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An Estate
The howl comes every night without fail. Urging me out into the woods, to the trees beyond the gates of my ancestral estate. Calling, calling, calling. It reaches to my skin and pulls hard, tearing away to the bone beneath. My flesh wants only to answer but I know better. The call is not something to be answered. I do not truly know what would happen should I venture outside into the cold, but my instincts tell me the fate met there would be a grim one.
The noise started a year ago, the night after my husband passed away. Since then I have tried everything imaginable to cover up the awful sound, but it penetrates every board, every swath of fabric and every material I have tried to wrap myself in. I’ve asked those who help maintain my ancestral home if they ever heard anything but after several dismissive comments and looks I stopped asking.
I laid awake in my bed one night, bracing for the cry once more as I did every night. I waited and waited but was granted only the silence I had wanted for years. I couldn’t not sleep that night, for fear it would come the second I closed my eyes. But it never came.
I carried myself through the day shaky and paranoid, worried someone would say something. I was but a lonely widow- It would not take many words from my help to see me placed in a mental ward. I hoped the following night would go better but it did not. Nights of silence spilled into weeks and I grew increasingly frantic. Why had the howling stopped, what had changed? I needed answers.
I left the house on a foggy cold night in search of my old constant. The sting of the air on my bare arms made me want for a coat but the darkness was enticing. I walked further and further out beyond the grassy rolling hills of the estate to the edges of the trees. I was freezing but I needed to find what had happened to the creature that had called for me for so long.
The trees were tall and close together, closer than I remembered. Snow clung to their thin branches, reflecting moonlight as I walked ever onwards. My heart was searching in the dark for what I felt could be there. The air was silent, but I could sense that draw once more. I came to a clearing and stopped in my tracks.
A large canid beast loomed over me, its peppered fur glowing like the snow-covered trees. I felt at peace in its presence, in the warmth that emanated from it. I opened my mouth to speak but could not think of the right words to say to it. I had been so alone for the last year, so afraid of my future without my husband at my side. I fear that no longer.
“Thank you.” I said.
A howl pierced the night and I was happy.
The noise started a year ago, the night after my husband passed away. Since then I have tried everything imaginable to cover up the awful sound, but it penetrates every board, every swath of fabric and every material I have tried to wrap myself in. I’ve asked those who help maintain my ancestral home if they ever heard anything but after several dismissive comments and looks I stopped asking.
I laid awake in my bed one night, bracing for the cry once more as I did every night. I waited and waited but was granted only the silence I had wanted for years. I couldn’t not sleep that night, for fear it would come the second I closed my eyes. But it never came.
I carried myself through the day shaky and paranoid, worried someone would say something. I was but a lonely widow- It would not take many words from my help to see me placed in a mental ward. I hoped the following night would go better but it did not. Nights of silence spilled into weeks and I grew increasingly frantic. Why had the howling stopped, what had changed? I needed answers.
I left the house on a foggy cold night in search of my old constant. The sting of the air on my bare arms made me want for a coat but the darkness was enticing. I walked further and further out beyond the grassy rolling hills of the estate to the edges of the trees. I was freezing but I needed to find what had happened to the creature that had called for me for so long.
The trees were tall and close together, closer than I remembered. Snow clung to their thin branches, reflecting moonlight as I walked ever onwards. My heart was searching in the dark for what I felt could be there. The air was silent, but I could sense that draw once more. I came to a clearing and stopped in my tracks.
A large canid beast loomed over me, its peppered fur glowing like the snow-covered trees. I felt at peace in its presence, in the warmth that emanated from it. I opened my mouth to speak but could not think of the right words to say to it. I had been so alone for the last year, so afraid of my future without my husband at my side. I fear that no longer.
“Thank you.” I said.
A howl pierced the night and I was happy.
Pics
I liked this. It could be just that I'm gettin' just a little bit wary of these werewolf stories at this point, but I did see the twist coming when the husband was mentioned.
Overall, this is another entry that is competently written and does what it wants to do, and I can respect that. I suppose what would have helped me get more into would be a little bit more of a connection between the husband's death and his current state. At the moment, he has simply passed away. So how did he get to where he is now?
But that's all I have to say. Well done and good luck!
Overall, this is another entry that is competently written and does what it wants to do, and I can respect that. I suppose what would have helped me get more into would be a little bit more of a connection between the husband's death and his current state. At the moment, he has simply passed away. So how did he get to where he is now?
But that's all I have to say. Well done and good luck!
The wolf is the reincarnated husband, right? I think I got the twist. The problem is that the story is so coy about revealing it explicitly that I still doubt that interpretation; it could just be a comforting spirit, for all I know. Maybe a sign or a small clue would have helped the twist feel more concrete and satisfying?
There are a few technical hiccups, which don't help the reading experience much. For instance, "couldn't not" sticks out like a sore thumb, and "canid beast" reads a little awkwardly. "Canine beast" or "canid" would flow much more smoothly, though "wolf" or even "dog" would probably be most straightforward; as it is, jamming two nouns together comes across as clunky, as if you couldn't decide which you liked more. Lastly, I swear some sentences need commas to break them up, because they seem a little too long as-is.
More to the point, there are some intriguing ambivalences in the widow's reaction to the howl, but they seem to be managed a little clumsily. The good stuff first: the most obvious contrast is between the temptation of the howl and the wife's fear of it; that's a good way to build intrigue. Is it dangerous or is it safe? That makes the reader want to find out by reading more! So well done for setting up the conflict so elegantly. And then later the widow actually explores the terrain after the howl vanishes; I liked how she wondered why the howl stopped because, it being so enigmatic, I'd be curious too. I was right there alongside her, curious to see what would happen next. It also ties the husband's death neatly into the ending, bringing us full circle. It's like a folk tale. (Obviously, I'm assuming the husband is the wolf here).
Now for the bad stuff: I think more could have been done to keep that ambivalence going. At the start, the widow is frightened of bad things happening if she lets the howl draw her out. But when the howl disappears, there's no sign in the story that she ever feared it. She seems curious, yes, but there should be something about how she resists going out still because she's still afraid, only for curiosity to get the better of her (or perhaps she's more frightened of the loss of sound). I think more inner conflict needs adding here, because the current fic feels too straightforward in getting her to investigate, too conflict-free. One thing a story should do is capitalize on the conflict it sets up, for as long as it can.
The other thing that bothers me is why, if the wolf's identity is so innocuous, it creeped her out earlier. I know it's sort of obligatory for a supernatural thing (such as a spirit) to not have straightforward communication between themselves and mortals, and it's probably against the mysterious tone of the fic to spell things out. Still, I feel a little explanation would have helped me emotionally connect with the fic more, since even a reader's emotions need to understand what's going on before they can emote. Showing is all very well, but compelling imagery can be vague and ambiguous to a fault.
Lastly, I think the story leaves things unexplained deliberately, which is fair enough for an eerie, supernatural-like story like this. But I would have liked some earlier indication that this was indeed a supernatural story. Perhaps to reinforce the unnerving atmosphere, you could have the widow speculate on what it is rather than just be generically uncertain of it. Delve into the possibilities: Could it be a demon wolf coming into her part of the world? Could it be a ghost? Or a local legend? If you're gunning for mystical mystery, add flavour early on. It also guides the reader into realizing what genre they're operating in.
I know I'm being harsh on this one, and a lot of this is likely down to my own tastes and quirks than anything inherent in the fic. I'm trying to pin down why I feel this is an interesting if overall unremarkable fic, though, namely for your benefit. It's not terrible, and it's at least easy to see what you're aiming for (and to approve of it). I think a bit of clarity would make it stronger, though, and the presentation is mainly what it lacks, not the concept.
There are a few technical hiccups, which don't help the reading experience much. For instance, "couldn't not" sticks out like a sore thumb, and "canid beast" reads a little awkwardly. "Canine beast" or "canid" would flow much more smoothly, though "wolf" or even "dog" would probably be most straightforward; as it is, jamming two nouns together comes across as clunky, as if you couldn't decide which you liked more. Lastly, I swear some sentences need commas to break them up, because they seem a little too long as-is.
More to the point, there are some intriguing ambivalences in the widow's reaction to the howl, but they seem to be managed a little clumsily. The good stuff first: the most obvious contrast is between the temptation of the howl and the wife's fear of it; that's a good way to build intrigue. Is it dangerous or is it safe? That makes the reader want to find out by reading more! So well done for setting up the conflict so elegantly. And then later the widow actually explores the terrain after the howl vanishes; I liked how she wondered why the howl stopped because, it being so enigmatic, I'd be curious too. I was right there alongside her, curious to see what would happen next. It also ties the husband's death neatly into the ending, bringing us full circle. It's like a folk tale. (Obviously, I'm assuming the husband is the wolf here).
Now for the bad stuff: I think more could have been done to keep that ambivalence going. At the start, the widow is frightened of bad things happening if she lets the howl draw her out. But when the howl disappears, there's no sign in the story that she ever feared it. She seems curious, yes, but there should be something about how she resists going out still because she's still afraid, only for curiosity to get the better of her (or perhaps she's more frightened of the loss of sound). I think more inner conflict needs adding here, because the current fic feels too straightforward in getting her to investigate, too conflict-free. One thing a story should do is capitalize on the conflict it sets up, for as long as it can.
The other thing that bothers me is why, if the wolf's identity is so innocuous, it creeped her out earlier. I know it's sort of obligatory for a supernatural thing (such as a spirit) to not have straightforward communication between themselves and mortals, and it's probably against the mysterious tone of the fic to spell things out. Still, I feel a little explanation would have helped me emotionally connect with the fic more, since even a reader's emotions need to understand what's going on before they can emote. Showing is all very well, but compelling imagery can be vague and ambiguous to a fault.
Lastly, I think the story leaves things unexplained deliberately, which is fair enough for an eerie, supernatural-like story like this. But I would have liked some earlier indication that this was indeed a supernatural story. Perhaps to reinforce the unnerving atmosphere, you could have the widow speculate on what it is rather than just be generically uncertain of it. Delve into the possibilities: Could it be a demon wolf coming into her part of the world? Could it be a ghost? Or a local legend? If you're gunning for mystical mystery, add flavour early on. It also guides the reader into realizing what genre they're operating in.
I know I'm being harsh on this one, and a lot of this is likely down to my own tastes and quirks than anything inherent in the fic. I'm trying to pin down why I feel this is an interesting if overall unremarkable fic, though, namely for your benefit. It's not terrible, and it's at least easy to see what you're aiming for (and to approve of it). I think a bit of clarity would make it stronger, though, and the presentation is mainly what it lacks, not the concept.
>>BlueChameleonVI
>>Miller Minus
Thank you for the comments guys !! I appreciate them a lot !
I was wondering if I had left it too vague and it seems I did ! All I really had for this round was a bit of a story outline and about an hour to write xOx
Suggestions and the like are always appreciated though like I said, ty for taking the time to comment :D
>>Miller Minus
Thank you for the comments guys !! I appreciate them a lot !
I was wondering if I had left it too vague and it seems I did ! All I really had for this round was a bit of a story outline and about an hour to write xOx
Suggestions and the like are always appreciated though like I said, ty for taking the time to comment :D