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Rest Easy, Justified
The princess steps through the doors, and unfolds.
The long sigh that escapes her lips seems to take all her regal bearing with it—she slouches down, wings unfurling to practically drag against the polished marble floor. But her polite royal mask slides not into a frown, but a tired grin. Another day’s work, well done. Time for the monthly checkup.
She passes by a window, fond eyes tracing over familiar patterns, old friends and family, preserved in glass. This private wing of the castle houses older works than the main section, the great triumphs of her youth and even before—selfish maybe, but while they are pieces of her nation’s history, but they are her history too.
Slipping down a narrow corridor, she finally arrives at her destination. Nudging the door open with a wing, she steps into the small room.
“Hello girls,” Princess Twilight Sparkle says with a sleepy smile.
In front of her stand six statues arranged in a circle. Were anyone else to see this room, they might be a little confused—the history books never seem to mention the slightly manic tinge to the Bearer of Laughter’s smile, or the shy duck of Kindness’ head. They certainly never said that Loyalty was so short.
“Today was a bit of a pain in the butt, to be honest.” The princess laughs, shifting to pace around the room. “The new Dragon Lord is going on about ‘heritage’ and ‘soft ponies’—same revivalist nonsense as usual, it’ll pass. Doesn’t stop everypony from getting into a tizzy about it though.” She weaves between the statues, animating for the first time since she stepped out of court. “And we’re having some teething problems over in Cirruscinnati. You’d think somepony would realise building a new cloudcity might be difficult, given we’ve only ever made one before!” Stopping, she huffs and shakes her head, a wry grin spreading over her face. “Between you and me, I think I pulled the short straw with this job.” She runs a fond hoof over Generosity’s forehoof, thrown forward in perpetual fabulosity, before pulling away and moving towards the end of the room. “I’ll see you all next week. Nightmare Night, you know?” And with that, she pushes forward through the next door.
The room beyond is similar, but smaller. Only two statues stand here although they are a little larger than the ones before. Both stand tall and proud. Twilight bows her head.
“Luna. Celestia.”
Then she flops to the floor, limbs scattering in an undignified heap. “You left me a lot of work, you know that?” she huffs, squinting upwards at their stone faces, her crooked grin belying her grumbling. “Right pair of slackers, you are.” She sighs, lowering her muzzle to the floor, eyes closed.
She sits like that a while. An outside observer would be forgiven for thinking the princess was asleep. The minutes tick by.
“I think I’m going to give up my throne soon.”
“Not soon soon,” she corrects hastily, shooting up into a sitting position, “Got to find some poor sod to fob this off on, another student. Marigold’d probably throw something at me if I asked. She’s smart like that. But, well. Soon.” For the first time, her mouth curls down into a slight frown. “It’s just… a lot.Memories, good and bad. Made a lot of new friends! But they’re all dying or dead now. And any new ones will do the same.” She scrapes her hoof absently across the floor. “I kind of get why you ended up so distant from most ponies. It’s easy.”
Then, with a sniff, she shakes herself out, and hauls herself to her feet. “Anyway, got a few more years in me. A few more friends, a few more stories. Hopefully good ones, but either way I think I’ll be alright. And then I’m finding wherever you two buggered off to. Might take me awhile, but should be fun!” She throws a smirk back at the statues, already heading back to the door. “Later!”
She trots back through the door and towards the exit, slowing a little as she reaches the middle of the room. Her smug smile softens. “...I miss you girls.” For a moment, the weight on her shoulders is palpable. Then she straightens. “But we had a good run, didn’t we.” A nod, small but sure. “Yeah. A good run, all told.”
With a soft click, the door shuts behind her, and a story ends. But that’s alright. There’s always another one.
The long sigh that escapes her lips seems to take all her regal bearing with it—she slouches down, wings unfurling to practically drag against the polished marble floor. But her polite royal mask slides not into a frown, but a tired grin. Another day’s work, well done. Time for the monthly checkup.
She passes by a window, fond eyes tracing over familiar patterns, old friends and family, preserved in glass. This private wing of the castle houses older works than the main section, the great triumphs of her youth and even before—selfish maybe, but while they are pieces of her nation’s history, but they are her history too.
Slipping down a narrow corridor, she finally arrives at her destination. Nudging the door open with a wing, she steps into the small room.
“Hello girls,” Princess Twilight Sparkle says with a sleepy smile.
In front of her stand six statues arranged in a circle. Were anyone else to see this room, they might be a little confused—the history books never seem to mention the slightly manic tinge to the Bearer of Laughter’s smile, or the shy duck of Kindness’ head. They certainly never said that Loyalty was so short.
“Today was a bit of a pain in the butt, to be honest.” The princess laughs, shifting to pace around the room. “The new Dragon Lord is going on about ‘heritage’ and ‘soft ponies’—same revivalist nonsense as usual, it’ll pass. Doesn’t stop everypony from getting into a tizzy about it though.” She weaves between the statues, animating for the first time since she stepped out of court. “And we’re having some teething problems over in Cirruscinnati. You’d think somepony would realise building a new cloudcity might be difficult, given we’ve only ever made one before!” Stopping, she huffs and shakes her head, a wry grin spreading over her face. “Between you and me, I think I pulled the short straw with this job.” She runs a fond hoof over Generosity’s forehoof, thrown forward in perpetual fabulosity, before pulling away and moving towards the end of the room. “I’ll see you all next week. Nightmare Night, you know?” And with that, she pushes forward through the next door.
The room beyond is similar, but smaller. Only two statues stand here although they are a little larger than the ones before. Both stand tall and proud. Twilight bows her head.
“Luna. Celestia.”
Then she flops to the floor, limbs scattering in an undignified heap. “You left me a lot of work, you know that?” she huffs, squinting upwards at their stone faces, her crooked grin belying her grumbling. “Right pair of slackers, you are.” She sighs, lowering her muzzle to the floor, eyes closed.
She sits like that a while. An outside observer would be forgiven for thinking the princess was asleep. The minutes tick by.
“I think I’m going to give up my throne soon.”
“Not soon soon,” she corrects hastily, shooting up into a sitting position, “Got to find some poor sod to fob this off on, another student. Marigold’d probably throw something at me if I asked. She’s smart like that. But, well. Soon.” For the first time, her mouth curls down into a slight frown. “It’s just… a lot.Memories, good and bad. Made a lot of new friends! But they’re all dying or dead now. And any new ones will do the same.” She scrapes her hoof absently across the floor. “I kind of get why you ended up so distant from most ponies. It’s easy.”
Then, with a sniff, she shakes herself out, and hauls herself to her feet. “Anyway, got a few more years in me. A few more friends, a few more stories. Hopefully good ones, but either way I think I’ll be alright. And then I’m finding wherever you two buggered off to. Might take me awhile, but should be fun!” She throws a smirk back at the statues, already heading back to the door. “Later!”
She trots back through the door and towards the exit, slowing a little as she reaches the middle of the room. Her smug smile softens. “...I miss you girls.” For a moment, the weight on her shoulders is palpable. Then she straightens. “But we had a good run, didn’t we.” A nod, small but sure. “Yeah. A good run, all told.”
With a soft click, the door shuts behind her, and a story ends. But that’s alright. There’s always another one.
Pics
A few small editing glitches, but of the kind most people wouldn't notice.
It always throws me to have a character with a decidedly American voicing in the show spouting lots of Britishisms in a fanfic, but YMMV on that.
There's nothing wrong with this, but it falls into a bountifully populated genre. They can be statues or paintings or gravestones, but Twilight visits them all and reflects on them, sometimes happily and sometimes maudlin. You didn't branch out beyond that. What makes your take on it unique? If I read the short synopsis of it posted on FiMFiction, what would strike me as different from all the others there? It's a better written example than most, but in terms of the plot, there's nothing new. So it's just kind of middle of the road for me. Not bad, not surprising. Though I do prefer this version where Twilight's not over-the-top melancholy about it.
None of that is really going to help you revise this, but that's really what it needs: something to make it unique.
It always throws me to have a character with a decidedly American voicing in the show spouting lots of Britishisms in a fanfic, but YMMV on that.
There's nothing wrong with this, but it falls into a bountifully populated genre. They can be statues or paintings or gravestones, but Twilight visits them all and reflects on them, sometimes happily and sometimes maudlin. You didn't branch out beyond that. What makes your take on it unique? If I read the short synopsis of it posted on FiMFiction, what would strike me as different from all the others there? It's a better written example than most, but in terms of the plot, there's nothing new. So it's just kind of middle of the road for me. Not bad, not surprising. Though I do prefer this version where Twilight's not over-the-top melancholy about it.
None of that is really going to help you revise this, but that's really what it needs: something to make it unique.
The prose here is really clean. You strike a great balance between keeping it easy to digest while still keeping it descriptive enough to effectively build the mood. Solid text-level execution is something that has a deceptively big impact on how a piece can come across to the reader, so I wanted to highlight it as a big plus for me.
Now, I'm going to have to note that since Twilight (and most of the MLP cast) speak with a decisively North American dialect, hearing her use vernacular from across the pond did take me out of the story to a degree. I know it's sometimes hillariously difficult to realize what parts of your own speech are actually strongly localized, so I thought I'd make a few notes on the biggest offenders:
- "tizzy" is pretty rare on this continent, outside of some settings with very small children. I think it's considered more of a play-word for toddlers, on this side of the Atlantic.
- Using the word "right" as a intensifying modifier virtually never happens in American speech. I think I've actually only heard it here being used like this if someone is actively trying to mimic a British or Australian dialect.
- "Sod" feels will feel pretty archaic to most American ears, I think. An American might still use it, but is probably much more likely to say "bum" or "idiot" or "fool" instead.
- I do not ever recall encountering the word "fob" before. I understood it in the context (as, to discard or to toss away), but it's definitely something that made me do a double-take.
I mean, it was kind of cool to imagine Twilight speaking with an entirely different accent/vernacular, but I think my amusement from this mental image may have detracted a bit from what you're actually going for, here.
I will have to echo >>Pascoite that this is some well-trodden territory for most of us, but personally, I like Princess-immortality-related stuff (just look at my submission history), so I had a good time with the idea. It's a little straightforward, but in minifics I often have more trouble with fics that try to overshoot what they can do with 750 words than fics that feel overly cozy.
Thanks for submitting!
Now, I'm going to have to note that since Twilight (and most of the MLP cast) speak with a decisively North American dialect, hearing her use vernacular from across the pond did take me out of the story to a degree. I know it's sometimes hillariously difficult to realize what parts of your own speech are actually strongly localized, so I thought I'd make a few notes on the biggest offenders:
- "tizzy" is pretty rare on this continent, outside of some settings with very small children. I think it's considered more of a play-word for toddlers, on this side of the Atlantic.
- Using the word "right" as a intensifying modifier virtually never happens in American speech. I think I've actually only heard it here being used like this if someone is actively trying to mimic a British or Australian dialect.
- "Sod" feels will feel pretty archaic to most American ears, I think. An American might still use it, but is probably much more likely to say "bum" or "idiot" or "fool" instead.
- I do not ever recall encountering the word "fob" before. I understood it in the context (as, to discard or to toss away), but it's definitely something that made me do a double-take.
I mean, it was kind of cool to imagine Twilight speaking with an entirely different accent/vernacular, but I think my amusement from this mental image may have detracted a bit from what you're actually going for, here.
I will have to echo >>Pascoite that this is some well-trodden territory for most of us, but personally, I like Princess-immortality-related stuff (just look at my submission history), so I had a good time with the idea. It's a little straightforward, but in minifics I often have more trouble with fics that try to overshoot what they can do with 750 words than fics that feel overly cozy.
Thanks for submitting!
Not naming the "Princess" at the start of the story... I understand the narrative choice, but anybody paying close attention to the story would know that you're trying to keep the Princess's identity a mystery. In theory, it sets up the audience to assume it's Celestia or Luna, only to reveal that, whoop, it was Twilight all along. Shocking~!
Except, in practice, it... doesn't. Because stories like this have been done so much, so many times, that anybody who's been in the fandom long enough would see the twist coming a mile away. Which means it doesn't land, which means, ultimately, it's not helping your story at all.
I have no problem with a good cliche, so long as it's used effectively. I think you... sort of do? There's angst in here, but it's unusually optimistic angst. Does that make sense? Twilight's clearly burdened by the deaths of so many friends, but she's also very well-adjusted, and just seems to treat it as a fact of life, of her role in Equestrian society. I approve of that. This story acknowledges the burdens that comes with alicorn longevity, without letting the protagonist become self-indulgent over those burdens.
But it's also a mixed bag, for reasons I explained above.
I guess I'd suggest that you do a little more to establish how much time has passed since Twilight took the throne, too. We can infer it's been a while, if there's a new dragon lord (I assume dragons are long-lived, and don't abdicate willy-nilly, which means Ember presumably sat the throne for quite some time), but the ambiguity leaves me curious. How long has Twilight been alone, exactly? How much time has she had to process her grief?
...also, there are at least two cloud cities in MLP. Las Pegasus and Cloudsdale.you ffffffffffffake pony fan.
Except, in practice, it... doesn't. Because stories like this have been done so much, so many times, that anybody who's been in the fandom long enough would see the twist coming a mile away. Which means it doesn't land, which means, ultimately, it's not helping your story at all.
I have no problem with a good cliche, so long as it's used effectively. I think you... sort of do? There's angst in here, but it's unusually optimistic angst. Does that make sense? Twilight's clearly burdened by the deaths of so many friends, but she's also very well-adjusted, and just seems to treat it as a fact of life, of her role in Equestrian society. I approve of that. This story acknowledges the burdens that comes with alicorn longevity, without letting the protagonist become self-indulgent over those burdens.
But it's also a mixed bag, for reasons I explained above.
I guess I'd suggest that you do a little more to establish how much time has passed since Twilight took the throne, too. We can infer it's been a while, if there's a new dragon lord (I assume dragons are long-lived, and don't abdicate willy-nilly, which means Ember presumably sat the throne for quite some time), but the ambiguity leaves me curious. How long has Twilight been alone, exactly? How much time has she had to process her grief?
...also, there are at least two cloud cities in MLP. Las Pegasus and Cloudsdale.
Your prose here is good. Economical.
I think everyone else has already highlighted the problems, but you definitely picked a cliche plot. The idea could have flopped pretty hard given that, and I don't think it did entirely which is to your credit, but I think you might find it hard to turn this into something more than it is now.
I think everyone else has already highlighted the problems, but you definitely picked a cliche plot. The idea could have flopped pretty hard given that, and I don't think it did entirely which is to your credit, but I think you might find it hard to turn this into something more than it is now.
I'm sure that pretty much everyone here has mentioned that this story plays off the whole 'alicorns live long lives' cliche, so you must be tired of listening to yet another opinion on that subject. I will say though, I admire the fact that this story feels like the work of someone sticking true to their guns instead of overreaching their bases. It may not be impressive in the greater scheme of things, but I much prefer this over the usual hodgepodge of stories trying (and mostly stumbling) to prove a grandiose point of sorts, so props.
Overall, the prose is simple and clean. but rather fine-tuned as well— the first sentence alone is tantamount to how well-constructed the story is in general. There are a few hiccups about that did nudge the pacing a little, though nothing too serious that I stumbled with it halfway through. The tone is also forgivingly bright, especially when I consider the general sequence of events leading up this. It's nice, honestly. To me, it shifts the focus less on death and grieving to more on the general impermanence of life.
Britishness aside, the depiction of Twilight here sorta amplifies my previous impression. I wholly admire the restraint shown when she was chatting with the statues of her friends, though it did make the abrupt descent into gloominess when she had the chat with stonefaced Celestia and Luna a lot more palpable. Her chat with the Alicorn Sisters did feel a little bit melodramatic for a story of this caliber. I'm thinking it stemmed from lack of time, perhaps? Whatever it was, it did dampen my experience with this entry a little.
Oh, and there's one other thing that I don't think my fellow reviewers have not mentioned yet which I find particularly interesting: the fact that this story is told in the present tense. To me, it builds upon the fact that Twilight came to see her old friends and the Alicorn Sisters not to talk about everything that's been, but everything that's happening in the present. Unintended or otherwise, that alone added another layer of depth to my experience with this story, personally, so props.
So, conclusion? I kinda like this one on my first read, but I find my experience with this story improving on subsequent re-reads. It may have a rather standard plot and it may not possess any immediate conflict that might warrant my attention, but it gave me a few cozy minutes away from the hectic miscellany of everyday life despite its subject matter. If you'd ask me, that's honestly all this story ever needed to do.
Twilight does have the right idea of not simply giving up the throne though. Strong and stable government and all that.
Overall, the prose is simple and clean. but rather fine-tuned as well— the first sentence alone is tantamount to how well-constructed the story is in general. There are a few hiccups about that did nudge the pacing a little, though nothing too serious that I stumbled with it halfway through. The tone is also forgivingly bright, especially when I consider the general sequence of events leading up this. It's nice, honestly. To me, it shifts the focus less on death and grieving to more on the general impermanence of life.
Britishness aside, the depiction of Twilight here sorta amplifies my previous impression. I wholly admire the restraint shown when she was chatting with the statues of her friends, though it did make the abrupt descent into gloominess when she had the chat with stonefaced Celestia and Luna a lot more palpable. Her chat with the Alicorn Sisters did feel a little bit melodramatic for a story of this caliber. I'm thinking it stemmed from lack of time, perhaps? Whatever it was, it did dampen my experience with this entry a little.
Oh, and there's one other thing that I don't think my fellow reviewers have not mentioned yet which I find particularly interesting: the fact that this story is told in the present tense. To me, it builds upon the fact that Twilight came to see her old friends and the Alicorn Sisters not to talk about everything that's been, but everything that's happening in the present. Unintended or otherwise, that alone added another layer of depth to my experience with this story, personally, so props.
So, conclusion? I kinda like this one on my first read, but I find my experience with this story improving on subsequent re-reads. It may have a rather standard plot and it may not possess any immediate conflict that might warrant my attention, but it gave me a few cozy minutes away from the hectic miscellany of everyday life despite its subject matter. If you'd ask me, that's honestly all this story ever needed to do.
Twilight does have the right idea of not simply giving up the throne though. Strong and stable government and all that.
Not much that hasn't been said, except I'm wondering if the very thick layering of Britishisms instead of the usual North American dialect isn't itself an indicator of how much time has passed for this Twilight. We know old Equestrian resembled ye olden English (thanks Luna) so it's within reason to think future Equestrian would round back from American and into British again. May have even had an Australian phase in there?
Now, I am the PatronSaint Sucker of Present-Tense, Semi-Angsty, Immortal Princess Twilight, so you've definitely checked all my boxes and plucked all my strings here. My only question during this walk down memory lane is, "where are Cadance and Flurry?"
I sense a deeper mystery to be solved!
Now, I am the Patron
I sense a deeper mystery to be solved!
The only thing I have to add here is something I see a lot in minific rounds, which is a very short entry that starts as slowly as a novel. The first few paragraphs of this story don't do much except introduce a character, slowly, and describe a setting we aren't going to stay in very long. But AAHHHHH THERE'S NO TIME.
Those words can be used much more economically, I think. Even in this case, if we'd opened with Twilight saying hi to statues, literally in the first line even, we would already be where we need to be, without confusion. And then you can use those words on more dialogue, more closure, more things that matter to the story. You know, those parts of the story you loved that you had to cut.
That's all from me! Good luck in the shakedown.
Those words can be used much more economically, I think. Even in this case, if we'd opened with Twilight saying hi to statues, literally in the first line even, we would already be where we need to be, without confusion. And then you can use those words on more dialogue, more closure, more things that matter to the story. You know, those parts of the story you loved that you had to cut.
That's all from me! Good luck in the shakedown.
'Unfolds' is a weird mental image to start on without context. The drooping later is much easier to follow
After that initial misstep, though, the prose and imagery were strong. One thing that threw me, though - six statues? I'm not sure who the sixth would be. I wondered a little about the Celestia/Luna statues as well, but that was addressed.
I'm not sure why, but right from the get go I did envision the unnamed princess as Twilight, so the reveal did not have as much impact as it might have.
The emotions felt authentic and the dialog flowed smoothly, so while it didn't tread the newest of ground, plot-wise it was still pleasant. There was a shade or two of difference to the character voicing, though. While this partly an attitude thing from experience, the British-isms that others have mentioned are probably also a factor.
My caveats didn't keep me from enjoying it, though, and I found it to be a nice little character piece overall.
After that initial misstep, though, the prose and imagery were strong. One thing that threw me, though - six statues? I'm not sure who the sixth would be. I wondered a little about the Celestia/Luna statues as well, but that was addressed.
I'm not sure why, but right from the get go I did envision the unnamed princess as Twilight, so the reveal did not have as much impact as it might have.
The emotions felt authentic and the dialog flowed smoothly, so while it didn't tread the newest of ground, plot-wise it was still pleasant. There was a shade or two of difference to the character voicing, though. While this partly an attitude thing from experience, the British-isms that others have mentioned are probably also a factor.
My caveats didn't keep me from enjoying it, though, and I found it to be a nice little character piece overall.
So... long-lived Twilight princess who managed to outlive not just her friends but Celestia and Luna too (and probably her parents). I haven't read much in the way of immortal/long-lived Twilight stories so I'm coming in feeling that this isn't cliched.
This is a good look into how Twilight would end up in, well, a long-lived situation... and it's coping through talking to statues. Given the indeterminate amount of years (or decades or centuries even) she must've lived in this case, you accurately portray Twilight triyng to put on a smiling mask for her dead friends who may not even be there soul-wise but in the afterlife proper.
It's also a nice twist to the Not the Whole Truth prompt, in that Twilight is, in a way, trying to disregard a part of the truth (of her dead friends) to herself whenever she visits this place.
Overall, a cool story and a unique take on the Twilight-outlives-her-friends trope! Very nice!
This is a good look into how Twilight would end up in, well, a long-lived situation... and it's coping through talking to statues. Given the indeterminate amount of years (or decades or centuries even) she must've lived in this case, you accurately portray Twilight triyng to put on a smiling mask for her dead friends who may not even be there soul-wise but in the afterlife proper.
It's also a nice twist to the Not the Whole Truth prompt, in that Twilight is, in a way, trying to disregard a part of the truth (of her dead friends) to herself whenever she visits this place.
Overall, a cool story and a unique take on the Twilight-outlives-her-friends trope! Very nice!
~Time for the final bout...~
So...
This story really didn't go where it was supposed to.
Unlike In Your Quietest Voice, I didn't really know what I was going for here? I had a concept (one that I don't think I really achieved) but no real idea of how I was going to realise it. I just kind of sat down and wrote.
But I'm not too unhappy with the result. It's far from my best work, but my overall impression is that people at least thought it was 'solid', which I'll happily take for what it was. And while I was intending for a more melancholic story about memory (good and bad) and how time changes how you view the people and places of your past, I think this alicorn-angst-that-isn't still hovers in the same thematic area, even if it doesn't quite land in the right place.
It also ended up being something of a goodbye to the series for me? Not the fandom, but G4 is slowly but surely coming to and end, and it's been a big part of my life for a good few years, and a HUGE part of me slowly becoming a writer. I'll miss it, but it's had a good run, and there's a lot of good things to remember.
I'm not going to do the one-by-one and line-by-line response I did for In Your Quietest Voice, so this'll all just be one big comment. In that vein, I'll say it here: I fucked up with the Britishisms. Twilight is very much speaking in my voice not hers, and my only defense is that it was about 3AM and I was a bit drunk. I wish I could say I'm sorry, but I find myself kind of enjoying the effect? It's ridiculous, but amusingly so (to me at least).
>>Pascoite
I definitely struggled a lot with finding some way to make this unique or stand out in any way from alicorn Twilight angst fics numbers 1 through 15 million. I didn't really think I'd succeeded, and evidently you agree. I'm still happy I got in two entries though, I've been trying to do that since the first time I entered, so overall this project was a success for me even if the story ended up flopping a bit.
>>Bachiavellian
Thanks! This is great to hear, I'm always trying to improve my prose and not just my story-telling.
And I freely admit all those words are just me putting my own words into Twilight's mouth. My bad...? Surprised to hear fob is such a rare word though, it's something I've heard relatively often here in Brexitland.
I think this is why I'm more happy with this than I'd expect to be. I realised as I was writing I wasn't going to achieve the grand piece I wanted to, and instead just went for what I could. And I thinked it worked out okay.
>>Posh
This is why I'm reasonably pleased with how this story turned out. Everything you mentioned above it is why I'm not actually happy with it. If I do end up trying to rework this it'll definitely be a ground-up rewrite, and I'll keep in mind your suggestion about making the time period a bit clearer.
...
I genuinely totally forgot about Las Pegasus. Oh god I am a fake pony fan O_o
>>WritingSpirit
Going to go a bit line-by-line for this one.
Thanks! You've highlighted part of why I'm content, if not happy, with what I ended up with here. I realised I was overreaching conceptually, set my sights a little lower and ended up making something that feels solid, if not anything great.
As I said earlier, I was initially trying to write a story not about death and grieving but about memory. I think that affected how this came out a lot. And I'm definitely a lot happier with the brighter tone than I would have been with "oh no, all my friends are dead, I am so sad". And if I managed to make you think about the "general impermanence of life" then quite frankly mission accomplished!
Also, I was really pleased with that first sentence, so I'm super happy you liked it so much. ^_^
You're right that the chat with the sisters ended up being a bit abrupt from lack of time, and gloomier than the rest of it. I think, in restrospect, that I should have just had Twilight asking them what they were up to and where they were in the same kind of way people typically write postcards, and ditched the "I'm giving up my crown!" bit.
For what this is, this is the highest praise you could offer. That's two for two on comments from you for this round!
This gave me a sudden image of Twilight with Theresa May's face. I now have tea in my sinuses.
>>Rao
This is such a cool idea and I wish I could claim credit for being that smart. But no, it was just me getting a little too into the dialogue writing.
But yeah, I'm retroactively declaring this 100% canon. Because it's awesome.
As for Cadance and Flurry? Well Flurry is busy trying to figure out how the heck to run an Empire/city-state, whilst sending panicked letters to her Aunt Twilight asking for help (who suddenly has a much better understanding of Celestia's schadenfreude). Cadance buggered off to somewhere else much like Celestia and Luna. She's definitely not the source of those rumours about an isolated tribe finding their fertility goddess and becoming her harem, no sirree.
...Man, I should have included these two in the fic.
>>Miller Minus
Pretty much spot on. As always. Don't have much else to say as I don't think I'm rewriting this, but if I were, I'd be coming back to this comment.
>>Miller Minus
YEA BOIIII *ahem* Yeah I was pretty proud of that one!
>>Caliaponia
The sixth statue is totally Starlight/Sunset/Spike?/Shining Armour/Somone beginning with S and absolutely definitely not a mistake I made like an idiot.
Definitely.
ANYWAY, thanks for reading and for your comment! I'm glad you liked it even with its issues.
>>Comma Typer
I'm actually astounded you've managed to avoid the absolute deluge of immortal/long-lived Twilight stories that exist throughout the fandom but particularly on fimfic. Well done, I guess? And it should definitely help your reading experience if you can scrounge out some of the good ones!
And yes, you're right! Just because she's relatively cheerful, doesn't change that Twilight is in fact talking to statues. And while I hadn't personally thought of that take on the original prompt, it fits quite well.
Again, thank you all for reading and reviewing. Both are very much appreciated.
So...
This story really didn't go where it was supposed to.
Unlike In Your Quietest Voice, I didn't really know what I was going for here? I had a concept (one that I don't think I really achieved) but no real idea of how I was going to realise it. I just kind of sat down and wrote.
But I'm not too unhappy with the result. It's far from my best work, but my overall impression is that people at least thought it was 'solid', which I'll happily take for what it was. And while I was intending for a more melancholic story about memory (good and bad) and how time changes how you view the people and places of your past, I think this alicorn-angst-that-isn't still hovers in the same thematic area, even if it doesn't quite land in the right place.
It also ended up being something of a goodbye to the series for me? Not the fandom, but G4 is slowly but surely coming to and end, and it's been a big part of my life for a good few years, and a HUGE part of me slowly becoming a writer. I'll miss it, but it's had a good run, and there's a lot of good things to remember.
I'm not going to do the one-by-one and line-by-line response I did for In Your Quietest Voice, so this'll all just be one big comment. In that vein, I'll say it here: I fucked up with the Britishisms. Twilight is very much speaking in my voice not hers, and my only defense is that it was about 3AM and I was a bit drunk. I wish I could say I'm sorry, but I find myself kind of enjoying the effect? It's ridiculous, but amusingly so (to me at least).
>>Pascoite
I definitely struggled a lot with finding some way to make this unique or stand out in any way from alicorn Twilight angst fics numbers 1 through 15 million. I didn't really think I'd succeeded, and evidently you agree. I'm still happy I got in two entries though, I've been trying to do that since the first time I entered, so overall this project was a success for me even if the story ended up flopping a bit.
>>Bachiavellian
The prose here is really clean. You strike a great balance between keeping it easy to digest while still keeping it descriptive enough to effectively build the mood. Solid text-level execution is something that has a deceptively big impact on how a piece can come across to the reader, so I wanted to highlight it as a big plus for me.
Thanks! This is great to hear, I'm always trying to improve my prose and not just my story-telling.
And I freely admit all those words are just me putting my own words into Twilight's mouth. My bad...? Surprised to hear fob is such a rare word though, it's something I've heard relatively often here in Brexitland.
I like Princess-immortality-related stuff (just look at my submission history), so I had a good time with the idea. It's a little straightforward, but in minifics I often have more trouble with fics that try to overshoot what they can do with 750 words than fics that feel overly cozy.
I think this is why I'm more happy with this than I'd expect to be. I realised as I was writing I wasn't going to achieve the grand piece I wanted to, and instead just went for what I could. And I thinked it worked out okay.
>>Posh
I have no problem with a good cliche, so long as it's used effectively. I think you... sort of do? There's angst in here, but it's unusually optimistic angst. Does that make sense? Twilight's clearly burdened by the deaths of so many friends, but she's also very well-adjusted, and just seems to treat it as a fact of life, of her role in Equestrian society. I approve of that. This story acknowledges the burdens that comes with alicorn longevity, without letting the protagonist become self-indulgent over those burdens.
This is why I'm reasonably pleased with how this story turned out. Everything you mentioned above it is why I'm not actually happy with it. If I do end up trying to rework this it'll definitely be a ground-up rewrite, and I'll keep in mind your suggestion about making the time period a bit clearer.
...also, there are at least two cloud cities in MLP. Las Pegasus and Cloudsdale. you ffffffffffffake pony fan.
...
I genuinely totally forgot about Las Pegasus. Oh god I am a fake pony fan O_o
>>WritingSpirit
Going to go a bit line-by-line for this one.
I admire the fact that this story feels like the work of someone sticking true to their guns instead of overreaching their bases. It may not be impressive in the greater scheme of things, but I much prefer this over the usual hodgepodge of stories trying (and mostly stumbling) to prove a grandiose point of sorts, so props.
Thanks! You've highlighted part of why I'm content, if not happy, with what I ended up with here. I realised I was overreaching conceptually, set my sights a little lower and ended up making something that feels solid, if not anything great.
Overall, the prose is simple and clean. but rather fine-tuned as well— the first sentence alone is tantamount to how well-constructed the story is in general. There are a few hiccups about that did nudge the pacing a little, though nothing too serious that I stumbled with it halfway through. The tone is also forgivingly bright, especially when I consider the general sequence of events leading up this. It's nice, honestly. To me, it shifts the focus less on death and grieving to more on the general impermanence of life.
As I said earlier, I was initially trying to write a story not about death and grieving but about memory. I think that affected how this came out a lot. And I'm definitely a lot happier with the brighter tone than I would have been with "oh no, all my friends are dead, I am so sad". And if I managed to make you think about the "general impermanence of life" then quite frankly mission accomplished!
Also, I was really pleased with that first sentence, so I'm super happy you liked it so much. ^_^
You're right that the chat with the sisters ended up being a bit abrupt from lack of time, and gloomier than the rest of it. I think, in restrospect, that I should have just had Twilight asking them what they were up to and where they were in the same kind of way people typically write postcards, and ditched the "I'm giving up my crown!" bit.
I kinda like this one on my first read, but I find my experience with this story improving on subsequent re-reads. It may have a rather standard plot and it may not possess any immediate conflict that might warrant my attention, but it gave me a few cozy minutes away from the hectic miscellany of everyday life despite its subject matter. If you'd ask me, that's honestly all this story ever needed to do.
For what this is, this is the highest praise you could offer. That's two for two on comments from you for this round!
Twilight does have the right idea of not simply giving up the throne though. Strong and stable government and all that.
This gave me a sudden image of Twilight with Theresa May's face. I now have tea in my sinuses.
>>Rao
This is such a cool idea and I wish I could claim credit for being that smart. But no, it was just me getting a little too into the dialogue writing.
But yeah, I'm retroactively declaring this 100% canon. Because it's awesome.
As for Cadance and Flurry? Well Flurry is busy trying to figure out how the heck to run an Empire/city-state, whilst sending panicked letters to her Aunt Twilight asking for help (who suddenly has a much better understanding of Celestia's schadenfreude). Cadance buggered off to somewhere else much like Celestia and Luna. She's definitely not the source of those rumours about an isolated tribe finding their fertility goddess and becoming her harem, no sirree.
...Man, I should have included these two in the fic.
>>Miller Minus
Pretty much spot on. As always. Don't have much else to say as I don't think I'm rewriting this, but if I were, I'd be coming back to this comment.
>>Miller Minus
>>Caliaponia
The sixth statue is totally Starlight/Sunset/Spike?/Shining Armour/Somone beginning with S and absolutely definitely not a mistake I made like an idiot.
Definitely.
ANYWAY, thanks for reading and for your comment! I'm glad you liked it even with its issues.
>>Comma Typer
I'm actually astounded you've managed to avoid the absolute deluge of immortal/long-lived Twilight stories that exist throughout the fandom but particularly on fimfic. Well done, I guess? And it should definitely help your reading experience if you can scrounge out some of the good ones!
And yes, you're right! Just because she's relatively cheerful, doesn't change that Twilight is in fact talking to statues. And while I hadn't personally thought of that take on the original prompt, it fits quite well.
Again, thank you all for reading and reviewing. Both are very much appreciated.