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Connections
“Here we are honey! Now, you play nice with the other foals, okay?”
Stone Cutter just looked up and blinked in confusion as Mommy set him down on the park's soft green grass. The little colt's face scrunched up adorably as he considered his new circumstances. On the one hoof, Mommy was going away from him, which was scary, and more than reason enough to start to cry. On the other hoof, he was surrounded by strange new sights and sounds, and he was just old enough to be endlessly curious. Crying out meant he wouldn't get to explore this exciting new place.
His indecision was eased when Mommy turned around and sat down on a bench next to some other Not-Mommy mare and smiled at him. Mommy was close, and that made everything okay! So he was free to explore! With a bit of effort, four shaky legs lifted his tiny barrel off the ground.
“Awwww, isn't he adorable? Hold old is he?”
“He'll be eleven months old in a few days. He's my firstborn, my beautiful little Stoney.”
“My little Goldie is almost the same age. Aren't foals the most wonderful things?”
Mommy and the Not-Mommy made the noises the big ponies liked to make so much. They sounded like happy noises, so everything must be good! Smiling excitedly he began to explore in earnest, trotting about as quickly as his four little legs would take him, giggling as the tall grass tickled his stomach.
Finding a patch of grass that was almost as tall as he was, Stone Cutter gleefully dove in and out of it, enjoying the feeling of dirt under his hooves and greenery rubbing against his coat. But as he escaped the grass once again, something new and different caught his eye.
It was blue and round and just big enough that he might be able to wrap both his hooves around it. It was a ball! But what was a big blue ball doing slowly rolling out of the grass? Curious and excited, he hurried over to check it out.
And arrived just as a yellow furred blur shot out of the grass and pounced on the ball.
Though pounce may have been too strong of a word. It was more like an ungraceful belly flop combined with a failed grab which sent the ball shooting away, and left the subject laying on its back, looking confused.
It took Stoney's surprised mind a moment to recognize what he was looking at. It was another pony! But small, like him! And its fur was a dull, darkish yellow, not bright blue like his coat! Plus it has a tiny little stub sticking out of its pinkish mane. Fascinated, Stoney moved in to get a closer look.
Just as the little filly snapped out of her confusion at having her ball escape (again.) She blinked her eyes to clear them… And found herself staring into a pair of giant unfamiliar green eyes. Shocked, she did what came natural.
She squealed and flailed her forelegs, bopping her attacker right in the nose.
Stoney plopped back on his haunches in surprise at the blow, and scrunched his face up once again. There was very little debate this time. This turn of events had definitely earned a good cry.
“Waaaahhhhhhhh!”
And thus it was that both mothers hurried over to comfort their respective offspring, both smiling and laughing at the trouble foals got themselves into.
Stone Cutter and Golden Ring could be forgiven for not remembering their first meeting.
“Can not!”
“Can too!”
“Can not!”
“Can too!”
Stoney glowered at the yellow furred filly before him. She was wrong. Totally, obviously, super wrong.
“Can not! You have to be wait at least five seconds before you can touch the tree and be safe again! It's in the rules!” He insisted.
“Well… You never said that when we started!” Golden Ring retorted, sticking her nose in the air.
“Yes I did!”
“No you didn't!”
“Yes I...”
“Um. Actually… You kinda didn't. Say it I mean. This time. When we started playing.” Tax Code's apologetic voice interrupted the cycle before it could begin again. Stone Cutter glanced at the rest of the fillies and colts in the park, taking note of the way most of them nodded in agreement.
“Well, um… I'm saying it now then!” He recovered, after a moment of embarrassment. “If you let go of the safe tree, you can't touch it again for five seconds! Um.. .okay?” His commanding presense dimmed significantly at the end, his ears drooping as he glanced around for support.
Luckily for him everpony else seemed to be in agreement with his edict.
“Okay! But that means that...” Goldie bopped him on the nose with a giggle. “You're it now!”
“H.. Hey! That's not fair!” He gasped, spinning around. But his complaints were ignored. The game was already in progress.
And the park was filled with squeals and laughter once more.
“Hey! Hey, Stoney!”
Stone cutter looked up at the sound of his name, pausing his slow trudge towards the schoolhouse. Spotting Golden Ring rushing over to him, he raised an eyebrow.
“What's up Goldie?”
“Did you do your math homework last night?” She asked in a desperate rush, sticking her muzzle in his face and causing Stoney to take a surprised step backwards.
“Yeah, I did it. Why? Didn't you?” He answered cautiously, putting a hoof on Goldie's chest to stop her from getting so close. Goldie was pretty okay, for a filly. But he didn't want the other colts to laugh at him if someone saw them muzzle to muzzle.
“Noooooo.” She frowned, her ears drooping. “I stayed up late reading a new comic book daddy got for me instead of doing it. Soooo...” she batted her eyes cutely, leaning in closer once again. “Can I maybe take a look at yours?”
“What? No!” Stoney frowned and leaned back, trying to maintain his distance.
“Plllleeeaasee? I'll let you come over after school and read my new comic if you do!?”
“Well….” Stoney rubbed his chin with a hoof. One the one hand, it was wrong to let somepony cheat off of you. On the other hoof, his parents and teachers always told him to help other ponies, right? Still, everypony knew girls had cooties. But Goldie was pretty cool, and there was a comic book involved, so it would be okay to visit her house, right?
“Wellllll….” He dragged the word out, watching the hopeful look on her face. “Okay!”
“Yay!” Goldie giggled and hopped around him as he undid his saddle bags to remove his homework.
The next day they both got in trouble for copying homework. It turned out that Stoney had made some very unique errors on the multiplication problems.
Goldie still let him read her comic book though.
Stoney sighed and rested his cheek on his desk, his hoof making lazy circles on the polished wood. He glanced at the empty desk beside him and sighed. Lunch was half over, but he had no real desire to eat.
It had been a month since Goldie earned her cutie mark. Apparently she'd learned a heating spell from a book in the library, and used it to melt down a few one bit coins. She had wanted to make a bracelet for her mother for Mother's Day, and ended up earning her Cutie Mark… A half finished golden ring, with the top being drops of molten gold being added to finish it.
She'd been so excited, and Stoney had been really happy for her.
Three weeks ago had been her Cutecentena. Everyone in class had been invited. It had been lots of fun.
And two weeks ago, her mother had gotten her an apprenticeship in a jewelry store. Three towns away.
Which may as well have been on the other side of the world.
Stoney wasn't quite sure why her leaving had him so depressed. Sure, he'd known her forever, but he'd known all the other colts and fillies in town forever too, and he didn't think he'd feel so bad about anypony else leaving. All he knew was that things in his life were getting strange. He was just starting to notice that fillies really were different then colts. And he'd really liked the color of her fur…
“Hey Stoney, look at this! Scavenger found it in the creek!” Parfait smiled, dropping a rough stone on the desk in front of his face.
“What is it?” He asked once he'd pulled his head back enough to get a clear view of it.
“That's what we want to know! Scavenger says it's a diamond, but Star things it's just quartz crystal! Your dad works with rocks, so we thought you might know!”
“Dad works at the quarry. He doesn't deal with gemstones.” But regardless, Stoney was intrigued. “But I think this might actually be a diamond… Hey, Rim Joist, do you have your hammer on you?”
“Sure do, Stoney!” The gangly teen quickly fished the tool out of his saddlebags and hoofed it over.
“And can I borrow one of your chisels Rocky?”
“Well, I guess...” Rock Carver was less enthusiastic than Joist had been, but produced one of his chisels regardless.
Stoney wasn't quite sure what happened after that. He just knew that it seemed obvious where the stone would cleave when struck with the chisel. And figuring out just where to break it so that the light would make it sparkle the most was really fun and challenging.
There were a lot of mistakes. Miscuts. Poorly shaped facets. A professional would have been able to produce a much higher carat final stone from the same raw diamond. But none of that really mattered to Stoney. All that mattered was making that stone sparkle.
He was so focused on his task that he was the only one in the room to not notice when his flank began to glow.
By the time he lifted up his finished work to admire it, an image of a stylized gemstone with a pickaxe cleaving off one of the facets was emblazoned on his flank. The excitement of the moment, and the following days and weeks, drove any thoughts of his friend right out of his mind.
Six weeks later he was on a train to Baltimare to work as an apprentice gem cutter.
Stoney bit back a groan as he walked down one of Baltimare's many side streets. His hooves ached from hours of work cutting and shaping gemstones. Not that he didn't enjoy his work. Or regretted the last three years he'd spent learning under Gem Shaper. He had learned so very much in those few short years.
But he was getting tired of doing all of the scut work and working on such small, cheap stones. The detail work was wearing his hooves down to the frogs!
Still, his hard work was paying off! Just the other day Shaper had given him a half dozen small stones and told him they were his to do with what he pleased… And sell himself when he was done.
Which was why he was wandering the shopping district this afternoon on one of his few days off. He'd finished working the stones yesterday afternoon, and was now looking for a place to sell them. He knew Shaper's usual customers of course. But he'd heard a new jewelry store had opened up, and it wouldn't hurt to have his work examined by fresh eyes, right?
Plus, it was past time for him to start making his own contacts.
“Ah, this must be it. Lapidaries Workshop.” His ear flicked thoughtfully as the name rang a few bells in the back of his mind. But with a shrug he dropped the thought and pushed the door open, jingling a small bell.
“Just a minute!” A mare's voice called from the back room.
“Take your time!” Stoney called back. He decided to take a moment to examine the shop's wares. Perhaps he could get a feel for what kind of stones the owner might prefer. He was bent over a display case examining a necklace when the proprietor returned.
“I'm back! Now, how can I help you sir?”
“Well, Miss Lapidary, my name is...” Stone Cutter looked up and blinked in surprise.
“Goldie?” He gasped in shock.
“Stoney?” The mare replied, her own eyes going wide. “Oh wow! What are you doing here?”
“Trying to sell some gemstones! What are YOU doing here?”
“I'm Miss Lapidary's apprentice. She decided she wanted to move the shop to the city, so here we are!”
The pair stared at each other for another few moments, silly smiles on their face. Then Golden Ring was suddenly on the other side of the counter, giving him a hug.
“It's so good to see somepony from back home!” She crowed.
Stoney was a bit startled by the hug, but looking back into Goldie's big, hazel eyes, he smiled.
“Yeah, it really is.” He hugged her back for a moment before separating.
“We should go get lunch and catch up!”
“Sure!” Stoney glanced at his saddle bags, then smirked. “Why, I'll even pay! Assuming, of course, that I make a good sale on my gemstones…” He trailed off teasingly.
“Why Mr. Cutter, are you trying to bribe me into putting in a good word with my boss?” She raised a hoof to her mouth, feigning shock.
“Well, that depends. Is it working?” He waggled his eyebrows wildly
“Nope!” She tossed her head, sending her pink mane flaring out. “Because I would have put in a good word for you anyway!” She snorted, turning away into the back room.
Stoney just smiled and shook his head, watching her leave. Goldie hadn't changed a bit.
Hazel eyes flashed back through his thoughts. Along with a lovely yellow coat covering a lithe, svelte figure.
Perhaps she had changed a little.
“Ugh. I am SO tired of working on trinkets and cast offs.”
Stoney just nodded as he took another sip of his drink.
“Yeah, I know exactly how you feel. Mister Shaper has been pretty pleased with my work, but he still does all of the complex and interesting cuts himself.” He sighed and rolled his eyes.
Goldie nodded in agreement and the two descended back into a companionable silence, pony watching those who passed by the small outdoor cafe.
The two of them had been meeting up like this every week or two, schedules permitting, for the last six months. It was a chance to catch up on the old days, gossip about what was going on back home and, of course, complain about their own jobs and apprenticeships.
It was nice to have someone to commiserate with. And a friend to talk to. Until he'd run into Golden Ring, Stoney hadn't realized just how much he'd isolates himself with his focus on work. Sure, he had plenty of acquaintances, but he hadn't really gone out to make true friends. Not like Goldie.
“I just wish I could strike out on my own. I'm ready! I think.” He sighed.
“Same thing here. But it's just not possible. Most of the small towns around here have their own local jewelers. And shop space here is just too expensive! I don't know about you, but I don't want to move all the way to Manehattan, and even if I did, it's probably worse there! It's going to take forever to save enough to open my store.” She plopped her head down on the table and groaned.
“I have it a bit better in that I don't need a store front. I just need a proper workspace to do my gem cutting. But most shops already have suppliers for their stones. I'll probably have to move somewhere else, and I've been saving up money to do so… But I kind of like it here. I don't want to move.” He sighed.
“Let's face it. We're doomed.” She snorted, her face hidden behind her forelegs.
“Yeah, we kinda are. Unless...” He smiled as a thought occurred to him.
“Unless what?” Goldie lifted her head up just enough to look over her legs.
“Unless we split the cost.”
“Split the cost?” One of Goldie's ears perked up in curiosity.
“Yeah! Think about it! We've both been saving up… If we split the cost we can afford to rent a storefront! And as long as it has a large work room in the back, there'd be enough space for both of us to work.”
“True.” She rubbed her chin with her hoof. “And I could gear towards jewelry styles with lots of gemstones. Miss Lapidary has had me working your stones into my pieces for a while now, and they're really quite good.”
“It would certainly save me from having to move away. And if we work together, I can focus on getting the types and cuts of stones that will work best for your pieces, as opposed to having a grab bag of various stones that may or may not be what you need.”
“Yeah! And if that's the case, we could focus more on customized jewelry too! Make exactly what the customer wants! There's a big markup for that sort of work, and I don't think that market is well served around here...”
Silence descended as the pair stared at one another, grins adorning both their faces. Finally, Stoney raised his hoof.
“Deal?”
“Deal!”
“Topaz?” Stoney questioned
“Topaz.” Came the firm response.
Stoney instinctively moved to the side, allowing his partner to reach the buffing wheel beside him unimpeded. His eyes never left the stone he was carefully carving.
“Well, if that's what the customer wants. But I think it would look better with a sapphire.”
“I told him that! It would look ten times better with a sapphire. I even offered to do it at the same price! But he wanted Topaz.”
Stoney didn't need to look up to know what Goldie was rolling her eyes. His own eyes were locked onto the diamond before him, having decided exactly where to make the next cut. His hoof quested around on the table for his small chisel, only for it to levitate directly into his hoof.
“Well, it's his loss. How's that pendant coming along.” He slid the tip of the chisel into place, giving it a light tap with his hammer. He smiled as the cut came out perfectly. Without conscious thought his rear hoof reached back to flip the power switch for the engraver Goldie was about to use.
“It's going great! I'll need two more emeralds though. Maybe… Two carat each? Symmetrical of course. Do you think you can do two oval cuts?”
“Sure. I think I have an emerald in stock I can split into two pieces.”
“Great! If we can get that piece out by tomorrow, Miss Snooty will be very pleased.” Goldie slipped by once more, taking her seat at the workbench beside him and using her magic to turn on the buffing wheel.
A companionable silence descended over the workroom once again, both ponies fully engrossed in their efforts. Stoney removed another chip, then paused to examine his work. A sense of pleased contentment filled him as he looked up for the first time in ages.
Beside him, Goldie was just as focused on her own tasks, using her magic to carefully heat, shape, and cool a small golden band. He watched her work and smiled, a feeling of warmth filling his chest as he considered how far they had come.
As it turned out, even pooling their money hadn't been enough to purchase a shop with properly sized workroom. But they'd persevered. Their space was limited, and they'd had more than a few arguments about layout as they'd gotten started. But after a year and a half of working side by side in such close quarters, they'd learned to work together at a level that was more or less instinctive.
With their combined talents, “Gold Cutters Custom Jewelry” had earned a reputation for high quality made to order pieces, done well and done quickly. As a matter of fact, business was doing well enough that they could probably afford to move into a larger storefront. It was doing well enough that they probably should move into a bigger storefront!
But while they discussed the idea occasionally, neither of them were really pushing for it. He just felt that they'd lose… something if they moved. Something he couldn't quite put his hoof on. Something intangible.
Glancing beside him once again, Stoney watched the lovely young mare work. Their work benches were so close that they were practically flank to flank. Oblivious to his gaze, Goldie continued to focus on the task before her, the orange glow of her horn illuminating the look of concentration on her face.
The realization struck him like a lightening bolt. This. This is what he would miss. This feeling of closeness. Of working together so seamlessly. Of being two parts of a single whole. Of being together with the mare at his side. Whether they were chatting over a quick lunch or a late dinner, or sitting side by side working quietly as they were now.
Turning away, he stared unseeing at the workstation before him. Instead, he was looking inside himself, searching his feelings. Had this… connection he felt always been there? When had it started? When had it grown so strong? And what should he do about it?
After a few minutes consideration, he realized he had no answers to the first three questions. But that was okay, because the answer to the fourth was suddenly crystal clear.
With a smile and a warmth in his heart, he returned his focus to his work.
“What in Celestia's name happened here?” The shock and dismay in Golden Ring's voice roused Stoney from his brief nap, and his head shot up from the workbench he was resting on.
He turned to look around the workroom, grimacing slightly at the sight. He'd been up half the night working, and hadn't had time to clean up the detritus of his efforts. Tools were spread out across the area. Tins of polishing compound had been left open. Molten globs of gold littered the area around the small casting furnace. Everything was in disorder and disarray.
Even when they'd first begun working together, before they'd found their groove, things had never been this bad. Mostly because neither of them had attempted to use each other's equipment.
But none of that mattered to Stoney at the moment.
Getting back to his hooves, Stoney limped towards his stunned partner, a smile on his face despite the pain walking on his burned hooves brought it.
“Stoney? What happened here? And what happened to YOU? Are you okay?” Worry and concern filled her eyes as she turned away from the room to focus on her partner. His mane was a mess, there were bags under his eyes, and he winced slightly with each step. This was not the Stoney she knew, and a frisson of fear ran down her spine at the thought that something might be seriously wrong.
“I have never been better, Goldie.” He replied with a tired smile before lowering himself to his knees before her.
“Golden Ring, the last year we've spent as business partners has been wonderful. And now I realize why. It's not because our business has been successful. It's not because of the bits we've been bringing in. It's not even because I enjoy the work and the challenge.” He took a deep breath and looked her directly in the eye.
“It's because every day I come to work is a day I get to spend beside you. It's a feeling I cherish, and one I never want to be without. We've been business partners for so long… You would make me the happiest stallion alive if you would agree to be my partner in everything.”
From his saddle bags he extracted a ring. It was a simple thing. A plain, golden band. It was somewhat rough and crude, made by hooves that had never before worked metal, though they had seen it done a thousand times. But it had clearly been made with love, and polished to a beautiful shine.
“Goldie… Will you marry me?”
Golden Ring stood stock still through Stoney's entire speech, a hoof covering her mouth and her eyes as wide as dinner plates. She gasped in shock at the proposal, tears prickling at the corners of her eyes.
And then she was in front of him, hugging him tightly to her chest.
“Yes! Yes, of course I will you silly, silly colt!”
Stoney hugged her right back as a softy orange glow lifted the ring from his singed hoof.
The shinning band of gold fit perfectly over his fiance's horn.
Stone Cutter just looked up and blinked in confusion as Mommy set him down on the park's soft green grass. The little colt's face scrunched up adorably as he considered his new circumstances. On the one hoof, Mommy was going away from him, which was scary, and more than reason enough to start to cry. On the other hoof, he was surrounded by strange new sights and sounds, and he was just old enough to be endlessly curious. Crying out meant he wouldn't get to explore this exciting new place.
His indecision was eased when Mommy turned around and sat down on a bench next to some other Not-Mommy mare and smiled at him. Mommy was close, and that made everything okay! So he was free to explore! With a bit of effort, four shaky legs lifted his tiny barrel off the ground.
“Awwww, isn't he adorable? Hold old is he?”
“He'll be eleven months old in a few days. He's my firstborn, my beautiful little Stoney.”
“My little Goldie is almost the same age. Aren't foals the most wonderful things?”
Mommy and the Not-Mommy made the noises the big ponies liked to make so much. They sounded like happy noises, so everything must be good! Smiling excitedly he began to explore in earnest, trotting about as quickly as his four little legs would take him, giggling as the tall grass tickled his stomach.
Finding a patch of grass that was almost as tall as he was, Stone Cutter gleefully dove in and out of it, enjoying the feeling of dirt under his hooves and greenery rubbing against his coat. But as he escaped the grass once again, something new and different caught his eye.
It was blue and round and just big enough that he might be able to wrap both his hooves around it. It was a ball! But what was a big blue ball doing slowly rolling out of the grass? Curious and excited, he hurried over to check it out.
And arrived just as a yellow furred blur shot out of the grass and pounced on the ball.
Though pounce may have been too strong of a word. It was more like an ungraceful belly flop combined with a failed grab which sent the ball shooting away, and left the subject laying on its back, looking confused.
It took Stoney's surprised mind a moment to recognize what he was looking at. It was another pony! But small, like him! And its fur was a dull, darkish yellow, not bright blue like his coat! Plus it has a tiny little stub sticking out of its pinkish mane. Fascinated, Stoney moved in to get a closer look.
Just as the little filly snapped out of her confusion at having her ball escape (again.) She blinked her eyes to clear them… And found herself staring into a pair of giant unfamiliar green eyes. Shocked, she did what came natural.
She squealed and flailed her forelegs, bopping her attacker right in the nose.
Stoney plopped back on his haunches in surprise at the blow, and scrunched his face up once again. There was very little debate this time. This turn of events had definitely earned a good cry.
“Waaaahhhhhhhh!”
And thus it was that both mothers hurried over to comfort their respective offspring, both smiling and laughing at the trouble foals got themselves into.
Stone Cutter and Golden Ring could be forgiven for not remembering their first meeting.
“Can not!”
“Can too!”
“Can not!”
“Can too!”
Stoney glowered at the yellow furred filly before him. She was wrong. Totally, obviously, super wrong.
“Can not! You have to be wait at least five seconds before you can touch the tree and be safe again! It's in the rules!” He insisted.
“Well… You never said that when we started!” Golden Ring retorted, sticking her nose in the air.
“Yes I did!”
“No you didn't!”
“Yes I...”
“Um. Actually… You kinda didn't. Say it I mean. This time. When we started playing.” Tax Code's apologetic voice interrupted the cycle before it could begin again. Stone Cutter glanced at the rest of the fillies and colts in the park, taking note of the way most of them nodded in agreement.
“Well, um… I'm saying it now then!” He recovered, after a moment of embarrassment. “If you let go of the safe tree, you can't touch it again for five seconds! Um.. .okay?” His commanding presense dimmed significantly at the end, his ears drooping as he glanced around for support.
Luckily for him everpony else seemed to be in agreement with his edict.
“Okay! But that means that...” Goldie bopped him on the nose with a giggle. “You're it now!”
“H.. Hey! That's not fair!” He gasped, spinning around. But his complaints were ignored. The game was already in progress.
And the park was filled with squeals and laughter once more.
“Hey! Hey, Stoney!”
Stone cutter looked up at the sound of his name, pausing his slow trudge towards the schoolhouse. Spotting Golden Ring rushing over to him, he raised an eyebrow.
“What's up Goldie?”
“Did you do your math homework last night?” She asked in a desperate rush, sticking her muzzle in his face and causing Stoney to take a surprised step backwards.
“Yeah, I did it. Why? Didn't you?” He answered cautiously, putting a hoof on Goldie's chest to stop her from getting so close. Goldie was pretty okay, for a filly. But he didn't want the other colts to laugh at him if someone saw them muzzle to muzzle.
“Noooooo.” She frowned, her ears drooping. “I stayed up late reading a new comic book daddy got for me instead of doing it. Soooo...” she batted her eyes cutely, leaning in closer once again. “Can I maybe take a look at yours?”
“What? No!” Stoney frowned and leaned back, trying to maintain his distance.
“Plllleeeaasee? I'll let you come over after school and read my new comic if you do!?”
“Well….” Stoney rubbed his chin with a hoof. One the one hand, it was wrong to let somepony cheat off of you. On the other hoof, his parents and teachers always told him to help other ponies, right? Still, everypony knew girls had cooties. But Goldie was pretty cool, and there was a comic book involved, so it would be okay to visit her house, right?
“Wellllll….” He dragged the word out, watching the hopeful look on her face. “Okay!”
“Yay!” Goldie giggled and hopped around him as he undid his saddle bags to remove his homework.
The next day they both got in trouble for copying homework. It turned out that Stoney had made some very unique errors on the multiplication problems.
Goldie still let him read her comic book though.
Stoney sighed and rested his cheek on his desk, his hoof making lazy circles on the polished wood. He glanced at the empty desk beside him and sighed. Lunch was half over, but he had no real desire to eat.
It had been a month since Goldie earned her cutie mark. Apparently she'd learned a heating spell from a book in the library, and used it to melt down a few one bit coins. She had wanted to make a bracelet for her mother for Mother's Day, and ended up earning her Cutie Mark… A half finished golden ring, with the top being drops of molten gold being added to finish it.
She'd been so excited, and Stoney had been really happy for her.
Three weeks ago had been her Cutecentena. Everyone in class had been invited. It had been lots of fun.
And two weeks ago, her mother had gotten her an apprenticeship in a jewelry store. Three towns away.
Which may as well have been on the other side of the world.
Stoney wasn't quite sure why her leaving had him so depressed. Sure, he'd known her forever, but he'd known all the other colts and fillies in town forever too, and he didn't think he'd feel so bad about anypony else leaving. All he knew was that things in his life were getting strange. He was just starting to notice that fillies really were different then colts. And he'd really liked the color of her fur…
“Hey Stoney, look at this! Scavenger found it in the creek!” Parfait smiled, dropping a rough stone on the desk in front of his face.
“What is it?” He asked once he'd pulled his head back enough to get a clear view of it.
“That's what we want to know! Scavenger says it's a diamond, but Star things it's just quartz crystal! Your dad works with rocks, so we thought you might know!”
“Dad works at the quarry. He doesn't deal with gemstones.” But regardless, Stoney was intrigued. “But I think this might actually be a diamond… Hey, Rim Joist, do you have your hammer on you?”
“Sure do, Stoney!” The gangly teen quickly fished the tool out of his saddlebags and hoofed it over.
“And can I borrow one of your chisels Rocky?”
“Well, I guess...” Rock Carver was less enthusiastic than Joist had been, but produced one of his chisels regardless.
Stoney wasn't quite sure what happened after that. He just knew that it seemed obvious where the stone would cleave when struck with the chisel. And figuring out just where to break it so that the light would make it sparkle the most was really fun and challenging.
There were a lot of mistakes. Miscuts. Poorly shaped facets. A professional would have been able to produce a much higher carat final stone from the same raw diamond. But none of that really mattered to Stoney. All that mattered was making that stone sparkle.
He was so focused on his task that he was the only one in the room to not notice when his flank began to glow.
By the time he lifted up his finished work to admire it, an image of a stylized gemstone with a pickaxe cleaving off one of the facets was emblazoned on his flank. The excitement of the moment, and the following days and weeks, drove any thoughts of his friend right out of his mind.
Six weeks later he was on a train to Baltimare to work as an apprentice gem cutter.
Stoney bit back a groan as he walked down one of Baltimare's many side streets. His hooves ached from hours of work cutting and shaping gemstones. Not that he didn't enjoy his work. Or regretted the last three years he'd spent learning under Gem Shaper. He had learned so very much in those few short years.
But he was getting tired of doing all of the scut work and working on such small, cheap stones. The detail work was wearing his hooves down to the frogs!
Still, his hard work was paying off! Just the other day Shaper had given him a half dozen small stones and told him they were his to do with what he pleased… And sell himself when he was done.
Which was why he was wandering the shopping district this afternoon on one of his few days off. He'd finished working the stones yesterday afternoon, and was now looking for a place to sell them. He knew Shaper's usual customers of course. But he'd heard a new jewelry store had opened up, and it wouldn't hurt to have his work examined by fresh eyes, right?
Plus, it was past time for him to start making his own contacts.
“Ah, this must be it. Lapidaries Workshop.” His ear flicked thoughtfully as the name rang a few bells in the back of his mind. But with a shrug he dropped the thought and pushed the door open, jingling a small bell.
“Just a minute!” A mare's voice called from the back room.
“Take your time!” Stoney called back. He decided to take a moment to examine the shop's wares. Perhaps he could get a feel for what kind of stones the owner might prefer. He was bent over a display case examining a necklace when the proprietor returned.
“I'm back! Now, how can I help you sir?”
“Well, Miss Lapidary, my name is...” Stone Cutter looked up and blinked in surprise.
“Goldie?” He gasped in shock.
“Stoney?” The mare replied, her own eyes going wide. “Oh wow! What are you doing here?”
“Trying to sell some gemstones! What are YOU doing here?”
“I'm Miss Lapidary's apprentice. She decided she wanted to move the shop to the city, so here we are!”
The pair stared at each other for another few moments, silly smiles on their face. Then Golden Ring was suddenly on the other side of the counter, giving him a hug.
“It's so good to see somepony from back home!” She crowed.
Stoney was a bit startled by the hug, but looking back into Goldie's big, hazel eyes, he smiled.
“Yeah, it really is.” He hugged her back for a moment before separating.
“We should go get lunch and catch up!”
“Sure!” Stoney glanced at his saddle bags, then smirked. “Why, I'll even pay! Assuming, of course, that I make a good sale on my gemstones…” He trailed off teasingly.
“Why Mr. Cutter, are you trying to bribe me into putting in a good word with my boss?” She raised a hoof to her mouth, feigning shock.
“Well, that depends. Is it working?” He waggled his eyebrows wildly
“Nope!” She tossed her head, sending her pink mane flaring out. “Because I would have put in a good word for you anyway!” She snorted, turning away into the back room.
Stoney just smiled and shook his head, watching her leave. Goldie hadn't changed a bit.
Hazel eyes flashed back through his thoughts. Along with a lovely yellow coat covering a lithe, svelte figure.
Perhaps she had changed a little.
“Ugh. I am SO tired of working on trinkets and cast offs.”
Stoney just nodded as he took another sip of his drink.
“Yeah, I know exactly how you feel. Mister Shaper has been pretty pleased with my work, but he still does all of the complex and interesting cuts himself.” He sighed and rolled his eyes.
Goldie nodded in agreement and the two descended back into a companionable silence, pony watching those who passed by the small outdoor cafe.
The two of them had been meeting up like this every week or two, schedules permitting, for the last six months. It was a chance to catch up on the old days, gossip about what was going on back home and, of course, complain about their own jobs and apprenticeships.
It was nice to have someone to commiserate with. And a friend to talk to. Until he'd run into Golden Ring, Stoney hadn't realized just how much he'd isolates himself with his focus on work. Sure, he had plenty of acquaintances, but he hadn't really gone out to make true friends. Not like Goldie.
“I just wish I could strike out on my own. I'm ready! I think.” He sighed.
“Same thing here. But it's just not possible. Most of the small towns around here have their own local jewelers. And shop space here is just too expensive! I don't know about you, but I don't want to move all the way to Manehattan, and even if I did, it's probably worse there! It's going to take forever to save enough to open my store.” She plopped her head down on the table and groaned.
“I have it a bit better in that I don't need a store front. I just need a proper workspace to do my gem cutting. But most shops already have suppliers for their stones. I'll probably have to move somewhere else, and I've been saving up money to do so… But I kind of like it here. I don't want to move.” He sighed.
“Let's face it. We're doomed.” She snorted, her face hidden behind her forelegs.
“Yeah, we kinda are. Unless...” He smiled as a thought occurred to him.
“Unless what?” Goldie lifted her head up just enough to look over her legs.
“Unless we split the cost.”
“Split the cost?” One of Goldie's ears perked up in curiosity.
“Yeah! Think about it! We've both been saving up… If we split the cost we can afford to rent a storefront! And as long as it has a large work room in the back, there'd be enough space for both of us to work.”
“True.” She rubbed her chin with her hoof. “And I could gear towards jewelry styles with lots of gemstones. Miss Lapidary has had me working your stones into my pieces for a while now, and they're really quite good.”
“It would certainly save me from having to move away. And if we work together, I can focus on getting the types and cuts of stones that will work best for your pieces, as opposed to having a grab bag of various stones that may or may not be what you need.”
“Yeah! And if that's the case, we could focus more on customized jewelry too! Make exactly what the customer wants! There's a big markup for that sort of work, and I don't think that market is well served around here...”
Silence descended as the pair stared at one another, grins adorning both their faces. Finally, Stoney raised his hoof.
“Deal?”
“Deal!”
“Topaz?” Stoney questioned
“Topaz.” Came the firm response.
Stoney instinctively moved to the side, allowing his partner to reach the buffing wheel beside him unimpeded. His eyes never left the stone he was carefully carving.
“Well, if that's what the customer wants. But I think it would look better with a sapphire.”
“I told him that! It would look ten times better with a sapphire. I even offered to do it at the same price! But he wanted Topaz.”
Stoney didn't need to look up to know what Goldie was rolling her eyes. His own eyes were locked onto the diamond before him, having decided exactly where to make the next cut. His hoof quested around on the table for his small chisel, only for it to levitate directly into his hoof.
“Well, it's his loss. How's that pendant coming along.” He slid the tip of the chisel into place, giving it a light tap with his hammer. He smiled as the cut came out perfectly. Without conscious thought his rear hoof reached back to flip the power switch for the engraver Goldie was about to use.
“It's going great! I'll need two more emeralds though. Maybe… Two carat each? Symmetrical of course. Do you think you can do two oval cuts?”
“Sure. I think I have an emerald in stock I can split into two pieces.”
“Great! If we can get that piece out by tomorrow, Miss Snooty will be very pleased.” Goldie slipped by once more, taking her seat at the workbench beside him and using her magic to turn on the buffing wheel.
A companionable silence descended over the workroom once again, both ponies fully engrossed in their efforts. Stoney removed another chip, then paused to examine his work. A sense of pleased contentment filled him as he looked up for the first time in ages.
Beside him, Goldie was just as focused on her own tasks, using her magic to carefully heat, shape, and cool a small golden band. He watched her work and smiled, a feeling of warmth filling his chest as he considered how far they had come.
As it turned out, even pooling their money hadn't been enough to purchase a shop with properly sized workroom. But they'd persevered. Their space was limited, and they'd had more than a few arguments about layout as they'd gotten started. But after a year and a half of working side by side in such close quarters, they'd learned to work together at a level that was more or less instinctive.
With their combined talents, “Gold Cutters Custom Jewelry” had earned a reputation for high quality made to order pieces, done well and done quickly. As a matter of fact, business was doing well enough that they could probably afford to move into a larger storefront. It was doing well enough that they probably should move into a bigger storefront!
But while they discussed the idea occasionally, neither of them were really pushing for it. He just felt that they'd lose… something if they moved. Something he couldn't quite put his hoof on. Something intangible.
Glancing beside him once again, Stoney watched the lovely young mare work. Their work benches were so close that they were practically flank to flank. Oblivious to his gaze, Goldie continued to focus on the task before her, the orange glow of her horn illuminating the look of concentration on her face.
The realization struck him like a lightening bolt. This. This is what he would miss. This feeling of closeness. Of working together so seamlessly. Of being two parts of a single whole. Of being together with the mare at his side. Whether they were chatting over a quick lunch or a late dinner, or sitting side by side working quietly as they were now.
Turning away, he stared unseeing at the workstation before him. Instead, he was looking inside himself, searching his feelings. Had this… connection he felt always been there? When had it started? When had it grown so strong? And what should he do about it?
After a few minutes consideration, he realized he had no answers to the first three questions. But that was okay, because the answer to the fourth was suddenly crystal clear.
With a smile and a warmth in his heart, he returned his focus to his work.
“What in Celestia's name happened here?” The shock and dismay in Golden Ring's voice roused Stoney from his brief nap, and his head shot up from the workbench he was resting on.
He turned to look around the workroom, grimacing slightly at the sight. He'd been up half the night working, and hadn't had time to clean up the detritus of his efforts. Tools were spread out across the area. Tins of polishing compound had been left open. Molten globs of gold littered the area around the small casting furnace. Everything was in disorder and disarray.
Even when they'd first begun working together, before they'd found their groove, things had never been this bad. Mostly because neither of them had attempted to use each other's equipment.
But none of that mattered to Stoney at the moment.
Getting back to his hooves, Stoney limped towards his stunned partner, a smile on his face despite the pain walking on his burned hooves brought it.
“Stoney? What happened here? And what happened to YOU? Are you okay?” Worry and concern filled her eyes as she turned away from the room to focus on her partner. His mane was a mess, there were bags under his eyes, and he winced slightly with each step. This was not the Stoney she knew, and a frisson of fear ran down her spine at the thought that something might be seriously wrong.
“I have never been better, Goldie.” He replied with a tired smile before lowering himself to his knees before her.
“Golden Ring, the last year we've spent as business partners has been wonderful. And now I realize why. It's not because our business has been successful. It's not because of the bits we've been bringing in. It's not even because I enjoy the work and the challenge.” He took a deep breath and looked her directly in the eye.
“It's because every day I come to work is a day I get to spend beside you. It's a feeling I cherish, and one I never want to be without. We've been business partners for so long… You would make me the happiest stallion alive if you would agree to be my partner in everything.”
From his saddle bags he extracted a ring. It was a simple thing. A plain, golden band. It was somewhat rough and crude, made by hooves that had never before worked metal, though they had seen it done a thousand times. But it had clearly been made with love, and polished to a beautiful shine.
“Goldie… Will you marry me?”
Golden Ring stood stock still through Stoney's entire speech, a hoof covering her mouth and her eyes as wide as dinner plates. She gasped in shock at the proposal, tears prickling at the corners of her eyes.
And then she was in front of him, hugging him tightly to her chest.
“Yes! Yes, of course I will you silly, silly colt!”
Stoney hugged her right back as a softy orange glow lifted the ring from his singed hoof.
The shinning band of gold fit perfectly over his fiance's horn.
It had been a month since Goldie earned her cutie mark. Apparently she'd learned a heating spell from a book in the library, and used it to melt down a few one bit coins. She had wanted to make a bracelet for her mother for Mother's Day, and ended up earning her Cutie Mark… A half finished golden ring, with the top being drops of molten gold being added to finish it.
Ah, so her special talent is being Celebrimbor, chief of the Elven smiths of Eregion. Watch out that Sauron feller, Goldie; I hear he's a bad egg.
I'm gonna be highly critical of this story, and I'm not gonna mince words. I know it goes without saying, but please don't take any of what I'm about to say personally. You did make me smile and go "d'aww" on more than one occasion while I was reading this. But I don't feel like it quite achieves its full potential.
Sappy, fluffy, slice of life is my bread and butter, so this is a story that strongly appealed to me, enough that I could overlook the little editing mishaps that didn't get ironed out before submission. Loved the characters, loved their relationship, loved the way you broke the story up into little chunks of their lives together.
But I think that, ultimately, the story is an empty one And there are two reasons for that. The first, and most obvious, is that the leap from Stoney realizing that he's in love with Goldie to Stoney proposing is so drastic and sudden. I was expecting a reversal where Goldie declined his proposal and their friendship fell apart. And when that didn't happen, and the story ended, I felt a little let down.
It felt like a key moment in the story was missing. The moment where the two of them actually connected, and did or said something that indicated they were moving beyond a simple friendship with one another. It didn't need to be something grand or clicheic, like a first kiss with baited breath and tongues engaging in an EPIC BATTLE FOR DOMINANCE. A look between them, a moment of mutual understanding, something that changes their dynamic and brings their feelings for one another to the forefront (that's another thing: since we only see the story from Stoney's perspective, and we don't see anything from Goldie, we have no way of knowing until the end of the story that Goldie actually reciprocates his feelings. For all we know, she's gay as fuck and just has really good chemistry with him). Maybe something that initially drives them apart, before bringing them together at the end for the proposal.
And that actually leads into the second problem I had with the story. There's no conflict. There's no impediment to their romance, besides the two of them parting ways after Goldie gets her Celebrimbor mark. This is a love story, and the drama that drives the story should come from impediments to their love. You reference arguments that happened early on in their collaboration, but how about showing them to us? And/or doing something towards the end that throws the resolution of the story into question?
There's no climax, basically. There's no climax because there's no conflict, and there's no conflict because, despite the fact that you've created two characters who I did want to see end up together, you did nothing to make me think that they ultimately would not. There was no tension for me to worry over, and ultimately, little for me to get invested in. By the halfway mark, I was pretty positive I knew how the story was going to end, but I was holding out hope for a twist that never came. And then I was sad.
Plenty to like, but plenty to expand upon, too. I must reluctantly bestow upon this story a shameful score of 8/10/
Right from the beginning, the viewpoint seems a little off. Our narration seems unsure whether it wants to sit inside or outside Stone's head, and ends up doing both poorly. Who, for example, makes this judgement? “The little colt's face scrunched up adorably …” This also comes over in the bizarrely formal and logical way his decision not to cry is framed. That's fine for an external narrator talking about a child, but if you want to be in his head then you'd be better off demonstrating how all this new stuff is catching attention rather than just talking about it.
(You can pull a trick like this off, if you subordinate the subjective narration to the objective, but that doesn't happen here.)
Now here's an overloaded sentence: “Smiling excitedly he began to explore in earnest, trotting about as quickly as his four little legs would take him, giggling as the tall grass tickled his stomach.” Aside from the grammar problems, you'd do better cutting it up unless there's something yu want to convey by such a sentence structure.
And in the next section: “the yellow furred filly” should be “the yellow-haired filly” should be “filly” should be “Golden Ring”.
More generally, the prose is getting rather dull here. You achieve descriptions by cramming in adjectives and adverbs. A few are useful now and then; otherwise, cut them back. If you want descriptive richenss, there are better ways. Aside from that, I see what may be a victim of the fool's version of show-don't-tell: The conversations are littered with a stream of small, cliché actions – rolling eyes, sighing, and the like. Cut back on those too.
Ah, now, nearing the end. The scene of Stone and Goldie working together is one of the strongest in your story. It's a demonstration of how well they get on together. This is how you make points with fiction. Then … you kind of ruin it: “This feeling of closeness. Of working together so seamlessly. Of being two parts of a single whole. Of being together with the mare at his side.” We don't need these reflections; we've already got the message.
Finally, to the end. And I'm afraid all my above criticisms are minor compared to the big one, which is that there's not really anything here. The story is all flash and no substance. In a love story – or any story about character dynamics – you start with the characters. From character springs action, the dynamics of the story: The choices they make, how they (struggle to) relate to one another, how they react to the events around them. The best love stories, in my experience, give the characters a reason to annoy each other, and a better reason for them to stay together.
But you don't have characters. You have names and coat colours going through various situations. Att he end of this I have no real idea who Stone and Goldie are in any meaningful sense. So lacking this engine of character, the story is powered by nothing but superficial life events, random chance, and sentimentality.
For where you might want to develop this, let's go back to an early scene. Goldie has failed to do her homework and needs to copy Stone's. Why? Is she lazy, easily distracted, a massive fan of comics, really close to her dad … ? If you work through this, it can come back into the story in various guises, affect the plot, and so forth. And what about Stone – he got punished for helping her. How does he feel about this? Is he angry? If not, is he a pushover? In either case, why? Just continue to develop like this – that's how you grow characters.
(You can pull a trick like this off, if you subordinate the subjective narration to the objective, but that doesn't happen here.)
Now here's an overloaded sentence: “Smiling excitedly he began to explore in earnest, trotting about as quickly as his four little legs would take him, giggling as the tall grass tickled his stomach.” Aside from the grammar problems, you'd do better cutting it up unless there's something yu want to convey by such a sentence structure.
And in the next section: “the yellow furred filly” should be “the yellow-haired filly” should be “filly” should be “Golden Ring”.
More generally, the prose is getting rather dull here. You achieve descriptions by cramming in adjectives and adverbs. A few are useful now and then; otherwise, cut them back. If you want descriptive richenss, there are better ways. Aside from that, I see what may be a victim of the fool's version of show-don't-tell: The conversations are littered with a stream of small, cliché actions – rolling eyes, sighing, and the like. Cut back on those too.
Ah, now, nearing the end. The scene of Stone and Goldie working together is one of the strongest in your story. It's a demonstration of how well they get on together. This is how you make points with fiction. Then … you kind of ruin it: “This feeling of closeness. Of working together so seamlessly. Of being two parts of a single whole. Of being together with the mare at his side.” We don't need these reflections; we've already got the message.
Finally, to the end. And I'm afraid all my above criticisms are minor compared to the big one, which is that there's not really anything here. The story is all flash and no substance. In a love story – or any story about character dynamics – you start with the characters. From character springs action, the dynamics of the story: The choices they make, how they (struggle to) relate to one another, how they react to the events around them. The best love stories, in my experience, give the characters a reason to annoy each other, and a better reason for them to stay together.
But you don't have characters. You have names and coat colours going through various situations. Att he end of this I have no real idea who Stone and Goldie are in any meaningful sense. So lacking this engine of character, the story is powered by nothing but superficial life events, random chance, and sentimentality.
For where you might want to develop this, let's go back to an early scene. Goldie has failed to do her homework and needs to copy Stone's. Why? Is she lazy, easily distracted, a massive fan of comics, really close to her dad … ? If you work through this, it can come back into the story in various guises, affect the plot, and so forth. And what about Stone – he got punished for helping her. How does he feel about this? Is he angry? If not, is he a pushover? In either case, why? Just continue to develop like this – that's how you grow characters.
This is a pleasant story, but it doesn't really go anywhere unexpected, which is unfortunate due to how well you've colored your characters. Both ponies share unrealistically enmeshed lives, and there's nothing to explain the destiny involved, which makes it seem a little fake.
I think you did a good job of illustrating a healthy relationship, but the engagement makes no sense at all. The moment he realizes he's attracted to somepony, he asks to marry them? Isn't that crazy presumptuous, especially when she's never shown a romantic interest in him?
Ultimately I think you have the compatibility element illustrated very well, but there's almost no romance except for the one-sided and somewhat selfish romantic desires by one of the two ponies at the very end.
I think you did a good job of illustrating a healthy relationship, but the engagement makes no sense at all. The moment he realizes he's attracted to somepony, he asks to marry them? Isn't that crazy presumptuous, especially when she's never shown a romantic interest in him?
Ultimately I think you have the compatibility element illustrated very well, but there's almost no romance except for the one-sided and somewhat selfish romantic desires by one of the two ponies at the very end.
>>Posh
I wholly agree with 1 part of this, and want to dispute another. The first - that there's a giant leap from 'Storefront' to 'Proposal', and that we really should have 'Actual romance/date' in between. The dispute is in there being no conflict. There is one, it's just internal instead of external. The conflict is Stoney struggling to realize what it is he wants in life; we have barriers here (Goldie moving away, them both being super busy, them working so much they are too blind to realizing what's in front of their noses), and emphasizing how those get in the way of realization will help show the existing conflict.
Otherwise? I smiled a lot. This was a cute love story, and my unique nitpick is that other than her work, it doesn't quite feel like Goldie is much more than a prize to be one. What are her quirks? Idiosyncrasies? So forth? Stoney may be the first to pop the question, but this is a two-way journey, and while she's not PoV, let us see what makes her fall for him, too. Right now we really only have 'They are super in-sync' as a thing.
I'm still rating this highly because it made me feel really good and happy by the end, and that wins big points from me.
I wholly agree with 1 part of this, and want to dispute another. The first - that there's a giant leap from 'Storefront' to 'Proposal', and that we really should have 'Actual romance/date' in between. The dispute is in there being no conflict. There is one, it's just internal instead of external. The conflict is Stoney struggling to realize what it is he wants in life; we have barriers here (Goldie moving away, them both being super busy, them working so much they are too blind to realizing what's in front of their noses), and emphasizing how those get in the way of realization will help show the existing conflict.
Otherwise? I smiled a lot. This was a cute love story, and my unique nitpick is that other than her work, it doesn't quite feel like Goldie is much more than a prize to be one. What are her quirks? Idiosyncrasies? So forth? Stoney may be the first to pop the question, but this is a two-way journey, and while she's not PoV, let us see what makes her fall for him, too. Right now we really only have 'They are super in-sync' as a thing.
I'm still rating this highly because it made me feel really good and happy by the end, and that wins big points from me.
By the time they're playing tag, I knew where this was headed and started to smile. When I found out what their special talents were, my heart did a little backflip. And no, it's not because I got a minor heart attack due to spending three days in a row sitting while I wrote my entry, why would you say that?
I am a sucker for romance, really. Give me a well-developed tale of love and I'll kneel in front of you begging for more.
What we have here... doesn't quite get there.
Ok, let me get this out of the way first. I liked this story quite a lot. I was really invested in finding out about the outcome of Stone Cutter and Golden Ring relationship, and I have to give credit where credit is due. You took us through the entire span of their relationship up until they get engaged.
However, that's also the problem. The story doesn't deal with the gradual development of mutual affection between two characters rather than giving us the Cliff's Notes of their relationship.
They met, were chidlhood friends, life took them on their separate ways, they reconnected, spent time together, they fell in love. Even that last part is debatable, seeing how we go from Stone figuring out that he has feelings for Golden to immediate proposal. These are not enough to paint a vivid picture of their love. What we have is good, I'll stand by that, but their story needed more of these moments.
Just as Morning Sun said, the little details about each character (and Golden, especially) are what make them feel real, seeing those small aspects of their personality play off of each other are what will make the reader believe that these two characters can work as a couple and should root for that outcome.
I feel like I got a good first taste of a full meal, it makes me want more, but it's not enough to satisfy me.
I am a sucker for romance, really. Give me a well-developed tale of love and I'll kneel in front of you begging for more.
What we have here... doesn't quite get there.
Ok, let me get this out of the way first. I liked this story quite a lot. I was really invested in finding out about the outcome of Stone Cutter and Golden Ring relationship, and I have to give credit where credit is due. You took us through the entire span of their relationship up until they get engaged.
However, that's also the problem. The story doesn't deal with the gradual development of mutual affection between two characters rather than giving us the Cliff's Notes of their relationship.
They met, were chidlhood friends, life took them on their separate ways, they reconnected, spent time together, they fell in love. Even that last part is debatable, seeing how we go from Stone figuring out that he has feelings for Golden to immediate proposal. These are not enough to paint a vivid picture of their love. What we have is good, I'll stand by that, but their story needed more of these moments.
Just as Morning Sun said, the little details about each character (and Golden, especially) are what make them feel real, seeing those small aspects of their personality play off of each other are what will make the reader believe that these two characters can work as a couple and should root for that outcome.
I feel like I got a good first taste of a full meal, it makes me want more, but it's not enough to satisfy me.
Genre: Romance written in the stars
Thoughts: It's taken me a while to figure out how I want to rank this, in part because the other comments point out legitimate things that the story could probably do better. But I feel like it does a really good job of delivering a cute romantic-type story regardless. I say "romantic-type" because there's clearly a lot of kismet, fate, or authorial will that keeps these two in each other's orbit, rather than a more traditional tale of two characters starting from attraction and seeing that blossom into romance. And yet it worked at being d'aww-inducing from start to finish, in part because it seemed like a lot of the point was to emphasize how destined for each other these two were, which I ended up buying hook line and sinker. So while the jump from attraction to proposal could have been lengthier or more realistic, I was willing to make the leap because the story persuaded me that they truly fit together like a diamond in a ringDO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE.
I think the biggest thing holding this back is the lack of conflict. We can see where it's probably going from the start, and none of the impediments it faces seem in any way insurmountable. The journey is enjoyable enough to help me overlook that, but still. Honestly, if this was mine, I would try to find a way to double-down on the theme of our heroes being destined for each other, and see if there's a way to wring some conflict out of that immovability of fate. (The ancient Greeks used to really groove on that stuff, so there's bound to be good working examples of how to do related things.)
Bonus points for a solid all-OC cast with fun names.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: It's taken me a while to figure out how I want to rank this, in part because the other comments point out legitimate things that the story could probably do better. But I feel like it does a really good job of delivering a cute romantic-type story regardless. I say "romantic-type" because there's clearly a lot of kismet, fate, or authorial will that keeps these two in each other's orbit, rather than a more traditional tale of two characters starting from attraction and seeing that blossom into romance. And yet it worked at being d'aww-inducing from start to finish, in part because it seemed like a lot of the point was to emphasize how destined for each other these two were, which I ended up buying hook line and sinker. So while the jump from attraction to proposal could have been lengthier or more realistic, I was willing to make the leap because the story persuaded me that they truly fit together like a diamond in a ring
I think the biggest thing holding this back is the lack of conflict. We can see where it's probably going from the start, and none of the impediments it faces seem in any way insurmountable. The journey is enjoyable enough to help me overlook that, but still. Honestly, if this was mine, I would try to find a way to double-down on the theme of our heroes being destined for each other, and see if there's a way to wring some conflict out of that immovability of fate. (The ancient Greeks used to really groove on that stuff, so there's bound to be good working examples of how to do related things.)
Bonus points for a solid all-OC cast with fun names.
Tier: Strong
As a matter of fact, business was doing well enough that they could probably afford to move into a larger storefront. It was doing well enough that they probably should move into a bigger storefront!
But while they discussed the idea occasionally, neither of them were really pushing for it. He just felt that they'd lose… something if they moved.
this right here would be a good point to write something going wrong in their lives. they gotta fall in love because they're important to each other, not because it'd be kinda-sorta convenient.
>>Haze
I think the clear implication here is that the stallion still doesn't realize he's attracted to the mare, but he knows he likes working in close quarters with her (just not why). It isn't referring to the convenience of their working relationship.
I think the clear implication here is that the stallion still doesn't realize he's attracted to the mare, but he knows he likes working in close quarters with her (just not why). It isn't referring to the convenience of their working relationship.
>>Trick_Question
I know that. I say "convenience" in that there's nothing stopping him, no pressure. Business is doing great and she's not planning on going anywhere.
Destiny brought them together, but THIS should be the big important moment that makes him understand his feelings. As it is, it seems like his emotions are controlled by destiny too, he just suddenly realizes for no reason. Too convenient, not exciting to read.
I know that. I say "convenience" in that there's nothing stopping him, no pressure. Business is doing great and she's not planning on going anywhere.
Destiny brought them together, but THIS should be the big important moment that makes him understand his feelings. As it is, it seems like his emotions are controlled by destiny too, he just suddenly realizes for no reason. Too convenient, not exciting to read.
The beginning with the babies was adorable enough to get my attention. Still, as others noted, there isn't really any conflict in here that would make things interesting. Almost the entire story is just waiting for when will the guy finally realize he loves the girl; and once he does... the story ends almost right away.
This is another entry which, similarly to "My Castle Is Your Castle", feels like a promising prologue to some longer narrative, rather than a story which could stand on its own.
This is another entry which, similarly to "My Castle Is Your Castle", feels like a promising prologue to some longer narrative, rather than a story which could stand on its own.
Cute and fluffy.
The most immediate issue I have is that the narrative voice is unsteady. This is REALLY evident in the first scene, where I just don't buy the Free Indirect Speech. To pull a decent example sentence...
I don't think you can get away with the word indecision right next to Mommy. So yeah, you need to commit. Either narrate through the character's lens or narrate through the narrator's lens.
Otherwise, while it is a cute story, it is also an inevitable story. The basic shape is obvious after a scene or three, and there doesn't end up being any tension or drama. This is not to say conflict-less slice of life is inherently bad, but I feel these factors add together in such a way that the result is a little dull. They're gonna get together, and that's it.
All told, this is a story that really feels like it needs... more to shine. Some sort of conflict, or much more distinct characters (our two leads aren't really interesting, unfortunately), or something.
That said, it is cute and it is reasonably well realized. I think it just needs some shine, as it were.
The most immediate issue I have is that the narrative voice is unsteady. This is REALLY evident in the first scene, where I just don't buy the Free Indirect Speech. To pull a decent example sentence...
His indecision was eased when Mommy turned around and sat down on a bench next to some other Not-Mommy mare and smiled at him. Mommy was close, and that made everything okay!
I don't think you can get away with the word indecision right next to Mommy. So yeah, you need to commit. Either narrate through the character's lens or narrate through the narrator's lens.
Otherwise, while it is a cute story, it is also an inevitable story. The basic shape is obvious after a scene or three, and there doesn't end up being any tension or drama. This is not to say conflict-less slice of life is inherently bad, but I feel these factors add together in such a way that the result is a little dull. They're gonna get together, and that's it.
All told, this is a story that really feels like it needs... more to shine. Some sort of conflict, or much more distinct characters (our two leads aren't really interesting, unfortunately), or something.
That said, it is cute and it is reasonably well realized. I think it just needs some shine, as it were.
Wow, I am HORRIBLE at replying to comments and doing retrospectives, aren't I? Still, better late than never, right?
Regardless, I am, obviously, the soul responsible for the mess that is Connections. I'm rather surprised by just how many comments this entry has garnered; far more than any of my other stories. Though that's likely because it has so very many issues to be commented on.
I freely admit that this is far from my best work. In my defense, I wrote this between 5:00 pm and 1:00 am Sunday evening. I had been too busy with New Years related activities to write until then, but I really didn't want to miss the first Write Off of the new year, especially when I'm likely to be indisposed for the next two... So I desperately churned out this little 'gem' so I'd at least have something to enter. I was practically nodding off when I finally hit 'submit.'
I originally planned to have the story be quite a bit longer... Just a bunch of little slices of time.. The proposal. The marriage. Having children. The children growing up. Grandchildren. Etc. It was going to end with two old ponies sitting on a park bench enjoying a sunny day when someone else walks by (Perhaps Candance, perhaps another of the Mane 6) and makes a comment about them obviously still being very much in love, and asking if that love line had always been there.
Obviously I ran out of energy well before that, and more or less made do with what I had before I fell asleep. ;>
So, thank you to everyone who took the time and energy to comment on this mess. I really do appreciate it. I'd claim that I'll do better next time, but... Next time is tomorrow, and I may have as much as three whole hours to write a minific... So, if I manage to get anything written, it's likely to be just as bad or worse than this one... So... Apologies in advance! ;>
Regardless, I am, obviously, the soul responsible for the mess that is Connections. I'm rather surprised by just how many comments this entry has garnered; far more than any of my other stories. Though that's likely because it has so very many issues to be commented on.
I freely admit that this is far from my best work. In my defense, I wrote this between 5:00 pm and 1:00 am Sunday evening. I had been too busy with New Years related activities to write until then, but I really didn't want to miss the first Write Off of the new year, especially when I'm likely to be indisposed for the next two... So I desperately churned out this little 'gem' so I'd at least have something to enter. I was practically nodding off when I finally hit 'submit.'
I originally planned to have the story be quite a bit longer... Just a bunch of little slices of time.. The proposal. The marriage. Having children. The children growing up. Grandchildren. Etc. It was going to end with two old ponies sitting on a park bench enjoying a sunny day when someone else walks by (Perhaps Candance, perhaps another of the Mane 6) and makes a comment about them obviously still being very much in love, and asking if that love line had always been there.
Obviously I ran out of energy well before that, and more or less made do with what I had before I fell asleep. ;>
So, thank you to everyone who took the time and energy to comment on this mess. I really do appreciate it. I'd claim that I'll do better next time, but... Next time is tomorrow, and I may have as much as three whole hours to write a minific... So, if I manage to get anything written, it's likely to be just as bad or worse than this one... So... Apologies in advance! ;>