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Musings From a Lonely Boy
I want to die.
I’m lying awake in my bed, stewing as I recall the day’s events. Something sort of bad happened to me today at school, but it wasn’t all that interesting, just some dumb thing someone did to me that's not worth the story. It wasn’t a big deal, really.
I want to die.
I sound so melodramatic. But it’s not the little thing that happened to me today that’s the problem. Maybe I’m the problem. Like I’m stressing myself out over nothing? I don’t know. This isn’t making sense.
Let me think about how to put it.
Whenever I fail, it’s because I’m not “enough.” When a girl turns me down, it’s because I wasn’t smooth enough. When my friends don’t want to hang out, it’s because I’m not cool enough. When I don’t make the grades I wanted, it’s because I didn’t work hard enough.
And not being “enough” is okay if it happens maybe one or two times. Everyone strikes out once in a while. It becomes a problem when I can never get a hit. It’s like playing a game where every card I draw is “Go back to start.”
So I start thinking I’m the problem. Everything becomes my fault. There was a right answer and I didn’t pick it. If only I was more “x.” If only I wasn’t so “y.” I hate that I’m “y” and just want to stop being “y” so I can be “x.” Sounds stupid, I know, but whatever.
Fuck it. I give up. Talking about this is stupid.
I want to die.
It’s not like I’m gonna go out and kill myself or anything crazy like that. I just want to die a little, okay? It’s not like I really want to die, like actually take a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I just like the idea of dying, without all the shitty real-world consequences.
I want to die, but just for a little bit.
But I can’t. The world keeps going whether I want it to or not, and it sucks. I still have to get up and do the same old grind tomorrow, and the world doesn’t care if I’m feeling bad this particular night.
I bet there are lot of people just like me. Maybe not for the same reasons, but for with same feeling. I never hear about it, but I know they must be out there. They keep it all locked up inside, careful not to let out. Maybe everyone does, and we just never talk about it?
I mean, I get it. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and showing weakness is just asking for someone to fuck with you. Sometimes I wish we’d just drop the bullshit, though. We should just admit this whole life thing isn’t going exactly how we want it to, we’re not all the happy, successful people we pretend we are on social media, and that’s fine.
That’s not never gonna happen, though.
There’s this old poem they had us read in English. I don’t remember the name, but there’s a couple lines where the guy is just shouting “I’m with you!” to his buddy over and over again. Those lines always got me, because they let his friend know he wasn’t alone. That he cared.
So, to all the folks lying in bed awake, I’m with you!
To all the folks that think they aren’t enough, I’m with you!
To all the folks who want to die, I’m with you!
I’m lying awake in my bed, stewing as I recall the day’s events. Something sort of bad happened to me today at school, but it wasn’t all that interesting, just some dumb thing someone did to me that's not worth the story. It wasn’t a big deal, really.
I want to die.
I sound so melodramatic. But it’s not the little thing that happened to me today that’s the problem. Maybe I’m the problem. Like I’m stressing myself out over nothing? I don’t know. This isn’t making sense.
Let me think about how to put it.
Whenever I fail, it’s because I’m not “enough.” When a girl turns me down, it’s because I wasn’t smooth enough. When my friends don’t want to hang out, it’s because I’m not cool enough. When I don’t make the grades I wanted, it’s because I didn’t work hard enough.
And not being “enough” is okay if it happens maybe one or two times. Everyone strikes out once in a while. It becomes a problem when I can never get a hit. It’s like playing a game where every card I draw is “Go back to start.”
So I start thinking I’m the problem. Everything becomes my fault. There was a right answer and I didn’t pick it. If only I was more “x.” If only I wasn’t so “y.” I hate that I’m “y” and just want to stop being “y” so I can be “x.” Sounds stupid, I know, but whatever.
Fuck it. I give up. Talking about this is stupid.
I want to die.
It’s not like I’m gonna go out and kill myself or anything crazy like that. I just want to die a little, okay? It’s not like I really want to die, like actually take a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I just like the idea of dying, without all the shitty real-world consequences.
I want to die, but just for a little bit.
But I can’t. The world keeps going whether I want it to or not, and it sucks. I still have to get up and do the same old grind tomorrow, and the world doesn’t care if I’m feeling bad this particular night.
I bet there are lot of people just like me. Maybe not for the same reasons, but for with same feeling. I never hear about it, but I know they must be out there. They keep it all locked up inside, careful not to let out. Maybe everyone does, and we just never talk about it?
I mean, I get it. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and showing weakness is just asking for someone to fuck with you. Sometimes I wish we’d just drop the bullshit, though. We should just admit this whole life thing isn’t going exactly how we want it to, we’re not all the happy, successful people we pretend we are on social media, and that’s fine.
That’s not never gonna happen, though.
There’s this old poem they had us read in English. I don’t remember the name, but there’s a couple lines where the guy is just shouting “I’m with you!” to his buddy over and over again. Those lines always got me, because they let his friend know he wasn’t alone. That he cared.
So, to all the folks lying in bed awake, I’m with you!
To all the folks that think they aren’t enough, I’m with you!
To all the folks who want to die, I’m with you!
Even if:
This is just Aragon trolling us all again, it's still going high on my list because of both the narrator's self-awareness and his reaching out at the end, neither of which was an element in any of the "teen angst" writing I did 40 years ago. And, well, it's another non-lupine take on the prompt!
Mike
This is just Aragon trolling us all again, it's still going high on my list because of both the narrator's self-awareness and his reaching out at the end, neither of which was an element in any of the "teen angst" writing I did 40 years ago. And, well, it's another non-lupine take on the prompt!
Mike
My reaction was pretty close to >>Baal Bunny here. It's really easy to have a knee-jerk reaction that this is "cringey" but I think it's clever and self-aware enough as a whole. It does go somewhere by the end, though some readers may prematurely dismiss it from its opening.
Coming to this immediately after writing >>Haze, I think it might be useful to compare the stories. Even though I enjoy the other one more for its atmosphere, I personally think this is stronger in regards to what I said about theme and subtlety. Though it could develop the character a little more, since he won't tell us any of the specifics (hrmmm: that could be intentionally used in an interesting way? like if it's more clear that he's avoiding certain topics and details). At least for the first few paragraphs, we need a hook that this is a relatable person and not just a stereotype.
Clumsy has a lot of discussion going on, which actually makes it fun to try to work out its strengths and flaws. This one has been totally quiet, so it's really hard to tell if others reacted the same as me and Mike. I hope more people can chime in, even if it's just a short comment.
Coming to this immediately after writing >>Haze, I think it might be useful to compare the stories. Even though I enjoy the other one more for its atmosphere, I personally think this is stronger in regards to what I said about theme and subtlety. Though it could develop the character a little more, since he won't tell us any of the specifics (hrmmm: that could be intentionally used in an interesting way? like if it's more clear that he's avoiding certain topics and details). At least for the first few paragraphs, we need a hook that this is a relatable person and not just a stereotype.
Clumsy has a lot of discussion going on, which actually makes it fun to try to work out its strengths and flaws. This one has been totally quiet, so it's really hard to tell if others reacted the same as me and Mike. I hope more people can chime in, even if it's just a short comment.
>>Haze
I agree that the ending is what makes the story; at the start it sounds a bit -- sorry, Author -- generic: woe is me, never enough, ain't life hard, etcetera.
But then it gets going, and the ending has sonority and it's not something I've seen before much. This story to me it's a clear example of "lower half of the ballot" (not on my slate, though, Author, so at least I ain't draggin you down, woohoo, we all win) because it has some ideas going on but i do think it needs polish yet to shine for real.
Structure is a bit wonky? The ending makes the story but it comes a bit late so it feels tacked on. This is a story in the form of abstract rambling, but precisely because of that you can't make it too rambly; as Haze said above, if the start is too wild and scattered, many might shrug it off.
I recommend sticking to one idea and developing it, and it alone -- give the story more thematic consistency. As it stays, in 750 words you mention dying, not being alone, not being enough, and thr poem. It's a bit scattered, as I said. I like the ending and the subtle tone switch it does, but I think what comes right before that needs to be a bit grounded.
I agree that the ending is what makes the story; at the start it sounds a bit -- sorry, Author -- generic: woe is me, never enough, ain't life hard, etcetera.
But then it gets going, and the ending has sonority and it's not something I've seen before much. This story to me it's a clear example of "lower half of the ballot" (not on my slate, though, Author, so at least I ain't draggin you down, woohoo, we all win) because it has some ideas going on but i do think it needs polish yet to shine for real.
Structure is a bit wonky? The ending makes the story but it comes a bit late so it feels tacked on. This is a story in the form of abstract rambling, but precisely because of that you can't make it too rambly; as Haze said above, if the start is too wild and scattered, many might shrug it off.
I recommend sticking to one idea and developing it, and it alone -- give the story more thematic consistency. As it stays, in 750 words you mention dying, not being alone, not being enough, and thr poem. It's a bit scattered, as I said. I like the ending and the subtle tone switch it does, but I think what comes right before that needs to be a bit grounded.
What an ending! I was with you the entire piece – there's something about these sort of angsty depictions of teen depression that I'm a sucker for – but the sincerity in that ending is wonderful.
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
I'm sort of the opposite. There's something about the genre that rubs me the wrong way. Between that and the author's choice of a risky style, I'm not a fan.
The ending came off like a TV ad, where the sad character takes the miracle drug or buys a car or whatever, then puts on a fancy hat and strolls straight towards the camera with a smile as the drab scenery rolls off stage to reveal green grass and picket fences.
The author has clearly written something that resonates with some folks, but I'm not one of those folks.
I'm sort of the opposite. There's something about the genre that rubs me the wrong way. Between that and the author's choice of a risky style, I'm not a fan.
The ending came off like a TV ad, where the sad character takes the miracle drug or buys a car or whatever, then puts on a fancy hat and strolls straight towards the camera with a smile as the drab scenery rolls off stage to reveal green grass and picket fences.
The author has clearly written something that resonates with some folks, but I'm not one of those folks.
>>Baal Bunny
>>Haze
>>Aragon
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Hap
NOBODY EXPECTS THE CASSIUS.
Much like I've stated on Clumsy, an entry like this comes with a split in the audience. There are some people who enjoy this sort of thing and some people who don't. I've always been the type to take my lumps over this and recognize my entries are written to a niche audience, but I was pleasantly surprised to win most controversial this round, especially since Clumsy was such a larger point of contention and visibility during the competition.
Obviously there are some more lumps you take when writing in such a heavily perspectival format; the writing isn't precisely clear and deals with a set of loosely connected free form ideas similar to a free association exercise rather that something neatly and cleanly tied together by a concrete transitions.
As such, I was on the look out for several bits of critique to see if I accomplished my goal of what I set out to do with this entry, mainly those that were saying my voicing was off for someone or that the story itself was hard understand, which basically didn't manifest. I didn't have any qualms about jostling the reader out early under the initial understanding that the story was "angsty" because that perception (and dismissiveness of the reader) is an underpinning which sells the "twist" of the conclusion—which is to say the narrator is actually more self-aware and matured than what is initially implied. That's the "arc" of the story, the narrator developing a sense of empathy and solidarity, having that epiphany moment about that world around him.
My intentions with this piece were very sincere and the piece itself I believe is the result of me trying to frame certain thoughts and emotions I've had myself during an age where it's difficult to make sense of those emotions or empathize with other people. I think a good amount of people keyed into the emotional legitimacy of what I was writing and found the experience relatable (esp. >>Aragon who repeatedly expressed anxiety of critiquing this entry for fear it might upset me) and that makes me feel like I did justice to those sulky teenaged thoughts and feelings.
I feel like I satisfied most of what I set out to do with this entry, impressed the people who I wanted to impress, and did it well enough to make finals despite writing in a highly non-traditional, loose format. Can't ask for much more than that.
I appreciate the kind words from everyone.
>>Aragon
But AndrewRogue told me it was a "clear finalist." Are you calling AndrewRogue a liar?
Also someone told me the protagonist sounded like Regidar, so from now on, the narrator is now Regidar.
>>Haze
>>Aragon
>>Dubs_Rewatcher
>>Hap
NOBODY EXPECTS THE CASSIUS.
Much like I've stated on Clumsy, an entry like this comes with a split in the audience. There are some people who enjoy this sort of thing and some people who don't. I've always been the type to take my lumps over this and recognize my entries are written to a niche audience, but I was pleasantly surprised to win most controversial this round, especially since Clumsy was such a larger point of contention and visibility during the competition.
Obviously there are some more lumps you take when writing in such a heavily perspectival format; the writing isn't precisely clear and deals with a set of loosely connected free form ideas similar to a free association exercise rather that something neatly and cleanly tied together by a concrete transitions.
As such, I was on the look out for several bits of critique to see if I accomplished my goal of what I set out to do with this entry, mainly those that were saying my voicing was off for someone or that the story itself was hard understand, which basically didn't manifest. I didn't have any qualms about jostling the reader out early under the initial understanding that the story was "angsty" because that perception (and dismissiveness of the reader) is an underpinning which sells the "twist" of the conclusion—which is to say the narrator is actually more self-aware and matured than what is initially implied. That's the "arc" of the story, the narrator developing a sense of empathy and solidarity, having that epiphany moment about that world around him.
My intentions with this piece were very sincere and the piece itself I believe is the result of me trying to frame certain thoughts and emotions I've had myself during an age where it's difficult to make sense of those emotions or empathize with other people. I think a good amount of people keyed into the emotional legitimacy of what I was writing and found the experience relatable (esp. >>Aragon who repeatedly expressed anxiety of critiquing this entry for fear it might upset me) and that makes me feel like I did justice to those sulky teenaged thoughts and feelings.
I feel like I satisfied most of what I set out to do with this entry, impressed the people who I wanted to impress, and did it well enough to make finals despite writing in a highly non-traditional, loose format. Can't ask for much more than that.
I appreciate the kind words from everyone.
>>Aragon
This story to me it's a clear example of "lower half of the ballot"
But AndrewRogue told me it was a "clear finalist." Are you calling AndrewRogue a liar?
Also someone told me the protagonist sounded like Regidar, so from now on, the narrator is now Regidar.