Genre: Attempting to straddle the line between comedy and slice-of-life

Thoughts: I guess I'm going to have to be in the minority here. :unsuresweetie:

I gathered from the other reviews that this was going to be a comedy, and indeed, there were a handful of moments where I saw that. The moment with Spike gave me a genuine laugh, and the recurring thing about Starlight was amusing, and of course the caramel-and-meat-tenderizer scene was pure unadulterated lol.

However, the rest of the middle section seemed much more like a straightforward slice-of-life, except that the premise was so offbeat that I kept waiting for either more overt comedy, or deeper and more serious commentary. And maybe it's that I kept wanting to see more the latter; for me, the addiction angle seemed to ring true, and I read what was happening as truly an attempt to get over addiction. Despite the high intrinsic comedy value of the specific addiction, I was hoping we would get some resolution of that as the story wound toward its conclusion. The falling-off-the-wagon moment seemed like a fine, and perhaps even expected, way to delivered that. I figured the finale would provide some kind of commentary about that as it wrapped things up.

But when I got to the finale, I started feeling cognitive dissonance as I tried to reconcile two of Twilight's statements with each other:

“Technically, no crime has been committed. Oriole is a monster and monsters, by their nature, do monstrous things. We can certainly defend our town from her, but we can no more prosecute her for seducing and trying to eat a stallion than we could prosecute a mosquito for sucking somepony’s blood.”

Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned that no matter how hard you try at any particular venture, there will be setbacks. Ponies can’t change overnight, and it’s not your fault if other people fail, as long as you do your best to help them.

And there's the problem: Is Oriole "just a monster" or not? Twilight seems to give two different answers here; first dismissing Oriole's sapience (if I'm using the term correctly), but then following it up with a lesson that relies on Oriole actually having been sapient. And as I thought back through the story, I realized that that same inconsistency is prevalent throughout: Oriole acts like a sapient being, and Rarity seems to make progress with her by treating her as one, but there's this constant negativity by Twilight that's like, "Nerp, she was monster the whole time!" And in the end, even though Twilight tries to soften the blow to Rarity, it seems like that more negative perspective wins. And even worse, that is a key part of the story's message.

Now of course, saying a story has a "bad" message is deeply subjective, and that could qualify this as an Abstain for me. But on the other hoof, I love absurd comedy (>>Moosetasm will back me up on this), so I feel a little emboldened to assert that this isn't nailing that. I think there's really and truly a strange imbalance between the comedic bits and the heavy (perhaps troubling) statements about Oriole's lack of person-hood which would need to be handled more consistently in order for this to shine. Don't get me wrong, there's stuff in here that makes me laugh, and the writing itself is solid. But as it is right now, I can't engage my absurd-comedy-appreciation-mode because I keep getting jarred out of it by bits that make me feel kind of icky laughing at them.

Tier: Needs Work

I'll admit this is most likely my personal bias speaking, but I believe I would've liked this story a tad more had it been less, well, random.

Don't misunderstand me, I think the core concept and general execution are pretty interesting, but its short length works against itself. The setup and explanation of the joke comes too fast, as does Cadence's and Spike's explanations. Plus we didn't get to see more of Twilight's thought process as she goes about making life out of nothing at all, which is a real pity.

As it stands, the issues are resolved too quickly for me to get really invested, which can probably be chalked up to the time constraints.

Definitely a diamond in the rough.

I managed to put myself in a head-space where as I read I could hear Luna narrate it in my head and that made it all the better. There aren't enough stories about Equestrian myths and legends and fairy tales out there - this was a very fun take on 'What would the ancient past have told for stories?'

Nitpick :

You may come to, Pinkie Pie

-> Should be too.

This totally seems like what Luna would do during Nightmare Night nowadays.

>>Posh
It's funny because I was going to complain this leans a bit too heavily on Zephyr = Jean-Ralphio or however you spelled his name to the point of basically ripping the entire scene off with ponies subbed in. Use Entertainment 720 or whatever if you want, but I'd advise spinning the idea into your own version rather than straight up doing P&R wholesale.

Anyhow yea, title spoiler kinda hurt this too. It could be...ok, but at the same time, for me? One episode of Zephyr Breeze is all the Zephyr I need for like, forever. I won't hold that against you but it leaves me biased against the story.

The ending line did get a chuckle though, even if I saw it coming. And the CMC were great.

You had the makings of a serious horror fic there at the beginning. Good atmosphere and tension building. I wonder... in another part of the ruins if there isn't a tunnel... just the right size, like it were made for her... O_O;

Well, I liked the tales of Shining Armor, the foalmancer. Also, kudos on the proper interrobang symbol.

Full disclosure here. I really like stories about different sets of Mane 6 taking over the roles of Element Bearers, they're a guilty pleasure of mine. And I've to say I didn't feel guilty about liking this story.

On the plus side, the CMC were great and had loveable interaction, Shining Armor fulfilled his role as the sane(r) pony, Maud was mauddeningly entertaining as always. And Zephyr was, well, Zephyr.

Now, on the other hand, I don't think you exploited this concept as far as you could've. Time constraing, writer's block, I don't know, but the sudden shift in narration from first person to "let's recount all the events as fast as possible so we can get to the showdown with Nightmare Moon" really is a heavy strike against the story.

I believe with a little more polishing and a little bit of expansion so every alternate bearer can get a better moment to shine, you can have a fun little AU fic that will probably spawn its own verse with throes of people making spin-off sequels to it by rewriting the show with the new M6.

The fact this is titled 'Room' and the initial circumstances had me worried this was going to go into a different direction which I am glad it didn't.

I followed most of it, and the Elements together make sense, but the rest? There's too many scraps and not enough meat for me. What happened to the future? Why are they back? What problem are they needed for?

It'd be nice if those questions were at least answered, too. Still - Solid entry.

>>Morning Sun I would agree with you about overplaying the Parks and Rec stuff if it weren't confined to one scene. Like, if Zephyr's entire role in the story was to just be Tom or Jean-Ralphio, then yes, that would have been distracting and annoying and would have gotten old quickly. References like that get tedious if they're overplayed, or if the story isn't intended to be a parody of some other media.

This one, I thought was okay. And I'm speaking as someone who didn't particularly care for Tom's character until after his company failed and he grew up (and as someone who loathed Jean-Ralphio).

>>Morning Sun

The fact this is titled 'Room' and the initial circumstances had me worried this was going to go into a different direction which I am glad it didn't.

I know what you mean. How close we could have come to the tragedy of... Tommy Wipeaun.

"I did naht hit Rarity. Iss not true, I did naht hit her. I did NAHT. O hai Flash."

"Ahahaha. Wotter story Rainbow."

"Thanks for talking to me, Twilight." "You are very welcome, Spike, and keep in mind, if you have any problems, talk to me, and I will help you out. Let's go eat, HONK."

(Funny, because my last response to you was about stories parodying or taking after other media. And again, it's like poetry, sort of. They rhyme.)

Gonna cheat and say that, yeah, I agree with Sorning Mun. Once I figured out what was going on, I was intrigued, but the story stops short of providing the necessary detail and context to really get it. I still liked it as a psychological mindscrew-type tale, however.

This was... really nice.

And I don't mean it in a condescending way, I had a grin plastered over my face as I finished the story. This was really heartwarming.

I always appreciate when someone takes the less tread path of making a solid SoL fluff and making it engaging instead of trying to go over the top and ending with a lackluster story that bit more than it could chew.

I loved the characterisation and interactions you had here. "Pinkie Pie in pure Perfect Pie Power mode", indeed. And thanks for not beating us over the head with the Aesop, but rather showing us Spike's steps to mending his relationships with the rest of Ponyville.

My only gripe with the story would be that several scenes in the middle section flew a bit too fast. As Fan already said, the rest of the Mane6 did little to help the core of the story beyond "And she's here too" moments. Also, I personally would have liked to spend a bit more time with Pinkie and Spike as they went about fixing the clown. Nothing to go overboard, just letting us see how they bond.

Still, a solid piece, and one of the highlights of this round for me so far.

I only have eight stories left to review and I've to say I'm really liking this round. Even with the stories I didn't enjoy as much I can still see a great deal of effort and dedication.

Everyone, pat yourselves in the back and imagine I'm doing it, great job all around.

Unlike a few of the other comments, I'm enjoying enough this strange mix of FiM and 1990s-era-full-of-oneself-ness that I would have gladly kept reading more. It's the right mix of irreverent and not taking itself seriously for me to like somewhat - still, at the same time it's definitely going to have to have a hook to really tie it all together, so in that regard I also really agree with GGA that I'm hoping this gets a bit more to it than just 'Ponies, but HIPSTERS'

Not gonna tier it since it's a WIP; keep at it, though. Good first effort.

>>Posh
Oh thank Celestia I didn't mean THAT abomination. No, that is 'The Room'. There is another movie about a year old called 'Room' which is about a woman who was abducted and held captive in a closed room and this one gave me echoes of that at the start - it deals with some pretty serious stuff and so I was worried this was going to go in a similar direction

I want to have more to say, but yea, this basically could be an episode unto itself, you know, if episodes were allowed to touch on things like indentured servitude and gambling debts.

Which they aren't, but, you know.

Really, the one nitpick I have is the idea Equestria would /allow/ indentured servitude. And that like, Zephyr couldn't declare bankruptcy, discharge his debts, and then restart. But that's a relatively small hole in an otherwise high tier story.

And that's despite the fact I hate Zephyr and he grates on me everytime I hear or read him talk :p

There's a bit of choppiness right in the resolution - we never really see Magnet declare her intent to retain her mark, or anything, the spirit just explodes. Some bit about her making the choice, even if we just see it in the set of her jaw or a sudden standing her ground would add much to the climax here.

Apart from that I have no real nitpicks. Solid entry

she slipped both her forelegs behind her mane

I get what you're trying to say there, but just "behind her head" would be better.

"Twilight groaned and frowned. “Okay. Let me get this straight: did you come all the way from school just to tell me I should feel bad about being less tight-assed than you?"

Where did Twilight say anything about them being "tight-assed"? Quite the contrary, she's been complaining about their off-color joke.

You couldn’t’ve told me first, rather than all that drivel about Moondancer, you retard?

...I don't understand why do they still hang out with this Twilight or invite her to get-togethers, seeing as she's an utter jerk who's constantly insulting everyone.



Anyway, this feels clumsy and disjointed more than anything... perhaps because this is just Part One of something. There doesn't seem to be any point to the jokes about lesbians, either.

It seems inconsistent that only Pinkie, Dash and Rarity (and presumably Fluttershy and Applejack) are their "alternate selves" with synonyms for names, while nobody else is. (Hey, come to think of it, there's an idea: maybe this "Twilight Sparkle" isn't alt!Twilight Sparkle at all, but rather alt!Sunset Shimmer? Not that it's such an interesting idea, admittedly.)

Hmm. I'm not sure what I think about this. I do like the idea that dreams can at least partly escape into Equestria. That seems a lovely little manifestation of pony magic.

Yet I am also left, I suppose, unsatisfied by the fact we have no idea what happened to Sunrise. She just disappears and - well. That does happen, sometimes, in the real world. It's not inconceivable, but...it's also I suppose for me? Emotionally unsatisfying. There's so many hints earlier as if she were transformed somehow, but...I suppose we shan't know, but I don't know if that's a good thing. I don't quite feel it is.

But the ending? The ending was pleasant - he found her again, in his own way.

I think the above, particularly Trumpet, really go into it. Why do her eyes not regenerate when everything else does? Sure, we can just accept it, but when you go on and on about alicorn regeneration otherwise being so amazing, it is a hole.

I do, however, think there should be clarity as to the calamity that causes it. Noble sacrifice? Disease? Did she go rushing into an active volcano? Walk into a superheated reactor? Stand at grand zero of a nuke? I mean, how it happened casts everything to come in various different shades; if she were a victim of an accident, then her reactions here make sense. If she were fighting some form of foe and won at a terrible cost, then there should be a reflection of that; if she were attacked and defeated, reflect that, and so on - so the origin does matter.

The magical sonar and pegasus windreading were definitely cool takes on how those two tribes might deal with blindness. Ultimately, though, in some ways? Much as I love Sunhorse stories, I feel as if this might be better if Twilight were the one in question. Celestia, well - I feel she'd take it more in stride than this. Upset, certainly. Sad, certainly. But she...curls inwards in a way that the story will want to build credence for. Why is she so incredibly shaken? What makes this so much worse? She is reacting like Rainbow Dash learning that she won't fly again, but unlike Dash we're not given to see her place incredible value in colors as a deep part of her personality.

Tier : Solid, though could use polishing and reflection

So this was a thing? I couldn’t help but feel this story lost it’s place with just complex of an idea the entire plotline was. When I think of “The Darkest Hour” I wanna actually feel some dark. Not necessarily grim and morbid, but something that gives off that feeling of hope and despair. While this piece did focus on everything being lost all at once it really doesn’t do the justice of “an end to all things.


POSITIVES

Intricate - It’s very hard to predict the outcome of what was really going on. With what was barely answered you get a good grasp of a reader’s attention to continue onwards with the details of your story. I wanted to know more and more about what was actually going on, but one predictable thing kept crossing my mind. When dealing with aliens and universal messages from space, it always spells out “doomsday”. With that in mind it came to no surprise that eventually the land was going to end up in oblivion. We learn that Equestria is actually a planet and that somehow Discord is God himself, or at least some omega being that can defy the very nature of the universe along with other omega beings? Aside from these facts you get this sense of curiosity on why and how the world is going to end. Since there’s usually a reason behind killing off a very life abundant planet. Which we get that in the end, though once everything is figured out it feels like the story and it’s entertaining pieces cut short and just end there. This piece could have the very same effect on it’s readers without it’s ending being there by fading everything to black in a pony’s perspective of life. This can emphasize the termination of said life and show that the world was sacrifice and still keep that trait of curiosity intact.The ending just didn’t really make me feel or learn anything, so it felt lacking of something. Though it’s obvious the high point is finding out the reason behind the message and why this world needed to be destroyed.


Science Fiction - I felt that the interstellar ending of creation and destruction was very well done. It’s very hard to picture and grasp, but adds an amazing sense of creativity coming from the author. I imagine that this has been an idea of yours from some time or you took inspiration from another creative piece. I enjoyed it, but it felt overshadowed by the mystery of the floating rays of words that herald in the coming of an end to all things. The dark hidden secret behind those sent extraterrestrial letters clearly shined above the awe and wonder of how it would be to create a completely new universe. Since we also know that Discord was only creating a copy it left very little to imagine. The use of atoms, the veil of the night sky, and dimensional shifting adds for a omnipotent story. This being MLP seems like it didn’t mix very well. I would have loved to see this part of your mind paint brand new images in my head to give me endless possibilities for a non MLP story. I really think you have the makings of creating a different piece and add that “creator of the universe” spin on it. I assure you you’d do remarkable on creating such a story.


NEGATIVES

Motives - I don’t see a lot of motives behind the events in this story. It often makes me ponder “why” in the middle of a sentence when you try to explain something that isn’t originally from the series. In fact one of my biggest concerns is asking “why” Discord has been so calm in this story. Even while being completely distraught, we have managed to see that Discord really never loses his wacky sense on things around him. Also why would he need a pocket universe? Had he foreseen his relationship with Fluttershy, since he stole that mass of the universe eons ago? Who is trying to destroy Equestria and why? I doubt a race of sentient animals that don’t have access into space yet would be a good target for anything other than resources. They’re also not entirely defenseless with all that magic. This just makes it seem less believable than it already is. So I just couldn’t see any of this happening within the universe we’ve come to love. Content in a story should be supported by why and how. Things needed to be fully explained and hashed out before you can present them. Or else you end up with nothing but confusion, and as complex as this piece is you only seem to deepen the hole necessary to fill in to keep your story stable in the eyes of its readers.


Focus - Who is the main character for the story? Discord? Twilight? I actually had much more interest in Spike, being his sly self, or Stranger, being the ever powerful wise space jellyfish. My point is that you bounced around too much on characters during events. We don’t really seem to follow one particular person and therefore we do not create that relationship needed for character and reader to feel for these pieces in the story. I would have love getting to know Discord’s exact emotions rather than guessing it along with Fluttershy and Celestia. I wanted to feel bad for him, because he had to tear down all his hard work. But none of it had anything to back up that Discord had a goal in mind. None of it supported the idea that Discord was an unsung hero long ago by isolating the planet he came to love. (Which didn’t he try to create a chaotic personal playground out of that very world?) It just doesn’t help that I’m clueless on what the character wanted or felt and then had little to no reason to doing it other than, one reason. So I can’t buy it like it is. Discord had a lot of reasons for stopping the 6 from imprisoning him again. Discord had a lot of reasons to befriend Fluttershy and more often than not to save her or stand up for her. I just don’t see these same outlines outlined for me within this story and it’s rather aggravating, because I want to.

It wasn’t disappointing, but I think it would have done a lot better being non MLP. As big of a set of fans as we are in this fandom, I didn’t think we could be offset on forgetting characters. That’s not to say the author didn’t grasp the characters right. I just think the artist on this piece did some better than others, when there should be a balance to them all. We don’t get a main character clearly shown to us and then there’s the ever expanding question of “the world is going to die?” Which was pretty much the most delightful trait of the story in my opinion. Its not a bad read but I did wish the author here would have explored more on his content to make it smoother. I don’t really like it when two ideas collide, because it takes much more work making both of them sensible with each other.

>>Remedyfortheheart
Basically every answer to your question is part of the book inspiring this - Death's End by Cixin Liu. And, well, explaining all of it fully would basically double or more the length of the story, because you need to then explain Dark Forest cosmology as well as dimensional collapse MAD scenarios.

Ah. A look inside Starlight’s mind after the second act of “Every Little Thing She Does.” This should be quite interesting.

A fantastic breakdown of Starlight as she breaks down. More importantly, it tracks her thought process as she manages to glue the pieces together enough to get out there and keep trying. I’m no omnicide, but I can definitely empathize with wondering if I should keep going after a major mistake. This was wonderfully heartfelt. Heck, it made me feel genuinely emotional about Starlight in the middle of what I consider one of the worst episodes of the show! That’s a definite mark in your favor.

Hmm. You’re going to try to make me feel sorry for the sirens, aren’t you? I should warn you, that’s an uphill battle.

… Yeah, I’m not buying any “We’re all in this together” warm fuzzies coming from these three. Not based on what we’ve seen of them in canon. Still, let’s see where the story takes them.

I’ll admit, Sonata’s attempts at untoasting made me laugh.

Yeah, sorry, but this just feels unjustified. Granted, I am definitely not the target audience for siren redemption stories. This story demonstrates why, asking me to accept an entire layer to their characters that was never on display in the film. And, as CoffeMinion noted, there’s a major disconnect between getting rent money and making nice with the Rainbooms. Figure out a way to mesh the two and you’ll be well on your way to improving this.

I’m going to have to join the chorus asking what makes eyes so special. (Caution: kind of gory: And given the wonders of alicorn regeneration, I can’t help but wonder if it might be better to just pull out the defective ones in the hope that a replacement pair will grow in.)

There are definitely some interesting concepts here, but it just never meshed for me. As Morning Sun noted, understanding just what was hot and bright enough to blind and burn Sunbutt would do a lot to provide context for the rest of the story. Indeed, switching to a different pony would likely help as well. I’m not saying Celestia is or should be emotionally invulnerable, but seeing her this dejected feels… off. Very off.

Genre: Paranormal romance?

Thoughts: Okay, so this does need a good editing pass, and that's distracting at times. But for me, the story here is utterly unique and utterly Rarity. What starts with overtones of stalking ends with a surprisingly beautiful embrace. There's a strong emotional connection, and lots of great detail about Rarity's life and situation along the way. Maybe the thing that really sells this for me is how plausible it feels to have sleep be personified in Equestria; there's already a strong presence of Greek mythological concepts in the world, and this feels like a natural extension of them.

In the end, I think this is more of a celebration of Rarity's good qualities than a rebuke of her tendency to overdo things sometimes, and I can get behind that.

Tier: Strong

I presume you’re going for Luna’s voice, but the opening narration doesn’t quite get there, feeling less antiquated and more excessively verbose for its own sake.

That being said, the fable was well put together, a blend of a story of threes and a “just so” cosmogony. Quite enjoyable once it got going. Well, other than the tacked-on Twiluna at the end, but that did little to disrupt the proceedings. Fine work that just needs a little more polish at the ends.

Um… Hmm. Sorry, but whatever the others are seeing in this, I’m not. The initial premise is certainly interesting, but it never really goes anywhere. There’s some tension between Twilight and Rarity, but that’s not really the focus. Oriole keeps avoiding her problem, leading to minimal tension once it’s established that she’s exclusively andramorous/androvorous. Not much happens, and not much keeps happening. I feel like this could’ve been a kiloword or two shorter.

The comedy fell flat for me as well, since it largely revolves around a single joke: Oriole used to eat people. That’s it. I’m glad others enjoyed this. Sorry to say I’m not sure how to adjust it to appeal to me.

I’m guessing this won’t have anything to do with ballet.

Nope, no ballet to be found. Just pedal-to-the-metal sci-fi horror, both in terms of the story’s pacing and possibly the author’s rush to get it out. The story becomes progressively more hyperactive and harder to follow with time, and doesn’t end so much as stop. Options are discarded before they’re ever explored, organization efforts happen entirely off-screen, refugees shuffle off with apparently no emotion whatsoever…

Yeah, this is pretty half-baked. It needs several times the word count you gave it to work properly. I hope you give it that; the concept is quite intriguing.

>>Morning Sun
Actually, between the Apples' being at risk of losing the farm when dramatically appropriate and Dash trying to exchange Fluttershy for a book in "Trade Ya!", I'd say both debt and indentured servitude have been covered on the show.

I agree in places with those who’ve come before me. This was a well-done sports drama, with good beats on initial status, training, and confrontation against the rival. You definitely revealed Mac’s history way too early with that bit with mane colors, but that wasn't what killed it for me.

This didn’t feel like Rainbow Dash.

First, we’ve seen how the Wonderbolts appear to be the only thing in the world that can force a sense of perspective on Dash. En route to the Equestria Games, she’s forced to admit that they don’t have that greta a chance at beating the Wonderbolt-filled Cloudsdale relay team.

Second, the idea of a Dash who coasts on natural talent doesn’t really mesh with what we’ve seen of her. How often has she been practicing tricks, refining her approach, striving for improvement?

Finally, the idea of her giving up partway just feels wrong. By the time she’s a cadet, she should not be that petulant, especially when up against one of her idols.

Again, this was a good story, but its protagonist just didn’t feel like the pony she was supposed to be. I don’t know how much of that view boils down to clashing headcanons, but it kept me from enjoying this story to the fullest.

>>FanOfMostEverything I guess this is why you're FanOfMostEverything.

This was... sweet. But as has been pointed out, lacking some critical backstory and information. I think my biggest sticking point was how the reveal seemed to come out of left field. I think more could have been done to make this... dreamier?

Also, as a way of addressing the problem with Sunrise's disappearance going unexplained: Maybe make her Sunset instead, and throw some dramatic irony the reader's way. You may have to do some jiggery-pokery with your in-story timeline to make that work, but...

It's just a suggestion; take it or leave it if you'd like.

“Neigh, then ‘dark as night’ meant a pony was mysterious, hard to know well, but perhaps possessed of glimmers of something better…” Luna’s face twisted into a grimace. “Glimmers of something better gleaming under the surface. Ugh. My apologies, sister. It is not you who has offended me, but language itself.”

Sunny/Glimglam wordplay never ceases to entertain me It occurs to me that this may have been unintentional; I blame the series for making me associate that word with Starlight.

Kibbitz muddled this over. “Whether or not it is despicable is a matter of some debate, Your Highness. However, if you are truly willing to do anything for this…”

“I am.”

He took a deep breath and said, “It is known as a focus group...”

Such a little thing, but I laughed out loud at it. There are a lot of lines like this in the story that crack me up.

D'aww, and that ending. This was so damn cute. Funny, too, and well-rooted in the series' lore and tone. I can't even think of anything to suggest. Now I have to decide whether it or The Lamia will get the top spot on my slate.

*HEAD EXPLODES*

Sorry, I can't. I can't. Joyce and I have a bad relationship. I can't keep reading this. I'm so sorry; that's a disservice to this author and the time and care that went into this story. I'm sure it's an achievement, but I have to abstain.

My biggest gripe in what's otherwise a great thriller, is that the resolution isn't brought so much by Twilight making clear deductions and unravelling the mystery but rather by simply confronting Celestia and having her spell out the solution to the audience.

After seeing Twilight pick apart the crime scene and possible motivations so efficiently, it really is anticlimactic that the big reveal comes through expodumping in lieu of actual detective work, which you've shown you're capable of writing.

Yes, there's issues with characterisation, the inner workings of the nobility, and payrolls and whatnot, but I'm willing to accept all of these as long as the story puts forth something equally valuable to balance it out. And while the story did indeed manage to keep me going, the aforementioned issue with the ending tipped the scales.

So, while I love this story, I can't place it higher in my ranking than it could have.

---

>>Morning Sun

but to the degree they let it happen again and again and again, and create an even greater miscarriage of justice?

It pains to admit, but I laughed harder than what would be considered appropriate.

Genre: Making me regret not reading Joyce (or, wishing this author had written Joyce instead of Joyce writing Joyce)

Thoughts: I've never read anything quite like this. I could see the style wearing out its welcome very quickly, but the effect in this story was to keep pulling me along, smiling all the while. There was lots of clever stuff embedded throughout. The actual story was pretty good, too.

Also, the line that confirmed this was gold for me:

take me for pomegranted

Tier: Top Contender

Ah, yeah. The rushing feelings of dread and crippling self-doubt that comes with artist's block, nothing quite like them.

This was a nice character piece and you did a goog job showing the aforementioned feelings. I do wish we could have spent a bit more time inside of Vinyl's head, sharing that fear of not knowing if you should be doing what you're doing, or if you'll ever be good enough.

I'd hate to repeat what has already been said, so I'll just echo the general sentiment that a better resolution--be it Octavia offering help, talking about how to take criticism, etc.--would have elevated this story to higher heights, and a higher spot on my ranking.

>>horizon
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Baal Bunny
I thought the ending was pretty self explanatory. Luna's role as "Guardian of Dreams" in Sleepless in Ponyville and subsequenc CMC dream episodes is a PR stunt motivated by her desire to get the night more recgonition, and is targeting foals because they're more impressionable and they haven't been hammere with the "Night=bad" mentality the rest of Equestria subconsciously has.

"Hey, kids. Night's aren't so bad now that you know your friendly and approachable Princess is here to keep an eye on you, are they?"

Anyway I loved the hell out of this story, and while I admit the tone felt somewhat inconsistent due to using the return of the Crystal Empire as a a catalyst for Luna's journey of improving her image when a casual conversation could have worked just as well and would have gone to great lengths to mantaining the tonal consistency throughout the story.

Still, I loved the story and it's earning a spot near the top of my ranking.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
Yeah, the quality of what I've read has been a heck of a lot more consistent than I'm used to, with a lot of really solid reads.

I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to make finals this round. I'm not even disappointed. :)

>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>horizon
I'm going to have to join in the praise here. The average quality of the fics here is notably higher than the norm. And I can't help but feel mine is dragging it down. Well, we'll see what happens come the finals. At least I got plenty of great reading material.

>>horizon
Look at this changeling pretending he didn't write Pinkamena's wake.

I'm gonna break rank with the rest of you and say that my entry absolutely deserves to win. By a considerable margin. Because it's the best thing ever written by a human.

Actually it feels pretty middle-of-the-road, given what I've read so far, but.

“You’re just saying that because I didn’t break anything of yours,” the crying dragon said sullenly.

“Yes, you did,” Pinkie Pie said, the cheerful tone making Spike stop his wails enough to look up at her, caught by surprise.

Yeah, you completely destroyed her business. Remember? Sheesh.

Sarcasm aside, this was a sweet little slice-of-life bit, and it dealt with one of my favorite episodes, to boot. Cute, funny, heartfelt... flawed, but those have been enumerated already. I don't think much would be gained by compounding them.

I wasn't wowed, but I was entertained. You did good, author.

I agree with >>Zaid Val'Roa et al. that The quality of stories this round is really high. But here's the thing: I haven't found any that I actually really like yet. They're all really good, but I'm not enjoying them.
I realize this is completely a matter of taste, and I've only read my initial slate so far. But it's still weird that my reaction to every story so far has been "that was great, but it's not for me."

I blame the prompt.

Replacement parts for desktop just came in! Feels good to be using my regular keyboard again. :)

I'll have a few more reviews up in a few minutes.

This story takes a little bit to wind up--outside of letting the reader know how much Rarity has been skipping sleep, there isn't anything awfully concrete until shortly before Rarity's conversation with Sweetie. When the ball does gets rolling, though, the story really starts to shine. Characterization is both strong and interesting throughout, even for the little roles, like Opal and Sweetie.

I'm having a little bit of an issue with the perspective shift. It's not jarring, since you've set it up with the first scene, but it's still a little odd that Rarity's thoughts--which the reader has been intimate with up until this point--suddenly become inaccessible from Sleep's perspective. But this is one of those things that I have no idea how to fix, so I'm not really holding it against you. After all, this might actually be entirely your intention

One last thing to note (which is mostly a personal taste thing) is that three months without any significant sleep feels implausible to me. I mean, not only is that an awfully long time to be so monumentally busy, but it's also physically stretching it, IMO. I know that personally I've got a pretty low tolerance for missed sleep (I need a good seven hours every night or I start sleeping through alarms), but ninety-something all-nighters in a row just sounds almost ridiculous to me. I'm not going to really dock you for this scoring-wise, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

But don't let my knitpicking fool you. Overall, you've got a really strong character piece, and I thought the personification (ponification?) of Sleep was really unique and handled well. Despite whatever grievances I might have with the details, this one's going towards the top of my slate.

I really like the prose here, with the short paragraphs and simple descriptions. It's does a great job of highlighting the mood in an understated way, and it stays invisible throughout. From a tonal perspective, this story succeeds at basically every level. It feels weighty, it makes the character's struggles seem more prominent, and it helps the readers get invested in what could otherwise be a pretty melodramatic topic.

My biggest critique of this story is that there simply isn't very much of it. And I'm not just talking about word count. We get neither an explanation for the first scene nor an ending that feels like it completely resolves things. Celestia doesn't really have a character arc--it's more like a single moment where she decides to deal with her problem. And while there's some interesting world-building here regarding alternatives to sight, things are only explored at the most surface level.

In the end, this feels less like a complete story and more like an isolated idea. I'd say that you need more meat on your bones, but I actually think it's the other way around. You need a skeletal system--a story framework to build your ideas on.Otherwise, things like the tone and the prose and the characters don't quite feel like they're connecting with each other to form a cohesive whole. In other words, give us a conflict and it's resolution instead of just a scenario.

>>horizon
That's silly why would I believe in Celestia hahaha only ponies do that and I totally am not a pony especially not an alicorn horse.

>>horizon
J'accuse! That's obviously shopped. :-p

>>horizon
>>Baal Bunny

Yea, the whole point here is 'Luna's time with the PR firm gave her the inspiration to start dreamwalking'. She's not causing nightmares, she's stopping them as a way to inspire the fillies and colts to like her.

I found this a cute fluff piece, and I really did like the hooks into canon. It's a solid entry from me; perhaps it may be a bit too subtle in how it hooks into Sleepless since a few didn't get it, but I really have no complaints!

Genre: Crackshipping done right

Thoughts: This is a fun one to have show up on the slate. I remember Time Enough for Love being pretty good, and this obviously draws a lot of inspiration from that, what with the whole time travel romance thing, not to mention who Nova turns out to be. This is a very different kind of story, though, and in many ways more limited than Love; >>horizon probably expresses it best by calling it more traditional and linear. Nevertheless, it still manages to be fun overall and effective as a romance. The ending in particular delivered a strong emotional payoff for everything that had built over the course of the story, which IMO was essential here, because the bits immediately before that (really everything once they left Manehattan) felt noticeably weaker and more rushed than what came before. But you manged to save it, author, by making all the pieces fall into place at the very end. Kudos to you for pulling that off.

As others have noted, one thing that would help immensely is giving the characters more time together doing things other than delving into Nova's past to lay the groundwork for the romantic elements that show up at various points in the story. E.g., by the time Nova gets to the point where he chooses not to tell Vinyl who he is, she's clearly ready to take the relationship further, but there doesn't seem to be much basis for her to do that apart from her apparent physical attraction to him. (Well, that and the bottle thing, which had kind of hit-or-miss effectiveness for me.) Although I'll grant that this could be intentional, as Vinyl's character is written as... perhaps not shallow, but certainly taking a very different approach to a romantic relationship than what I can relate to. Sometimes (IMO) her character got to be a bit grating, as her voice dipped into saying things like "bro" a lot. But even if the voice wasn't my personal cup of tea, I'll give it credit for keeping that voice largely consistent throughout, as it added to the picture of who she was.

But I kind of keep dumping on this, and I don't really mean to, because I think it ultimately succeeds at being the story it was trying to be. Love may be more "classic" in some ways, but it's not in contention here, and frankly this one is pretty darn good. I won't put it in my top-tier, but I might nudge it pretty high in my one below.

Tier: Strong

Genre: Introspection

Thoughts: This one cut me deep.

Starlight's struggles and self-doubt sound eerily similar to things I've personally felt, and especially to some of my feelings and experiences as a parent. I often find myself wishing I had greater confidence, or knowledge, or whatever it would take to not only be a better parent, but to know that I was being as good of a parent as I could be. Because sometimes parenthood feels bad in ways like what Starlight describes feeling about her past. You want to get through to your kids and help them to be better people, but it's sometimes hard not to compromise your own values in the effort to get through to them.

So for me, what starts out looking like a rather pedestrian glimpse inside a character's head ends up elevating itself beyond the limitations of that genre.

I'd like to think think that the same merit would exist regardless of whether a given reader can relate to it in the personal way that I did, but I must invite the possibility that I'm just seeing what I want to see there. So maybe this won't go in my top-tier for now, but maybe I'll end up bumping it before finals.

Tier: Strong

WOO! Finished my slate.

Might end up adding some more later, but at least I've achieved baseline participation.

>>Bachiavellian
You're not alone. I was curious about the mystery but I had myself barking up a wrong tree the entire time because I thought Clover had flung himself far, far into the future to come see Celestia again, somehow, and so it took a while before it clicked 'Oh, this ain't him'.

I mean I was always going 'Maybe Starswirl' but, y'know, it wasn't my focus.

The bottle metaphor makes sense now that you've laid it out; before I figured it was just a 'I left my friend behind and don't want to get rid of her last gift' but it being her baggage makes way more sense.

Anyhow - this is decent for me, but not a favorite; I just never quite really invested in either character to be drawn into their budding romance. There's lots of little enjoyable bits and pieces, but well -

1. I feel Starswirl should be more time-disjointed. I mean, he's seen cities, but Manehattan is a CITY. We should see more elements of 'What the buck' from him.

2. Things dragged a bit for me here and there; not sure why, to be honest, just that I didn't get captivated like TEFL did to me; I think in part because Celestia in TEFL comes across way more deeply even from Clover's PoV than Starswirl does here.

3. There's a lot of teasing of 'Why is he in the future', but, well, it felt more maddening than satisfying.

Anyhoo, enough of being critical, it was still a solid entry, just not one that wowed me strongly.

2 stories left to review EVERYTHING. While we're still in the prelims. Boo. Ya.

Although pony reproduction had always been an uncomfortable topic for Twilight Sparkle, she was aware of the basics. The bare basics. The somewhat-sketchy process between mare-meets-colt and the delivery room had always been a topic she had avoided in her studies, except for foal development in the womb and infant care outside. The process of going from inside to outside, as well as the actual… act of reproduction, were much like a visual blind spot to her.

What, she's never read Romance Reports? I've never read Romance Reports, and even I've read Romance Reports. Get your head in the game, Purplesmart.

I liked this. I'll admit that Celestia and Luna being giant pranksters is a bit... much to swallow. I can see them pulling stuff like this on one another, but not quite on Twilight. But it charmed me with its dialogue, and frantic Twilight is always best Twilight.

Although, in all seriousness, I found it difficult to believe that Twilight wouldn't know the nitty-gritty of pony sex.

>>Morning Sun I finished my slate a while ago because I'm hardcore. Right now, I'm going over the ones with the fewest comments/commentators, also because I'm hardcore.

I found this a silly blend of like low-grade tense almost-horror and of course, comedic slice of life.

Really I kept expecting the twist here would be Oriole would be mare-crazy and then eat the Mane 6 or something, so I'm glad this didn't go in that direction. Instead it was most silly, and I giggled, and I would also agree with others that it just ends which I assume is more a problem of 'Cant go over the word count' than anything else.

Because let's face it, truthfully the proper resolution for this is to just accept Lamias eat ponies and let Oriole live there anyways, and well, you can always make more ponies. I mean if you're skirting with farcical darkness you may as well just turn the absurd up to 11.

But really it just needs a better finisher to achieve its apotheosis.

It's a good thing the events of "Putting Your Hoof Down" are explicitly referenced, because without that precedent, the idea of an assertive Fluttershy outwitting and bluffing a crime boss during a negotiation would be much, much harder to sell.

I like the dialogue; Discord's done well, as is Zephyr (horribly unlikeable as ever, but the interactions between the siblings are at least sweet and moving). Fluttershy's... difficult for me to get a read on, but I'll give her characterization a pass. The OCs are handled well enough; they compliment the canon cast without overshadowing them (I like that Fluttershy is the only one of the canon trio that Je T'aime seems to respect). And I like the function that the teacup serves; it works in a similar capacity to the bottle in Wub.

My biggest complaint is that, while Fluttershy's admittedly bluffing, invoking Twilight Sparkle as her ace-in-the-hole treads too close to a Deus ex Machina. Especially glaring since the story took such great pains to remove Discord ex Machina as a viable course of action.

EDIT: Also, is it just me, or does Discord suddenly sprout a second hat out of nowhere after throwing his cane and stovepipe onto Zephyr?

The Great

Short, sweet, and to the point. Very smooth arc. You do a good job transitioning into the core plot and tying it to the opening, then resolving both together. I realize this is a short compliment, but I really can't emphasize it enough because it is a tremendous thing to get right: this is just a wonderful and pleasant little arc that starts, happens, and ends neatly.

You have an excellent grasp of Pinkie's voice and the cadence of your prose matches with it very well. The rhythm is just nice and easy to read. Similarly, you do a good job with your word selection. Like, the confetti paragraph is super smartly written, and says a lot about Pinkie without ever addressing her directly.

The Rough

I think another layer of polish needs to be applied. While you do a good job with the voice, there are a lot of places where I feel you could clean up the writing. For example...

Every little bag of her carefully disorganized bags had ripped open and combined into a huge mass, with no regards for the careful ratios of colors she kept for every occasion.

I feel this whole bit is stronger if you remove the second clause. It conceptually undermines the first clause. Yes, I realize they are essentially saying the same thing, but "carefully disorganized" is cute and punchy while "careful ratios" is tonally dissonant. Basically, one feels more Pinkie than the other, so they end up clashing.

Stuff like that crops up a fair amount. While I appreciate that you want to over-write Pinkie for the voice, I think you do it a bit more than necessary and it would help to just reign it in a little.

You also do weird things with tense in a couple places.

She poured a small portion of the paint into the glue and Spike used a small stick to stir it. After a few seconds the contents had turned golden, small metal flakes sparkling inside it.

I think it reads a lot better if you just stick to the past tense.

Since you do it so strongly, you also might want to make sure you push this as much into Pinkie's voice as possible. There are instances (I'm looking at you "sussurating whisper") where the narration feels very authorial, which is jarring when so much of it is delivered in a Pinkie tone with Pinkie metaphors.

The Great

There is some really funny dialogue and character interaction in there.

Opening is pretty solid tone setter.

The Rough

This just really didn't work for me.

The Parks and Rec nod bit is just way too on the nose. It's a good idea for a joke, but would be played better if you sort of took it in its own direction (or at least further obscured what you were doing). I have been rewatching the show recently, so it really stuck out. That said, it was a good riff on it. I just would much rather see the pull be more subtle if you really wanted to do it.

The story's arc is very weak. What makes the first episode of MLP tick is that it establishes the conflict right off the bat: Twilight is worried about Nightmare Moon, Celestia tells her to chill and prep for the festival. Immediate conflict. Twilight is worried about NMM, but also has to deal with the insanity of Ponyville, so everything kind of builds off that.

It promises something at the beginning (NMM is coming back!), builds tension by not giving Twilight the space to address it, then delivers with her arrival and the subsequent adventure to defeat her. This story doesn't really do that. The conflict, in narrative terms, emerges out of nowhere.

You have a cute idea here, but it doesn't really shine until the very end. You might actually consider -starting- there and building out from that point, instead. What are the consequences of this terrible Mane 6? How does the world change because of it? Basically, lead with the strongest element of your story. Using it as a punchline, while worth a chuckle, falls a bit flat because it is expected. Zephyr is established as a chump, so he chumps.

Instead using that as the groundwork for a story might provide richer material for you to work with.

The Great

Technically very well-written, with some excellent wordplay.

The Rough

This one is... awkward for me to talk about, since despite being an English major, I'm not actually that familiar with Finnegan's Wake. I'm a medievalist. I ran from "modern" literature as hard and fast as I could. As such, I feel this leaves me with precious little room to actually comment or criticize as I simply don't have the knowledge base necessary to decide how well it spun off the source.

Definitely concurring on the editing pass; there's lots of example of words that are ...close but not quite what it needs to be to be natural flow.

Sleep herself? She's the best part once she manifests fully, and thus the thing that most vexes is that she flutters away in the end. The core of this, I think, should end on a stronger note than a wispy 'Goodbye'; I mean, certainly that is the nature of slumber, always floating away from us in the end, but...I suppose this sets up so much opportunity for things to change, and then - well, nothing changes.

The world-building is beautiful. I appreciated that; and little touches like Sweetie & Rarity added to it muchly so.

And oh, yes - unless ponies are like ultra-imsomniacs, Rarity would be horribly dead from going awake that long. Her brain would like, shut down.

And that's all 23 reviewed! Whoo!

I think the culprit's identity is too easy to guess right at the beginning. The way Celestia insists on using a powerful spell, immediately after the Captain states "No spells till we get the auramancers onto the crime scene", very clearly implies that she's trying to mask her own aura. And why couldn't the captain just ask her to leave the room before using the spell?

Actually, it might work better if it isn't revealed until later what Celestia and the guards were exactly doing in the room at 6.00 AM. The fact that Celestia raised the sun from inside the room, before the auras could be inspected, is too much of a crucial clue to reveal immediately -- or at least, to reveal openly. How about subtly hinting about how the sunrise happened at a specific hour, which, the observant reader notices, also was the hour when Celestia was stated to be still in the room?

On the other hand, I liked the implication that Celestia blockaded the door with the "murder" weapon so that she had an excuse for handling it later, thus masking her aura/fingerprint equivalent on it -- that's clever.

We're almost at the halfway point and I've run out of stories to review. That means it's time to highlight the ones that haven't gotten a lot of attention.

Cutie Unmarked (#3) and To Be Dazzling (#16) only have three unique comments each.

Room (#13) has only three unique commenters among its four comments.

Eyes of the Night (#17,) Music After Midnight (#20,) and Return (#22) have only four unique comments each.

The House Comes Calling (#10) and Send Only Memories (#12) have only four unique commenters among their five and seven comments respectively.

Now you know, and knowing is half the Writeoff.

I had trouble getting into this story, but that's probably because, for reasons similar to FanOfNotQuiteEverything, I didn't have much interest in the source material. EqG. fics, that is. I never saw Rainbow Rocks, and I don't know anything about the sirens, besides that they have dumb hair.

I dunno, I guess... I liked it? As a story, it made me smile a few times, but I don't have the necessary knowledge or interest in this continuity to fairly judge it on its own merits. I like that, apparently, Dashie has the others run anti-siren drills, and I also found the toast-related shenanigans to be quite amusing. But...

It's like Pinkamina's Wake; I can't fairly judge this story. Sorry, dudefellow. :/

While I think the story is okay...

Well, that's it. While it had some undeniably enjoyable moments, the story as a whole is only okay. Nothing really stands out to me, but I do see the potential for a grander story being told. As it stands right now, the flow of the story doesn't feel all that natural, but with a little expansion you could turn it into a stronger story of redemption and friendship.

I believe your intention was to handwave the specific cause of Celestia's accident in lieu of just serving to kickstart the plot.

I... am actually ok with that. I've no real issue with leaving the details of the incident purposefully vague as long as the story treats the fallout and aftermath in a compelling way, and while I think the groundwork is there, the story doesn't quite go all the way.

Plus, Celestia's initial reactions seem a bit off to me.

Celestia simply grumbled, and curled up tighter, pulling the blanket up around her shoulders. “I don’ wanna.”

“You don’t have to!” Twilight grabbed her hoof. “There are plenty of blind ponies that act as normal citizens!”

“I am a Princess, Twilight, not a normal citizen.”

Yeah, even after a traumatic experience and the loss of a sense, I don't see (heh...) Celestia acting like that.

Nicely done:

But I'll echo those above and say that, for all it's intriguing build-up, the story's just that: build-up. It wouldn't need much to bring in a bit of resolution, though, author. I'd be satisfied, I think, with one final line where Serene snaps back to being all business and asks her guests if they'll accompany her to somewhere where she can tell them what's up.

I'll also note that some of the transitions need a little smoothing out once Serene enters the scene. Applejack is talking with her, and then Rainbow is suddenly in the grips of the guards. If the two are in the same body, we need to see Dash leaping up after she takes over from AJ. Or when we go from Fluttershy weeping in Serene's embrace to Rarity not being in Serene's embrace--the story says that Fluttershy "tried to move away from Serene," but that implies that she didn't succeed. So when Rarity takes over, she would be standing in the same spot as Fluttershy was. Also, I couldn't make the sudden appearance of the desk fit in with the eventual explanation of what's been going on. Still, good stuff here.

Mike

I'll echo >>Morning Sun:

What drives away the spirit in Zecora's hut? And later on her doorstep, what makes Magnet go from "I’m scared" to "I think I can handle this" in the space of one paragraph? We need to see Magnet make the choice to accept her cutie mark. Maybe Zecora and Apple Bloom have mixed up a potion that Magnet needs to drink or that she has to pour over her flanks: some specific action she has to perform to chase off the spirit. She can keep waffling about it, can keep not doing it and saying she's afraid as the spirit blusters around, but in the end she does it, the spirit leaves, and we've seen her make her choice.

Let me add my voice to those saying this is a really good round!

Mike

Mmm hmm hmm... Folksy.

There's plenty I liked about this story. Maybe it would've been nice to see more attempts by different ponies to take on the dragon, but I'm content with what we got.

My one complain, and it somewhat echoes the previous comments, is that Luna's role as a storyteller is relegated to the bookends. It would have been nice if we could've gotten some intervention from her throughout the story. Be it providing additional commentary from her own experiences, or maybe asking the children for intervention, so both segments of the story feel more integrated rather than "This is the part with Luna, and this is the part with the story."

As I said, I liked it, but the end result is too disjointed for me to give it top marks.

My first impression was that I was flipping through channels in the 24-hour PrisonPonies network. :)

Author, my main problem with this story is that if I were to cast a spell to reincarnate past heroes in a modern body to enlist their aid, I would not be likely to then lock that body in a dark dirty cell for hours and wait for the subject(s) to try to figure things out on their own. Some means of restraint and control would be prudent, but if I wanted their friendly cooperation, I’d be likely to have a well lit comfortable space with a large security detail at hand, though with friendly faces all around, and big signs and posters explaining things, etc. Of course, then you don’t have a mystery. I suspect that you started with the flipping between the Mane6 idea and arrived at a plausible explanation as you wrote, but the build-up seems overstretched to me and doesn’t quite match up with the reveal. I suggest at least one more draft to tighten and smooth things out, and if you really must have them in a dark dungeon, give a good reason for it. (Such as, we’re members of the resistance and this is the only space we had to work with, etc.)

Okay, I'm going to be the first to ask since nobody else is bringing it up: What about hanging out with gay stallions?

She gets to be around stallions in small doses without the risk of her attracting them and engaging in sex and post-coitus munchies. It may be far from perfect but it's a way Oriole can slowly gain control over her natural urges.

Anyway, I really liked this story. It nails that "comfy Slice of Life comedy" ambience that I love, so kudos for that.

Speaking of negatives, I guess I had some minor issues with characterisation. I don't think Twilight would have just taken a backseat to the whole issue, and while that doesn't mean actively overruling Rarity's trust in Oriole, I do believe she would have taken the first step and talked with her about her lamian nature. Something that we didn't get to see.

Plus, the ending feels a liiiittle bit too contrived. It all gets nicely solved and wrapped with a neat bow on top. I can't quite figure out why exactly it doesn't work for me, perhaps it's too anticlimactic.

It's still one of the finest comedies I've read in a while.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
I actually thought that was one of the better parts, myself.

Though, I also have a soft spot for the princesses acting like petulant pouty children, because the juxtaposition is adorable. And, on a more serious note, if Celestia drops her perfect persona enough /to/ act like that you know it's big.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
I think Pokey and Thunderlane were meant to be kind of gay, and well, you saw what the meat tenderizer did to poor Oriole.

>>Morning Sun

I think Pokey and Thunderlane were meant to be kind of gay

Kind of, that's the point. Plus they were obviously a set up for teasing poor Oriole. What I meant was for her to bond with gay stallions in a safe, non-threatening and non-assuming enviroment.

After all, chatting with your gay friends at a café about every day stuff is definitely not the same as having to see them rub themselves against each other, bodies mingling and covered in oil, glistening as their body heat lightly evaporates their sweat, making your vision blurry and...
...uh...
I was going somewhere with this, but I think I lost my train of thought.

No time for a full review, but the main thing that leapt into my head while reading: why is it that the process of returning matter from Equestria's pocket dimension required killing everyone? I mean, the problem that they were solving -- acquiring enough matter to change the curvature of the universe and force a Big Crunch -- takes place on cosmic timescales, billions of years. Even if the concern was that being in realspace meant they were going to get invaded by some of these other murderous aliens, I can't see how that's a "right this minute" catastrophe, but the story kind of requires a "right this minute" catastrophe for the impact of its choice.

Beyond that, this is surprising and thought-provoking, though I can't help but feel like I'm missing a lot that would have required reading the crossover source to understand. The large expansion that >>Morning Sun notes may be at least partially necessary for context -- not to give us all of the universe background, which is mostly irrelevant to your story, but enough to better explain the stakes that you set out.

Tier: Almost There

>>FanOfMostEverything

I kind of hope this ends with Vinyl remixing the clock.

QFT

I find myself largely disagreeing with this story's reviews as well. Gosh, am I just being a grouch this round?

Anyways, the voicing here is basically impeccable. You've captured the central conflict of Glimmers character (the dissonance between her assured confidence and her self-doubt) very well. Overall, things read very smoothly.

Unfortunately, I really had trouble staying interested. Cards on the table, I tend not to like episode-centric fics, just cause I feel like a lot of the material has already been covered in the show. The issue is a little exacerbated here in that this entire monologue apparently happens during a twenty in-show second stretch where Glimmer is offscreen. As soon as I placed the story chronologically, it became that much less engrossing because I know exactly how this conflict is going to solve itself.

I also felt like the piece dragged. There are no events in the story, no conflict (that we haven't seen on the show), and the central epiphany, while profound, is a pretty simple one. I mean, this is literally nothing but internal monologue. And while I wouldn't say that it comes across as preachy or pretentious, it definitely feels well-worn by the end of the story. There are reasons, after all, why monologues are often not taken very seriously in popular media.

In the end, this had some good character description, but I really had trouble with the rest of it. This isn't the first of its sort that I've read, and while it executes the idea competently, it didn't feel fresh or interesting to me. I realize that personal taste has a lot to do with it, so I'm keeping it in mind while scoring.

Genre: Differently-abled sun goddesses

Thoughts: This had an incredibly strong concept and high quality prose. It hooked me at the beginning and quickly established itself as something I wanted to like. Having a blind Celestia was different and compelling. Sign me up for more.

And I did like it for the most part, though I think the biggest weakness was Celestia's character voice; it just didn't sound like her to me. I can understand her being deeply affected by what happened, but the petulance in her tone feels off to me. And unfortunately, given that so much of this relies on being inside her head, the weakness of that voice makes a big difference.

I also wish we knew what happened in the beginning, as it's too narratively significant of an event to just dismiss. I also wish the ending was stronger; right now it kinda just stops.

But the descriptive language was strong, and the concept was strong, and I think this is the beginning of something with a lot of potential.

Tier: Almost There

(EDIT: Re-reading this, it seems like a lot of my quibbles could be more personal preference than objective issues with the story. Hmm.)

“Excuse me. It's, uh, Apple Boom, right?”

Apple Bloom turned her head towards the unfamiliar voice, her school bag swinging in her teeth. “Apple Boom,” she corrected. After a brief pause she realized she'd flubbed it, then spit the strap out of her mouth and let her bag fall to the ground.

Alright, you've charmed and hooked me off the bat, author.

“I’ll listen to whatever it is you have to say. I can promise that much, or my name isn’t Apple Bloom.”

Trap! Trap! Major endgame reveal; her real name is Apple Boom after all, and Magnet is doomed to be unmarked forever!

I think that Starlight's bit about phantom cutie whatsit should have gone to Twilight - the same lines, but in reverse. Between the two of them, Twilight seems more likely to be pedantic about epidemiology.

Also, I'm not sure I like how the characters treat Magnet. You got Apple Bloom rifling through her possessions without asking, poking her in the ass (yeah, just go ahead and touch that perfect stranger's flank, AB), and Twilight pressures Starlight into casting a potentially dangerous spell without actually obtaining Magnet's consent beforehand.

I think a little bit more about Magnet's home life would help deepen the mystery, since Magnet's parental troubles and the guilt she felt over bringing them together were the impetus for her removing her cutie mark. Maybe have one of her parents meet Apple Bloom at the house the first time they go over together.

I'm also a bit confused. Did Magnet invoke the spirit that hid her cutie mark, or did her regret just inadvertently summon it to chomp on her flank? If it's the former, then wouldn't that create a minor plothole with Zecora and Apple Bloom needing to do a spell to bring it out? It could be I'm just missing something obvious, but...

I also wouldn't have minded getting Magnet's cutie mark story in detail at some point. The denouement would be the best place for that, I think.

Flawed, but a fun read nevertheless. :)

Horizon hit on the same thought that I had about the immediacy of the problem, but I'd like to add to it that, if Twilight feels comfortable enough bringing Fluttershy in on this discussion, then there's no reason for her not to bring in her other friends. Especially if, as the story suggests, she's taking the walk to the cottage knowing that she is about to die. If she's cool with saying goodbye to, what, Roseluck? Lickety Split? Some other no-name background pony?

Then why wouldn't she take the time to say goodbye to Rarity? Or Rainbow Dash?

I get a cosmic horror vibe from this, and I'm down with that. I'm also glad that you took the time to explain the basics of the conflict in terms that even a dumdum like me could understand. But I'm in agreement with the other reviewers that there's content/context from the book series this derives from that isn't explained to the reader, and that can lock a lot of people out of fully understanding or appreciating the scope of things.

In all, enjoyable and ambitious.

>>horizon
>>Posh
I can answer this one too! Pocket universes in Remembrance chronology pass time at a different rate than the main universe - as in, exponentially slower. Also, not returning the matter immediately increases the risks of a big crunch not happening, since that gives the universe more time to expand - too long, and well, yea.

Snorting, Tavi shook her head and sat beside Vinyl. “I am not going anywhere until you actually bloody well tell me what happened. You’ve been acting like even more of a pain in the flank than usual lately, you know, right? Waking me up in the middle of the night like this is just about my limit for putting up with it.”

Is this tough love, or just Octavia's idea of how to comfort someone?

There've been a lot more cute slice-of-life character pieces for this prompt than I thought there'd be. That's good; by no means am I complaining. I was worried that we'd get six hundred million entries about Nightmare Moon.

This one feels good, and real. This isn't the character I thought would, or could, be used in a story like this, so it feels a little novel to me. You sell it very well.

>>Morning Sun These are vital details that should go into the next draft.

Pretty please.

And thank you.

Her eyebrows raised. “Stinking horsedung!” she blurted out.

Twilight was horribly profane at the start of the story - is she just watching her language around Spike? I can't say that the Twilight you present us with at the start feels consistent with the one we're reading throughout the rest of the story. Maybe tone down the profanity and her general bitchiness?

I get this is supposed to be a comedy, and I get that the general OOC-ness and the characters' unlikeability is supposed to be for laughs. But I feel like you went overboard with it. There's a general aura of "trying-too-hard"-ness to the story that makes it feel more awkward than anything.

Plus, it's incomplete; it's a fragment of a story. I really don't think it's suited to a contest like this. I prefer to look at individual entries in a vacuum, but in contrast with Zephyr Ruins Everything, which started out strong and rushed to the finale, glossing over important details, this story dwells too long on establishing trivial things. It wouldn't be as much of a problem if the story were complete, but it was submitted, like, half-finished, and I have to take it on its own merits.

And I'm sorry, but it just isn't doing it for me.

Okay, at this point, there are only six stories left that I haven't read, and a few more that I've read, but haven't reviewed. So if you're the author of one of those stories, I'll get to you soon enough, never fear. Saving them for tomorrow, though.

Genre: ...

...

Hmm.

There's a moment in the story that stands out, and I fear it's not in the good way. Prior to that moment, things are tooling along nicely, and the story's genre is pretty obviously Comedy (spiced with much appreciated Fluttercord teasing, yes, thank you Author). The story is fully of zany, well-written Discord, and it's all just pure comedic fun. Je T'aime is gold; Discord/Zeph/Flutters all have great interactions; and the story seems poised to give us still more hijinks (and perhaps some additional Fluttercord teasing, yes please thank you).

But then Flutters closes the door and leaves Discord outside, and the whole thing takes a turn toward dark and hardcore seriousness. The effect is jarring. I mean, I actually greatly enjoyed the moment where Fluttershy gets to be a secret badass, but the tonal shift (specifically fueled by indentured servitude) is like getting hit in the face with a door... and specifically, the door that keeps Discord out of that scene. Because it's like there's a big chunk of the story where Discord is a key contributor, but then the plot suddenly tells him to GTFO, and he seems decidedly non-Discord-ly compliant with the plot's commands. As such, we kind of end up with two acutely different halves to the story. I can see how they should fit together, but for me they don't feel like they fit together.

Thoughts: I've rambled on for long enough just trying to nail down this thing's genre. Definitely take my words with a grain of salt, given my status as a card-carrying, flag-flying, unrepentant Fluttercord OTP shipper extraordinaire. But like, what is this story? I guess in the end it's kind of Dark/Comedy/Slice-of-Life? Don't get me wrong, all three of those aspects here are individually well-executed; my issue is more that they don't blend together for me into a cohesive, consistent whole. Also, I'll echo >>Posh's complaint about Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Story taking the place of the perfectly good Deus Ex Machina that the story already took pains to lampshade for itself.

Another thing is that the teacup didn't really click for me. I mean, I get that it's a callback to the beginning, and it shows Flutters' lingering unease about dealing with the antagonist, but it feels weird as a way to wrap this story up.

Author, I apologize, I'm dumping on what's very close to an excellent story, and that's not fair to you. The way you write these characters is magnificent, and in the grand scheme of things, the amount of stuff that would need to be tweaked to make this shine is probably pretty small. (also given your clear talent for it can you please write us some straight-up Fluttercord sometime, please, yes, thank you)

Tier: Almost There

The Great

Technically, you did quite well. Scenes are structured well, story beats match the opening super well, dialogue is generally pretty snappy, etc. It just executes well.

The Doozy scene is pretty good. Just very nice dialogue beats.

The Rough

You're aware, but it still needs to be said, inappropriate submission since it isn't a standalone piece.

Anyhow, while I could see something like this working, I don't feel this piece ever really finds it's feet. It kinda bounces between zany comedy, crass comedy, referential parody, and more general spoof. Which, on the whole, leaves me feeling a little unsure of how I'm supposed to treat it since those are technically different forms of comedy. I really think what you need to do is focus in and really decide what you want this story to do, then SELL that. The mixture doesn't work well.

Echoing the comments made by the rest of these very fine, attractive individuals, I feel like there should have been some sort of resolution or payoff to all the tension built by the first half of the story. I don't necessarily mean that it has to be something ~spoopy~ but the resolution is that Daring turns around and goes the other way and then whoops, story's over and she's pawning off assignments on her TA like any good academic. And this story can do better than that.

Also, I don't see why someone like Daring Do, meticulous and methodical lass that she is, wouldn't bring extra batteries on a trip. I like the idea that she literally has no room to maneuver enough to swap them out, and in total darkness, probably wouldn't be able to do so effectively anyway. But let her have them, fer the love of Mike.

One more thing: I think you go overboard with the pony puns. And this is coming from someone who put "Nägermeister" in a story.

Also I had a dream that we were up to four pages of comments and it was a good dream.

I think the biggest problem with this story is that it doesn't have a single overarching concept. It's essentially an incoherent mashup of random ideas which don't resonate with each other: what if... Twilight was a jerk (but only in some scenes and not others), AND ALSO Celestia got banished instead of Luna, AND ALSO some characters arbitrarily looked different for no reason, AND ALSO some characters had different names for no reason, AND ALSO they were lesbians and prostitutes, etc. etc.

Unless this is supposed to be a straightforward parody, a la "Friendship is Witchcraft" (disclaimer: I haven't watched it so I don't know if the comparison is apt), but then it's not a very good one; the jokes feel pretty forced and unfunny. I recommend reading Bored of the Rings if you want to see an example of a good, irreverent parody.

(disclaimer: I haven't watched it so I don't know if the comparison is apt)

Inasmuch as it's a bizarro world parody, but the overall style of comedy differs.

I have similar thoughts as the other reviewers (distracting typos, implausibility of being alive after going ninety days without sleep, the shift in perspective). But I have two other criticisms:

1. I have to disagree with the praise for Rarity's characterization. While you've certainly nailed her spirit of generosity, as well as the way she overworks herself, in terms of personality, there are parts where she feels far more like Fluttershy than Rarity. Swap out "Rarity and Opal" for "Fluttershy and Angel" in that first scene, and it works just as well. Possibly better. I understand not wanting her to snap at her friends or her sister, but surely she can at least stand up to her cat.

(also, her priorities feel inconsistent; she swears that she's far too busy for indulgences like napping, but she can knock off from work for a few hours to go to the spa with Fluttershy? When she's as deep in The Zone as she is?)

2. There is no reason Rarity should be as composed and together as she is after going without sleep for a day, let alone for as long as she has. Especially when Rarity is already prone to unhinged fits of histrionics when she is well-rested. She should be screwing up and dropping things and hallucinating or doing something to indicate that she's fraying.

Also, I'm not sure why Sweetie Belle is living with Rarity.

In terms of the perspective shift, you might solve that by simply keeping it from Sleep's perspective the entire time, and have him (her? it?) describe its understanding of Rarity's character and motivations and tendency toward self-destructive overworking.

I really don't have anything negative to say about this particular entry, besides the previously mentioned point that Luna's voice wavers a little throughout the story, and that the stylistic choice to make it one of them real-time-y, first-person-y narratives isn't one that's exploited to its fullest.

Also, Luna and Twilight apparently are living together? Or screwing, at the very least.

Yeah, but other than those problems, this is one of the better entries I've read for this round. Definitely a change of pace. And, hey! Finally got something vaguely Nightmare Moon-related out of this prompt.

>>Posh
The funny part is tho comment counts are lower, average comments/story is much higher.

Pleasant read that kept me engaged throughout, which is definitely a win in my book. The story hits the beats of a fairy tale very well, which makes it easily memorable in the way these things often are.

Going to parot FoME's comment about Luna's voicing. To me, there was something noticeably off about it, though I can't quite put my thumb on it. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say there isn't very much about the vocabulary or the syntax particularly strikes me as archaic in Luna's style. For instance...

In truth, I did not know till I was of an age older than you are now.

...just came across to me as modern words strung up more stiffly than usual.. Formality and flowery language doesn't really equate to old-fashioned speech.

As for the story itself, it was an easy, entertaining read, but it didn't really impact me emotionally. I'm not saying every story needs to be a tear-jerking drama, but I'd usually like to have some kind of significant emotional response to what I read. As it is, it never quite goes above being mildly engrossing to me.

I only have a passing familiarity with The Three Body Problem and its sequels, so I'm just going to let other people judge this story's aspects as a crossover.

Based on what I see, you've got a pretty interesting mystery that widens its scope in a way that, while unexpected, is certainly not unwelcome. Also, the ideas presented are pretty interesting.

Still, I'm not quite sure how well Discord fits the role he's given. I mean, if he was the all-powerful creator of this universe, how in the heck did the events of "Return of Harmony" even happen? And honestly, for a lot of the story he doesn't really feel like himself. In the show, even when Discord is frightened, angry, or confused, he's always spitting out sardonic remarks and wry half-jokes.

Pacing-wise, things feel a tiny bit weird as well. We get a bunch of POV shifts, which always makes me stop and go "huh?". Celestia's bits also seem like they're preparing her for an important role in the story, but she drops out entirely a few paragraphs later. And the last few scenes are definitely shift the speed of the story dramatically. The most stuff happens in these scenes, but with very few words. And then the story kinda just ends.

Overall, you've done a good job of presenting these concepts and making me think about them, but I find myself having a hard time caring about these characters or their problems. The central conflict and the characters' reactions feel theoretical and evanescent rather than concretely emotional, which makes the piece as a whole feel less like a story more like a idea-bearing vehicle. And from the looks of the conversation, a lot of these ideas seem to be borrowed ones, so overall I'm just not sure what I got out of this one.

Done with my slate! Which means I have the weekend to focus on the more difficult and time-consuming part of my self-issued challenge. Yay!