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In Your Quietest Voice
The mare walks carefully. Not quite cautiously; there is no fear in her step. Just learned deliberateness, each movement chosen with care.
Ponies gush about the peace of the country. But the rustle of leaves, the chirp and hum of insects, the rushing of the brook—the ground is loud. Not like the city she calls home now. Up in the air, you only hear the wind around your ears, the air inside your lungs, the beating of your heart. She doesn't mind the ground. But she always feels a little less free.
Birdsong, tinged with something familiar. Picking up the pace, she rounds the corner—
Fluttershy looks up. Smiles, soft and sad and merciless.
Ponies gush about the peace of the country. But the rustle of leaves, the chirp and hum of insects, the rushing of the brook—the ground is loud. Not like the city she calls home now. Up in the air, you only hear the wind around your ears, the air inside your lungs, the beating of your heart. She doesn't mind the ground. But she always feels a little less free.
Birdsong, tinged with something familiar. Picking up the pace, she rounds the corner—
Fluttershy looks up. Smiles, soft and sad and merciless.
“It’s good to see you, Rainbow.”
A golden fin breaks the water, and her reflection ripples. The breeze swirls around her, fending off the summer sun, as her wings flap steadily. Her friends take flight in their underwater sky and she is content.
The sky doesn't often bring her relief. It is too open, unbound and untameable. Nature, for all its wildness, is grounded, and she can carve out her own little fiefdom at her leisure. In the air she can feel herself losing grip, as if she might float off into the blue, never to return. Better to be queen of the riverside, a big fish in a small pond. No room for guppies in the ocean.
There is a rustling from the riverbank. She looks up. Smiles, soft and sad and pitiless.
The sky doesn't often bring her relief. It is too open, unbound and untameable. Nature, for all its wildness, is grounded, and she can carve out her own little fiefdom at her leisure. In the air she can feel herself losing grip, as if she might float off into the blue, never to return. Better to be queen of the riverside, a big fish in a small pond. No room for guppies in the ocean.
There is a rustling from the riverbank. She looks up. Smiles, soft and sad and pitiless.
The cottage hasn’t changed. She’s not sure why she thinks it might have. The same chipped mugs, ugly mismatched floral patterns abounding. Hers still had the crack running through it from when she had dropped it, nearly ten years ago. The same stained teapot, the same slightly crooked photo above the same sagging couch. The same cozy atmosphere, maintained without fail for decades now.
Rainbow sort of hates it. And, watching her oldest friend fuss over the kettle, she hates herself for hating it.
Rainbow sort of hates it. And, watching her oldest friend fuss over the kettle, she hates herself for hating it.
The gentle trickle of tea reminds her of the brook outside, and soothes something in her breast that she doesn’t want to name. This place is her fortress. It is hers to the foundations, to the roots that thread it and bind it to the earth below. The outside world is wide and harsh, but here she has faced gods and walked away unchanged, unafraid.
She can do the same with Rainbow.
She can do the same with Rainbow.
“I put your things in a box. It’s on the landing, upstairs.”
“You didn’t have to.”
“It was the least I could do.”
“No, Flutters, I mean you didn’t have t-”
She lowers the tea she was cradling, settling it. Grounding her.
“I think I did. We gave it our best shot, Rainbow. It’s been a long time.”
Rainbow’s face has quieted with time, but her eyes burn with the conviction of their younger years. Fluttershy's heart aches at it.
“I don’t want to lose you. Not like this.”
“You won’t. We’ll see each other next month, at Pinkie’s. Her youngest just graduated.”
“That’s not what I meant! We can make this work, Fluttershy. I’ve stopped smoking. I’ll commute more often, work less hours.”
“It might work for a while. But you’d hate it, Rainbow. The academy is your life.”
“You’re my life.”
“Not anymore.”
A pause, then gently:
“We’re allowed to grow apart, love.”
Rainbow sags back, blinking tiredly. The conviction in her eyes is replaced with dull acceptance, resentment. That too is familiar.
There is a pause.
There is a pause.
“Pinkie’s youngest. That the pegasus? Floppy ear?”
“That’s the one.”
“Think she’ll bring that boy of hers? Pinkie’s been wanting to meet him for years.”
She laughs, sipping her tea.
“Perhaps.”
Smiles, sad and sweet and weightless.
The mare walks carefully, balancing her box under one wing. Her steps are heavy now.
She stops, stares into the river. The fish flit about. Rainbow has never loved animals the way Fluttershy does, and she has come to love them less.
Her face is tired. She looks old, feels it too. It’s a novel experience, and she doesn’t like it.
Rainbow sets down the box, then reaches back and rummages through her saddle bags. A few moments produce a crumpled pack of cigarettes and a cheap lighter. She sets one between her teeth and takes a long, bitter drag, gazing over the river at sights she has seen a thousand times. The smoke floats up into the open sky.
Eventually, she turns away.
She stops, stares into the river. The fish flit about. Rainbow has never loved animals the way Fluttershy does, and she has come to love them less.
Her face is tired. She looks old, feels it too. It’s a novel experience, and she doesn’t like it.
Rainbow sets down the box, then reaches back and rummages through her saddle bags. A few moments produce a crumpled pack of cigarettes and a cheap lighter. She sets one between her teeth and takes a long, bitter drag, gazing over the river at sights she has seen a thousand times. The smoke floats up into the open sky.
Eventually, she turns away.
Pics
The emotions are conveyed fairly well here.
I have a bit of trouble with the idea of a dedicated, strong-willed athlete like Rainbow smoking, but... eh. It fits in fairly well with the scene you're painting.
The justification stuff felt gimmicky to me. I think this would be perfectly understandable and more readable without it; I didn't see any bits where it seemed more useful than just sticking to normal convention. Sure, there's always something to be said for making stuff weirder, but I'm not sure it's worth it here. Well, if people stop experimenting in writeoff minific rounds, I'll be sad, but yeah. Part of that might be because it doesn't seem consistent; in the first scene, I think that's Fluttershy with the right-justify, while in the fourth, it's Rainbow?
I'm not sure the first two scenes are doing much for me. They feel sort of... floaty and loose, which helps set the mood, but other than that, they just kinda exist. I feel like the 'smile' kickers are supposed to be conveying something, but I'm not picking up on anything really concrete. As-is, I think I could read this from the beginning of the fourth scene, and get nearly the same impact. It might be because it took me several reads to figure out who's doing what where, and I'm still not sure I've got it. Rainbow is walking, while Fluttershy is on the riverbank? I originally scanned it as being the other way around, since I assumed the walking mare was the one speaking in the first scene... tightening up your action tags would help, and I don't think keeping names out at first is very useful... although I guess I'm not really sure what you're going for here.
Anyways, I'm a fan of the 'multiple small scenes' thing in minifics. It can be difficult to do, but it can also give a lot of weight to a very short story.
On the whole, I enjoyed this. Thanks for writing!
I have a bit of trouble with the idea of a dedicated, strong-willed athlete like Rainbow smoking, but... eh. It fits in fairly well with the scene you're painting.
The justification stuff felt gimmicky to me. I think this would be perfectly understandable and more readable without it; I didn't see any bits where it seemed more useful than just sticking to normal convention. Sure, there's always something to be said for making stuff weirder, but I'm not sure it's worth it here. Well, if people stop experimenting in writeoff minific rounds, I'll be sad, but yeah. Part of that might be because it doesn't seem consistent; in the first scene, I think that's Fluttershy with the right-justify, while in the fourth, it's Rainbow?
I'm not sure the first two scenes are doing much for me. They feel sort of... floaty and loose, which helps set the mood, but other than that, they just kinda exist. I feel like the 'smile' kickers are supposed to be conveying something, but I'm not picking up on anything really concrete. As-is, I think I could read this from the beginning of the fourth scene, and get nearly the same impact. It might be because it took me several reads to figure out who's doing what where, and I'm still not sure I've got it. Rainbow is walking, while Fluttershy is on the riverbank? I originally scanned it as being the other way around, since I assumed the walking mare was the one speaking in the first scene... tightening up your action tags would help, and I don't think keeping names out at first is very useful... although I guess I'm not really sure what you're going for here.
Anyways, I'm a fan of the 'multiple small scenes' thing in minifics. It can be difficult to do, but it can also give a lot of weight to a very short story.
On the whole, I enjoyed this. Thanks for writing!
The atmosphere here is great, and I like the visual formatting, which almost makes it poetic. On the whole I'll say I rather liked it, because those are the big things. The problems were a lot of small ones and one kind of big.
So, for the structure. You have 5 scenes, the first two in Fluttershy's POV, then you alternate. By the time I get to the third, especially in a story this short, I've already been conditioned to think the whole story will be from Fluttershy's POV, so it was a bit jarring to switch to Dash's. After the first time, it's less jarring, since it's precedented. (Huh. Spell check says "unprecedented" is fine but not "precedented.") But what do we really gain by going into Dash's POV? I learned that she didn't like the kettle and her dislike troubled her, but I have to think that's something Fluttershy could have read from her. And the last scene certainly wasn't anything that required being grounded in Dash's POV. So I don't understand why you didn't just stick with Fluttershy the whole time.
Then the way you ended the first scene: "Smiles, soft and sad and merciless." The second one ends "Smiles, soft and sad and pitiless." I liked the connection, that you were changing only one word to morph from one thing to another. At least it seemed like you were doing this intentionally. Then the third scene didn't have such an ending. Maybe justifiably, since it had switched to Dash's POV, but I think continuing that thematic repetition would be even more grounds for keeping everything in Fluttershy's POV. Then the fourth scene ends "Smiles, sad and sweet and weightless." Same phrasing, but you changed two of the words this time. It breaks the pattern, possibly fits a new one, though if you increase the number of changes each time, it's not sustainable after the next time, and there's no more of them to see what a more complex pattern would be. Finally, the last scene doesn't have such an ending, again maybe because it's in Dash's POV.
We're seeing a watershed moment in their relationship, and that hit me the wrong way for two reasons. One, because the story had seemed to focus more on being atmospheric. Through the first two scenes, it was clear Fluttershy was melancholy, but not that something this climactic was on the way. So it was a bit of mood whiplash. But then the climax doesn't even feel properly built up to. We're conditioned to care about these two characters because we've spent years watching and writing and reading them, but were this original fiction, I'd have no investment in seeing them work it out. All I know is that Fluttershy doesn't like Dash's work hours and smoking habit, but those are pretty generic, and also seem on the low end of a reason to break up a long-term relationship. Unless they were of much more importance to Fluttershy than they'd be to the average person, but there's no evidence of that in the story. I'm not getting a lot of reason to care beyond the default "breakups suck."
A pleasure to read, but it feels thin on the background, and a few of the structural decisions threw me for a loop.
So, for the structure. You have 5 scenes, the first two in Fluttershy's POV, then you alternate. By the time I get to the third, especially in a story this short, I've already been conditioned to think the whole story will be from Fluttershy's POV, so it was a bit jarring to switch to Dash's. After the first time, it's less jarring, since it's precedented. (Huh. Spell check says "unprecedented" is fine but not "precedented.") But what do we really gain by going into Dash's POV? I learned that she didn't like the kettle and her dislike troubled her, but I have to think that's something Fluttershy could have read from her. And the last scene certainly wasn't anything that required being grounded in Dash's POV. So I don't understand why you didn't just stick with Fluttershy the whole time.
Then the way you ended the first scene: "Smiles, soft and sad and merciless." The second one ends "Smiles, soft and sad and pitiless." I liked the connection, that you were changing only one word to morph from one thing to another. At least it seemed like you were doing this intentionally. Then the third scene didn't have such an ending. Maybe justifiably, since it had switched to Dash's POV, but I think continuing that thematic repetition would be even more grounds for keeping everything in Fluttershy's POV. Then the fourth scene ends "Smiles, sad and sweet and weightless." Same phrasing, but you changed two of the words this time. It breaks the pattern, possibly fits a new one, though if you increase the number of changes each time, it's not sustainable after the next time, and there's no more of them to see what a more complex pattern would be. Finally, the last scene doesn't have such an ending, again maybe because it's in Dash's POV.
We're seeing a watershed moment in their relationship, and that hit me the wrong way for two reasons. One, because the story had seemed to focus more on being atmospheric. Through the first two scenes, it was clear Fluttershy was melancholy, but not that something this climactic was on the way. So it was a bit of mood whiplash. But then the climax doesn't even feel properly built up to. We're conditioned to care about these two characters because we've spent years watching and writing and reading them, but were this original fiction, I'd have no investment in seeing them work it out. All I know is that Fluttershy doesn't like Dash's work hours and smoking habit, but those are pretty generic, and also seem on the low end of a reason to break up a long-term relationship. Unless they were of much more importance to Fluttershy than they'd be to the average person, but there's no evidence of that in the story. I'm not getting a lot of reason to care beyond the default "breakups suck."
A pleasure to read, but it feels thin on the background, and a few of the structural decisions threw me for a loop.
The left-right thing with the dialogue is a bit of gimmick, but that's not necessarily bad. I liked it at least. Less sure about RD smoking? Seems a bit odd. And the "Smiles, sweet and sad and ___" repetition didn't quite go anywhere.
It feels like there's a lot you're not saying here--purposefully. It's atmospheric, maybe overly so, but I like it quite a lot. Once the results are out, I wouldn't mind hearing a little more about this.
It feels like there's a lot you're not saying here--purposefully. It's atmospheric, maybe overly so, but I like it quite a lot. Once the results are out, I wouldn't mind hearing a little more about this.
On my first read I had difficulty following the characters at times, particularly in the beginning, where I wasn't sure who was speaking.
I can't say I'm a fan of the smoking either, but fics gotta fic, and it could be for the 'smoke' part of the 'smoke and mirrors'
There's some nicely understated drama here. It takes some time to come into focus, and benefits from the second read.
I appreciated some of the subtle shadings of emotion that the phrasing achieved, such as 'allowed to grow apart' and 'come to love them less'
Descriptions / body language were on the sparse side, and I'm not the biggest fan of the use of alignment to denote speaker. It did work, however, and there's the word limit to keep in mind.
I can't say I'm a fan of the smoking either, but fics gotta fic, and it could be for the 'smoke' part of the 'smoke and mirrors'
There's some nicely understated drama here. It takes some time to come into focus, and benefits from the second read.
I appreciated some of the subtle shadings of emotion that the phrasing achieved, such as 'allowed to grow apart' and 'come to love them less'
Descriptions / body language were on the sparse side, and I'm not the biggest fan of the use of alignment to denote speaker. It did work, however, and there's the word limit to keep in mind.
I got:
That the first section is Rainbow's POV--the talk about living in a cloud city and how much freer the sky is than the ground and all--but since so many folks are having trouble, a little more showing that it's her would definitely be in order. Also, in the rest of the piece, Fluttershy's lines are scooted over on the left, but her line at the end of that first section is scooted over to the right. That might be adding to the collective confusion.
It's the second section, though, that threw me. We're in Fluttershy's POV, but I can't quite see her thinking of herself as "a big fish in a small pond." More in character would be "a small fish in a small pond," seems to me. And then having the final word of the section be "pitiless"? Maybe she would think that she's determined to be pitiless or that she needs to be pitiless to get through this. Unless you're trying to convey that she's changed a lot with the passage of time? I couldn't figure it out, though.
I also got confused by the line "Think she’ll bring that boy of hers? Pinkie’s been wanting to meet him for years." It sounds to me like Rainbow's saying that Pinkie's youngest, who's just graduated from something, has a son who Pinkie's never met. Is that what's happening there? 'Cause that opens a whole 'nother confusing can of narrative worms...
Still, I always like when the dust and ashes stage of a relationship is shown in such a tamped down fashion. And this does that really well.
Mike
That the first section is Rainbow's POV--the talk about living in a cloud city and how much freer the sky is than the ground and all--but since so many folks are having trouble, a little more showing that it's her would definitely be in order. Also, in the rest of the piece, Fluttershy's lines are scooted over on the left, but her line at the end of that first section is scooted over to the right. That might be adding to the collective confusion.
It's the second section, though, that threw me. We're in Fluttershy's POV, but I can't quite see her thinking of herself as "a big fish in a small pond." More in character would be "a small fish in a small pond," seems to me. And then having the final word of the section be "pitiless"? Maybe she would think that she's determined to be pitiless or that she needs to be pitiless to get through this. Unless you're trying to convey that she's changed a lot with the passage of time? I couldn't figure it out, though.
I also got confused by the line "Think she’ll bring that boy of hers? Pinkie’s been wanting to meet him for years." It sounds to me like Rainbow's saying that Pinkie's youngest, who's just graduated from something, has a son who Pinkie's never met. Is that what's happening there? 'Cause that opens a whole 'nother confusing can of narrative worms...
Still, I always like when the dust and ashes stage of a relationship is shown in such a tamped down fashion. And this does that really well.
Mike
Diverging from the pack a bit and saying I loved the left-right justified speaker notation. It really helps to sell the "growing apart" idea, since even their speech is starting from opposite ends of the page now. And, of course, the narrator bits are center justified, because telling the story doesn't mean picking a side.
A couple of Rainbow's lines are a little long and brush up against the left margin, but that may be my page size being too small on my laptop rather than a proper formatting issue, but something to consider.
The subject matter has been done probably a thousand times, but that doesn't mean a well-done thousand and first isn't worth the while. In particular, Flutters being the wizened, mature, strong-willed one of the two is a pleasant experience.
A couple of Rainbow's lines are a little long and brush up against the left margin, but that may be my page size being too small on my laptop rather than a proper formatting issue, but something to consider.
The subject matter has been done probably a thousand times, but that doesn't mean a well-done thousand and first isn't worth the while. In particular, Flutters being the wizened, mature, strong-willed one of the two is a pleasant experience.
(Forced on mobile, have to be concise).
I see that some other reviewers had trouble with the perspective shifts, but I'll offer my own reading experience and say that I personally caught on pretty quickly and painlessly.
Now, I'm a big fan of your prose, and I'm always jealous when I see someone pull off these mood-heavy styles. But I'll have to note that I'm not sure how much mileage I got out of the formatting trick.
As for the story itself, I'm a huge sucker for break-up fics, and I think this executed well on its premise. I love how Fluttershy is the one taking the lead; it did a good job to me to imply a lot of character growth.
Overall, probably my favorite this round. Thanks for writing it!
I see that some other reviewers had trouble with the perspective shifts, but I'll offer my own reading experience and say that I personally caught on pretty quickly and painlessly.
Now, I'm a big fan of your prose, and I'm always jealous when I see someone pull off these mood-heavy styles. But I'll have to note that I'm not sure how much mileage I got out of the formatting trick.
As for the story itself, I'm a huge sucker for break-up fics, and I think this executed well on its premise. I love how Fluttershy is the one taking the lead; it did a good job to me to imply a lot of character growth.
Overall, probably my favorite this round. Thanks for writing it!
I can't say that I have much to add that my esteemed colleagues haven't already said. My fault for putting off reviews until tonight, I suppose.
I can say (broadly) that I found the emotions in here to be weighty, but that weight's thrown off by the theme of lost, fading love being... somewhat ill-conveyed. The first two paragraphs don't work as effectively to set up the conflict as they should.
I'm also not sure I see anybody identifying Fluttershy as merciless or pitiless, and certainly not Fluttershy herself. I also don't see why she's either of those things. She seems to be letting Dashie down kindly.
I can say (broadly) that I found the emotions in here to be weighty, but that weight's thrown off by the theme of lost, fading love being... somewhat ill-conveyed. The first two paragraphs don't work as effectively to set up the conflict as they should.
I'm also not sure I see anybody identifying Fluttershy as merciless or pitiless, and certainly not Fluttershy herself. I also don't see why she's either of those things. She seems to be letting Dashie down kindly.
So I think this is a peaceful divorce or at least some kind of amiable break-up going on between Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.
What immediately catches my eye is how you use different paragraph alignments to your narrative advantage. And it also switches depending on the P.O.V. too, relying on the tendency for a lot of people to read from left to right with left being the P.O.V. character and right being someone else talking. That's a nice nuance you included!
For the story itself: it shows a very realistic outcome for a Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash relationship if Dash got involved with her Wonderbolt dream. The logic behind it is quite sound with Fluttershy's assertions that it just woudln't work the way it is contrasted with Rainbow's desperation to keep the relationship going even if it'd be untenable. And it's all brushed away under the rug in an attempt to stay polite and not talk about something so sensitive. Emotionally speaking, you got this one alright!
Vividness of setting descriptions aside, it's also a nice depiction of Rainbow Dash at the end that'd also be realistic: a middle-aged(?) mare stressed out and probably facing a mid-life crisis before her. And smokes too (which does fit in well with the Smoke and Mirrors picture in a novel way). A way to try to de-stress after having to break-up; a reasonable outcome.
Overall, this is a gimmicky story in all the right ways and nicely depicts a relationship that just drifts apart. Good job to you!
What immediately catches my eye is how you use different paragraph alignments to your narrative advantage. And it also switches depending on the P.O.V. too, relying on the tendency for a lot of people to read from left to right with left being the P.O.V. character and right being someone else talking. That's a nice nuance you included!
For the story itself: it shows a very realistic outcome for a Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash relationship if Dash got involved with her Wonderbolt dream. The logic behind it is quite sound with Fluttershy's assertions that it just woudln't work the way it is contrasted with Rainbow's desperation to keep the relationship going even if it'd be untenable. And it's all brushed away under the rug in an attempt to stay polite and not talk about something so sensitive. Emotionally speaking, you got this one alright!
Vividness of setting descriptions aside, it's also a nice depiction of Rainbow Dash at the end that'd also be realistic: a middle-aged(?) mare stressed out and probably facing a mid-life crisis before her. And smokes too (which does fit in well with the Smoke and Mirrors picture in a novel way). A way to try to de-stress after having to break-up; a reasonable outcome.
Overall, this is a gimmicky story in all the right ways and nicely depicts a relationship that just drifts apart. Good job to you!
I just want to make it known here before really diving deep into this that I have only positive things to say about this story.
When it comes to stories having a gimmick, I tend to be really apprehensive and critical of them. There were some gimmick-utilizing stories in previous rounds that I absolutely blew up on without a care for what anyone else would think about me, mostly because the gimmick I find myself having to sieve through doesn't add anything to the overall idea of the story, or worse, turned it into such a clusterfuck that it infuriated me to have had my time wasted on when I could be doing more productive things.
This story's gimmick, however, works. Everyone pretty much stated all the little reasons why I think the gimmick works, but ultimately, what makes it work for me was that it was amplifying the story's message and not defining it. When I take away the gimmick and just realign their conversation to the general format, the story still works really well. Adding the gimmick in only helps with driving the underlying emotions through. I cannot stress this enough: the concept shouldn't be carrying the story, the story should, and it is because of that very reason that this entry is great.
Now, with that aside, the story proper.
The atmosphere here is hands down the best that this round has to offer. There's a lot happening in between the lines that it honestly is astonishing just how much more I'm discovering about Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy every time I came back to this, so props. The changes of POV did take me a while for it to catch on. My best interpretation is that it alternates between the two, starting with Rainbow first. I do think that they blend together at times, but I believe it's not really an issue of the writing and more an issue of varying mileages for everyone, especially when I consider the hard scene breaks slapped in between.
I'm probably gonna be in the minority as I say this, but the issues that most of the other reviewers have had with the certain lines that both Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash have (the smiles being merciless and pitiless, the big fish in a small pond, etc.) does not apply to me. After all, this isn't the Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash that we know from the show. No, our two pegasi here are being redefined entirely from top to bottom, stemming from the context that their amorous relationship had recently ended badly. Really, really, badly. There's a lot of pain, angst, and anger, the well-hidden bitterness and resentment for each other woven beneath the gentle facade. Those sentences only further added context to that effect.
I think if there's one minor gripe I do have about that, it's that I think what ultimately was the dealbreaker of their relationship needs to be something more grave and serious to justify them acting this way. From what I could tell, their relationship ended because of RD's wavering commitments between Fluttershy and the academy, though I came away from this story thinking that's really only one reason out of many. Perhaps if there's more clarity on why Rainbow Dash pursuing her Wonderbolt endeavors tore her relationship with Fluttershy apart, it may inadvertently solve the issue with characterization the other reviewers seem to be having.
With how delicate yet confrontational this story handled its narrative and concept hand in hand, this entry ultimately skyrocketed to the top of the list for me. I really have no idea how you might further expand this to be able to publish this but with what I've already had on my plate, I'm sure you'll figure something out. Until then, I'll be looking forward to reading this.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
When it comes to stories having a gimmick, I tend to be really apprehensive and critical of them. There were some gimmick-utilizing stories in previous rounds that I absolutely blew up on without a care for what anyone else would think about me, mostly because the gimmick I find myself having to sieve through doesn't add anything to the overall idea of the story, or worse, turned it into such a clusterfuck that it infuriated me to have had my time wasted on when I could be doing more productive things.
This story's gimmick, however, works. Everyone pretty much stated all the little reasons why I think the gimmick works, but ultimately, what makes it work for me was that it was amplifying the story's message and not defining it. When I take away the gimmick and just realign their conversation to the general format, the story still works really well. Adding the gimmick in only helps with driving the underlying emotions through. I cannot stress this enough: the concept shouldn't be carrying the story, the story should, and it is because of that very reason that this entry is great.
Now, with that aside, the story proper.
The atmosphere here is hands down the best that this round has to offer. There's a lot happening in between the lines that it honestly is astonishing just how much more I'm discovering about Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy every time I came back to this, so props. The changes of POV did take me a while for it to catch on. My best interpretation is that it alternates between the two, starting with Rainbow first. I do think that they blend together at times, but I believe it's not really an issue of the writing and more an issue of varying mileages for everyone, especially when I consider the hard scene breaks slapped in between.
I'm probably gonna be in the minority as I say this, but the issues that most of the other reviewers have had with the certain lines that both Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash have (the smiles being merciless and pitiless, the big fish in a small pond, etc.) does not apply to me. After all, this isn't the Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash that we know from the show. No, our two pegasi here are being redefined entirely from top to bottom, stemming from the context that their amorous relationship had recently ended badly. Really, really, badly. There's a lot of pain, angst, and anger, the well-hidden bitterness and resentment for each other woven beneath the gentle facade. Those sentences only further added context to that effect.
I think if there's one minor gripe I do have about that, it's that I think what ultimately was the dealbreaker of their relationship needs to be something more grave and serious to justify them acting this way. From what I could tell, their relationship ended because of RD's wavering commitments between Fluttershy and the academy, though I came away from this story thinking that's really only one reason out of many. Perhaps if there's more clarity on why Rainbow Dash pursuing her Wonderbolt endeavors tore her relationship with Fluttershy apart, it may inadvertently solve the issue with characterization the other reviewers seem to be having.
With how delicate yet confrontational this story handled its narrative and concept hand in hand, this entry ultimately skyrocketed to the top of the list for me. I really have no idea how you might further expand this to be able to publish this but with what I've already had on my plate, I'm sure you'll figure something out. Until then, I'll be looking forward to reading this.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
Well. I wasn't expecting this! Thank you all for the comments, and for collectively deeming this medal worthy.
There are a lot of pretty in depth comments here, so I think I'm going to go with what I did for my last writeoff and just reply to them all individually. Pretty much everyone had interesting points, and noticed something everyone else missed.
But yeah this first comment is just to say I'm super chuffed about this, and really appreciate people taking the time to critique it.
There are a lot of pretty in depth comments here, so I think I'm going to go with what I did for my last writeoff and just reply to them all individually. Pretty much everyone had interesting points, and noticed something everyone else missed.
But yeah this first comment is just to say I'm super chuffed about this, and really appreciate people taking the time to critique it.
First up, >>Not_A_Hat!
I'll take "fairly well", I'm never sure about how well I convey emotions! And honestly your thought pattern there kind of followed mine a bit? I was hesitant about the smoking thing too, but something about the scene I was writing just demanded it.
I think a number of people missed the last thing you mentioned here--yes, the right justification thing did switch POV. Specifically, the person on the right was always the person who's POV it wasn't. And it's totally fair to not appreciate the gimmick--overall I think it worked out how I wanted it to. I don't think the story is lesser without it, but it adds a physical distance to match the emotional one I'm trying to convey.
I put quite a bit of time into those opening scenes, but I had to cut a lot of it for the minific word limit. That might be contributing to the 'floaty' feel you got. And yes, it is in the order you guessed it--Fluttershy specifically is supposed to be aloft above the river, in pretty much the exact pose in the inspiring picture, and that image is the first thing Rainbow sees of her. I'll take a look at it again, and its action tags--I was trying to go convey their personalities without the reader needing to be told who they were. Given the confusion a lot of people had, I don't think I quite managed this.
I'm a fan of them too! To the point I maybe do them too often...
Thank you for the critiques! They've given me a lot to think about in the best way possible.
EDIT: forgot to address this, but you're not the only one to notice the Sweet and Sad lines might not have quite worked (as my own false review points out!). Specifically with "merciless" and "pitiless"--they're the same smile, from two different perspectives. Rainbow sees it and knows deep down that for all Fluttershy's kindness this conversation is going to hurt, while Fluttershy knows as she makes it that for all that she loves Rainbow she's going to have to be a bit ruthless in this conversation. Two sides of the same coin. And "weightless" is because the hard part is over at that point. Rainbow's stopped fighting the inertia of the end of their relationship, she's given in.
The emotions are conveyed fairly well here.
I have a bit of trouble with the idea of a dedicated, strong-willed athlete like Rainbow smoking, but... eh. It fits in fairly well with the scene you're painting.
I'll take "fairly well", I'm never sure about how well I convey emotions! And honestly your thought pattern there kind of followed mine a bit? I was hesitant about the smoking thing too, but something about the scene I was writing just demanded it.
The justification stuff felt gimmicky to me. I think this would be perfectly understandable and more readable without it; I didn't see any bits where it seemed more useful than just sticking to normal convention. Sure, there's always something to be said for making stuff weirder, but I'm not sure it's worth it here. Well, if people stop experimenting in writeoff minific rounds, I'll be sad, but yeah. Part of that might be because it doesn't seem consistent; in the first scene, I think that's Fluttershy with the right-justify, while in the fourth, it's Rainbow?
I think a number of people missed the last thing you mentioned here--yes, the right justification thing did switch POV. Specifically, the person on the right was always the person who's POV it wasn't. And it's totally fair to not appreciate the gimmick--overall I think it worked out how I wanted it to. I don't think the story is lesser without it, but it adds a physical distance to match the emotional one I'm trying to convey.
I'm not sure the first two scenes are doing much for me. They feel sort of... floaty and loose, which helps set the mood, but other than that, they just kinda exist. I feel like the 'smile' kickers are supposed to be conveying something, but I'm not picking up on anything really concrete. As-is, I think I could read this from the beginning of the fourth scene, and get nearly the same impact. It might be because it took me several reads to figure out who's doing what where, and I'm still not sure I've got it. Rainbow is walking, while Fluttershy is on the riverbank? I originally scanned it as being the other way around, since I assumed the walking mare was the one speaking in the first scene... tightening up your action tags would help, and I don't think keeping names out at first is very useful... although I guess I'm not really sure what you're going for here.
I put quite a bit of time into those opening scenes, but I had to cut a lot of it for the minific word limit. That might be contributing to the 'floaty' feel you got. And yes, it is in the order you guessed it--Fluttershy specifically is supposed to be aloft above the river, in pretty much the exact pose in the inspiring picture, and that image is the first thing Rainbow sees of her. I'll take a look at it again, and its action tags--I was trying to go convey their personalities without the reader needing to be told who they were. Given the confusion a lot of people had, I don't think I quite managed this.
Anyways, I'm a fan of the 'multiple small scenes' thing in minifics. It can be difficult to do, but it can also give a lot of weight to a very short story.
On the whole, I enjoyed this. Thanks for writing!
I'm a fan of them too! To the point I maybe do them too often...
Thank you for the critiques! They've given me a lot to think about in the best way possible.
EDIT: forgot to address this, but you're not the only one to notice the Sweet and Sad lines might not have quite worked (as my own false review points out!). Specifically with "merciless" and "pitiless"--they're the same smile, from two different perspectives. Rainbow sees it and knows deep down that for all Fluttershy's kindness this conversation is going to hurt, while Fluttershy knows as she makes it that for all that she loves Rainbow she's going to have to be a bit ruthless in this conversation. Two sides of the same coin. And "weightless" is because the hard part is over at that point. Rainbow's stopped fighting the inertia of the end of their relationship, she's given in.
Local legend >>Pascoite in with the second comment:
I was going for atmosphere big time, so this is good to here, as is that you liked it on the whole. Lets dive into the problems!
So uh, the first scene isn't in Fluttershy's POV, it's in Dash's. The story goes Dash, Flutters, Dash, Flutters, Dash. The fact that you missed this means I did something wrong in my opening scenes; I had to cut stuff in order to get inside the word limit, but I'll still be sure to put this bit under some discerning eyes before it goes on fimfic.
Also, it is a bit odd that precedented is apparently not a word. Go figure.
I was going for a very specific feeling in this piece. Namely, that of two people who have tried and tried and tried and failed, through no real fault of their own. Just time, difference and growing apart. And how bitter that can be. I didn't think I could accurately convey that through one perspective, and the idea was to show some of the small things that had ended up pushing them apart in the first place through their perspectives: Rainbow's stubborness, Fluttershy's small town temperament, that kind of thing.
The pattern here was meant to be that the first two were the same smile, as seen from first the person at which it was directed, and then from the person giving it. I went into a bit more detail up in my response to Not_A_Hat. That's kind of the end of that "pattern", it's more just a reflection of each other. The third instance though is supposed to be a bit different; it's a different smile, at a different time, with different meanings to it.
But you're right about it being a bit too short to really establish that. I can explain it all I like, but if it doesn't come across in the text...
And I did think about making the last one "soft and sad and weightless". To be honest, I'm not sure why I didn't in the end. I might change it back for the revised edition of this, need to think it over.
Hoo, there's a lot here. I know I've done this a lot in my response, but I think I need to frame this in what I was trying to write, and why. First of all, these aren't the RD and Fluttershy we know. They're older, a little more world-weary, and they have a long and complicated relationship between them. And I very deliberately wrote this in a way that it didn't feel climactic: because sometimes things end with a whimper and not a bang. Dash's hours and smoking habit, they're supposed to be a little window into their lives together, just one of the hundred million reasons they fell apart. I was trying to construct this scene that had a lot more going on behind it, and felt that way to the reader. I don't think it worked for you in that sense. Again, definitely going over this with a fine-tooth comb before it goes up anywhere else.
tl;dr its is "breakups suck" but I was trying to subvert the 'woe is me!' angle and go for something that felt more realistic for two people who have known each other for most of their lives, and been friends or more for pretty much all that time.
I hope some of my longwinded explanations helped clarify things a bit for you! The background feeling thin is definitely a problem as I was trying to achieve the opposite! You're not supposed to see the background, but it should still feel like it's there. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it though, and your comments have helped me see which things I really need to flesh out in this.
The atmosphere here is great, and I like the visual formatting, which almost makes it poetic. On the whole I'll say I rather liked it, because those are the big things. The problems were a lot of small ones and one kind of big.
I was going for atmosphere big time, so this is good to here, as is that you liked it on the whole. Lets dive into the problems!
So, for the structure. You have 5 scenes, the first two in Fluttershy's POV, then you alternate. By the time I get to the third, especially in a story this short, I've already been conditioned to think the whole story will be from Fluttershy's POV, so it was a bit jarring to switch to Dash's. After the first time, it's less jarring, since it's precedented. (Huh. Spell check says "unprecedented" is fine but not "precedented.")
So uh, the first scene isn't in Fluttershy's POV, it's in Dash's. The story goes Dash, Flutters, Dash, Flutters, Dash. The fact that you missed this means I did something wrong in my opening scenes; I had to cut stuff in order to get inside the word limit, but I'll still be sure to put this bit under some discerning eyes before it goes on fimfic.
Also, it is a bit odd that precedented is apparently not a word. Go figure.
But what do we really gain by going into Dash's POV? I learned that she didn't like the kettle and her dislike troubled her, but I have to think that's something Fluttershy could have read from her. And the last scene certainly wasn't anything that required being grounded in Dash's POV. So I don't understand why you didn't just stick with Fluttershy the whole time.
I was going for a very specific feeling in this piece. Namely, that of two people who have tried and tried and tried and failed, through no real fault of their own. Just time, difference and growing apart. And how bitter that can be. I didn't think I could accurately convey that through one perspective, and the idea was to show some of the small things that had ended up pushing them apart in the first place through their perspectives: Rainbow's stubborness, Fluttershy's small town temperament, that kind of thing.
Then the way you ended the first scene: "Smiles, soft and sad and merciless." The second one ends "Smiles, soft and sad and pitiless." I liked the connection, that you were changing only one word to morph from one thing to another. At least it seemed like you were doing this intentionally. Then the third scene didn't have such an ending. Maybe justifiably, since it had switched to Dash's POV, but I think continuing that thematic repetition would be even more grounds for keeping everything in Fluttershy's POV. Then the fourth scene ends "Smiles, sad and sweet and weightless." Same phrasing, but you changed two of the words this time. It breaks the pattern, possibly fits a new one, though if you increase the number of changes each time, it's not sustainable after the next time, and there's no more of them to see what a more complex pattern would be. Finally, the last scene doesn't have such an ending, again maybe because it's in Dash's POV.
The pattern here was meant to be that the first two were the same smile, as seen from first the person at which it was directed, and then from the person giving it. I went into a bit more detail up in my response to Not_A_Hat. That's kind of the end of that "pattern", it's more just a reflection of each other. The third instance though is supposed to be a bit different; it's a different smile, at a different time, with different meanings to it.
But you're right about it being a bit too short to really establish that. I can explain it all I like, but if it doesn't come across in the text...
And I did think about making the last one "soft and sad and weightless". To be honest, I'm not sure why I didn't in the end. I might change it back for the revised edition of this, need to think it over.
We're seeing a watershed moment in their relationship, and that hit me the wrong way for two reasons. One, because the story had seemed to focus more on being atmospheric. Through the first two scenes, it was clear Fluttershy was melancholy, but not that something this climactic was on the way. So it was a bit of mood whiplash. But then the climax doesn't even feel properly built up to. We're conditioned to care about these two characters because we've spent years watching and writing and reading them, but were this original fiction, I'd have no investment in seeing them work it out. All I know is that Fluttershy doesn't like Dash's work hours and smoking habit, but those are pretty generic, and also seem on the low end of a reason to break up a long-term relationship. Unless they were of much more importance to Fluttershy than they'd be to the average person, but there's no evidence of that in the story. I'm not getting a lot of reason to care beyond the default "breakups suck."
Hoo, there's a lot here. I know I've done this a lot in my response, but I think I need to frame this in what I was trying to write, and why. First of all, these aren't the RD and Fluttershy we know. They're older, a little more world-weary, and they have a long and complicated relationship between them. And I very deliberately wrote this in a way that it didn't feel climactic: because sometimes things end with a whimper and not a bang. Dash's hours and smoking habit, they're supposed to be a little window into their lives together, just one of the hundred million reasons they fell apart. I was trying to construct this scene that had a lot more going on behind it, and felt that way to the reader. I don't think it worked for you in that sense. Again, definitely going over this with a fine-tooth comb before it goes up anywhere else.
tl;dr its is "breakups suck" but I was trying to subvert the 'woe is me!' angle and go for something that felt more realistic for two people who have known each other for most of their lives, and been friends or more for pretty much all that time.
A pleasure to read, but it feels thin on the background, and a few of the structural decisions threw me for a loop.
I hope some of my longwinded explanations helped clarify things a bit for you! The background feeling thin is definitely a problem as I was trying to achieve the opposite! You're not supposed to see the background, but it should still feel like it's there. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it though, and your comments have helped me see which things I really need to flesh out in this.
Thirdly (or fourthly, after my slightly pompous self-review): >>Caliaponia
Three for three on this now. Definitely something for me to try and clarify for the extended version.
Definitely partly that! But also, the smoking just felt right for the scene; it was one of the more emotional writing decisions I made in this, more gut feeling than anything else.
Thank you! I was really trying to evoke that, so it's wonderful to hear someone appreciated it.
Word limit was a factor for the descriptions for sure. The beginning in particular was a lot denser in first draft. It seems the alignment gimmick got mixed reactions--I'm personally glad I stuck with it, but to each their own!
Thanks for reading! For everyone else, rest of the responses to come tomorrow.
On my first read I had difficulty following the characters at times, particularly in the beginning, where I wasn't sure who was speaking.
Three for three on this now. Definitely something for me to try and clarify for the extended version.
I can't say I'm a fan of the smoking either, but fics gotta fic, and it could be for the 'smoke' part of the 'smoke and mirrors'
Definitely partly that! But also, the smoking just felt right for the scene; it was one of the more emotional writing decisions I made in this, more gut feeling than anything else.
There's some nicely understated drama here. It takes some time to come into focus, and benefits from the second read.
I appreciated some of the subtle shadings of emotion that the phrasing achieved, such as 'allowed to grow apart' and 'come to love them less'
Thank you! I was really trying to evoke that, so it's wonderful to hear someone appreciated it.
Descriptions / body language were on the sparse side, and I'm not the biggest fan of the use of alignment to denote speaker. It did work, however, and there's the word limit to keep in mind.
Word limit was a factor for the descriptions for sure. The beginning in particular was a lot denser in first draft. It seems the alignment gimmick got mixed reactions--I'm personally glad I stuck with it, but to each their own!
Thanks for reading! For everyone else, rest of the responses to come tomorrow.
>>Meridian_Prime
Okay, if the first scene is supposed to be Dash's POV, it didn't sound like it to me, but you're already on that. If it comes across clearly, then the POV shifting is consistent and it'll be easier to follow. Sounds like you've got a handle on that. It'll also make a few of the other issues I had moot.
It does make those thematic-sounding scene enders feel inconsistent though. I now understand why the first two were done the way you did, since they're the same smile, but since you used another one later on, it makes it seem like an incomplete thematic tie. I'd recommend either getting rid of the third one or ending every scene with such a line.
I do like the "specific couple of things as a window into the bigger picture," and it's a great method for establishing a general sense of something, but often not for a turning point or emotionally charged moment. Like if you have a romance story, giving quick examples of a couple dates they'd been on brings the relationship some life and adds to the characterization so that the romance seems more real to the reader without simply informing him they're in love and expecting him to believe it. Another good example I read recently uses a shared hobby as a window to establish a childhood friendship. It makes it hit that much harder when tragedy strikes one of them, because we'd had a richer picture of what they meant to each other.
But that's the pretty big distinction I'm making here: that a couple of illustrative anecdotes do well to get me invested in the friendship or the romance, so that when the guillotine drops, I care what happens. But if the couple of illustrative examples are about why the guillotine drops, they'd better be very important reasons, to the point I think to myself that even if I wouldn't make that choice personally, I completely understand why that character plausibly could. The whole reason for the story's existence is a dangerous thing to be incomplete about.
Here, it's not that case I feel Fluttershy's reasons are implausible. She certainly could be very put off by odd hours and smoking. But to rise to the level of something she's willing to break up over, I was left scratching my head a bit, because I didn't have any evidence that they were particularly problematic for her. The hours especially: I don't know at what point they decided to try a relationship, but definitely after Dash had made clear her aspirations to be a Wonderbolt, and quite possibly after she actually was one, so I don't know why that would have come as a surprise to her. Unless it's one of those things that you don't know will be a problem until you're actually dealing with it, but in that case, let the story say so. It just takes a sentence or two.
So while I liked the "window to a bigger picture" approach (and this is something many authors struggle to do well, so kudos for executing it and understanding how and why it works), it's usually better for the background of why I should care the big moment happens than for justifying the big moment itself. It's great for getging me invested in the relationship so it means something to me when it ends, but as to why it ends, I would have liked something more concrete. The name of the game is making readers happy, though, so if most people feel like what you've done fits, then I may just be an outlier.
I'm a sucker for atmosphere pieces, though, and this did a great job of it.
Okay, if the first scene is supposed to be Dash's POV, it didn't sound like it to me, but you're already on that. If it comes across clearly, then the POV shifting is consistent and it'll be easier to follow. Sounds like you've got a handle on that. It'll also make a few of the other issues I had moot.
It does make those thematic-sounding scene enders feel inconsistent though. I now understand why the first two were done the way you did, since they're the same smile, but since you used another one later on, it makes it seem like an incomplete thematic tie. I'd recommend either getting rid of the third one or ending every scene with such a line.
I do like the "specific couple of things as a window into the bigger picture," and it's a great method for establishing a general sense of something, but often not for a turning point or emotionally charged moment. Like if you have a romance story, giving quick examples of a couple dates they'd been on brings the relationship some life and adds to the characterization so that the romance seems more real to the reader without simply informing him they're in love and expecting him to believe it. Another good example I read recently uses a shared hobby as a window to establish a childhood friendship. It makes it hit that much harder when tragedy strikes one of them, because we'd had a richer picture of what they meant to each other.
But that's the pretty big distinction I'm making here: that a couple of illustrative anecdotes do well to get me invested in the friendship or the romance, so that when the guillotine drops, I care what happens. But if the couple of illustrative examples are about why the guillotine drops, they'd better be very important reasons, to the point I think to myself that even if I wouldn't make that choice personally, I completely understand why that character plausibly could. The whole reason for the story's existence is a dangerous thing to be incomplete about.
Here, it's not that case I feel Fluttershy's reasons are implausible. She certainly could be very put off by odd hours and smoking. But to rise to the level of something she's willing to break up over, I was left scratching my head a bit, because I didn't have any evidence that they were particularly problematic for her. The hours especially: I don't know at what point they decided to try a relationship, but definitely after Dash had made clear her aspirations to be a Wonderbolt, and quite possibly after she actually was one, so I don't know why that would have come as a surprise to her. Unless it's one of those things that you don't know will be a problem until you're actually dealing with it, but in that case, let the story say so. It just takes a sentence or two.
So while I liked the "window to a bigger picture" approach (and this is something many authors struggle to do well, so kudos for executing it and understanding how and why it works), it's usually better for the background of why I should care the big moment happens than for justifying the big moment itself. It's great for getging me invested in the relationship so it means something to me when it ends, but as to why it ends, I would have liked something more concrete. The name of the game is making readers happy, though, so if most people feel like what you've done fits, then I may just be an outlier.
I'm a sucker for atmosphere pieces, though, and this did a great job of it.
>>Pascoite
This is incredibly useful feedback. Full disclosure: I'm not entirely sure I agree about everything you said. But I'm also aware that as the person who wrote this stuff, I'm pretty biased. I'll definitely be coming back to this as I'm rewriting, and referring any and all potential pre-readers to it to see what they think.
One thing:
So I realised one of the things we're coming at from different angles when I read this bit; the smoking and the long hours aren't supposed to be why Fluttershy decided to break up with RD. Why she did isn't really the point of the story. They're just Rainbow's grasping attempts at salvaging a sinking ship (heh). This story isn't about why RD and Flutters broke up, it's about who they are at the moment that they do. If that makes sense.
...I suspect I'm being a little pretentious here, but hey it got me gold!
This is incredibly useful feedback. Full disclosure: I'm not entirely sure I agree about everything you said. But I'm also aware that as the person who wrote this stuff, I'm pretty biased. I'll definitely be coming back to this as I'm rewriting, and referring any and all potential pre-readers to it to see what they think.
One thing:
Here, it's not that case I feel Fluttershy's reasons are implausible. She certainly could be very put off by odd hours and smoking. But to rise to the level of something she's willing to break up over, I was left scratching my head a bit, because I didn't have any evidence that they were particularly problematic for her.
So I realised one of the things we're coming at from different angles when I read this bit; the smoking and the long hours aren't supposed to be why Fluttershy decided to break up with RD. Why she did isn't really the point of the story. They're just Rainbow's grasping attempts at salvaging a sinking ship (heh). This story isn't about why RD and Flutters broke up, it's about who they are at the moment that they do. If that makes sense.
...I suspect I'm being a little pretentious here, but hey it got me gold!
Next up, and another name I've been following for a looong time: >>Baal Bunny
As an aside--I've always loved your miniature-letter style of comments. Just thought I'd let you know!
You're right that a) it's Rainbow and b) that I clearly need to clarify that a bit! And talking about collective confusion, it was never supposed to be "character a on left, character b on right", it was supposed to be "pov character on left, opposing character on right". But that I had to explain that only really reinforces your point about confusion; definitely something I'll be giving a look over.
I actually feel reasonably strongly about this bit, so forgive the incoming ramble. You're right, Fluttershy isn't a big fish in a big pond. She's a small fish in a tiny pond, that tiny pond being her cottage and garden.
As someone who is pretty shy in real life, and often had similar sorts of social issues to Flutters as a kid, one thing that rang true for me in my experience was the importance of control, or rather the lack of it. Social situations were kind of terrifying because I could only control my own actions, and not other peoples responses to them. It's the fear of doing something wrong, of unknowingly evoking the wrong reaction, saying what you think is the right thing but isn't to everyone else.
Anyway, the point is, home was always the place where I could relax, because I had some of that control back. And for me, Fluttershy is indeed a small fish--but even small fish have their own little corner of the world, and Fluttershy's cottage is that for her. Even in show, it's the one space that she is always shown to be totally comfortable in, unless someone else intrudes on it.
I'm not too sure I explained that very well, but it's what I got.
I think I explained this best at the end of my response to Not_A_Hat, in the "EDIT" bit. If that doesn't assuage your confusion, let me know!
I was going more for "boy" in the sense of "boy-friend"--basically, RD is being the slightly judge-y Aunt! No Pie family drama here.
Dust and ashes was exactly what I was going for. Thank you!
I got:
As an aside--I've always loved your miniature-letter style of comments. Just thought I'd let you know!
That the first section is Rainbow's POV--the talk about living in a cloud city and how much freer the sky is than the ground and all--but since so many folks are having trouble, a little more showing that it's her would definitely be in order. Also, in the rest of the piece, Fluttershy's lines are scooted over on the left, but her line at the end of that first section is scooted over to the right. That might be adding to the collective confusion.
You're right that a) it's Rainbow and b) that I clearly need to clarify that a bit! And talking about collective confusion, it was never supposed to be "character a on left, character b on right", it was supposed to be "pov character on left, opposing character on right". But that I had to explain that only really reinforces your point about confusion; definitely something I'll be giving a look over.
It's the second section, though, that threw me. We're in Fluttershy's POV, but I can't quite see her thinking of herself as "a big fish in a small pond." More in character would be "a small fish in a small pond," seems to me.
I actually feel reasonably strongly about this bit, so forgive the incoming ramble. You're right, Fluttershy isn't a big fish in a big pond. She's a small fish in a tiny pond, that tiny pond being her cottage and garden.
As someone who is pretty shy in real life, and often had similar sorts of social issues to Flutters as a kid, one thing that rang true for me in my experience was the importance of control, or rather the lack of it. Social situations were kind of terrifying because I could only control my own actions, and not other peoples responses to them. It's the fear of doing something wrong, of unknowingly evoking the wrong reaction, saying what you think is the right thing but isn't to everyone else.
Anyway, the point is, home was always the place where I could relax, because I had some of that control back. And for me, Fluttershy is indeed a small fish--but even small fish have their own little corner of the world, and Fluttershy's cottage is that for her. Even in show, it's the one space that she is always shown to be totally comfortable in, unless someone else intrudes on it.
I'm not too sure I explained that very well, but it's what I got.
And then having the final word of the section be "pitiless"? Maybe she would think that she's determined to be pitiless or that she needs to be pitiless to get through this. Unless you're trying to convey that she's changed a lot with the passage of time? I couldn't figure it out, though.
I think I explained this best at the end of my response to Not_A_Hat, in the "EDIT" bit. If that doesn't assuage your confusion, let me know!
I also got confused by the line "Think she’ll bring that boy of hers? Pinkie’s been wanting to meet him for years." It sounds to me like Rainbow's saying that Pinkie's youngest, who's just graduated from something, has a son who Pinkie's never met. Is that what's happening there? 'Cause that opens a whole 'nother confusing can of narrative worms...
I was going more for "boy" in the sense of "boy-friend"--basically, RD is being the slightly judge-y Aunt! No Pie family drama here.
Still, I always like when the dust and ashes stage of a relationship is shown in such a tamped down fashion. And this does that really well.
Mike
Dust and ashes was exactly what I was going for. Thank you!
Next: >>Rao!
YESSSS
This is exactly what I was trying to do. That you both spotted it and liked it is awesome.
I went back and checked when I first saw this--I didn't (and still can't) see any issues, so I think it might be your page size?
Fluttershy has always had quiet strength show through sometimes--I can only imagine as she gets older, that strength comes to the forefront a bit more. And I'm very happy you enjoyed this thousand and first attempt!
Diverging from the pack a bit and saying I loved the left-right justified speaker notation. It really helps to sell the "growing apart" idea, since even their speech is starting from opposite ends of the page now. And, of course, the narrator bits are center justified, because telling the story doesn't mean picking a side.
YESSSS
This is exactly what I was trying to do. That you both spotted it and liked it is awesome.
A couple of Rainbow's lines are a little long and brush up against the left margin, but that may be my page size being too small on my laptop rather than a proper formatting issue, but something to consider.
I went back and checked when I first saw this--I didn't (and still can't) see any issues, so I think it might be your page size?
The subject matter has been done probably a thousand times, but that doesn't mean a well-done thousand and first isn't worth the while. In particular, Flutters being the wizened, mature, strong-willed one of the two is a pleasant experience.
Fluttershy has always had quiet strength show through sometimes--I can only imagine as she gets older, that strength comes to the forefront a bit more. And I'm very happy you enjoyed this thousand and first attempt!
Onto our local musical tyrant-prince, >>Bachiavellian:
Alas, cruel world! (I friggin hate phone keyboards)
Yay! A lot of the early reviewers were leaning on the "this is confusing", so having a couple of people give it a thumbs up is a bit of a relief.
Fair enough a la the formatting trick, it was clearly the most divisive bit of this piece. But wow what a compliment! Thanks!
Again, thank you! And that was very much the intention--these aren't the same ponies we know from the show. They've grown older and hopefully wiser, and definitely a lot more tired. Implication is the name of the game!
Thanks for reading it! ^_^
(Forced on mobile, have to be concise).
Alas, cruel world! (I friggin hate phone keyboards)
I see that some other reviewers had trouble with the perspective shifts, but I'll offer my own reading experience and say that I personally caught on pretty quickly and painlessly.
Yay! A lot of the early reviewers were leaning on the "this is confusing", so having a couple of people give it a thumbs up is a bit of a relief.
Now, I'm a big fan of your prose, and I'm always jealous when I see someone pull off these mood-heavy styles. But I'll have to note that I'm not sure how much mileage I got out of the formatting trick.
Fair enough a la the formatting trick, it was clearly the most divisive bit of this piece. But wow what a compliment! Thanks!
As for the story itself, I'm a huge sucker for break-up fics, and I think this executed well on its premise. I love how Fluttershy is the one taking the lead; it did a good job to me to imply a lot of character growth.
Again, thank you! And that was very much the intention--these aren't the same ponies we know from the show. They've grown older and hopefully wiser, and definitely a lot more tired. Implication is the name of the game!
Overall, probably my favorite this round. Thanks for writing it!
Thanks for reading it! ^_^
Next up: >>Posh
I appreciate you commenting all the same.
I mentioned this in earlier responses, particularly to Not_A_Hat and Pascoite, but the opening paragraphs definitely suffered from the word limit. Just couldn't find anywhere else to cut stuff! As for the theme being ill-conveyed, well nothing works for everybody. Looking at the overall response, people's emotional reaction to this piece seems to vary quite a bit. Feel free to let me know if there was anything in particular that threw the weight off for you!
You're not the first person to say this, so I'm just going to copy-paste what I said to Not_A_Hat:
"EDIT: forgot to address this, but you're not the only one to notice the Sweet and Sad lines might not have quite worked (as my own false review points out!). Specifically with "merciless" and "pitiless"--they're the same smile, from two different perspectives. Rainbow sees it and knows deep down that for all Fluttershy's kindness this conversation is going to hurt, while Fluttershy knows as she makes it that for all that she loves Rainbow she's going to have to be a bit ruthless in this conversation. Two sides of the same coin. And "weightless" is because the hard part is over at that point. Rainbow's stopped fighting the inertia of the end of their relationship, she's given in."
I personally think Fluttershy would absolutely consider what she does pitiless. She's stomping out a relationship that's been going on for years, and (I'm not sure how well this was conveyed but I hope it came across somewhat) doesn't actually feel bad about it.
Anyway, thanks for reviewing and reading!
I can't say that I have much to add that my esteemed colleagues haven't already said. My fault for putting off reviews until tonight, I suppose.
I appreciate you commenting all the same.
I can say (broadly) that I found the emotions in here to be weighty, but that weight's thrown off by the theme of lost, fading love being... somewhat ill-conveyed. The first two paragraphs don't work as effectively to set up the conflict as they should.
I mentioned this in earlier responses, particularly to Not_A_Hat and Pascoite, but the opening paragraphs definitely suffered from the word limit. Just couldn't find anywhere else to cut stuff! As for the theme being ill-conveyed, well nothing works for everybody. Looking at the overall response, people's emotional reaction to this piece seems to vary quite a bit. Feel free to let me know if there was anything in particular that threw the weight off for you!
I'm also not sure I see anybody identifying Fluttershy as merciless or pitiless, and certainly not Fluttershy herself. I also don't see why she's either of those things. She seems to be letting Dashie down kindly.
You're not the first person to say this, so I'm just going to copy-paste what I said to Not_A_Hat:
"EDIT: forgot to address this, but you're not the only one to notice the Sweet and Sad lines might not have quite worked (as my own false review points out!). Specifically with "merciless" and "pitiless"--they're the same smile, from two different perspectives. Rainbow sees it and knows deep down that for all Fluttershy's kindness this conversation is going to hurt, while Fluttershy knows as she makes it that for all that she loves Rainbow she's going to have to be a bit ruthless in this conversation. Two sides of the same coin. And "weightless" is because the hard part is over at that point. Rainbow's stopped fighting the inertia of the end of their relationship, she's given in."
I personally think Fluttershy would absolutely consider what she does pitiless. She's stomping out a relationship that's been going on for years, and (I'm not sure how well this was conveyed but I hope it came across somewhat) doesn't actually feel bad about it.
Anyway, thanks for reviewing and reading!
Next: >>Comma Typer
That is the main concept yes, although I was going for "burned out" as much as amiable.
Thank you! Quite a few of the other reviewers found this a bit confusing, so it's nice to hear it landed on target for you--I was pretty proud of it.
YES! Exactly what I was going for. You basically spelled out my plot points for this story, meaning I must have done something right! And I'm glad it worked for you emotionally too! You can't see it, but I've got a big ol' grin on my face from reading all this.
You seem to be in the minority about seeing Dash smoking as reasonable, but while I initially had my doubts about that bit; well, people change. It's not that surprising that Dash would, and she certainly wouldn't be the first athlete to take up a habit that's not super healthy.
And yeah, I was definitely imagining middle age. Did you read my brainstorming notes or something?
Gimmicky in the right way is exactly what I wanted. This was a very nice comment, and I'm glad this story worked so well for you! Thanks for reading.
So I think this is a peaceful divorce or at least some kind of amiable break-up going on between Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.
That is the main concept yes, although I was going for "burned out" as much as amiable.
What immediately catches my eye is how you use different paragraph alignments to your narrative advantage. And it also switches depending on the P.O.V. too, relying on the tendency for a lot of people to read from left to right with left being the P.O.V. character and right being someone else talking. That's a nice nuance you included!
Thank you! Quite a few of the other reviewers found this a bit confusing, so it's nice to hear it landed on target for you--I was pretty proud of it.
For the story itself: it shows a very realistic outcome for a Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash relationship if Dash got involved with her Wonderbolt dream. The logic behind it is quite sound with Fluttershy's assertions that it just woudln't work the way it is contrasted with Rainbow's desperation to keep the relationship going even if it'd be untenable. And it's all brushed away under the rug in an attempt to stay polite and not talk about something so sensitive. Emotionally speaking, you got this one alright!
YES! Exactly what I was going for. You basically spelled out my plot points for this story, meaning I must have done something right! And I'm glad it worked for you emotionally too! You can't see it, but I've got a big ol' grin on my face from reading all this.
Vividness of setting descriptions aside, it's also a nice depiction of Rainbow Dash at the end that'd also be realistic: a middle-aged(?) mare stressed out and probably facing a mid-life crisis before her. And smokes too (which does fit in well with the Smoke and Mirrors picture in a novel way). A way to try to de-stress after having to break-up; a reasonable outcome.
You seem to be in the minority about seeing Dash smoking as reasonable, but while I initially had my doubts about that bit; well, people change. It's not that surprising that Dash would, and she certainly wouldn't be the first athlete to take up a habit that's not super healthy.
And yeah, I was definitely imagining middle age. Did you read my brainstorming notes or something?
Overall, this is a gimmicky story in all the right ways and nicely depicts a relationship that just drifts apart. Good job to you!
Gimmicky in the right way is exactly what I wanted. This was a very nice comment, and I'm glad this story worked so well for you! Thanks for reading.
Last but definitely not least:>>WritingSpirit
:D
I have a massive grin on my face, and it's all your fault. This is about as high praise as I could ask for.
Let's go!
Atmosphere was pretty much my main goal for the prose, so "best that this round has to offer" is pretty satisfying. Means I did something right! Having the second sentence after you already said that is just trying to make me blush at this point. I'm glad you got as much as I was trying to put into this out of it (if that makes sense).
You're right, it's RD-Flutters-RD-Flutters-RD. And that's definitely the nicest explanation I've seen for the confusion about POV so far! The hard scene breaks were meant to make it clearer though, yes.
...I've been trying to explain this in pretty much every comment, and it turns out I could have just pointed everyone else to yours. This is EXACTLY what I was trying to write. People can be comfortable around each other and still hide a lot of old wounds underneath.
This is definitely something I'll be coming back to when I rework this. You're right, it's supposed to be one reason of many--really, it's supposed to be a minor and superficial reason, something Rainbow is throwing out as part of her last minute appeal, not one of the many (unspoken) actual fissures in their relationship. But I may try and expand on that--I have a pretty clear general picture of how they fell apart in my head, so expanding on some of that may be possible? I just kind of worry that digging up some pretty ugly resentments (and the corresponding nasty argument that the characters demand will ensue) will very much ruin the tone of the piece. Maybe as flashbacks? I'll work on it!
This is the kind of praise an author writes for. What a way to finish off my responses! Thank you.
I just want to make it known here before really diving deep into this that I have only positive things to say about this story.
:D
When it comes to stories having a gimmick, I tend to be really apprehensive and critical of them. There were some gimmick-utilizing stories in previous rounds that I absolutely blew up on without a care for what anyone else would think about me, mostly because the gimmick I find myself having to sieve through doesn't add anything to the overall idea of the story, or worse, turned it into such a clusterfuck that it infuriated me to have had my time wasted on when I could be doing more productive things.
This story's gimmick, however, works. Everyone pretty much stated all the little reasons why I think the gimmick works, but ultimately, what makes it work for me was that it was amplifying the story's message and not defining it. When I take away the gimmick and just realign their conversation to the general format, the story still works really well. Adding the gimmick in only helps with driving the underlying emotions through. I cannot stress this enough: the concept shouldn't be carrying the story, the story should, and it is because of that very reason that this entry is great.
I have a massive grin on my face, and it's all your fault. This is about as high praise as I could ask for.
Now, with that aside, the story proper.
Let's go!
The atmosphere here is hands down the best that this round has to offer. There's a lot happening in between the lines that it honestly is astonishing just how much more I'm discovering about Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy every time I came back to this, so props.
Atmosphere was pretty much my main goal for the prose, so "best that this round has to offer" is pretty satisfying. Means I did something right! Having the second sentence after you already said that is just trying to make me blush at this point. I'm glad you got as much as I was trying to put into this out of it (if that makes sense).
The changes of POV did take me a while for it to catch on. My best interpretation is that it alternates between the two, starting with Rainbow first. I do think that they blend together at times, but I believe it's not really an issue of the writing and more an issue of varying mileages for everyone, especially when I consider the hard scene breaks slapped in between.
You're right, it's RD-Flutters-RD-Flutters-RD. And that's definitely the nicest explanation I've seen for the confusion about POV so far! The hard scene breaks were meant to make it clearer though, yes.
I'm probably gonna be in the minority as I say this, but the issues that most of the other reviewers have had with the certain lines that both Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash have (the smiles being merciless and pitiless, the big fish in a small pond, etc.) does not apply to me. After all, this isn't the Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash that we know from the show. No, our two pegasi here are being redefined entirely from top to bottom, stemming from the context that their amorous relationship had recently ended badly. Really, really, badly. There's a lot of pain, angst, and anger, the well-hidden bitterness and resentment for each other woven beneath the gentle facade. Those sentences only further added context to that effect.
...I've been trying to explain this in pretty much every comment, and it turns out I could have just pointed everyone else to yours. This is EXACTLY what I was trying to write. People can be comfortable around each other and still hide a lot of old wounds underneath.
I think if there's one minor gripe I do have about that, it's that I think what ultimately was the dealbreaker of their relationship needs to be something more grave and serious to justify them acting this way. From what I could tell, their relationship ended because of RD's wavering commitments between Fluttershy and the academy, though I came away from this story thinking that's really only one reason out of many. Perhaps if there's more clarity on why Rainbow Dash pursuing her Wonderbolt endeavors tore her relationship with Fluttershy apart, it may inadvertently solve the issue with characterization the other reviewers seem to be having.
This is definitely something I'll be coming back to when I rework this. You're right, it's supposed to be one reason of many--really, it's supposed to be a minor and superficial reason, something Rainbow is throwing out as part of her last minute appeal, not one of the many (unspoken) actual fissures in their relationship. But I may try and expand on that--I have a pretty clear general picture of how they fell apart in my head, so expanding on some of that may be possible? I just kind of worry that digging up some pretty ugly resentments (and the corresponding nasty argument that the characters demand will ensue) will very much ruin the tone of the piece. Maybe as flashbacks? I'll work on it!
With how delicate yet confrontational this story handled its narrative and concept hand in hand, this entry ultimately skyrocketed to the top of the list for me. I really have no idea how you might further expand this to be able to publish this but with what I've already had on my plate, I'm sure you'll figure something out. Until then, I'll be looking forward to reading this.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
This is the kind of praise an author writes for. What a way to finish off my responses! Thank you.
As a closing statement:
This was a lot of fun to write, and got a far bigger and better reception than I was expecting. I'm glad so many of you enjoyed it, and that even those of you who had some issues took the time to point them out (and mostly appeared to enjoy it anyway!).
For those of you who are interested, the song that (with Smoke And Mirrors) allowed this story to spring forth fully formed. Title from the lyrics!
This was a lot of fun to write, and got a far bigger and better reception than I was expecting. I'm glad so many of you enjoyed it, and that even those of you who had some issues took the time to point them out (and mostly appeared to enjoy it anyway!).
For those of you who are interested, the song that (with Smoke And Mirrors) allowed this story to spring forth fully formed. Title from the lyrics!
>>Meridian_Prime
Okay, the more I get about your intent in writing this, the more I can close in on what my disconnect was with it. (And to be fair, there's no reason you have to address that unless you think my disconnect will carry over to numerous readers.)
You have a story about a breakup, and the story supplies two reasons for that. I can get that there might be other, bigger reasons, but the story doesn't suggest that. I also get that the big reasons may be so routine by now that they don't exactly enter the characters' thoughts, but then how's the reader supposed to know? (I wasn't the only reviewer to question why smoking was a big enough deal to end a long-term relationship.) So when I see breakup + two reasons why, my mind immediately jumps to these being the only reasons, or at least the chief ones. But you don't want them to be. This is a very fine needle to thread.
The most direct ways to make it clear the reasons you cite aren't the reasons are to say that or to just not give any reasons.
For me, not giving any reasons would drop the story back into being vague. And vague is never good. If you just have a story about a breakup, and the narrator assures me there are reasons, just trust him on this one, then it's hard to make me care much.
But why not hint that there are others? This is just a blunt example, but at what point the hours and the smoking get mentioned, if Fluttershy narrates that wasn't even the half of it, then I know there are bigger fish to fry, even though I don't know what they are. And for the story's purposes, it's not really important I know what they are, but I do think it's important to know they exist, or else I fall back into wondering why those two were such a big deal. Just a suggestion, and it only takes a partial sentence to do.
Additionally, I'll say I appreciate all the reviews you did, and it's especially nice to have someone give detailed responses like this. Even a simple one is nice to get. Since you did all those reviews, you know what it's like. It takes a fair amount of time to read a story, think about it, and compile your thoughts, and when reviewers get an up-thumb or a response, it justifies the effort that went into it. Even if the author completely disagrees with you, at least they read the review and thought about it. Take the last She-Ra event as an example of the opposite. Hardly any reviews got up-thumbed, and of the 6 authors, only one ever bothered to post a response. Reviewing isn't fun. It's work done to try offering the author some help, but if I can't tell the authors are even reading them, then I have little motivation to do them the next time.
Okay, the more I get about your intent in writing this, the more I can close in on what my disconnect was with it. (And to be fair, there's no reason you have to address that unless you think my disconnect will carry over to numerous readers.)
You have a story about a breakup, and the story supplies two reasons for that. I can get that there might be other, bigger reasons, but the story doesn't suggest that. I also get that the big reasons may be so routine by now that they don't exactly enter the characters' thoughts, but then how's the reader supposed to know? (I wasn't the only reviewer to question why smoking was a big enough deal to end a long-term relationship.) So when I see breakup + two reasons why, my mind immediately jumps to these being the only reasons, or at least the chief ones. But you don't want them to be. This is a very fine needle to thread.
The most direct ways to make it clear the reasons you cite aren't the reasons are to say that or to just not give any reasons.
For me, not giving any reasons would drop the story back into being vague. And vague is never good. If you just have a story about a breakup, and the narrator assures me there are reasons, just trust him on this one, then it's hard to make me care much.
But why not hint that there are others? This is just a blunt example, but at what point the hours and the smoking get mentioned, if Fluttershy narrates that wasn't even the half of it, then I know there are bigger fish to fry, even though I don't know what they are. And for the story's purposes, it's not really important I know what they are, but I do think it's important to know they exist, or else I fall back into wondering why those two were such a big deal. Just a suggestion, and it only takes a partial sentence to do.
Additionally, I'll say I appreciate all the reviews you did, and it's especially nice to have someone give detailed responses like this. Even a simple one is nice to get. Since you did all those reviews, you know what it's like. It takes a fair amount of time to read a story, think about it, and compile your thoughts, and when reviewers get an up-thumb or a response, it justifies the effort that went into it. Even if the author completely disagrees with you, at least they read the review and thought about it. Take the last She-Ra event as an example of the opposite. Hardly any reviews got up-thumbed, and of the 6 authors, only one ever bothered to post a response. Reviewing isn't fun. It's work done to try offering the author some help, but if I can't tell the authors are even reading them, then I have little motivation to do them the next time.
>>Pascoite
...Wow. What fantastically helpful advice. You've really nailed what the disconnect was I think, and I don't believe I would have picked up on it without your insight. I'll beg forgiveness in this version by once again pointing at the word limit, but you can bet I'll be adding in hints to the deeper issues in the revised version. Thank you.
Speaking of:
I spent years on fimfic as solely a reader and commenter, and even then it sometimes baffled me how few people would make constructive comments on stuff. Even if it's just "I like how you wrote [x] character", it always helps! Now I'm a writer, I feel all the more strongly about it. Your thoughts mirror mine pretty closely; people who put time and effort into a review (especially critical ones) deserve that thumbs up and a response, because they're actively helping me improve my craft. So thanks again for all the help, and hopefully I'll inspire a couple more people on writeoff to respond a bit more in depth!
...Wow. What fantastically helpful advice. You've really nailed what the disconnect was I think, and I don't believe I would have picked up on it without your insight. I'll beg forgiveness in this version by once again pointing at the word limit, but you can bet I'll be adding in hints to the deeper issues in the revised version. Thank you.
Speaking of:
Additionally, I'll say I appreciate all the reviews you did, and it's especially nice to have someone give detailed responses like this. Even a simple one is nice to get. Since you did all those reviews, you know what it's like. It takes a fair amount of time to read a story, think about it, and compile your thoughts, and when reviewers get an up-thumb or a response, it justifies the effort that went into it. Even if the author completely disagrees with you, at least they read the review and thought about it. Take the last She-Ra event as an example of the opposite. Hardly any reviews got up-thumbed, and of the 6 authors, only one ever bothered to post a response. Reviewing isn't fun. It's work done to try offering the author some help, but if I can't tell the authors are even reading them, then I have little motivation to do them the next time.
I spent years on fimfic as solely a reader and commenter, and even then it sometimes baffled me how few people would make constructive comments on stuff. Even if it's just "I like how you wrote [x] character", it always helps! Now I'm a writer, I feel all the more strongly about it. Your thoughts mirror mine pretty closely; people who put time and effort into a review (especially critical ones) deserve that thumbs up and a response, because they're actively helping me improve my craft. So thanks again for all the help, and hopefully I'll inspire a couple more people on writeoff to respond a bit more in depth!