Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Blurred Lines
They met in Berlin, as was traditional. It was a recent tradition, only fifty of so years old. The East and West division had been pleasantly symbolic back then. The recent lack of such prefaces was symbolic as well, though less pleasantly so. Rather, it reflected the growing irritation they both felt about current conditions.
The woman was beautiful, in that ethereal way that poets dream of and painters struggle to capture. The man was handsome, in that rough, roguish, devil may care way that drew in women like moths to a flame. Dressed in business casual, sitting at an open air cafe, they were the sort of power couple that would invariably draw the eye.
Yet none even glanced in their direction. That was not their purpose here.
“Thamuz.” The woman spoke simply as she placed her briefcase on the table and opened it.
“Hesediel” The man responded with a nod, matching her actions.
A moment later they exchanged packages; a pair of leather bound tomes passed between hands. Seats were taken and pages turned as they began the slow, tedious business of comparing notes.
Silence reigned for a few minutes, each of them focused on the task before them. But as important as their work was, it was equally tedious, and eventually Hesediel broke the silence.
“You know, some would say these books are evil.” She threw out without looking up.
“Hmmmm? Is that so?” Thamuz’s tone was disinterested, but in truth any distraction was a welcome one.
“Indeed.” She ran a finger along the edge of the binding. “Leather, you see? ‘Meat is Murder’ and whatnot.”
Thamuz just groaned and rolled his eyes. “Ugh. Animal Rights Activists. We never should have started that bunch up.”
“And we never should have egged them on.” She sighed, giving her head a small shake.
Silence made a brief return, until Thamuz pointed to a particular line in his book.
“You’re trying to claim Ronka? Seriously?”
“He found God and repented in prison.”
Thamuz raised an incredulous eyebrow. “He’s a serial killer. He raped and murdered seventeen women.”
“And then he converted. His work with other inmates and at risk youth turned dozen from the paths of sin and crime.” She shrugged helplessly. “In all, he’s saved dozens of lives.
“Fine, fine. I get it.” He waved a hand dismissively. “I can’t complain since we’re getting Auntie Samantha. How did that happen? I thought she was up for a Sainthood.”
“Yeah, well, times change. That was twenty years ago. It seems that comforting the sick and ailing is still ‘good,’ but not treating their illnesses or easing their suffering… not so much. The whole ‘pain purifies the soul’ thing is really out of vogue. And you know the rules.”
“Yeah, yeah. Thirty years before final disposition, to ensure the next generation agrees with the placement. That codicil is such a pain!”
“Ugh. Tell me about it. It wasn’t so bad when they only lived for thirty years. But these days we have to factor in three or four generations of opinions all at once!” Hesediel closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose.
“Heh. Remember the good old days? When we’d just round up our armies and go at it, sword against sword and wing against wing?” Thamuz smiled at the memories.
“Yeah, things were a lot simpler back then. But fighting like that was pointless, what with us all being immortal and whatnot."
“True. But I’m starting to think that pushing the battle down onto the mortals was a bad idea.”
“Can’t argue there. They’re so fickle and malleable, and yet even after millennia of influence, we’re still stalemated! And scoring things only gets more complicated year by year!” Hesediel grunted in frustration.
“And speaking of scoring… Mr. Jameson?” Tamuz asked with a defeated sigh.
“Yours. He spent sixty years building his business empire through dirty tricks, crooked deals, bribing politicians, and driving rivals out of business.” Hesediel waved him off.
“Annnnndddd.. He created thousands of new jobs, brought infrastructure and capital to poor third world nations and left most of his fortune to charity. In twenty years there will be schools, hospitals, and museums all over the world with his name on them.”
Two eyes met across the table, and a moment of true, complete, transcendental understanding passed between them. Two souls from opposite sides of the great divide were, for just a moment, in perfect sync. And two voices spoke as one.
“I hate this job.”
The woman was beautiful, in that ethereal way that poets dream of and painters struggle to capture. The man was handsome, in that rough, roguish, devil may care way that drew in women like moths to a flame. Dressed in business casual, sitting at an open air cafe, they were the sort of power couple that would invariably draw the eye.
Yet none even glanced in their direction. That was not their purpose here.
“Thamuz.” The woman spoke simply as she placed her briefcase on the table and opened it.
“Hesediel” The man responded with a nod, matching her actions.
A moment later they exchanged packages; a pair of leather bound tomes passed between hands. Seats were taken and pages turned as they began the slow, tedious business of comparing notes.
Silence reigned for a few minutes, each of them focused on the task before them. But as important as their work was, it was equally tedious, and eventually Hesediel broke the silence.
“You know, some would say these books are evil.” She threw out without looking up.
“Hmmmm? Is that so?” Thamuz’s tone was disinterested, but in truth any distraction was a welcome one.
“Indeed.” She ran a finger along the edge of the binding. “Leather, you see? ‘Meat is Murder’ and whatnot.”
Thamuz just groaned and rolled his eyes. “Ugh. Animal Rights Activists. We never should have started that bunch up.”
“And we never should have egged them on.” She sighed, giving her head a small shake.
Silence made a brief return, until Thamuz pointed to a particular line in his book.
“You’re trying to claim Ronka? Seriously?”
“He found God and repented in prison.”
Thamuz raised an incredulous eyebrow. “He’s a serial killer. He raped and murdered seventeen women.”
“And then he converted. His work with other inmates and at risk youth turned dozen from the paths of sin and crime.” She shrugged helplessly. “In all, he’s saved dozens of lives.
“Fine, fine. I get it.” He waved a hand dismissively. “I can’t complain since we’re getting Auntie Samantha. How did that happen? I thought she was up for a Sainthood.”
“Yeah, well, times change. That was twenty years ago. It seems that comforting the sick and ailing is still ‘good,’ but not treating their illnesses or easing their suffering… not so much. The whole ‘pain purifies the soul’ thing is really out of vogue. And you know the rules.”
“Yeah, yeah. Thirty years before final disposition, to ensure the next generation agrees with the placement. That codicil is such a pain!”
“Ugh. Tell me about it. It wasn’t so bad when they only lived for thirty years. But these days we have to factor in three or four generations of opinions all at once!” Hesediel closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose.
“Heh. Remember the good old days? When we’d just round up our armies and go at it, sword against sword and wing against wing?” Thamuz smiled at the memories.
“Yeah, things were a lot simpler back then. But fighting like that was pointless, what with us all being immortal and whatnot."
“True. But I’m starting to think that pushing the battle down onto the mortals was a bad idea.”
“Can’t argue there. They’re so fickle and malleable, and yet even after millennia of influence, we’re still stalemated! And scoring things only gets more complicated year by year!” Hesediel grunted in frustration.
“And speaking of scoring… Mr. Jameson?” Tamuz asked with a defeated sigh.
“Yours. He spent sixty years building his business empire through dirty tricks, crooked deals, bribing politicians, and driving rivals out of business.” Hesediel waved him off.
“Annnnndddd.. He created thousands of new jobs, brought infrastructure and capital to poor third world nations and left most of his fortune to charity. In twenty years there will be schools, hospitals, and museums all over the world with his name on them.”
Two eyes met across the table, and a moment of true, complete, transcendental understanding passed between them. Two souls from opposite sides of the great divide were, for just a moment, in perfect sync. And two voices spoke as one.
“I hate this job.”
cute angel/demon love-hate business relationship with Mother Teresa and Trump(maybe?) stand-ins
gone back over it two or three times and I still don't understand what the codicil exactly states or whose opinions are important (why?) in the matter of salvation or damnation. I'm probably just stupid though
started slow but picked up once the dialogue hit
the last line isn't landing for me. I don't understand why they hate it? It seems like they're having fun.
gone back over it two or three times and I still don't understand what the codicil exactly states or whose opinions are important (why?) in the matter of salvation or damnation. I'm probably just stupid though
started slow but picked up once the dialogue hit
the last line isn't landing for me. I don't understand why they hate it? It seems like they're having fun.
The woman was beautiful, in that ethereal way that poets dream of and painters struggle to capture.
I find this description of creators obsessed with beauty quite lovely.
I agree that the story picks up when the dialogue gets going, although there's a bit of repetition and exposition that sounds unnatural. I think the entire exchange about leather-bound books could be dropped as it doesn't contribute to the overall story about the scoring system. I'm a bit confused by the opening paragraph, specifically the use of the word 'prefaces': they're both still going to Berlin and it's not like they need introducing to the task they've been doing for millennia.
I would have liked to have seen the story from the perspective of either Hesediel or Thamuz rather than an omniscient narrator because I think it's weakened by the fact that the 'realisation' the two characters have at the end--their simultaneous frustration and shared amusement over it--is literally told to me in the first paragraph by the line (emphasis my own): "reflected the growing irritation they both felt about current conditions".
I got the Mère Teresa stand-in. For the other one, I’m unsure if you’re referring to Trump or Bill Gates or someone else.
All in all, it was a good idea and a fairly good execution, but some phrasing is really awkward (e.g. Seats were taken and pages turned as they began the slow, tedious business of comparing notes. / Silence reigned for a few minutes, each of them focused on the task before them.) and there are some repetitions every now and then, and that detracts a bit from the whole.
But, eh, let’s not be too finicky. It was okay on the whole.
All in all, it was a good idea and a fairly good execution, but some phrasing is really awkward (e.g. Seats were taken and pages turned as they began the slow, tedious business of comparing notes. / Silence reigned for a few minutes, each of them focused on the task before them.) and there are some repetitions every now and then, and that detracts a bit from the whole.
But, eh, let’s not be too finicky. It was okay on the whole.
>>Astrarian
Added some extra stuff to my review that I was too exhausted to write legibly last night.
Added some extra stuff to my review that I was too exhausted to write legibly last night.
And the point is...?
My best guess is that this a comedy, a drama, or a satire. But... it doesn't actually deal with anything dramatic, I don't think it made any actual jokes, and although it's ridiculous, it's not making any worthwhile points.
I mean, they decide what's going to happen by opinion? Then why are they even looking at what the people did? Who cares if x did y, if what people think about them is the only thing that matters?
More than that, what about the people who aren't famous? Because that's going to be the majority in the end. Why even bother with the outliers? Very few people hope their loved ones will go to hell, and few people really think about strangers. Humanity's mental biases should have solved this years ago.
This turns a few pleasant phrases, but in the end I find myself too disconnected from what's happening to actually care. It feels like some sort of one-note joke fic that isn't even really trying to be funny, just a 'haha here's an idea I thought up' and as soon as that's explained, it just ends.
My best guess is that this a comedy, a drama, or a satire. But... it doesn't actually deal with anything dramatic, I don't think it made any actual jokes, and although it's ridiculous, it's not making any worthwhile points.
I mean, they decide what's going to happen by opinion? Then why are they even looking at what the people did? Who cares if x did y, if what people think about them is the only thing that matters?
More than that, what about the people who aren't famous? Because that's going to be the majority in the end. Why even bother with the outliers? Very few people hope their loved ones will go to hell, and few people really think about strangers. Humanity's mental biases should have solved this years ago.
This turns a few pleasant phrases, but in the end I find myself too disconnected from what's happening to actually care. It feels like some sort of one-note joke fic that isn't even really trying to be funny, just a 'haha here's an idea I thought up' and as soon as that's explained, it just ends.
Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Writeoff, reporting in...
Without any desire to dump on other entries, I have to congratulate the author here for writing the first story in this Writeoff that I happened to read at semi-random that hasn't made me react by saying "wtf mate" and making it challenging to write a review. (I'm coming to the thought that Original Mini just isn't my cup of tea because there aren't enough words to both create a new world and tell a story in it but enough about me!) This had some humor, and some tension, and some fun descriptions of the central characters--overall pretty satisfying stuff. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's a complete story; it's more like a scene, or perhaps even a sketch. But it's certainly compelling enough to keep me reading. I also like the (self-acknowledged) symbolism of East/West and the seeming complexity of the world since that broke down.
Alas, this isn't on my slate, so I can't give it the upper-middle-tier voting thingie I feel it deserves. But I will give the author +1 Internet for writing an enjoyable thing.
Without any desire to dump on other entries, I have to congratulate the author here for writing the first story in this Writeoff that I happened to read at semi-random that hasn't made me react by saying "wtf mate" and making it challenging to write a review. (I'm coming to the thought that Original Mini just isn't my cup of tea because there aren't enough words to both create a new world and tell a story in it but enough about me!) This had some humor, and some tension, and some fun descriptions of the central characters--overall pretty satisfying stuff. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's a complete story; it's more like a scene, or perhaps even a sketch. But it's certainly compelling enough to keep me reading. I also like the (self-acknowledged) symbolism of East/West and the seeming complexity of the world since that broke down.
Alas, this isn't on my slate, so I can't give it the upper-middle-tier voting thingie I feel it deserves. But I will give the author +1 Internet for writing an enjoyable thing.
Post by
Shadowed_Song
, deleted
It's hard to pull off something like this without it seeming exposition-heavy, and the latter third of the story feels exposition-heavy to me. Reminiscing just doesn't sound like this. I think you should have stayed a little more subtle and found a different way to convey history than through direct dialogue.
I think the allusion to Mother Theresa is heavy-hoofed, even though you tried to be coy. People will be upset with this story. I don't think bringing her into the conversation makes the story better. I feel you should use something less obvious with a similar feeling—this is not the kind of story in which it is appropriate to portray your personal views on what constitutes "goodness", in my opinion, because you start to lose the message.
I'm left confused about how this can be an unexpected stalemate, given that mortal views of "good" and "evil" are invariably relative, so there will always be a stalemate at any point in history. It seems strange to me that this issue isn't touched upon.
I think the allusion to Mother Theresa is heavy-hoofed, even though you tried to be coy. People will be upset with this story. I don't think bringing her into the conversation makes the story better. I feel you should use something less obvious with a similar feeling—this is not the kind of story in which it is appropriate to portray your personal views on what constitutes "goodness", in my opinion, because you start to lose the message.
I'm left confused about how this can be an unexpected stalemate, given that mortal views of "good" and "evil" are invariably relative, so there will always be a stalemate at any point in history. It seems strange to me that this issue isn't touched upon.
There's not much of the plot here. I think the emphasis is on the characters and the idea more than a plot. It's not much, but it's pretty all right.
It's an interesting concept, and these are interesting characters. They have some interesting back and forth. However, I feel like the idea doesn't really go anywhere further.
The narrative is sort of formal, as are the characters. They're speaking pretty much only about business-type stuff, so it feels a tad stiff. They also sound similar as far as how they speak and how they react to each other. I guess I would've liked them to be more distinct, because if you asked me what the difference between the two characters is, all I could say is one's a female angel and the other's a male demon.
Not bad on the whole, though.
It's an interesting concept, and these are interesting characters. They have some interesting back and forth. However, I feel like the idea doesn't really go anywhere further.
The narrative is sort of formal, as are the characters. They're speaking pretty much only about business-type stuff, so it feels a tad stiff. They also sound similar as far as how they speak and how they react to each other. I guess I would've liked them to be more distinct, because if you asked me what the difference between the two characters is, all I could say is one's a female angel and the other's a male demon.
Not bad on the whole, though.
Decent dialogue beats, cute idea, but I'm left kind of... eh? This is more of a scene or start of a setting than a story. You might have wanted to focus on the assignment of a single individual to really nail this as an actual story.
Moreover, I realize most of these are inversions, but most of these are easy targets and obvious inversions. The mass murderer ends up good, the saint ends up bad, etc.
Characterization is a bit of a weak point too. Both characters feel much like exhausted bureaucrats with very little to actually separate them.
I dunno. This isn't bad, but it just feels like it comes up short.
Moreover, I realize most of these are inversions, but most of these are easy targets and obvious inversions. The mass murderer ends up good, the saint ends up bad, etc.
Characterization is a bit of a weak point too. Both characters feel much like exhausted bureaucrats with very little to actually separate them.
I dunno. This isn't bad, but it just feels like it comes up short.
Blurred Lines — A+ — Angels and Demons are just relative, taking their endless struggle into a world of mortal conflict in everyday life. That doesn’t make it easier, just less bloody. Top of my slate. Timing, humor, conflict, beginning and ending hook.
Though the execution could be more exciting, I liked this idea a lot. Divine judgement being messy and relative to the values of the times and cultures, instead of being an eternal standard.
ack, this is a common myth that bugs me. the mean average life expectancy got pushed down a lot by infant mortality, up until the last century with its modern medicine. in other words, IF you survived your first few years, you'd probably live to 50, maybe even 60 or 70 in the right places. most people weren't dropping dead in their 30s, not even in the caveman days. it's misleading statistics.
in the story this would make more sense as attitudes and values shifting and changing much more rapidly between generations than they used to.
“Ugh. Tell me about it. It wasn’t so bad when they only lived for thirty years. But these days we have to factor in three or four generations of opinions all at once!”
ack, this is a common myth that bugs me. the mean average life expectancy got pushed down a lot by infant mortality, up until the last century with its modern medicine. in other words, IF you survived your first few years, you'd probably live to 50, maybe even 60 or 70 in the right places. most people weren't dropping dead in their 30s, not even in the caveman days. it's misleading statistics.
in the story this would make more sense as attitudes and values shifting and changing much more rapidly between generations than they used to.
Ha! Just this once I'm not going to post my retrospective weeks after everyone else! ;>
So, obviously, I wrote Blurred Lines.
I was actually rather pleased with this one. As has been the case lately, this was written under severe time constraints. I had about three hours in the morning, and perhaps one in the evening to churn this out. And all things considered, I thought it came out fairly well!
To be honest, this whole idea was kinda heavily based on some of Terry Prachet's work. "Good Omens" in particular. I liked the idea of a angel and demon who, despite being 'enemies,' are bound together by their disgust with the celestial bureaucracy and befuddled by human malleability.
>>RawCringe
The codicil is supposed to compensate for humanity's fickle nature. After all, Vlad the Impaler is a figure out of nightmares today, but at the time he was considered a pretty good king by his people. And Hitler and the Nazi's were very popular in Germany, and around the world in the 30's. A decade later, they're the new face of evil. Makes keeping score between Heaven and Hell a bit tricky, doesn't it?
And enjoying it? They're pretty much spending eternity doing bookkeeping! That's a hell even a demon would think excessive! ;>
>>Astrarian
I was actually kinda please with the whole 'preface' bit... I thought I as being clever. :/ You know, the whole "East Berlin" and "West Berlin" thing? Or am I totally dating myself in this day and age? O.o The fact that it was a 'recent' tradition, only 50 years old, was supposed to reinforce their ages. And the lack of distinction between East and West was supposed to reflect how frustratingly muddled things had become.
>>Monokeras
I really didn't have anyone in particular picked out for the individual at the end... I was thinking someone along the lins of the Vanderbilt's or Carnegies. Rich robber barons, often rather unscrupulous... And yet massive philanthropists who's institutions remain to this day...
>>Not_A_Hat
Well, I suppose the point is that humans and human morality is twisty, variable, and malleable enough to dive even god's to tears? As for only discussing outliers... Both characters are more or less celestial accountants / referees going over spreadsheets and looking for discrepancies and disagreements. 99.9% of the entries are going to agree, so of course they're only going to discuss the outliers and unusual items.
>>Shadowed_Song
Thanks! Glad you liked it! :)
>>Trick_Question
Eh. Mother Theresa was the most 'saintly' person I could think of, and I faintly recall some condemnation of her methods... But honestly, I know little about her and don't particularly care either way. She's just a stand in for a 'good' person who's image is later revealed to be tarnished... Just like the generic serial killer who 'repents' and does good work, or the stereotypical robber baron who starts a thousand charities.
And yeah, the eternal stalemate is more or less why they think this whole "use the mortals as proxies" thing has turned into a complete nightmare. ;>
>>FrontSevens
That was sorta/kinda intentional? Part of the point is that, yeah, they're from opposite sides... But by and large they're more similar than different. Two sides of the same coin as it were.. But still part of one coin. They're doing the same job, with the same frustrations, and the same headaches.. just doing it from different sides. ;>
>>AndrewRogue
Well, they kinda are exhausted bureaucrats that have little to separate them, aside from the line drawn between angels and devils... Who are complaining about how hard it is to draw neat lines between humans. ;>
>>georg
Thanks! Glad you liked it! :)
>>Haze
Hmmmmm..you know, I've never looked into ancient demographics and mortality. I know people used to live into their 60s and 70s even in medieval times, but that those were generally outliers and/or nobility... But how do they even calculate the life expectancy of ancient times? I'm pretty sure they don't have accurate census records from those ages... How do they eve know what infant mortality was in, say, 1280AD? Though now that I think about it, I suppose a lot of that can be betermined by examining cemeteries and whatnot. Hmmmmmm... Food for thought. :)
Annndd, done! And in a reasonable amount of time for once! :yay!: Thanks you everyone who commented! I appreciate all the feedback! :)
Alas, the odds of me actually entering the next write off are very close to zero, as I will be busy on vacation / on an airplane the whole day. So, good luck to next week's writers! :)
So, obviously, I wrote Blurred Lines.
I was actually rather pleased with this one. As has been the case lately, this was written under severe time constraints. I had about three hours in the morning, and perhaps one in the evening to churn this out. And all things considered, I thought it came out fairly well!
To be honest, this whole idea was kinda heavily based on some of Terry Prachet's work. "Good Omens" in particular. I liked the idea of a angel and demon who, despite being 'enemies,' are bound together by their disgust with the celestial bureaucracy and befuddled by human malleability.
>>RawCringe
The codicil is supposed to compensate for humanity's fickle nature. After all, Vlad the Impaler is a figure out of nightmares today, but at the time he was considered a pretty good king by his people. And Hitler and the Nazi's were very popular in Germany, and around the world in the 30's. A decade later, they're the new face of evil. Makes keeping score between Heaven and Hell a bit tricky, doesn't it?
And enjoying it? They're pretty much spending eternity doing bookkeeping! That's a hell even a demon would think excessive! ;>
>>Astrarian
I was actually kinda please with the whole 'preface' bit... I thought I as being clever. :/ You know, the whole "East Berlin" and "West Berlin" thing? Or am I totally dating myself in this day and age? O.o The fact that it was a 'recent' tradition, only 50 years old, was supposed to reinforce their ages. And the lack of distinction between East and West was supposed to reflect how frustratingly muddled things had become.
>>Monokeras
I really didn't have anyone in particular picked out for the individual at the end... I was thinking someone along the lins of the Vanderbilt's or Carnegies. Rich robber barons, often rather unscrupulous... And yet massive philanthropists who's institutions remain to this day...
>>Not_A_Hat
Well, I suppose the point is that humans and human morality is twisty, variable, and malleable enough to dive even god's to tears? As for only discussing outliers... Both characters are more or less celestial accountants / referees going over spreadsheets and looking for discrepancies and disagreements. 99.9% of the entries are going to agree, so of course they're only going to discuss the outliers and unusual items.
>>Shadowed_Song
Thanks! Glad you liked it! :)
>>Trick_Question
Eh. Mother Theresa was the most 'saintly' person I could think of, and I faintly recall some condemnation of her methods... But honestly, I know little about her and don't particularly care either way. She's just a stand in for a 'good' person who's image is later revealed to be tarnished... Just like the generic serial killer who 'repents' and does good work, or the stereotypical robber baron who starts a thousand charities.
And yeah, the eternal stalemate is more or less why they think this whole "use the mortals as proxies" thing has turned into a complete nightmare. ;>
>>FrontSevens
That was sorta/kinda intentional? Part of the point is that, yeah, they're from opposite sides... But by and large they're more similar than different. Two sides of the same coin as it were.. But still part of one coin. They're doing the same job, with the same frustrations, and the same headaches.. just doing it from different sides. ;>
>>AndrewRogue
Well, they kinda are exhausted bureaucrats that have little to separate them, aside from the line drawn between angels and devils... Who are complaining about how hard it is to draw neat lines between humans. ;>
>>georg
Thanks! Glad you liked it! :)
>>Haze
Hmmmmm..you know, I've never looked into ancient demographics and mortality. I know people used to live into their 60s and 70s even in medieval times, but that those were generally outliers and/or nobility... But how do they even calculate the life expectancy of ancient times? I'm pretty sure they don't have accurate census records from those ages... How do they eve know what infant mortality was in, say, 1280AD? Though now that I think about it, I suppose a lot of that can be betermined by examining cemeteries and whatnot. Hmmmmmm... Food for thought. :)
Annndd, done! And in a reasonable amount of time for once! :yay!: Thanks you everyone who commented! I appreciate all the feedback! :)
Alas, the odds of me actually entering the next write off are very close to zero, as I will be busy on vacation / on an airplane the whole day. So, good luck to next week's writers! :)