Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
The Mære
Apple Bloom blinked. In the instant that her eyes closed, and reopened, the universe lurched, and she woke.
She found herself in a murky expanse of darkness, painted by pale blue fingers of moonlight. The shapes she glimpsed were familiar, though: her desk, her chair her dressers. Reality recentered itself. She was in her bed; she'd never left.
She blinked again, and lifted her hoof to rub her eyes––
And felt her breathing hitch as her hoof refused to move.
Apple Bloom tried to swivel her head, press her cheek against the cool cloth of the pillow, to make sure her hoof was still attached to her body. Her neck wouldn't move either. Nor did her other hoof, her hind legs, even her tail.
She tried to cry out; a dry gasp hissed through her teeth. Her heart thundered as she sucked in fresh breath, thundered harder as even that felt constricted, as if some weight was pressing on her chest. It was like she was trapped in a suit of armor, too heavy to move, too tight for her to breathe.
Her eyes were the only things she could control. She searched the room for something, someone who could save her...
Something stirred underneath her desk – a lump of darkness that rose, until it stood over her bed. Indistinct at first, it gradually took on a familiar form: limbs, wings, horn and head.
Princess Luna, Apple Bloom thought. Her moment of relief withered as it shook its head and let pink and purple tresses tumble across its neck. A faceless Princess Twilight stood at the foot of her bed.
Twilight spoke in a wordless tongue, clacking like hoofsteps on wooden stairs. Twilight's head creaked like a rusty hinge as she turned her face toward the bedroom door. Apple Bloom's eyes rolled in their sockets, in the direction the shadowy alicorn now faced.
A featureless filly of white flesh and bushy red mane stood by the door. It looked at Apple Bloom with its void of a face, and nodded, once.
Twilight turned toward Apple Bloom again. From nothing, a narrow white line stitched across the middle of its face; milky white eyes split open above that. The edges of her mouth, thin as a wire, curled upward, creeping up to her ears. She mounted the bed, and crawled, catlike, toward Apple Bloom.
Apple Bloom screamed silence until her lungs burned.
An inky forehoof planted on Apple Bloom's barrel, and pushed all air from Apple Bloom's lungs. Twilight shoved her into her mattress – shoved her through her mattress. The darkness crawled from the edges of the room and into the edges of Apple Bloom's vision, until all she saw was that grin, those eyes, wreathed in wriggling black tendrils as she sank into an inescapable void.
Desperately, Apple Bloom willed her body to move. She beat her hooves and kicked her legs and whipped her head, straining against the suit of armor she'd been cinched into, and when none of that worked, she poured every ounce of will and focus and Apple family grit into moving her hoof, one hoof, just the meagerest little inch...
It twitched. Apple Bloom pushed again, wriggled her hoof experimentally, and, satisfied, swung it like a mace through Twilight's face.
And, like a rope had snapped, Apple Bloom's body lurched forward. Hooves beat madly against the bed that threatened to swallow her, lashed out at the shapes encroaching upon her. Shouting, she leaped from bed and galloped to her door and fumbled desperately for the knob, before that Twilight-thing could return and drag her down to who knows where...
Applejack's voice, thick with sleep, rasped at her through the heavy wooden door. "Apple Bloom? You okay?"
Without thinking, Apple Bloom said, "The bed's too deep; I almost fell right in."
There was an awkward scraping sound from the other side of the door. "We'll, uh, fix that right up tomorrow. Why don'tcha try gettin' back to sleep?"
Apple Bloom blinked. Her eyelids moved slowly, like she was coated in molasses. She rapped on the door, glanced back at her bed – wary, without knowing why, without knowing why she was even out of it.
She crept back to bed without answering Applejack, and crawled under the disheveled covers. Pulling them tightly up to her neck, she rolled onto her back, and stared past the foot of her bed, at her desk.
Apple Bloom didn't look away until sleep reclaimed her.
She found herself in a murky expanse of darkness, painted by pale blue fingers of moonlight. The shapes she glimpsed were familiar, though: her desk, her chair her dressers. Reality recentered itself. She was in her bed; she'd never left.
She blinked again, and lifted her hoof to rub her eyes––
And felt her breathing hitch as her hoof refused to move.
Apple Bloom tried to swivel her head, press her cheek against the cool cloth of the pillow, to make sure her hoof was still attached to her body. Her neck wouldn't move either. Nor did her other hoof, her hind legs, even her tail.
She tried to cry out; a dry gasp hissed through her teeth. Her heart thundered as she sucked in fresh breath, thundered harder as even that felt constricted, as if some weight was pressing on her chest. It was like she was trapped in a suit of armor, too heavy to move, too tight for her to breathe.
Her eyes were the only things she could control. She searched the room for something, someone who could save her...
Something stirred underneath her desk – a lump of darkness that rose, until it stood over her bed. Indistinct at first, it gradually took on a familiar form: limbs, wings, horn and head.
Princess Luna, Apple Bloom thought. Her moment of relief withered as it shook its head and let pink and purple tresses tumble across its neck. A faceless Princess Twilight stood at the foot of her bed.
Twilight spoke in a wordless tongue, clacking like hoofsteps on wooden stairs. Twilight's head creaked like a rusty hinge as she turned her face toward the bedroom door. Apple Bloom's eyes rolled in their sockets, in the direction the shadowy alicorn now faced.
A featureless filly of white flesh and bushy red mane stood by the door. It looked at Apple Bloom with its void of a face, and nodded, once.
Twilight turned toward Apple Bloom again. From nothing, a narrow white line stitched across the middle of its face; milky white eyes split open above that. The edges of her mouth, thin as a wire, curled upward, creeping up to her ears. She mounted the bed, and crawled, catlike, toward Apple Bloom.
Apple Bloom screamed silence until her lungs burned.
An inky forehoof planted on Apple Bloom's barrel, and pushed all air from Apple Bloom's lungs. Twilight shoved her into her mattress – shoved her through her mattress. The darkness crawled from the edges of the room and into the edges of Apple Bloom's vision, until all she saw was that grin, those eyes, wreathed in wriggling black tendrils as she sank into an inescapable void.
Desperately, Apple Bloom willed her body to move. She beat her hooves and kicked her legs and whipped her head, straining against the suit of armor she'd been cinched into, and when none of that worked, she poured every ounce of will and focus and Apple family grit into moving her hoof, one hoof, just the meagerest little inch...
It twitched. Apple Bloom pushed again, wriggled her hoof experimentally, and, satisfied, swung it like a mace through Twilight's face.
And, like a rope had snapped, Apple Bloom's body lurched forward. Hooves beat madly against the bed that threatened to swallow her, lashed out at the shapes encroaching upon her. Shouting, she leaped from bed and galloped to her door and fumbled desperately for the knob, before that Twilight-thing could return and drag her down to who knows where...
Applejack's voice, thick with sleep, rasped at her through the heavy wooden door. "Apple Bloom? You okay?"
Without thinking, Apple Bloom said, "The bed's too deep; I almost fell right in."
There was an awkward scraping sound from the other side of the door. "We'll, uh, fix that right up tomorrow. Why don'tcha try gettin' back to sleep?"
Apple Bloom blinked. Her eyelids moved slowly, like she was coated in molasses. She rapped on the door, glanced back at her bed – wary, without knowing why, without knowing why she was even out of it.
She crept back to bed without answering Applejack, and crawled under the disheveled covers. Pulling them tightly up to her neck, she rolled onto her back, and stared past the foot of her bed, at her desk.
Apple Bloom didn't look away until sleep reclaimed her.
Pics
This immediately has a subtle issue most authors don't pay attention to. When you have a limited narrator, you need the narration to be plausible for the focus character. It should sound like something she might think or even speak out loud. You have to watch the word choice and phrasings. I could buy this as an older Apple Bloom, but that's not the case, and I don't easily buy the one we know from canon being this comfortable using semicolons and fancy language.
Once you've identified the "featureless filly" as female, why do you subsequently refer to her as "it"?
This is pretty effective as a mystery. You gradually dole out clues as to what's going on, and you ramp up the creepiness factor. The problem at the end is that the tension is all with the reader. We don't have any idea whether it was real, and since Apple Bloom doesn't remember any of it, she doesn't have any concern. We can be concerned on her behalf, but we're not even sure there's something to be concerned about. Plus it would be a generalized concern, since we don't know what any of this means for her.
Then if it is all a dream, you have the same problem to overcome that all such "it was all a dream" stories do: convincing the reader they didn't waste their time reading something that doesn't matter. It's possible to do that, but it'll normally mean showing that even though it was a dream, there are lasting consequences to it. The fact Apple Bloom doesn't remember it takes away pretty much any chance of that.
I think this needs some stronger closure. You can leave it open as to whether it was a dream, but we still need to see that this results in something. As is, it's a nice depiction of a nightmare, but if that's all it is, Apple Bloom's already forgotten it, so if she doesn't care, the reader doesn't have a reason to either. Great as an atmospheric scene. As a story, it doesn't complete an arc.
Once you've identified the "featureless filly" as female, why do you subsequently refer to her as "it"?
This is pretty effective as a mystery. You gradually dole out clues as to what's going on, and you ramp up the creepiness factor. The problem at the end is that the tension is all with the reader. We don't have any idea whether it was real, and since Apple Bloom doesn't remember any of it, she doesn't have any concern. We can be concerned on her behalf, but we're not even sure there's something to be concerned about. Plus it would be a generalized concern, since we don't know what any of this means for her.
Then if it is all a dream, you have the same problem to overcome that all such "it was all a dream" stories do: convincing the reader they didn't waste their time reading something that doesn't matter. It's possible to do that, but it'll normally mean showing that even though it was a dream, there are lasting consequences to it. The fact Apple Bloom doesn't remember it takes away pretty much any chance of that.
I think this needs some stronger closure. You can leave it open as to whether it was a dream, but we still need to see that this results in something. As is, it's a nice depiction of a nightmare, but if that's all it is, Apple Bloom's already forgotten it, so if she doesn't care, the reader doesn't have a reason to either. Great as an atmospheric scene. As a story, it doesn't complete an arc.
This is a depiction of sleep paralysis, yeah? This isn't how I usually experience it, but reminds me of how I've heard other people describe it.
Once I figured that out (at the very start), most of the conflict goes away... I know nothing can hurt Apple Bloom, so I'm more waiting for her to just break out of it/for Applejack to come.
Once I figured that out (at the very start), most of the conflict goes away... I know nothing can hurt Apple Bloom, so I'm more waiting for her to just break out of it/for Applejack to come.
On first read this hit me hard--(to me) it's a very vivid description of the very worst nightmares everyone had as a kid, the ones that felt both utterly surreal and just a bit too real.
As that, it's fantastic. I'm just not sure it really accomplishes anything else. But while it's not exactly a story, given "vivid description of this particular scenario" seems to be what you were going for, you've done an excellent job, author.
As that, it's fantastic. I'm just not sure it really accomplishes anything else. But while it's not exactly a story, given "vivid description of this particular scenario" seems to be what you were going for, you've done an excellent job, author.
Now, I'm pretty sure that some of my fellow reviewers above have made it known to you that this is more of a scene than a story, so I won't go into that. Instead, I'll just be judging this entry as the scene that it is.
By itself, this is a pretty good scene. The tone, mood, atmosphere, whatever you call it, it's the first thing that caught my eye. It reeks of dread and despair, and the adjectives littered around the story firmly cemented it, so kudos for that. I do think, however, that you can still go an extra mile with what you have here, Author, and it may help with resolving some of the issues that the others might have with the story.
Personally, I'm not entirely sure that Twilight was your best pick to be the monster beneath her desk. I'm guessing she was used as a segue from Apple Bloom initially believing it was Princess Luna, but that didn't really go anywhere in the end. Twilight also didn't seem that close to Apple Bloom to begin with save for a few interactions in the show here and there.
To have Applejack in place of Twilight, however, I believe would bring more interesting developments to the table. I'd fear for Apple Bloom if I learned that she was being choked out of her life by her own sister. That dread would also be further amplified at the end when Applejack stops by at the door. It'll leave me questioning the sequence of events that happened and also wonder whether the danger has really gone away, which I think would do wonders for this entry.
Apart from a few pacing issues, I think this scene came in and did the job it set out to do, which is great. However, like the others, I do wish that it achieved more than what we're given. Nevertheless, as a fan and occasional dabbler in FiM horror myself, I would be interested to see an expanded version of this.
Good luck and thanks for writing!
By itself, this is a pretty good scene. The tone, mood, atmosphere, whatever you call it, it's the first thing that caught my eye. It reeks of dread and despair, and the adjectives littered around the story firmly cemented it, so kudos for that. I do think, however, that you can still go an extra mile with what you have here, Author, and it may help with resolving some of the issues that the others might have with the story.
Personally, I'm not entirely sure that Twilight was your best pick to be the monster beneath her desk. I'm guessing she was used as a segue from Apple Bloom initially believing it was Princess Luna, but that didn't really go anywhere in the end. Twilight also didn't seem that close to Apple Bloom to begin with save for a few interactions in the show here and there.
To have Applejack in place of Twilight, however, I believe would bring more interesting developments to the table. I'd fear for Apple Bloom if I learned that she was being choked out of her life by her own sister. That dread would also be further amplified at the end when Applejack stops by at the door. It'll leave me questioning the sequence of events that happened and also wonder whether the danger has really gone away, which I think would do wonders for this entry.
Apart from a few pacing issues, I think this scene came in and did the job it set out to do, which is great. However, like the others, I do wish that it achieved more than what we're given. Nevertheless, as a fan and occasional dabbler in FiM horror myself, I would be interested to see an expanded version of this.
Good luck and thanks for writing!
I've only had sleep paralysis once and it was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I think you did a good job capturing that terror, complete with mysterious blob of darkness.
Okay back. Now! The whole paralysis-nightmare sequence is sufficiently unsettling, but also kind of weird, though props for this bit:
I think we often forget that ponies have coats and aren't just pastel flesh bags with pretty manes. Drawing up the image of a truly naked and featureless pony is really cool.
The fact that there are two maybe-hallucinations instead of the usual one makes me think that there's more going on here than first appears, but, echoing Spirit above, there's not really a payoff to be had with regards to the number or characters chosen for the apparitions. It's not a ruinous lack of cohesion, but I walked away more confused than disturbed, which may not have been the point.
Okay back. Now! The whole paralysis-nightmare sequence is sufficiently unsettling, but also kind of weird, though props for this bit:
A featureless filly of white flesh
I think we often forget that ponies have coats and aren't just pastel flesh bags with pretty manes. Drawing up the image of a truly naked and featureless pony is really cool.
The fact that there are two maybe-hallucinations instead of the usual one makes me think that there's more going on here than first appears, but, echoing Spirit above, there's not really a payoff to be had with regards to the number or characters chosen for the apparitions. It's not a ruinous lack of cohesion, but I walked away more confused than disturbed, which may not have been the point.
I confess that I occasionally have sleep paralysis (or at least I used to, but I'm not so sure if it will strike again), so it didn't take long for me to get what Apple Bloom was experiencing.
The writing hit the perfect balance of being tight and descriptive. In such a situation, there'd be tons of fear and other sorts of overwhelming emotional stimuli to cover, not to mention also having to describe whatever other stuff you'd have to see. And you managed to accomplish all of this with just the right pacing.
In fact, even though I had hints that this was sleep paralysis, you also managed to drag the nightmare sequence long enough for me to doubt if it was normal sleep paralysis and if it was, instead, some kind of nightmare imposter/changeling thing trying to take over Apple Bloom. So when Apple Bloom finally woke up, I was massively relieved. Needless to say, you're quite adept with inducing an emotional response!
Overall, this is great! Keep up the good work.
The writing hit the perfect balance of being tight and descriptive. In such a situation, there'd be tons of fear and other sorts of overwhelming emotional stimuli to cover, not to mention also having to describe whatever other stuff you'd have to see. And you managed to accomplish all of this with just the right pacing.
In fact, even though I had hints that this was sleep paralysis, you also managed to drag the nightmare sequence long enough for me to doubt if it was normal sleep paralysis and if it was, instead, some kind of nightmare imposter/changeling thing trying to take over Apple Bloom. So when Apple Bloom finally woke up, I was massively relieved. Needless to say, you're quite adept with inducing an emotional response!
Overall, this is great! Keep up the good work.
This is really good! As others have mentioned, it is missing elements of an actual story, but there's a lot of ways you can take this. As is, it's a great starting point for some real good horror.
I personally felt the ending was rushed, with AJ really blowing off her sister's panic. It is a good relief of tension (although missing a resolution), though, and if you extend this story, this might be a good time to start ramping up the tension again, if you can find a way.
Also, I think it was mentioned but I really want to emphasize it: Twist doesn't need to be there. For the most part, you did a great job only being inspired by the art, and not trying to needlessly describe it piece by piece. But Twist is the only part that only seems to be there for the art.
Plus, the best monster flicks involve one monster (or a hoard of them), I find. And strangely enough, it's that second phantom that gave the dream away for me. If it were only Twilight, I might have thought there was a bonafide ghost haunting going on. A second ghost and I can tell it's just somefilly's stupid brain being stupid.
That's all! Thanks so much for writing :v
I personally felt the ending was rushed, with AJ really blowing off her sister's panic. It is a good relief of tension (although missing a resolution), though, and if you extend this story, this might be a good time to start ramping up the tension again, if you can find a way.
Also, I think it was mentioned but I really want to emphasize it: Twist doesn't need to be there. For the most part, you did a great job only being inspired by the art, and not trying to needlessly describe it piece by piece. But Twist is the only part that only seems to be there for the art.
Plus, the best monster flicks involve one monster (or a hoard of them), I find. And strangely enough, it's that second phantom that gave the dream away for me. If it were only Twilight, I might have thought there was a bonafide ghost haunting going on. A second ghost and I can tell it's just somefilly's stupid brain being stupid.
That's all! Thanks so much for writing :v
Having experienced a degree of sleep paralysis when waking up from dreams, if describing this was the intent, it rang true. Definitely material to build a nightmare from (if this was indeed the pedestrian sort). Creepy imagery, but I had ran across the mention of sleep paralysis in another comment, which somewhat muted the suspense. Even so, I loved lines like "Screamed in silence until her lungs burned."
The transition when she wakes mixes things up, but was also difficult to follow; she instantly replied to deny it without giving any indication of her thought processes, so I was left to wonder: Is it some compulsion? Insta-forgetting? Lying?
I'm getting mixed signals, and just don't know what to conclude.
Overall, I found it atmospheric and descriptive, and does a good job cultivating a mood, but then when it came to translating that mood into an emotional impact, it caught me wrong-footed, and I came to the end not sure what it really meant, if anything.
The transition when she wakes mixes things up, but was also difficult to follow; she instantly replied to deny it without giving any indication of her thought processes, so I was left to wonder: Is it some compulsion? Insta-forgetting? Lying?
I'm getting mixed signals, and just don't know what to conclude.
Overall, I found it atmospheric and descriptive, and does a good job cultivating a mood, but then when it came to translating that mood into an emotional impact, it caught me wrong-footed, and I came to the end not sure what it really meant, if anything.
(Forced on mobile, have to be concise).
Some really great imagery here. In particular, the bit about Twilight's speech stuck out to me as vivid.
Now, as cool as all of the horror bits are, I'm going to have to echo some of our other reveiwers and say that there's not much of an overall payoff, here. Part of this comes from the fact that we're never given any evidence that any of these events are anything more than a sleep paralysis nightmare, so they feel kind of inconsequential.
A lot of mood/horror stories like these depend on escalations/twists at the end, and I think this could use one too. IMO, an unnerving hint that this experience was not entirely a dream would go a long way towards giving this story some staying power.
As it is right now, this is a strongly-written piece that just fell short of coming together perfectly for me.
Some really great imagery here. In particular, the bit about Twilight's speech stuck out to me as vivid.
Now, as cool as all of the horror bits are, I'm going to have to echo some of our other reveiwers and say that there's not much of an overall payoff, here. Part of this comes from the fact that we're never given any evidence that any of these events are anything more than a sleep paralysis nightmare, so they feel kind of inconsequential.
A lot of mood/horror stories like these depend on escalations/twists at the end, and I think this could use one too. IMO, an unnerving hint that this experience was not entirely a dream would go a long way towards giving this story some staying power.
As it is right now, this is a strongly-written piece that just fell short of coming together perfectly for me.
'Kay, let's talk about this real quick.
So, yes, this was a somewhat exaggerated, yet still faithful, depiction of my own experience with sleep paralysis. It happens to me often enough that I kinda know when it's happening and try to keep my eyes shut and ride it out, but there are times where the audio/visual hallucinations will still spook the hell out of me. Seeing tiny things skitter around in my room, people or creatures standing around, or being sucked into my furniture -- Apple Bloom getting swallowed by her bed is based on my earliest memory of sleep paralysis, where I felt my bedroom wall sucking me into what I assumed was Hell.
I'm glad I was able to spook people with it. But I acknowledge that it's less of a cohesive story, and more of a scene that could work as the basis of a story. I'm tempted to write it, but honestly, Apple Bloom suffering and being traumatized happens often enough in my work that it's a cliche. I think I'll just include it in my inevitable anthology of writeoff minifics that I didn't feel like expanding into full-length narratives.
Lemme respond to some specifics:
>>WritingSpirit
I see your point. Honestly, the hallucination taking the form of Twilight, as opposed to anyone else, came from the picture I based the story on; that's also why the mysterious Twist-filly pops up, too. I suppose it could have been anyone.
I'd argue that keeping it as someone with no reason to be there, as opposed to a more direct familial relation, is in line with the surreal nature of dreams, and of sleep paralysis in particular. But I could see a good argument for making it Appley-Jack instead.
>>Caliaponia
I'm not too sure what you're referring to here. Are you talking about Apple Bloom's initial actions upon waking, or about her remarks to Applejack, or about the moment where she fully shakes off the dream?
If it's the latter, then... actually, yeah, I see it. The transition from dreaming to waking isn't made clear enough. That's a problem I knew I was gonna have, because with sleep paralysis, there is no smooth transition between dreaming and waking; you're both, at the same time. For instance, I have a recurring thing where there's some kind of buggy (or snakey) thing in bed with me, and upon leaping up and turning around, I'll realize there's nothing in there; I won't see, or feel, whatever was in bed with me. Sometimes I won't even remember why I got up in the first place, and I'll just kinda fall back in, quietly disturbed.
And that sense of ambiguity and confusion is very difficult to illustrate in writing, when trying to maintain a cohesive narrative, and I don't think I did it well at all.
Thanks to everyone else who reviewed. I'm glad you enjoyed.
So, yes, this was a somewhat exaggerated, yet still faithful, depiction of my own experience with sleep paralysis. It happens to me often enough that I kinda know when it's happening and try to keep my eyes shut and ride it out, but there are times where the audio/visual hallucinations will still spook the hell out of me. Seeing tiny things skitter around in my room, people or creatures standing around, or being sucked into my furniture -- Apple Bloom getting swallowed by her bed is based on my earliest memory of sleep paralysis, where I felt my bedroom wall sucking me into what I assumed was Hell.
I'm glad I was able to spook people with it. But I acknowledge that it's less of a cohesive story, and more of a scene that could work as the basis of a story. I'm tempted to write it, but honestly, Apple Bloom suffering and being traumatized happens often enough in my work that it's a cliche. I think I'll just include it in my inevitable anthology of writeoff minifics that I didn't feel like expanding into full-length narratives.
Lemme respond to some specifics:
>>WritingSpirit
Personally, I'm not entirely sure that Twilight was your best pick to be the monster beneath her desk. I'm guessing she was used as a segue from Apple Bloom initially believing it was Princess Luna, but that didn't really go anywhere in the end. Twilight also didn't seem that close to Apple Bloom to begin with save for a few interactions in the show here and there.
To have Applejack in place of Twilight, however, I believe would bring more interesting developments to the table. I'd fear for Apple Bloom if I learned that she was being choked out of her life by her own sister. That dread would also be further amplified at the end when Applejack stops by at the door. It'll leave me questioning the sequence of events that happened and also wonder whether the danger has really gone away, which I think would do wonders for this entry.
I see your point. Honestly, the hallucination taking the form of Twilight, as opposed to anyone else, came from the picture I based the story on; that's also why the mysterious Twist-filly pops up, too. I suppose it could have been anyone.
I'd argue that keeping it as someone with no reason to be there, as opposed to a more direct familial relation, is in line with the surreal nature of dreams, and of sleep paralysis in particular. But I could see a good argument for making it Appley-Jack instead.
>>Caliaponia
The transition when she wakes mixes things up, but was also difficult to follow; she instantly replied to deny it without giving any indication of her thought processes, so I was left to wonder: Is it some compulsion? Insta-forgetting? Lying?
I'm getting mixed signals, and just don't know what to conclude.
I'm not too sure what you're referring to here. Are you talking about Apple Bloom's initial actions upon waking, or about her remarks to Applejack, or about the moment where she fully shakes off the dream?
If it's the latter, then... actually, yeah, I see it. The transition from dreaming to waking isn't made clear enough. That's a problem I knew I was gonna have, because with sleep paralysis, there is no smooth transition between dreaming and waking; you're both, at the same time. For instance, I have a recurring thing where there's some kind of buggy (or snakey) thing in bed with me, and upon leaping up and turning around, I'll realize there's nothing in there; I won't see, or feel, whatever was in bed with me. Sometimes I won't even remember why I got up in the first place, and I'll just kinda fall back in, quietly disturbed.
And that sense of ambiguity and confusion is very difficult to illustrate in writing, when trying to maintain a cohesive narrative, and I don't think I did it well at all.
Thanks to everyone else who reviewed. I'm glad you enjoyed.
>>Posh
I was scratching my head because Applebloom's immediate response "The bed's too deep; I almost fell right in." seemed at odds with what happened. I mean, yeah she was kind of stuck in the bed, but that felt kind of minor compared to creepy face creatures. And to be pedantic, she was pushed more then fell.
So if Applebloom remembered what happened, it seems like an odd thing to say, but if she forgot it, why would she be staring at where the creatures were?
I'm not too sure what you're referring to here. Are you talking about Apple Bloom's initial actions upon waking, or about her remarks to Applejack, or about the moment where she fully shakes off the dream?
I was scratching my head because Applebloom's immediate response "The bed's too deep; I almost fell right in." seemed at odds with what happened. I mean, yeah she was kind of stuck in the bed, but that felt kind of minor compared to creepy face creatures. And to be pedantic, she was pushed more then fell.
So if Applebloom remembered what happened, it seems like an odd thing to say, but if she forgot it, why would she be staring at where the creatures were?
>>Caliaponia Oh, that.
Apple Bloom is disoriented and saying things that don't entirely make sense. This is also based on my own experience with parasomnia, where I'll wake up noisily, someone will ask me if I'm okay, and I'll try to explain my experience in relatable terms that just end up being nonsense.
Apple Bloom is disoriented and saying things that don't entirely make sense. This is also based on my own experience with parasomnia, where I'll wake up noisily, someone will ask me if I'm okay, and I'll try to explain my experience in relatable terms that just end up being nonsense.