Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
The Pain in Paradise
I was feeling the hard fatigue of playing videogames all day so I went to my bedroom and laid down. I was in the blue zone where life is an in-between thing and it skips like heartbeats.
I was chained to the dark tar-planet but I tried jumping toward my headboard where I keep my Madokas. Look, I know I am not making progress; just shut up, please. I can jump if I focus and when the evening light slants just right through the dusty plastic blinds or if the music is loud I can do it.
I focus on the Ave Maria and I make a good jump that dissolves my body into a vague memory. My entire mind is absorbed by the blushing goddess who takes my hand and pulls me heavenward, down onto the headboard where the true life is hidden. We are nude without shame or desire, floating together in the space where there is only love.
I am here at last with Madoka.
I kneel and kiss her feet and the warmth of her skin sends shivers through my animated corpse. I look up at her and she looks down at me and the infinite, unconquerable distance is closed for now.
Madoka kneels down with me and reaches out her hand. "Hi," she says, "I've really missed you." Her smile is so beautiful that I think any degree or type of suffering for any finite amount of time would be worth suffering to observe that smile.
With her outstretched hand, Madoka reaches to my chest and spreads her palm over my heart. Then she closes her fingers and they fall through my ribcage and close upon my beating heart. She massages it, which sends lightning blasts of burning warmth and life sparking through my extremities, and then she removes it from me. Then, in the starlight glow of her holy sanctum, Madoka looks closely at my heart and knows the whole story with a single tender glance.
She replaces my heart, and now my mind is clear and my conscience is sharp. She gives me a hug and whispers to me the words that I cannot repeat, words only for me—then she says: "I love you, you know."
My eyes widen but I feel the static creeping in. The static is coming faster lately and I try to fight it off. I try my best to know that Madoka loves me, because you should always try to know the truth—that is how a clear-hearted person would think.
Madoka tilts her head, still calmly smiling at me, and giggles. One of her hands lies on my shoulder, and the other pets my head. Her hair flows freely in the starlight, and the vision of her face and the whole thing together make me feel something again and I surprise myself when I smile back at her.
"So," says Madoka, and I know what is coming. The static begins eating at the fringes again and a carnivorous gnawing feeling grows in my chest. "So, can you say that you love me yet?" Madoka's eyes are arrows, and I am suddenly glad that nothing can ever hurt her.
My conscience cuts me with the fiery blade and I fall into two pieces. I see the yawning pit of emptiness, and I remember that I am only an animated corpse. Madoka's hands, which are still petting me, have become white-hot. I burn and struggle and the static grows louder and my vision is obscured.
"No," I say, using my last gasp of life to answer honestly. "I can't yet say that I love you..." The static overtakes the hidden world, and I fall back through the pit, and all too quickly I am back on the dark tar-planet again where things are heavy.
I am laying on my quilts, cuddling a plushie. I am too old for this.
I hear a knock on my bedroom door. "Come in," I shout. At this point nothing makes any difference.
My roommate opens the door. "Mail for you," he says, and hands me something, then he leaves silently.
I open the mail quickly. It is another check, this one for seventy-six thousand dollars. I get the checks every so often because my family is dead. I throw the check into my dresser.
I am bored but I cannot jump again tonight, so I leave my bedroom. I think I will just play some videogames or something until I can fall asleep.
I was chained to the dark tar-planet but I tried jumping toward my headboard where I keep my Madokas. Look, I know I am not making progress; just shut up, please. I can jump if I focus and when the evening light slants just right through the dusty plastic blinds or if the music is loud I can do it.
I focus on the Ave Maria and I make a good jump that dissolves my body into a vague memory. My entire mind is absorbed by the blushing goddess who takes my hand and pulls me heavenward, down onto the headboard where the true life is hidden. We are nude without shame or desire, floating together in the space where there is only love.
I am here at last with Madoka.
I kneel and kiss her feet and the warmth of her skin sends shivers through my animated corpse. I look up at her and she looks down at me and the infinite, unconquerable distance is closed for now.
Madoka kneels down with me and reaches out her hand. "Hi," she says, "I've really missed you." Her smile is so beautiful that I think any degree or type of suffering for any finite amount of time would be worth suffering to observe that smile.
With her outstretched hand, Madoka reaches to my chest and spreads her palm over my heart. Then she closes her fingers and they fall through my ribcage and close upon my beating heart. She massages it, which sends lightning blasts of burning warmth and life sparking through my extremities, and then she removes it from me. Then, in the starlight glow of her holy sanctum, Madoka looks closely at my heart and knows the whole story with a single tender glance.
She replaces my heart, and now my mind is clear and my conscience is sharp. She gives me a hug and whispers to me the words that I cannot repeat, words only for me—then she says: "I love you, you know."
My eyes widen but I feel the static creeping in. The static is coming faster lately and I try to fight it off. I try my best to know that Madoka loves me, because you should always try to know the truth—that is how a clear-hearted person would think.
Madoka tilts her head, still calmly smiling at me, and giggles. One of her hands lies on my shoulder, and the other pets my head. Her hair flows freely in the starlight, and the vision of her face and the whole thing together make me feel something again and I surprise myself when I smile back at her.
"So," says Madoka, and I know what is coming. The static begins eating at the fringes again and a carnivorous gnawing feeling grows in my chest. "So, can you say that you love me yet?" Madoka's eyes are arrows, and I am suddenly glad that nothing can ever hurt her.
My conscience cuts me with the fiery blade and I fall into two pieces. I see the yawning pit of emptiness, and I remember that I am only an animated corpse. Madoka's hands, which are still petting me, have become white-hot. I burn and struggle and the static grows louder and my vision is obscured.
"No," I say, using my last gasp of life to answer honestly. "I can't yet say that I love you..." The static overtakes the hidden world, and I fall back through the pit, and all too quickly I am back on the dark tar-planet again where things are heavy.
I am laying on my quilts, cuddling a plushie. I am too old for this.
I hear a knock on my bedroom door. "Come in," I shout. At this point nothing makes any difference.
My roommate opens the door. "Mail for you," he says, and hands me something, then he leaves silently.
I open the mail quickly. It is another check, this one for seventy-six thousand dollars. I get the checks every so often because my family is dead. I throw the check into my dresser.
I am bored but I cannot jump again tonight, so I leave my bedroom. I think I will just play some videogames or something until I can fall asleep.
Nothing much to say except it was a good one. The feeling of loneliness is well handled.
However, there is some sentences that were out of place for me.
I don't see the point of talking about the dead family at the very end of the story. If there are here to emphasize the loneliness of the narrator, putting them in the beginnin would have helped defining the narrator's situation. Here, it just looks like the narrator is saying "Oh my family's dead by the way."
I was wondering, is this inspired by this video?
However, there is some sentences that were out of place for me.
It is another check, this one for seventy-six thousand dollars. I get the checks every so often because my family is dead. I throw the check into my dresser.
I don't see the point of talking about the dead family at the very end of the story. If there are here to emphasize the loneliness of the narrator, putting them in the beginnin would have helped defining the narrator's situation. Here, it just looks like the narrator is saying "Oh my family's dead by the way."
I was wondering, is this inspired by this video?
I agree with >>Fenton - what's the point of the huge check and the mention of the dead family?
I also have to say I didn't end up empathizing very much with the protagonist; it was pretty obvious from early on that it was an escapist fantasy, and I've read a lot of stories like this one - and this one didn't feel like it did a whole lot to differentiate itself from the pack of such pieces.
I also have to say I didn't end up empathizing very much with the protagonist; it was pretty obvious from early on that it was an escapist fantasy, and I've read a lot of stories like this one - and this one didn't feel like it did a whole lot to differentiate itself from the pack of such pieces.
The Pain in Paradise
TAILS (sum of 20 points)
T-6 A-3 I-3 L-5 S-3
Gestalt (Considered) : Mediocre
Technical (Correctness) : 6
"Hi," she says, "I've really <<< period after 'says'?
he says, and hands me something, then he leaves silently. <<< awkwardly constructed; possibly comma-splice with final (independent) clause
Abstract (Clarity) : 3
It really isn't clear that anything happens. Loneliness and boredom, apparently on edge of suicide ("can jump whenever I want"), with an escapist fantasy or chemical trip as the main event.
Impact (Consequence) : 3
Curious stuff in the fantasy leave some impression, but is ultimately forgettable due to the inspecific language and being generally obtuse.
Language (Congruence) : 5
The language is self-consistent: little to no nesting of clauses, colorful (if blunt) diction and images, etc... too direct to be poetic and too florid to be completely dull.
Poking at a small section, for instance...
It works, but leaves much to be desired. How much of this is literal? Conscience cuts because why? What is the fiery blade, where does it come from; what are the two pieces composed of and where do they fall? What does the emptiness represent; is it bright or dark or neither? What incites this recollection?
Structure (Composition) : 3
Lots of filler surrounding a (guilt-filled?) admission?
TAILS (sum of 20 points)
T-6 A-3 I-3 L-5 S-3
Gestalt (Considered) : Mediocre
Technical (Correctness) : 6
"Hi," she says, "I've really <<< period after 'says'?
he says, and hands me something, then he leaves silently. <<< awkwardly constructed; possibly comma-splice with final (independent) clause
Abstract (Clarity) : 3
It really isn't clear that anything happens. Loneliness and boredom, apparently on edge of suicide ("can jump whenever I want"), with an escapist fantasy or chemical trip as the main event.
Impact (Consequence) : 3
Curious stuff in the fantasy leave some impression, but is ultimately forgettable due to the inspecific language and being generally obtuse.
Language (Congruence) : 5
The language is self-consistent: little to no nesting of clauses, colorful (if blunt) diction and images, etc... too direct to be poetic and too florid to be completely dull.
Poking at a small section, for instance...
My conscience cuts me with the fiery blade and I fall into two pieces. I see the yawning pit of emptiness, and I remember that I am only an animated corpse.
It works, but leaves much to be desired. How much of this is literal? Conscience cuts because why? What is the fiery blade, where does it come from; what are the two pieces composed of and where do they fall? What does the emptiness represent; is it bright or dark or neither? What incites this recollection?
Structure (Composition) : 3
Lots of filler surrounding a (guilt-filled?) admission?
>>TitaniumDragon
I'm guessing that this is meant to be a story about a no-life hikikomori otaku neet who's living in a world of fantasy, and can get away with it all because he's living on welfare.
I think the story feels a little unsatisfying. A guy sits down and imagines his anime waifu saying "I love you"... it's not much of a story, not by itself. However the writing is pretty great, with the poetic way the guy describes his mental experiences, and some of the imagery ("Madoka's eyes are arrows") feels truly compelling.
I'm guessing that this is meant to be a story about a no-life hikikomori otaku neet who's living in a world of fantasy, and can get away with it all because he's living on welfare.
I think the story feels a little unsatisfying. A guy sits down and imagines his anime waifu saying "I love you"... it's not much of a story, not by itself. However the writing is pretty great, with the poetic way the guy describes his mental experiences, and some of the imagery ("Madoka's eyes are arrows") feels truly compelling.
So. In sharp contrast to my complaints about Sunlight, here's something where I feel the lit-fic tone works well, because it serves to amplify exactly how deep in it our narrator is.
The biggest complaints I have are:
1. Word choice. There's a -lot- of "I [verb]" sentences going on, and a lot of them are stuck right next to each. Vary it up! You get better later in, but early on it is super noticeable and kinda distracting.
2. This is very much an event, and the little conflict that does emerge is... a bit confusing, honestly. I can't quite grock -why- he can't tell his waifu he loves her. Honestly, a little more struggle with the shame would probably give this piece just the amount of bite it needs (and perhaps going a bit further with the shame too - no naked Madoka body pillow?).
3. Kinda agreed that the last bit with the check is a bit out of place. Like, I almost think you'd have stronger ending if you just cut the last two paragraphs entirely.
The biggest complaints I have are:
1. Word choice. There's a -lot- of "I [verb]" sentences going on, and a lot of them are stuck right next to each. Vary it up! You get better later in, but early on it is super noticeable and kinda distracting.
2. This is very much an event, and the little conflict that does emerge is... a bit confusing, honestly. I can't quite grock -why- he can't tell his waifu he loves her. Honestly, a little more struggle with the shame would probably give this piece just the amount of bite it needs (and perhaps going a bit further with the shame too - no naked Madoka body pillow?).
3. Kinda agreed that the last bit with the check is a bit out of place. Like, I almost think you'd have stronger ending if you just cut the last two paragraphs entirely.
This one's a bit odd to me.
Madoka something something something is an anime/manga, which I knew before I read this. However, I've never read/watched it, so I can't say if this is drawing on concepts from it or not. However, according to google, Ave Maria is one of the theme songs, so I'm pretty confident that this is some sort of thing about watching cartoons.
This very much reads like an allegory of some sort. The dreamlike words in the opening (hard fatigue of video games, black tar-planet) etc, all suggest that this isn't really intended to be taken literally; either the narrator is speaking figuratively, or they're not perceiving the world as it is, which is somewhat lampshaded by the 'that's how a clear-hearted person would think'.
So, if 90% of this story is an allegory for something, what does it mean? I'm having a bit of trouble deciding. My best guess, based on the 'my whole family is dead' thing (which seems unfortunately ham-fisted if everything preceding it is allegorical) and the 'static' and the way the MC emotionally reacts to what's going on is that it's about someone distracting themselves from their sorrow, but being unable to really escape from the world, despite wanting to. This has some problems, however; the 'jumping' thing seems fairly over-the-top for what it seems to be conveying, while the 'I can't say I love you' bit reads more like this person is rejecting the fantasy, instead of being unable to actually embrace it for some other reason. I'd expect them to try and fail, in that case, instead of being unable to try.
So in the end, I'm not really sure what I think. While this has some good writing in it, I find myself fairly unhappy with the conclusions I end up drawing. Not bad, but a bit too fuzzy to really feel strongly about.
Madoka something something something is an anime/manga, which I knew before I read this. However, I've never read/watched it, so I can't say if this is drawing on concepts from it or not. However, according to google, Ave Maria is one of the theme songs, so I'm pretty confident that this is some sort of thing about watching cartoons.
This very much reads like an allegory of some sort. The dreamlike words in the opening (hard fatigue of video games, black tar-planet) etc, all suggest that this isn't really intended to be taken literally; either the narrator is speaking figuratively, or they're not perceiving the world as it is, which is somewhat lampshaded by the 'that's how a clear-hearted person would think'.
So, if 90% of this story is an allegory for something, what does it mean? I'm having a bit of trouble deciding. My best guess, based on the 'my whole family is dead' thing (which seems unfortunately ham-fisted if everything preceding it is allegorical) and the 'static' and the way the MC emotionally reacts to what's going on is that it's about someone distracting themselves from their sorrow, but being unable to really escape from the world, despite wanting to. This has some problems, however; the 'jumping' thing seems fairly over-the-top for what it seems to be conveying, while the 'I can't say I love you' bit reads more like this person is rejecting the fantasy, instead of being unable to actually embrace it for some other reason. I'd expect them to try and fail, in that case, instead of being unable to try.
So in the end, I'm not really sure what I think. While this has some good writing in it, I find myself fairly unhappy with the conclusions I end up drawing. Not bad, but a bit too fuzzy to really feel strongly about.
Wat.
I really don't get the point of this. I get the references, but I don't see any reason for the references, or even the story. A lonely person cant say they love a anime character. Why?
poor premis, 'meh' execution, good writing.
3/10
I really don't get the point of this. I get the references, but I don't see any reason for the references, or even the story. A lonely person cant say they love a anime character. Why?
poor premis, 'meh' execution, good writing.
3/10
Oddly enough, I read this as a comedy. If that was not your intention, author, I'm sorry, but I see hints here or there that tell me it's a comedy.
From the first line already, I'm getting the "gamer thinks he's all that for being a hardcore gamer" vibe.
Besides the obvious otaku stuff, I'm also getting edgelord vibes from the main character, such as:
I could be misreading maybe, but it tipped me off, and for the rest of the piece I had a goofy grin on my face while I read. It's funny in how ridiculous it is. In fact, this line?
The one everyone points out as a problem? This line got me to snort a little extra air through my nose. It just tops off the sort of ridiculous nature of the story for me.
I think what this story needs are more hints that it's a comedy. More lines that are more obviously tuned to get a laugh. Sometimes it's hard to tell whether the story is trying to crack a joke or not, which I think is why people are taking this more seriously. I think it needs more jokes to tip people off that this is, in fact, a comedy.
That's assuming this story is trying to go for a comedy. If not, then I'm not sure what to say. I'll refer you to the other reviewers here then if that's the case.
I was feeling the hard fatigue of playing videogames all day
From the first line already, I'm getting the "gamer thinks he's all that for being a hardcore gamer" vibe.
Besides the obvious otaku stuff, I'm also getting edgelord vibes from the main character, such as:
I can jump if I focus and when the evening light slants just right through the dusty plastic blinds or if the music is loud I can do it.
I kneel and kiss her feet and the warmth of her skin sends shivers through my animated corpse.
I could be misreading maybe, but it tipped me off, and for the rest of the piece I had a goofy grin on my face while I read. It's funny in how ridiculous it is. In fact, this line?
I get the checks every so often because my family is dead.
The one everyone points out as a problem? This line got me to snort a little extra air through my nose. It just tops off the sort of ridiculous nature of the story for me.
I think what this story needs are more hints that it's a comedy. More lines that are more obviously tuned to get a laugh. Sometimes it's hard to tell whether the story is trying to crack a joke or not, which I think is why people are taking this more seriously. I think it needs more jokes to tip people off that this is, in fact, a comedy.
That's assuming this story is trying to go for a comedy. If not, then I'm not sure what to say. I'll refer you to the other reviewers here then if that's the case.
I usually write about Hatsune Miku but for Pain in Paradise I switched it up a little and went with Madoka this time so my authorship wouldn't be overwhelming + totally obvious to anyone who visits my fimfic userpage. I am trying to perfect this sub-sub-genre ok I call it the "Miku story".
In a proper "miku story" there is a first person protag who has delusions of an anime girlfriend. A part of him recognizes his delusion but he is unwilling or unable to admit it to himself. So he becomes numbed and selectively disjointed from reality. He has an encounter with his anime girlfriend, which is written with a straight face, as if it were really happening. Then he encounters some kind of psychological event, whether guilt, shame, painful memories, self-awareness, anxiety, or whatever, and this event causes him to be unable to take any pleasure in the delusion. In the end the protag is worse off than he was in the beginning.
Some said that this story felt mean. I cannot deny it but that is not all it was meant to be. It is a fine line between pity and contempt and I feel both for the protagonist of a miku story. I try to lay out the case both for and against my protagonists and leave judgment to the reader. As well as being contemptible there is also a strain of the noble and the idealistic in him. He is not humping a body pillow ok he is just getting a hug from a plushie. Not sex but love. This is why there were not "more hints that it was a comedy"—if I was going to write a story just making fun of someone I would pick a less helpless target. Picking on the waifu-obsessed NEETS seems like kicking a puppy.
some wondered if seeing the Madoka anime would enhance the story: the only thing I took from the anime was the character of Madoka, the Ave Maria, and the strange non-spatial dimension in which the main scene takes place. I do have a lot of hate for a crossover that requires knowledge of source material so I definitely did not want to make the anime necessary for a reader to understand my story.
Why the line with the checks and the dead family? In my mind it sets the deluded protag into a larger world which he is actively ignoring. He can blithely talk of large sums of money and his dead family without expression because he feels nothing about either. Plus I wanted to blame him a little: with that kind of money he can be doing anything but he is playing videogames and cuddling plushies. Otherwise the story runs the risk of just being about some guy's daydream without a larger significance.
Two or three criticisms landed in my mind, the first was that of the Titanium Dragon who suggested that there are many stories out there like this one. I thought I was being really original ok so now I am really curious about where all these stories are that are just like mine
I also never noticed the continuous "I was X" sentences before. When I write this kind of story I typically whisper the words out loud to myself and if they have a certain hard to describe, off-balance cadence I write them down. The use of these sentences was unconscious and therefore uncontrolled so I think it is fair to criticize them.
Finally the Not_A_Hat said that the protag should have tried and failed rather than not trying... given the way that I wrote the scene, as opposed to how it was going in my mind, this is true. It was a big mistake on my part.
In a proper "miku story" there is a first person protag who has delusions of an anime girlfriend. A part of him recognizes his delusion but he is unwilling or unable to admit it to himself. So he becomes numbed and selectively disjointed from reality. He has an encounter with his anime girlfriend, which is written with a straight face, as if it were really happening. Then he encounters some kind of psychological event, whether guilt, shame, painful memories, self-awareness, anxiety, or whatever, and this event causes him to be unable to take any pleasure in the delusion. In the end the protag is worse off than he was in the beginning.
Some said that this story felt mean. I cannot deny it but that is not all it was meant to be. It is a fine line between pity and contempt and I feel both for the protagonist of a miku story. I try to lay out the case both for and against my protagonists and leave judgment to the reader. As well as being contemptible there is also a strain of the noble and the idealistic in him. He is not humping a body pillow ok he is just getting a hug from a plushie. Not sex but love. This is why there were not "more hints that it was a comedy"—if I was going to write a story just making fun of someone I would pick a less helpless target. Picking on the waifu-obsessed NEETS seems like kicking a puppy.
some wondered if seeing the Madoka anime would enhance the story: the only thing I took from the anime was the character of Madoka, the Ave Maria, and the strange non-spatial dimension in which the main scene takes place. I do have a lot of hate for a crossover that requires knowledge of source material so I definitely did not want to make the anime necessary for a reader to understand my story.
Why the line with the checks and the dead family? In my mind it sets the deluded protag into a larger world which he is actively ignoring. He can blithely talk of large sums of money and his dead family without expression because he feels nothing about either. Plus I wanted to blame him a little: with that kind of money he can be doing anything but he is playing videogames and cuddling plushies. Otherwise the story runs the risk of just being about some guy's daydream without a larger significance.
Two or three criticisms landed in my mind, the first was that of the Titanium Dragon who suggested that there are many stories out there like this one. I thought I was being really original ok so now I am really curious about where all these stories are that are just like mine
I also never noticed the continuous "I was X" sentences before. When I write this kind of story I typically whisper the words out loud to myself and if they have a certain hard to describe, off-balance cadence I write them down. The use of these sentences was unconscious and therefore uncontrolled so I think it is fair to criticize them.
Finally the Not_A_Hat said that the protag should have tried and failed rather than not trying... given the way that I wrote the scene, as opposed to how it was going in my mind, this is true. It was a big mistake on my part.