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Nostalgic Utopia
Sunrise on Speaker’s Corner—Central Park, Manehattan—and ex-Captain Throwback eagerly placed his crate and hopped on top. He only winced at the arthritis needling his knees.
“There is an Equestria where no villains survive. A pony wouldn’t wake up to find their neighbours replaced by changelings. Alleys could be safely walked down without having one’s magic sucked out of one’s face. You should attend weddings full of pure laughter and free from terrified screams.”
As Throwback spoke, he saw the crowds around him, fifty years ago. Many nodding, many saying “hear hear”, many drinking in his words with their wide eyes.
“Oh, there’d be conflict. Daily life's too full of challenges and misunderstandings for no conflict. We'd struggle to raise our shops, make birthdays that didn’t involve smashing the cake, and balance the tastes of the elite with the pleasures of farmhoofs. Oh, rest assured this isn’t pie-in-the-sky.
“But these villains are contaminants. To a mare looking after animals or breaking airspeed records, the apocalypse outranks even the most soul-shattering of knocks. The villains can’t be allowed to live.
“Imagine our world: the villains wouldn’t merely have been foiled at the finish. They would never have raced. They would never even see the starting line, thousands of years ago, when the world was a wild garden and needed the secateurs rather than the spade.”
As he spoke, he looked around hopefully. Ponies walked by—and more donkeys and minotaurs and griffons than he’d ever remembered—laughing at each other or chatting eagerly. One or two old-timers walked their dogs and waved at him. Disappointed, he waved back.
“Think on it, my fellow ponies, think on it! Why did Discord survive in stone? Why was Nightmare Moon merely banished, and a thousand years left to prove she had no future? Whence Tirek lasted unto the present, and changelings allowed to fester in the wilds? Security delayed is security destroyed.
“Let me tell you:
“The horn that cast the friendship magic and the hoof that held an Element of Harmony—it’s no different than the horn that casts shield spells instead of an annihilator hex, the hoof that wields a baton and not a blade. The magic is only as good as its master.”
As he spoke, the sun peaked. Vendors, trays, and carts set up along the path and on the grass. He had to fight against the smells and sizzles. Never on his fruitless vigil had he succumbed to so much as a carrot-in-a-bun.
“What I have to say may shock and offend many, but I speak only from pragmatism, not malice:
“Princess Celestia is soft.
“She only incapacitates, as meagrely as possible. The result: chaos ruled, love sucked dry, our magic turned against us by a demon. Over and over, we almost perish. Over and over, we’re pushed towards the cliff and expected to thank our stars we don’t go over. What would it take for us to see the stupidity behind this so-called good luck?”
As he spoke, his knees and the sunlight weakened. The two or so ponies who actually stood and listened to him were now shaking their heads. They were younguns, he noticed disapprovingly. One of them heckled him, shouting, but Throwback's speech was an old steam train with no brakes.
“Here is my regiment’s solution. All magical artefacts—the Elements, the Rainbow Power, the alicorns if necessary—must be registered to an independent authority. Preferably a military one, well-versed in security measures and qualified to handle such power. Who have proven their loyalty over and over. Ideally, the right to wield such power should be as rigorously screened as the right to perform surgery on a patient. It is, after all, the peacekeepers who remove cancers and diseases from a healthy society.
“We urge you to consider this proposal in the spirit it is given: as an aid to safeguard our fair realm. And not to dismiss it as the ravings of deviants. History needs to deviate when the status quo is no longer keeping the demons away from our hearts and minds… and bodies… and… souls…”
Finally, he stopped speaking. Night lights burned the city peacefully. His corner of the park became a black pit.
Ex-Captain Throwback wanted to die protecting his country. Not once had he ever thought—laughing with buddies who’d all passed away before him—that he’d die failing it.
He was alone.
Sighing, he took his crate and shuffled off to find the soup kitchen. He wasn't even sure he believed his own speech anymore.
“There is an Equestria where no villains survive. A pony wouldn’t wake up to find their neighbours replaced by changelings. Alleys could be safely walked down without having one’s magic sucked out of one’s face. You should attend weddings full of pure laughter and free from terrified screams.”
As Throwback spoke, he saw the crowds around him, fifty years ago. Many nodding, many saying “hear hear”, many drinking in his words with their wide eyes.
“Oh, there’d be conflict. Daily life's too full of challenges and misunderstandings for no conflict. We'd struggle to raise our shops, make birthdays that didn’t involve smashing the cake, and balance the tastes of the elite with the pleasures of farmhoofs. Oh, rest assured this isn’t pie-in-the-sky.
“But these villains are contaminants. To a mare looking after animals or breaking airspeed records, the apocalypse outranks even the most soul-shattering of knocks. The villains can’t be allowed to live.
“Imagine our world: the villains wouldn’t merely have been foiled at the finish. They would never have raced. They would never even see the starting line, thousands of years ago, when the world was a wild garden and needed the secateurs rather than the spade.”
As he spoke, he looked around hopefully. Ponies walked by—and more donkeys and minotaurs and griffons than he’d ever remembered—laughing at each other or chatting eagerly. One or two old-timers walked their dogs and waved at him. Disappointed, he waved back.
“Think on it, my fellow ponies, think on it! Why did Discord survive in stone? Why was Nightmare Moon merely banished, and a thousand years left to prove she had no future? Whence Tirek lasted unto the present, and changelings allowed to fester in the wilds? Security delayed is security destroyed.
“Let me tell you:
“The horn that cast the friendship magic and the hoof that held an Element of Harmony—it’s no different than the horn that casts shield spells instead of an annihilator hex, the hoof that wields a baton and not a blade. The magic is only as good as its master.”
As he spoke, the sun peaked. Vendors, trays, and carts set up along the path and on the grass. He had to fight against the smells and sizzles. Never on his fruitless vigil had he succumbed to so much as a carrot-in-a-bun.
“What I have to say may shock and offend many, but I speak only from pragmatism, not malice:
“Princess Celestia is soft.
“She only incapacitates, as meagrely as possible. The result: chaos ruled, love sucked dry, our magic turned against us by a demon. Over and over, we almost perish. Over and over, we’re pushed towards the cliff and expected to thank our stars we don’t go over. What would it take for us to see the stupidity behind this so-called good luck?”
As he spoke, his knees and the sunlight weakened. The two or so ponies who actually stood and listened to him were now shaking their heads. They were younguns, he noticed disapprovingly. One of them heckled him, shouting, but Throwback's speech was an old steam train with no brakes.
“Here is my regiment’s solution. All magical artefacts—the Elements, the Rainbow Power, the alicorns if necessary—must be registered to an independent authority. Preferably a military one, well-versed in security measures and qualified to handle such power. Who have proven their loyalty over and over. Ideally, the right to wield such power should be as rigorously screened as the right to perform surgery on a patient. It is, after all, the peacekeepers who remove cancers and diseases from a healthy society.
“We urge you to consider this proposal in the spirit it is given: as an aid to safeguard our fair realm. And not to dismiss it as the ravings of deviants. History needs to deviate when the status quo is no longer keeping the demons away from our hearts and minds… and bodies… and… souls…”
Finally, he stopped speaking. Night lights burned the city peacefully. His corner of the park became a black pit.
Ex-Captain Throwback wanted to die protecting his country. Not once had he ever thought—laughing with buddies who’d all passed away before him—that he’d die failing it.
He was alone.
Sighing, he took his crate and shuffled off to find the soup kitchen. He wasn't even sure he believed his own speech anymore.
Pics
Tragic on several levels. Throwback is almost a ghost, repeating the same actions and not realizing that what motivated them is over and done with. A well-done, understated piece.
There's a lot of sadness wrapped up in this story, which you wisely let the reader deduce (even if it ain't exactly subtle) rather than shoving it in their faces. But a few construction decisions are holding me back.
First, pet peeve: he gives a speech that takes, what, three minutes to deliver? Let's round up to five, say he's speaking slowly. And this takes us from dawn to dark, somehow. A little bit of telling between portions of his speech could do wonders here--let us see that he's giving the same speech, over and over, time after time, to an audience that doesn't exist, rather than suggesting (as your current phrasing does) that the words on the page are all he spoke that day, and that it somehow took him twelve hours to get through a few hundred words.
(Twist: what if the story's set in Discord's days-last-mere-minutes Equestria, and that's the regiment's impetus for calling Celestia soft? /tinfoil)
Second, the writing here is occasionally wonky, particularly with modifiers of unclear purpose. For example, look at the second sentence: "He only winced at the arthritis needling his knees." Why only? What does that mean in this context? Is it to reassure the reader that this wasn't a multi-purpose wince? Is it to suggest that the arthritis would normally make him groan aloud? Whatever it's intended purpose, it's failing to communicate it, and the sentence would be clearer and, frankly, better, if it were excised entirely. You've got the spelling and punctuation stuff down; another editing run-through with an eye toward this kind of construction issue, though, would do wonders for the flow of your story, and would make the tragedy really shine.
First, pet peeve: he gives a speech that takes, what, three minutes to deliver? Let's round up to five, say he's speaking slowly. And this takes us from dawn to dark, somehow. A little bit of telling between portions of his speech could do wonders here--let us see that he's giving the same speech, over and over, time after time, to an audience that doesn't exist, rather than suggesting (as your current phrasing does) that the words on the page are all he spoke that day, and that it somehow took him twelve hours to get through a few hundred words.
(Twist: what if the story's set in Discord's days-last-mere-minutes Equestria, and that's the regiment's impetus for calling Celestia soft? /tinfoil)
Second, the writing here is occasionally wonky, particularly with modifiers of unclear purpose. For example, look at the second sentence: "He only winced at the arthritis needling his knees." Why only? What does that mean in this context? Is it to reassure the reader that this wasn't a multi-purpose wince? Is it to suggest that the arthritis would normally make him groan aloud? Whatever it's intended purpose, it's failing to communicate it, and the sentence would be clearer and, frankly, better, if it were excised entirely. You've got the spelling and punctuation stuff down; another editing run-through with an eye toward this kind of construction issue, though, would do wonders for the flow of your story, and would make the tragedy really shine.
I like this. I disagree with Chris that the speech takes three minutes to deliver—it's only three minutes that we get to hear, and the device is clear enough to me.
That said, I'd focus a little more on showing more of the Captain's body language and physique, and the interplay between him and the crowd. That's more important than the details of what he's literally saying. But this is already close to perfect for my taste. The soup kitchen at the end is a great touch of socialism.
That said, I'd focus a little more on showing more of the Captain's body language and physique, and the interplay between him and the crowd. That's more important than the details of what he's literally saying. But this is already close to perfect for my taste. The soup kitchen at the end is a great touch of socialism.
This is some pretty good stuff.
My main complaint, to get it out of the way, would be to focus less on his speech, since it takes up so much of the story, and focus more on what's happening around him.
It takes a while to realize this, but the context and surroundings of his speech are more important than the speech itself.
You've got this old stallion, a veteran, in what seems to be a ponified version of the Great Depression, and nobody pays attention to him. He missed the bus, figuratively speaking, and he doesn't want to admit it.
That's some sad shit.
Aside from some stylistic choices that >>Chris mentioned, along with a few others, this entry is pretty tight.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 8 on this.
My main complaint, to get it out of the way, would be to focus less on his speech, since it takes up so much of the story, and focus more on what's happening around him.
It takes a while to realize this, but the context and surroundings of his speech are more important than the speech itself.
You've got this old stallion, a veteran, in what seems to be a ponified version of the Great Depression, and nobody pays attention to him. He missed the bus, figuratively speaking, and he doesn't want to admit it.
That's some sad shit.
Aside from some stylistic choices that >>Chris mentioned, along with a few others, this entry is pretty tight.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 8 on this.
Fighting injustice and being impervious to change makes for a rough combination. I feel like I know someone like this.
Also:
When people cease to listen to you, you know tragedy.
When you cease to listen to yourself, you know despair.
Also:
When people cease to listen to you, you know tragedy.
When you cease to listen to yourself, you know despair.
This is kind of a weird one for me, because I can clearly see where it wants to go, and for the most part it gets there; it just doesn't get all the way there. So I'm in this uncertain place where I feel the emotion and don't feel it at the same time.
Part of the problem is that the speech takes up waaaaaaay too much of this fic. All along, the focus should mostly be on Throwback and the discrepancy between him and the outside world, but the majority of the fic weighs towards what he's actually saying. And don't get me wrong, what he's saying is interesting and all, and his view of the world is a big part of what makes his behaviour so tragic. Only... you've got 750 words, and it feels like you devote two-thirds of them to a speech that isn't as informative as you think it is. (It also comes across as too flowery at times, like you wanted to make it poetic, and it adds to the padded feel).
It's a shame too, cos this is a fine piece of tearjerking right here, Throwback is depicted as a pony with genuine military care for protecting his country, and he does bring up some good points about how ridiculously unsafe Equestria can be. Sadly, he clearly doesn't understand how those friendship powers work, and the defeated ending is perfect in conveying just how badly off he is. When we do get to see him interacting with the apathetic or unfriendly denizens of Manehattan, you legitimately feel sorry for this crusader. He's not a bad guy, after all.
But that speech really is too much. Because of it, when I do feel his frustration, those moments all get cut off at the knees because we're hearing the author's take on what's wrong with Equestria and Celestia for the umpteenth time.
Hmm... maybe a solid entry, maybe a high mid-tier. Also, I second... damn, third... >>Chris's comments about the stylistic choices working against it, though to me those are less serious problems than the speech one.
Part of the problem is that the speech takes up waaaaaaay too much of this fic. All along, the focus should mostly be on Throwback and the discrepancy between him and the outside world, but the majority of the fic weighs towards what he's actually saying. And don't get me wrong, what he's saying is interesting and all, and his view of the world is a big part of what makes his behaviour so tragic. Only... you've got 750 words, and it feels like you devote two-thirds of them to a speech that isn't as informative as you think it is. (It also comes across as too flowery at times, like you wanted to make it poetic, and it adds to the padded feel).
It's a shame too, cos this is a fine piece of tearjerking right here, Throwback is depicted as a pony with genuine military care for protecting his country, and he does bring up some good points about how ridiculously unsafe Equestria can be. Sadly, he clearly doesn't understand how those friendship powers work, and the defeated ending is perfect in conveying just how badly off he is. When we do get to see him interacting with the apathetic or unfriendly denizens of Manehattan, you legitimately feel sorry for this crusader. He's not a bad guy, after all.
But that speech really is too much. Because of it, when I do feel his frustration, those moments all get cut off at the knees because we're hearing the author's take on what's wrong with Equestria and Celestia for the umpteenth time.
Hmm... maybe a solid entry, maybe a high mid-tier. Also, I second... damn, third... >>Chris's comments about the stylistic choices working against it, though to me those are less serious problems than the speech one.
What just happened!?
I don't want to sound arrogant or anything, but judging from my past performance and from the preponderance of comments, I was sure this would make it to finals. Although I was convinced it would not score high within finals. True, I was prepared to give up Quiet Thunder as a bad job, because even the commenters who liked that one saw major problems with it, and they were in the minority. But this one had lovely comments, and it, buh, muh-guh, whuh... HUH!?
Seriously, what? Someone please tell me what I did that's so wrong. I'm trying, and I can see why it wouldn't win medals or anything, but I can't fathom why this scored so low. Something serious must have gone wrong, and I need to know what it is.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Moosetasm
Man, these comments made my day. I love it when people see the haunting tragedy and are impressed enough by it to wax proverbial. You should incorporate those lines into a story, or something. I loved reading them that much.
>>Trick_Question
>>No_Raisin
Yeah, as I added in my own decoy review, I agree the speech went on for too long. I think that was what killed it for most people, though as my histrionic opening indicates, I haven't really got the foggiest idea what went wrong. Truth is: the speech was what I wrote first, and then I spliced in the audience reactions and added a beginning and an end. Unfortunately, I went a little overboard with the speech, which is why it's so long. Definitely could have been snappier.
Nice to see it got such a high score! I'm dead honoured, mate!
>>Trick_Question
>>Chris
Indeed that's what I was going for: the speech fragments weren't meant to be taken so literally that we infer he spent a whole day on what would've taken five minutes. This splicing technique was a side-effect of writing the speech before writing the story. It also has the dubious title of being a sort of artsy stylistic choice. Like, imagine someone speaking normally while a timelapse footage plays in the background, sort of thing.
It... probably doesn't translate well into written prose, aheh...
And now for the big one.
>>Chris
"Second, the writing here is occasionally wonky, particularly with modifiers of unclear purpose."
"You've got the spelling and punctuation stuff down; another editing run-through with an eye toward this kind of construction issue, though, would do wonders for the flow of your story, and would make the tragedy really shine."
Oh dear, and I thought I had it solidly down pat. As much as the sheer length of the speech was clearly a major problem - and currently my number one suspect for why this piece so unexpectedly flunked - the news that the technical might not technically be up to snuff has the most sobering implications for me.
See, your actual example looks, to me, as obvious in its intent as a white moth on a black tree. I was going for "He was so enthusiastic that the only thing stopping him from eagerly hopping to his full extent was his arthritis needling his knees". The "eagerly" "hopping" suggests someone fit and motivated, but the arthritis is the only thing in that paragraph that betrays his true state. Hence "only winces" (as in: he's fit, he only winces at this one thing). He's no spry stallion. He's an old-timer. That's the first bit where the universe is going against him, and then we find out more about his situation.
Needless to say, that the intent did not come through... well, I'm either too smart for my own good or, more likely, I'm neglecting my readers too much. I had a more serious problem with a previous entry, where a story I thought was only a little muddled turned out to be totally impenetrable to a lot of people.
Well, I think I might mark this as suspect number two, and a clear area to look into, so thanks for the feedback. But overall, I'm disappointed with the implications for the prose structure.
Ah well. Back to the drawing board, I guess.
>>Trick_Question
"The soup kitchen at the end is a great touch of socialism."
Thanks, comrade! Though I didn't really have any socialist implications in that line. I just wanted to suggest how badly society had let him fall after his service in the military. Plus, I think it's intriguing that I never actually wrote what he does there: does he go to be fed, or does he go to serve the food? Either could be interesting, so I never fully committed either way, and the resultant ambiguity I quite like, if I do say so myself.
Overall, still utterly puzzled as to why this didn't at least make it, but perhaps the answer lies here in these comments. So thank you for giving them to me, and for giving me food for thought! ;)
I don't want to sound arrogant or anything, but judging from my past performance and from the preponderance of comments, I was sure this would make it to finals. Although I was convinced it would not score high within finals. True, I was prepared to give up Quiet Thunder as a bad job, because even the commenters who liked that one saw major problems with it, and they were in the minority. But this one had lovely comments, and it, buh, muh-guh, whuh... HUH!?
Seriously, what? Someone please tell me what I did that's so wrong. I'm trying, and I can see why it wouldn't win medals or anything, but I can't fathom why this scored so low. Something serious must have gone wrong, and I need to know what it is.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Moosetasm
Man, these comments made my day. I love it when people see the haunting tragedy and are impressed enough by it to wax proverbial. You should incorporate those lines into a story, or something. I loved reading them that much.
>>Trick_Question
>>No_Raisin
Yeah, as I added in my own decoy review, I agree the speech went on for too long. I think that was what killed it for most people, though as my histrionic opening indicates, I haven't really got the foggiest idea what went wrong. Truth is: the speech was what I wrote first, and then I spliced in the audience reactions and added a beginning and an end. Unfortunately, I went a little overboard with the speech, which is why it's so long. Definitely could have been snappier.
Nice to see it got such a high score! I'm dead honoured, mate!
>>Trick_Question
>>Chris
Indeed that's what I was going for: the speech fragments weren't meant to be taken so literally that we infer he spent a whole day on what would've taken five minutes. This splicing technique was a side-effect of writing the speech before writing the story. It also has the dubious title of being a sort of artsy stylistic choice. Like, imagine someone speaking normally while a timelapse footage plays in the background, sort of thing.
It... probably doesn't translate well into written prose, aheh...
And now for the big one.
>>Chris
"Second, the writing here is occasionally wonky, particularly with modifiers of unclear purpose."
"You've got the spelling and punctuation stuff down; another editing run-through with an eye toward this kind of construction issue, though, would do wonders for the flow of your story, and would make the tragedy really shine."
Oh dear, and I thought I had it solidly down pat. As much as the sheer length of the speech was clearly a major problem - and currently my number one suspect for why this piece so unexpectedly flunked - the news that the technical might not technically be up to snuff has the most sobering implications for me.
See, your actual example looks, to me, as obvious in its intent as a white moth on a black tree. I was going for "He was so enthusiastic that the only thing stopping him from eagerly hopping to his full extent was his arthritis needling his knees". The "eagerly" "hopping" suggests someone fit and motivated, but the arthritis is the only thing in that paragraph that betrays his true state. Hence "only winces" (as in: he's fit, he only winces at this one thing). He's no spry stallion. He's an old-timer. That's the first bit where the universe is going against him, and then we find out more about his situation.
Needless to say, that the intent did not come through... well, I'm either too smart for my own good or, more likely, I'm neglecting my readers too much. I had a more serious problem with a previous entry, where a story I thought was only a little muddled turned out to be totally impenetrable to a lot of people.
Well, I think I might mark this as suspect number two, and a clear area to look into, so thanks for the feedback. But overall, I'm disappointed with the implications for the prose structure.
Ah well. Back to the drawing board, I guess.
>>Trick_Question
"The soup kitchen at the end is a great touch of socialism."
Thanks, comrade! Though I didn't really have any socialist implications in that line. I just wanted to suggest how badly society had let him fall after his service in the military. Plus, I think it's intriguing that I never actually wrote what he does there: does he go to be fed, or does he go to serve the food? Either could be interesting, so I never fully committed either way, and the resultant ambiguity I quite like, if I do say so myself.
Overall, still utterly puzzled as to why this didn't at least make it, but perhaps the answer lies here in these comments. So thank you for giving them to me, and for giving me food for thought! ;)
>>BlueChameleonVI
Note that until the contest is over, you can't really see how well or badly your fic did—stories that didn't make it to finals are displayed in a randomized order on the gallery page, not in the order of how they ranked.
Note that until the contest is over, you can't really see how well or badly your fic did—stories that didn't make it to finals are displayed in a randomized order on the gallery page, not in the order of how they ranked.
>>BlueChameleonVI
This is what I refer to as "The Write-off Special." You get a bunch of vaguely positive comments, then your story finishes far lower than you would have expected it to from that. It's probably happened to everyone at least once. You might be able to anticipate it by comparing the comments you get to the ones on all the stories so you have a relative idea, but it would probably take a lot of work to tease that out.
This is what I refer to as "The Write-off Special." You get a bunch of vaguely positive comments, then your story finishes far lower than you would have expected it to from that. It's probably happened to everyone at least once. You might be able to anticipate it by comparing the comments you get to the ones on all the stories so you have a relative idea, but it would probably take a lot of work to tease that out.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Ah, I see. From that, I see NU wasn't too far away from the cut-off, so that's some consolation.
>>Pascoite
So it's not just me, then. I was starting to wonder. The implications of that were starting to bug me. :I
"You might be able to anticipate it by comparing the comments you get to the ones on all the stories so you have a relative idea, but it would probably take a lot of work to tease that out."
More work than I'm willing to invest, honestly. Although it does suggest comments are less reliable indicators than I previously thought. Thanks for letting me know either way.
Ah, I see. From that, I see NU wasn't too far away from the cut-off, so that's some consolation.
>>Pascoite
So it's not just me, then. I was starting to wonder. The implications of that were starting to bug me. :I
"You might be able to anticipate it by comparing the comments you get to the ones on all the stories so you have a relative idea, but it would probably take a lot of work to tease that out."
More work than I'm willing to invest, honestly. Although it does suggest comments are less reliable indicators than I previously thought. Thanks for letting me know either way.