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I was wondering why nobody had commented in this one. The maze deserves all the attention bit none can be spared here? Really?
Oh, well. I can see why some may abstain from commenting. It's an interesting piece, I'll give you that. The short, let's say, verses make it feel fast paced and carries that sense of hopelesness present in the narrative. I can't help but wonder, however, just how much substance was sacrificed in name of style.
I appreciate what was done here, though I can't see myself giving it proper judgment.
For what it's worth, I genuinely enjoyed the story.
Oh, well. I can see why some may abstain from commenting. It's an interesting piece, I'll give you that. The short, let's say, verses make it feel fast paced and carries that sense of hopelesness present in the narrative. I can't help but wonder, however, just how much substance was sacrificed in name of style.
I appreciate what was done here, though I can't see myself giving it proper judgment.
For what it's worth, I genuinely enjoyed the story.
Powerful, there's not much I can say here. Judging poetry is well beyond my current capabilities, which means that I can only say if I liked it or not without offering any useful comments.
I liked it quite a lot. Sorry for not being more helpful.
I liked it quite a lot. Sorry for not being more helpful.
I have a:
Rather fraught relationship with free verse. I mean, when horizon held his whole big free verse contest last year, I couldn't do it: I ended up putting together a whole bunch of chain linked fourteeners instead. In fact, I've only ever managed to write one piece of free verse because I needed something from Maud Pie in my Ponyville poetry collection, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever tried to write.
Still, my comments all focus around one thing: bring out the setting more. Ground the piece more firmly in the physical world for one thing. I like the sounds, the creaks and the snaps and all, but what does it smell like outside the gates? What color is the sky? Are there mountains along the horizon or a ruined city or something like that? But also, give us more about what the situation is. Why can't they set up phone lines, for instance? Does the Cloud dissolve them the way it does couriers? Is this post-collapse civilization doing so well that it can afford to lose people to the Cloud whenever a message needs to be sent? Why doesn't Our Narrator stay in Spencer's settlement till a message needs to come back? Are these messages really that important? Oh, and the ending confused me: I thought Our Narrator had delivered his messages to Spencer, but there they are, we're told, discarded upon the ground.
Maybe I'm too literal minded for poetry... :)
Mike
Rather fraught relationship with free verse. I mean, when horizon held his whole big free verse contest last year, I couldn't do it: I ended up putting together a whole bunch of chain linked fourteeners instead. In fact, I've only ever managed to write one piece of free verse because I needed something from Maud Pie in my Ponyville poetry collection, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever tried to write.
Still, my comments all focus around one thing: bring out the setting more. Ground the piece more firmly in the physical world for one thing. I like the sounds, the creaks and the snaps and all, but what does it smell like outside the gates? What color is the sky? Are there mountains along the horizon or a ruined city or something like that? But also, give us more about what the situation is. Why can't they set up phone lines, for instance? Does the Cloud dissolve them the way it does couriers? Is this post-collapse civilization doing so well that it can afford to lose people to the Cloud whenever a message needs to be sent? Why doesn't Our Narrator stay in Spencer's settlement till a message needs to come back? Are these messages really that important? Oh, and the ending confused me: I thought Our Narrator had delivered his messages to Spencer, but there they are, we're told, discarded upon the ground.
Maybe I'm too literal minded for poetry... :)
Mike
I must agree with Mike here. I don't mind free verses, but poetry is all about images, feelings, sensations, precisely what's lacking there. Show us a post-apocalyptic decor, with a leaden sky, massive dark clouds billowing in the sky and blotting out the Sun, deserted places, barren landscape, ramshackle buildings, silhouettes of stumped trees, etc.
Also, there are PoV shifts, especially at the beginning and the end, and while I understand this is meant as a sort of Aesop, it ends up as a little jarring.
But I liked the dark message underpinning it, so, despite its flaws, it landed pretty high on my slate.
Also, there are PoV shifts, especially at the beginning and the end, and while I understand this is meant as a sort of Aesop, it ends up as a little jarring.
But I liked the dark message underpinning it, so, despite its flaws, it landed pretty high on my slate.
I'll probably try and come back to this one when I have more time on my hands, as I do enjoy my poetry and free verse, and it is deserving of more comprehensive feedback. There was a lot to like about this, particularly the subtle way it paints its world, but I felt some of the direct feelings felt quite heavy-handed in comparison.
Like I said, I'll try and come back. But I thought this was pretty darn good. Thanks for sharing.
Like I said, I'll try and come back. But I thought this was pretty darn good. Thanks for sharing.
>>ZaidValRoa The maze gets lots of comments because it's easy to comment on.
Well, I can try, I guess. some bits here worked really well for me. The repetition at the beginning/end, the bits with rhythm to them, on the bike. The bit with the struck-through words kinda jarred me, though I'm not sure why.
This seems to reference Pandora's Box, which is interesting. I'd never considered 'hope' being a danger in and of itself, before, but it's clever now that you've brought it up. The thing is, though, that I feel like it's actually 'haste' that kills him here.
Well, I can try, I guess. some bits here worked really well for me. The repetition at the beginning/end, the bits with rhythm to them, on the bike. The bit with the struck-through words kinda jarred me, though I'm not sure why.
This seems to reference Pandora's Box, which is interesting. I'd never considered 'hope' being a danger in and of itself, before, but it's clever now that you've brought it up. The thing is, though, that I feel like it's actually 'haste' that kills him here.
Hmmmmm... I rather hate poetry. But strangely enough, I don't hate this piece. Maybe because it doesn't seem particularly 'poetry-like' to me. I actually rather like it.
It does a good job setting the atmosphere... I'm getting the impression of some World War One era settings, where chemical or biological weapons have rendered vast swathes of the land uninhabitable, and messages must be hand delivered between towns...
Some bits puzzle me a bit though... How is hope a danger that will kill you? That seems to be one of the key points of the story, but I'm not quite following that train of logic. And in the end... I'm assuming he removed his mask before he actually reaches safety... But why would he do that, after having made it so far already? It just seems unnecessarily foolish..
But despite that, I'm surprised to find myself enjoying this one. So kudos to you!
It does a good job setting the atmosphere... I'm getting the impression of some World War One era settings, where chemical or biological weapons have rendered vast swathes of the land uninhabitable, and messages must be hand delivered between towns...
Some bits puzzle me a bit though... How is hope a danger that will kill you? That seems to be one of the key points of the story, but I'm not quite following that train of logic. And in the end... I'm assuming he removed his mask before he actually reaches safety... But why would he do that, after having made it so far already? It just seems unnecessarily foolish..
But despite that, I'm surprised to find myself enjoying this one. So kudos to you!
I have many questions about the ending. How exactly are there "two" messages for Spencer? The courier took one (see the first stanza of scene 3), and even after a second read, I don't see them picking up another. Is the second message what happened to the courier? Were they, like, assassinated to make a point, or did the capsule contain a Cloud bomb or something? And why do the bookend stanzas transition from the abstract "hunger/hate/hope" to the concrete "hunger/hesitation/haste" if you're just going to make a specific point of saying that hope killed him? So this doesn't fully come logically together for me.
It also didn't come together in the other sense, that there's just so much context we're missing: but the poetry was specifically a good decision there, insofar as I felt comfortable with that sense of incompletion, since the format is inherently more about fragments and impressions. And I think it does make good use of the repetition and the formatting — enough so that when it broke format for the italicized digression about what appears to be a plague mask (and, if it's not, it should be), I felt let down.
On the strength of the poetry I think this is going to go up near the top of my "stories with flaws" and just underneath the weakest of the "stories that engaged me all the way through", so kudos. The bad news is that that's about 1/3 of the way down my ballot.
Tier: (High) Almost There
It also didn't come together in the other sense, that there's just so much context we're missing: but the poetry was specifically a good decision there, insofar as I felt comfortable with that sense of incompletion, since the format is inherently more about fragments and impressions. And I think it does make good use of the repetition and the formatting — enough so that when it broke format for the italicized digression about what appears to be a plague mask (and, if it's not, it should be), I felt let down.
On the strength of the poetry I think this is going to go up near the top of my "stories with flaws" and just underneath the weakest of the "stories that engaged me all the way through", so kudos. The bad news is that that's about 1/3 of the way down my ballot.
Tier: (High) Almost There
Two Messages:
So do you ever do that thing where you submit free verse at 2am and then neglect to check and make sure all your formatting goes through? I doubt mere spacing would have made much difference, but still. My poor orphaned indentations. 😢
This was my third foray into narrative verse, and as such was predictably rough. Thank you to all who commented for being relatively gentle with it.
>>ZaidValRoa
None, actually. This had essentially no substance to begin with--it was the third piece I wrote for this round, and the only real idea I had in mind was a bike ride, a hill, and pain. (After being forced to ride my bike to and from class/work during the summer--uphill both ways, naturally--I needed to relieve my pent-up hatred towardsMount Riverbend the road I live off of.)
>>Orbiting_kettle >>Not_A_Hat >>TheCyanRecluse >>horizon >>Ceffyl_Dwr
Thank you for your thoughts, critiques, and concerns. You raise valid points and I will be sure to bear them in mind.
>>Baal Bunny >>Monokeras
I have a preference for flowery prose, so I don't tend to associate feelings and descriptive language so much with poetry--the general elements you describe often worm their way into my normal writing. However, you've provoked quite some thought as to the nature and purpose of poetry, and I greatly appreciate your suggestions. Thanks!
So do you ever do that thing where you submit free verse at 2am and then neglect to check and make sure all your formatting goes through? I doubt mere spacing would have made much difference, but still. My poor orphaned indentations. 😢
This was my third foray into narrative verse, and as such was predictably rough. Thank you to all who commented for being relatively gentle with it.
>>ZaidValRoa
how much substance was sacrificed in name of style
None, actually. This had essentially no substance to begin with--it was the third piece I wrote for this round, and the only real idea I had in mind was a bike ride, a hill, and pain. (After being forced to ride my bike to and from class/work during the summer--uphill both ways, naturally--I needed to relieve my pent-up hatred towards
>>Orbiting_kettle >>Not_A_Hat >>TheCyanRecluse >>horizon >>Ceffyl_Dwr
Thank you for your thoughts, critiques, and concerns. You raise valid points and I will be sure to bear them in mind.
>>Baal Bunny >>Monokeras
I have a preference for flowery prose, so I don't tend to associate feelings and descriptive language so much with poetry--the general elements you describe often worm their way into my normal writing. However, you've provoked quite some thought as to the nature and purpose of poetry, and I greatly appreciate your suggestions. Thanks!