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And Perhaps Coffee, Too
The room was filled with chatter. People catching up after not seeing each other for months or years at the time, sharing memories and old stories. Some laughed, some smiled, some just sat staring at the middle of the room. There was a shared air of sadness to them.
Not me, though. I just wanted my sandwich. Then I could leave.
I sat there, trying my hardest not to catch anyone’s attention. Hopefully this wouldn’t last too long, I had better things to do than staying the whole afternoon. Maybe none came to mind right now, but I was sure I could think of something once I was out. Once someone gave me my sandwich, I could get over this entire ordeal and leave.
I squirmed in my seat. Not too much, though. I was just cold, I knew I should have brought a bigger jacket. Then again, I didn’t expect to stay for as long as I did.
Rubbing my hands against each other seemed to do the trick; for the time being, at least. I wondered if I could get a cup of coffee, too. Though that would probably require standing up. And talking to people. And all that would entail.
Nobody paid me any mind. Good. I kept to myself, rubbing my hands against each other.
If I had to wait, I better find something to entertain myself. Despite my best efforts, I let out a soft chuckle when I though what he may have said to lighten up the mood.
I shook my head, as though that would help. Why were they taking so long? How hard can it be to take a some bread and put something in them?
“Glad you could make it, Sarah”
There was a part of me that was happy to see him, I suppose, but there was another, larger part of me that wished he hadn’t noticed me. Still, he did, so there was no point in trying to blend in anymore.
“Hi, Jamie.”
He leaned forward, but halted midway through. He probably was going for a hug before thinking better of it. I wouldn’t have minded, if only because of the cold.
“It’s good to see you here,” he said with a smile. One that didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“You already said that,” I replied. “It’s good to see you, too.”
I meant that, I really did. I omitted the here, though.
“You had the chance to talk with anyone?”
“No.”
He doubted, not sure if he should say something. He still did. “I’m sure everyone would love to talk, it’s been a while.”
“I won’t be staying much longer, I have plans,” I said back. I didn’t say will but he knew.
He looked away. He tried to keep smiling, but I knew better. I didn’t mean to hurt him, it’s just that I will have plans for tonight. Most likely.
“Did you—”
“I’m waiting for my sandwich,” I cut him off.
“What?”
That caught him off guard. I just pointed at the kitchen door, where aunt Lily stepped out carrying a tray of little sandwiches. About time. No coffee, though.
“Oh… I should tell you they’re heavy on avocadoes.”
Of course. He knew I hated avocadoes, it wouldn’t surprise me if he asked them to serve avocado sandwiches because of that.
“Guess that’s it, then,” I said, standing up. “See you, later, Jamie.”
“Sarah, wait.” He wasn’t loud. Loud enough for me to hear, but not so much so anyone else could. “Did you at least say goodbye?”
This was something I couldn’t skip, it seemed.
“Want to go together?”
I nodded. May as well make it quick.
He stood up, but waited for me to take the first step. Maybe he was afraid I’d walk away if he wasn’t watching. Can’t say it wasn’t tempting.
We walked to the centre of the room and stood just a few steps away.
“Dad knew I hated avocadoes,” I said.
Jamie shrugged. “It was his way of teasing you, you’re the only one in the family who doesn’t like them.”
I lay a hand over the casket, doing my best to keep calm.
“You don’t have to play strong, sis,” Jamie said.
“But I do,” I say as I ignore the wet sensation on my cheeks.
He wrapped his arm over me and pulled me closer. “Let’s get you that sandwich.”
“No avocadoes,” I say between silent sobs.
“Wouldn’t think of it,” he smiled. And he meant it.
Not me, though. I just wanted my sandwich. Then I could leave.
I sat there, trying my hardest not to catch anyone’s attention. Hopefully this wouldn’t last too long, I had better things to do than staying the whole afternoon. Maybe none came to mind right now, but I was sure I could think of something once I was out. Once someone gave me my sandwich, I could get over this entire ordeal and leave.
I squirmed in my seat. Not too much, though. I was just cold, I knew I should have brought a bigger jacket. Then again, I didn’t expect to stay for as long as I did.
Rubbing my hands against each other seemed to do the trick; for the time being, at least. I wondered if I could get a cup of coffee, too. Though that would probably require standing up. And talking to people. And all that would entail.
Nobody paid me any mind. Good. I kept to myself, rubbing my hands against each other.
If I had to wait, I better find something to entertain myself. Despite my best efforts, I let out a soft chuckle when I though what he may have said to lighten up the mood.
I shook my head, as though that would help. Why were they taking so long? How hard can it be to take a some bread and put something in them?
“Glad you could make it, Sarah”
There was a part of me that was happy to see him, I suppose, but there was another, larger part of me that wished he hadn’t noticed me. Still, he did, so there was no point in trying to blend in anymore.
“Hi, Jamie.”
He leaned forward, but halted midway through. He probably was going for a hug before thinking better of it. I wouldn’t have minded, if only because of the cold.
“It’s good to see you here,” he said with a smile. One that didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“You already said that,” I replied. “It’s good to see you, too.”
I meant that, I really did. I omitted the here, though.
“You had the chance to talk with anyone?”
“No.”
He doubted, not sure if he should say something. He still did. “I’m sure everyone would love to talk, it’s been a while.”
“I won’t be staying much longer, I have plans,” I said back. I didn’t say will but he knew.
He looked away. He tried to keep smiling, but I knew better. I didn’t mean to hurt him, it’s just that I will have plans for tonight. Most likely.
“Did you—”
“I’m waiting for my sandwich,” I cut him off.
“What?”
That caught him off guard. I just pointed at the kitchen door, where aunt Lily stepped out carrying a tray of little sandwiches. About time. No coffee, though.
“Oh… I should tell you they’re heavy on avocadoes.”
Of course. He knew I hated avocadoes, it wouldn’t surprise me if he asked them to serve avocado sandwiches because of that.
“Guess that’s it, then,” I said, standing up. “See you, later, Jamie.”
“Sarah, wait.” He wasn’t loud. Loud enough for me to hear, but not so much so anyone else could. “Did you at least say goodbye?”
This was something I couldn’t skip, it seemed.
“Want to go together?”
I nodded. May as well make it quick.
He stood up, but waited for me to take the first step. Maybe he was afraid I’d walk away if he wasn’t watching. Can’t say it wasn’t tempting.
We walked to the centre of the room and stood just a few steps away.
“Dad knew I hated avocadoes,” I said.
Jamie shrugged. “It was his way of teasing you, you’re the only one in the family who doesn’t like them.”
I lay a hand over the casket, doing my best to keep calm.
“You don’t have to play strong, sis,” Jamie said.
“But I do,” I say as I ignore the wet sensation on my cheeks.
He wrapped his arm over me and pulled me closer. “Let’s get you that sandwich.”
“No avocadoes,” I say between silent sobs.
“Wouldn’t think of it,” he smiled. And he meant it.
Good imagery and mood, particularly the body language throughout; it was detailed without being overwrought. It was too subtle for me at times; her reaction at the end was a little surprising.
Given the detail of the body language, the description of the surroundings was sparse. Possibly intentionally. You might consider using the other senses more.
Prose was generally solid. There were a couple times where the pronouns were confusing, the 'he knew I hated avocados' line comes to mind. I can see why you did it, though. Also, I personally would use 'replied' instead of 'said back'.
A few minor flaws, but overall I found this another nice, understated story that improves on the second read.
Given the detail of the body language, the description of the surroundings was sparse. Possibly intentionally. You might consider using the other senses more.
Prose was generally solid. There were a couple times where the pronouns were confusing, the 'he knew I hated avocados' line comes to mind. I can see why you did it, though. Also, I personally would use 'replied' instead of 'said back'.
A few minor flaws, but overall I found this another nice, understated story that improves on the second read.
Winner, winner, chicken dinner sandwich!
An excellent read, and one that improves with each return. As has already been said, I think the (necessary) withholding of information trips up some of the prose, and for me the last two lines aren't as effective as I was perhaps hoping for, but they are minor quibbles. A few typos too, but this has just made the top of my list, and I have a sneaking suspicion it might be staying there.
Thanks for sharing your work.
An excellent read, and one that improves with each return. As has already been said, I think the (necessary) withholding of information trips up some of the prose, and for me the last two lines aren't as effective as I was perhaps hoping for, but they are minor quibbles. A few typos too, but this has just made the top of my list, and I have a sneaking suspicion it might be staying there.
Thanks for sharing your work.
Definitely required a second read to understand some things. On the first time through, a lot of the things like "I omitted the here" make zero sense, as we've not been told where we are at all. As she's expecting a sandwich, it seems almost certain its a restaurant of some kind. Having that unclear until near the end makes my brain's "movie" of most of the story completely invalid until a second reading. There's also some confusion with the pronoun "he." As we see the narrator chuckle thinking of what "he would might have said to lighten the mood' and then Jaime shows up and she thinks "There was a part of me that was happy to see him," using the pronoun before we're given a name, and so it absolutely feels like this is the same "he."
I appreciate stories that are worth a re-read, but I also feel all stories should make sense on the first read, and not REQUIRE a second reading to understand at all.
That said, the confusion is really my only complaint on this story. It's otherwise a great use of the prompt and has some well written emotions in it.
I appreciate stories that are worth a re-read, but I also feel all stories should make sense on the first read, and not REQUIRE a second reading to understand at all.
That said, the confusion is really my only complaint on this story. It's otherwise a great use of the prompt and has some well written emotions in it.
Well, I’ve read it twice but I’m still unable to make head or tail of it. It might be what CIG once said: “Don’t try to be too subtle with WriteOff folks”. There’s a lot of good things here, the dialogue feels snappy and natural, but, even beating my brains out, I fail to see what the underpinning plot is.
O Wow. Nevermind. This is a burial, I didn't catch the word “casket” at the first read (sorry for expecting the British “coffin” instead). Okay.
Well, it’s a bit melodramatic: the girl who breaks up with her family but comes back at the burial because she regrets it. Good execution, but I can’t deny I had that knee-jerk reaction “Oh! It’s that”. It’s not bad, just a bit trite.
But don’t fret: the obvious qualities push this up my slate.
O Wow. Nevermind. This is a burial, I didn't catch the word “casket” at the first read (sorry for expecting the British “coffin” instead). Okay.
Well, it’s a bit melodramatic: the girl who breaks up with her family but comes back at the burial because she regrets it. Good execution, but I can’t deny I had that knee-jerk reaction “Oh! It’s that”. It’s not bad, just a bit trite.
But don’t fret: the obvious qualities push this up my slate.
Going to a funeral just for the food? That's cold.
This really, really suffers from lack of context, though; >>Xepher already noted the core of this but I want to go further. Aside from the one cue of the "shared air of sadness" at the beginning, which I initially didn't assign enough importance to, this really felt like some sort of dinner party or reunion. Especially with her being there just for the food. And her complaint about "talking to people", using the vague and generic "people" instead of something like "the rest of the family".
Strongly agreed with Xepher that "he" is overloaded. Until less than 100 words from the end, we are shown exactly one male character. But it was even worse than that for me, since our first text about Jamie is:
He is, basically, introduced in a way that strongly implies some sort of failed relationship even though the reveal tells us that he's her brother. It's not just that one line:
So for the vast majority of the story I was reading about a woman confronting the ex who still loves her at some event like a class reunion. Seriously, reread the story and chop off the final 100 words, everything lines up perfectly with that. And then the reveal just pulled the rug out from underneath all that, and the surprise ending does your emotional impact no favors here — the new context has no bearing on the weight of the actual tragedy (her father's death), and in fact distracts from that tragedy by making Jamie's identity look more central to your story than it actually is. In between that and the general sense of frustrating vagueness, I can see from a distance the moments that do land (like the focus on the chill or the whole thing about avocadoes and the ending), but I just can't feel like this comes together. Sorry, author. I think it'll improve very quickly with editing if you attack that central problem.
Tier: Needs Work
This really, really suffers from lack of context, though; >>Xepher already noted the core of this but I want to go further. Aside from the one cue of the "shared air of sadness" at the beginning, which I initially didn't assign enough importance to, this really felt like some sort of dinner party or reunion. Especially with her being there just for the food. And her complaint about "talking to people", using the vague and generic "people" instead of something like "the rest of the family".
Strongly agreed with Xepher that "he" is overloaded. Until less than 100 words from the end, we are shown exactly one male character. But it was even worse than that for me, since our first text about Jamie is:
There was a part of me that was happy to see him, I suppose, but there was another, larger part of me that wished he hadn’t noticed me. Still, he did, so there was no point in trying to blend in anymore.
He is, basically, introduced in a way that strongly implies some sort of failed relationship even though the reveal tells us that he's her brother. It's not just that one line:
“I won’t be staying much longer, I have plans,” I said back. I didn’t say will but he knew.
He looked away. He tried to keep smiling, but I knew better. I didn’t mean to hurt him …
So for the vast majority of the story I was reading about a woman confronting the ex who still loves her at some event like a class reunion. Seriously, reread the story and chop off the final 100 words, everything lines up perfectly with that. And then the reveal just pulled the rug out from underneath all that, and the surprise ending does your emotional impact no favors here — the new context has no bearing on the weight of the actual tragedy (her father's death), and in fact distracts from that tragedy by making Jamie's identity look more central to your story than it actually is. In between that and the general sense of frustrating vagueness, I can see from a distance the moments that do land (like the focus on the chill or the whole thing about avocadoes and the ending), but I just can't feel like this comes together. Sorry, author. I think it'll improve very quickly with editing if you attack that central problem.
Tier: Needs Work
Hmm.
Food at a viewing seems odd to me. The only funeral I've really attended here in the western world separated those into viewing/wake, so the food wasn't in the same room as the casket.
But... maybe that's done differently in some places.
I wish I had a better idea of what's going on in the MC's head here. Whatever it is, it's clearly important and affecting her strongly. Unfortunately, I'm not picking up clues on what it might be, and I wish I was. As it is, I don't know that her actions are really very... sensible? I mean, I accept them, but I'd like to get a handle on why she's doing what she's doing.
Food at a viewing seems odd to me. The only funeral I've really attended here in the western world separated those into viewing/wake, so the food wasn't in the same room as the casket.
But... maybe that's done differently in some places.
I wish I had a better idea of what's going on in the MC's head here. Whatever it is, it's clearly important and affecting her strongly. Unfortunately, I'm not picking up clues on what it might be, and I wish I was. As it is, I don't know that her actions are really very... sensible? I mean, I accept them, but I'd like to get a handle on why she's doing what she's doing.
My mind jumped to "funeral" at the third sentence, and the fourth sentence confirmed my suspicions.
The room being so cold as to need a heavy jacket seems out of place, but then, it's been a long time since I've been to a funeral that had a viewing, and I'm rather fond of colder temperatures. Is the room being particularly cold during a viewing a common thing? Also, as >>Not_A_Hat pointed out, eating food in the same room as the body seems... odd.
For some reason I assumed Jamie was Sarah's dad's husband at first, and the text didn't really give me a reason to think otherwise until he specifically addressed Sarah as "sis". The relationship between them feels a bit cold for siblings at their father's funeral, even if they were estranged, but grief does funny things to a person. Perhaps they're both older than I initially thought they were.
I certainly empathized with Sarah's persistent desire to be elsewhere and to not be noticed. Talking about the deceased makes their passing more real, and I can't fault her efforts to forestall that for as long as possible. She's in denial, until reality forces her towards acknowledgement of her father's death at the very end. Having her walls break down also bring her closer to her brother was a nice touch.
I felt rooted in Sarah's headspace throughout the story, and aside from the few little niggles above, everything felt very realistic and, perhaps, familiar. Very well done, Writer.
>>horizon
I actually really like this story because of the cold and isolating language Sarah uses to describe her surroundings. She's throwing up every form of barrier she can between herself and the situation around her, even on a subconscious level, to avoid feeling the pain of her loss and, if I'm reading it right, regret. Her desire to be elsewhere, while understandable (at least from my perspective), is also incredibly selfish. It's a slap in the face to Jamie when she says "I have plans" and he knows it's a lie, because it's their dad's funeral and even if it was true, it's cold on her part to so callously snub him (and, by extension, the rest of their family).
HOWEVER, I just re-read the story from the perspective you outline, and you're totally right, everything lines up pretty cleanly. Had I not automatically jumped to "funeral" at the beginning, I can see how I might have made the same mistake. I suspect I was part of the target audience for this piece.
The room being so cold as to need a heavy jacket seems out of place, but then, it's been a long time since I've been to a funeral that had a viewing, and I'm rather fond of colder temperatures. Is the room being particularly cold during a viewing a common thing? Also, as >>Not_A_Hat pointed out, eating food in the same room as the body seems... odd.
For some reason I assumed Jamie was Sarah's dad's husband at first, and the text didn't really give me a reason to think otherwise until he specifically addressed Sarah as "sis". The relationship between them feels a bit cold for siblings at their father's funeral, even if they were estranged, but grief does funny things to a person. Perhaps they're both older than I initially thought they were.
I certainly empathized with Sarah's persistent desire to be elsewhere and to not be noticed. Talking about the deceased makes their passing more real, and I can't fault her efforts to forestall that for as long as possible. She's in denial, until reality forces her towards acknowledgement of her father's death at the very end. Having her walls break down also bring her closer to her brother was a nice touch.
I felt rooted in Sarah's headspace throughout the story, and aside from the few little niggles above, everything felt very realistic and, perhaps, familiar. Very well done, Writer.
>>horizon
I actually really like this story because of the cold and isolating language Sarah uses to describe her surroundings. She's throwing up every form of barrier she can between herself and the situation around her, even on a subconscious level, to avoid feeling the pain of her loss and, if I'm reading it right, regret. Her desire to be elsewhere, while understandable (at least from my perspective), is also incredibly selfish. It's a slap in the face to Jamie when she says "I have plans" and he knows it's a lie, because it's their dad's funeral and even if it was true, it's cold on her part to so callously snub him (and, by extension, the rest of their family).
HOWEVER, I just re-read the story from the perspective you outline, and you're totally right, everything lines up pretty cleanly. Had I not automatically jumped to "funeral" at the beginning, I can see how I might have made the same mistake. I suspect I was part of the target audience for this piece.
>>Icenrose
We could've guessed that from your nickname alone :P
…and I'm rather fond of colder temperatures.
We could've guessed that from your nickname alone :P
This is the best I've done in a writeoff so far. Yay for progress!
>>billymorph
>>Icenrose
>>Not_A_Hat
>>horizon
>>Monokeras
>>Xepher
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>Ratlab
It was a fun experience, and I feel I've learned a little bit. Do you know what wasn't fun? Checking halfway through writing to see if I was getting close to the word limit and realising I had already gone beyond it and having to scramble to condense what I already had written and wrapping it up.
Still, that doesn't change I had a blast participating and will make an effort to keep delivering better stories in future events.
Just to make sure everything is clear, the story deals with a girl who had a falling out with her family, and they drift apart. Once her father dies, she attends the funeral while still conflicted about the whole ordeal. She latched onto the fact that the family's offering food to the people who came as though that was the reason she came and not because she's devastated about her dad's death.
Silly, perhaps, but better than the excuse for a title drop I also wrote.
Anyway, regarding the actual criticisms:
Yeah, I had to cut a few of Sarah's reactions due to going overboard with the wordcount. I originally had a few more lines of her sitting wistfully while trying not to be sad and avoiding everyone's stares.
My bad.
With the benefit of hindsight, the opening paragraph and setting scene probably wasn't the best place to cut out sentences to diminish the wordcount. I guess at the moment I didn't think it would make such a difference, since I was trying to focus more on Sarah's feeling of isolation and wanting to be somewhere else, the actual place wasn't as important as to why she was there and even more so her desire to not be there. But I see how failing to better establish the context for the scene could lead to confusion, you're definitely correct with that interpretation.
Duly noted.
Yeah... Maybe I should have made Jamie be Sarah's sister, instead. Seeing how I also had to cut another line of dialogue between them, the confusion was probably justified.
I should have tried to be more clear with their relationship, I've more than enough ambiguity throughout the story, after all.
The "I didn't mean to hurt him" does sound more melodramatic than intended, now that you mention it. It's meant to be about the part about having plans that won't let you stay long in your own dad's funeral, but I can see how it'd line up with your interpretation of the story.
I think it may be up to local customs and family tradition. Maybe avocado sandwiches are a bit too much, though.
I'll blame the failings of this story on my sub-par editing, if only to salvage my fragile ego. Once again, thanks a bunch to all of you. Your comments meant a lot to me, and I'll be sure to deliver an even better story in the following events.
Cheers!
>>billymorph
>>Icenrose
>>Not_A_Hat
>>horizon
>>Monokeras
>>Xepher
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
>>Ratlab
It was a fun experience, and I feel I've learned a little bit. Do you know what wasn't fun? Checking halfway through writing to see if I was getting close to the word limit and realising I had already gone beyond it and having to scramble to condense what I already had written and wrapping it up.
Still, that doesn't change I had a blast participating and will make an effort to keep delivering better stories in future events.
Just to make sure everything is clear, the story deals with a girl who had a falling out with her family, and they drift apart. Once her father dies, she attends the funeral while still conflicted about the whole ordeal. She latched onto the fact that the family's offering food to the people who came as though that was the reason she came and not because she's devastated about her dad's death.
Silly, perhaps, but better than the excuse for a title drop I also wrote.
Anyway, regarding the actual criticisms:
It was too subtle for me at times; her reaction at the end was a little surprising. Given the detail of the body language, the description of the surroundings was sparse. Possibly intentionally. You might consider using the other senses more.
Yeah, I had to cut a few of Sarah's reactions due to going overboard with the wordcount. I originally had a few more lines of her sitting wistfully while trying not to be sad and avoiding everyone's stares.
My bad.
On the first time through, a lot of the things like "I omitted the here" make zero sense, as we've not been told where we are at all.
With the benefit of hindsight, the opening paragraph and setting scene probably wasn't the best place to cut out sentences to diminish the wordcount. I guess at the moment I didn't think it would make such a difference, since I was trying to focus more on Sarah's feeling of isolation and wanting to be somewhere else, the actual place wasn't as important as to why she was there and even more so her desire to not be there. But I see how failing to better establish the context for the scene could lead to confusion, you're definitely correct with that interpretation.
Duly noted.
There's also some confusion with the pronoun "he."
Yeah... Maybe I should have made Jamie be Sarah's sister, instead. Seeing how I also had to cut another line of dialogue between them, the confusion was probably justified.
I should have tried to be more clear with their relationship, I've more than enough ambiguity throughout the story, after all.
for the vast majority of the story I was reading about a woman confronting the ex who still loves her at some event like a class reunion.
The "I didn't mean to hurt him" does sound more melodramatic than intended, now that you mention it. It's meant to be about the part about having plans that won't let you stay long in your own dad's funeral, but I can see how it'd line up with your interpretation of the story.
Food at a viewing seems odd to me.
I think it may be up to local customs and family tradition. Maybe avocado sandwiches are a bit too much, though.
I'll blame the failings of this story on my sub-par editing, if only to salvage my fragile ego. Once again, thanks a bunch to all of you. Your comments meant a lot to me, and I'll be sure to deliver an even better story in the following events.
Cheers!