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Humphrey's Pest Control Problem
In the space between spaces, in a reality that knows no light, there dwell beings of indescribable power. The shape of these creatures does not map to our understanding of space; their thoughts and motivations are unknowable and alien. Their actions can only be seen in the dance of the stars and in the subtle interplay of particles.
Of these unimaginable beasts, two are of interest to our tale. One we will call Humphrey, he’s a local of a sort. The other we will call Yy’wal, he is very much not. Creatures such as they do not gather around each other’s necks of the multiverse for tea and scones while grousing about work. However, it’s as good an analogy as any.
“Which is why we had to replace physics for thirty millennia,” Yy’wal completed, with a sigh.
Humphrey said nothing, sipping on his tea. It had gone cool over the course of the rambling story. “I did wonder why there was a dark patch.”
Yy’wal made a face. “Yeah, boss doesn’t really think much of electromagnetism, so we got away with that. Most of the baryonics made it into the right place and that’s what’s on the checklist, so all’s well that ends well.”
“Quite… Another scone?”
“Nah, birthday at the office I’m still full of cake.”
The two infinite horrors nodded to each other and continued to sip at their drinks.
“Nice place you’ve got here, Humph,” Yy’wal began, casting around the dimensional conflux. “Great views, plenty of elbow room. Always knew you’d do well for yourself, too smart for your own good. Heh.”
Humphrey swallowed a grimace. Boarding school translates perfectly well to creatures beyond mortal ken, much to a far younger Humphrey’s dismay. “One tries. I have to say I find your place more homely.”
Yy’wal waved him off. “Nah, it’s mostly missing matter. This place has class, though, there’s that odd ringing sound.”
“Oh?” Humphrey cocked his head. “I don’t hear anything?”
“Nah there’s definitely something.” Yy’wal scowled, craning his neck. “Little main sequence star squawking over there?”
Humphrey glanced around for the aberrant star a moment, before breathing a sigh of relief. “Oh, no that’s just Humanity. You had me worried there.”
“Humanity—“ Yy’wal did a double take. “You have life out there?”
“Just some organic replicators,” Humphrey protested. “They keep the garden interesting. Lots of unusual elements churning about. Wonderful new smells.”
Yy’wal fixed him with an odd look. “Smells? How complicated is this life getting?”
“Ah. Well, bear in mind I’ve been busy at the office and I haven’t really had the chance to prune recently.” Humphrey rubbed the back of his head. “Still, it’s not that bad.”
“Humph, you’re a terrible liar.” Yy’wal sighed, raising a foot. “Want me to get rid of it for you?”
“No!” Humphrey leapt forwards, placing himself between Yy’wal and Sol. “I… really don’t see the need to bother.”
Yy’wal rolled his eyes. “It’s gross.”
“I’ll admit it’s not the cleanest thing in the world. All that knocking about and replicating, but really what harm is there?” Humphrey forced a reassuring smile.
“It’ll get everywhere.” Yy’wal shook his head in disgust. “Before you know it, it’ll be multicellular.”
“Umm…”
“Then it starts getting social.”
“Yes, uh…”
“And then it’s just a hop skip to being intelligent and then where will you be?”
“Right…” Humphrey took a sudden interest in his shoes. “And if it’s already reached that stage?”
Yy’wal sighed. “Humph, just squash them already before it gets any worse.”
Humphrey winced. “Are you sure that’s necessary? Ninety percent of organic civilisations go extinct without bothering anybody, all on their own! There’s no real need to go squishing things. It’s just a few high-energy physics experiments running and the noise is hardly noticeable.”
“High energy physics?” Yy’wal exclaimed. “Humph!”
“Yes, yes…” Humphrey hemmed and hawed a moment. “It’s just… I don’t like squashing things much. They don’t feel pain like us but it still feels cruel. Besides, they’ve been on that planet for billions of years, I kind of feel they have a right to the place.”
Yy’wal pressed his hand over his eyes. “Fine. Just, fine. If you want to adopt organics then that’s your own business, just don’t come crying to me when they start trashing things.”
“Don’t be dramatic. They’ve been going for years without—“
A tinkling crash resounded through the space. Humphrey made a slow turn, dismay writ across his face as the walls around Sol crumbled.
“Oh dear, they’ve broken my light-barrier.”
Of these unimaginable beasts, two are of interest to our tale. One we will call Humphrey, he’s a local of a sort. The other we will call Yy’wal, he is very much not. Creatures such as they do not gather around each other’s necks of the multiverse for tea and scones while grousing about work. However, it’s as good an analogy as any.
“Which is why we had to replace physics for thirty millennia,” Yy’wal completed, with a sigh.
Humphrey said nothing, sipping on his tea. It had gone cool over the course of the rambling story. “I did wonder why there was a dark patch.”
Yy’wal made a face. “Yeah, boss doesn’t really think much of electromagnetism, so we got away with that. Most of the baryonics made it into the right place and that’s what’s on the checklist, so all’s well that ends well.”
“Quite… Another scone?”
“Nah, birthday at the office I’m still full of cake.”
The two infinite horrors nodded to each other and continued to sip at their drinks.
“Nice place you’ve got here, Humph,” Yy’wal began, casting around the dimensional conflux. “Great views, plenty of elbow room. Always knew you’d do well for yourself, too smart for your own good. Heh.”
Humphrey swallowed a grimace. Boarding school translates perfectly well to creatures beyond mortal ken, much to a far younger Humphrey’s dismay. “One tries. I have to say I find your place more homely.”
Yy’wal waved him off. “Nah, it’s mostly missing matter. This place has class, though, there’s that odd ringing sound.”
“Oh?” Humphrey cocked his head. “I don’t hear anything?”
“Nah there’s definitely something.” Yy’wal scowled, craning his neck. “Little main sequence star squawking over there?”
Humphrey glanced around for the aberrant star a moment, before breathing a sigh of relief. “Oh, no that’s just Humanity. You had me worried there.”
“Humanity—“ Yy’wal did a double take. “You have life out there?”
“Just some organic replicators,” Humphrey protested. “They keep the garden interesting. Lots of unusual elements churning about. Wonderful new smells.”
Yy’wal fixed him with an odd look. “Smells? How complicated is this life getting?”
“Ah. Well, bear in mind I’ve been busy at the office and I haven’t really had the chance to prune recently.” Humphrey rubbed the back of his head. “Still, it’s not that bad.”
“Humph, you’re a terrible liar.” Yy’wal sighed, raising a foot. “Want me to get rid of it for you?”
“No!” Humphrey leapt forwards, placing himself between Yy’wal and Sol. “I… really don’t see the need to bother.”
Yy’wal rolled his eyes. “It’s gross.”
“I’ll admit it’s not the cleanest thing in the world. All that knocking about and replicating, but really what harm is there?” Humphrey forced a reassuring smile.
“It’ll get everywhere.” Yy’wal shook his head in disgust. “Before you know it, it’ll be multicellular.”
“Umm…”
“Then it starts getting social.”
“Yes, uh…”
“And then it’s just a hop skip to being intelligent and then where will you be?”
“Right…” Humphrey took a sudden interest in his shoes. “And if it’s already reached that stage?”
Yy’wal sighed. “Humph, just squash them already before it gets any worse.”
Humphrey winced. “Are you sure that’s necessary? Ninety percent of organic civilisations go extinct without bothering anybody, all on their own! There’s no real need to go squishing things. It’s just a few high-energy physics experiments running and the noise is hardly noticeable.”
“High energy physics?” Yy’wal exclaimed. “Humph!”
“Yes, yes…” Humphrey hemmed and hawed a moment. “It’s just… I don’t like squashing things much. They don’t feel pain like us but it still feels cruel. Besides, they’ve been on that planet for billions of years, I kind of feel they have a right to the place.”
Yy’wal pressed his hand over his eyes. “Fine. Just, fine. If you want to adopt organics then that’s your own business, just don’t come crying to me when they start trashing things.”
“Don’t be dramatic. They’ve been going for years without—“
A tinkling crash resounded through the space. Humphrey made a slow turn, dismay writ across his face as the walls around Sol crumbled.
“Oh dear, they’ve broken my light-barrier.”
Pics
Hey, this was cute and charming. Very well done, Author. If only you'd read the thing! Lucky for us, I read this on my phone, which made the formatting easier to get past.
But anyways, this is good. I liked how you were up front that the only way you could tell this story was by a tea & scones analogy, and that the characters—having been introduced as being of indescribable power—speak like any pricks eating scones. It's delightful, and the narration supports the scene so well the whole way through.
On the other hand...
I found myself wanting to know more about what I can't understand. As fun as it is to be told that what I'm seeing is only an analogy, there were times where your analogy gets really specific, which just made me wonder what was really going on. When you mentioned the tea, or the scones, the birthday cake, the office, etc., I started to wonder what those specific items represented in the "real" world. Psst, this is a good time for you to fill me in, or at least make a comedic attempt at doing so. Your analogy structure is charming, but it is still a bit of a cop-out, and I wonder if the laughs couldn't be elevated through some bits and pieces of what I can't understand.
Not that I know how that would work. It's just how I feel.
Also, this is just a minor, minor thing, but watch carefully when you end dialogue with a dash. The smart quotes end up facing the wrong way, because god hates everyone, but he especially hates authors.
But that's all I have to say. Thanks a lot for writing and best of luck in the shakedown!
But anyways, this is good. I liked how you were up front that the only way you could tell this story was by a tea & scones analogy, and that the characters—having been introduced as being of indescribable power—speak like any pricks eating scones. It's delightful, and the narration supports the scene so well the whole way through.
On the other hand...
I found myself wanting to know more about what I can't understand. As fun as it is to be told that what I'm seeing is only an analogy, there were times where your analogy gets really specific, which just made me wonder what was really going on. When you mentioned the tea, or the scones, the birthday cake, the office, etc., I started to wonder what those specific items represented in the "real" world. Psst, this is a good time for you to fill me in, or at least make a comedic attempt at doing so. Your analogy structure is charming, but it is still a bit of a cop-out, and I wonder if the laughs couldn't be elevated through some bits and pieces of what I can't understand.
Not that I know how that would work. It's just how I feel.
Also, this is just a minor, minor thing, but watch carefully when you end dialogue with a dash. The smart quotes end up facing the wrong way, because god hates everyone, but he especially hates authors.
But that's all I have to say. Thanks a lot for writing and best of luck in the shakedown!
I agree with the above comment about the paragraph spacing. It's a bit distracting but nothing that detracts from the story.
The story itself is absurd in a completely fun way. The fact that a cosmic horror entity can get all attached to humanity like a little house pet is cute.
You needed a few more tentacle jokes to send this one home.
But it's fun, and not a bad read.
The story itself is absurd in a completely fun way. The fact that a cosmic horror entity can get all attached to humanity like a little house pet is cute.
You needed a few more tentacle jokes to send this one home.
But it's fun, and not a bad read.
Like all the others already said, the absence of full line breaks makes the text rather stodgy and border unpalatable.
You tell us that the story is about evil sort of “gods”, but nowhere I see them being really “evil”. They rather seem to be mild, or even meek. You try to give us a sort of Lovecraftian twang, but Lovecraft’s gods seem way more ruthless and threatening.
So, yeah, the premise doesn’t correspond to what you deliver. Make, say, God speak with one of his peers over what he did with his private part of the universe and you get something much more coherent. Sure, you lose the aspect “look at that bad ass who softens when he sees how his universe has turned out”, but at present you don’t really build up on the fact they’re evil, so it doesn’t make sense telling us they are.
You tell us that the story is about evil sort of “gods”, but nowhere I see them being really “evil”. They rather seem to be mild, or even meek. You try to give us a sort of Lovecraftian twang, but Lovecraft’s gods seem way more ruthless and threatening.
So, yeah, the premise doesn’t correspond to what you deliver. Make, say, God speak with one of his peers over what he did with his private part of the universe and you get something much more coherent. Sure, you lose the aspect “look at that bad ass who softens when he sees how his universe has turned out”, but at present you don’t really build up on the fact they’re evil, so it doesn’t make sense telling us they are.
>>Hap
>>Miller Minus
>>georg
>>Whitbane
>>Monokeras
So this did better than expected :D Seriously, it's been a while since I did a mini-fic write-off, as pretty much everyone picked up on when I completely messed up the paragraph spacing. Ah well, given that that seemed to be the only major criticism I figured this story might be a bit of a sleeper hit and wasn't disappointed, which is good because I got pretty fond of good old Humph!
This story, as most of my good entries are, was an inspired piece. As in, I was sitting trying to come up with something to write and putting off cleaning up all the spiders than have infested my flat over the summer. I've always wondered what spiders think about us destroying their hard built webs. It was only a little jump to make the humans the annoying pests with some incomprehensible creature looking down on them, fretting about whether it was cruel to go about squishing them.
Anyway, thanks again everyone who voted and left a review. To answer a bit of specific feedback
It's a fair point. This probably needs a few more passes to be properly clever rather than just funny for the weirdness value. The original idea was that, despite the preface telling you the analogy is useless, it's actually exactly what's happening. That kind of fell flat a bit in the execution. Again, it needs some work to go from smart sounding to actually clever.
I'm not sure I ever said they were evil. The subversion of the Lovecraft trope is actually kind of the point. Humphrey isn't some benevolent god looking over the welfare of Humanity, but he really doesn't want to do anything proactive about the problem and has rationalised it away as a vague protective inclination. He's not acting in a moral way that we'd understanding, but practically he's still showing sympathy towards Humanity. Kind of like me and the spiders, I wasn't looking after them but by not doing the cleaning I was still helping them out.
Though, I did actually clean up the spiders in the end...
>>Miller Minus
>>georg
>>Whitbane
>>Monokeras
So this did better than expected :D Seriously, it's been a while since I did a mini-fic write-off, as pretty much everyone picked up on when I completely messed up the paragraph spacing. Ah well, given that that seemed to be the only major criticism I figured this story might be a bit of a sleeper hit and wasn't disappointed, which is good because I got pretty fond of good old Humph!
This story, as most of my good entries are, was an inspired piece. As in, I was sitting trying to come up with something to write and putting off cleaning up all the spiders than have infested my flat over the summer. I've always wondered what spiders think about us destroying their hard built webs. It was only a little jump to make the humans the annoying pests with some incomprehensible creature looking down on them, fretting about whether it was cruel to go about squishing them.
Anyway, thanks again everyone who voted and left a review. To answer a bit of specific feedback
Your analogy structure is charming, but it is still a bit of a cop-out, and I wonder if the laughs couldn't be elevated through some bits and pieces of what I can't understand.
It's a fair point. This probably needs a few more passes to be properly clever rather than just funny for the weirdness value. The original idea was that, despite the preface telling you the analogy is useless, it's actually exactly what's happening. That kind of fell flat a bit in the execution. Again, it needs some work to go from smart sounding to actually clever.
You tell us that the story is about evil sort of “gods”, but nowhere I see them being really “evil”. They rather seem to be mild, or even meek. You try to give us a sort of Lovecraftian twang, but Lovecraft’s gods seem way more ruthless and threatening.
I'm not sure I ever said they were evil. The subversion of the Lovecraft trope is actually kind of the point. Humphrey isn't some benevolent god looking over the welfare of Humanity, but he really doesn't want to do anything proactive about the problem and has rationalised it away as a vague protective inclination. He's not acting in a moral way that we'd understanding, but practically he's still showing sympathy towards Humanity. Kind of like me and the spiders, I wasn't looking after them but by not doing the cleaning I was still helping them out.
Though, I did actually clean up the spiders in the end...