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Thank you to these awesome peoples for the feedbacks: >>Haze >>Not_A_Hat >>Baal Bunny >>Feris >>JudgeDeadd >>Zaid Val'Roa >>Posh >>Morning Sun >>BlazzingInferno
Yep yep, this was a children's story intended for children; specifically for my oldest. A couple months ago, Oldest learned about Coelacanths--"the living fossil"--and asked me to write a story about them. I agreed, but I blanked on what exactly I should write. I wanted to make good on my promise but I couldn't think of a story. I'd actually realized Petunia Paleo offered a way to write a story about them in Equestria before Petunia's giant coprolite story dropped (ha, ha), but seeing that story get so big (ha, ha) gave me confidence that her character could win an audience. I mean, it's stupid to think that she couldn't; any character can if written well. But I dunno.
The rest of it was just working out the structure. It's funny how so many people went with the overall structure, even if half the story could be gutted and replaced with different encounters with different ponies. I'm amazed the Deus Ex Machina managed to come off as well as it did, too. Because to provide some background... I had very little time to write this, and basically zero time to revise it. My usual fall-back time to write is in the middle of the night when kids are asleep, but during the weekend writing period for this Writeoff we were fighting sleep disturbances and illness that had people up at all hours... so yeah, this came out pretty raw. There was a point where I realized I'd probably made a mistake by not invoking Daring Do, and another point where I realized I was writing a bald-faced Deus Ex Machina with overtones of drugging children, and due to time constraints, the only thing I could do was double-down on it.
With that said, I'm amazed it did as well as it did! :heart:
>>Not_A_Hat
The emphasis was 100% (probably unjustified) paranoia about giving myself away as the author. I hate and never use bold, so I figured that would help throw people off my trail. (And... it was a weird weekend, I wasn't thinking 100% clearly, etc.) Oh and the Zecora thing originated in the thought that Petunia would go to Zecora's house and look into her cauldron and have the dream... but it turned out backwards when I actually went to write it.
>>Baal Bunny
Ah, yes. Luna. :facehoof:
I appreciate your pointing it out, and I died a little on the inside when I realized Luna would have been the more natural choice to guide Petunia through a plot-pivotal dream sequence.
>>Feris
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Morning Sun
I didn't expect to see recommendations for Petunia to fight the time limitation. But, considering we have Doctor Whooves and Starlight Glimmer hanging around Ponyville, this makes way more sense than I would've expected. I'm torn if I want to go down this road, as it could lead in some pretty cracky directions. OTOH, I could swap GlimGlam in for Twilight without changing a whole lot, if Filthy's objection was more about taking time away from running his empire instead of not having contacts.
Fun fact, though: It was originally going to be Rainbow Dash instead of Twilight, and Petunia was going to ask about getting in touch with Daring Do. But I dunno, then I sat down to write it and it came out being Twilight and I didn't have time to reassess the situation.
>>Posh
Additional fun fact: Zecora's dialogue was the last thing I wrote. It was murder. I was juggling kids at ungodly-AM and trying to work out pairs of lines with identical numbers of syllables. 0/10, would not Rhyme-Zeebra again.
>>BlazzingInferno
I might change it to Petunia at the end. Right now it's written as an admonishment to myself and other parents as much as anything. It's so easy to dismiss the silly-seeming dreams of kids, especially when they're young and the dreams seem to change with the weather. But the lesson here is not to do that.
Okay, so what did the intended audience think of this? After writing it, I asked Oldest if there was still interest in hearing it. And after I read it and asked for Oldest's opinion, here is what Oldest replied, with the most serious facial expression you could possibly imagine:
...And that's why I haven't quit my day job to write children's stories! :-P
Petunia and the Retrospective
Thank you to these awesome peoples for the feedbacks: >>Haze >>Not_A_Hat >>Baal Bunny >>Feris >>JudgeDeadd >>Zaid Val'Roa >>Posh >>Morning Sun >>BlazzingInferno
Yep yep, this was a children's story intended for children; specifically for my oldest. A couple months ago, Oldest learned about Coelacanths--"the living fossil"--and asked me to write a story about them. I agreed, but I blanked on what exactly I should write. I wanted to make good on my promise but I couldn't think of a story. I'd actually realized Petunia Paleo offered a way to write a story about them in Equestria before Petunia's giant coprolite story dropped (ha, ha), but seeing that story get so big (ha, ha) gave me confidence that her character could win an audience. I mean, it's stupid to think that she couldn't; any character can if written well. But I dunno.
The rest of it was just working out the structure. It's funny how so many people went with the overall structure, even if half the story could be gutted and replaced with different encounters with different ponies. I'm amazed the Deus Ex Machina managed to come off as well as it did, too. Because to provide some background... I had very little time to write this, and basically zero time to revise it. My usual fall-back time to write is in the middle of the night when kids are asleep, but during the weekend writing period for this Writeoff we were fighting sleep disturbances and illness that had people up at all hours... so yeah, this came out pretty raw. There was a point where I realized I'd probably made a mistake by not invoking Daring Do, and another point where I realized I was writing a bald-faced Deus Ex Machina with overtones of drugging children, and due to time constraints, the only thing I could do was double-down on it.
With that said, I'm amazed it did as well as it did! :heart:
>>Not_A_Hat
The emphasis was 100% (probably unjustified) paranoia about giving myself away as the author. I hate and never use bold, so I figured that would help throw people off my trail. (And... it was a weird weekend, I wasn't thinking 100% clearly, etc.) Oh and the Zecora thing originated in the thought that Petunia would go to Zecora's house and look into her cauldron and have the dream... but it turned out backwards when I actually went to write it.
>>Baal Bunny
Ah, yes. Luna. :facehoof:
I appreciate your pointing it out, and I died a little on the inside when I realized Luna would have been the more natural choice to guide Petunia through a plot-pivotal dream sequence.
>>Feris
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Morning Sun
I didn't expect to see recommendations for Petunia to fight the time limitation. But, considering we have Doctor Whooves and Starlight Glimmer hanging around Ponyville, this makes way more sense than I would've expected. I'm torn if I want to go down this road, as it could lead in some pretty cracky directions. OTOH, I could swap GlimGlam in for Twilight without changing a whole lot, if Filthy's objection was more about taking time away from running his empire instead of not having contacts.
Fun fact, though: It was originally going to be Rainbow Dash instead of Twilight, and Petunia was going to ask about getting in touch with Daring Do. But I dunno, then I sat down to write it and it came out being Twilight and I didn't have time to reassess the situation.
>>Posh
Additional fun fact: Zecora's dialogue was the last thing I wrote. It was murder. I was juggling kids at ungodly-AM and trying to work out pairs of lines with identical numbers of syllables. 0/10, would not Rhyme-Zeebra again.
>>BlazzingInferno
I might change it to Petunia at the end. Right now it's written as an admonishment to myself and other parents as much as anything. It's so easy to dismiss the silly-seeming dreams of kids, especially when they're young and the dreams seem to change with the weather. But the lesson here is not to do that.
Okay, so what did the intended audience think of this? After writing it, I asked Oldest if there was still interest in hearing it. And after I read it and asked for Oldest's opinion, here is what Oldest replied, with the most serious facial expression you could possibly imagine:
"It was awkward. Daddy, you're wrong; the coelacanths are bigger than you."
...And that's why I haven't quit my day job to write children's stories! :-P
>>CoffeeMinion
You must be stopped.
Somehow, the revelation that you wrote this for your kid just makes it all the more adorable.
Oh, come on, I'm sure they're not that biOH HOLY HORSE JESUS HORSE MARY AND HORSE JOSEPH
Looks like it's timeEnoughfor...
You must be stopped.
Somehow, the revelation that you wrote this for your kid just makes it all the more adorable.
Okay, so what did the intended audience think of this? After writing it, I asked Oldest if there was still interest in hearing it. And after I read it and asked for Oldest's opinion, here is what Oldest replied, with the most serious facial expression you could possibly imagine:"It was awkward. Daddy, you're wrong; the coelacanths are bigger than you."
Oh, come on, I'm sure they're not that biOH HOLY HORSE JESUS HORSE MARY AND HORSE JOSEPH
>>CoffeeMinion
Take it from Twilight Velvet, it's a brutal market ;)
If you want to keep the ding on Petunia's parents, maybe they could be a little more dismissive-sounding than "we probably can't afford to do that"?
Have you read Ada Twist, Scientist? That's what comes to mind for me. Her parents aren't meanspirited or unreasonable, but they are facing down a unique and trying challenge from their very unique kid.
...And that's why I haven't quit my day job to write children's stories! :-P
Take it from Twilight Velvet, it's a brutal market ;)
If you want to keep the ding on Petunia's parents, maybe they could be a little more dismissive-sounding than "we probably can't afford to do that"?
Have you read Ada Twist, Scientist? That's what comes to mind for me. Her parents aren't meanspirited or unreasonable, but they are facing down a unique and trying challenge from their very unique kid.
Apologies again for the late reply.
As is so often the case, I had a wonderful idea but the margins of the writeoff, particularly over a holiday weekend, were not large enough to contain it. As time wore on and it became clear I could not finish it as intended, I was loath to publish it in flawed form and equally loath to give up entirely. Thus, I took another idea and pulled an all-nighter to knock it off just before the deadline. Much of the rough and hasty character of the work stems from this, in addition to there being little introduction for those not already familiar with the Optimalverse and other transhumanist fiction.
>>Posh
Yes, it’s Lay on. But he’s not being attacked or laid upon there. My intent was to make a loose and playful reference, not an exact quote.
I’m glad you got something from it despite your unfamiliarity with the background.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
I’d worked out some of the exposition in my head when mulling over the idea previously. This exposition was correspondingly the easiest part to write, and between 3-7 AM, it’s what wound up being written. Thanks for finding it nice!
>>Feris
Yeah, this thing is too compressed, for reasons mentioned above. I’m not sure what to do with it from here, but bringing it out saved me from ruining my other idea.
>>Trick_Question
The bit about the doctor’s office was meant as a bit of color to explain why your brain is not a reliable narrator when you undergo sudden shifts of scene while unconscious. I see no point to making it a previous scene in the story.
“The Rocks had Risen, and everyone lived.” < Inversion of the gaming trope, “Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies.” If you think of the singularity as the silicon age, this is what I meant by Rising Rocks.
>>JudgeDeadd
Well, if I’d had time, I would have had a potential medaler to work on. As it was, I came out with this poor thing. I hope you didn’t find it entirely a waste.
>>KwirkyJ
But what if I want to write like Issac Asimov? :)
>>AndrewRogue
I haven’t played that game, and I was going for a different sort of effect here, but perhaps I will leave that for a future revision.
>>Morning Sun
Well, the nub of the story was the conceit that Going to Science Heaven might be possible even now, in the next five minutes, if a sufficiently committed future version of your self cared to make it happen. It’s a variant of “Future You comes back in a time machine to save you from all the bad choices you’ve made” and is mostly a wish fulfillment fantasy. As such, perhaps it has strutted and fretted enough upon the stage for now, and should be placed gently into the spare parts bin for future reference.
Thanks to everyone who read and commented!
As is so often the case, I had a wonderful idea but the margins of the writeoff, particularly over a holiday weekend, were not large enough to contain it. As time wore on and it became clear I could not finish it as intended, I was loath to publish it in flawed form and equally loath to give up entirely. Thus, I took another idea and pulled an all-nighter to knock it off just before the deadline. Much of the rough and hasty character of the work stems from this, in addition to there being little introduction for those not already familiar with the Optimalverse and other transhumanist fiction.
>>Posh
Yes, it’s Lay on. But he’s not being attacked or laid upon there. My intent was to make a loose and playful reference, not an exact quote.
I’m glad you got something from it despite your unfamiliarity with the background.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
I’d worked out some of the exposition in my head when mulling over the idea previously. This exposition was correspondingly the easiest part to write, and between 3-7 AM, it’s what wound up being written. Thanks for finding it nice!
>>Feris
Yeah, this thing is too compressed, for reasons mentioned above. I’m not sure what to do with it from here, but bringing it out saved me from ruining my other idea.
>>Trick_Question
The bit about the doctor’s office was meant as a bit of color to explain why your brain is not a reliable narrator when you undergo sudden shifts of scene while unconscious. I see no point to making it a previous scene in the story.
“The Rocks had Risen, and everyone lived.” < Inversion of the gaming trope, “Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies.” If you think of the singularity as the silicon age, this is what I meant by Rising Rocks.
>>JudgeDeadd
Well, if I’d had time, I would have had a potential medaler to work on. As it was, I came out with this poor thing. I hope you didn’t find it entirely a waste.
>>KwirkyJ
But what if I want to write like Issac Asimov? :)
>>AndrewRogue
I haven’t played that game, and I was going for a different sort of effect here, but perhaps I will leave that for a future revision.
>>Morning Sun
Well, the nub of the story was the conceit that Going to Science Heaven might be possible even now, in the next five minutes, if a sufficiently committed future version of your self cared to make it happen. It’s a variant of “Future You comes back in a time machine to save you from all the bad choices you’ve made” and is mostly a wish fulfillment fantasy. As such, perhaps it has strutted and fretted enough upon the stage for now, and should be placed gently into the spare parts bin for future reference.
Thanks to everyone who read and commented!
Wow, I am HORRIBLE at replying to comments and doing retrospectives, aren't I? Still, better late than never, right?
Regardless, I am, obviously, the soul responsible for the mess that is Connections. I'm rather surprised by just how many comments this entry has garnered; far more than any of my other stories. Though that's likely because it has so very many issues to be commented on.
I freely admit that this is far from my best work. In my defense, I wrote this between 5:00 pm and 1:00 am Sunday evening. I had been too busy with New Years related activities to write until then, but I really didn't want to miss the first Write Off of the new year, especially when I'm likely to be indisposed for the next two... So I desperately churned out this little 'gem' so I'd at least have something to enter. I was practically nodding off when I finally hit 'submit.'
I originally planned to have the story be quite a bit longer... Just a bunch of little slices of time.. The proposal. The marriage. Having children. The children growing up. Grandchildren. Etc. It was going to end with two old ponies sitting on a park bench enjoying a sunny day when someone else walks by (Perhaps Candance, perhaps another of the Mane 6) and makes a comment about them obviously still being very much in love, and asking if that love line had always been there.
Obviously I ran out of energy well before that, and more or less made do with what I had before I fell asleep. ;>
So, thank you to everyone who took the time and energy to comment on this mess. I really do appreciate it. I'd claim that I'll do better next time, but... Next time is tomorrow, and I may have as much as three whole hours to write a minific... So, if I manage to get anything written, it's likely to be just as bad or worse than this one... So... Apologies in advance! ;>
Regardless, I am, obviously, the soul responsible for the mess that is Connections. I'm rather surprised by just how many comments this entry has garnered; far more than any of my other stories. Though that's likely because it has so very many issues to be commented on.
I freely admit that this is far from my best work. In my defense, I wrote this between 5:00 pm and 1:00 am Sunday evening. I had been too busy with New Years related activities to write until then, but I really didn't want to miss the first Write Off of the new year, especially when I'm likely to be indisposed for the next two... So I desperately churned out this little 'gem' so I'd at least have something to enter. I was practically nodding off when I finally hit 'submit.'
I originally planned to have the story be quite a bit longer... Just a bunch of little slices of time.. The proposal. The marriage. Having children. The children growing up. Grandchildren. Etc. It was going to end with two old ponies sitting on a park bench enjoying a sunny day when someone else walks by (Perhaps Candance, perhaps another of the Mane 6) and makes a comment about them obviously still being very much in love, and asking if that love line had always been there.
Obviously I ran out of energy well before that, and more or less made do with what I had before I fell asleep. ;>
So, thank you to everyone who took the time and energy to comment on this mess. I really do appreciate it. I'd claim that I'll do better next time, but... Next time is tomorrow, and I may have as much as three whole hours to write a minific... So, if I manage to get anything written, it's likely to be just as bad or worse than this one... So... Apologies in advance! ;>
Hopping in here from the future to review this story. Some of these reviewers rib it, but I like it, warts and all.
I'd like to assure you that I'm no toady seeking approval—no bull. Frog story is good, more than just a tad. Poll your friends; I'm sure they'll agree. Please, join me in promoting this story, so that it can win the author a literary prize. I'd like to accomplish this dream before I croak.
Thank you
I'd like to assure you that I'm no toady seeking approval—no bull. Frog story is good, more than just a tad. Poll your friends; I'm sure they'll agree. Please, join me in promoting this story, so that it can win the author a literary prize. I'd like to accomplish this dream before I croak.
Thank you