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Strong banter and it fits the history of their relationship quite well into the words alloted. Generally enjoyable and inoffensive, although I imagine some might take issue with the downer ending.
The premise is clever and has obvious humor merit. Perhaps it's the lack of sleep talking but I can't say I derived too much mirth, though. Still, well-written and it gets bonus marks for switching up writing styles three times in ways that more or less make sense.
Top of my list:
So far. The only suggestion I might offer would be the judicious use of "Mommy" instead of "Mom" here and there--maybe once at the beginning where Johnny can pledge never to use it again and once at the end when things are getting a little hairy. Wonderful non-lupine take on the prompt!
Mike
So far. The only suggestion I might offer would be the judicious use of "Mommy" instead of "Mom" here and there--maybe once at the beginning where Johnny can pledge never to use it again and once at the end when things are getting a little hairy. Wonderful non-lupine take on the prompt!
Mike
Even if:
This is just Aragon trolling us all again, it's still going high on my list because of both the narrator's self-awareness and his reaching out at the end, neither of which was an element in any of the "teen angst" writing I did 40 years ago. And, well, it's another non-lupine take on the prompt!
Mike
This is just Aragon trolling us all again, it's still going high on my list because of both the narrator's self-awareness and his reaching out at the end, neither of which was an element in any of the "teen angst" writing I did 40 years ago. And, well, it's another non-lupine take on the prompt!
Mike
I hesitated on leaving this comment, for it wasn't anything critiquing or especially helpful. I don't like nitpicking too much, but here it goes.
My one question, if anyone can answer it- what connection does this have to the prompt? The closest guess I can get is "Honed in the dark, replacing "howl" with "Honed". Any closer insight?
Again, as an echo, the piece is missing an ending, though I'm with you on the fact that minifics are hard to handle. 750 words is too little to make something elaborate... which I think the writer here was trying to do, but ran out of space.
...I might be reading too much into it.
Also, minor addition, if it helps,
>>Hap
I think the writer means vision as in accomplishing dreams or feats, such as a massive cannon. It would make sense since the writer is trying to portray the Martians as a arrogant, pompous race (At least according to Earthlings), bent on ransacking the Earth.
All in all, marvelous play!
My one question, if anyone can answer it- what connection does this have to the prompt? The closest guess I can get is "Honed in the dark, replacing "howl" with "Honed". Any closer insight?
Again, as an echo, the piece is missing an ending, though I'm with you on the fact that minifics are hard to handle. 750 words is too little to make something elaborate... which I think the writer here was trying to do, but ran out of space.
...I might be reading too much into it.
Also, minor addition, if it helps,
>>Hap
[The Martians had many flaws but vision wasn’t one of them." This leads me to believe that Willis is a Martian, and that he has above-average eyesight
I think the writer means vision as in accomplishing dreams or feats, such as a massive cannon. It would make sense since the writer is trying to portray the Martians as a arrogant, pompous race (At least according to Earthlings), bent on ransacking the Earth.
All in all, marvelous play!
Alternate Title: Extreme Pizza Time
Yes, it's that time of the month again, folks. Time for me to review all the entries in a minific round, and I like to think I learned a lot as a critic from my last time doing this. It's been a few days, and I've read all the entries at least once, with each review warranting a second (or sometimes third) look-through.
As before, we're going from top to bottom, so I'm starting with this.
I'll say upfront that when I first read The Dark Hungers I thought the ending came out of nowhere, a sentiment a few commentators have, and not without good reason: it's a weird fucking ending for your sci-fi action story.
The descriptions of the exosuit and Reg's weaponry had me wondering if this was just going to be some fetishistic military material, and even after re-reading it I still think it's unnecessary for the reader to know the bullets are 30mm.
But the detail of them being silver is a nice touch, though, and this is where I get into stuff I like.
In hindsight, really thinking about it, this has one of the most clever endings of any entry this round, by a rather comfortable margin. If you think the pizza delivery reveal came out of nowhere, go back and read again. Reg has an exosuit, a gun, a GPS, a timer, and a package. Now, those last three items might seem a little conspicuous, but you probably assumed it was a "normal" delivery mission.
WELL YOU'RE WRONG!
I've come to realize the author played us like a goddamn fiddle. He bamboozled us real good, ladies and gents.
The fight with the Varghoul (a kind of werewolf but also not) is perhaps overly detailed, but fun. Gory fun, but fun. I also like how this sort of thing would happen in a world where these creatures exist and Domino's really had to change with the times. It doesn't take itself too seriously, at least for me.
Even so, this is by no means a great story, although I don't think it was intended to be a masterpiece or anything, and it's far better than a couple shitposty entries that I'll get to later.
It's a decent read, breh.
Yes, it's that time of the month again, folks. Time for me to review all the entries in a minific round, and I like to think I learned a lot as a critic from my last time doing this. It's been a few days, and I've read all the entries at least once, with each review warranting a second (or sometimes third) look-through.
As before, we're going from top to bottom, so I'm starting with this.
I'll say upfront that when I first read The Dark Hungers I thought the ending came out of nowhere, a sentiment a few commentators have, and not without good reason: it's a weird fucking ending for your sci-fi action story.
The descriptions of the exosuit and Reg's weaponry had me wondering if this was just going to be some fetishistic military material, and even after re-reading it I still think it's unnecessary for the reader to know the bullets are 30mm.
But the detail of them being silver is a nice touch, though, and this is where I get into stuff I like.
In hindsight, really thinking about it, this has one of the most clever endings of any entry this round, by a rather comfortable margin. If you think the pizza delivery reveal came out of nowhere, go back and read again. Reg has an exosuit, a gun, a GPS, a timer, and a package. Now, those last three items might seem a little conspicuous, but you probably assumed it was a "normal" delivery mission.
WELL YOU'RE WRONG!
I've come to realize the author played us like a goddamn fiddle. He bamboozled us real good, ladies and gents.
The fight with the Varghoul (a kind of werewolf but also not) is perhaps overly detailed, but fun. Gory fun, but fun. I also like how this sort of thing would happen in a world where these creatures exist and Domino's really had to change with the times. It doesn't take itself too seriously, at least for me.
Even so, this is by no means a great story, although I don't think it was intended to be a masterpiece or anything, and it's far better than a couple shitposty entries that I'll get to later.
It's a decent read, breh.
Alternate Title: My Gym Partner's a Ghost
Oh boy, a detective story turns into a ghost story. And before you get on my case, yes I know there's the interpretation that Abigail is the killer, but it just doesn't add up for me.
Not that the other interpretation makes much sense.
My biggest problem with this entry (not gonna repeat the title, as I'm an American English speaker and thus get confused by complicated words) is basically what >>Miller Minus already said. But I'll elaborate.
The only things I know about Abigail is that she's a girl, she's feeble (or at least appears so), and she's a rookie. I get that this is a minific, but I don't know much of anything about either of these characters, so I can only make a couple connections. When re-reading this I found myself about as indifferent to her fate as I was the first time; the main difference upon a second read is that I'm struggling to see how her being a ghost adds up.
Wouldn't Harold have sensed something was off about her? Or is this an in-story world where spoops can replicate living humans just about perfectly? Wouldn't she have said something about this?
And what's with this killer anyway? I get the impression that the author put in some deliberately esoteric symbolism (what with the unicorn and such), but I can't tell if it's meant to be taken as actual symbolism or in jest.
On the positive side, I only have a couple gripes with the writing itself. There's a distinct lack of commas in places where you would expect them, and some dramatic timing that I feel is misplaced, but the dialogue and how it's attributed is pretty good. I also think this totally works as a first-person narrative, since we get a good impression of Harold's perspective.
I feel like I'm coming off as more negative than I should, as this is definitely not near the bottom of my slate, but to me this feels like a gun that wants to fire, but is jammed.
Oh boy, a detective story turns into a ghost story. And before you get on my case, yes I know there's the interpretation that Abigail is the killer, but it just doesn't add up for me.
Not that the other interpretation makes much sense.
My biggest problem with this entry (not gonna repeat the title, as I'm an American English speaker and thus get confused by complicated words) is basically what >>Miller Minus already said. But I'll elaborate.
The only things I know about Abigail is that she's a girl, she's feeble (or at least appears so), and she's a rookie. I get that this is a minific, but I don't know much of anything about either of these characters, so I can only make a couple connections. When re-reading this I found myself about as indifferent to her fate as I was the first time; the main difference upon a second read is that I'm struggling to see how her being a ghost adds up.
Wouldn't Harold have sensed something was off about her? Or is this an in-story world where spoops can replicate living humans just about perfectly? Wouldn't she have said something about this?
And what's with this killer anyway? I get the impression that the author put in some deliberately esoteric symbolism (what with the unicorn and such), but I can't tell if it's meant to be taken as actual symbolism or in jest.
On the positive side, I only have a couple gripes with the writing itself. There's a distinct lack of commas in places where you would expect them, and some dramatic timing that I feel is misplaced, but the dialogue and how it's attributed is pretty good. I also think this totally works as a first-person narrative, since we get a good impression of Harold's perspective.
I feel like I'm coming off as more negative than I should, as this is definitely not near the bottom of my slate, but to me this feels like a gun that wants to fire, but is jammed.
Alternate Title: Me, Myself, and Robot
Upon re-reading this, and upon reading the others' comments, I feel like there's a pretty great story buried deep down within The Clockwork Man, but the piece falls victim to some seriously amateurish writing.
An exposition dump between two characters who already know each other does not make for a compelling read, for reasons mentioned by others. There is no reason for this guy's soul(?) to be telling him most of this, and this seems like the sort of conversation they'd be having all the time anyway.
I didn't think there'd be this much exposition with so little context. We don't know why this guy is a robot, or why he seems to be split between his physical self and his spiritual self, and we don't even know how he got in this situation anyway. If he doesn't love his wife, how did he get with her in the first place? How did they meet? What was their first date like? How many people attended the wedding?
I wanna knoooooooow!
But okay, getting past that, there are two things here that really bug me, and they have to do with the writing itself. These are not stylistic choices, mind you, these are obviously errors that came about from a lack of polish.
First, the tense changes. There are a lot of them, and this story can't decide if it wants to be told in past or present tense. I know a certain writer who likes to write in present and then rewrite his works into past tense, but he probably didn't pen this.
There is also the less frequent but still apparent problem of dialogue attribution. When attributing dialogue without a question mark or exclamation point at the end of the dialogue line, use a comma. Don't capitalize the first word of the attribution.
This is a mistake made by writers who are starting out and who are not familiar with the mechanics yet.
I say this because I really want the author to consider the premise of The Clockwork Man and do something really good with it. Expanded and revised it might make for a good professional sci-fi story that you can submit to Strange Horizons or Clarkesworld or whatever you prefer.
So don't give up hope!
Upon re-reading this, and upon reading the others' comments, I feel like there's a pretty great story buried deep down within The Clockwork Man, but the piece falls victim to some seriously amateurish writing.
An exposition dump between two characters who already know each other does not make for a compelling read, for reasons mentioned by others. There is no reason for this guy's soul(?) to be telling him most of this, and this seems like the sort of conversation they'd be having all the time anyway.
I didn't think there'd be this much exposition with so little context. We don't know why this guy is a robot, or why he seems to be split between his physical self and his spiritual self, and we don't even know how he got in this situation anyway. If he doesn't love his wife, how did he get with her in the first place? How did they meet? What was their first date like? How many people attended the wedding?
I wanna knoooooooow!
But okay, getting past that, there are two things here that really bug me, and they have to do with the writing itself. These are not stylistic choices, mind you, these are obviously errors that came about from a lack of polish.
First, the tense changes. There are a lot of them, and this story can't decide if it wants to be told in past or present tense. I know a certain writer who likes to write in present and then rewrite his works into past tense, but he probably didn't pen this.
There is also the less frequent but still apparent problem of dialogue attribution. When attributing dialogue without a question mark or exclamation point at the end of the dialogue line, use a comma. Don't capitalize the first word of the attribution.
This is a mistake made by writers who are starting out and who are not familiar with the mechanics yet.
I say this because I really want the author to consider the premise of The Clockwork Man and do something really good with it. Expanded and revised it might make for a good professional sci-fi story that you can submit to Strange Horizons or Clarkesworld or whatever you prefer.
So don't give up hope!
Alternate Title: A Bedroom War Cry
There are a few things you should know about me: I like romance, comedies, and sex, and if I can get all three in a well-done package then I'm a very happy man.
I can't say I'm happy at the moment, though.
This is a really scattershot entry, and I have to wonder if there's a singular point to it. You'd think Mindy's loudness during sex would be the main point, but it's not. In fact it gets shoved off rather quickly. Not that I was particularly interested in that aspect, as it makes practically no sense for a couple who've been married for over a year to have this conversation.
I feel like I'm missing something here, but I'm looking at all the little gears of this conversation, and I can barely make any sense of it. Why does Alexander only tell her she's loud at this point? Why does he have more teeth than a person is supposed to have? I thought that was going to imply something, but it really didn't. Why is Mindy so mean to him? Is it because she's pregnant and going through mood-swings?
Her being pregnant is treated as a twist, but it didn't feel like one either, and anyway it didn't really change the context of the conversation, or imply something about their relationship that the reader didn't get before.
It's very hard to spoil The Way She Howls, because I feel like there's nothing I can give away that would ruin the reader's experience with the story.
I also can't get over this dialogue, which makes me wonder if the author was taking the piss or making a genuine effort to write a married couple. I want to think it's the former, but I haven't guessed as to whom the culprit is yet.
I guess this is a sex comedy, but only in the sense that there's talk about sex, and nothing directly involving the art form itself. Unless you count Mindy being topless (a detail that somehow passed over me the first go-around) as involvement.
I'm sorry, but I'll have to disagree with the other commentators on this one.
There are a few things you should know about me: I like romance, comedies, and sex, and if I can get all three in a well-done package then I'm a very happy man.
I can't say I'm happy at the moment, though.
This is a really scattershot entry, and I have to wonder if there's a singular point to it. You'd think Mindy's loudness during sex would be the main point, but it's not. In fact it gets shoved off rather quickly. Not that I was particularly interested in that aspect, as it makes practically no sense for a couple who've been married for over a year to have this conversation.
I feel like I'm missing something here, but I'm looking at all the little gears of this conversation, and I can barely make any sense of it. Why does Alexander only tell her she's loud at this point? Why does he have more teeth than a person is supposed to have? I thought that was going to imply something, but it really didn't. Why is Mindy so mean to him? Is it because she's pregnant and going through mood-swings?
Her being pregnant is treated as a twist, but it didn't feel like one either, and anyway it didn't really change the context of the conversation, or imply something about their relationship that the reader didn't get before.
It's very hard to spoil The Way She Howls, because I feel like there's nothing I can give away that would ruin the reader's experience with the story.
I also can't get over this dialogue, which makes me wonder if the author was taking the piss or making a genuine effort to write a married couple. I want to think it's the former, but I haven't guessed as to whom the culprit is yet.
I guess this is a sex comedy, but only in the sense that there's talk about sex, and nothing directly involving the art form itself. Unless you count Mindy being topless (a detail that somehow passed over me the first go-around) as involvement.
I'm sorry, but I'll have to disagree with the other commentators on this one.
Alternate Title: Two Girls, One Full Moon
Now here's a sex comedy I can get behind. It's got just about everything I want, minus proper erotica. That's okay, though, because what the author gave us here is both novel and well-thought-out.
Hey guys, what if we had this story about two lesbians? But wait, hold your horses, it gets even better. What if... one was a vampire, and the other was a werewolf? I can already see the money rolling in.
The prose is pretty stripped back, as >>Hap said, although it's not the most minimalist entry this round (we'll get to that one later), and I had a fairly easy time figuring out everything the first time around. Read this a second time was a low-key blast, though. I can totally buy into Fidelia and Dolores being a couple; maybe not one that's been going for fifty years, because few relationships even last that long, but I like their chemistry.
It mixes the archetypal and the novel in a way that doesn't let the former weigh the rest of it down. There are quite a few entries this round that involve werewolves, and this is probably my favorite of the bunch.
I may be an asshole, but I really appreciate well-done romance like this. My biggest gripe would be the Latinos joke, but as someone who dated a Latina for a long time I can testify that they would probably be bad for a vampire's health.
I got a few chuckles out of this story, though, which is more than I can say for most comedic minifics.
Now here's a sex comedy I can get behind. It's got just about everything I want, minus proper erotica. That's okay, though, because what the author gave us here is both novel and well-thought-out.
Hey guys, what if we had this story about two lesbians? But wait, hold your horses, it gets even better. What if... one was a vampire, and the other was a werewolf? I can already see the money rolling in.
The prose is pretty stripped back, as >>Hap said, although it's not the most minimalist entry this round (we'll get to that one later), and I had a fairly easy time figuring out everything the first time around. Read this a second time was a low-key blast, though. I can totally buy into Fidelia and Dolores being a couple; maybe not one that's been going for fifty years, because few relationships even last that long, but I like their chemistry.
It mixes the archetypal and the novel in a way that doesn't let the former weigh the rest of it down. There are quite a few entries this round that involve werewolves, and this is probably my favorite of the bunch.
I may be an asshole, but I really appreciate well-done romance like this. My biggest gripe would be the Latinos joke, but as someone who dated a Latina for a long time I can testify that they would probably be bad for a vampire's health.
I got a few chuckles out of this story, though, which is more than I can say for most comedic minifics.
>>PinoyPony
Ha, yes, I figured that out. But not until I got a couple of paragraphs in and had to retroactively change literally everything I thought I understood about the setting and characters.
Ha, yes, I figured that out. But not until I got a couple of paragraphs in and had to retroactively change literally everything I thought I understood about the setting and characters.
This seems:
Oddly bloodless for such a blood-thirsty tale. I don't get any sense of how our narrator feels about anything that happened to him. Is he angry about how he was treated? Perversely glad since it made him the man he is today? And what exactly is his position onboard? Is he captain now? Or, like Long John Silver after he lost his leg, is he nominally the cook while still being more captain than any captain could be?
The other thing I found odd was the reference in the opening paragraph to the future of the cabin boy who replaces our narrator. I figured he'd come back somehow at the end since he has such a prominent place at the beginning, but he's never heard from again.
Still, you can't go wrong with a story about pirates, especially this close to International Talk Like a Pirate Day.
Mike
Oddly bloodless for such a blood-thirsty tale. I don't get any sense of how our narrator feels about anything that happened to him. Is he angry about how he was treated? Perversely glad since it made him the man he is today? And what exactly is his position onboard? Is he captain now? Or, like Long John Silver after he lost his leg, is he nominally the cook while still being more captain than any captain could be?
The other thing I found odd was the reference in the opening paragraph to the future of the cabin boy who replaces our narrator. I figured he'd come back somehow at the end since he has such a prominent place at the beginning, but he's never heard from again.
Still, you can't go wrong with a story about pirates, especially this close to International Talk Like a Pirate Day.
Mike
>>Baal Bunny
So I wasn't the only one who noticed this.
The voicing here would be excellent if the narrator were talking about the first time he caught an exceptionally large fish, but the bloody battle and the severed leg don't fit with his emotional tone. Dig in, Author! Show me how this guy really feels! If he's preparing a bunch of lilly-livered, good-for-nothing scallywags for a fuckin' war, then make ME want to go to that war! Or make me cry and wish this guy would stop yelling at me! Or make me want to put my hand on his shoulder and ask if there's a dingy he and I can take off this thing so that we can talk about our feelings!
I don't know! There's a lot of directions to go, is my point. You'll still get points for your unique plot (compared to the other entries) and the setting/voice being done well, it just needs that extra oomph to make it more memorable.
I don't get any sense of how our narrator feels about anything that happened to him.
So I wasn't the only one who noticed this.
The voicing here would be excellent if the narrator were talking about the first time he caught an exceptionally large fish, but the bloody battle and the severed leg don't fit with his emotional tone. Dig in, Author! Show me how this guy really feels! If he's preparing a bunch of lilly-livered, good-for-nothing scallywags for a fuckin' war, then make ME want to go to that war! Or make me cry and wish this guy would stop yelling at me! Or make me want to put my hand on his shoulder and ask if there's a dingy he and I can take off this thing so that we can talk about our feelings!
I don't know! There's a lot of directions to go, is my point. You'll still get points for your unique plot (compared to the other entries) and the setting/voice being done well, it just needs that extra oomph to make it more memorable.
Hey, this was cute and charming. Very well done, Author. If only you'd read the thing! Lucky for us, I read this on my phone, which made the formatting easier to get past.
But anyways, this is good. I liked how you were up front that the only way you could tell this story was by a tea & scones analogy, and that the characters—having been introduced as being of indescribable power—speak like any pricks eating scones. It's delightful, and the narration supports the scene so well the whole way through.
On the other hand...
I found myself wanting to know more about what I can't understand. As fun as it is to be told that what I'm seeing is only an analogy, there were times where your analogy gets really specific, which just made me wonder what was really going on. When you mentioned the tea, or the scones, the birthday cake, the office, etc., I started to wonder what those specific items represented in the "real" world. Psst, this is a good time for you to fill me in, or at least make a comedic attempt at doing so. Your analogy structure is charming, but it is still a bit of a cop-out, and I wonder if the laughs couldn't be elevated through some bits and pieces of what I can't understand.
Not that I know how that would work. It's just how I feel.
Also, this is just a minor, minor thing, but watch carefully when you end dialogue with a dash. The smart quotes end up facing the wrong way, because god hates everyone, but he especially hates authors.
But that's all I have to say. Thanks a lot for writing and best of luck in the shakedown!
But anyways, this is good. I liked how you were up front that the only way you could tell this story was by a tea & scones analogy, and that the characters—having been introduced as being of indescribable power—speak like any pricks eating scones. It's delightful, and the narration supports the scene so well the whole way through.
On the other hand...
I found myself wanting to know more about what I can't understand. As fun as it is to be told that what I'm seeing is only an analogy, there were times where your analogy gets really specific, which just made me wonder what was really going on. When you mentioned the tea, or the scones, the birthday cake, the office, etc., I started to wonder what those specific items represented in the "real" world. Psst, this is a good time for you to fill me in, or at least make a comedic attempt at doing so. Your analogy structure is charming, but it is still a bit of a cop-out, and I wonder if the laughs couldn't be elevated through some bits and pieces of what I can't understand.
Not that I know how that would work. It's just how I feel.
Also, this is just a minor, minor thing, but watch carefully when you end dialogue with a dash. The smart quotes end up facing the wrong way, because god hates everyone, but he especially hates authors.
But that's all I have to say. Thanks a lot for writing and best of luck in the shakedown!
>>Haze
>>Samey90
>>Miller Minus
>>Skywriter
None of you have any idea what 'gore porn' is.
I guess I need some explanation why describing eviscerated human remains as 'salsa' or lines like 'And struck. Crunching and splattering followed. Bits rained down on the hard floor.' and explicit descriptions of violence and 'flesh chunks' are fair play but 'He opened up my torso like a curtain opening up at the start of a play, he opened me up like opening night.' is apparently a foul ball.
Hypocrites.
>>Samey90
>>Miller Minus
>>Skywriter
None of you have any idea what 'gore porn' is.
I guess I need some explanation why describing eviscerated human remains as 'salsa' or lines like 'And struck. Crunching and splattering followed. Bits rained down on the hard floor.' and explicit descriptions of violence and 'flesh chunks' are fair play but 'He opened up my torso like a curtain opening up at the start of a play, he opened me up like opening night.' is apparently a foul ball.
Hypocrites.
>>aconcernedparent
if you work at Google, you can check my browser history
None of you have any idea what 'gore porn' is.
if you work at Google, you can check my browser history
>>aconcernedparent
heh, I'm really not joking on that. But that's beside the point.
I hadn't even read the two entries you quoted as counterexamples, so I had to look them up. Just the presence of gruesome violence isn't the matter here, it's how it's used, how it's written. The "salsa" thing is done in this detached tone, and honestly the word just sounds too silly to take too seriously. It's like having the line "and then they boned!" and accusing it of being a porno. The other story has dismemberment, but it's only one line. And then immediately afterward the tension is relieved because the victim starts talking.
72% of this fic's wordcount is the operation scene. Hence the comparison to Cupcakes. This is far more graphic than describing some sickening noises, or a comparison to food. And it's not like it's described as a sterile medical procedure either. Teeth being chiseled into pieces, lungs and hearts removed? I know this is prose and not film, so it's not like you can see it, but it's pretty intense, and it stays at that level of intensity until the last three paragraphs.
Some entries might cut it pretty close, but I can give them the benefit of the doubt that they're using gore (or sex) in service of the story. But this one is... yeah I can see it's going for some kind of message about the slivers of wonderful, but I find it so abstract and vague that it means nothing to me. Some of the wordcount could've been reserved for establishing character or context to better carry the philosophical message, but the focus seemed to be on making the operation more visceral instead. So really I'm critiquing it as being pretentious and hollow as a story, and all that's left is an effective gory torture scene. That's debatable, but it's my opinion, and someone can defend its artistic merit if they disagree.
And all this is coming from someone who thinks Cupcakes is actually quite clever and underrated despite its reputation as a "trollfic".... but it's still gore porn.
heh, I'm really not joking on that. But that's beside the point.
I hadn't even read the two entries you quoted as counterexamples, so I had to look them up. Just the presence of gruesome violence isn't the matter here, it's how it's used, how it's written. The "salsa" thing is done in this detached tone, and honestly the word just sounds too silly to take too seriously. It's like having the line "and then they boned!" and accusing it of being a porno. The other story has dismemberment, but it's only one line. And then immediately afterward the tension is relieved because the victim starts talking.
72% of this fic's wordcount is the operation scene. Hence the comparison to Cupcakes. This is far more graphic than describing some sickening noises, or a comparison to food. And it's not like it's described as a sterile medical procedure either. Teeth being chiseled into pieces, lungs and hearts removed? I know this is prose and not film, so it's not like you can see it, but it's pretty intense, and it stays at that level of intensity until the last three paragraphs.
Some entries might cut it pretty close, but I can give them the benefit of the doubt that they're using gore (or sex) in service of the story. But this one is... yeah I can see it's going for some kind of message about the slivers of wonderful, but I find it so abstract and vague that it means nothing to me. Some of the wordcount could've been reserved for establishing character or context to better carry the philosophical message, but the focus seemed to be on making the operation more visceral instead. So really I'm critiquing it as being pretentious and hollow as a story, and all that's left is an effective gory torture scene. That's debatable, but it's my opinion, and someone can defend its artistic merit if they disagree.
And all this is coming from someone who thinks Cupcakes is actually quite clever and underrated despite its reputation as a "trollfic".... but it's still gore porn.
sexy.
three interesting scenes, so even as a minific it feels packed with content. this also helps to set up a simple arc for the story to follow. and that in turn makes this actually feel kinda romantic, since we see the couple sharing time together both at their most exciting moments and tense awkward moments.
the ending where they patch things up feels a little rushed, but I'll chalk that up to wordcount limits that probably forced cutting some lines. again, there's so much happening in this minific, that I really can't blame it for that, but instead admire it for how much it does accomplish.
three interesting scenes, so even as a minific it feels packed with content. this also helps to set up a simple arc for the story to follow. and that in turn makes this actually feel kinda romantic, since we see the couple sharing time together both at their most exciting moments and tense awkward moments.
the ending where they patch things up feels a little rushed, but I'll chalk that up to wordcount limits that probably forced cutting some lines. again, there's so much happening in this minific, that I really can't blame it for that, but instead admire it for how much it does accomplish.
Competently written, but it never really felt like it delivered on the premise. Also, I'm assuming you were talking about transhumanism.
You got everybody talking about your story on the Discord server, Author, but I guess we're all shy or something because nobody's talking to you. Big fat shame there.
This one isn't in my ballot, but I read it anyway, because see above.
It's a nice story! I would be surprised if it didn't make it to finals, especially because everybody is placing you at #1. The story's imaginative, but where it shines is in the way the sparse space you have -- 750 words max -- there's a clear, evocative idea of what exactly you want to convey.
That's no small feat; it's a mixture between originality in the idea (which makes it more memorable) and pacing. I appreciate how the examples we see cover the whole range: nornal wolf, small one, gigantic.
It gives it a sense of conclusiveness and a sense of variance, of wholeness, so as to speak. It feels like we've seen everything the main character will ever see, which is exactly what you want in a story like this, where the focus is less the narrative of a story and more a glimpse of a character's situation.
I've heard complains that this is less a story and more just like an idea or a prompt in 700ish words; fair, but I think that's entirely understandable in minifics. Genres, structures... There's value in compressing a whole three-arc-story in a small space (another almost-ignored seemingly-favorite in this round, 17 pics, does something like that) but there's also value in doing stuff like this, where you simply flash the reader with something memorable, and then leave. Literature's weird sometimes, so what.
So yeah! Y'all legit, Author, and this one's good. Here's to both of us making it to finals, where we can fight each other under the rain, nothing but fists and fury and blood and glory. It is foretold one of us may die. Pick a God, and pray He shows you mercy.
Kickass story tho. Weeee.
This one isn't in my ballot, but I read it anyway, because see above.
It's a nice story! I would be surprised if it didn't make it to finals, especially because everybody is placing you at #1. The story's imaginative, but where it shines is in the way the sparse space you have -- 750 words max -- there's a clear, evocative idea of what exactly you want to convey.
That's no small feat; it's a mixture between originality in the idea (which makes it more memorable) and pacing. I appreciate how the examples we see cover the whole range: nornal wolf, small one, gigantic.
It gives it a sense of conclusiveness and a sense of variance, of wholeness, so as to speak. It feels like we've seen everything the main character will ever see, which is exactly what you want in a story like this, where the focus is less the narrative of a story and more a glimpse of a character's situation.
I've heard complains that this is less a story and more just like an idea or a prompt in 700ish words; fair, but I think that's entirely understandable in minifics. Genres, structures... There's value in compressing a whole three-arc-story in a small space (another almost-ignored seemingly-favorite in this round, 17 pics, does something like that) but there's also value in doing stuff like this, where you simply flash the reader with something memorable, and then leave. Literature's weird sometimes, so what.
So yeah! Y'all legit, Author, and this one's good. Here's to both of us making it to finals, where we can fight each other under the rain, nothing but fists and fury and blood and glory. It is foretold one of us may die. Pick a God, and pray He shows you mercy.
Kickass story tho. Weeee.
>>Haze
>>aconcernedparent
I think the word you gotta use is not "gore" or "bloody" but more like "disturbing", IMO. "Grotesque". The story I honestly like a lot, but it IS an example of using disturbing imagery for the sake of a metaphor.
It's a bit of a fuzzy thing, to differenciate what counts as "too much" and what does not in these cases. It's about tone, I think, and focus, and details. This one isn't bloody, but it's super clear that the author was going for a visceral tone/imagery for the fic. Metaphorical, but it IS supposed to make you cringe, or flinch, or suck air through your teeth. It's supposed to disturb you. It's disturbing to make a point.
It makes the point well? But I guess it toes the line too much for it to work within the rules of the writeoff. I do think calling this more disturbing than a story where a lot of people die is not hypocritical, it's just taking tone into consideration. I'm sorry for the author cause being told you did what you wanted to do TOO WELL and that is somehow bad must suck, but -- take it as a compliment, I guess?
In a perfect world this would pass to finals cause on concept and execution alone it certainly deserves it. But, rules are rules, and this competition works within certain restrictions. Shame, but you can't shoot the messenger, especially when -- sad as it is -- the messenger has a point.
I do say, this is not gore. This is disturbing surrealism. Different beast altogether, but still not PG-13.
>>aconcernedparent
I think the word you gotta use is not "gore" or "bloody" but more like "disturbing", IMO. "Grotesque". The story I honestly like a lot, but it IS an example of using disturbing imagery for the sake of a metaphor.
It's a bit of a fuzzy thing, to differenciate what counts as "too much" and what does not in these cases. It's about tone, I think, and focus, and details. This one isn't bloody, but it's super clear that the author was going for a visceral tone/imagery for the fic. Metaphorical, but it IS supposed to make you cringe, or flinch, or suck air through your teeth. It's supposed to disturb you. It's disturbing to make a point.
It makes the point well? But I guess it toes the line too much for it to work within the rules of the writeoff. I do think calling this more disturbing than a story where a lot of people die is not hypocritical, it's just taking tone into consideration. I'm sorry for the author cause being told you did what you wanted to do TOO WELL and that is somehow bad must suck, but -- take it as a compliment, I guess?
In a perfect world this would pass to finals cause on concept and execution alone it certainly deserves it. But, rules are rules, and this competition works within certain restrictions. Shame, but you can't shoot the messenger, especially when -- sad as it is -- the messenger has a point.
I do say, this is not gore. This is disturbing surrealism. Different beast altogether, but still not PG-13.
Alright, time to take a swing at this.
The idea of portraying all the sounds in the story as light and vice versa is pretty neat; you've basically taken the prompt and turned it upside down. I wouldn't say it's a novel approach, but it's something that definitely improved my perception of the story after giving it another few more times. The vagueness of it all definitely did leave me a little frustrated at first, though I can come out and say that without it, the story might not work as well as when it's obvious the first time around, so props to you, author!
If anything, I wished the concept could be delved into more. You've left me wondering how the howling and growling of the wolves would look like, or how the moonlight sifting through the leaves as our protagonist rushed through the woods would sound like. It may surpass the word count, surely, but I argue that they could be implemented in place of some of the more 'telly' parts of the story.
Which brings me to the one gripe I had with this entry.
The narrative of the story seems to be a single chase scene through the forest because the protagonist wants a bit of fruit. It's a simple and straightforward approach — justifiable, again, considering the word limit. I had wished you'd build upon the concept with the narrative, though that approach would be difficult considering the word count. On the contrary, even with that in mind, I believe the narrative isn't simple enough, to be frank.
I don't think it's to the story's merit that we need to know the 'why' and 'how' she got into this situation, nor is it important to focus too much on the environment— the one paragraph that goes into detail about the tree's bark sticks out like a sore thumb for me. I also think you don't have to outright identify the antagonist as being wolves as well; if it's something left to our imagination, I believe it would amp up the fear factor a little and would allow you to be a bit creative with the descriptions a little.
Also, the ending.
Maybe it's me, but the ending was close to contradictory to the tone of the story that you've set so far. I would rather see the doom of our protagonist be described with the lights and sounds approach. How would you craft an image of death using the distorted instruments of light and sound, I wonder? It also doesn't function narratively: you mentioned several times a wolf tasted her directly, yet somehow, they just ignore it as if she's a mushroom in the middle of the forest. I would think wolves with their acute senses could smell the blood from the cuts in her skin and recognize the taste of warm breathing flesh as well.
Overall, it's a neat story with a wonderful concept that's unfortunately dragged a little too far down by its narrative. I do hope some of my fellow writers would give further insight into some things I've missed and would love to hear their opinions on this piece, cause I think the ideas being toyed with here are interesting.
Best of luck to you!
The idea of portraying all the sounds in the story as light and vice versa is pretty neat; you've basically taken the prompt and turned it upside down. I wouldn't say it's a novel approach, but it's something that definitely improved my perception of the story after giving it another few more times. The vagueness of it all definitely did leave me a little frustrated at first, though I can come out and say that without it, the story might not work as well as when it's obvious the first time around, so props to you, author!
If anything, I wished the concept could be delved into more. You've left me wondering how the howling and growling of the wolves would look like, or how the moonlight sifting through the leaves as our protagonist rushed through the woods would sound like. It may surpass the word count, surely, but I argue that they could be implemented in place of some of the more 'telly' parts of the story.
Which brings me to the one gripe I had with this entry.
The narrative of the story seems to be a single chase scene through the forest because the protagonist wants a bit of fruit. It's a simple and straightforward approach — justifiable, again, considering the word limit. I had wished you'd build upon the concept with the narrative, though that approach would be difficult considering the word count. On the contrary, even with that in mind, I believe the narrative isn't simple enough, to be frank.
I don't think it's to the story's merit that we need to know the 'why' and 'how' she got into this situation, nor is it important to focus too much on the environment— the one paragraph that goes into detail about the tree's bark sticks out like a sore thumb for me. I also think you don't have to outright identify the antagonist as being wolves as well; if it's something left to our imagination, I believe it would amp up the fear factor a little and would allow you to be a bit creative with the descriptions a little.
Also, the ending.
Maybe it's me, but the ending was close to contradictory to the tone of the story that you've set so far. I would rather see the doom of our protagonist be described with the lights and sounds approach. How would you craft an image of death using the distorted instruments of light and sound, I wonder? It also doesn't function narratively: you mentioned several times a wolf tasted her directly, yet somehow, they just ignore it as if she's a mushroom in the middle of the forest. I would think wolves with their acute senses could smell the blood from the cuts in her skin and recognize the taste of warm breathing flesh as well.
Overall, it's a neat story with a wonderful concept that's unfortunately dragged a little too far down by its narrative. I do hope some of my fellow writers would give further insight into some things I've missed and would love to hear their opinions on this piece, cause I think the ideas being toyed with here are interesting.
Best of luck to you!
Joining the bandwagon here.
I feel like there's a good story somewhere in this entry. I agree with everyone else, the tone is visceral, and I do like it, yes, but it doesn't serve any other purpose other than to unsettle us. I feel like the point it's making is lost in all the descriptions, which were done well, but the message behind them is not coming through.
One fix I can think of while reading this story is that we change the reader's perspective to that of Doctor Bronner.
He seems to be the fulcrum of the story, with the sequence of events ostensibly more important to him than to our objectively more boring protagonist. Considering how absurd the direction of the story was already from the victim's perspective, I'd like to see a transcendence of that by jumping into the mad doctor's shoes. I want to understand his logic, as illogical as it may be. I want to feel his ecstasy, as immoral as it may be. If there's a message in this story, perhaps it can be accentuated further with this character in the focus without sacrificing all the little details in the process.
To put it in the simplest and bluntest way possible, the story had the gall to disturb us for the moment we're reading it but lacked the conviction to cement it for eternity. If you want to write something shocking, I'd say make it a memorable one. It can be done and it has been done before, even with a short word count.
I feel like there's a good story somewhere in this entry. I agree with everyone else, the tone is visceral, and I do like it, yes, but it doesn't serve any other purpose other than to unsettle us. I feel like the point it's making is lost in all the descriptions, which were done well, but the message behind them is not coming through.
One fix I can think of while reading this story is that we change the reader's perspective to that of Doctor Bronner.
He seems to be the fulcrum of the story, with the sequence of events ostensibly more important to him than to our objectively more boring protagonist. Considering how absurd the direction of the story was already from the victim's perspective, I'd like to see a transcendence of that by jumping into the mad doctor's shoes. I want to understand his logic, as illogical as it may be. I want to feel his ecstasy, as immoral as it may be. If there's a message in this story, perhaps it can be accentuated further with this character in the focus without sacrificing all the little details in the process.
To put it in the simplest and bluntest way possible, the story had the gall to disturb us for the moment we're reading it but lacked the conviction to cement it for eternity. If you want to write something shocking, I'd say make it a memorable one. It can be done and it has been done before, even with a short word count.
Alternate Title: The Crazy African Queen
Re-reading these entries for my reviews has given me the chance to appreciate stories I was not so fond of at first. It also gives me the chance to rethink my assessment of a story I really liked upon first read.
The is more a case of the latter. When I first read The Waru Wolf of Arukadiland (what a name) I placed it near the top of my slate. It has a lot of things I like in a mystery/literary entry, and most of the remain perfectly intact still.
I like "river of madness" type stories, and this is basically one of them. The protagonist, whose name I had to check because it's only mentioned once, is kind of a crazy bitch. Not in an endearing or figurative way, but more in the sense that she probably belongs in a mental hospital, or an asylum as would've the go-to option at the time.
It took me some detail-picking to come to the conclusion that this takes place in the mid-19th century, or thereabouts. Stuffy British Commonwealth stuff. Victoria is kind of an interesting character, though, because despite being insane in the membrane she's not a malicious person (at least no more so than a perfectly sane person), and unlike many ladies of her time went out of her way for a taste of adventure. She's not married, as far as I know, though I don't know if she's supposed to be young or old.
But sure, let's have a slightly Shakespearean British woman try to find a mystical wolf in the middle of the African jungle.
This is one of the very few entries where I find myself reading it in a certain voice, guessing what Victoria must sound like, that takes a lot of effort on the author's part, to write in such a way that is really immersive.
Probably why this and a certain other fic that pulls a similar trick later are two of my favorites.
Now, enjoyable as it is, this is a pretty predictable story. You go in expecting her to not find what she's looking for, and you'd be right about that. The diary format, though perfectly robust, seems too formally laid out (but this could be a byproduct of the character's general formality), and doesn't do much to raise tension or a sense of mystery.
There are a few other things I can nitpick (Is Mackleby a Sir or a Lord? Are those titles mutually exclusive?) but I can't find anything even close to deal-breaking, subjectively speaking.
A damn fine read, kind sir or madam.
Re-reading these entries for my reviews has given me the chance to appreciate stories I was not so fond of at first. It also gives me the chance to rethink my assessment of a story I really liked upon first read.
The is more a case of the latter. When I first read The Waru Wolf of Arukadiland (what a name) I placed it near the top of my slate. It has a lot of things I like in a mystery/literary entry, and most of the remain perfectly intact still.
I like "river of madness" type stories, and this is basically one of them. The protagonist, whose name I had to check because it's only mentioned once, is kind of a crazy bitch. Not in an endearing or figurative way, but more in the sense that she probably belongs in a mental hospital, or an asylum as would've the go-to option at the time.
It took me some detail-picking to come to the conclusion that this takes place in the mid-19th century, or thereabouts. Stuffy British Commonwealth stuff. Victoria is kind of an interesting character, though, because despite being insane in the membrane she's not a malicious person (at least no more so than a perfectly sane person), and unlike many ladies of her time went out of her way for a taste of adventure. She's not married, as far as I know, though I don't know if she's supposed to be young or old.
But sure, let's have a slightly Shakespearean British woman try to find a mystical wolf in the middle of the African jungle.
This is one of the very few entries where I find myself reading it in a certain voice, guessing what Victoria must sound like, that takes a lot of effort on the author's part, to write in such a way that is really immersive.
Probably why this and a certain other fic that pulls a similar trick later are two of my favorites.
Now, enjoyable as it is, this is a pretty predictable story. You go in expecting her to not find what she's looking for, and you'd be right about that. The diary format, though perfectly robust, seems too formally laid out (but this could be a byproduct of the character's general formality), and doesn't do much to raise tension or a sense of mystery.
There are a few other things I can nitpick (Is Mackleby a Sir or a Lord? Are those titles mutually exclusive?) but I can't find anything even close to deal-breaking, subjectively speaking.
A damn fine read, kind sir or madam.
>>aconcernedparent
Dunno, but for me describing gore as "salsa" is the equivalent of using a phrase "love taco" in a clopfic. It immediately establishes the scene is not quite serious (and now I'm tempted to write a guro fic using solely Mexican cuisine references).
Dunno, but for me describing gore as "salsa" is the equivalent of using a phrase "love taco" in a clopfic. It immediately establishes the scene is not quite serious (and now I'm tempted to write a guro fic using solely Mexican cuisine references).
Alternate Title: The Bastards of Jolly Roger Bay
I was going through all the entries, from top to bottom, and before I read Kennel of Hounds I thought, "You know what this round needs? A story about fucking pirates." And that must've done it, because here it is.
This is easily one of my favorites, even though I'll somewhat agree with the previous comments about the voicing and overall tonal direction of the thing.
This is not a story that has a twist, necessarily, unless you count the narrator killing the former captain of his ship as a twist, though it's honestly more of an explanation as to how he got here.
It's a reasonably self-contained story about how a guy lost his innocence (and also a leg) and became the captain of a ship filled with uncivilized bros. Clearly this is not the bro-tastic utopia the ancient Greeks had envisioned, hence the title. It's kind of an obvious metaphor, but it's used effectively and is by no means confusing.
It took me a while to figure out that its connection to the prompt is pretty tenuous, though.
Not that we ever judge entries on how connected they are to the prompt anyway.
The funny thing about Kennel of Hounds is that my favorite aspect of it also happens to be (arguably) its biggest flaw, that being the voice of the narrator. At first I though he was meant to be Scottish or Irish (someone from the British Isles either way) but I figured this was a story about pirates and I instantly loved it.
Okay, maybe "loved" is a bit too strong a word; there aren't any entries that come to my mind that I'd say I swooned over, but this did come close enough.
Flawed, but certainly worth re-reading.
I was going through all the entries, from top to bottom, and before I read Kennel of Hounds I thought, "You know what this round needs? A story about fucking pirates." And that must've done it, because here it is.
This is easily one of my favorites, even though I'll somewhat agree with the previous comments about the voicing and overall tonal direction of the thing.
This is not a story that has a twist, necessarily, unless you count the narrator killing the former captain of his ship as a twist, though it's honestly more of an explanation as to how he got here.
It's a reasonably self-contained story about how a guy lost his innocence (and also a leg) and became the captain of a ship filled with uncivilized bros. Clearly this is not the bro-tastic utopia the ancient Greeks had envisioned, hence the title. It's kind of an obvious metaphor, but it's used effectively and is by no means confusing.
It took me a while to figure out that its connection to the prompt is pretty tenuous, though.
Not that we ever judge entries on how connected they are to the prompt anyway.
The funny thing about Kennel of Hounds is that my favorite aspect of it also happens to be (arguably) its biggest flaw, that being the voice of the narrator. At first I though he was meant to be Scottish or Irish (someone from the British Isles either way) but I figured this was a story about pirates and I instantly loved it.
Okay, maybe "loved" is a bit too strong a word; there aren't any entries that come to my mind that I'd say I swooned over, but this did come close enough.
Flawed, but certainly worth re-reading.
Alternate Title: A Boy and His Big Bad Wolf
One of the most obvious finalists of this round, and there's a good reason for that. I'll get my praise out of the way and say this is a pretty great premise. The choice of these creatures being wolves is basically just there because wolves howl, and so it has a connection to the prompt, but what the wolves represent is pretty novel.
Everyone has a shadowy wolf that follows them around, and the bigger the wolf the more vices the person has. The wolf also tells the owner's vices to the protagonist, for a reason I'm not sure of (No, bad Raisin, nothing but praise for now!), and it turns out he can see everyone else's wolves (IE their vices) while they can't even see their own.
Bravo, author, that's pretty original. Easily one of a handful of entries this round that strikes me as striving for something that really feels unique. If I had to judge this only on its originality it'd be in my top three for sure.
There's just one problem, though, and it's kind of a big one: I don't really care for the story being presented here.
That probably sounds harsh, but let me explain.
There are a few characters in this story, and none of whom are given much in the way of personality. Some don't even have names, and are instead boiled down to their looks or archetypes (the businessman and the guy in rags for instance), and Roger, the protagonist, is kind of a sadistic prick, but there's honestly not much else I can say about him. I don't even know where or how he got this wolf-seeing power, or why he's seemingly the only person who has it. There's nothing even implied about where he got this power from, and that kind of bugs me.
As a result I don't particularly care for any of these characters. I had to re-read it again just because I forgot the protagonist's name, and also because I swore to myself I missed something that would've made this story feel more like a proper story, or maybe something that would've given this dark urban fantasy world more of a three-dimensional identity.
But that never happened. Instead I'm stuck with an asshole of a main character who has a special power for no reason, and that means I can only admire this story at arm's length. I can't get into it as much as others have.
But regardless, I do think the premise of this story is worthy of praise.
I just feel like the story itself, what little there is of it, is not.
One of the most obvious finalists of this round, and there's a good reason for that. I'll get my praise out of the way and say this is a pretty great premise. The choice of these creatures being wolves is basically just there because wolves howl, and so it has a connection to the prompt, but what the wolves represent is pretty novel.
Everyone has a shadowy wolf that follows them around, and the bigger the wolf the more vices the person has. The wolf also tells the owner's vices to the protagonist, for a reason I'm not sure of (No, bad Raisin, nothing but praise for now!), and it turns out he can see everyone else's wolves (IE their vices) while they can't even see their own.
Bravo, author, that's pretty original. Easily one of a handful of entries this round that strikes me as striving for something that really feels unique. If I had to judge this only on its originality it'd be in my top three for sure.
There's just one problem, though, and it's kind of a big one: I don't really care for the story being presented here.
That probably sounds harsh, but let me explain.
There are a few characters in this story, and none of whom are given much in the way of personality. Some don't even have names, and are instead boiled down to their looks or archetypes (the businessman and the guy in rags for instance), and Roger, the protagonist, is kind of a sadistic prick, but there's honestly not much else I can say about him. I don't even know where or how he got this wolf-seeing power, or why he's seemingly the only person who has it. There's nothing even implied about where he got this power from, and that kind of bugs me.
As a result I don't particularly care for any of these characters. I had to re-read it again just because I forgot the protagonist's name, and also because I swore to myself I missed something that would've made this story feel more like a proper story, or maybe something that would've given this dark urban fantasy world more of a three-dimensional identity.
But that never happened. Instead I'm stuck with an asshole of a main character who has a special power for no reason, and that means I can only admire this story at arm's length. I can't get into it as much as others have.
But regardless, I do think the premise of this story is worthy of praise.
I just feel like the story itself, what little there is of it, is not.
>>No_Raisin
>>Hap
This didn't happen. Whoops.
I don't get what you think is tenuous, mostly because you don't explain, but the connection to me is pretty apparent in that the captain is "howling" to his men in the form of a tough guy speech to call them to battle. Albeit the time of day and lighting conditions aren't specified (I assume it's in the dark), this is a pretty strong connection, in my opinion.
>>Hap
the narrator killing the former captain of his ship as a twist
This didn't happen. Whoops.
It took me a while to figure out that its connection to the prompt is pretty tenuous, though.
I don't get what you think is tenuous, mostly because you don't explain, but the connection to me is pretty apparent in that the captain is "howling" to his men in the form of a tough guy speech to call them to battle. Albeit the time of day and lighting conditions aren't specified (I assume it's in the dark), this is a pretty strong connection, in my opinion.
Radio Writeoff Returns!
Dubs Rewatcher, Quill Scratch, and I, will be talking about several stories this coming Saturday at 1:00 PM Mountain Time.
Convert to your own timezone here.
Listen live on Discord, or catch the recording after the fact.
Please vote for the stories you'd like us to discuss at this poll. Voting will close on Friday!
We will, at the very least, do a rough recording for those who want to listen later.
And behold, I saw a Greate Beastie, and it's name was Legion, but many knew it by many names such as Real World and Laundry and the dreaded Mowing The Lawn. And the Beastie fell upon the scribe with the howl of wifely 'But you promised!' and tore into the precious Free Time which had been closeted away.
And woe spread among all who witnessed the carnage, for they too were not immune to the Beastie's savage attacks. And there was greate mourning for the lost. And some bookmarks, in case a few shreds of time were found undevoured.
And woe spread among all who witnessed the carnage, for they too were not immune to the Beastie's savage attacks. And there was greate mourning for the lost. And some bookmarks, in case a few shreds of time were found undevoured.
I'm going to diverge from the pack here and say this was not near the top of my slate.
I don't think it sounds like kids talking. I don't think the two characters had distinct voices. The whole thing felt cheesy and one-note, like an after school special.
It was like, let's put a kid in a bad situation, then just really hammer home just exactly how bad the situation is! I don't think there was any nuance to how it was handled. It doesn't have a message, it doesn't make the reader think. It's just... yep, sucks for that kid.
Except the kid has no personality so I don't really care.
You've clearly struck a chord with some folks, and this definitely ranks above the nonsensical entries, or the ones without an ending, but this one just did not do it for me.
I don't think it sounds like kids talking. I don't think the two characters had distinct voices. The whole thing felt cheesy and one-note, like an after school special.
It was like, let's put a kid in a bad situation, then just really hammer home just exactly how bad the situation is! I don't think there was any nuance to how it was handled. It doesn't have a message, it doesn't make the reader think. It's just... yep, sucks for that kid.
Except the kid has no personality so I don't really care.
You've clearly struck a chord with some folks, and this definitely ranks above the nonsensical entries, or the ones without an ending, but this one just did not do it for me.
Alternate Title: The Most Intense Midnight Snack in Human History
Okay, I'll say it right here, right now, so I don't forget: I kinda like this entry, in spite of its very noticeable flaws, which I'll get into in a second.
It's cute, which is refreshing. There are only a few entries this round that I'd describe as "cute," and Mission Impossible might be the only one that is cute in a platonic way, and not lovey-dovey. Not that I mind the latter, but in a contest round where literally half the entries involve wolves and/or romance shenanigans this is certainly different.
Susan and Amy are written well enough; they have more personality to each of them than certain other entry protagonists, and even though I'm not on a diet myself (if anything I need to eat a bit more) I relate to Susan's love of peanut butter.
But let's face it, you could replace these two with EqG characters and you wouldn't have to change anything else. Unless LEGO doesn't exist in that world.
There's also the matter of the prose, which upon revisiting is even shoddier than I originally thought. No, "suite" cannot be an adjective, the author just got the Q and S keys mixed up. There are also a lot of weird phrasing choices ("Dead of the night" instead of "The dead of night") that give me the slight impression that this was not written by a native English writer. It could be a certain elderly Frenchman, but I'll give the benefit of the doubt and assume not. The writing generally suffers from a lack of polish (says the guy who rarely edits his own reviews), which is disappointing.
Then there's the exposition dump at the end, which >>Haze already addressed in fine detail. I feel like the story got mixed up in its structure, or rather that it ends long after it should've and begins likewise. Susan getting caught and the context for her sneaking around should've been revealed in like the last paragraph.
This sounds like quite a bit of complaining, but I still enjoy this entry more than some of the most well-liked ones from this round, as weird as that might sound.
Okay, I'll say it right here, right now, so I don't forget: I kinda like this entry, in spite of its very noticeable flaws, which I'll get into in a second.
It's cute, which is refreshing. There are only a few entries this round that I'd describe as "cute," and Mission Impossible might be the only one that is cute in a platonic way, and not lovey-dovey. Not that I mind the latter, but in a contest round where literally half the entries involve wolves and/or romance shenanigans this is certainly different.
Susan and Amy are written well enough; they have more personality to each of them than certain other entry protagonists, and even though I'm not on a diet myself (if anything I need to eat a bit more) I relate to Susan's love of peanut butter.
But let's face it, you could replace these two with EqG characters and you wouldn't have to change anything else. Unless LEGO doesn't exist in that world.
There's also the matter of the prose, which upon revisiting is even shoddier than I originally thought. No, "suite" cannot be an adjective, the author just got the Q and S keys mixed up. There are also a lot of weird phrasing choices ("Dead of the night" instead of "The dead of night") that give me the slight impression that this was not written by a native English writer. It could be a certain elderly Frenchman, but I'll give the benefit of the doubt and assume not. The writing generally suffers from a lack of polish (says the guy who rarely edits his own reviews), which is disappointing.
Then there's the exposition dump at the end, which >>Haze already addressed in fine detail. I feel like the story got mixed up in its structure, or rather that it ends long after it should've and begins likewise. Susan getting caught and the context for her sneaking around should've been revealed in like the last paragraph.
This sounds like quite a bit of complaining, but I still enjoy this entry more than some of the most well-liked ones from this round, as weird as that might sound.
Alternate Title: Wake Up, Mr. Freeman
I'll be honest, I didn't get this story the first time I read it. In hindsight it might've been too esoteric for something I had read in the middle of a boss rush, so I'm glad I re-read it.
Seven Dry Places is definitely one of the more imaginative entries here, and it kinda straddles the line between sci-fi and fantasy, since the narrator is definitely a fantasy byproduct but the setting is totally more sci-fi. The ending also has some chilling implications, assuming the narrator is evil.
Unfortunately, I feel like I'm locked out of really appreciating this story, on account of being a dirty heathen and not being familiar with the Bible all that much. I know the number seven is supposed to be meaningful in a biblical context, and shows up in the New Testament all the fucking time, but I can't draw a connection to it beyond that.
Something about the chaplain also rubs me the wrong way. I know she is supposed to be psychically trained, whatever that means, so she'd be used to hearing others' voices in her head, but there's a certain line I want to quote:
Hold the fucking phone—what? This might be the first time humanity has made contact with...? And yet the chaplain is acting like she's having an afternoon tea chat with a friend. Her reaction to the narrator is so understated that it kinda makes her out to be wooden. I don't know anyone would or even can react to this situation in this way.
You could argue that her training dulled her emotions, or something along those lines, but that seems like doing the author's work for him/her, and anyway I don't buy that.
My biggest problem with the conversation, then, is its execution, but I do really like the subtext of what is happening, limited as my knowledge of Judeo-Christian theology is. Jesus, I did religious studies for four years and this is what I have to offer in my review?
All that aside, I by no means dislike this story, and while I wouldn't put it near the top of my slate, it's certainly in the upper half, easily. It doesn't involve wolves either, so that's a plus too.
I'll be honest, I didn't get this story the first time I read it. In hindsight it might've been too esoteric for something I had read in the middle of a boss rush, so I'm glad I re-read it.
Seven Dry Places is definitely one of the more imaginative entries here, and it kinda straddles the line between sci-fi and fantasy, since the narrator is definitely a fantasy byproduct but the setting is totally more sci-fi. The ending also has some chilling implications, assuming the narrator is evil.
Unfortunately, I feel like I'm locked out of really appreciating this story, on account of being a dirty heathen and not being familiar with the Bible all that much. I know the number seven is supposed to be meaningful in a biblical context, and shows up in the New Testament all the fucking time, but I can't draw a connection to it beyond that.
Something about the chaplain also rubs me the wrong way. I know she is supposed to be psychically trained, whatever that means, so she'd be used to hearing others' voices in her head, but there's a certain line I want to quote:
This may be humanity’s first contact with extraterrestrial intelligence, but pain is pain.
Hold the fucking phone—what? This might be the first time humanity has made contact with...? And yet the chaplain is acting like she's having an afternoon tea chat with a friend. Her reaction to the narrator is so understated that it kinda makes her out to be wooden. I don't know anyone would or even can react to this situation in this way.
You could argue that her training dulled her emotions, or something along those lines, but that seems like doing the author's work for him/her, and anyway I don't buy that.
My biggest problem with the conversation, then, is its execution, but I do really like the subtext of what is happening, limited as my knowledge of Judeo-Christian theology is. Jesus, I did religious studies for four years and this is what I have to offer in my review?
All that aside, I by no means dislike this story, and while I wouldn't put it near the top of my slate, it's certainly in the upper half, easily. It doesn't involve wolves either, so that's a plus too.
Alternate Title: There Will Be Wolves
Of all the entries that have wolves, this is a strong contender for the wolfiest of them all.
And that didn't even make sense.
Okay, in all fairness, this is a well-written piece, albeit with the occasional mistake (getting "then" and "than" confused is a classic one), and some of the descriptions put too much emphasis on the mystery of the thing the reader probably figure out from the very first paragraph.
Yeah, this is a pretty typical trapped-in-the-wild-with-wolves story. There's no other way around it. If you think this story will turn out a certain way, you would be absolutely right. What surprised me more, both upon first reading and revisiting, is the fact that there's no real twist, if you think about it.
I get that the wolves showing up is supposed to be the heart-pounding twist, but even a slightly savvy reader will see it coming, to the point where I don't feel the need to mark anything in my actual review as a spoiler.
We also know almost nothing about the protagonist aside from his gender (which doesn't matter in the context of the story anyway) and that he's having a bad time, surviving a plane crash and then getting surrounded by wolves.
Context is paramount, even if it's just a sentence.
I don't think I have anything else to add. I'm sorry, author. I failed you.
Of all the entries that have wolves, this is a strong contender for the wolfiest of them all.
And that didn't even make sense.
Okay, in all fairness, this is a well-written piece, albeit with the occasional mistake (getting "then" and "than" confused is a classic one), and some of the descriptions put too much emphasis on the mystery of the thing the reader probably figure out from the very first paragraph.
Yeah, this is a pretty typical trapped-in-the-wild-with-wolves story. There's no other way around it. If you think this story will turn out a certain way, you would be absolutely right. What surprised me more, both upon first reading and revisiting, is the fact that there's no real twist, if you think about it.
I get that the wolves showing up is supposed to be the heart-pounding twist, but even a slightly savvy reader will see it coming, to the point where I don't feel the need to mark anything in my actual review as a spoiler.
We also know almost nothing about the protagonist aside from his gender (which doesn't matter in the context of the story anyway) and that he's having a bad time, surviving a plane crash and then getting surrounded by wolves.
Context is paramount, even if it's just a sentence.
I don't think I have anything else to add. I'm sorry, author. I failed you.
My quest to find out what's keeping me awake tonight has brought me to this story, the only one that has yet to be commented on. It will suffer my insomnia-driven wra - - hang on, that was good. What's everybody waiting for?
Hmmm.
I wager that this will be a top ten story this round, top five even, and yet something has to be said about how quiet the comments section has been. There's been a bit of chat in the discord channel, but nobody has dug very deep as far as I can tell.
To start, let's be honest. The idea is strange, personifying a shooting star. It's ambitious, and it might be one of the best takes on the prompt. But all that being said, it's hard to relate to an inanimate object, especially when the object itself is reminding the reader every now and again that it is inanimate. It is specifically presented as being entirely different from people. The only similarity seems to be that it talks like us, which is a good start, but that's really all we have in common.
I hate to say this, but I'm wondering if this idea is just limited for this reason. Because I can hardly fault the execution; the voicing is great, a perfect mixture of childlike and mystical; it's a complete story, which is hard to do in a minific round; and the topic is sad, which always gets me going some. Bonus points for a downer ending when it's done right, which you have done.
But it's... just a rock. And I'm not Maud Pie.
Truly, my favourite paragraph of this was when the star listed the different wishes people had, how they contradicted each other, and how it had no chance of helping any decent fraction of the people. Because... I care about people. I wish there were more of them in the story.
But you know what, forget what I said about all this being the idea's fault, that's horseshit. There must be some way to make this tale more relatable and memorable. I unfortunately can't find out how, but I hope everything I've said may give some clues.
Or I could be batshit crazy and the upcoming comments will be nothing but praise.
Either way, I'm glad I got the chance to read this entry, it gave me something to think about. Thanks for writing and best of luck to you!
Hmmm.
I wager that this will be a top ten story this round, top five even, and yet something has to be said about how quiet the comments section has been. There's been a bit of chat in the discord channel, but nobody has dug very deep as far as I can tell.
To start, let's be honest. The idea is strange, personifying a shooting star. It's ambitious, and it might be one of the best takes on the prompt. But all that being said, it's hard to relate to an inanimate object, especially when the object itself is reminding the reader every now and again that it is inanimate. It is specifically presented as being entirely different from people. The only similarity seems to be that it talks like us, which is a good start, but that's really all we have in common.
I hate to say this, but I'm wondering if this idea is just limited for this reason. Because I can hardly fault the execution; the voicing is great, a perfect mixture of childlike and mystical; it's a complete story, which is hard to do in a minific round; and the topic is sad, which always gets me going some. Bonus points for a downer ending when it's done right, which you have done.
But it's... just a rock. And I'm not Maud Pie.
Truly, my favourite paragraph of this was when the star listed the different wishes people had, how they contradicted each other, and how it had no chance of helping any decent fraction of the people. Because... I care about people. I wish there were more of them in the story.
But you know what, forget what I said about all this being the idea's fault, that's horseshit. There must be some way to make this tale more relatable and memorable. I unfortunately can't find out how, but I hope everything I've said may give some clues.
Or I could be batshit crazy and the upcoming comments will be nothing but praise.
Either way, I'm glad I got the chance to read this entry, it gave me something to think about. Thanks for writing and best of luck to you!
Four days in, and there are stories with only one comment apiece? I'm not keen on reviewing everything again, but since I've read every entry, I suppose I can help by reviewing a few fics with nowhere near enough natter. Here we go!
I will say this for Fool Moon: one or two typos aside, it's very well-written. The progression of events felt smooth and comfortably paced, with enough verbiage used to deliver each point and then move on to the next paragraph. I had an easy time visualizing the scene and getting into the headspace of the character Sheila. So on technicals alone: good job!
Plus, I like the back and forth between tension and relaxation. First, we assume she's in supernatural danger. Then we see her get over that and suspect a prank. Then the monster comes and for a moment it looks like she's foolishly led the real thing to herself. But then it turns out she's OK. For 750 words, that seems a reasonable amount of alternation between twists, especially with the physical description and the brief introspective moments.
My main complaint, to be honest, is that this is all very good for a much longer fic. As a starter to a short story, this is encouraging, with the main subversive point of the scene a competent launching point for future elaboration. But this isn't a short story. This is a minific. And measured against that, you can tell the fic's insubstantial as a complete standalone.
For instance, Sheila's only notable trait is her playfulness, which is unremarkable for a married couple. Even her bravery early on is undermined by the fact that she knows before we do there's really nothing to be scared of, so it's less a character note and more a byproduct of the way the story's told. Without knowing the characters vividly, the fun is mostly academic.
Yeah, it's a bit weak of me to basically say "your story doesn't fit the limit". It's 750 words and hard enough to write anything complete with that. Also, it is a cute idea, to be fair. But like this, it lacks substance, which means nothing much to chew on for a reader, nothing to make them remember it.
What I think you should do next time is scale back the descriptions a tad (I do like them, but sometimes sacrifices must be made) and have a little more happen to Sheila to test her character, throw in a curious quirk, give us an idea of who she is, help us identify with her. It might be worth sowing more doubt on her part, for instance, which also addresses >>Miller Minus's issue about it lacking tension.
Plus, the joke's that little sharper if we identify with and root more deeply for the character, than if we feel like bystanders to a demo run for a concept.
I will say this for Fool Moon: one or two typos aside, it's very well-written. The progression of events felt smooth and comfortably paced, with enough verbiage used to deliver each point and then move on to the next paragraph. I had an easy time visualizing the scene and getting into the headspace of the character Sheila. So on technicals alone: good job!
Plus, I like the back and forth between tension and relaxation. First, we assume she's in supernatural danger. Then we see her get over that and suspect a prank. Then the monster comes and for a moment it looks like she's foolishly led the real thing to herself. But then it turns out she's OK. For 750 words, that seems a reasonable amount of alternation between twists, especially with the physical description and the brief introspective moments.
My main complaint, to be honest, is that this is all very good for a much longer fic. As a starter to a short story, this is encouraging, with the main subversive point of the scene a competent launching point for future elaboration. But this isn't a short story. This is a minific. And measured against that, you can tell the fic's insubstantial as a complete standalone.
For instance, Sheila's only notable trait is her playfulness, which is unremarkable for a married couple. Even her bravery early on is undermined by the fact that she knows before we do there's really nothing to be scared of, so it's less a character note and more a byproduct of the way the story's told. Without knowing the characters vividly, the fun is mostly academic.
Yeah, it's a bit weak of me to basically say "your story doesn't fit the limit". It's 750 words and hard enough to write anything complete with that. Also, it is a cute idea, to be fair. But like this, it lacks substance, which means nothing much to chew on for a reader, nothing to make them remember it.
What I think you should do next time is scale back the descriptions a tad (I do like them, but sometimes sacrifices must be made) and have a little more happen to Sheila to test her character, throw in a curious quirk, give us an idea of who she is, help us identify with her. It might be worth sowing more doubt on her part, for instance, which also addresses >>Miller Minus's issue about it lacking tension.
Plus, the joke's that little sharper if we identify with and root more deeply for the character, than if we feel like bystanders to a demo run for a concept.
This concept alone gets the story high on my slate. The xenofictional perspective of a meteor? Great! Their function involves granting wishes? Great! They risk death doing this and immediately lose all existential purpose even if they survive and succeed? Er... depressing as hell, but... Great!
I don't know if it was intentional (I suspect not), but the prose seems a little breathless and redundant. What I mean is that the fic's more than happy to restate or emphasize points (such as the ABSOLUTE CRUCIALNESS of granting that wish), and I could see some people get exasperated by that. For me, it works fine. It hints at a slight panic in the narrator's voice, as if it's trying to remind itself over and over of just how important this is, which fits the details of the tense story like a glove.
There's also a nice touch with the commentary on human wishes, though it feels a little odd at times. For example, the first bit about there being no other wish-making creatures within millions of miles emphasizes, indirectly perhaps, how unique our species is to the meteor. But then there's the bit about how meteors have nothing but "endless, formless blackness" without human wishes. I guess this is to show how bleak life is in space, but it comes across as trying to justify a depressing state of existence, and doing that - rather than describing this tragically sad existence as simply a matter of fact - in turn comes across as a little awkward and jarring. I mean, if your best purpose in life involves suicide-godmothering, just do it and get it over with. Don't imply you're actually thankful for this pathetic state of affairs. It's like a weird form of Stockholm Syndrome. I think you could remove this detail, or repurpose it as a "but what choice do we have?" point about desperation.
On the other hand, I really like the indecisiveness of the meteor when faced with the sheer multitude of human thoughts. It adds stress to the character - good for drama - but also makes sense within the world built up here. Why wouldn't it tap into millions of human minds coming into range, after all? Plus, it avoids the problem of picking a wish and immediately making the experience narrow down; we're talking about a sentient meteor here, so we should focus on a general overview of the world of our protagonist.
Lastly, I quite liked the way the meteor's atmospheric entry was described. Good development of the scene and the emotional intensity there. No complaints!
My biggest complaint, really, is an inevitable consequence of this set-up; because the star's so monomaniacally, even desperately, focused on the mechanics of fulfilling this one depressing purpose against the odds, the fic feels... if I'm being nice, "streamlined", but if I'm being critical, "thin". It's a good fit for the minific format because the concept is inherently not designed for a larger number of words, but it also makes it feel very... isolated as an experience. I mean, it's xenofiction; of course I don't know what it's like to be a meteor hitting the exosphere. I don't think it's because this is a rock's experience, a la >>Miller Minus, but I do think it's because the meteor's personality is entirely subservient to fulfilling this one narrow role. No deviations, no complications, no relationships (the brief bit about the mother doesn't count; it's barely explored and it's used mainly as an exposition vehicle), not even anything particularly penetrating or self-conscious. So you live or die on the concept, author, and I predict that'll make the fic a bit more controversial as a result.
I don't know if I'm explaining myself very well, but great an experience as this is, it's also clearly something you don't come back to more than once. If you see what I'm saying...?
Anyway, I think this'll place high based on the concepts and writing. Only this is a limited set-up by design, so I'd be hard-pressed to call it a favourite, per se. It's definitely one I admire, though.
I don't know if it was intentional (I suspect not), but the prose seems a little breathless and redundant. What I mean is that the fic's more than happy to restate or emphasize points (such as the ABSOLUTE CRUCIALNESS of granting that wish), and I could see some people get exasperated by that. For me, it works fine. It hints at a slight panic in the narrator's voice, as if it's trying to remind itself over and over of just how important this is, which fits the details of the tense story like a glove.
There's also a nice touch with the commentary on human wishes, though it feels a little odd at times. For example, the first bit about there being no other wish-making creatures within millions of miles emphasizes, indirectly perhaps, how unique our species is to the meteor. But then there's the bit about how meteors have nothing but "endless, formless blackness" without human wishes. I guess this is to show how bleak life is in space, but it comes across as trying to justify a depressing state of existence, and doing that - rather than describing this tragically sad existence as simply a matter of fact - in turn comes across as a little awkward and jarring. I mean, if your best purpose in life involves suicide-godmothering, just do it and get it over with. Don't imply you're actually thankful for this pathetic state of affairs. It's like a weird form of Stockholm Syndrome. I think you could remove this detail, or repurpose it as a "but what choice do we have?" point about desperation.
On the other hand, I really like the indecisiveness of the meteor when faced with the sheer multitude of human thoughts. It adds stress to the character - good for drama - but also makes sense within the world built up here. Why wouldn't it tap into millions of human minds coming into range, after all? Plus, it avoids the problem of picking a wish and immediately making the experience narrow down; we're talking about a sentient meteor here, so we should focus on a general overview of the world of our protagonist.
Lastly, I quite liked the way the meteor's atmospheric entry was described. Good development of the scene and the emotional intensity there. No complaints!
My biggest complaint, really, is an inevitable consequence of this set-up; because the star's so monomaniacally, even desperately, focused on the mechanics of fulfilling this one depressing purpose against the odds, the fic feels... if I'm being nice, "streamlined", but if I'm being critical, "thin". It's a good fit for the minific format because the concept is inherently not designed for a larger number of words, but it also makes it feel very... isolated as an experience. I mean, it's xenofiction; of course I don't know what it's like to be a meteor hitting the exosphere. I don't think it's because this is a rock's experience, a la >>Miller Minus, but I do think it's because the meteor's personality is entirely subservient to fulfilling this one narrow role. No deviations, no complications, no relationships (the brief bit about the mother doesn't count; it's barely explored and it's used mainly as an exposition vehicle), not even anything particularly penetrating or self-conscious. So you live or die on the concept, author, and I predict that'll make the fic a bit more controversial as a result.
I don't know if I'm explaining myself very well, but great an experience as this is, it's also clearly something you don't come back to more than once. If you see what I'm saying...?
Anyway, I think this'll place high based on the concepts and writing. Only this is a limited set-up by design, so I'd be hard-pressed to call it a favourite, per se. It's definitely one I admire, though.
The wolf is the reincarnated husband, right? I think I got the twist. The problem is that the story is so coy about revealing it explicitly that I still doubt that interpretation; it could just be a comforting spirit, for all I know. Maybe a sign or a small clue would have helped the twist feel more concrete and satisfying?
There are a few technical hiccups, which don't help the reading experience much. For instance, "couldn't not" sticks out like a sore thumb, and "canid beast" reads a little awkwardly. "Canine beast" or "canid" would flow much more smoothly, though "wolf" or even "dog" would probably be most straightforward; as it is, jamming two nouns together comes across as clunky, as if you couldn't decide which you liked more. Lastly, I swear some sentences need commas to break them up, because they seem a little too long as-is.
More to the point, there are some intriguing ambivalences in the widow's reaction to the howl, but they seem to be managed a little clumsily. The good stuff first: the most obvious contrast is between the temptation of the howl and the wife's fear of it; that's a good way to build intrigue. Is it dangerous or is it safe? That makes the reader want to find out by reading more! So well done for setting up the conflict so elegantly. And then later the widow actually explores the terrain after the howl vanishes; I liked how she wondered why the howl stopped because, it being so enigmatic, I'd be curious too. I was right there alongside her, curious to see what would happen next. It also ties the husband's death neatly into the ending, bringing us full circle. It's like a folk tale. (Obviously, I'm assuming the husband is the wolf here).
Now for the bad stuff: I think more could have been done to keep that ambivalence going. At the start, the widow is frightened of bad things happening if she lets the howl draw her out. But when the howl disappears, there's no sign in the story that she ever feared it. She seems curious, yes, but there should be something about how she resists going out still because she's still afraid, only for curiosity to get the better of her (or perhaps she's more frightened of the loss of sound). I think more inner conflict needs adding here, because the current fic feels too straightforward in getting her to investigate, too conflict-free. One thing a story should do is capitalize on the conflict it sets up, for as long as it can.
The other thing that bothers me is why, if the wolf's identity is so innocuous, it creeped her out earlier. I know it's sort of obligatory for a supernatural thing (such as a spirit) to not have straightforward communication between themselves and mortals, and it's probably against the mysterious tone of the fic to spell things out. Still, I feel a little explanation would have helped me emotionally connect with the fic more, since even a reader's emotions need to understand what's going on before they can emote. Showing is all very well, but compelling imagery can be vague and ambiguous to a fault.
Lastly, I think the story leaves things unexplained deliberately, which is fair enough for an eerie, supernatural-like story like this. But I would have liked some earlier indication that this was indeed a supernatural story. Perhaps to reinforce the unnerving atmosphere, you could have the widow speculate on what it is rather than just be generically uncertain of it. Delve into the possibilities: Could it be a demon wolf coming into her part of the world? Could it be a ghost? Or a local legend? If you're gunning for mystical mystery, add flavour early on. It also guides the reader into realizing what genre they're operating in.
I know I'm being harsh on this one, and a lot of this is likely down to my own tastes and quirks than anything inherent in the fic. I'm trying to pin down why I feel this is an interesting if overall unremarkable fic, though, namely for your benefit. It's not terrible, and it's at least easy to see what you're aiming for (and to approve of it). I think a bit of clarity would make it stronger, though, and the presentation is mainly what it lacks, not the concept.
There are a few technical hiccups, which don't help the reading experience much. For instance, "couldn't not" sticks out like a sore thumb, and "canid beast" reads a little awkwardly. "Canine beast" or "canid" would flow much more smoothly, though "wolf" or even "dog" would probably be most straightforward; as it is, jamming two nouns together comes across as clunky, as if you couldn't decide which you liked more. Lastly, I swear some sentences need commas to break them up, because they seem a little too long as-is.
More to the point, there are some intriguing ambivalences in the widow's reaction to the howl, but they seem to be managed a little clumsily. The good stuff first: the most obvious contrast is between the temptation of the howl and the wife's fear of it; that's a good way to build intrigue. Is it dangerous or is it safe? That makes the reader want to find out by reading more! So well done for setting up the conflict so elegantly. And then later the widow actually explores the terrain after the howl vanishes; I liked how she wondered why the howl stopped because, it being so enigmatic, I'd be curious too. I was right there alongside her, curious to see what would happen next. It also ties the husband's death neatly into the ending, bringing us full circle. It's like a folk tale. (Obviously, I'm assuming the husband is the wolf here).
Now for the bad stuff: I think more could have been done to keep that ambivalence going. At the start, the widow is frightened of bad things happening if she lets the howl draw her out. But when the howl disappears, there's no sign in the story that she ever feared it. She seems curious, yes, but there should be something about how she resists going out still because she's still afraid, only for curiosity to get the better of her (or perhaps she's more frightened of the loss of sound). I think more inner conflict needs adding here, because the current fic feels too straightforward in getting her to investigate, too conflict-free. One thing a story should do is capitalize on the conflict it sets up, for as long as it can.
The other thing that bothers me is why, if the wolf's identity is so innocuous, it creeped her out earlier. I know it's sort of obligatory for a supernatural thing (such as a spirit) to not have straightforward communication between themselves and mortals, and it's probably against the mysterious tone of the fic to spell things out. Still, I feel a little explanation would have helped me emotionally connect with the fic more, since even a reader's emotions need to understand what's going on before they can emote. Showing is all very well, but compelling imagery can be vague and ambiguous to a fault.
Lastly, I think the story leaves things unexplained deliberately, which is fair enough for an eerie, supernatural-like story like this. But I would have liked some earlier indication that this was indeed a supernatural story. Perhaps to reinforce the unnerving atmosphere, you could have the widow speculate on what it is rather than just be generically uncertain of it. Delve into the possibilities: Could it be a demon wolf coming into her part of the world? Could it be a ghost? Or a local legend? If you're gunning for mystical mystery, add flavour early on. It also guides the reader into realizing what genre they're operating in.
I know I'm being harsh on this one, and a lot of this is likely down to my own tastes and quirks than anything inherent in the fic. I'm trying to pin down why I feel this is an interesting if overall unremarkable fic, though, namely for your benefit. It's not terrible, and it's at least easy to see what you're aiming for (and to approve of it). I think a bit of clarity would make it stronger, though, and the presentation is mainly what it lacks, not the concept.
OK, that's enough for now. I'll come back later (maybe), if only to do a couple more.
>>Miller Minus
I would concur with Miller here. The concept of a sapient meteor seems a bit weird to me. I have no really qualms about thinking forms of life, even simple cells, but inanimate objects speaking is a bit of a stretch to me.
It’s also difficult to figure out how those meteorites are born and pushed into the right orbit.
But anyway. My greatest gripe here is that the piece looks more like an idea than a true story. It’s like “eh, look, a thinking meteorite, this is clever”. But, except for the genuine and apropos remark about how human wishes counteract one another, there’s not really anything else here.
It’s a sweet little tale, and it definitely deserves finishing on the upper half of my slate. And I think I’ll make it to the finals easy peasy.
I would concur with Miller here. The concept of a sapient meteor seems a bit weird to me. I have no really qualms about thinking forms of life, even simple cells, but inanimate objects speaking is a bit of a stretch to me.
It’s also difficult to figure out how those meteorites are born and pushed into the right orbit.
But anyway. My greatest gripe here is that the piece looks more like an idea than a true story. It’s like “eh, look, a thinking meteorite, this is clever”. But, except for the genuine and apropos remark about how human wishes counteract one another, there’s not really anything else here.
It’s a sweet little tale, and it definitely deserves finishing on the upper half of my slate. And I think I’ll make it to the finals easy peasy.
To me, this fic evoked slapstick humor. Such as a scene torn from Who Framed Roger Rabbit (or maybe it could fit in Moral Orel, if you replace love by faith?). I agree with Aragón: it’s not gory, it’s just gross, exaggerated and overacted enough that we can safely exculpate the author from any charge of unseemliness.
Now, if it is the best way to convey the message, especially in front of an audience like this, remains to be seen. I'd say, as a French guy used to French humor and literature, this is perfectly acceptable: Sade used very explicit sex scenes to convey his philosophy. YMMV.
The one thing you succeeded in, author, is to write a very divisive piece. Which is a good thing, in the sense that it proves that people over here ain’t stereotypes. Technically, there’s hardly anything to nitpick on here. Writing and pacing are good.
Verdict: I don’t know what to do with that story. I can’t say I disliked it. On the other hand, I can’t shake off the feeling that it was also written to be purposefully shocking, and that shock value doesn’t add anything to the message you want to deliver. I think I’ll abstain
Now, if it is the best way to convey the message, especially in front of an audience like this, remains to be seen. I'd say, as a French guy used to French humor and literature, this is perfectly acceptable: Sade used very explicit sex scenes to convey his philosophy. YMMV.
The one thing you succeeded in, author, is to write a very divisive piece. Which is a good thing, in the sense that it proves that people over here ain’t stereotypes. Technically, there’s hardly anything to nitpick on here. Writing and pacing are good.
Verdict: I don’t know what to do with that story. I can’t say I disliked it. On the other hand, I can’t shake off the feeling that it was also written to be purposefully shocking, and that shock value doesn’t add anything to the message you want to deliver. I think I’ll abstain
What an odd story to inspire such contentious debate. I can honestly say I didn't expect it.
I'm in the middle of the road on this story. I think it's an ambitious work that's probably better suited towards a long form narrative (I see you maxed out your word count and probably had to cut some content) so the audience has more time and space to develop empathy for the kids' situation and for the author to add more a unique spin to the story-telling.
I had a conversation with Monokeras the other night, where I tried to impart onto him what I feel most people are bouncing off of in this entry in the form of a quote commonly attributed to Joseph Stalin:
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
The same concept applies to story-telling. One must be able to set their story apart, to create some sort of identity that makes it distinguishable from other stories of a similar nature. Many stories do this in the premise or idea, but when your story is based on a realistic depiction of a real world issue, it can easily be skimmed over like commercials about starving African children without some additional characteristics that set itself apart from every other story in a similar genre.
The problem is this story is bog standard. It's a competent depiction of a bog standard scenario delivered in a completely straightforward way, and doesn’t include twists or turns to ensnare a disinterested reader. There's some interesting framing work via implication to create the sense of a complete narrative and a lived-in reality, but this does not change the fact that the story itself can't create enough of an identity for itself outside of it being "the story in which the kid's dad beat him" and in fact, many of its appreciable aspects have been supplanted by that label (which I find to be a poor summary of the story as its intended to be read, but I’ll get to that later).
The ambition to tell this story and try to get a reader to identify and empathize with a character suffering from a highly specific, highly emotional problem while not coming across as intentionally trying to elicit sympathy in 750 words is substantial, and it's a mistake that I personally also make frequently in this contest, which is why I find it strange >>Monokeras describes this strategy as a "fast track for the finals." It's not. Stories like these rarely ever do that well, even when they're written above standard. You’ll always have this divergence of opinion as how we’re seeing right now: it only works for some people. Moreover, this method will always fail with people more inclined to view stories principally as a form of entertainment.
Which is unfortunate, because there is a lot to like about this entry. But instead of giving the author compliments, I'm going to make my point by arguing with another commentor, in essence detracting from detractions. Because I'm a bad person.
The unlucky winner of my contention is the lovely >>Hap. Congratulations.
So for reference, I'm going to get a disclaimer right out the way. Anyone is free to feel however the want about a story and comment what they feel. If you have an opinion, and I disagree, I don't hate you, and I'm simply disagreeing as a matter of literary critique of the relative importance of that issue.
If I think there's an objective critique that doesn't hold water, for instance, stating that the character's lack characterization, that are clearly written into the story itself and has definite sign of authorial intent behind it, I'm going to question your read of the story. To make a metaphor, if a story is like a house, being constructed out of many different parts, it's one thing to say:
"Hey this roof looks like dogshit. I don't like this house. This builder didn't do a good job."
and another to say:
"This house has no roof. This builder doesn't know how to make a house."
So if the house actually does have a roof, I'm going to point it out, and question if you were really looking at the house.
Example: this is a subjective critique, one that I happen to mostly agree with, although I don't find it to be an egregious failing. The dialogue needed to be reined in a bit more, in my opinion, but the characters, in general, I feel are adequate, if a bit wanting and cheesy ("that's so jokes" line really threw me off), depictions of how children speak. It strains suspension of disbelief in some segments, particularly with Tyler who seems at times to be significantly older than Matt is supposed to be portrayed, but it’s not such a huge error in style that it breaks it.
To me, this is a really odd thing to say. It's pretty apparent to me that the author intended Matthew to be of a certain archetype: timid, anxious, a bit rebellious (in small, indirect ways), but generally uncertain of himself and has difficulty trusting others. He therefore hesitates to divulge certain information or tries to convey information he wants to divulge in a circuitous and indirect method.
Tyler is his foil, a really obvious one, because he’s basically the opposite of those traits: brash, bold, confident, and openly challenging authority and norms. Tyler is the person Matt wants to be.
Even their diction is clearly different. Matt speaks more formally with a lot of pauses, stutters, and ellipses, whereas Tyler speaks more informally (which manifests itself in saying man like twenty times) in abbreviated versions of words, obviously he swears, and he is most often exclaiming his dialogue confidently without pause or stutter.
Does he have an interesting personality? That's a value judgement. Does he have a personality as written? I believe so, and I believe the author intended him to have a certain affect, and if I've read the story correctly, it seems to me that the affect is communicated in an understandable manner.
Do I personally think that his personality reflects that of a child in a similar situation? Yes.
This is where I think you fundamentally misconstrued the work and the author's intent. Because that's not what the story is about. Now, I may be mistaken and the author may have just wanted to throw a pity party for the child and in that case he’s a terrible hack who doesn’t know what he’s doing, acting in bad faith.
I tend to have a bit more confidence that the author intended to actually do something with the story he wrote though, and to me, the story is ostensibly an uplifting story about an abused child learning to trust someone else, which is difficult because his dad hits him. The dad abuse is just a part of the premise for the conflict of the narrative, which is Matt's apprehension of Tyler as being similar to his dad, it is not the conflict itself.
I think the evidence that this was the author's intended read of his story is overwhelmingly substantial: their conversation spans the entire story, the conversation gradually builds Matt’s perspective to the point of muted confrontation: “do you want to get into a fight”, and resolves with Tyler’s assurance that resolves Matt’s apprehension. The story ends on Matt smiling, even though he’s probably gonna get his ass handed to him very soon.
So themes of small victories in the presence of a greater, unconquerable adversity, learning to trust people, overcoming trauma with other’s help yadda yadda yadda.
In that sense, I would argue that it's socially informative, it does certainly have a message, and it does give some pause to think.
This story is not on my slate, so I can’t help you author! I'm just commenting from the peanut gallery. Best of luck making it to the finals.
I swear I did not write this story. Everyone must think so by now, especially since it’s so similar to something I’d write, but I would never italicize spoken dialogue because that’s just fucking stupid.
I'm in the middle of the road on this story. I think it's an ambitious work that's probably better suited towards a long form narrative (I see you maxed out your word count and probably had to cut some content) so the audience has more time and space to develop empathy for the kids' situation and for the author to add more a unique spin to the story-telling.
I had a conversation with Monokeras the other night, where I tried to impart onto him what I feel most people are bouncing off of in this entry in the form of a quote commonly attributed to Joseph Stalin:
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
The same concept applies to story-telling. One must be able to set their story apart, to create some sort of identity that makes it distinguishable from other stories of a similar nature. Many stories do this in the premise or idea, but when your story is based on a realistic depiction of a real world issue, it can easily be skimmed over like commercials about starving African children without some additional characteristics that set itself apart from every other story in a similar genre.
The problem is this story is bog standard. It's a competent depiction of a bog standard scenario delivered in a completely straightforward way, and doesn’t include twists or turns to ensnare a disinterested reader. There's some interesting framing work via implication to create the sense of a complete narrative and a lived-in reality, but this does not change the fact that the story itself can't create enough of an identity for itself outside of it being "the story in which the kid's dad beat him" and in fact, many of its appreciable aspects have been supplanted by that label (which I find to be a poor summary of the story as its intended to be read, but I’ll get to that later).
The ambition to tell this story and try to get a reader to identify and empathize with a character suffering from a highly specific, highly emotional problem while not coming across as intentionally trying to elicit sympathy in 750 words is substantial, and it's a mistake that I personally also make frequently in this contest, which is why I find it strange >>Monokeras describes this strategy as a "fast track for the finals." It's not. Stories like these rarely ever do that well, even when they're written above standard. You’ll always have this divergence of opinion as how we’re seeing right now: it only works for some people. Moreover, this method will always fail with people more inclined to view stories principally as a form of entertainment.
Which is unfortunate, because there is a lot to like about this entry. But instead of giving the author compliments, I'm going to make my point by arguing with another commentor, in essence detracting from detractions. Because I'm a bad person.
The unlucky winner of my contention is the lovely >>Hap. Congratulations.
So for reference, I'm going to get a disclaimer right out the way. Anyone is free to feel however the want about a story and comment what they feel. If you have an opinion, and I disagree, I don't hate you, and I'm simply disagreeing as a matter of literary critique of the relative importance of that issue.
If I think there's an objective critique that doesn't hold water, for instance, stating that the character's lack characterization, that are clearly written into the story itself and has definite sign of authorial intent behind it, I'm going to question your read of the story. To make a metaphor, if a story is like a house, being constructed out of many different parts, it's one thing to say:
"Hey this roof looks like dogshit. I don't like this house. This builder didn't do a good job."
and another to say:
"This house has no roof. This builder doesn't know how to make a house."
So if the house actually does have a roof, I'm going to point it out, and question if you were really looking at the house.
I don't think it sounds like kids talking.
Example: this is a subjective critique, one that I happen to mostly agree with, although I don't find it to be an egregious failing. The dialogue needed to be reined in a bit more, in my opinion, but the characters, in general, I feel are adequate, if a bit wanting and cheesy ("that's so jokes" line really threw me off), depictions of how children speak. It strains suspension of disbelief in some segments, particularly with Tyler who seems at times to be significantly older than Matt is supposed to be portrayed, but it’s not such a huge error in style that it breaks it.
I don't think the two characters had distinct voices.
To me, this is a really odd thing to say. It's pretty apparent to me that the author intended Matthew to be of a certain archetype: timid, anxious, a bit rebellious (in small, indirect ways), but generally uncertain of himself and has difficulty trusting others. He therefore hesitates to divulge certain information or tries to convey information he wants to divulge in a circuitous and indirect method.
Tyler is his foil, a really obvious one, because he’s basically the opposite of those traits: brash, bold, confident, and openly challenging authority and norms. Tyler is the person Matt wants to be.
Even their diction is clearly different. Matt speaks more formally with a lot of pauses, stutters, and ellipses, whereas Tyler speaks more informally (which manifests itself in saying man like twenty times) in abbreviated versions of words, obviously he swears, and he is most often exclaiming his dialogue confidently without pause or stutter.
Except the kid has no personality so I don't really care.
Does he have an interesting personality? That's a value judgement. Does he have a personality as written? I believe so, and I believe the author intended him to have a certain affect, and if I've read the story correctly, it seems to me that the affect is communicated in an understandable manner.
Do I personally think that his personality reflects that of a child in a similar situation? Yes.
It was like, let's put a kid in a bad situation, then just really hammer home just exactly how bad the situation is!
It doesn't have a message, it doesn't make the reader think. It's just... yep, sucks for that kid.
This is where I think you fundamentally misconstrued the work and the author's intent. Because that's not what the story is about. Now, I may be mistaken and the author may have just wanted to throw a pity party for the child and in that case he’s a terrible hack who doesn’t know what he’s doing, acting in bad faith.
I tend to have a bit more confidence that the author intended to actually do something with the story he wrote though, and to me, the story is ostensibly an uplifting story about an abused child learning to trust someone else, which is difficult because his dad hits him. The dad abuse is just a part of the premise for the conflict of the narrative, which is Matt's apprehension of Tyler as being similar to his dad, it is not the conflict itself.
I think the evidence that this was the author's intended read of his story is overwhelmingly substantial: their conversation spans the entire story, the conversation gradually builds Matt’s perspective to the point of muted confrontation: “do you want to get into a fight”, and resolves with Tyler’s assurance that resolves Matt’s apprehension. The story ends on Matt smiling, even though he’s probably gonna get his ass handed to him very soon.
So themes of small victories in the presence of a greater, unconquerable adversity, learning to trust people, overcoming trauma with other’s help yadda yadda yadda.
In that sense, I would argue that it's socially informative, it does certainly have a message, and it does give some pause to think.
This story is not on my slate, so I can’t help you author! I'm just commenting from the peanut gallery. Best of luck making it to the finals.
I swear I did not write this story. Everyone must think so by now, especially since it’s so similar to something I’d write, but I would never italicize spoken dialogue because that’s just fucking stupid.
I agree with the above comment about the paragraph spacing. It's a bit distracting but nothing that detracts from the story.
The story itself is absurd in a completely fun way. The fact that a cosmic horror entity can get all attached to humanity like a little house pet is cute.
You needed a few more tentacle jokes to send this one home.
But it's fun, and not a bad read.
The story itself is absurd in a completely fun way. The fact that a cosmic horror entity can get all attached to humanity like a little house pet is cute.
You needed a few more tentacle jokes to send this one home.
But it's fun, and not a bad read.
Alternate Title: Oh My God These Child Characters Are Actually Well-Written
What a cute story that also manages to be both non-wolf and self-contained. I'm known for being a negative nancy because I'm harsh whenever I don't like an entry, but give me just a goddamn second to gush about this one.
First of all, the characters. More specifically how Johnny is written and how his thoughts kind of intermingle with the prose. Johnny is a little kid, and little kids are kind of annoying, yeah? Yet I didn't find him annoying or even stilted; he seems to me like a kid with a little sister who wants to get away from her, because that's how siblings are when they're young.
Maybe it's because I'm the older sibling in my own family and I too have a little sister (although she is far from little at this point), but I can relate to just about everything here. That's a very hard thing to do in 750 words, and even harder to do when you're writing about a kid when the readers are at least in their late teens and can barely remember their childhoods anymore.
I like how the prose is childish, in that it partly emulates Johnny's thoughts and so feels like it could've been written by a child. A very bright child, though; one who has a better understanding of how families work than a lot of adult writers.
Another thing to note is that this entry could've easily spiraled into a horror story, something along supernatural lines, like Johnny having to save his sister from a ghost in the house, or if the bogeyman turned out to be real. It would've been so easy to do in fact that I probably would've done it myself if given both this prompt and this premise. Yet it stands its ground and remains a very down-to-earth story about a kid who learns to appreciate his own childhood.
What a grownup thing to do.
Also there's this line that I loved the first time around and still do:
Holy fuck, are you meaning to tell me Johnny's a child? You meaning to tell me he wants to grow up faster so that he can stay up later and watch all the TV he wants (including some R-rated stuff no doubt) and play video games for hours on end?
I feel like I know this kid, but then I think we all do. That's not even a bad thing, really, despite it being somewhat archetypal, because I feel like this kid could exist in the real world and not just a trashy PSA or Disney original movie.
I'm aware that I might be taking low-key jabs at Clumsy, but I just feel like one has a so much better grasp on how kids should be written. It's hard to not draw comparisons.
Easily in my top three, author. Good job.
What a cute story that also manages to be both non-wolf and self-contained. I'm known for being a negative nancy because I'm harsh whenever I don't like an entry, but give me just a goddamn second to gush about this one.
First of all, the characters. More specifically how Johnny is written and how his thoughts kind of intermingle with the prose. Johnny is a little kid, and little kids are kind of annoying, yeah? Yet I didn't find him annoying or even stilted; he seems to me like a kid with a little sister who wants to get away from her, because that's how siblings are when they're young.
Maybe it's because I'm the older sibling in my own family and I too have a little sister (although she is far from little at this point), but I can relate to just about everything here. That's a very hard thing to do in 750 words, and even harder to do when you're writing about a kid when the readers are at least in their late teens and can barely remember their childhoods anymore.
I like how the prose is childish, in that it partly emulates Johnny's thoughts and so feels like it could've been written by a child. A very bright child, though; one who has a better understanding of how families work than a lot of adult writers.
Another thing to note is that this entry could've easily spiraled into a horror story, something along supernatural lines, like Johnny having to save his sister from a ghost in the house, or if the bogeyman turned out to be real. It would've been so easy to do in fact that I probably would've done it myself if given both this prompt and this premise. Yet it stands its ground and remains a very down-to-earth story about a kid who learns to appreciate his own childhood.
What a grownup thing to do.
Also there's this line that I loved the first time around and still do:
Johnny was almost seven, which was very old, but not enough for his tastes. He wanted to stay up late and watch TV, and he wanted to play games for more than an hour a day.
Holy fuck, are you meaning to tell me Johnny's a child? You meaning to tell me he wants to grow up faster so that he can stay up later and watch all the TV he wants (including some R-rated stuff no doubt) and play video games for hours on end?
I feel like I know this kid, but then I think we all do. That's not even a bad thing, really, despite it being somewhat archetypal, because I feel like this kid could exist in the real world and not just a trashy PSA or Disney original movie.
I'm aware that I might be taking low-key jabs at Clumsy, but I just feel like one has a so much better grasp on how kids should be written. It's hard to not draw comparisons.
Easily in my top three, author. Good job.
So I counted the wolf stories
and I thought I'd share the ratio with you all, but I'm going to put the results in a sports reference that none of you will get except me because I'm also a self-indulgent jackass.
*Note: stories that only included metaphors, similes, and analogies alluding to wolves and other wolf-based terminology were not included in the count.
and I thought I'd share the ratio with you all, but I'm going to put the results in a sports reference that none of you will get except me because I'm also a self-indulgent jackass.
OptaMiller (@OptaMiller):
16 - Of the 35 entries submitted, 16 entries involved wolves either as a character or central plot element, for an overall wolf rate of return of 45.7%. Howlers.
*Note: stories that only included metaphors, similes, and analogies alluding to wolves and other wolf-based terminology were not included in the count.
Alternate Title: I Learned It By Watching You, Dad!
I've read Clumsy about four or five times now. Not because I liked it, but because comments from others have made me feel like I must've missed something. I would have only read this twice otherwise, once blind and once more for this review.
Unfortunately, and call me crazy for this, but I dislike this entry the more I think about it.
Let's get the obvious out of the way: this is a story about a kid who gets abused by his dad and wants to stand up for himself. We never see the abuse, or the dad, but the author winks really hard at the reader on occasion, just to make sure the reader gets it. Matt has a bruise on his elbow, but he says he's just clumsy. Hmm, I wonder where he really got it from.
I want to say something about Matt, the protagonist, who's probably supposed to be in elementary school or at most 5th grade but is left kind of ambiguous otherwise, that doesn't revolve around his situation, but we're not really given anything else.
I have to somewhat disagree with both >>Hap and >>Cassius on Matt's characterization. I think he does have something of a personality, but it's so weak and one-note that I don't really care for it. What does this kid even like? Is he into dinosaurs? Trains? Power Rangers? Anime? Does he play any video games, especially at night and with the volume turned low? I wonder if he grew up reading the Harry Potter books. I have no idea, because author doesn't give me anything here. Not even a brief description of what his bedroom looks like, or something Matt wants to do that isn't related to abuse.
All I know is that Matt gets beaten around by his dad, he has a mom (a lot of people have those), and he wants to be more assertive like his friend Tyler. To me he's a really weak protagonist, and not just in the sense that he's timid.
Then there's Tyler, and this is where I bring up the dialogue, since this entry is mostly dialogue-driven.
Let's be honest. The dialogue is pretty damn cheesy. And not in the cutesy way where you think, "Wow, this is a big ball of corn, but I find myself charmed anyway." This is some 90s PSA dialogue. Some of Tyler's lines in particular are actually groan-worthy. Is this kid supposed to be the same age as Matt? Because he talks like he's at least in 8th grade. I don't know or remember any 10-year-olds who talk like this; at the same time, I can't imagine Matt being Tyler's age either.
It's a really jarring gap in the story's logic that's been noted before, but I would hope a story that's almost entirely told through dialogue would have more polished characters who speak more believable lines.
On a final note, I did pick up on something, towards the beginning. Get a load of this:
And then:
This is just a contradiction. A howl is the opposite of quiet. Also not the most graceful shout-out to the prompt ever.
I wish I could understand the hype with this one, but I just don't. I'm sorry.
I've read Clumsy about four or five times now. Not because I liked it, but because comments from others have made me feel like I must've missed something. I would have only read this twice otherwise, once blind and once more for this review.
Unfortunately, and call me crazy for this, but I dislike this entry the more I think about it.
Let's get the obvious out of the way: this is a story about a kid who gets abused by his dad and wants to stand up for himself. We never see the abuse, or the dad, but the author winks really hard at the reader on occasion, just to make sure the reader gets it. Matt has a bruise on his elbow, but he says he's just clumsy. Hmm, I wonder where he really got it from.
I want to say something about Matt, the protagonist, who's probably supposed to be in elementary school or at most 5th grade but is left kind of ambiguous otherwise, that doesn't revolve around his situation, but we're not really given anything else.
I have to somewhat disagree with both >>Hap and >>Cassius on Matt's characterization. I think he does have something of a personality, but it's so weak and one-note that I don't really care for it. What does this kid even like? Is he into dinosaurs? Trains? Power Rangers? Anime? Does he play any video games, especially at night and with the volume turned low? I wonder if he grew up reading the Harry Potter books. I have no idea, because author doesn't give me anything here. Not even a brief description of what his bedroom looks like, or something Matt wants to do that isn't related to abuse.
All I know is that Matt gets beaten around by his dad, he has a mom (a lot of people have those), and he wants to be more assertive like his friend Tyler. To me he's a really weak protagonist, and not just in the sense that he's timid.
Then there's Tyler, and this is where I bring up the dialogue, since this entry is mostly dialogue-driven.
Let's be honest. The dialogue is pretty damn cheesy. And not in the cutesy way where you think, "Wow, this is a big ball of corn, but I find myself charmed anyway." This is some 90s PSA dialogue. Some of Tyler's lines in particular are actually groan-worthy. Is this kid supposed to be the same age as Matt? Because he talks like he's at least in 8th grade. I don't know or remember any 10-year-olds who talk like this; at the same time, I can't imagine Matt being Tyler's age either.
It's a really jarring gap in the story's logic that's been noted before, but I would hope a story that's almost entirely told through dialogue would have more polished characters who speak more believable lines.
On a final note, I did pick up on something, towards the beginning. Get a load of this:
Exactly like that. Quiet, so only he can hear.
And then:
Like a howl.
This is just a contradiction. A howl is the opposite of quiet. Also not the most graceful shout-out to the prompt ever.
I wish I could understand the hype with this one, but I just don't. I'm sorry.
>>Miller Minus
Where do the wolves of Better Devils sit in this classification? You could call them either metaphors or supernatural elements.
Where do the wolves of Better Devils sit in this classification? You could call them either metaphors or supernatural elements.
>>BlueChameleonVI
Excellent question, my friend, and it's nice to see a fellow wolf-tale-identifier among our ranks. We're so sparse these days. Do you attend the gatherings?
The simple answer is that these wolves are both metaphors and supernatural elements, and Better Devils has therefore been included in the tally. To be excluded from the count, the author would have had to include many more instances of the word "like" in the story, or have the narrator imply that the wolves are a figment of his imagination and that the reasoning behind their varying sizes is based on random shit that he's making up on the fly. Thankfully, this is not the case.
Hope this helps,
OptaMiller
Excellent question, my friend, and it's nice to see a fellow wolf-tale-identifier among our ranks. We're so sparse these days. Do you attend the gatherings?
The simple answer is that these wolves are both metaphors and supernatural elements, and Better Devils has therefore been included in the tally. To be excluded from the count, the author would have had to include many more instances of the word "like" in the story, or have the narrator imply that the wolves are a figment of his imagination and that the reasoning behind their varying sizes is based on random shit that he's making up on the fly. Thankfully, this is not the case.
Hope this helps,
OptaMiller
>>Miller Minus
It does. All right, so let's see if I can guess them:
1. (5) Young-Bloodied
2. (6) Journey to the Waru Wolf of Arukadiland
3. (9) Better Devils
4. (12) Ember
5. (15) Alpha Version
6. (17) The Glimmer in the Silence
7. (20) Night Hunting
8. (22) Howls for Hire
9. (26) Xavier's Secret
10. (29) The Call of the Wild
11. (30) An Estate
12. (32) Meat
13. (33) Over the River and Through the Woods
14. (34) Semi-Metallic Wolf
15. (35) Fool Moon
Ah. I've missed one. But if there are 16, I don't know where that last one is.
It does. All right, so let's see if I can guess them:
1. (5) Young-Bloodied
2. (6) Journey to the Waru Wolf of Arukadiland
3. (9) Better Devils
4. (12) Ember
5. (15) Alpha Version
6. (17) The Glimmer in the Silence
7. (20) Night Hunting
8. (22) Howls for Hire
9. (26) Xavier's Secret
10. (29) The Call of the Wild
11. (30) An Estate
12. (32) Meat
13. (33) Over the River and Through the Woods
14. (34) Semi-Metallic Wolf
15. (35) Fool Moon
Ah. I've missed one. But if there are 16, I don't know where that last one is.
>>BlueChameleonVI
The argument could be made that The Light in the Dark does not pass the wolf-litmus-test, but I added it on similar grounds to Better Devils, due to the supernatural beast encountered by the heroes. Even though we do not see the beast, it does howl, and as it is the major driving force of the story, I gave it a seat at the table.
The argument could be made that The Light in the Dark does not pass the wolf-litmus-test, but I added it on similar grounds to Better Devils, due to the supernatural beast encountered by the heroes. Even though we do not see the beast, it does howl, and as it is the major driving force of the story, I gave it a seat at the table.
>>No_Raisin
The first line is in his imagination, the other is reality.
This is just a contradiction. A howl is the opposite of quiet.
The first line is in his imagination, the other is reality.
Alternate Title: The Little Comet That Could
You might've noticed that I've been going out of order with my reviews, and that's because at this rate I probably won't be able to get them all done before prelims end.
I especially want to comment on entries that I feel I can say something about, and The Shooting Star is one of them.
Not gonna lie, this is some pretty weird shit. It's xenofiction as >>BlueChameleonVI said, but the alien in this case happens to be a sentient meteorite? But how? There is a lot of fridge logic at work here (How does it think if it doesn't have a brain? Why English? Do Meteors reproduce asexually?), and then it has fucking telepathic powers. None of this should make any sense; if anything it's a concept that requires some pretty big breaks from reality.
And yet... it makes sense, within the story's own logic anyway. In what seems like both an achievement and an inherent flaw in the narrative, the meteor's perspective, background, and motivation are just about fully realized. Apparently a meteor in this story's world is like an existential space genie. A lot of space, a lot of wish-granting, and a lot of existential angst. The meteor (who has a somewhat defined personality despite being both nameless and sexless) has a really simple goal, wanting to help humans and all that, even if it's because it's like the only thing it has going on in life.
Unfortunately, the meteor is such a single-minded protagonist as to border on being solipsistic. That would be a big flaw in most short stories, because you usually want a protagonist who's rounded and relatable, but it's more like a reservation here, if anything. Probably because the meteor's narrow personality aligns with what we know about it; there's not much else that can be done with it, or at least I think that's the case. It's a dilemma that both >>Miller Minus and I ran into.
It's a great and unique premise and a nicely self-contained story, but something's missing...
It might be that the passages with the humans are so short, which was what struck me as I was re-reading. Only a few sentences? After all we'd been through, the climax is pretty damn brief.
The ending hits pretty good, though. It's somewhat telegraphed, like the author was afraid it would seem to come out of nowhere if he/she didn't give the reader hints, but it ends on a sudden note that only gets more depressing as I think about it.
It's a shame this entry got no on-site attention for a long-ass time, but it looks like we're picking up the slack.
You might've noticed that I've been going out of order with my reviews, and that's because at this rate I probably won't be able to get them all done before prelims end.
I especially want to comment on entries that I feel I can say something about, and The Shooting Star is one of them.
Not gonna lie, this is some pretty weird shit. It's xenofiction as >>BlueChameleonVI said, but the alien in this case happens to be a sentient meteorite? But how? There is a lot of fridge logic at work here (How does it think if it doesn't have a brain? Why English? Do Meteors reproduce asexually?), and then it has fucking telepathic powers. None of this should make any sense; if anything it's a concept that requires some pretty big breaks from reality.
And yet... it makes sense, within the story's own logic anyway. In what seems like both an achievement and an inherent flaw in the narrative, the meteor's perspective, background, and motivation are just about fully realized. Apparently a meteor in this story's world is like an existential space genie. A lot of space, a lot of wish-granting, and a lot of existential angst. The meteor (who has a somewhat defined personality despite being both nameless and sexless) has a really simple goal, wanting to help humans and all that, even if it's because it's like the only thing it has going on in life.
Unfortunately, the meteor is such a single-minded protagonist as to border on being solipsistic. That would be a big flaw in most short stories, because you usually want a protagonist who's rounded and relatable, but it's more like a reservation here, if anything. Probably because the meteor's narrow personality aligns with what we know about it; there's not much else that can be done with it, or at least I think that's the case. It's a dilemma that both >>Miller Minus and I ran into.
It's a great and unique premise and a nicely self-contained story, but something's missing...
It might be that the passages with the humans are so short, which was what struck me as I was re-reading. Only a few sentences? After all we'd been through, the climax is pretty damn brief.
The ending hits pretty good, though. It's somewhat telegraphed, like the author was afraid it would seem to come out of nowhere if he/she didn't give the reader hints, but it ends on a sudden note that only gets more depressing as I think about it.
It's a shame this entry got no on-site attention for a long-ass time, but it looks like we're picking up the slack.
I have a theory! And a review, but theory first! Because I think the reaction to this story has been interesting, and I want to see if I can beat Cassius' wordcount (Edit: Eh, almost).
I've been tracking this a little bit on the discord (psst, author, if you aren't on that, I recommend signing on, going to the fic channel and searching "clumsy" if you want to see some more debate for your story), but I believe it was >>Cassius that suggested to >>No_Raisin that the latter simply doesn't like "litfic". It was pretty early on in the (intermittent) debate proceedings, if I remember right.
Now, I'm hopeless with genres—'litfic' being the one that eludes me most of all—and as I recall, Raisin was none too pleased with the accusation anyhow. So let's just replace "litfic" with "this type of story" for argument's sake.
My theory is that, once we make that replacement, Cassius has settled the argument. No Raisin, and let's group in Hap and anyone else who agrees with their comments in there as well, are simply not into this type of story. And that's okay.
But what is "this type of story"? Let's just define it, for our sakes, as the topic that it's addressing: It's a child abuse story. That is your main, sole focus, and nobody can argue against that. But there are two big hurdles that come with having this topic front and center:
A) It's emotionally weighted, and
B) it's been done a lot before.
Let me be clear: It's the Author's job to convince the readers that clearing these hurdles is worth their time. And not every reader can be convinced to do this. I hope you accepted that before you submitted, or have done so since the competition started.
Now let's sidestep and look at three of, what I think, are the main criticisms that Raisin and Hap had:
1) The characters are not distinct, and/or uninteresting,
2) other parts of the timeline would have been more interesting to see, and
3) the theme/message/moral of the story is one note, drilled in way too hard, and is only meant to make you feel sad.
On Discord, and in the comments above, Cassius and >>Aragon have questioned the validity of these three points, one way or another. They seem to be reading a different story altogether!
But why?
In my opinion, it's those pesky hurdles, A) and B). It's the emotional weight of the story, and the lack of uniqueness to the idea. I think with a story like this, these two things, either singly or in combination, will cause some readers—but not all—to bounce off of it really fucking hard. These readers will feel either that the story is meant to emotionally manipulate them (in an inorganic way), and/or, they're just tired of seeing it (and may even deem it as "finals bait," as >>Monokeras proposed, thus leading them to wonder if the author chose the topic simply for a slate boost that may or may not exist).
And if a given reader feels this way, they just aren't going to like it, especially when the story is as up front as this one is about what the topic of the day is going to be. So when the reader sees what's going on, the shields go up, and the rest of the story—Apologies in advance to Raisin and Hap for accusing them of this, but I think it's true—becomes an exercise in finding things that they don't like.
Look at points 1 and 2, for instance. The characters bore me, and I'd rather be reading something else. A) explains both of these criticisms, because they really boil down to the reader not being invested in the story. Of course they don't care for the characters and the scene—they don't care for being manipulated (whether or not they are notwithstanding).
And number 3 is explained by B). The reader is so sick of hearing this topic, or think it's being done for the sake of performing well in the contest, and so will accuse the story (and the author) of not putting any more thought into it than, "I can't wait to make the reader feel sad on my command and then win gold."
I want to point out, I'm not accusing you of any manipulation here. I'm saying, for this topic, there will be people expecting it. And let's be honest, it's a fair expectation.
I came up with this theory because of two reasons: One, like I said, it's terribly polarizing, and there are those that seem to find complaints 1 through 3 perplexing, which is why I think we're being divided into two camps. Camp Into It and Camp Not Into It. (Okay, it's not so black and white, but that's the basic idea I'm going for). The second reason I came up with this brings me to my review.
I'm in that second camp. Hey Raisin, Hap, save me a bunk will you?
I mean, I do want to +1 most of the positives and negatives above from everyone, and that includes Raisin's and Hap's. Because target and non-target audiences are both helpful to hear from. But to add to it, I bounced off mostly because of the style. I'm not a fan of third-person when it is done so dialogue-heavy, so trimmed down and so fast. The quickfire narration that stays in the background is kind of nice, and it does make sense considering the story takes place in pitch black, but it's clearly done to help you with the wordcount, isn't it, Author? Be honest.
Oh, and before I go I think there's one other concern I can elaborate on. I saw some confusion about the ages of these two kids, and how one sounds much older than the other. I don't think it's hard to believe they're the same age despite the differences in speech, because a child experiencing abuse is likely to develop less well than one who hasn't, and that can show in a lot of ways, especially in how they speak. I think this is a neat touch (if you intended it), but you could do with more attention drawn to their ages. Even mentioning that they're the same age and leaving it at that might lead more people to this conclusion, instead of making them think you forgot to consider their ages.
Let me check... Yes, you're still top 10 for me, because I do think what you wanted to say got said, but at the end of the day there were other entries with more unique ideas and more entertaining subjects.
But don't forget those positives. There's plenty done right here, and I appreciate the ambition,and remember I said that because if you create an alt account to attack me after I said I liked it so help me god.
Best of luck to you in the contest!
I've been tracking this a little bit on the discord (psst, author, if you aren't on that, I recommend signing on, going to the fic channel and searching "clumsy" if you want to see some more debate for your story), but I believe it was >>Cassius that suggested to >>No_Raisin that the latter simply doesn't like "litfic". It was pretty early on in the (intermittent) debate proceedings, if I remember right.
Now, I'm hopeless with genres—'litfic' being the one that eludes me most of all—and as I recall, Raisin was none too pleased with the accusation anyhow. So let's just replace "litfic" with "this type of story" for argument's sake.
My theory is that, once we make that replacement, Cassius has settled the argument. No Raisin, and let's group in Hap and anyone else who agrees with their comments in there as well, are simply not into this type of story. And that's okay.
But what is "this type of story"? Let's just define it, for our sakes, as the topic that it's addressing: It's a child abuse story. That is your main, sole focus, and nobody can argue against that. But there are two big hurdles that come with having this topic front and center:
A) It's emotionally weighted, and
B) it's been done a lot before.
Let me be clear: It's the Author's job to convince the readers that clearing these hurdles is worth their time. And not every reader can be convinced to do this. I hope you accepted that before you submitted, or have done so since the competition started.
Now let's sidestep and look at three of, what I think, are the main criticisms that Raisin and Hap had:
1) The characters are not distinct, and/or uninteresting,
2) other parts of the timeline would have been more interesting to see, and
3) the theme/message/moral of the story is one note, drilled in way too hard, and is only meant to make you feel sad.
On Discord, and in the comments above, Cassius and >>Aragon have questioned the validity of these three points, one way or another. They seem to be reading a different story altogether!
But why?
In my opinion, it's those pesky hurdles, A) and B). It's the emotional weight of the story, and the lack of uniqueness to the idea. I think with a story like this, these two things, either singly or in combination, will cause some readers—but not all—to bounce off of it really fucking hard. These readers will feel either that the story is meant to emotionally manipulate them (in an inorganic way), and/or, they're just tired of seeing it (and may even deem it as "finals bait," as >>Monokeras proposed, thus leading them to wonder if the author chose the topic simply for a slate boost that may or may not exist).
And if a given reader feels this way, they just aren't going to like it, especially when the story is as up front as this one is about what the topic of the day is going to be. So when the reader sees what's going on, the shields go up, and the rest of the story—Apologies in advance to Raisin and Hap for accusing them of this, but I think it's true—becomes an exercise in finding things that they don't like.
Look at points 1 and 2, for instance. The characters bore me, and I'd rather be reading something else. A) explains both of these criticisms, because they really boil down to the reader not being invested in the story. Of course they don't care for the characters and the scene—they don't care for being manipulated (whether or not they are notwithstanding).
And number 3 is explained by B). The reader is so sick of hearing this topic, or think it's being done for the sake of performing well in the contest, and so will accuse the story (and the author) of not putting any more thought into it than, "I can't wait to make the reader feel sad on my command and then win gold."
I want to point out, I'm not accusing you of any manipulation here. I'm saying, for this topic, there will be people expecting it. And let's be honest, it's a fair expectation.
I came up with this theory because of two reasons: One, like I said, it's terribly polarizing, and there are those that seem to find complaints 1 through 3 perplexing, which is why I think we're being divided into two camps. Camp Into It and Camp Not Into It. (Okay, it's not so black and white, but that's the basic idea I'm going for). The second reason I came up with this brings me to my review.
I'm in that second camp. Hey Raisin, Hap, save me a bunk will you?
I mean, I do want to +1 most of the positives and negatives above from everyone, and that includes Raisin's and Hap's. Because target and non-target audiences are both helpful to hear from. But to add to it, I bounced off mostly because of the style. I'm not a fan of third-person when it is done so dialogue-heavy, so trimmed down and so fast. The quickfire narration that stays in the background is kind of nice, and it does make sense considering the story takes place in pitch black, but it's clearly done to help you with the wordcount, isn't it, Author? Be honest.
Oh, and before I go I think there's one other concern I can elaborate on. I saw some confusion about the ages of these two kids, and how one sounds much older than the other. I don't think it's hard to believe they're the same age despite the differences in speech, because a child experiencing abuse is likely to develop less well than one who hasn't, and that can show in a lot of ways, especially in how they speak. I think this is a neat touch (if you intended it), but you could do with more attention drawn to their ages. Even mentioning that they're the same age and leaving it at that might lead more people to this conclusion, instead of making them think you forgot to consider their ages.
Let me check... Yes, you're still top 10 for me, because I do think what you wanted to say got said, but at the end of the day there were other entries with more unique ideas and more entertaining subjects.
But don't forget those positives. There's plenty done right here, and I appreciate the ambition,
Best of luck to you in the contest!
>>Cassius
Yay, I win something!
You're welcome to disagree with me. I have many friends whose opinions I do not share. One flavor makes a poor dish, and all.
But this story was exactly one flavor.
I still don't think the two characters had different voices. I actually thought, my first time reading the story, that the other kid was an imaginary friend. There's a bit of different diction, as you say, but there's no personality in either voice. Just a sad kid, possibly pretending that he has a friend who listens to him.
And I don't think that "sad" is a personality. That's really the only note we have, here.
eeeeeeeh
I dunno. It seems like he already trusted the other kid. Did he want to actually fight Ty? I don't know. Matt had no reaction to Ty's rejection of his proposal. The smile you mentioned wasn't until the very end, when Ty agreed to talk to him again later. Maybe he wanted to get out some aggression, and he's sad (lol because that's all he ever is) that his friend won't help.
Small victories? Like hiding the soap so his dad can't hit him with a bar of soap in a sock? Like hiding the belts so he can't get a whooping? If I learned anything from my grandmother it's that there's always more switches to be cut in the front yard, and willow switches hurt more than belts do. Heaven forbid she doesn't feel like walking all the way to the willow and decides to stop at the forsythia bush.
No, there were no victories in this story. Matt didn't feel any victories. The only time he smiled is when his friend wanted to talk again tomorrow. There was no overcoming trauma, no learning to trust.
Just a blatant attempt at emotional blackmail.
>>No_Raisin
Nope. I took the lines
to mean that his mom was absent. Matt lives in a single parent home.
Which is just another pulse in the throbbing misery boner that is this story.
Yay, I win something!
You're welcome to disagree with me. I have many friends whose opinions I do not share. One flavor makes a poor dish, and all.
But this story was exactly one flavor.
I still don't think the two characters had different voices. I actually thought, my first time reading the story, that the other kid was an imaginary friend. There's a bit of different diction, as you say, but there's no personality in either voice. Just a sad kid, possibly pretending that he has a friend who listens to him.
And I don't think that "sad" is a personality. That's really the only note we have, here.
This is where I think you fundamentally misconstrued the work and the author's intent.
...
the story is ostensibly an uplifting story about an abused child learning to trust someone else,
...
themes of small victories in the presence of a greater, unconquerable adversity, learning to trust people, overcoming trauma with other’s help
eeeeeeeh
I dunno. It seems like he already trusted the other kid. Did he want to actually fight Ty? I don't know. Matt had no reaction to Ty's rejection of his proposal. The smile you mentioned wasn't until the very end, when Ty agreed to talk to him again later. Maybe he wanted to get out some aggression, and he's sad (lol because that's all he ever is) that his friend won't help.
Small victories? Like hiding the soap so his dad can't hit him with a bar of soap in a sock? Like hiding the belts so he can't get a whooping? If I learned anything from my grandmother it's that there's always more switches to be cut in the front yard, and willow switches hurt more than belts do. Heaven forbid she doesn't feel like walking all the way to the willow and decides to stop at the forsythia bush.
No, there were no victories in this story. Matt didn't feel any victories. The only time he smiled is when his friend wanted to talk again tomorrow. There was no overcoming trauma, no learning to trust.
Just a blatant attempt at emotional blackmail.
>>No_Raisin
he has a mom (a lot of people have those),
Nope. I took the lines
Oh, man! I wonder what your mom thinks!
"Yeah."
Matthew wonders the same thing, sometimes.
to mean that his mom was absent. Matt lives in a single parent home.
Which is just another pulse in the throbbing misery boner that is this story.
I believe the prompt connection here, besides the extremely obvious literal use of "howl" and "darkness", is that it's metaphorical. A powerless character trying to reclaim some dignity, while also crying out for help. Kinda like the "Musings From a Lonely Boy" but more reserved (and that one's probably primarily inspired by the Ginsberg reference?). These are similar in tone, though I haven't read everything else. I think these stories have an interesting prompt usage and deserve some more credit for that.
Viewing it through that lens, I'm assuming that character and plot aren't the author's intent here. I think they sufficient enough for the story, but it's not what's actually bothering people. A story like this depends on its themes and messages, and currently that area is.... almost interesting. Like I think I can see what the author wants to say, i.e. see above how I think it's connected to its prompt. but that's too darn subtle right now! It needs to be more clearly expressed.
My mind-reading helmet is at the cleaners, so instead my advice is gonna sound rather cynical: if you want litfic to win, you gotta hammer in your theme. Maybe half the readers enjoy hunting for subtlety in character pieces, but the other half will find it boring. You need the latter to not hate your fic, at least. Give them something so they don't feel left out.
(Whether this actually produces better "literature", I don't know for sure, but I don't care either)
Viewing it through that lens, I'm assuming that character and plot aren't the author's intent here. I think they sufficient enough for the story, but it's not what's actually bothering people. A story like this depends on its themes and messages, and currently that area is.... almost interesting. Like I think I can see what the author wants to say, i.e. see above how I think it's connected to its prompt. but that's too darn subtle right now! It needs to be more clearly expressed.
My mind-reading helmet is at the cleaners, so instead my advice is gonna sound rather cynical: if you want litfic to win, you gotta hammer in your theme. Maybe half the readers enjoy hunting for subtlety in character pieces, but the other half will find it boring. You need the latter to not hate your fic, at least. Give them something so they don't feel left out.
(Whether this actually produces better "literature", I don't know for sure, but I don't care either)
My reaction was pretty close to >>Baal Bunny here. It's really easy to have a knee-jerk reaction that this is "cringey" but I think it's clever and self-aware enough as a whole. It does go somewhere by the end, though some readers may prematurely dismiss it from its opening.
Coming to this immediately after writing >>Haze, I think it might be useful to compare the stories. Even though I enjoy the other one more for its atmosphere, I personally think this is stronger in regards to what I said about theme and subtlety. Though it could develop the character a little more, since he won't tell us any of the specifics (hrmmm: that could be intentionally used in an interesting way? like if it's more clear that he's avoiding certain topics and details). At least for the first few paragraphs, we need a hook that this is a relatable person and not just a stereotype.
Clumsy has a lot of discussion going on, which actually makes it fun to try to work out its strengths and flaws. This one has been totally quiet, so it's really hard to tell if others reacted the same as me and Mike. I hope more people can chime in, even if it's just a short comment.
Coming to this immediately after writing >>Haze, I think it might be useful to compare the stories. Even though I enjoy the other one more for its atmosphere, I personally think this is stronger in regards to what I said about theme and subtlety. Though it could develop the character a little more, since he won't tell us any of the specifics (hrmmm: that could be intentionally used in an interesting way? like if it's more clear that he's avoiding certain topics and details). At least for the first few paragraphs, we need a hook that this is a relatable person and not just a stereotype.
Clumsy has a lot of discussion going on, which actually makes it fun to try to work out its strengths and flaws. This one has been totally quiet, so it's really hard to tell if others reacted the same as me and Mike. I hope more people can chime in, even if it's just a short comment.
>>Haze
I agree that the ending is what makes the story; at the start it sounds a bit -- sorry, Author -- generic: woe is me, never enough, ain't life hard, etcetera.
But then it gets going, and the ending has sonority and it's not something I've seen before much. This story to me it's a clear example of "lower half of the ballot" (not on my slate, though, Author, so at least I ain't draggin you down, woohoo, we all win) because it has some ideas going on but i do think it needs polish yet to shine for real.
Structure is a bit wonky? The ending makes the story but it comes a bit late so it feels tacked on. This is a story in the form of abstract rambling, but precisely because of that you can't make it too rambly; as Haze said above, if the start is too wild and scattered, many might shrug it off.
I recommend sticking to one idea and developing it, and it alone -- give the story more thematic consistency. As it stays, in 750 words you mention dying, not being alone, not being enough, and thr poem. It's a bit scattered, as I said. I like the ending and the subtle tone switch it does, but I think what comes right before that needs to be a bit grounded.
I agree that the ending is what makes the story; at the start it sounds a bit -- sorry, Author -- generic: woe is me, never enough, ain't life hard, etcetera.
But then it gets going, and the ending has sonority and it's not something I've seen before much. This story to me it's a clear example of "lower half of the ballot" (not on my slate, though, Author, so at least I ain't draggin you down, woohoo, we all win) because it has some ideas going on but i do think it needs polish yet to shine for real.
Structure is a bit wonky? The ending makes the story but it comes a bit late so it feels tacked on. This is a story in the form of abstract rambling, but precisely because of that you can't make it too rambly; as Haze said above, if the start is too wild and scattered, many might shrug it off.
I recommend sticking to one idea and developing it, and it alone -- give the story more thematic consistency. As it stays, in 750 words you mention dying, not being alone, not being enough, and thr poem. It's a bit scattered, as I said. I like the ending and the subtle tone switch it does, but I think what comes right before that needs to be a bit grounded.
Is it a blend of Out of Africa and Seven Gothic Tales, both by Karen Blixen?
Well, I agree the style and vocabulary is spot on, but the tale suffers from the short format. It’s much too condensed and laconic to be really evocative, and that might be why it sounded ironic to some. I wish there were longer description of both landscape and people. As such, it more evokes to me a sort of tabletop game where the protagonist would jump from square to square.
Well, I agree the style and vocabulary is spot on, but the tale suffers from the short format. It’s much too condensed and laconic to be really evocative, and that might be why it sounded ironic to some. I wish there were longer description of both landscape and people. As such, it more evokes to me a sort of tabletop game where the protagonist would jump from square to square.
I'm guessing:
This is all a metaphor for clinical depression, but that's just a guess on my part. Personally, I'd like the main character to bite back at the thing before it disappears--show a little agency, I think is the standard "lit crit" phrase. Right now, he's defined by passive activities, quite literally by not doing anything at the end. Maybe have him snarl something about how, yeah, he may not be real but the thing is even less real since it's just a figment on his imagination. Right now, it's a story about inactivity, and that's a hard sort of story to write.
Mike
This is all a metaphor for clinical depression, but that's just a guess on my part. Personally, I'd like the main character to bite back at the thing before it disappears--show a little agency, I think is the standard "lit crit" phrase. Right now, he's defined by passive activities, quite literally by not doing anything at the end. Maybe have him snarl something about how, yeah, he may not be real but the thing is even less real since it's just a figment on his imagination. Right now, it's a story about inactivity, and that's a hard sort of story to write.
Mike
I was expecting:
This to end with something like "But the sock was of no human shape!" from Mark Rogers' lovely Lovecraft parody in the first Samurai Cat book. Not having any punchline at all, though, made me wonder if I was wrong to read this as a parody. I found it to be very silly throughout and was enjoying it right up till the ending because, well, there isn't an ending. If this is a joke, then it needs a punchline. If it isn't a joke, then I don't know what it is...
Mike
This to end with something like "But the sock was of no human shape!" from Mark Rogers' lovely Lovecraft parody in the first Samurai Cat book. Not having any punchline at all, though, made me wonder if I was wrong to read this as a parody. I found it to be very silly throughout and was enjoying it right up till the ending because, well, there isn't an ending. If this is a joke, then it needs a punchline. If it isn't a joke, then I don't know what it is...
Mike
I agree with Miller here. The talking box seems artificial. Just let the two wolves, the tamed one and the wild one, talk together like wolves do. No need for obscure contraptions.
The argument here is much like “cling with nature, stay free and be destroyed” or “accept slavery but survive”. That would be a fair choice, if the wolf was living in this world. But you also decided to make him the last wild wolf on the planet, which doesn’t offer him much agency. And, as in every open and shut case, it makes the end pretty predictable.
But nevertheless it was a good idea, even if the concept is rooted deep in history. Case in point, the very famous tale in Brittany, where an ermine, cornered by a pack of dogs, and asked by them if she would surrender and become the pet of their lord, declared “Better death than dishonor”, motto that Bretons made theirs.
The argument here is much like “cling with nature, stay free and be destroyed” or “accept slavery but survive”. That would be a fair choice, if the wolf was living in this world. But you also decided to make him the last wild wolf on the planet, which doesn’t offer him much agency. And, as in every open and shut case, it makes the end pretty predictable.
But nevertheless it was a good idea, even if the concept is rooted deep in history. Case in point, the very famous tale in Brittany, where an ermine, cornered by a pack of dogs, and asked by them if she would surrender and become the pet of their lord, declared “Better death than dishonor”, motto that Bretons made theirs.
Well, I’m not sure why this piece is dedicated to GGA in the first place. I’ve no idea what the connection is between the story, or one of its characters, and him. Beats me.
The story is pretty straightforward and reads like a children tale. It’s not necessarily bad, because at least it is a story, and you don’t scratch your head trying to figure out what the plot is. On the other hand, it is not something you will remember for long: the mixture of various themes gathered here and there in the literature makes for a good broth, but not a chef’s recipe.
In other words, this story had limited ambition, but does well what she sets out to do. No strange devices, no twisted twist, no controversy, no hidden philosophical message. Sometimes, that’s refreshing.
The story is pretty straightforward and reads like a children tale. It’s not necessarily bad, because at least it is a story, and you don’t scratch your head trying to figure out what the plot is. On the other hand, it is not something you will remember for long: the mixture of various themes gathered here and there in the literature makes for a good broth, but not a chef’s recipe.
In other words, this story had limited ambition, but does well what she sets out to do. No strange devices, no twisted twist, no controversy, no hidden philosophical message. Sometimes, that’s refreshing.
WITH CAT-LIKE TREAD
UPON OUR PREY WE STEAL
IN SILENCE DREAD
OUR CAUTIOUS WAY WE FEEL
NO SOUND AT ALL
WE NEVER SPEAK A WORD
A FLY’S FOOTFALL
WOULD BE DISTINCTLY HEARD
Hokay, sorry. I’m sorry, I just… I had to get that out of my system.
*ahem*
You had me fooled with the first half of this story, Writer. You did a good job of maintaining tension and having things feel high stakes, at least until she starts to go on about her night vision goggles. At that point I started to question why Susan, of all people, would be sent on this type of mission when it’s clear she can be a liability. Still, it’s true that you are never more aware of how much noise you make than when you’re trying really hard not to make any, and you conveyed this very well early on.
My main issue here is that Susan is fully aware that the ground between her and her target is littered with traps, and yet still bounds forward at the last minute to close the distance between them.
Why? Why is she suddenly so heedless of her surroundings when it’s clear past experience has taught her not to do this? Her nerves don’t seem to get the better of her, and there’s no time limit from what we’ve seen so far. She takes paragraphs to move a single footstep, then arbitrarily goes, “Ah, fuck it,” and bounds forward for no reason. If she had lost her footing from standing on one foot for so long, or something else to that effect, it would make more sense.
Also, I agree with >>Haze and >>No_Raisin on pretty much every point that they made - the end overstays its welcome, and Susan and Amy could be named Lyra and Bon Bon and I wouldn’t bat an eye.
All the same, this was a cute idea, and a nice, refreshing change of pace from most of the other stories I’ve read so far. Thanks, Writer!
Tarantara, tarantara~
UPON OUR PREY WE STEAL
IN SILENCE DREAD
OUR CAUTIOUS WAY WE FEEL
NO SOUND AT ALL
WE NEVER SPEAK A WORD
A FLY’S FOOTFALL
WOULD BE DISTINCTLY HEARD
Hokay, sorry. I’m sorry, I just… I had to get that out of my system.
*ahem*
You had me fooled with the first half of this story, Writer. You did a good job of maintaining tension and having things feel high stakes, at least until she starts to go on about her night vision goggles. At that point I started to question why Susan, of all people, would be sent on this type of mission when it’s clear she can be a liability. Still, it’s true that you are never more aware of how much noise you make than when you’re trying really hard not to make any, and you conveyed this very well early on.
My main issue here is that Susan is fully aware that the ground between her and her target is littered with traps, and yet still bounds forward at the last minute to close the distance between them.
she rushed forward, eager to get to the target in one leap.
Why? Why is she suddenly so heedless of her surroundings when it’s clear past experience has taught her not to do this? Her nerves don’t seem to get the better of her, and there’s no time limit from what we’ve seen so far. She takes paragraphs to move a single footstep, then arbitrarily goes, “Ah, fuck it,” and bounds forward for no reason. If she had lost her footing from standing on one foot for so long, or something else to that effect, it would make more sense.
Also, I agree with >>Haze and >>No_Raisin on pretty much every point that they made - the end overstays its welcome, and Susan and Amy could be named Lyra and Bon Bon and I wouldn’t bat an eye.
All the same, this was a cute idea, and a nice, refreshing change of pace from most of the other stories I’ve read so far. Thanks, Writer!
Tarantara, tarantara~
My name is Luka.
I live on the second floor.
I live upstairs from you –
Yes, I think you've seen me before.
If you hear something late at night,
some kind of trouble or some kind of fight,
just don't ask me what it was.
Just don't ask me what it was...
I think it's cause I'm clumsy.
I try not to talk too loud.
Maybe it's because I'm crazy.
I try not to act too proud.
They only hit until you cry.
And after that you don't ask why.
You just don't argue anymore.
You just don't argue anymore...
edit: This story is real good.
I live on the second floor.
I live upstairs from you –
Yes, I think you've seen me before.
If you hear something late at night,
some kind of trouble or some kind of fight,
just don't ask me what it was.
Just don't ask me what it was...
I think it's cause I'm clumsy.
I try not to talk too loud.
Maybe it's because I'm crazy.
I try not to act too proud.
They only hit until you cry.
And after that you don't ask why.
You just don't argue anymore.
You just don't argue anymore...
edit: This story is real good.
This is an incredibly simple piece, but one that accomplishes what it's set out to do. Unfortunately, the story being told here isn't a unique one, and there isn't much of substance here to set it apart from any other "little kid learns to be a good older sibling" story. I will give you credit, however, for the first scene, which was clever and funny.
As for your title... I'm not seeing how it's related to the piece aside from that line at the end. Am I missing a deeper connection?
As for your title... I'm not seeing how it's related to the piece aside from that line at the end. Am I missing a deeper connection?
If this is a first person narrative, do we really need to hear all these names given in dialogue?
"Good morning, Helen."
"Have a good day, Roger."
"Indeed, Drake."
People don't really address each other like this. Just give us the names in narration.
"Good morning, Helen."
"Have a good day, Roger."
"Indeed, Drake."
People don't really address each other like this. Just give us the names in narration.
What an ending! I was with you the entire piece – there's something about these sort of angsty depictions of teen depression that I'm a sucker for – but the sincerity in that ending is wonderful.
So I didn't get to write any more reviews (thanks, University), but I managed to read and vote for all of the stories on my slate. There were some decent ones, and I hope they'll be in the next round.
I believe the others are mistaken, the female wolf clearly says "I have changed you just enough", implying that he was given some level of mental capability. The voicebox acts as a way to let him vocalize his new intelligence without having been further altered physically, keeping in line with the 'consensual' aspect of him being ascended to sentience. That said, I feel he should have been in a cell fitting for a wolf, like a zoo exhibit, with an exit available to him. Being strapped to the table undermines the "Your choice" concept, unless that was the intent.
I liked that. It's badass, it's fun. It doesn't have to be taken seriously, the Author is playing with tropes (even the trashy retelling of classic stories is a trope itself. I believe there are already movies about Badass Little Red Riding Hood, Zombie Pride and Prejudice and stuff like that).
So yeah, I enjoyed it. There's the minimum necessary amount of references about setting, which is good: enough to hint about several werewolves and a Hunter organization out there, but not too much to leave the reader with unanswered questions.
My only concern is the rather abrupt change towards the end. We're still pumped up from the action scene when she's about to free Grandma, and then we only get a couple of lines of suspense, and we jump right into sad scene.
But I guess you had to struggle with wordcount and time limit. And the ending was really good anyway, so I think it deserves mid-to-high tier.
So yeah, I enjoyed it. There's the minimum necessary amount of references about setting, which is good: enough to hint about several werewolves and a Hunter organization out there, but not too much to leave the reader with unanswered questions.
My only concern is the rather abrupt change towards the end. We're still pumped up from the action scene when she's about to free Grandma, and then we only get a couple of lines of suspense, and we jump right into sad scene.
“There’s a injection in there and everything. It’s supposed to work at least some of the time—”That was really fast. You're talking about a possible cure and then suddenly she's doomed and can't be cured.
There was no way that I could meet her eyes.
We talked for a while that evening while I did what I could.
But I guess you had to struggle with wordcount and time limit. And the ending was really good anyway, so I think it deserves mid-to-high tier.
I’d say that people don’t use email anymore for that sort of dialogue. It should’ve been framed as an instant messaging conversation or something.
There are really two stories intertwined here. The first is the "wooing" between the boy and the girl, and the other one is the "freak" howling out of the girl's house. They seem to run separately, Sure, they "intersect" at the end, but you don’t even build upon that, so it’s more like grazing than real interference.
So this fic is really a bit of an oddball, yeah. I can’t really say I emerged from it very satisfied. The idea is nice, but the execution – IMHO :P – lacks a bit.
There are really two stories intertwined here. The first is the "wooing" between the boy and the girl, and the other one is the "freak" howling out of the girl's house. They seem to run separately, Sure, they "intersect" at the end, but you don’t even build upon that, so it’s more like grazing than real interference.
So this fic is really a bit of an oddball, yeah. I can’t really say I emerged from it very satisfied. The idea is nice, but the execution – IMHO :P – lacks a bit.
Hey, Author, how are you? Sorry your story didn't get a lot of attention this round, but it's great that >>WritingSpirit was able to stop by and analyze this. It makes it easier to piggyback.
I'm on the fence about Spirit's review, on the whole; there are parts I agree and disagree with. Like him, I had to give this story a second go before I could tell what was happening. A little bit of that is the heavy, purple-y prose, but the concept is also quite tough to pick up. But I will point out that, when a difficult Sci-fi concept is used in a novel or short story, it usually takes more than 750 words before the reader can settle into the concept anyways, so we can go ahead and blame the contest. Stupid minifics. (Would this have been better in a SS round?)
BTW, if you do want to bring the reader in earlier, one option would be to have the protagonist bring the clacker with them, successfully use it to ward away danger, and then subsequently lose it. Something like that would help us get what's going on while also adding extra tension to the chase.
But the concept is neat! And ambitious, which is always nice to see. The only problem is that if you strip the concept away from the story, it can still be told the same way. Being chased through the woods by wolves is something that can happen in this world, and by my reading, having the wolves' light tell our hero where not to go isn't much different than having their growls give her the same info. If you want to really elevate your idea, make it more crucial to the plotline.
I agree with Spirit that the tree bark description sticks out like a sore thumb, but I think that's because the crystal trees weren't clearly introduced earlier. I don't know about other readers, but that was the first time I heard that the trees were made of crystal. But! I do want to highlight this part because the foreign environment is crucial to the plot. Crystal trees are hard to climb because they're so smooth, but thank God, some of them are damaged and can be climbed! That's what I was wishing there was more of with the light.
Now, I wouldn't say that the tone of the story is contradicted by the ending, just that the ending has no explanation. The story is mysterious and intriguing thanks to your concept, and the wolves' reaction is mysterious and intriguing as well. But we need some answers, or better yet some hints! Why've they given up? It kind of undermines her conviction to never forget her clacker again, because it's almost as if the wolves not being interested is pre-ordained.
The only other thing I want to say is that, for a scene that's meant to be so tense, the narration is kind of betraying you, because it's taking too long to explain things. That, and there are a lot of adverbs. Not that those are sins in writing, but they should be used more sparingly than this. The way I think of it, adverbs should only be used if they're absolutely necessary, or if you want to describe something quick and dirty in order to keep the pace up.
But that's enough outta me. Good luck to you, Author, and Godspeed!
I'm on the fence about Spirit's review, on the whole; there are parts I agree and disagree with. Like him, I had to give this story a second go before I could tell what was happening. A little bit of that is the heavy, purple-y prose, but the concept is also quite tough to pick up. But I will point out that, when a difficult Sci-fi concept is used in a novel or short story, it usually takes more than 750 words before the reader can settle into the concept anyways, so we can go ahead and blame the contest. Stupid minifics. (Would this have been better in a SS round?)
BTW, if you do want to bring the reader in earlier, one option would be to have the protagonist bring the clacker with them, successfully use it to ward away danger, and then subsequently lose it. Something like that would help us get what's going on while also adding extra tension to the chase.
But the concept is neat! And ambitious, which is always nice to see. The only problem is that if you strip the concept away from the story, it can still be told the same way. Being chased through the woods by wolves is something that can happen in this world, and by my reading, having the wolves' light tell our hero where not to go isn't much different than having their growls give her the same info. If you want to really elevate your idea, make it more crucial to the plotline.
I agree with Spirit that the tree bark description sticks out like a sore thumb, but I think that's because the crystal trees weren't clearly introduced earlier. I don't know about other readers, but that was the first time I heard that the trees were made of crystal. But! I do want to highlight this part because the foreign environment is crucial to the plot. Crystal trees are hard to climb because they're so smooth, but thank God, some of them are damaged and can be climbed! That's what I was wishing there was more of with the light.
Now, I wouldn't say that the tone of the story is contradicted by the ending, just that the ending has no explanation. The story is mysterious and intriguing thanks to your concept, and the wolves' reaction is mysterious and intriguing as well. But we need some answers, or better yet some hints! Why've they given up? It kind of undermines her conviction to never forget her clacker again, because it's almost as if the wolves not being interested is pre-ordained.
The only other thing I want to say is that, for a scene that's meant to be so tense, the narration is kind of betraying you, because it's taking too long to explain things. That, and there are a lot of adverbs. Not that those are sins in writing, but they should be used more sparingly than this. The way I think of it, adverbs should only be used if they're absolutely necessary, or if you want to describe something quick and dirty in order to keep the pace up.
But that's enough outta me. Good luck to you, Author, and Godspeed!
Ouch...
At this point, I have to admit my powers of prediction are no better than chance, because I honestly didn't expect this to fail the preliminaries. And yet here we are. Good thing I got insurance, at least. Phew!
>>Haze
>>Hap
>>Monokeras
I think the easiest fix for that confused American-Britishness issue would've been to change "NYPD" to "Metropolitan Police", since everything else is largely British. Unfortunately, I kept going back and forth over which side of the Atlantic to set this, and I neglected to edit out those inconsistencies. My mistake.
I'm a bit puzzled by the "rough writing" and "stilted language" charges. Monokeras understood what I was going for, so I wonder why it seemed so flawed to everyone else. Best I can guess is the use of sentence fragments, but they seem to me perfectly fine as a stylistic choice.
Also, did anybody get that Pryce was the werewolf? The entire ending was built around the implications of that fact. I deliberately refrained from spelling it out because, ironically, I was worried I'd get hit with a lot of "Hey! Show, don't tell!" feedback.
At this point, I have to admit my powers of prediction are no better than chance, because I honestly didn't expect this to fail the preliminaries. And yet here we are. Good thing I got insurance, at least. Phew!
>>Haze
>>Hap
>>Monokeras
I think the easiest fix for that confused American-Britishness issue would've been to change "NYPD" to "Metropolitan Police", since everything else is largely British. Unfortunately, I kept going back and forth over which side of the Atlantic to set this, and I neglected to edit out those inconsistencies. My mistake.
I'm a bit puzzled by the "rough writing" and "stilted language" charges. Monokeras understood what I was going for, so I wonder why it seemed so flawed to everyone else. Best I can guess is the use of sentence fragments, but they seem to me perfectly fine as a stylistic choice.
Also, did anybody get that Pryce was the werewolf? The entire ending was built around the implications of that fact. I deliberately refrained from spelling it out because, ironically, I was worried I'd get hit with a lot of "Hey! Show, don't tell!" feedback.
This one, on the other hand, was deliberately experimental in format. Thus, I'm not particularly surprised it didn't make it. One of the nice things about writing more than one entry is that I feel a lot more comfortable trying something different every other fic. Costs me points, sometimes, but not enough to do too much damage. And it gives the reader something to be happily cross about. ;D
>>Miller Minus
>>Monokeras
I did have a guiding theme uniting the disparate threads: misunderstanding different mindsets. The obvious example is George, whose behaviour is scarily unfathomable to Zoe but familiar and less worrying to Zach. That's why the "George is an oddball" line is there. The second example is between Zoe and her friends; because Zoe's studious and wants to get into Oxford, her friends see her as an elitist, whereas Zach appreciates that she wants the best for herself and isn't excluding her friends on account of it. The last example is between Zoe and Zach, since Zach himself is slightly dimmer than Zoe but familiar enough with her to not feel too bad about it. In all cases, there are two parties with different perspectives, and the solution generally involves spending more time with them (hence why Zoe is a little less neurotic after Zach finally goes over to help). It's not meant to be as random as it first looks.
And now I'm thinking I'm not very good at getting my point across. Is it too obscure?
Also, just in case this was a factor in people's judgement of it: Yes, the spelling mistakes were deliberately used for verisimilitude. In fact, I generally tried to make them predominantly happen in Zoe's emails to indicate her neuroticism, which Zach lacks and which Zoe eases up on after his visit.
Lastly, I picked email because that's what I predominantly use. Though I suppose I should've used something more up-to-date, I was going on familiarity.
>>Miller Minus
>>Monokeras
I did have a guiding theme uniting the disparate threads: misunderstanding different mindsets. The obvious example is George, whose behaviour is scarily unfathomable to Zoe but familiar and less worrying to Zach. That's why the "George is an oddball" line is there. The second example is between Zoe and her friends; because Zoe's studious and wants to get into Oxford, her friends see her as an elitist, whereas Zach appreciates that she wants the best for herself and isn't excluding her friends on account of it. The last example is between Zoe and Zach, since Zach himself is slightly dimmer than Zoe but familiar enough with her to not feel too bad about it. In all cases, there are two parties with different perspectives, and the solution generally involves spending more time with them (hence why Zoe is a little less neurotic after Zach finally goes over to help). It's not meant to be as random as it first looks.
And now I'm thinking I'm not very good at getting my point across. Is it too obscure?
Also, just in case this was a factor in people's judgement of it: Yes, the spelling mistakes were deliberately used for verisimilitude. In fact, I generally tried to make them predominantly happen in Zoe's emails to indicate her neuroticism, which Zach lacks and which Zoe eases up on after his visit.
Lastly, I picked email because that's what I predominantly use. Though I suppose I should've used something more up-to-date, I was going on familiarity.
>>Samey90
>>Baal Bunny
Hey. I’m convinced it’s impossible to write a good horror story that holds its own in 750 words, so I set out writing this as a parody. Then I sort of did a double-take and thought it was not that bad as a “true” horror story, so I decided to let the ending quite open, giving the reader leeway to wonder. I should’ve kept the original ending (the cabinet crumbles just before pouncing on the guy).
Anyhow, thanks to all for reading, even those who didn't comment.
>>Baal Bunny
Hey. I’m convinced it’s impossible to write a good horror story that holds its own in 750 words, so I set out writing this as a parody. Then I sort of did a double-take and thought it was not that bad as a “true” horror story, so I decided to let the ending quite open, giving the reader leeway to wonder. I should’ve kept the original ending (the cabinet crumbles just before pouncing on the guy).
Anyhow, thanks to all for reading, even those who didn't comment.
>>BlueChameleonVI
The main conflict here seems to be Zoe being concerned and later threatened by Geoge. The rest is present, but somehow pushed into the background, and frankly it feels like a diversion. Like small-talk you don’t really care about, or sauce poured over the meat.
Also, I think everyone understood that the spelling errors were deliberate, all the more that you signal it at the beginning. Now, do they add anything to the story, I’m not certain.
The main conflict here seems to be Zoe being concerned and later threatened by Geoge. The rest is present, but somehow pushed into the background, and frankly it feels like a diversion. Like small-talk you don’t really care about, or sauce poured over the meat.
Also, I think everyone understood that the spelling errors were deliberate, all the more that you signal it at the beginning. Now, do they add anything to the story, I’m not certain.
>>Miller Minus
>>BlueChameleonVI
Thanks for the comments, folks:
I guess my takeaway is that werewolf romantic comedies need more than 660 words to be fully effective. :)
Congrats to the finalists! See y'all next round!
Mike
>>BlueChameleonVI
Thanks for the comments, folks:
I guess my takeaway is that werewolf romantic comedies need more than 660 words to be fully effective. :)
Congrats to the finalists! See y'all next round!
Mike
>>Miller Minus
Every time I write a story like this I wrestle with the thought of, "Am I being too obvious in the foreshadowing? This is a group of dedicated writers I'm catering to, after all." I suppose I simply haven't learned my lesson yet. I know I didn't fail to leave enough clues because others picked up on it. I even decided to describe his package as 'saucer'-like rather than pie-shaped because pie felt too on the nose (and saucer has 'sauce' in the word so it felt more clever in the endgame reveal). I guess he was delivering one with jalapeno peppers on it because you could say I'm spicy.
In the end though, the main body wasn't strong enough to stand on its own two feet to mitigate the possibility of the ending falling flat for some people. I'll have to refine my reveals, and maybe make them a little more apparent.
>>Icenrose
Reg surprises the Varghoul with his shot, ergo the exposition makes it a surprise too; by the time he pulls the trigger it's effectively already hit the creature. It's like when two swordfighters are locked together face to face in a movie, then one of them gets a surprised look and the camera slowly pans down to reveal a hand that, one presumes, is no longer holding the dagger embedded in their stomach.
The archanotech was undeveloped in its flavor, unfortunately. I should have cut out the runes bit so it could be more grounded in sci-fi, rather than trying to add a dash of fantasy when I lacked the wordcount to worldbuild such an amalgamation.
Thank you for the praise on the ending, though.
>>No_Raisin
30 minutes or it's free, Parker.
I went with 30mm because that's the ammunition type of a Thunderbolt II Jet's GAU cannon, which is a sexy T H I C C gun the size of a Volkswagon. I knew adding it was excessive, but I do ever so love the BRRRRRTTTT. It also gives the reader some indication of the size of hole it puts into things. The silver was part of the worldbuilding I tried to slot in. I was planning on having a mention of something along the lines of "Everything went to shit when those archeologists opened The Crypt" but I couldn't find a suitable place for it and was running out of both time and words.
Googling Varghoul brings up a wide variety of creatures, only a few of which I could hesitantly describe as being wolf-like. I was personally just appropriating Vargeist but didn't want to use the term since "Original minific" and all.
Yeah, there's pretty much two ways to read the story that I've been told of: Either it's the most extreme pizza delivery (my intention), or some pimply teenager trying to imagine their job being actually interesting (I only wish this had been my intention).
Hope you enjoyed the realization. In a world gone mad, one of the few solaces people can find is pizza, truly the greatest of all these parts of a complete breakfast.
Every time I write a story like this I wrestle with the thought of, "Am I being too obvious in the foreshadowing? This is a group of dedicated writers I'm catering to, after all." I suppose I simply haven't learned my lesson yet. I know I didn't fail to leave enough clues because others picked up on it. I even decided to describe his package as 'saucer'-like rather than pie-shaped because pie felt too on the nose (and saucer has 'sauce' in the word so it felt more clever in the endgame reveal). I guess he was delivering one with jalapeno peppers on it because you could say I'm spicy.
In the end though, the main body wasn't strong enough to stand on its own two feet to mitigate the possibility of the ending falling flat for some people. I'll have to refine my reveals, and maybe make them a little more apparent.
>>Icenrose
Reg surprises the Varghoul with his shot, ergo the exposition makes it a surprise too; by the time he pulls the trigger it's effectively already hit the creature. It's like when two swordfighters are locked together face to face in a movie, then one of them gets a surprised look and the camera slowly pans down to reveal a hand that, one presumes, is no longer holding the dagger embedded in their stomach.
The archanotech was undeveloped in its flavor, unfortunately. I should have cut out the runes bit so it could be more grounded in sci-fi, rather than trying to add a dash of fantasy when I lacked the wordcount to worldbuild such an amalgamation.
Thank you for the praise on the ending, though.
>>No_Raisin
30 minutes or it's free, Parker.
I went with 30mm because that's the ammunition type of a Thunderbolt II Jet's GAU cannon, which is a sexy T H I C C gun the size of a Volkswagon. I knew adding it was excessive, but I do ever so love the BRRRRRTTTT. It also gives the reader some indication of the size of hole it puts into things. The silver was part of the worldbuilding I tried to slot in. I was planning on having a mention of something along the lines of "Everything went to shit when those archeologists opened The Crypt" but I couldn't find a suitable place for it and was running out of both time and words.
Googling Varghoul brings up a wide variety of creatures, only a few of which I could hesitantly describe as being wolf-like. I was personally just appropriating Vargeist but didn't want to use the term since "Original minific" and all.
Yeah, there's pretty much two ways to read the story that I've been told of: Either it's the most extreme pizza delivery (my intention), or some pimply teenager trying to imagine their job being actually interesting (I only wish this had been my intention).
Hope you enjoyed the realization. In a world gone mad, one of the few solaces people can find is pizza, truly the greatest of all these parts of a complete breakfast.
>>BlueChameleonVI
I can't even remember what I saw as errors, but now I realize it's probably that American/British speech dissonance. The story seemed to imply that Coltrane was some ancient creature so it made sense to me that he could be from NYPD but currently in Britain? Though he could have any dialect if he's that old.
The Pryce thing was waaay too subtle for me. The ending felt unsatisfying without that understanding, and I think with more clarity this might've gotten to finals. That's why I said it had "confusing flow", it was too difficult to understand what was going on.
But I did like the whole concept. It felt like it was subverting the "spooky demon child" horror cliche.
I can't even remember what I saw as errors, but now I realize it's probably that American/British speech dissonance. The story seemed to imply that Coltrane was some ancient creature so it made sense to me that he could be from NYPD but currently in Britain? Though he could have any dialect if he's that old.
The Pryce thing was waaay too subtle for me. The ending felt unsatisfying without that understanding, and I think with more clarity this might've gotten to finals. That's why I said it had "confusing flow", it was too difficult to understand what was going on.
But I did like the whole concept. It felt like it was subverting the "spooky demon child" horror cliche.
>>Miller Minus
>>No_Raisin
Thanks guys for the comments!
Honestly, this was more as an exercise in atmosphere than story, so I wasn't really concerned about the plot or the characters. I didn't really think of the plot twist as being a plot twist when I was writing this either, so I never really intended on making it shocking or really delve into the background of the characters.
Abigail is not the killer nor is she a ghost. It's more of an entity wearing Abigail as a shell, the entity being Amduscias, one of the Great Dukes of Hell from the Ars Goetia and the Pseudomonarchia Daemonum. That's where all the unicorn and trumpet symbolism is from, as well as the thunderstorm outside.
Here's a picture of the devil in question.
The killer had basically offered her to Amduscias as a body to possess, the triptych (one of it's definitions: a set of three associated artistic, literary, or musical works intended to be appreciated together.) being the three drives that featured a photo of her body, the incantations of praise, and the sound of her screaming. I had thought of ending it with Harold turning around to see Abigail smiling at him and the lights going out, though I opted for a more vague approach by mentioning the thunder again.
All in all, I didn't mind you guys (and I'm pretty sure everyone else) not getting it. Just me trying out a hand at atmosphere for another story.
Cheers!
>>No_Raisin
Thanks guys for the comments!
Honestly, this was more as an exercise in atmosphere than story, so I wasn't really concerned about the plot or the characters. I didn't really think of the plot twist as being a plot twist when I was writing this either, so I never really intended on making it shocking or really delve into the background of the characters.
Abigail is not the killer nor is she a ghost. It's more of an entity wearing Abigail as a shell, the entity being Amduscias, one of the Great Dukes of Hell from the Ars Goetia and the Pseudomonarchia Daemonum. That's where all the unicorn and trumpet symbolism is from, as well as the thunderstorm outside.
Here's a picture of the devil in question.
The killer had basically offered her to Amduscias as a body to possess, the triptych (one of it's definitions: a set of three associated artistic, literary, or musical works intended to be appreciated together.) being the three drives that featured a photo of her body, the incantations of praise, and the sound of her screaming. I had thought of ending it with Harold turning around to see Abigail smiling at him and the lights going out, though I opted for a more vague approach by mentioning the thunder again.
All in all, I didn't mind you guys (and I'm pretty sure everyone else) not getting it. Just me trying out a hand at atmosphere for another story.
Cheers!
>>BlueChameleonVI
>>Miller Minus
Thank you for the comments guys !! I appreciate them a lot !
I was wondering if I had left it too vague and it seems I did ! All I really had for this round was a bit of a story outline and about an hour to write xOx
Suggestions and the like are always appreciated though like I said, ty for taking the time to comment :D
>>Miller Minus
Thank you for the comments guys !! I appreciate them a lot !
I was wondering if I had left it too vague and it seems I did ! All I really had for this round was a bit of a story outline and about an hour to write xOx
Suggestions and the like are always appreciated though like I said, ty for taking the time to comment :D
I liked it. It was fun, and punchy.
But... as much as I appreciate the references to Monster Hunter International, this is supposed to be an original fiction round, not just not-pony-related. This falls pretty squarely in fanfic territory, which I think technically disqualifies it. If not for the mention of Earl Harbinger, this could have passed as generic monster-hunting as a genre.
As far as writing quality, this isn't bad at all, but there's a couple of things this story did that pulled the rug out from under its own feet. It lost a lot of the tension that it could have had.
Technical note: if you're writing MHI fanfic, yourreader target audience probably knows enough about guns that your description of her use of the "Colt .45" seems off. Until they read far enough to realize it's a single action revolver, not a Colt 1911 semiautomatic.
And that places this story some time in the late 1800s or early 1900s? But then again, she has a phone. If it's set after WWII, there's no reason any well-equipped hunter would really be using a low-capacity, slow to fire, slow to reload cowboy-style gun. Regardless, I wondered if the little girl could have been Dorcas. (On that note, Dorcas was a minor character in a MLP/Beauty and the Beast/MHI crossover fic I wrote called Belle of the 7.62x51mm Ball.)
So, the tension.
I think the whole "rescuing the grandmother" thing would have had a bit more tension if we'd known before seeing her that there was another werewolf. Looking for grandma, oh, there's a noise in the closet! Obviously grandma... unless we know there's a werewolf using newer werewolves as a distraction already.
Why the extra headshot? Maybe mention the regenerative abilities of werewolves, show us the chest cavity starting to re-coalesce before the last couple head shots, or mention that silver stops the regeneration and that's why it's used in bullets. This could have been an extra layer of tension while searching for/caring for grandma.
And finally... the anti-werewolf injection. I don't think it was necessary. You already have the uncertainty from granny's wounds. Is it a bite, or just a cut from claws? Adding a possibly-helpful vaccine actually cuts down on the tension. Without the possibility of a cure, you know that a bite is a death sentence for granny, and we just can't tell what kind of wound she has. With the injection, we're just not as worried.
So, that's my thoughts. Solid little story, but not quite what it could have been.
But... as much as I appreciate the references to Monster Hunter International, this is supposed to be an original fiction round, not just not-pony-related. This falls pretty squarely in fanfic territory, which I think technically disqualifies it. If not for the mention of Earl Harbinger, this could have passed as generic monster-hunting as a genre.
As far as writing quality, this isn't bad at all, but there's a couple of things this story did that pulled the rug out from under its own feet. It lost a lot of the tension that it could have had.
Technical note: if you're writing MHI fanfic, your
And that places this story some time in the late 1800s or early 1900s? But then again, she has a phone. If it's set after WWII, there's no reason any well-equipped hunter would really be using a low-capacity, slow to fire, slow to reload cowboy-style gun. Regardless, I wondered if the little girl could have been Dorcas. (On that note, Dorcas was a minor character in a MLP/Beauty and the Beast/MHI crossover fic I wrote called Belle of the 7.62x51mm Ball.)
So, the tension.
I think the whole "rescuing the grandmother" thing would have had a bit more tension if we'd known before seeing her that there was another werewolf. Looking for grandma, oh, there's a noise in the closet! Obviously grandma... unless we know there's a werewolf using newer werewolves as a distraction already.
Why the extra headshot? Maybe mention the regenerative abilities of werewolves, show us the chest cavity starting to re-coalesce before the last couple head shots, or mention that silver stops the regeneration and that's why it's used in bullets. This could have been an extra layer of tension while searching for/caring for grandma.
And finally... the anti-werewolf injection. I don't think it was necessary. You already have the uncertainty from granny's wounds. Is it a bite, or just a cut from claws? Adding a possibly-helpful vaccine actually cuts down on the tension. Without the possibility of a cure, you know that a bite is a death sentence for granny, and we just can't tell what kind of wound she has. With the injection, we're just not as worried.
So, that's my thoughts. Solid little story, but not quite what it could have been.
>>aconcernedparent
>>aconcernedparent
These comments were reported as an anonymity violation because they are obviously by the author.
While usually I would've DQ'd this entry, it was submitted under Anonymous. Anonymity violations when the fic is by Anonymous don't have any precedent, and I think the rules in this case were sufficiently ambiguous that a disqualification was not justified.
The intent of the rules however are very distinctly against this behaviour. Any future cases of people giving an authorial perspective will be ruled as an anonymity violation, regardless of who the entry was submitted under.
(Also, as a general rule, please don't use the alias feature to make inflammatory comments.)
>>aconcernedparent
These comments were reported as an anonymity violation because they are obviously by the author.
While usually I would've DQ'd this entry, it was submitted under Anonymous. Anonymity violations when the fic is by Anonymous don't have any precedent, and I think the rules in this case were sufficiently ambiguous that a disqualification was not justified.
The intent of the rules however are very distinctly against this behaviour. Any future cases of people giving an authorial perspective will be ruled as an anonymity violation, regardless of who the entry was submitted under.
(Also, as a general rule, please don't use the alias feature to make inflammatory comments.)
This is super cute. I think it cannot be fully appreciated by people who don’t have children themselves.
But I agree with Dubs, too: it’s not the first time I read this, the plot is pretty simple and straightforward, and, like Clumsy, I suspect the choice you made was not fully innocent. Write about children is like writing about foals in pony rounds, it’s a good way to earn general appreciation.
Also, I’m sorry to say this, but no parent would sleep through such circumstances. Parents wake up every time they’re something odd going round. It’s genetic. So I’m definitely sure whoever wrote this has no kids.
But I agree with Dubs, too: it’s not the first time I read this, the plot is pretty simple and straightforward, and, like Clumsy, I suspect the choice you made was not fully innocent. Write about children is like writing about foals in pony rounds, it’s a good way to earn general appreciation.
Also, I’m sorry to say this, but no parent would sleep through such circumstances. Parents wake up every time they’re something odd going round. It’s genetic. So I’m definitely sure whoever wrote this has no kids.
Like all the others already said, the absence of full line breaks makes the text rather stodgy and border unpalatable.
You tell us that the story is about evil sort of “gods”, but nowhere I see them being really “evil”. They rather seem to be mild, or even meek. You try to give us a sort of Lovecraftian twang, but Lovecraft’s gods seem way more ruthless and threatening.
So, yeah, the premise doesn’t correspond to what you deliver. Make, say, God speak with one of his peers over what he did with his private part of the universe and you get something much more coherent. Sure, you lose the aspect “look at that bad ass who softens when he sees how his universe has turned out”, but at present you don’t really build up on the fact they’re evil, so it doesn’t make sense telling us they are.
You tell us that the story is about evil sort of “gods”, but nowhere I see them being really “evil”. They rather seem to be mild, or even meek. You try to give us a sort of Lovecraftian twang, but Lovecraft’s gods seem way more ruthless and threatening.
So, yeah, the premise doesn’t correspond to what you deliver. Make, say, God speak with one of his peers over what he did with his private part of the universe and you get something much more coherent. Sure, you lose the aspect “look at that bad ass who softens when he sees how his universe has turned out”, but at present you don’t really build up on the fact they’re evil, so it doesn’t make sense telling us they are.
I agree with both previous commenters. This is a nice comedy with great sexual undertones. The two characters are definitely well characterized and their interaction is rather sweet. The first twist is rather good and contributes to setting up the general tone of the piece. The execution is pretty nice and the starting idea is rather cool. A good read, overall!
Hah. This is cheeky. I’m not sure Perrault would approve, but amidst all the perverted tales which stem from the original work, this one's not bad (although I prefer the one in which the Little Redhood teams with the wolf and they rob the various travelers at gunpoint to get enough money to buy the cake and the butter for her grandma).
So yeah, maybe the first scene drags for too long. After all, you don’t have much to put in. This is more a scene, or the idea of a scene, rather than a whole story. I think you should’ve kept it a bit shorter. As a rule of thumb, people are afraid that 600- stories will automatically be slapped, which is not true. Here it seems you really padded the first scene, to no great avail, since we immediately get what the scene is about and the piling up of gory details doesn’t add much.
But it was a fairly good read, especially the last twist.
So yeah, maybe the first scene drags for too long. After all, you don’t have much to put in. This is more a scene, or the idea of a scene, rather than a whole story. I think you should’ve kept it a bit shorter. As a rule of thumb, people are afraid that 600- stories will automatically be slapped, which is not true. Here it seems you really padded the first scene, to no great avail, since we immediately get what the scene is about and the piling up of gory details doesn’t add much.
But it was a fairly good read, especially the last twist.