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Morituri
A scream wakes me up. I barely have time to regain consciousness that a strong kick hit me in the flank, pushing me out of bed and out of sleep.
I quickly stand up and go back on the bed to reach where Lyra is, still screaming.
“No! Get off of me! Let me go!”
She is kicking around, trying to fight an imaginary enemy.
“Please, no! Let me go!”
I put my hooves on her shoulders to try to calm her down. “Lyra, it’s me BonBon! You’re safe!”
“No! Please, don’t make me do this!”
Her screams are terrifying.
“Lyra, please, calm down! I’m here! Everything’s fine.” I manage to get a good grasp on her and my inner strength pins her down. “Lyra,” I whisper. “It’s me, you’re at home. You have nothing to fear.”
Somehow, my voice reaches her mind deep in slumber. She stops fidgeting and carefully opens her eyes, as if she feared the cause of her nightmares would be waiting for her in the waking world.
“Bonnie?” Her voice is weak, her breath short.
“It’s okay Lyra,” I tell her, caressing her cheek. “I’m here.”
“Oh Bonnie!”
She throws herself on me, grabbing me in a life-saving hug. Her whole body is shaking and I try to tighten my hug.
“It’s okay,” I said. “Everything’s okay, I’m with you.”
I can almost hear the deflagration I’ve caused in the depths of her being. Slowly, she shrinks, making herself so small that I feel I could hold her entirely in my hoof.
She whines my name again and then, she bursts into tears.
I hold her as firmly as I can, waiting for the storm to end. I wish I could do more but I’m powerless. So I hold her and whisper the same things I’ve told her every other night.
“I… I’m sorry,” she says between two sobs.
“It’s okay sweetie.”
It is not but she doesn’t need to hear it right now. I’m exhausted from all these nights without sleep but she mustn’t see it. She needs me and I’m here. I softly kiss her and nuzzle her, proving her that the real world is here with her, with me.
Soon, her breath gets calmer and her tears run dry.
“Want to talk about it?” I ask.
“I-I don’t know… Maybe later.”
I hate to see her like this and I hate myself even more for not being able to help her. All my training has not prepared me to handle a broken pony. I know many ways to neutralise a threat but they have never teach me how to repair a shattered mind. But I try nonetheless.
Seeing that it’s early in the morning, I suggest we go out for walk to watch the rising sun and she passively agrees. I tell her to wait me outside; I have something to do before, something I should have done way before.
Once I’m sure I’m out of her sight, I get the metal suitcase I have hidden below a wooden floor’s board of the living room. It is still in the same perfect condition when I left it here, slightly glistening under the moonlight. I hesitate for a moment. The Agency has been dissolved years ago and I’m not supposed to contact them except for a dire emergency and I know this isn’t one.
I grab the encrypted communicator. I almost manage to sound professional.
“Agent Drops, identification number 57A-421-99. This a code green, I repeat this a code green. I request a meeting with Big Star’s satellite. I repeat, I request a meeting with Big Star’s satellite. Rendez-vous point at Night’s impact. End of transmission.”
I shutdown the device, hoping the short call hasn’t be traced. It should be fine and to be honest, I don't really care at this point. All I care about is to find a solution.
I hide back the suitcase and meet Lyra at the frontdoor. We slowly walk to the park.
As soon as we arrive, she pulls away. I follow her to the top of the hill where we used to picnic. She sits down, putting her head between her hooves and forgets herself in a moment of eternity.
I find nothing to tell her.
We stay up here, hanging between the sky and the earth, quiet, tiny, like two specks of dust. Around us Ponyville is as beautiful as ever. I look at the dark orchard which waits the Apples to bring it light and life. I see the small river gently flowing next to the town. I watch the stars turning off as the Sun, slowly but surely, creeps behind Canterlot.
Then I look to Lyra and I feel devastated.
She is an open wound, collecting all the filth around her. I put a leg I wish to be one of a surgeon on her shoulder and try to make her look up. I've never felt the urge to fly and yet I wish I could lift her right now, away from her fears, away from her anxiety, away from all of this.
"Thank you," I hear her whisper.
I don't reply. I can't because I don't deserve her thanks. Nothing I would tell could make up for failing her, for when I wasn't there to protect her.
I should have been there, I should have come to that bloody wedding. Even more, the whole team should have been there. But no, we had to let everything go, forget our mission and start a normal life.
I don't know who I blame the most, me or the princess. She told us that she had everything under control, that the Agency has lost its purpose since she had found 'something better'.
'Something better' my flank. She must have lost contact with the real world from her ivory tower. It was only by pure luck this bug queen has been stopped but it seems it's the only thing Celestia is counting on these last times.
I'm unfair. These six mares have done better these last months than what we have done for ten years.
Lost in my bitterness, I don't notice two very special ponies have arrived. It's only when one of them clear her throat that I look up.
"My little ponies," says Celestia.
Even though her voice is warm and her smile welcoming, I can see some anger in her eyes. I'm too used to her tricks to be fooled anymore but Lyra isn't.
We bow before our ruler.
"I believe you have something to tell us," she says to me.
You have no idea Your Highness.
"But for now, I think your friend needs to talk with my sister," she says tilting her head towards Lyra.
Lyra's eyes look at me, questioning what is going on and what she is supposed to do.
I give her a smile I want reassuring and soon she follows Luna. Funny how the pony we once feared the return is now probably the best answer for my friend.
I turn my head and face the almighty Celestia once they are far away. She doesn't hide her anger now. She even looks disappointed. I'm bracing for the incoming lecture but she has only one word and that makes it even worse.
"Why?"
I have sworn I was used to her presence but I was fooling myself and now I realise it. I have so many things boiled up inside, so many speeches I want to spit in her face but I'm talking to the Sun. I feel it would be like spitting against the wind. Not the cleverest idea.
"She was needing it," I can only say.
"Agent Drops, you have risked compromising the whole Agency with this call and for a selfish reason."
She hasn't raise her voice, she has merely stated a fact, but I can sense every word biting my skin.
"Selfish?"
I want to deny but I know it's true. So instead I use my anger and charge blindly ahead.
"Yes indeed, it was selfish," I say. "But I deserve to be selfish for once. I spend half of my life wandering around Equestria trying to fix your mistakes." I hear my voice is getting louder but I can't help it. "I've lost track how many times I almost die because of you! I was okay with it because I thought I was helping making Equestria a safer place. Heck, you could even resurrect the team that I would be the first to sign up again."
Celestia settles for listening and it makes me angrier.
"But now your mistake have involved the pony I care about the most! Do you have any idea what she is living every night? Do you know what it takes to lie to her not only on who I am but also why she has to go through all of this? Every night, every single night, she wakes up screaming for help! And I can't tell her she has nothing to fear because the one she fears isn't rotting in a cell! She is freely walking Equestria, scheming another coup d'etat. And all of this because friendship is supposed to save the day every time?”
She opens her mouth but I don’t let her carry on.
“Flash news, friendship can’t solve everything. I hope your prized student is aware of that fact or else she’s gonna fall from a very tall height.”
“Don’t dare tell me how I should handle my student agent Drops,” she retorts.
“Well somepony should because we saw how it has ended with the last one.” She staggers under the low blow but I’m not done yet. “What was her name? Ah yes, Sunset! The one who was supposed to fix your biggest mis-”
“Enough!”
Her word is a gunshot, tearing the fabric of my anger. Even the ground doesn’t dare to move. Her eyes pierce through my skin but I stand high, because for the very first time, she is really seeing me.
“Walk with me,” she says.
So we walk quietly through the park and no one speaks. I got it off my chest, I have nothing else to feel but a passive acceptation.
“You need to understand some things,” she finally says. “Times have changed and there isn’t any reason anymore for some ponies to put their life on the line. Something greater has awaken, greater than anything we had before.”
“Let me guess, friendship?” I groan.
“Yes and no. Friendship has always shaped Equestria and its inhabitants but it has taken a whole new meaning now that the Elements have arisen. It is up to us to follow the wind of change and believe in Harmony.”
“Believe?” I asked.
She must have sensed my disbelief. Her voice becomes smoother.
“Yes, believe. The time when Equestria needed ponies to dedicate their life to its protection has come to an end. And I’m glad that this era is over. I have witnessed too many good ponies hurting and dying for the greater good. That’s enough. Dying is the worst favour you could make for a cause because, above the wreckage and the sacrifices, there will inevitably be vultures smart enough to pretend to be phoenixes. They won’t hesitate to gather the martyrs’ ashes and make it fertiliser for their garden. I can’t stand it, not anymore.”
“Is this why you have taken so long before answering the bell?”
“Maybe. I didn’t want their abnegation to lose their meaning. I have sticked to the way I thought was the better but I was wrong. I have realised it and it is thank to you, Agent Drops.”
I look at her, dubious.
“After the Bugbear incident and the loss of Straight Jacket, I saw how eager you were to throw yourself at the chase of this monster.” She stops and I see a dark pit blowing its contents. “I have failed you, I have failed your companions and I have failed Equestria. I decided to dissolve the Agency in order to not repeat the same mistake. I had thought about doing it before and the Bugbear incident gave me the perfect pretext. I had hoped you’d be able to come back to an ordinary life but it seems all these years have left a deep mark on you.”
The light fades and her voice is a whisper.
“Will you be able to forgive me?”
“Fo-forgive… you?” It’s my turn to stagger. I want to go back to yelling at her but I feel that I need to be calm for what I have to say. I take a deep breath and keep my head low. “No, I won’t. I can’t forgive you.” I raise my head and face the Sun. “Forgiving you would mean to spit on the time I’ve spent serving Equestria. Forgiving you would mean to forget what Straight Jacket has done for us.” My breath gets shorter. “Forgiving you would mean to disown what I believed in. You may be ready to accept it but I’m not and I will never be. I can’t.”
“And what can I do?”
“Nothing else. It’s up to your sister now.”
The Sun has sung, the curtain falls but there is no crowd for cheers, only me and my painful stubbornness leaving the scene. But the fat lady wants to do an encore.
“You know, even if you don’t believe in Harmony, I think it is no coincidence you chose to live in Ponyville. Just go talk to my student when you’ll be ready.”
I don’t even turn around to nod because, despite everything, I know she is right. I’m on the way to meet up with the reason why she is right.
I find Lyra at the top of the same hill, her back facing me. Her shoulders are low but her head is high. She is gazing at the other Sun, the one that has never failed.
“Are you okay?” I whisper, putting a hoof on her shoulder.
She turns her head and I see a star reborn. “I-I think… Yes…”
I put a small kiss on her nuzzle and her smile send me into orbit.
I can’t help my voice from shaking. “Let’s go home.”
Pics
The radio communicator and
For the gunshot, you could work it with something that gives you the same feel, whether it hits you on the sound (glass breaking, crystal shattering) or the feeling (stabbed with cold steel, a knife sliding in-between your ribs). Find something that you like, and that works for you.
The plot was pretty interesting, but it wraps up rather quickly. As you wrote, Lyra is a broken mare. but she appears to recover rather quickly.
I was confused by this portion:
As Sweetie Drops was preciously written, she appeared to be scornful towards harmony instead of disbelieving, because of how she'd been replaced and relegated to the trash heap.
Her word is a gunshotpulled me out of this story. Without being told the specifics of this world, I'm assuming your bog-standard MLP world. Crystal communicator would work, because it's something that you can handwave with Oh, those zany Crystal Ponies with their zany crystal super-computers! Or if you're working Pre-Crystal Empire, something that's enchanted works well.
For the gunshot, you could work it with something that gives you the same feel, whether it hits you on the sound (glass breaking, crystal shattering) or the feeling (stabbed with cold steel, a knife sliding in-between your ribs). Find something that you like, and that works for you.
The plot was pretty interesting, but it wraps up rather quickly. As you wrote, Lyra is a broken mare. but she appears to recover rather quickly.
I was confused by this portion:
She must have sensed my disbelief.
As Sweetie Drops was preciously written, she appeared to be scornful towards harmony instead of disbelieving, because of how she'd been replaced and relegated to the trash heap.
I’m impressed. Snappy pacing, interesting story and a face-off against a very much imperfect Celestia? Well, I do enjoy seeing Celestia with her mask down. And a little bit of exploration about “The Agency?” That’s good times, even if it’s dealing with Lyra’s incident during the wedding.
Celestia’s character bugs me a bit. I don’t have any problem with BonBon snapping at her (and bringing up Sunset as the thing that finally forces Celestia to cut her off was magnificent). I don’t even mind her explanation. I mind how she goes from apparent anger to asking for forgiveness. It was too abrupt, unless Celestia was hiding things all too well, and BonBon gave the impression that she could see through it. Her dialogue also… well, it didn’t sound like Celestia, but that’s something that can be done in a polish.
Before a final version, I’d say you need to spend some time with Luna and Lyra. Perhaps a shared dream experience for all of them, where Lyra actually overcomes her nightmares (after all, Luna does tell Scootaloo something about facing fears or the nightmares will continue…) and I could see her created a shared dreamscape for the two of them.
I admit I have a fondness for stories that connect the hidden pieces together. Lyra as mind-controlled, The Agency, the Bugbear, the Elements, all linked together? That kind of thing is one of my favorite types of stories. Because, let’s be honest, there’s plenty in MLP that doesn’t make sense in continuity. I’m a big fan of continuity and you definitely handled it well.
Celestia’s character bugs me a bit. I don’t have any problem with BonBon snapping at her (and bringing up Sunset as the thing that finally forces Celestia to cut her off was magnificent). I don’t even mind her explanation. I mind how she goes from apparent anger to asking for forgiveness. It was too abrupt, unless Celestia was hiding things all too well, and BonBon gave the impression that she could see through it. Her dialogue also… well, it didn’t sound like Celestia, but that’s something that can be done in a polish.
Before a final version, I’d say you need to spend some time with Luna and Lyra. Perhaps a shared dream experience for all of them, where Lyra actually overcomes her nightmares (after all, Luna does tell Scootaloo something about facing fears or the nightmares will continue…) and I could see her created a shared dreamscape for the two of them.
I admit I have a fondness for stories that connect the hidden pieces together. Lyra as mind-controlled, The Agency, the Bugbear, the Elements, all linked together? That kind of thing is one of my favorite types of stories. Because, let’s be honest, there’s plenty in MLP that doesn’t make sense in continuity. I’m a big fan of continuity and you definitely handled it well.
That was intense, a very close POV surely helps to settle these kinds of story. The fast pace also helps strengthen the character's emotions.
You have strong metaphors but some of them felt a bit clumsy, especially this one.
That was a bit jarring, especially since it's Celestia speaking.
Aside from that, I'll agree with what >>Novel_Idea said about adding a scene with Luna and Lyra. It might helps to not have Lyra strangely recover quickly from her nightmares.
>>bloons3
I don't see where it is said it's a radio communicator, it can be an enchanted crystal device or whatever. However, I agree about the gunshot, it's not something we should find in Equestria. Maybe a party cannon?
Still torn between ranking it top contender (despite the flaws) or top mid tier.
You have strong metaphors but some of them felt a bit clumsy, especially this one.
Dying is the worst favour you could make for a cause because, above the wreckage and the sacrifices, there will inevitably be vultures smart enough to pretend to be phoenixes. They won’t hesitate to gather the martyrs’ ashes and make it fertiliser for their garden.
That was a bit jarring, especially since it's Celestia speaking.
Aside from that, I'll agree with what >>Novel_Idea said about adding a scene with Luna and Lyra. It might helps to not have Lyra strangely recover quickly from her nightmares.
>>bloons3
I don't see where it is said it's a radio communicator, it can be an enchanted crystal device or whatever. However, I agree about the gunshot, it's not something we should find in Equestria. Maybe a party cannon?
Still torn between ranking it top contender (despite the flaws) or top mid tier.
I think at its core, there is an interesting story here. There’s some flavourful conflict between Bon Bon and Celestia, and I find the motivations meaningful and interesting. Certainly, other people have enjoyed this one. Personally, I didn’t find this all that appealing.
One reason is that the second scene is pretty much a backstory dump. It’s Bon Bon explaining why she’s angry at Celestia, and Celestia explaining why she did what she did to Bon Bon. The real story, here, is all in the past relative to this story. I think I would’ve been interested in seeing more of that story firsthand. Now, maybe one solution is to tell that story outright, telling some key events as they happened. Another solution might be feed the backstory more slowly and gradually to the reader. Perhaps extend the plot out to include more time for the reader to digest the sizeable amount of information conveyed here. Otherwise, this feels to me like melodrama, especially from how quickly Celestia goes from being angry to being sorry, how quickly Lyra recovers, and how dramatic Bon Bon seems to be acting, at least to me.
Some phrasings here bothered me enough to distract me from the story. For instance:
She grasps Lyra, but it’s her outer strength that actually holds her down, right? Inner strength is like emotional strength.
I think this is awkwardly phrased. I also don’t understand it. Why would she want her leg to be a surgeon’s?
Lyra grabs Bon Bon in a “life-saving hug”, but that hug isn’t saving Bon Bon’s life. If anything, Bon Bon saved Lyra, not the other way around.
I think the phrase is “news flash”.
There were also several typos [proving (to) her that the real world is here with her], [I shut_down the device], [I give her a smile [u]I want reassuring[/u] (?) and soon she follows Luna.], etc.
There are also a few places where commas would’ve made some sentences clearer. For instance:
This sentence would be clearer like this, I think:
So yeah, perhaps with some extending of this story and some editing, I think this could be a fascinating drama :>
One reason is that the second scene is pretty much a backstory dump. It’s Bon Bon explaining why she’s angry at Celestia, and Celestia explaining why she did what she did to Bon Bon. The real story, here, is all in the past relative to this story. I think I would’ve been interested in seeing more of that story firsthand. Now, maybe one solution is to tell that story outright, telling some key events as they happened. Another solution might be feed the backstory more slowly and gradually to the reader. Perhaps extend the plot out to include more time for the reader to digest the sizeable amount of information conveyed here. Otherwise, this feels to me like melodrama, especially from how quickly Celestia goes from being angry to being sorry, how quickly Lyra recovers, and how dramatic Bon Bon seems to be acting, at least to me.
Some phrasings here bothered me enough to distract me from the story. For instance:
I manage to get a good grasp on her and my inner strength pins her down.
She grasps Lyra, but it’s her outer strength that actually holds her down, right? Inner strength is like emotional strength.
I put a leg I wish to be one of a surgeon on her shoulder
I think this is awkwardly phrased. I also don’t understand it. Why would she want her leg to be a surgeon’s?
She throws herself on me, grabbing me in a life-saving hug.
Lyra grabs Bon Bon in a “life-saving hug”, but that hug isn’t saving Bon Bon’s life. If anything, Bon Bon saved Lyra, not the other way around.
“Flash news, friendship can’t solve everything.
I think the phrase is “news flash”.
There were also several typos [proving (to) her that the real world is here with her], [I shut_down the device], [I give her a smile [u]I want reassuring[/u] (?) and soon she follows Luna.], etc.
There are also a few places where commas would’ve made some sentences clearer. For instance:
Do you know what it takes to lie to her not only on who I am but also why she has to go through all of this?
This sentence would be clearer like this, I think:
Do you know what it takes to lie to her, not only on who I am, but also why she has to go through all of this?
So yeah, perhaps with some extending of this story and some editing, I think this could be a fascinating drama :>
I'm obliged to >>FrontSevens for the run-down of the unusual phrasing and malapropisms that permeate this story. 'Cuz it means that I don't have to. :V
I really do enjoy stories that examine threads which the show brings up, but doesn't really deal with. As an entry in that little sub-genre, this has potential. I like the way that the relationship between Lyra and Bon Bon is portrayed; it feels like an echo of the relationship between Tavi and Vinyl in Ars Vivaldi, My Meaty Maury, and synergizes well with it, IMO. In a way, it's another Orpheus and Eurydice, albeit one with slightly lower stakes.
And one imagines that Bon Bon won't start dying constantly after calling in a favor from Celestia, unless Celly's feeling more vindictive than her characterization lets on.
Regarding Celestia, if she's as overcome with guilt as her comments at the end suggest, then maybe starting out her scene with her leaping down Bon Bon's throat isn't the best idea. It seems like that was written only to give Bon an excuse to get angry, and as such, the anger and selfishness that Celestia displays gels poorly with the empathy she shows at the end. Perhaps her comment could be more innocuous, while still being enough to trigger Bon Bon's outrage.
I'd also suggest that Straightjacket, and the circumstances regarding the agency's dissolution, be brought up earlier in Bon Bon's inner monologue. Not explained, per se; don't spell it out for the reader, but allude to it. As is, the name caught me off guard when Bon Bon first brought it up, and left me wondering if I'd missed something.
I really do enjoy stories that examine threads which the show brings up, but doesn't really deal with. As an entry in that little sub-genre, this has potential. I like the way that the relationship between Lyra and Bon Bon is portrayed; it feels like an echo of the relationship between Tavi and Vinyl in Ars Vivaldi, My Meaty Maury, and synergizes well with it, IMO. In a way, it's another Orpheus and Eurydice, albeit one with slightly lower stakes.
And one imagines that Bon Bon won't start dying constantly after calling in a favor from Celestia, unless Celly's feeling more vindictive than her characterization lets on.
Regarding Celestia, if she's as overcome with guilt as her comments at the end suggest, then maybe starting out her scene with her leaping down Bon Bon's throat isn't the best idea. It seems like that was written only to give Bon an excuse to get angry, and as such, the anger and selfishness that Celestia displays gels poorly with the empathy she shows at the end. Perhaps her comment could be more innocuous, while still being enough to trigger Bon Bon's outrage.
I'd also suggest that Straightjacket, and the circumstances regarding the agency's dissolution, be brought up earlier in Bon Bon's inner monologue. Not explained, per se; don't spell it out for the reader, but allude to it. As is, the name caught me off guard when Bon Bon first brought it up, and left me wondering if I'd missed something.
I feel bad to mostly repeat a review I just did, but honestly Glamour and Vanity and this fic are pretty similar in what works and what doesn't. Reference >>FrontSevens here for a little advice on the type of editorial cleanup that would help this fic really shine. The core idea is solid, it just needs better technicals to really deliver.
This is pretty unpolished, but other than that, I feel as though the off-screen development of Lyra's problem, whose mental health and Celestia's responsibility for its poor state seemed to be one of the main sources of conflict, was just cheating. The 'meat of the story' was pretty much backstory exploration, and I fear these exercises always failed to engage me.
The first person narration was handled pretty well, but especially twoards the end of the dialogue, it could use some more I think. Felt as though the inner monologue that first person narration usually represents just got too quite, dwindling to little more than dialogue attributions.
The first person narration was handled pretty well, but especially twoards the end of the dialogue, it could use some more I think. Felt as though the inner monologue that first person narration usually represents just got too quite, dwindling to little more than dialogue attributions.
This definitely has a well-chosen core idea and solid framing — the emotional fallout of Equestria transitioning from combative defense to friendship defense, and the strain that creates on the princesses, agents, and normal ponies alike. There's a lot of juicy conflict there, and to its credit, this story zooms right in on the juiciest bits.
Unfortunately, the execution is far rougher than the structure. My reading rhythm keeps getting thrown by the odd turns of phrase that >>FrontSevens mentions. ("below a wooden floor's board of the living room": Board is VERY rarely used for any material besides wood, and "below" already implies it's part of the floor, so "a wooden floor's" is redundant. Also, "of" implies ownership or group membership, not placement: you want "in".)
This is nitpicky but: "Code green" also threw me. Typically, green is associated with things being good or normal (e.g. green stoplights mean go).
Author, this is about 900 words into your 2400-word story. A third of the way through. Up until then, everything is simply descriptions of Bon Bon attempting to console Lyra, or otherwise finding a way to deal with it. This sentence is (aside from a cryptic reference to Lyra being broken) the first time that we have any context for Lyra's pain.
I would strongly suggest establishing what happened to Lyra much earlier — that allows the reader to process how much Lyra's experiences have harmed her, rather than spending the time wondering what happened. Right now, it feels like there's not really any emotional impact to all of the weeping and screaming. We see Bon Bon trying to fix it, but it's not until much later that we see her guilt — or even know that she has a reason to blame herself (much less why)!
I'm also with >>Novel_Idea on Celestia's sudden emotional turnaround being problematic. Mostly because that isn't how people's emotions work, but also because this is Celestia we're talking about. It's a big statement to show her being angry about something, all the more so since you're doubling down on her Equestria literally trusting in friendship to solve its problems. That's not a thing that beings who easily get angry do.
It might help to do two separate edit passes here. The first pass, work on connecting the reader more with the emotions you're trying to bring out — get them invested in Bonnie's guilt at the beginning, and make Celestia's motives at the end clearer and more consistent. Then, take a second (and quicker) pass with the help of an editor, going word by word and ironing out all the little linguistic issues. The work for that might be substantial, but you've fundamentally got the right approach here, and this has a lot of potential for editing to bring out.
Tier: Needs Work
Unfortunately, the execution is far rougher than the structure. My reading rhythm keeps getting thrown by the odd turns of phrase that >>FrontSevens mentions. ("below a wooden floor's board of the living room": Board is VERY rarely used for any material besides wood, and "below" already implies it's part of the floor, so "a wooden floor's" is redundant. Also, "of" implies ownership or group membership, not placement: you want "in".)
This is nitpicky but: "Code green" also threw me. Typically, green is associated with things being good or normal (e.g. green stoplights mean go).
I should have been there, I should have come to that bloody wedding.
Author, this is about 900 words into your 2400-word story. A third of the way through. Up until then, everything is simply descriptions of Bon Bon attempting to console Lyra, or otherwise finding a way to deal with it. This sentence is (aside from a cryptic reference to Lyra being broken) the first time that we have any context for Lyra's pain.
I would strongly suggest establishing what happened to Lyra much earlier — that allows the reader to process how much Lyra's experiences have harmed her, rather than spending the time wondering what happened. Right now, it feels like there's not really any emotional impact to all of the weeping and screaming. We see Bon Bon trying to fix it, but it's not until much later that we see her guilt — or even know that she has a reason to blame herself (much less why)!
I'm also with >>Novel_Idea on Celestia's sudden emotional turnaround being problematic. Mostly because that isn't how people's emotions work, but also because this is Celestia we're talking about. It's a big statement to show her being angry about something, all the more so since you're doubling down on her Equestria literally trusting in friendship to solve its problems. That's not a thing that beings who easily get angry do.
It might help to do two separate edit passes here. The first pass, work on connecting the reader more with the emotions you're trying to bring out — get them invested in Bonnie's guilt at the beginning, and make Celestia's motives at the end clearer and more consistent. Then, take a second (and quicker) pass with the help of an editor, going word by word and ironing out all the little linguistic issues. The work for that might be substantial, but you've fundamentally got the right approach here, and this has a lot of potential for editing to bring out.
Tier: Needs Work
Dying is the worst favour you could make for a cause because, above the wreckage and the sacrifices, there will inevitably be vultures smart enough to pretend to be phoenixes. They won’t hesitate to gather the martyrs’ ashes and make it fertiliser for their garden. I can’t stand it, not anymore.
I love this quote. You did a really good job on this story.
>>bloons3
>>Novel_Idea
>>FrontSevens
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>AndrewRogue
>>wYvern
>>horizon
>>Chinchillax
Here goes the recap. First, thank you for your comments. I must say that I rushed this one a bit because I wanted to do another entry. I didn't have time to finish it and instead, I should have focus on this one.
Anyway, I won't reply to every comment made, because several are the same and thus I'll address them now.
The main criticism is the lack of backstory and the infodump on the second part. To explain that, I had only the idea of the nightmare at first. I wrote it but as you can guess, it was far from matching the wordcount. Moreover, I needed to resolve Lyra's nightmares and, because I couldn't launch myself into writting session therapy or whatever, Luna was the perfect Deus Ex Machina.
But then, I felt like it would be weak and poor if she just showed up at Lyra and BonBon's house "Hello, I'm here to resolve the plot". So the idea of the Agency and Celestia came to my mind as a way to subtly bring her and, as I was writting it, this idea took a more important place in the story.
>>bloons3
I've already addressed your point about the radio communicator but for the 'gunshot', I must admit that I haven't think for a second that guns weren't very common in Equestria. So that's something I'll probably rewrite.
>>Novel_Idea
>>Posh
>>horizon
Let's talk about Celestia switching from anger to asking for forgiveness.
Anger might not have been the best word here. She wasn't supposed to be very angry, just angry and asking for explanation about why BonBon has contacted her, risking to reveal the existence of the Agency to Lyra and to get caught by their 'ennemies'.
Celestia's emotions should have been like this. She's angry because BonBon has taken a risk but because she's Celestia, she asks why and makes one rough comment. She wanted to lecture BonBon but she can't because BonBon yells at her, telling her all about her frustration, her anger, her disappointment etc... So Celestia understands BonBon's feeling and it makes her past failure more painful. She tries to explain her choice and asks for forgiveness, even if she would do the same knowing what it would cost. And she doesn't overcome her guilt, like she didn't overcome the fact she was the one who had banished her own sister. It's something she lives with.
Maybe it wasn't enough clear the way I wrote it, I'll keep that in mind when I'll rework on it.
Anyway, let's talk about one more thing or two.
>>FrontSevens
Awkwardly phrased, certainly. If BonBon wants her leg to be a surgeon's, it's because Lyra is an open-wound. Thus, by showing tenderness, she hopes to stitch the wound.
>>horizon
I don't really know how people's emotions work but do you? :p Moreover, Celestia is at least one thousand years old and she is immortal. I surely don't know how someone immortal thinks and feels.
Jokes aside, it seems that I failed to convey how Celestia reacted to all of this but since I wrote it in first person, it was hard to do it without breaking some basic rules of narration. I'll think about it when reworking the fic.
I reread my recap and I can see that it's not very organized. I'm sorry about that but I'll stop here before rambling for ten more pages.
I thank all of you again. I'm glad you enjoyed the idea behind the story and I'll make sure to execute it better than here.
For any question or reclamation, you can find me on the Discord Chat.
See you on Discord or on the next round,
Take care of yourself and your folks.
>>Novel_Idea
>>FrontSevens
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>AndrewRogue
>>wYvern
>>horizon
>>Chinchillax
Here goes the recap. First, thank you for your comments. I must say that I rushed this one a bit because I wanted to do another entry. I didn't have time to finish it and instead, I should have focus on this one.
Anyway, I won't reply to every comment made, because several are the same and thus I'll address them now.
The main criticism is the lack of backstory and the infodump on the second part. To explain that, I had only the idea of the nightmare at first. I wrote it but as you can guess, it was far from matching the wordcount. Moreover, I needed to resolve Lyra's nightmares and, because I couldn't launch myself into writting session therapy or whatever, Luna was the perfect Deus Ex Machina.
But then, I felt like it would be weak and poor if she just showed up at Lyra and BonBon's house "Hello, I'm here to resolve the plot". So the idea of the Agency and Celestia came to my mind as a way to subtly bring her and, as I was writting it, this idea took a more important place in the story.
>>bloons3
I've already addressed your point about the radio communicator but for the 'gunshot', I must admit that I haven't think for a second that guns weren't very common in Equestria. So that's something I'll probably rewrite.
>>Novel_Idea
>>Posh
>>horizon
Let's talk about Celestia switching from anger to asking for forgiveness.
Anger might not have been the best word here. She wasn't supposed to be very angry, just angry and asking for explanation about why BonBon has contacted her, risking to reveal the existence of the Agency to Lyra and to get caught by their 'ennemies'.
Celestia's emotions should have been like this. She's angry because BonBon has taken a risk but because she's Celestia, she asks why and makes one rough comment. She wanted to lecture BonBon but she can't because BonBon yells at her, telling her all about her frustration, her anger, her disappointment etc... So Celestia understands BonBon's feeling and it makes her past failure more painful. She tries to explain her choice and asks for forgiveness, even if she would do the same knowing what it would cost. And she doesn't overcome her guilt, like she didn't overcome the fact she was the one who had banished her own sister. It's something she lives with.
Maybe it wasn't enough clear the way I wrote it, I'll keep that in mind when I'll rework on it.
Anyway, let's talk about one more thing or two.
>>FrontSevens
I put a leg I wish to be one of a surgeon on her shoulder
I think this is awkwardly phrased. I also don’t understand it. Why would she want her leg to be a surgeon’s?
Awkwardly phrased, certainly. If BonBon wants her leg to be a surgeon's, it's because Lyra is an open-wound. Thus, by showing tenderness, she hopes to stitch the wound.
>>horizon
Mostly because that isn't how people's emotions work
I don't really know how people's emotions work but do you? :p Moreover, Celestia is at least one thousand years old and she is immortal. I surely don't know how someone immortal thinks and feels.
Jokes aside, it seems that I failed to convey how Celestia reacted to all of this but since I wrote it in first person, it was hard to do it without breaking some basic rules of narration. I'll think about it when reworking the fic.
I reread my recap and I can see that it's not very organized. I'm sorry about that but I'll stop here before rambling for ten more pages.
I thank all of you again. I'm glad you enjoyed the idea behind the story and I'll make sure to execute it better than here.
For any question or reclamation, you can find me on the Discord Chat.
See you on Discord or on the next round,
Take care of yourself and your folks.