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Sentinel
There is someone coming. Old eyes open, old lungs breathe stale air. Old bones pop and creak but obey, and I rise.
In the wall, a carved out hollow has wood, cloth, and oil. The wood is still fresh, the cloth is still soft, even the oil has not dried. Old fingers stiff and numb struggle to make a torch, until the fire catches and light floods the room. I am blinded, but wait patiently until I can see.
The small chamber is the same as it was. Smooth rock floor and walls, and empty, save for the small mat I sat upon. The stone door remains sealed. Opposite the door, an opening in the wall reveals stairs leading up. I take a deep, wheezing breath, and dust dances in the torchlight as I limp up the bloodied limestone steps.
I emerge from the doorway, and the cave opens up before me. I see people, the light of their torches barely repelling the pressing darkness, and they see me as well. They shout to each other in a language I do not understand. I remain before the path down, my torch held high, as the three of them walk amongst the bones toward me.
They talk hushedly to each other as they approach, cautious. I see it is a woman and two men, all with torches and dressed in strange clothing. One of the men holds an instrument of wood and metal pointed at me, and the others let him walk first.
They come to a stop ten steps away, and the man speaks up in a harsh tone, asking something. I do not understand, and shake my head slowly. I know it is futile, but I raise my own voice, raspy and dry, and say the words.
“This is a holy place –” I am interrupted by the woman, who barks something to the man in front. He repeats what he said before, and I shake my head again.
“Leave,” I say, and I can tell they do not understand.
The woman urges on the man again, and he raises his device and walks toward me. I nod, and fly to meet him, sword drawn. Lightning flashes and thunder claps, and when it stops the man is dead. In one motion, I pull my sword out of him and leap at the woman. She screams as I cut her down, and then I turn to the third. He has dropped his torch, and is pleading in the strange language of theirs, with his open hands held up in front of him. His lifeless body joins his companions’ on the ground, and I wipe my sword before sheathing it.
The cave is silent once again. I look around, before noticing the holes in my chest and how much they hurt. I grit my teeth, and turn around. “This is a holy place. You who disturb it shall find only death,” reads the warning above the door, and I descend once more. My breathing is heavier now, as if the air is escaping through my wounds. I stain the limestone steps further.
In the small chamber, I stumble forward and fall. The pain is overwhelming, and in this moment I want nothing more than rest. But I crawl forward to the mat, and drag myself to my knees. I place a broken hand on the sealed door, and raise my head.
“I do my duty. Anapa, give me strength.” I feel my flesh twisting and wounds closing. The bleeding stops, but the pain remains.
“Your servant, now and all eternity.” I lower my hand, and close my eyes.
In the wall, a carved out hollow has wood, cloth, and oil. The wood is still fresh, the cloth is still soft, even the oil has not dried. Old fingers stiff and numb struggle to make a torch, until the fire catches and light floods the room. I am blinded, but wait patiently until I can see.
The small chamber is the same as it was. Smooth rock floor and walls, and empty, save for the small mat I sat upon. The stone door remains sealed. Opposite the door, an opening in the wall reveals stairs leading up. I take a deep, wheezing breath, and dust dances in the torchlight as I limp up the bloodied limestone steps.
I emerge from the doorway, and the cave opens up before me. I see people, the light of their torches barely repelling the pressing darkness, and they see me as well. They shout to each other in a language I do not understand. I remain before the path down, my torch held high, as the three of them walk amongst the bones toward me.
They talk hushedly to each other as they approach, cautious. I see it is a woman and two men, all with torches and dressed in strange clothing. One of the men holds an instrument of wood and metal pointed at me, and the others let him walk first.
They come to a stop ten steps away, and the man speaks up in a harsh tone, asking something. I do not understand, and shake my head slowly. I know it is futile, but I raise my own voice, raspy and dry, and say the words.
“This is a holy place –” I am interrupted by the woman, who barks something to the man in front. He repeats what he said before, and I shake my head again.
“Leave,” I say, and I can tell they do not understand.
The woman urges on the man again, and he raises his device and walks toward me. I nod, and fly to meet him, sword drawn. Lightning flashes and thunder claps, and when it stops the man is dead. In one motion, I pull my sword out of him and leap at the woman. She screams as I cut her down, and then I turn to the third. He has dropped his torch, and is pleading in the strange language of theirs, with his open hands held up in front of him. His lifeless body joins his companions’ on the ground, and I wipe my sword before sheathing it.
The cave is silent once again. I look around, before noticing the holes in my chest and how much they hurt. I grit my teeth, and turn around. “This is a holy place. You who disturb it shall find only death,” reads the warning above the door, and I descend once more. My breathing is heavier now, as if the air is escaping through my wounds. I stain the limestone steps further.
In the small chamber, I stumble forward and fall. The pain is overwhelming, and in this moment I want nothing more than rest. But I crawl forward to the mat, and drag myself to my knees. I place a broken hand on the sealed door, and raise my head.
“I do my duty. Anapa, give me strength.” I feel my flesh twisting and wounds closing. The bleeding stops, but the pain remains.
“Your servant, now and all eternity.” I lower my hand, and close my eyes.
hey I like this one!
I had to google "Anapa" and so I guess it is Anubis and we are in Egypt. Still in my mind this is Skyrim and the sentinel is a draugr... this makes me think it is cool to see the motivation of the faceless undead mooks.
It is well paced and all that stuff, a good job all round. Nice diction and no pretentiousness
if you force me to complain about something I will suggest that this one has no "larger theme" i.e. statement about life, but I mean come on, who cares. Ain't nobody got time for that, and the story is a fun and immersive time.
I had to google "Anapa" and so I guess it is Anubis and we are in Egypt. Still in my mind this is Skyrim and the sentinel is a draugr... this makes me think it is cool to see the motivation of the faceless undead mooks.
It is well paced and all that stuff, a good job all round. Nice diction and no pretentiousness
if you force me to complain about something I will suggest that this one has no "larger theme" i.e. statement about life, but I mean come on, who cares. Ain't nobody got time for that, and the story is a fun and immersive time.
Ultimately this feels kind of hollow--ancient guard pops up, effortlessly kills some archeologists (?), goes back to sleep, the end. Basically, nothing we haven't already seen a lot of times in countless movies and novels, and the fact that we're seeing it from the monster's POV doesn't really fix it. I hoped for some kind of a twist, maybe he'd spare the last person and something interesting would happen... but nope.
One way to improve the story might be introducing some more tension into the fight scene, and putting the POV character in actual risk. Have the archeologists actually put up a good fight, instead of getting slaughtered in an eyeblink like that.
The writing however is good, and this is a pleasant, smooth read.
One way to improve the story might be introducing some more tension into the fight scene, and putting the POV character in actual risk. Have the archeologists actually put up a good fight, instead of getting slaughtered in an eyeblink like that.
The writing however is good, and this is a pleasant, smooth read.
I think 'hushedly' is my least favorite adverb this week.
This is alright as a scene, but I'm not finding a deeper meaning here. I googled Anapa and came up with some town in Russia? Probably not the mythical connection I was hoping for.
This is alright as a scene, but I'm not finding a deeper meaning here. I googled Anapa and came up with some town in Russia? Probably not the mythical connection I was hoping for.
I agree with Hat here: talk hushedly sounds really strange. Besides, the “guardian waking up killing all intruders then getting back to sleep” story is a sorta hackneyed now. I mean, it could still be used if you added some sort of twist along the way but instead there is none. The whole scene is very linear and predictable, there is no real tension.
So, yeah, bland. We don’t even get to know who is the guardian. A mummy? Some sort of golem? Mystery.
Don’t fret though, it is reasonably well written so it will end up in the upper half of my slate, it seems.
So, yeah, bland. We don’t even get to know who is the guardian. A mummy? Some sort of golem? Mystery.
Don’t fret though, it is reasonably well written so it will end up in the upper half of my slate, it seems.
Mainly I think this could just use a bit of a writing tune-up. Just a lot of little places where you could improve. The opening paragraph, for example, would read a bit stronger with distinct sentences for each action, really emphasizing the awakening of an ancient, slumbering thing.
While I agree that this is a little generic... eh. It is fine and works.
While I agree that this is a little generic... eh. It is fine and works.
I'm pretty much agreed with >>JudgeDeadd on this one. Good writing and good tone, but lacks tension, I think.
It's an interesting character study type story, but it doesn't dive a whole lot deeper than that. There's not much room to dive with a minific, I suppose, but yeah, maybe a bigger struggle would've helped, since it did feel like he overtook those people pretty easily.
It's an interesting character study type story, but it doesn't dive a whole lot deeper than that. There's not much room to dive with a minific, I suppose, but yeah, maybe a bigger struggle would've helped, since it did feel like he overtook those people pretty easily.
So yeah, Sentinel is my story. Consensus seems to be the writing is all right, but that there's no tension (which I agree with).
I planned on giving a reason for the guardian being there, something like the grave he guards being that of a close friend or family member. I also thought about giving him an internal conflict of wanting to die but being unable. But it was late and I was tired so I went to bed instead :P
Thanks for the reviews, and good luck with the final to those of you still in the game.
ps. For those of you with weak google-fu, Anapa is the Egyptian vocalisation of ı͗npw, the name of Anubis.
>>RawCringe >>JudgeDeadd >>Not_A_Hat >>Monokeras >>Monokeras >>Shadowed_Song >>AndrewRogue >>FrontSevens
I planned on giving a reason for the guardian being there, something like the grave he guards being that of a close friend or family member. I also thought about giving him an internal conflict of wanting to die but being unable. But it was late and I was tired so I went to bed instead :P
Thanks for the reviews, and good luck with the final to those of you still in the game.
ps. For those of you with weak google-fu, Anapa is the Egyptian vocalisation of ı͗npw, the name of Anubis.
>>RawCringe >>JudgeDeadd >>Not_A_Hat >>Monokeras >>Monokeras >>Shadowed_Song >>AndrewRogue >>FrontSevens