I got:

That the first section is Rainbow's POV--the talk about living in a cloud city and how much freer the sky is than the ground and all--but since so many folks are having trouble, a little more showing that it's her would definitely be in order. Also, in the rest of the piece, Fluttershy's lines are scooted over on the left, but her line at the end of that first section is scooted over to the right. That might be adding to the collective confusion.

It's the second section, though, that threw me. We're in Fluttershy's POV, but I can't quite see her thinking of herself as "a big fish in a small pond." More in character would be "a small fish in a small pond," seems to me. And then having the final word of the section be "pitiless"? Maybe she would think that she's determined to be pitiless or that she needs to be pitiless to get through this. Unless you're trying to convey that she's changed a lot with the passage of time? I couldn't figure it out, though.

I also got confused by the line "Think she’ll bring that boy of hers? Pinkie’s been wanting to meet him for years." It sounds to me like Rainbow's saying that Pinkie's youngest, who's just graduated from something, has a son who Pinkie's never met. Is that what's happening there? 'Cause that opens a whole 'nother confusing can of narrative worms...

Still, I always like when the dust and ashes stage of a relationship is shown in such a tamped down fashion. And this does that really well.

Mike

So personally, it seemed pretty clear to me that this story was about Discord (or at least, a version of him) by the end of it. I think this is a really neat idea, and I appreciate the irony of Discord coming from an organization of beings that exhibits a computerized level of order.

Now to be honest, outside of identifying our main character I did have at least some degree of difficulty with understanding almost everything else. And a lot of this will be invariably due to the style you've chosen—it's hyper-dense and it obscures clarity by its design. That's not necessarily bad, (in fact, I think you put the style to great use here), but the inevitable cost is that it's going to take that extra half-second, that extra sentence re-read from the part of the reader. And that's honestly a pretty expensive choice.

So, when I make my guess that this story is about an alternate-universe robot-Discord who, after spending eons not fitting with his computerized society, manages to catch a glimpse of Fluttershy through a magical portal in a pond,, that's just it—it's only a guess. I have more confidence in my guess after re-reading several times, but the first read is always the most important from an enjoyment and emotional perspective, and I'm afraid that at that stage, I didn't have nearly enough of the piece figured out to get very much payoff from it.

Now, the last few lines are cool. Really cool. I could sense that even during my first, jumbled read-through. And they do leave me at a high note to finish things off. But I can't help but think that they'd be that much more impactful if I had a better picture of the story in general.

So my suggestion would be, try to find ways to make this piece easier to understand for your readers, without giving up on the style that makes up the core identity of this story. As it is right now, I think it's just a little too difficult to slip into, from an immersion perspective. But with just a little more clarity, I think this piece can really shine.

Okay, this kind of deadpan absurdist comedy is just up my alley. It kind of reminds me of Georg's "My Brother, the Tooth", with the whole ridiculous concept being calmly conveyed to a distraught Twilight. What I'm saying is, I like your central joke.

Now, unfortunately, I will have to agree with a couple of our other reviewers that the joke feels a little stretched thin. Part of that might come from your pacing. Twilight isn't shown the reveal until almost two hundred words in, and then we have basically prefunctory explanations and denials all the way past halfway of the wordcount. By then you've only got a scant couple of hundred words left to capitalize on the comedic situation. I think you might have been able to get away with starting the story at a cold-cut of Twilight's "You guys are kidding, right?" line.

I think the most potential for humor comes at the point that Twilight begins to believe what's being told to her, enough to actually despair. As the story is right now, you don't have enough to have her react much more than mumbling "No, no, no". So from my perspective, your ability to squeeze in secondary jokes is limited. You need to escalate the premise and find a way to make it even more ridiculous. Currently, the only escalation of the situation is the Santa Hooves joke at the end, which is, IMO, the best part of the story. But on its own, it's not quite enough to carry the whole thing,

So in the end, I love the idea behind this story, but unfortunately I didn't laugh all that often. Give yourself more space to work with the situation that you've made, and I think you'll be able to squeeze out a much higher mileage of laughs per word than what we've working with right now.

Whew, yeah. As most people have already mentioned, this one has some gorgeous color. Everything pops against that subdued blue background. There's so much life brought out of the fish, the lily pads, and our main mare in this piece. The way you've blended the sky and water together, making the fish swim through the clouds, gives it a delightful dream-like quality.

And dang, does that water look refreshing!

I don't think there's a ton more critique that I can add aside from what's been said already. >>Caliaponia makes a good point about the effect of the water surrounding the fish. The fish in the bottom of the shot could use more color around them to make them look submerged.

To nitpick a bit more, I'd say the blurry boundary between the sky and water looks a bit...dirty? There's some grey tones in there that clash with the cleaner blues and whites in the rest of the background. Some of the ripples around the lily pads feel out of place (I'm starting to get petty here). I really like how you did the ripples around the fish on the middle-right side of the piece. They seem to have a bit more volume and depth than most of the others. It would be neat if you could make more of the ripples like those.

Honestly, though, this looks pretty polished as-is, and I can't say much more about it. It's got notes of whimsy and tranquility, and I think you did a fantastic job in the time allotted. Fluttershy looks so happy to be flying with her aquatic buddies!

Diverging from the pack a bit and saying I loved the left-right justified speaker notation. It really helps to sell the "growing apart" idea, since even their speech is starting from opposite ends of the page now. And, of course, the narrator bits are center justified, because telling the story doesn't mean picking a side.

A couple of Rainbow's lines are a little long and brush up against the left margin, but that may be my page size being too small on my laptop rather than a proper formatting issue, but something to consider.

The subject matter has been done probably a thousand times, but that doesn't mean a well-done thousand and first isn't worth the while. In particular, Flutters being the wizened, mature, strong-willed one of the two is a pleasant experience.

I've only had sleep paralysis once and it was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I think you did a good job capturing that terror, complete with mysterious blob of darkness.

Okay back. Now! The whole paralysis-nightmare sequence is sufficiently unsettling, but also kind of weird, though props for this bit:

A featureless filly of white flesh

I think we often forget that ponies have coats and aren't just pastel flesh bags with pretty manes. Drawing up the image of a truly naked and featureless pony is really cool.

The fact that there are two maybe-hallucinations instead of the usual one makes me think that there's more going on here than first appears, but, echoing Spirit above, there's not really a payoff to be had with regards to the number or characters chosen for the apparitions. It's not a ruinous lack of cohesion, but I walked away more confused than disturbed, which may not have been the point.

I'm sure that pretty much everyone here has mentioned that this story plays off the whole 'alicorns live long lives' cliche, so you must be tired of listening to yet another opinion on that subject. I will say though, I admire the fact that this story feels like the work of someone sticking true to their guns instead of overreaching their bases. It may not be impressive in the greater scheme of things, but I much prefer this over the usual hodgepodge of stories trying (and mostly stumbling) to prove a grandiose point of sorts, so props.

Overall, the prose is simple and clean. but rather fine-tuned as well— the first sentence alone is tantamount to how well-constructed the story is in general. There are a few hiccups about that did nudge the pacing a little, though nothing too serious that I stumbled with it halfway through. The tone is also forgivingly bright, especially when I consider the general sequence of events leading up this. It's nice, honestly. To me, it shifts the focus less on death and grieving to more on the general impermanence of life.

Britishness aside, the depiction of Twilight here sorta amplifies my previous impression. I wholly admire the restraint shown when she was chatting with the statues of her friends, though it did make the abrupt descent into gloominess when she had the chat with stonefaced Celestia and Luna a lot more palpable. Her chat with the Alicorn Sisters did feel a little bit melodramatic for a story of this caliber. I'm thinking it stemmed from lack of time, perhaps? Whatever it was, it did dampen my experience with this entry a little.

Oh, and there's one other thing that I don't think my fellow reviewers have not mentioned yet which I find particularly interesting: the fact that this story is told in the present tense. To me, it builds upon the fact that Twilight came to see her old friends and the Alicorn Sisters not to talk about everything that's been, but everything that's happening in the present. Unintended or otherwise, that alone added another layer of depth to my experience with this story, personally, so props.

So, conclusion? I kinda like this one on my first read, but I find my experience with this story improving on subsequent re-reads. It may have a rather standard plot and it may not possess any immediate conflict that might warrant my attention, but it gave me a few cozy minutes away from the hectic miscellany of everyday life despite its subject matter. If you'd ask me, that's honestly all this story ever needed to do.

Twilight does have the right idea of not simply giving up the throne though. Strong and stable government and all that.

So, I've arted. It was fun.

Art Retrospective: Between Day/Night

Yeah, I don't even know why I got inspired to art this time. I was kind of looking at the prompt, and the random thought struck me that it'd be pretty cool if an artist hid something in the background color. Then, I realized that since Rog has blessed us with Dark Mode, there are two background colors. My mind promptly exploded.

So, I downloaded a drawing program for the first time in my life (is Krita supposed to be any good?), and since I don't have a tablet, I had to relly on my trusty Gamer Mouse*(R) to throw this together.

I did Twilight first, because I knew she would take the most time, and I wasn't sure that I'd have the energy to do her if I did her last. Twilight is based on three different screenshot reference pictures—one for her wings and torso, one of the angle of her legs, and one for her head/expression. I chose to go borderless and with flat shadows just to keep things simple, and also because I kind of like seeing this style. I still had no confidence in my own ability, so I kept the lines pretty close to my reference pictures, outside of her mane.

Celestia was next, and since she and Luna by nature were going to be much simpler (and since I'd developed a little bit of confidence at this point), I did a lot more of her off-model. Her wings and head and hind legs are still based on screens, but her torso and forelegs and mane are my own freehand.

Lastly, Luna, which is where I kinda flubbed up. By then, I was working mostly freehand (only her wings and head were based on a screenshot). Like a fool, I was feeling really confident at how easy this whole arting business was, and I wanted to go for a complicated pose. She's supposed to be doing a loop-the-loop while flying midair. Unfortunately, because I don't know how angles work, it looks like she's tumbling. Combined that with Celestia's outreached hoof, and it looks like Celly is giving the smack-down to Luna. Oops.

Yeah, so this is supposed to be a cutesy fun picture of three princesses out on a joy-flight, but it became something pretty different. Interesting, how things like that turn out!

---

>>CoffeeMinion
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>No_Raisin
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Caliaponia
Thank you so much for leaving your thoughts! I'm really glad you liked it!

>>Caliaponia
Yeah, Rog just kind of quietly announced it on the Discord chat a few weeks back. As soon as I had the idea, I knew I had to cash in on it before a more clever person figured it out. :P

>>Pascoite
So basically, the Princesses overlapping against Twilight and the Sun/Moon symbols were supposed to be little hints that there was something more to the picture, no matter if somebody was seeing this for the first time in Dark or in Regular mode. I probably kind of overdid it, I admit. I was judging this aspect of the picture mainly from a version that I created with a split background where I could easily see both Princesses, and I guess it'd be easy to overlook details like this. And see above for why Luna is inexplicably smiling.

Thank you so much for your thoughts!

>>Rocket Lawn Chair
RE: Twilight's streamer-y mane, that's all on me. I've got no idea how it'd look. I was kind of going for the infamous season 3 premire's billowy mane sequence, but I didn't use a reference image and I flubbed it up. Bluh!

I appreciate your review and your kind words!

---

One thing I did not anticipate at all was how graphically demanding drawing programs are! I mean, this little old thing ended up having a 2 gigabyte file in Krita! And by the time I got to the 100th or so layer, my decently-spec'd desktop was really struggling. Wow!

Anyways, I had a bunch of fun with this, and I'm tickled pink at the medal! Thanks for the round!

>>GroaningGreyAgony
>>Rocket Lawn Chair
Comments like these have piqued my curiosity: what do you guys see in this image? I think I see part of a pony’s head with one closed eye, one open eye, and a bit of mane. But I’m guessing that’s not at all what’s going on?

>>Pascoite, >>Rocket Lawn Chair, >>Not_A_Hat, >>Pascoite, >>Bachiavellian, >>Caliaponia, >>Not_A_Hat

Sufficiently Advanced Kitbashing

Thanks for the shiny! There was a lot of good art in this round, so earning a medal wasn’t easy.

This is a photo, albeit one that has been massaged in Photoshop. Everything in the image is a real object.The moon, planet and rim of the sun are made from Sculpey. The background is black paper, with sparkly spangles on it for the stars.

I considered making the Solar Mechanism from Sculpey as well, but decided to use instead an assemblage of found objects. I used to love kit-bashing, the practice of combining parts of several model kits to create new forms, and this woke up a part of my brain that I haven’t used in a long time.

>>Not_A_Hat was right about the cable ties - well spotted! They are of black plastic, and after bending them into shape, I used a gold Sharpie to color the highlights. Other parts used included (spoilered if you want to try to guess after looking at the closeup images):

A Burger King ashtray, wire nuts, plastic shelf supports, wire sculpting mesh, half of a bronzed plastic caster, cassette tape reels, various round or spiky bits from old hard drives, gears from old toys, etc.

Here’s a box of similar parts that I didn’t use.

This is all mostly stuck together with haste and double sided automotive tape. I cut a hole in the center of the rare antique ashtray to let the red light from the sun shine through, and this creates the inner glow visible through the mesh. the shadow on the sun is an error I didn’t spot as I rushed to make a clean image I could post.

A glass hemisphere with rim, that was once a light bulb cover in an oven, served as the base for the sun and helped light to shine through the whole thing. I backlit the sun later with a cheap LED light.

Having created all this, I then had to photograph it, and I had a miserable time with the unorthodox lighting and keeping everything in focus. With the deadline closing in, I wound up combining the best images in Photoshop and color correcting them there.

Thanks again, and see you all next round!

>>Rocket Lawn Chair, >>Pascoite. >>Bachiavellian. >>Caliaponia

Who’s Whoming Whom?

The prompt did naturally suggest Changelings. I considered the cliched “x is secretly a changeling” motif, and thought it might be amusing to ring the changes on the phrase, so to speak. It would also provide authors with a lot of potential hooks.

I chose some characters and sketched it quickly in the downtime on working on advanced magic. Thorax is upside down partly because his body would be too distracting were it drawn behind the signs the others are holding. :)

Thanks for the great comments!

When I first read this:

Three days ago, I was even more confused than >>Pascoite. The prose was completely impenetrable to me, and while I could tell from the sentence structure that a story was happening here, I had no idea what it was or what it had to do with Pony. So down to the bottom of my ballot it went. I mean, the other nonsense entry this round at least had ponies in it...

But coming back now and reading the other comments has shown me what I missed completely when I first looked at it. Knowing what's going on, I find it to be quite a nice story. Still completely impenetrable as far as the prose goes--I'll suggest with the others above that you add words that us humanities majors might recognize--but I'll definitely have to move it up on my ballot.

Mike

I really dig the idea of reverse John Wicking Tempest Shadow. Conceptually, it's novel and fundamentally funny. The crushes do indeed come out of nowhere, which I can let slide for the sake of word count and Flutters having a history of getting under reformed villains' skins pretty quickly. But, Posh was super right about sandbagging Tempest's completely calm and cavalier attitude toward her eventual suicide/generic cessation of life activity. Tempest was a soldier, so addressing death in a matter-of-fact manner isn't outlandish, but she's a little too... this guy as-is.

I'm in the positive camp about the quick, punchy scenes, though. Feels a bit like watching Tempest's head bob in an out of a cloud of actually living, and I could see further chapters getting steadily longer as she starts living more fully.

Echoing the above, it was kind of incomprehensible until I knew what to look for. Very puzzle like in that regard, which isn't a bad thing, even if one or two more clues would be nice. Looking back after reading Bachi's comment it all seems to fit into place pretty well. The thread to pony is direct, but thin, which is also fine for a mini, I think. I want to call special attention to this:

body hued sulfur with rhodonite trim

As a particularly beautiful yet perfectly mechanical way to describe Fluttershy's coloring.

Now, I understand that we're dealing with some parallel universe of robot ordering, but I'm having a hard time picturing what photo- and chemo- based life means. Decaorganic and centiorganic I can work with since I can figure it's 10-based something and 100-based something, but is the photo-organic life made of light and the chemo-organic chemicals? It's really a non-issue in the grand scheme, and maybe it's there to highlight the differentness of that universe, but I can't stop thinking about it -_-

Well I know exactly who I'm guessing for this one.

Looks directly into Discord's outstretched selfie stick.

I appreciate the wee bit of actual narrative framework at the end, however I'm more qualified to critique the (probably) AI code that wrote most of this than I am the work itself, which is saying something since my coding skills barely even qualify as rudimentary.

Not much that hasn't been said, except I'm wondering if the very thick layering of Britishisms instead of the usual North American dialect isn't itself an indicator of how much time has passed for this Twilight. We know old Equestrian resembled ye olden English (thanks Luna) so it's within reason to think future Equestrian would round back from American and into British again. May have even had an Australian phase in there?

Now, I am the Patron Saint Sucker of Present-Tense, Semi-Angsty, Immortal Princess Twilight, so you've definitely checked all my boxes and plucked all my strings here. My only question during this walk down memory lane is, "where are Cadance and Flurry?"

I sense a deeper mystery to be solved!

So, yeah, basically every facet of this is top notch and went straight to the top of my list. There's a quick progression from mundane to kid-serious to very-actually-serious, but every inch of it feels completely earned an on point. I'm a few episodes behind so I can't speak to the most recent lore on Smolder that Pasc mentions, but I can definitely see an angle prior to the newest stuff where she has to actively remind herself how to be a "proper" dragon. They are, broadly speaking, huge jerks. Sure, Ember lightened things up, but sudden (and forced) social largesse doesn't undo old survival habits over night.

Alternatively, she is actually a changeling, but has been Smolder so long she's forgotten how to change into anything else. Maybe. I dunno. I liked this either way.

At first, I didn't exactly know what I was reading. I thought it was some kind of time skip to when Twilight activated Pinkie PAI, but then the oddities and other names showed up and I was wondering, "Is this a dream sequence?" It took reading the comments for me to realize that the middle part is made up of bot-written text, something I'd see from a Botnik run.

I guess the purpose of the story was to be humorous and to make a joke so at least it doesn't have the burden to be deep and very meaningful. However, whatever humor it had fell flat for me, before and after I realized the bot-written gimmick going on here. Still, though, it's not uncommon for a short fic to run with a gimmick and then say, "Hah, it's a joke!" or something like that (at least in Fimfiction, as far as I can tell).

Overall, this fic technically accomplished the job as a humorous piece. However, it feels quite cheap. Apart from that, I can't give any more specific feedback because it'd all be on the bot's fault and I don't know how to critique a writing bot.

I confess that I occasionally have sleep paralysis (or at least I used to, but I'm not so sure if it will strike again), so it didn't take long for me to get what Apple Bloom was experiencing.

The writing hit the perfect balance of being tight and descriptive. In such a situation, there'd be tons of fear and other sorts of overwhelming emotional stimuli to cover, not to mention also having to describe whatever other stuff you'd have to see. And you managed to accomplish all of this with just the right pacing.

In fact, even though I had hints that this was sleep paralysis, you also managed to drag the nightmare sequence long enough for me to doubt if it was normal sleep paralysis and if it was, instead, some kind of nightmare imposter/changeling thing trying to take over Apple Bloom. So when Apple Bloom finally woke up, I was massively relieved. Needless to say, you're quite adept with inducing an emotional response!

Overall, this is great! Keep up the good work.

The premise of this is... crazy, to say the least. Kind of Truman Show-esque with how extensive and deep the cover would be for Twilight's parents and Luna to keep her convinced all this time that Celestia was a real pony.

However, how it was handled was quite barebones. Celestia was so intertwined into Twilight's life that I find it hard to believe that it'd all be over without that much visible damage or reaction. Perhaps that's for after the story (hence the final paragraph), but the story still doesn't convey something that's world-breaking for Twilight.

Overall, it's fun but not as realistic as it should be (at least concerning Twilight's reactions).

It's not that uncommon to consider 4th-wall breaking meta and having Pinkie added to the mix. In fact, the premise seems to have good intentions: Twilight goes crazy after discovering that her reality isn't "real" and then dragging Celestia along to the truth.

So it's a shame that much of the impact this story could've had is in the letter instead of something, well, more active like Celestia talking it out with Twilight in the void. The reveal and reaction would've been much better if they were less on the letter and more in the scenes themselves.

This over-reliance on the letter also shows with how much you seek to set things up in the letter. Much of it is focused on the letter (note how it's mentioned in all three sections, even the last one) when some of that focus could've been lent to the actual revelation in it. (Also, if Twilight thought that she had extremely sensitive and dangerous information in her hooves, then dumping it all in a letter isn't the best idea; something like an invitation to know the truth and then the portal appearing would've been better).

Overall, it's a fic that tries to uniquely tread on some old grounds but it falls short.

It's only now that I really get the gimmick going on here: that there are four poems, not two. Since I was on dark mode, I just assumed that the green one was the "dark mode surprise"... and then it turns out I completely missed out on the light mode poems. From what I could gather, this feels like a retelling of Nightmare Moon's in poetic form in four parts, from light mode to dark mode.

Well, I'm not an expert on poems so I don't have much to say. While the poems seem to follow a consistent pattern (save for the first dark mode poem which deviates from the ten-syllable pattern of the others), the constant mid-sentence line breaks make the poems a little janky to read. Though that might be a valid thing as well; I'm not so sure.

Overall, this is a creative and experimental work of poetry that I would appreciate more if I knew more about poetry. Good job!

My approach to reviewing poetry has always been, "I may not know much about poetry, but I know what I like!" and unfortunately, this isn't one of my favourites. The best way I can explain why I didn't like it is to compare with previous poetry entries I liked, namely Bachi's AJ poem from last fim mini round, or Baal's wonderful Ode to the Artistic Temperament. What those poems have, that I feel this is missing, is that the poetry is the supporting act for the main show, the stories being told. AJ writing secret messages to her parents, Medusa disguised as a sculptor. Here, just looking at the story, there isn't much of interest being told.

All I see here is Luna and Celestia waking up and/or going to sleep, and the fact that they like their jobs. And some nmm being evil, I think? At the end of the day it feels like I'm reading first-person snippets of stories I already know very well, told in the most purple prose possible.

Perhaps it's the metering, or the word choices, like Pasco and !Hat mentioned, but I just felt barred from entry.

Also, I don't like poems hiding from me in the background. That may feel like a double standard when compared to the art, because I thought that was neat, but I really feel your words should be visible. Put simply: I read writing to find meaning, but I search pictures for it. I don't like searching for writing.

That's all I can really say on this one. I've read it a few times, but it's just not sticking. Still, it looks like there are those who enjoy it, so take my grumpy opinion however you like.

Good luck in the contest!

The only thing I have to add to the above is that Celestia doesn't really need to be in this story. At least, not when the story is at this length. I think if you had followed Twilight making the discovery (via Pinkie) then you eliminate a lot of the issues people are having, without hurting what they like about it (the mystery, Twilight's voicing, e.g.).

But the meta didn't bother me too much. It's probably because I personally haven't read a story like this, though. That I recall. I think it's just the focus of the story, and your perspective character, that are causing it to fall a little short of the impact you were going for.

Thanks for writing and best of luck to you!

This is really good! As others have mentioned, it is missing elements of an actual story, but there's a lot of ways you can take this. As is, it's a great starting point for some real good horror.

I personally felt the ending was rushed, with AJ really blowing off her sister's panic. It is a good relief of tension (although missing a resolution), though, and if you extend this story, this might be a good time to start ramping up the tension again, if you can find a way.

Also, I think it was mentioned but I really want to emphasize it: Twist doesn't need to be there. For the most part, you did a great job only being inspired by the art, and not trying to needlessly describe it piece by piece. But Twist is the only part that only seems to be there for the art.

Plus, the best monster flicks involve one monster (or a hoard of them), I find. And strangely enough, it's that second phantom that gave the dream away for me. If it were only Twilight, I might have thought there was a bonafide ghost haunting going on. A second ghost and I can tell it's just somefilly's stupid brain being stupid.

That's all! Thanks so much for writing :v

The only thing I have to add here is something I see a lot in minific rounds, which is a very short entry that starts as slowly as a novel. The first few paragraphs of this story don't do much except introduce a character, slowly, and describe a setting we aren't going to stay in very long. But AAHHHHH THERE'S NO TIME.

Those words can be used much more economically, I think. Even in this case, if we'd opened with Twilight saying hi to statues, literally in the first line even, we would already be where we need to be, without confusion. And then you can use those words on more dialogue, more closure, more things that matter to the story. You know, those parts of the story you loved that you had to cut.

That's all from me! Good luck in the shakedown.

One more thing: CIRRUSCINATI! That's great.

Unlike my contemporaries, who can parse computer speak, I am a dummy and cannot fairly judge this.

Abstain.

What Psh said

>>Bachiavellian
You probably didn't know this, but the same light/dark mode play for hiding things was done to very good effect (among many other devices) in a story called "Broken Bindings."

There have basically been two reactions to this story so far:

1. WTF
2. Oh, it took me a while to figure out the trick (or I had to look in the comments to see what it was), but now that I get it, it's clever.

Neither one of those is good. I mean, at least the second one had people genuinely enjoying the story, but when it takes that much effort to figure out what the story even is, or that so many people need others to explain it to them, that's a problem.

As a hypothetical, if this conversation were to play out a little more honestly, Luna and Twilight's parents would have to give twilight a moment to process what she's just been told. It's pretty shocking, and hard to piece together.

I'm not saying you should give her, or us, that time to process this news. I'm saying the opposite. Author, my advice to you, is to not give the reader that moment, at any point in the story. If you're going to go absurdist, go headfirst. Cadance, she's real, but your brother isn't. Canterlot is a soundstage. Thunderstorms? Hoax. We get the pegasi to do it. Oh, you already knew that? Then what are we paying them for? Hey don't ask how much money is going into protecting your fantasy world, Twilight, you can't ask your parents about their finances.

My point is, with absurd comedy, unless you're going to say something even more absurd, don't explain things, because it encourages jerks like >>Pascoite to poke holes in your story. Give the reader no time to understand that dumb thing you just said, and then say something dumber.

But that's just my take on it. One last note: the opening two sentences threw me a little. It made me feel that pinkie would be a character in the story. And having your parents and a friend visit you uninvited, while weird, is nowhere near as weird as pinkie pie.

In conclusion... this story gave me a few chuckles. But there's so much untapped potential there. Thanks for writing and entering, and good luck in the shakedown!

Poetry is always a bold move (and one that I never feel competent enough to critique!). So good on you for finding inspiration and taking a risk!

Now, I'll be upfront about the fact that I've read each of these poems 4 or 5 times, and I'm afraid I'm still not sure what their meanings are. Now, I know I'm not the best reader and that I miss things a lot, but it does feel frustrating that I'm putting a lot of effort into understanding these poems, but still feeling like I'm going nowhere.

Now, I think it's pretty cool that every poem has its own meter/structure. It was easy to pick up on the rhyme scheme and beat of the hidden poem and the purple one. But to be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble with the first poem. I'm going to make a tentative guess that this is free/blank verse, but even then, it kind of feels unstructured. Remember, blank verse has no rhyme or meter, but it still heavily depends on repetitions to maintain its shape. Most commonly, people like to use paralleled sentence structures, recurring phrases, and strategic line breaks to convey a sense of flow to the reader. Poetry in all forms (even free verse!) is absolutely built around the idea of letting the reader "feel" what comes next, even before they've read the next line. Since there doesn't seem to be much signaling built into this one, it is difficult to get into the flow of it, and it became frustrating to read for me.

Outside of that first poem, I had a much easier time with the other two. There's some really fun word choice and imagery here, and being able to get a sense of the beat really helped me enjoy these elements. But still, the fact that I'm not sure what the meaning as a whole is, really hurts my ability to get a sense of payoff from them.

So in the end, I guess I'm saying I'm a dummy. I would personally like it if these poems were easier to understand and (in the case of the first) easier to get into the rhythm of. As they are right now, they're high-effort-mixed-reward sort of deals.

I guess this was a neat idea, but honestly I'm left scratching my head a little.

From my perspective, there are two possibilities here. The first is that this was written by a predictive text AI. If this is the case, then I think you really ought to have told us first, because, frankly, script-written prose is still pretty awful. Nobody reads it because they think it's fun in and of itself; people read it because it's interesting to see what a machine can do right now. But without that vital context of knowing that this is a computer-generated entry, reading it for the first time is a mess. I actually felt punished for genuinely trying to follow along despite my confusion, and formulate good comprehension/advice in my head while I read. If I had known that I was going to be reading an AI-generated entry, I would want to know what the input library was, so at least I'd be able to draw connections and find meaning that way. As it is right now, it just feels like my attention was not well-spent.

The other possibility is that this story was written in the style of an AI-generated text in order to bewilder the reader. If this is the case, then you've definitely succeeded on the technical level of imitating computer generated prose, which is no small feat in and of itself. But you've, unfortunately, did not succeed as much in making this an interesting thing to read. A lot of great comedies and troll-fics do a good job of simultaneously confusing and entertaining its readers, and I think that's where I find this one a bit lacking. It's just a little too incoherent, and I ended up feeling that it punished any degree of investment or attention I gave it, because the only payoff was the unrelated coda at the end.

So in the end, I'm just confused as to what the payoff is supposed to be. Every story requires some degree of personal investment to work, and Writeoff entries in particular demand a kind of mindful reading due to the nature of the commenting element. I just can't help but feel that my genuine effort to understand and digest this story was not worthwhile.

'Unfolds' is a weird mental image to start on without context. The drooping later is much easier to follow

After that initial misstep, though, the prose and imagery were strong. One thing that threw me, though - six statues? I'm not sure who the sixth would be. I wondered a little about the Celestia/Luna statues as well, but that was addressed.

I'm not sure why, but right from the get go I did envision the unnamed princess as Twilight, so the reveal did not have as much impact as it might have.

The emotions felt authentic and the dialog flowed smoothly, so while it didn't tread the newest of ground, plot-wise it was still pleasant. There was a shade or two of difference to the character voicing, though. While this partly an attitude thing from experience, the British-isms that others have mentioned are probably also a factor.

My caveats didn't keep me from enjoying it, though, and I found it to be a nice little character piece overall.

I can't help but find it ironic that this story stemmed from "Smoke and Mirrors", rather than either of the technology-related prompt images.

It was difficult to get into, and though I like to think I would've figured it out eventually, it's hard to avoid spoilers this late in the round and I'll admit that they helped.

The terminology is a double edged sword. It's atmospheric and doesn't seem random, but the learning curve is just about vertical. For example, all the plants and animals are described by strange names, but the reader is left to puzzle it out what's what.

Along with hurting comprehension, it hurt pacing. Compare with "Emotional Support Being"; both are 750 words, but while that one was described as 'short', this one very much wasn't.

Another thing I noticed that might be worth considering is the paragraph structure; many of the paragraphs are nearly the same length, so the pacing does not vary much. And granted, wordcount restrictions, but with such dense information, it seems like it might benefit from cutting some pieces and spreading the information out over others to spare the reader a bit.

In the end, I don't know how much of the intent I ultimately got. I like >>Bachiavellian's theory, but regardless it seems like there are some interesting pieces there, and it's another entrant in the 'respect the effort' category.

Having experienced a degree of sleep paralysis when waking up from dreams, if describing this was the intent, it rang true. Definitely material to build a nightmare from (if this was indeed the pedestrian sort). Creepy imagery, but I had ran across the mention of sleep paralysis in another comment, which somewhat muted the suspense. Even so, I loved lines like "Screamed in silence until her lungs burned."

The transition when she wakes mixes things up, but was also difficult to follow; she instantly replied to deny it without giving any indication of her thought processes, so I was left to wonder: Is it some compulsion? Insta-forgetting? Lying?

I'm getting mixed signals, and just don't know what to conclude.

Overall, I found it atmospheric and descriptive, and does a good job cultivating a mood, but then when it came to translating that mood into an emotional impact, it caught me wrong-footed, and I came to the end not sure what it really meant, if anything.

The bookends were okay, and I found the concept somewhat amusing.

I took a halfhearted stab at interpreting the text; some bits almost make sense, but if it was intended to have an overall meaning, it was too obscure for me to pick up on. Occam's razor indicates that it's probably AI generated.

I haven't actually read any Anon-A-Miss fanfics, but the ending was still kind of funny. So while I can't rate it highly, it amused me more than it annoyed me.

Transponer is a great way to make your own special life in your own home in the world of the same time that you can enjoy your life with a beautiful and unique experience.

The camera faces backwards from a wide range of different angles to the station and the atmosphere wraps the perfect fit for your home. You can get a comfortable bed and a half solid kitchen table for your own reference. I've also included a few of the pictures that I think you might like to see where you can find a good one for your wedding party.

Reanimation sequence in progress.

>>Caliaponia

“Ill Lit by Moonlight. Into the Weeds!”

“Riding the Storm Out Until the End of the Sky, A Place in the Sun.”

“When What’s Strange is too Familiar, Do Your Best!”

“No Magic; Big Oof. Overtime Ain’t No Sunshine.”

“Not the Whole Truth; The Fate of the World is Definitely Not at Stake.”

“When The Wall Came Down, It’s What’s on the Inside That Counts; An economically sound amount of napalm to burn All the Treasures of the Earth…”

“Geometric Casa de Papelot.”

“A New Sun Rises. Have you ever seen a grown mare naked?”

“Take a Trot on the Wild Side; The Friends We Made Along The Way…”

Time for a retrospective!

Thank you all for gold! I'm so glad that many of you liked my work and were able to give some great feedback. Some background on the inspiration: I was thinking back to some of my previous art entries, reflecting (ironically) on how many of them involved reflections. That's when I had a picture in my head of Rainbow Dash flying through the clouds alongside some fishes, but unaware of their presence, because it was just a reflection beneath her.

After that, it made more sense to put Fluttershy in the picture, much more aware of her fish friends. I wanted to make it look like she'd found a way to fly with them that wouldn't upset them. Her solution was kind of an illusion. It wasn't the whole truth, but the lie had a more important quality: it was harmless.

>>Not_A_Hat
I agree, a few more ripples would make it clearer what kind of effect I'm going for. I need to figure out a way to do that without, as you say, adding more visual noise. I'm glad you liked it, and thanks for the suggestion!

>>Pascoite
Thanks for the compliments! Personally, I didn't have any more meaning to this drawing besides the little anecdote I shared above. Ultimately, I hoped people would make whatever story they wanted out of it.

>>Bachiavellian
The lily pads were the most distracting part for me as well, especially the perspective they evoke. Something about the way they shrink toward the top of the page clashes with the angle of the reflection, I think.

Last night while I was touching it up, I made an interesting mistake that adjusted the entire perspective. I think I'm happy with this new direction,, even if it no longer fits the original theme. Thank you so much for your feedback! Also, congratulations on silver!

>>Caliaponia
Well-spotted. I don't think I got the water gradient effect quite right. I was trying to imagine how the surface of the water might look if I were standing in it. When you're looking directly down, you can see straight to the bottom. As you look further outward, the bottom becomes warped, and eventually the sky's reflection completely takes over. It's a surreal effect that I didn't do proper justice, but will certainly work on in the future. Thanks for the comments!

>>GroaningGreyAgony
Thanks! Really glad you liked it! Congrats on your medal!

>>Rocket Lawn Chair
I'm going to ignore this comment on the grounds that the commenter is obviously a doofus.

Impossible to take seriously, but amusing.

The standout piece was the humor, of course, with the other elements doing serviceable jobs, but not really noteworthy one way or the other.

I noticed a bit of show/tell redundancy; "O-kay," Twilight said. Their attempts at reassurance did nothing for her fears. to me, the "O-kay" removes the need for the second half.

It definitely plays to a particular sense of humor. The trick for me was managing the cognitive dissonance of laughing at Twilight despite realizing that she's right and the premise really doesn't make sense at all.

The twist at the end into our more traditional absurdity (without the dissonance) worked for me in juicing just a bit extra humor into it, as did the Luna bit.

So good job, I laughed.

Forgive me; I'm stuck on mobile, so my last few reviews are going to have to be concise.

This one's got some cute character work done on all three of our quadrapeds, but it ends up feeling unsubstantial by the end of things.

I'm often not a fan of chopping up a minific into several ultra-mini scenes, and this piece shows off some of the costs associated with doing so. The first scene in particular feels isolated from the others in tone and content; our other reviewers point out the whiplash. I think the ultra rapid fire scenes also contribute to the romance coming a bit out of left field.

So overall, the piece has trouble building on its primary stakes, before it can execute on them. The result feels mostly inoffensive, but it does leave readers craving more, in a bad way.

(Forced on mobile, have to be concise).

I see that some other reviewers had trouble with the perspective shifts, but I'll offer my own reading experience and say that I personally caught on pretty quickly and painlessly.

Now, I'm a big fan of your prose, and I'm always jealous when I see someone pull off these mood-heavy styles. But I'll have to note that I'm not sure how much mileage I got out of the formatting trick.

As for the story itself, I'm a huge sucker for break-up fics, and I think this executed well on its premise. I love how Fluttershy is the one taking the lead; it did a good job to me to imply a lot of character growth.

Overall, probably my favorite this round. Thanks for writing it!

(Forced on mobile, have to be concise).

Some really great imagery here. In particular, the bit about Twilight's speech stuck out to me as vivid.

Now, as cool as all of the horror bits are, I'm going to have to echo some of our other reveiwers and say that there's not much of an overall payoff, here. Part of this comes from the fact that we're never given any evidence that any of these events are anything more than a sleep paralysis nightmare, so they feel kind of inconsequential.

A lot of mood/horror stories like these depend on escalations/twists at the end, and I think this could use one too. IMO, an unnerving hint that this experience was not entirely a dream would go a long way towards giving this story some staying power.

As it is right now, this is a strongly-written piece that just fell short of coming together perfectly for me.

It was the size of a cutlery drawer.

Loved this callback.

I think all the other reviewers pretty much outlined in full, glorious crystal-LED detail everything that I wanted to say about this entry, but I'll just put out a short summary before giving my take on the whole 'changeling or nah' issue.

Scene's great, the dialogue's great, characterization is probably the best of this round. The prose could be a bit denser but that's just a personal preference of mine. I really like the delicately progressive change in tone from lighthearted and carefree to despondent and uncertain, props for that. I do think the pacing did kilter a little near the end of the second scene but it picked itself up immediately after, so it didn't bother me all too much.

Now, on the whole 'is she a changeling' front, I'm with Camp Dysphoria on this one. If I consider the possibility that Smolder was actually a changeling, the issues that Pasco presented above would ultimately be glaring. I'll add to that point by saying that should she be a changeling, I believe she would prioritize Smolder's personality over the general behavior of dragons to aid with her disguise.

I do like, however, the fact that we're given a glimpse at Smolder's hoard. Not really for the hoard itself, but the fact that it's revealed she has one, mostly because of the greater irony of it all. She's uncertain about whether or not she's a 'proper' dragon, yet she seems unaware that she's partaking in the act of hoarding itself. Also, going by the story's logic, these bunch of 'Becoming A Dragon for Dummies' books were special to her, and that this instinct comes from a place of jealousy. Just looking at it like this, I'm thinking that there's a lot of complexity there that cannot be unpacked in a minific format. Having been there a couple of times myself, I'm inclined to believe there's a lot more about this story that you want to get off your chest, to which I say go for it!

With what I'm seeing so far, I'm really, really looking forward to reading an expanded version of this. I do think, however, that Smolder's identity crisis should be an issue tackled in the undercurrent rather than it being the main conflict driving the narrative of the story, though I'm sure you're competent enough of a writer to know that, dear Author. Winks abound!

Thanks for writing, and good luck to you!

I'm getting the sense that this story and Transponer are both derived from the same concept, except this one seems to have a lot more thought put into it. Whether the amount of thought is put in the right place, however, is a separate issue entirely.

Even after reading this and going through everyone's reviews, I still have no idea what this piece is trying to do for me. I got the rough idea of what it's about and what it's aiming for, the last two lines were especially amazing, sure, but whether or not it achieves the goal of doing so is really what would win me over.

With this entry, the concept is dense. Insanely dense. There are so many words and terminology used here that I had to Dictionary.com some of them to grasp what they mean. Nevertheless, this parallel universe that you're building here honestly intrigued me. I'm curious about where D15 is, about what sort of Stanley-Parable-esque world he's living in that this is his life. The setting, the scenario, everything, it works.

As a concept.

My problem lies not in the execution; quite the contrary actually, I believe the execution is top notch, technobabble aside. No, my problem is that the narrative you've packaged and delivered alongside this concept to us lacks any sense of urgency. The story lacks a reason for me to be invested in it. If I removed all the complicated vocabulary and examine at the core of the story as it is, there's not much in the center for me to say that we should sympathize, or even care, about this robotic Discord in the first place. Why is this story about him so important for me to have to spend 5 minutes of my time to pay attention to? Why do all the other reviewers have to spend their time doling out their dissertations for a story that ultimately is just a stagnant scene, made only more lifeless thanks to the language?

One could say that Rest Easy, Justified, a story which I praised, didn't have any urgency as well. However, that story worked for me (and many others) because the perspective of Twilight in that story is delivered with a lot more grace and nuance. The language may not be as rich but it isn't coarse either. I had an understanding of Twilight's thought processes as the story progresses. I know and can confidently attest to what motivations she had for saying and doing something in the story. It was clear to me on the first read what this story was trying to do, and as I read it more and more, the concept it was gunning for despite being in the background soon took form.

With this story, however, I got nothing on my first read. I had no idea what to do with this story moving past my first read. It gave me no reason to continue, but I did anyway because I really admire the effort you've put into this. Honestly, I like the concept, I really do. I just think more focus should be shifted towards clarifying what this story is really about. You know, figure out what your subject matter is, give D15 a clearer motivation and weight to justify the things he's doing.

First off, I just wanna say that I was amused at how impatient and sour Princess Luna is throughout their whole exchange. I can only imagine the number of times she had experienced this in the course of her life to warrant such uncouth behavior.

Apart from that, I'm pretty much alright with his entry. Being the cynical prick I am, comedies rarely garner my interest unless they're surreal and absurd enough with the scenario, or that they're acerbic enough to set some people off. This one obviously lands on the former, though like with Bachi and Miller before me, I don't think it went far enough to really win me over. I'm not really a big fan of the 'Individual X isn't real after all' gimmick as well, at least not in its simplest iteration. Perhaps with a little more work, this could become something special, though if you'd ask me to do it, I'd be clueless as to how to really take things to that next level.

Nevertheless, thanks for writing, and good luck!

This is another abstain for me, on the simple grounds that I am not a poet, and cannot appreciate poetry enough to properly grade it.

I'm sorry, author, sincerely. I wish I weren't a phony English major too.

I like this conceptually. This is another piece that walks well-worn ground, but, again, I don't have a problem with a clicheic premise, so long as that premise is executed well.

In practice, it's... well, the ending is chilling, but the bulk of the storytelling is done in letter form, and our POV character is effectively sidelined as she parses it (I also feel like the letter's contents shift, as they progress -- tonally, vocally, the writing stops feeling like Twilight's by the end). There's no real reason for that. Celestia being the focus of the story could have been an interesting narrative decision, but she really doesn't do anything that the rest of the cast couldn't have done.

So, while I think you manage to land a solid emotional blow at the end of the story, everything that builds up to it is rather wasted. I'm sorry.

I can't say that I have much to add that my esteemed colleagues haven't already said. My fault for putting off reviews until tonight, I suppose.

I can say (broadly) that I found the emotions in here to be weighty, but that weight's thrown off by the theme of lost, fading love being... somewhat ill-conveyed. The first two paragraphs don't work as effectively to set up the conflict as they should.

I'm also not sure I see anybody identifying Fluttershy as merciless or pitiless, and certainly not Fluttershy herself. I also don't see why she's either of those things. She seems to be letting Dashie down kindly.

Given the title and the first section of the fic, I guess I should've had a feeling that this was going to be an uplifting story. And, well, it is an uplifting story that does the job pretty well. You keep the scenes short and sweet, and the descriptions and Tempest's thoughts are concise without being too skeletal or lacking in literary meat.

What I also find great here is the slow loss of desperation shown throughout the fic, and it's best shown (or punctuated) by the creeping addition of Tempest's reasons to live. By the end of it, the viewpoint of post-evil life being drudgery is gone and not even outright mentioned, and it's not in-your-face—it's subtle.

Overall, this is a good fic! Keep doing what you do!

So I think this is a peaceful divorce or at least some kind of amiable break-up going on between Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.

What immediately catches my eye is how you use different paragraph alignments to your narrative advantage. And it also switches depending on the P.O.V. too, relying on the tendency for a lot of people to read from left to right with left being the P.O.V. character and right being someone else talking. That's a nice nuance you included!

For the story itself: it shows a very realistic outcome for a Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash relationship if Dash got involved with her Wonderbolt dream. The logic behind it is quite sound with Fluttershy's assertions that it just woudln't work the way it is contrasted with Rainbow's desperation to keep the relationship going even if it'd be untenable. And it's all brushed away under the rug in an attempt to stay polite and not talk about something so sensitive. Emotionally speaking, you got this one alright!

Vividness of setting descriptions aside, it's also a nice depiction of Rainbow Dash at the end that'd also be realistic: a middle-aged(?) mare stressed out and probably facing a mid-life crisis before her. And smokes too (which does fit in well with the Smoke and Mirrors picture in a novel way). A way to try to de-stress after having to break-up; a reasonable outcome.

Overall, this is a gimmicky story in all the right ways and nicely depicts a relationship that just drifts apart. Good job to you!

I thought the story would be about Smolder hoarding dresses or something like it given her guilty pleasures displayed in the show, but that also showed that I forgot the title altogether. And that's good!—because it made me wonder about what's going on so much that I forgot the obvious. Good case of misdirection here!

As for the actual reveal: it's even greater that you don't give us a definite answer; helps generate lots of discussion and thought about what Smolder may actually be and forces readers to think for themselves and take a stand on the issue. (Personally, I think she is a changeling only because it's the most straightforward conclusion given the title.) However, it also means that Smolder isn't that much different from Spike, at least whenever she started out this dragon thing: not knowing much about dragons, and being one of the odd ones out dragon-wise.

It's also great on second read, knowing that Smolder isn't "that much of a dragon" as everyone else thinks she is (case in point: Sandbar likening her to a dragon textbook, not knowing that Smolder is relying on dragon textbooks.) That this story takes on a fuller light on second read really fulfills the Not the Whole Truth prompt going on here.

Overall, this is a great story... um, overall! Don't stop what you're doing!

I apologize if I didn't get much out of it because I'm not knowledgeable enough to understand or truly appreciate what's going on here. I only probably get the gist of what's going on here and that's after I checked a comment or two to figure it out... and I think it's about Discord but as a robot.

It does fit the prompt of Not the Whole Truth by depicting Discord as a robot and not as something organic. Gives off some Terminator vibes, actually. Wouldn't that be a fun twist if this was fleshed out to its full potential? Discord revealing that he's a robot all this time to Fluttershy and the rest of the Mane Six?

Overall, this is a well-written story even if I don't understand even half of what's going on. At least you're knowledgeable enough to make this very believable!

So... long-lived Twilight princess who managed to outlive not just her friends but Celestia and Luna too (and probably her parents). I haven't read much in the way of immortal/long-lived Twilight stories so I'm coming in feeling that this isn't cliched.

This is a good look into how Twilight would end up in, well, a long-lived situation... and it's coping through talking to statues. Given the indeterminate amount of years (or decades or centuries even) she must've lived in this case, you accurately portray Twilight triyng to put on a smiling mask for her dead friends who may not even be there soul-wise but in the afterlife proper.

It's also a nice twist to the Not the Whole Truth prompt, in that Twilight is, in a way, trying to disregard a part of the truth (of her dead friends) to herself whenever she visits this place.

Overall, a cool story and a unique take on the Twilight-outlives-her-friends trope! Very nice!

I'm gonna sound pretty negative here, but I just want to clarify that it's not really the case for how I feel about this story. I think the story's core idea is a good one, even if it is overdone. With everything else added into the picture, however, I'm left feeling rather indifferent as to what this story ultimately is gunning for.

Regarding the execution, the thing about writing stories with such a limited length is that it forces you to say what you need to say with the least amount of words possible. As Bachi had mentioned prior, I'm seeing a lot of little details littered throughout the story that didn't really add anything substantial to the overall experience of the story, with some of them being a bit too repetitive. The whole focus on the seven seals in the first paragraph is the most egregious example of throwing a lot of focus and weight by harkening back to it over and over, yet at the end, the seven seals were only a biblical reference at best. If anything, it only served to hinder the pacing and stir up my frustrations a little.

Likewise, in the greater picture, the focus on having the entire middle section to be served as a letter seems to be misguided. It adds a broad stroke of progression to the narrative but it trades off almost everything else in the process. In fact, the letter itself seems to lack focus. I can't espy what Twilight was thinking when she was writing this particular letter. It's a bit disjointed and purposeless, serving only as a means to advance the story but not build upon it.

The ending is sharp and to the point, and it's probably the main highlight of this story. Cliche aside, the last line does a good job of translating the dread and uncertainty of the moment. It does lead me inclined to believe, Author, that in the planning process, you've come up with the ending first and had to yank an exposition from it somewhere.

Honestly, I believe this story suffers from the same issues I had with one of the other entries, The Butterfly Effect, in that there's too much thought put into delivering the concept and not enough into delivering a story. The concept is not as densely packed, so I came away from my first read of this story a lot less frustrated, to say the least. The core story, however, lacks focus, and thus, it lacked the urgency and immediacy for me to spend more time thinking about it.

Ultimately, I think what I wanted from this story is for it to have something more than it just being meta about the show. There's already a lot of stories on FimFic alone that already pulled this same trick, so how would this story be any different? What makes this story something worth paying attention to? Perhaps when you have the answer to that, you might have something special, dear Author. Until then, I can't honestly say I'll take some time off to read this as it is.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

I just want to make it known here before really diving deep into this that I have only positive things to say about this story.

When it comes to stories having a gimmick, I tend to be really apprehensive and critical of them. There were some gimmick-utilizing stories in previous rounds that I absolutely blew up on without a care for what anyone else would think about me, mostly because the gimmick I find myself having to sieve through doesn't add anything to the overall idea of the story, or worse, turned it into such a clusterfuck that it infuriated me to have had my time wasted on when I could be doing more productive things.

This story's gimmick, however, works. Everyone pretty much stated all the little reasons why I think the gimmick works, but ultimately, what makes it work for me was that it was amplifying the story's message and not defining it. When I take away the gimmick and just realign their conversation to the general format, the story still works really well. Adding the gimmick in only helps with driving the underlying emotions through. I cannot stress this enough: the concept shouldn't be carrying the story, the story should, and it is because of that very reason that this entry is great.

Now, with that aside, the story proper.

The atmosphere here is hands down the best that this round has to offer. There's a lot happening in between the lines that it honestly is astonishing just how much more I'm discovering about Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy every time I came back to this, so props. The changes of POV did take me a while for it to catch on. My best interpretation is that it alternates between the two, starting with Rainbow first. I do think that they blend together at times, but I believe it's not really an issue of the writing and more an issue of varying mileages for everyone, especially when I consider the hard scene breaks slapped in between.

I'm probably gonna be in the minority as I say this, but the issues that most of the other reviewers have had with the certain lines that both Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash have (the smiles being merciless and pitiless, the big fish in a small pond, etc.) does not apply to me. After all, this isn't the Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash that we know from the show. No, our two pegasi here are being redefined entirely from top to bottom, stemming from the context that their amorous relationship had recently ended badly. Really, really, badly. There's a lot of pain, angst, and anger, the well-hidden bitterness and resentment for each other woven beneath the gentle facade. Those sentences only further added context to that effect.

I think if there's one minor gripe I do have about that, it's that I think what ultimately was the dealbreaker of their relationship needs to be something more grave and serious to justify them acting this way. From what I could tell, their relationship ended because of RD's wavering commitments between Fluttershy and the academy, though I came away from this story thinking that's really only one reason out of many. Perhaps if there's more clarity on why Rainbow Dash pursuing her Wonderbolt endeavors tore her relationship with Fluttershy apart, it may inadvertently solve the issue with characterization the other reviewers seem to be having.

With how delicate yet confrontational this story handled its narrative and concept hand in hand, this entry ultimately skyrocketed to the top of the list for me. I really have no idea how you might further expand this to be able to publish this but with what I've already had on my plate, I'm sure you'll figure something out. Until then, I'll be looking forward to reading this.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

Late review incoming!

This is a rather nice story. Probably the most lighthearted out of the bunch. The interaction between Tempest and Fluttershy throughout the story is cute and comes across naturally, even if feels abrupt. I think if there's a possible way to hint that they both reserved some emotions for each other beyond blushing and flustering about, then perhaps it'll come across a lot more cleanly and smoothly enough to not warrant any further scrutiny.

The depiction of Tempest in the first scene does need some tweaking though. I don't think it's really the depiction itself but how it's depicted that really is the problem here. I don't think Tempest in this story was intended to seem suicidal. From what I'm getting, it's not that she doesn't want to live but more like she has nothing else to look forward to in life. There's definitely a stark difference between being tormented by suicidal thoughts and being plagued by ennui. The tone I'm getting from the story indicates you were aiming for the latter, however, in which case, I think perhaps you'll have to be more selective with the words so that it really shines through. I do realize it may affect the 'reasons to live' callback this story has going for it though, so do take my words with a grain of salt.

One little nitpick I do want to mention was how the relationship was progressing as the story went by. As nice as their interaction was, I couldn't help but feel that something is missing every time I've read it. It's only after my fourth read that I realize what bothering me was that this may not have been the most interesting part to start the story off on. I'm pretty sure there's a lot more that can be done if we're given a glimpse of their interaction somewhere further down the line instead of what we're given here. Not at a time that they've gotten together—if they ever get together—but before that. I think it would work to this story's favor to have a clearer idea of just how this mutual attraction would bloom beyond what we're given here.

All in all, I think this story did just enough to win me over. Will definitely like to see whether you're willing to take it a little further.

Thanks for writing!

Late review incoming!

As with many of my fellow reviewers, I'm not an expert on poetry. I don't think I'm confident enough to say that I know exactly what I'm talking about. This review is mostly gonna be riffing on what I think works and doesn't work for this entry personally, so take my words with a hefty palmful of salt.

Regarding Pasco's point on wondering whether this poem wants to tell a story or not, I'm inclined to believe that this poem is attempting to tell a story, it's just that the story it's trying to tell doesn't really have all that much to say. Keep in mind, I don't think I've fully dissected the story here to stand by my statement, though from what little I could gather, I'm rather indifferent as to what this poem is attempting to build towards.

The big highlight of this particular entry is, of course, the language. It's verbose and flowery, which to me gives the whole poem a sense of grandeur and wonder. I've had some Ozymandias vibes coming out from it, so I think the eclectic choice of words is rather well done. However, I'm not sure how I feel about the implementation of it. I'm thinking it's because what little bit of story I could extract out of the poem doesn't seem to warrant the awe and amazement that the language is suggesting. I think in a more conventional, Earth-like setting, such wonder can be warranted, but because I'm considering that this is all happening in the world of Equestria, everything that I believe is happening in the poem just feels rather commonplace.

I don't mind the gimmick all that much, mostly because the last two lines of the purple-colored (green if in dark mode) poem seemed to be suggesting the invisible poem in advance. I'm not entirely sure what that brings to the table other than the fact that some thought and care was put into this, however.

Definitely interested to hear your thought processes behind this entry, Author. Thanks for writing!

'Kay, let's talk about this real quick.

So, yes, this was a somewhat exaggerated, yet still faithful, depiction of my own experience with sleep paralysis. It happens to me often enough that I kinda know when it's happening and try to keep my eyes shut and ride it out, but there are times where the audio/visual hallucinations will still spook the hell out of me. Seeing tiny things skitter around in my room, people or creatures standing around, or being sucked into my furniture -- Apple Bloom getting swallowed by her bed is based on my earliest memory of sleep paralysis, where I felt my bedroom wall sucking me into what I assumed was Hell.

I'm glad I was able to spook people with it. But I acknowledge that it's less of a cohesive story, and more of a scene that could work as the basis of a story. I'm tempted to write it, but honestly, Apple Bloom suffering and being traumatized happens often enough in my work that it's a cliche. I think I'll just include it in my inevitable anthology of writeoff minifics that I didn't feel like expanding into full-length narratives.

Lemme respond to some specifics:

>>WritingSpirit

Personally, I'm not entirely sure that Twilight was your best pick to be the monster beneath her desk. I'm guessing she was used as a segue from Apple Bloom initially believing it was Princess Luna, but that didn't really go anywhere in the end. Twilight also didn't seem that close to Apple Bloom to begin with save for a few interactions in the show here and there.

To have Applejack in place of Twilight, however, I believe would bring more interesting developments to the table. I'd fear for Apple Bloom if I learned that she was being choked out of her life by her own sister. That dread would also be further amplified at the end when Applejack stops by at the door. It'll leave me questioning the sequence of events that happened and also wonder whether the danger has really gone away, which I think would do wonders for this entry.

I see your point. Honestly, the hallucination taking the form of Twilight, as opposed to anyone else, came from the picture I based the story on; that's also why the mysterious Twist-filly pops up, too. I suppose it could have been anyone.

I'd argue that keeping it as someone with no reason to be there, as opposed to a more direct familial relation, is in line with the surreal nature of dreams, and of sleep paralysis in particular. But I could see a good argument for making it Appley-Jack instead.

>>Caliaponia

The transition when she wakes mixes things up, but was also difficult to follow; she instantly replied to deny it without giving any indication of her thought processes, so I was left to wonder: Is it some compulsion? Insta-forgetting? Lying?

I'm getting mixed signals, and just don't know what to conclude.

I'm not too sure what you're referring to here. Are you talking about Apple Bloom's initial actions upon waking, or about her remarks to Applejack, or about the moment where she fully shakes off the dream?

If it's the latter, then... actually, yeah, I see it. The transition from dreaming to waking isn't made clear enough. That's a problem I knew I was gonna have, because with sleep paralysis, there is no smooth transition between dreaming and waking; you're both, at the same time. For instance, I have a recurring thing where there's some kind of buggy (or snakey) thing in bed with me, and upon leaping up and turning around, I'll realize there's nothing in there; I won't see, or feel, whatever was in bed with me. Sometimes I won't even remember why I got up in the first place, and I'll just kinda fall back in, quietly disturbed.

And that sense of ambiguity and confusion is very difficult to illustrate in writing, when trying to maintain a cohesive narrative, and I don't think I did it well at all.

Thanks to everyone else who reviewed. I'm glad you enjoyed.

Hey, lookit that, I finally medaled with one of my Tempest minifics.

... Does this mean I'll stop writing them? Hell no.

Retrospective: Emotional Support Being

For real, thanks so much for the bronze, guys! And big congrats to Meri and Miller for their amazing stories as well!

To be honest, I never really expected this to do well, and I'm still a little bit confused that it did. The inspiration for writing about not-really-depression kind of came at the last minute when I was looking at ", or even half of it", and then "Smoke and Mirrors" made me want to write about Fluttershy too. And of course, predictably, my brain had a clinical need to make Tempest the glue that held both of these ideas together.

I wrote this entry without an outline, which is always a recipe for bad things. Predictably, people didn't like the things that I didn't like; the pacing, the rushed romance, etc. I'll have to note, though, that I actually wrote the first scene before I even came up with the idea of the puppy or the romance, so the mood of it is definitely different from the rest of the piece, and our esteemed reviewers did catch on that shift. Seriously, ya'll are the best readers, no joke.

---

>>Not_A_Hat
Happy you liked it! Thank you for leaving your thoughts!

>>RogerDodger
Thanks, and sorry for bothering you all round this event. :P

>>Pascoite
Yeah, I should have probably hyphenated instead of the em dash. Em dashes are an unhealthy habit of mine.

Yep, this would have probably made a much better Short Story entry than a minific. I was really writing on-the-fly for the most part, and I should have paid better attention to figuring out what I actually had the space to develop.

Thanks for your review!

>>Posh
Totally agree. I'd probably need another 5 or 6 thousand words to give all of these ideas justice.Thank you for your honest thoughts; I should know by now that I can't get away with being lazy with planning. Ya'll call me out on it every time.

>>Meridian_Prime
Thank you! I'm glad you liked Tempest's characterization. Because I will probably end up writing more with her—not by choice, but because my muse is an uncreative bitch with a fixation on Princesses, and I've tricked it into thinking that Tempest is one of them.

>>Caliaponia
Appreciate you leaving your thoughts! Yeah, I did not give this the editing pass it deserved, and all the points you brought up made me squirm. Thank you for pointing them out! As for the last-line emphasis, I kinda meant it to mean that Tempest was looking for anyone to help, rather than somepony in particular. Should have found a way to make that clearer...

>>Rao
"Reverse John Wicking" is my new favorite phrase. And yeah, this idea could have used a lot more room to grow. I'm only a bit flabbergasted that you liked the schizophrenically short scenes, but, hey, whatever works! Thanks for your review!

>>Comma Typer
Thank you very much for leaving your thoughts! I'm very glad that the story worked for you! You and I might have to argue on what "subtle" means (I personally think I was skillessly swinging a sledgehammer, here), but if you enjoyed the story, then I'm not going to complain too much!

>>WritingSpirit
Right, I definitely didn't want Tempest to come across as outright suicidal, so I appreciate you pointing out the difference between what I'm trying to convey, and what the reader might be getting on their end. The romance angle was probably an overshoot on my part, and it was tacked on relatively late in my non-existent planning process, so yeah, I get it when you say that it's abrupt and doesn't feel like it's well-positioned to pay off. Thank you very much for leaving your detailed thoughts!

---

Congrats again to our other medalists, and I'll see ya'll next time!

Congrats to our newest medalists, and apologies for any mental trauma induced by butting heads against this monolith, but it seems that folks at least got some gratification as it was picked apart.

In particular, my sincere gratitude to >>Pascoite, >>Not_A_Hat, >>Meridian_Prime, >>Bachiavellian, >>Baal Bunny, >>Rao, >>Posh, >>Miller Minus, >>WritingSpirit, and >>Comma Typer for leaving their thoughts, even the dittos.

I knew I was being obscure, but being on the inside, I didn't fully appreciate the degree of difficulty. This is a prime example of the value of reader feedback in calibration.

FWIW, >>Bachiavellian pretty much nailed it with his theory. The only caveat is that I hadn't quite envisioned eons, but it's entirely possible.

If anyone was curious about the critter names, it was basically <diet> <size><composition>.

I appreciate the suggestions; there are some interesting pathways there, and if at some point i to develop it, try to incorporate them, as well as I have some ideas to expand on the core concept as well.

Still, I'd feel remiss about not putting out a chapter of JPT first.

>>Posh

I'm not too sure what you're referring to here. Are you talking about Apple Bloom's initial actions upon waking, or about her remarks to Applejack, or about the moment where she fully shakes off the dream?

I was scratching my head because Applebloom's immediate response "The bed's too deep; I almost fell right in." seemed at odds with what happened. I mean, yeah she was kind of stuck in the bed, but that felt kind of minor compared to creepy face creatures. And to be pedantic, she was pushed more then fell.

So if Applebloom remembered what happened, it seems like an odd thing to say, but if she forgot it, why would she be staring at where the creatures were?

>>RogerDodger why don't you just ask me to die, roger

>>Caliaponia Oh, that.

Apple Bloom is disoriented and saying things that don't entirely make sense. This is also based on my own experience with parasomnia, where I'll wake up noisily, someone will ask me if I'm okay, and I'll try to explain my experience in relatable terms that just end up being nonsense.

>>CoffeeMinion
Dunno that I literally see any more than what you're seeing. I think my meaning is that there's some interesting implications in all the little pieces of the scene. A sliver of light in a dark room, implying a door cracked open slightly. One eye closed, like she's pretending to be asleep.

Initially when I saw this picture, I imagined Apple Bloom overhearing a whispered conversation in the hallway. Granny Smith and Applejack are talking about Apple Bloom. They're discussing something they don't want her to know. They don't know she's wide awake, listening.

If I'd written a story for this round, it would have been for this picture.

>>Bachiavellian
>>Pascoite
>>Posh
>>Meridian_Prime
>>Caliaponia
>>Rao
>>WritingSpirit
>>Comma Typer

All done. Thanks for your lovely comments, and for the silver, and I'll see you all in Original-land!

Well. I wasn't expecting this! Thank you all for the comments, and for collectively deeming this medal worthy.

There are a lot of pretty in depth comments here, so I think I'm going to go with what I did for my last writeoff and just reply to them all individually. Pretty much everyone had interesting points, and noticed something everyone else missed.

But yeah this first comment is just to say I'm super chuffed about this, and really appreciate people taking the time to critique it.

First up, >>Not_A_Hat!

The emotions are conveyed fairly well here.

I have a bit of trouble with the idea of a dedicated, strong-willed athlete like Rainbow smoking, but... eh. It fits in fairly well with the scene you're painting.

I'll take "fairly well", I'm never sure about how well I convey emotions! And honestly your thought pattern there kind of followed mine a bit? I was hesitant about the smoking thing too, but something about the scene I was writing just demanded it.

The justification stuff felt gimmicky to me. I think this would be perfectly understandable and more readable without it; I didn't see any bits where it seemed more useful than just sticking to normal convention. Sure, there's always something to be said for making stuff weirder, but I'm not sure it's worth it here. Well, if people stop experimenting in writeoff minific rounds, I'll be sad, but yeah. Part of that might be because it doesn't seem consistent; in the first scene, I think that's Fluttershy with the right-justify, while in the fourth, it's Rainbow?

I think a number of people missed the last thing you mentioned here--yes, the right justification thing did switch POV. Specifically, the person on the right was always the person who's POV it wasn't. And it's totally fair to not appreciate the gimmick--overall I think it worked out how I wanted it to. I don't think the story is lesser without it, but it adds a physical distance to match the emotional one I'm trying to convey.

I'm not sure the first two scenes are doing much for me. They feel sort of... floaty and loose, which helps set the mood, but other than that, they just kinda exist. I feel like the 'smile' kickers are supposed to be conveying something, but I'm not picking up on anything really concrete. As-is, I think I could read this from the beginning of the fourth scene, and get nearly the same impact. It might be because it took me several reads to figure out who's doing what where, and I'm still not sure I've got it. Rainbow is walking, while Fluttershy is on the riverbank? I originally scanned it as being the other way around, since I assumed the walking mare was the one speaking in the first scene... tightening up your action tags would help, and I don't think keeping names out at first is very useful... although I guess I'm not really sure what you're going for here.

I put quite a bit of time into those opening scenes, but I had to cut a lot of it for the minific word limit. That might be contributing to the 'floaty' feel you got. And yes, it is in the order you guessed it--Fluttershy specifically is supposed to be aloft above the river, in pretty much the exact pose in the inspiring picture, and that image is the first thing Rainbow sees of her. I'll take a look at it again, and its action tags--I was trying to go convey their personalities without the reader needing to be told who they were. Given the confusion a lot of people had, I don't think I quite managed this.

Anyways, I'm a fan of the 'multiple small scenes' thing in minifics. It can be difficult to do, but it can also give a lot of weight to a very short story.

On the whole, I enjoyed this. Thanks for writing!

I'm a fan of them too! To the point I maybe do them too often...
Thank you for the critiques! They've given me a lot to think about in the best way possible.

EDIT: forgot to address this, but you're not the only one to notice the Sweet and Sad lines might not have quite worked (as my own false review points out!). Specifically with "merciless" and "pitiless"--they're the same smile, from two different perspectives. Rainbow sees it and knows deep down that for all Fluttershy's kindness this conversation is going to hurt, while Fluttershy knows as she makes it that for all that she loves Rainbow she's going to have to be a bit ruthless in this conversation. Two sides of the same coin. And "weightless" is because the hard part is over at that point. Rainbow's stopped fighting the inertia of the end of their relationship, she's given in.

Local legend >>Pascoite in with the second comment:

The atmosphere here is great, and I like the visual formatting, which almost makes it poetic. On the whole I'll say I rather liked it, because those are the big things. The problems were a lot of small ones and one kind of big.

I was going for atmosphere big time, so this is good to here, as is that you liked it on the whole. Lets dive into the problems!

So, for the structure. You have 5 scenes, the first two in Fluttershy's POV, then you alternate. By the time I get to the third, especially in a story this short, I've already been conditioned to think the whole story will be from Fluttershy's POV, so it was a bit jarring to switch to Dash's. After the first time, it's less jarring, since it's precedented. (Huh. Spell check says "unprecedented" is fine but not "precedented.")

So uh, the first scene isn't in Fluttershy's POV, it's in Dash's. The story goes Dash, Flutters, Dash, Flutters, Dash. The fact that you missed this means I did something wrong in my opening scenes; I had to cut stuff in order to get inside the word limit, but I'll still be sure to put this bit under some discerning eyes before it goes on fimfic.

Also, it is a bit odd that precedented is apparently not a word. Go figure.

But what do we really gain by going into Dash's POV? I learned that she didn't like the kettle and her dislike troubled her, but I have to think that's something Fluttershy could have read from her. And the last scene certainly wasn't anything that required being grounded in Dash's POV. So I don't understand why you didn't just stick with Fluttershy the whole time.

I was going for a very specific feeling in this piece. Namely, that of two people who have tried and tried and tried and failed, through no real fault of their own. Just time, difference and growing apart. And how bitter that can be. I didn't think I could accurately convey that through one perspective, and the idea was to show some of the small things that had ended up pushing them apart in the first place through their perspectives: Rainbow's stubborness, Fluttershy's small town temperament, that kind of thing.

Then the way you ended the first scene: "Smiles, soft and sad and merciless." The second one ends "Smiles, soft and sad and pitiless." I liked the connection, that you were changing only one word to morph from one thing to another. At least it seemed like you were doing this intentionally. Then the third scene didn't have such an ending. Maybe justifiably, since it had switched to Dash's POV, but I think continuing that thematic repetition would be even more grounds for keeping everything in Fluttershy's POV. Then the fourth scene ends "Smiles, sad and sweet and weightless." Same phrasing, but you changed two of the words this time. It breaks the pattern, possibly fits a new one, though if you increase the number of changes each time, it's not sustainable after the next time, and there's no more of them to see what a more complex pattern would be. Finally, the last scene doesn't have such an ending, again maybe because it's in Dash's POV.

The pattern here was meant to be that the first two were the same smile, as seen from first the person at which it was directed, and then from the person giving it. I went into a bit more detail up in my response to Not_A_Hat. That's kind of the end of that "pattern", it's more just a reflection of each other. The third instance though is supposed to be a bit different; it's a different smile, at a different time, with different meanings to it.

But you're right about it being a bit too short to really establish that. I can explain it all I like, but if it doesn't come across in the text...

And I did think about making the last one "soft and sad and weightless". To be honest, I'm not sure why I didn't in the end. I might change it back for the revised edition of this, need to think it over.

We're seeing a watershed moment in their relationship, and that hit me the wrong way for two reasons. One, because the story had seemed to focus more on being atmospheric. Through the first two scenes, it was clear Fluttershy was melancholy, but not that something this climactic was on the way. So it was a bit of mood whiplash. But then the climax doesn't even feel properly built up to. We're conditioned to care about these two characters because we've spent years watching and writing and reading them, but were this original fiction, I'd have no investment in seeing them work it out. All I know is that Fluttershy doesn't like Dash's work hours and smoking habit, but those are pretty generic, and also seem on the low end of a reason to break up a long-term relationship. Unless they were of much more importance to Fluttershy than they'd be to the average person, but there's no evidence of that in the story. I'm not getting a lot of reason to care beyond the default "breakups suck."

Hoo, there's a lot here. I know I've done this a lot in my response, but I think I need to frame this in what I was trying to write, and why. First of all, these aren't the RD and Fluttershy we know. They're older, a little more world-weary, and they have a long and complicated relationship between them. And I very deliberately wrote this in a way that it didn't feel climactic: because sometimes things end with a whimper and not a bang. Dash's hours and smoking habit, they're supposed to be a little window into their lives together, just one of the hundred million reasons they fell apart. I was trying to construct this scene that had a lot more going on behind it, and felt that way to the reader. I don't think it worked for you in that sense. Again, definitely going over this with a fine-tooth comb before it goes up anywhere else.

tl;dr its is "breakups suck" but I was trying to subvert the 'woe is me!' angle and go for something that felt more realistic for two people who have known each other for most of their lives, and been friends or more for pretty much all that time.

A pleasure to read, but it feels thin on the background, and a few of the structural decisions threw me for a loop.

I hope some of my longwinded explanations helped clarify things a bit for you! The background feeling thin is definitely a problem as I was trying to achieve the opposite! You're not supposed to see the background, but it should still feel like it's there. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it though, and your comments have helped me see which things I really need to flesh out in this.

Thirdly (or fourthly, after my slightly pompous self-review): >>Caliaponia

On my first read I had difficulty following the characters at times, particularly in the beginning, where I wasn't sure who was speaking.

Three for three on this now. Definitely something for me to try and clarify for the extended version.

I can't say I'm a fan of the smoking either, but fics gotta fic, and it could be for the 'smoke' part of the 'smoke and mirrors'

Definitely partly that! But also, the smoking just felt right for the scene; it was one of the more emotional writing decisions I made in this, more gut feeling than anything else.

There's some nicely understated drama here. It takes some time to come into focus, and benefits from the second read.

I appreciated some of the subtle shadings of emotion that the phrasing achieved, such as 'allowed to grow apart' and 'come to love them less'

Thank you! I was really trying to evoke that, so it's wonderful to hear someone appreciated it.

Descriptions / body language were on the sparse side, and I'm not the biggest fan of the use of alignment to denote speaker. It did work, however, and there's the word limit to keep in mind.

Word limit was a factor for the descriptions for sure. The beginning in particular was a lot denser in first draft. It seems the alignment gimmick got mixed reactions--I'm personally glad I stuck with it, but to each their own!

Thanks for reading! For everyone else, rest of the responses to come tomorrow.

>>Meridian_Prime
Okay, if the first scene is supposed to be Dash's POV, it didn't sound like it to me, but you're already on that. If it comes across clearly, then the POV shifting is consistent and it'll be easier to follow. Sounds like you've got a handle on that. It'll also make a few of the other issues I had moot.

It does make those thematic-sounding scene enders feel inconsistent though. I now understand why the first two were done the way you did, since they're the same smile, but since you used another one later on, it makes it seem like an incomplete thematic tie. I'd recommend either getting rid of the third one or ending every scene with such a line.

I do like the "specific couple of things as a window into the bigger picture," and it's a great method for establishing a general sense of something, but often not for a turning point or emotionally charged moment. Like if you have a romance story, giving quick examples of a couple dates they'd been on brings the relationship some life and adds to the characterization so that the romance seems more real to the reader without simply informing him they're in love and expecting him to believe it. Another good example I read recently uses a shared hobby as a window to establish a childhood friendship. It makes it hit that much harder when tragedy strikes one of them, because we'd had a richer picture of what they meant to each other.

But that's the pretty big distinction I'm making here: that a couple of illustrative anecdotes do well to get me invested in the friendship or the romance, so that when the guillotine drops, I care what happens. But if the couple of illustrative examples are about why the guillotine drops, they'd better be very important reasons, to the point I think to myself that even if I wouldn't make that choice personally, I completely understand why that character plausibly could. The whole reason for the story's existence is a dangerous thing to be incomplete about.

Here, it's not that case I feel Fluttershy's reasons are implausible. She certainly could be very put off by odd hours and smoking. But to rise to the level of something she's willing to break up over, I was left scratching my head a bit, because I didn't have any evidence that they were particularly problematic for her. The hours especially: I don't know at what point they decided to try a relationship, but definitely after Dash had made clear her aspirations to be a Wonderbolt, and quite possibly after she actually was one, so I don't know why that would have come as a surprise to her. Unless it's one of those things that you don't know will be a problem until you're actually dealing with it, but in that case, let the story say so. It just takes a sentence or two.

So while I liked the "window to a bigger picture" approach (and this is something many authors struggle to do well, so kudos for executing it and understanding how and why it works), it's usually better for the background of why I should care the big moment happens than for justifying the big moment itself. It's great for getging me invested in the relationship so it means something to me when it ends, but as to why it ends, I would have liked something more concrete. The name of the game is making readers happy, though, so if most people feel like what you've done fits, then I may just be an outlier.

I'm a sucker for atmosphere pieces, though, and this did a great job of it.

>>Pascoite
This is incredibly useful feedback. Full disclosure: I'm not entirely sure I agree about everything you said. But I'm also aware that as the person who wrote this stuff, I'm pretty biased. I'll definitely be coming back to this as I'm rewriting, and referring any and all potential pre-readers to it to see what they think.

One thing:

Here, it's not that case I feel Fluttershy's reasons are implausible. She certainly could be very put off by odd hours and smoking. But to rise to the level of something she's willing to break up over, I was left scratching my head a bit, because I didn't have any evidence that they were particularly problematic for her.

So I realised one of the things we're coming at from different angles when I read this bit; the smoking and the long hours aren't supposed to be why Fluttershy decided to break up with RD. Why she did isn't really the point of the story. They're just Rainbow's grasping attempts at salvaging a sinking ship (heh). This story isn't about why RD and Flutters broke up, it's about who they are at the moment that they do. If that makes sense.

...I suspect I'm being a little pretentious here, but hey it got me gold!

Next up, and another name I've been following for a looong time: >>Baal Bunny

I got:

As an aside--I've always loved your miniature-letter style of comments. Just thought I'd let you know!

That the first section is Rainbow's POV--the talk about living in a cloud city and how much freer the sky is than the ground and all--but since so many folks are having trouble, a little more showing that it's her would definitely be in order. Also, in the rest of the piece, Fluttershy's lines are scooted over on the left, but her line at the end of that first section is scooted over to the right. That might be adding to the collective confusion.

You're right that a) it's Rainbow and b) that I clearly need to clarify that a bit! And talking about collective confusion, it was never supposed to be "character a on left, character b on right", it was supposed to be "pov character on left, opposing character on right". But that I had to explain that only really reinforces your point about confusion; definitely something I'll be giving a look over.

It's the second section, though, that threw me. We're in Fluttershy's POV, but I can't quite see her thinking of herself as "a big fish in a small pond." More in character would be "a small fish in a small pond," seems to me.

I actually feel reasonably strongly about this bit, so forgive the incoming ramble. You're right, Fluttershy isn't a big fish in a big pond. She's a small fish in a tiny pond, that tiny pond being her cottage and garden.

As someone who is pretty shy in real life, and often had similar sorts of social issues to Flutters as a kid, one thing that rang true for me in my experience was the importance of control, or rather the lack of it. Social situations were kind of terrifying because I could only control my own actions, and not other peoples responses to them. It's the fear of doing something wrong, of unknowingly evoking the wrong reaction, saying what you think is the right thing but isn't to everyone else.

Anyway, the point is, home was always the place where I could relax, because I had some of that control back. And for me, Fluttershy is indeed a small fish--but even small fish have their own little corner of the world, and Fluttershy's cottage is that for her. Even in show, it's the one space that she is always shown to be totally comfortable in, unless someone else intrudes on it.

I'm not too sure I explained that very well, but it's what I got.

And then having the final word of the section be "pitiless"? Maybe she would think that she's determined to be pitiless or that she needs to be pitiless to get through this. Unless you're trying to convey that she's changed a lot with the passage of time? I couldn't figure it out, though.

I think I explained this best at the end of my response to Not_A_Hat, in the "EDIT" bit. If that doesn't assuage your confusion, let me know!

I also got confused by the line "Think she’ll bring that boy of hers? Pinkie’s been wanting to meet him for years." It sounds to me like Rainbow's saying that Pinkie's youngest, who's just graduated from something, has a son who Pinkie's never met. Is that what's happening there? 'Cause that opens a whole 'nother confusing can of narrative worms...

I was going more for "boy" in the sense of "boy-friend"--basically, RD is being the slightly judge-y Aunt! No Pie family drama here.

Still, I always like when the dust and ashes stage of a relationship is shown in such a tamped down fashion. And this does that really well.

Mike

Dust and ashes was exactly what I was going for. Thank you!

Next: >>Rao!

Diverging from the pack a bit and saying I loved the left-right justified speaker notation. It really helps to sell the "growing apart" idea, since even their speech is starting from opposite ends of the page now. And, of course, the narrator bits are center justified, because telling the story doesn't mean picking a side.

YESSSS
This is exactly what I was trying to do. That you both spotted it and liked it is awesome.

A couple of Rainbow's lines are a little long and brush up against the left margin, but that may be my page size being too small on my laptop rather than a proper formatting issue, but something to consider.

I went back and checked when I first saw this--I didn't (and still can't) see any issues, so I think it might be your page size?

The subject matter has been done probably a thousand times, but that doesn't mean a well-done thousand and first isn't worth the while. In particular, Flutters being the wizened, mature, strong-willed one of the two is a pleasant experience.

Fluttershy has always had quiet strength show through sometimes--I can only imagine as she gets older, that strength comes to the forefront a bit more. And I'm very happy you enjoyed this thousand and first attempt!

Onto our local musical tyrant-prince, >>Bachiavellian:

(Forced on mobile, have to be concise).

Alas, cruel world! (I friggin hate phone keyboards)

I see that some other reviewers had trouble with the perspective shifts, but I'll offer my own reading experience and say that I personally caught on pretty quickly and painlessly.

Yay! A lot of the early reviewers were leaning on the "this is confusing", so having a couple of people give it a thumbs up is a bit of a relief.

Now, I'm a big fan of your prose, and I'm always jealous when I see someone pull off these mood-heavy styles. But I'll have to note that I'm not sure how much mileage I got out of the formatting trick.

Fair enough a la the formatting trick, it was clearly the most divisive bit of this piece. But wow what a compliment! Thanks!

As for the story itself, I'm a huge sucker for break-up fics, and I think this executed well on its premise. I love how Fluttershy is the one taking the lead; it did a good job to me to imply a lot of character growth.

Again, thank you! And that was very much the intention--these aren't the same ponies we know from the show. They've grown older and hopefully wiser, and definitely a lot more tired. Implication is the name of the game!

Overall, probably my favorite this round. Thanks for writing it!

Thanks for reading it! ^_^

Next up: >>Posh

I can't say that I have much to add that my esteemed colleagues haven't already said. My fault for putting off reviews until tonight, I suppose.

I appreciate you commenting all the same.

I can say (broadly) that I found the emotions in here to be weighty, but that weight's thrown off by the theme of lost, fading love being... somewhat ill-conveyed. The first two paragraphs don't work as effectively to set up the conflict as they should.

I mentioned this in earlier responses, particularly to Not_A_Hat and Pascoite, but the opening paragraphs definitely suffered from the word limit. Just couldn't find anywhere else to cut stuff! As for the theme being ill-conveyed, well nothing works for everybody. Looking at the overall response, people's emotional reaction to this piece seems to vary quite a bit. Feel free to let me know if there was anything in particular that threw the weight off for you!

I'm also not sure I see anybody identifying Fluttershy as merciless or pitiless, and certainly not Fluttershy herself. I also don't see why she's either of those things. She seems to be letting Dashie down kindly.

You're not the first person to say this, so I'm just going to copy-paste what I said to Not_A_Hat:
"EDIT: forgot to address this, but you're not the only one to notice the Sweet and Sad lines might not have quite worked (as my own false review points out!). Specifically with "merciless" and "pitiless"--they're the same smile, from two different perspectives. Rainbow sees it and knows deep down that for all Fluttershy's kindness this conversation is going to hurt, while Fluttershy knows as she makes it that for all that she loves Rainbow she's going to have to be a bit ruthless in this conversation. Two sides of the same coin. And "weightless" is because the hard part is over at that point. Rainbow's stopped fighting the inertia of the end of their relationship, she's given in."

I personally think Fluttershy would absolutely consider what she does pitiless. She's stomping out a relationship that's been going on for years, and (I'm not sure how well this was conveyed but I hope it came across somewhat) doesn't actually feel bad about it.

Anyway, thanks for reviewing and reading!

Next: >>Comma Typer

So I think this is a peaceful divorce or at least some kind of amiable break-up going on between Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.

That is the main concept yes, although I was going for "burned out" as much as amiable.

What immediately catches my eye is how you use different paragraph alignments to your narrative advantage. And it also switches depending on the P.O.V. too, relying on the tendency for a lot of people to read from left to right with left being the P.O.V. character and right being someone else talking. That's a nice nuance you included!

Thank you! Quite a few of the other reviewers found this a bit confusing, so it's nice to hear it landed on target for you--I was pretty proud of it.

For the story itself: it shows a very realistic outcome for a Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash relationship if Dash got involved with her Wonderbolt dream. The logic behind it is quite sound with Fluttershy's assertions that it just woudln't work the way it is contrasted with Rainbow's desperation to keep the relationship going even if it'd be untenable. And it's all brushed away under the rug in an attempt to stay polite and not talk about something so sensitive. Emotionally speaking, you got this one alright!

YES! Exactly what I was going for. You basically spelled out my plot points for this story, meaning I must have done something right! And I'm glad it worked for you emotionally too! You can't see it, but I've got a big ol' grin on my face from reading all this.

Vividness of setting descriptions aside, it's also a nice depiction of Rainbow Dash at the end that'd also be realistic: a middle-aged(?) mare stressed out and probably facing a mid-life crisis before her. And smokes too (which does fit in well with the Smoke and Mirrors picture in a novel way). A way to try to de-stress after having to break-up; a reasonable outcome.

You seem to be in the minority about seeing Dash smoking as reasonable, but while I initially had my doubts about that bit; well, people change. It's not that surprising that Dash would, and she certainly wouldn't be the first athlete to take up a habit that's not super healthy.

And yeah, I was definitely imagining middle age. Did you read my brainstorming notes or something?

Overall, this is a gimmicky story in all the right ways and nicely depicts a relationship that just drifts apart. Good job to you!

Gimmicky in the right way is exactly what I wanted. This was a very nice comment, and I'm glad this story worked so well for you! Thanks for reading.

Last but definitely not least:>>WritingSpirit

I just want to make it known here before really diving deep into this that I have only positive things to say about this story.

:D

When it comes to stories having a gimmick, I tend to be really apprehensive and critical of them. There were some gimmick-utilizing stories in previous rounds that I absolutely blew up on without a care for what anyone else would think about me, mostly because the gimmick I find myself having to sieve through doesn't add anything to the overall idea of the story, or worse, turned it into such a clusterfuck that it infuriated me to have had my time wasted on when I could be doing more productive things.

This story's gimmick, however, works. Everyone pretty much stated all the little reasons why I think the gimmick works, but ultimately, what makes it work for me was that it was amplifying the story's message and not defining it. When I take away the gimmick and just realign their conversation to the general format, the story still works really well. Adding the gimmick in only helps with driving the underlying emotions through. I cannot stress this enough: the concept shouldn't be carrying the story, the story should, and it is because of that very reason that this entry is great.

I have a massive grin on my face, and it's all your fault. This is about as high praise as I could ask for.

Now, with that aside, the story proper.

Let's go!

The atmosphere here is hands down the best that this round has to offer. There's a lot happening in between the lines that it honestly is astonishing just how much more I'm discovering about Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy every time I came back to this, so props.

Atmosphere was pretty much my main goal for the prose, so "best that this round has to offer" is pretty satisfying. Means I did something right! Having the second sentence after you already said that is just trying to make me blush at this point. I'm glad you got as much as I was trying to put into this out of it (if that makes sense).

The changes of POV did take me a while for it to catch on. My best interpretation is that it alternates between the two, starting with Rainbow first. I do think that they blend together at times, but I believe it's not really an issue of the writing and more an issue of varying mileages for everyone, especially when I consider the hard scene breaks slapped in between.

You're right, it's RD-Flutters-RD-Flutters-RD. And that's definitely the nicest explanation I've seen for the confusion about POV so far! The hard scene breaks were meant to make it clearer though, yes.

I'm probably gonna be in the minority as I say this, but the issues that most of the other reviewers have had with the certain lines that both Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash have (the smiles being merciless and pitiless, the big fish in a small pond, etc.) does not apply to me. After all, this isn't the Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash that we know from the show. No, our two pegasi here are being redefined entirely from top to bottom, stemming from the context that their amorous relationship had recently ended badly. Really, really, badly. There's a lot of pain, angst, and anger, the well-hidden bitterness and resentment for each other woven beneath the gentle facade. Those sentences only further added context to that effect.

...I've been trying to explain this in pretty much every comment, and it turns out I could have just pointed everyone else to yours. This is EXACTLY what I was trying to write. People can be comfortable around each other and still hide a lot of old wounds underneath.

I think if there's one minor gripe I do have about that, it's that I think what ultimately was the dealbreaker of their relationship needs to be something more grave and serious to justify them acting this way. From what I could tell, their relationship ended because of RD's wavering commitments between Fluttershy and the academy, though I came away from this story thinking that's really only one reason out of many. Perhaps if there's more clarity on why Rainbow Dash pursuing her Wonderbolt endeavors tore her relationship with Fluttershy apart, it may inadvertently solve the issue with characterization the other reviewers seem to be having.

This is definitely something I'll be coming back to when I rework this. You're right, it's supposed to be one reason of many--really, it's supposed to be a minor and superficial reason, something Rainbow is throwing out as part of her last minute appeal, not one of the many (unspoken) actual fissures in their relationship. But I may try and expand on that--I have a pretty clear general picture of how they fell apart in my head, so expanding on some of that may be possible? I just kind of worry that digging up some pretty ugly resentments (and the corresponding nasty argument that the characters demand will ensue) will very much ruin the tone of the piece. Maybe as flashbacks? I'll work on it!

With how delicate yet confrontational this story handled its narrative and concept hand in hand, this entry ultimately skyrocketed to the top of the list for me. I really have no idea how you might further expand this to be able to publish this but with what I've already had on my plate, I'm sure you'll figure something out. Until then, I'll be looking forward to reading this.

Thanks for writing, and good luck!

This is the kind of praise an author writes for. What a way to finish off my responses! Thank you.

As a closing statement:

This was a lot of fun to write, and got a far bigger and better reception than I was expecting. I'm glad so many of you enjoyed it, and that even those of you who had some issues took the time to point them out (and mostly appeared to enjoy it anyway!).

For those of you who are interested, the song that (with Smoke And Mirrors) allowed this story to spring forth fully formed. Title from the lyrics!

~Time for the final bout...~

So...

This story really didn't go where it was supposed to.

Unlike In Your Quietest Voice, I didn't really know what I was going for here? I had a concept (one that I don't think I really achieved) but no real idea of how I was going to realise it. I just kind of sat down and wrote.

But I'm not too unhappy with the result. It's far from my best work, but my overall impression is that people at least thought it was 'solid', which I'll happily take for what it was. And while I was intending for a more melancholic story about memory (good and bad) and how time changes how you view the people and places of your past, I think this alicorn-angst-that-isn't still hovers in the same thematic area, even if it doesn't quite land in the right place.

It also ended up being something of a goodbye to the series for me? Not the fandom, but G4 is slowly but surely coming to and end, and it's been a big part of my life for a good few years, and a HUGE part of me slowly becoming a writer. I'll miss it, but it's had a good run, and there's a lot of good things to remember.

I'm not going to do the one-by-one and line-by-line response I did for In Your Quietest Voice, so this'll all just be one big comment. In that vein, I'll say it here: I fucked up with the Britishisms. Twilight is very much speaking in my voice not hers, and my only defense is that it was about 3AM and I was a bit drunk. I wish I could say I'm sorry, but I find myself kind of enjoying the effect? It's ridiculous, but amusingly so (to me at least).

>>Pascoite
I definitely struggled a lot with finding some way to make this unique or stand out in any way from alicorn Twilight angst fics numbers 1 through 15 million. I didn't really think I'd succeeded, and evidently you agree. I'm still happy I got in two entries though, I've been trying to do that since the first time I entered, so overall this project was a success for me even if the story ended up flopping a bit.

>>Bachiavellian

The prose here is really clean. You strike a great balance between keeping it easy to digest while still keeping it descriptive enough to effectively build the mood. Solid text-level execution is something that has a deceptively big impact on how a piece can come across to the reader, so I wanted to highlight it as a big plus for me.

Thanks! This is great to hear, I'm always trying to improve my prose and not just my story-telling.

And I freely admit all those words are just me putting my own words into Twilight's mouth. My bad...? Surprised to hear fob is such a rare word though, it's something I've heard relatively often here in Brexitland.

I like Princess-immortality-related stuff (just look at my submission history), so I had a good time with the idea. It's a little straightforward, but in minifics I often have more trouble with fics that try to overshoot what they can do with 750 words than fics that feel overly cozy.

I think this is why I'm more happy with this than I'd expect to be. I realised as I was writing I wasn't going to achieve the grand piece I wanted to, and instead just went for what I could. And I thinked it worked out okay.

>>Posh

I have no problem with a good cliche, so long as it's used effectively. I think you... sort of do? There's angst in here, but it's unusually optimistic angst. Does that make sense? Twilight's clearly burdened by the deaths of so many friends, but she's also very well-adjusted, and just seems to treat it as a fact of life, of her role in Equestrian society. I approve of that. This story acknowledges the burdens that comes with alicorn longevity, without letting the protagonist become self-indulgent over those burdens.

This is why I'm reasonably pleased with how this story turned out. Everything you mentioned above it is why I'm not actually happy with it. If I do end up trying to rework this it'll definitely be a ground-up rewrite, and I'll keep in mind your suggestion about making the time period a bit clearer.

...also, there are at least two cloud cities in MLP. Las Pegasus and Cloudsdale. you ffffffffffffake pony fan.

...
I genuinely totally forgot about Las Pegasus. Oh god I am a fake pony fan O_o

>>WritingSpirit
Going to go a bit line-by-line for this one.

I admire the fact that this story feels like the work of someone sticking true to their guns instead of overreaching their bases. It may not be impressive in the greater scheme of things, but I much prefer this over the usual hodgepodge of stories trying (and mostly stumbling) to prove a grandiose point of sorts, so props.

Thanks! You've highlighted part of why I'm content, if not happy, with what I ended up with here. I realised I was overreaching conceptually, set my sights a little lower and ended up making something that feels solid, if not anything great.

Overall, the prose is simple and clean. but rather fine-tuned as well— the first sentence alone is tantamount to how well-constructed the story is in general. There are a few hiccups about that did nudge the pacing a little, though nothing too serious that I stumbled with it halfway through. The tone is also forgivingly bright, especially when I consider the general sequence of events leading up this. It's nice, honestly. To me, it shifts the focus less on death and grieving to more on the general impermanence of life.

As I said earlier, I was initially trying to write a story not about death and grieving but about memory. I think that affected how this came out a lot. And I'm definitely a lot happier with the brighter tone than I would have been with "oh no, all my friends are dead, I am so sad". And if I managed to make you think about the "general impermanence of life" then quite frankly mission accomplished!

Also, I was really pleased with that first sentence, so I'm super happy you liked it so much. ^_^

You're right that the chat with the sisters ended up being a bit abrupt from lack of time, and gloomier than the rest of it. I think, in restrospect, that I should have just had Twilight asking them what they were up to and where they were in the same kind of way people typically write postcards, and ditched the "I'm giving up my crown!" bit.

I kinda like this one on my first read, but I find my experience with this story improving on subsequent re-reads. It may have a rather standard plot and it may not possess any immediate conflict that might warrant my attention, but it gave me a few cozy minutes away from the hectic miscellany of everyday life despite its subject matter. If you'd ask me, that's honestly all this story ever needed to do.

For what this is, this is the highest praise you could offer. That's two for two on comments from you for this round!

Twilight does have the right idea of not simply giving up the throne though. Strong and stable government and all that.

This gave me a sudden image of Twilight with Theresa May's face. I now have tea in my sinuses.

>>Rao
This is such a cool idea and I wish I could claim credit for being that smart. But no, it was just me getting a little too into the dialogue writing.

But yeah, I'm retroactively declaring this 100% canon. Because it's awesome.

As for Cadance and Flurry? Well Flurry is busy trying to figure out how the heck to run an Empire/city-state, whilst sending panicked letters to her Aunt Twilight asking for help (who suddenly has a much better understanding of Celestia's schadenfreude). Cadance buggered off to somewhere else much like Celestia and Luna. She's definitely not the source of those rumours about an isolated tribe finding their fertility goddess and becoming her harem, no sirree.

...Man, I should have included these two in the fic.

>>Miller Minus
Pretty much spot on. As always. Don't have much else to say as I don't think I'm rewriting this, but if I were, I'd be coming back to this comment.

>>Miller Minus
YEA BOIIII *ahem* Yeah I was pretty proud of that one!

>>Caliaponia
The sixth statue is totally Starlight/Sunset/Spike?/Shining Armour/Somone beginning with S and absolutely definitely not a mistake I made like an idiot.

Definitely.

ANYWAY, thanks for reading and for your comment! I'm glad you liked it even with its issues.

>>Comma Typer
I'm actually astounded you've managed to avoid the absolute deluge of immortal/long-lived Twilight stories that exist throughout the fandom but particularly on fimfic. Well done, I guess? And it should definitely help your reading experience if you can scrounge out some of the good ones!

And yes, you're right! Just because she's relatively cheerful, doesn't change that Twilight is in fact talking to statues. And while I hadn't personally thought of that take on the original prompt, it fits quite well.


Again, thank you all for reading and reviewing. Both are very much appreciated.

>>Meridian_Prime
Okay, the more I get about your intent in writing this, the more I can close in on what my disconnect was with it. (And to be fair, there's no reason you have to address that unless you think my disconnect will carry over to numerous readers.)

You have a story about a breakup, and the story supplies two reasons for that. I can get that there might be other, bigger reasons, but the story doesn't suggest that. I also get that the big reasons may be so routine by now that they don't exactly enter the characters' thoughts, but then how's the reader supposed to know? (I wasn't the only reviewer to question why smoking was a big enough deal to end a long-term relationship.) So when I see breakup + two reasons why, my mind immediately jumps to these being the only reasons, or at least the chief ones. But you don't want them to be. This is a very fine needle to thread.

The most direct ways to make it clear the reasons you cite aren't the reasons are to say that or to just not give any reasons.

For me, not giving any reasons would drop the story back into being vague. And vague is never good. If you just have a story about a breakup, and the narrator assures me there are reasons, just trust him on this one, then it's hard to make me care much.

But why not hint that there are others? This is just a blunt example, but at what point the hours and the smoking get mentioned, if Fluttershy narrates that wasn't even the half of it, then I know there are bigger fish to fry, even though I don't know what they are. And for the story's purposes, it's not really important I know what they are, but I do think it's important to know they exist, or else I fall back into wondering why those two were such a big deal. Just a suggestion, and it only takes a partial sentence to do.

Additionally, I'll say I appreciate all the reviews you did, and it's especially nice to have someone give detailed responses like this. Even a simple one is nice to get. Since you did all those reviews, you know what it's like. It takes a fair amount of time to read a story, think about it, and compile your thoughts, and when reviewers get an up-thumb or a response, it justifies the effort that went into it. Even if the author completely disagrees with you, at least they read the review and thought about it. Take the last She-Ra event as an example of the opposite. Hardly any reviews got up-thumbed, and of the 6 authors, only one ever bothered to post a response. Reviewing isn't fun. It's work done to try offering the author some help, but if I can't tell the authors are even reading them, then I have little motivation to do them the next time.

>>Pascoite
...Wow. What fantastically helpful advice. You've really nailed what the disconnect was I think, and I don't believe I would have picked up on it without your insight. I'll beg forgiveness in this version by once again pointing at the word limit, but you can bet I'll be adding in hints to the deeper issues in the revised version. Thank you.

Speaking of:

Additionally, I'll say I appreciate all the reviews you did, and it's especially nice to have someone give detailed responses like this. Even a simple one is nice to get. Since you did all those reviews, you know what it's like. It takes a fair amount of time to read a story, think about it, and compile your thoughts, and when reviewers get an up-thumb or a response, it justifies the effort that went into it. Even if the author completely disagrees with you, at least they read the review and thought about it. Take the last She-Ra event as an example of the opposite. Hardly any reviews got up-thumbed, and of the 6 authors, only one ever bothered to post a response. Reviewing isn't fun. It's work done to try offering the author some help, but if I can't tell the authors are even reading them, then I have little motivation to do them the next time.

I spent years on fimfic as solely a reader and commenter, and even then it sometimes baffled me how few people would make constructive comments on stuff. Even if it's just "I like how you wrote [x] character", it always helps! Now I'm a writer, I feel all the more strongly about it. Your thoughts mirror mine pretty closely; people who put time and effort into a review (especially critical ones) deserve that thumbs up and a response, because they're actively helping me improve my craft. So thanks again for all the help, and hopefully I'll inspire a couple more people on writeoff to respond a bit more in depth!

Thanks to a reminder from Miller Minus, this round's folder is now created over at FIMFic, so you can add it if you expand it to 1000 words and publish there.

As usual, if you don't have permission to add your stories to the folder, poke me here or at FIMFic or wherever you can find me — to prevent spam, it's locked to "Contributor" status, which is given out to all authors who have participated in at least one Writeoff.