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I get that early Trixie was a feckless showpony, but I have a hard time imagining her putting on a show, even then, that would blind and maim members of the audience. Maiming does not a popular pony make. This being post-To Where and Back Again makes her poor choice in choreography all the more strange.
I also have kind of a hard time buying that she got the chance to give a classroom talk and put on a second show after the mess she caused. Destruction of property and injuring the elderly usually get you a night in a cell, not an encore. The mayor even explicitly states that the town is largely an aged, vulnerable populace. She's being needlessly reckless letting Trixie perform again instead of just accepting her apology and letting her move on.
On the positive side of things, there's a subtle display of Sparkleberry's family dynamic revealed toward the middle.
From this I gather her parents are the wandering, adventurous type. It neatly explains 'Berry's enthusiasm for the danger and novelty of Trixie's show.
It was a nice idea using local kids in the show to help smooth over tensions. The kids sounded a bit like they were trying to ape old English without really knowing how, though. I blame Starlight.
I also have kind of a hard time buying that she got the chance to give a classroom talk and put on a second show after the mess she caused. Destruction of property and injuring the elderly usually get you a night in a cell, not an encore. The mayor even explicitly states that the town is largely an aged, vulnerable populace. She's being needlessly reckless letting Trixie perform again instead of just accepting her apology and letting her move on.
On the positive side of things, there's a subtle display of Sparkleberry's family dynamic revealed toward the middle.
My grandparents are always hearing about stories like that from my mom and dad [...]
From this I gather her parents are the wandering, adventurous type. It neatly explains 'Berry's enthusiasm for the danger and novelty of Trixie's show.
It was a nice idea using local kids in the show to help smooth over tensions. The kids sounded a bit like they were trying to ape old English without really knowing how, though. I blame Starlight.
That's a nice fluff story we have here. I wasn't really deeply engaged but enough to be worry at the ending.
Aside from all the points that were already raised and with which I agree for the most part, I find the beginning too telly, mainly the parts about Spike being older and Rainbow Dash being really old. I understand that you probably wanted to go directly to the core of your story and I wasn't really annoyed by this but I think it could be improved a bit.
>>Posh
>>shinygiratinaz
I should be mad at you too but I've laughed way too hard for that.
Aside from all the points that were already raised and with which I agree for the most part, I find the beginning too telly, mainly the parts about Spike being older and Rainbow Dash being really old. I understand that you probably wanted to go directly to the core of your story and I wasn't really annoyed by this but I think it could be improved a bit.
>>Posh
>>shinygiratinaz
I should be mad at you too but I've laughed way too hard for that.
Took me a bit to plow through until we got the two halves properly named, if only because their temporary monikers were an eyeful.
In brief: I thought this was brilliant and fun to follow through to the end.
In long: The split-mind deal struck me as more dramatic Inside Out/Ageless sort of thing, and then I remembered this video talking about split-brain patients. This makes your title quite clever, since both sides are Twilight Sparkle, but she is now Twilight, and Sparkle.
The dropped articles and hyphenated wording made me read most of the internal bits in an almost robotic version of Twilight's voice. Maybe "baby android Twilight" is the better descriptor for my internal narration. The probing and back-and-forth between the two halves about their shared body is great. Discovering they can agree on a macro-action without managing the micro bits is an important discovery to include, and makes Twilight's automatic smile an all the more interesting mystery in the scheme of things. Perhaps there's a third, hidden voice yet to reveal itself?
Hopefully Celestia and Luna will have answers. If not, at least sheis a has pancakes.
In brief: I thought this was brilliant and fun to follow through to the end.
In long: The split-mind deal struck me as more dramatic Inside Out/Ageless sort of thing, and then I remembered this video talking about split-brain patients. This makes your title quite clever, since both sides are Twilight Sparkle, but she is now Twilight, and Sparkle.
The dropped articles and hyphenated wording made me read most of the internal bits in an almost robotic version of Twilight's voice. Maybe "baby android Twilight" is the better descriptor for my internal narration. The probing and back-and-forth between the two halves about their shared body is great. Discovering they can agree on a macro-action without managing the micro bits is an important discovery to include, and makes Twilight's automatic smile an all the more interesting mystery in the scheme of things. Perhaps there's a third, hidden voice yet to reveal itself?
Hopefully Celestia and Luna will have answers. If not, at least she
The core of the story is very cute and fun. A last wish for a best friend. Even the success at the last moment to actually make me concerned that it was going to have a tragic ending (these Writeoffs make me expect the worst for some reason).
I also really enjoyed how Dash is trying to convey an instinctual thing to the overly analytical Twilight. It's a perfect combination of the two characters, something we've seen done before and it's usually very successful. In the end, it had to come down to trust. Actions, not words.
That being said, the presentation needs some serious work. There are far too many places where you are telling, not showing. Setting the initial scene was a major hangup here, as you've got a few paragraphs that have one sentence of action and then another three-four of exposition. And yet, there were places where there needed to be more exposition. Using the term "First Circle" multiple times makes me think that there's a second circle. Why not show them? Why not have one or two of them show up during the opening? It would be a more effective way to demonstrate the passing of time without stopping the story to go "Okay, so here's what went down."
I really thought the "Oh, the problem is actually what's keeping you safe!" was going to be a terrible setup to an accident. I'm very glad I was wrong about that.
The other thing was... I didn't get a sense of age from Dash. These feels very much like Season 1-2 Rainbow Dash as opposed to the more mature (usually) one we see in later seasons. If this Dash had taught at the Academy, gone through everything they'd gone through... I just felt she should have sounded different. It's really hard to pin down for me and I think that's a real delicate balance to get. So I may just be being nitpicky.
There's also a few large paragraphs that need to be broken down. Mainly in places that should be action scenes. White space is an important narrative tool, as it tends to allow the reader to move quicker through the text instead of making it feel like a slog. By breaking them up, you'll help the reader get the drive and speed you need in this story.
The core of a great and fun story is here. You just need to polish it up and sand off some rough edges!
Oh and by the way, even after the ending, I still wasn't sure if we had the happy/sad ending or just a happy ending. Jerk. Playing it out like that. (As if you could do it any other way. Still! :P )
I also really enjoyed how Dash is trying to convey an instinctual thing to the overly analytical Twilight. It's a perfect combination of the two characters, something we've seen done before and it's usually very successful. In the end, it had to come down to trust. Actions, not words.
That being said, the presentation needs some serious work. There are far too many places where you are telling, not showing. Setting the initial scene was a major hangup here, as you've got a few paragraphs that have one sentence of action and then another three-four of exposition. And yet, there were places where there needed to be more exposition. Using the term "First Circle" multiple times makes me think that there's a second circle. Why not show them? Why not have one or two of them show up during the opening? It would be a more effective way to demonstrate the passing of time without stopping the story to go "Okay, so here's what went down."
I really thought the "Oh, the problem is actually what's keeping you safe!" was going to be a terrible setup to an accident. I'm very glad I was wrong about that.
The other thing was... I didn't get a sense of age from Dash. These feels very much like Season 1-2 Rainbow Dash as opposed to the more mature (usually) one we see in later seasons. If this Dash had taught at the Academy, gone through everything they'd gone through... I just felt she should have sounded different. It's really hard to pin down for me and I think that's a real delicate balance to get. So I may just be being nitpicky.
There's also a few large paragraphs that need to be broken down. Mainly in places that should be action scenes. White space is an important narrative tool, as it tends to allow the reader to move quicker through the text instead of making it feel like a slog. By breaking them up, you'll help the reader get the drive and speed you need in this story.
The core of a great and fun story is here. You just need to polish it up and sand off some rough edges!
Oh and by the way, even after the ending, I still wasn't sure if we had the happy/sad ending or just a happy ending. Jerk. Playing it out like that. (As if you could do it any other way. Still! :P )
Well, my expectations were subverted twice while reading this, so congratulations on that. Right around the flour bag incident I started to suspect what was up. My first thought was "oh, Groundhog's Day, got it." Next was, "the mare in black fled across the desert, and the party-slinger followed." Man, do I love being wrong sometimes.
Also, Pinkie's comment about the rhythm method is hilarious and I wish I knew what Mrs. Cake had to say about it. Took me re-reading the beginning section to catch what she meant, since it's kind of a one-off line, but it works.
I sort of agree with Horizon about the final section running a bit long, but I enjoyed reading it so much it's hard to formalize the complaint. I'd read a story dedicated to/in the last scene in a heartbeat. Very strong piece.
Also, Pinkie's comment about the rhythm method is hilarious and I wish I knew what Mrs. Cake had to say about it. Took me re-reading the beginning section to catch what she meant, since it's kind of a one-off line, but it works.
I sort of agree with Horizon about the final section running a bit long, but I enjoyed reading it so much it's hard to formalize the complaint. I'd read a story dedicated to/in the last scene in a heartbeat. Very strong piece.
This fic reminds me very well of the entire series of Planet of the Apes, which was undoubtedly the real inspirator behind this story.
Between the two films, Planet of the Apes (1968) and Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011), a very distinct tonal shift was seen between the two films. In the 1968 film, the story focused well around the events and troubles that the humans, the minorities, were engaged in. They were the ones being suppressed, the ones facing the hardship, and because of it, we as the audience encourage the lonely humans to break free from their ape captors and find some kind of safety within the barely habitable planet that was.
However, with the reboot, the directors and writers didn't understand this very distinct tone throughout the film. In the 2011 film, the chimps are the minorities, but the huge difference is that their supression isn't show. They're different, yes, which is what allows people to see them as different, but that to the audience isn't a valid enough reason for them to support the apes to rise. In the film, the apes are still seen as the supressors, the ones who want to destroy human civilization through violence and death because they seem it as unfit from their selfish view of how the world should be possessed. The reboot ran with the bad guys and gut punched anyone who thought that they were in fact the worst faction to join. Justice, wisdom, and reason lost to what was hate. This is why, at least, my friends and I hate the reboot while adore the 1968 film.
But when I look back at this fic, there isn't either. There's nothing to root for, there's nothing to put your motivation behind other than the fact that it's exploration for the pure reason of exploration. Sure, you can say that the moral of the story could be "don't screw with things that you shouldn't", but that's a pretty lackluster and uninteresting moral to soely stage your entire story on. The reason why I went so indepth with studying these two films is because they show how a story like this could be done well, or at least better. Sure, expecting a Writeoff short story to be on par with a movie with millions of dollars in budget put behind it sure is a high demand, but it doesn't remove the fact that both of the movies do more justice onto the story than this fic, where someone's just "screwed in the head just because". Also, a lot of stories I read on Writeoff do, in fact, have better plots than some movies I've watched.
The story could be reformatted to give the reader more of a reason to push forward with what the story has to say, but overall with what's given now, it's enough for me to move at least to the middle of the road from the beginning. Sure, there are plenty of routes for the story to have taken to develop more interest and immersion, but this is just one of them.
Between the two films, Planet of the Apes (1968) and Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011), a very distinct tonal shift was seen between the two films. In the 1968 film, the story focused well around the events and troubles that the humans, the minorities, were engaged in. They were the ones being suppressed, the ones facing the hardship, and because of it, we as the audience encourage the lonely humans to break free from their ape captors and find some kind of safety within the barely habitable planet that was.
However, with the reboot, the directors and writers didn't understand this very distinct tone throughout the film. In the 2011 film, the chimps are the minorities, but the huge difference is that their supression isn't show. They're different, yes, which is what allows people to see them as different, but that to the audience isn't a valid enough reason for them to support the apes to rise. In the film, the apes are still seen as the supressors, the ones who want to destroy human civilization through violence and death because they seem it as unfit from their selfish view of how the world should be possessed. The reboot ran with the bad guys and gut punched anyone who thought that they were in fact the worst faction to join. Justice, wisdom, and reason lost to what was hate. This is why, at least, my friends and I hate the reboot while adore the 1968 film.
But when I look back at this fic, there isn't either. There's nothing to root for, there's nothing to put your motivation behind other than the fact that it's exploration for the pure reason of exploration. Sure, you can say that the moral of the story could be "don't screw with things that you shouldn't", but that's a pretty lackluster and uninteresting moral to soely stage your entire story on. The reason why I went so indepth with studying these two films is because they show how a story like this could be done well, or at least better. Sure, expecting a Writeoff short story to be on par with a movie with millions of dollars in budget put behind it sure is a high demand, but it doesn't remove the fact that both of the movies do more justice onto the story than this fic, where someone's just "screwed in the head just because". Also, a lot of stories I read on Writeoff do, in fact, have better plots than some movies I've watched.
The story could be reformatted to give the reader more of a reason to push forward with what the story has to say, but overall with what's given now, it's enough for me to move at least to the middle of the road from the beginning. Sure, there are plenty of routes for the story to have taken to develop more interest and immersion, but this is just one of them.
Just a reminder, in case anyone is still reading the general discussion thread and not just checking for red bells: My little art challenge expires tomorrow morning when the art entrants are revealed, and I have only one guesser so far. If you'd like a chance to win a free sketch from me, now is the time!
A quality entry in the round, I'd say. Daring Do risking life in Tartarus to solve a mystery, some hype world building, crazy scientists doin' crazy things. I really dig the implication that magic is (roughly) metabolized nuclear energy. The split structure was a good choice. I saw the big connection coming (it's kind of impossible not to), but I didn't see the mad science coming.
I'm curious to see Celestia and Luna's growth arc after the incident.
>>Kritten
I wouldn't say there's no reason to root for the ponies. They may be primitive, but they seem to recognize that they've been toyed with and presumably aren't happy about it. Also, for all they know, the reactor meltdown was a (botched) attempt to kill them. It seemed to vaporize everything else quite well. Obviously, modern ponies would try to talk out the issues, but we're dealing with Neander-equines, by the feel of it.
I'm curious to see Celestia and Luna's growth arc after the incident.
>>Kritten
I wouldn't say there's no reason to root for the ponies. They may be primitive, but they seem to recognize that they've been toyed with and presumably aren't happy about it. Also, for all they know, the reactor meltdown was a (botched) attempt to kill them. It seemed to vaporize everything else quite well. Obviously, modern ponies would try to talk out the issues, but we're dealing with Neander-equines, by the feel of it.
>>Rao
Them figuring out that they were toyed with when it came to their genes is a what-if scenario. Which isn't in the story since they aren't capable of voicing their distaste with the perspective being from a human. Same with the "attempt" to kill them via your assumed botched attempt. There is absolutely no reason given by the story why they attacked. It's the same as an effort for war without any politics put behind it. Unless I missed something, I now think that the story was a bit rushed because of the fact that it's a war without politics.
Them figuring out that they were toyed with when it came to their genes is a what-if scenario. Which isn't in the story since they aren't capable of voicing their distaste with the perspective being from a human. Same with the "attempt" to kill them via your assumed botched attempt. There is absolutely no reason given by the story why they attacked. It's the same as an effort for war without any politics put behind it. Unless I missed something, I now think that the story was a bit rushed because of the fact that it's a war without politics.
>>FairyRave
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Your guess is recorded and you will be notified when the contest is over. :)
Genre: Would There Be Time Enough For It To Matter If I Was?
Thoughts: Gorgeous prose. Great characterization of Starlight; worthy of study as other authors consider writing her. Good mystery and hook. Good use of science and neat architecture details. Good payoff for the most part in the end. Occasional typos, but really not too bad in that regard.
I find myself looking at what seems like a butt-kicking total package of a story here, and yet I feel like there are some loose ends that impair my ability to top-slate it:
The mystery of the map table receives a fair amount of attention but doesn't ultimately go anywhere. The fact that Starlight has never been called by it in the show, coupled with the amount of talking that's done about how it works inside, creates an expectation for me that we're going to get an answer. You could even put something in that would explain that it was the puppet master's doing in the end, and that would work. But right now it's left as an unexplained tease.
The romantic subplot doesn't resolve at all. I guess that's not necessarily a problem; it can just be a background element. But it feels important at times, and I feel like the puppet master's identity creates an opportunity to do something clever and thematic to tie that together.
And yes, the typos are a thing. They're not bad but they stick out in what is otherwise tight writing.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: Gorgeous prose. Great characterization of Starlight; worthy of study as other authors consider writing her. Good mystery and hook. Good use of science and neat architecture details. Good payoff for the most part in the end. Occasional typos, but really not too bad in that regard.
I find myself looking at what seems like a butt-kicking total package of a story here, and yet I feel like there are some loose ends that impair my ability to top-slate it:
The mystery of the map table receives a fair amount of attention but doesn't ultimately go anywhere. The fact that Starlight has never been called by it in the show, coupled with the amount of talking that's done about how it works inside, creates an expectation for me that we're going to get an answer. You could even put something in that would explain that it was the puppet master's doing in the end, and that would work. But right now it's left as an unexplained tease.
The romantic subplot doesn't resolve at all. I guess that's not necessarily a problem; it can just be a background element. But it feels important at times, and I feel like the puppet master's identity creates an opportunity to do something clever and thematic to tie that together.
And yes, the typos are a thing. They're not bad but they stick out in what is otherwise tight writing.
Tier: Strong
Genre: \m/ BOLT THROWER \m/
Thoughts: I cried when it got to the speech part. Like for real, crying. Because I guessed what he was going to do, and to the story's credit, it only got more moving than it already was when he actually did it. So, massive props for building that level of emotional connection to the characters and their story. It seems like it would be way too easy for this kind of a tale of remembrance to go off the rails and end up being maudlin, but this didn't. It was boldly and unabashedly sentimental in the best way possible. Bravo!
The less good stuff for me was the typos and the ending. The typos weren't so bad as to bring the story down too much overall, but they were frequent enough to prove distracting. And as for the ending, I get it that the fact that it starts a tradition might be part of the appeal for some people, but I feel a lot more on the fence. The sudden jump gave me the momentary feeling of a Spongebob gag, and that's not great considering that the emotional climax of the story is so good (and so close to that point). Maybe it's partially the fact that we simultaneously see the tradition and get a resolution of the ponies at war question (which was a great and believable way to show ponies at war by the way) and both things don't get enough oxygen. Or maybe it would help if the pony who explains the tradition happened to have been there for the first one? I dunno.
Honestly I feel like you could cut the ending. Or come up with some other way of showing that the tradition carries on. Or just trust that the all-OC ponies at war have won the day (and the reader's heart) against all odds.
You know what? Screw the nitpicking. This story rocks. The world building is top-notch. The characters and emotions translate over from RL to ponies better than they should. Yeah this needs some cleanup, but it's still a victorious old warhorse.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: I cried when it got to the speech part. Like for real, crying. Because I guessed what he was going to do, and to the story's credit, it only got more moving than it already was when he actually did it. So, massive props for building that level of emotional connection to the characters and their story. It seems like it would be way too easy for this kind of a tale of remembrance to go off the rails and end up being maudlin, but this didn't. It was boldly and unabashedly sentimental in the best way possible. Bravo!
The less good stuff for me was the typos and the ending. The typos weren't so bad as to bring the story down too much overall, but they were frequent enough to prove distracting. And as for the ending, I get it that the fact that it starts a tradition might be part of the appeal for some people, but I feel a lot more on the fence. The sudden jump gave me the momentary feeling of a Spongebob gag, and that's not great considering that the emotional climax of the story is so good (and so close to that point). Maybe it's partially the fact that we simultaneously see the tradition and get a resolution of the ponies at war question (which was a great and believable way to show ponies at war by the way) and both things don't get enough oxygen. Or maybe it would help if the pony who explains the tradition happened to have been there for the first one? I dunno.
Honestly I feel like you could cut the ending. Or come up with some other way of showing that the tradition carries on. Or just trust that the all-OC ponies at war have won the day (and the reader's heart) against all odds.
You know what? Screw the nitpicking. This story rocks. The world building is top-notch. The characters and emotions translate over from RL to ponies better than they should. Yeah this needs some cleanup, but it's still a victorious old warhorse.
Tier: Top Contender
Holy Celestia that was fantastic. This invoked memories of Eakin's Hard Reset (Also because of time-travel, time-loops and changelings, I suspect). I was literally out of breath at the end of it, since I was practically tearing through pages to find out what happened next. Utterly brilliant. Going straight to my "Top Shelf" folder the moment it goes live on FimFiction.
Characters were spot on. The pacing was fantastic. Magical combat was great (though seriously, what the buck is with ponies practicing combat magic in a library, even if it was a damn dream?!). The only things that threw me was the opening paragraph felt a little too heavy, I thought cutie marks were supposed to buzz when the map summoned a pony and I really, really wanted more shipping. I wonder if that got cut out of time. If so, put it back in there! After all the rest of dark stories, I need some shipping goodness!
Phew. Excellent. This may have just taken #1 on my list.
Characters were spot on. The pacing was fantastic. Magical combat was great (though seriously, what the buck is with ponies practicing combat magic in a library, even if it was a damn dream?!). The only things that threw me was the opening paragraph felt a little too heavy, I thought cutie marks were supposed to buzz when the map summoned a pony and I really, really wanted more shipping. I wonder if that got cut out of time. If so, put it back in there! After all the rest of dark stories, I need some shipping goodness!
Phew. Excellent. This may have just taken #1 on my list.
Yay, finished my not-entry but still heavily inspired by a thing. It's going up on Fimfic tomorrow since I don't have to be anonymous.
It is basically a Syeekoh story, except not as good.
It is basically a Syeekoh story, except not as good.
Gullible 'Tavi is the best. Kinda curious just how far she went with her "vacation," but that is beside the point I suppose.
The cute kind of crazy from start to finish. Though, I mean, in the spirit of the meta I have to ask: how'd she break the cello?
The cute kind of crazy from start to finish. Though, I mean, in the spirit of the meta I have to ask: how'd she break the cello?
Genre: Cliffhang---
Thoughts: >>Haze said it best:
This is, to me, an example of the dreaded Show Versus Tell: we as readers are told by the narrator that stuff is happening, but the narrator isn't describing those things for the most part. That means we don't get much of a visceral experience of that stuff happening because the narrator isn't serving as a vehicle through which we would get to experience the story's events.
But with that said, the story builds interest by presenting pieces of a scenario that begs to be fleshed out. The thing with the zealots and Sunset's measurements was really cool and vivid; that was an example of how to do a visceral connection through characters talking. The fact that Sunset has been summoned back to help is cool too, and it would be cool to see how she and Starlight get along. The hints about the CMCs' marks representing partial/failed alicornhood and/or representing the three tribes also represents fertile ground.
If I may be forgiven for rambling/waxing philosophical for a moment here: To address the issue of figuring out who the protagonist is and helping build a connection to them, my general rule of thumb for writing shorts is that the first words of the story should ideally be the perspective character's name; and if they're not, we should get to that name as soon as possible. (But then I've pretty much scoured everything but third person limited perspective out of my writing process because I find it makes for a clear writing and reading experience all around, so YMMV for a first person situation.) Either way, the first paragraph should show the character doing something as part of their pursuit of a goal. That drops us into the story "in media res," tells us who our "hero" is, and gives some clues about what the plot might be. Now there are all sorts of other narrative approaches to consider, but I feel like that kind of a quick way of establishing the parameters of the story would help a great deal here.
Tier: Needs Work
...
OTOH, you killed Rarity, so: 0/10 - IGN.com :-p
Thoughts: >>Haze said it best:
the story itself feels rather abstract, since they mostly just talk about what's happening and what to do. It took me a while to even figure out that the first-person narrator was Sweetie Belle.
This is, to me, an example of the dreaded Show Versus Tell: we as readers are told by the narrator that stuff is happening, but the narrator isn't describing those things for the most part. That means we don't get much of a visceral experience of that stuff happening because the narrator isn't serving as a vehicle through which we would get to experience the story's events.
But with that said, the story builds interest by presenting pieces of a scenario that begs to be fleshed out. The thing with the zealots and Sunset's measurements was really cool and vivid; that was an example of how to do a visceral connection through characters talking. The fact that Sunset has been summoned back to help is cool too, and it would be cool to see how she and Starlight get along. The hints about the CMCs' marks representing partial/failed alicornhood and/or representing the three tribes also represents fertile ground.
If I may be forgiven for rambling/waxing philosophical for a moment here: To address the issue of figuring out who the protagonist is and helping build a connection to them, my general rule of thumb for writing shorts is that the first words of the story should ideally be the perspective character's name; and if they're not, we should get to that name as soon as possible. (But then I've pretty much scoured everything but third person limited perspective out of my writing process because I find it makes for a clear writing and reading experience all around, so YMMV for a first person situation.) Either way, the first paragraph should show the character doing something as part of their pursuit of a goal. That drops us into the story "in media res," tells us who our "hero" is, and gives some clues about what the plot might be. Now there are all sorts of other narrative approaches to consider, but I feel like that kind of a quick way of establishing the parameters of the story would help a great deal here.
Tier: Needs Work
...
OTOH, you killed Rarity, so: 0/10 - IGN.com :-p
I don't have much more to add than what's been said beyond my own baited breath.
Starlight's desire to poke at the map I can chalk up to her curiosity. Her leaning into Twilight at the end instead of nervously holding still is a tiny, enormous gesture to include. Brilliant. I'm okay with the ship not sailing completely since that's outside the scope of the narrative.
Hot damn.
Starlight's desire to poke at the map I can chalk up to her curiosity. Her leaning into Twilight at the end instead of nervously holding still is a tiny, enormous gesture to include. Brilliant. I'm okay with the ship not sailing completely since that's outside the scope of the narrative.
Hot damn.
Hmm. Dispensing with the usual review format because it's all been covered by others. I'll echo my esteemed colleague pantsu->>Posh-chan in asserting that the ending doesn't work as an ending for this story. I suspect the choice of ending was intentional though, and is likely meant to shock our systems and serve as commentary and promote thought. But I don't think it succeeds at doing that.
Tier: Misaimed
Tier: Misaimed
>>CoffeeMinion Point of order, Pan-Pan-Pantsu-Posh-Chan is my quantum doppelgänger from the Weebicorn dimension, the same reality which is home to Alicorn Neko-Girl Twilight-chan. Original flavor Posh from original flavor reality reviewed this story.
As he did most other stories in this write off. I think Extra Crispy Posh reviewed The Whimsical Adventures of Zecora the Heretical Zebra.
As he did most other stories in this write off. I think Extra Crispy Posh reviewed The Whimsical Adventures of Zecora the Heretical Zebra.
I'll echo TD's thought about missing the potential hammer blow of the corner Spike painted himself into. Otherwise, I think this is a fascinating take on the concept of death, and also a wider nudge at there being other fundamental avatars out in the world besides Harmony and Chaos. And six, no less, which is just delightful.
Dear artist,
I don't know if you caught me mention this in the Discord chat a while back, but I very nearly entered a story based on this pic. It really inspired me, and I'm hoping to expand on what I wrote for fimfiction. This is easily one of my favourites this round, and I just wanted you to know that before the time ran out! <3
I don't know if you caught me mention this in the Discord chat a while back, but I very nearly entered a story based on this pic. It really inspired me, and I'm hoping to expand on what I wrote for fimfiction. This is easily one of my favourites this round, and I just wanted you to know that before the time ran out! <3
On the whole, I liked this! I thought there was a lot of really funny jokes—the lines about Orson Scott Card and Fluttershy's dead competitor got legit laughs out of me, which is a rare feat in ponyfics.
That being said, I had some issues...
Much like >>Fenton noted, I thought the main joke was the least funny part of this. Most of the humor that worked for me came from those little asides, like the ones I noted above. Your character interactions are great, but the weed humor runs thin quick.
In the second to last scene, your perspective is off. The story is told entirely through Twilight's point-of-view, up until that point, where it starts slipping into other characters' POVs.
I thought the joke about actual weed was clever, but I can see people thinking it's preachy.
I think the epilogue is unnecessary. I don't find any part of it all that hilarious, and it doesn't add anything to the plot as far as I can see—we've already got the "Twilight is high" joke, anyway. Speaking of which, consider making your stoned!pony depictions a bit more creative... as is, everyone's pretty much the same cliched stoner when they're high. It would be much more interesting if you melded that weed humor with each character's individual personalities, and made each drug user unique.
Also +100 to >>Kritten
That being said, I had some issues...
Much like >>Fenton noted, I thought the main joke was the least funny part of this. Most of the humor that worked for me came from those little asides, like the ones I noted above. Your character interactions are great, but the weed humor runs thin quick.
In the second to last scene, your perspective is off. The story is told entirely through Twilight's point-of-view, up until that point, where it starts slipping into other characters' POVs.
I thought the joke about actual weed was clever, but I can see people thinking it's preachy.
I think the epilogue is unnecessary. I don't find any part of it all that hilarious, and it doesn't add anything to the plot as far as I can see—we've already got the "Twilight is high" joke, anyway. Speaking of which, consider making your stoned!pony depictions a bit more creative... as is, everyone's pretty much the same cliched stoner when they're high. It would be much more interesting if you melded that weed humor with each character's individual personalities, and made each drug user unique.
Also +100 to >>Kritten
Both my OctaScracth sense and my Greek mythology sense are flooded with endorphins right now. I like the genre so you didn't have to do much to please me but you still did and that pleases me even more.
The major flaw (for me) has already been raised by >>Posh. You didn't explain why Vinyl can't die and it frustrates me that I have to imagine how you would have written Vinyl getting Octavia out of Tartarus.
Because of that, it can't be top tier (it seems I gave this too many times) but it's still a strong story in my book.
The major flaw (for me) has already been raised by >>Posh. You didn't explain why Vinyl can't die and it frustrates me that I have to imagine how you would have written Vinyl getting Octavia out of Tartarus.
Because of that, it can't be top tier (it seems I gave this too many times) but it's still a strong story in my book.
I was expecting Celestia to explode, ending with the line "and that's how Equestria was unmade." Instead, you went for a silly pun. I liked it and I liked the story. And I've got nothing else to say because the story doesn't say much.
A nice laugh, that's all I've got.
Also,
http://www.deviantart.com/art/Stress-Relief-609809765
A nice laugh, that's all I've got.
Also,
Are you going to ‘draw me a bath’ by drawing a picture of a bathtub and placing it in the tub?
http://www.deviantart.com/art/Stress-Relief-609809765
I love the colors in this one, and the composition is fine, too! The only think kinda odd is the sudden transition between golden neck and gray head.
I think the idea behind this is great, and the perspective good, but the skeleton lacks details, and the transition between skin and bone is so sudden that I first thought it was meant to represent Celestia as a cyborg where the 'disguise' skin was ripped off from.
Quite simple and open to a lot of interpretations. I like this as a concept, but there's just too little of actual shapes/colors on canvas here for me to be captivated.
I like the simplicity in that one, but I think the yellow of the background was a bad choice: it's far too aggressive, while the them actually depicted looks like it's taken from a moment of relaxation. I think a more brownish/sepia color would've enhanced the impact of this piece.
I like the contrast between the almost-too-perfect incense burner and its symmetry, and the standoff in the rising smoke. It's a bit too little to serve as a highlight, though... I think the piece would improve if there were more than just gray in the background of the smoke. Maybe a skyline with mountains and a nearing thunderstorm behind the dragon's head, and clear skies behind the pony's? Just an idea.
The colors are gorgeous here, and I like how it seems as though the pony shape is born out of the cloudy shadows at the edges and bottom, and moves into the woodland landscape. I don't know if I'm a fan of the scraggly style the pony is drawn in though: It works for the low contrast parts like its legs, but where the contrast increases, especially around its head, I think a cleaner style would've improved the impression of the pony transitioning from the ethereal to the physical.
>>Posh
Shazai shimasu, desu. My all-nighter a couple nights ago plus some ironically timed insomnia since then has left me in a state of quantum superposition with my doppelgänger from the Weebicorn dimension, who (of course) is an Alicorn Catgirl.
It's a confusing experience. D:
Shazai shimasu, desu. My all-nighter a couple nights ago plus some ironically timed insomnia since then has left me in a state of quantum superposition with my doppelgänger from the Weebicorn dimension, who (of course) is an Alicorn Catgirl.
It's a confusing experience. D:
I feel as though the pony skeleton's arm is missing a few bones to make it complete. Probably intentional, but it's taking a lot of my focus.
Craft-wise, I think this is spectacular. The proportions are perfect, and the vertebrae look super realistic. I don't know if I'm a fan of the background and symmetric composition though, but that's just personal preference of course.
Craft-wise, I think this is spectacular. The proportions are perfect, and the vertebrae look super realistic. I don't know if I'm a fan of the background and symmetric composition though, but that's just personal preference of course.
The face made me think "Robocop!", but the colors made me think "Tron". There's a lot of inspiration to be found here, though I don't really get the pose.
My thougths on this entry will be a mixed between what >>wYvern and >>Novel_Idea have said.
Even though I didn't feel very engaged by the story, it was a pleasant reading and the pace was great.
However, I think you've made the characters' emotion a bit too light. By that, I mean that we don't really see what are their emotions about the events or the others characters (especially during the beginning). You gave us some glimpses but not enough for me. I had to fill the blank too many times and I think that's why I didn't feel that engaged by the story.
A strong mid tier nonetheless.
Even though I didn't feel very engaged by the story, it was a pleasant reading and the pace was great.
However, I think you've made the characters' emotion a bit too light. By that, I mean that we don't really see what are their emotions about the events or the others characters (especially during the beginning). You gave us some glimpses but not enough for me. I had to fill the blank too many times and I think that's why I didn't feel that engaged by the story.
A strong mid tier nonetheless.
I'll quote our purple alicorn to express my inital reaction "Did you-How-When-What?!"
Not very clear, right? Three words then: I loved it. I loved every single bit of this story.
"Perfection is achieved not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing more to remove."
I don't know if I would call this story perfect but there is nothing to remove for me here. Even the end than some have found too long, I enjoyed it because every little additions we have serves to rethink about the idea of the story and how you start a new beginning.
Deeply engaged with Pinkie Pie at first, I have also been engaged when Twilight came in. Their whole talk about becoming nothing were both emotionnal and philosophical; you have managed to delivered a good balance between the two.
I also loved how the story shift from one genre to another and without being jarring. The shifting is smooth, you escort your reader throughout your story, holding his hand and showing him what you have to say.
What I think got me the most is that, even if the topic is really dark and sad, the way the characters react to it and the ending give a sparkle (hahaha) of hope. This is not a happy ending when everything is resolved and fine. Instead, we have two major interpretations, especially because of that line:
Or Twilight has indeed recreated a fantasy world to keep on exisiting, or the ending is really a new beginning.
For me, I stick to the latter. That's why I was talking about a sparkle of hope. I hold that sparkle close to my heart, as hard as I can, because I want to see the characters' decisions to not be vain and I want to be able to make the same decision if I were at their place.
You did good author, you did really good. You have won my heart with this and you'll be, of course, ranked to the top.
Not very clear, right? Three words then: I loved it. I loved every single bit of this story.
"Perfection is achieved not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing more to remove."
I don't know if I would call this story perfect but there is nothing to remove for me here. Even the end than some have found too long, I enjoyed it because every little additions we have serves to rethink about the idea of the story and how you start a new beginning.
Deeply engaged with Pinkie Pie at first, I have also been engaged when Twilight came in. Their whole talk about becoming nothing were both emotionnal and philosophical; you have managed to delivered a good balance between the two.
I also loved how the story shift from one genre to another and without being jarring. The shifting is smooth, you escort your reader throughout your story, holding his hand and showing him what you have to say.
What I think got me the most is that, even if the topic is really dark and sad, the way the characters react to it and the ending give a sparkle (hahaha) of hope. This is not a happy ending when everything is resolved and fine. Instead, we have two major interpretations, especially because of that line:
...Unless Twilight just resets everything from scratch and my memory goes kerflooey.
Somehow, though, Pinkie doubted she'd do that.
Or Twilight has indeed recreated a fantasy world to keep on exisiting, or the ending is really a new beginning.
For me, I stick to the latter. That's why I was talking about a sparkle of hope. I hold that sparkle close to my heart, as hard as I can, because I want to see the characters' decisions to not be vain and I want to be able to make the same decision if I were at their place.
You did good author, you did really good. You have won my heart with this and you'll be, of course, ranked to the top.
This is intentionally a shaggy dog story, which is a pro and a con. Shaggy dog stories can be funny, but they also are ultimately kind of pointless.
Here, I think my biggest problem was that the story felt like it kind of ran out of gas; it started out strong, subverting everyone's usual annoyance with Discord with Sunset's blase acceptance and even enjoyment of his chaos magic, but as the story went on, it just felt kind of... eh? I dunno. The idea of Sunset frantically scrambling to fix the past before finding out at the end that it was all pointless anyway was amusing conceptually, but ultimately the struggles at the dance didn't really land for me humor-wise.
Here, I think my biggest problem was that the story felt like it kind of ran out of gas; it started out strong, subverting everyone's usual annoyance with Discord with Sunset's blase acceptance and even enjoyment of his chaos magic, but as the story went on, it just felt kind of... eh? I dunno. The idea of Sunset frantically scrambling to fix the past before finding out at the end that it was all pointless anyway was amusing conceptually, but ultimately the struggles at the dance didn't really land for me humor-wise.
Damn, GroaningGreyAgony. You practically tricked everyone while doing that contest of yours. I didn't know you could dish out something this good by just looking at your deviant account.
>>Fenton
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>wYvern
>>horizon
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Rao
>>The_Letter_J
>>Kritten
I'd like to apologise for the background. This was drawn at work in 5 minutes using whatever fell under my hand, which turned out to be a yellow Post-it™. I scanned it using the combo printer-fax-scanner of my office and here we go.
Will try to do something less rushed next time. Thanks for all that found it nice despite its obvious flaws!
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>wYvern
>>horizon
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Rao
>>The_Letter_J
>>Kritten
I'd like to apologise for the background. This was drawn at work in 5 minutes using whatever fell under my hand, which turned out to be a yellow Post-it™. I scanned it using the combo printer-fax-scanner of my office and here we go.
Will try to do something less rushed next time. Thanks for all that found it nice despite its obvious flaws!
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Hehe, yeah, they were made ugly on purpose...
>>The_Letter_J
Thanks for liking it despite Sunset having a bear hand that I spent only a minute on.
>>Kritten
Please ignore this no fun poster.
And also thanks to the rest.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
Hehe, yeah, they were made ugly on purpose...
>>The_Letter_J
Thanks for liking it despite Sunset having a bear hand that I spent only a minute on.
>>Kritten
Please ignore this no fun poster.
And also thanks to the rest.
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Morning Sun
>>The_Letter_J
>>CoffeeMinion
>>KwirkyJ
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
It's supposed to be two different faces that when mirrored give off different expressions. But I guess I wasn't fully quite capable of showing that off despite even having viewers showing their uncomfortableness with the given expression. One of them is conflicted with the side that wants to protect Twilight, while the other is doing whatever you want it to be doing, given that there's not much to go off of (legs, half a face, armor, etc.)
But hey, it's just a piece of art.
And thanks to the rest for also helping.
>>Morning Sun
>>The_Letter_J
>>CoffeeMinion
>>KwirkyJ
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
It's supposed to be two different faces that when mirrored give off different expressions. But I guess I wasn't fully quite capable of showing that off despite even having viewers showing their uncomfortableness with the given expression. One of them is conflicted with the side that wants to protect Twilight, while the other is doing whatever you want it to be doing, given that there's not much to go off of (legs, half a face, armor, etc.)
But hey, it's just a piece of art.
And thanks to the rest for also helping.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Since the art contest is over, I'll be replying to reviews on my art. (I didn't know about the Anonymous setting, but this and you could guess my other one are mine.)
I was actually attempting a new style make my two pieces. I became fond of the ‘messy’ style for a while now. Though I am capable of a cleaner style, I just got back into doing art after 3 months of nothing, so it’s probably due my lack of energy of cleaning it up I assume. I think I did pretty well for being rusty, though I appreciated your review regardless.
Since the art contest is over, I'll be replying to reviews on my art. (I didn't know about the Anonymous setting, but this and you could guess my other one are mine.)
I was actually attempting a new style make my two pieces. I became fond of the ‘messy’ style for a while now. Though I am capable of a cleaner style, I just got back into doing art after 3 months of nothing, so it’s probably due my lack of energy of cleaning it up I assume. I think I did pretty well for being rusty, though I appreciated your review regardless.
>>Kritten
Thank you! I really do enjoy coloring pieces like this.
I think my goal for this is more for the writer’s interpretation, so I tried to give them the freedom to choose how they would see it. Yes, it’s rather a loose excuse, but I didn’t want to be too specific to constrict the writer. This is actually my first prompt sort of image thing as well, so that might’ve contributed to the lack of define concept. I would probably try to be more focus on a topic in the future if I do something like this again (most likely).
Also, might as well include my reply to your Rise review too. For both Shadows & Ashes and Rise, I was experimenting with cloud effect sort of style since I recently discovered it and decided to actually use it with these pieces (I actually made 3 different pieces in this style but randomly picked 2 to submit). You're probably right about me overusing this. Like I said, I was trying the style and see how it came out, at same time, I wasn't really motivated as I could’ve been so it isn't my best work.
Anyways, thanks again for the reviews, they were more thoughtful than what I usually get. I definitely appreciate your feedback on both pieces. :)
Thank you! I really do enjoy coloring pieces like this.
I think my goal for this is more for the writer’s interpretation, so I tried to give them the freedom to choose how they would see it. Yes, it’s rather a loose excuse, but I didn’t want to be too specific to constrict the writer. This is actually my first prompt sort of image thing as well, so that might’ve contributed to the lack of define concept. I would probably try to be more focus on a topic in the future if I do something like this again (most likely).
Also, might as well include my reply to your Rise review too. For both Shadows & Ashes and Rise, I was experimenting with cloud effect sort of style since I recently discovered it and decided to actually use it with these pieces (I actually made 3 different pieces in this style but randomly picked 2 to submit). You're probably right about me overusing this. Like I said, I was trying the style and see how it came out, at same time, I wasn't really motivated as I could’ve been so it isn't my best work.
Anyways, thanks again for the reviews, they were more thoughtful than what I usually get. I definitely appreciate your feedback on both pieces. :)
>>Not_A_Hat
Like I said to >>Kritten, I may have been too loose with this piece. Also same as my reply to >>GroaningGreyAgony‘s comment, I recently got back into art because a friend, who is a writer here, asked me to join. Which led me to think I could try and get back into the groove of things by doing the art portion of the contest. I wouldn’t say it’s my best piece nor was Rise considering my minimal spark of inspiration, thus my rough draft sort of art.
Thank you for the feedback. I value every one I get.
Like I said to >>Kritten, I may have been too loose with this piece. Also same as my reply to >>GroaningGreyAgony‘s comment, I recently got back into art because a friend, who is a writer here, asked me to join. Which led me to think I could try and get back into the groove of things by doing the art portion of the contest. I wouldn’t say it’s my best piece nor was Rise considering my minimal spark of inspiration, thus my rough draft sort of art.
Thank you for the feedback. I value every one I get.
>>The_Letter_J
I appreciate the sentiment. ^^ And same as I had said to GroaningGreyAgony, I wanted to try out this style for a while now and hadn’t had any opportunities lately so I’ve decided to experimenting after months of no art and then this came out as a result. Read my reply to Kritten and Not_A_Hat for my reason for the loose connection of the prompt.
I appreciate the sentiment. ^^ And same as I had said to GroaningGreyAgony, I wanted to try out this style for a while now and hadn’t had any opportunities lately so I’ve decided to experimenting after months of no art and then this came out as a result. Read my reply to Kritten and Not_A_Hat for my reason for the loose connection of the prompt.
>>Morning Sun, >>Not_A_Hat, >>Remedyfortheheart, >>Kritten. >>The_Letter_J, >>CoffeeMinion, >>bloons3, >>horizon, >>wYvern
Her Smoke Rose Up First, or, Ceci n’est pas un cigare
I had a pretty nice art idea for this round, and went to sleep on the first night planning great things for the morrow.
The next morning, I got this silly idea as well, said “Why not?” and dashed it off. Out of all the pieces I did, it is the ranked the lowest, but nonetheless inspired the most stories. So… yay, I guess.
The first draft showed Celestia (yes, I meant it to be her) using her hornfield on the ashes, so those who interpreted this as “Sunbutt makes a cigar out of Philomena” were not far off. I decided that the hornfield wasn’t very obvious in a B&W sketch and I thought it was a bit funnier if Philomena just spontaneously reincarnated as a cigar, so I took the lines out.
The cartoon is perhaps too explicit in telling its own story, but it proved inspirational anyway, so sic freat crustulum.
To those who were distressed by the image, I’m sorry you didn’t like it. To those who liked it, I invite you to put it in your pipe and smoke it. Either way, thank you for the comments!
(For the record, I don’t smoke at all, and that was supposed to be just a regular cigar and not a homemade one, hence the label I drew on it. I don’t see what I could have reasonably done to prevent a 420 inference, so I have no regrets.)
ETA: The title of the cartoon is a reference to the works of James Tiptree.
Her Smoke Rose Up First, or, Ceci n’est pas un cigare
I had a pretty nice art idea for this round, and went to sleep on the first night planning great things for the morrow.
The next morning, I got this silly idea as well, said “Why not?” and dashed it off. Out of all the pieces I did, it is the ranked the lowest, but nonetheless inspired the most stories. So… yay, I guess.
The first draft showed Celestia (yes, I meant it to be her) using her hornfield on the ashes, so those who interpreted this as “Sunbutt makes a cigar out of Philomena” were not far off. I decided that the hornfield wasn’t very obvious in a B&W sketch and I thought it was a bit funnier if Philomena just spontaneously reincarnated as a cigar, so I took the lines out.
The cartoon is perhaps too explicit in telling its own story, but it proved inspirational anyway, so sic freat crustulum.
To those who were distressed by the image, I’m sorry you didn’t like it. To those who liked it, I invite you to put it in your pipe and smoke it. Either way, thank you for the comments!
(For the record, I don’t smoke at all, and that was supposed to be just a regular cigar and not a homemade one, hence the label I drew on it. I don’t see what I could have reasonably done to prevent a 420 inference, so I have no regrets.)
ETA: The title of the cartoon is a reference to the works of James Tiptree.
I will agree with the others on this one.
I don't see the possibility to switch characters or to get rid of the MLP setting as a big problem, same thing with the fact that this story has nothing new to offer on the subject (it's really hard to have something new to say about something). In fact, as long as the story told is engaging and interesting, it is one I enjoy reading.
Here, the problem is that the story is interesting in its premise but isn't very engaging. The character in which the POV is set is awfully stupid, especially during the second-half. I know that he is supposed to be a child and thus, he can't really understand what is going on but after witnessing so many terrible things, he can't just ask Twilight "By the way, where is Kelon?".
You probably wanted to create a contrast between the innocent look a kid can have on this and the violence of the invaders but it is too forced. The kid has seen some of his friends being beat up and taken prisoner. That's the kind of events you can't just dismiss, even if you're a kid.
My advice would be to make the confrontation between the natives and Equestria more subtle and less obvious, both for the kid and the reader.
So that will be a no for me but with encouragements to rework it because I think you have something here to make a great story.
You know, it reminds me a bit of A Good Filly by Orbiting Kettle in its premise and the contrast between locals and Equestria.
I don't see the possibility to switch characters or to get rid of the MLP setting as a big problem, same thing with the fact that this story has nothing new to offer on the subject (it's really hard to have something new to say about something). In fact, as long as the story told is engaging and interesting, it is one I enjoy reading.
Here, the problem is that the story is interesting in its premise but isn't very engaging. The character in which the POV is set is awfully stupid, especially during the second-half. I know that he is supposed to be a child and thus, he can't really understand what is going on but after witnessing so many terrible things, he can't just ask Twilight "By the way, where is Kelon?".
You probably wanted to create a contrast between the innocent look a kid can have on this and the violence of the invaders but it is too forced. The kid has seen some of his friends being beat up and taken prisoner. That's the kind of events you can't just dismiss, even if you're a kid.
My advice would be to make the confrontation between the natives and Equestria more subtle and less obvious, both for the kid and the reader.
So that will be a no for me but with encouragements to rework it because I think you have something here to make a great story.
You know, it reminds me a bit of A Good Filly by Orbiting Kettle in its premise and the contrast between locals and Equestria.
>>Fenton
>>Kitcat36
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Not_A_Hat
>>TitaniumDragon
>>Kritten
>>The_Letter_J
>>KwirkyJ
>>wYvern
>>horizon
Hopefully I tagged everyone, I'm on mobile and my browser doesn't like this input interface for some reason.
So GGA hit the main issue I have with this in retrospect neatly on the head: I did not use references while making this piece. Considering I've never really drawn architecture before, this was a really stupid move. It seems like the biggest problem most people had with this was that it just looked too abstract to be anything real, and that issue could've been resolved completely by me just using references. Blegh.
One of the other main problems with this was that it was completely uninspired. I worked on this for at least ten hours in total, mostly because I kept redoing the design. I had originally started out with the idea of a ruined temple wall being approached by an ambiguous group of ponies. However, I wasn't sure if that was too specific, so I changed it around dramatically. I ended up going through so many ideas before I just decided to go for exploring a ruined house because everything else felt too specific. After seeing some of the other entries, I feel like I should've stuck with my first idea. It probably still wouldn't have been a top contender, the idea in general was formulated because I had no idea what else to draw, but at least it would've likely been less confusing. I also should've changed the base when I changed the idea, but instead I kept the general shape of the building and holes from the temple idea. I didn't consider the fact that holes originally meant to look melted and slagged would absolutely not fit on a brick structure. It seems I had multiple lapses in attention to detail in all aspects of this round. :facehoof:
I really hope that there are more art rounds. While I struggled and ultimately kinda flopped with this, it was still super fun to see what everybody had made and the stories people generated. Maybe next time I can make something that actually works, haha :twilightsheepish:
>>Kitcat36
>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Not_A_Hat
>>TitaniumDragon
>>Kritten
>>The_Letter_J
>>KwirkyJ
>>wYvern
>>horizon
Hopefully I tagged everyone, I'm on mobile and my browser doesn't like this input interface for some reason.
So GGA hit the main issue I have with this in retrospect neatly on the head: I did not use references while making this piece. Considering I've never really drawn architecture before, this was a really stupid move. It seems like the biggest problem most people had with this was that it just looked too abstract to be anything real, and that issue could've been resolved completely by me just using references. Blegh.
One of the other main problems with this was that it was completely uninspired. I worked on this for at least ten hours in total, mostly because I kept redoing the design. I had originally started out with the idea of a ruined temple wall being approached by an ambiguous group of ponies. However, I wasn't sure if that was too specific, so I changed it around dramatically. I ended up going through so many ideas before I just decided to go for exploring a ruined house because everything else felt too specific. After seeing some of the other entries, I feel like I should've stuck with my first idea. It probably still wouldn't have been a top contender, the idea in general was formulated because I had no idea what else to draw, but at least it would've likely been less confusing. I also should've changed the base when I changed the idea, but instead I kept the general shape of the building and holes from the temple idea. I didn't consider the fact that holes originally meant to look melted and slagged would absolutely not fit on a brick structure. It seems I had multiple lapses in attention to detail in all aspects of this round. :facehoof:
I really hope that there are more art rounds. While I struggled and ultimately kinda flopped with this, it was still super fun to see what everybody had made and the stories people generated. Maybe next time I can make something that actually works, haha :twilightsheepish:
Oh boy, this was story isn't about rainbows and butterflies, definitely not.
Once again, I'll lazily agree with the others, both for the good points and the flaws.
I also want to add two things:
The first one, and the smallest, is that, while I was reading the story I was telling myself "Ok, that's interesting. The story is starting to ask some deep questions about the meaning of life and death" but unfortunately, the story ends before we reach something really deep.
The second one is the ending, especially the two last lines.
I mean 'No shit Sherlock', haven't Spike thought about what it would mean to become the Bearer of Death? It's like he became more stupid as time passes.
However, you took a risk with this story, author, and even if the execution felt sometimes a bit clumsy, I think it's something that needs to be mention. Moreover, the beginning was really engaging.
So it will be a mid tier for me.
Once again, I'll lazily agree with the others, both for the good points and the flaws.
I also want to add two things:
The first one, and the smallest, is that, while I was reading the story I was telling myself "Ok, that's interesting. The story is starting to ask some deep questions about the meaning of life and death" but unfortunately, the story ends before we reach something really deep.
The second one is the ending, especially the two last lines.
And it was at that moment that Spike realized that he had the duty to kill everyone. And the only end—the inevitable end—would be to kill himself and pass on the Role.
I mean 'No shit Sherlock', haven't Spike thought about what it would mean to become the Bearer of Death? It's like he became more stupid as time passes.
However, you took a risk with this story, author, and even if the execution felt sometimes a bit clumsy, I think it's something that needs to be mention. Moreover, the beginning was really engaging.
So it will be a mid tier for me.
>>shinygiratinaz
Even though there are some problems with your work, it has still inspired me for another entry. Unfortunately, I hadn't the time to finish it. However, I plan to keep working on it so be assured that you have inspired someone at least.
Even though there are some problems with your work, it has still inspired me for another entry. Unfortunately, I hadn't the time to finish it. However, I plan to keep working on it so be assured that you have inspired someone at least.
>>MLPmatthewl419, >>Not_A_Hat, >>GroaningGreyAgony, >>The_Letter_J, >>Dubs_Rewatcher, >>wYvern, >>horizon
Tiptree Through the Toetops
This was the last piece I did for this art round, and was a real “dash it off in five minutes” kind of effort. I thought the pun was worth making, even if it was a bit obscure (and I later felt the need to explain it).
I follow Estee in preferring the name “Snowflake” for this character, but whatever. I made him say “Nah” just as an inversion of his usual catchphrase, with no deeper meaning intended.
Dubs, thanks for the flattering comparison. Horizon, I know you’re joking here, but sometimes I do employ optical trickery.
Thanks to all for commenting!
Tiptree Through the Toetops
This was the last piece I did for this art round, and was a real “dash it off in five minutes” kind of effort. I thought the pun was worth making, even if it was a bit obscure (and I later felt the need to explain it).
I follow Estee in preferring the name “Snowflake” for this character, but whatever. I made him say “Nah” just as an inversion of his usual catchphrase, with no deeper meaning intended.
Dubs, thanks for the flattering comparison. Horizon, I know you’re joking here, but sometimes I do employ optical trickery.
Thanks to all for commenting!
I practiced a policy of not reviewing all the art for this round to make it harder to guess which ones I did. This was perhaps overprecaution in retrospect. I regret now that this was one of the ones I skipped reviewing.
This piece was number one for me. I love the characterization, the expressions and the execution, the little details like the hoofglove with a strap, the gorgeous rendition of a pony skeleton, the suggestion of ominous faces in the background. This one should have gotten a medal. Thank you for creating it, Zaid, and I hope to see more of your work.
This piece was number one for me. I love the characterization, the expressions and the execution, the little details like the hoofglove with a strap, the gorgeous rendition of a pony skeleton, the suggestion of ominous faces in the background. This one should have gotten a medal. Thank you for creating it, Zaid, and I hope to see more of your work.
>>Not_A_Hat, >>Kritten, >>The_Letter_J, >>TitaniumDragon, >>KwirkyJ, >>CoffeeMinion, >>Dubs_Rewatcher, >>horizon
No More Fears Form Here
This one shames me.
I had a beautiful idea at the start of the round, which I planned to execute on scratchboard, of a gathering of storytellers around a campfire, with the smoke visualizing the story they told. I thought this would be simple to execute and was full of fire for the idea.
But as the days ticked on, I just wasn’t getting anywhere with it. I spent too much time planning, I think, and I got paralyzed with the thoughts of “not good enough.”
So on the last day, I took the top half of this idea and crafted the Incense Burner to support it. Then, in the wee small hours of the morning when sane and productive people are fast asleep and one’s judgement is not at its best, I tossed this out, a poor skeleton of my original concept, in little more time than it took me to draw Treetops.
I hereby apologize to the ghost of my original concept. I am glad that folks here got something from the result, so it was not entirely a waste of time, but I regret presenting it to you all in such a state. I could, and should, have done much better.
Thank you for your patience, kindness and comments.
No More Fears Form Here
This one shames me.
I had a beautiful idea at the start of the round, which I planned to execute on scratchboard, of a gathering of storytellers around a campfire, with the smoke visualizing the story they told. I thought this would be simple to execute and was full of fire for the idea.
But as the days ticked on, I just wasn’t getting anywhere with it. I spent too much time planning, I think, and I got paralyzed with the thoughts of “not good enough.”
So on the last day, I took the top half of this idea and crafted the Incense Burner to support it. Then, in the wee small hours of the morning when sane and productive people are fast asleep and one’s judgement is not at its best, I tossed this out, a poor skeleton of my original concept, in little more time than it took me to draw Treetops.
I hereby apologize to the ghost of my original concept. I am glad that folks here got something from the result, so it was not entirely a waste of time, but I regret presenting it to you all in such a state. I could, and should, have done much better.
Thank you for your patience, kindness and comments.
>>CoffeeMinion
Awww, thank you for the compliment! I will tell you I really did three pieces in this style, but chose to enter this and 'Totally Not Thunderlane' in the end. This was more of me experimenting with this style of art, so it’s not my usual style I would’ve done. I guess I was going for an misty aesthetic sort of approach.
Awww, thank you for the compliment! I will tell you I really did three pieces in this style, but chose to enter this and 'Totally Not Thunderlane' in the end. This was more of me experimenting with this style of art, so it’s not my usual style I would’ve done. I guess I was going for an misty aesthetic sort of approach.
>>Morning Sun
I've created the folder in the FIMFic Writeoff group, so you should be able to add your story there.
(General reminder: That goes for everyone! If you publish a story to FIMFiction that was inspired by, and written to, this round's prompt, you can add it to the folder, whether or not it was an entry in the Writeoff. Stories entered here are eligible too — just remember NOT to post them to FIMFic until the contest is over, or you will be disqualified for breaking anonymity.)
I've created the folder in the FIMFic Writeoff group, so you should be able to add your story there.
(General reminder: That goes for everyone! If you publish a story to FIMFiction that was inspired by, and written to, this round's prompt, you can add it to the folder, whether or not it was an entry in the Writeoff. Stories entered here are eligible too — just remember NOT to post them to FIMFic until the contest is over, or you will be disqualified for breaking anonymity.)
>>GroaningGreyAgony
I didn't make it into the contest proper but it inspired another abomination! Phoenix Dust
I didn't make it into the contest proper but it inspired another abomination! Phoenix Dust
>>The_Letter_J
>>CoffeeMinion
Yes, the grey blob is the wing and I apologize for the crud sketch. I mainly had the goal of presenting a art piece of prompt. I just lack the motivation to draw it out, but I'll most likely post a more polish style if there's another art contest later.
>>CoffeeMinion
Yes, the grey blob is the wing and I apologize for the crud sketch. I mainly had the goal of presenting a art piece of prompt. I just lack the motivation to draw it out, but I'll most likely post a more polish style if there's another art contest later.
>>FairyRave
You're very welcome, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I didn't know of your block, but it makes me even happier that this might have helped with breaking free from it. I've also found these contests a great way of breaking inactivity streaks: the high-quality feedback is great motivation to participate, and the short deadlines eliminate all possibility for procrastination.
I don't know how regular rounds with art will be, and there is no feature (yet?) to just be notified of art rounds, so if you want, I can let you know when the next one is. Although, if you want to improve your writing, and add MLP and/or original fiction to the HP and Sherlock fanfics, you might just as well get all the e-mail notifications and wait for a prompt to spark your creativity ;-)
You're very welcome, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I didn't know of your block, but it makes me even happier that this might have helped with breaking free from it. I've also found these contests a great way of breaking inactivity streaks: the high-quality feedback is great motivation to participate, and the short deadlines eliminate all possibility for procrastination.
I don't know how regular rounds with art will be, and there is no feature (yet?) to just be notified of art rounds, so if you want, I can let you know when the next one is. Although, if you want to improve your writing, and add MLP and/or original fiction to the HP and Sherlock fanfics, you might just as well get all the e-mail notifications and wait for a prompt to spark your creativity ;-)
>>wYvern
Unless someone procrastinates till the last moment. :P
I think I'll like that. I sort of wanted a way to make art without me sitting around till something just happen to pop in my head. And as for my writing, we'll see. I am horrid at forming words in a way that makes sense when there are time constraints and mediocre at best without them.
Unless someone procrastinates till the last moment. :P
I think I'll like that. I sort of wanted a way to make art without me sitting around till something just happen to pop in my head. And as for my writing, we'll see. I am horrid at forming words in a way that makes sense when there are time constraints and mediocre at best without them.
I'm positive this isn't the canon origin story for Sombrero, but what do I care? This was fantastically done, and I applaud you for creating a character for someone who is, essentially, a blank slate in canon. From cynical academic to world-threatening monster-king... not how I would have seen season three's intro baddie coming into being, but I could easily see someone headcanoning it into reality.
Honestly? The only criticism I have is the title, which vastly undersells the premise and, imo, undercuts a very strong, dark, dramatic story. "X does Y" is usually reserved for comedic crackery, and that's what I was expecting going into this.
It's a hell of a thing when the best criticism I can offer a story is "the title is misleading."
Honestly? The only criticism I have is the title, which vastly undersells the premise and, imo, undercuts a very strong, dark, dramatic story. "X does Y" is usually reserved for comedic crackery, and that's what I was expecting going into this.
It's a hell of a thing when the best criticism I can offer a story is "the title is misleading."
Others have gone into detail about the structural and pacing problems facing this story, and I feel I have little to add to that. Instead, I'll mention that Cadance's dialogue feels unusually stilted and unemotional, which is a hindrance for a story whose major twist is that everyone is either a robot or an emotionless depressive.
It's also very unclear what, precisely, happened to drive Celly to banish Cadance. What she did is apparent. Why she did it... I don't really grasp that. Nor do I fully understand the significance of Smarty Pants.
Good concept, mostly good execution, but it wades through murky waters and doesn't really come together. Although I dig the last couple paragraphs.
It's also very unclear what, precisely, happened to drive Celly to banish Cadance. What she did is apparent. Why she did it... I don't really grasp that. Nor do I fully understand the significance of Smarty Pants.
Good concept, mostly good execution, but it wades through murky waters and doesn't really come together. Although I dig the last couple paragraphs.
*HEAD EXPLODES*
I get that this is an experimental piece, but I don't think it plays out very well. It's coherent, and has its own sort of internal logic, and once you figure out the coded language that Twilight and Sparkle have with one another, it sorta comes into focus.
But it's not a particularly fun or compelling read. I get the feeling that it's supposed to be comedic (Twilight debating how much time and energy she and her new personality should devote to breathing certainly strikes me as an amusing, in character line of thought to take) but the comedy's buried under layers and layers of inner dialogue, and thus pretty inaccessible. Maybe if I was in college again, and I was in the mood to parse a dense, experimental literary piece like this... then again I could barely get through Beckett.
Sorry, but I'm not feeling this piece.
I get that this is an experimental piece, but I don't think it plays out very well. It's coherent, and has its own sort of internal logic, and once you figure out the coded language that Twilight and Sparkle have with one another, it sorta comes into focus.
But it's not a particularly fun or compelling read. I get the feeling that it's supposed to be comedic (Twilight debating how much time and energy she and her new personality should devote to breathing certainly strikes me as an amusing, in character line of thought to take) but the comedy's buried under layers and layers of inner dialogue, and thus pretty inaccessible. Maybe if I was in college again, and I was in the mood to parse a dense, experimental literary piece like this... then again I could barely get through Beckett.
Sorry, but I'm not feeling this piece.
>>CoffeeMinion
Thanks. ; )
This isn't my usual style, if you want, you could look up some of my art on my Tumblr or DeviantArt.
Thanks. ; )
This isn't my usual style, if you want, you could look up some of my art on my Tumblr or DeviantArt.
>>Rao
Yeah, same. Trixie's an egotist, but she's not a reckless maniac. I mean, she was, that one time, but only under the influence of powerful dark magic. Also, it's disappointing that the collateral damage from Trixie's show isn't actually part of the story, but rather narrated to us by the sparkles and the berries.
This is another piece that doesn't quite come together. Others have pointed out that Starlight's name switches to Sunset, seemingly at random, which certainly serves pulls the reader out of the story, and there are the issues with Trixie's characterization and the internal logic of the story (what would compel the city to give Trixie another chance to perform, and why would Trixie leap at the opportunity to shove all the work onto a bunch of children?). Lemme add, though, that the children don't talk or act like children in the final scene.
So the kids want to put on a performance of their own. Cute. Could work. The kids pull off the performance without a hitch, better than Trixie ever could. That's... implausible. You'd think they'd mess up a great deal more than they do, that there'd be awkward dialogue or delivery, or flubbed lines. Maybe one of them starts crying halfway through. Kid stuff. Instead, they speak and act like seasoned vets of the stage, and they even pull off impressive theater effects and magic (portals?) which puts Trixie and Starlight, two professional magicians, to shame.
And they were able to put all of this together in how much time, again?
Gonna close with some observations about grammar: Your use of "should of" is a common mistake. You wanna write "should've," as in the contraction of "should have." Spoken out loud, of course, it sounds like "should of," but in writing, it's "should've."
Speaking of apostrophes, your use of "it's" to indicate possession is another common mistake. The form of "it's" you're using is another contraction, this time of "it is." The word you want, to indicate possession, is simply "its." No apostrophe.
It's rare that I actually lecture on grammar... hrmph.
I get that early Trixie was a feckless showpony, but I have a hard time imagining her putting on a show, even then, that would blind and maim members of the audience. Maiming does not a popular pony make. This being post-To Where and Back Again makes her poor choice in choreography all the more strange.
Yeah, same. Trixie's an egotist, but she's not a reckless maniac. I mean, she was, that one time, but only under the influence of powerful dark magic. Also, it's disappointing that the collateral damage from Trixie's show isn't actually part of the story, but rather narrated to us by the sparkles and the berries.
This is another piece that doesn't quite come together. Others have pointed out that Starlight's name switches to Sunset, seemingly at random, which certainly serves pulls the reader out of the story, and there are the issues with Trixie's characterization and the internal logic of the story (what would compel the city to give Trixie another chance to perform, and why would Trixie leap at the opportunity to shove all the work onto a bunch of children?). Lemme add, though, that the children don't talk or act like children in the final scene.
So the kids want to put on a performance of their own. Cute. Could work. The kids pull off the performance without a hitch, better than Trixie ever could. That's... implausible. You'd think they'd mess up a great deal more than they do, that there'd be awkward dialogue or delivery, or flubbed lines. Maybe one of them starts crying halfway through. Kid stuff. Instead, they speak and act like seasoned vets of the stage, and they even pull off impressive theater effects and magic (portals?) which puts Trixie and Starlight, two professional magicians, to shame.
And they were able to put all of this together in how much time, again?
Gonna close with some observations about grammar: Your use of "should of" is a common mistake. You wanna write "should've," as in the contraction of "should have." Spoken out loud, of course, it sounds like "should of," but in writing, it's "should've."
Speaking of apostrophes, your use of "it's" to indicate possession is another common mistake. The form of "it's" you're using is another contraction, this time of "it is." The word you want, to indicate possession, is simply "its." No apostrophe.
It's rare that I actually lecture on grammar... hrmph.
It seems there are definitely some people who love this story, so that’s great :D
Personally, I didn’t like the story because I felt it drew a bit too much from BTTF and the variations on that plot didn’t feel all that… new? I mean, sure, having Night Light’s crush be Sonata instead of Twilight Velvet was interesting and unexpected, but other than that, I didn’t find myself all that interested in the plot.
The eighties things were sort of… there, their only real involvement being scenery where the narrator takes a minute to sightsee and go “Look, the eighties! Leg warmers! Some crooner singing about the power of love wink wink”. I feel like how I put that is a bit harsh, but that’s honestly the vibe I got from it. The references were just references and weren’t enough to interest me. I think I would’ve liked more involvement in that sense, I suppose, if at all; making leg warmers plot-relevant or forming jokes where the punchy bit of the joke isn’t just the phrase “leg warmers”.
That said, it was a romp, it was a riot. There was enough of a baseline plot to keep me at least interested enough to read all the way through. I don’t have a problem with the fact that it’s a shaggy dog story, but only if it’s entertaining along the way. Though I didn’t think it was entertaining, personally, people seemed to enjoy it, so good job, author, ya done good :>
Personally, I didn’t like the story because I felt it drew a bit too much from BTTF and the variations on that plot didn’t feel all that… new? I mean, sure, having Night Light’s crush be Sonata instead of Twilight Velvet was interesting and unexpected, but other than that, I didn’t find myself all that interested in the plot.
The eighties things were sort of… there, their only real involvement being scenery where the narrator takes a minute to sightsee and go “Look, the eighties! Leg warmers! Some crooner singing about the power of love wink wink”. I feel like how I put that is a bit harsh, but that’s honestly the vibe I got from it. The references were just references and weren’t enough to interest me. I think I would’ve liked more involvement in that sense, I suppose, if at all; making leg warmers plot-relevant or forming jokes where the punchy bit of the joke isn’t just the phrase “leg warmers”.
That said, it was a romp, it was a riot. There was enough of a baseline plot to keep me at least interested enough to read all the way through. I don’t have a problem with the fact that it’s a shaggy dog story, but only if it’s entertaining along the way. Though I didn’t think it was entertaining, personally, people seemed to enjoy it, so good job, author, ya done good :>
“Right now she’s sitting at three ninety-one BTUs—that’s Baked Thermal Units,
Ughh...
This whole story... made me groan... but it also made me laugh a lot
I don't know if I want to hit you, or hug you. I'm gonna hut you.
Genre: Pinkie Pie Is Watching You Even After The Heat Death Of The Universe
Thoughts: >>horizon says a lot of what I might, so let's start with "me too" and jump to the story's ending. It's rather long, and I'm not sure that it helps to sell the main thrust of the first bit better than fading to black might. Because the payoff of the first bit is Twilight finding faith of a sort, isn't it? And by seeing how things turned out, we don't need faith; we get to see it with our own eyes. And that blunts (lol good jokes blaze 420) a lot of the emotional impact of her coming to faith, IMO. Like if we know what happens, then it doesn't ultimately matter if she has faith or not. I suspect that the point of showing what happens is to make the payoff stronger in case the faith angle isn't interesting enough to people, but at least for me it serves to extend the story past the point where it's able to make an impact. And by keeping going, I would argue that it starts to dilute the strength and meaning of the first bit, in part because none of the characters at the end are the characters we know. It's literally a whole new universe, and we already start to see different family relationships that imply different parentage which implies different. Different is 100% totally fine if you set up what it means and do interesting things with it, but the story seems to just bank on us seeing the characters connected to each other in ways that make sense in the prime-verse but that haven't been established in this one. In other words, we're meant to see and gloss over the differences without worrying too much, and my OCD-sense is left tingling.
However: if you tighten that up and/or remove the ending part, what's left might have plenty of impact.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: >>horizon says a lot of what I might, so let's start with "me too" and jump to the story's ending. It's rather long, and I'm not sure that it helps to sell the main thrust of the first bit better than fading to black might. Because the payoff of the first bit is Twilight finding faith of a sort, isn't it? And by seeing how things turned out, we don't need faith; we get to see it with our own eyes. And that blunts (lol good jokes blaze 420) a lot of the emotional impact of her coming to faith, IMO. Like if we know what happens, then it doesn't ultimately matter if she has faith or not. I suspect that the point of showing what happens is to make the payoff stronger in case the faith angle isn't interesting enough to people, but at least for me it serves to extend the story past the point where it's able to make an impact. And by keeping going, I would argue that it starts to dilute the strength and meaning of the first bit, in part because none of the characters at the end are the characters we know. It's literally a whole new universe, and we already start to see different family relationships that imply different parentage which implies different. Different is 100% totally fine if you set up what it means and do interesting things with it, but the story seems to just bank on us seeing the characters connected to each other in ways that make sense in the prime-verse but that haven't been established in this one. In other words, we're meant to see and gloss over the differences without worrying too much, and my OCD-sense is left tingling.
However: if you tighten that up and/or remove the ending part, what's left might have plenty of impact.
Tier: Almost There
GGA’s Art Guessing Game: Update
While no one successfully met all the conditions I stated, several people guessed me correctly on some pics. I am therefore loosening up the winning conditions, as I stated earlier. The entrants and guesses were as follows:
Kritten
Fumes, Her Smoke Rose Up Forever, She Rises from the Ashes
Dubs Rewatcher
A Brick and a Vacuum
FairyRave
Her Smoke Rose Up Forever, Fumes
bloons3
Her Smoke Rose Up Forever
The Letter J
Clangg, Tiptoe Through the Treetops.
I’ve decided to select a winner randomly from all who got at least one right. The roll of a fair die reveals The Letter J to be the contest winner. Let the simulated confetti commence!
While no one successfully met all the conditions I stated, several people guessed me correctly on some pics. I am therefore loosening up the winning conditions, as I stated earlier. The entrants and guesses were as follows:
Kritten
Fumes, Her Smoke Rose Up Forever, She Rises from the Ashes
Dubs Rewatcher
A Brick and a Vacuum
FairyRave
Her Smoke Rose Up Forever, Fumes
bloons3
Her Smoke Rose Up Forever
The Letter J
Clangg, Tiptoe Through the Treetops.
I’ve decided to select a winner randomly from all who got at least one right. The roll of a fair die reveals The Letter J to be the contest winner. Let the simulated confetti commence!
Oh, one other thing:
The description of Spike made me smile. :)
Twilight Sparkle opened the door and stepped into the castle’s kitchen. Spike, their assistant-brother-son-friend-dragon was sitting in a high chair, cook
The description of Spike made me smile. :)
funny coincidences:
I almost titled this "Campfire" but couldn't think of a second word. "Campfire something..."
then I went with the Dark Souls reference because it was better than nothing.
also the original idea had the CMC roasting marshmallows, but it cluttered up how I wanted to focus on the fire so I dropped that.
I almost titled this "Campfire" but couldn't think of a second word. "Campfire something..."
then I went with the Dark Souls reference because it was better than nothing.
also the original idea had the CMC roasting marshmallows, but it cluttered up how I wanted to focus on the fire so I dropped that.
Ugh. This story's writing style was clearly experimental, but it did not pan out. The core idea - of a character being of literally two minds, and struggling with internal conflict as a result - can work, but the way this story was worded throughout was just... really tedious to read.
It also suffers from a lack of any sort of clear arc, climax, or conclusion. There's clearly a hook here - Twilight's mind has somehow been split, and her body somehow changed - but there's no explanation for it, nor does it really do much in the way of exploration of things. It's all pretty much the same thing - the two trying to achieve consensus on actions - and doesn't really go beyond that.
It also suffers from a lack of any sort of clear arc, climax, or conclusion. There's clearly a hook here - Twilight's mind has somehow been split, and her body somehow changed - but there's no explanation for it, nor does it really do much in the way of exploration of things. It's all pretty much the same thing - the two trying to achieve consensus on actions - and doesn't really go beyond that.
Black romantic comedy, huh?
I can dig it.
I actually liked the implications here - doubly so that Death is getting annoyed with the whole affair, and that Vinyl hates being a burden, you know, dying all the time because she got cursed after stealing Octavia back from Tartarus. That Octavia can bring her back with a kiss is cute, and of course the ending made me laugh out loud.
I actually disagree that you need to go into too much detail about what happened to get Octavia out of Tartarus; I'm not sure if you want a big disruptive thing in there.
I can dig it.
I actually liked the implications here - doubly so that Death is getting annoyed with the whole affair, and that Vinyl hates being a burden, you know, dying all the time because she got cursed after stealing Octavia back from Tartarus. That Octavia can bring her back with a kiss is cute, and of course the ending made me laugh out loud.
I actually disagree that you need to go into too much detail about what happened to get Octavia out of Tartarus; I'm not sure if you want a big disruptive thing in there.
>>Haze
When I read "Lit," I actually assumed it was referencing/making a pun on "literature."
When I read "Lit," I actually assumed it was referencing/making a pun on "literature."
The golden weed of immortality, eh?
I have to say that I'm not a huge fan of this story, unfortunately; while there's some funny stuff here (the running joke about Queen Chrysalis is amusing, and gets better every time) the story seems to mostly center around "weed is funny".
The story also doesn't really feel like it has a whole lot to say; "weed makes the princesses immortal" is more of an idea than a story, and while there is ostensibly conflict (Twilight getting angry at the princesses) it isn't really a terribly meaningful one, just kind of a random misunderstanding.
Some of the stuff - like Fluttershy's conversation, the running Chrysalis joke, and the idea of them smoking dead phoenixes - is kind of funny, but ultimately the whole "weed is funny" part doesn't really carry its weight.
I have to say that I'm not a huge fan of this story, unfortunately; while there's some funny stuff here (the running joke about Queen Chrysalis is amusing, and gets better every time) the story seems to mostly center around "weed is funny".
The story also doesn't really feel like it has a whole lot to say; "weed makes the princesses immortal" is more of an idea than a story, and while there is ostensibly conflict (Twilight getting angry at the princesses) it isn't really a terribly meaningful one, just kind of a random misunderstanding.
Some of the stuff - like Fluttershy's conversation, the running Chrysalis joke, and the idea of them smoking dead phoenixes - is kind of funny, but ultimately the whole "weed is funny" part doesn't really carry its weight.
The idea of someone breaking something and scrambling around to fix it so the person doesn't know what you did is a solid comedic trope, but this story didn't really feel like it did anything terrible exciting or novel with it, it was just sort of a base-level execution. This story lacked a strong sense of serial escalation, which limited its humorous potential; rather, it felt quite flat. Nothing in it felt all that funny, and the conclusion just kind of was there.
>>TitaniumDragon
Suggestion: While I agree that it would be disruptive to explain it to the reader (and, like I said, it wouldn't make a great deal of sense in-unverse for the two of them to recap Vinylpheus and Euryditavia over toast), maybe it could be something that's at least brought up in conversation between the two of them. Tavi says something like "you wouldn't keep dying if it weren't for me," and Vinyl would say "I don't want to have this talk again," or... or I dunno, something like that.
Like, rather than Deathpony just saying "that happened," have the two characters to whom it happened reference it in dialogue, to show the effect that it had on their relationship. Maybe have them touch on it in addition to Deathpony bringing it up during his scene with Vinyl.
I mean, if I went into Hell to rescue my first-chair cellist girlfriend, I'm pretty sure we'd at least pay lip service to the fact, even if we wouldn't have a full-blown breakfast-time recap of the ordeal.
lip service hurrhurr
I actually disagree that you need to go into too much detail about what happened to get Octavia out of Tartarus; I'm not sure if you want a big disruptive thing in there.
Suggestion: While I agree that it would be disruptive to explain it to the reader (and, like I said, it wouldn't make a great deal of sense in-unverse for the two of them to recap Vinylpheus and Euryditavia over toast), maybe it could be something that's at least brought up in conversation between the two of them. Tavi says something like "you wouldn't keep dying if it weren't for me," and Vinyl would say "I don't want to have this talk again," or... or I dunno, something like that.
Like, rather than Deathpony just saying "that happened," have the two characters to whom it happened reference it in dialogue, to show the effect that it had on their relationship. Maybe have them touch on it in addition to Deathpony bringing it up during his scene with Vinyl.
I mean, if I went into Hell to rescue my first-chair cellist girlfriend, I'm pretty sure we'd at least pay lip service to the fact, even if we wouldn't have a full-blown breakfast-time recap of the ordeal.
I'm not sure when or where it happened, exactly, but I know for a fact that CoffeeMinion time-enough-for'd again in this discussion thread, and I would like to introduce an official ballot measure to legally bar him from ever referencing that title again for as long as the universe continues to expand.
On penalty of condemnation to science purgatory. Which is apparently where Wheel takes place.
...Which I will have to review some other time. 'm sleepy.
On penalty of condemnation to science purgatory. Which is apparently where Wheel takes place.
...Which I will have to review some other time. 'm sleepy.
>>Posh
I dunno, I think its kind of funnier because it is a totally off-handed mention. Like, you had this big crazy epic adventure, but it was a thing you did, you know?
I dunno, I think its kind of funnier because it is a totally off-handed mention. Like, you had this big crazy epic adventure, but it was a thing you did, you know?