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Georg’s first Round Micro Reviews for the new stories on my slate Sandwich: Scores are letter grades for Plot, Technical Work, and Characterization mushed together, with an E for stories I find particularly Enjoyable (and a little mayo, with a few bits of pickle on top). Ranked by how I like them, not necessarily how perfect they are on the score. (and posted all at once, from top to bottom so they line up on the chat.) I’m using the advice of Brandon Sanderson in listing positives(+) of a story before the negatives(-), and since this writeoff seems to be unusually violent, I’m also including the number of weapons listed and the approximate kill count.
Enjoyed! — Attack of the Fifty Foot Donut — A++ — First reaction: Oh, no. Poetry.
(+) Oh! Good poetry. To tackle a prompt of this type with a poem is a challenge bespeaking great skill, for most prose from these writeoffs could make you quite ill. Ok, I’ll stop.
(-) A few forced spots, but when you tie yourself down with chains like this, you have to expect a few clinks.
Weapons: Coffee. Fatalities: One.
(+) Oh! Good poetry. To tackle a prompt of this type with a poem is a challenge bespeaking great skill, for most prose from these writeoffs could make you quite ill. Ok, I’ll stop.
(-) A few forced spots, but when you tie yourself down with chains like this, you have to expect a few clinks.
Weapons: Coffee. Fatalities: One.
Enjoyed - Nuestra Senora — A+ — First reaction: I want to read this fic out loud in Ricardo Montalban's voice with the way he says “Rich Corinthian leather.” Or Antonio Banderas.
(+) Sucks the reader right in to the point where you can hear the flamenco guitar in the background. Rides that razor edge of reality and mythology right to the end.
(-) Mane? Somebody’s used to writing pony fic. Also, peanut butter and chili?
P.S. When this is over, can we get a reading of this from a woman with a spanish accent?
(+) Sucks the reader right in to the point where you can hear the flamenco guitar in the background. Rides that razor edge of reality and mythology right to the end.
(-) Mane? Somebody’s used to writing pony fic. Also, peanut butter and chili?
P.S. When this is over, can we get a reading of this from a woman with a spanish accent?
Enjoyed - My Kingdom for a Snack — A+ — First reaction: Kids do the darndest things. Perfect.
(+) Everything, from the flow to the characterization. I’ve got a preference for small children written correctly, and this hits all my happy buttons.
(-) Possibly, maybe the way the author used passive voice. There’s a lot of it at the beginning and it tapers off.
Weapon count: One King. Kill count: One wizard (previous to story)
(+) Everything, from the flow to the characterization. I’ve got a preference for small children written correctly, and this hits all my happy buttons.
(-) Possibly, maybe the way the author used passive voice. There’s a lot of it at the beginning and it tapers off.
Weapon count: One King. Kill count: One wizard (previous to story)
Early at Earls — A — First reaction: Lots of talkie, talkie.
(+) Nice job catching the action and emotions with only dialogue. That takes skill.
(-) I’m not sure if the old man is supposed to be something bigger in the story or if he’s just an old man. Leaves me with unanswered questions.
Weapons: Implied. Fatalities: None.
(+) Nice job catching the action and emotions with only dialogue. That takes skill.
(-) I’m not sure if the old man is supposed to be something bigger in the story or if he’s just an old man. Leaves me with unanswered questions.
Weapons: Implied. Fatalities: None.
Housewife — A — First reaction: Seems bland enough. Needs pepper.
(+) Oh, *that* kind of sandwich. Excellent building, only does not really hook at the beginning. The revenge-porn is a shock at the end, but a *good* shock. Well-constructed and characterized.
(-) There may be some quibbles on the wife’s behavior in respect to typical domestic violence victims, but one must remember this is *not* a typical end to the scenario, or there would be a lot more real life instances of this.
Weapons: One .38 cal. revolver, most probably a J-frame .38 special. Fatalities: One well-deserved
(+) Oh, *that* kind of sandwich. Excellent building, only does not really hook at the beginning. The revenge-porn is a shock at the end, but a *good* shock. Well-constructed and characterized.
(-) There may be some quibbles on the wife’s behavior in respect to typical domestic violence victims, but one must remember this is *not* a typical end to the scenario, or there would be a lot more real life instances of this.
Weapons: One .38 cal. revolver, most probably a J-frame .38 special. Fatalities: One well-deserved
You Didn’t Ask — A — First reaction: Talking heads. Oh, no
(+) Subverts my expectations of a boring story fairly quick and makes a brisk back and forth between the wish-er and the wish-ee. This could have so easily gone to heck. Good work keeping it perky.
(-) Still, it doesn’t jump out and grab attention. It’s *there* and good, but it feels talkie-talkie.
Now, off subject. I have to pass on a story about our D&D group. Slo Jin the Wu Jin wound up with a wish from a Djinn. He ordered it to bring him the most powerful magic staff it could find. Djinn goes away. Comes back with a magic staff with a skeletal arm attached to it. Drops it at Slo Jin’s feet and vanishes.
Two weeks later, he finds out the Djinn went to the most powerful Lich he could locate, grabbed his staff and and announced, “I have been ordered by Slo Jin the Wu Jin, who lives at the large red building in the north castle complex of King Wittigas the Lame and is normally found out in the garden early in the morning, to take this staff away from you!”
Actions have consequences.
(+) Subverts my expectations of a boring story fairly quick and makes a brisk back and forth between the wish-er and the wish-ee. This could have so easily gone to heck. Good work keeping it perky.
(-) Still, it doesn’t jump out and grab attention. It’s *there* and good, but it feels talkie-talkie.
Now, off subject. I have to pass on a story about our D&D group. Slo Jin the Wu Jin wound up with a wish from a Djinn. He ordered it to bring him the most powerful magic staff it could find. Djinn goes away. Comes back with a magic staff with a skeletal arm attached to it. Drops it at Slo Jin’s feet and vanishes.
Two weeks later, he finds out the Djinn went to the most powerful Lich he could locate, grabbed his staff and and announced, “I have been ordered by Slo Jin the Wu Jin, who lives at the large red building in the north castle complex of King Wittigas the Lame and is normally found out in the garden early in the morning, to take this staff away from you!”
Actions have consequences.
For Want of a Clean Sandwich — A — First reaction: Hey, I’ve been in that sandwich shop… once.
(+) Excellent hook, great building to a crescendo. Stark realism and believability.
(-) (ok, maybe the ending was a little over the top, but funny)
Weapon count: Knife, bonfire. Fatalities: 1
(+) Excellent hook, great building to a crescendo. Stark realism and believability.
(-) (ok, maybe the ending was a little over the top, but funny)
Weapon count: Knife, bonfire. Fatalities: 1
The Sandwitch — A- — First reaction: Hey, a typo. Oh, wait.
(+) Really well put together and characterized, with a fairly good build, but it kinda-sorta peaks at the sandwitch reveal. Although I liked the end.
(-) No hook, and it drags in spots.
(+) Really well put together and characterized, with a fairly good build, but it kinda-sorta peaks at the sandwitch reveal. Although I liked the end.
(-) No hook, and it drags in spots.
A Regrettable Incident — A — First reaction: Woe is me, a refugee from the social safety net.
(+) Good job on building up the character, wonderful job on the setting and trickling in the history of the character as it went on. Smooth, slick, and descriptive.
(-) Somewhat of a jarring end, seemingly done more for shock value than story purposes, but still logically consistent.
Weapons: Knife. Fatalities: one
(+) Good job on building up the character, wonderful job on the setting and trickling in the history of the character as it went on. Smooth, slick, and descriptive.
(-) Somewhat of a jarring end, seemingly done more for shock value than story purposes, but still logically consistent.
Weapons: Knife. Fatalities: one
You’d Think She’d Have Seen This Coming — B+ — First reaction: Huh?
(+) Well-constructed, although the King is a erratic weirdo, but that’s probably the way he’s supposed to be. Seems to be working it’s way up to an Arabian Nights style story and...
(-) I don’t get it. There’s supposed to be some clever pun or play on words at the end, I think, but it went right over my head.
Weapons: A sword. Fatalities: Lots, although only one happens on-camera
(+) Well-constructed, although the King is a erratic weirdo, but that’s probably the way he’s supposed to be. Seems to be working it’s way up to an Arabian Nights style story and...
(-) I don’t get it. There’s supposed to be some clever pun or play on words at the end, I think, but it went right over my head.
Weapons: A sword. Fatalities: Lots, although only one happens on-camera
Cooking with Wheeljack — B+ — First reaction: Autobots and cooking. This cannot end well.
(+) Nice work with the banter between the two characters, and pretty fair characterization. Excellent work with the end of the replicator and the result.
(-) Working from zero for most readers with “What does this Autobot look like” so you need to be more descriptive, particularly at the beginning where you need a stronger hook.
Weapons: Wheeljack’s creation. Fatalities: Sandwich(s)
(+) Nice work with the banter between the two characters, and pretty fair characterization. Excellent work with the end of the replicator and the result.
(-) Working from zero for most readers with “What does this Autobot look like” so you need to be more descriptive, particularly at the beginning where you need a stronger hook.
Weapons: Wheeljack’s creation. Fatalities: Sandwich(s)
A New Transaction — B+ — First reaction: Preaching. Legit, but still.
(+) Vivid descriptions, engulfing world building, good emotional hooks as the story progressed.
(-) um, “Bricks churned in my stomach”? Thin plot and preachy. Weak hook at the beginning.
Weapons: Open-carry pistol. Fatalities: None.
(+) Vivid descriptions, engulfing world building, good emotional hooks as the story progressed.
(-) um, “Bricks churned in my stomach”? Thin plot and preachy. Weak hook at the beginning.
Weapons: Open-carry pistol. Fatalities: None.
The Call of the Kitchen — B — First reaction: White bread? You fiend!
(+) Good descriptions, nicely overwrought.
(-) Too short, leaving it feel vaguely incomplete.
(+) Good descriptions, nicely overwrought.
(-) Too short, leaving it feel vaguely incomplete.
Scratch — B- — First reaction: Sandwich making in space. Odd.
(+) An interesting take on a pirate(?) and his last meal request
(-) Jumpy, chunky, and easy to lose interest as the story progresses.
Weapon count: Fusion cannons Fatalities: Unknown, possibly the POV character
(+) An interesting take on a pirate(?) and his last meal request
(-) Jumpy, chunky, and easy to lose interest as the story progresses.
Weapon count: Fusion cannons Fatalities: Unknown, possibly the POV character
Paradise City — C+ — First reaction: Super Sandwich to the rescue! Isn’t there a video game based on this?
(+) Interesting reading, much like the plug sheet for Champions Online, PS238 or one of the various DC/Marvel/Other MMORPGs. Well written and well grammared. (is that a word?)
(-) Not related to the prompt, disjointed.
Weapon count: Spaceship cannon. Fatalities: One president
(+) Interesting reading, much like the plug sheet for Champions Online, PS238 or one of the various DC/Marvel/Other MMORPGs. Well written and well grammared. (is that a word?)
(-) Not related to the prompt, disjointed.
Weapon count: Spaceship cannon. Fatalities: One president
A Sitcom Story — C — First reaction: Pilot episode rejected by the studio before it finished filming
(+) I’m going to assume the stilted dialogue, the plastic scenery, and the erratic pacing is intended. If so, it’s a work of genus. (yes, that’s intentional)
(-) a criminal that sells young women into bondage. Ahem. ‘Who’ not ‘That’
Weapons: a fist. Fatalities: One
(+) I’m going to assume the stilted dialogue, the plastic scenery, and the erratic pacing is intended. If so, it’s a work of genus. (yes, that’s intentional)
(-) a criminal that sells young women into bondage. Ahem. ‘Who’ not ‘That’
Weapons: a fist. Fatalities: One
Look, I Just Want My Sandwich —- D — First reaction: Oh, no. A crackfic.
(+) It is mercifully short. It makes fun of a few interesting tropes, including My Little Dashie.
(-) Everything else.
Weapons: Most of the story. Fatalities: One sandwich and many readers.
(+) It is mercifully short. It makes fun of a few interesting tropes, including My Little Dashie.
(-) Everything else.
Weapons: Most of the story. Fatalities: One sandwich and many readers.
Special mentions not on my slate and finishing:
The Hideous Hambeast — A — First reaction: Hey Mikey! He likes it! (yeah, that’ll date me)
(+) Feeding the picky kid. As a parent, I’ve done that for so many years. Big Bro did well, characters fleshed (sorry) out correctly and vividly, with a start (Need to feed kid) and an end (Kid is fed) to the story and well wrapped up.
(-) Not much to complain about here.
Weapons: A huge knife. Fatalities: One Hideous Hambeast (may it rest in pieces)
Nobody Move — A — First reaction: Joy, a robbery fic. Oh, wait.
(+) Nice work on what it feels like when the adrenaline kicks in. Good work on CC training trumping events and shock.
(-) Seems a little over the top, like a fantasy instead of an event. (then again, it is a story in a writeoff…)
Weapons: Two pistols. Fatalities: One thug.
The Perfect Crime — A — First reaction: Murder mystery in 750 words is going to be tough.
(+) Everything about the setup. Most everything about the security followup. Truly, the TSA of the future is something to marvel at.
(-) Homeopathy? Really?
Weapons: Poison. Fatalities: My sense of belief in mankind’s future.
Total deadly weapons (not counting the last one and the coffee): 12
Fatalities: 7 (8 if you count the donut)
Verdict: What a violent bunch of writers we have here. Next prompt needs to be something like “The Perfect Crime” or “Blood, Blood Everywhere” or “I Would Have Gotten Away With It Too” so you can all take your frustrations out on imaginary victims.
The Hideous Hambeast — A — First reaction: Hey Mikey! He likes it! (yeah, that’ll date me)
(+) Feeding the picky kid. As a parent, I’ve done that for so many years. Big Bro did well, characters fleshed (sorry) out correctly and vividly, with a start (Need to feed kid) and an end (Kid is fed) to the story and well wrapped up.
(-) Not much to complain about here.
Weapons: A huge knife. Fatalities: One Hideous Hambeast (may it rest in pieces)
Nobody Move — A — First reaction: Joy, a robbery fic. Oh, wait.
(+) Nice work on what it feels like when the adrenaline kicks in. Good work on CC training trumping events and shock.
(-) Seems a little over the top, like a fantasy instead of an event. (then again, it is a story in a writeoff…)
Weapons: Two pistols. Fatalities: One thug.
The Perfect Crime — A — First reaction: Murder mystery in 750 words is going to be tough.
(+) Everything about the setup. Most everything about the security followup. Truly, the TSA of the future is something to marvel at.
(-) Homeopathy? Really?
Weapons: Poison. Fatalities: My sense of belief in mankind’s future.
Total deadly weapons (not counting the last one and the coffee): 12
Fatalities: 7 (8 if you count the donut)
Verdict: What a violent bunch of writers we have here. Next prompt needs to be something like “The Perfect Crime” or “Blood, Blood Everywhere” or “I Would Have Gotten Away With It Too” so you can all take your frustrations out on imaginary victims.
I don't have much to add to what's already been said, Author. It was a well written, interesting take on the prompt, but I guess I struggle to stay truly engaged with fics that have such paucity of description. Thanks very much for sharing your work.
More than likely the word count conspiring against you here, Author, but that final third felt very much like you jumping into the fic and brandishing it as a weapon at me. That's probably an unfair assumption to make to be honest, but it does read as more of a sermon than using a narrative to explore a subject. You have made the world surrounding this fic incredibly interesting, however, and I enjoyed the other two thirds. Would be intrigued to read again, outside of the current limitations. Thanks for sharing.
I like a good fable, but this was... this was...
... Yeah, this just was.
I smiled at the end, though, so I guess it worked. Thanks for sharing your work.
... Yeah, this just was.
I smiled at the end, though, so I guess it worked. Thanks for sharing your work.
As an attempt to paint an increasingly bleak (and vivid!) picture of despair, this fic succeeds. I agree that there does feel as though some necessary connections aren't present, and that prevents this story from feeling like a complete whole. There's a lot left to be inferred too and, whilst I don't mind inferring things from a story, I feel that I shouldn't always be having to in this case.
Potent then, but a little too unfulfilling as a story for me. Thanks very much for sharing your work though.
Potent then, but a little too unfulfilling as a story for me. Thanks very much for sharing your work though.
I'll probably try and come back to this one when I have more time on my hands, as I do enjoy my poetry and free verse, and it is deserving of more comprehensive feedback. There was a lot to like about this, particularly the subtle way it paints its world, but I felt some of the direct feelings felt quite heavy-handed in comparison.
Like I said, I'll try and come back. But I thought this was pretty darn good. Thanks for sharing.
Like I said, I'll try and come back. But I thought this was pretty darn good. Thanks for sharing.
I have to say, what I expected to see there at the end was a culinary disaster beyond reproach. The overreaction as >>Not_A_Hat said though was so overboard over what it was that I actually let out a loud, short laugh at the reveal of the true extension of the ruined meal. It might be the simple way the character puts it "I can't believe..." is so extremely simple over the rest of the story that it really tickled my fancy.
It does end up being too short however. Through all of it, the only thing that is being said in essence is;
- I don't like how you made this sandwich.
- Whatever.
It's not a story of even half of one, but part of a scene.
It does end up being too short however. Through all of it, the only thing that is being said in essence is;
- I don't like how you made this sandwich.
- Whatever.
It's not a story of even half of one, but part of a scene.
More rapid-fire Ceffy feedback of variable value.
It's an undeniably cute scene even if there isn't too much else going on here. It feels partly as though it's come from the panels of a Calvin and Hobbes sketch, which might be why I smiled so often. Nice job, and thanks for sharing.
It's an undeniably cute scene even if there isn't too much else going on here. It feels partly as though it's come from the panels of a Calvin and Hobbes sketch, which might be why I smiled so often. Nice job, and thanks for sharing.
So Death is a ‘he’?
It's undoubtably amusing, and the final twist was fun. I'm not as fussy as the other commenters, I thought this piece held its own. It's not very ambitious, but the idea is fun and I don't think you could significantly expand without dragging the plot. So good job, within the Minific bounds.
It's undoubtably amusing, and the final twist was fun. I'm not as fussy as the other commenters, I thought this piece held its own. It's not very ambitious, but the idea is fun and I don't think you could significantly expand without dragging the plot. So good job, within the Minific bounds.
Personally, I don't think this needs much more in the way of description; the setting and the excellent dialogue fills in the blanks quite nicely. It was a well written exchange, with a clear set of voices, but you needed to do something with that twist for the story to feel complete. Thanks for sharing your work. I enjoyed this.
I am not really sold on that one. The dialogue was fine but there are many points I found offbeat. First, we never really get to know who the characters are. Second we don't know why they choose to burglar a sandwich shop; I mean, that's not a bank, it's pretty uncommon restaurant have vaults. Third, why would that old cooter barge in at 3 AM asking for a sandwich? Fourth, why the hell did they chose to serve the guy rather than, say, knock him out? Sounded totally contrived to me.
Tl;dr: well written but too many oddities.
Tl;dr: well written but too many oddities.
I’m more with Horizon here. First, there’s this mane who had jarred me out of the fic. Then there is a tense shift here (at least I think so):
I think you should've used the pluperfect (since the moments/experiences you most are past w/r to the narration itself set in the past). Why “it’s” instead of “it was ”?
Apart from those nick picks, great writing throughout.
It’s a very evocative story, with a lot of imagery packed in, and a carefully dosed load of nostalgia. However, I’m still wondering what exactly means the symbolism here. Is that a blend between religion and paganism? It’s not really clear, and it left me pondering. Besides, what’s the point of your protagonist skirting on the line boy/girl?
It was with those fingers that she worked as a weaver for fifty years, with which she gave birth to four children, that she hit my father with whenever he stepped out of line. And it’s those fingers that lifted me up so that I could sit on her lap.
I think you should've used the pluperfect (since the moments/experiences you most are past w/r to the narration itself set in the past). Why “it’s” instead of “it was ”?
Apart from those nick picks, great writing throughout.
It’s a very evocative story, with a lot of imagery packed in, and a carefully dosed load of nostalgia. However, I’m still wondering what exactly means the symbolism here. Is that a blend between religion and paganism? It’s not really clear, and it left me pondering. Besides, what’s the point of your protagonist skirting on the line boy/girl?
Arrrabian Niiiigggghhhttts! Whew! I love Alladdin! Sadly this is not it. Not even Jaffar. Well, I can say, though, that it was entertaining. It was intricate with several twists, that could easily keep my eyes following along the with the next passage on the screen. Now it was highly silly. Not Genie funny or silly, but rather in a more brutish manner of a crazy king crazy reality coming true.
POSITIVES
Complexity-The ever twisting information of this world makes it a must read. From magic to Arabian knighthood and Royal plots, make this a must read. I loved how you would engage us in the traditions and the long, but brief, history of this city. It is a marvel in it’s own right that needs to shine and branch out to truly be a dessert gem. Now this story was so complex, it left little to explain about several facts that surround the entire story. In fact I can hardly tell if it was a medieval timeline, a futuristic land.planet, or just a steampunk world. You could say it’s too complex for being as short as it was. I just didn’t understand, and confusion is the worst thing you can do to your audience.
Imaginative-This world is unique. I wanna travel and experience this created world. To be a part of it’s royal courtings.To see the trials and tribulations of its people. I want to see this world! What we got to see was a mad king and something about a stick. Which ends up to yet another death of an individual looking to make lives equal. While it had me completely glued to the pages, I couldn’t help but divert my eyes and cringe at how easily this piece just went from over the top. It gets really silly and doesn’t really play the part well for making this mad king look like a successful one. Which with your limit and the prompt, we all can see why.
NEGATIVES
Off Topic-Sandwich? No literally, I can almost completely guess who you are because you actually did as you said, and ignored the prompt entirely. To do your own thing without actually bringing the idea into your work. Okay I’ll admit that takes “cahones”. Which I can see why you just had fun with it and did your thing. If it wasn’t for the rules of this contest you would have landed high up for my vote on most creative! In fact the only reason this is listed as such is because it’s missing it’s sandwich when it really doesn’t need one. This is more of a positive from my side, because I really hated the prompt as well. In the end though, it just doesn’t follow the rules so, have to dock some brownie points. Now offside, you won a ton with me! Thank you, for just being you author!
Comedy-I really didn’t feel like you delivered very well on the comedic nature of the story. In fact your punchline was so silly and so well hidden, I’m sure it flew over other peoples’ heads as well as my own. I just couldn’t seem to muster anything else but a smile from how silly it is to craft a single stick for such a long time. Or how a perverted king was able to keep his throne. The ending just ends on a “WTF?!” moment for me. Everything you concocted just seemed to suddenly fall from it’s place with how strangely the events occur. I’m sure that without the comedic parts this story would have been grand to read. Just right now I don’t think you have the room to write it well enough right now in this contest.
Did the king get away with his heinous acts? Did the rebels ever trump the tyrant king? Will Look-eye ever find love?! Will the desert sorceress ever find her puppy?! Tune in next time to the next Bleach/Naruto/Dragonball Z!
All in all you wrote a good read here, that just needs some snipping away at and more time to create your lovely work of art into a soulful piece of reading. I do however want more out of this story and I look forward to reading even more of your works.
Last time on Fairy Tail/One Piece! Remedy vows to fulfill justice!
Remedy: Super Star Power Activate! (Sailor Pose)
Watashi wa watashi no shukuteki o taoshimasu!!!
POSITIVES
Complexity-The ever twisting information of this world makes it a must read. From magic to Arabian knighthood and Royal plots, make this a must read. I loved how you would engage us in the traditions and the long, but brief, history of this city. It is a marvel in it’s own right that needs to shine and branch out to truly be a dessert gem. Now this story was so complex, it left little to explain about several facts that surround the entire story. In fact I can hardly tell if it was a medieval timeline, a futuristic land.planet, or just a steampunk world. You could say it’s too complex for being as short as it was. I just didn’t understand, and confusion is the worst thing you can do to your audience.
Imaginative-This world is unique. I wanna travel and experience this created world. To be a part of it’s royal courtings.To see the trials and tribulations of its people. I want to see this world! What we got to see was a mad king and something about a stick. Which ends up to yet another death of an individual looking to make lives equal. While it had me completely glued to the pages, I couldn’t help but divert my eyes and cringe at how easily this piece just went from over the top. It gets really silly and doesn’t really play the part well for making this mad king look like a successful one. Which with your limit and the prompt, we all can see why.
NEGATIVES
Off Topic-Sandwich? No literally, I can almost completely guess who you are because you actually did as you said, and ignored the prompt entirely. To do your own thing without actually bringing the idea into your work. Okay I’ll admit that takes “cahones”. Which I can see why you just had fun with it and did your thing. If it wasn’t for the rules of this contest you would have landed high up for my vote on most creative! In fact the only reason this is listed as such is because it’s missing it’s sandwich when it really doesn’t need one. This is more of a positive from my side, because I really hated the prompt as well. In the end though, it just doesn’t follow the rules so, have to dock some brownie points. Now offside, you won a ton with me! Thank you, for just being you author!
Comedy-I really didn’t feel like you delivered very well on the comedic nature of the story. In fact your punchline was so silly and so well hidden, I’m sure it flew over other peoples’ heads as well as my own. I just couldn’t seem to muster anything else but a smile from how silly it is to craft a single stick for such a long time. Or how a perverted king was able to keep his throne. The ending just ends on a “WTF?!” moment for me. Everything you concocted just seemed to suddenly fall from it’s place with how strangely the events occur. I’m sure that without the comedic parts this story would have been grand to read. Just right now I don’t think you have the room to write it well enough right now in this contest.
Did the king get away with his heinous acts? Did the rebels ever trump the tyrant king? Will Look-eye ever find love?! Will the desert sorceress ever find her puppy?! Tune in next time to the next Bleach/Naruto/Dragonball Z!
All in all you wrote a good read here, that just needs some snipping away at and more time to create your lovely work of art into a soulful piece of reading. I do however want more out of this story and I look forward to reading even more of your works.
Last time on Fairy Tail/One Piece! Remedy vows to fulfill justice!
Remedy: Super Star Power Activate! (Sailor Pose)
Watashi wa watashi no shukuteki o taoshimasu!!!
There are currently three stories with only 3 reviews. I've already reviewed Rain, but I'm going to review the other two before prelims end. Can someone else give Rain its fourth review?
Let's talk about that first sentence. This feels kind of nitpicky, but if there's any line worth picking nits about, it's your first sentence. You only get one chance to make a first impression, and you want to come out as strong as you possibly can.
Those four words establish two things: that we're in first-person present tense, inside the narrator's head; and that the narrator is delivering their line in such a manner as to cause sadness. "Drearily" is a strange adverb to apply to yourself in first person: it basically means in a manner provoking sadness, so you are describing not your own emotion, but the effect it is having on others. It's even stranger in present tense, when the narrator is not able to tell the tale in hindsight, and doesn't know how the audience is going to react. On top of that, we're already getting a whole constellation of impressions from "wheeze", none of which imply sadness to me, and the combination comes across oddly.
Fortunately, the language in this picks up quickly:
That's a particularly lovely turn of phrase, among others throughout. And the repetition of checking the clock is powerful.
As >>Monokeras says, the strength here is the atmosphere, and it works just fine without a story arc. But while I do like the reveal, it doesn't feel to me like this delivers it gracefully; the speaker of the third paragraph from the end comes out of nowhere, and there's not really any reason in context why he would deliver that information to the narrator. It's purely an audience reveal, camouflaged somewhat by the fragmentary nature of the text. That's probably my biggest hesitation here: for all that this is showy and subtle in the way it uses its descriptions, the core of the story just sort of sledgehammers in. Regardless, on the strength of the prose this is nudging up against the lower end of my Top Contenders.
Tier: Solid
Let's talk about that first sentence. This feels kind of nitpicky, but if there's any line worth picking nits about, it's your first sentence. You only get one chance to make a first impression, and you want to come out as strong as you possibly can.
“Ma'am?” I wheeze drearily.
Those four words establish two things: that we're in first-person present tense, inside the narrator's head; and that the narrator is delivering their line in such a manner as to cause sadness. "Drearily" is a strange adverb to apply to yourself in first person: it basically means in a manner provoking sadness, so you are describing not your own emotion, but the effect it is having on others. It's even stranger in present tense, when the narrator is not able to tell the tale in hindsight, and doesn't know how the audience is going to react. On top of that, we're already getting a whole constellation of impressions from "wheeze", none of which imply sadness to me, and the combination comes across oddly.
Fortunately, the language in this picks up quickly:
Her eyes are lopsided—just like her nametag and half as greasy.
That's a particularly lovely turn of phrase, among others throughout. And the repetition of checking the clock is powerful.
As >>Monokeras says, the strength here is the atmosphere, and it works just fine without a story arc. But while I do like the reveal, it doesn't feel to me like this delivers it gracefully; the speaker of the third paragraph from the end comes out of nowhere, and there's not really any reason in context why he would deliver that information to the narrator. It's purely an audience reveal, camouflaged somewhat by the fragmentary nature of the text. That's probably my biggest hesitation here: for all that this is showy and subtle in the way it uses its descriptions, the core of the story just sort of sledgehammers in. Regardless, on the strength of the prose this is nudging up against the lower end of my Top Contenders.
Tier: Solid
Crivens, this looks like a story about an old croft in the highlands.
The weather opening, as underlined by Horizon, is underwhelming: either go for a full tempest, describing an apocalyptic weather, or add something to boost the sense of immediate danger.
Tense shifts: the (young) guy speaks in the present and is being answered in the past. It's a bit jarring.
I feel the choice of words is somewhat too formal (‘informed’, ‘We reached an agreement ’, ‘uneven consistency’ – no kidding? – ‘eliminated’, etc.) to echo an inner thought.
This excerpt is a sort of parangon of what’s going on here: the use of ‘mishap’ and, in general, the description of the house is fine, yet this is marred by a sudden shift to present tense as well as a double ‘by’ clause, the last of which you could easily have dispensed with (we know he judged ‘by the look of it’ since he hasn’t entered yet!).
In all, the English sounds clunky in places. Your prose lacks a bit of fluidity.
The end is – well – shoehorned and irrelevant. You keep saying us the guy wanted a shelter for the night, then suddenly he claims he only wanted a sandwich. Even with the reference to the 4th wall, it doesn’t add up, and therefore we get the feeling that all the setup here is only meant to humour the prompt. Not very effective.
The weather opening, as underlined by Horizon, is underwhelming: either go for a full tempest, describing an apocalyptic weather, or add something to boost the sense of immediate danger.
Tense shifts: the (young) guy speaks in the present and is being answered in the past. It's a bit jarring.
I feel the choice of words is somewhat too formal (‘informed’, ‘We reached an agreement ’, ‘uneven consistency’ – no kidding? – ‘eliminated’, etc.) to echo an inner thought.
A small, two storey mishap of wood and stone held together by sheer stubbornness by the look of it, but far be from me to criticise when help is being offered so readily, especially when the alternative is sleeping in a park.
This excerpt is a sort of parangon of what’s going on here: the use of ‘mishap’ and, in general, the description of the house is fine, yet this is marred by a sudden shift to present tense as well as a double ‘by’ clause, the last of which you could easily have dispensed with (we know he judged ‘by the look of it’ since he hasn’t entered yet!).
In all, the English sounds clunky in places. Your prose lacks a bit of fluidity.
The end is – well – shoehorned and irrelevant. You keep saying us the guy wanted a shelter for the night, then suddenly he claims he only wanted a sandwich. Even with the reference to the 4th wall, it doesn’t add up, and therefore we get the feeling that all the setup here is only meant to humour the prompt. Not very effective.
The entity across him, more light silhouette than entity, took another swig from his beer then left the bottle floating in mid-air.
For some reason I can't help but picture this.
I liked this one well enough when I understood what was going on, but as >>Baal Bunny says, this has some context problems. It starts out setting up a conflict at some length about him not getting the sandwich he wants, and then suddenly there's a new character on the scene who solves the problem before even being introduced, and if they're all sitting in the same room together I don't understand why he would have made such a big deal of the food when she was in the process of making him some.
Theo froze. Just being close to her sent chills down his spine. What would his parents say when they saw her! ...
This paragraph strongly implies that he's reacting as if this is the first time he'd seen her, but if so, I don't understand how he knows (in advance of her arrival) that the genie got the wording wrong.
"Do you know what happens in stories with witches? People around them end up dead or transformed to pigs!"
"Hansel and Gretel." The girl crossed her arms.
"Huh?" Theo blinked.
"In that story the witch dies."
If you're trying to prove that witches and mundane humans can peacefully coexist, a story where the witch is murdered probably isn't your best counterexample.
On the bright side, the reversal at the end (of the witch suffering from the same genie problem) is cute. This is a much better story after it settles down from the cold open.
Tier: Almost There
I'm impressed, both with how much this does inside such a compressed word limit and with how true-to-life it reads. The stereotypes and cliches of dysfunctional dynamics are an easy trap to fall into, and this story handles that risk well, avoiding it quite effectively and coming across as honesty and insight about difficult and complex truths rather than playing it cheap for easy drama.
I have no problem with adherence to the prompt. Given the relative difficulty I think many people had in finding something interesting in this particular one, that it was incorporated as a thematic element, even if the plot was not overtly centered around it, is enough for me.
I also don't have any complaints about feeling as if there were unresolved threads or ambiguity about the narrator's situation. What was going on seemed pretty self-evident to me. That does require some willingness to fill in the gaps as a reader about some things, but given the word limit, what to include and what to leave implied or unsaid is a balance any author is going to have to strike and I think this story does it well.
I have no problem with adherence to the prompt. Given the relative difficulty I think many people had in finding something interesting in this particular one, that it was incorporated as a thematic element, even if the plot was not overtly centered around it, is enough for me.
I also don't have any complaints about feeling as if there were unresolved threads or ambiguity about the narrator's situation. What was going on seemed pretty self-evident to me. That does require some willingness to fill in the gaps as a reader about some things, but given the word limit, what to include and what to leave implied or unsaid is a balance any author is going to have to strike and I think this story does it well.
I'll have to echo what other reviewers said above: the punchline was given away far too quickly and easily to feel satisfying by the time I reached the end.
Good job on building an over-the-top setup, but aside from the problem that it's sort of lost on the obvious ending, I feel as if it should have either been played with more subtle realism, if this was supposed to sound serious to contrast with the triviality of their target, or played to even more riotous absurdity for more consistent comedic effect through satirizing the common cliches of military porn, if that was the intent. As currently written, the fact that I'm having trouble telling which was intended leaves me feeling like it needs a lot of refining in one of those two directions.
Good job on building an over-the-top setup, but aside from the problem that it's sort of lost on the obvious ending, I feel as if it should have either been played with more subtle realism, if this was supposed to sound serious to contrast with the triviality of their target, or played to even more riotous absurdity for more consistent comedic effect through satirizing the common cliches of military porn, if that was the intent. As currently written, the fact that I'm having trouble telling which was intended leaves me feeling like it needs a lot of refining in one of those two directions.
A well written, descriptive and amusing joke, this. It's not my preferred style of prose by any means, but I can appreciate good writing when I see it. I'd agree that the central plot is in need of more development, however. Thanks for sharing your work.
This one didn't do much for me, unfortunately. As a concept, it was a good take on the prompt, but in execution and character development and exploration for some deeper theme and meaning, it felt superficial. All we see is the surface events, and of just a single scene. There's a moral at the end of the story, but it's one that's a bit of a cliche (both in traditional fairy tales and in more modern fantasy gaming / nerd culture) and something that should be a very complex issue - magic - isn't being explored in a deeper sense than the simple presentation of a moral imperative.
Still, I understand that these things can be very hard to accomplish in a minific format, so don't feel bad. I think that to fully fill out what a story like this needs probably just requires more space than there is work with here.
Still, I understand that these things can be very hard to accomplish in a minific format, so don't feel bad. I think that to fully fill out what a story like this needs probably just requires more space than there is work with here.
Huh, so I ended up enjoying this a whole lot more than I thought I was going to from the opening paragraph. A nice subtle story behind the methodology and the general space antics, and I thought you managed to successfully imply a whole lot more of a world than we saw here, which I was impressed with. That works in your favour, because I do think the narrative style may have potentially outstayed its welcome had the fic been much longer. As it stands, it was intriguing and entertaining. Thanks for sharing.
>>horizon
Yeah, that...
I see some clever here, sure, but I find it hard to like something that purports to disrespect the entire contest itself. If you go meta with a story, you have a really, really hard mountain to climb. Don't jump into the shark pit if you aren't prepared. This... It went deep meta and fails horribly. Sorry, but them's the breaks.
Oh hey I hit 400 words.
On the other hand. :\
Yeah, that...
I see some clever here, sure, but I find it hard to like something that purports to disrespect the entire contest itself. If you go meta with a story, you have a really, really hard mountain to climb. Don't jump into the shark pit if you aren't prepared. This... It went deep meta and fails horribly. Sorry, but them's the breaks.
More witchery! I approve of this.
There are things about this fic that I think work pretty well. The implication of a wider world outside of the immediate story succeeds for the most part in building richness and depth (although I think some aspects were a little clunky in their insertion) and the short scenes succeed in telling a complete story effectively. There are further aspects that perhaps could have been enhanced (Lul's father's motivations and reasons for those changing), and it feels as though the minific doesn't quite support the amount of character depth you are bringing to your principle cast. Fewer players, perhaps, might have helped here. Thanks for sharing your work.
There are things about this fic that I think work pretty well. The implication of a wider world outside of the immediate story succeeds for the most part in building richness and depth (although I think some aspects were a little clunky in their insertion) and the short scenes succeed in telling a complete story effectively. There are further aspects that perhaps could have been enhanced (Lul's father's motivations and reasons for those changing), and it feels as though the minific doesn't quite support the amount of character depth you are bringing to your principle cast. Fewer players, perhaps, might have helped here. Thanks for sharing your work.
Another fic trying to attempt something a little different with the prompt; I approve. The opening two lines are pretty weak, though, and didn't really hook me in the way they perhaps should. I also don't think that Alice showed enough signs for Franz-Frank to really interpret the situation the way he does... I think because her motivations and feelings were mainly delivered through her internal dialogue and the parts of her body language we do get didn't feel strong enough to sell the idea.
A decent read though, despite these issues, and Alice felt alive as a character. Thanks for sharing your work.
A decent read though, despite these issues, and Alice felt alive as a character. Thanks for sharing your work.
And that's every fic reviewed and placed. I have to say, I was really impressed with the varied and interesting takes on the prompt this round, particularly given how naturally it leant towards the comedic. I'm sorry that my reviews towards the end weren't as detailed, but real life got in the way somewhat. Still, a big thanks to everyone who shared their work this round. I enjoyed reading your stories, and I wish you the very best of luck in reaching the finals.
Note to self: Spend more than 30 minutes writing your stories.
But yeah in all seriousness I see where you guys are coming from. The idea was good but the execution was flawed.
I'll take your words under advisement with my next attempts.
But yeah in all seriousness I see where you guys are coming from. The idea was good but the execution was flawed.
I'll take your words under advisement with my next attempts.
When I started writing this I felt very confident about it but by the time I finished I realised just how much I had to leave out and how much the remaining ideas would have lifted it up to be a better story.
But hey at least as I practice I slowly improve my skills.
I can honestly say I did much better with the stories this round than my failure last round.
But hey at least as I practice I slowly improve my skills.
I can honestly say I did much better with the stories this round than my failure last round.
>>Winston >>Ceffyl_Dwr
Firstly, congratulations to those who got in to the finals. Each and every one is definitely in the cream of the crop, and there’s even a few that I reckon should be in the finals but regrettably didn’t make it. cough—KwirkyJ—cough
Anyway, back to this story.
The original idea I had in mind was of a person whose entire life felt pointless, a sort of melancholic and meaningless nihilism throughout. As it turned out, I kinda botched the execution: the memories/events weren’t linked in any way and were almost rambly, causing the whole shebang to lack cohesion. And, as it also turned out, depressing stories with no meaningful change by the end aren’t satisfying to read. :(
>>ZaidValRoa >>Not_A_Hat
Woops, I’ve got no excuse there. My bad!
And this ambiguous sentence as well.
>>Xepher
About Mississippi—it was simply what came up when I searched up “boring states”. In other words, I intended it to be the equivalent of “someplace unnotable that nobody cared about”. (Sorry, Mississippians!) I’ll be careful to not put in unintentional Chekhov’s guns like these in the future.
All in all, I learnt a lot from writing this, especially from your feedback—thank you!
A retrospection of sorts
Firstly, congratulations to those who got in to the finals. Each and every one is definitely in the cream of the crop, and there’s even a few that I reckon should be in the finals but regrettably didn’t make it. cough—KwirkyJ—cough
Anyway, back to this story.
The original idea I had in mind was of a person whose entire life felt pointless, a sort of melancholic and meaningless nihilism throughout. As it turned out, I kinda botched the execution: the memories/events weren’t linked in any way and were almost rambly, causing the whole shebang to lack cohesion. And, as it also turned out, depressing stories with no meaningful change by the end aren’t satisfying to read. :(
>>ZaidValRoa >>Not_A_Hat
This is interesting enough, as a sketch of despair. However, some of these words and phrases... 'pave' for example. Paving your way would be laying something down to walk over it. That doesn't make a lot of sense here.
Woops, I’ve got no excuse there. My bad!
"A butter knife was lying on the counter as well, amidst piles upon piles of scrunched-up paper. There was probably even more on the floor. One of them was a guide to making a Hangman’s Noose."
And this ambiguous sentence as well.
>>Xepher
About Mississippi—it was simply what came up when I searched up “boring states”. In other words, I intended it to be the equivalent of “someplace unnotable that nobody cared about”. (Sorry, Mississippians!) I’ll be careful to not put in unintentional Chekhov’s guns like these in the future.
All in all, I learnt a lot from writing this, especially from your feedback—thank you!
Maybe more thoughts on this later (when it's not 5 AM), but: I'm pretty sure that I fell afoul of "don't be subtle in the Writeoffs." Quick straw poll.
This was entirely an interrupted Shaggy Dog Story. The ending joke (and the connection to the prompt) was that the messenger was interrupted in the middle of the prompt drop that the entire story was shamelessly setting up: "The Look-Eye just wanded my sand witch."
Vote this post up if you realized that from the story.
This was entirely an interrupted Shaggy Dog Story. The ending joke (and the connection to the prompt) was that the messenger was interrupted in the middle of the prompt drop that the entire story was shamelessly setting up: "The Look-Eye just wanded my sand witch."
Vote this post up if you realized that from the story.
📣📣📣 ALERT 📣📣📣
MONOKERAS MADE FINALS
Many sincere congratulations!!! :D I know you joined the Writeoffs to improve your English as a non-native speaker, and you've worked a long time to get to where your language wasn't standing in the way. Round after round, you've joked about your low finishes, but you kept picking yourself up and kept improving. This new achievement couldn't happen to a better guy.
And let me be the first to say I told you so. 😇
MONOKERAS MADE FINALS
Many sincere congratulations!!! :D I know you joined the Writeoffs to improve your English as a non-native speaker, and you've worked a long time to get to where your language wasn't standing in the way. Round after round, you've joked about your low finishes, but you kept picking yourself up and kept improving. This new achievement couldn't happen to a better guy.
And let me be the first to say I told you so. 😇
So, short retrospective time. What I wanted was to go with the classic "hyperbole from a disgruntled worker who sees the world around him as a grotesquely deformed gallery of horrors" with the "twist" that it all was an almost literal description of his surroundings. I should probably have made that more explicit. I had even made it more explicit (the "gray wasteland" in the last line was originally a "reddish landscape") but I thought it was a bit too much on the nose:facehoof:
I also tried to put some indications that the narrator wasn't fully aware of the situation, but then was too enamored of the word-count gimmick to expand on that. Let that be another lesson for me.
I experimented with a bit of a different style here, and so I learned that writing prose so purple it eats people will almost certainly backfire. I will have to be a bit more careful next time.
>>tPg
"risible idea" comes from me having misjudged how common a certain word is. It's more common in other languages.
>>ZaidValRoa
But then having some way to express his frustration would lessen his suffering.
>>Not_A_Hat
I think it is more a very weird and awkward sentence construction than a missing word.
>>Ratlab
I should have packed a bit more information in the story. There was a very thin plot relative to the narrator's situation, but I failed to communicate it.
>>horizon
Sorry for the suffering, I tried something here but clearly I overdid it.
>>Xepher
While you didn't like the story, I squeed a little as you said, "The skill in the writing seems at odds to the simplicity of the message."
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
Local real estate is very cheap, you wish commuting was a problem.
Thank you all for the time you took in reviewing this. It has been very useful and, as always, a real pleasure.
I also tried to put some indications that the narrator wasn't fully aware of the situation, but then was too enamored of the word-count gimmick to expand on that. Let that be another lesson for me.
I experimented with a bit of a different style here, and so I learned that writing prose so purple it eats people will almost certainly backfire. I will have to be a bit more careful next time.
>>tPg
"risible idea" comes from me having misjudged how common a certain word is. It's more common in other languages.
>>ZaidValRoa
But then having some way to express his frustration would lessen his suffering.
>>Not_A_Hat
I think it is more a very weird and awkward sentence construction than a missing word.
>>Ratlab
I should have packed a bit more information in the story. There was a very thin plot relative to the narrator's situation, but I failed to communicate it.
>>horizon
Sorry for the suffering, I tried something here but clearly I overdid it.
>>Xepher
While you didn't like the story, I squeed a little as you said, "The skill in the writing seems at odds to the simplicity of the message."
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
Local real estate is very cheap, you wish commuting was a problem.
Thank you all for the time you took in reviewing this. It has been very useful and, as always, a real pleasure.
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>horizon
>>Monokeras
It's an odd thing. I've skipped out of several writeoffs due to not being able to come up with any viable idea when the prompt comes up. So when this one gets selected, I was more than a bit miffed at myself for immediately thinking of a somewhat interesting story to go with it. Good thing that one still is in the running, otherwise this would be awkward.
So... yeah.
While I'll admit that this is transparently a bit of a rant against the silly prompt we got this round, I still tried to make it a somewhat enjoyable read. I seemed to have at least made some people groan in frustration, so I'll count that as a success. ^ ^
I wish I'd spent more than a cursory glance to edit this before submitting. I originally meant this to be closer to the 400 word mark, so as to better deliver the joke, with less strenuous details, but we all saw how that worked out...
I'd still like to thank everyone for the feedback, I'll be sure to take it to heart. The WriteOff's been a great experience, and I'll be sure to participate more often.
Thanks a bunch, once again. Here's hoping my other story fares better.
>>Not_A_Hat
The reader is never directly addressed. The fourth wall remains unbroken, albeit somewhat battered.
>>horizon
>>Monokeras
It's an odd thing. I've skipped out of several writeoffs due to not being able to come up with any viable idea when the prompt comes up. So when this one gets selected, I was more than a bit miffed at myself for immediately thinking of a somewhat interesting story to go with it. Good thing that one still is in the running, otherwise this would be awkward.
So... yeah.
While I'll admit that this is transparently a bit of a rant against the silly prompt we got this round, I still tried to make it a somewhat enjoyable read. I seemed to have at least made some people groan in frustration, so I'll count that as a success. ^ ^
I wish I'd spent more than a cursory glance to edit this before submitting. I originally meant this to be closer to the 400 word mark, so as to better deliver the joke, with less strenuous details, but we all saw how that worked out...
I'd still like to thank everyone for the feedback, I'll be sure to take it to heart. The WriteOff's been a great experience, and I'll be sure to participate more often.
Thanks a bunch, once again. Here's hoping my other story fares better.
>>Not_A_Hat
The reader is never directly addressed. The fourth wall remains unbroken, albeit somewhat battered.
>>Monokeras
To clarify, I hoped that I had been able to convey that the co-pilot had managed to beat the creature back from the cockpit, but was mortally wounded in the process.
The plane is still flying because the autopilot flies the plane basically most of the time with modern aircraft. On the ground the pilots key in the waypoints from the flight plan that the flight director then follows during flight. It saves fuel and makes for a faster and smoother flight. Unless it was turned off, or it got erroneous sensor data and turned itself off, the autopilot would stay on.
And to answer your last question, YES. In the event of a hijacking, there's a reason why the cockpit door is armored. The pilots will never open that door until the plane is on the ground and the police have boarded the aircraft.
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
I wish I had more words to do this with. I believe that the final draft had 900, which I had to cut down to 750...
Some clarifying details were lost, and it would've been nicer to drag the scenes of discovery on longer, because then I might've been able to convey more confusion, fright, and horror.
>>horizon
I should have given more details about the plane being in flight. Perhaps a radio-call from Air Traffic Control asking them to respond, since they've missed their last check-in, and that if they don't respond in the next 10 minutes, some F-16's are going to escort them down.
Tbh, the original, non-cut-down draft followed the depressurization scene more, and it was a little bit longer. The 'rubber jungle' pops out if the cabin is at a low pressure for too long, and the oxygen flow to those masks can be controlled from the cockpit (If there's a fire in the cabin, you don't want to feed it oxygen).
To clarify, I hoped that I had been able to convey that the co-pilot had managed to beat the creature back from the cockpit, but was mortally wounded in the process.
The plane is still flying because the autopilot flies the plane basically most of the time with modern aircraft. On the ground the pilots key in the waypoints from the flight plan that the flight director then follows during flight. It saves fuel and makes for a faster and smoother flight. Unless it was turned off, or it got erroneous sensor data and turned itself off, the autopilot would stay on.
And to answer your last question, YES. In the event of a hijacking, there's a reason why the cockpit door is armored. The pilots will never open that door until the plane is on the ground and the police have boarded the aircraft.
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
I wish I had more words to do this with. I believe that the final draft had 900, which I had to cut down to 750...
Some clarifying details were lost, and it would've been nicer to drag the scenes of discovery on longer, because then I might've been able to convey more confusion, fright, and horror.
>>horizon
I should have given more details about the plane being in flight. Perhaps a radio-call from Air Traffic Control asking them to respond, since they've missed their last check-in, and that if they don't respond in the next 10 minutes, some F-16's are going to escort them down.
Tbh, the original, non-cut-down draft followed the depressurization scene more, and it was a little bit longer. The 'rubber jungle' pops out if the cabin is at a low pressure for too long, and the oxygen flow to those masks can be controlled from the cockpit (If there's a fire in the cabin, you don't want to feed it oxygen).
>>Remedyfortheheart
Hey, thanks for the review. Sorry 'bout the late reply. Been busy.
And yes, I did kinda drop the ball towards the end, partially on account of the word limit, but mostly because I couldn't think of a better way to end the story based on where I had taken the narration. Had I had my way with things, I would have had the two characters interact via gestures and mental images that hinted at a grander conflict between the two, one that had gone on since time immemorial. I also would have dropped flashbacks to the main character's past lives in between the travel. So much I could have added to spice things up.
All in all, though, I think I really enjoyed writing this. Glad you liked the description parts, though. It's kind of what I pride myself in.
Hey, thanks for the review. Sorry 'bout the late reply. Been busy.
And yes, I did kinda drop the ball towards the end, partially on account of the word limit, but mostly because I couldn't think of a better way to end the story based on where I had taken the narration. Had I had my way with things, I would have had the two characters interact via gestures and mental images that hinted at a grander conflict between the two, one that had gone on since time immemorial. I also would have dropped flashbacks to the main character's past lives in between the travel. So much I could have added to spice things up.
All in all, though, I think I really enjoyed writing this. Glad you liked the description parts, though. It's kind of what I pride myself in.
>>Not_A_Hat
Had the word limit not been so short, you would have seen something far, far deeper. As is, I'm actually proud I managed to get out what I did with so few words.
Had the word limit not been so short, you would have seen something far, far deeper. As is, I'm actually proud I managed to get out what I did with so few words.
>>Monokeras
This story as meant to be Lovecraft inspired, not outright Lovecraft lore friendly. I did consider dropping more references, including an outright confirmation that our main character gained his abilities due to being a resident of the Dreamlands, but in the end, I abstained from it, mostly due to the fact that I was short of space. If only the word limit had been larger.
Still, glad you enjoyed what you enjoyed. Makes me happy all the same.
This story as meant to be Lovecraft inspired, not outright Lovecraft lore friendly. I did consider dropping more references, including an outright confirmation that our main character gained his abilities due to being a resident of the Dreamlands, but in the end, I abstained from it, mostly due to the fact that I was short of space. If only the word limit had been larger.
Still, glad you enjoyed what you enjoyed. Makes me happy all the same.
>>ZaidValRoa
Your idea was actually one of my first versions of this. Then I quickly realized that it was taking way too many words (the meeting alone went past 1k words). I had to scale this down massively. In truth, what was posted was maybe only 10% of the originally planned story.
Your idea was actually one of my first versions of this. Then I quickly realized that it was taking way too many words (the meeting alone went past 1k words). I had to scale this down massively. In truth, what was posted was maybe only 10% of the originally planned story.
This Sandwich Is Amazing (AKA "The One That Is a Maze")
This story's biggest problem is that there does not seem to be any way to use monospaced fonts in the writeoff. Well, the biggest problem might have been that I couldn't think of any other ideas, but the font one was a close second.
I've wanted to try to include some sort of ASCII art in a writeoff for a while, and this seemed like a fairy simple way to do it. I knew going into this that it wouldn't work on mobile devices, but I decided that that was an acceptable loss. But I completely forgot that this site lets you choose between a serif and a sans-serif font to display stories in. I have it set to the sans-serif font, so that's what I built this to work in. But it seems that most people have it set to the serif font, probably because that's the default. I promise that it looks better if you switch to sans-serif.
>>Haze
I know, but I have learned to never trust the people around here to be familiar with anything, so I used a = because it looks more like a sandwich. I tried to think up a joke about sandwiches and rings to include, but I couldn't come up with anything.
>>Ratlab
I would have liked to include more things like that, but I couldn't think of a good way to make it work.
>>ZaidValRoa
I certainly wouldn't mind getting it, but that wasn't my goal. And I doubt this story was that controversial. It probably mostly got a lot of low votes and abstentions. Now if there was a "most abstained story" award, I might get that.
>>horizon
Nope! I didn't hide any text this time.
And thank you to the rest of my readers and commenters as well.
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Oblomov
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Chryssi
>>georg
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>Monokeras
Oh, and apparently this was the most commented on story in the prelims. I guess that's an accomplishment.
This story's biggest problem is that there does not seem to be any way to use monospaced fonts in the writeoff. Well, the biggest problem might have been that I couldn't think of any other ideas, but the font one was a close second.
I've wanted to try to include some sort of ASCII art in a writeoff for a while, and this seemed like a fairy simple way to do it. I knew going into this that it wouldn't work on mobile devices, but I decided that that was an acceptable loss. But I completely forgot that this site lets you choose between a serif and a sans-serif font to display stories in. I have it set to the sans-serif font, so that's what I built this to work in. But it seems that most people have it set to the serif font, probably because that's the default. I promise that it looks better if you switch to sans-serif.
>>Haze
I know, but I have learned to never trust the people around here to be familiar with anything, so I used a = because it looks more like a sandwich. I tried to think up a joke about sandwiches and rings to include, but I couldn't come up with anything.
>>Ratlab
I would have liked to include more things like that, but I couldn't think of a good way to make it work.
>>ZaidValRoa
I certainly wouldn't mind getting it, but that wasn't my goal. And I doubt this story was that controversial. It probably mostly got a lot of low votes and abstentions. Now if there was a "most abstained story" award, I might get that.
>>horizon
Nope! I didn't hide any text this time.
And thank you to the rest of my readers and commenters as well.
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Oblomov
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Chryssi
>>georg
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>Monokeras
Oh, and apparently this was the most commented on story in the prelims. I guess that's an accomplishment.
Scratch
or
Cooking for Impressionable, Young Space Pirates
I suspect I might have placed better had I named it the latter, but the experience has probably been more educational as-is.
So, thank you, >>ZaidValRoa >>Not_A_Hat >>Chryssi >>Icenrose >>Xepher >>georg, and >>Ceffyl_Dwr for your feedback.
As my alternate name may indicate, I was trying to pay homage to Bad Horse's Bedtime Stories for Impressionable Young Colts and Fillies. I'm curious, did anyone actually notice?
Looking at the feedback I got and comparing my fic to Bad Horse's approach, I have some ideas of where I stumbled, at least. For example, several of the reviews described Scratch as second person. It wasn't, or at least I envisioned it as showing one half of a dialog between third parties (the Captain and an impressionable, young space pirate).
I think much of this problem arose from me not defining the characters well enough, whereas Bad Horse spent a few brilliant paragraphs in the beginning to establish the players and their roles.
I also appreciate the comments on the late realization of the sci-fi setting. On reflection, I could've changed the beer names to fix that, which would also have helped address >>Icenrose's issue of over-referencing.
Definitely a learning experience, but I'm glad some folks enjoyed it nonetheless.
Oh, and that's a legitimate bread recipe. Almost no-knead bread - delicious!
or
Cooking for Impressionable, Young Space Pirates
I suspect I might have placed better had I named it the latter, but the experience has probably been more educational as-is.
So, thank you, >>ZaidValRoa >>Not_A_Hat >>Chryssi >>Icenrose >>Xepher >>georg, and >>Ceffyl_Dwr for your feedback.
As my alternate name may indicate, I was trying to pay homage to Bad Horse's Bedtime Stories for Impressionable Young Colts and Fillies. I'm curious, did anyone actually notice?
Looking at the feedback I got and comparing my fic to Bad Horse's approach, I have some ideas of where I stumbled, at least. For example, several of the reviews described Scratch as second person. It wasn't, or at least I envisioned it as showing one half of a dialog between third parties (the Captain and an impressionable, young space pirate).
I think much of this problem arose from me not defining the characters well enough, whereas Bad Horse spent a few brilliant paragraphs in the beginning to establish the players and their roles.
I also appreciate the comments on the late realization of the sci-fi setting. On reflection, I could've changed the beer names to fix that, which would also have helped address >>Icenrose's issue of over-referencing.
Definitely a learning experience, but I'm glad some folks enjoyed it nonetheless.
Oh, and that's a legitimate bread recipe. Almost no-knead bread - delicious!
>>Not_A_Hat
>>ZaidValRoa
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>Monokeras
Beelzebub's Koala
Wherein an alien radiolithovore attacks the first Mars colony.
Not_A_Hat got it mostly right, only missing the very subtle clues that the planet may not have been Earth, specifically: environment suits for the creatures outside, the colder mantle (lack of geologic activity), and the sudden arrival of a singular source of such purity… Probe RTGs don't count because plutonium instead of uranium (or something). Zaid's perspective does not fit with the facts, but upon reading the 'actual koala with attitude' idea, I had a good smile. Ceffyl, I realize in hindsight that 'drunk' is a poor word choice given the creature's reality, but its being a bit loopy makes sense from (1) eating a huge meal after starving for millennia or eons and (2) that meal being of the richest and purest concentration of radioisotopes it has ever encountered. For Monokeras, I posit that its physical appearance is irrelevant beyond what its features (claws, presumably a mouth) facilitate to the story; given liberty of another few thousands words, I might be convinced to include some more descriptors… however, you are correct that the story is hollow, if not exactly lacking.
This was a 'try to approach the prompt from an abstract perspective to re-interpret its meaning' and falling short in a number of ways. To begin with, my final prompt was several hundred words over and was even feeling incomplete in that state (as Mono observed)--I tightened things down, but the core issue was not able to be remedied in the time- and word-constrained situation.
There was never the idea of Lovecraft while writing, but I was cognizant of some of the themes of Ray Bradbury's "The One Who Waits". A friend over skype commented that the creature bore similarities to Lovecraft's Bokrug and Suthoggua (typos not mine).
I am not surprised this one fell up flat, but I didn't feel like I had a strong idea to work with in the first place. Had I another few thousand words, I'd probably get into the creature's head and make the confrontation with the human colonists a more reflective--I had originally intended to have more of it being thoroughly bemused by the things as it carried on to carve open a fission reactor.
Finally, thank you all for reading, and especially those who made the time to leave their comments on this experiment.
Yet further evidence that subtlety and/or experimentation is a dangerous gamble in WriteOffs….
>>ZaidValRoa
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>Monokeras
Beelzebub's Koala
Wherein an alien radiolithovore attacks the first Mars colony.
Not_A_Hat got it mostly right, only missing the very subtle clues that the planet may not have been Earth, specifically: environment suits for the creatures outside, the colder mantle (lack of geologic activity), and the sudden arrival of a singular source of such purity… Probe RTGs don't count because plutonium instead of uranium (or something). Zaid's perspective does not fit with the facts, but upon reading the 'actual koala with attitude' idea, I had a good smile. Ceffyl, I realize in hindsight that 'drunk' is a poor word choice given the creature's reality, but its being a bit loopy makes sense from (1) eating a huge meal after starving for millennia or eons and (2) that meal being of the richest and purest concentration of radioisotopes it has ever encountered. For Monokeras, I posit that its physical appearance is irrelevant beyond what its features (claws, presumably a mouth) facilitate to the story; given liberty of another few thousands words, I might be convinced to include some more descriptors… however, you are correct that the story is hollow, if not exactly lacking.
This was a 'try to approach the prompt from an abstract perspective to re-interpret its meaning' and falling short in a number of ways. To begin with, my final prompt was several hundred words over and was even feeling incomplete in that state (as Mono observed)--I tightened things down, but the core issue was not able to be remedied in the time- and word-constrained situation.
There was never the idea of Lovecraft while writing, but I was cognizant of some of the themes of Ray Bradbury's "The One Who Waits". A friend over skype commented that the creature bore similarities to Lovecraft's Bokrug and Suthoggua (typos not mine).
I am not surprised this one fell up flat, but I didn't feel like I had a strong idea to work with in the first place. Had I another few thousand words, I'd probably get into the creature's head and make the confrontation with the human colonists a more reflective--I had originally intended to have more of it being thoroughly bemused by the things as it carried on to carve open a fission reactor.
Finally, thank you all for reading, and especially those who made the time to leave their comments on this experiment.
Yet further evidence that subtlety and/or experimentation is a dangerous gamble in WriteOffs….
>>KwirkyJ
I'd say on the contrary that the WriteOff is the ideal place to experiment because of the first grade feedback you get. Of course, that does not mean that every experiment will be successful; however, if it turns out badly, you'll get to know why and even benefit from advice on how to make it work.
Now it's clear that if your goal is to raise in the scoreboard, you better play safe and stay in the main path rather than explore the byways.
You know, you can't have your sandwich and eat it :P
Yet further evidence that subtlety and/or experimentation is a dangerous gamble in WriteOffs….
I'd say on the contrary that the WriteOff is the ideal place to experiment because of the first grade feedback you get. Of course, that does not mean that every experiment will be successful; however, if it turns out badly, you'll get to know why and even benefit from advice on how to make it work.
Now it's clear that if your goal is to raise in the scoreboard, you better play safe and stay in the main path rather than explore the byways.
You know, you can't have your sandwich and eat it :P
I have little to add here to what has already been said. There are a few typos/missing commas/tense shifts, but nothing worth digging into.
The witch character seems adorable and pert, much like the witches out of the old Bewitched show. You just left one big question unanswered: how will the boy's parents react? First, you explicitly mention the boy being antsy about his parents reaction, then you blithely avance to a “let's go shop a poodle tomorrow”. What if… :P
The witch character seems adorable and pert, much like the witches out of the old Bewitched show. You just left one big question unanswered: how will the boy's parents react? First, you explicitly mention the boy being antsy about his parents reaction, then you blithely avance to a “let's go shop a poodle tomorrow”. What if… :P
A very funny premise in potentia, but... Execution (no pun intended) fails a bit here. If he gives her a peanut allergy, and she eats peanut butter, does she not choke? I get, from the end, that she's immune to all things because of a deal with the devil, but that's not portrayed strongly enough before then. If she's immortal, have her fail to die in a fire or some such... something that is more clearly "impossible" so that the explanation at the end makes more sense.
Technicalities aside, I did enjoy the characterization of Death. There's an aloofness here that works as "personable" and that should be played up more.
Technicalities aside, I did enjoy the characterization of Death. There's an aloofness here that works as "personable" and that should be played up more.
I can't and won't judge English poetry. So while I'll abstain, I felt that some rhymes were very well coined, but others seemed to be a little shoehorned to fit into the mould. This is legit zany, but I'm left wondering if some of the zaniness is intentional or dictated by the laws of poetry. In other words, if your words wait on the idea, or if you had to tweak the idea to pander to the words.
I'm having trouble reconciling my reading of this with the previous reviewers comments. Many others seem to like it, yet... to me this is very poorly written. I don't think that reflects on the author, just their choices. It's not skill lacking here, but rather the direction the story goes is, to me, a failure.
My take on this was basically the Dursley house from Harry Potter. There's an asshole kid throwing a sandwich on the ground, and the mom is all "Oh, he's just finicky" and makes another. Then the girl is cutting herself. "That's fine too." It's basically a litany of teenage angst. We're still seeing the outside perspective though, which repeats the "Mom is saying," phrase even more, at which point I was thinking the narrator sounds mentally handicapped.
Eventually, we are told literally "I was just a kid" and yet... the pattern continues. "We send her texts... we send her texts... we drink craft beer." I know others will disagree, but I don't think a fallible narrator ("I was just a kid") excuses this repetition.
The title seems to try to reach for something. The story itself says it was the wrong word. To say the title is the wrong word, yet not tell us why it was wrong or what the "right" word actually is seems like a bait and switch. You're saying the title itself should have been important, but actually isn't. That feels cheap. If you want to use a very, very odd word like "Corpuscular" then it needs to mean something. See "Chekhov's Gun" for why that matters.
This is possibly the harshest review I've given this contest. I want to make it clear that I'm critiquing this story itself, not the author. I think there were some deliberate choices made here that are, to me, wrong... but I don't think the author is lacking in skill. I also think a lot of this is (obviously) a matter of taste. As noted, the previous reviewers all seemed quite positive, so take my words with a grain of salt. If you want the tl;dr; it's basically that this is such a cliche version of "dysfunctional family" that playing it as anything other than comedy/parody just doesn't work for me.
My take on this was basically the Dursley house from Harry Potter. There's an asshole kid throwing a sandwich on the ground, and the mom is all "Oh, he's just finicky" and makes another. Then the girl is cutting herself. "That's fine too." It's basically a litany of teenage angst. We're still seeing the outside perspective though, which repeats the "Mom is saying," phrase even more, at which point I was thinking the narrator sounds mentally handicapped.
Eventually, we are told literally "I was just a kid" and yet... the pattern continues. "We send her texts... we send her texts... we drink craft beer." I know others will disagree, but I don't think a fallible narrator ("I was just a kid") excuses this repetition.
The title seems to try to reach for something. The story itself says it was the wrong word. To say the title is the wrong word, yet not tell us why it was wrong or what the "right" word actually is seems like a bait and switch. You're saying the title itself should have been important, but actually isn't. That feels cheap. If you want to use a very, very odd word like "Corpuscular" then it needs to mean something. See "Chekhov's Gun" for why that matters.
This is possibly the harshest review I've given this contest. I want to make it clear that I'm critiquing this story itself, not the author. I think there were some deliberate choices made here that are, to me, wrong... but I don't think the author is lacking in skill. I also think a lot of this is (obviously) a matter of taste. As noted, the previous reviewers all seemed quite positive, so take my words with a grain of salt. If you want the tl;dr; it's basically that this is such a cliche version of "dysfunctional family" that playing it as anything other than comedy/parody just doesn't work for me.
There are some English idioms you'll have to explain to me.
You totally erred by stating "one million" kilometres, because your journey at a 0.5g boost would take only six hours (t = sqrt (distance/boost)), and that realisation alone means all the spiel about food and weight is irrelevant, since you wouldn't take any food for a six-hour flight anyway (or maybe a simple snack). Take that distance to "a billion" and we shall talk :)
[Max velocity reached is 50 kmps which is well inside Newtonian approximation.]
[Besides, my own math says the extra energy is only on the order of 150 MJ, which is ridiculous.]
Tier: misaimed :)
I really don’t see why the company doesn’t put it in the budget to something good every now and then.(put it … to …)
outputted
a comfortable cruising speed of half a g…Not speed, boost.
You totally erred by stating "one million" kilometres, because your journey at a 0.5g boost would take only six hours (t = sqrt (distance/boost)), and that realisation alone means all the spiel about food and weight is irrelevant, since you wouldn't take any food for a six-hour flight anyway (or maybe a simple snack). Take that distance to "a billion" and we shall talk :)
[Max velocity reached is 50 kmps which is well inside Newtonian approximation.]
[Besides, my own math says the extra energy is only on the order of 150 MJ, which is ridiculous.]
Tier: misaimed :)
Hmm.
Food at a viewing seems odd to me. The only funeral I've really attended here in the western world separated those into viewing/wake, so the food wasn't in the same room as the casket.
But... maybe that's done differently in some places.
I wish I had a better idea of what's going on in the MC's head here. Whatever it is, it's clearly important and affecting her strongly. Unfortunately, I'm not picking up clues on what it might be, and I wish I was. As it is, I don't know that her actions are really very... sensible? I mean, I accept them, but I'd like to get a handle on why she's doing what she's doing.
Food at a viewing seems odd to me. The only funeral I've really attended here in the western world separated those into viewing/wake, so the food wasn't in the same room as the casket.
But... maybe that's done differently in some places.
I wish I had a better idea of what's going on in the MC's head here. Whatever it is, it's clearly important and affecting her strongly. Unfortunately, I'm not picking up clues on what it might be, and I wish I was. As it is, I don't know that her actions are really very... sensible? I mean, I accept them, but I'd like to get a handle on why she's doing what she's doing.
This is a cute enough piece of drama, but even I was a bit skeptical when you mentioned boosting at a half-g the entire way, and didn't mention any reaction mass.
If you're curious about writing hard sci-fi rocket ships, I'd suggest looking into project rho.
(Wow, that's evolved a lot since I initially stumbled across it.)
If you're not interested in writing hard sci-fi rockets, consider doing a bit more handwaving and using a hyperspace drive or something?
Honestly, though, given space travel and what, I'd expect these people to be treated rather better. Sure, a company wants to make all the profit it can. But if space travel is common, they should have either resigned themselves to the inconvenience or fixed it, and if it's not common, they should be valuable enough specialists that they're not going to be eating slop. There might be a sweet spot in there somewhere, where new enterprises are trying their very best to be competitive and space is interesting enough you'd get people willing to sign on for a worse ride... I dunno. I'm not picky enough to mark this down too heavily for any one nitpick, I guess, but this is spun as if it was hard sci-fi, and... I've got a lot of nitpicks.
...oh, and a kilo of 99.994% pure 'deuterium oxide' (heavy water) currently costs about 7520US$, according to Google.
If you're curious about writing hard sci-fi rocket ships, I'd suggest looking into project rho.
(Wow, that's evolved a lot since I initially stumbled across it.)
If you're not interested in writing hard sci-fi rockets, consider doing a bit more handwaving and using a hyperspace drive or something?
Honestly, though, given space travel and what, I'd expect these people to be treated rather better. Sure, a company wants to make all the profit it can. But if space travel is common, they should have either resigned themselves to the inconvenience or fixed it, and if it's not common, they should be valuable enough specialists that they're not going to be eating slop. There might be a sweet spot in there somewhere, where new enterprises are trying their very best to be competitive and space is interesting enough you'd get people willing to sign on for a worse ride... I dunno. I'm not picky enough to mark this down too heavily for any one nitpick, I guess, but this is spun as if it was hard sci-fi, and... I've got a lot of nitpicks.
...oh, and a kilo of 99.994% pure 'deuterium oxide' (heavy water) currently costs about 7520US$, according to Google.
I think what's most amusing to me here is that this guy is thinking 'it's the perfect crime', even though he's apparently been doing this for weeks. I get this picture of him gloating and smugging every afternoon, while dripping water onto someone's sandwich. :P
Anyways, yeah, that last half/third really causes problems with the infodump. It would be better, I think, if you could somehow move that to the first half of the story, I think, but... I'm not sure how you'd go about doing that.
Still, this was pretty entertaining, all told.
Anyways, yeah, that last half/third really causes problems with the infodump. It would be better, I think, if you could somehow move that to the first half of the story, I think, but... I'm not sure how you'd go about doing that.
Still, this was pretty entertaining, all told.
Seems like the talking heads are out in force this round - and they'd doing fairly well for it.
This was a pretty fun story, even if it does leave things on a somewhat loose note. It's nothing super compelling, but it's cute, it's complete, and it's silly, and I like it for all of that.
Good work!
This was a pretty fun story, even if it does leave things on a somewhat loose note. It's nothing super compelling, but it's cute, it's complete, and it's silly, and I like it for all of that.
Good work!
For a jokefic, this one's pretty good. The escalation works, I think, although it's kinda a repetition and it might be a bit over-the-top at the end, which I'm guessing was for the sake of getting that line by Trump into the story. Still, I snickered a few times.
...Dubs, was this you? Because someone's getting literary.
Actually, I enjoyed this on the whole. However, I didn't really have any idea of what the MC was like until a good ways in, since the opening description was literally equivocation about gender, and it's first-person and what.
Moreover, I'm a bit skeptical about the point of the whole thing. We get: Picked on -> given a cloak -> happily ever after or something? The bonding with her grandmother was nice, but the issue of being picked on (the only conflict in the story, as far as I can tell) is never actually cleared up, and what the cloak really means (how it helps with being picked on, since it seems to be presented as an answer to that) isn't elucidated on. It's simply presented at the end as a keepsake.
This was well-written, but seems structurally unsound to me.
Actually, I enjoyed this on the whole. However, I didn't really have any idea of what the MC was like until a good ways in, since the opening description was literally equivocation about gender, and it's first-person and what.
Moreover, I'm a bit skeptical about the point of the whole thing. We get: Picked on -> given a cloak -> happily ever after or something? The bonding with her grandmother was nice, but the issue of being picked on (the only conflict in the story, as far as I can tell) is never actually cleared up, and what the cloak really means (how it helps with being picked on, since it seems to be presented as an answer to that) isn't elucidated on. It's simply presented at the end as a keepsake.
This was well-written, but seems structurally unsound to me.
The lettuce is crisp and the meat is fresh and the cheese is exactly the right kind of piquant?
http://princessbridequotes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/MiracleMax.jpg
...and ROUS? Hmm...
Well, I thought this was pretty good on the whole. The bit with the rat at the end seemed... rather forced to me, the whole dramatic statement/realization thing the two of them do. But on the whole this was engaging and entertaining, if not, perhaps, particularly deep.
A jokefic with not one, but two jokes in it? Nice!
I can't help but try to string some sort of narrative together here, between this, "Where's My Sand, Witch?" and "The Sandwitch".
On the whole, this is excellent work. It's paced well, the descriptions are elegant and economical, and the characterization is crisp. A few sentences could use some polishing, though, and it ends up feeling somewhat shallow, but eh. That's a jokefic for you, I guess.
I can't help but try to string some sort of narrative together here, between this, "Where's My Sand, Witch?" and "The Sandwitch".
On the whole, this is excellent work. It's paced well, the descriptions are elegant and economical, and the characterization is crisp. A few sentences could use some polishing, though, and it ends up feeling somewhat shallow, but eh. That's a jokefic for you, I guess.
Eh... This story feels like it's using a sledge when it just needs a tap. I realize that your chosen plot isn't very large, which is something of an advantage in the minific round, but the first 2/3rds or so of the story really seem to belabor the 'abuse' point so hard it ends up feeling melodramatic and filler-ish. Still, the descriptions are pretty, the repetition works well (until it doesn't) and the whole thing is a very nice little package, so this definitely does several things right.
The choice of words is grand.
But besides that I don't know what to think about the story. Is this a send-up of sorts? Have you written that skit to rub in that sitcoms are lame, something we already know? :P Do you have another, more mysterious and concealed purpose? That you should never trust your lover, even after months of common life, especially when someone knocks at the door?
In any case, the takeaway for me is that aunties are weak antagonists. Whatever their name.
But besides that I don't know what to think about the story. Is this a send-up of sorts? Have you written that skit to rub in that sitcoms are lame, something we already know? :P Do you have another, more mysterious and concealed purpose? That you should never trust your lover, even after months of common life, especially when someone knocks at the door?
In any case, the takeaway for me is that aunties are weak antagonists. Whatever their name.
I get a strong feeling of pervading... well, perhaps idiocy isn't the right word, but... something being severely wrong with the way everyone's thinking here. Perhaps that's the point, and you're portraying what a mentally ill family is like?
I'm not sure I can conclude that, though, because the ending seems entirely directionless to me.
Consider this: "I was wrong about a lot of things." Alright, that's nice I guess, but... who cares? The narrator doesn't draw any conclusions in the preceding to be 'wrong' about. It's bare description. They're probably wrong about that one paragraph where everyone's on the ceiling and stuff (is the MC's illness hallucinations?) but is being wrong about that important enough to get it's own dramatic paragraph? Because everything else seems pretty straightforwards.
Secondly, "We assume we’re pretty good people, pretty decent sorts of people." The MC, as far as I can tell, does literally nothing before that last scene break except watch and run and cry. This line should be an important statement, but there's no way to judge it, because... we know nearly nothing about the MC. If you want me to feel something about this line, I'd need some way to decide if it's weighty or ridiculous or even has bearing on the story. As it is, it seems entirely hollow.
Should I be assuming that the MC is just as screwed up as everyone else? Should I be laying the blame for 'being screwed up' at the MC's feet, as if it somehow makes them not a 'pretty decent sort of person' despite their seeming normalcy, as if living day-to-day life isn't about 'trying to be normal, despite life screwing you over'? I have no idea what you're aiming for here, so the best I can give you is a 'meh'.
Perhaps someone who enjoys angst for itself would like it despite that. What I'm seeing here, author, are some evocative scenes. What I'm not seeing is a story, any way in which they actually connect together in order to mean something.
>>Ceffyl_Dwr Given the severe lack of connective tissue in this story, you could read the scenes in any random order and it would make just as much sense as it does now. I don't particularly think that's a good thing.
I'm not sure I can conclude that, though, because the ending seems entirely directionless to me.
Consider this: "I was wrong about a lot of things." Alright, that's nice I guess, but... who cares? The narrator doesn't draw any conclusions in the preceding to be 'wrong' about. It's bare description. They're probably wrong about that one paragraph where everyone's on the ceiling and stuff (is the MC's illness hallucinations?) but is being wrong about that important enough to get it's own dramatic paragraph? Because everything else seems pretty straightforwards.
Secondly, "We assume we’re pretty good people, pretty decent sorts of people." The MC, as far as I can tell, does literally nothing before that last scene break except watch and run and cry. This line should be an important statement, but there's no way to judge it, because... we know nearly nothing about the MC. If you want me to feel something about this line, I'd need some way to decide if it's weighty or ridiculous or even has bearing on the story. As it is, it seems entirely hollow.
Should I be assuming that the MC is just as screwed up as everyone else? Should I be laying the blame for 'being screwed up' at the MC's feet, as if it somehow makes them not a 'pretty decent sort of person' despite their seeming normalcy, as if living day-to-day life isn't about 'trying to be normal, despite life screwing you over'? I have no idea what you're aiming for here, so the best I can give you is a 'meh'.
Perhaps someone who enjoys angst for itself would like it despite that. What I'm seeing here, author, are some evocative scenes. What I'm not seeing is a story, any way in which they actually connect together in order to mean something.
>>Ceffyl_Dwr Given the severe lack of connective tissue in this story, you could read the scenes in any random order and it would make just as much sense as it does now. I don't particularly think that's a good thing.
...huh. I guess this is like Orbiting Kettle's "Just Another Shift"? With this one, though, I did cue properly on it actually being hell. That being said, I'd have liked that reveal to have a little more foreshadowing. As it is, the only thing I picked up on was the clock not moving... and even that can be dismissed, since the hubbub described could, conceivably, fit into the three or four minutes most analogue clocks could be described as 'pointing at the twelve'.
You certainly do a good job of setting a tone here. It's just so very disjointed, I guess. That it works as well as it does, even with that, is a mark for it, I think.
You certainly do a good job of setting a tone here. It's just so very disjointed, I guess. That it works as well as it does, even with that, is a mark for it, I think.
Seriously, just get the kid some Life Cereal.
This was cute and silly and didn't try to be any more than that. It captured Mikey's character well, and had some smile-worthy moments. It's nothing super deep; but it's very good for what it is, and I think that's worth a fair amount.
This was cute and silly and didn't try to be any more than that. It captured Mikey's character well, and had some smile-worthy moments. It's nothing super deep; but it's very good for what it is, and I think that's worth a fair amount.
>>ZaidValRoa The maze gets lots of comments because it's easy to comment on.
Well, I can try, I guess. some bits here worked really well for me. The repetition at the beginning/end, the bits with rhythm to them, on the bike. The bit with the struck-through words kinda jarred me, though I'm not sure why.
This seems to reference Pandora's Box, which is interesting. I'd never considered 'hope' being a danger in and of itself, before, but it's clever now that you've brought it up. The thing is, though, that I feel like it's actually 'haste' that kills him here.
Well, I can try, I guess. some bits here worked really well for me. The repetition at the beginning/end, the bits with rhythm to them, on the bike. The bit with the struck-through words kinda jarred me, though I'm not sure why.
This seems to reference Pandora's Box, which is interesting. I'd never considered 'hope' being a danger in and of itself, before, but it's clever now that you've brought it up. The thing is, though, that I feel like it's actually 'haste' that kills him here.
Well, I'm done with my reading/reviewing/voting. If anyone's interested in a little egalitarianism, these are the fics that, by my count, only have five reviews while everything else has six+.
Nobody Move
Seven O'Clock Sharper
The Perfect Crime
My Kingdom for a Snack
A Regrettable Incident
Nobody Move
Seven O'Clock Sharper
The only thing:
That gave me pause was Our Narrator blithely asking this little kid to get him the big carving knife. This becomes less of a concern the older Mikey is, but we're not told his age: Our Narrator's, yes, but not the kid brother's. If there's a big age disparity between the two, that's something you could expand on, author, if you wanted to expand this out and make it more than cute and fluffy. Still, it's a nice piece.
Mike
That gave me pause was Our Narrator blithely asking this little kid to get him the big carving knife. This becomes less of a concern the older Mikey is, but we're not told his age: Our Narrator's, yes, but not the kid brother's. If there's a big age disparity between the two, that's something you could expand on, author, if you wanted to expand this out and make it more than cute and fluffy. Still, it's a nice piece.
Mike
I absolutely love the twist here. Homeopathy as a poison, and therefore a miserably failing assassin. But... the reveal/twist feels poorly executed. We need more lead-in to see it coming. The audience feels smarter if they've almost figured it out themselves before the reveal. Here, the reveal is just a big info dump from an external perspective. Maybe show things from the first characters perspective as he does the research, or maybe as he's diluting the antivenom, at least enough to make us feel "that's odd" before the scene cut and infodump.
Interesting take on an (not so old) American past. Atmosphere, as the others pointed out, stands out here.
There are some strange images (‘languid strides’ was one, it sounded almost oxymoronic to me) and maybe some words lost into descriptions that are secondary to the plot.
But I agree that character development is unbalanced, between the proprietor and the patron. It's hard to strike the right balance with so few words — reason why perhaps you should've been a little more skimpy on the descriptions and used the freed amount of words to develop the white guy's part.
Nothing that can't be fixed by a light edition and an further expansion.
There are some strange images (‘languid strides’ was one, it sounded almost oxymoronic to me) and maybe some words lost into descriptions that are secondary to the plot.
But I agree that character development is unbalanced, between the proprietor and the patron. It's hard to strike the right balance with so few words — reason why perhaps you should've been a little more skimpy on the descriptions and used the freed amount of words to develop the white guy's part.
Nothing that can't be fixed by a light edition and an further expansion.
This was a bit rough to start with, as the hook came a tad late and it took me a bit to get my bearings on what was going on. However, it improved more or less linearly as the story progressed. I had to smirk at the idea of a ghost sandwich, and a guy wanting revenge on it for killing him. That said, maybe you should have had the client choke on the sandwich, rather than have a heart attack, as then the "unfinished business" and the need to destroy the sandwich would be stronger. I'd also suggest making it clear a tad earlier that they're helping people pass on.
Overall, I really enjoyed this. The bit with the rat was a nicely humanizing touch as well.
Overall, I really enjoyed this. The bit with the rat was a nicely humanizing touch as well.
An amusing hook to start with, having to pretend nothing is wrong during a robbery. But it doesn't do much for me beyond that. I wanted the old man to turn out to be a retired cop or something, and end up talking them into giving up a life of crime or something. His story, about eat a sandwich to remember his dead wife... so disconnected from the main plot line that I can't really credit it with being part of the same story.
Overall, fun hook, but doesn't do much with it.
Overall, fun hook, but doesn't do much with it.
This is a very well written scene, showcasing emotion and family connections in a way that makes it stand out. However, there isn't much of a story to take away here. I can't say what the "thesis statement" of it would be.
The messaging about Santa Muerte is rather mixed as well. That she protects against sadness, but is a saint of death... it's not explained how or why this is relevant to the main character. She's shown as having typical children's problems, but is writing in a way that seems pretty upbeat and pleased to have her abuela with her as well.
Overall, excellent and concise evocation of both character and scene, but the plot doesn't do much.
The messaging about Santa Muerte is rather mixed as well. That she protects against sadness, but is a saint of death... it's not explained how or why this is relevant to the main character. She's shown as having typical children's problems, but is writing in a way that seems pretty upbeat and pleased to have her abuela with her as well.
Overall, excellent and concise evocation of both character and scene, but the plot doesn't do much.
The end looks somewhat disjointed from the rest, I mean spelling-wise. There's a straight quote in “it's” whereas you use curled quotes everywhere else and Russel with a missing final l. Could it be that you were in a hurry?
The plot is fine and the escalation fun, but I agree the end went over the countertop. I can't imagine anyone looking at the guy immolating himself without trying to reason or subdue him. And the last section feels out of place and shoehorned. It comes out of left field and feels so shoehorned it kills all the previous fun. Bummer.
The plot is fine and the escalation fun, but I agree the end went over the countertop. I can't imagine anyone looking at the guy immolating himself without trying to reason or subdue him. And the last section feels out of place and shoehorned. It comes out of left field and feels so shoehorned it kills all the previous fun. Bummer.
I agree with Mike here. Your child is not consistent. He needs a nurse, but can still walk (unimpeded) through the castle. I wouldn't expect the door of the King's private apartment to be unguarded. Your child also seems to understand and reason like a grown-up but utters only simple sentences. This causes a sort of cognitive dissonance. At least, it's not consistent.
I am, contrarily to the others, only lukewarm with this one. I mean, it's not bad, but the idea of the daring trip by a small child facing an imaginary danger is a trope that has been used a lot in the WriteOff, and while it is always endearing, it's beginning to be cut-and-dried.
I am, contrarily to the others, only lukewarm with this one. I mean, it's not bad, but the idea of the daring trip by a small child facing an imaginary danger is a trope that has been used a lot in the WriteOff, and while it is always endearing, it's beginning to be cut-and-dried.
I have little to say that has not been said by the previous commenters. Some details: I wouldn't expect the PM's adviser to listen to radio using earbuds. Oysters, foie gras and caviar form a ragtag set of food items; Besides, I don't think it's a really good idea to eat oysters (nor caviar) in a car. You know, potholes and humps.
The rest is as the others said: the opening is somewhat bland, but helps underlining the feeling of solitude and detachment/aloofness which pervades the whole story.
The rest is as the others said: the opening is somewhat bland, but helps underlining the feeling of solitude and detachment/aloofness which pervades the whole story.
The awkwardness made me think of The Big Bang theory. It's a fun read, but the fic is overly telly, because you deliver the same information twice: once describing Alice's body language and once more by explicitly telling us what she thinks, which is pointless. We should infer that from the dialogue and the body language alone.
Otherwise I agree that knocking at one's neighbour's door at night to ask for parmeggiano is one of the stupidest idea to break the ice, even if said neighbour is a hunk/dish.
Otherwise I agree that knocking at one's neighbour's door at night to ask for parmeggiano is one of the stupidest idea to break the ice, even if said neighbour is a hunk/dish.
The only thing I'll add:
To the pot here is the bacon on the BLT being neither kosher nor halal. So eating it will be seen as a slap in the face to certain segments of the electorate. :)
Of course, getting into all that will send the story spinning off into a stronger sort of satire than you might be interested in, author, but if you're going to venture into the politics of food, you've gotta be prepared to get mustard on your necktie. As it were...
Mike
To the pot here is the bacon on the BLT being neither kosher nor halal. So eating it will be seen as a slap in the face to certain segments of the electorate. :)
Of course, getting into all that will send the story spinning off into a stronger sort of satire than you might be interested in, author, but if you're going to venture into the politics of food, you've gotta be prepared to get mustard on your necktie. As it were...
Mike
My only suggestion:
Would be to give us more of the other people in the city so we can see what the relative percentage of Steves to Serges is. You could do this by showing us the people who give Serge a coin during the day and those who don't and by showing us how many other destitute folks share the streets with him.
Mike
Would be to give us more of the other people in the city so we can see what the relative percentage of Steves to Serges is. You could do this by showing us the people who give Serge a coin during the day and those who don't and by showing us how many other destitute folks share the streets with him.
Mike