This story is brilliantly bad. It is clearly a crackfic, but it manages to simultaneously actually have some internal logic to it. Minions ineptly plotting is a deeply amusing trope and this story does a reasonable job with it, though I feel like it sometimes gets a bit tied up in itself, as noted by some other folks.

I did enjoy the Pinkie Pie punchline, but I feel like it was delivered awkwardly. Likewise, some of Limestone's lines were too long (I agree with >>FrontSevens WRT: the shorter line about getting off Holder's Boulder).

Where this story most struggles is in its construction; there's a lot of stuff about this story which would be funnier if it was tighter. In particular, the scene with Limestone Pie feels like it drags a bit until she starts shouting at them.

Congratulations to Haze, Haze, Haze, and GroaningGreyAgony for their medals! There were a lot of creative and amazing entries.

>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Fenton
>>The_Letter_J
>>wYvern
>>Kritten
>>Exuno
>>RogerDodger
>>Cold in Gardez
>>FairyRave
>>Monokeras
>>horizon
Thank you all for your feedback!

As Roger pointed out, this was done in GIMP. I was surprised to see MS Paint brought up so much--Cold in Gardez's Rem video and FairyRave's Santa video are amazing, but my MS-Paint-fu isn't anywhere close to that level. The picture was hard enough with layers.

The picture was done entirely with mouse, though--lines were either free-handed or shift-clicked for straightness. (I don't have a tablet.)

I tried looking for a reference that had this camera angle looking up at the inside of a building, but I couldn't find one, so I made my own by taking a picture of the inside of a cardboard box. This made the flower a lot bigger than I expected it to be.

>>Posh
Haven't you won enough for one day?! Must you also take my dank jokes from me? Your vociferous take-no-prisoners campaign to get me in was what pulled me into this Writeoff in the first place. YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO!!1one

>>Not_A_Hat

Is this watercolor pencil?

Yes it is! I'd never used them before, so I had to quickly learn just for this. Combined with regular watercolors, so the pencils were mostly for the clear outlines.

The pony used was Lily. Though I should've picked somepony with different colors, or a different flower maybe.
I wonder if using a specific pony made it more difficult to produce a story idea out of this? Maybe I could've left out the pony entirely. (I just now realized Filler's winning entry also involved a flower. take notes for next time)

In the chat, FrontSevens said something about hoping not all the artwork in the contest would turn out serious and gloomy, so that drove me to come up with as many whimsical ideas as possible. Giving something authors could work with was all I cared about. Collectively they produced 5 stories, though I was a little sad this didn't get any. It was the idea I most wanted to read.

I think at its core, there is an interesting story here. There’s some flavourful conflict between Bon Bon and Celestia, and I find the motivations meaningful and interesting. Certainly, other people have enjoyed this one. Personally, I didn’t find this all that appealing.

One reason is that the second scene is pretty much a backstory dump. It’s Bon Bon explaining why she’s angry at Celestia, and Celestia explaining why she did what she did to Bon Bon. The real story, here, is all in the past relative to this story. I think I would’ve been interested in seeing more of that story firsthand. Now, maybe one solution is to tell that story outright, telling some key events as they happened. Another solution might be feed the backstory more slowly and gradually to the reader. Perhaps extend the plot out to include more time for the reader to digest the sizeable amount of information conveyed here. Otherwise, this feels to me like melodrama, especially from how quickly Celestia goes from being angry to being sorry, how quickly Lyra recovers, and how dramatic Bon Bon seems to be acting, at least to me.

Some phrasings here bothered me enough to distract me from the story. For instance:

I manage to get a good grasp on her and my inner strength pins her down.

She grasps Lyra, but it’s her outer strength that actually holds her down, right? Inner strength is like emotional strength.

I put a leg I wish to be one of a surgeon on her shoulder

I think this is awkwardly phrased. I also don’t understand it. Why would she want her leg to be a surgeon’s?

She throws herself on me, grabbing me in a life-saving hug.

Lyra grabs Bon Bon in a “life-saving hug”, but that hug isn’t saving Bon Bon’s life. If anything, Bon Bon saved Lyra, not the other way around.

“Flash news, friendship can’t solve everything.

I think the phrase is “news flash”.

There were also several typos [proving (to) her that the real world is here with her], [I shut_down the device], [I give her a smile [u]I want reassuring[/u] (?) and soon she follows Luna.], etc.

There are also a few places where commas would’ve made some sentences clearer. For instance:

Do you know what it takes to lie to her not only on who I am but also why she has to go through all of this?

This sentence would be clearer like this, I think:

Do you know what it takes to lie to her, not only on who I am, but also why she has to go through all of this?

So yeah, perhaps with some extending of this story and some editing, I think this could be a fascinating drama :>

Genre: Time Enough For Time Travel Shenanigans (Ha! Whaddaya gonna say now, >>Posh?!)

Thoughts: My feelings here fall into the space between >>Novel_Idea and >>TitaniumDragon, in that it's brilliant when it's funny but I think it runs out of gas past a certain point. The ending in particular doesn't mine the full potential of the meeting that happens; it's just a moment of recognition, and then the characters move on. I was hoping for more... I dunno. Something funnier. Also the resolution at the dance makes a kind of sense but it's pretty fast. Also I feel like Sonata is woefully underutilized; IMO Sonata lends herself to a kind of humor that you're not really tapping into here. I get it that she's probably the most likely Siren to go along with this, and I like having a Siren show up, but there's not a lot that she does that distinguishes that it's Sonata as opposed to anyone else.

Oh but it's good when it's good, though. The beginning in particular is a total "headcanon accepted" moment for me; I can readily see Sunset being down for whatever silliness Discord has in mind, just about anytime. The motorcycle thing was creative too! And I didn't think it leaned excessively on BTTF.

I dunno. Again, the main downer for me is that the hilarity dropped off. I think this could become fantastic with a tune-up.

Tier: Almost There

>>Haze

Hrm, I wasn't expecting the CMC drawing to turn into such a gloomy story. It's kind of a Dark Souls inspired theme (probably from the picture's title), about a magical world struggling against the threat of entropy. Don't worry readers, there's no references at all to the videogame, so maybe it's just my imagination that it's even related to DS.

There's no explicit reference, but the themes and the motifs (flames and ashes, heat and cold) are all very Dark Souls, so I think it's safe to call this, if nothing else, a soft-crossover. A softover.

Of course, having just finished The Ringed City, the last piece of Dark Souls content ever (hopefully, but knowing the game industry, they'll probably milk a Dark Souls 4 out of it somehow), I happen to be in a Soulsy mood, so this story speaks to me.

The other commenters have done an effective job of detailing issues with the protagonist and narration. But IMO, there's no real reason for Sweetie Belle to be the narrator, because her perspective doesn't illuminate anything particularly interesting, nor does she provide any insight into the events or the world that couldn't just as easily have come from Scootaloo or Apple Bloom. Apple Bloom may have been a better choice, come to think of it, since she's implied to have spent more time studying the phenomenon, or working in Equestria, or... something. What's Apple Bloom been doing again?

Also, how old, specifically, are Starlight and Sunset? I ask because the CMC are clearly adults, but Rarity being dead calls into question both their ages, and the ages of Sunny and Glim-Glam, as well as the whereabouts of the rest of the Mane Six. Did she die of old age, or of illness? Are the CMC middle-aged at this point? Are Sunset and Starlight of an age with Rarity, and if so, shouldn't that be reflected in their appearances or their dialogue? Are they under the influence of the Undead Curse, trapped in a state of eternal youth?

In a nutshell, I think there's a good set-up for a story here, a good backstory, but the actual story told within that framework is lacking.

It's funny, but kind of a one-note comedy, when stacked against some of the other comedic entries I've been reading. The end pun didn't really work for me, either. Not as a "so-bad-it's-funny" pun, nor as something genuinely clever. Mostly, I was just confused. "Prince-ash Tray-lestia" is... it's a stretch.

Also not really sure how I feel about using a deliberate parody of a Harry Potter character instead of someone more unique to the setting. I think a lot of Bumblebore's dialogue would have been funnier coming from someone like Twilight, whose character would lend itself very well to this variety of comedy.

I'm obliged to >>FrontSevens for the run-down of the unusual phrasing and malapropisms that permeate this story. 'Cuz it means that I don't have to. :V

I really do enjoy stories that examine threads which the show brings up, but doesn't really deal with. As an entry in that little sub-genre, this has potential. I like the way that the relationship between Lyra and Bon Bon is portrayed; it feels like an echo of the relationship between Tavi and Vinyl in Ars Vivaldi, My Meaty Maury, and synergizes well with it, IMO. In a way, it's another Orpheus and Eurydice, albeit one with slightly lower stakes.

And one imagines that Bon Bon won't start dying constantly after calling in a favor from Celestia, unless Celly's feeling more vindictive than her characterization lets on.

Regarding Celestia, if she's as overcome with guilt as her comments at the end suggest, then maybe starting out her scene with her leaping down Bon Bon's throat isn't the best idea. It seems like that was written only to give Bon an excuse to get angry, and as such, the anger and selfishness that Celestia displays gels poorly with the empathy she shows at the end. Perhaps her comment could be more innocuous, while still being enough to trigger Bon Bon's outrage.

I'd also suggest that Straightjacket, and the circumstances regarding the agency's dissolution, be brought up earlier in Bon Bon's inner monologue. Not explained, per se; don't spell it out for the reader, but allude to it. As is, the name caught me off guard when Bon Bon first brought it up, and left me wondering if I'd missed something.

>>CoffeeMinion This was the conclusion I came to as well. Something about the bold tags being inside the italics tags. I don't get it. Computers, man, they frighten and confuse and infuriate me.

I dunno; it's a crackfic. It's one of the better crackfics I've read this round, but it's still not something I think I can effectively critique. At least, there's nothing I can bring to the table that hasn't already been bringed... brought...

...what's Discord doing in the story...?

First, the good: You've got a solid grasp of your characters, author. This is a very Trixie-ish Trixie. Starlight's supportiveness makes her a good secondary character, Sparkleberry is pretty charming for an OC, and Sparkleberry's family gets some good banter.

(Be careful about names, though. You've got "Sparkleberry" and "Scuffleberry", for instance, which are very easy to confuse, and it seems like almost everyone's name has something to do with light — "Twinkle", "Bright", etc. More distinctive names can help readers remember your characters better.)

Unfortunately, basic grammar and text errors kept knocking me out of the story, and I felt like it was a challenge for me to stay engaged. Comments above have mentioned a number of those problems. I'm going to mention two more that I repeatedly noticed:

1) Verb tense problems.

With her finale to her introduction insured, the stage had been engulfed in a brilliant light of absolute white. The sounds of magnificent booms were the only thing conceived.

By it’s end, the centerpiece of attention had died down to the soft sounds of Trixie walking along the stage. She magically pulled up a black wooden box onto the stage. It’s front had faced the audience.

Only one of the three phrases in bold letters is correct.

The past perfect tense — here is a good basic primer — is used to indicate that something in the past came before a different event in the past. Very often when you use it (something "had happened"), either the time comparison is wrong, or there's no time comparison at all (meaning you want the simple past).

"With her finale to her introduction insured, the stage had been engulfed in a brilliant light of absolute white": The first part of the sentence sets up something occurring after the finale is insured. (Nitpick: I think you meant "ensured," but even that's not a great word here.) But then, with the past perfect verb tense, you say that the white light engulfed the stage before the finale was insured, so you're contradicting yourself.

(Side note: "had been engulfed" also uses the passive voice. This is not an error. However, most writing guides suggest avoiding the passive voice. Active-voice verbs are more dynamic, and also require fewer words. "Brilliant white light engulfed the stage" is short, direct, and puts more sentence emphasis on the thing you want to draw attention to — the light.)

"By its end, the centerpiece of attention had died down to the soft sounds of Trixie walking along the stage": This seems to be a correct use of past perfect. There is something in the past being described: The end (of the finale). There is a different thing in the past being described: The centerpiece of attention dying down. The dying down came first.

"She magically pulled up a black wooden box onto the stage. It’s front had faced the audience": This implies that the front faced the audience before Trixie moved it, not after. That's a strange observation, and the context of the rest of your story suggests that you meant it the other way around.

2. Noun gender.

The beast yelled its loud roar across the stage. His teeth salivated as it looked across past the stage into the crowd of ponies. A fireball formed at the edges of his teeth. It grew as the monster reared its head back until he threw it toward the crowd.

English is not particularly strict about noun gender. If you have a monster which is male, you can refer to it as a "he" (it's male) or you can refer to it as an "it" (it's a monster). What you CAN'T do, however, is jump back and forth between those.

At any rate, author, take heart: While these sorts of basic problems can cause severe issues with a story, they are also the easiest things to fix with an editing pass, and you can get a dramatic increase in quality by doing so. You wrote one of the most ambitious stories of the round (over 7,000 words!). It's very difficult to both do that and edit, so I think this one will have a much easier time reaching its full potential after the contest is over.

Tier: Needs Work

I am a huge fan of experiments in the Writeoff. I am a much more ambiguous fan of the outcome of this particular experiment. I was able to follow what you were trying to do, but — especially near the beginning — untangling it was pretty painful. Which, in a certain way, is a success! I'm pretty sure you were trying to establish that bewilderment coming from two selves fighting over which one is authentic, and in that you succeeded. However, just because you establish the characters' confusion effectively doesn't make it fun to read — this may benefit from significantly increased hand-holding, especially at the beginning.

Unrelated to the confusion, you use the phrase "Twilight-who-was-the-original-and-not-the-other" 10 times, which goes down like trying to hammer a screw through a nail guide hole. Such an unwieldy phrase severely bogs down the rapid patter you're trying to use to establish the situation.

I find it a very curious omission that we never actually get any speculation about what caused the … dual embodiment? Especially since Twilight and Sparkle briefly compare memories of that morning, and there's no indication before the bifurcation of anything out of the ordinary. Were they fiddling with any magic the night before? Are there any spells affecting them now? Dimensional rifts or other metaphysical tampering? Frankly, if you look at the list of characters you could write this story for who would immediately forget about basic sustenance and dash off to the laboratory, Twilight and/or Sparkle are at the top.

To its credit, though, this story settles down as it gets going. By the later story, the clipped narration felt comfortable to me, and the progression from confusion to bickering to mutual action was reasonably (and satisfyingly) paced. Enough so that I was actually disappointed to see it end — well, slam into a brick wall at the end of Act 1. Unfortunately, I have to rate this based only on the text I read, and while it's going to improve as it grows, right now the incompleteness of its narrative arc is a major issue.

Tier: Flawed but Fun

Sorry, author, but I couldn't muster up a whole lot of reaction to the humor here. Stick me in the corner with >>TitaniumDragon's "there's a lot of stuff about this story which would be funnier if it was tighter" and most of >>FrontSevens's analysis. Some of the short zingers, like the "plot" snarking and the swole argument, were great, but for the most part the joking here just felt too word-cluttered to land for me. I may be a bit of an outlier there.

Other things I liked: the West Side Story shout-outs; the clever headcanon (Holder in particular). Things I didn't: The plot of the story felt kind of disjointed — despite the wordiness of the jokes, it felt like there wasn't a whole lot of setup for them, just careening from punchline to punchline. Overall, I'm lukewarm, but I'm glad you're getting a good reception with others.

Tier: Almost There

Ahh, I get it. He was called Holder because he was holdin' the goods. Cheeky monkey. Most of the jokes, the pink finale in particular, went down well enough. Wobbly, but definitely not flat, on the macro scale of entertainment.

I, too, found it weird that Sunset's name was in this. Also, Trixie speaking in the third-person gets rather old after awhile.

I have many questions with this one. Why is this happening? What happened to the Main 6? How old are the CMCs? How are Sunset and Starlight handling the sun and moon?

And most importantly... what actually happens in the end? This question really needs answering, as this story does not work well with the open ending it has.

>>MLPmatthewl419

And most importantly... what actually happens in the end? This question really needs answering, as this story does not work well with the open ending it has.

One assumes they get lit on fire...

It could use some cleaning up, but otherwise it's pretty good.

I cannot read this one beyond the short skimming I did. I am sorry for this, but the style just does not work with me. Good job being bold enough to try this style, though!

Hm, interesting.

>>Posh
Does one? I can see four endings to it.
1) They burn up and everything turns good.
2) They burn and nothing happens.
3) They don't burn and everything turns good.
4) They don't burn and nothing happens.

Using these, I would like to believe option #3. You can, however, choose whatever ending you wish.

>>MLPmatthewl419 Or they reject the Linking of the Fire and usher in the age of pone, as urged by Darktrotter Klaapth.

>>horizon
Reading that is for me like jumping a couple of years back in time (though I always tried to avoid writing it’s instead of its).

I second Horizon. It's just a question of time and getting used to writing.

And yes “secured” would’ve prolly been much better here. ;)

PS: This is not my story, but I could certainly claim it just out of the points Horizon mentioned. [Not the contents, since I didn’t read it.]

>>Monokeras That's the second story you've claimed isn't yours. Methinks the 'keras doth protest too much.

HMMMM.

>>Posh
Argh. The jig is up! :(

I'll echo the general comment that, at a technical level, this fic does need a fair amount of work, and I think a lot of the above explains how you can improve there pretty well.

That said, you have a pretty solid core story here that I think can be made to start shining with proper polish and a couple revision passes!

So, it's pretty straight forward until the end, which feels like it would have fit better in the Twilight Zone round due to how jarring it is. I read the last line and Luna sinks to ultra party foul territory with record speed. Now, depending on exactly when you want to set this, decorum and Luna might not be best buds yet. Even so, I can't shake the feeling that this is a dick move from Luna.

I feel like there should either be something to soften the blow, or some actual hard talk to justify dropping that bomb on AJ.

I feel bad to mostly repeat a review I just did, but honestly Glamour and Vanity and this fic are pretty similar in what works and what doesn't. Reference >>FrontSevens here for a little advice on the type of editorial cleanup that would help this fic really shine. The core idea is solid, it just needs better technicals to really deliver.

This is great, though, it could use some cleaning up before anything else gets done with it. You know, look over word choice, make some tweaks to phrasing, replace commas with periods and vice-versa, change the narrative at times... the works.

The hook is brilliant as was already pointed out, and the concept of a bearer of death is interesting.

In the end though, the story didn't do much for me. Spike is too immature, and the problems presented don't feel like the actual problems ponies (or people for that matter) would have with immortality. E.g.:

And those that want to die, but have too many relationships, can't do so easily. It's more painful for them to be alive, but their absence would cause more pain if they left. There's no happy ending for them anymore. They can only endure forever without hope of an end

That's just describing immature relationships IMO. If being alive would cause me more pain than it brought me joy, I'm certain all of my friends and family would understand if I were to commit suicide. This isn't really raising issues of immortality, but of euthanasia. I don't see why they would have such a problem with being in control of the time of their deaths.

I think there would be a lot to explore if all of ponykind were to become immortal at some point, but they would probably manifest later than 30 years from then, and I feel like none of them are even touched in this story.

I can't say much, other than that I felt as though the story was trying too hard to go for something artsy, and paid for it on the entertaining front. The dialogue between the zebras was fine, but as the first thing that actually engaged me, came very late in the story.

I would like to add though that 'dialogue only' and poetry are pet peeves of mine.

“Eee? Core? Ah?”

This was really cute, though.

This is pretty unpolished, but other than that, I feel as though the off-screen development of Lyra's problem, whose mental health and Celestia's responsibility for its poor state seemed to be one of the main sources of conflict, was just cheating. The 'meat of the story' was pretty much backstory exploration, and I fear these exercises always failed to engage me.

The first person narration was handled pretty well, but especially twoards the end of the dialogue, it could use some more I think. Felt as though the inner monologue that first person narration usually represents just got too quite, dwindling to little more than dialogue attributions.

I think the beginning is brilliant, but it tuned down pretty quickly. I guess it comes down to the necessary tightening that's been mentioned several times in the comments now. I really loved the references to other universes, though, like Wormdeath (LotR) and Thestralcorn (HP). Very fun stuff, just stretched a bit too thin over the story's bones.

This looks very polished, and is very strong in all aspects of craft. Unlike horizon, I don't think the scene with minitiature Pinkie was a bad choice. It went a long way to illustrate the hopeless situation and state Twilight was in.

I do agree that the ending overstays its welcome, though. Don't get me wrong, I'd totally read that story, but I think it'd best be told seperately.

There's nothing I cannot love about this story. The POV was great, as were all other technical aspects of writing. I liked the bit of shipping, the mystery, the action sequences... yeah, basically everything. Also, Chrysalis learning the hard way that ponies (or people, or changelings for that matter) have a tendency to want things that, ultimately, only increase their misery.

To the top it goes.

What >>Posh said, except I think the title is fantastic. The trips to the optometrist are the catalyst of, and finale for, Sombra's downfall. Brilliant origin story for an otherwise largely undeveloped villain.

>>Not_A_Hat
Please record it, I won't be availabe due to pesky real life birthday parties.

>>Not_A_Hat
Is that 48 minutes 2PM central?

Top marks. I found myself getting a little misty toward the end of Iron's speech. I think the skip forward served the story quite well. Traditions are important, and showing us how this one started and how long it has been going on feels fantastic. Allowing Luna to feel lost then unexpectedly reconnected to something was a nice garnish.

>>wYvern Yes, it will be recorded. Have fun!

>>bloons3 What?

>>Not_A_Hat
Is this the one happening in 20 minutes?

I'm a long time fan of "When Princesses Go Bad," so seeing the aftermath of Her Royal Pinkness going off the deep end is a great treat. Twilight and company's solution appears to have been giving the entire nation a malignant case of depression, which is a delightfully horrible, if accidental, solution to the problem.

>>bloons3 I'm still not quite sure what you're asking, but the podcast is happening Saturday, which is tomorrow for me. It'll be in just about twenty-four hours from when I post this message.

mareijuana

I paused to immediately come down here and note that I am both ashamed that I didn't think of this first, and surprised that this is the first I've seen of it.

As for the rest: I had a good time, and that's all anyone can really ask for. It's funnier than I expected from a "Celestia gets ridiculously high" story.

I just read the first paragraphs.

First I thought it was Twilight Sparkle against Science Twilight.

Then I thought it was Twilight as in Being Twilight Sparkle, i.e. a portal leads into Twilight's mind and Twilight goes through it.

I think you should've called that fic Twilight versus Sparkle.

That's all. :P

Argh. Discord.
Next story please :P

Funny but too long.

I add to the list Reading 3,000+ word stories.

😜

This definitely has a well-chosen core idea and solid framing — the emotional fallout of Equestria transitioning from combative defense to friendship defense, and the strain that creates on the princesses, agents, and normal ponies alike. There's a lot of juicy conflict there, and to its credit, this story zooms right in on the juiciest bits.

Unfortunately, the execution is far rougher than the structure. My reading rhythm keeps getting thrown by the odd turns of phrase that >>FrontSevens mentions. ("below a wooden floor's board of the living room": Board is VERY rarely used for any material besides wood, and "below" already implies it's part of the floor, so "a wooden floor's" is redundant. Also, "of" implies ownership or group membership, not placement: you want "in".)

This is nitpicky but: "Code green" also threw me. Typically, green is associated with things being good or normal (e.g. green stoplights mean go).

I should have been there, I should have come to that bloody wedding.

Author, this is about 900 words into your 2400-word story. A third of the way through. Up until then, everything is simply descriptions of Bon Bon attempting to console Lyra, or otherwise finding a way to deal with it. This sentence is (aside from a cryptic reference to Lyra being broken) the first time that we have any context for Lyra's pain.

I would strongly suggest establishing what happened to Lyra much earlier — that allows the reader to process how much Lyra's experiences have harmed her, rather than spending the time wondering what happened. Right now, it feels like there's not really any emotional impact to all of the weeping and screaming. We see Bon Bon trying to fix it, but it's not until much later that we see her guilt — or even know that she has a reason to blame herself (much less why)!

I'm also with >>Novel_Idea on Celestia's sudden emotional turnaround being problematic. Mostly because that isn't how people's emotions work, but also because this is Celestia we're talking about. It's a big statement to show her being angry about something, all the more so since you're doubling down on her Equestria literally trusting in friendship to solve its problems. That's not a thing that beings who easily get angry do.

It might help to do two separate edit passes here. The first pass, work on connecting the reader more with the emotions you're trying to bring out — get them invested in Bonnie's guilt at the beginning, and make Celestia's motives at the end clearer and more consistent. Then, take a second (and quicker) pass with the help of an editor, going word by word and ironing out all the little linguistic issues. The work for that might be substantial, but you've fundamentally got the right approach here, and this has a lot of potential for editing to bring out.

Tier: Needs Work

You know, one of my pet peeves in ponyfic is stories which include the sudden and shocking twist that all of this cool technology we're seeing was actually from before the Celestial War — especially when we're shown the exact same level of technology 1000 years later. After Celestia banished Luna, she managed to put a millennium of technological, magical and social development completely on pause? Can you imagine that happening on Earth in, say, the 1910s? Sure, (early) automobiles and trains can keep tootling around, but let's quash airplanes, germ theory, vaccines, atomic theory, computers … it keeps going. It's a long list.

How many ponies would she have to straight-up imprison or kill in order to halt research projects? What sort of tyrant would she have to be to halt progress in a technological society? What sort of monster would she have to be to sabotage medical advances, dooming millions of ponies to shortened lives and untreated diseases?

… Which makes it fairly impressive that the reveal didn't especially grate on me here.

I mean, yes, I still have to get over the mental hurdle of Equestria having airships 1000 years ago (and, annoyingly, airship crew being called "seaponies" :facehoof:), but there's enough lampshading in that final scene to salve my outrage. Luna's specifically there looking for some sort of connection to the past, the modern foundry is described vaguely enough that it leaves plenty of room for progress, and the first thing we hear is how automation has changed the industry. Overall I think that last scene still annoys me — and I'm not sure time-skipping to show that the tradition survives ultimately adds much to your story — but if you're going to do that, that's the way to.

Anyway!

This story felt like it accomplished its storytelling goals, and I'm especially a fan of the way that it ran with a literal prompt interpretation to draw emotional impact from an unusual angle. The character work felt much more hit-and-miss; Sharp Eyes just felt sort of annoying to me, and I never connected with (older) Iron Hooves, but the flashback sequences largely pulled their weight as a war story. (An exception: Capt. Earnest's speech was some serious scenery-chewing.) Some of the little details were elegant, like the different funeral rites of different tribes. And while I'm still dubious on the final scene, I think the bit about the soul of a ship worked well as an overarching theme — especially within the context of Equestria, where that can have more literal significance. (In fact, I'd recommend ditching or downplaying the skepticism in the final scene — maybe they do it because of superstition and don't know its significance, but treating it only as superstition seems to me to be a missed opportunity.)

It didn't excite me overall, but held together enough to feel like a worthy story as-is.

Tier: Strong

>>shinygiratinaz
>>Fenton
I also enjoyed the ideas this picture triggered. Sometime I really have to enter a round, instead of chickening out like I do every time, but it was definitely interesting and made an interesting prompt. I'd've liked to have seen your temple pic, too--that sounds really cool!

>>TitaniumDragon
>>Kitcat36
HA! I totally pegged this as yours!! *pats self on back* I've never managed to guess anything before, so this is pretty exciting.

I'll second >>Fenton's comment. I was hooked on this story's intent. It was long, and mellow, and full of lore, but not for a second did it bore. Often I find I must look away, but you, dear author, forced my eyes to stay.

I wasn't expecting to like this. I don't usually like stories where the entire universe dies. Yet, there's something about the phoenix effect which makes me love this. The little twists and turns. You get major bonus points from me for making Sunset and Twi sisters, but that's because I'm biased as hell regarding Sunset. And Twilight Twinkle? Moon Dancer's name for her? Priceless. I also like how Pinkie Pie is the same. Somehow... I have a feeling she's a universal constant.

I'll admit to skipping over the poisoning scene. I didn't want to read it, but that's just because I don't like dark. Yet despite that... I liked this. It reminds me a bit of Sunset of Time or one of Sanderson's book series (I don't want to spoil people who haven't read it). Where the end comes... and it's actually not so bad after all, because we know our heroes are okay.

I'll admit I actually enjoyed the second half of the story more than the first. Thematically, the reader in me loves the second half as it uplifts the story from incredibly depressing to happy. But the author part of me does agree it goes on too long. So I see it one of two ways: you can shorten the first part or shorten the second. Or better yet... maybe expand the whole thing into a novella or book. Some sense that Twilight was wrong... that they would be remembered. A little bit like the finale of the Hard Reset trilogy from Eakin. Where they find the connections despite everything.

That being said... I'd definitely read a series about Twilight Twinkle and her new friend Pinkie Pie. That... sounds like some fun times.

Great job!

Oh for the love of Celestia, Luna and anypony else...

I was amused. I was quite actually amused from start to finish. I'm slightly ashamed of that, but here we are. What can you do about it? It's amusing comedy, a tiny bit of fun with the Pie Family and absolutely every Evil Overlord Trope in existence (Dr. Evil has already filed for a lawsuit, by the way. And Evil one).

Entertaining... and completely cracked.

...Oh my. This is wonderful. Highly compelling, from the opening scene and the twist at the end, right up until the finish. While >>CoffeeMinion's point about the map table being unresolved at the end is valid, I think that the story, for the most part, handles everything else with grace and aplomb.

So that's a mark against it, but not nearly as big of a detractor as it could have been.

And I, for one, like the one-sided crush Starlight has on Twilight. Granted, it doesn't signify much in the story, and I wish it were dealt with more (perhaps Chrysalis makes an oblique comment about sensing it during the final confrontation), but it's a nice character detail that fits well with Glimglam.

A few assorted notes that I took while I was reading:

A moment later she got out of bed and stumbled off to the lavatory to empty her bladder. Dreams, after all, weren’t the only thing that could keep a pony awake.

...Call me a prude, but urination isn't really something that I care to read about in my gripping pony drama fanfiction.

But that would be inappropriate, on a train or anywhere else for that matter. Students didn’t snuggle up to their teachers. There were boundaries to be observed, borders of proper behavior, the lines of control that gave equine society purpose and harmony.

Teachers don't usually give students the opportunity to snuggle, either. Starlight seems to be holding Twilight to a different standard than she holds herself. :P

(Starlight's narration keeps referencing the need for control, which is a good, subtle nod to her character's origins. I approve!)

It's also "Las Pegasus," I think, in keeping with the real-world naming convention. Also, we do see the city in the show, in season six, and it's sorta... in the clouds? Not the desert? That detail did take me out of the story, a little bit.

Chryssi's magic changes color from emerald to viridian; minor nitpick, but I'm pretty sure those are different.

“The stars form recurring patterns in in the sky, right?” Starlight said. “Seasonal, yearly, decamerally. It’s possible she’s trying to use those patterns to reach back in time and influence events somehow. I don’t think I could do it myself, but with enough time I could probably come up with something similar.”

I have a note here that just says "Ooh." I think it's about where I figured out what was going on.

Two more things, one minor, one less minor. First, I'm not sure what Starlight did to Chryssi, or what the extent of the damage is, or how she can even tell there's a black score on her horn when Chryssi's horn is jet black chitin in the first place.

Second, while I love the twist that future!Chryssi was the one trying to tell Starlight how to defeat past!Chryssi, her explanation for why feels wanting. Starlight asks why and Chryssi's like "eh, shit's boring." Feels like a weak note to leave off on.

Overall, a masterfully compelling mystery with a great twist. Flawed, but what the hell isn't, huh?

8/10.

Cute, but overall dragged down a bit by its pacing, I think. While the overall tone is amusing, I don't think any of the jokes particularly get the necessary time to be built up or breather. The biggest whammies just kinda slam in without any fanfare, and thing that I think should get legitimate laughs only end up getting small smiles. The biggest punchline (as it were) doesn't really pan out for me because once Vinyl starts denying talking about the cello breakage, I sorta assumed that was what was the final punch was gonna be.

Your perspective is a bit weird, bouncing between something like 3rd Limited and 3rd Omniscient, which is always distracting. Moreover, Vinyl has -so much- thought in the first scene that the absence is really obvious later in. Pick a type of perspective and stick to it!

Voicing is for the most part good, though I think Rainbow Dash sounds a little off on word choice, but I'd need to rewatch some pone to be sure. Great voicing otherwise though.

We're less than 24 hours away from the end of prelims, so you know what that means! Anxiously watching the timer count down spotlighting some under-reviewed fics!

There's one story right now sitting at 4 reviews (4 unique commentors):
Putri Jaran

There are also three stories sitting at 5 reviews:
The Path
Cello Damage
Meaning

Let's bring them all up to 6! :>

(Side note to author of The Path: I've read the whole story now and will type up my review when I have time, so then my comment will be a true review)

>>Posh
>>Fenton

I'd just like to note that Raven isn't an OC—she's an actual character from the series, however minor.

This had me up until we started seeing the changes in the islanders' way of life and economic system. Twilight was wonderful, and her flubbing the local language was hilarious and perfectly in character, as was the narrator's precocious crush on her.

Once the story gets into gear, however, it loses me. It's competently written, and the subject matter is treated with the appropriate level of gravity; it's a highly relevant and stark look at imperialism. I just don't think that it fits at all with the MLP material. The reasons why are multifarious, but the most glaring, to me, is the use of Twilight Sparkle as the face of Equestrian cultural hegemony. The lack of sensitivity and understanding she shows to the local culture is astonishing. I could maybe see her as a well-meaning, but naive, point of cultural contact, but she's out-and-out malicious at times, and that doesn't square well at all with her portrayal on the show.

She wrote a thick, complex, thoroughly researched guide book about griffons and their culture, fer pony's sake. Because Rainbow Dash took a train to a griffon city. One. Time.

I also question the logic behind the relations between these two nations. The islanders all speak pony-talk, and it's only a short boat ride away from Equestria, yet they're completely ignorant of all aspects of Equestrian society? They don't even know who Celestia is?

...What?

Slow-burning mystery that burns a little too slowly at times (when Daring Do notes how bored she is while traveling, that's when I started to lose interest). However, the apocalypse log entries more than made up for it, and once 'Do made it to the ruins of the colony, the story grabbed and never lost me.

...That's not to say it doesn't have flaws. Besides the sometimes awkward prose and writing, the pony revolution happens with no build-up or fanfare, and the ending is the most obnoxious kind of cliffhanger: the kind that doesn't make any sense. Going by her narration, Daring Do has no idea what the object that the anonymous human is pointing at her is. Logically, her response to it shouldn't be cold terror, but confusion. It would make more sense for her final words to be "what the hell is that thing?" or something along those lines.

That she greets her end with fear, and dies like a complete chump, runs contrary to her enterprising character, too.

Spike had known dignitaries and even little fillies harder to track than the old zebra.

...Implying that Spike makes a habit of stalking little fillies?

It's an exposition-heavy, dialogue-driven piece where most of the world-building is done by Spike angrily shouting it at another character. The story does well up until he comes into contact with Death, but grinds to a halt right then. We don't actually see the results of this deathless world, no listless, depressed zebras trudging here and there, or signs that anyone in the market might be suicidal, or some tangible reaction to Death's unilateral decision to impose eternal life on everyone.

We just read about them when Spike shouts them at Death.

I can get behind this conceptually, but the story doesn't do that concept justice, I'm sorry.

First of all, this is currently first second on my slate against heavy competition. It's rich with detail, and hard-hitting as a story about the problems of colonialism. I have no particular feedback, except for one extremely important thing: joining the crowd complaining about this being written as a My Little Pony story.

... No, actually: the problem isn't that this is a pony story. The problem is specifically with Twilight and her role.

You only have to look at my own story history (notably The Last Dreams of Pony Island) to see that I not only approve of, but have personally written about, examining the intersection of Equestria and colonialism. The idea of a utopia colliding with the principles of the rest of the world around it is very fertile ground for storytelling. And I've written my share of stories (unsuccessfully) trying to reconcile the princess' public images with the sacrifices required by realpolitik: see e.g. Hearth Swarming Eve, or (here in Writeoff-land) Might Make Right or Death By Dawn. That is a freaking minefield that someday I will conquer without leaving giant smoking craters in my literary landscape. Someday.

But ... you just don't do that to Twilight, not without rejecting the entire premise of pony and falling into a screaming black hole of cynicism. Not Twilight fucking Sparkle. Look at the list of villains she has personally fought and then extended a hoof of redemption toward -- do you really believe she would say "don't attack soldiers, and you'll be fine"? Look at Yakyakistan -- do you think she'd give up on these ponies after a statue got broken? Look at Starlight Glimmer (if you must) -- do you think she'd let bureaucracy handle crime and punishment?

You can do this with other princesses, because of their more abstract appearances and metaphysical roles in the show. Celestia represents power: a corrupt Celestia says that, regardless of how well the world around you is treating you, you can't trust authority. (And, indeed, Tyrantlestia is almost a fandom in-joke at this point.) Luna represents redemption: the idea that good individuals can do bad things, and then can make up for it. (Corrupting her again is a statement that evil is a one-way street.) Cadance represents ... geez, idk, her role in the show is minimal enough that you could probably go anywhere with that. Growth, I guess? Her arc travels the show's largest age/role distance, from babysitter to not only ruler but married mother. Corrupting her is a statement that power corrupts, and that you're gonna make compromises as you go.

But Twilight? Twilight represents hope. She is young and naive, but her solutions work. That's the core of pony: that friendship works, when applied properly. And Twilight Sparkle is the avatar of applying it properly. Corrupting her says: fuck you, evil is the best-case scenario.

So, frankly, I read this story with blinders on. You're describing some other pony who put on wings and painted herself purple. With Trylight Sharkle, this story works, and I strongly recommend some sort of search-and-replace rewrite.

Counterpoint: "The fact that it's Twilight Sparkle who's engaging in the banality of evil makes a stronger statement than just using Generic Pony Princess #6!" Yes, that is true. However, you're making Twilight Sparkle reject friendship-based solutions, and if you're gonna do that you need approximately an ocean of lampshading. Every story I've seen make that work has completely fucked her up, on-screen, in some huge way, and the story then extensively explored that fallout. (Schemering Sintel kidnapped Spike and then spent most of the story further beating her down. The Mare In The High Castle had her grow up in Nightmare Moon's world, and despite that she still shows moments of redemption. Eyes Without A Face literally raped her in chapter 9, and I'm pretty sure she was less evil there than she is here.)

Rant over.

Nitpick: "Kuda" may be a better word than "jaran" for horse, at least according to the Cambridge English/Indonesian dictionary. (That's what I used in The Sun Birds.)

Thing that is as important as a nitpick, but in a positive direction[1]: I love the fact that you apparently interpreted Pip's chimney-brush in the source art as a palm tree, and ran hard with that.

Tier: Top Contender

--
[1] English needs a word for this. I propose "nitprop".

Like everyone else here, I think this is an excellent story. Great characterization, good pacing, an interesting and believable idea and a 'voice' that just flows. Of particular note:

I thought the dream sequences were very well done individually and integrated into the story. They could have very easily been filler, but turned out to be integral to the plot. (For a while, I was actually wondering if the trip to Las Pegasus was the dream and the duels were the real world, which is a good thing.) And the fact that they were all Alternate!Chrysalis trying to right the timeline was an interesting twist that made sense.

Also that this is a complete story with a resolution that made sense in the context of the setup. I didn't feel like the story was rushed and I didn't feel cheated by a cheap or super-quick ending.

The only real negative I can see is that there are a few typos here and there; you'll definitely want to add another layer of polish before publication.

And a couple of suggestions (take them or don't as you like):

It's been mentioned above that too much is made of Starlight's interest in taking apart the Cutie Map and seeing how it works. I happen to agree and think it would be better if only one mention is made of that matter in the story. A single mention would be a throwaway factoid that would add to the description of Starlight's character; more than that and readers begin to wonder if the Cutie Map's inner workings are going to have something to do with the plot.

And in the final dream sequence, it would be good to have Starlight get an actual glimpse of the hell-world that Chrysalis made with her time-tampering. That would add a lot more punch to the scene and show, rather than imply, that Starlight has saved her world.

You could also have Starlight reflect in the end on the fact that this time she was the one to put the time-line back together again, something that would definitely lighten the burden on her soul (even if just a little).

Anyway, it's a great story, and I definitely think it's a strong contender for 1st place in this competition.

I was fairly amused. I didn't see the actual character coming, so win for you there. It was amusing, it was silly and it was exactly what the picture called for. However, I felt somewhat cheated for not getting an in-depth description of their costumes. That's par for the course for this kind of thing! Come on!

Entertaining and cracked.

The ending though? Too out of left field. Fluttershy didn't appear once. I don't mind there being a Discord scene, but there needs to be a bit more to make that work. Like him going back to his house and calling up the villain to yell at him or something.

While it was a little amusing... there's little in the way of actual story here. We don't get to find out what actually happened to the cello. We don't find out what Octavia did in Canterlot (though that's not strictly required) and the ending... wasn't really an ending. The cello was fixed. There's... just not a lot there.

A couple voice things. Rainbow and Rarity were done pretty well, Vinyl felt uninspired and Octavia didn't give a sense of refinement at all. I think with a lot of polish and some more thought to the story, it could indeed be made serviceable.

I wanted to add a second comment here. I ended up reading this last night and the story keeps coming back to me more than any other story in this Writeoff. Now, that may be because I get a little weird with reality-rewriting stories (especially when it comes to someone themselves being rewritten, even if it's ultimately a good thing). But I think it's a the mark of a good author and a good story if the story stays with you and continues to affect you on an emotional/mental level long after the story is completed. So a second well-done by me. This one definitely earned a spot on the top of my list.

There's not a medal for "most unexpected sentence ever read," but if there was I'd give it to you this round.

Bon-Bon slapped DarkStorm across the face with Lyra's entire body.

Just, what the hell. I actually lol'd. Flutters was a bit of a surprise, but she didn't kill the overall mood too much.

I personally thought this was an enjoyable piece: a nice, light-hearted adventure with an interesting pairing. I like the fact that, while there were plenty of BTTF references and the plot was based on the movie, there were some interesting twists that made this its own story. And everything going to Tartarus is pretty standard when Discord enters the picture, and this story captures that nicely.

I'll try not to repeat, in terms of criticism, what others have mentioned, and try to focus on what else I thought needed some work:

The beginning lacks tension; Sunset and Discord are traveling through time 'just because' and they simply blunder into the main problems of the plot. There's also the fact that, while Sunset might be game for adventure, I doubt she'd be interested in going through time (she's likely heard of the events of 'The Cutie Re-Mark' and knows first-hand the dangers of aimlessly throwing around magic). You might have Discord trick Sunset or drag her into this adventure a little (perhaps he needles Sunset to get her going).

The middle needs to be expanded, though I blame space constraints for this and not the author.

And then there's the ending. I hope I'm not sounding too harsh when I say this, but the ending feels rushed, if not tacked on, and I can understand if that's again from the space constraints and not the author's choice. But the fact that, after all the mess Sunset and Discord left behind in the past, nothing changes in the present will feel like a cop-out to a lot of readers. (While I could see Discord bailing on any messes he makes, I don't see Sunset doing that.) I'm saying this because it's canon in MLP:FiM that traveling through time will either have no effect (you were supposed to go back) or have a massive effect (see 'Cutie Re-Mark').

If you decide to publish, it might be a good idea for things to have changed in the future, or for Sunset to actually resolve the messes she left in the past (while having to drag Discord along by the ear).

Again, I found this to be an enjoyable read overall, and I'm glad you could share this.

A very enjoyable piece of crackfic; well-written, with an interesting idea.

I do have one suggestion, take it as you will:

It might be better to replace the Pinkie Pie scene with a return to the thestralcorn cave, where they find out that Nightmare Moon really is gone and then try to figure out what to do with themselves (that would be an interesting lodge meeting...). It would fully resolve their arc and act as a bookend to the beginning, and Pinkie could show up somewhere to make some suggestions about what to do (perhaps she makes suggestions for a while before the thestralcorns realize there's an earth pony in their midst?).

I'm gonna second that I think the title is a bit of a problem here. The structure you use is very much a comedy (black or otherwise) one when this is anything but.

Prose is quite good (though I'm not quite sure how I feel about your use of italics vs quoting).

Story structure... I'm a little less sure on. While I like what you ultimately do, some things are a little weird. Like the initial optometrist scene feels just shy of non-sequitur. Like, I don't quite fully buy into the idea for the initial visit (or even the necessity of perfect eyesight here). There just doesn't feel like there is a solid through element. Honestly, it feels like the real hook here is the working relationship of Sparkle Dust and Sombra, but that gets less play than expected and is actually sort of abandoned in the end. Like, by all rights, I kinda feel she should show up and be dead too at the very least.

I liked the eye chart use at the end, but I think you need to do a little more metatextual work there. This story is in such tight third person (and the previous presentation of the chart was directly from his eyes) that seeing the chart as we do is a bit odd. The idea is really cool, but I think it needs to be refined just a bit more to really nail the presentation.

Medal for best recurring joke payoff in a story, for sure. Also points for the real-life jab at the anti-weed campaigns. A strong and funny, if a bit stereotypical in its depictions, story about substance use. I'd really like some more payoff for the line about "fire elemental warning." I'm imagining some hilarious and dangerous shenanigans that we are, sadly, never privy to.

420/10, would hunt phoenix again.

I think I'm in agreement with everyone else. It's a good idea and a decent story, but it lacks something to make it stand out.

If you don't mind me inflicting them on you, I have a few thoughts on this piece (take them as you will):

It could be possible to have there be a couple more links in the 'chain' of ponies that Vinyl goes to; the more places she goes, the more desperate she'll seem.

Also, it might be good to leave out the Mane 6 entirely and instead have Vinyl simply go to background ponies (the Doctor and Derpy/Muffins, for example); I think the story would be able to support that, and it would fit better with a story centered on Vinyl and Octavia.

Finally, since this is a story about someone running around trying to fix a problem, the solution could be something the character ran into at the beginning, so as to create a sense of irony. (As an example, what if Octavia has broken the cello before and has a method of fixing it up, good as new? At the end of the story Vinyl finds that, if she had just been up front with Octavia in the beginning, the problem would have been solved immediately and she wouldn't have had to run around town all day.)

Anyway, the overall idea is fun, and I thank you for sharing this.

When I first read this, I wasn't impressed by the start, but it won me over as it proceeded, and the impact of the final scene by itself vaulted this into Top Contender territory. Yes, the pacing at the start is slow, but on a re-read, I'm not sure there's anything I would actually change. The structure here is all about setting up the house of cards so everything can collapse at once.

The core premise pulls one of the most terrifying implications out of pinkhorse's powers that I've read in my time in the fandom, and the execution sells it. Author, if you're not in the RCL yet, go get this published on FIMFiction ASAP so I can nominate it.

Nitpicks:
She's woken up by a bird in the morning, but the night is deathly silent? Where are the night animals?

“That’s good. Means she’s eating.”

I think the word "good" treads a little too close to the line of Meaning here. You probably want something more objective and analytical. (And it's worth doing a close read on the story to make sure that ponies' language syncs with your premise throughout.)

There has been no literature since, of course.

Consider editing this: "There has been no meaning in literature since, of course." I'd think that in their attempts to restore meaning that would be among the primary experiments she'd conduct: attempting to replicate things with meaning in.

Cadence turned on her heels

:V

“Turned… off?” Cadence’s mind creaked like clockwork someone had just thrown a wrench in.

“What do you mean… survive. How long has this loss of meaning been going on?” Cadence had only eyes for Twilight now, her comprehension still broken to pieces.

These are both telly descriptions -- which by itself aren't necessarily problems, but they're being used to accentuate dialogue that doesn't really benefit from the explanations. In a section of the story that needs to be punchy, these belabor the point.

Twilight examined Cadence’s face. “Is that horror? Matches the description at least. Very interesting.”

Just wanted to call this out as a fantastic line. The ending, in general, closes outrageously strong.

Between this, Putri Jaran, Twilight's Rainboom, and Ars Vivendi, I've been juggling around the top of my slate a fair bit. My re-read is only increasing my opinion of the story, and I'm gonna listen to that and let this one elbow its way into first.

Tier: Top Contender

I suppose I should say something about this before all the fic retrospectives start.

I know this didn't do very well in the rankings, but I'm fairly happy with how this turned out. This was the first art thing I've done in a few years, and I think it's the first vector thing I've ever actually finished.

The ashes didn't turn out very well, but I also didn't have very much time to work on them.

I considered adding in a knocked-over urn labeled "Pinkie Pie's Ashes," but I thought it would be better to leave the picture more ambiguous for writers.

Now, there are some comments I'd like to address: >>Not_A_Hat >>TitaniumDragon
I used a screenshot, but created the vectors myself. I did some searching around around Derpibooru, but I couldn't find this pose anywhere, in vectors or screenshots. If I had found a vector of it available, I probably wouldn't have bothered.
(And for the record, I got the screenshot I based this on from the Equestria Girls music video. As in the original one, back before "Equestria Girls" meant "humans in high school." I know it was probably in an episode before that, but I have no idea which one.)
To be honest, the "low effort"/"lazy" accusations kind of hurt. I'm assuming that they were made with the assumption that all I did was download a vector someone else had made and add some crappy ashes, because I can can understand that. But I strongly object to the possible insinuation that drawing is somehow automatically superior to vectoring.

And thank you to everyone else who commented as well:
>>Fenton
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Kritten
>>Remedyfortheheart
>>horizon

(Except this guy. I give him zero thanks.)
>>The_Letter_J

Confession time: I made this thing. I am both proud and ashamed of it. Especially since several of you crazy people decided it would be a good idea to write a story about it. I look forward to reading those when I have some more time.

And if anyone is crazy enough to actually want to use this beautiful OC for anything (I'm looking at you, >>xXx_quill_da_goffik_scratch_xXx), here's the Pony Creator code: 2S2S00728126262611111103011E50707PL153A204010000X0C90808FF7FFF11107F3FCC004CB2

And thank you everyone!
>>Kritten
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Haze
>>CoffeeMinion
>>xXx_quill_da_goffik_scratch_xXx
>>Fenton
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Posh
>>Remedyfortheheart
>>RodgerDodger is a PooFace
>>TitaniumDragon
>>The_Letter_J
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Fenton
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Moosetasm
>>horizon

The 80s were not 30 years ago, no matter what basic arithmetic and the calendar says. Shut up.

Great points for the nod to the unblinking eyeball in the void. Inter-round jokes and references are fun, and it still works well without knowing the history. Susnet no-selling Discord's shenanigans once she realizes she's not about to be robbed is hilarious, and I'm glad it's her doing it. I don't think any other person/pony has the stones for it.

I’m not omnipotent after all.

Well, he is, more or less. What he certainly isn't is omniscient. Probably. I'm not 100% sure if him shaking off water a bit later is the joke I think it is, but I sure as hell hope I read it right. Can confirm, ladies love the bikes.

I had a blast reading through this. Sunset and Discord are the most unlikely adventure pair I could have imagined, but they work when this well written. Heavy draw from BTTF, obviously, but things go just wrong enough at every turn that it feels like a comedic homage rather than a palette swap.

>>eusocialdragon
To be fair, we don't know before the shenanigans how Twilight's parents met, so maybe something did change and we're just not privy to the details. Twi's parents meeting and having kids isn't the nation ending axis in the human world that it is in Equestria, so maybe the auto-correct works a little better.

Lemme preface what I'm going to say with I enjoyed this and, as of this moment, this is topping my slate. This is an excellent little adventure story, and while it does use the inferior GlimGlam ship option, I quite enjoyed it. Very solid prose.

That said I am about to nitpick a lot.

Let's start off by saying Chrysalis is about as dumb as a sack of bricks. Like, this is right up there with "Love is my power source!" followed immediately by "Pffft what are you two going to do with love?" like she didn't just tell them love was powerful. This might well just be a choice of consistent characterization, but holy hell is it irritating.

First. She's a shapeshifter. Even surprised, why the hell is her first instinct to immediately drop her disguise?

Second. Future Chrysalis possesses the ability to communicate pretty directly in the dreams based on the last one, which means she has -no reason- to not have taken a way more direct tact in helping Starlight. She didn't have to reveal herself, necessarily (she could have pretended to be Starlight herself until the end, for example), but I'm a bit hard-pressed to think of a reason why she wouldn't be way more direct.

The romance subplot is a bit... distracting? I sometimes wonder if maybe I'm just a horrifically unromantic person, but the kind of obsessive consideration Starlight demonstrates during this story is always a bit worrying. Like, there is barely a scene where she isn't somehow fawning over/desiring Twilight. It gets a little overwhelming, even if it is way less common in the back half of the story. And it is occasionally distracting. Like her considerations post dream make the dream seem a lot less... worrying, I guess? Like if she's really so bothered she can't sleep, wondering about Twilight's use of the word friend kinda strikes me as weird (though I will say the magic touch -is- a positive use in that scene, because it does tie much stronger to the expected emotions).

Starlight's approach on killing Chrysalis is... weird and kinda tonally out there.

Similarly, the climax very much feels like you ran out of time and just had to get something down. Like, you open on a big, action packed anime fight, but you end on what was, essentially, a suckerpunch. Which, for the shonen manga lover in me, is really disappointing. I mean, sure, it can make sense, but if we're gonna be an action story, your climax should be hot shit. Similarly, the issue of using SPARE on Chrysalis... also feels unearned. We got no real wrap up with current Chrysalis, and future Chrysalis just sorta goes "Yo, please don't kill me." I get the idea that this is a pretty ultimate redemption, but if you were at the cold-blooded kill stage, I kinda feel you need a little walking back. That said, I suspect this was a time (and possibly length) issue.

I suspect you were trying to provide a little audience explanation and offer a little more agency for Starlight, but I find the idea that Twilight didn't already know everything she could about Glim's time travel spell credulity straining. Like I really can't imagine she hasn't drilled her student to dust on that one. And speaking of Twilight characterization, even in a dream, the idea that she'd let books get fried during a duel also bugs me.

Anyhow, to reiterate. I seriously liked this a lot. I nitpick because I love.

Suicide's a popular topic for this one. Not as popular as dank chronic, but still. I dunno, maybe I'm the only one who considers two entries with suicide as subject matter to constitute popularity.

Generally, I dislike stories where one of the Mane Six is revealed to have some sort of major mental illness, with their personality on the show being a facade of normality to hide it. There are, of course, exceptions to that rule; specifically, Twilight Tries Not to Think and the woefully underappreciated The Problem (you guys want to do me a favor? Get on my good side? Read and review The Problem; it is criminal just how little love it's gotten), both of which posit that Princess Purplesmart is severely depressed. And what both stories do well, to me, what sets them apart from other stories in the Depressed Mane Six sub-genre, is that the character's despair is contextualized and portrayed within the story. Rather than just be a trait that they're imagined to have always had, the character is shown living out their everyday existence in the grip of their depression.

I bring this up because this is a clear example of a story which fits that classification. Pinkie Pie is suicidally depressed. As a story, it's decent enough. But does it effectively capture, contextualize, and portray her condition?

...Yes. And no.

The conceit here is that Pinkie is living out a Groundhog Day loop, implied to be the entirety of MLP:FiM's run, that she, alone, out of everyone in the world is aware of it, and that she has grown less and less enchanted with it the longer this time loop persists. She is tired of her existence, and wants an end to it. That much, at least, is conveyed well. The fact that it's Pinkie is significant, too; the story points out that canon!Pinkie has a sixth sense (and Real!Twilight's reaction when Pinkie brings that up is one of the few moments of genuine levity in an otherwise grim story), so her being aware of the passing of the cycle, instead of anyone else who could have fit the role, works. And, thematically, the fact that the most persistently happy and upbeat member of the cast is this desperate to end her own life, works as well.

So the context is there, and it fits. What doesn't fit, I think, is how the character's thoughts and actions portray a struggle with that kind of mindset. Pinkie doesn't really have an arc here; it seems that, from the beginning, she's already made up her mind to end the time loop. We don't see her wrestling with her feelings as she comes to the decision to do it; she just marches up to the Tree of Harmony, announces her intention to "do something drastic," and then does just that. Boom. No build-up or fanfare.

The point is, while I can see Time-Loop-Science-Purgatory Pinkie Pie being driven to that sort of desperation... we don't see her be driven to it. She's there, and there's no character journey for her. I agree with my horse-colleagues who criticize the story's final scene as being overly long compared to the rest of it, and needlessly so. I submit that time and space spent explaining the specifics of the Twinkle clan's home life, and Twilight's Bart Simpson-lite approach to education (I see the point there, to differentiate her from Purplesmart, but this universe is not germane to the story being told) could have been better spent giving Pinkie Pie a character arc, and building up to her suicide.

Overall... it's okay, I guess. Eh. 8/10.

>>The_Letter_J I apologize for hurting your feelings. Vectoring isn't at all inferior to drawing; I simply assumed that you hadn't vectored it yourself. It can be hard to tell how much work someone puts in, and I drew the wrong conclusion here.

>>TitaniumDragon
I believe the proper name for this is "the noodle incident." And I'll agree that it's the proper fit for the story in the scope we're exposed to it. We get just enough clues that some things went down, and our beloved couple are still rolling with the consequences a year later.

Pale Trotter (excellent naming) deciding to be an awesome wingman, against his own best interests, is terminally endearing.

We don't actually get any confirmation of who the narrator is until pretty deep in the story, which is a bit of an obnoxious thing. You can assume from the missing presence that the narrator is Sweetie pretty early, but the introduction of Sunset into the scene does diminish the effectiveness of that a bit since it means the three aren't necessarily all together.

And overall, I think that's kinda the core problem. This story leans a little too much on implication for scene setting information. For example, I'm still unsure how old the CMC are in this story. I eventually am pretty sure it isn't kids anymore, but aside from that? Nada.

Looking up, the other commentators seem to touch on this a decent amount, so yeah, I'd advise making sure you take into consideration what they say on it.

Ending is also unsatisfying because the core narrative of the story is "preserve the Age of Fire Friendship", so that's what we want resolved. Had the core narrative been the CMC struggling to decide to do this? THEN you could do the totally ambiguous ending because the core thing there is whether or not they do it, no whether it works.

And yeah. This is really, really, really, really Dark Souls. Using the phrase "kindle a bonfire" ripped me straight out of the story. Like it's fine if you want to homage/base/crossover, but in this case you're kinda walking an ambiguous line, and thematically running that close and then dropping the pretty straight line is fairly distracting.

Solid atmosphere, though.

So. I wanted to try something new.

We’ve done title mashups before. However, this time I wanted to try… passage mashups :o

Basically, I took passages from two different stories each and mashed them together. Maybe it’s funny, maybe it’s not, maybe it’s stupid, but I had fun, at least :>

Misquoted from the Writeoff
A picture is worth 2 to 8 thousand words edition

T H E R E I S
N O S U C H
T H I N G
A S H E
A V E
E E
N

"R... And an E. And—I?"

The roar in his ears returned, intelligible in the relative quiet of Crystal Clear's office.

Heaven, it crooned.

"Is that an S?" Sombra asked, reaching up to mop at his brow.

Did your grandmother never tell you that there is no such place?

(from Sombra Visits the Hereafter)

The meal was finished, and Spike had started to clean the kitchen, leaving Twilight Sparkle deep in their thoughts at the table.

Thoughts, ideas, wants, desires flew between the twinned minds. What-do, do-think, think-feel, idea-explore? How-make-query-desire-practical?

“Spike,” Twilight Sparkle called, thoughts collided, bouncing, flying back and forth. “Take a letter.”

"Leeeeeettter," Spike warbled. "D. D is for 'Dear Princess Celestia, signed, Twilight Sparkle’. That's, um, lots of letters though. 'Dear', that's four, 'Princess', plus eight—"

(from Twilight, Up in Smoke)

The Swiftstep Brew faded. Zelabra looked confused for a second, turned to face Zecora… and collapsed with a sigh.

“She has quite the temper, even for one so young. Now, stand aside, for I do what must be done.”

“She isn’t hurt, at least I trust,” Zerrin said, though Zecora could hear the anger in his words. “So I must ask… phoenix dust?”

Zecora nodded.

“That phoenix dust, it’s a helluva drug,” Zerrin said with a bow. “Perks pinions up, and puts a smile on yer mug.”

Zecora replied, “We may be stuck in this hole that we’ve dug, but phoenix dust is still a helluva drug.”

(from Rise of the Path: The Musical)

>>FrontSevens
Yeeeaaaah boooooyeeeee

It's mashup time; they're a helluva drug!

Cello Suicide: To fix Octavia's cello, Vinyl must hunt and take the mantle of The Death Of Cellos. Meanwhile, Terry Pratchett's coffin achieves takeoff due to the turbine-like spinning of him in his grave.

Ashes of SUNSET AND DISCORD: Gal-pals extraordinare Sunset Shimmer and Disco Stu ruin a proud naval tradition before it's even started by kissing all the ponies on board all the ships, and the griffons, and Celestia, and the ships themselves. Then they ship the ships together. Meanwhile, the inexplicably located corpse of Xzibit spins in his (watery) grave.

Pulling The Trigger: The Musical:

The human's in gear!
Gun cylinders are clickin'!
*beat*
He's spun in his grave,
And now he's kinda thinkin'
Pones taste like chicken!

Okay, I personally thought this was pretty clever, and I definitely enjoyed it. I especially liked the interactions between Sunset and Discord. The way Sunset just kinda.. rolled with things was great!

I have to agree with many of the previous reviews one two items however. First, the more minor one: The whole "Hey, it's the 80's!" thing with Sunset being clueless/ambivalent about the pop culture stuff is kind of funny. But your time skip is rather... abrupt and awkward. You start off with some bits of "Hey, look! 80's nostalgia stuff!" And then you literally skip a day with a sentence or two talking about "Hijiinks" and "Pop culture references." It feels a bit, I don't know, lazy. Like the author is saying "I had this idea for a bunch of 80's stuff, but I'm bored with it now, so let's just skip it all." Even a few lines expanding on that time skip would have worked better. Perhaps a noodle incident or two that isn't quite explained, and/or Sunset being puzzled over some bit of 80's era slang or technology or whatnot.

The second issue was how abrupt the ending was. Sunset just kinda... Gives up. Says "Screw this, I'm going home." and heads back to the future without really trying to fix anything. Maybe if you had her reassuring herself that Discord is reformed and 'harmless' and wouldn't actually cause anything terrible to happen it would be more reasonable for her to run off. As it stands it just seems a bit out of character for her to cut and run like that.

All in all though I thoroughly enjoyed this one. It was a great omage to Back to the Future. and poor Sunset is going to have a very awkward conversation in her future... ;>

Okay, let me start off by saying that, being a serial procrastinator, I am reading my entires at the last minute and rather late in the evening. As such I am finding it difficult to slog through a few of the stories on my slate. Either because the subject matter doesn't catch my interest, or the writing itself is... not of the highest caliber. Making it through a few without just skimming has been a struggle for some of them.

This story is not one of them.

I found the whole thing quite engaging. It's a delightful bit of world building. I love the way each flashback and labeled, and each one moves backwards in time, while the story moves forward. It's an impressive bit of pacing. I'll agree with some of the earlier complaints that Zecora's rhymes are sometimes a bit.. lackluster. But considering how difficult it is to write rhyming prose, I'm more than willing to let that slide.

I really don't have much else to say about this, except to say that it's definitely going to be at or near the top of my slate. Good work!

>>Kitcat36
Yeah, was perhaps not my most subtle work, though I figured it could work for a variety of "Twilight and Rainbow Dash" things.

“Spike, age one hundred and ten, friends of the Bearers of the pieces of Harmony, correct?”

Spike sat down on his haunches, digesting this information. “They’re the Elements of Harmony, but yes, that’s… me.”

“Pieces—elements,” he waved a hoof. “I find it ironic that Harmony of all Roles shattered into six pieces while the other five Roles of Equestria—even chaos—stayed intact.”

“A—Are you a Bearer then?” said Spike.

The Zebra’s unsettling eyes reverted back to white. “I feel an incredible sense of trust in you Drake, what is your name?”

“Uhh… Spike, I am the faithful servant of Harmony’s Bearer of Magic.”

Looks like you accidentally walked back an idea and forgot to totally get rid of it. Spike seems to be identified twice.

Anyhow, while the idea is interesting, this story really failed to click with me because it is basically a philosophical argument on two viewpoints (which, while it can be engaging, is not really a thing I'm hugely fond of - it'd be more interesting to actually see the societal change) and... I don't think either side presents a very good argument, really.

Dread barely tries to articulate his argument and Spike's kinda falls flat on its face, with many of his pro-random death arguments being pretty easily thrown straight back into his face, which is really frustrating.

I dunno. Honestly, this just didn't work for me.

EDIT: Also, there is a somewhat important question of what sort of immortality is this? Like, do you keep aging to the point of complete infirmity? Does aging freeze? That is actually kinda relevant to the subject at hand and it isn't really clear.

My last couple days have been excessively interesting, including an attempt to drive to Whinny City Pony Con that ran aground due to family health issues. So for this story I don't have a ton to say other than that it was funny. Could probably be stronger with some cleanup, but I am satisfied customer.

Tier: Strong Bad

This is one I'm afraid I'm gonna have to abstain from voting on. I have trouble connecting it with the source material, and as such, I don't think I can judge it on its own merits objectively.

>>Novel_Idea My thoughts exactly. It's funny; the material is good, and there's a comical non-logic to Vinyl's approach to problem-solving, but the framework of the story, and the plot, feel weak.

I also am not sure I like the deus ex machina trope being played completely straight. I mean, Luna being in the story has potential, but the fact that she just solves the problem, with little arm-twisting or cajoling, is a very weak note to end on.

I generally don't truck with stoner/weed humor, but after spending time in the chat making weed-related puns on different authors' names (mine was Kushy-Wushy, if anyone was curious), I can't help appreciating this.

And I do think there's a bit more substance to the comedy than just "lolweed." A lot of the best material focused on the characters themselves. Fluttershy's brief appearance stands out strongly to me, but Twilight being the straight man mare in this situation is both perfectly in character and hilarious.

It's not slate-topping material, but it's a competently executed comedy, and while it stops to preach, the preaching doesn't overstay its welcome.

8/10.

Naturally, the last story I read and review is the longest in the entire competition.

Full disclosure, I've never seen Back to the Future, so any jokes or references to that movie are completely lost on me. I have no way of knowing whether this fic leans too heavily on its source material to stand on its own merits, because I know nothing about the source material.

So, from that perspective, I'd say this story does pretty well. It's character-centric, character-driven comedy, featuring a dynamic that's not seen very often (or ever?) in ponyfic. Sunset and Discord play off of each other well, especially since Sunset makes it clear at the start that she's not going to be put off by any of Discord's bullshit. She's so, so much better suited for a story of this type than any of her contemporaries.

That said, I agree with my fellows that the plot is the weakest element of the story, specifically because it doesn't have a real resolution. Sunset quits, goes home, and then events just sort of fix themselves off screen, with the only repercussion being that Twilight's mom has a memory of going to a dance with Twilight's girlfriend, making out with her, and also propositioning her for sex.

It's a cheap way to end the story, and IMO, it makes the story and the events within null and void. Matters fixed themselves, and Velvet and Night Light ended up together anyway because circumstances just conspired to get them together (which runs contrary to Discord's lecture on chaos and causality).

I get the feeling that the author made this up as they wrote, and while the results are impressive considering, the flaws in that approach are painfully evident. Namely, the author ran out of room.

But whatever; it referenced Eyeball, so it goes straight to the top of my ballot just because it made me feel validated. :3

Dying is the worst favour you could make for a cause because, above the wreckage and the sacrifices, there will inevitably be vultures smart enough to pretend to be phoenixes. They won’t hesitate to gather the martyrs’ ashes and make it fertiliser for their garden. I can’t stand it, not anymore.

I love this quote. You did a really good job on this story.

This one was a little too confusing for me in the beginning. Because of this, I kinda lost interest and couldn't continue reading. Therefore, abstain.

I'm not sure why I couldn't force myself to keep reading this, but it just didn't interest me. The writing itself was good, but as I didn't read it entirely, I will abstain.

>>The_Letter_J
As a voter, it looks like I also owe you an apology. I never said anything in the thread, but I also made the assumption that the vector was not original, and that made a dramatic difference in my scoring. And anonymity prevented you from providing the correction anyhow.

I wish I could offer a way to avoid that next time. It's not an easy problem, especially since restricting the ability of would-be artists to use existing resources is unfair to a different style of art. Preemptive labeling, maybe? As much as I hate to say it, a little inconspicuous note in the corner saying "This vector was hand-drawn" might have given you the higher ranking you deserved.

... Or putting it in the caption, maybe? I don't know if everyone would have noticed that, but at least one person would have (*raises claw*), and the people who did could have corrected others in the thread.

At any rate, congratulations for finishing it!

[b]Bold italics![/b]

If the above works, then the formatting issues were probably deliberate. If it fails, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the author was using Scrivener (possibly for the first time?) on a PC, and using the broken BBCode export function. (I've several times complained on their forums about it. It puts the tags out of order -- i b /i /b rather than i b /b /i -- and that lack of nesting breaks some BBCode parsers, apparently including the Writeoff site's.)

Otherwise, little to add to above commenters; I appreciated the humor here on the whole. More of the individual jokes landed than missed for me, and some of them (Bon Bon's use of Lyra, the first screaming portal) were great. Structurally, it felt a little meandery even though there was strong plot progression; "Bon Bon accepts her powers" isn't a great ultimate punchline, nor does it serve as a satisfying anticlimax, so it just sort of trails off. And then the last scene has no joke because there's nothing to suggest anywhere else in the story that this was Discord's fault, so there's nothing to subvert with that.

... I just realized, perhaps part of the reason it feels incomplete is that I was expecting the Rule of Three to get invoked. There are two encounters with DarkStorm, which are basically identical. That really, really wants to set up a third encounter which either resolves or subverts what you're setting up. A third DarkStorm scene could also let you properly end Bon Bon's narrative arc one way or another.

Tier: Flawed but Fun

>>The_Letter_J

I used a screenshot, but created the vectors myself. I did some searching around around Derpibooru, but I couldn't find this pose anywhere, in vectors or screenshots. If I had found a vector of it available, I probably wouldn't have bothered.

It is from the 20:13 mark of the second episode of season 1, as it cuts from Pinkie Pie crying after Luna and Celestia reunite to her saying "You know what this calls for? A PARTY!" and as it cuts back to Ponyville.

To be honest, the "low effort"/"lazy" accusations kind of hurt. I'm assuming that they were made with the assumption that all I did was download a vector someone else had made and add some crappy ashes, because I can can understand that. But I strongly object to the possible insinuation that drawing is somehow automatically superior to vectoring.

My real question is why you bothered to spend the time creating a vector of this in the first place. You clearly based it on a pose from a video. You could have simply screencapped the video, then taken that screencap and used the magic wand tool to cut out the background and be left with Pinkie Pie (or magic wanded Pinkie Pie and cut her out of the background). Vectoring is only really useful if you're planning on upscaling something; this image, as it is displayed on the site, puts Pinkie at basically an identical size to what she is in 1080p. It would have been a lot less work and you would have ended up with about the same result.

That being said, I don't think you quite got what I meant by "lazy" here. It doesn't really matter how much work goes into a piece, what matters is the outcome. And the outcome here was something that looked like a vector trace (you can tell it isn't a screenshot becuse the lines are of a different thickness than they are on the flash models) stuck on top of some ashes. It wasn't a very visually appealing piece, and it didn't really do anything particularly interesting with it - there's no transition between the pieces, it's just kind of pasted together.

And frankly, there's nothing wrong with just sticking a couple things together in a few minutes for a silly little visual joke, but it sounds like you spent a great deal of effort assembling this. If you're going to spend a lot of time doing something, it is best to make something which is more visually interesting.