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Just Another Shift
I stood at the counter, cash register in front of me, flickering neon lamps above. The cold and uncertain light didn't the scene I was looking at any favors, except maybe making the disgusting display seem less real.
As far as I could see there was pallid flesh squirming and trembling in a mass of bodies. It was like looking through a haze, undefined contours making it difficult to understand where one ended and the other began.
From behind me, I heard the sizzling of meat on the hot metal. It had become the soundtrack of my life. Little bits that overlapped and repeated themselves eternally. The thump of the lump of what could generously be called food if one had only a passing familiarity with the concept, the fizzing of grease on the blackened slate, the scratching of the spatula removing the charcoal. Thump, Fizz, Scratch. Again and again and again.
The worst part was probably the stench hanging in the air. Sweat dominated over everything else, but in the middle of it I could distinguish the cheap cologne of the manager, the feces from the employee toilet and the burnt fat. I could almost smell cancer. A whiff of chlorine briefly overpowered the rest before being crushed under the history of decay that had lorded over my prison for so long. Somebody had tried to clean the bedlam that was the kitchen. Probably a newbie, Barbara if I had to guess. She hadn't quite worked out how the "family" works here. I would laugh at the risible idea that something could be ever done to improve our little corner of damnation if this place hadn't killed all my feelings—except for dread and loathing—ages ago. The world on this side of the cash register was filth and lard. Demons dwelled here and humans squirmed in the cage waiting for the Company to process them.
I focused my attention on the thing standing in front of me, forever kept at arms length by the counter but with power over me nonetheless. A Customer.
My face contracted in a rictus smile, muscles tensed and not an ounce of joy reached my lips. Putting on a cramping mask was all I could do to not throw up.
There was my lord and master in all its glory. The manager may have been my warden, the upper echelons of the Company may have been the ones yanking my chain, but it was the Customer that decided my fate a thousand times at day.
Rolling waves of fat around the throat. Pale complexion with thin veins drawing a map of sadness and loneliness through the almost transparent skin. Craters and pustules made the landscape of its face a fractal testimony to the futility of existence. I was sure that sooner or later those tumorous coagulations would become more of an individual than the mass that had bred them.
Dead eyes that told a story of failure and of a stolen future. That was probably the worst of it all. Inhuman, glassy and small eyes sunken in a bloated face. It was like staring into the soul of a pig.
Then it spoke and I had to rethink my previous evaluation. Crooked teeth and a breath that made whatever came out of the kitchen seem a spring meadow became my world for a few, terrifying instants.
It was a drawling abomination of communication, a farce of the concept of exchanging ideas, an insulting joke thrown in the face of God.
That I understood what it wanted was probably a sign that I had passed too much time in my prison.
I sighed, looked the demon in the face, then turned around and screamed "A Double Seared Sinner Special with extra Cheese!"
As I returned my attention to the Customer and the never ending procession of abominations that waited for service I caught a glance of the gray wasteland outside. I swear could almost smell the brimstone. Just another shift in Hell.
As far as I could see there was pallid flesh squirming and trembling in a mass of bodies. It was like looking through a haze, undefined contours making it difficult to understand where one ended and the other began.
From behind me, I heard the sizzling of meat on the hot metal. It had become the soundtrack of my life. Little bits that overlapped and repeated themselves eternally. The thump of the lump of what could generously be called food if one had only a passing familiarity with the concept, the fizzing of grease on the blackened slate, the scratching of the spatula removing the charcoal. Thump, Fizz, Scratch. Again and again and again.
The worst part was probably the stench hanging in the air. Sweat dominated over everything else, but in the middle of it I could distinguish the cheap cologne of the manager, the feces from the employee toilet and the burnt fat. I could almost smell cancer. A whiff of chlorine briefly overpowered the rest before being crushed under the history of decay that had lorded over my prison for so long. Somebody had tried to clean the bedlam that was the kitchen. Probably a newbie, Barbara if I had to guess. She hadn't quite worked out how the "family" works here. I would laugh at the risible idea that something could be ever done to improve our little corner of damnation if this place hadn't killed all my feelings—except for dread and loathing—ages ago. The world on this side of the cash register was filth and lard. Demons dwelled here and humans squirmed in the cage waiting for the Company to process them.
I focused my attention on the thing standing in front of me, forever kept at arms length by the counter but with power over me nonetheless. A Customer.
My face contracted in a rictus smile, muscles tensed and not an ounce of joy reached my lips. Putting on a cramping mask was all I could do to not throw up.
There was my lord and master in all its glory. The manager may have been my warden, the upper echelons of the Company may have been the ones yanking my chain, but it was the Customer that decided my fate a thousand times at day.
Rolling waves of fat around the throat. Pale complexion with thin veins drawing a map of sadness and loneliness through the almost transparent skin. Craters and pustules made the landscape of its face a fractal testimony to the futility of existence. I was sure that sooner or later those tumorous coagulations would become more of an individual than the mass that had bred them.
Dead eyes that told a story of failure and of a stolen future. That was probably the worst of it all. Inhuman, glassy and small eyes sunken in a bloated face. It was like staring into the soul of a pig.
Then it spoke and I had to rethink my previous evaluation. Crooked teeth and a breath that made whatever came out of the kitchen seem a spring meadow became my world for a few, terrifying instants.
It was a drawling abomination of communication, a farce of the concept of exchanging ideas, an insulting joke thrown in the face of God.
That I understood what it wanted was probably a sign that I had passed too much time in my prison.
I sighed, looked the demon in the face, then turned around and screamed "A Double Seared Sinner Special with extra Cheese!"
As I returned my attention to the Customer and the never ending procession of abominations that waited for service I caught a glance of the gray wasteland outside. I swear could almost smell the brimstone. Just another shift in Hell.
I very much liked sitting in that fast food worker's head and looking out through the foggy windows that are their eyes.
It had some atmosphere. Most of it felt distant rather than hellish, but I believe that's what you were going for.
Also where'd you come across the "risible idea" idea? I've never ever seen that word before.
It had some atmosphere. Most of it felt distant rather than hellish, but I believe that's what you were going for.
Also where'd you come across the "risible idea" idea? I've never ever seen that word before.
Ah... A day in the life of a minimum wage fast food worker.
The narrator is an interesting fellow, and should probably look into writing as a way to forget about their mortality once their shift is over.
It was a nice read. Short enough to not overstay its welcome, but still delivering an entertaining story. I liked the detail with the wordcount. Subtle.
Kudos.
The narrator is an interesting fellow, and should probably look into writing as a way to forget about their mortality once their shift is over.
It was a nice read. Short enough to not overstay its welcome, but still delivering an entertaining story. I liked the detail with the wordcount. Subtle.
Kudos.
Having worked a cash register, I do understand this.
That being said, there's not a whole lot of plot here.
I do think this might have worked better with a little more focus on the customer; give us some concrete examples of why dealing with them is so frustrating. And, with all your hyperbole and the fact that fantasy is common fare around here, I was almost wondering if this was literally set in Hell.
I dunno. Another interesting portrait, I guess. I wish it had more story.
Oh, and I think you're missing a word in the first line.
That being said, there's not a whole lot of plot here.
I do think this might have worked better with a little more focus on the customer; give us some concrete examples of why dealing with them is so frustrating. And, with all your hyperbole and the fact that fantasy is common fare around here, I was almost wondering if this was literally set in Hell.
I dunno. Another interesting portrait, I guess. I wish it had more story.
Oh, and I think you're missing a word in the first line.
At first it seems like you're going for hyperbolic metaphors, but that sets it up nicely for the twist at the end; I'm going to believe the 'literal hell' interpretation. Descriptions are one of the strong points, nicely balanced between being literal and plausible exaggeration.
It's well laid out; the scene is gradually and cleverly painted. Unfortunately all the setup doesn't leave much room for character or plot; the protagonist isn't able to do much.
Overall, this feels like an interesting setting to work with, but not much actual story.
It's well laid out; the scene is gradually and cleverly painted. Unfortunately all the setup doesn't leave much room for character or plot; the protagonist isn't able to do much.
Overall, this feels like an interesting setting to work with, but not much actual story.
Mostly agreed with >>Ratlab, though personally, I have a low tolerance for Lovecraftian prose, and this blew past the high registers of my purple-o-meter and shorted it completely out. I mean, at
... I actually had to stop and put the story down for a minute.
> 666 words
I see wot u did thar ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Tier: Flawed but Fun based almost entirely on those last two paragraphs, Misaimed otherwise
Edit: See also >>horizon
Craters and pustules made the landscape of its face a fractal testimony to the futility of existence.
... I actually had to stop and put the story down for a minute.
> 666 words
I see wot u did thar ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Tier: Flawed but Fun based almost entirely on those last two paragraphs, Misaimed otherwise
Edit: See also >>horizon
I guess this didn't really work for me. It was just a loquacious and nihilistic description of a minimum wage job. I mean, it's clever enough in the fantastical lens it casts on the "horror" of such a job, but stories need to entertain or at least make me think. This didn't really do either. The skill in the writing seems at odds to the simplicity of the message. "Fast food work sucks." But we all knew that already. If the fact that this was a fast food job was a twist or some reveal, then, maybe it'd work, but I fear the earlier descriptions would have to be even more abstract for that to work.
>>Xepher got the measure of this, in my opinion. I'm not a fan of this style of prose, although I can put my preferences to one side enough to appreciate when a story is well written and atmospheric. Nice job there. I guess the only thing worse than working in the fast food industry is working in the fast food industry in hell. I mean, must be a terrible commute.
As always, thanks for sharing your work.
As always, thanks for sharing your work.
So, short retrospective time. What I wanted was to go with the classic "hyperbole from a disgruntled worker who sees the world around him as a grotesquely deformed gallery of horrors" with the "twist" that it all was an almost literal description of his surroundings. I should probably have made that more explicit. I had even made it more explicit (the "gray wasteland" in the last line was originally a "reddish landscape") but I thought it was a bit too much on the nose:facehoof:
I also tried to put some indications that the narrator wasn't fully aware of the situation, but then was too enamored of the word-count gimmick to expand on that. Let that be another lesson for me.
I experimented with a bit of a different style here, and so I learned that writing prose so purple it eats people will almost certainly backfire. I will have to be a bit more careful next time.
>>tPg
"risible idea" comes from me having misjudged how common a certain word is. It's more common in other languages.
>>ZaidValRoa
But then having some way to express his frustration would lessen his suffering.
>>Not_A_Hat
I think it is more a very weird and awkward sentence construction than a missing word.
>>Ratlab
I should have packed a bit more information in the story. There was a very thin plot relative to the narrator's situation, but I failed to communicate it.
>>horizon
Sorry for the suffering, I tried something here but clearly I overdid it.
>>Xepher
While you didn't like the story, I squeed a little as you said, "The skill in the writing seems at odds to the simplicity of the message."
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
Local real estate is very cheap, you wish commuting was a problem.
Thank you all for the time you took in reviewing this. It has been very useful and, as always, a real pleasure.
I also tried to put some indications that the narrator wasn't fully aware of the situation, but then was too enamored of the word-count gimmick to expand on that. Let that be another lesson for me.
I experimented with a bit of a different style here, and so I learned that writing prose so purple it eats people will almost certainly backfire. I will have to be a bit more careful next time.
>>tPg
"risible idea" comes from me having misjudged how common a certain word is. It's more common in other languages.
>>ZaidValRoa
But then having some way to express his frustration would lessen his suffering.
>>Not_A_Hat
I think it is more a very weird and awkward sentence construction than a missing word.
>>Ratlab
I should have packed a bit more information in the story. There was a very thin plot relative to the narrator's situation, but I failed to communicate it.
>>horizon
Sorry for the suffering, I tried something here but clearly I overdid it.
>>Xepher
While you didn't like the story, I squeed a little as you said, "The skill in the writing seems at odds to the simplicity of the message."
>>Ceffyl_Dwr
Local real estate is very cheap, you wish commuting was a problem.
Thank you all for the time you took in reviewing this. It has been very useful and, as always, a real pleasure.