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Emotional Support Being
This morning, Tempest Shadow had two reasons to live:
She had to replay Twilight Sparkle’s forgiveness.
She had to make sure she put Equestria in a better state than she and the Storm King had left it.
Two reasons weren’t very many. When she was done with them, Tempest figured that she could just stop living. But for now, two reasons were enough.
So Tempest got out of her bed. Because today was another chance to take a reason off her list.
The knock on her door while she ate breakfast was unexpected. The pony at her door, even more so.
“Hello, Fluttershy,” said Tempest when she opened the door and recognized her visitor.
“Hi, Fizzlepop.” A smile stretched from cheek to cheek, punctuated by dimples on each side. “Sorry for bothering, but if you haven’t heard, Applejack’s dog, Winonna, had the cutest little litter of puppies a couple of months back, and they’re going to be big enough to leave their momma soon.”
Tempest wasn’t sure if this was a normal thing for ponies to knock on their neighbors doors about. So she tried to put on a smile and said, “Yes?”
Fluttershy blushed a little. Apparently, Tempest’s fake-smile needed work.
“I-I was just wondering…” said the pegasus, rosy-cheeked and eared but still smiling, “a-and I’m asking all my other friends who don’t have animal friends yet, of course… but do you think you’d be able to take one of the puppies?”
Fluttershy was a pretty mare, and the way she looked up at Tempest with sincere eyes knotted up Tempest’s chest and made her speak before she knew what she was saying.
“Sure. I’d love to.”
In a surprisingly short amount of time, a little brown fuzzball was sitting in the middle of Tempest’s living room, looking up at her with a tilted head.
Fluttershy had said it was a male, and that its breed made good guard-dogs. So she decided to give it the scariest name she could think of.
She took the only bowl she owned—the same one she ate cereal out of every morning—and piled it high with stinking dog food. She pushed it in front of the puppy.
“Chow time, Ursa. Ten minutes.”
Tempest sat and watched as Ursa ate only about a third of the food, before spending the remaining minutes wagging his tail and rolling head-over-paws on top of Tempest’s rug.
Tempest poured the rest of the bowl back into the tarp bag of doggy food that Fluttershy had left. Maybe puppies didn’t eat that much; Tempest had no idea.
… She should ask Fluttershy for advice.
The thought was a fun one, and it made her heart skip.
Then, Ursa threw up on Tempest’s rug.
The next morning, as a wet tongue assaulted every nook and scar on Tempest’s face, she had three reasons to live.
She had to repay Twilight.
She had to better Equestria.
And she had to take this goofy thing on a walk, before it made a mess in her kitchen again.
“I’d be happy to see how Ursa’s doing!” said Fluttershy.
Her smile was soft, and her voice was genuine. The opposite in every way to how the Storm King and his minions had spoken to Tempest.
She wore a big, white sunhat to shield her from the afternoon sun and—Tempest suspected—from the hustle and bustle of the marketplace crowds. For some reason, Tempest felt strangely jealous of the hat.
“Alright,” said Tempest. “Be at my place, tomorrow night at seven? I can fix dinner.”
Tempest didn’t know why she said that. She had no idea how to cook.
“Then, it’s a date!” Fluttershy said, with just enough nervous warble in her voice that both of them knew it wasn’t entirely a joke.
Tempest’s heart was leaping and laughing within her chest, as she struggled to imagine a comprehensible series of words to speak.
“Okay. I’m—um...—looking forward to it,” she managed to choke out.
“Me too!” said Fluttershy, waving goodbye with the tip of a delicate wing as she turned back into the market.
Tempest had four reasons to live.
She had to give back to Twilight what the princess had generously given to her.
She had to make sure Equestria was bettered by her time in it.
She had to train Ursa to be the best damn watchdog there ever was.
… And she had to ask somepony for help with putting together a dinner from scratch on short notice.
She had to replay Twilight Sparkle’s forgiveness.
She had to make sure she put Equestria in a better state than she and the Storm King had left it.
Two reasons weren’t very many. When she was done with them, Tempest figured that she could just stop living. But for now, two reasons were enough.
So Tempest got out of her bed. Because today was another chance to take a reason off her list.
The knock on her door while she ate breakfast was unexpected. The pony at her door, even more so.
“Hello, Fluttershy,” said Tempest when she opened the door and recognized her visitor.
“Hi, Fizzlepop.” A smile stretched from cheek to cheek, punctuated by dimples on each side. “Sorry for bothering, but if you haven’t heard, Applejack’s dog, Winonna, had the cutest little litter of puppies a couple of months back, and they’re going to be big enough to leave their momma soon.”
Tempest wasn’t sure if this was a normal thing for ponies to knock on their neighbors doors about. So she tried to put on a smile and said, “Yes?”
Fluttershy blushed a little. Apparently, Tempest’s fake-smile needed work.
“I-I was just wondering…” said the pegasus, rosy-cheeked and eared but still smiling, “a-and I’m asking all my other friends who don’t have animal friends yet, of course… but do you think you’d be able to take one of the puppies?”
Fluttershy was a pretty mare, and the way she looked up at Tempest with sincere eyes knotted up Tempest’s chest and made her speak before she knew what she was saying.
“Sure. I’d love to.”
In a surprisingly short amount of time, a little brown fuzzball was sitting in the middle of Tempest’s living room, looking up at her with a tilted head.
Fluttershy had said it was a male, and that its breed made good guard-dogs. So she decided to give it the scariest name she could think of.
She took the only bowl she owned—the same one she ate cereal out of every morning—and piled it high with stinking dog food. She pushed it in front of the puppy.
“Chow time, Ursa. Ten minutes.”
Tempest sat and watched as Ursa ate only about a third of the food, before spending the remaining minutes wagging his tail and rolling head-over-paws on top of Tempest’s rug.
Tempest poured the rest of the bowl back into the tarp bag of doggy food that Fluttershy had left. Maybe puppies didn’t eat that much; Tempest had no idea.
… She should ask Fluttershy for advice.
The thought was a fun one, and it made her heart skip.
Then, Ursa threw up on Tempest’s rug.
The next morning, as a wet tongue assaulted every nook and scar on Tempest’s face, she had three reasons to live.
She had to repay Twilight.
She had to better Equestria.
And she had to take this goofy thing on a walk, before it made a mess in her kitchen again.
“I’d be happy to see how Ursa’s doing!” said Fluttershy.
Her smile was soft, and her voice was genuine. The opposite in every way to how the Storm King and his minions had spoken to Tempest.
She wore a big, white sunhat to shield her from the afternoon sun and—Tempest suspected—from the hustle and bustle of the marketplace crowds. For some reason, Tempest felt strangely jealous of the hat.
“Alright,” said Tempest. “Be at my place, tomorrow night at seven? I can fix dinner.”
Tempest didn’t know why she said that. She had no idea how to cook.
“Then, it’s a date!” Fluttershy said, with just enough nervous warble in her voice that both of them knew it wasn’t entirely a joke.
Tempest’s heart was leaping and laughing within her chest, as she struggled to imagine a comprehensible series of words to speak.
“Okay. I’m—um...—looking forward to it,” she managed to choke out.
“Me too!” said Fluttershy, waving goodbye with the tip of a delicate wing as she turned back into the market.
Tempest had four reasons to live.
She had to give back to Twilight what the princess had generously given to her.
She had to make sure Equestria was bettered by her time in it.
She had to train Ursa to be the best damn watchdog there ever was.
… And she had to ask somepony for help with putting together a dinner from scratch on short notice.
Pics
Eyyy, it's short and cute. I liked the incremental asides, that sort of thing is a quick way to break up stuff and add some impact.
I smiled. Thanks for writing!
I smiled. Thanks for writing!
Author informed me “, or even half of it” was supposed to be a related pic, and not “Whose Who?”. I've updated it accordingly.
There are some editing misses, but the one that bugged me the most was this: ...—
Don't put those together. They mean opposite things.
This was cute, and I like the way Tempest keeps building on her reasons to live. Plus her general cluelessness makes her a bit endearing. I had two overall problems with it.
One, I'd like to see her addressing those other reasons to live. We only see her hanging around her house. What's she actually doing to repay Twilight and make Equestria a better place? It's obviously important to her, so it's odd that you're skipping all that.
And two, this has shipping out of nowhere. Tempest and Fluttershy are immediately making goo-goo eyes at each other, and I have no idea why. I don't know what either one finds good relationship material about the other or what their basis for wanting to be together is. We're just told they've apparently got a crush on each other, but that only leaves it as a fact in my head, not something that was actually demonstrated.
Short and cute, and I like fluff shipping at times, but this needs more background.
Don't put those together. They mean opposite things.
This was cute, and I like the way Tempest keeps building on her reasons to live. Plus her general cluelessness makes her a bit endearing. I had two overall problems with it.
One, I'd like to see her addressing those other reasons to live. We only see her hanging around her house. What's she actually doing to repay Twilight and make Equestria a better place? It's obviously important to her, so it's odd that you're skipping all that.
And two, this has shipping out of nowhere. Tempest and Fluttershy are immediately making goo-goo eyes at each other, and I have no idea why. I don't know what either one finds good relationship material about the other or what their basis for wanting to be together is. We're just told they've apparently got a crush on each other, but that only leaves it as a fact in my head, not something that was actually demonstrated.
Short and cute, and I like fluff shipping at times, but this needs more background.
This has a breakneck pace and a disjointed structure, which doesn't serve the narrative or the character's development. It's cute, shippy fluff, but it's insubstantial, too. I like there to be something beneath the fluff, and this... this doesn't feel like there's anything deeper than just "two gay horses stammer at each other, also there's a puppy."
It's not bad. It's just. It's not much more than "not bad," I'm sorry.
EDIT: And I'm sorry, but you can't open with Tempest Shadow literally contemplating suicide and just not deal with that at all. That's symptomatic of the problem this story has. It's insubstantial. It teases substance, before yanking it away.
It's not bad. It's just. It's not much more than "not bad," I'm sorry.
EDIT: And I'm sorry, but you can't open with Tempest Shadow literally contemplating suicide and just not deal with that at all. That's symptomatic of the problem this story has. It's insubstantial. It teases substance, before yanking it away.
had to replay Twilight
It's a minor typo, but it really jumped out at me for some reason. Although 'replaying Twilight's forgiveness' could have led to a very different kind of fic. Hard Reset 3: Reset Harder, anyone?
Anyway, I liked this quite a lot. While >>Posh isn't wrong about the breakneck pace and disjointed structure, I felt like these were more reflections of Tempest's own emotional repression. She's not very good with words, or with people (is the impression I'm given, I have to confess to not watching the movie yet so I may be entirely wrong). And while I think it was done a little hamfistedly, the "reasons to live" bits actually reminded me a little of my own experiences with depression; not so much suicidal thoughts as 'do I have any reason to get out of this bed?' and just kind of staying there in a grey cloud if I couldn't find any. And how much effort those few reasons can take on bad days.
So yeah. A bit rough around the edges, but still good. And while the fluff is kind of generic cute, I think the way you wrote Tempest actually has some real promise to it.
Solid overall structure, what with the number of reasons counting up.
The individual characterization felt solid, with nice little asides and moments that both built atmosphere and showcased personalities, such as the unrealistic expectations of Ursa's eating. Also, Ursa. A dog named bear; not at all unrealistic as far as pet names, but amusing.
The relationship was pleasant, though it would have benefited from having more word count to develop over.
Also ' this morning ... had' tense feels wonky, especially as the narrative progresses past the original 'this' morning point. A tense change or consider rephrasing to something like 'Tempest woke up with two reasons to live'
Some places where you the story both showed and told; for example "the though was a fun on,e and it made her heart skip" - granted fun is not the same as attraction, but it still might have been better with just the heart skip.
I wasn't sure how to apply the emphasis from the italics in the last line
The individual characterization felt solid, with nice little asides and moments that both built atmosphere and showcased personalities, such as the unrealistic expectations of Ursa's eating. Also, Ursa. A dog named bear; not at all unrealistic as far as pet names, but amusing.
The relationship was pleasant, though it would have benefited from having more word count to develop over.
Also ' this morning ... had' tense feels wonky, especially as the narrative progresses past the original 'this' morning point. A tense change or consider rephrasing to something like 'Tempest woke up with two reasons to live'
Some places where you the story both showed and told; for example "the though was a fun on,e and it made her heart skip" - granted fun is not the same as attraction, but it still might have been better with just the heart skip.
I wasn't sure how to apply the emphasis from the italics in the last line
I really dig the idea of reverse John Wicking Tempest Shadow. Conceptually, it's novel and fundamentally funny. The crushes do indeed come out of nowhere, which I can let slide for the sake of word count and Flutters having a history of getting under reformed villains' skins pretty quickly. But, Posh was super right about sandbagging Tempest's completely calm and cavalier attitude toward her eventual suicide/generic cessation of life activity. Tempest was a soldier, so addressing death in a matter-of-fact manner isn't outlandish, but she's a little too... this guy as-is.
I'm in the positive camp about the quick, punchy scenes, though. Feels a bit like watching Tempest's head bob in an out of a cloud of actually living, and I could see further chapters getting steadily longer as she starts living more fully.
I'm in the positive camp about the quick, punchy scenes, though. Feels a bit like watching Tempest's head bob in an out of a cloud of actually living, and I could see further chapters getting steadily longer as she starts living more fully.
Forgive me; I'm stuck on mobile, so my last few reviews are going to have to be concise.
This one's got some cute character work done on all three of our quadrapeds, but it ends up feeling unsubstantial by the end of things.
I'm often not a fan of chopping up a minific into several ultra-mini scenes, and this piece shows off some of the costs associated with doing so. The first scene in particular feels isolated from the others in tone and content; our other reviewers point out the whiplash. I think the ultra rapid fire scenes also contribute to the romance coming a bit out of left field.
So overall, the piece has trouble building on its primary stakes, before it can execute on them. The result feels mostly inoffensive, but it does leave readers craving more, in a bad way.
This one's got some cute character work done on all three of our quadrapeds, but it ends up feeling unsubstantial by the end of things.
I'm often not a fan of chopping up a minific into several ultra-mini scenes, and this piece shows off some of the costs associated with doing so. The first scene in particular feels isolated from the others in tone and content; our other reviewers point out the whiplash. I think the ultra rapid fire scenes also contribute to the romance coming a bit out of left field.
So overall, the piece has trouble building on its primary stakes, before it can execute on them. The result feels mostly inoffensive, but it does leave readers craving more, in a bad way.
Given the title and the first section of the fic, I guess I should've had a feeling that this was going to be an uplifting story. And, well, it is an uplifting story that does the job pretty well. You keep the scenes short and sweet, and the descriptions and Tempest's thoughts are concise without being too skeletal or lacking in literary meat.
What I also find great here is the slow loss of desperation shown throughout the fic, and it's best shown (or punctuated) by the creeping addition of Tempest's reasons to live. By the end of it, the viewpoint of post-evil life being drudgery is gone and not even outright mentioned, and it's not in-your-face—it's subtle.
Overall, this is a good fic! Keep doing what you do!
What I also find great here is the slow loss of desperation shown throughout the fic, and it's best shown (or punctuated) by the creeping addition of Tempest's reasons to live. By the end of it, the viewpoint of post-evil life being drudgery is gone and not even outright mentioned, and it's not in-your-face—it's subtle.
Overall, this is a good fic! Keep doing what you do!
Late review incoming!
This is a rather nice story. Probably the most lighthearted out of the bunch. The interaction between Tempest and Fluttershy throughout the story is cute and comes across naturally, even if feels abrupt. I think if there's a possible way to hint that they both reserved some emotions for each other beyond blushing and flustering about, then perhaps it'll come across a lot more cleanly and smoothly enough to not warrant any further scrutiny.
The depiction of Tempest in the first scene does need some tweaking though. I don't think it's really the depiction itself but how it's depicted that really is the problem here. I don't think Tempest in this story was intended to seem suicidal. From what I'm getting, it's not that she doesn't want to live but more like she has nothing else to look forward to in life. There's definitely a stark difference between being tormented by suicidal thoughts and being plagued by ennui. The tone I'm getting from the story indicates you were aiming for the latter, however, in which case, I think perhaps you'll have to be more selective with the words so that it really shines through. I do realize it may affect the 'reasons to live' callback this story has going for it though, so do take my words with a grain of salt.
One little nitpick I do want to mention was how the relationship was progressing as the story went by. As nice as their interaction was, I couldn't help but feel that something is missing every time I've read it. It's only after my fourth read that I realize what bothering me was that this may not have been the most interesting part to start the story off on. I'm pretty sure there's a lot more that can be done if we're given a glimpse of their interaction somewhere further down the line instead of what we're given here. Not at a time that they've gotten together—if they ever get together—but before that. I think it would work to this story's favor to have a clearer idea of just how this mutual attraction would bloom beyond what we're given here.
All in all, I think this story did just enough to win me over. Will definitely like to see whether you're willing to take it a little further.
Thanks for writing!
This is a rather nice story. Probably the most lighthearted out of the bunch. The interaction between Tempest and Fluttershy throughout the story is cute and comes across naturally, even if feels abrupt. I think if there's a possible way to hint that they both reserved some emotions for each other beyond blushing and flustering about, then perhaps it'll come across a lot more cleanly and smoothly enough to not warrant any further scrutiny.
The depiction of Tempest in the first scene does need some tweaking though. I don't think it's really the depiction itself but how it's depicted that really is the problem here. I don't think Tempest in this story was intended to seem suicidal. From what I'm getting, it's not that she doesn't want to live but more like she has nothing else to look forward to in life. There's definitely a stark difference between being tormented by suicidal thoughts and being plagued by ennui. The tone I'm getting from the story indicates you were aiming for the latter, however, in which case, I think perhaps you'll have to be more selective with the words so that it really shines through. I do realize it may affect the 'reasons to live' callback this story has going for it though, so do take my words with a grain of salt.
One little nitpick I do want to mention was how the relationship was progressing as the story went by. As nice as their interaction was, I couldn't help but feel that something is missing every time I've read it. It's only after my fourth read that I realize what bothering me was that this may not have been the most interesting part to start the story off on. I'm pretty sure there's a lot more that can be done if we're given a glimpse of their interaction somewhere further down the line instead of what we're given here. Not at a time that they've gotten together—if they ever get together—but before that. I think it would work to this story's favor to have a clearer idea of just how this mutual attraction would bloom beyond what we're given here.
All in all, I think this story did just enough to win me over. Will definitely like to see whether you're willing to take it a little further.
Thanks for writing!
Hey, lookit that, I finally medaled with one of my Tempest minifics.
... Does this mean I'll stop writing them? Hell no.
Retrospective: Emotional Support Being
For real, thanks so much for the bronze, guys! And big congrats to Meri and Miller for their amazing stories as well!
To be honest, I never really expected this to do well, and I'm still a little bit confused that it did. The inspiration for writing about not-really-depression kind of came at the last minute when I was looking at ", or even half of it", and then "Smoke and Mirrors" made me want to write about Fluttershy too. And of course, predictably, my brain had a clinical need to make Tempest the glue that held both of these ideas together.
I wrote this entry without an outline, which is always a recipe for bad things. Predictably, people didn't like the things that I didn't like; the pacing, the rushed romance, etc. I'll have to note, though, that I actually wrote the first scene before I even came up with the idea of the puppy or the romance, so the mood of it is definitely different from the rest of the piece, and our esteemed reviewers did catch on that shift. Seriously, ya'll are the best readers, no joke.
>>Not_A_Hat
Happy you liked it! Thank you for leaving your thoughts!
>>RogerDodger
Thanks, and sorry for bothering you all round this event. :P
>>Pascoite
Yeah, I should have probably hyphenated instead of the em dash. Em dashes are an unhealthy habit of mine.
Yep, this would have probably made a much better Short Story entry than a minific. I was really writing on-the-fly for the most part, and I should have paid better attention to figuring out what I actually had the space to develop.
Thanks for your review!
>>Posh
Totally agree. I'd probably need another 5 or 6 thousand words to give all of these ideas justice.Thank you for your honest thoughts; I should know by now that I can't get away with being lazy with planning. Ya'll call me out on it every time.
>>Meridian_Prime
Thank you! I'm glad you liked Tempest's characterization. Because I will probably end up writing more with her—not by choice, but because my muse is an uncreative bitch with a fixation on Princesses, and I've tricked it into thinking that Tempest is one of them.
>>Caliaponia
Appreciate you leaving your thoughts! Yeah, I did not give this the editing pass it deserved, and all the points you brought up made me squirm. Thank you for pointing them out! As for the last-line emphasis, I kinda meant it to mean that Tempest was looking for anyone to help, rather than somepony in particular. Should have found a way to make that clearer...
>>Rao
"Reverse John Wicking" is my new favorite phrase. And yeah, this idea could have used a lot more room to grow. I'm only a bit flabbergasted that you liked the schizophrenically short scenes, but, hey, whatever works! Thanks for your review!
>>Comma Typer
Thank you very much for leaving your thoughts! I'm very glad that the story worked for you! You and I might have to argue on what "subtle" means (I personally think I was skillessly swinging a sledgehammer, here), but if you enjoyed the story, then I'm not going to complain too much!
>>WritingSpirit
Right, I definitely didn't want Tempest to come across as outright suicidal, so I appreciate you pointing out the difference between what I'm trying to convey, and what the reader might be getting on their end. The romance angle was probably an overshoot on my part, and it was tacked on relatively late in my non-existent planning process, so yeah, I get it when you say that it's abrupt and doesn't feel like it's well-positioned to pay off. Thank you very much for leaving your detailed thoughts!
Congrats again to our other medalists, and I'll see ya'll next time!
... Does this mean I'll stop writing them? Hell no.
Retrospective: Emotional Support Being
For real, thanks so much for the bronze, guys! And big congrats to Meri and Miller for their amazing stories as well!
To be honest, I never really expected this to do well, and I'm still a little bit confused that it did. The inspiration for writing about not-really-depression kind of came at the last minute when I was looking at ", or even half of it", and then "Smoke and Mirrors" made me want to write about Fluttershy too. And of course, predictably, my brain had a clinical need to make Tempest the glue that held both of these ideas together.
I wrote this entry without an outline, which is always a recipe for bad things. Predictably, people didn't like the things that I didn't like; the pacing, the rushed romance, etc. I'll have to note, though, that I actually wrote the first scene before I even came up with the idea of the puppy or the romance, so the mood of it is definitely different from the rest of the piece, and our esteemed reviewers did catch on that shift. Seriously, ya'll are the best readers, no joke.
>>Not_A_Hat
Happy you liked it! Thank you for leaving your thoughts!
>>RogerDodger
Thanks, and sorry for bothering you all round this event. :P
>>Pascoite
Yeah, I should have probably hyphenated instead of the em dash. Em dashes are an unhealthy habit of mine.
Yep, this would have probably made a much better Short Story entry than a minific. I was really writing on-the-fly for the most part, and I should have paid better attention to figuring out what I actually had the space to develop.
Thanks for your review!
>>Posh
Totally agree. I'd probably need another 5 or 6 thousand words to give all of these ideas justice.Thank you for your honest thoughts; I should know by now that I can't get away with being lazy with planning. Ya'll call me out on it every time.
>>Meridian_Prime
Thank you! I'm glad you liked Tempest's characterization. Because I will probably end up writing more with her—not by choice, but because my muse is an uncreative bitch with a fixation on Princesses, and I've tricked it into thinking that Tempest is one of them.
>>Caliaponia
Appreciate you leaving your thoughts! Yeah, I did not give this the editing pass it deserved, and all the points you brought up made me squirm. Thank you for pointing them out! As for the last-line emphasis, I kinda meant it to mean that Tempest was looking for anyone to help, rather than somepony in particular. Should have found a way to make that clearer...
>>Rao
"Reverse John Wicking" is my new favorite phrase. And yeah, this idea could have used a lot more room to grow. I'm only a bit flabbergasted that you liked the schizophrenically short scenes, but, hey, whatever works! Thanks for your review!
>>Comma Typer
Thank you very much for leaving your thoughts! I'm very glad that the story worked for you! You and I might have to argue on what "subtle" means (I personally think I was skillessly swinging a sledgehammer, here), but if you enjoyed the story, then I'm not going to complain too much!
>>WritingSpirit
Right, I definitely didn't want Tempest to come across as outright suicidal, so I appreciate you pointing out the difference between what I'm trying to convey, and what the reader might be getting on their end. The romance angle was probably an overshoot on my part, and it was tacked on relatively late in my non-existent planning process, so yeah, I get it when you say that it's abrupt and doesn't feel like it's well-positioned to pay off. Thank you very much for leaving your detailed thoughts!
Congrats again to our other medalists, and I'll see ya'll next time!