Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.

I didn't exist for you until you read this sentence.
Ribbon
Original Short Story
13th
43%
154
Endeavor
Ribbon
FiM Minific
27th
48%
81
There Once Lived a Princess...
Mask
FiM Short Story
27th
26%
68
Letting Her Go
Ribbon
Original Minific
38th
20%
18
Rain
#4720 · 6
· · >>billymorph
I'd Kill For Some Hayfries


...

We've been through one already, could we please not?
#5526 · 3
· on The River Lady · >>Bachiavellian
My heart hurts.

I want to believe one of Beatrice's grandchildren grew up hearing stories about how much fun her grandma had in the rivers that surrounded her neighbourhood. Then, once they became an adult, went on to have a career in politics where they advocated for pro-enviromental laws until they managed to start a program to cleanse London's rivers.

It was a pity the Lady of the River couldn't love Adam the way he loved her, but I'm happy to know they could remain friends even after all that time.

Lovely story, it felt as if I was being told a fairy tale of modern times. Good job.
#5529 · 3
· on 10:48PM · >>Cassius
"It isn't fair that my own interpretation of fate makes people suffer, so I'll kill reality itself instead, thus dooming all of humanity to a fate worse than what their own destinies could be!"

While existential nihilism isn't my cup of tea, I still managed to get some enjoyment out of the story. I can't say I sympathise with Jo, though. I mean, if the universe wants my partner dead that badly, maybe just try to enjoy all the time you've had together and then move on with your life. If you're unable to let go to the degree Jo is, then use your time travelling powers to re-live all the time you've had together. Seriously, are you so self-centered that you don't think you can't ever love anyone ever again?

But yeah, other than Jo's questionable logic, I liked the story.
#1752 · 2
· on Not On the Outside
To reiterate, that Star Swril was awesome. I would totally like to have him as a grandpa.

I feel you could have explored Gleaming Dawn's PTSD a bit more, if only so the reader could get a better grasp on her inner troubles.

Still, it was an enjoyable read. Kudos.
#1758 · 2
· on Pinkie Pie Saves Equestria And/Or Bakes A Cake
“If you can’t face the end of Equestria with a simile, I don’t know how you can face it.”

What about a metaphor? Though I don't think Elder Gods would be up for riddles.

Anyway, as my sides have returned to their Euclidean form I'm now able to congratulate you on a well done story.

I spotted a couple of typos here and there, but nothing too severe. Great job.
#1843 · 2
· on Modern Farming Techniques of Earth Ponies
I feel all the pieces to a great story are here, even if some are a little rough around the edges.

I wish there'd been a little more build up to the reveal of Applejack and Big Mac using Necromancy to help with farmwork, maybe a few hints here and there during the other segments.

Speaking of which, others have already mentioned there was some disconnect with the Rarity scene, I can't help but feel it's a little isolated, even though it's later linked through the dialogue of AJ's parents, same with Golden's scene.

Just a suggestion, but you could maybe try to have all the scenes connect through a central theme, rather than have all these apparently stand-alone scenes that only have a pay-off at the end.

Still, it was an interesting read, and I'd love to read it again once you polish it a bit more.
#2002 · 2
· on A Faint and Curious Voice · >>Remedyfortheheart
>>Everyday
>>Obscure
>>Cold in Gardez
>>Foehn
>>georg
>>Remedyfortheheart
>>Morning Sun

I want to start out by saying that I whole-heartedly appreciate all of your feedback. Seriously, it means a lot. This reply isn't me making excuses--though that's up to you to decide--, but rather an admission of guilt.

Participating in the writeoff was an amazing experience, and a grueling one at that. You see, I'm a terribly slow writer. As in, I'm lucky to write a couple hundred words every couple of days at best, so you can imagine the trials and tribulations I went through to write over 6k words in a weekend.

That being said, I want to address the major issues this story had.

The Ending

Starting with the biggest problem, I'll come out and say that the reason this ending feels blunt, uninspired, and somewhat abrupt, is because I only had less than five hours until the deadline, still had two scenes to write, and I was already falling asleep. So, my options were to either not submit an entry, or try to come up with a shorter, different ending to at least submit a presentable story.

I chose the latter, since I already opted out of submitting something for the past two writeoff events. So, yeah. My bad.

The original ending had Twilight starting to be taken over by the voice, but then her inner magic lashes out in a similar fashion to the way she lost control in The Cutie Mark Chronicles. The stream of raw magic would cause the voice to lose its grasp on her in a painful way, hence all the screaming. This is also why she's surrounded by white light as far as she can see. It was only after she sent the voice away, and has spent a while in the white void, that Celestia would come to calm her down. They'd talk about what happen, something something things better not known just yet, promise to keep her safe, bonding, bittersweet ending.

Out of all the things I had to cut short due to time constraints, this is my biggest regret, since not only is it unsatisfying, but it works against the theme of Twilight's hunger for knowledge bringing negative consequences.

So, yeah. Not the worst mistake I've made while panicking about meeting a deadline, but it's high on the list.

The Drawn-Out Build Up

Oh, dear...

I normally have a somewhat meandering and reflective narration style where I focus perhaps a bit too much on the inner workings of the character's mind, and it's very easy for me to get lost into it--somewhat evidenced by the fact that the previous sentence could probably be 60% shorter, I suppose. This is something that I normally try to beat back into shape during editing, which is something that I couldn't really do here since I just barely managed to submit this story on time. My bad, again.

Still, I'll at least make an attempt to defend what I wrote.

I've read a lot of horror, and what I enjoy the most is to be eased into the scary bits nice and slowly, letting the dread build up naturally. In what I now realise is basically doing a retelling of Twilight's backstory, I tried to set the tone for the story, alongside making a point about Twilight's insatiable hunger for knowledge.

I did get too enraptured in the story, which is why it kept going and going. I'm sure I can condense all that backstory into something more enjoyable and less draggy while still mantaining the atmosphere I wanted. Moving on...

The Shattered Glass

This is the second thing that had to go after the ending I originally planned. As I was writing, I planned to go back to the scene in the Royal Gardens and expand it a little bit, and connecting it to the events in the corridor of Stained Windows in a way that made sense. Sadly, it was either doing that and the ending I originally planned, or submitting a story at all.

Still, I accept the blame for leaving it as it is, since I feel they now come off as a series of disconnected scenes. I fully intend to rectify this, however. I've been doing a few rewrites to the scenes I mentioned, expanding upon the actual plot and atmosphere rather than in needless backstory, as well as some much needed narrative tightening, and hopefully it'll be more satisfying then.




Once again, thanks a lot for your feedback. It felt really good to get a story done in such a relatively short period of time after a long time of barely making progress.

I'll be sure to join the next events, FiM related or not.

Now, time to go back to editing.
#3800 · 2
·
Definitely count me in for this round.
#3823 · 2
· · >>CoffeeMinion
Funny, there's this idea I had some time ago for a story that fits the theme.
Let us see if I can pull it off before the deadline.
#3834 · 2
· · >>Everyday
Whelp.
My story's done... Though I've gone way beyond the word limit. Thankfully, I still have ~20 hours to get rid of the superfluous...
Uh...
Three thousand words.
Yeah, I can do this.