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The Mission of a Lifetime
“This is it, the biggest job anyone has ever taken on. We will be up against the most rigorous security ever designed by man. A veritable army of mercenaries surround the compound and patrol every accessible route in and out, a laser fence surrounds them and don’t get me started on the amount of electronically locked doors between you and the vault. That last part is of course the most important, if we can get past everything else the vault door will stand between you and our prize. Intel says that this vault is completely impenetrable without activating five fingerprint scanners simultaneously throughout the entire compound.”
I looked up at my commanding officer as he went through the details of our upcoming op. I was lucky enough to be picked for this mission, one that if we succeeded would place us all in the history books. Nothing of this magnitude had ever been done in the history of Earth and I would be on ground zero.
“You have all been tested and picked as the strongest of our great and powerful military forces. But not only that, you all have the tactical awareness and skills to make yourselves the ultimate operatives on the planet. Now what we ask of you will be difficult and not all of you may return home, but for those of you that fall your comrades who continue in your absence will know of your heroism and will spread their tales amongst all those they meet. Everyone who stands in this room right now will have their names go down in history as the greatest heroes who ever lived! What do you say to that men?”
“And women!” A voice called out from the middle of the line.
“Ahh yes, and women. My apologies Sergeant Baker.”
We all chuckled at the words of our Sergeant and Lieutenant, they had been holding onto this joke for a very long time.
Our eyes scanned over each other, ensuring that we all were in top shape for our mission. We stood there, the seven most highly skilled soldiers in the army’s history preparing for the mission of a lifetime.
“So what does you say men… and women?”
“Hoorah!” A chorus of voices answered back, my own adding to it.
“For who do you fight?”
“For our country and for our fellow man!”
“In the field what are your objectives?”
“Protect our brothers-in-arms and complete our mission!”
“Good good, I think you’re ready!”
With those words we broke formation, readying our combat gear and personalizing our kits to suit our individual skillsets. A fist lightly bumped into my right shoulder and I looked over to the owner.
“So are you ready?” He asked me.
“I was born ready, nothing will stand in our way and we will bring back our target.”
“Good. I would hate to lose a brother. Not over the president's damn sandwich!”
I looked up at my commanding officer as he went through the details of our upcoming op. I was lucky enough to be picked for this mission, one that if we succeeded would place us all in the history books. Nothing of this magnitude had ever been done in the history of Earth and I would be on ground zero.
“You have all been tested and picked as the strongest of our great and powerful military forces. But not only that, you all have the tactical awareness and skills to make yourselves the ultimate operatives on the planet. Now what we ask of you will be difficult and not all of you may return home, but for those of you that fall your comrades who continue in your absence will know of your heroism and will spread their tales amongst all those they meet. Everyone who stands in this room right now will have their names go down in history as the greatest heroes who ever lived! What do you say to that men?”
“And women!” A voice called out from the middle of the line.
“Ahh yes, and women. My apologies Sergeant Baker.”
We all chuckled at the words of our Sergeant and Lieutenant, they had been holding onto this joke for a very long time.
Our eyes scanned over each other, ensuring that we all were in top shape for our mission. We stood there, the seven most highly skilled soldiers in the army’s history preparing for the mission of a lifetime.
“So what does you say men… and women?”
“Hoorah!” A chorus of voices answered back, my own adding to it.
“For who do you fight?”
“For our country and for our fellow man!”
“In the field what are your objectives?”
“Protect our brothers-in-arms and complete our mission!”
“Good good, I think you’re ready!”
With those words we broke formation, readying our combat gear and personalizing our kits to suit our individual skillsets. A fist lightly bumped into my right shoulder and I looked over to the owner.
“So are you ready?” He asked me.
“I was born ready, nothing will stand in our way and we will bring back our target.”
“Good. I would hate to lose a brother. Not over the president's damn sandwich!”
Hmm... I'm not sure this one works for me. Even given the comedic potential of the prompt, there's just something in the juxtaposition between the set-up and the reveal that fails. It's not that the reveal is so ridiculous, as I'm guessing that was the whole point, it's more that the set-up just doesn't do a good enough job of framing it for it to sufficiently stand out. It's making fair attempts to be realistic, which I guess is the point, right? That the humour is in the contrast. But it needs something more. Like, I think it would almost work better if the reveal wasn't a reveal, but was used throughout the scene, which could become even more OTT/almost satirical as a result. I'm sure parallels could be drawn from that.
Unless I'm really missing the point, which happens more often than not.
Couple of typos in there, but nothing a deadline-free eye wouldn't pick out. Thanks for sharing your work.
Unless I'm really missing the point, which happens more often than not.
Couple of typos in there, but nothing a deadline-free eye wouldn't pick out. Thanks for sharing your work.
Well they have to spend their budget somehow.
Not to repeat what was said earlier, but the build-up and reveal feel somewhat disjointed. You could have embraced the wackiness and make it over the top, or played it straight and have them be serious about the retrieval mission.
As it stands, it feels somewhat dissapointing. The subversion comes too fast and there's no real payoff there.
Not to repeat what was said earlier, but the build-up and reveal feel somewhat disjointed. You could have embraced the wackiness and make it over the top, or played it straight and have them be serious about the retrieval mission.
As it stands, it feels somewhat dissapointing. The subversion comes too fast and there's no real payoff there.
Considering the briefing and the prompt I kind of expected the punchline by the end of the second paragraph, and that kinda killed my interest in the story considering the rest didn't really work for me.
I appreciate the tongue in cheek tone you used in the first part of the story, it flowed well, but I don't think it worked for the kind of joke you wanted to write.
If I had to suggest changes I think that maybe going to the extremes in one of two directions could fix the story for me. Either down the path of clichè gritty realism by toning down the jokes in the briefing and making it clear that everyone involved is dead serious and sees nothing bizarre or strange in the mission, or by going over-the-top and making the briefing a grotesque exaggeration of the worst gung-ho attitude found in b-movies. The first way enhances the contrast of between the mission and the objective and doesn't give away the punchline too soon, the second would make it coherent and be more a build-up to the punchline, working by escalating the situation and making it less disjointed.
Thank you for writing this story. Despite what my comment seems to imply, I'm quite happy for every entry in the write-off, even if they don't work for me specifically.
I appreciate the tongue in cheek tone you used in the first part of the story, it flowed well, but I don't think it worked for the kind of joke you wanted to write.
If I had to suggest changes I think that maybe going to the extremes in one of two directions could fix the story for me. Either down the path of clichè gritty realism by toning down the jokes in the briefing and making it clear that everyone involved is dead serious and sees nothing bizarre or strange in the mission, or by going over-the-top and making the briefing a grotesque exaggeration of the worst gung-ho attitude found in b-movies. The first way enhances the contrast of between the mission and the objective and doesn't give away the punchline too soon, the second would make it coherent and be more a build-up to the punchline, working by escalating the situation and making it less disjointed.
Thank you for writing this story. Despite what my comment seems to imply, I'm quite happy for every entry in the write-off, even if they don't work for me specifically.
I'm going to go further than >>Orbiting_kettle, because I read the first two sentences:
And I thought to myself, "This is building up to a punchline in which they are breaking into a maximum-security vault for a mere sandwich," and I was exactly right, and so 450 of your 480 words felt basically wasted.
Here's the thing about that. (I'm going to spoiler-text it as a story courtesy, but this is a discussion of general storytelling principle, so I'd recommend everyone either skim this story real quick, or just spoil yourself if you don't think you're going to end up reading it.)
Prompt drops are inherently risky (see >>horizon), but using a prompt drop as a punchline is pretty much a guaranteed path to an underwhelming story — because comedy is about subverting expectations, and in the context of a competition like this, using the prompt is literally the least unexpected thing you can do. It's right there in the rules that you have to relate the story to the prompt somehow, and if you've gotten to the last paragraph without doing so, where else is it gonna be? That's magnified by this round's prompt being so unambiguous (and therefore limiting) — you don't even get the wiggle room of "how is the author going to interpret the prompt to work this in?"
The way to make a limiting prompt work for you in a comedy is to realize that absolutely everyone is going to see the prompt coming — and then to get it out of the way as quickly as possible, so that you can spring fresh surprises on your readers, liberated from predictability. If this had been about a Mission Impossible break-in, but right in the second paragraph one of the crucial team members couldn't be arsed to do the job because they've got a lunch date at the deli, then the story from there is wide open and you can crack fresh jokes. Even if you'd played the raid straight and simply told us up front that the target was a sandwich, suddenly we have no clue where the story's actually going to end up. (And neither will you! That can be a little intimidating, because you're going to have to come up with a better punchline. But putting in the effort to do so will get your work a better reception anyhow.)
Beyond that, well, eh. The text here all serves as build-up, so there's not much to appreciate beyond the core premise that didn't land for me. I had some mild interest in the gender roles digression, though that also weirdly clashes with the "fellow man" and "brothers" call-and-response which immediately follows it. Effort clearly went into this story, and I don't want to discount that, but in my particular case it was doomed from the start. Sorry.
Tier: Misaimed
“This is it, the biggest job anyone has ever taken on. We will be up against the most rigorous security ever designed by man. …
And I thought to myself, "This is building up to a punchline in which they are breaking into a maximum-security vault for a mere sandwich," and I was exactly right, and so 450 of your 480 words felt basically wasted.
Here's the thing about that. (I'm going to spoiler-text it as a story courtesy, but this is a discussion of general storytelling principle, so I'd recommend everyone either skim this story real quick, or just spoil yourself if you don't think you're going to end up reading it.)
Prompt drops are inherently risky (see >>horizon), but using a prompt drop as a punchline is pretty much a guaranteed path to an underwhelming story — because comedy is about subverting expectations, and in the context of a competition like this, using the prompt is literally the least unexpected thing you can do. It's right there in the rules that you have to relate the story to the prompt somehow, and if you've gotten to the last paragraph without doing so, where else is it gonna be? That's magnified by this round's prompt being so unambiguous (and therefore limiting) — you don't even get the wiggle room of "how is the author going to interpret the prompt to work this in?"
The way to make a limiting prompt work for you in a comedy is to realize that absolutely everyone is going to see the prompt coming — and then to get it out of the way as quickly as possible, so that you can spring fresh surprises on your readers, liberated from predictability. If this had been about a Mission Impossible break-in, but right in the second paragraph one of the crucial team members couldn't be arsed to do the job because they've got a lunch date at the deli, then the story from there is wide open and you can crack fresh jokes. Even if you'd played the raid straight and simply told us up front that the target was a sandwich, suddenly we have no clue where the story's actually going to end up. (And neither will you! That can be a little intimidating, because you're going to have to come up with a better punchline. But putting in the effort to do so will get your work a better reception anyhow.)
Beyond that, well, eh. The text here all serves as build-up, so there's not much to appreciate beyond the core premise that didn't land for me. I had some mild interest in the gender roles digression, though that also weirdly clashes with the "fellow man" and "brothers" call-and-response which immediately follows it. Effort clearly went into this story, and I don't want to discount that, but in my particular case it was doomed from the start. Sorry.
Tier: Misaimed
I'll have to echo what other reviewers said above: the punchline was given away far too quickly and easily to feel satisfying by the time I reached the end.
Good job on building an over-the-top setup, but aside from the problem that it's sort of lost on the obvious ending, I feel as if it should have either been played with more subtle realism, if this was supposed to sound serious to contrast with the triviality of their target, or played to even more riotous absurdity for more consistent comedic effect through satirizing the common cliches of military porn, if that was the intent. As currently written, the fact that I'm having trouble telling which was intended leaves me feeling like it needs a lot of refining in one of those two directions.
Good job on building an over-the-top setup, but aside from the problem that it's sort of lost on the obvious ending, I feel as if it should have either been played with more subtle realism, if this was supposed to sound serious to contrast with the triviality of their target, or played to even more riotous absurdity for more consistent comedic effect through satirizing the common cliches of military porn, if that was the intent. As currently written, the fact that I'm having trouble telling which was intended leaves me feeling like it needs a lot of refining in one of those two directions.
Note to self: Spend more than 30 minutes writing your stories.
But yeah in all seriousness I see where you guys are coming from. The idea was good but the execution was flawed.
I'll take your words under advisement with my next attempts.
But yeah in all seriousness I see where you guys are coming from. The idea was good but the execution was flawed.
I'll take your words under advisement with my next attempts.