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The Glimmer In The Silence
Once more she got caught in a thornbush, and once more she cursed her stupid bravado.
Oh, how her sister had sparkled when she asked where all the clackers had gone. Why, her sister wasn't scared of the quiet, and didn't need a clacker just to get a snack! So yet again she'd let her fool pride beat out sense, and went off to the orchard without any source of sound while the sun was nearing its set. And as any idiot could have warned her, she got lost.
Judging by the melodies of the stars above, the sun had set nearly an eighth of its cycle prior, and its sound had long since faded. If she were in the open the starsound might be enough to navigate by, but the trees bounced and scattered their faint echos until her hearing couldn't make out even the biggest trunks. The only way she could hope to notice anything before brushing into it was to see the faint glints made by the creatures of the silence as they moved about, and none of them were obliging.
Then the glimmering started, and she wished they still weren't obliging.
She froze in her attempts to extricate herself, and didn't flicker in fear, but it was a close thing. She'd only ever seen that distinctive light through the safety of a window, and seeing it in the open was a far different experience. The trees around her caught and refracted the light until it came from everywhere at once, and left her with only the vaguest idea of where the pack was.
And then another pack joined in, one unquestionably closer, and she did flicker in fear.
Before she could think, she tore herself free from the thorns and hastened as quick as she could, heedless of the rips they left in her sides. It took her a moment to conquer her instincts – too long. Everyone knew that wolves had extremely acute senses, and could taste the static charge left by a quickly slithering body from great distances. She could only hope that they were too far away to notice the trail she'd left in her mindless rush.
For a time, it seemed as if luck was in her favor. Even the glimmering was a boon, just enough to help her avoid some of the obstacles in her path despite the dazzling way it shifted as it was caught by the trees. But then the glimmering became excited, and quickly grew brighter.
In desperation she raced for the nearest tree, on the slim chance that she might be able to climb to safety. Their smooth trunks were normally impossible to scale, but if one were damaged the cracks in its crystal could just barely suffice. It was better than the vain hope that she might somehow outflee a pack.
She was still running her body over the second tree she tried when the forest reached out and touched her.
She flashed bright in startled terror, and curled into a ball, then waited for the end.
But the end didn't seem to be forthcoming. Several times a wolf tasted her directly, and each time she flinched away from its touch. But then... nothing.
The glimmering calmed, and then began to dim. It was so surprising that she unthinkingly uncurled to get a better look, though of course that was pointless – the way the glimmering played off the trees was far too dazzling to let anyone get more than a vague impression of a wolf's location, even if they were practically touching. But its rapid fading left her no doubt that the wolves had decided to move on, and left her incredulously hopeful that she might live to hear another sunrise after all.
And if she did, she was never going to go anywhere without a clacker again, no matter how much her sister sparkled about it.
Oh, how her sister had sparkled when she asked where all the clackers had gone. Why, her sister wasn't scared of the quiet, and didn't need a clacker just to get a snack! So yet again she'd let her fool pride beat out sense, and went off to the orchard without any source of sound while the sun was nearing its set. And as any idiot could have warned her, she got lost.
Judging by the melodies of the stars above, the sun had set nearly an eighth of its cycle prior, and its sound had long since faded. If she were in the open the starsound might be enough to navigate by, but the trees bounced and scattered their faint echos until her hearing couldn't make out even the biggest trunks. The only way she could hope to notice anything before brushing into it was to see the faint glints made by the creatures of the silence as they moved about, and none of them were obliging.
Then the glimmering started, and she wished they still weren't obliging.
She froze in her attempts to extricate herself, and didn't flicker in fear, but it was a close thing. She'd only ever seen that distinctive light through the safety of a window, and seeing it in the open was a far different experience. The trees around her caught and refracted the light until it came from everywhere at once, and left her with only the vaguest idea of where the pack was.
And then another pack joined in, one unquestionably closer, and she did flicker in fear.
Before she could think, she tore herself free from the thorns and hastened as quick as she could, heedless of the rips they left in her sides. It took her a moment to conquer her instincts – too long. Everyone knew that wolves had extremely acute senses, and could taste the static charge left by a quickly slithering body from great distances. She could only hope that they were too far away to notice the trail she'd left in her mindless rush.
For a time, it seemed as if luck was in her favor. Even the glimmering was a boon, just enough to help her avoid some of the obstacles in her path despite the dazzling way it shifted as it was caught by the trees. But then the glimmering became excited, and quickly grew brighter.
In desperation she raced for the nearest tree, on the slim chance that she might be able to climb to safety. Their smooth trunks were normally impossible to scale, but if one were damaged the cracks in its crystal could just barely suffice. It was better than the vain hope that she might somehow outflee a pack.
She was still running her body over the second tree she tried when the forest reached out and touched her.
She flashed bright in startled terror, and curled into a ball, then waited for the end.
But the end didn't seem to be forthcoming. Several times a wolf tasted her directly, and each time she flinched away from its touch. But then... nothing.
The glimmering calmed, and then began to dim. It was so surprising that she unthinkingly uncurled to get a better look, though of course that was pointless – the way the glimmering played off the trees was far too dazzling to let anyone get more than a vague impression of a wolf's location, even if they were practically touching. But its rapid fading left her no doubt that the wolves had decided to move on, and left her incredulously hopeful that she might live to hear another sunrise after all.
And if she did, she was never going to go anywhere without a clacker again, no matter how much her sister sparkled about it.
Pics
Alright, time to take a swing at this.
The idea of portraying all the sounds in the story as light and vice versa is pretty neat; you've basically taken the prompt and turned it upside down. I wouldn't say it's a novel approach, but it's something that definitely improved my perception of the story after giving it another few more times. The vagueness of it all definitely did leave me a little frustrated at first, though I can come out and say that without it, the story might not work as well as when it's obvious the first time around, so props to you, author!
If anything, I wished the concept could be delved into more. You've left me wondering how the howling and growling of the wolves would look like, or how the moonlight sifting through the leaves as our protagonist rushed through the woods would sound like. It may surpass the word count, surely, but I argue that they could be implemented in place of some of the more 'telly' parts of the story.
Which brings me to the one gripe I had with this entry.
The narrative of the story seems to be a single chase scene through the forest because the protagonist wants a bit of fruit. It's a simple and straightforward approach — justifiable, again, considering the word limit. I had wished you'd build upon the concept with the narrative, though that approach would be difficult considering the word count. On the contrary, even with that in mind, I believe the narrative isn't simple enough, to be frank.
I don't think it's to the story's merit that we need to know the 'why' and 'how' she got into this situation, nor is it important to focus too much on the environment— the one paragraph that goes into detail about the tree's bark sticks out like a sore thumb for me. I also think you don't have to outright identify the antagonist as being wolves as well; if it's something left to our imagination, I believe it would amp up the fear factor a little and would allow you to be a bit creative with the descriptions a little.
Also, the ending.
Maybe it's me, but the ending was close to contradictory to the tone of the story that you've set so far. I would rather see the doom of our protagonist be described with the lights and sounds approach. How would you craft an image of death using the distorted instruments of light and sound, I wonder? It also doesn't function narratively: you mentioned several times a wolf tasted her directly, yet somehow, they just ignore it as if she's a mushroom in the middle of the forest. I would think wolves with their acute senses could smell the blood from the cuts in her skin and recognize the taste of warm breathing flesh as well.
Overall, it's a neat story with a wonderful concept that's unfortunately dragged a little too far down by its narrative. I do hope some of my fellow writers would give further insight into some things I've missed and would love to hear their opinions on this piece, cause I think the ideas being toyed with here are interesting.
Best of luck to you!
The idea of portraying all the sounds in the story as light and vice versa is pretty neat; you've basically taken the prompt and turned it upside down. I wouldn't say it's a novel approach, but it's something that definitely improved my perception of the story after giving it another few more times. The vagueness of it all definitely did leave me a little frustrated at first, though I can come out and say that without it, the story might not work as well as when it's obvious the first time around, so props to you, author!
If anything, I wished the concept could be delved into more. You've left me wondering how the howling and growling of the wolves would look like, or how the moonlight sifting through the leaves as our protagonist rushed through the woods would sound like. It may surpass the word count, surely, but I argue that they could be implemented in place of some of the more 'telly' parts of the story.
Which brings me to the one gripe I had with this entry.
The narrative of the story seems to be a single chase scene through the forest because the protagonist wants a bit of fruit. It's a simple and straightforward approach — justifiable, again, considering the word limit. I had wished you'd build upon the concept with the narrative, though that approach would be difficult considering the word count. On the contrary, even with that in mind, I believe the narrative isn't simple enough, to be frank.
I don't think it's to the story's merit that we need to know the 'why' and 'how' she got into this situation, nor is it important to focus too much on the environment— the one paragraph that goes into detail about the tree's bark sticks out like a sore thumb for me. I also think you don't have to outright identify the antagonist as being wolves as well; if it's something left to our imagination, I believe it would amp up the fear factor a little and would allow you to be a bit creative with the descriptions a little.
Also, the ending.
Maybe it's me, but the ending was close to contradictory to the tone of the story that you've set so far. I would rather see the doom of our protagonist be described with the lights and sounds approach. How would you craft an image of death using the distorted instruments of light and sound, I wonder? It also doesn't function narratively: you mentioned several times a wolf tasted her directly, yet somehow, they just ignore it as if she's a mushroom in the middle of the forest. I would think wolves with their acute senses could smell the blood from the cuts in her skin and recognize the taste of warm breathing flesh as well.
Overall, it's a neat story with a wonderful concept that's unfortunately dragged a little too far down by its narrative. I do hope some of my fellow writers would give further insight into some things I've missed and would love to hear their opinions on this piece, cause I think the ideas being toyed with here are interesting.
Best of luck to you!
Hey, Author, how are you? Sorry your story didn't get a lot of attention this round, but it's great that >>WritingSpirit was able to stop by and analyze this. It makes it easier to piggyback.
I'm on the fence about Spirit's review, on the whole; there are parts I agree and disagree with. Like him, I had to give this story a second go before I could tell what was happening. A little bit of that is the heavy, purple-y prose, but the concept is also quite tough to pick up. But I will point out that, when a difficult Sci-fi concept is used in a novel or short story, it usually takes more than 750 words before the reader can settle into the concept anyways, so we can go ahead and blame the contest. Stupid minifics. (Would this have been better in a SS round?)
BTW, if you do want to bring the reader in earlier, one option would be to have the protagonist bring the clacker with them, successfully use it to ward away danger, and then subsequently lose it. Something like that would help us get what's going on while also adding extra tension to the chase.
But the concept is neat! And ambitious, which is always nice to see. The only problem is that if you strip the concept away from the story, it can still be told the same way. Being chased through the woods by wolves is something that can happen in this world, and by my reading, having the wolves' light tell our hero where not to go isn't much different than having their growls give her the same info. If you want to really elevate your idea, make it more crucial to the plotline.
I agree with Spirit that the tree bark description sticks out like a sore thumb, but I think that's because the crystal trees weren't clearly introduced earlier. I don't know about other readers, but that was the first time I heard that the trees were made of crystal. But! I do want to highlight this part because the foreign environment is crucial to the plot. Crystal trees are hard to climb because they're so smooth, but thank God, some of them are damaged and can be climbed! That's what I was wishing there was more of with the light.
Now, I wouldn't say that the tone of the story is contradicted by the ending, just that the ending has no explanation. The story is mysterious and intriguing thanks to your concept, and the wolves' reaction is mysterious and intriguing as well. But we need some answers, or better yet some hints! Why've they given up? It kind of undermines her conviction to never forget her clacker again, because it's almost as if the wolves not being interested is pre-ordained.
The only other thing I want to say is that, for a scene that's meant to be so tense, the narration is kind of betraying you, because it's taking too long to explain things. That, and there are a lot of adverbs. Not that those are sins in writing, but they should be used more sparingly than this. The way I think of it, adverbs should only be used if they're absolutely necessary, or if you want to describe something quick and dirty in order to keep the pace up.
But that's enough outta me. Good luck to you, Author, and Godspeed!
I'm on the fence about Spirit's review, on the whole; there are parts I agree and disagree with. Like him, I had to give this story a second go before I could tell what was happening. A little bit of that is the heavy, purple-y prose, but the concept is also quite tough to pick up. But I will point out that, when a difficult Sci-fi concept is used in a novel or short story, it usually takes more than 750 words before the reader can settle into the concept anyways, so we can go ahead and blame the contest. Stupid minifics. (Would this have been better in a SS round?)
BTW, if you do want to bring the reader in earlier, one option would be to have the protagonist bring the clacker with them, successfully use it to ward away danger, and then subsequently lose it. Something like that would help us get what's going on while also adding extra tension to the chase.
But the concept is neat! And ambitious, which is always nice to see. The only problem is that if you strip the concept away from the story, it can still be told the same way. Being chased through the woods by wolves is something that can happen in this world, and by my reading, having the wolves' light tell our hero where not to go isn't much different than having their growls give her the same info. If you want to really elevate your idea, make it more crucial to the plotline.
I agree with Spirit that the tree bark description sticks out like a sore thumb, but I think that's because the crystal trees weren't clearly introduced earlier. I don't know about other readers, but that was the first time I heard that the trees were made of crystal. But! I do want to highlight this part because the foreign environment is crucial to the plot. Crystal trees are hard to climb because they're so smooth, but thank God, some of them are damaged and can be climbed! That's what I was wishing there was more of with the light.
Now, I wouldn't say that the tone of the story is contradicted by the ending, just that the ending has no explanation. The story is mysterious and intriguing thanks to your concept, and the wolves' reaction is mysterious and intriguing as well. But we need some answers, or better yet some hints! Why've they given up? It kind of undermines her conviction to never forget her clacker again, because it's almost as if the wolves not being interested is pre-ordained.
The only other thing I want to say is that, for a scene that's meant to be so tense, the narration is kind of betraying you, because it's taking too long to explain things. That, and there are a lot of adverbs. Not that those are sins in writing, but they should be used more sparingly than this. The way I think of it, adverbs should only be used if they're absolutely necessary, or if you want to describe something quick and dirty in order to keep the pace up.
But that's enough outta me. Good luck to you, Author, and Godspeed!