I don't understand either.

I think this story was going for comedy. It's kind of silly, but I don't think it quite landed. Maybe the doctor could be more sarcastic or something, or the patient explain more about why it's bad, or something. Just something more, I think. I don't mean to exaggerate it to the point of overplaying it, mind, but just to add another element to make the story pop a bit more.

Side note: bold and italicized with all-caps and three exclamation points is a little much :p

It's solid allegory. Not much else to say here. Couple of weird word choices. Hallowed and Scorched aren't quite right in the contexts you're using them, I think.

so the surface meaning is trees, of course, a small one in the shadow of a larger one.

However some of the language suggests that we aren't really talking about trees here, or at least the language wouldn't make sense if it was just trees and nothing else.

Like "How you’ve grown from the cornucopia of my mind!" is an enigmatic line and ya know trees aren't known for growing from one another's minds so I'm sitting here thinking what the hell is this about?

I thought I had it for a minute, thinking that the small tree was a person's mind and the large one was his body, and the outracing referred to growing up outwardly without maturing inwardly... but that doesn't really work.

Add to that the "faithful student" and "twilight" mentions and other lines such as "Heaven does not answer the cries of the damned" and I am well and truly stumped.

Best I can figure is that we are looking at someone who watched a close friend achieve great success while he himself became a failure, and now he is jealous and desires that success for himself, thinking he deserves it...

on the other hand if it is really just trees after all then I think a lot of the lines are too melodramatic for that and also don't fit (I mean trees don't typically cut one another down to my knowledge)

I... mmph.

This is toeing a line between being an opinion dump and being an actual story. I'm reading about a character voicing their concerns just as they're living their life about how they'll be remembered, but... it's kind of too vague, and kind of too on-the-nose...

I didn't really get invested in this one. I can hem and haw about why, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Solid allegory, makes sense and all, except the last line bothered me:

Free me from the shadows, my dear friend, or I will cut you down.

We're talking about plants and/or trees, right? This line seemed to come out of the blue to me.

Only the first story on my slate, but I imagine it will be somewhere near the middle.

cute angel/demon love-hate business relationship with Mother Teresa and Trump(maybe?) stand-ins

gone back over it two or three times and I still don't understand what the codicil exactly states or whose opinions are important (why?) in the matter of salvation or damnation. I'm probably just stupid though

started slow but picked up once the dialogue hit

the last line isn't landing for me. I don't understand why they hate it? It seems like they're having fun.

Unfortunately, this story stops right when it gets interesting. I mean, this scene, in and of itself, is fine, but as a standalone, it kinda falls flat. You'd probably be better served by starting in the aftermath of the bot's desertion, and save something like this for a longer story.

Also, to be blunt, this story is almost all tell. Literally, given most of the information comes from the mouth (speaker?) of the protagonist. Honestly, expanding out closer to the 750 word limit (or further) would give you a lot more room to provide ideas organically (lel) and improve the story dramatically.

Not even going to try to say anything intelligent about this one.

...Actually, I will, if only to countersignal AndrewRogue.

Perfectly regular meter is overrated and nerdy. The unrhymed couplets are entirely appropriate for the purposes you've put them to. "We dance the world away" gives a feeling of finality that breaks each section of the story (twice at the end, for more finality). "ay" is also a cleaner sound to end on than "air" is: "air" just sounds incomplete. The "disruptive" line 22 that contains a pause immediately precedes the girl looking back at the narrator, so the pause gives the effect of a "my heart skipped a beat" kind of feeling which meshes very nicely with the content.

Much better than I was expecting—I never expect much from poems. A pleasant surprise.

This story does a pretty good job introducing two interesting characters and a conflict without infodumping. I care about the people in this story. Props -v-b

That said, I do agree with Astra in that the conflict feels resolved too quickly. Chris seems to be surprised at Nest's feelings, and it's been five years that they've been trying to escape the world. That Chris accepts it in five minutes is not quite believable, but I understand the need to resolve the minific. Perhaps Chris storms off instead? Or he leaves to give Nest some time to reconsider? Or perhaps Chris has noticed Nest's resistance to leave for a while now. I dunno, just some ideas so the turn doesn't feel quite as extreme.

Also, I'm curious if Mikail is a player like Nest or an NPC. Cuz if Nest is about to marry an NPC... that must be some good AI programming lol

Here's the thing. There was no point at which you had me questioning what happened. Meaning no mystery.

At first it seems completely as if Howard has done away with Beauregard, and there is no hint that it might be otherwise. Then, in a heel-face turn, we find out that it was otherwise. Cool! But there's no suspense there. I shift immediately from being totally convinced of one proposition to being totally convinced of its opposite.

No suspense, no tension. No tension, dull story. Simple as that.

Can't improve upon what's been said, but chiming in to say I liked it.

Plus, you've given me a new appreciation of how powerful repetition can be in a very short story. The unifying power of repetition should not be overlooked!

I like this one. Author really knows the feel of working hard for something out of reach, wrapped up in a nice, empathetic story.

Clearly a policeman. I don't understand the cause of the fight, though.

I'm honestly not sure what this piece is trying to do. Like, at all. It isn't really so much a story as just a thing that happens.

Beyond that, definitely needs an editorial pass to clean and tighten it.

Naval gazing! Not that that's a terrible thing per se (and I can certainly empathize with the emotions on display here), but yeah. I will say it fits the prompt well, but it also falls victim to the prompt in that an endless struggle is actually hella unsatisfying for the reader.

Hmmm. Maybe it doesn't need to be more, if slice-of-life is all there's meant to be to it, but it seemed... really superficial, is about what I take away. It's a narrative of surface events, and nothing more. I'm left without the thing I want in a literary story—that sense of the underlying relevance to what happened.

I guess what I'm getting at is, how did the main character change? There's a situation set up, a conflict, and a resolution... all the ingredients to a story... but after it's said and done, was he really affected? Life seems like it's just going to go on as normal and this hiccup won't matter in the long run. It's an anecdote, and even an entertaining one, but it lacks the elements of real consequence and permanence to create the kind of stakes that make things interesting and cause some sort of lesson to be explored and learned.

It's the start of something, but, as so often happens in mini-fics, there's just not enough length to sink any teeth into. That's unfortunate, because this does begin to form up as a possibly interesting hook to a longer story.

As it is now, though, it's hard to comment a whole lot about this one as a whole without having more. I will at least say that mechanically, I like the use of the present tense to create an engaging immediacy to the action and surroundings.

I think this might have to do with some sort of religious war, though I’m not actually positive. But I agree with all the former comments, it’s hard to parse, and there isn’t sufficient context to get to the point. Now, some stories choose to let the reader deliberately on the fence of two or more interpretations, and that’s a good thing. But in this case, there’s no really meat for us to know what dish we are tasting, and it left us with a sour aftertaste – which means, I don’t really want to re-read it to find out what I’ve missed.

This is really: 1. Too American-centric; 2. Too ham-fisted; to be really interesting. I’m not sure there’s a real takeaway such as “don’t panic, just suck it up” or the like. It’s not even in the characters’ campiness, it’s just that… the personal nuclear bunker in the basement makes me think more to Switzerland than to America.

I think it would shine better if it were put into a comic strip rather than a story.

I agree with Astrarian here. This is loaded with meaningless technobabble and gobbledygook. I get this is a spoof of some sort, but it’s not really the sort that makes me smile, because — well, maybe I’m too old for it to hit the spot. I mean, there is no real reason to chuckle here, besides the hotchpotch of asinine computer/internet concepts. It’s like, too hollow to really make me smile.

I will join the choir and, like the others, ask “What of it?”

I mean, we don’t even get to know if that ploy is successful or not. Or is it just to point out that, yes, the cliché is true, and Wyoming people are really hikes, grasping at the straws of an old, obsolete American ideal?

I wonder…

To be fair, this is one of the more interesting sci-fi settings I've read so far this round. Something like the Road Warrior in space... cool! Unfortunately, that's all I'm getting out of it, a pitch for a story setting.

I can't really connect with the protagonist. Despite how futuristic and alien he is, he's just kinda vaguely "normal". I don't know anything about his personality, he's just some guy doing his job. The setting's backstory is interesting, but telling it by having him looking at the ex-sun feels like all the plot is put on pause. Then the action begins, but.... I don't fully understand the context, and I have no idea what his options are. The protagonist dies tragically, but since I'm not too attached to him in the first place it's no big deal.

Hope this helps a little. There's a ton of nice setting details, but it's not enough for full reader investment.

This seems like it is trying to be about capitalism and communism, but capitalism doesn't work this way, making this a false allegory.

I'm not really sure what else to say about this; it is very fableish and seems like the sort of story a communist might tell to talk about how awesome communism is, but given that the core of the story is deceptive, it is kind of dishonest.

Well, I think that there's a start here, but you should have not panicked and just kept going through to as close to the end as you could muster.

Unless this is some sort of meta joke that I'm missing.

I agree with >>Fenton - what's the point of the huge check and the mention of the dead family?

I also have to say I didn't end up empathizing very much with the protagonist; it was pretty obvious from early on that it was an escapist fantasy, and I've read a lot of stories like this one - and this one didn't feel like it did a whole lot to differentiate itself from the pack of such pieces.

I think the draw with the fic this was based on, if I'm not mistaken, is that it was sort of grounded and gritty, proposing Roger lived in some shack in the outback or whatever, and the Writeoff was part of his evil master plan. The details escape me. But.

This story is different. It's a little less grounded and a little more random. The focus is also less on Roger and more on Roger's AI Ali. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but because this is based off The Unsung Ballad of Roger Wilco, I can't help but draw comparisons.

If the point was to capture the same "magic" as the other story, I think the grounded style worked better for this type of story. The relatively quick and random style here feels a little overdramatic and surface-level.

I'm also generally opposed to in-jokes, as I don't think anyone who isn't in the Discord chat will really get this. It's not a big deal, but it does stand out to me. <- Poorly worded comment. See >>FrontSevens for clarification.

Wow TD you’re back? AWESOME!
We’ve been missing you.

Well, you certainly know your target audience, that's for sure.

Cute, though it might have been a bit on the nose calling him "Hades Pluto". Might have been better to be a bit more subtle with that, or reveal him to be Hades/Pluto a bit later than you did.

>>RawCringe
I'm with him. Cute idea, but the story didn't really have the space to really breathe life into the situation.

I liked the idea of this, but I'm not quite sure if I understand why it is a sun goddess.

This feels like something written for the Less Wrong community. On the one hand, that can lead to potentially interesting stories, but on the other hand, I'm not sure how much sense this wound make outside of that context, given how little context we're ultimately given here.

I'm with everyone else who was confused about what was going on here.

At first I thought the robot wanted to die because he had read every tweet, Facebook post, YouTube video... and it was funny to me.

The progression feels kind of slow for the first 80%. It's just reiterated that the robot wants to die. It ends up putting more emphasis on the idea. It's an interesting idea, but that's kind of it. I think I would've liked more story.

Perhaps the story could be from the human's perspective, about his internal conflict and second thoughts about the implications of creating a suicidal robot. Perhaps he feels like he's being cold, but knows he has to follow through with it to see if suicidal AI is better for humanity, for the science. It's just that the story as it is feels a bit one-note.

I agree with my fellow commenters here: this is the stub of a story. But I'd be somewhat harsher: I think that's partly because of choices you made.

I think you devote too much time at showing us things that pertain to the decor. In other words, instead of focusing on the main character and setting up only the most essential part of the surroundings, you do the exact opposite: you stretch the world building and squeeze the plot. While this is certainly acceptable in a short story contest, in such a small space like this, you shoot yourself in the foot: the result is like a dish with all sauce and no meat.

In other words, knock yourself out in a short story round, but don't do that in a minific one. I mean, it’s not badly written, but don’t think you can grasp the attention of the reader just throwing randoms items out of a futuristic gallimaufry.

Most importantly, the incoherent note highlights the disastrous consequences of deviating from the regimen.

Meta. Was that intentional?

The note doesn't make sense. It starts off reading like a normal first person story where things are happening, then I think there's a tense change within three sentences (I need to read up on my tenses though, please correct me if I haven't pinpointed why it reads funny), then MC is talking about their vacation as if we're looking in on their thoughts and as if they are actually going to go, then suddenly the MC is writing a suicide note like this was their intention all along.

As it stands, I think it would be improved by the suicide happening spontaneously, and it would also be improved by making the story an actual story rather than a letter (e.g. MC crawling round their bedroom getting despondent or responding more and more negatively to things they're looking at, or even interacting with the paper they are writing on).

Mind, I've just written an incoherent mess myself, so maybe don't take any of my suggestions as gospel. lel

>>FrontSevens
>>AndrewRogue
Front and Andrew seem to have beaten me to it again. They've already written exactly what I was thinking.

>>Astrarian
#2fast -u-

This is my slate topper for the first round.

This was a clever idea combined with charming execution that gave me a real sense of the author's style. The elongated, almost out-of-breath description combined with the cheeky narration emphasizes the sense of tediousness associated with The Postman's journey. I am not sure if this it by coincidence or design that the author's writing style managed align with the story he/she was telling, but nonetheless, it greatly heightens the piece as a whole.

There are some faults in the prose, however, generally with word selection. Usage of very ugly syllable pill-ups such as "vertiginously" and an (assumed) unintentional tendency towards alliterative phrasing detract from what I would otherwise consider to be a very solid work. Additionally, the extended style does not work well for the first sentence. I also agree with TD in that the Hades Pluto choice, while useful for signposting what is going on, comes across as a bit too ham-fisted, even for a narrative that is admittedly a bit goofy.

I tried to look up "XAIPE" which I took to either mean "ESCAPE" or be a rendering of "chi alpha iota rho epsilon", which upon googling, took my to a bunch of fraternity pages and a book by E.E. Cummings. Please tell me what this means.

So I'm in a bit of a disagreement with people on Third Law of Motion. I don't really find it necessarily confusing what the explicit context of the scene is, but I think the story itself has a problem making clear to the reader what the take-away message is and is overloaded with unclear metaphors and imagery that don't seem to connect with one another. Perhaps if the author had been more straightforward and forthwith with describing the situation instead of utilizing a number of similes and metaphors that the story as a whole would go down easier.

To me, it is apparent the the narrator is some sort of law enforcement official or soldier in a place that has lost itself to anarchy, and he he is begrudgingly venturing out to restore some semblance of order, likely in vain. The main character laments the danger and violence that he is being tossed into and also assumed to commit as a result of his duty. His wife wants him to stay at home where it's safe, but he puts on a brave face and goes out anyway, but he's not happy about it.

The thesis of the story itself, however, and how it plays into the Third Law of Motion is either ill-conceived in its comparison or just poorly explained. I could maybe go for interpreting it being along the anarchy is the result of a completely disproportionate reaction by the public that has caused rioting, i.e. some sort of needless war type scenario, but there's simply not enough context to support that interpretation, and is more me trying to give the author the benefit of the doubt that he/she had a clear idea in mind when writing this than anything else. How exactly the Third Law of Motion ties into the rest of the story proper is never made explicitly clear, which is unfortunate because it's the title of the story, the opening sentence, and the final line. As a result, it feels like MLPMatthew said, a series of separate parts that have no strong unifying body to bring them together.

I'm taking a leap of faith with my reading of this, author. Because reading this story, I also didn't understand, just like >>FrontSevens. I might have laughed a bit more than him at the exceedingly dry humor of this story, but I didn't feel I "got it" my first read through. But I came to a rather interesting conclusion on my second reading.

The joke is that the reader is not intended to understand Chad or his problem, culminating in the completely over-dramatic screaming to the heavens, and by extension, the audience, that nobody understands him. Some people may claim I'm full of shit, but I legitimately think that this was the author's intention to have the humor come from the absolute disconnect from Chad's unexplained and humorously over-the-top disdain for his own masturbatory tendencies. It's sort of a bait and switch, where you keep expecting him to give some sort of reason for his belief, but he simply never does and grows increasingly more agitated that nobody "gets" him.

It's something I feel silly for laughing at, but still worked for me by the end, nonetheless.

>>FrontSevens is right, however, the three exclamation points, italics, and bold was overindulgent. I am never happy to see bold in any context, even if I do feel like this story's conclusion is what ultimately got the laugh out of me. Additionally, you need to work on discreet paragraphing to make sure that each paragraph is contained to one character's action. Currently, the organization of the prose is a bit haphazard with its focus, abruptly transitioning from Chad to the doctor without beginning a new paragraph. Additionally, even though this is hardly a piece intending to impress with extravagant descriptive passages, the description we are given is exceedingly bare-bones and generally flat to extent that I feel it detracts rather than adds color to the piece.

Gah, this is not a comedy!

I'm not the writer, but I'm uncomfortable talking about sexual things so I'm using a throwaway account anyway.

This story perfectly encapsulates the shame of male masturbation in a sheltered upbringing. Not everyone grows up in an environment where sexual things are discussed freely, if at all. Some men live sheltered lives where they grow up not knowing the basic functions of their own body parts. They find themselves surprised and terrified of what sometimes happens down there, and they don't talk to anyone about it. Masturbation compounds this problem.

In homes with overbearing parents, or a highly religious upbringing, masturbation can be a completely ignored subject. Or it can be actively campaigned against. "That is just not something we do in this house, son." It's more confusing when the young man refuses to ask questions. He just wonders. And all he feels is shame about what is happening to his body.

The story of Big Chad is when a man like that finally gains the courage to talk to someone about it. He goes to an authority figure, a doctor, someone he isn't that familiar with that can give male advice. This is an absolutely terrifying experience for him. This is his secret and something he's incredibly ashamed of admitting.

And the doctor's advice? You're fine.

That is not what Chad expected or wanted to hear. He expected to hear a chastisement for doing such a thing, (like he might if he asked his parents). He came to the doctor hoping for some kind of cure for the sickness he had come down with, but instead he was told he wasn't sick.

Then Chad puts this doctor inside of the "other" box. "This so-called 'Doctor' doesn't have the same values as my family or my religion, and thus I can't accept what he has to say. Masturbation may be okay for others, but it's definitely not okay for me."

For most males, hearing from your doctor that "it's okay to masturbate," will feel like a free pass. But for men like Chad, that's not an acceptable response and he felt betrayed that the doctor failed to "cure" him. And he feels incredibly frustrated he doesn't have the words/vocabulary to express that and so all he can say is that "Nobody understands."


This story does a fantastic job expressing Chad's fear, anxiety and shame. It, however, does not explain what Chad has or has not been taught about his own sexuality, which probably would have helped make this story more understandable.

I don't know how the author would "fix it" so that it would make sense to a reader that didn't have a background like Chad's. Perhaps changing it to an omniscient viewpoint would give a chance to explain Chad's background? But... I liked being in Chad's viewpoint.

I dunno, I like it as is, but most people will not understand it which narrows your audience quite a bit.

>>-

I can see your interpretation and definitely can understand reading the first half of the text where you're coming from, and I myself the first time reading this through believed this to be the correct interpretation until I came to the story's conclusion. I guess simply put, I find it hard to believe that the author unintentionally lamp-shaded numerous comedic framing devices, and if the story is intended to be a more down-to-earth and sensitive portrayal of a man from an extremely conservative upbringing, the ending is completely tonally inappropriate, particularly with the thunder, rain, and lightning. Additionally there is the problem with the doctor holding the perspective more than Chad himself in the interview, making Chad seem even more distant and obtuse.

Again, the character of Big Chad sort of works against the author if the intent was to tell that kind of story. This would be the story, of a boy just crossing into the cusp of being a teen, not a full-fledged teen. I get the intention that it is supposed to be the contrast between big muscular man that is actually quite frail, but that is another trope associated with comedy, and without proper context, it comes across as being humorous rather than tragic. Additionally, if Chad is from an ultra-religious background, where are his parents in this scene?

Even stranger is line "Nobody understands" when taken with that context. It implies that he has discussed this with someone else. Presumably, someone extremely religious would have someone to discuss this with that actually would understand, given that these sorts of people often belong to extremely insular communities.

I'm not saying you're wrong. I just hope you're wrong. Because I don't want to think that an author who thought to tell a mature, nuanced story about a very niche dilemma would end his story with screaming in the streets under lightning and rain. I'd hope that author would know better and be more subtle than that.

A nice take on the prompt. I like the way the inner struggle of the narrator is depicted, and the way she chucks the easiest answers while still managing to resist the temptation to fall off the wagon. Her conscience, which she “embodies” as that Sun goddess, is a nice touch too.

And also thanks for making it female. Women’s alcoholism, as is hinted in the story, is much less tackled than men’s, because somehow we inherited from the former centuries the idea that women are not supposed to drink – or not to binge drink at least, and the society is still way harsher with female tipplers than it is with male.

Overall, I don’t have much to say, beyond that it feels solid, both on the idea and the execution. Easily atop my slate.

This is fairly cute, and the conflict is aptly exploited. There are two minor gripes though:

1. The guy transformed into a siren having sex with another guy opens a lot of unsolved questions: does his (her) former psychology been altered so that he’s attracted to men now? Was he gay in the first place? Etc. While I’m convinced such questions can only be skimmed over in a minific format, I would’ve liked it to be dredged a bit more.

2. I agree that the conclusion is somewhat rushed, the other guy surrenders a bit too quickly. But I suppose you banged against the deadline, so I won’t hold a big grudge against you.

In all, near the top of my slate.

Not a story, feels like the author venting. I wasn't hooked at all, and besides, this kind of thinking comes across as pretty ridiculous to me, so not a big fan of this one.

The story to me sounds more like an allegory for coming out as a transgender, which while well-conceived in theory, falters slightly on the execution. Don't misunderstand me, though, I think this is a fine story, and would place it in fairly high if it were on my slate. There are just a few things I have some scruples with, which mainly comes down to how each character interacts within the context of the story.

To me, it is not so much that the conflict is too hastily resolved, as >>Astrarian, >>FrontSevens, and >>Monokeras have stated, but that the conflict between the two characters is made to be a bit more grandiose and mean-spirited than it actually should be. It's a case of the real-life parallel leaking in a bit too much into the dialogue, I think. Ultimately for the story to function, I have to believe that Nest and Chris are good enough friends to be able to resolve this drastic identity reveal quickly, but I am never given the real feeling that Nest and Chris are good friends at all. Nest doesn't seem to trust Chris in the slightest and threatens to end the friendship over some unintentionally hurtful ribbing. At some points Chris really crosses the threshold of what I think was intended to be ribbing into straight-out insults with lines like "That's just the body talking" which in context also doesn't seem to make sense to me, because it's never implied that the game messes with your cognition.

I'm not really lead to believe on the whole Chris is really a prejudiced person or outright objects to the idea of Nest enjoying herself in the game, he just is shocked and upset that Nest has given up on leaving, which to some extent, rightfully so. He seems to want to leave despite being a fit-ass, handsome barbarian. The problem with how this is executed is that Nest doesn't just say she prefers this to real life. It makes it seem that she is coming more from a perspective of resignation than enthusiasm. By extension, she is trying to get Chris to also give up, and that is what prompts his ribbing. The ribbing goes too far, into areas that I think outside of the reach of the conversation. Like the point of contention for Chris should be that Nest wants to stay, not the fact that she has fish tits or whatever to the point where that subject eclipses the actual issue, unless he is actually intended to be a prejudiced character with poor intentions. In which case, the conclusion cannot feasibly work.

The reason why I disagree with everyone else that the conclusion is rushed is because I feel that this issue as presented is something that can be resolved with some simple communication if the two characters know each other well enough. The relationship these two characters have as written, however, makes it seem like neither one likes or respects the other. Particularly Nest, who always assumes Chris has bad intentions and fails to tell him several years worth of important details on the basis that she thinks he'll react badly—which in this case, he really doesn't, all things considered. If that's the story you want to tell, it would need to be a longer piece and give more time for development to flesh out those idiosyncrasies that can keep a friendship like that afloat. To be honest, Chris comes across as the more loyal and trusting friend despite his flaws, because at least he is shown doing Nest what he thinks is a favor by reciting the meeting's information back to her.

So I suppose what I'm saying is that the story's conclusion isn't really rushed, it's more like that the two character's relationship doesn't lead me to that conclusion.

According to French Wiktionary, it is Ancient Greek for "Hail," like the greeting. It looks like it can be used both for hello and goodbye.

The beginning was interesting, gave a bit of world building. There was tension buildup during the trap scene, up until I need workforce in my factory.

The rest of the story is, well, boring. I'd rather not read about someone working, I do enough working myself.

The turn around is cliche and was decently obvious, and the ending predictable.

Without the factory and political angle, this could have been cute fluffy tail.

4.5/10

can confirm this is Georgia

half-foot of surprise snowfall

bizarro science fiction.

The beginning was great, the middle was great, the ending made me want to leave a collection of meme instead of a review.

If you ran out of time, which is unlikely considering the lengh, you should have just had the guy fall off the ladder and die, easy to write, somewhat satisfying. The way you went about it was boring, unoriginal and annoying.

If you didn't run out of time, and meant the ending as some sort or joke or comentary, I didn't get it, and I don't really care to get it. I don't like meta in my stories. It feels line a cheap cop out designed to make people laugh.

In conclusion,
3 meta 5 me, and this is the writeoff, but every time something is meta we all die a little inside.

0/10

I don't have much time to elaborate right now, but how clever your set up, it leaves a question unanswered: why do the stations still orbit something that doesn't exist anymore, and therefore has no mass to attract anything?

Hm. I'm not entirely sure what it is about yet, but it does seem to hint at some good stuff. I like it, but will have to come back later.

A good boring slice of life story, with a chuckle here and there.

7/10

Nice world, bland characters, could use a better focus on Leih. Kinda too much happening for such a short story. Cut out the filler and expand on the plot next time.

5.5/10

uhm, wasn't there an easier way up to the clowds?

Sorry if the story was less than .. just all the gaming of how great it was without actually getting the point to the finish.

and no, the man wasn't exactly the one to root for, I guess. Never really got to know anything of him. Just the end of his day.

Between Jewel's startup and the courses I teach, I haven't had the time to read and review anything yet. :fluttershysad: But I notice that we're halfway through the first round, and there are still stories with only one or two comments. So at least I can call attention to that:

One comment:
https://writeoff.me/fic/3754-No-Choice
https://writeoff.me/fic/890-Blurred-Lines
https://writeoff.me/fic/5186-Endless-Struggle
https://writeoff.me/fic/2393-Sentinel

Two comments:
https://writeoff.me/fic/1407-Faux-Pas-de-Deux
https://writeoff.me/fic/3802-Greatness
https://writeoff.me/fic/1266-The-Meaning-of-Life
https://writeoff.me/fic/2293-To-Be-Free
https://writeoff.me/fic/2328-Under-an-oppressive-moon
https://writeoff.me/fic/1720-Machine
https://writeoff.me/fic/4864-The-Pain-in-Paradise

/)^3^(\

The Pain in Paradise
TAILS (sum of 20 points)
T-6 A-3 I-3 L-5 S-3
Gestalt (Considered) : Mediocre

Technical (Correctness) : 6
"Hi," she says, "I've really <<< period after 'says'?
he says, and hands me something, then he leaves silently. <<< awkwardly constructed; possibly comma-splice with final (independent) clause

Abstract (Clarity) : 3
It really isn't clear that anything happens. Loneliness and boredom, apparently on edge of suicide ("can jump whenever I want"), with an escapist fantasy or chemical trip as the main event.

Impact (Consequence) : 3
Curious stuff in the fantasy leave some impression, but is ultimately forgettable due to the inspecific language and being generally obtuse.

Language (Congruence) : 5
The language is self-consistent: little to no nesting of clauses, colorful (if blunt) diction and images, etc... too direct to be poetic and too florid to be completely dull.

Poking at a small section, for instance...

My conscience cuts me with the fiery blade and I fall into two pieces. I see the yawning pit of emptiness, and I remember that I am only an animated corpse.

It works, but leaves much to be desired. How much of this is literal? Conscience cuts because why? What is the fiery blade, where does it come from; what are the two pieces composed of and where do they fall? What does the emptiness represent; is it bright or dark or neither? What incites this recollection?

Structure (Composition) : 3
Lots of filler surrounding a (guilt-filled?) admission?

Welp. That was something new. I skimmed through it the first time thinking it was just a meta 'didn't have time to write and put it off' story. Was I ever wrong.

This is actually a quite sad and heartwarming story. Probably everyone has put off writing for this exact reason; the fear it won't match up to what's already out there, the frustrating inability to articulate a thought, the distraction of something more enjoyable.

You, sir and/or ma'am, are brilliant.

8.5/10

(It's a bit scattered and jerky, sorry!)

The story starts off, then suddenly goes nowhere--it feels like it's interrupted mid-scene.

It's like the visit at the doctor was supposed to go on longer, then Chad suddenly saw the word counter's getting close to the maximum and panickedly decided to short-circuit the scene by running away.

For a moment I thought that the "flash of lightning and peal of thunder" was supposed to imply a twist ending, where God Almighty himself is watching Chad and disapproving of what he does, hence why Chad felt the need to go to the doctor with his condition; but apparently not.

The Mentor
TAILS (sum of 20 points)
T-4 A-4 I-4 L-3 S-5
Gestalt (Considered) : Appreciable

Technical (Correctness) : 4
I am but a tiny seed cultivating in <<< 'cultivate' is rarely—if ever—used this way

Abstract (Clarity) : 4
As mentioned by others, the metaphor is sound, but there are places where it breaks down, partly through word use (more in Language), but also conceptually:

How you’ve grown from the cornucopia of my mind! What once was a seed and then a sprout has become a tree, casting shadows that blot the sun.

Suggests that the narrator existed before the other grew? Is the forest floor, then, the narrator's mind? At the last line, how might a seed cut down a tree?

What does the sun represent?

Impact (Consequence) : 4
Memorable for the anger and/or sense of entitlement alone. Arboreal theme gives an interesting twist.

Language (Congruence) : 3
"Scorched lips" is incongruous (burned how?); "cut you down" breaks from analogy; twilight poorly suits the shade of understory; cultivation is usually done to a thing. "I cannot achieve glory without reaching new heights." Tell that to bush honeysuckle. "For what do I cast" is an odd construction (I had to re-read three times to parse it correctly). "and sew my roots" roots are not things that are sown, unless perhaps maybe referring to potato... then again, roots weave and knit, like sewing of threads? (knitting imagery is inconsistent with supposed intent, however, as that kind of sewing is rarely associated with growth.) "I cannot sit still" Yet sitting still—in one place—is what trees are wont to to... Macbeth makes especial note of this.

In general, this needs to be heavily reviewed with careful attention paid to what the words achieve. For all that, however, the effect as-is largely succeeds; only on close inspection do things turn strange.

Structure (Composition) : 5
Very direct and effective line of thought: establishes relationship (well, somewhat; could be clearer), builds frustration, and culminates in ultimatum.

This isn't really a story... just a mess of disjointed, nonsensical gibberish. There's nothing to rate here, really.

Castle in the Clouds
TAILS (sum of 20 points)
T-N/A A-N/A I-N/A L-N/A S-N/A
Gestalt (Considered) : Abstain

Technical (Correctness) : N/A
"Adequate" vacuuming system to exsanguinate your sorry self.

Abstract (Clarity) : N/A
You die.

Impact (Consequence) : N/A
You are definitely going to be dead and no one will be able to retrieve your corpse.

Language (Congruence) : N/A
This is only partly why.

Structure (Composition) : N/A
It won't be easy to build, neither the neutronium-like bullet nor the platform for it, but it will absolutely be worth the doing.

Vague, vague, vague. The entire first part is a vague conversation, in the second part we learn that it was all a virtual simulation, but it doesn't clear things up at all.

Like... Why is Foria described as "what seems to be a woman"? What "contract" are they talking about? What "legal issues" force her to leave, and where exactly is she leaving from? Why does she have just "one human eye"? Nothing of it is even hint

I can sort-of understand that Foria is trying to "improve the world" in some way, but I don't know how does the conversation fit into it. The driving question seems to be "what does Foria really want?", but I have no idea who Foria even is, or why should I care about her life at all.

Also, if this dialogue is just a simulation, then how can the entire first part be written from the POV of her conservation partner? Isn't he virtual, i.e. nonexistent, and so non-sentient? And if he's some kind of an advanced AI, then why does he take so long to realize that the conversation is just a virtual simulation? Is this set in a world where AIs can temporarily forget their nature and believe that they're real humans?

Ultimately this feels kind of hollow--ancient guard pops up, effortlessly kills some archeologists (?), goes back to sleep, the end. Basically, nothing we haven't already seen a lot of times in countless movies and novels, and the fact that we're seeing it from the monster's POV doesn't really fix it. I hoped for some kind of a twist, maybe he'd spare the last person and something interesting would happen... but nope.

One way to improve the story might be introducing some more tension into the fight scene, and putting the POV character in actual risk. Have the archeologists actually put up a good fight, instead of getting slaughtered in an eyeblink like that.

The writing however is good, and this is a pleasant, smooth read.

This is a bit all over the place. We begin with what looks like a potentially promising sci-fi story... then suddenly it devolves into a random comedy with humor that feels way forced. Now, this is subjective, but personally I'm tired of humor around the characters and the narrator shouting crazy nonsense in an over-dramatic way. It feels cheap. That, and pointless non sequitirs about "Russian hackers" and "fake news" -- seriously?

...Aaand, after reading >>FrontSevens's comment, this is apparently an in-joke about the Discord chat. Well. Maybe it's funnier to those in the know, but to me the story seems more baffling than anything else.

>>RawCringe
I had the opposite reaction -- I thought the weakest thing about the story is that the punchline is immediately predictable.

On the other hand, the entire first scene is well-written and funny, and the opening is engaging (even when it turns out the "corpse" is a squirrel - amusing, and I didn't see that coming!)

>>TitaniumDragon
I'm guessing that this is meant to be a story about a no-life hikikomori otaku neet who's living in a world of fantasy, and can get away with it all because he's living on welfare.

I think the story feels a little unsatisfying. A guy sits down and imagines his anime waifu saying "I love you"... it's not much of a story, not by itself. However the writing is pretty great, with the poetic way the guy describes his mental experiences, and some of the imagery ("Madoka's eyes are arrows") feels truly compelling.

The twist in the intro is pretty clever, didn't see it coming. Well written, but not much story.

Really, really good in my opinion.

I see nothing wrong with this story and I feel strongly that it deserves to medal. It's a puzzle, a paradox, and a horror scenario all in one. Really engaging.

Not a terribly helpful comment but it's all I can say.

>>Haze

can confirm this is Georg

Entry disqualified: Author compromised ano--

Georgia

oh.

I think 'hushedly' is my least favorite adverb this week.

This is alright as a scene, but I'm not finding a deeper meaning here. I googled Anapa and came up with some town in Russia? Probably not the mythical connection I was hoping for.

The woman was beautiful, in that ethereal way that poets dream of and painters struggle to capture.

I find this description of creators obsessed with beauty quite lovely.

I agree that the story picks up when the dialogue gets going, although there's a bit of repetition and exposition that sounds unnatural. I think the entire exchange about leather-bound books could be dropped as it doesn't contribute to the overall story about the scoring system. I'm a bit confused by the opening paragraph, specifically the use of the word 'prefaces': they're both still going to Berlin and it's not like they need introducing to the task they've been doing for millennia.

I would have liked to have seen the story from the perspective of either Hesediel or Thamuz rather than an omniscient narrator because I think it's weakened by the fact that the 'realisation' the two characters have at the end--their simultaneous frustration and shared amusement over it--is literally told to me in the first paragraph by the line (emphasis my own): "reflected the growing irritation they both felt about current conditions".

In contrast to most of the other readers, this worked perfectly well for me. I enjoyed the experience throughout, and while the payoff isn't revelatory, it fits in with your overall tone. This feels like a slice of life or more laid-back story that still has perspective and an arc and proper flow. Thank you for writing it.

This is a tough one. For the author, I would expect that this kind of feedback must be frustrating, because no one seems to be really on the right wavelength. Unfortunately, that's partly because of the story itself. I think you've got some things working at cross-purposes here - with the story's title being the most egregious and setting up for a totally different experience than what your story actually provides.

For those not in America or less familiar with the oddities of our politics, the filibuster is a procedural detail where a speaker in Congress can take the floor and begin speaking, in order to delay a crucial vote or other action. As long as they hold the floor, no other action can concurrently take place. There are limits to this - you must continue speaking, you cannot take a break to eat or use the restroom, etc. As such, outside of a few exceptional cases where there are time limits, it's primarily a symbolic action, a kind of protest by a minority political actor who cannot change the outcome of a decision, only delay it and draw attention to its perceived injustice.

As such, there's the core of something here, about a person fighting an ultimately doomed struggle, limited by their own body, against political forces that are enacting something evil. Unfortunately, a lot of those pieces don't actually come through well. It's clear this is inspired by recent political events, but this doesn't use those particularly well. I feel like the author held back, trying to keep this from being too partisanly political, when really that might have saved it. It's an interesting concept, but one that fails to connect. (and boy, again, the title is truly awful and misleading)

So, uh, I write all this to let the writer at least know someone out there is trying to get what you're going for. I know I've certainly written stories that have had some kind of central misfire and then been immensely frustrated when no one else can get past it to see what I was trying to do. (if I am correctly interpreting you at least)

This story is really... straightforwards? Like, this robot is telling us exactly what he's done and exactly what he feels. This sort of thing can be useful for summary, fitting a lot of 'stuff' into a smaller amount of words, but it's not so good at adding depth to what's happening. It reads as very simplistic, and even though I know what's going on, I have a hard time caring much about it.

Do you really pay attention when you read something? I'm not American myself but it was pretty clear what were the senator's intentions, that he was wasting time to delay something.

However, there are two things that I think would have benefited the story.

One, you should have told us what the senator wanted to delay, what he was fighting for.

And two, we don't really feel the senator's struggle because the POV is too neutral. Going for the senator's POV could have been a chance to know how hard it was to speak for so long, being hungry and thirsty and fighting sleep.

The opening doesn't really seem to relate to the rest of the story much. Actually, since the rest of the story has a very 'stylized' feel, I'd suggest leaving it off entirely, because it's like 'storytime's over!' but then the rest of the story also reads like a fair-tale or something.

“Kweek!” squeaks the carrot.

really confused me. My first thought was a joke: "The barkeep asked why we carried weapons inside, we said mimics. He laughed, we laughed, the table laughed. We killed the table. It was a good time."

While this tells an actual story (which is good) it had some bits like that which bugged me, and it doesn't really seem to have a strong overall message. I didn't get feelings of it being either super capitalist or communist, unlike some of the above readers.

It was a dark and stormy night, and someone set out to write an ironic story... :P

This was pretty great. I'm not entirely sure I grasped the whole of what the MC felt was significant about seeing a blank page that it turned the entirety of what came before on it's head? However, it did communicate emotion very well, and the nice ending was nice - even if it's not entirely sensible to me.

Good work overall.

In a way, an alternate take on the ideas presented in Performance Evaluation.

Hm. This is a bit of a weird one for me. It is technically quite well written (probably the best on my slate thus far?), but in a way, that sort of works to its detriment, I feel. There is something... disingenuous about a very poetic, MFA-ish sounding struggle to write story. That said, I can't really fault it for anything except perhaps being overwrought, but that is, by nature, what the piece wanted to be.

I am definitely the wrong audience for this, though.

I thhhhink I get the idea. But yeah, it's disorienting in the beginning and I feel like I never really got a chance to catch up to the events happening. The situation is really only given in pieces and I'm just a bit lost. I agree with RawCringe that I don't really feel any emotions for the characters.

This feels a bit one-note, as the point of the story is made multiple times. Communists and Russia and WW3 are each mentioned more than once, and you really only need to mention them once. The first half is stagnant back-and-forth, where the husband claims something and the wife dismisses it, repeated. The main message is long-winded and comes across as kind of preachy.

There were also some narrative flaws here or there. [Silence.] is kind of a boring way to indicate silence. [Demi watched her husband’s panic as she watched him toss canned food] has "watched" twice, which is a tad redundant, and [(actually dogfood)] falls flat as a punchline.

I like the idea and I think it could work, but this story doesn't quite do it for me.

I think this is the third story I've read now about writers not knowing what to write. I'm thinking it's because of the prompt, but I think the saying from daily comics applies here (forgive me, I forget the exact source): only once can you make a comic about not having any ideas.

That aside, this has a dream-like quality about how surreal everything seems. I'm not able to follow it. Seemingly, the most obvious interpretation is a writer not knowing what to write (as I mentioned), but the metaphors tossed in make it really unclear what's going on. I don't understand why the girl is there, or what the moon represents. Some of the narration has a poetic-like quality that leads me to believe it's supposed to be some sort of allegory, but... again, it's just sort of disorienting.

There were also some comma splices, several instances where the tense was inconsistent (switching between past and present), and a few awkward phrasings.

So. In sharp contrast to my complaints about Sunlight, here's something where I feel the lit-fic tone works well, because it serves to amplify exactly how deep in it our narrator is.

The biggest complaints I have are:

1. Word choice. There's a -lot- of "I [verb]" sentences going on, and a lot of them are stuck right next to each. Vary it up! You get better later in, but early on it is super noticeable and kinda distracting.

2. This is very much an event, and the little conflict that does emerge is... a bit confusing, honestly. I can't quite grock -why- he can't tell his waifu he loves her. Honestly, a little more struggle with the shame would probably give this piece just the amount of bite it needs (and perhaps going a bit further with the shame too - no naked Madoka body pillow?).

3. Kinda agreed that the last bit with the check is a bit out of place. Like, I almost think you'd have stronger ending if you just cut the last two paragraphs entirely.

This has already got a bunch of reviews, but I need to speak up since none of the previous reviewers seem to have understood the core metaphor here:

The Endless White is a blank page. The narrator is a writer.

It doesn't seem to me to be contradicted by anything in the text, and there are a couple of clues which don't seem to point anywhere else. Most crucially:

"... I've gone forth from my rest and into battle against the Endless White and returned slathered in black ..."
"The cruel humor of it is we'd barely have a record at all if not for our enemy, for the Endless White is also the tapestry upon which we weave the most fundamental bedrocks of our lives."
"The words I leave here ... are my battle standard for the day."

Plus what >>KwirkyJ noted at the end of the Abstract section, and in the parenthetical in Language. So close, yet so far. ;-p

But while the others complained about the lack of ultimate meaning, author, I'm going to apologize and go to the other extreme: I was actually kinda disappointed when I realized (at "slathered in black") what metaphor you were going for. It felt like it transformed this piece from some cool magical-realism metaphorical fight into a slightly veiled complaint about writer's block, and reading a story about writer's block has always felt to me like a musician singing a song about roadies: the fastest possible way to announce to the world that you have no actual inspiration driving the piece. For me, that's one of those cannot-unsee things, and it ruined my ability to appreciate the "Endless White" in the mystical terms in which you presented it. The idea of an amorphous, eldritch and unbeatable enemy does have a pretty cool ring of tragedy to it (reminding me a lot of the RPG Polaris -- if you haven't heard of it, that was half the inspiration for Melt).

So ironically, the one reader who would have scored your story higher if he hadn't gotten your point is the one who got it. Hopefully I can make up for that by explaining your story to the others.

Tier: Misaimed

Oh, almost forgot. In terms of concrete editing suggestions, take a look at your opening paragraph:

It's that time again, isn't it? Hmm, no. Passed time. Late again, per usual. That's alright. As long as there are hours left in the day I might still find myself a purpose. The enemy we face is endless and tireless, yet patient. It never presses forward of its own accord, but always waits for a goodly soldier to stumble upon it, whereupon it might abuse the poor soul's mind forevermore.

I've highlighted the first half to compare and contrast it with the second half, because it's almost like you're starting a new story mid-paragraph here. The first half is introspective, disjointed, and in medias res. The second half is outward-looking, expository, and concrete.

For that reason, the second half makes a much more effective hook, but that's only part of the problem. The big issue is that the rest of your story picks up and runs with the war story established by the second half. You only return to that introspective "outer framing" again at the very end, long after that opening idea -- that this is actually about the narrator's search for purpose -- has been forgotten.

If you really have to keep that framing, expand that first half of your cold open into a much more substantive paragraph in its own right: get the search for purpose very firmly established before moving into the grabby conflict stuff, so readers will recognize that you're returning to it later. But honestly, I think this would be stronger without that framing entirely. Ditch the ending (everything after the quick turn that the others complained about) and the bolded part of your opening. Focus on the war and bury the metaphor a little more. Let the magical realism carry it.

Just once, I think, I'd like to see a fictional character take advantage of AA meetings.

Quite well written. Don't actually have a lot to complain about here. Despite the lack of apparent conflict, there is a decent narrative arc built into the way she reveals herself, allowing you to keep the struggle in mind. It is decently repeatable and, of course, it is nice for something approaching resolution despite the nature of the prompt.

Bringing everyone up to two reviews! Let's push for three or four or five!

First of all, author, this is what your story looks like on a laptop screen. A literal wall of text. For the love of Thoth, paragraph breaks, please.

Content-wise, this was ... I don't know. Occasionally amusing? It got in some nice jabs, like the VR support and the first mini-game. It tried way too hard on a few jokes, like the third puzzle-game question whose humor had nothing to do with the rest of your piece. In several places this makes jokes that are obviously there just as jokes, and the elaborately fake brand-name expys are distracting, both of which break the tone (of this being a genuine product pitched straightfacedly) that you're trying to use to sell the humor. In some cases those name expys are so obscure that you only get the joke if you're embedded deep in gamer culture to begin with (such as with Gabe Newell at the end).

And since it's not a Horizon review without tearing apart the opening line:

Just when you thought it was finally over, MAGNITUDE Studios is back at it again!

... is distractingly ungrammatical. The first half is a subordinate clause, meaning the "it" by default refers to the subject of the main clause (which is Magnitude Studios). Magnitude Studios isn't over?

Anyway, this isn't quite walking a tightrope between straight-faced game-trailer parody and random silliness, so much as careening back and forth destructively between the two. I'd recommend tightening up and doubling down on your sales pitch, and letting the jokes flow from that.

Tier: Needs Work

The danger of writing about current events and framing it as talking about non-current events is that what you're really talking about is blazingly obvious from the start. I called your punchline literally from the third sentence. And watching the story contort as it tried to pretend that wasn't the case got especially painful in the middle with lines like "Obama is a Russian pawn", which I'm pretty sure not a single person ever said with a straight face. Remember all the birth certificate nonsense? He was the Muslim plant.

And anything else I could say about this would be eclipsed by a political rant I don't want to stir up in Writeoff-land. Suffice to say that the people concerned about Trump are freaking out about the things he has prominently promised to do.

I am neither a fan of this story's construction nor its cheap and mealy political equivalency, but because it's primarily the latter which would get me bottom-slating this, it's fairer to abstain.

Tier: Misaimed

I agree with Hat here: talk hushedly sounds really strange. Besides, the “guardian waking up killing all intruders then getting back to sleep” story is a sorta hackneyed now. I mean, it could still be used if you added some sort of twist along the way but instead there is none. The whole scene is very linear and predictable, there is no real tension.

So, yeah, bland. We don’t even get to know who is the guardian. A mummy? Some sort of golem? Mystery.

Don’t fret though, it is reasonably well written so it will end up in the upper half of my slate, it seems.

I'm going to echo the statements already made here. This is a neat core for a story, but it moves as such a lightning pace that it really doesn't manage to achieve anything.

That said, there are some structural problems here I think: mostly the logic of the situation escapes me. Is there a particular reason why, apparently, the whole of the army consists of two people?

The Trapper's trap, trapped the Trapper.

While I could argue about the twisting of the original story, but I guess it still works here, setting up the stage.

It was quite the fluffy little tail, alright. Just one item, the scene brakes doesn't seem to conform to the purpose put forth here. While they may be correctly put, where they are.

I like it, then again I am a fan of this kind of fiction. The technobabble wasn't that bad, imo.

Have I ever told you I think I'd really like to be a tree?

This has a pretty solid thematic layer, which is going to do a lot for my scoring of it. However, it feels weaker in the non thematic story, which is a bit of a problem for me. There's definitely some conflict, but the 'arc' of it is muted; there's some resolution at the end, with the 'cut you down', but it's not as strong as I'd like it to be, in some ways. If I'm reading it right, this is about someone drastically changing their attitude towards someone they previously admired. That's a pretty big swing, and it's definitely worth being more emphatic about. It might also be nice if I had a better idea of what was actually going on in the non-meta layer. Is this literally about trees, as well as figuratively? Is this a bit of a rant against popular authors? Rivals in love? It's difficult to tell.

I did feel 'scorched lips' to be a bit odd, what with how treelike the rest of this was. Trees don't have lips.

While this has some interesting ideas, and has conflict and resolution, I find myself stumbling over some of the execution and some of the sci-fi aspects.

Execution wise, I think you took too long to clue us in to the destruction of the sun. When Peter mentioned

perhaps the very last atoms of hydrogen in the entire Sol system.

, my first thought was literally 'What about the sun?' and it wasn't until another few paragraphs that I found out about that.

The numbers in the names is another thing I'm kinda of two minds about. Putting that in signals 'artificial intelligence', which is about... half-right, I guess. But until you get a good ways in, it's not clear that they're 'uploaded humans'. It would probably be better to use normal names, so people begin by thinking they're human, and then throw in some of the 'uploaded' stuff.

As for hacking via webcam... the idea is a neat one, but it breaks my willing suspension of disbelief. I'm not sure if it's reasonable or not, but I feel like it's not? Because cameras only produce one type of data, and how that's used for 'sight' should be just one process... I dunno. It just feels off to me. Well, and hacking an A.I. would be incredibly difficult, in my opinion, for the same reason hacking someone computer savvy is a lot more difficult - they don't just let their computer do whatever, but think about it instead.

But in the end, I think what really gets me is that this just isn't weird enough. Which is a strange complaint to have, I guess, but still. Brain uploading and hacking via webcam are concepts I would expect to see in sci-fi that's set a few thousand years in the future. However, I'm pretty certain it would take longer than that to fuse most of the hydrogen in the sun down into iron. It currently burns something like 700 million tons a second, IIRC. Well, it's mostly turning that into helium, which... you can also use for fusion, I believe. But at the time-scales you're talking about here, I want the sci-fi to be nearly incomprehensibly strange, which is a bit of a challenge writing wise. As it is, though, this just feels weirdly anachronistic. Maybe it's not, I dunno, but that's how I feel.

For those who are curious about the original, have a look, it's pretty good if you don't mind in-jokes:

"The Unsung Ballad of Roger Wilco", by Icenrose

Speaking of which, haven't seen Icenrose for a while, which is too bad; he was pretty fun.

Anyways, this story. Eh, random comedy. I thought it might be at least attempting a deeper meaning with the ending (as corny as that was) but then it suborns that by being self-aware with the 'wow that's deep' something I would normally support, except... it's basically played straight up till then, so it feels unearned and wishy-washy. Is this trying to be snarky? If so, snark harder. Is this trying to be sincere? If so, try for actual depth.

At first, I thought Beau was the squirrel and was confused but intrigued that someone would name a squirrel, whether they kept it as a pet or not. I think it'd help if something clearly stated that Beauregard is the dog and not the squirrel.

I see the twist, I think it's charming, but I think the problem might be that I didn't care for the main character? I could hem and haw about why: the first part might be a bit drowned in things that had happened, or it might be that the sarcasm is a little lost in the narrative which tends to ramble a bit and use language that's too rich... which might be very small reasons, but maybe they're adding up? I'm not sure. Just pointing them out as possible reasons. I agree here or there with other reviewers. I think the twist works, though it's a bit muddled through the problem above that I can't put my finger on.

Also, the first line is almost a hook, except it runs on a little too long after [except for the corpse in the middle of his bed of nasturtiums]. If you had put a period at the end of that part, it would've been great, I think.

This doesn't seem super deep, but there's a lot to like here. Some good phrasing, a bit of a bookend structure, nice character work, a complete story arc... it's going to do fairly well by me, even though I'd like some sort of thematic element to it. Pleasant, if a bit shallow.

Boring, forgettable, with a not-plot that's unimaginative. The only reason its not the very bottom of my slate is that its not 'in your face' meta, just, 'writing about not writing' meta.