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To start off, this story is way too fast-paced. In one sentence, she’s being attacked in an alley, but skip a few sentences and she’s suddenly time travelling. Barely any details are given for any of the events; ten words is far from enough to adequately describe an event of Christie’s life.
The plot doesn’t make any sense either. It doesn’t have any coherency to it—it flips from one thing to another with nary a reason or aim. Looking back at the example above, how is time travel, from a jail cell to boot, in any way related to thugs in a alley? And sentient sandwiches? Without any attempt at an in-universe explanation or linking the events together somehow, I’m left hopelessly confused.
Finally, about half the sentences start the same way: Christie did this, Christie did that. It makes the story a bit bland and unfortunately boring to read. However, I think it’s more a symptom of the fast-pacedness and the lack of coherency than a cause in itself.
All in all, I have no idea what’s going on in this story. It’s almost as if this is a rushed crack f—
Yeah.
The plot doesn’t make any sense either. It doesn’t have any coherency to it—it flips from one thing to another with nary a reason or aim. Looking back at the example above, how is time travel, from a jail cell to boot, in any way related to thugs in a alley? And sentient sandwiches? Without any attempt at an in-universe explanation or linking the events together somehow, I’m left hopelessly confused.
Finally, about half the sentences start the same way: Christie did this, Christie did that. It makes the story a bit bland and unfortunately boring to read. However, I think it’s more a symptom of the fast-pacedness and the lack of coherency than a cause in itself.
All in all, I have no idea what’s going on in this story. It’s almost as if this is a rushed crack f—
Oh hey I hit 400 words.
Yeah.
Stuck at home, Christie found an overpowered sentient sandwich in a cardboard box. She adopted the poor little creature.
I get the feeling that this relates to MLD...
---
The pacing was crack and the plot was wack. I know that you weren't trying to write a serious story, but this is plain off the wall.
I have to say I'm surprised there aren't too many crackfics, all things considered. This is the first one I've read.
But yeah, crack is whack and other Reagan era anti-drug slogans.
But yeah, crack is whack and other Reagan era anti-drug slogans.
Oh sorry, didn't mean to interrupt. I'm just going to step back out the door and leave you to... well, whatever it is that you're doing.
Okay, so it was pretty amusing overall, and the ending made me laugh, but yeah... basically, what >>bloons3 said.
Thanks for sharing!
Okay, so it was pretty amusing overall, and the ending made me laugh, but yeah... basically, what >>bloons3 said.
Thanks for sharing!
>>Xepher
I'm going to have to disagree that this is a zero-effort story. I can't read the author's mind (unless I wrote it), of course, but at the very least I'm picking up what looks like a string of references to either famous fanfics (Dashie) or famous storytelling tropes. While you see it as lazy storytelling, it also might be intended as callout satire, going over the top in a similar way to the Lovecraftian-prose stories I just reviewed.
On the other hand. :\
I can see how that was intended as a joke, but fourth-wall breaks are risky humor, and in this context you're definitely gonna lose readers by saying that even you don't respect your material.
I think you're trying here, author. I really do. That doesn't stop me from feeling like this is a swing and a miss, but the Writeoff is a good place for experiments like the narrative device you use here, and even if this one failed I think you've got better stories in you.
Tier: Needs Work
I'm going to have to disagree that this is a zero-effort story. I can't read the author's mind (unless I wrote it), of course, but at the very least I'm picking up what looks like a string of references to either famous fanfics (Dashie) or famous storytelling tropes. While you see it as lazy storytelling, it also might be intended as callout satire, going over the top in a similar way to the Lovecraftian-prose stories I just reviewed.
Oh hey I hit 400 words.
On the other hand. :\
I can see how that was intended as a joke, but fourth-wall breaks are risky humor, and in this context you're definitely gonna lose readers by saying that even you don't respect your material.
I think you're trying here, author. I really do. That doesn't stop me from feeling like this is a swing and a miss, but the Writeoff is a good place for experiments like the narrative device you use here, and even if this one failed I think you've got better stories in you.
Tier: Needs Work
>>horizon
Yeah, that...
I see some clever here, sure, but I find it hard to like something that purports to disrespect the entire contest itself. If you go meta with a story, you have a really, really hard mountain to climb. Don't jump into the shark pit if you aren't prepared. This... It went deep meta and fails horribly. Sorry, but them's the breaks.
Oh hey I hit 400 words.
On the other hand. :\
Yeah, that...
I see some clever here, sure, but I find it hard to like something that purports to disrespect the entire contest itself. If you go meta with a story, you have a really, really hard mountain to climb. Don't jump into the shark pit if you aren't prepared. This... It went deep meta and fails horribly. Sorry, but them's the breaks.