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Exactly What You'd Expect
"Lookie here, kid, I don't want any of this guff. Just gimme the sandwich, and I'll be on my way."
I frowned. This man—an older gentleman, somewhere around eighty years old if I had to hazard a guess—had been standing across the counter for about fifteen minutes. Thank goodness no-one else had come in yet, but my manager was on his break and nobody else was working this shift. "It's as I said, sir; we only sell pastries. But I can point you in the direction of a lovely sandwich shop down the road—"
"No, no, I know I've gotten a sandwich here before," the man said, crossing his arms. "I'm pretty sure it was on rye, with avocado. Don't quite remember what you called it, but I know it was here."
"I don't know what to tell you, sir," I replied, leaning with my elbow on the counter. "My manager will be back in twenty minutes, though, so if you want to come back..."
"No, I can wait," he replied. I half-expected that he would step back and take a seat at one of the few tables, giving me a little space to breathe. But—alas and alack—he just stood there by the counter. I rubbed my temples, trying my best to look visibly irritated, but he seemed to be ignoring me.
It was about then when the bell by the door chimed and a pair of young women walked in. "Good morning," said the one on the left, and I smiled and bid them a good morning as well. And then they took their place in line, right behind the older man.
"No, no, I can help you," I started, beckoning them forward.
"I'm still in line," the man grumbled, glaring daggers.
"It's fine, we can just wait," the other girl said, visibly confused. She turned to her companion and began speaking in Spanish.
"Sir, I... I'm going to help these other customers while we're waiting for the manager to get back." I stood back up, looking to the girls. "What did you say you wanted, exactly?"
"Could we get two muffins?" the girl on the left asked, pointing to where it sat in the glass display case.
"Certainly," I said, bending down and pushing open the back of the shelf. A few moments later, I had retrieved the muffins, placed them in a small wax-paper bag, and handed it to the girl. "That'll be four ninety-nine."
The older man, who by that point was standing off to the side, merely watched as the girl handed me a few crumpled bills and I put them in the cash register, handing her back a penny. He shot her an odd glare as she bade me farewell and hooked arms with her companion, walking out the door.
Once they were out of sight, he stepped back in front of the counter. "What are you doing?"
"I don't know what you mean," I replied, shrugging. "I'm doing my job."
"Don't get smart with me, kid. I know you just wanna turn me away, but you can't," he said smugly.
"Oh, why's that?" I asked, humouring him.
"That's discrimination," he replied. "You can't do that, you know."
"Well, I guess you got me there," I replied, though I knew his argument could never hold up in court. "Stay as long as you like, I guess."
It was nearly half an hour until my manager came back, pushing the glass double doors both inward as he entered the store. "Hey, how's it holding up?" he asked, nodding towards me.
"It's... fine," I replied. Part of me hoped he wouldn't ask about the old man before going into the back, but no.
"Who's this fellow?" the manager asked, gesturing towards the man. "Are you being helped?"
"No," the older man said grumpily. "All I'm trying to do is buy an éclair, but this kid won't give me one."
My manager turned to me with his hands on his hips, looking confused. "Huh? Why not?"
I blinked. "Erm... he said he wanted a sand—"
"Oh, come off it," the manager interrupted, rolling his eyes. "Go to the back, and we'll have a talk after I get this man what he asked for."
So, as I didn't want to lose my job, I did what I was asked. I didn't lose my job that day but as the manager chewed me out, I wondered just what exactly that man had been playing at.
I frowned. This man—an older gentleman, somewhere around eighty years old if I had to hazard a guess—had been standing across the counter for about fifteen minutes. Thank goodness no-one else had come in yet, but my manager was on his break and nobody else was working this shift. "It's as I said, sir; we only sell pastries. But I can point you in the direction of a lovely sandwich shop down the road—"
"No, no, I know I've gotten a sandwich here before," the man said, crossing his arms. "I'm pretty sure it was on rye, with avocado. Don't quite remember what you called it, but I know it was here."
"I don't know what to tell you, sir," I replied, leaning with my elbow on the counter. "My manager will be back in twenty minutes, though, so if you want to come back..."
"No, I can wait," he replied. I half-expected that he would step back and take a seat at one of the few tables, giving me a little space to breathe. But—alas and alack—he just stood there by the counter. I rubbed my temples, trying my best to look visibly irritated, but he seemed to be ignoring me.
It was about then when the bell by the door chimed and a pair of young women walked in. "Good morning," said the one on the left, and I smiled and bid them a good morning as well. And then they took their place in line, right behind the older man.
"No, no, I can help you," I started, beckoning them forward.
"I'm still in line," the man grumbled, glaring daggers.
"It's fine, we can just wait," the other girl said, visibly confused. She turned to her companion and began speaking in Spanish.
"Sir, I... I'm going to help these other customers while we're waiting for the manager to get back." I stood back up, looking to the girls. "What did you say you wanted, exactly?"
"Could we get two muffins?" the girl on the left asked, pointing to where it sat in the glass display case.
"Certainly," I said, bending down and pushing open the back of the shelf. A few moments later, I had retrieved the muffins, placed them in a small wax-paper bag, and handed it to the girl. "That'll be four ninety-nine."
The older man, who by that point was standing off to the side, merely watched as the girl handed me a few crumpled bills and I put them in the cash register, handing her back a penny. He shot her an odd glare as she bade me farewell and hooked arms with her companion, walking out the door.
Once they were out of sight, he stepped back in front of the counter. "What are you doing?"
"I don't know what you mean," I replied, shrugging. "I'm doing my job."
"Don't get smart with me, kid. I know you just wanna turn me away, but you can't," he said smugly.
"Oh, why's that?" I asked, humouring him.
"That's discrimination," he replied. "You can't do that, you know."
"Well, I guess you got me there," I replied, though I knew his argument could never hold up in court. "Stay as long as you like, I guess."
It was nearly half an hour until my manager came back, pushing the glass double doors both inward as he entered the store. "Hey, how's it holding up?" he asked, nodding towards me.
"It's... fine," I replied. Part of me hoped he wouldn't ask about the old man before going into the back, but no.
"Who's this fellow?" the manager asked, gesturing towards the man. "Are you being helped?"
"No," the older man said grumpily. "All I'm trying to do is buy an éclair, but this kid won't give me one."
My manager turned to me with his hands on his hips, looking confused. "Huh? Why not?"
I blinked. "Erm... he said he wanted a sand—"
"Oh, come off it," the manager interrupted, rolling his eyes. "Go to the back, and we'll have a talk after I get this man what he asked for."
So, as I didn't want to lose my job, I did what I was asked. I didn't lose my job that day but as the manager chewed me out, I wondered just what exactly that man had been playing at.
I hope I, too, can one day become a bitter elder out to mess with people just for the sake of it.
The story, much like a store-bought éclair, left me wanting more. There is no real payoff at the end regarding the old man. We never find out why he wanted to stir trouble, there's no confrontation with the clerk afterwards, and I feel the story could have been richer had you gone further.
The story, much like a store-bought éclair, left me wanting more. There is no real payoff at the end regarding the old man. We never find out why he wanted to stir trouble, there's no confrontation with the clerk afterwards, and I feel the story could have been richer had you gone further.
Description was sparse, but the setting is familiar enough that I filled it in. Does a good job with the voicing; the exchanges felt authentic enough that I was completely onboard with the protagonist and his view of the 'crazy old man'. I'm going to have to echo Zaid on the ending, though.
The twist comes out of left field, but then the story just ends and doesn't do anything with it. Though I praise the body language, if there was any foreshadowing or hints of the old guy's intent, I didn't get them. As a result, it leaves me about as baffled as the protagonist.
I feel like this would've been a great setup for a longer piece, be it a 'later meeting between the old man and the protagonist that fills in a bigger story' or 'bad stuff keeps happening because people are dicks' or whatever. As is, it paints a vivid and consistent picture, but one that feels incomplete.
The twist comes out of left field, but then the story just ends and doesn't do anything with it. Though I praise the body language, if there was any foreshadowing or hints of the old guy's intent, I didn't get them. As a result, it leaves me about as baffled as the protagonist.
I feel like this would've been a great setup for a longer piece, be it a 'later meeting between the old man and the protagonist that fills in a bigger story' or 'bad stuff keeps happening because people are dicks' or whatever. As is, it paints a vivid and consistent picture, but one that feels incomplete.
Wow. That just happened. I can relate with this story in several ways. One being in service of others can really bring out the negativity in a person. Especially when it is marinated in constant service of a people looking to take advantage of your hospitality. Two when your effort and time goes to waste because of the position you’re brought into. I feel for the young man, but this could have gone on much longer to make an interesting story about a very unlikely relationship between the counter clerk and the older gentleman, who in fact just got a free eclair.
NEGATIVES
Length-I’m really just putting this here because this story was built very well. I could follow along with it well enough and took in the meaning of the scene with great enough descriptions that it flowed so easily in and out of mind. Now length is only a problem in terms that this ended so quickly. It was heart-warming and very funny when the conning elderly man twists the story around for his own benefit. Not that it’s funny to watch a person get abused, but because it granted the conflict and twist really needed to make this pop out. I only wish there was more to be read. Such as if the old man tries to pull this number again or if the young clerk ever got fired.
Description-One thing that bothered me was lacking of descriptions. Some of the dialogue is cut to make way for other things. There also could have been a bit more interaction between the characters. Such as the old man not just staring but more of “tapping his toe” or huffing out in impatience. Maybe a little of fidgeting from the clerk to make this more authentic. All in all the dialogue covers most of this by explaining what is going on while hinting at the smaller actions taking place, that are assumed to be obvious. Just typical nature of a person to be waiting in line or when trying to ignore someone. This is excused by the low word limit and the very strange prompt given to us.
POSITIVES
Dialogue-Whew! The conversations was quite a ride! I could read about these two talking all day and never once losing an ounce of attention on them. In fact I wanted to see more material about these two interacting with one another. Or in fact what they might say to their family and friends about one another behind their backs. You even held the story twist in the dialogue itself. Granting a more subtle climax moment rather than a typical struggle between two elements. Using a lie to turn the tables, was a simple and brilliant way to surprise everyone. Using the old man’s senile nature to show that he was nothing more than a man conning a poor boy in a store for a free donut.
Topic-You really hit the nail on this one. No complaints on trying to sprinkle some sugar on the prompt or overly ice the top with thick fluff. You did the prompt. You wrote the prompt! You really did it! You didn’t take another idea and somehow throw some deli meat and some bread into the mix. You took the natural idea of the “Desire of a Sandwich” and made it into a story. My hat’s off to you, sir for a job well done. You played the card of a senile old man in the wrong place and turned it into a very well written piece that never even presented a sandwich during the whole story! Very well done. My only peeve is that I didn’t think the clerk played his part well. He surrendered too easily when he could have offered up something else. Even given out samples to appease his customer. Most pastries shops even hold buns filled with meat and other filling delicacies that could have sate this poor man’s hunger. It was never stated that this man was so stubbornly set on just having his sandwich. Which is implied and what I’ll continue to believe in.
This was a real fun one to read. Nothing overly dramatic or complex. Nothing that had a hidden meaning. Just the basic concept of a shortfic being what it is and presenting itself in a simple humble manner. It stayed on point without straying from the prompt and gave way to more content while also ending on a good note without leaving much of a cliffhanger. Now while majority of the story was great I found the title to be a bit strange. I understand it is noting the simple plot twist without revealing it, but it could have actually fit the story better. My ideas for a title for this would have been “Sour Dough” or “Bittersweet Sentiments” . Something like that. The title for it right now seems to be a mouth full and I can hardly remember or make out the real title exactly word for word. Right now this story was so well done it’ll stick to my brain for a while, just not it’s title.
NEGATIVES
Length-I’m really just putting this here because this story was built very well. I could follow along with it well enough and took in the meaning of the scene with great enough descriptions that it flowed so easily in and out of mind. Now length is only a problem in terms that this ended so quickly. It was heart-warming and very funny when the conning elderly man twists the story around for his own benefit. Not that it’s funny to watch a person get abused, but because it granted the conflict and twist really needed to make this pop out. I only wish there was more to be read. Such as if the old man tries to pull this number again or if the young clerk ever got fired.
Description-One thing that bothered me was lacking of descriptions. Some of the dialogue is cut to make way for other things. There also could have been a bit more interaction between the characters. Such as the old man not just staring but more of “tapping his toe” or huffing out in impatience. Maybe a little of fidgeting from the clerk to make this more authentic. All in all the dialogue covers most of this by explaining what is going on while hinting at the smaller actions taking place, that are assumed to be obvious. Just typical nature of a person to be waiting in line or when trying to ignore someone. This is excused by the low word limit and the very strange prompt given to us.
POSITIVES
Dialogue-Whew! The conversations was quite a ride! I could read about these two talking all day and never once losing an ounce of attention on them. In fact I wanted to see more material about these two interacting with one another. Or in fact what they might say to their family and friends about one another behind their backs. You even held the story twist in the dialogue itself. Granting a more subtle climax moment rather than a typical struggle between two elements. Using a lie to turn the tables, was a simple and brilliant way to surprise everyone. Using the old man’s senile nature to show that he was nothing more than a man conning a poor boy in a store for a free donut.
Topic-You really hit the nail on this one. No complaints on trying to sprinkle some sugar on the prompt or overly ice the top with thick fluff. You did the prompt. You wrote the prompt! You really did it! You didn’t take another idea and somehow throw some deli meat and some bread into the mix. You took the natural idea of the “Desire of a Sandwich” and made it into a story. My hat’s off to you, sir for a job well done. You played the card of a senile old man in the wrong place and turned it into a very well written piece that never even presented a sandwich during the whole story! Very well done. My only peeve is that I didn’t think the clerk played his part well. He surrendered too easily when he could have offered up something else. Even given out samples to appease his customer. Most pastries shops even hold buns filled with meat and other filling delicacies that could have sate this poor man’s hunger. It was never stated that this man was so stubbornly set on just having his sandwich. Which is implied and what I’ll continue to believe in.
This was a real fun one to read. Nothing overly dramatic or complex. Nothing that had a hidden meaning. Just the basic concept of a shortfic being what it is and presenting itself in a simple humble manner. It stayed on point without straying from the prompt and gave way to more content while also ending on a good note without leaving much of a cliffhanger. Now while majority of the story was great I found the title to be a bit strange. I understand it is noting the simple plot twist without revealing it, but it could have actually fit the story better. My ideas for a title for this would have been “Sour Dough” or “Bittersweet Sentiments” . Something like that. The title for it right now seems to be a mouth full and I can hardly remember or make out the real title exactly word for word. Right now this story was so well done it’ll stick to my brain for a while, just not it’s title.
This is just strange. I mean, the demeanour of the guy is just desultory. The final twist is not foreshadowed in any way — though maybe the cooter wants to get even because the girls were waited on before him?
It was hard for me to get over this big roadblock because I felt that the whole story was about that last twist. Problem with that kind of stories is that you shoot in the dark. Either the end works and the story ditto, or it doesn't and the story falls flat, which was unfortunately the case here.
It was hard for me to get over this big roadblock because I felt that the whole story was about that last twist. Problem with that kind of stories is that you shoot in the dark. Either the end works and the story ditto, or it doesn't and the story falls flat, which was unfortunately the case here.
Personally, I don't think this needs much more in the way of description; the setting and the excellent dialogue fills in the blanks quite nicely. It was a well written exchange, with a clear set of voices, but you needed to do something with that twist for the story to feel complete. Thanks for sharing your work. I enjoyed this.
I'd change the guy's first description of the sandwich to something that could work as both a sandwich and an eclair. I don't know anyone who puts avocado on an eclair... but maybe that's just me.