Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
I like to read pony fiction and am interested to write some of my own, but more importantly, I'm a Christian, believing in the Savior and Lord Jesus Christ.
For one, it's quite abstract. While describing things like the setting and what not is at least somewhat risky in a minific, you described too little for that. The only thing I'm imagining here in terms of setting is a generic grayscale city. Then again, maybe that's the point or perhaps a ploy to buy yourself more dialogue words to use.
Another downer here is Lefty (which is an endearing nickname for the left-aligned voice, in contrast to Middy and Righty). Middy and Righty are characterized well from beginning to end: Middy is somewhat paranoid and spiteful, but then they end up satisfied by not controlling so much and taking peace in that; Righty is the optimistic fun one who manages to get more control and is looking forward to all the fun stuff she has planned.
But Lefty? His last line threw me off. Throughout most of the story, he's depicted as the guy who wants control but also has some kind of problem (I'm assuming it's self-control, judging by Righty's words). Righty even says that she'll watch out for him, so it's prbobaly going to be a lengthy process of Lefty improving as a character. However, the last line makes it so that it's as if everything's just fine with him and he's fully self-controlled now, which seems like a great leap of logic. However, it can be amended easily if the line went something like, "I'll be better in controlling myself" or something like that.
Other than that, it's clear the driver of this story is the dialogue, and you've hit it out of the ballpark with it! I can easily tell who's who not just because of alignment but also because of how distinctly different the voices are, especially since you're dealing with three of them all taking at the same time. The pause at the middle with the manhole also makes for a nice break between the dialogue, giving readers some breathing room before continuing on.
Overall, while it does have some edges to rub off, this is a fine and dandy story about split-personalities (literal or metaphorical)! Nicely done!
Another downer here is Lefty (which is an endearing nickname for the left-aligned voice, in contrast to Middy and Righty). Middy and Righty are characterized well from beginning to end: Middy is somewhat paranoid and spiteful, but then they end up satisfied by not controlling so much and taking peace in that; Righty is the optimistic fun one who manages to get more control and is looking forward to all the fun stuff she has planned.
But Lefty? His last line threw me off. Throughout most of the story, he's depicted as the guy who wants control but also has some kind of problem (I'm assuming it's self-control, judging by Righty's words). Righty even says that she'll watch out for him, so it's prbobaly going to be a lengthy process of Lefty improving as a character. However, the last line makes it so that it's as if everything's just fine with him and he's fully self-controlled now, which seems like a great leap of logic. However, it can be amended easily if the line went something like, "I'll be better in controlling myself" or something like that.
Other than that, it's clear the driver of this story is the dialogue, and you've hit it out of the ballpark with it! I can easily tell who's who not just because of alignment but also because of how distinctly different the voices are, especially since you're dealing with three of them all taking at the same time. The pause at the middle with the manhole also makes for a nice break between the dialogue, giving readers some breathing room before continuing on.
Overall, while it does have some edges to rub off, this is a fine and dandy story about split-personalities (literal or metaphorical)! Nicely done!
The werewolf transformation came out of nowhere, and at first, perhaps it would've been a good twist. But then, the twist doesn't seem have to a strong connection to the rest of the story. Judging from most of the story to this point, the theme would be around the struggle of accepting change, what with mentions of closed-up shops and fandoms whose shows are either done or about to be done. Maybe you mean that, since Jim loves a werewolf who (I think) changes often (not to mention this probably being why he says, "Wuffums? Some changes are my favorite things in the whole wide world."), then his struggling to accept the changing restaurant and My Little Pony ending wouldn't seem to mesh well with his acceptance of a woman who changes a lot day and night.
However, that meaning didn't come out to me in the first reading, and that's going to be problematic if the theme/message you want to convey throughout the whole story (and not just one part of it) doesn't strike out to the reader. At this point, it would've been better if it ended right after the Wuffums line because at least the story would be thematically consistent.
For what it's worth, your technical writing and your prose are on excellent display here. I got to imagine it quite clearly in my head. Characterization is great, at least if we're going from Jim's standpoint: he's quite fleshed out and Lucy, well, not that much but I guess we're going with limited third-person from Jim's vantage point.
Overall, technical excellence is going to shoot this up to the middle of the pack, but it's sadly not going to break the top slate. Still, this is a good story with a timely message!
However, that meaning didn't come out to me in the first reading, and that's going to be problematic if the theme/message you want to convey throughout the whole story (and not just one part of it) doesn't strike out to the reader. At this point, it would've been better if it ended right after the Wuffums line because at least the story would be thematically consistent.
For what it's worth, your technical writing and your prose are on excellent display here. I got to imagine it quite clearly in my head. Characterization is great, at least if we're going from Jim's standpoint: he's quite fleshed out and Lucy, well, not that much but I guess we're going with limited third-person from Jim's vantage point.
Overall, technical excellence is going to shoot this up to the middle of the pack, but it's sadly not going to break the top slate. Still, this is a good story with a timely message!
At least now I know what 750 words look like when you clump them in one big pile, he-he!
Now I can't speak for everyone, but I'll put my two cents on the one-paragraph gimmick: it's a double-edged sword.
On the one hand, I could only comfortably read it by saying the story out loud, otherwise I would easily get lost, and I don't think I'm the only who's had difficulties reading this smoothly. The only big break the reader has is with that parenthesis with the new sentence in the middle (the "Why, he didn't mean to kill her!" part); other than that, the semi-colons are more like speed bumps than real true breaks. So having the one-paragraph thing will mean giving your readers a hard time getting through the story, at least the first time through.
On the other hand, I think I can see why you chose this route: stream-of-consciousness. You've depicted the half-organized stream of human thoughts pretty well, and surprisingly so since this is not a first-person but a third-person story (though I'd still say that a first-person perspective would've improved this a lot, since having it third-person would make it sound like a narrator trying to rush through the story because he wants to use the bathroom right away). It's also heightened by the implication that this citizen is either immortal or was probably living at the edge of the twentieth century in some rare rural part of Europe when he committed the crime. Either way, there's clearly something off underneath it all, and you depicted that in a good way.
Your theme about law being a faceless thing shows quite well and turns the title you've chosen from something innocuous or standard-ish into something ominous.
One last thing: you've seen the Upgrade picture in an unusual way. Kudos to you for that!
Overall, this is a gimmick done not excellently but done more than just right. Good job!
Now I can't speak for everyone, but I'll put my two cents on the one-paragraph gimmick: it's a double-edged sword.
On the one hand, I could only comfortably read it by saying the story out loud, otherwise I would easily get lost, and I don't think I'm the only who's had difficulties reading this smoothly. The only big break the reader has is with that parenthesis with the new sentence in the middle (the "Why, he didn't mean to kill her!" part); other than that, the semi-colons are more like speed bumps than real true breaks. So having the one-paragraph thing will mean giving your readers a hard time getting through the story, at least the first time through.
On the other hand, I think I can see why you chose this route: stream-of-consciousness. You've depicted the half-organized stream of human thoughts pretty well, and surprisingly so since this is not a first-person but a third-person story (though I'd still say that a first-person perspective would've improved this a lot, since having it third-person would make it sound like a narrator trying to rush through the story because he wants to use the bathroom right away). It's also heightened by the implication that this citizen is either immortal or was probably living at the edge of the twentieth century in some rare rural part of Europe when he committed the crime. Either way, there's clearly something off underneath it all, and you depicted that in a good way.
Your theme about law being a faceless thing shows quite well and turns the title you've chosen from something innocuous or standard-ish into something ominous.
One last thing: you've seen the Upgrade picture in an unusual way. Kudos to you for that!
Overall, this is a gimmick done not excellently but done more than just right. Good job!
The moment this happened...
... I kinda' knew Rosie was actually a robot or at least an android. Fits the title of the piece horrifyingly well: that, ultimately, she's just a lifestyle gadget, made to make Brad's life easier. Or brainwashed/augmented to make Brad's life easier? Not sure.
Anyway, aside from that... I don't have much else to say about the story. It's great, but not super great. The descriptions and worldbuilding is on-point, but not much else. I could say that Brad was well-done and Rosie was too because of the succinct amount of inner looks to their mentalities and so on, but the ending or theme that it all reovlves around was something I saw from a mile away, so perhaps the impact was a bit dulled for me.
Overall, despite being foreshadowed a tad too much, this was a brilliant and dystopian take on having human robots and androids just treated as lifestyle gadgets in society. Quite insightful and impactful!
Rosie’s face disappeared, giggling. Brad loved that sound. It was perfectly charged and almost weightless, like electricity. “I’m obligated to keep you alive,” he heard her say. “C’mon. Let’s eat.”
... I kinda' knew Rosie was actually a robot or at least an android. Fits the title of the piece horrifyingly well: that, ultimately, she's just a lifestyle gadget, made to make Brad's life easier. Or brainwashed/augmented to make Brad's life easier? Not sure.
Anyway, aside from that... I don't have much else to say about the story. It's great, but not super great. The descriptions and worldbuilding is on-point, but not much else. I could say that Brad was well-done and Rosie was too because of the succinct amount of inner looks to their mentalities and so on, but the ending or theme that it all reovlves around was something I saw from a mile away, so perhaps the impact was a bit dulled for me.
Overall, despite being foreshadowed a tad too much, this was a brilliant and dystopian take on having human robots and androids just treated as lifestyle gadgets in society. Quite insightful and impactful!
One glaring thing about this is that the first sentence, about cicadas being immortal, isn't brought up that much in the end. While this is a first-person story and there is the implied meaning that cicadas technically live forever by feeding off the years of dead people, there's no satisfying ending (or at least follow-up) in regards to cicadas being immortal. Maybe something like perhaps seeing no dead cicadas on the ground in the last few paragraphs or something like that would help bring some closure to that.
And while much of this story's charm is in how mysterious and ambiguous some of it is, I feel that there's still not enough literary nudges given for what kind of young life the protagonist was looking forward to. Sure, we know it's to turn back into a baby, but then it doesn't really say it's reincarnation—and then that has implications for the whole world if the cicada thing is true, that, perhaps, everyone else reincarnates like that. But maybe I'm just looking too much into that.
Other than that, you've done a really good mood piece over here, with one's acceptance of death in the form of cicadas welcoming him and taking his years, topped with the promise of youth once more. The first sentence, despite the lack of follow-up later on, is a great hook, and the memories were mentioned just enough to be, well, memory-like—not too long, not too short, and certainly giving the present-day ending enough words to fulfill itself.
Overall, this is a well-done somber piece about cicadas, death acceptance, and possible reincarnation all rolled into one! Nicely done.
And while much of this story's charm is in how mysterious and ambiguous some of it is, I feel that there's still not enough literary nudges given for what kind of young life the protagonist was looking forward to. Sure, we know it's to turn back into a baby, but then it doesn't really say it's reincarnation—and then that has implications for the whole world if the cicada thing is true, that, perhaps, everyone else reincarnates like that. But maybe I'm just looking too much into that.
Other than that, you've done a really good mood piece over here, with one's acceptance of death in the form of cicadas welcoming him and taking his years, topped with the promise of youth once more. The first sentence, despite the lack of follow-up later on, is a great hook, and the memories were mentioned just enough to be, well, memory-like—not too long, not too short, and certainly giving the present-day ending enough words to fulfill itself.
Overall, this is a well-done somber piece about cicadas, death acceptance, and possible reincarnation all rolled into one! Nicely done.
... OK, now I know more about the difference between eviction and condemnation. The more you know!
That aside: you've pretty much done a good job here. Not perfect, sure: the orc's speech before and after she introduces herself changes way too fast from informal to formal even in a light-hearted slice-of-life like this, and the confusion over P.O.V. and lack of any more cues or descriptions when she barges into Parsley's room made the ending sag quite a bit. However, you've done everything else in top-notch fashion with succinct exposition/backstory that's relevant to the character, snarky mental snides from the human, to name two.
Overall, this is a great slice-of-life about not really making it but still being OK with it. Fun stuff!
That aside: you've pretty much done a good job here. Not perfect, sure: the orc's speech before and after she introduces herself changes way too fast from informal to formal even in a light-hearted slice-of-life like this, and the confusion over P.O.V. and lack of any more cues or descriptions when she barges into Parsley's room made the ending sag quite a bit. However, you've done everything else in top-notch fashion with succinct exposition/backstory that's relevant to the character, snarky mental snides from the human, to name two.
Overall, this is a great slice-of-life about not really making it but still being OK with it. Fun stuff!
So I take it that part of the punishment is just long, agonizing waiting for the game of mini-golf to end? Eternal suffering is pretty bad, after all, so draining three-day waits would probably be her wake-up call that, calm as Hell might be to her, Hell is still doing its job of being a horrible place. And its an interesting twist that, at least in this case, it's the people in there that make it all the more terrible for her.
The only problem I see here is that that conclusion may fly over more than a few heads. Perhaps an added mention of how Hell is eternal or their souls there are immortal or something like that in the first half might've made the joke more accessible.
Other than that, this is a pretty solid comedy! The nonchalant tone is quite consistent and that sells the story for me in a lot of ways: how Hell doesn't look that bad at first, how the people are just living their day-to-day life as is, and how the horrors of Hell isn't in the big fire and brimstone but in the little annoyances multiplied by a million.
Overall, again, pretty solid comedy you got there! Woohoo for you!
The only problem I see here is that that conclusion may fly over more than a few heads. Perhaps an added mention of how Hell is eternal or their souls there are immortal or something like that in the first half might've made the joke more accessible.
Other than that, this is a pretty solid comedy! The nonchalant tone is quite consistent and that sells the story for me in a lot of ways: how Hell doesn't look that bad at first, how the people are just living their day-to-day life as is, and how the horrors of Hell isn't in the big fire and brimstone but in the little annoyances multiplied by a million.
Overall, again, pretty solid comedy you got there! Woohoo for you!
Skimming through this, it becomes obvious that the backstory/explanatory part of the fic takes up lots of real estate here as well as descriptions about the shelter as a whole. This is a risky move, because that means that the big surprise/reveal/payoff/whatever at the end will take the short end of the stick and should be worth all this talking about despite (or beacuse of) its shortness. So the million-dollar question is: did it succeed?
Kind of. True, fast-paced high-octane climaxes shouldn't be too wordy, but I get the feeling that the ending was more of an addition to the meaty backstory than an equal piece to the whole. Still, it fulfilled its function: gave the surprise at the end about who Hopkins really used to be right before state sec (or is it "private sec" at this point, considering the police are Bob's?) somehow gets to him. Nice try at sounding ominous with the last quote, but the concept of obstacles being owned by a company is open to tons of interpretation and I'm not sure what you're going for here.
On the bright side, you don't have any egregious spelling/grammatical errors so it looks quite polished and clean; at least you got that going for you.
Overall, despite the rough edges pace-wise and some rather dubious line decisions, this is quite a brooding and rather dystopian piece!
Kind of. True, fast-paced high-octane climaxes shouldn't be too wordy, but I get the feeling that the ending was more of an addition to the meaty backstory than an equal piece to the whole. Still, it fulfilled its function: gave the surprise at the end about who Hopkins really used to be right before state sec (or is it "private sec" at this point, considering the police are Bob's?) somehow gets to him. Nice try at sounding ominous with the last quote, but the concept of obstacles being owned by a company is open to tons of interpretation and I'm not sure what you're going for here.
On the bright side, you don't have any egregious spelling/grammatical errors so it looks quite polished and clean; at least you got that going for you.
Overall, despite the rough edges pace-wise and some rather dubious line decisions, this is quite a brooding and rather dystopian piece!
“So… what is this?” Asked Steve “Fight Club but I’m self-aware?”
Yes, and you took the concept pretty well and quite realistically. Having both sides of Stef (and I'll call this unified human Stef just for convenience) agree to at least talk and negotiate their split-personality time slots compared to at least one side not being aware of it (as is in Fight Club) was not just fun but also enlightening to read. A more stable version of the movie, actually, that wouldn't end with the destruction of the world economy.
Your portrayal of Steve and Steph is pretty nice and consistent throughout, especially since the other is their foil. Sure, the dialogue could be spiced up by not having their names start off a lot of the sentences (because as I was beginning to wonder who was who halfway through), but your attention to detail regarding their expressions and visual reactions to each other makes them more whole.
The only thing that's dragging the story down is punctuation errors, especially with the dialogue tags. For example:
“And I gave you power, you abused it.” Stephen said as he copied his other half.
That should actually have a comma instead of a period at the end of the quoted sentence, like this:
“And I gave you power, you abused it,” Stephen said as he copied his other half.
The reason why I'm spelling it out here is because this error is consistent throughout the whole fic. It's nice that the rule doesn't apply to sentences that end with an exclamation or question mark, but those aren't as common as the ordinary replace-period-with-a-comma ones.
Overall, you've done a good twist on the Fight Club-esque split personalities! Just needs polishing up on the dialogue tags and this could be a stronger contender.
OK, sure, this is riddled with a ton of grammatical mistakes with things like "they was" (they were) and "a least" (at least). However, on its own, this is sort of OK because, well, 24 hours to write something.
The bigger issue here, though, is how the second half seems well thought-out compared to the first one as WritingSpirit said. The second half, beginning after the section break, is actually quite funny! Kind of like gravity finally dawning on Wile the Coyote before he falls down: this is the comedy that struck, and you just kept it coming with a deconstruction on the typical image of Hell. Applying engineering (or even just basic science to this; I'm not sure at the moment) really stole the show here.
However, the lead-up to that is where the overwhelming majority of grammatical mistakes lie which may turn off exacting readers. Moreover, while the first few paragraphs are OK as is (if you ignore the grammatical errors), they seem a bit too fast. The initial surprise of John being in Hell is pretty much non-existent because it's all written so quickly. Fleshing this one out a bit, even by just an additonal sentence or two, would heighten the surprise by building the build-up to it.
Other than that, well, the tone of the first half is quite nonchalant as is expected about a comedy like this. Nothing inherently wrong here; you've done a great job otherwise.
Overall, this is a diamond in the rough. Would take some digging and effort to get to the diamond itself, but, well, take pride in that diamond!
The bigger issue here, though, is how the second half seems well thought-out compared to the first one as WritingSpirit said. The second half, beginning after the section break, is actually quite funny! Kind of like gravity finally dawning on Wile the Coyote before he falls down: this is the comedy that struck, and you just kept it coming with a deconstruction on the typical image of Hell. Applying engineering (or even just basic science to this; I'm not sure at the moment) really stole the show here.
However, the lead-up to that is where the overwhelming majority of grammatical mistakes lie which may turn off exacting readers. Moreover, while the first few paragraphs are OK as is (if you ignore the grammatical errors), they seem a bit too fast. The initial surprise of John being in Hell is pretty much non-existent because it's all written so quickly. Fleshing this one out a bit, even by just an additonal sentence or two, would heighten the surprise by building the build-up to it.
Other than that, well, the tone of the first half is quite nonchalant as is expected about a comedy like this. Nothing inherently wrong here; you've done a great job otherwise.
Overall, this is a diamond in the rough. Would take some digging and effort to get to the diamond itself, but, well, take pride in that diamond!
Well, there are a few spelling/grammatical errors like Jim being called a manger and a rather questionable choice of words (like the robots being "the automated"), but honestly, these are minimal compared to this rollercoaster of a comedy! Just mentioning the squirt gun outright, compared to the rather robotic/professional tone much of the piece is comprised of, made me just sit there and, now, I want to shake your hand for a joke well done! Even before, I was wondering, "Is Jim so crazy he's going to shoot his robot with a gun if he fails with balloons?!"
Overall, bravo! Fun story you got here!
Overall, bravo! Fun story you got here!
So... long-lived Twilight princess who managed to outlive not just her friends but Celestia and Luna too (and probably her parents). I haven't read much in the way of immortal/long-lived Twilight stories so I'm coming in feeling that this isn't cliched.
This is a good look into how Twilight would end up in, well, a long-lived situation... and it's coping through talking to statues. Given the indeterminate amount of years (or decades or centuries even) she must've lived in this case, you accurately portray Twilight triyng to put on a smiling mask for her dead friends who may not even be there soul-wise but in the afterlife proper.
It's also a nice twist to the Not the Whole Truth prompt, in that Twilight is, in a way, trying to disregard a part of the truth (of her dead friends) to herself whenever she visits this place.
Overall, a cool story and a unique take on the Twilight-outlives-her-friends trope! Very nice!
This is a good look into how Twilight would end up in, well, a long-lived situation... and it's coping through talking to statues. Given the indeterminate amount of years (or decades or centuries even) she must've lived in this case, you accurately portray Twilight triyng to put on a smiling mask for her dead friends who may not even be there soul-wise but in the afterlife proper.
It's also a nice twist to the Not the Whole Truth prompt, in that Twilight is, in a way, trying to disregard a part of the truth (of her dead friends) to herself whenever she visits this place.
Overall, a cool story and a unique take on the Twilight-outlives-her-friends trope! Very nice!
I apologize if I didn't get much out of it because I'm not knowledgeable enough to understand or truly appreciate what's going on here. I only probably get the gist of what's going on here and that's after I checked a comment or two to figure it out... and I think it's about Discord but as a robot.
It does fit the prompt of Not the Whole Truth by depicting Discord as a robot and not as something organic. Gives off some Terminator vibes, actually. Wouldn't that be a fun twist if this was fleshed out to its full potential? Discord revealing that he's a robot all this time to Fluttershy and the rest of the Mane Six?
Overall, this is a well-written story even if I don't understand even half of what's going on. At least you're knowledgeable enough to make this very believable!
It does fit the prompt of Not the Whole Truth by depicting Discord as a robot and not as something organic. Gives off some Terminator vibes, actually. Wouldn't that be a fun twist if this was fleshed out to its full potential? Discord revealing that he's a robot all this time to Fluttershy and the rest of the Mane Six?
Overall, this is a well-written story even if I don't understand even half of what's going on. At least you're knowledgeable enough to make this very believable!
I thought the story would be about Smolder hoarding dresses or something like it given her guilty pleasures displayed in the show, but that also showed that I forgot the title altogether. And that's good!—because it made me wonder about what's going on so much that I forgot the obvious. Good case of misdirection here!
As for the actual reveal: it's even greater that you don't give us a definite answer; helps generate lots of discussion and thought about what Smolder may actually be and forces readers to think for themselves and take a stand on the issue. (Personally, I think she is a changeling only because it's the most straightforward conclusion given the title.) However, it also means that Smolder isn't that much different from Spike, at least whenever she started out this dragon thing: not knowing much about dragons, and being one of the odd ones out dragon-wise.
It's also great on second read, knowing that Smolder isn't "that much of a dragon" as everyone else thinks she is (case in point: Sandbar likening her to a dragon textbook, not knowing that Smolder is relying on dragon textbooks.) That this story takes on a fuller light on second read really fulfills the Not the Whole Truth prompt going on here.
Overall, this is a great story... um, overall! Don't stop what you're doing!
As for the actual reveal: it's even greater that you don't give us a definite answer; helps generate lots of discussion and thought about what Smolder may actually be and forces readers to think for themselves and take a stand on the issue. (Personally, I think she is a changeling only because it's the most straightforward conclusion given the title.) However, it also means that Smolder isn't that much different from Spike, at least whenever she started out this dragon thing: not knowing much about dragons, and being one of the odd ones out dragon-wise.
It's also great on second read, knowing that Smolder isn't "that much of a dragon" as everyone else thinks she is (case in point: Sandbar likening her to a dragon textbook, not knowing that Smolder is relying on dragon textbooks.) That this story takes on a fuller light on second read really fulfills the Not the Whole Truth prompt going on here.
Overall, this is a great story... um, overall! Don't stop what you're doing!
So I think this is a peaceful divorce or at least some kind of amiable break-up going on between Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.
What immediately catches my eye is how you use different paragraph alignments to your narrative advantage. And it also switches depending on the P.O.V. too, relying on the tendency for a lot of people to read from left to right with left being the P.O.V. character and right being someone else talking. That's a nice nuance you included!
For the story itself: it shows a very realistic outcome for a Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash relationship if Dash got involved with her Wonderbolt dream. The logic behind it is quite sound with Fluttershy's assertions that it just woudln't work the way it is contrasted with Rainbow's desperation to keep the relationship going even if it'd be untenable. And it's all brushed away under the rug in an attempt to stay polite and not talk about something so sensitive. Emotionally speaking, you got this one alright!
Vividness of setting descriptions aside, it's also a nice depiction of Rainbow Dash at the end that'd also be realistic: a middle-aged(?) mare stressed out and probably facing a mid-life crisis before her. And smokes too (which does fit in well with the Smoke and Mirrors picture in a novel way). A way to try to de-stress after having to break-up; a reasonable outcome.
Overall, this is a gimmicky story in all the right ways and nicely depicts a relationship that just drifts apart. Good job to you!
What immediately catches my eye is how you use different paragraph alignments to your narrative advantage. And it also switches depending on the P.O.V. too, relying on the tendency for a lot of people to read from left to right with left being the P.O.V. character and right being someone else talking. That's a nice nuance you included!
For the story itself: it shows a very realistic outcome for a Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash relationship if Dash got involved with her Wonderbolt dream. The logic behind it is quite sound with Fluttershy's assertions that it just woudln't work the way it is contrasted with Rainbow's desperation to keep the relationship going even if it'd be untenable. And it's all brushed away under the rug in an attempt to stay polite and not talk about something so sensitive. Emotionally speaking, you got this one alright!
Vividness of setting descriptions aside, it's also a nice depiction of Rainbow Dash at the end that'd also be realistic: a middle-aged(?) mare stressed out and probably facing a mid-life crisis before her. And smokes too (which does fit in well with the Smoke and Mirrors picture in a novel way). A way to try to de-stress after having to break-up; a reasonable outcome.
Overall, this is a gimmicky story in all the right ways and nicely depicts a relationship that just drifts apart. Good job to you!
Given the title and the first section of the fic, I guess I should've had a feeling that this was going to be an uplifting story. And, well, it is an uplifting story that does the job pretty well. You keep the scenes short and sweet, and the descriptions and Tempest's thoughts are concise without being too skeletal or lacking in literary meat.
What I also find great here is the slow loss of desperation shown throughout the fic, and it's best shown (or punctuated) by the creeping addition of Tempest's reasons to live. By the end of it, the viewpoint of post-evil life being drudgery is gone and not even outright mentioned, and it's not in-your-face—it's subtle.
Overall, this is a good fic! Keep doing what you do!
What I also find great here is the slow loss of desperation shown throughout the fic, and it's best shown (or punctuated) by the creeping addition of Tempest's reasons to live. By the end of it, the viewpoint of post-evil life being drudgery is gone and not even outright mentioned, and it's not in-your-face—it's subtle.
Overall, this is a good fic! Keep doing what you do!
It's only now that I really get the gimmick going on here: that there are four poems, not two. Since I was on dark mode, I just assumed that the green one was the "dark mode surprise"... and then it turns out I completely missed out on the light mode poems. From what I could gather, this feels like a retelling of Nightmare Moon's in poetic form in four parts, from light mode to dark mode.
Well, I'm not an expert on poems so I don't have much to say. While the poems seem to follow a consistent pattern (save for the first dark mode poem which deviates from the ten-syllable pattern of the others), the constant mid-sentence line breaks make the poems a little janky to read. Though that might be a valid thing as well; I'm not so sure.
Overall, this is a creative and experimental work of poetry that I would appreciate more if I knew more about poetry. Good job!
Well, I'm not an expert on poems so I don't have much to say. While the poems seem to follow a consistent pattern (save for the first dark mode poem which deviates from the ten-syllable pattern of the others), the constant mid-sentence line breaks make the poems a little janky to read. Though that might be a valid thing as well; I'm not so sure.
Overall, this is a creative and experimental work of poetry that I would appreciate more if I knew more about poetry. Good job!
It's not that uncommon to consider 4th-wall breaking meta and having Pinkie added to the mix. In fact, the premise seems to have good intentions: Twilight goes crazy after discovering that her reality isn't "real" and then dragging Celestia along to the truth.
So it's a shame that much of the impact this story could've had is in the letter instead of something, well, more active like Celestia talking it out with Twilight in the void. The reveal and reaction would've been much better if they were less on the letter and more in the scenes themselves.
This over-reliance on the letter also shows with how much you seek to set things up in the letter. Much of it is focused on the letter (note how it's mentioned in all three sections, even the last one) when some of that focus could've been lent to the actual revelation in it. (Also, if Twilight thought that she had extremely sensitive and dangerous information in her hooves, then dumping it all in a letter isn't the best idea; something like an invitation to know the truth and then the portal appearing would've been better).
Overall, it's a fic that tries to uniquely tread on some old grounds but it falls short.
So it's a shame that much of the impact this story could've had is in the letter instead of something, well, more active like Celestia talking it out with Twilight in the void. The reveal and reaction would've been much better if they were less on the letter and more in the scenes themselves.
This over-reliance on the letter also shows with how much you seek to set things up in the letter. Much of it is focused on the letter (note how it's mentioned in all three sections, even the last one) when some of that focus could've been lent to the actual revelation in it. (Also, if Twilight thought that she had extremely sensitive and dangerous information in her hooves, then dumping it all in a letter isn't the best idea; something like an invitation to know the truth and then the portal appearing would've been better).
Overall, it's a fic that tries to uniquely tread on some old grounds but it falls short.
The premise of this is... crazy, to say the least. Kind of Truman Show-esque with how extensive and deep the cover would be for Twilight's parents and Luna to keep her convinced all this time that Celestia was a real pony.
However, how it was handled was quite barebones. Celestia was so intertwined into Twilight's life that I find it hard to believe that it'd all be over without that much visible damage or reaction. Perhaps that's for after the story (hence the final paragraph), but the story still doesn't convey something that's world-breaking for Twilight.
Overall, it's fun but not as realistic as it should be (at least concerning Twilight's reactions).
However, how it was handled was quite barebones. Celestia was so intertwined into Twilight's life that I find it hard to believe that it'd all be over without that much visible damage or reaction. Perhaps that's for after the story (hence the final paragraph), but the story still doesn't convey something that's world-breaking for Twilight.
Overall, it's fun but not as realistic as it should be (at least concerning Twilight's reactions).
I confess that I occasionally have sleep paralysis (or at least I used to, but I'm not so sure if it will strike again), so it didn't take long for me to get what Apple Bloom was experiencing.
The writing hit the perfect balance of being tight and descriptive. In such a situation, there'd be tons of fear and other sorts of overwhelming emotional stimuli to cover, not to mention also having to describe whatever other stuff you'd have to see. And you managed to accomplish all of this with just the right pacing.
In fact, even though I had hints that this was sleep paralysis, you also managed to drag the nightmare sequence long enough for me to doubt if it was normal sleep paralysis and if it was, instead, some kind of nightmare imposter/changeling thing trying to take over Apple Bloom. So when Apple Bloom finally woke up, I was massively relieved. Needless to say, you're quite adept with inducing an emotional response!
Overall, this is great! Keep up the good work.
The writing hit the perfect balance of being tight and descriptive. In such a situation, there'd be tons of fear and other sorts of overwhelming emotional stimuli to cover, not to mention also having to describe whatever other stuff you'd have to see. And you managed to accomplish all of this with just the right pacing.
In fact, even though I had hints that this was sleep paralysis, you also managed to drag the nightmare sequence long enough for me to doubt if it was normal sleep paralysis and if it was, instead, some kind of nightmare imposter/changeling thing trying to take over Apple Bloom. So when Apple Bloom finally woke up, I was massively relieved. Needless to say, you're quite adept with inducing an emotional response!
Overall, this is great! Keep up the good work.
At first, I didn't exactly know what I was reading. I thought it was some kind of time skip to when Twilight activated Pinkie PAI, but then the oddities and other names showed up and I was wondering, "Is this a dream sequence?" It took reading the comments for me to realize that the middle part is made up of bot-written text, something I'd see from a Botnik run.
I guess the purpose of the story was to be humorous and to make a joke so at least it doesn't have the burden to be deep and very meaningful. However, whatever humor it had fell flat for me, before and after I realized the bot-written gimmick going on here. Still, though, it's not uncommon for a short fic to run with a gimmick and then say, "Hah, it's a joke!" or something like that (at least in Fimfiction, as far as I can tell).
Overall, this fic technically accomplished the job as a humorous piece. However, it feels quite cheap. Apart from that, I can't give any more specific feedback because it'd all be on the bot's fault and I don't know how to critique a writing bot.
I guess the purpose of the story was to be humorous and to make a joke so at least it doesn't have the burden to be deep and very meaningful. However, whatever humor it had fell flat for me, before and after I realized the bot-written gimmick going on here. Still, though, it's not uncommon for a short fic to run with a gimmick and then say, "Hah, it's a joke!" or something like that (at least in Fimfiction, as far as I can tell).
Overall, this fic technically accomplished the job as a humorous piece. However, it feels quite cheap. Apart from that, I can't give any more specific feedback because it'd all be on the bot's fault and I don't know how to critique a writing bot.
Paging WIP