Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Fili-bust-your-bladder
“The senator from… Wyoming.”
“Thank you.”
He was an elderly man, in a rumpled tweed suit. Many of the senators who saw him take the podium couldn’t place the face. He was an easy man to ignore, an old and presumed senile senator from a backwater, rural state. He never really mattered much, except if you needed another vote for one of your motions and you couldn’t find anyone better. A simple man, and an insignificant politician.
After a slow walk from his desk in the back of the hall, he mounted the podium.
“I hope you don’t mind the IV bag,” he called out, shaking the bag suspended from the metal pole at his side. “Doctor’s orders and all that. I’m not as young as I used to be.”
He chuckled.
“Senators, I stand before you to filibuster the budget resolution for fiscal year twenty-seventeen. I will speak until I can no longer speak. I will speak as long as it takes, until the alarm is sounded coast to coast that our constitution is important, that the lives of American citizens are sacred, that no american should be killed by a done on american soil without first being charged with a crime. I do not oppose for the person, I oppose for the principle.”
“I brought my tablet with me today, and we all know that you can fit a great deal of books on here. In order to educate the senate today on the very principles of the America that we are sprung from, I will read ‘Crime and Punishment’, so that all may know that none are above the law.”
He adjusted his glasses, and began reading.
“On an exceptionally hot evening early in July,” he announced, voice filled with vigor. “A young man came out of the garret in which he lodged…”
--
“And as you can… see… this… is.. A… bad… thing…”
It was the third hour when the senator had stopped reading ‘Crime and Punishment’ and had started lecturing on the political backdrop of Harry Potter. After another thirty minutes, his voice had taken on an unsteady cadence, and he shifted from leg to leg, as if he had ants in his pants. The thin clear tube that led to the trash can filled with yellow. Several senators in the audience gave audible noises of disgust.
A nurse came up aisle and changed the now empty IV bag for a fresh one.
“Senators, as you all can see, I’m here for the long haul.”
“Mary had a little lamb, it’s fleece was white as snow. And everywhere Mary went, her american civil liberties were sure to go.”
---
At the twentieth hour, both tedium and delirium was setting in. There had been a steady stream of aides bringing food and drink to the assembled senators at their desks. No food was allowed to the speaker. To take a meal, would lose the floor.
There were odd shapes floating in the corner of his vision, colors that demanded to be smelled, tastes that scraped against his skin. Still, he persevered, tapping his way through his e-reader at a steady pace. His throat burned as he read in a monotone, and for a moment he considered tapping into his outbound pipeline to slake his thirst.
--
At the thirtieth hour, both of his bags had been replaced at least four times, he was fairly certain of that… maybe. The numbers in his head weren’t working. Trying to think was fuzzy, and the answers were slipping away. It was a hoarse voice that whispered into the microphone clutched in a veiny hand. There wasn’t much of the world left, other than the garbled text on the page that he was reading through, and the thin black speaking read. Through the black fog that filled the chamber, many of the senators were sleeping.
“Senator McConnel in those… fancy people pants. Most people liked the skivvy, but I liked the pants.”
The cats were spinning, and the papers on the podium were floating away.
“I yield the floor,” he wheezed, collapsing onto the blue carpeted floor of the Senate chamber.
The voice of the Speaker of the House was tired, flipping into his ears, then out his nose.
“The senator from Wyoming yields the floor.”
“Thank you.”
He was an elderly man, in a rumpled tweed suit. Many of the senators who saw him take the podium couldn’t place the face. He was an easy man to ignore, an old and presumed senile senator from a backwater, rural state. He never really mattered much, except if you needed another vote for one of your motions and you couldn’t find anyone better. A simple man, and an insignificant politician.
After a slow walk from his desk in the back of the hall, he mounted the podium.
“I hope you don’t mind the IV bag,” he called out, shaking the bag suspended from the metal pole at his side. “Doctor’s orders and all that. I’m not as young as I used to be.”
He chuckled.
“Senators, I stand before you to filibuster the budget resolution for fiscal year twenty-seventeen. I will speak until I can no longer speak. I will speak as long as it takes, until the alarm is sounded coast to coast that our constitution is important, that the lives of American citizens are sacred, that no american should be killed by a done on american soil without first being charged with a crime. I do not oppose for the person, I oppose for the principle.”
“I brought my tablet with me today, and we all know that you can fit a great deal of books on here. In order to educate the senate today on the very principles of the America that we are sprung from, I will read ‘Crime and Punishment’, so that all may know that none are above the law.”
He adjusted his glasses, and began reading.
“On an exceptionally hot evening early in July,” he announced, voice filled with vigor. “A young man came out of the garret in which he lodged…”
--
“And as you can… see… this… is.. A… bad… thing…”
It was the third hour when the senator had stopped reading ‘Crime and Punishment’ and had started lecturing on the political backdrop of Harry Potter. After another thirty minutes, his voice had taken on an unsteady cadence, and he shifted from leg to leg, as if he had ants in his pants. The thin clear tube that led to the trash can filled with yellow. Several senators in the audience gave audible noises of disgust.
A nurse came up aisle and changed the now empty IV bag for a fresh one.
“Senators, as you all can see, I’m here for the long haul.”
“Mary had a little lamb, it’s fleece was white as snow. And everywhere Mary went, her american civil liberties were sure to go.”
---
At the twentieth hour, both tedium and delirium was setting in. There had been a steady stream of aides bringing food and drink to the assembled senators at their desks. No food was allowed to the speaker. To take a meal, would lose the floor.
There were odd shapes floating in the corner of his vision, colors that demanded to be smelled, tastes that scraped against his skin. Still, he persevered, tapping his way through his e-reader at a steady pace. His throat burned as he read in a monotone, and for a moment he considered tapping into his outbound pipeline to slake his thirst.
--
At the thirtieth hour, both of his bags had been replaced at least four times, he was fairly certain of that… maybe. The numbers in his head weren’t working. Trying to think was fuzzy, and the answers were slipping away. It was a hoarse voice that whispered into the microphone clutched in a veiny hand. There wasn’t much of the world left, other than the garbled text on the page that he was reading through, and the thin black speaking read. Through the black fog that filled the chamber, many of the senators were sleeping.
“Senator McConnel in those… fancy people pants. Most people liked the skivvy, but I liked the pants.”
The cats were spinning, and the papers on the podium were floating away.
“I yield the floor,” he wheezed, collapsing onto the blue carpeted floor of the Senate chamber.
The voice of the Speaker of the House was tired, flipping into his ears, then out his nose.
“The senator from Wyoming yields the floor.”
This is rather confusing. I feel as though it is attempting to make a joke, but just never got there.
I'm honestly not sure what this piece is trying to do. Like, at all. It isn't really so much a story as just a thing that happens.
Beyond that, definitely needs an editorial pass to clean and tighten it.
Beyond that, definitely needs an editorial pass to clean and tighten it.
I will join the choir and, like the others, ask “What of it?”
I mean, we don’t even get to know if that ploy is successful or not. Or is it just to point out that, yes, the cliché is true, and Wyoming people are really hikes, grasping at the straws of an old, obsolete American ideal?
I wonder…
I mean, we don’t even get to know if that ploy is successful or not. Or is it just to point out that, yes, the cliché is true, and Wyoming people are really hikes, grasping at the straws of an old, obsolete American ideal?
I wonder…
This is a tough one. For the author, I would expect that this kind of feedback must be frustrating, because no one seems to be really on the right wavelength. Unfortunately, that's partly because of the story itself. I think you've got some things working at cross-purposes here - with the story's title being the most egregious and setting up for a totally different experience than what your story actually provides.
For those not in America or less familiar with the oddities of our politics, the filibuster is a procedural detail where a speaker in Congress can take the floor and begin speaking, in order to delay a crucial vote or other action. As long as they hold the floor, no other action can concurrently take place. There are limits to this - you must continue speaking, you cannot take a break to eat or use the restroom, etc. As such, outside of a few exceptional cases where there are time limits, it's primarily a symbolic action, a kind of protest by a minority political actor who cannot change the outcome of a decision, only delay it and draw attention to its perceived injustice.
As such, there's the core of something here, about a person fighting an ultimately doomed struggle, limited by their own body, against political forces that are enacting something evil. Unfortunately, a lot of those pieces don't actually come through well. It's clear this is inspired by recent political events, but this doesn't use those particularly well. I feel like the author held back, trying to keep this from being too partisanly political, when really that might have saved it. It's an interesting concept, but one that fails to connect. (and boy, again, the title is truly awful and misleading)
So, uh, I write all this to let the writer at least know someone out there is trying to get what you're going for. I know I've certainly written stories that have had some kind of central misfire and then been immensely frustrated when no one else can get past it to see what I was trying to do. (if I am correctly interpreting you at least)
For those not in America or less familiar with the oddities of our politics, the filibuster is a procedural detail where a speaker in Congress can take the floor and begin speaking, in order to delay a crucial vote or other action. As long as they hold the floor, no other action can concurrently take place. There are limits to this - you must continue speaking, you cannot take a break to eat or use the restroom, etc. As such, outside of a few exceptional cases where there are time limits, it's primarily a symbolic action, a kind of protest by a minority political actor who cannot change the outcome of a decision, only delay it and draw attention to its perceived injustice.
As such, there's the core of something here, about a person fighting an ultimately doomed struggle, limited by their own body, against political forces that are enacting something evil. Unfortunately, a lot of those pieces don't actually come through well. It's clear this is inspired by recent political events, but this doesn't use those particularly well. I feel like the author held back, trying to keep this from being too partisanly political, when really that might have saved it. It's an interesting concept, but one that fails to connect. (and boy, again, the title is truly awful and misleading)
So, uh, I write all this to let the writer at least know someone out there is trying to get what you're going for. I know I've certainly written stories that have had some kind of central misfire and then been immensely frustrated when no one else can get past it to see what I was trying to do. (if I am correctly interpreting you at least)
Do you really pay attention when you read something? I'm not American myself but it was pretty clear what were the senator's intentions, that he was wasting time to delay something.
However, there are two things that I think would have benefited the story.
One, you should have told us what the senator wanted to delay, what he was fighting for.
And two, we don't really feel the senator's struggle because the POV is too neutral. Going for the senator's POV could have been a chance to know how hard it was to speak for so long, being hungry and thirsty and fighting sleep.
However, there are two things that I think would have benefited the story.
One, you should have told us what the senator wanted to delay, what he was fighting for.
And two, we don't really feel the senator's struggle because the POV is too neutral. Going for the senator's POV could have been a chance to know how hard it was to speak for so long, being hungry and thirsty and fighting sleep.
So... I think part of why so many people are giving you 'meh' responses to this is that you've fundamentally written about something boring, and it doesn't seem to have enough of a twist to bring it back around to 'interesting'.
This story is basically about someone struggling to waste time. Is it really so surprising that most people felt it was kinda bleh?
As far as suggestions to improve it, I'd say perhaps try tying into the emotions behind this guy's reasoning. He apparently cares about what's going on here strongly enough that he's willing to risk his health for it, so he, at least, feels like there's a good reason to do this. If you could communicate that to me better, maybe I'd feel more strongly about the story as well.
Alternately, making this more ridiculous and maxing the absurdist comedy route, which is hinted at by the IV and catheter, could also work. Have them bring in a garden hose instead of an IV stand. Have the other senators gnawing off their legs to escape. Something that makes this fundamentally about something besides wasting time.
Oh, and the fact that he got synesthesia when he was tired was weird to me. Pretty sure that's not a normal symptom for sleep deprivation.
This story is basically about someone struggling to waste time. Is it really so surprising that most people felt it was kinda bleh?
As far as suggestions to improve it, I'd say perhaps try tying into the emotions behind this guy's reasoning. He apparently cares about what's going on here strongly enough that he's willing to risk his health for it, so he, at least, feels like there's a good reason to do this. If you could communicate that to me better, maybe I'd feel more strongly about the story as well.
Alternately, making this more ridiculous and maxing the absurdist comedy route, which is hinted at by the IV and catheter, could also work. Have them bring in a garden hose instead of an IV stand. Have the other senators gnawing off their legs to escape. Something that makes this fundamentally about something besides wasting time.
Oh, and the fact that he got synesthesia when he was tired was weird to me. Pretty sure that's not a normal symptom for sleep deprivation.
I'm judging based only on what was presented in the story.
The writing was good, but the premis was boring. I have no idea why this guy is talking, or what he's talking about. There are very few things stated out right, and there isn't enough context to guess the rest.
3/10
That being said, after reading explanations in the comments, the story became much more interesting and gripping. Had we known that he was trying to delay something, and what it was, the story would have been infinitely better.
The writing was good, but the premis was boring. I have no idea why this guy is talking, or what he's talking about. There are very few things stated out right, and there isn't enough context to guess the rest.
3/10
That being said, after reading explanations in the comments, the story became much more interesting and gripping. Had we known that he was trying to delay something, and what it was, the story would have been infinitely better.
I will further note that the story does give the senator's reason for the filibuster:
“Senators, I stand before you to filibuster the budget resolution for fiscal year twenty-seventeen. I will speak until I can no longer speak. I will speak as long as it takes, until the alarm is sounded coast to coast that our constitution is important, that the lives of American citizens are sacred, that no american should be killed by a done on american soil without first being charged with a crime. I do not oppose for the person, I oppose for the principle.”
I think this is somewhat ill-placed in terms of coming up before the reader has a handle on what's happening. And the issue in question is important but feels less tangible/resonant/connected to the current bugbears of political focus. But it's there.
“Senators, I stand before you to filibuster the budget resolution for fiscal year twenty-seventeen. I will speak until I can no longer speak. I will speak as long as it takes, until the alarm is sounded coast to coast that our constitution is important, that the lives of American citizens are sacred, that no american should be killed by a done on american soil without first being charged with a crime. I do not oppose for the person, I oppose for the principle.”
I think this is somewhat ill-placed in terms of coming up before the reader has a handle on what's happening. And the issue in question is important but feels less tangible/resonant/connected to the current bugbears of political focus. But it's there.
>>Ferd Threstle
I'm not actually sure I can agree with you (re: person fighting an ultimately doomed struggle), since if that was the intent was to represent that, I feel they misfired massively. Simply put, the lead ends up feeling more like a man that is being mocked by the piece, rather than a struggling hero.
Raising the specter of senility and then having such a ridiculous collapse (alongside his apparent willingness to just chip in with whatever normally) kinda implies that he might -actually- be senile, which I feel takes away from the struggle. This is further amplified by how chill people are about things at the end.
I dunno, I just feel this is written a bit too comedically to really take it seriously as an old man's struggle.
I'm not actually sure I can agree with you (re: person fighting an ultimately doomed struggle), since if that was the intent was to represent that, I feel they misfired massively. Simply put, the lead ends up feeling more like a man that is being mocked by the piece, rather than a struggling hero.
Raising the specter of senility and then having such a ridiculous collapse (alongside his apparent willingness to just chip in with whatever normally) kinda implies that he might -actually- be senile, which I feel takes away from the struggle. This is further amplified by how chill people are about things at the end.
I dunno, I just feel this is written a bit too comedically to really take it seriously as an old man's struggle.
I'm familiar with what a filibuster is, and though it could make for an interesting story, I don't think this quite captures my imagination.
I think >>Not_A_Hat put it really well:
The story mostly focuses on the senator struggling to keep reading and being tired, and the reactions from everyone else in the room, but doesn't really speak to the senator's specific emotions about this. It's stated early on why he's doing a filibuster, but more of his emotions related to trying to delay the senate would've helped to make this story more personal and feel more real and engaging. I think "opposing for the principle" and 'murica and all that is a bit too generic to feel personal. Why is this senator, specifically, standing up for this, as opposed to any other senator? Something to think about, I suppose.
The ending feels deflating. It almost paints the Speaker as a strawman, since someone talking "out his nose" is usually seen as snobbish, if I'm not mistaken.
I think >>Not_A_Hat put it really well:
This story is basically about someone struggling to waste time. Is it really so surprising that most people felt it was kinda bleh?
The story mostly focuses on the senator struggling to keep reading and being tired, and the reactions from everyone else in the room, but doesn't really speak to the senator's specific emotions about this. It's stated early on why he's doing a filibuster, but more of his emotions related to trying to delay the senate would've helped to make this story more personal and feel more real and engaging. I think "opposing for the principle" and 'murica and all that is a bit too generic to feel personal. Why is this senator, specifically, standing up for this, as opposed to any other senator? Something to think about, I suppose.
The ending feels deflating. It almost paints the Speaker as a strawman, since someone talking "out his nose" is usually seen as snobbish, if I'm not mistaken.
