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Story Submission Closes in an Hour and I Can't Think of a Title
Twilight had been having a nice morning when the letter came. She and Spike were
in the kitchens, working their way through a heaping stack of pancakes, when
Spike belched loudly.
"Spike!—" she began to admonish, when he belched again, this time emitting a
flare of green fire. A letter materialized in the air, floating down toward the
table, only to be snatched up by Twilight.
She looked at the familiar seal. "A letter from Celestia? But she just sent one
last night. And in the middle of breakfast—" She tore the letter open and read:
Twilight panicked. Spike, while concerned, was used to this sort of thing by now
and simply waited for her to stop to breathe to interrupt.
"Twilight, calm down," placing a claw on her shoulder. "Celestia said she's
taking care of...whatever the problem is," he said as she took a series of slow
deep breaths.
"Thanks Spike," she sat back down," you're right. I just wish she had given more
details about what's happening.
"Well," Spike said, "I don't hear any rampaging monsters or mobs at the doors,
so it can't be too bad, right?"
"I guess...yet. In any case we should probably round up the girls." They walked
out of the kitchen.
"I call dibs on getting Rarity!" Spike shouted as he padded along.
"Of course you do." Twilight said, ruffling his spines with a hand.
"—and so that's basically all we know right now. Have any of you noticed
anything out of the ordinary?" Twilight put the letter down on the map.
"Ooh, ooh, I know," said Pinkie, raising her hand.
Rainbow Dash spoke over her: "Nothing going on in the sky, Twi'. I mean, I guess
there's a couple of nasty looking thunderclouds off in the distance, but they're
all over the Everfree, so it's probably just doin' its thing."
"Ooh—"
"Everything's fine on the farm. Nothin' botherin' the trees or the ground."
"I, for one, have not heard any talk around town; if something were going on in
Ponyville, there would be gossip."
"It's not even ten, how much talk could have gotten around?" Spike said.
"Oh you would be amazed." Rarity said.
"Ooh—"
"The animals are all calm."
"And I haven't felt any magical disturbances," Starlight said, "from the sound
of it, you haven't either."
"Everypony!" Pinkie yelled. They all looked at her. "Hasn't anypony noticed that
we all have hands!?" She waved hers in the air.
"Uhh, yes. What about them?" Twilight, like the rest of them was instinctively
looking at her hands.
"Doesn't that freak you out?" Pinkie said," suddenly having hands?"
Seven faces stared at her in disbelief. "I don't know about the rest of y'all,
but I reckon I've always had hands." Applejack said.
"Yep," Rainbow Dash agreed.
"Umm, I think so?"
A terrible suspicion was beginning to grow in Twilight's mind. "Pinkie, what do
you mean 'suddenly having hands'?"
"Well what if, there were, like, ponies who were just like us, but they had two
set of hooves instead of just one?"
Everypony groaned. "That's it. We're going to Canterlot. Pack your bags
everypony. We'll meet at the train station for the 11:30." Twilight said and
walked off to pack. The rest followed suit.
Rarity considered the open saddlebags in front of her. It only occurred to her
now that Twilight hadn't mentioned how long they would be in Canterlot. Or why
all of them needed to come, for that matter. Still, a short visit could hardly
hurt, and she could check in on Sassy. So some businesswear would be good. The
articles floated into the bags. And if they went out to eat somewhere she would
need a dress. But suppose Twilight got them dinner with the princess? No
ordinary dress would do for that...
Rarity was sitting on the lid of a large chest, trying to force it closed, when
she heard the doorbell chime from downstairs.
"Just a moment!" She called. She felt the chest bulge up under her as she
shifted to get off, so floated a chair over to replace her on top of it. She
decided to save a trip and brought some of the smaller bags down with her.
She found Lyra waiting for her downstairs.
"Ah, Miss Heartstrings, what can I do for you?"
Lyra noticed the bags on her back. "Oh, are you closing? I don't want to
bother—"
"Not at all, darling."
"Good, then I was just wondering if that dress I ordered was ready yet?"
"Of course!" Rarity wheeled over a long rack of dresses. A question came to her
as she was searching. "Just out of curiosity, have you noticed anything unusual
lately? About your hands?"
"My hands?" Lyra wiggled her fingers. "No, not particularly. Why do you ask?"
"Oh, no reason. Just a whim. Now, let's see here is your dress!" She
levitated it off the rack and over to Lyra. On the way it was met by a large
sheet of brown wrapping paper and string, so that by the time it arrived it was
a neat little package. "There you are."
"Thank you so much!" Lyra took the package and walked out.
"Miss Heartstrings, wait!" Rarity said just as she reached the door, holding a
box, "you forgot your, ah," she looked at the box, "shoes."
Lyra blushed. "Heh heh, thank you." She squeaked, and ducked out the door.
Rarity, not knowing what to make of it just stared for a moment out the door,
and went to resume her packing.
Twilight was the first one off the train. Everypony else had to grab onto their
seats to avoid being pulled along as she shot off at speeds normally reserved
for Pinkie Pie.
The city bustled around them as they followed her path to the palace Rarity,
ever the socialite, kept a keen ear out for any juicy gossip. It seemed that few
had noticed Twilight's rush through the city. She relaxed a little, but shook
her head slightly. Twilight had to learn that a princess couldn't just do
whatever she wanted without attracting attention. The sight of her in a panic
like that could easily have sent the whole city into an uproar.
Why, even somepony like her, merely connected to a princess, could probably
cause quite the stir if they were not careful.
She was snapped out of her reverie by Applejack grabbing her tail. "Whoa there.
Where are you going?"
Rarity realized her hooves had been leading her automatically toward her
boutique. "Sorry, just distracted.
They arrived at the palace without any further incident, save for when, in the
main hall, Pinkie tried to get directions by tackling a guard and asking him
where the princesses were. A short trip to the dungeons and many apologies later
they arrived at the royal library.
Rainbow had to land to avoid the many streams of books floating through the air.
Twilight and Luna were in the center, a thick tome between them, and surrounded
by stacks of thicker books.
Applejack took the lead. "So, have either of you figured out what had Celestia
all in a fuss?"
Luna turned from the books and replied. She explained that Celestia had been
shocked on seeing Luna and the servants that morning. She beleived that they had
all been transfigured into new forms. And, judging by her reaction, grotesque
ones.
"Now, all this is quite concerning," Luna said, "because there are several
explanations, none of them good.
"First of all, is the possibility that Celestia was entirely correct and we have
all been transformed. Now, I do not see any change in my own body, and judging
by the lack of alarm—my sister aside—nopony else perceives such a change. To not
only change everypony in Equestria, but to also alter their memories to hide
that change would require unbelievably powerful magic. Neither Twilight nor I
have sensed any spells of that magnitude. In addition I cannot conceive of any
motivation for doing such a thing."
Rainbow Dash butted in. "Could Discord have done it? He'd totally do a prank
like that."
"Rainbow!" Fluttershy hissed, "Discord is reformed now. He wouldn't do this to
me."
"Fluttershy's right," Twilight said, "and even at his worst, he would have done
it to make everypony freak out: he wouldn't change ponies and keep them
from noticing."
"Whatever the case may be," Luna resumed, "we are diligently searching for
things we may have missed. Because there is another possibility.
"As I see it, either we have some hitherto unknown enemy, more powerful than any
we have faced—and I sincerely hope that this is the case—or Celestia has gone
mad." Luna's expression was grim now. "I will need your help, whatever happens."
A low rumble sounded through the building. Everypony rose and looked out the
windows. A huge dark cloud loomed over the city. Flashes of light strobed deep
within it, punctuated with long rolling thunder, like the laughter of some mad
god.
Which is what it turned out to be. A intense flash sent something flying out of
the cloud, trailing smoke. As it came closer, it resolved itself into Discord,
contorted in laughter even as he flew head on into the window.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?" Luna bellowed with the full
force of the Royal Canterlot Voice. Discord feebly attempted to hold up a talon
through his fit of laughter, tears streaming from his eyes.
"Discord! What did you do!" Fluttershy yelled.
Something else was coming from the cloud now. It looked mcuh like Celestia, only
her eyes were hard with rage, and her mane was like billowing flames. A wave of
heat radiated from her as she landed. But she touched down on all fours, and
walked towards Discord like that, and they could see that she indeed had been
changed; she had no choice but to walk like that because she did not have arms
and hands, but two front legs with hooves.
Twilight gasped, "Princess! What happened to you?"
Celestia flinched at that. The fire in her eyes dimmed a little. "Twilight, I am
sorry you have to see me like this, but I cannot let him go after what he has
done to you all."
"But he hasn't done anything to us!" Twilight protested, "the only one different
is you." Confusion took over Celestia's face. Twilight's eyes went wide. They
all stood silently as the realization swept through them, save for Discord who
was still laughing hysterically.
He finally managed to compose himself enough to speak, though only just. "Y-you
sh-should see the look on your faces! I switched you with the Celestia from a
different dimension!" he wheezed, and snapped a claw.
Beside them a second Discord and Celestia appeared. This Celestia looked like
theirs, she stood on two hooves and had long white arms. She looked around,
bewildered.
Rainbow was the first to join Discord in laughing. "I told you! I told you guys
it was a prank!" She laughed until she couldn't fly any more and just rolled
around on the ground.
The two Discords high-fived.
Both Celestias glared at them. The Celestia with four hooves spoke: "I thought
you were above things now."
"Oh relax," both Discords said in unison, "nopony got hurt, and you two are just
priceless.
The Celestias tried to scowl, but their features were much softer, now that
everything had been revealed. "You two are lucky nothing drastic happened. I'll
be keeping a close eye on you, from now on," each one said to her respective
Discord.
Meanwhile, Twilight was trying to rein in Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, who had
also erupted into a fit of giggles. "It's not funny! Celestia was seriously
worried."
Both Celestias looked tired now. "Please," one said, "just put everypony back
where they were."
The laughing now mostly subsided, one of the Discords grinned at the other.
"Oh, fine. Looks like I have to take Princess Killjoy back home." He snapped and
a hole appeared in the air that pulled him and his Celestia in.
As he spiraled in, the other Discord called "see you soon!"
All three Princesses present yelled out "NO!"
Princess Celestia sat for a long time with her face in her hands. At last she
stood, and said "By royal decree, nopony is ever to speak of this again." And
she walked off to her chambers.
in the kitchens, working their way through a heaping stack of pancakes, when
Spike belched loudly.
"Spike!—" she began to admonish, when he belched again, this time emitting a
flare of green fire. A letter materialized in the air, floating down toward the
table, only to be snatched up by Twilight.
She looked at the familiar seal. "A letter from Celestia? But she just sent one
last night. And in the middle of breakfast—" She tore the letter open and read:
Dear Princess Twilight,
Don't panic. I have the situation under control. I just need you to help keep
ponies calm until everything is back to normal.
Yours,
Princess Celestia.
Twilight panicked. Spike, while concerned, was used to this sort of thing by now
and simply waited for her to stop to breathe to interrupt.
"Twilight, calm down," placing a claw on her shoulder. "Celestia said she's
taking care of...whatever the problem is," he said as she took a series of slow
deep breaths.
"Thanks Spike," she sat back down," you're right. I just wish she had given more
details about what's happening.
"Well," Spike said, "I don't hear any rampaging monsters or mobs at the doors,
so it can't be too bad, right?"
"I guess...yet. In any case we should probably round up the girls." They walked
out of the kitchen.
"I call dibs on getting Rarity!" Spike shouted as he padded along.
"Of course you do." Twilight said, ruffling his spines with a hand.
"—and so that's basically all we know right now. Have any of you noticed
anything out of the ordinary?" Twilight put the letter down on the map.
"Ooh, ooh, I know," said Pinkie, raising her hand.
Rainbow Dash spoke over her: "Nothing going on in the sky, Twi'. I mean, I guess
there's a couple of nasty looking thunderclouds off in the distance, but they're
all over the Everfree, so it's probably just doin' its thing."
"Ooh—"
"Everything's fine on the farm. Nothin' botherin' the trees or the ground."
"I, for one, have not heard any talk around town; if something were going on in
Ponyville, there would be gossip."
"It's not even ten, how much talk could have gotten around?" Spike said.
"Oh you would be amazed." Rarity said.
"Ooh—"
"The animals are all calm."
"And I haven't felt any magical disturbances," Starlight said, "from the sound
of it, you haven't either."
"Everypony!" Pinkie yelled. They all looked at her. "Hasn't anypony noticed that
we all have hands!?" She waved hers in the air.
"Uhh, yes. What about them?" Twilight, like the rest of them was instinctively
looking at her hands.
"Doesn't that freak you out?" Pinkie said," suddenly having hands?"
Seven faces stared at her in disbelief. "I don't know about the rest of y'all,
but I reckon I've always had hands." Applejack said.
"Yep," Rainbow Dash agreed.
"Umm, I think so?"
A terrible suspicion was beginning to grow in Twilight's mind. "Pinkie, what do
you mean 'suddenly having hands'?"
"Well what if, there were, like, ponies who were just like us, but they had two
set of hooves instead of just one?"
Everypony groaned. "That's it. We're going to Canterlot. Pack your bags
everypony. We'll meet at the train station for the 11:30." Twilight said and
walked off to pack. The rest followed suit.
Rarity considered the open saddlebags in front of her. It only occurred to her
now that Twilight hadn't mentioned how long they would be in Canterlot. Or why
all of them needed to come, for that matter. Still, a short visit could hardly
hurt, and she could check in on Sassy. So some businesswear would be good. The
articles floated into the bags. And if they went out to eat somewhere she would
need a dress. But suppose Twilight got them dinner with the princess? No
ordinary dress would do for that...
Rarity was sitting on the lid of a large chest, trying to force it closed, when
she heard the doorbell chime from downstairs.
"Just a moment!" She called. She felt the chest bulge up under her as she
shifted to get off, so floated a chair over to replace her on top of it. She
decided to save a trip and brought some of the smaller bags down with her.
She found Lyra waiting for her downstairs.
"Ah, Miss Heartstrings, what can I do for you?"
Lyra noticed the bags on her back. "Oh, are you closing? I don't want to
bother—"
"Not at all, darling."
"Good, then I was just wondering if that dress I ordered was ready yet?"
"Of course!" Rarity wheeled over a long rack of dresses. A question came to her
as she was searching. "Just out of curiosity, have you noticed anything unusual
lately? About your hands?"
"My hands?" Lyra wiggled her fingers. "No, not particularly. Why do you ask?"
"Oh, no reason. Just a whim. Now, let's see here is your dress!" She
levitated it off the rack and over to Lyra. On the way it was met by a large
sheet of brown wrapping paper and string, so that by the time it arrived it was
a neat little package. "There you are."
"Thank you so much!" Lyra took the package and walked out.
"Miss Heartstrings, wait!" Rarity said just as she reached the door, holding a
box, "you forgot your, ah," she looked at the box, "shoes."
Lyra blushed. "Heh heh, thank you." She squeaked, and ducked out the door.
Rarity, not knowing what to make of it just stared for a moment out the door,
and went to resume her packing.
Twilight was the first one off the train. Everypony else had to grab onto their
seats to avoid being pulled along as she shot off at speeds normally reserved
for Pinkie Pie.
The city bustled around them as they followed her path to the palace Rarity,
ever the socialite, kept a keen ear out for any juicy gossip. It seemed that few
had noticed Twilight's rush through the city. She relaxed a little, but shook
her head slightly. Twilight had to learn that a princess couldn't just do
whatever she wanted without attracting attention. The sight of her in a panic
like that could easily have sent the whole city into an uproar.
Why, even somepony like her, merely connected to a princess, could probably
cause quite the stir if they were not careful.
She was snapped out of her reverie by Applejack grabbing her tail. "Whoa there.
Where are you going?"
Rarity realized her hooves had been leading her automatically toward her
boutique. "Sorry, just distracted.
They arrived at the palace without any further incident, save for when, in the
main hall, Pinkie tried to get directions by tackling a guard and asking him
where the princesses were. A short trip to the dungeons and many apologies later
they arrived at the royal library.
Rainbow had to land to avoid the many streams of books floating through the air.
Twilight and Luna were in the center, a thick tome between them, and surrounded
by stacks of thicker books.
Applejack took the lead. "So, have either of you figured out what had Celestia
all in a fuss?"
Luna turned from the books and replied. She explained that Celestia had been
shocked on seeing Luna and the servants that morning. She beleived that they had
all been transfigured into new forms. And, judging by her reaction, grotesque
ones.
"Now, all this is quite concerning," Luna said, "because there are several
explanations, none of them good.
"First of all, is the possibility that Celestia was entirely correct and we have
all been transformed. Now, I do not see any change in my own body, and judging
by the lack of alarm—my sister aside—nopony else perceives such a change. To not
only change everypony in Equestria, but to also alter their memories to hide
that change would require unbelievably powerful magic. Neither Twilight nor I
have sensed any spells of that magnitude. In addition I cannot conceive of any
motivation for doing such a thing."
Rainbow Dash butted in. "Could Discord have done it? He'd totally do a prank
like that."
"Rainbow!" Fluttershy hissed, "Discord is reformed now. He wouldn't do this to
me."
"Fluttershy's right," Twilight said, "and even at his worst, he would have done
it to make everypony freak out: he wouldn't change ponies and keep them
from noticing."
"Whatever the case may be," Luna resumed, "we are diligently searching for
things we may have missed. Because there is another possibility.
"As I see it, either we have some hitherto unknown enemy, more powerful than any
we have faced—and I sincerely hope that this is the case—or Celestia has gone
mad." Luna's expression was grim now. "I will need your help, whatever happens."
A low rumble sounded through the building. Everypony rose and looked out the
windows. A huge dark cloud loomed over the city. Flashes of light strobed deep
within it, punctuated with long rolling thunder, like the laughter of some mad
god.
Which is what it turned out to be. A intense flash sent something flying out of
the cloud, trailing smoke. As it came closer, it resolved itself into Discord,
contorted in laughter even as he flew head on into the window.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?" Luna bellowed with the full
force of the Royal Canterlot Voice. Discord feebly attempted to hold up a talon
through his fit of laughter, tears streaming from his eyes.
"Discord! What did you do!" Fluttershy yelled.
Something else was coming from the cloud now. It looked mcuh like Celestia, only
her eyes were hard with rage, and her mane was like billowing flames. A wave of
heat radiated from her as she landed. But she touched down on all fours, and
walked towards Discord like that, and they could see that she indeed had been
changed; she had no choice but to walk like that because she did not have arms
and hands, but two front legs with hooves.
Twilight gasped, "Princess! What happened to you?"
Celestia flinched at that. The fire in her eyes dimmed a little. "Twilight, I am
sorry you have to see me like this, but I cannot let him go after what he has
done to you all."
"But he hasn't done anything to us!" Twilight protested, "the only one different
is you." Confusion took over Celestia's face. Twilight's eyes went wide. They
all stood silently as the realization swept through them, save for Discord who
was still laughing hysterically.
He finally managed to compose himself enough to speak, though only just. "Y-you
sh-should see the look on your faces! I switched you with the Celestia from a
different dimension!" he wheezed, and snapped a claw.
Beside them a second Discord and Celestia appeared. This Celestia looked like
theirs, she stood on two hooves and had long white arms. She looked around,
bewildered.
Rainbow was the first to join Discord in laughing. "I told you! I told you guys
it was a prank!" She laughed until she couldn't fly any more and just rolled
around on the ground.
The two Discords high-fived.
Both Celestias glared at them. The Celestia with four hooves spoke: "I thought
you were above things now."
"Oh relax," both Discords said in unison, "nopony got hurt, and you two are just
priceless.
The Celestias tried to scowl, but their features were much softer, now that
everything had been revealed. "You two are lucky nothing drastic happened. I'll
be keeping a close eye on you, from now on," each one said to her respective
Discord.
Meanwhile, Twilight was trying to rein in Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, who had
also erupted into a fit of giggles. "It's not funny! Celestia was seriously
worried."
Both Celestias looked tired now. "Please," one said, "just put everypony back
where they were."
The laughing now mostly subsided, one of the Discords grinned at the other.
"Oh, fine. Looks like I have to take Princess Killjoy back home." He snapped and
a hole appeared in the air that pulled him and his Celestia in.
As he spiraled in, the other Discord called "see you soon!"
All three Princesses present yelled out "NO!"
Princess Celestia sat for a long time with her face in her hands. At last she
stood, and said "By royal decree, nopony is ever to speak of this again." And
she walked off to her chambers.
(According to random.org, this fic is where I start reviewing!)
I'll comment on the story and the writing separately, since there are things that can be improved in both cases.
First, the writing. I assume the title is correct because this story could use some editing, so maybe being really picky here won't help you much. I think you could benefit from focusing on show-don't-tell, although you clearly understand the concept because in much of the story you do it very well! But there are several places you didn't do it well. One example from the beginning:
Don't tell us that. Show us. Maybe something like, "Twilight began pacing rapidly in circles, and one of her eyes started to twitch." It's cheating to tell the audience Twilight panicked. Your job as an author is to trick the reader into thinking that Twilight is panicking without actually saying it—and this is very hard to do! But it's also critical for good writing.
Here's probably the worst one (sic):
Not only are you not showing us Celestia being shocked (which can be okay if the story's short and the scene unimportant), you're not even showing us what Luna says when she gives the exposition. I have to assume this is time-related, but try to keep it in mind. When you have time to edit, it's very useful to go back through your work and ask, am I being too telly here? Is there too much exposition?
Something related to both the story, and showing: I was very confused by the premise because you never show us precisely what the new forms look like. Consequently, I assumed that everything was identical except the ponies had hands instead of forehooves (they were still on all fours), and I didn't understand why that wasn't extremely uncomfortable. It's easy in a case like this to assume the reader knows what you're thinking, but here you need to be more explicit.
Now for story-specific things.
In general, I had a hard time differentiating between what was supposed to be drama and what was supposed to be comedy. I suspect you wanted this to seem comedic, and if that's the case, I'd dial it up a notch (not everywhere, but in the places where exaggeration prevails).
I think the premise was interesting, although as I mentioned I was confused by what you meant by the change. I can't see Celestia making the assumption that Twilight would have noticed the same thing, so the current setup wasn't believable in retrospect. As the author, you should be able to write (in your head) Celestia's morning even if you don't show us, so you know it makes sense. (That said, you really should show us!)
Twilight running away from her friends seemed out of character to me. At least she could have mentioned to them that she'd meet them at the castle before galloping away.
The concept behind the ending was good, but the ending itself was a deus ex that didn't work for me. If you want somepony like you-know-who to be responsible for what happened, you need to drop hints along the way. Otherwise, the reader will feel cheated for not having any clue what was going on, and the ending feels tacked-on as a result. Maybe the cause could be something else, and Twilight or Luna could actually figure out what the problem is?
In the end, your premise is neat and I think this story can be reworked into something great. But it still needs a lot of work before it can shine. :twilightsmile:
I'll comment on the story and the writing separately, since there are things that can be improved in both cases.
First, the writing. I assume the title is correct because this story could use some editing, so maybe being really picky here won't help you much. I think you could benefit from focusing on show-don't-tell, although you clearly understand the concept because in much of the story you do it very well! But there are several places you didn't do it well. One example from the beginning:
Twilight panicked.
Don't tell us that. Show us. Maybe something like, "Twilight began pacing rapidly in circles, and one of her eyes started to twitch." It's cheating to tell the audience Twilight panicked. Your job as an author is to trick the reader into thinking that Twilight is panicking without actually saying it—and this is very hard to do! But it's also critical for good writing.
Here's probably the worst one (sic):
Luna turned from the books and replied. She explained that Celestia had been shocked on seeing Luna and the servants that morning. She beleived that they had all been transfigured into new forms. And, judging by her reaction, grotesque ones.
Not only are you not showing us Celestia being shocked (which can be okay if the story's short and the scene unimportant), you're not even showing us what Luna says when she gives the exposition. I have to assume this is time-related, but try to keep it in mind. When you have time to edit, it's very useful to go back through your work and ask, am I being too telly here? Is there too much exposition?
Something related to both the story, and showing: I was very confused by the premise because you never show us precisely what the new forms look like. Consequently, I assumed that everything was identical except the ponies had hands instead of forehooves (they were still on all fours), and I didn't understand why that wasn't extremely uncomfortable. It's easy in a case like this to assume the reader knows what you're thinking, but here you need to be more explicit.
Now for story-specific things.
In general, I had a hard time differentiating between what was supposed to be drama and what was supposed to be comedy. I suspect you wanted this to seem comedic, and if that's the case, I'd dial it up a notch (not everywhere, but in the places where exaggeration prevails).
I think the premise was interesting, although as I mentioned I was confused by what you meant by the change. I can't see Celestia making the assumption that Twilight would have noticed the same thing, so the current setup wasn't believable in retrospect. As the author, you should be able to write (in your head) Celestia's morning even if you don't show us, so you know it makes sense. (That said, you really should show us!)
Twilight running away from her friends seemed out of character to me. At least she could have mentioned to them that she'd meet them at the castle before galloping away.
The concept behind the ending was good, but the ending itself was a deus ex that didn't work for me. If you want somepony like you-know-who to be responsible for what happened, you need to drop hints along the way. Otherwise, the reader will feel cheated for not having any clue what was going on, and the ending feels tacked-on as a result. Maybe the cause could be something else, and Twilight or Luna could actually figure out what the problem is?
In the end, your premise is neat and I think this story can be reworked into something great. But it still needs a lot of work before it can shine. :twilightsmile:
The entire scene with Lyra felt pointless, more like padding the word-count than anything else.
I find it hard to believe the ending. Celestia is clearly familiar with the existence of alternate dimensions, seeing as she doesn't express surprise or interest when Discord provides his explanation. And if you take EQG or the comics in account, she's very familiar with the concept of dimensions inhabited by different versions of Equestria's inhabitants, including bipedal ones. So why does she spend the entire day assuming that everypony's been transformed, as opposed to the Occam's Razor assumption that she's in a different universe?
I find it hard to believe the ending. Celestia is clearly familiar with the existence of alternate dimensions, seeing as she doesn't express surprise or interest when Discord provides his explanation. And if you take EQG or the comics in account, she's very familiar with the concept of dimensions inhabited by different versions of Equestria's inhabitants, including bipedal ones. So why does she spend the entire day assuming that everypony's been transformed, as opposed to the Occam's Razor assumption that she's in a different universe?
At first glance I thought this may be poetry, what with the short lines and all. Then I realised it was prose, so you may want to get around fixing that.
Other than that... well... This isn't so balls-to-the-wall insane as to call it a crackfic, but it certainly has some threads of absurdism woven into it.
I can't say that type of comedy is my cup of tea, so I won't give any comments on that regard. However, I'll try to give my opinion about the story itself. It does feel like a joke that got stretched to meet the minimum wordcount. (Which seeing how it is 2098 words long, seems to be the case).
The Lyra and shoes bit, as well as several little lines interspersed throughout the narrative that serve little purpose. Just to give an example:
Yes, we know Rarity likes her gossip. That much is mentioned early in the story, but why bring it up? Just to say that the ponies of Canterlot noticed Twilight panicking? We already knew Celestia's letter send her into a worrying frenzy, what else are we getting from this line, or that whole paragraph? It's not as if her gossiping plays into the story later, it's not meaningful to the plot.
Things like this are endemic through the story, and make me not take it seriously even if it was supposed to be a light-hearted romp.
Other than that... well... This isn't so balls-to-the-wall insane as to call it a crackfic, but it certainly has some threads of absurdism woven into it.
I can't say that type of comedy is my cup of tea, so I won't give any comments on that regard. However, I'll try to give my opinion about the story itself. It does feel like a joke that got stretched to meet the minimum wordcount. (Which seeing how it is 2098 words long, seems to be the case).
The Lyra and shoes bit, as well as several little lines interspersed throughout the narrative that serve little purpose. Just to give an example:
Rarity, ever the socialite, kept a keen ear out for any juicy gossip.
Yes, we know Rarity likes her gossip. That much is mentioned early in the story, but why bring it up? Just to say that the ponies of Canterlot noticed Twilight panicking? We already knew Celestia's letter send her into a worrying frenzy, what else are we getting from this line, or that whole paragraph? It's not as if her gossiping plays into the story later, it's not meaningful to the plot.
Things like this are endemic through the story, and make me not take it seriously even if it was supposed to be a light-hearted romp.
Why are the human characters using pony terminology?
>>JudgeDeadd
I don't think it's terribly unbelievable. While it's an obvious explanation, it's orthogonal to the question, "How did this spell get cast?" which Celestia spent all her efforts in answering. She got trapped down the rabbit hole of the wrong solution space.
At the very least, I didn't predict the explanation.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
The author wrapped the lines to 80 characters. I only noticed half way through, but as soon as I did it became pretty distracting.
>>JudgeDeadd
I don't think it's terribly unbelievable. While it's an obvious explanation, it's orthogonal to the question, "How did this spell get cast?" which Celestia spent all her efforts in answering. She got trapped down the rabbit hole of the wrong solution space.
At the very least, I didn't predict the explanation.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
The author wrapped the lines to 80 characters. I only noticed half way through, but as soon as I did it became pretty distracting.
This is something of a shaggy dog, but a short one and a pleasant one for me. I agree it's rather Tell-Ey, but I didn't grow bored - which is a major plus from me. Definite room for improvement, but speculation (based on the title) is this was like what I often do : Have my initial ideas not quite work, say 'Screw it' and write what comes out, and accept the results, as it were!
"Oh, fine. Looks like I have to take Princess Killjoy back home."
Brevet Captain, actually, but who's keeping track? Besides me, of course.
>>Trick_Question and >>JudgeDeadd have already said my piece for me (thanks for that; it saves me a lot of time). All I can do is agree with them. Hate to say it, author, but... a title really isn't the biggest thing this story's in need of. Still gets an 8/10 though.
>>Feris
Why are the human characters using pony terminology?
What, like "hoof" and stuff? They're anthros, not humans. Or so I assumed.
That would be something to make more explicit at the beginning, author. At the very least, juxtapose "hand" and "hoof" and, like, mention Twilight's tufty, pointy ears, or have her whinny into her hand, or something.
Discord pulls an inter-dimensional prank?
Little to say for this one. Clearly rushed, even without the title suggesting so, with numerous, scattered copy errors; poorly suited to the short story format (i.e., word count) ; heavy exaggeration of characters.
TAILS (sum of 20 points)
Technical (Correctness) : 3
Abstract (Clarity) : 6
Impact (Consequence) : 2
Language (Congruence) : 4
Structure (Composition) : 5
Gestalt (Considered) : Poor
Little to say for this one. Clearly rushed, even without the title suggesting so, with numerous, scattered copy errors; poorly suited to the short story format (i.e., word count) ; heavy exaggeration of characters.
TAILS (sum of 20 points)
Technical (Correctness) : 3
Abstract (Clarity) : 6
Impact (Consequence) : 2
Language (Congruence) : 4
Structure (Composition) : 5
Gestalt (Considered) : Poor