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Up With the Sun
I smile, because I’m up with the sun.
Stretching out in bed, I see it coming through the blinds, shining in brilliant stripes on my most recently emptied liquor bottle: Johnny Walker Blue Label, sitting on the shelf opposite the window.
How I acquired this bottle is, honestly, unclear. I barely remember someone handing it to me at the end of a party, a half-inch of liquid still sloshing at the bottom. They were probably just trying to get rid of leftovers, but Blue Label’s a pretty expensive leftover, so I don’t know. I guess they might have been trying to impress me. Guys do that sometimes when you’re a not-terrible-looking girl. Anyway, I was drunk. It’s all pretty hazy.
However it went down, every time I see the sun on that fancy bottle I’m glad my last drink was classy. Imagine if it had been a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon or something.
I doubt I would have kept an empty Blue Ribbon can for seven years.
Some souvenirs mark you as a connoisseur with the finest taste. Some just make you feel like a slob who can’t be bothered to walk thirty feet to the recycling. That I’ve been able to keep this one is fortunate, since how I came to have it is less important than why I still have it.
I have it because don’t think I’d be sober if I didn’t.
Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t cop to being an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings. I don’t. I looked into AA, the twelve-step thing, and tripped over my own feet somewhere between steps one and two. My life wasn’t exactly unmanageable, and the higher power idea rubbed me wrong. If there’s really a ‘higher power’ that can get me out of anything I can’t get myself out of, it shouldn’t have put me there in the first place. Jerk. Being one of the only women was also weird. I felt like an awkward outsider peering through the window into some boy’s club.
When my turn came around to say the litany, “Hi, my name is ___ and I’m an alcoholic,” I froze, then stood up and walked out, blank-faced.
So that’s why the reason seeing the sun on that bottle is so important is the part you’re going to think makes me crazy.
I’m sober because I found a sun goddess.
Hear me out. It’s something like this: the morning—okay, noon—I first woke up to that empty scotch bottle is when I began to debate myself. It was when I started worrying that maybe the parties weren’t so great, and maybe the increasingly frequent feeling that I “needed” a drink wasn’t alright.
I don’t know why, but for some reason I was thinking about a sun goddess at the time. I don’t know where the idea came from, but I imagined asking what she’d think, what she’d want.
I was surprised when she answered. She said, “You shouldn’t stop drinking for me. You should do it for you.”
Even more surprising, in that moment, I had a clear vision. I knew her, perfectly. And get this: she’s not a judging goddess. She doesn’t want me to admit I’m horrible. She doesn’t want blood, doesn’t want retribution.
All she wants is for me to become a better person.
When I say I heard her speaking to me, I don’t mean in the hearing voices kind of way. I mean the way I’d hear something in a memory, knowing it’s just my own mind. This makes it all a bit strange, because know she’s not real. At least, not real-real.
But the thing is? It doesn’t matter.
If ‘real’ is defined by the effect something has in your life, then she’s as real as she needs to be—real enough to keep me sober for seven years, and that’s what matters.
Sometimes it’s bitter and galling. Not a week goes by that I don’t end up bemoaning it. Three days ago I met up with some old friends for dinner. I spent it watching them down margaritas and beers, and thinking, hell, I could have one if I wanted. And I did want to, to spite myself, to prove how pointless sobriety is. I wanted to because I’m a contrarian jerk like that. Sometimes I think I can do anything and get away with it. I did in the past.
But right now...
Right now, it’s alright.
Right now, I smile, because I’m up with the sun.
Stretching out in bed, I see it coming through the blinds, shining in brilliant stripes on my most recently emptied liquor bottle: Johnny Walker Blue Label, sitting on the shelf opposite the window.
How I acquired this bottle is, honestly, unclear. I barely remember someone handing it to me at the end of a party, a half-inch of liquid still sloshing at the bottom. They were probably just trying to get rid of leftovers, but Blue Label’s a pretty expensive leftover, so I don’t know. I guess they might have been trying to impress me. Guys do that sometimes when you’re a not-terrible-looking girl. Anyway, I was drunk. It’s all pretty hazy.
However it went down, every time I see the sun on that fancy bottle I’m glad my last drink was classy. Imagine if it had been a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon or something.
I doubt I would have kept an empty Blue Ribbon can for seven years.
Some souvenirs mark you as a connoisseur with the finest taste. Some just make you feel like a slob who can’t be bothered to walk thirty feet to the recycling. That I’ve been able to keep this one is fortunate, since how I came to have it is less important than why I still have it.
I have it because don’t think I’d be sober if I didn’t.
Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t cop to being an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings. I don’t. I looked into AA, the twelve-step thing, and tripped over my own feet somewhere between steps one and two. My life wasn’t exactly unmanageable, and the higher power idea rubbed me wrong. If there’s really a ‘higher power’ that can get me out of anything I can’t get myself out of, it shouldn’t have put me there in the first place. Jerk. Being one of the only women was also weird. I felt like an awkward outsider peering through the window into some boy’s club.
When my turn came around to say the litany, “Hi, my name is ___ and I’m an alcoholic,” I froze, then stood up and walked out, blank-faced.
So that’s why the reason seeing the sun on that bottle is so important is the part you’re going to think makes me crazy.
I’m sober because I found a sun goddess.
Hear me out. It’s something like this: the morning—okay, noon—I first woke up to that empty scotch bottle is when I began to debate myself. It was when I started worrying that maybe the parties weren’t so great, and maybe the increasingly frequent feeling that I “needed” a drink wasn’t alright.
I don’t know why, but for some reason I was thinking about a sun goddess at the time. I don’t know where the idea came from, but I imagined asking what she’d think, what she’d want.
I was surprised when she answered. She said, “You shouldn’t stop drinking for me. You should do it for you.”
Even more surprising, in that moment, I had a clear vision. I knew her, perfectly. And get this: she’s not a judging goddess. She doesn’t want me to admit I’m horrible. She doesn’t want blood, doesn’t want retribution.
All she wants is for me to become a better person.
When I say I heard her speaking to me, I don’t mean in the hearing voices kind of way. I mean the way I’d hear something in a memory, knowing it’s just my own mind. This makes it all a bit strange, because know she’s not real. At least, not real-real.
But the thing is? It doesn’t matter.
If ‘real’ is defined by the effect something has in your life, then she’s as real as she needs to be—real enough to keep me sober for seven years, and that’s what matters.
Sometimes it’s bitter and galling. Not a week goes by that I don’t end up bemoaning it. Three days ago I met up with some old friends for dinner. I spent it watching them down margaritas and beers, and thinking, hell, I could have one if I wanted. And I did want to, to spite myself, to prove how pointless sobriety is. I wanted to because I’m a contrarian jerk like that. Sometimes I think I can do anything and get away with it. I did in the past.
But right now...
Right now, it’s alright.
Right now, I smile, because I’m up with the sun.
I may steal this concept for a pony story in the future.
The biggest thing I have is, the narrator does not sound sincere, she sounds rationalizing. She is speaking as if to a strange audience instead of from the heart, speaking in a "quirky-girl-finds-joy-in-the-little-things-essay" type of voice. That really undermines it I think because I don't get any visceral sense of her feelings for the sun goddess. I don't see the motive emotions that connect the sun goddess to sobriety. For all I know she might not have any—she could just be perfunctorily saying whatever she thinks will sound good, whatever she thinks are the "right things" to say on a checklist.
I mean, sobriety is a big deal, right? It's hard work. The motive emotions must be incredibly strong, right?
I don't have any other issues with the story but I think that one problem cuts at the essence of the story so it's a decently big one.
The biggest thing I have is, the narrator does not sound sincere, she sounds rationalizing. She is speaking as if to a strange audience instead of from the heart, speaking in a "quirky-girl-finds-joy-in-the-little-things-essay" type of voice. That really undermines it I think because I don't get any visceral sense of her feelings for the sun goddess. I don't see the motive emotions that connect the sun goddess to sobriety. For all I know she might not have any—she could just be perfunctorily saying whatever she thinks will sound good, whatever she thinks are the "right things" to say on a checklist.
I mean, sobriety is a big deal, right? It's hard work. The motive emotions must be incredibly strong, right?
I don't have any other issues with the story but I think that one problem cuts at the essence of the story so it's a decently big one.
I liked the idea of this, but I'm not quite sure if I understand why it is a sun goddess.
A nice take on the prompt. I like the way the inner struggle of the narrator is depicted, and the way she chucks the easiest answers while still managing to resist the temptation to fall off the wagon. Her conscience, which she “embodies” as that Sun goddess, is a nice touch too.
And also thanks for making it female. Women’s alcoholism, as is hinted in the story, is much less tackled than men’s, because somehow we inherited from the former centuries the idea that women are not supposed to drink – or not to binge drink at least, and the society is still way harsher with female tipplers than it is with male.
Overall, I don’t have much to say, beyond that it feels solid, both on the idea and the execution. Easily atop my slate.
And also thanks for making it female. Women’s alcoholism, as is hinted in the story, is much less tackled than men’s, because somehow we inherited from the former centuries the idea that women are not supposed to drink – or not to binge drink at least, and the society is still way harsher with female tipplers than it is with male.
Overall, I don’t have much to say, beyond that it feels solid, both on the idea and the execution. Easily atop my slate.
Just once, I think, I'd like to see a fictional character take advantage of AA meetings.
Quite well written. Don't actually have a lot to complain about here. Despite the lack of apparent conflict, there is a decent narrative arc built into the way she reveals herself, allowing you to keep the struggle in mind. It is decently repeatable and, of course, it is nice for something approaching resolution despite the nature of the prompt.
Quite well written. Don't actually have a lot to complain about here. Despite the lack of apparent conflict, there is a decent narrative arc built into the way she reveals herself, allowing you to keep the struggle in mind. It is decently repeatable and, of course, it is nice for something approaching resolution despite the nature of the prompt.
The opening was a clever subversion, but this character is full of shit.
I mean, first they come off with the 'God must not exist because he's not a magical wish-fulfilling genie' (which has always seemed like a really dumb argument to me) and 'I'm not an alcoholic', but then they shift into 'I just had to cut alcohol out of my life completely because it was causing problems and if I couldn't deal with AA I totes didn't really have a problem' and 'it's alright if my imaginary God isn't a magical wish fulfilling genie because who needs God anyways.'
Uh-huh.
Sorry, just can't buy it. Nameless female MC might be alright with embracing doublethink, but I find that personally objectionable. While this was fairly well written, I feel like this person has deep character flaws that go completely unaddressed, which undercut my attempts to draw out a moral. The best I can come away with is 'if you can't deal with reality, just lie to yourself.' Which I kinda have problems with.
Mechanically, this was moderately well done. It's told cleanly but very much in narration, which is one way to try and squeeze a lot of stuff into a story, but also tends to distance us from events. Consider - if this was, instead, a scene at the end of the party, a scene at AA, a scene waking up to the bottle and 'discovering' the goddess... well, I don't know if I'd have agreed with it more, but I do think I'd have been significantly more immersed in it.
I mean, first they come off with the 'God must not exist because he's not a magical wish-fulfilling genie' (which has always seemed like a really dumb argument to me) and 'I'm not an alcoholic', but then they shift into 'I just had to cut alcohol out of my life completely because it was causing problems and if I couldn't deal with AA I totes didn't really have a problem' and 'it's alright if my imaginary God isn't a magical wish fulfilling genie because who needs God anyways.'
Uh-huh.
Sorry, just can't buy it. Nameless female MC might be alright with embracing doublethink, but I find that personally objectionable. While this was fairly well written, I feel like this person has deep character flaws that go completely unaddressed, which undercut my attempts to draw out a moral. The best I can come away with is 'if you can't deal with reality, just lie to yourself.' Which I kinda have problems with.
Mechanically, this was moderately well done. It's told cleanly but very much in narration, which is one way to try and squeeze a lot of stuff into a story, but also tends to distance us from events. Consider - if this was, instead, a scene at the end of the party, a scene at AA, a scene waking up to the bottle and 'discovering' the goddess... well, I don't know if I'd have agreed with it more, but I do think I'd have been significantly more immersed in it.
Where to start.
The writing was great. The execution, with the flash backs and imagery was good. The premis is barely passible, mostly because the character is so full of it they could fertilize every field forever.
They refuse to use an addiction program because they are fully functional and laugh at the idea of a higher power, then proceed to completely stop using said addictive because a sun goddess told them to stop. This just rubs me so wrong.
2.5/10
The writing was great. The execution, with the flash backs and imagery was good. The premis is barely passible, mostly because the character is so full of it they could fertilize every field forever.
They refuse to use an addiction program because they are fully functional and laugh at the idea of a higher power, then proceed to completely stop using said addictive because a sun goddess told them to stop. This just rubs me so wrong.
2.5/10
There's a couple of things that I don't really care for in this story.
The first has been pointed out already. She says she doesn't believe in a higher power, and yet believes (seemingly randomly) that a sun goddess is keeping her sober.
The other thing I want to point out is I feel like this was not the most interesting scene to pick to frame the story with. This scene takes place when the hardest of the conflict has passed. In fact, there's barely any conflict in the current scene at all, besides the underlying but muted fight to stay sober. It just doesn't feel as engaging when the character describes things that already had happened. It puts more emphasis on the logic and the idea surrounding how this character chose to stay sober, which is why I think many people took issue with the sun goddess thing, because that's what the focus is now.
This may be helpful for some people who are struggling with addiction. It didn't do much for me, though.
The first has been pointed out already. She says she doesn't believe in a higher power, and yet believes (seemingly randomly) that a sun goddess is keeping her sober.
The other thing I want to point out is I feel like this was not the most interesting scene to pick to frame the story with. This scene takes place when the hardest of the conflict has passed. In fact, there's barely any conflict in the current scene at all, besides the underlying but muted fight to stay sober. It just doesn't feel as engaging when the character describes things that already had happened. It puts more emphasis on the logic and the idea surrounding how this character chose to stay sober, which is why I think many people took issue with the sun goddess thing, because that's what the focus is now.
This may be helpful for some people who are struggling with addiction. It didn't do much for me, though.
Disagreeing with the above, it's pretty clear the narrator doesn't literally believe there's a sun goddess divvying out commands. But, sometimes, it helps to project our own wants externally to see them clearly. It's like flipping a coin and thinking, I hope it lands on heads while it's in the air. Deep down you knew what you wanted, but it wasn't until you were faced with an outside representation of the choice you had to make between A and B that you knew-knew.
Same idea. Narrator just kind of up and made an imaginary friend instead of flipped a coin. Someone to be accountable to other than herself.
Same idea. Narrator just kind of up and made an imaginary friend instead of flipped a coin. Someone to be accountable to other than herself.
Ninth overall with a double "most controversial"? Neat! I finally won something other than a participation ribbon! :D
I knew this one would split opinions by boiling down to differing interpretations of the character and her voice, but not quite this much. I thought this would bomb a lot harder and was really surprised just to make the finals, honestly.
I knew this one would split opinions by boiling down to differing interpretations of the character and her voice, but not quite this much. I thought this would bomb a lot harder and was really surprised just to make the finals, honestly.