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I like to read pony fiction and am interested to write some of my own, but more importantly, I'm a Christian, believing in the Savior and Lord Jesus Christ.
Under New Management
Original Minific
Bob's Burgeria
Not the Whole Truth
FiM Minific
And That's When She Sees Us
#21685 · 1
· on Talk to Transponer
At first, I didn't exactly know what I was reading. I thought it was some kind of time skip to when Twilight activated Pinkie PAI, but then the oddities and other names showed up and I was wondering, "Is this a dream sequence?" It took reading the comments for me to realize that the middle part is made up of bot-written text, something I'd see from a Botnik run.

I guess the purpose of the story was to be humorous and to make a joke so at least it doesn't have the burden to be deep and very meaningful. However, whatever humor it had fell flat for me, before and after I realized the bot-written gimmick going on here. Still, though, it's not uncommon for a short fic to run with a gimmick and then say, "Hah, it's a joke!" or something like that (at least in Fimfiction, as far as I can tell).

Overall, this fic technically accomplished the job as a humorous piece. However, it feels quite cheap. Apart from that, I can't give any more specific feedback because it'd all be on the bot's fault and I don't know how to critique a writing bot.
#21719 · 1
· on In Your Quietest Voice · >>Meridian_Prime
So I think this is a peaceful divorce or at least some kind of amiable break-up going on between Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.

What immediately catches my eye is how you use different paragraph alignments to your narrative advantage. And it also switches depending on the P.O.V. too, relying on the tendency for a lot of people to read from left to right with left being the P.O.V. character and right being someone else talking. That's a nice nuance you included!

For the story itself: it shows a very realistic outcome for a Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash relationship if Dash got involved with her Wonderbolt dream. The logic behind it is quite sound with Fluttershy's assertions that it just woudln't work the way it is contrasted with Rainbow's desperation to keep the relationship going even if it'd be untenable. And it's all brushed away under the rug in an attempt to stay polite and not talk about something so sensitive. Emotionally speaking, you got this one alright!

Vividness of setting descriptions aside, it's also a nice depiction of Rainbow Dash at the end that'd also be realistic: a middle-aged(?) mare stressed out and probably facing a mid-life crisis before her. And smokes too (which does fit in well with the Smoke and Mirrors picture in a novel way). A way to try to de-stress after having to break-up; a reasonable outcome.

Overall, this is a gimmicky story in all the right ways and nicely depicts a relationship that just drifts apart. Good job to you!
#21720 · 1
· on The Changeling · >>Miller Minus
I thought the story would be about Smolder hoarding dresses or something like it given her guilty pleasures displayed in the show, but that also showed that I forgot the title altogether. And that's good!—because it made me wonder about what's going on so much that I forgot the obvious. Good case of misdirection here!

As for the actual reveal: it's even greater that you don't give us a definite answer; helps generate lots of discussion and thought about what Smolder may actually be and forces readers to think for themselves and take a stand on the issue. (Personally, I think she is a changeling only because it's the most straightforward conclusion given the title.) However, it also means that Smolder isn't that much different from Spike, at least whenever she started out this dragon thing: not knowing much about dragons, and being one of the odd ones out dragon-wise.

It's also great on second read, knowing that Smolder isn't "that much of a dragon" as everyone else thinks she is (case in point: Sandbar likening her to a dragon textbook, not knowing that Smolder is relying on dragon textbooks.) That this story takes on a fuller light on second read really fulfills the Not the Whole Truth prompt going on here.

Overall, this is a great story... um, overall! Don't stop what you're doing!
#21721 · 1
· on The Butterfly Effect · >>Caliaponia
I apologize if I didn't get much out of it because I'm not knowledgeable enough to understand or truly appreciate what's going on here. I only probably get the gist of what's going on here and that's after I checked a comment or two to figure it out... and I think it's about Discord but as a robot.

It does fit the prompt of Not the Whole Truth by depicting Discord as a robot and not as something organic. Gives off some Terminator vibes, actually. Wouldn't that be a fun twist if this was fleshed out to its full potential? Discord revealing that he's a robot all this time to Fluttershy and the rest of the Mane Six?

Overall, this is a well-written story even if I don't understand even half of what's going on. At least you're knowledgeable enough to make this very believable!
#22035 · 1
· on Club
“So… what is this?” Asked Steve “Fight Club but I’m self-aware?”

Yes, and you took the concept pretty well and quite realistically. Having both sides of Stef (and I'll call this unified human Stef just for convenience) agree to at least talk and negotiate their split-personality time slots compared to at least one side not being aware of it (as is in Fight Club) was not just fun but also enlightening to read. A more stable version of the movie, actually, that wouldn't end with the destruction of the world economy.

Your portrayal of Steve and Steph is pretty nice and consistent throughout, especially since the other is their foil. Sure, the dialogue could be spiced up by not having their names start off a lot of the sentences (because as I was beginning to wonder who was who halfway through), but your attention to detail regarding their expressions and visual reactions to each other makes them more whole.

The only thing that's dragging the story down is punctuation errors, especially with the dialogue tags. For example:

“And I gave you power, you abused it.” Stephen said as he copied his other half.

That should actually have a comma instead of a period at the end of the quoted sentence, like this:

“And I gave you power, you abused it,” Stephen said as he copied his other half.

The reason why I'm spelling it out here is because this error is consistent throughout the whole fic. It's nice that the rule doesn't apply to sentences that end with an exclamation or question mark, but those aren't as common as the ordinary replace-period-with-a-comma ones.

Overall, you've done a good twist on the Fight Club-esque split personalities! Just needs polishing up on the dialogue tags and this could be a stronger contender.
#22069 · 1
· on Cicadas All the Way Down · >>Anon Y Mous
One glaring thing about this is that the first sentence, about cicadas being immortal, isn't brought up that much in the end. While this is a first-person story and there is the implied meaning that cicadas technically live forever by feeding off the years of dead people, there's no satisfying ending (or at least follow-up) in regards to cicadas being immortal. Maybe something like perhaps seeing no dead cicadas on the ground in the last few paragraphs or something like that would help bring some closure to that.

And while much of this story's charm is in how mysterious and ambiguous some of it is, I feel that there's still not enough literary nudges given for what kind of young life the protagonist was looking forward to. Sure, we know it's to turn back into a baby, but then it doesn't really say it's reincarnation—and then that has implications for the whole world if the cicada thing is true, that, perhaps, everyone else reincarnates like that. But maybe I'm just looking too much into that.

Other than that, you've done a really good mood piece over here, with one's acceptance of death in the form of cicadas welcoming him and taking his years, topped with the promise of youth once more. The first sentence, despite the lack of follow-up later on, is a great hook, and the memories were mentioned just enough to be, well, memory-like—not too long, not too short, and certainly giving the present-day ending enough words to fulfill itself.

Overall, this is a well-done somber piece about cicadas, death acceptance, and possible reincarnation all rolled into one! Nicely done.
#22070 · 1
· on Lifestyle Gadgets
The moment this happened...

Rosie’s face disappeared, giggling. Brad loved that sound. It was perfectly charged and almost weightless, like electricity. “I’m obligated to keep you alive,” he heard her say. “C’mon. Let’s eat.”

... I kinda' knew Rosie was actually a robot or at least an android. Fits the title of the piece horrifyingly well: that, ultimately, she's just a lifestyle gadget, made to make Brad's life easier. Or brainwashed/augmented to make Brad's life easier? Not sure.

Anyway, aside from that... I don't have much else to say about the story. It's great, but not super great. The descriptions and worldbuilding is on-point, but not much else. I could say that Brad was well-done and Rosie was too because of the succinct amount of inner looks to their mentalities and so on, but the ending or theme that it all reovlves around was something I saw from a mile away, so perhaps the impact was a bit dulled for me.

Overall, despite being foreshadowed a tad too much, this was a brilliant and dystopian take on having human robots and androids just treated as lifestyle gadgets in society. Quite insightful and impactful!
#21686 ·
· on The Mære
I confess that I occasionally have sleep paralysis (or at least I used to, but I'm not so sure if it will strike again), so it didn't take long for me to get what Apple Bloom was experiencing.

The writing hit the perfect balance of being tight and descriptive. In such a situation, there'd be tons of fear and other sorts of overwhelming emotional stimuli to cover, not to mention also having to describe whatever other stuff you'd have to see. And you managed to accomplish all of this with just the right pacing.

In fact, even though I had hints that this was sleep paralysis, you also managed to drag the nightmare sequence long enough for me to doubt if it was normal sleep paralysis and if it was, instead, some kind of nightmare imposter/changeling thing trying to take over Apple Bloom. So when Apple Bloom finally woke up, I was massively relieved. Needless to say, you're quite adept with inducing an emotional response!

Overall, this is great! Keep up the good work.
#21687 ·
· on Yes, Twilight, There is a Celestia
The premise of this is... crazy, to say the least. Kind of Truman Show-esque with how extensive and deep the cover would be for Twilight's parents and Luna to keep her convinced all this time that Celestia was a real pony.

However, how it was handled was quite barebones. Celestia was so intertwined into Twilight's life that I find it hard to believe that it'd all be over without that much visible damage or reaction. Perhaps that's for after the story (hence the final paragraph), but the story still doesn't convey something that's world-breaking for Twilight.

Overall, it's fun but not as realistic as it should be (at least concerning Twilight's reactions).
#21688 ·
· on And That's When She Sees Us
It's not that uncommon to consider 4th-wall breaking meta and having Pinkie added to the mix. In fact, the premise seems to have good intentions: Twilight goes crazy after discovering that her reality isn't "real" and then dragging Celestia along to the truth.

So it's a shame that much of the impact this story could've had is in the letter instead of something, well, more active like Celestia talking it out with Twilight in the void. The reveal and reaction would've been much better if they were less on the letter and more in the scenes themselves.

This over-reliance on the letter also shows with how much you seek to set things up in the letter. Much of it is focused on the letter (note how it's mentioned in all three sections, even the last one) when some of that focus could've been lent to the actual revelation in it. (Also, if Twilight thought that she had extremely sensitive and dangerous information in her hooves, then dumping it all in a letter isn't the best idea; something like an invitation to know the truth and then the portal appearing would've been better).

Overall, it's a fic that tries to uniquely tread on some old grounds but it falls short.