This is:

The sort of story for which spoiler text was invented, so I'll just say out here that it's very nicely done, then take the rest under the cover of darkness.

I'm terrible at figuring out these sorts of puzzle stories, so thank you, author, for having Shining Armor come in halfway through to tell me what's going on. I've noticed that a lot of smart authors assume their readers are just as smart and don't make allowances for those like me who aren't. So introducing a character like this in the middle who can help me out while not being an annoyance to readers who have figured it out is quite a good touch.

There are also a couple details I'd suggest adding in--'cause a story like this is all about the details. Maybe have Discord insist that Cadance use her magic to take them from his house back to Canterlot: that whole process gets swallowed up in the scene change now, but you could use it to introduce the idea of magic use being suspicious. You set up the notes Cadance has hidden in the vase and the saddlebags quite nicely, but then they don't figure into the story after that: maybe in the next scene, it can be the saddlebag that Shiny brings her, and it's got the book inside. I'd also suggest in the last scene that Cadance automatically turn the end table around to access the drawer, then stop and wonder how she knew to do that. That'll tie an image from the first scene in at the end, and I'm a sucker for that sort of thing.

First story I've read, and it's gonna be a hard one to top!

Mike

She turned around and found a wizened unicorn stallion, his neck bent under the weight of a lengthy beard and a thick set of spectacles.

Oh god, it's another take on Time Enough for Love, in which Twilight Velvet learns the magic of adultery from Starswirl.

Dammit, CoffeeMinion...

This was going along smoothly for me. I loved the way Twilight Velvet was written; you can hear the voice of her daughter in her dialogue and her wit. I loved a lot of the visuals in here, too, especially the stair-chair. The Stchair. Cool concept, awesome visual.

And then it kinda... veered off course when she and Celestia started jousting. Twilight Velvet gets way too stern, way too quickly, with Celestia, and the tone of their conversation darkens considerably, almost on a dime. And while I appreciate her being such a strong mother, and an advocate for her daughter, the fact that she just starts mouthing off to Equestria's resident divine sun-god does not feel realistic.

Looking at the word count, it's obvious that there was a lot of room for development, and if you revisit this story after the Writeoff, that's where I'd suggest you invest most of your energy. Flesh out that conversation. Try and strike a different tone. I loved the assumption Celestia made about Velvet, that she was some sort of slimy lawyer type (although... wouldn't Celly have taken the time to learn as much as she could about Twilight Sparkle's family before taking her under her very literal wing?), and I think an approach more in line with that, where the characters spar through pleasant rhetoric and subtext, would better capture the kind of feel you're going for in that scene.

Also not sure how I feel about Velvet's mini-episode in the second-to-last scene.

Overall, an utter disaster and a failure. 8/10.

“Lead on, MacGuff.”

It's "lay on." Has nobody around here ever read Macbeth played Uncharted 3 before?

This feels weird to me. Like it's an in-joke in story form, and I'm just not in on it. I can definitely appreciate the sci-fi approach, and I like the way both characters are written, and CelestAI is herself a delight, but the context for the piece is... well. There's no context for it. I think I was supposed to do some additional reading before I picked up this one?

I do think it's cute, though. And funny, and witty, and a bunch of other positive adjectives that my headache-addled, sleep-wanting mind can't conjure just now. 8/10.

Oh:

The huge manatees.

Next, please.

Mike

It had been a month since Goldie earned her cutie mark. Apparently she'd learned a heating spell from a book in the library, and used it to melt down a few one bit coins. She had wanted to make a bracelet for her mother for Mother's Day, and ended up earning her Cutie Mark… A half finished golden ring, with the top being drops of molten gold being added to finish it.

Ah, so her special talent is being Celebrimbor, chief of the Elven smiths of Eregion. Watch out that Sauron feller, Goldie; I hear he's a bad egg.

I'm gonna be highly critical of this story, and I'm not gonna mince words. I know it goes without saying, but please don't take any of what I'm about to say personally. You did make me smile and go "d'aww" on more than one occasion while I was reading this. But I don't feel like it quite achieves its full potential.

Sappy, fluffy, slice of life is my bread and butter, so this is a story that strongly appealed to me, enough that I could overlook the little editing mishaps that didn't get ironed out before submission. Loved the characters, loved their relationship, loved the way you broke the story up into little chunks of their lives together.

But I think that, ultimately, the story is an empty one And there are two reasons for that. The first, and most obvious, is that the leap from Stoney realizing that he's in love with Goldie to Stoney proposing is so drastic and sudden. I was expecting a reversal where Goldie declined his proposal and their friendship fell apart. And when that didn't happen, and the story ended, I felt a little let down.

It felt like a key moment in the story was missing. The moment where the two of them actually connected, and did or said something that indicated they were moving beyond a simple friendship with one another. It didn't need to be something grand or clicheic, like a first kiss with baited breath and tongues engaging in an EPIC BATTLE FOR DOMINANCE. A look between them, a moment of mutual understanding, something that changes their dynamic and brings their feelings for one another to the forefront (that's another thing: since we only see the story from Stoney's perspective, and we don't see anything from Goldie, we have no way of knowing until the end of the story that Goldie actually reciprocates his feelings. For all we know, she's gay as fuck and just has really good chemistry with him). Maybe something that initially drives them apart, before bringing them together at the end for the proposal.

And that actually leads into the second problem I had with the story. There's no conflict. There's no impediment to their romance, besides the two of them parting ways after Goldie gets her Celebrimbor mark. This is a love story, and the drama that drives the story should come from impediments to their love. You reference arguments that happened early on in their collaboration, but how about showing them to us? And/or doing something towards the end that throws the resolution of the story into question?

There's no climax, basically. There's no climax because there's no conflict, and there's no conflict because, despite the fact that you've created two characters who I did want to see end up together, you did nothing to make me think that they ultimately would not. There was no tension for me to worry over, and ultimately, little for me to get invested in. By the halfway mark, I was pretty positive I knew how the story was going to end, but I was holding out hope for a twist that never came. And then I was sad.

Plenty to like, but plenty to expand upon, too. I must reluctantly bestow upon this story a shameful score of 8/10/

>>Posh
Oh my god you're seriously giving every story an 8/10.

You clever devil you.

Right from the beginning, the viewpoint seems a little off. Our narration seems unsure whether it wants to sit inside or outside Stone's head, and ends up doing both poorly. Who, for example, makes this judgement? “The little colt's face scrunched up adorably …” This also comes over in the bizarrely formal and logical way his decision not to cry is framed. That's fine for an external narrator talking about a child, but if you want to be in his head then you'd be better off demonstrating how all this new stuff is catching attention rather than just talking about it.

(You can pull a trick like this off, if you subordinate the subjective narration to the objective, but that doesn't happen here.)

Now here's an overloaded sentence: “Smiling excitedly he began to explore in earnest, trotting about as quickly as his four little legs would take him, giggling as the tall grass tickled his stomach.” Aside from the grammar problems, you'd do better cutting it up unless there's something yu want to convey by such a sentence structure.

And in the next section: “the yellow furred filly” should be “the yellow-haired filly” should be “filly” should be “Golden Ring”.

More generally, the prose is getting rather dull here. You achieve descriptions by cramming in adjectives and adverbs. A few are useful now and then; otherwise, cut them back. If you want descriptive richenss, there are better ways. Aside from that, I see what may be a victim of the fool's version of show-don't-tell: The conversations are littered with a stream of small, cliché actions – rolling eyes, sighing, and the like. Cut back on those too.

Ah, now, nearing the end. The scene of Stone and Goldie working together is one of the strongest in your story. It's a demonstration of how well they get on together. This is how you make points with fiction. Then … you kind of ruin it: “This feeling of closeness. Of working together so seamlessly. Of being two parts of a single whole. Of being together with the mare at his side.” We don't need these reflections; we've already got the message.

Finally, to the end. And I'm afraid all my above criticisms are minor compared to the big one, which is that there's not really anything here. The story is all flash and no substance. In a love story – or any story about character dynamics – you start with the characters. From character springs action, the dynamics of the story: The choices they make, how they (struggle to) relate to one another, how they react to the events around them. The best love stories, in my experience, give the characters a reason to annoy each other, and a better reason for them to stay together.

But you don't have characters. You have names and coat colours going through various situations. Att he end of this I have no real idea who Stone and Goldie are in any meaningful sense. So lacking this engine of character, the story is powered by nothing but superficial life events, random chance, and sentimentality.

For where you might want to develop this, let's go back to an early scene. Goldie has failed to do her homework and needs to copy Stone's. Why? Is she lazy, easily distracted, a massive fan of comics, really close to her dad … ? If you work through this, it can come back into the story in various guises, affect the plot, and so forth. And what about Stone – he got punished for helping her. How does he feel about this? Is he angry? If not, is he a pushover? In either case, why? Just continue to develop like this – that's how you grow characters.

This piece maintains a strong linearity of narrative structure, which can lend great power to a work. However, I find that the author’s focus on a single character undermines the whole, as the other characters seem unable to find a voice.

Tier: Shed.
As in, take it out to the shed.

>>GroaningGreyAgony
I think you're missing the protagonist's transfiguration by outside forces is actually a political allegory representing how many people feel like the world has changed from under their feet, ironically due to a frog.

You can't help but wonder if it would be so bad to end up in Big Mac's horseshoes, or Pinchy's, or her mom's, or anypony else's for that matter.

Jeez, pal. The story may not have been stellar, but it's not as if it makes me want to kill myself.

In all seriousness, outside of a few minor disagreements with headcanon here and there, I liked most of the story. Also while I'm not a fan of 2nd person (I just can't get over the dissonance of reading things I know I'm not doing or thinking) I think it was pulled off efficiently here.

But while I won't gripe about a stylistic decision, I have to say that being so coy at the beggining made it hard for me to get into the rythm of the story until some ways into it. What exactly does addressing the reader in such a manner add to the story? Why not let those thoughts form on their own instead of just throwing them like that?

Speaking about positive aspects, though... I liked that the ascension of the Mane6 is just in the background and serves just to add a little spice to each entry. The idea of using several points of view to narrate a single event is always fun to read.

And always be sure to label your meds clearly.

Actually, you should be able to see the frog's struggle for identity in a world where his/her/xe's color has been abruptly and cruelly changed in a forcible fashion by forces beyond comprehension, thus forcing froggy into a new world shaped to expectations the frog is unable meet without significant financial recompensation from the aggressor.

Green lives matter!

>>Syeekoh I didn't know Posh was from Lake Wobegon :)

I'll focus:

On two points, one specific and one general.

The specific point is: that opening scene is way too long. I'm terrible at figuring stuff out, but even I knew what was happening after about the fifth paragraph. And yet the scene kept going on and on and on and on. "Brevity is the soul of wit," someone easily Googleable once said, so make the joke short and sweet, then get on with the story.

The general point is: watch your POV. This is especially vital in a romance story, I've always found, 'cause the story's all about the characters, their thoughts and feelings and how they come together. When you hop from head to head at more or less random intervals the way you do here, it makes it really hard for me to settle in and get to know either character. Just as I'm getting used to seeing the world through one set of eyes, I'm being popped out and plopped down into place behind the other set of eyes. So I'd recommend sticking with one character per scene. Put up one of those little dividing bars when the first scene's over, then start the next scene in the other character's head. The third scene takes us back to the first character, the fourth scene back to the second character, and on and on like that. Give us time to settle in with each character, and the story'll be the stronger for it.

Mike

This was very comfy. As expected from a story told mostly from within the mind of Celestia. Taking the reader through Celestia's thought process on how to guide Twilight towards the Elements of Harmony and the redemption of Luna.

I only wish the reversal of her decision had been more gradual instead of happening in the span of a few paragraphs. Myabe starting with her mind set on telling everythign to Twilight, but as the story progresses, she doubts and finally decides to take a different path.

On that note, perhaps it would benefit the story if the process of Celestia's decision making wasn't kept just to her mind? By this I mean that external factors should play directly in Celestia's plan. The way it is right now, you could have Celestia have those same thoughts in her study and end with her sending Twilight a letter and the book, and the story wouldn't change all that much.

If what Twilight says and does act as a catalyst for Celestia's change of mind, then the story becomes less one-note, it becomes more vivid. For example, when Twilight mentions how she doesn't have many friends, that could be brought in to hammer Celestia's decision of sending Twilight to make friends in Ponyville, and tie it together with her mission of redeeming Luna.

It's just an idea, but the story could benefit from taking influence from what happens around Celestia instead of confining it to her own thoughs.

(According to random.org, this fic is where I start reviewing!)

I'll comment on the story and the writing separately, since there are things that can be improved in both cases.

First, the writing. I assume the title is correct because this story could use some editing, so maybe being really picky here won't help you much. I think you could benefit from focusing on show-don't-tell, although you clearly understand the concept because in much of the story you do it very well! But there are several places you didn't do it well. One example from the beginning:

Twilight panicked.

Don't tell us that. Show us. Maybe something like, "Twilight began pacing rapidly in circles, and one of her eyes started to twitch." It's cheating to tell the audience Twilight panicked. Your job as an author is to trick the reader into thinking that Twilight is panicking without actually saying it—and this is very hard to do! But it's also critical for good writing.

Here's probably the worst one (sic):

Luna turned from the books and replied. She explained that Celestia had been shocked on seeing Luna and the servants that morning. She beleived that they had all been transfigured into new forms. And, judging by her reaction, grotesque ones.

Not only are you not showing us Celestia being shocked (which can be okay if the story's short and the scene unimportant), you're not even showing us what Luna says when she gives the exposition. I have to assume this is time-related, but try to keep it in mind. When you have time to edit, it's very useful to go back through your work and ask, am I being too telly here? Is there too much exposition?

Something related to both the story, and showing: I was very confused by the premise because you never show us precisely what the new forms look like. Consequently, I assumed that everything was identical except the ponies had hands instead of forehooves (they were still on all fours), and I didn't understand why that wasn't extremely uncomfortable. It's easy in a case like this to assume the reader knows what you're thinking, but here you need to be more explicit.

Now for story-specific things.

In general, I had a hard time differentiating between what was supposed to be drama and what was supposed to be comedy. I suspect you wanted this to seem comedic, and if that's the case, I'd dial it up a notch (not everywhere, but in the places where exaggeration prevails).

I think the premise was interesting, although as I mentioned I was confused by what you meant by the change. I can't see Celestia making the assumption that Twilight would have noticed the same thing, so the current setup wasn't believable in retrospect. As the author, you should be able to write (in your head) Celestia's morning even if you don't show us, so you know it makes sense. (That said, you really should show us!)

Twilight running away from her friends seemed out of character to me. At least she could have mentioned to them that she'd meet them at the castle before galloping away.

The concept behind the ending was good, but the ending itself was a deus ex that didn't work for me. If you want somepony like you-know-who to be responsible for what happened, you need to drop hints along the way. Otherwise, the reader will feel cheated for not having any clue what was going on, and the ending feels tacked-on as a result. Maybe the cause could be something else, and Twilight or Luna could actually figure out what the problem is?

In the end, your premise is neat and I think this story can be reworked into something great. But it still needs a lot of work before it can shine. :twilightsmile:

Ah, I hadn't thought about Friendship is Optimal in years.Good times.

This story was... nice, and I find myself coming short on things to say. As interesting an idea you presented, I don't think you developed it to its fullest. Main Character wakes up in virtual Equestria, CelestAI explains what happened, then the story ends.

I don't mean you have to spend several thousand words in a deep commentary about human existence, but as it stands right now, I feel this piece lacks depth. You don't make any larger point other than "My future self sure is a swell fellow!"

Entertaining, but didn't leave a major impression in me.

>>Syeekoh
>>georg

I acknowledge these points, but I find myself more intrigued by the author’s take on minimalism. Not since Ted Geisel won his famous fifty-word wager have we seen such a tale of heartfelt rage, primal outcries, and transformation and transcendence, all rendered in thirty two unique words, including plurals! If this author simply chooses a broader paintbrush, we may expect prodigies in the future. For now, my reservations remain unchanged.

This was great. I mean it, you delivered an engaging quest in a relatively short wordspan that had me hooked all the way through.

Now for the shortcomings.

I wonder if you couldn't flesh this part a bit more due to time constraints, but Cadence's stroll through the Museum of Efficient Exposition felt a bit too convenient. If you decide to expand this story, maybe have Cadence witness those events as they unfold in the dream, and she starts gathering clues about Sunburst's feelings that she can later use when she confronts him.

Also, the resolution came by a bit too fast. Just as Sunburst and Cadence start exchanging blows, Shining Armor returns and clears things up. While it makes sense that he should be the one to reach Sunburst's heart, it sort of downplays Cadence's involvment. You should aim for a balance, Cadance softening him as she tries to reason with him and then Shining coming for the final blow.

It's just a suggestion, but I think that could make the story all the more interesting. Still, this is going at the top of my slate out of the stories I've read so far.

I had to double check to make sure I hadn't accidentally entered this round, because I have seriously considered submitting a story like this before. (And I'm not just referring to my magnum opus, which did include something similar.)
This made me laugh, which I'm sure is all it really set out to do.

Just don't let Roger see this, as he will probably kill it.

10/10 would ribbit again

This is a pleasant story, but it doesn't really go anywhere unexpected, which is unfortunate due to how well you've colored your characters. Both ponies share unrealistically enmeshed lives, and there's nothing to explain the destiny involved, which makes it seem a little fake.

I think you did a good job of illustrating a healthy relationship, but the engagement makes no sense at all. The moment he realizes he's attracted to somepony, he asks to marry them? Isn't that crazy presumptuous, especially when she's never shown a romantic interest in him?

Ultimately I think you have the compatibility element illustrated very well, but there's almost no romance except for the one-sided and somewhat selfish romantic desires by one of the two ponies at the very end.

Wait, you expected us to read the same line, over and over?
How does mentioning the name of a Character count as being relevant to anything?

>>Ritsuko
I'm guessing you feel into their trap, then.

Exploration of 'Marks are open to interpretation' is done passably well here. The biggest weakness throughout story is a few spots of weak spelling/grammar/punctuation that are wrong or awkward like so::

“Oh don’t worry Sweetie Belle. Ah know how you feel, you’ve got a new path out in front of you and that’s a scary thing. You don’t have to worry your pretty little head about a thing. There ain’t never been a pony alive who didn’t understand their cutie-mark.”

This sentence doesn't feel like natural language, it scans to me more like trying to approximate the Apple-Accent, but hitting an uncanny valley. The basics are there, but I think punctuation is what's working against you here. For example, I'd have it as:

"Oh, don't worry, Sweetie Belle! Ah know how you feel. You've got a new path out in front of you, and that's a scary thing, ain't it? Well, you don't have to worry your pretty little head, ain't never been a pony alive who didn't understand their cutie-mark."

The words are almost the same (I changed a tiny bit), but you can compare them and at least to me option #2 flows much better - I can hear AJ 'speaking' it in my head much more easily than the original form.

Small typo spotted - 'Moster' instead of 'Monster hunting'.

The last few lines? Those were the strongest, which leaves the story going out on a high note, kudos there.

>>Syeekoh
>>GroaningGreyAgony

Syeekoh has to have it on the nose, I mean, consider - everyone thought we were due for a frog, but at the last moment it turned into an orange. It's definitely a commentary on political affairs, and how nothing changes. Oranges, after all, just lay there and don't move, which may be a step up from endless croaking in that at least you can sleep better.

Sorry author, I don't think this story is aimed at me.

I simply don't like oranges.

So I was 99% sure of who the author was until I got to the end. At first I was thinking Twilight was somehow consciously mucking with reality, but now it seems Twilight is literally Haruhi. And that last bit makes me think it may be a different author. Stylistically this fits Trick Question but it's missing a couple elements I think that'd be at play here.

As for the story itself? It was cool to start with but I leave the ending and feel like I am just reading a pony version of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, just with characters trying to solve the mystery and, well, failing.

Anyhow, my interpretation of what goes on for those whom the earlier spoiler text doesn't make it clear:
Twilight Sparkle is literally Omnipotent, but is not cognizant of the fact. Thus, her subconscious desires alter the world around her - which is why Cadance started as a pegasus or earth pony, and became an alicorn. The good is that her powers are used to make ponies happy; the bad is that, well - first a quick rejoinder. I cite Haruhi Suzumiya here because that's literally the plot; Haruhi is a god who doesn't know she is, and the main characters are aware of this and are trying to ensure the universe stays intact, because if Haruhi gets too unhappy...everything goes kaboom and she makes something new. This may or may not have happened before. And so, well, we get Twilight here who is doing the same, constantly rewriting Equestria. Of course, there's meta-commentary here about the show itself, as many in-world changes mirror show-arcs and reference points like that Cadance wasn't an alicorn originally and her name was Cadence until trademark nonsense kicked in. But that's a throw-off. The one bit I don't get is how Discord says he saved Equestria - my best interpretation is that if they had failed to rescue Twilight, she would have unmade and remade the world. Celestia, it seems, is aware of Twilight and her reaction is to try and pretend Twilight is a normal pony for fear of making things worse. And...the end.

My main issue with this is while the mystery is good, I'm left with a 'What now?' at the end. Like, what's the story trying to say? The best takeaway I get from it is It's okay to fuck with time and space as long as you make things better for people which is, uh, a rather abstract moral.

This is probably going to fall middle of the road for me, because what I have here feels more like the setup to a larger plot, rather than something self-contained with an ending of We can't fight fate, so just lay down and hope we don't get stepped on like bugs and that's quite, uh, Lovecraftian a moral.

I liked most all of this except the ending. I mean, I get his logic in needing to be far away, but at the same time it adds a bit of melancholy there. Understandable, and the final joke certainly helped dissipate it, but still a flash awkward.

Other than that >>Zaid Val'Roa covers much of it quite well!

My, oh my...

First of all, hats of to the author for painting the scenery of a high sci-fi alternate future without a single bit of exposition dump. It's really satisfying to be able to infer what has transpired between the setting of the show and the future you're presenting by paying attention to the small details.

You can clearly sense the motivations of the characters, their feelings, their thoughts, even the side characters feel alive and not just props thrown around to liven up a set. This is a sign of great skill, author.

That being said, for all the strengths the story has, I believe they're all brought down by a weak ending.

Early on we get the feeling things are not well between Celestia and Luna, and the conversation with Lightfeather lets us know just how bad they really are. So we have this underlying rift between the two sisters regarding San Palomino. They have very different views on the matter and have gotten into heated arguments before. So, to where does this all lead?

A reunion between the two sisters after Luna wakes up from keeping the Eternal Dream running.

It's not that such an ending wasn't expected (or welcomed) but it feels so... anticlimactic. We've been slowly teased by how the issue of San Palomino has caused so many discrepancies between the two sisters to the point of causing Celestia so much distress, but once they finally get together, everything is brushed aside for the purpose of a happy, if fleeting, ending.

I want to love this story, because it's doing some things extremely well, but the ending left me wanting something more.

>>Posh
I wholly agree with 1 part of this, and want to dispute another. The first - that there's a giant leap from 'Storefront' to 'Proposal', and that we really should have 'Actual romance/date' in between. The dispute is in there being no conflict. There is one, it's just internal instead of external. The conflict is Stoney struggling to realize what it is he wants in life; we have barriers here (Goldie moving away, them both being super busy, them working so much they are too blind to realizing what's in front of their noses), and emphasizing how those get in the way of realization will help show the existing conflict.

Otherwise? I smiled a lot. This was a cute love story, and my unique nitpick is that other than her work, it doesn't quite feel like Goldie is much more than a prize to be one. What are her quirks? Idiosyncrasies? So forth? Stoney may be the first to pop the question, but this is a two-way journey, and while she's not PoV, let us see what makes her fall for him, too. Right now we really only have 'They are super in-sync' as a thing.

I'm still rating this highly because it made me feel really good and happy by the end, and that wins big points from me.

>>Posh
Hey man, it's not like I sit here and keep repeating the same ways to rip off Horizon all day long. I like to mix things up a little! :derpytongue2:

Well, someone watches Black Mirror.

This is going to be long and harsh. The short version: I think you're a great writer, but you need to think things out more than this and share more with the audience.

---

You have some great word porn here and beautiful character interactions, but the story is fatally flawed in several ways right now. This story consists mainly of a slowly-developing premise. It was a premise I grokked fairly early, which isn't necessarily a problem. The problems are that you never go beyond that premise, we're provided with a very incomplete picture, and there isn't a resolution.

Let's talk about the historical arguments between Celestia and the other ponies. Those arguments are the most important element in the story because they define the entire conflict upon which the narrative and characterizations are based. Yet we never get to see or hear any of the rationale! There are tiny little hints about reproduction and religion, but the audience gets no details about any of this. We never see any foals in the monastery, we never learn details about the religion, and most salient, we never learn what Celestia herself believes.

You can't get away with leaving the foundation of the story to the reader's imagination. The worst part of this is that the tension between Celestia and Twilight, which is most of what you're describing, is about concepts that are never elucidated. It feels like watching a soap opera in another language. Not developing the foundation of a story is a cheap way to get around the difficult process of structuring the background details and history in order to make sense of everything. Nothing in the story suggests the author has determined any of the princesses' rationale behind their decisions.

Part of the trap you've fallen into is overdoing something writers like you and I enjoy: providing a steady trickle of information so the reader figures things out piece by piece. This is a good way to provide suspense and intrigue. You're quite good at this, but you do it way too much, and it shows. I noticed this right at the beginning of the story, when you kept Celestia's identity a secret until the fifth paragraph. There's no reason for that. Celestia isn't visiting a place we wouldn't expect her to be (from the audience's perspective). She's in a library. Having her disguised is fine, but hiding her identity from the reader is not. You're withholding basic information from your audience in order to create a false atmosphere of suspense. This is only one example, and it's not the best one, but I did pick up on it immediately and that pattern continued.

At the end of the story, there's not a real payoff, mainly because we never learned the unspoken motivations of the two characters so there was no way to develop it at the end. But even without that issue, there's no attempted resolution provided between those two characters. The story ends on a cliffhanger, and the audience has no idea what happens next, or why this interaction even matters. The only payoff we get is some information about two OC side characters. I didn't sense the suggested 'romance' between the OC side character and the main character. If that information is intended to be part of the payoff, you need to develop those characters more than you did.

Also, you didn't develop the science enough to make it seem consistent. I wasn't clear on whether all of the ponies/characters needed vats, or if it was only Twilight and Luna in vats because they were powering the device. Clearly, mortal ponies have to ditch the body, so they're not in a vat, but the hints provided are insufficient to determine that conclusively. Consequently, it doesn't make much sense that a mortal pony could go for a brief visit. How would they accomplish that? Probably 'visitor vats' or something, but there's a lot here lacking clarity.

I have a hard time imagining Discord in a vat. That doesn't make any sense to me. He shouldn't need one.

You kind of implied that Luna was needed to keep the device running at all, but then she stepped out of the vat... which means what, exactly?

Equestria has more than ponies in it, and all life requires the Sun in order to survive. There's no indication of whether other sapient races, like yaks and gryphons and dragons have joined Twilight, and certainly dragons aren't there based on the description of the location. Even if Equestria only has animals left in it, Celestia would have a clear moral imperative to keep raising the Sun. I can't see anypony at all arguing against that. These are things that need to be thought out.

You seem to be implying that the conflict is what ended up causing Equestria to fall apart, but based on what I just wrote, it seems unlikely that this even started unless Equestria was already post-apocalyptic. If that's the case, there are no indications about what happened.

The need for maintenance seems to require outside materials (Luna needs a lot of help to function when she exits the vat), so the idea that Celestia shouldn't be where she makes even less sense.

This could be a great story, but you need to mentally develop the characters, their motivations, and most of the details of what happened that you intend to hint at, before you start writing. Then you can be as coy as you like about leading to the reveal, because what you're revealing isn't incomplete.

Genre: Adventure

Thoughts: (My phone derped and I lost my review, so this might be kinda raw.)

This needs a minor spelling pass. It could also maybe lose the opening scene, as everything that comes after does a perfectly fine job of getting the same info across. That goes double with the ending, which doesn't really need the opening character to be established at all and is (IMO) a huge letdown, because it just, like... ends. It's as if a certain somepony just says, "Eh, never mind" to the whole story, and we roll credits.

With all that said, I thought the central hook and the adventure itself were pretty strong. I genuinely cared about what was happening and I wanted to know why the antagonist was doing what they did. I loved how Trixie's showmareship was a key asset in figuring things out. I really thought it was building to an emotional confrontation... which it did, and then it raised the stakes again... and then came the "Eh, never mind."

Author, you're sitting on a mountain of potential here. The words you spend developing the antagonist's facade toward the beginning would be better spent giving us more about her rationale, and goals, and actual background, towards the end.

Because there's something almost Bondian about her as a villain/mastermind, and I mean that in a good way.

Tier: Almost There

Earlier:

I said that "Deuteragonists" would be hard to top, but this one does. This one is simpler in every way--straightforward story, straightforward characters, all that--but it does what it sets out to de really, really well. I would've liked a bit more development for Blackstone--give her some connection to some pony from Starlight's village, or have her give a personal account of why dealing with Sombra has turned her into this "avenging angel." Just a couple line to flesh her out, and I'll be happier.

Mike

Author, you've got a remarkably endearing tale and I'll go into detail right now. However, for the time being, I'm still giggling like a fool at the thought of Applejack, Apple Whisperer.

With that out of the way, I'll echo Morning's comments about the typos. Some were really noticeable, but it's nothing that a careful examination won't fix.

Regarding the positives, I really liked the whole analysis about the nature of cutie marks. Then again, I've a positive bias in favour of overthinking small details. I also really liked how at her core Diamond Tiara still is the same pony even after her reformation. I also enjoyed the core message about continuous self-discovery and improvement and I feel that's something everyone should learn. Rarity leading by example was also a nice way to bring the story to a close.

Overall, the good outweighs the bad, and this is a heart-warming tale about self-examination. I really liked it.

Also, Sweetie Belle could always be a studio artist. It worked for the Beatles.

>>Syeekoh
...except yours. :V

>>Trick_Question
:(

By the time they're playing tag, I knew where this was headed and started to smile. When I found out what their special talents were, my heart did a little backflip. And no, it's not because I got a minor heart attack due to spending three days in a row sitting while I wrote my entry, why would you say that?

I am a sucker for romance, really. Give me a well-developed tale of love and I'll kneel in front of you begging for more.

What we have here... doesn't quite get there.

Ok, let me get this out of the way first. I liked this story quite a lot. I was really invested in finding out about the outcome of Stone Cutter and Golden Ring relationship, and I have to give credit where credit is due. You took us through the entire span of their relationship up until they get engaged.

However, that's also the problem. The story doesn't deal with the gradual development of mutual affection between two characters rather than giving us the Cliff's Notes of their relationship.

They met, were chidlhood friends, life took them on their separate ways, they reconnected, spent time together, they fell in love. Even that last part is debatable, seeing how we go from Stone figuring out that he has feelings for Golden to immediate proposal. These are not enough to paint a vivid picture of their love. What we have is good, I'll stand by that, but their story needed more of these moments.

Just as Morning Sun said, the little details about each character (and Golden, especially) are what make them feel real, seeing those small aspects of their personality play off of each other are what will make the reader believe that these two characters can work as a couple and should root for that outcome.

I feel like I got a good first taste of a full meal, it makes me want more, but it's not enough to satisfy me.

when Filthy Rich mentioned "connections" I honestly expected Daring Do to appear in the next scene. (maybe I'm reading too much Carl Barks)

I liked the character and the story concept here, but the solution to the problem didn't seem very satisfying. While I did enjoy Zecora and the boat scene, I'm not sure what the friendship lesson was, or who it was aimed at. It took a second reading to catch on that the coelacanths might be endangered, so time is running out... maybe? Even Petunia wasn't sure on that.

The adults feel more like party-poopers than sources of conflict. I think that's distracting from the theme of optimism vs pessimism. Don't worry, the events of the story work very well, but they just need the right tone to build up a stronger emotional impact.

This is quite a ride; quiet and lulling but never ever a drag. Well done. That being said, my list of unanswered questions is pretty long:
What drove Luna to this?
What caused her to wake?
What drove the mane six (Twilight in particular) to side with her over Celestia?
Why can they suddenly have children in the eternal dream?
A quick visual of what remains of the lands of Equestria would be nice too.

At the beginning of Trixie and Starlight's conversation, I really wanted to see Trixie drop into first person to illustrate their friendship vs. when the cards come out and she's using her stage presence to astound and amaze.

This was a good story, but it was over too fast. The bond that led Trixie to do what she did at the end wasn't shown enough, and neither was Starlight's newfound despair. The same can be said for the climax, when it looks like all is lost the characters need to react more.

Developing Blackstone a bit would be nice, too. How did she know when she knew? Has she done this before? What about Trixie's sacrifice made her relent?

The central idea here about the castle is genius. I'm less enthusiastic about some of its presentation. For starters, I felt like Twilight's comfort with routines was underutilized and dismissed too quickly at the end. The first scene was also way too long, at first I thought the entire story was going to be about Twilight's quiet, normal routine; you could illustrate her neurosis in fewer words.

I was surprised at how confrontational things got with Cadence, but that's probably okay as is, given the extraordinary circumstance. Some more interplay between these two, considering they’re old friends and yet now their loyalties are divided, would be nice.

Finally, the ending feels... unsatisfactory. Honestly I wish someone had brought up the point that maybe the castle only used to belong to the crystal empire. They lost it, maybe by bungling friendship or something. It reappeared in its own somewhere else; the torch was passed to Twilight. Obviously I'm getting a tad upset about this, so kudos to you for gaining my emotional investment. Twilight let the crystal ponies (and Cadence) get their way with almost no logical reasoning, and no investigation into the magical underpinnings of how they ended up where they are. That’s not the Twilight I know.

The portal backstory is an infodump. Even turning it into a genuine flashback would be an improvement. Overall the writing could stand to show more and tell less. Take a look at how San Palomino organically crafts its world.

I'm really not your target audience. I don't mix ponies with guns and war. Still the twist was an interesting one, as was how Celestia acted through the whole aftermath. It struck me as too casual and familiar, but then again that's pure opinion.

The last joke needs some revising; you're giving the punchline and then dragging on for another paragraph. Flip the last two paragraphs and then make any related revisions.

A year ago, when I participated in the writeoffs regularly, I got raked over the coals repeatedly whenever Spike and anything approaching romance appeared in the same story… I wish you better luck with that than I. I peddle my romances elsewhere these days.

At first I thought they were playing poker; either way it goes on a tad too long. Their interplay is nice, but I confess the word choices for Spike don’t feel quite right, and it didn’t improve as the story progressed. I understand that he’s older now, but it still doesn’t feel quite like an evolution of the on-screen Spike. There isn’t much in the way of body language from him either.

About the time they started packing up the game, you started dropping some downright telly descriptions in the midst of the action. Descriptions aren’t bad by any means, but you could show stuff like this:

The vanilla pudding with cherries tasted just as good as Starlight imagined it would. It had just the right level of sweetness, but there was something else there. Something she couldn’t pinpoint right away, but with every bite it became more evident.

That paragraph could easily involve Starlight swishing the pudding around in her mouth, comparing its taste and texture to various other dishes she’s had and scanning the kitchen shelves as she tries to puzzle out the mystery ingredient.

Likewise, the explaining of Starlight’s relationship to Spike is just that; a textbook explanation. Her reaction immediately after she asks him out is better; her panic comes through in the prose.

Overall, I feel like the heart of this story is Starlight’s uncertainty, her asking Spike (and herself) why. I think you could tighten this up a great deal, considering how much verbiage you’ve devoted to her internal thought process versus her actual interaction with Spike, be that through speech, sight, or action.

You know what they say about trying to dissect humor, so..... umm...... it was too random for me. Too many shifts in POV.

I really like the title? It's a good title.

I really liked the basic hook in here. The somewhat cliche "The Little Shop That Wasn't There Yesterday" trope made me roll my eyes a little, but the plot was gripping enough; it was refreshing to read a classic adventure story. Starlight and Trixie's desperation in scene four was well-described. And the ending was good, even though it felt rushed for the deadline -- I was afraid they'd talk the antagonist down with some banal inspirational platitudes, but instead we get a genuine dramatic sacrifice.

I don't think that Blackstone's "showmareship", on which Trixie bases her whole deduction, is shown to the reader clearly enough. Trixie's theory almost comes across as an off-the-wall "bat deduction", to use TVTropes parlance.

Blackstone's motivation doesn't seem clear. Just why does she want specifically to do this to Starlight? What does this all have to do with the Crystal Empire or the resistance movement?

The characters' perspective is a little confusing, too, as you sometimes switch between Trixie and Starlight's points of view in the same scene.

The entire scene with Lyra felt pointless, more like padding the word-count than anything else.

I find it hard to believe the ending. Celestia is clearly familiar with the existence of alternate dimensions, seeing as she doesn't express surprise or interest when Discord provides his explanation. And if you take EQG or the comics in account, she's very familiar with the concept of dimensions inhabited by different versions of Equestria's inhabitants, including bipedal ones. So why does she spend the entire day assuming that everypony's been transformed, as opposed to the Occam's Razor assumption that she's in a different universe?

Sweetie Belle's "problem" is a bit hard to empathize with; I had the feeling that she was overreacting over something minor. Of course, that's quite in-character for the CMC, but it comes across as a little exasperating.

In fact, I got the vibe that Sweetie Belle knows what her cutie mark probably means (I mean, duh, it's a musical note, not exactly hermetic symbology there), but she refuses to accept the most obvious interpretation (anything but singing on stage!) and thus spends the story mired in denial. That's why she keeps insisting how she has no idea what her mark means; she knows, but she wants to convince herself she doesn't.
I'm not sure if this was deliberate, and if any other readers got the same feeling.

I really liked the little bits of humor spread throughout the story, though. And even though Sweetie Belle's overblown worries made me want to roll my eyes, the entire rest of the story - Diamond Tiara striving to be nice, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom's antics, the adult ponies talking about their marks - was genuinely sweet and a pleasure to read.

I'm very glad I chose not to enter this round. There's no way I could compete with such a multilayered masterpiece.

Great!

Everyone should read it!

(the author paid me 1000 bits to write this glowing review)

>>Haze
wasn't sarcastic, but this time for real.

after the intriguing hook of an opening paragraph, the next several paragraphs of main character's life story nearly lost my attention. Maybe it's just part of the older writing style this is emulating. I feel bad for saying this after finishing it, because now it seems like such a minor nitpick, a small price of admission.

after the um, climax, it did seem like the rest was going too easy. he's figured out what to do, now to explain little details and get to the new status quo. I liked that suspense and fear lingering through the whole story, and now it was just an illusion because there was no more chance of failure? I would've liked to see ex-Blueblood returning used for that, bring back a little of that hidden menacing danger. he seems a little too comfortable and at ease with his new role, now that he's "won," and now there's no challenge remaining. (Maybe this is too much of my personal preference barging in here, sorry.)

Everything else between those two points: I couldn't put it down.

>>Syeekoh
I meant you would get a 10, of course. <3

>>Zaid Val'Roa
Horse jesus—I hope you're okay! Did you have to go to a hospital?

two-prong fun fork

Err...

I know how icky dead bodies are.

Errrrr....

“You sound like my mother,” Starlight said with a blush.

ERRRRRR......

So, the beginning and ending of this feel like comedy, and the middle seems like kinda-sorta-serious-drama? It looks to me like it doesn't really know what it's trying to be. And because Starlight goes from blithe to serious and back again without blinking an eye, the comedy severely undercuts the drama, while the drama severely undercuts the comedy, since neither of them really seem to reflect her true character.

That being said, I did get some giggles out of this, and it seems to be trying for emotional depth, which is definitely worth something in my opinion.

I think GunsxPonies is a risky topic, because it's something people have Feelings about while also being completely unaddressed in the show, leaving it open to 'my headcannon is better than yours' style of arguments. And those... rarely go much of anywhere, it seems?

Anyways, I do think subverting your opening was a good call. And I appreciate that the story continues past that reveal, even if it doesn't seem to be doing much with the extra words.

In the end, I'm not sure what to make of it; it ends on a joke, but it doesn't really feel like a comedy. It deals with what could be very heavy topics, but doesn't seem to be making much of them, so it doesn't really feel like a drama. There's fighting and exploring, but I'm not sure it's an adventure.

I feel like I end up saying 'stories lack cohesion' a lot in my reviews, and I'm not sure if that's helpful. :/ But yeah, I think all I can say about this is I'm not really sure what it's trying to do, so I have a hard time drawing any strong conclusions about it. It's passably well written, pulls off some interesting narrative stunts (that bit with the dialogue in italics was different, and mostly worked) but it doesn't seem to have a bigger picture.

The intro here is grating. Small, often pointless actions litter the scene and interrupt the dialogue. Dial it back a bit, and when you do put in actions, they don't need their own paragraph. The way you have it set out now feels slow and plodding.

And, I think, given the reveal, the intro goes on far too long. Being coy can be entertaining, but it gets old fast.

In general, your sentences are too bulky. There is a way to be richly descriptive, but just cramming in clauses and adjectives and adverbs isn't going to do it. Let's pull out a section so I can explain what I mean:

When he heard her, he stopped as though pondering her words. Before Starlight could ask if anything was wrong, Spike lowered the dishes and blew a gentle stream of sparkling green flames over them.

“Ta-da~!” Spike said in a singsong tone as he placed the desserts on the table. The quick exposure to fire had turned the outer layer of pudding into a glistening, golden brown crust. The cherries had burst and were releasing a tantalising smell.

Starlight felt her eyes widen and her mouth salivate at the sight of the dessert. It must have been quite a sight, if Spike’s subdued giggling was anything to go by.

“As though pondering her words” does no work here. You could drop it without much loss. “Sparling green flames” is also overwrought, and can be done away with. If you're writing Spike's ta-da like that, you don't need to follow up by describing it as a singsong tone. Tantalising is a word better suited to adverts for posh food; you can make something sound tantalising (or not) by other forms of description. And no one should ever feel their eyes widen or their mouth salivate.

Next up, a big chunk of introspection. Two problems: First, it goes on for far too long. I get the point rather quickly. Second, I really don't buy the doesn't-know-she's-in-love cliché. It feels neither realistic nor romantic.

On the other hand, the next bit – “Would you like to go out with me?” – that's more like it! First, just because it comes as a surprise, but doesn't come out of nowhere. Second, because witless and spineless characters are such a staple of fourth-rate romances that it's just nice to see Starlight figure out she wants and go after.

The following retreat into self-doubt is rather less welcome, though.

Next morning, the prose issue gets rather painful: “An all-encompassing light dissipated the darkness as Starlight slowly regained consciousness. She blinked once, twice, and by the third time her brain realised she was indeed awake.” What's wrong with simply saying she woke up? Or, if you want description, there's always the feel of the bedclothes, the the warmth, the way the light comes in the window, the pattern it makes on the wall opposite, etc. For description, go for precise imagery rather than vague hand-waving.

After this, things start to get muddled. We've got Spike and Starlight together, so what comes next? Even more self-doubt by Starlight apparently. There are some hints at real troubles – what will Twilight and the others think? But this issue never goes anywhere, and the story just peters out.

At this point, I think I can do no better than point you to the end of my review of Connections. Love stories should spring from the characters. You do okay here – Starlight is prone to self-doubt, and introducing Spike's talent for cooking helps things along. But it's not enough.

You might also want to keep your end in mind. If it's getting them together, end there. If it's something else – a successful first date is fine – then aim for that. Put obstacles in that way. Something to worry about rather than worries themselves. Worries dissolve easily. Obstacles don't. That's the easiest way to grow a simple plot.

>>JudgeDeadd On the 'showmareship' bit - I actually thought this was one of the cleverer bits of the story, because it seems like Trixie is lampshading the tropes used here, specifically the little shop that wasn't there yesterday and how they often have inconvenient gadgets. It kinda casts the opening of the story in a new light, and shifts the tone from being a somewhat 'silly' story to being a more serious one, and I liked that a lot. While the deduction is somewhat tenuous, it resonated strongly enough for me that I didn't mind it, and I thought the subversion was cleverly done. The mysterious shop owner is actually out to get someone, for legitimate reasons, and is possibly a secret agent of an insurgency? That's pretty cool, and it was all brought together in a handful of sentences.

That being said, I really do agree that Blackstone's motivations are the weakest link in this story. Your other two characters, Trixie and Starlight, are portrayed elegantly and crisply, and are a joy to read. But Blackstone is... well, let me put it this way. The ending baffled me entirely.

Blackstone has shown that she is both willing and able to maim a pony for life, because she did it to Starlight. She's in a position of power in the cave, and she's claimed she doesn't have any problem with maiming Trixie, she merely couldn't be bothered. I found all of that believable, because she wasn't coy and it fit my interpretation of her character. So when she turned around and gave them both their magic back, I was like... 'Bwuh?' It literally made no sense to me.

Why would she do it? If she felt maiming Trixie was 'going too far', then she should have given just Trixie's magic back. If it was really a test for Starlight, then why would what Trixie did matter? (But it can't be a test because she didn't expect them, right?) If Trixie convinced her that 'ponies can't change' is wrong, then why wasn't she convinced by anything Starlight has done in the past, such as confronting Chrysalis in her hive - where she was also without magic, and arguably in greater danger? Not only was there no indication to me that she was bluffing, I wouldn't even call this a bluff, because she has no stake! She can simply let them walk out of the cave and into the blizzard and she's lost nothing - or rather, if what she said about maiming Trixie is true, she's even gained something at very little effort.

So whatever her motivations are, I apparently failed to grasp them at all. As such, I really enjoyed most of this story, but feel like it flopped on its face at the very end, which was a bit disappointing.

I feel like you're trying to make a point here, and I wish it was coming through strongly enough for me to pick up on what it was, because it's probably really excellent.

There's a good chance I'm simply not reading deeply enough to figure you out, but I can't really say if it's true or not. But as it is, I feel like this whole 'rhythm' theme gets too many words for how it's used, and the checklists theme doesn't tie into it strongly enough to establish what it's there for.

The core of this story - the bit with the delegation - is pretty good. Twilight's motivations and the crystal ponies characters are all nicely portrayed and work well together. The bit where Twilight starts yelling and they cower in fear seemed a bit exaggerated - why do they find her so scary? But other than that, it all seemed to work. Unfortunately, because your themes aren't crystallizing for me, the bits with Starlight felt mostly like filler, with the one exception of the 'princess of friendship' piece, which ties into her having problems with change and the delegation.

Overall, this has some great bits. Unfortunately, it's not consistent enough to deliver a real impact at the ending, despite my feeling it should.

This story starts out with a great tone, which it carries all the way through. I haven't read Biscuit's piece, so I can't compare it to that, but this holds up on it's own well enough.

I'm not sure how I feel about all the emphasis you use. For whatever reason, bold in fiction bugs me, and I'm not sure it's useful enough here to justify it's existence.

This has a clear act structure, which is nice in some ways. The thing is, unless I misunderstand the term, it basically ends deus ex; an unrelated character shows up and deftly solves the problem (by explaining that it's not really a problem in the first place, which annoyed me slightly) and then everything's good because.... reasons? I dunno. Although I liked the tone, and I feel like the childishness almost carries the piece through, the ending really felt fairly dissatisfying, and any attempts I make to draw a lesson from it end up being hamstrung by author fiat messing with causality. (If you're a child with big dreams, adults will drug you to stop you bothering people!) If it had even been her parents who called Zecora, I think I'd have liked it a lot better.

This came across as really dark at the end, and I'm not sure you intended it to be that way. Morning Sun suggests that Twilight isn't aware of what she's doing, but I never really came to the same conclusion; the bit with 'don't tell her' made me think that she was simply unaware that they knew, and if she realized they were working around her limitations she'd panic in an attempt to remove those limitations, which could destroy everything currently real.

The thing that really gets me about the end is that although their intentions seem clear (stop investigating, give up and accept being manipulated forever) I have no idea why Cadence reached that conclusion. She apparently understands something, but even if she says what (she just wants the best for us) I'm not sure how the book convinced her of it.

Some of this is, perhaps, tied up in Discord's whole 'want to convince her I'm worth keeping around' and 'I'm a hero now' things, which kinda work, but... I dunno. Was he only ever in this for selfish reasons? Maybe I don't really get how you're characterizing him here.

There's also a pretty creepy undertone with the whole 'Cadence not wanting to watch books burn because Twilight's influencing her' thing; have they simply reached the conclusions they have because Twilight's changed them more and more from their original characters and made them more like herself? This brought to mind the end of 1984 - "And then Cadence cried because she truly, deeply loved Little Sister." :P

Still, up to the 'everything changed when the fire nation changelings attacked' this was really, really good stuff, so it's going to score pretty high by me. And if the ending was supposed to be dark, it was pretty great, but I couldn't shake the feeling you were going for a tonal change/subversion there, so I'm just not sure how to judge it.

Overall, this reminded me of Alfred Bester's "Oddy and Id", and mostly in a good way. Very nice work, if a bit loose on the wrap-up.

Meh, litfic.

>>Not_A_Hat
I'm glad you mentioned Discord. While I think Discord's motives make sense for the most part, I think there's a jarring difference between how we see him in the S6 finale, and how we see him here. I probably wouldn't care as much if I wasn't an inveterate Fluttercord shipper this didn't include the S6 finale right as part of the plot.

As much as I can find nits to pick, though, I think this is a wonderfully ambitious story that succeeds far more than not.

I don't know whether to be amused or depressed that this entry has the largest discourse out of any in the current round.

8/10

>>Posh
You just don't get true literature.

Froggy! will be taught in school curricula 50 years from now as the pinnacle of its day.

“Tick tock, Mister ‘The Dragon’. There’s a limit to my magnanimity,” Starlight said, crossing her arms over her chest.

Spike, you fool, you've been had! Ms. Harshwhinney has assumed Starlight's form in order to seduce you!

So this was probably written by horizon, then.

I see that everyone and their grandmother, and their grandmothers in turn, have already criticized the opening. I'm gonna add my voice to theirs, and also say that the dialogue between Spike and Starlight feels really, really stilted, and the quality only decreases the longer you draw out the joke. You're stretching to find new, creative innuendos for them to lob at one another, and it shows. Wrap it up quicker and get to the punchline faster. Timing is everything.

Also, why are they playing human board games? Shouldn't they be ponified varients, like Monclopoly, and, uh... Horse-Risk?

Every other criticism I have has already been hammered out by the other reviewers, though. The story flounders after the first major plot point (Starlight abruptly asking Spike out), and it spends a while flopping about directionlessly until they finally get to the point and snuggle. I really don't know what else I can say to build upon them. Aside from the clunky beginning, the dialogue between the two is pretty strong (for the most part; a few clunkers here and there), and Starlight's characterization feels pretty consistent with who she is in the show.

I don't like the detail that she doesn't talk much about her past, though, since she has to remind the audience that she used to be evil in every one of her appearances in the cartoon. It's almost a running gag.

Okay, there is one thing that I can bring up. I hesitate to do so because a certain ROUSTABOUT whose name rhymes with BLORNING BLUN already disagreed with me about this (there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth in the Blorning Blun bousebold once I'm through exacting my petty revenge), but I feel like the romance between Starlight and Spike feels unearned. It's a love story where the love that blossoms at the end wasn't really striven for, and didn't have to overcome anything. The two biggest obstacles are Starlight's self-doubt, which turned out to be entirely unfounded, and Twilight's potential disapproval, which was brought up and then never really went anywhere (how about having the two of them talk about that in their endgame conversation, huh?). I guess that, in a revision, I'd want a little bit more elaboration from Spike about his perspective and his feelings. I want him to do more to set Starlight's mind at ease than to just off-handedly remind her that, no, she didn't dream about randomly asking him out.

Make the most out of their discussion, and give them something more tangible to overcome.

Also, nitpick, but you keep using the word "confession," when Starlight doesn't actually confess anything until the end of the story. So. I have no choice but to give this story an 8/10.

Ooh! Experimentalicious.

And... downertastic. At least until the second-to-last scene.

I enjoyed this almost from the outset. "Almost" because I found the first and final scenes to be extremely off-putting. I see what you're doing, and I respect it, but rather than pull me into the story, it served to detach me. At least until I picked things up from Pinchy's perspective.

Pinchspective?

But I love the shifting perspectives, particularly the way the characters interpret the little details of the scenario, like the dissonance between Pinchy's and Berry's perspectives on the smell that clings to Berry's cheeks. I think it adds an extra little gut-punch that Pinchy died believing that her mother's irresponsibility caused her death.

If I had to criticize... and I kind of have to... I'd say that Mac's perspective feels intrusive. As well as you capture his character, and as much as I like his folksy, Huck Finn-y style of inner monologue, the fact is that he's only in the story because he just happened to be in the same place as the other characters, rather than being party to, or witness to, the events that Pinchy and Berry were part of. He doesn't feel like he belongs there.

You might do something to give him a greater reason to be there at the same time as Berry and Pinchy. Make him a part of the moment, rather than just a random participant who's there by coincidence.

Other than that, I can't think of anything to yell at you over. This is easily the best story I've reviewed thus far. A true masterpiece. 8/10.

At first glance I thought this may be poetry, what with the short lines and all. Then I realised it was prose, so you may want to get around fixing that.

Other than that... well... This isn't so balls-to-the-wall insane as to call it a crackfic, but it certainly has some threads of absurdism woven into it.

I can't say that type of comedy is my cup of tea, so I won't give any comments on that regard. However, I'll try to give my opinion about the story itself. It does feel like a joke that got stretched to meet the minimum wordcount. (Which seeing how it is 2098 words long, seems to be the case).

The Lyra and shoes bit, as well as several little lines interspersed throughout the narrative that serve little purpose. Just to give an example:

Rarity, ever the socialite, kept a keen ear out for any juicy gossip.

Yes, we know Rarity likes her gossip. That much is mentioned early in the story, but why bring it up? Just to say that the ponies of Canterlot noticed Twilight panicking? We already knew Celestia's letter send her into a worrying frenzy, what else are we getting from this line, or that whole paragraph? It's not as if her gossiping plays into the story later, it's not meaningful to the plot.

Things like this are endemic through the story, and make me not take it seriously even if it was supposed to be a light-hearted romp.

The opening scene takes way too long to make its point; I think it’s safe to assume the average reader has seen Crusaders of the Lost Mark. Get to plot rolling (ie present Sweetie’s doubt) more quickly.

This whole thing needs a solid editing pass to catch missing or misused words and to make the dialogue a little more natural. I don’t hold that against you, though. This is a writeoff, not a thesis defense. What you meant to say was always clear enough.

I’m worried that you’ve run afoul of Rarity’s canon cutie mark story, but I can’t be sure without rewatching the episode. If so, that’s a pity because I like the spin you put on it. You could probably reword Rarity’s explanation slightly to make it clearer that Rarity is telling a more complete version of the cutie mark story she gave on the show (maybe Sweetie Belle even calls her out for ‘embellishing’ the whole thing the first time she told it).

This is a nice story, and adds a pleasant bit of abstraction to cutie marks. It edges on making them a little too abstract, though. Rarity’s quip about Cheerilee for example makes it sound like cutie marks (or at least some cutie marks) don’t really mean much of anything. Rarity’s story is an excellent version of how a mark can mean something important but not everything; if that feeling was infused in the other examples (for the adults anyway) it would help.

In about twenty-one hours from this posting, starting around 9pm Eastern Time, I will be performing a number of live readings of this writeoff's submissions in the Discord chat. Expected to run two hours or so, but that is only a guess. Other readers are welcome to participate!

Maybe your story will be read!

>>Posh
Both.

I found the 33rd

The little froggy went "Ribbit!"

to be droll, but the 90th was spectacular!

I know this whole concept has been written again and again… but I loved this all the same. This is a pleasantly complex, fallible Celestia and a suitably adorable young Twilight (which is really saying something considering how few words you put to that use).

My complaints are few:
The initial mention of Cadence felt forced to me. This is already a description-heavy story (and justifiably so), but I’d like to see a spot of action right there, perhaps her seeing something that reminds her of Cadence or of her sudden appearance.

This story isn’t very long, but you could tighten up the prose a bit all the same to keep things moving (and thus keep the reader’s interest). Once Celestia and Twilight start walking, things really picked up.

Sunset and Eyebaaall~
A pair that appaaalls~
She's a magic horse,
He's a big eyeball,
They both share a flat,
Drive each other mad,
Sunset and Eyebaaall~
Friends for the long haaaul~
They don't come from outer space!

Reading this was a joy. Seriously, I had a blast. I'll second >>CoffeeMinion's point about trying to strike a balance between the serious parts with the wackier ones. Right now this feels like a comedy with a dramatic scene, and a better balanced tone would do wonders for the story.

Take this as a suggestion, but the theme of Sunset's jealousy of Starlight could be brought up a bit more rather than just one mention at the end to tie the story together. The scene where she moisturizes Eyeball is nice, but perhaps it could be expanded a bit further by having Sunset reach an epiphany about herself while talking with Eyeball and that makes her get closer to it, which in turn would give the scene at the end where she looks back at her experience with fondness a bit more deotg

Just a thought, but this is still the best entry I've come across so far.

The first time I tried reading this, I was completely at a loss. It was impossible to follow, and nothing about it made sense. I was all set to stick it at the bottom of my slate and ignore it for the rest of the Writeoff.

Then I remembered that I had barely slept because I'd been up all night working on my own submission, and that it'd probably go smoother with at least (but no fewer than) thirty winks. So I slept and re-read it, and it made a lot more sense. I do think that some of your sentences are overwritten (for instance, the description of Twilight putting bookmarks into her books), but the prose and the inner monologue do a good job of conveying both action and character to me. The simple act of walking down a hallway while listening to Twilight be precocious has never been more pleasant to read.

The initial mention of Cadence felt forced to me. This is already a description-heavy story (and justifiably so), but I’d like to see a spot of action right there, perhaps her seeing something that reminds her of Cadence or of her sudden appearance.

Perhaps Cadance could suddenly appear? :V Actually, I thought the mention of Sunset was a little more forced. Cadance actually had some relevance to Celestia's inner monologue re: Twilight.

Actually, hey, wait. Why didn't Twilight think of her BBBFF when Celestia prompted her to name a couple friends? She remembered the pet dragon she barely tolerates and some guy whose name she doesn't even know, but not the big brother who's boffing her babysitter?

Ugh, that's not really enough to turn me against this story, but now that I've noticed it I can't unnotice it, and it's driving down your score to a paltry 8/10.

As much as it pains me to agree with >>Trick_Question, not because I dislike her or anything but because she didn't invite me to her 10th birthday party and I can't quite forgive her for that... I have to agree with >>Trick_Question. The lore of this story would make for compelling reading, and what little is fed to the reader is tantalizing enough to keep me involved in the story, but I still had to infer a lot more than I'm comfortable with based on context clues.

A compellingly told story that never left me bored or confused, but one where the ambiguity of the situation and the suddenness of the (poorly explained and somewhat self-contradictory) ending left me feeling a little lost. 8/10.

I'm going to keep doing this until I am forcibly ejected from the Writeoff

Genre: Romance written in the stars

Thoughts: It's taken me a while to figure out how I want to rank this, in part because the other comments point out legitimate things that the story could probably do better. But I feel like it does a really good job of delivering a cute romantic-type story regardless. I say "romantic-type" because there's clearly a lot of kismet, fate, or authorial will that keeps these two in each other's orbit, rather than a more traditional tale of two characters starting from attraction and seeing that blossom into romance. And yet it worked at being d'aww-inducing from start to finish, in part because it seemed like a lot of the point was to emphasize how destined for each other these two were, which I ended up buying hook line and sinker. So while the jump from attraction to proposal could have been lengthier or more realistic, I was willing to make the leap because the story persuaded me that they truly fit together like a diamond in a ring DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE.

I think the biggest thing holding this back is the lack of conflict. We can see where it's probably going from the start, and none of the impediments it faces seem in any way insurmountable. The journey is enjoyable enough to help me overlook that, but still. Honestly, if this was mine, I would try to find a way to double-down on the theme of our heroes being destined for each other, and see if there's a way to wring some conflict out of that immovability of fate. (The ancient Greeks used to really groove on that stuff, so there's bound to be good working examples of how to do related things.)

Bonus points for a solid all-OC cast with fun names.

Tier: Strong

Genre: Twilight's OCD: the sitcom: the story

Thoughts: I'll echo the others in saying that I missed the point of what happened here. There were fantastic character moments aplenty, and they might've been strong enough to carry the day on their own in a slice-of-life-y way, were it not for the presence of a clear external conflict whose resolution didn't seem strongly tied to what we otherwise saw of the characters. Sure, Twilight overcame her OCD and did the politically expedient thing, but nobody seems to really change in the process. Spike is cool with things regardless, Twilight is a little bit Sheldon Cooper but manages to rein it in as we know she will, and Starlight is... why is Starlight here? Don't get me wrong, I loves me some GlimGlam, but she seems mostly there to fill a pseudo-Leonard Hofsteader straight man role rather than to advance the plot or her own character.

What pains me in saying this is that I feel like all the pieces are here to tell a compelling story (and I'm 99% sure I know who wrote this), including humor, world building, and some great glimpses of who these characters are on the inside. I thought the opening was especially good, and I could read lots more of that. But as of right now, this doesn't gel at all for me into a plot arc, which it needs to do due to the external conflict.

Tier: Needs Work

This is an excellent introduction: Something odd is introduced but not explained, then we're given another story to get along with. But even as we follow Pinchy around on her little quest, the initial oddity hangs over our heads, waiting for an explanation. Aided by the style, of course – second-person, still taking its first steps towards respectability, needs more defenders.

A lot of good storytelling is in how you dole out information. The first scene here is an excellent example – aside from the who are you?, there's that quick aside about Pinchy's mom. Another point deftly introduced, not belaboured.

And that reminds me: Another part of good storytelling is the management of emotion. Again, this is done excellently. The clumsy lean on sentiment. This scene doesn't: The scene itself is close to the usual FIMish saccharine, but the thoughts about Pinchy's mom add just the right edge of darkness and uncertainty that complexify everything else. We have a subtle but clear sense of forboding: There is more going on here than it seems.

I had high hopes for the story, but as we progress, things slowly start to unravel. Over the next couple of sections, there's still a lot to admire: The San Luis Rey approach to a disaster is made even more fun by the viewpoint lurches, and again the information management is still strong, building up to a revelation of what caused the accident, underlining the minor ironies and tragedy of triviality.

But the lead-ups to each section seem bulky. They're not trivial – they tell us a great deal. But a lot of what we learn in these sections seems orphaned. Big Mac's life in the future, especially. A lot of it could be cut away without changing the core of the story at all. Berry's is better, by contrast, because of its relevance.

And finally, at the end, everything comes apart. To a degree, this is a risk with all mysteries – the mystery itself oversells the reveal. But here it's particularly painful. Luna comes in out of left field with some metaphysical handwaving.

Then we end on the tweest and tritest of meta-jokes. There is nothing of value here, and it's all horribly disappointing.

At the beginning, I said management of emotion is a big part of storytelling. The ending fails at this entirely. The last two scenes, in emotional terms, completely detach from the rest of the story. Pinchy's life, the emotional core of the story, the bit we're most invested in, is reduced to triviality in the name of … well, a cheap joke, really.

Opening with self-deprecating humour and meta-commentary anchored me into thinking this was a goofy randumb story, but it turned out to be very serious and ended up with everyone dying in a tragic accident or killing themselves in grief. It made an already confusing experience even more so.

I think this story is very unfair to the reader. I spent most of the time trying to find my footing, only to have the rug torn out from under me every time I thought I'd found it. And I felt like the author was laughing at me, like I was a fool for even trying. The final meta-commentary in particular left a very bad taste in my mouth. Predicting criticisms doesn't make them less true.

The interesting story here to me is the relationship between Berry Punch and her daughter, and it could have been told without all the tomfoolery.

Celestia's reticence seems out of place. She's already chosen Twilight to be her protege, so Twilight should be among her top priorities. She would need a good reason to justify not being able to attend, and if she had such a reason would she not tell Velvet that outright?

The core of this story seems to be Velvet's concern that her daughter doesn't have any friends, and her subtly trying to push her in directions such that she makes them.

If Twilight's problem is no friends showing up to her party, then how does Celestia and twelve burly guards showing up solve it?

The conflict is within Velvet, because Twilight is perfectly content to be a bookworm at this point. She doesn't know that she needs friends. Given that canon Twilight doesn't learn this for a while longer, Velvet must fail to teach her that here. So I suppose it makes sense that her plan isn't very sensible.

But I think it'd be better if she had a sensible plan that failed, rather than a strange one that works, because then Velvet understands what her daughter needs but not how to get it for her, and to me that's a more compelling story.

Intriguing...
I agree with >>Haze, everyone should read this, it's pretty great.

I loved the headcanon about the Bluebloods, and you did a nice job with the characterization of the latest member of the house as well as its most recent addition.

My only complaint about our main character is how easily he falls into his new role once all is said and done. While it's true he didn't have much of a life to leave behind, it would have been nice to see more of his thoughts as he accepts those rather monumental revelations. (Although, I can understand if his mind was elsewhere at the moment).

This is a solid entry that with a bit of polish could become great.

Oh, and I wouldn't oppose to an... Expanded version, should you choose to do so.

>>Syeekoh
I can't begin to say how disheartened I am that random.org demands I read and review Froggy! last. I have no idea what this story is about. But judging by the comments, it will certainly make the cut, so I have plenty of time.

The writing here is very solid, but I have some weighty complaints:
-The main character doesn't earn or learn anything. Sure he might have misgivings and worries internally, but when it's time to act he doesn't fail or even stumble. Similarly, he has a very humble background and a low paying job, but his word choice (which extends beyond dialogue since this is in first person) is very advanced. All of that put together makes this into Mary Sue/wish fulfillment.
-The 'scene' they act out is way too brief. I know you're pushing against the 8k word limit, but this is a key point to expand, and I don't mean making it more graphic. They move from banter to bed in what feels like seconds.
-There's the slightest hint that the main character is going to change things up, to give her 'what she needs' versus 'what she wants' which again isn't elaborated on, unfortunately. The problem there is the main character doesn't believability have that social/psychological skill set; he lives to get laid to the point that little else matters, what's he know about relationships and a balanced lifestyle?

Here are some ideas on how to address this:
-Make the main character more nuanced. Show how emotionally in tune he can be with others around him to get his way. Similarly, does he spend his spare time working on how he presents himself, how he speaks, etc?
-Make the main character stumble. Make him pull himself back from the edge. There are plenty of places for this to happen, but I think the key one is during that 'scene' at the end. Yes he figures out what to do, but it doesn't have to be so automatic. She's been doing this so long she obviously has a modicum of tolerance as far as 'breaking in the new guy' goes.
-Make his final intentions clearer. Is he just going to go along with the status quo? If so then I confess this story is a letdown for me, because nothing about the dynamic is changing, save for the players involved. If he is going to change things in some way, like helping her overcome her clearly extreme problems, give him the background, the clout, and the misgivings that would go along with it.

Sorry to prattle on. You've clearly got some writerly skills, author. I hope you walk away from this knowing that. I couldn't and wouldn't have taken the time to deep dive into your character's motivations if that wasn't the case.

Meh, that last line killed this one for me.

>>Trick_Question oh, you're gonna have a blast.

The narrator enters science heaven. And then what?

The majority of the text is explaining how science heaven works, which is fascinating, but it seems to be missing an actual story.

Genre: Deconstruction

Thoughts: I had difficulty buying the premise here, in part because the Troubleshoes episode is one of my favorites in MLP, and its whole point was to explore how ponies can end up misunderstanding and feeling bad about their cutie marks. And the CMCs were the ones who helped him see things differently. So, yeah.

I struggle to see why Sweetie would be so depressed and think she was broken, when she literally helped a pony out of the same predicament half a season before. The parts where she was wallowing in that seemed draggy.

The parts where Sweetie was reaching out to others, and particularly the discussion with Rarity toward the end, were much stronger. I actually really liked Rarity's story, and I thought it did more to address the central questions the story considered than everything that had come before. >>BlazzingInferno, I *think* it even holds up with canon; I never understood how finding gems in a big-arse rock translated into dressmaking. And then there's the Diamond Dog stuff, and the scene in Gauntlet of Fire where she's mining with Spike. It's maybe a small leap but the story persuaded me to go with it.

So there are both diamonds and rough here. The diamonds are quite good, though.

Tier: Needs Work

Why are the human characters using pony terminology?

>>JudgeDeadd
I don't think it's terribly unbelievable. While it's an obvious explanation, it's orthogonal to the question, "How did this spell get cast?" which Celestia spent all her efforts in answering. She got trapped down the rabbit hole of the wrong solution space.

At the very least, I didn't predict the explanation.

>>Zaid Val'Roa
The author wrapped the lines to 80 characters. I only noticed half way through, but as soon as I did it became pretty distracting.

Huzzah, slate done. Here are my rankings in case anyone cares. I guess that means I didn't write any of them. Alas. :derpytongue2:

1) The Eye That Floats Unblinking in Sunset Shimmer's Kitchen
2) Deuteragonists
3) Connections
4) The Destiny Trap
5) My Castle is Your Castle
6) The Meaning of a Mark

We'll see how the next few days go, but I may or may not try some bonus reviews using a magic combination of the "Add Another" button and random.org to tell me when to slip in a sneaky-sneak review of my own.

Put me down:

With >>Haze as someone who was expecting Daring Do to show up. You could easily add her as the final obstacle, actually--Dash gets in touch with her just before the Mane 6 leave, and she shows up, all excited to go on this journey till she realizes they're going after a fish instead of a treasure.

Put me down also as someone left unsatisfied by the tone of the ending. The story has a very fairy tale "Once upon a time..." feel to it, and Zecora doesn't quite fit in with that. All the talk of Petunia's dreams, though, made me think of Princess Luna, and I'd recommed her as the one who comes in at the end to show Petunia the vision. Maybe do it "Christmas Carol" style with Luna and young Petunia watching the older Petunia, too: that way, you can have young Petunia and Luna talking about what's happening and get the story's "good things come to those who wait" moral more clearly stated at the end. Fun stuff here, though!

Mike

I liked this a lot. It felt like a fable. Short, simple, and to the point. We thought the lesson was for Petunia, but the real lesson was for the adults.

As an aside, I was half expecting the Twilight scene to end with:

“So what you’re saying is that if I could come up with the time, we could go?”

“...Maybe?”

Cue Petunia going to Doctor Whooves / Starlight Glimmer for a time machine.

But perhaps that's too silly for what is a very sweet story.

I think >>Not_A_Hat is right about the emphasis. Bold text is powerful and seems excessive where used here.

This is quite fine:

I loved the tone--black comedy with a serious heart squirming at the center--and the only POV shift that bothered me was right at the beginning. The first two paragraphs seem to be in Twilight's, then the 3rd paragraph goes somewhere else with that odd "Her heart’s in the right place, but she’s not the best listener" floating around unattributed--and in present tense, too, when the rest of the story is past tense--but then we settle pretty much into Starlight's head.

I'd recommend keeping the beginning in Twilight's POV and even giving us another paragraph where she thinks that line about Starlight and gives us some more general character observations before there's a loud wet crunch. Then snap us over to Starlight's POV as she looks up to see Twilight with the fork sticking out of her head. That'll also supply the precedent of jumping out of a character's POV when she's killed and then jumping back when she's revived as happens at the end.

Mike

>>Baal Bunny
Ditto about the POV shift. It felt jarring to go from Twilight at the beggining and then to Starlight for the rest of the story. Spending a little bit more time with Twi before her sudden death by cutlery could help with that issue.

Other than that, I really liked this. Despite veering on the edge of absurdism, it remained consistent all throughout, as did the laughs. Save of course, for that part in the talk between Starlight and Celestia were things started to get serious for a moment before going back to comedy.

While I won't tell you to choose one over the other, I really think you should strive for a better balance between the comedy and the drama, because right now that scene sticks out from the otherwise even comedic tone.

But, yeah. This got a few genuine chuckles from me. Keep it up.

Besides, I'm touched that this story is about a frog.
As a matter of fact, it could be me that story is about.
Thanks for that.

While I could be fun and read too much into nonsense, I'll instead be a curmudgeon:

I think it's a bit rude to submit a non-story to a contest where lots of people are trying very hard to write a good one.

I don't have a problem with breaching canon (the Castle of Friendship is demonstrably a branch of the Tree of Harmony), but it makes no sense that Twilight didn't show the delegation the throne room, which has her cutie mark emblazoned on a throne that is obviously a fixed part of the castle. That would have ended the argument immediately, I think. I was expecting that to be the conclusion of the story. The omission of the throne room is a glaring flaw in the story.

This story is, I think, intended to be about neurotic Twilight Sparkle learning to deal with change. Unfortunately, Twilight's characterization is not well-integrated with the storyline about the crystal ponies, because who Twilight is has no impact on the events that occur. It doesn't seem like she's given any choices to make. Wouldn't anypony react precisely as Twilight did, whether or not they were obsessive? Wouldn't Cadance force anypony to go along and accept the compromise? The nature of her character that you're so carefully illustrating doesn't influence the plot. This makes your tale feel like two unrelated stories.

Your characterization of Twilight is excellent, but I think you go too far. I'd recommend more subtlety in the early part of the story.

The ending didn't work for me because Twilight's character was overshadowed by the bizarre compromise you used to illustrate it. The way you described the compromise makes it seem tentative and very unlikely to work out. Consequently, your readers are going to be ruminating on the compromise when they should be focusing their attention on Twilight. I had to re-read the ending a couple of times before I was able to see the point you were trying to make.

The second interaction with Starlight Glimmer seems highly non sequitur, because Twilight doesn't open up about the conflict she's dealing with. You used Starlight as a way to springboard Twilight's internal thoughts, and that isn't a good use of a character. You should have had Twilight talk to Starlight as a friend, and confide in her about her conflicted feelings. This is another example of where the plot marches forward without any character involvement. A better idea would be for Twilight's dialogue with Starlight to lead her to an epiphany that allows her to make a difficult choice. Right now, Twilight doesn't make any choices, and she doesn't lean on her friends for support or advice either.

My remaining comments are minor.

How did Twilight know that 'Heart's Reliquary' meant her castle? That isn't what 'reliquary' means, and she had no cause to suspect the truth. I can't understand why she didn't ask for clarification.

The correct spelling is 'airborne' with an E, because the object is 'borne (carried) by the air'. That is, unless a pegasus is being born in the air during Extreme Pregnancy Challenge!!! :dashcool: (I'm pretty sure that's how Rainbow Dash was born, and the placenta made a nice parachute.)

You don't know what the word 'homeopathic' means. You meant to write 'herbal remedy' or 'home remedy'. Homeopathy is a science denialist viewpoint that claims smaller doses of a drug are stronger than larger doses, therefore no dose at all is the most powerful dose. Homeopaths put a tiny bit of chemical into a substance like water, then filter the water and distill it until it's 100% pure water. Then they sell it to ponies who are seriously ill, and then those ponies die. It's completely antithetical to everything Twilight believes, not to mention dangerously stupid. And they don't even add the chemical, they just tap the tip of a random flower or vine with no healing properties whatsoever against the surface of the liquid. This allows homeopaths to sell 100% pure water as a healing potion, which is as Flim and Flam as it possibly gets.

>>Feris
On the other hand, it won't distract you for long. It reads fairly easily.

This was very lovely, and the bits of comic relief sprinkled about helped cushion the blow of an otherwise tragic story.

Celestia gave a sultry wink

What kind of wink?

Anyway. I don't have any particular interest in pony fanfiction involving war, guns, the military, or humans in general, but I still read through it all and my veredict is... It's okay. It's all I really have to say.

This feels almost as a middle chapter of a longer story about HumanxPony relations. Some of the Slice of Life segments were genuinely funny to read and the whole story has a nice vibe from the twist onwards. However, they do feel like a series of segments one after another, several glimpses into a day of military excercise.

It was entertaining, but I'm left wondering what's the overall purpose? What story are you trying to tell? Right now it only feels like the filler part of a story, the fluff between the actual plot.

So, not bad... But nothing to write home about either.

I think the twist pigeon-holed this story into glossing over a lot of interesting things that could have explored, namely how the negotiations went and how all the ponies of Equestria reacted.

I admit the twist was quite a shock, but mostly in a sense of relief that I wouldn't be reading any more about a messy war. I'm not the best at visualising things, and the entire war sequence left me quite dizzy.

The concluding banter between Celestia and the military men was much more comfortable. The way the soldiers talked seemed very on point and funny in a boisterous way. Notably, the exchange between Celestia and the medic gave me Catch-22 vibes.