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Look, I Just Want My Sandwich · Original Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
Show rules for this event
Shan'wuy.ch
With one final struggle, I climb up the cliffside. A sigh of relief escapes me before I turn back to face the horizon below. Dark purple clouds drift in every direction imaginable. I am proud that I’d managed the climb, especially with all those tentacles grabbing at me.

Turning around, I come face to face with my destination: an archway-like structure of jagged edges that shifts with every one of my eye movements. The stairs that make up the base materialize and dematerialize with every blink of my eyes. Pulsating tendril floors form as I begin moving forward. I turn back to face the cliff out of curiosity, only for my eyes to once again face the archway.

There is no cliffside anymore. The inherent wrongness of the shifting realities before me makes what is left of my inner animal freak.

They are waiting for me. They know I have come this far and have rolled out the welcoming carpet. But I have not spent the equivalent of eons training in the dreamlands just to give in to old instinct and turn tail. They have something of mine.

Beyond the archway, I can see a whole other world. Curiously, I peeked behind the structure, but there is nothing but a void. The entryway—some kind of stable slip gate by the looks of it—called to me.

I step through the gateway. In a blink of white light, I appear in a vast expanse of red stone and endlessly tall spires. Above me exists only a green void that stretches into forever. Even the spires have no end in sight, vanishing into fine points up above.

With a deep sigh of defeat, I decide to move ahead. They were really making sure this was as uncomfortable as possible.

Eons pass by as I move ahead. I can tell because every once in a while, the ground changes right under my feet. I see simple life growing, becoming complex and sentient. They begin to move around me as blurs, ignorant of my presence. But every once in awhile, one of the entities notices me. They lose track of all things around them and quickly get left behind by their peers. At that point, they do nothing but follow me like baby ducks, all the while withering and wasting until they turn to dust.

Hundreds of thousands join me over the course of my travels, but their numbers gradually dwindle as they advance beyond their mortality. Eventually, they become one with the cosmos and become elder beings themselves.

After untold eons, I reach a new structure. It is as ancient as I am in this realm. The curvy hallways and slick stairs lead me up, down, sideways, and through pockets of reality where my body ceases being third dimensional altogether. At one point, I cease to exist physically, only to return younger. The centuries-long walk down the hallway does provide time enough to age back to my original state, but it is an experience I do not wish to repeat anytime soon.

At last, I reach them. Upon a throne of liquid-solid they sit, in a form that my unevolved self would have once found comforting. They had a smile on their thousands of lips, shrouded by a cloak of pure cosmic miasma. A million and one arms lay folded beside them, waiting for me. They know why I am here.

The first pause in eons. I stretch out a hand and point at them. With lips I had not used for untold lifetimes, I speak to them.

“Did you take my sandwich?”

They laugh with their thousand mouths, their form shifting in and out of reality. Their speaking would have been lost on the ears of mere mortals, but translated, they reply: “Was it yours? I could have sworn I made it several universes ago. You sure you aren’t mistaken?”

I another step forward. “Give it back, or I swear I will trap you in the center of a black hole for the duration of two and a half universes!”

With a sigh, they give me back the sandwich. “Take it,” they say. “Root of T’char isn’t my favorite flavor anyway.”

I snort at the lie and take a bite of the sandwich, chewing it nice and slowly. It only takes me four chews to realize the horrible truth:

The sandwich is not mine.

The revelation drives me into madness. Pure, unfathomable madness. Man was not meant for such flavor.

« Prev   29   Next »
#1 · 1
· · >>Garnot
Ia! Ia! Sandwich fhtagn!

This is a brilliant execution of the traveler-among-Lovecraftian-things genre. It's also funny and a fairly complete story.

Tier: Top Contender
#2 ·
· · >>Garnot
There's a lot of pretty description here, but overall, this is basically a joke. There's not much plot, and what is there is mostly simple.

I enjoyed it, but I'd like to see something deeper.
#3 · 2
·
The last three lines killed me.
What threw me off however was the first time where the protagonist speaks. Perhaps it was the sudden shift to the mundane way of speech. I think that all in all I would have appreciated far more if the conversation had been carried in a more flowery, self-important, pompous way or even nothing at all, communicating through expressions, movement, and a sense of will. As it is, I can't help but wonder if you didn't have enough time to properly think of what should be said at that point and left it as it. It feels placeholdery, something you meant to return to when you properly set up the rest of the story.
#4 ·
· · >>Garnot
While I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy our trip to the mountains of hunger, I share the sentiment that the ending left a lot to be desired. In execution, if not in concept.

I think I would have preferred it had the story pitted two Elder Beings in a constante back and forth, the theft of the sandwich being the latest in an unending series of pranks and jabs, and the narrative reflected that. I suppose you probably were going for the bait and switch, but it wasn't my cup of existential tea.
#5 ·
· · >>Garnot
Okay. I don’t think I should butter this at all, but I can’t help it. Alright! It was a read. Did I enjoy it? Was it entertaining for me? Did it even pique my interest. Certain parts yes. As a whole not really. I’m not really sure I actually understood what I read or even can at this point. I even love Sci-fi genres, but can’t really make a lick of sense if this is a comedy or just a strange dimensional shifting story.

POSITIVES
Description-Your piece focused more along the lines of what your character here was experiencing and for that I applaud you. Too many stories run pass my eyes that don’t give a definitive image for me to create a life in my head. Which in my opinion is the most immersive a reader can be. Thank you for bringing me into this world and thank you for allowing me to see what was in your head while you wrote. This effort can deepen the bond between reader and writer and is my biggest pet peeve out of any read. Now, the only problem here is that everything was so complex there is literally unlimited ways to interpret the background and current environment your character was in. Things also shifts so suddenly with how much time has passed that I found myself drifting off like one of followers that had found our traveling hero. The good point here is that you placed effort, and this will continue to make you improve beyond your own limits. So keep pushing it.

Premise-A godly traveler seeking out vengeance amongst beings that live outside of our very existence and scientific understanding? A man who is practically lost but knows where he is going with unlimited time on his hands to reach his destination? Not only that, he had a treasured item in which he is risking life, limb, and sanity for just for the comfort of having it back in his possession? Okay you had me hooked from the get go. You had a basic outline that should have done good. The intro was interesting and made way for explaining what exactly was going on within giving away the story. Which is what more rift series do. Giving readers the desire to continue with the read to find out what exactly with happen to this strange man. Now this was all hashed out fine and dandy. I just didn’t think the sandwich worked. And this script was just so epic to begin with that I think the comedy part broke it. You were weaving something really good here but based on what we’re given as far as the prompt and word limit I can see why it was difficult making this work.

NEGATIVES
Topic-You really got off topic here. I was wondering when the sandwich would come out, Only to find myself predicting that eventually it would pop out at a very inappropriate time. I can see why you wanted to make it a conflict but at it’s best it just turned your high point of the story into a disappointment for me. There could have been an epic conclusion and an excellent or smart way of trapping the infinite creature, but it was literally just to have a small talk and grab a sandwich that had been sitting out for eons passed its expiration date. You could have incorporated more luncheon items to make this funny and keep it as you intend it to be, which is a comedy. You could have mentioned a sacred sword (which is secretly a butterknife) and this man was searching for some godly essence (Which could have been butter to butter his toast.) Then after reaching the end of the multi-verse he would need to walk all the way to the other side of the multi-verse just to get the bread, meat, or some other condiment/addition to the sandwich. It could have been something really fun here.

Conflict-There was absolutely challenging for our hero in this story. Other than having patience and a hungry that last for universes at a time. There is no conflict or struggle to look forward to. Reaching the pinnacle of his journey and three sentences end up ending any hope of a sort of bad side to the story. The lack of emotion and drive just made this feel bland. There was no connection in trying to keep me locked on with why this man was even taking his journey in the first place. Why was it so important to deal with “they” who took his item? Right at the point of the confrontation the ball is dropped to where it was just a mistake that turned into a bigger mistake. I just hope you see where you lost me and why I’m only asking questions now? I just don’t understand, and that could be my fault. I may not be the right audience for you. And this is only my opinion.

So another review down. This one wasn’t half bad. Once again I wish this was a no limits event so I could see what this author can muster without incorporating sandwiches and comedy. In fact I can see this easily becoming an original sci-fi series for this author if it’s gets more work. It was kinda fun following along a god-like being that just had a shroud of mystery to him. I actually expected a little bit of a backstory to him, to really make him shine like a true hero. I wanted so badly to know his purpose. And I wish it just wasn’t this nasty thing of bread and roots to be it.
#6 ·
· · >>Garnot
This is an obvious send-up of a Lovecraft story, and I think it succeeds fairly well in its comedic attempt. I suppose your model here was The Dream Quest of Unknown Kadath.

However, I think there are some flaws in the execution: first the repetitions, especially ‘eons’, which might be intentional but is not representative of Lovecraft's prose. In general, the style is alien to any Lovecraft story, and that doesn't fit well with the primary intent.

The lack or scarcity of explicit references was another downer. I mean, you could've used names like Yog-Sothoth or Chthulu, or even threaten the thousand-mouthed figure to send him spend a millenium with Azatoth.

Or on the Moon with Luna.

Sorry, I digress.

Finally it felt really disjointed, and doesn't achieve much besides its blatant jocular scope (but the last lines were fun).
#7 ·
·
A well written, descriptive and amusing joke, this. It's not my preferred style of prose by any means, but I can appreciate good writing when I see it. I'd agree that the central plot is in need of more development, however. Thanks for sharing your work.
#8 ·
·
>>Remedyfortheheart
Hey, thanks for the review. Sorry 'bout the late reply. Been busy.

And yes, I did kinda drop the ball towards the end, partially on account of the word limit, but mostly because I couldn't think of a better way to end the story based on where I had taken the narration. Had I had my way with things, I would have had the two characters interact via gestures and mental images that hinted at a grander conflict between the two, one that had gone on since time immemorial. I also would have dropped flashbacks to the main character's past lives in between the travel. So much I could have added to spice things up.

All in all, though, I think I really enjoyed writing this. Glad you liked the description parts, though. It's kind of what I pride myself in.
#9 ·
· · >>Not_A_Hat
>>Not_A_Hat
Had the word limit not been so short, you would have seen something far, far deeper. As is, I'm actually proud I managed to get out what I did with so few words.
#10 ·
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>>CoffeeMinion
Glad you liked the story
#11 ·
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>>Monokeras
This story as meant to be Lovecraft inspired, not outright Lovecraft lore friendly. I did consider dropping more references, including an outright confirmation that our main character gained his abilities due to being a resident of the Dreamlands, but in the end, I abstained from it, mostly due to the fact that I was short of space. If only the word limit had been larger.

Still, glad you enjoyed what you enjoyed. Makes me happy all the same.
#12 · 1
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>>ZaidValRoa
Your idea was actually one of my first versions of this. Then I quickly realized that it was taking way too many words (the meeting alone went past 1k words). I had to scale this down massively. In truth, what was posted was maybe only 10% of the originally planned story.
#13 ·
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>>Garnot That's the pain of the minific round; I understand, I really do. If you expand it, I'd be interested in reading. I do like what's here.