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Yes, Twilight, There is a Celestia
Twilight thought she had gotten used to surprises after being friends with Pinkie Pie for so long. Coming home from errands to find her parents and Princess Luna waiting in her throne room was still a shock.
"Mom, dad, Princess... what's going on." All three of them looked uncomfortable. They fidgeted, and never met her eyes for long.
Twilight sat down. "Is everything okay?" Her heart beat faster as a sense of dread began to rise out of her stomach.
Luna spoke first. "It's just something that should have happened a long time ago."
Twilight Velvet put on a fake smile. "No, don't worry, everything is fine. We just need to have a little talk, that's all."
"Ridiculous, rather," Luna said.
"O-kay," Twilight said. Their attempts at reassurance did nothing for her fears.
"It's a talk everypony has at some point. And I know we should have sat down with you sooner, but there was just never a good time for it, and you were always so excited that we didn't want to—"
Luna cleared her throat.
Velvet winced. "Ah, well, you see, it's Celestia. She isn't real, honey."
"I don't have a sister. Ponies just assume there is a sun princess because I rule the night."
Twilight stared. Either she had gone mad, or her mom had. She wasn't sure which possibility she was more afraid of. "What in Equestria are you talking about? She was my teacher. She's a Princess, she makes the sun rise."
Luna stared at her. "Twilight, the sun is too big to move. You are an expert in magic, you know this."
Velvet shook her head sadly. Night Light wrapped a hoof around her. "This is why we didn't want to tell you. We knew you'd be so disappointed. But she's just a story."
"A stubborn one too. Though usually harmless. For ponies who have real observational and logical skills."
"You guys are kidding, right?" Twilight kept looking back and forth between them. There was nothing but sincerity and regret in their faces.
She held her head in her hooves. It didn't stop the world from spinning. "That's not possible. I've met Celestia. If she's not real than who was my teacher? Who sent me to Ponyville?" She waved a hoof around. "I'm here, I have all this because of Celestia. How can she not be real?"
"It's us, Twilight," Night Light said. "We've been dressing up as Celestia for you."
"How you ever believed it is beyond me," Luna said.
"That's... that's not possible." Twilight had to grip the table to stay upright. In her head was a neat, organized catalog of every second she had spent with Celestia. She began reviewing every bit of her mental archives for any signs of the truth. Twilight shook her head. "No. No, no, nonono."
"It was just my former friends who banished me. You know, the ponies whose descendants ruled for the millennium I was gone?" She conjured an image of five ponies facing her in battle.
In response, Twilight's parents levitated an empty costume from behind their seats. The set down the expanse of white fabric in front of Twilight. The head looked at Twilight with bright purple eyes. She stroked it with her hoof. "I can't believe it. I'm the only princess in Equestria and nopony even told me."
"Excuse me?!" Luna said. Her mane billowed angrily.
"We're very sorry," her parents said. "We didn't mean to lie to you. Celestia is just supposed to be something fun for foals, like Santa Hooves. But you were so caught up in it we didn't have the heart to tell you the truth. Not until Luna made us come down here." They were hugging each other.
"Something I should not have needed to do," Luna said. "And what did you mean, 'only princess?' There are three more."
But the end of their explanation had been lost. Twilight had stopped listening halfway through, her mind caught on the horrible words that rang in her ears like shattering glass. "What do you mean, Santa Hooves?"
"Mom, dad, Princess... what's going on." All three of them looked uncomfortable. They fidgeted, and never met her eyes for long.
Twilight sat down. "Is everything okay?" Her heart beat faster as a sense of dread began to rise out of her stomach.
Luna spoke first. "It's just something that should have happened a long time ago."
Twilight Velvet put on a fake smile. "No, don't worry, everything is fine. We just need to have a little talk, that's all."
"Ridiculous, rather," Luna said.
"O-kay," Twilight said. Their attempts at reassurance did nothing for her fears.
"It's a talk everypony has at some point. And I know we should have sat down with you sooner, but there was just never a good time for it, and you were always so excited that we didn't want to—"
Luna cleared her throat.
Velvet winced. "Ah, well, you see, it's Celestia. She isn't real, honey."
"I don't have a sister. Ponies just assume there is a sun princess because I rule the night."
Twilight stared. Either she had gone mad, or her mom had. She wasn't sure which possibility she was more afraid of. "What in Equestria are you talking about? She was my teacher. She's a Princess, she makes the sun rise."
Luna stared at her. "Twilight, the sun is too big to move. You are an expert in magic, you know this."
Velvet shook her head sadly. Night Light wrapped a hoof around her. "This is why we didn't want to tell you. We knew you'd be so disappointed. But she's just a story."
"A stubborn one too. Though usually harmless. For ponies who have real observational and logical skills."
"You guys are kidding, right?" Twilight kept looking back and forth between them. There was nothing but sincerity and regret in their faces.
She held her head in her hooves. It didn't stop the world from spinning. "That's not possible. I've met Celestia. If she's not real than who was my teacher? Who sent me to Ponyville?" She waved a hoof around. "I'm here, I have all this because of Celestia. How can she not be real?"
"It's us, Twilight," Night Light said. "We've been dressing up as Celestia for you."
"How you ever believed it is beyond me," Luna said.
"That's... that's not possible." Twilight had to grip the table to stay upright. In her head was a neat, organized catalog of every second she had spent with Celestia. She began reviewing every bit of her mental archives for any signs of the truth. Twilight shook her head. "No. No, no, nonono."
"It was just my former friends who banished me. You know, the ponies whose descendants ruled for the millennium I was gone?" She conjured an image of five ponies facing her in battle.
In response, Twilight's parents levitated an empty costume from behind their seats. The set down the expanse of white fabric in front of Twilight. The head looked at Twilight with bright purple eyes. She stroked it with her hoof. "I can't believe it. I'm the only princess in Equestria and nopony even told me."
"Excuse me?!" Luna said. Her mane billowed angrily.
"We're very sorry," her parents said. "We didn't mean to lie to you. Celestia is just supposed to be something fun for foals, like Santa Hooves. But you were so caught up in it we didn't have the heart to tell you the truth. Not until Luna made us come down here." They were hugging each other.
"Something I should not have needed to do," Luna said. "And what did you mean, 'only princess?' There are three more."
But the end of their explanation had been lost. Twilight had stopped listening halfway through, her mind caught on the horrible words that rang in her ears like shattering glass. "What do you mean, Santa Hooves?"
Pics
There are a couple typos just in the first few paragraphs, and you'd really like to see a story start off well to create a good first impression. And there ended up being several more pretty prominent typos.
This is a funny premise, and it's structured fine. The ending was nice. Not exactly a surprise that she would react badly, but the double whammy of spoiling Santa Hooves for her heightened the effect.
Really, the main criticism I have of this is that the logic doesn't seem to work. I can get wacky cartoon logic for comedy's sake, but... it's obvious the sun isn't controlled by magic, but somehow the moon is? If not, Luna never denied it. And the extreme lengths they all went to to impersonate Celestia? Asking her to write friendship reports, her friends also getting in on writing them, publishing the book, Celestia transferring her magic to her... That's a whole lot more than the casual "this is a talk we eventually have to have with everypony" would equate to. So for me, there's a larger disconnect that I can't bridge with comic wackiness alone. I would have liked a little more rationalization, or maybe a "Twilight imagined all that and they're very concerned about her."
Not bad, I like the idea, but it needs a little more to complete it.
This is a funny premise, and it's structured fine. The ending was nice. Not exactly a surprise that she would react badly, but the double whammy of spoiling Santa Hooves for her heightened the effect.
Really, the main criticism I have of this is that the logic doesn't seem to work. I can get wacky cartoon logic for comedy's sake, but... it's obvious the sun isn't controlled by magic, but somehow the moon is? If not, Luna never denied it. And the extreme lengths they all went to to impersonate Celestia? Asking her to write friendship reports, her friends also getting in on writing them, publishing the book, Celestia transferring her magic to her... That's a whole lot more than the casual "this is a talk we eventually have to have with everypony" would equate to. So for me, there's a larger disconnect that I can't bridge with comic wackiness alone. I would have liked a little more rationalization, or maybe a "Twilight imagined all that and they're very concerned about her."
Not bad, I like the idea, but it needs a little more to complete it.
I thought:
You were going for the double twist when Twilight said, "I'm the only princess in Equestria." I thought Luna was going to object, no one in the scene was going to notice, and Luna was going to vanish in a puff of logic when it turned out that she isn't real, either. But that twist doesn't happen, so I can't figure out what Twilight's line quoted above actually means.
So yeah, this is a fun idea. But I'd recommend pushing it even further in the direction you've already hinted at: Equestria in fact only has one princess, and it's Twilight.
Mike
You were going for the double twist when Twilight said, "I'm the only princess in Equestria." I thought Luna was going to object, no one in the scene was going to notice, and Luna was going to vanish in a puff of logic when it turned out that she isn't real, either. But that twist doesn't happen, so I can't figure out what Twilight's line quoted above actually means.
So yeah, this is a fun idea. But I'd recommend pushing it even further in the direction you've already hinted at: Equestria in fact only has one princess, and it's Twilight.
Mike
This tries to be a comedy, and bless it for that, but it didn't do much for me, personally. Comedy's a subjective thing, I realize, and a comedy that made other people laugh while failing to elicit any such reaction from me might mean that I'm the outlier, but... I don't know. I felt that you stretched the Santa Claus metaphor a little too tautly through most of the story, and that joke only had so much potential to begin with.
Then you openly mention "Santa Hooves" at the end, and the subtext stops being subtextual. And now that I think about it, I think I understand exactly why this didn't land for me.
Sorry, guy. :/
Then you openly mention "Santa Hooves" at the end, and the subtext stops being subtextual. And now that I think about it, I think I understand exactly why this didn't land for me.
Sorry, guy. :/
I... liked this a little more than everyone else seems to. There's not much to it, but you've got 750 words--you're not exactly going to be writing A Confederacy of Dunces here!
Anyway, it's a rather one-note joke, but the execution was pretty competent, and Luna's indignation at the end (as well as Twilight's blatant forgetting of her) got a chuckle. >>Baal Bunny mentioned how they thought that particular train of plot was going to play out, and I agree you could have done more with it; it was certainly the funnier bit of the story, as the Santa Claus equivalent is an old trope. But this was still a decent effort, and decently funny. Good luck author!
Anyway, it's a rather one-note joke, but the execution was pretty competent, and Luna's indignation at the end (as well as Twilight's blatant forgetting of her) got a chuckle. >>Baal Bunny mentioned how they thought that particular train of plot was going to play out, and I agree you could have done more with it; it was certainly the funnier bit of the story, as the Santa Claus equivalent is an old trope. But this was still a decent effort, and decently funny. Good luck author!
Okay, this kind of deadpan absurdist comedy is just up my alley. It kind of reminds me of Georg's "My Brother, the Tooth", with the whole ridiculous concept being calmly conveyed to a distraught Twilight. What I'm saying is, I like your central joke.
Now, unfortunately, I will have to agree with a couple of our other reviewers that the joke feels a little stretched thin. Part of that might come from your pacing. Twilight isn't shown the reveal until almost two hundred words in, and then we have basically prefunctory explanations and denials all the way past halfway of the wordcount. By then you've only got a scant couple of hundred words left to capitalize on the comedic situation. I think you might have been able to get away with starting the story at a cold-cut of Twilight's "You guys are kidding, right?" line.
I think the most potential for humor comes at the point that Twilight begins to believe what's being told to her, enough to actually despair. As the story is right now, you don't have enough to have her react much more than mumbling "No, no, no". So from my perspective, your ability to squeeze in secondary jokes is limited. You need to escalate the premise and find a way to make it even more ridiculous. Currently, the only escalation of the situation is the Santa Hooves joke at the end, which is, IMO, the best part of the story. But on its own, it's not quite enough to carry the whole thing,
So in the end, I love the idea behind this story, but unfortunately I didn't laugh all that often. Give yourself more space to work with the situation that you've made, and I think you'll be able to squeeze out a much higher mileage of laughs per word than what we've working with right now.
Now, unfortunately, I will have to agree with a couple of our other reviewers that the joke feels a little stretched thin. Part of that might come from your pacing. Twilight isn't shown the reveal until almost two hundred words in, and then we have basically prefunctory explanations and denials all the way past halfway of the wordcount. By then you've only got a scant couple of hundred words left to capitalize on the comedic situation. I think you might have been able to get away with starting the story at a cold-cut of Twilight's "You guys are kidding, right?" line.
I think the most potential for humor comes at the point that Twilight begins to believe what's being told to her, enough to actually despair. As the story is right now, you don't have enough to have her react much more than mumbling "No, no, no". So from my perspective, your ability to squeeze in secondary jokes is limited. You need to escalate the premise and find a way to make it even more ridiculous. Currently, the only escalation of the situation is the Santa Hooves joke at the end, which is, IMO, the best part of the story. But on its own, it's not quite enough to carry the whole thing,
So in the end, I love the idea behind this story, but unfortunately I didn't laugh all that often. Give yourself more space to work with the situation that you've made, and I think you'll be able to squeeze out a much higher mileage of laughs per word than what we've working with right now.
The premise of this is... crazy, to say the least. Kind of Truman Show-esque with how extensive and deep the cover would be for Twilight's parents and Luna to keep her convinced all this time that Celestia was a real pony.
However, how it was handled was quite barebones. Celestia was so intertwined into Twilight's life that I find it hard to believe that it'd all be over without that much visible damage or reaction. Perhaps that's for after the story (hence the final paragraph), but the story still doesn't convey something that's world-breaking for Twilight.
Overall, it's fun but not as realistic as it should be (at least concerning Twilight's reactions).
However, how it was handled was quite barebones. Celestia was so intertwined into Twilight's life that I find it hard to believe that it'd all be over without that much visible damage or reaction. Perhaps that's for after the story (hence the final paragraph), but the story still doesn't convey something that's world-breaking for Twilight.
Overall, it's fun but not as realistic as it should be (at least concerning Twilight's reactions).
As a hypothetical, if this conversation were to play out a little more honestly, Luna and Twilight's parents would have to give twilight a moment to process what she's just been told. It's pretty shocking, and hard to piece together.
I'm not saying you should give her, or us, that time to process this news. I'm saying the opposite. Author, my advice to you, is to not give the reader that moment, at any point in the story. If you're going to go absurdist, go headfirst. Cadance, she's real, but your brother isn't. Canterlot is a soundstage. Thunderstorms? Hoax. We get the pegasi to do it. Oh, you already knew that? Then what are we paying them for? Hey don't ask how much money is going into protecting your fantasy world, Twilight, you can't ask your parents about their finances.
My point is, with absurd comedy, unless you're going to say something even more absurd, don't explain things, because it encourages jerks like >>Pascoite to poke holes in your story. Give the reader no time to understand that dumb thing you just said, and then say something dumber.
But that's just my take on it. One last note: the opening two sentences threw me a little. It made me feel that pinkie would be a character in the story. And having your parents and a friend visit you uninvited, while weird, is nowhere near as weird as pinkie pie.
In conclusion... this story gave me a few chuckles. But there's so much untapped potential there. Thanks for writing and entering, and good luck in the shakedown!
I'm not saying you should give her, or us, that time to process this news. I'm saying the opposite. Author, my advice to you, is to not give the reader that moment, at any point in the story. If you're going to go absurdist, go headfirst. Cadance, she's real, but your brother isn't. Canterlot is a soundstage. Thunderstorms? Hoax. We get the pegasi to do it. Oh, you already knew that? Then what are we paying them for? Hey don't ask how much money is going into protecting your fantasy world, Twilight, you can't ask your parents about their finances.
My point is, with absurd comedy, unless you're going to say something even more absurd, don't explain things, because it encourages jerks like >>Pascoite to poke holes in your story. Give the reader no time to understand that dumb thing you just said, and then say something dumber.
But that's just my take on it. One last note: the opening two sentences threw me a little. It made me feel that pinkie would be a character in the story. And having your parents and a friend visit you uninvited, while weird, is nowhere near as weird as pinkie pie.
In conclusion... this story gave me a few chuckles. But there's so much untapped potential there. Thanks for writing and entering, and good luck in the shakedown!
Impossible to take seriously, but amusing.
The standout piece was the humor, of course, with the other elements doing serviceable jobs, but not really noteworthy one way or the other.
I noticed a bit of show/tell redundancy; "O-kay," Twilight said. Their attempts at reassurance did nothing for her fears. to me, the "O-kay" removes the need for the second half.
It definitely plays to a particular sense of humor. The trick for me was managing the cognitive dissonance of laughing at Twilight despite realizing that she's right and the premise really doesn't make sense at all.
The twist at the end into our more traditional absurdity (without the dissonance) worked for me in juicing just a bit extra humor into it, as did the Luna bit.
So good job, I laughed.
The standout piece was the humor, of course, with the other elements doing serviceable jobs, but not really noteworthy one way or the other.
I noticed a bit of show/tell redundancy; "O-kay," Twilight said. Their attempts at reassurance did nothing for her fears. to me, the "O-kay" removes the need for the second half.
It definitely plays to a particular sense of humor. The trick for me was managing the cognitive dissonance of laughing at Twilight despite realizing that she's right and the premise really doesn't make sense at all.
The twist at the end into our more traditional absurdity (without the dissonance) worked for me in juicing just a bit extra humor into it, as did the Luna bit.
So good job, I laughed.
First off, I just wanna say that I was amused at how impatient and sour Princess Luna is throughout their whole exchange. I can only imagine the number of times she had experienced this in the course of her life to warrant such uncouth behavior.
Apart from that, I'm pretty much alright with his entry. Being the cynical prick I am, comedies rarely garner my interest unless they're surreal and absurd enough with the scenario, or that they're acerbic enough to set some people off. This one obviously lands on the former, though like with Bachi and Miller before me, I don't think it went far enough to really win me over. I'm not really a big fan of the 'Individual X isn't real after all' gimmick as well, at least not in its simplest iteration. Perhaps with a little more work, this could become something special, though if you'd ask me to do it, I'd be clueless as to how to really take things to that next level.
Nevertheless, thanks for writing, and good luck!
Apart from that, I'm pretty much alright with his entry. Being the cynical prick I am, comedies rarely garner my interest unless they're surreal and absurd enough with the scenario, or that they're acerbic enough to set some people off. This one obviously lands on the former, though like with Bachi and Miller before me, I don't think it went far enough to really win me over. I'm not really a big fan of the 'Individual X isn't real after all' gimmick as well, at least not in its simplest iteration. Perhaps with a little more work, this could become something special, though if you'd ask me to do it, I'd be clueless as to how to really take things to that next level.
Nevertheless, thanks for writing, and good luck!