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Bonding over Budweiser
An explosion rang out in the distance, and a fine layer of dust came drifting down from the ceiling. Princess Celestia was in the epicenter of the Royal Guard’s War Room, all the top-level brass necessary to keep Equestria’s armed forces fighting jammed into a single room.
Piles of dragonfired scrolls were arriving and departing every moment, the officers working their hardest to maintain a cohesive defense. Every moment, scrolls were appearing and disappearing in flashes of green fire, a platoon of scribes attacking a mountain of paper to keep communications running.
The sharp cracks of gunfire were closer to the castle than Princess Celestia would have liked. Earlier that morning, pegasus scouts had reported massive troop movements in the areas surrounding Canterlot. They were surrounded by human forces, cut off from reinforcements. Princess Celestia took a moment to wonder how it had all gone wrong, the exact circumstances that had led to this situation.
Two years ago a portal between universes was created, admittedly by an overeager Canterlot University student’s accident. First contact had been made, and paranoia on both sides had been high. Princess Celestia’s top advisors had been ready to deploy the Elements of Harmony, but Celestia hadn’t know how far the United States had been willing to go, until at a recent social function when a high-ranking US military officer had pulled her off to the side and told her in strictest confidence that the ‘nuclear’ option had been considered at one point, but had thankfully been discarded. Eventually, cooler heads prevailed and a somewhat tentative alliance had been forged between the two nations.
It was almost like a bad dream, the forces once pledged together in peace now pitted against each other in war. Just the other day she had attended an officer’s ball on the other side of the portal. Was it possible that those friends she’d made over cocktails had orchestrated this attack? The thought of it was almost enough to turn her stomach.
An aide ran up to her with a dispatch clutched in his magic. Private Powder Keg if Celestia’s memory was right. It had always been one of her hobbies to memorize the ponies working under her, but in a situation like the present, she might be the only one left to remember them.
“Princess! Captain Iron Sides is holding at the railyard. He’s pinned down and needs pegasus support.”
“We don’t have any left, tell him to hold out with what he’s got. If we can, we’ll retask another unit, but we won’t have one ready for at least fifteen minutes.”
“Yes ma’am!” With that, the aide scurried back to his station and started penning out the message before igniting it with a dragonfire candle and sending it on its way.
Another aide ran forward with much the same request, which Celestia had to once again deny. It was a losing battle. For the first few hours, the Royal Guard had been holding ground against the relentless offensive. Something had changed in the last two hours, and now the rate of scrolls materializing in the room was decreasing at an alarming rate. Most of them were a variant of a single message: ‘Overrun’.
The staccatos of gunfire were drawing closer, echoing through the halls. Princess Celestia was able to discern the slight differences in them, the sharp cracks of rifle-fire, the deeper chuchuchut of machine guns. It didn’t bode well.
Gunshots echoed through the hallways, mixed with the battle cries of ponies. The fighting was getting closer. The top brass of the Royal Guard who had been directing the battle were now preparing to take the stage and fight it. Armor and weapons were being passed around to everypony, and Princess Celestia was no exception. The royal barding was neither comfortable nor ceremonial, its primary purpose to protect. It had been forged during a time when Equestria had been neither safe nor secure, small steel plates bound in cloth and arranged like a dragon’s scales. Somepony passed her a polearm, and she accepted it, tucking it under a wing.
Chairs and tables were stacked like firewood against the two open archways that led into the room, the windows reinforced and hidden with magic long before the fighting had begun. Finally the room was secured, the occupants taking up fortifying positions.
The cracks of gunfire inside the castle had fallen quiet. The defenders waited in silence. It was several minutes until movement was spotted, a wall of grey smoke rolling down the hallway.
A young guardspony poked his head over a barricade and peered into the grey smoke that was flowing down the corridor at a turgid pace. A shot rang out, and he fell backwards off the barricade to lie limply in a pile on the floor.
As if a floodgate had been opened, a short volley of shots rang out, and the defenders braced themselves against their barricades for the attackers to rush forward as bullets smashed into wood. It came as a surprise when a trio of small silver canisters spraying thick white smoke were thrown over the barricades and into the center of the room.
The room started to fill with an acrid stench, the mysterious gas spreading across the floor in a thin layer that was starting to thicken.
Princess Celestia recognized the one of the components in the smoke from the noxious odor alone. Trotsweed, normally only a minor irritant, but when aerosolized it had the ability to completely neutralize a unicorn’s magic. Already, the air filtering spell she’d cast around her head was sputtering, the magic leaking away, leaving only the start of a migraine.
Princess Celestia inhaled, and the gas immediately burned her throat. In moments she was coughing, snot streaming from her nose. The rest of the defenders were also suffering the same ill effects. The room was filled with the noises of ponies hacking, gasping, and coughing, nopony immune to the effects of the debilitating gas.
"Air, I need air!" a stallion yelled, climbing over the barricades and disappearing into the thick grey smoke that filled the hallway.
The current situation was unbearable, their current position unmaintainable. The only option left was a tactical retreat outside, where the air was hopefully breathable. Celestia got to her feet, lept over the barricade, and galloped through the smoke filled hallway.
Being the long-ruling diarch of Equestria had its advantages. A minor one was knowing the castle like the back of her frog. Blinded by smoke, and all around exhausted she was able to stumble out into a courtyard in only a few minutes. She only got turned around once.
Celestia rolled on the grass of the courtyard, trying to get the despicable irritant out of her system by hacking and coughing. WIthin moments of breathing fresh air, her lungs no longer burned and her sinuses were already clearing. The day’s events had taken a lot out of her, and so she lay on the grass panting, only looking up when something blotted out the sun shining on her face.
A tall gangly creature on two legs, wearing an olive-drab uniform and armed only with a knife stood before her.
“Captured,” it announced, pressing the knife against her throat before she could react.
“I surrender.”
“Captured go over there,” it announced, sheathing the orange plastic knife and pointing towards a huddle of sheepish looking Royal Guard in one corner of the yard.
Celestia obeyed the bipedal creature and limped over to the rest of the captured soldiers. The effects of the gas finally wore off, and Celestia was finally able to clean herself up slightly. Looking around, she looked to see who she shared her fate with.
The human soldiers were filtering out of the castle, some walking, some being carried, all smiling. The ‘dead’ were being led off in one line, the ‘survivors’ into another.
A soldier, an officer if she was reading his shoulder insignias right, was walking down the line of human ‘survivors’ with a clipboard. Every few soldiers, he would say ‘Casualty’ and the selected soldier would reach into their shirt-pocket, remove a small brown envelope, and then tear it open,reading a small card inside. The responses ranged from groans to excited giggles.
From the briefing earlier that day, Princess Celestia knew that they were opening their ‘casualty cards’, a preselected list of ailments and injuries for the medics to fawn over. After all, what good was a combat exercise if you only tested half your forces? There was more to winning a war than just fighting. Only by testing you army’s entire capabilities could you figure out where you stood on the totem pole.
The cards distributed, the orderly line of Americans broke apart as the soldiers started milling around the courtyard. Two of them in particular caught her attention, and she cocked her ear, listening in on their conversation.
“This is fucking bullshit. Complications from Pregnancy, yeah, cause that’s what I’ve got in my pants.”
“Well you do look like a bit of a pussy.”
There was muted laughter.
“Get fucked Mike, guess what I got?”
“What?”
“Hangnail, Return to Duty.”
“Chris you lucky bastard.”
“Y'know, I think I might get some tail tonight. I bet some of the locals would love to get frisky with a man in uniform.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Would I?”
“They’re little horses dude... I fucking dare you.”
“Well, we’ll see who’s laughing tonight.”
Celestia sidled up to the pair of soldiers, who froze in place when they noticed how close she was, and how likely it was that she’d picked up the less savory parts of their conversation.
“I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. You’re right, this wasn’t the right card for you at all. I’ll make sure that it gets to the proper place.”
Celestia pulled the pregnancy card from the soldier's grip, turned to walk away, but decided to pause instead.
“Also, if you’ve been having trouble getting any, I’m sure my assistant Raven can get you an invitation to dinner with me. I haven’t gotten to know any humans that well yet. Who knows, you might be a better diplomat than a soldier.” With that, Celestia gave a sultry wink and walked over to the officer who had been assigning ‘casualties’..
“I need to go on the truck out with your soldiers,” Celestia informed him, displaying her purloined card with a smile a mile wide. “Apparently, I’m pregnant. Who knew!”
With that, Celestia trotted over to the ‘casualty’ truck and climbed up and into the back.
There were two benches that ran the length of the truck, with a thick green tarp covering the sides and top of the cargo area. She moved over to one of the benches, and after the soldiers scooted down, sat down.
Her neighbor was a morose looking soldier, who, unlike the others, didn’t have a single painted on wound.
“What’s your card?” Celestia asked.
“It’s nothing,” the soldier muttered.
“It’s my first time doing anything like this exercise, so forgive my curiosity. I’d just like to know.”
The man’s face was now a beet red, shameful and embarrassed.
“Constipation,” he muttered in a quiet voice.
Their muted conversation had taken interest from the rest of the soldiers in the back of the truck.
“Hey Frisano, I didn’t hear ya, speak up!” the sergeant called from the front of the truck.
“CONSTIPATION SARGE!”
“Knocked out of the war by MRE cheese Private? That’s friendly fire! Might want to inform Ameriqual, I’m sure they’d love the feedback.”
“Well if it’s any consolation, I got ‘Complications from Pregnancy,’” Princess Celestia said, holding up her card in her magic. “Do I look very pregnant to you?”
The soldier sitting next to her, apparently ‘Frisano’, froze, his brain searching for an answer that wouldn’t get him written up for sexual harassment by his chain of command, or burnt to a crisp by a vengeful goddess.
“No ma'am,’ he ventured. “You’re a very beautiful... um... lady?”
Celestia smiled at the compliment. “The word you’re looking for is mare.”
The ice broken, questions came flooding in.
“Are your wings real?”
Yes.
“Can I touch them?”
No.
“How do you talk?”
I move my mouth and then the words come out.
What’s your favorite food?
A good currant cake, with roast almonds on top.
How do you get your hair to do that all the time?
*Deep sigh*
Have you ever hit your horn on a door?
Not that I can remember.
“What’s the biggest di--” --A hard, long glare from the Sergeant and the question was hastily retracted-- “Nevermind.”
As the truck lurched into gear and pulled out of the castle and onto the streets of Canterlot, Celestia was already annoyed from all the questions. By the time the truck pulled into the American camp, she was almost exhausted.
Professional fighting force my flank! She thought to herself. They’re worse than foals! At least foals get tired!
The truck came to a stop by the medical tent, the large red cross on a white background giving it away. The medics boarded the truck and got to work. The worst of the ‘wounded’ soldiers were carted off first, then the medics came back again and again until the truck had been cleared out. Only she was left, the anomaly.
A medic came over, and seeing that she was the only ‘patient’ left, let out a sigh. She didn’t blame him. Today’s bureaucratic machine had been setup to practice on humans. She was not a human. Therefore paperwork was going to be involved, and sadly for the medic, more paperwork than was strictly necessary.
“Alright, come over to the tent.”
“Happy to oblige,” Celestia replied, hopping daintily out of truck. The medic led her over to a wall-tent, where there were two chairs, and a small folding table waiting.
“Name? Last then first.”
“Celestia.”
“Card please.”
Celestia handed over her casualty card. The medic read it and snorted.
“Tell you what, it’s been a long day. We’re going to do this by the book.” Changing his tone to something more formal, the medic continued. “As I am not skilled in providing medical attention to the Equestrian pony named Celestia, I will defer to the judgement of the Equestrian representative, Princess Celestia.”
Celestia giggled.
“Princess Celestia, given the symptoms exhibited by the patient Celestia, what is your opinion?”
“Clean bill of health.”
“Well then, seeing as Celestia is healthy and wholesome, she no longer requires the medical services of the United States Army Medical Corps. As such, I release her to the authority of Princess Celestia.”
“How long has today been?” Celestia asked.
“Very. Mind if I ask why you rode over here in the back of a medical truck?”
“Well, really I just wanted a look around here. I was here the other day, but it was on a bit of a guided tour. What I really love to do is just get out and experience things, without all that politics getting in the way. “
“Well, the Rangers throw the best parties, and they’re off on the far west edge of camp. They've got the best beer too. If you can find me, I'll run you a saline IV. It's the best way to beat a hangover.”
With that the medic pushed his partially filled out paperwork off his folding-table and into a trash can, then picked up his pen and walked away, leaving Celestia to her own devices.
It was much later in the afternoon by the time Celestia had managed to work her way back to the castle, specifically to the captured ‘war-room’ that she’d spent most of the day hunched over a set of maps.
The room was in shambles, the walls marked with flecks of paint from the American gunfire, the tables and chairs flung every which way during the ‘last stand’. The floor itself could barely be seen, covered with so many loose papers. Despite the mountain of disarray, a small army of custodial staff were already fighting a new war: to get the castle’s dining room back in action for a formal dinner reception to be held that night, celebrating the culmination of the first Equestrian-American combined exercise.
Several of the cleaners were eyeing one of the tables, distaste evident on their muzzles. Princess Celestia walked over, and had to suppress a chuckle. The tabletop was covered with a single piece of graffiti, big block letters spelling out a single phrase: “Wagner Loves The Cock.”
One of the ponies made to start cleaning it off, but Princess Celestia stopped them. She knew the perfect place to display it: smack dab in the center of the corridor leading from Luna's tower. The perfect place to driver her dearest sister absolutely batty.
"No, don't clean it off," she said. "This is a commemorative of the first Equestrian-American wargames. It's a piece of history, and as such needs to be properly preserved. We’re going to have to mount it somewhere. Fortunately, I know just the place for it."
Piles of dragonfired scrolls were arriving and departing every moment, the officers working their hardest to maintain a cohesive defense. Every moment, scrolls were appearing and disappearing in flashes of green fire, a platoon of scribes attacking a mountain of paper to keep communications running.
The sharp cracks of gunfire were closer to the castle than Princess Celestia would have liked. Earlier that morning, pegasus scouts had reported massive troop movements in the areas surrounding Canterlot. They were surrounded by human forces, cut off from reinforcements. Princess Celestia took a moment to wonder how it had all gone wrong, the exact circumstances that had led to this situation.
Two years ago a portal between universes was created, admittedly by an overeager Canterlot University student’s accident. First contact had been made, and paranoia on both sides had been high. Princess Celestia’s top advisors had been ready to deploy the Elements of Harmony, but Celestia hadn’t know how far the United States had been willing to go, until at a recent social function when a high-ranking US military officer had pulled her off to the side and told her in strictest confidence that the ‘nuclear’ option had been considered at one point, but had thankfully been discarded. Eventually, cooler heads prevailed and a somewhat tentative alliance had been forged between the two nations.
It was almost like a bad dream, the forces once pledged together in peace now pitted against each other in war. Just the other day she had attended an officer’s ball on the other side of the portal. Was it possible that those friends she’d made over cocktails had orchestrated this attack? The thought of it was almost enough to turn her stomach.
An aide ran up to her with a dispatch clutched in his magic. Private Powder Keg if Celestia’s memory was right. It had always been one of her hobbies to memorize the ponies working under her, but in a situation like the present, she might be the only one left to remember them.
“Princess! Captain Iron Sides is holding at the railyard. He’s pinned down and needs pegasus support.”
“We don’t have any left, tell him to hold out with what he’s got. If we can, we’ll retask another unit, but we won’t have one ready for at least fifteen minutes.”
“Yes ma’am!” With that, the aide scurried back to his station and started penning out the message before igniting it with a dragonfire candle and sending it on its way.
Another aide ran forward with much the same request, which Celestia had to once again deny. It was a losing battle. For the first few hours, the Royal Guard had been holding ground against the relentless offensive. Something had changed in the last two hours, and now the rate of scrolls materializing in the room was decreasing at an alarming rate. Most of them were a variant of a single message: ‘Overrun’.
The staccatos of gunfire were drawing closer, echoing through the halls. Princess Celestia was able to discern the slight differences in them, the sharp cracks of rifle-fire, the deeper chuchuchut of machine guns. It didn’t bode well.
Gunshots echoed through the hallways, mixed with the battle cries of ponies. The fighting was getting closer. The top brass of the Royal Guard who had been directing the battle were now preparing to take the stage and fight it. Armor and weapons were being passed around to everypony, and Princess Celestia was no exception. The royal barding was neither comfortable nor ceremonial, its primary purpose to protect. It had been forged during a time when Equestria had been neither safe nor secure, small steel plates bound in cloth and arranged like a dragon’s scales. Somepony passed her a polearm, and she accepted it, tucking it under a wing.
Chairs and tables were stacked like firewood against the two open archways that led into the room, the windows reinforced and hidden with magic long before the fighting had begun. Finally the room was secured, the occupants taking up fortifying positions.
The cracks of gunfire inside the castle had fallen quiet. The defenders waited in silence. It was several minutes until movement was spotted, a wall of grey smoke rolling down the hallway.
A young guardspony poked his head over a barricade and peered into the grey smoke that was flowing down the corridor at a turgid pace. A shot rang out, and he fell backwards off the barricade to lie limply in a pile on the floor.
As if a floodgate had been opened, a short volley of shots rang out, and the defenders braced themselves against their barricades for the attackers to rush forward as bullets smashed into wood. It came as a surprise when a trio of small silver canisters spraying thick white smoke were thrown over the barricades and into the center of the room.
The room started to fill with an acrid stench, the mysterious gas spreading across the floor in a thin layer that was starting to thicken.
Princess Celestia recognized the one of the components in the smoke from the noxious odor alone. Trotsweed, normally only a minor irritant, but when aerosolized it had the ability to completely neutralize a unicorn’s magic. Already, the air filtering spell she’d cast around her head was sputtering, the magic leaking away, leaving only the start of a migraine.
Princess Celestia inhaled, and the gas immediately burned her throat. In moments she was coughing, snot streaming from her nose. The rest of the defenders were also suffering the same ill effects. The room was filled with the noises of ponies hacking, gasping, and coughing, nopony immune to the effects of the debilitating gas.
"Air, I need air!" a stallion yelled, climbing over the barricades and disappearing into the thick grey smoke that filled the hallway.
The current situation was unbearable, their current position unmaintainable. The only option left was a tactical retreat outside, where the air was hopefully breathable. Celestia got to her feet, lept over the barricade, and galloped through the smoke filled hallway.
Being the long-ruling diarch of Equestria had its advantages. A minor one was knowing the castle like the back of her frog. Blinded by smoke, and all around exhausted she was able to stumble out into a courtyard in only a few minutes. She only got turned around once.
Celestia rolled on the grass of the courtyard, trying to get the despicable irritant out of her system by hacking and coughing. WIthin moments of breathing fresh air, her lungs no longer burned and her sinuses were already clearing. The day’s events had taken a lot out of her, and so she lay on the grass panting, only looking up when something blotted out the sun shining on her face.
A tall gangly creature on two legs, wearing an olive-drab uniform and armed only with a knife stood before her.
“Captured,” it announced, pressing the knife against her throat before she could react.
“I surrender.”
“Captured go over there,” it announced, sheathing the orange plastic knife and pointing towards a huddle of sheepish looking Royal Guard in one corner of the yard.
Celestia obeyed the bipedal creature and limped over to the rest of the captured soldiers. The effects of the gas finally wore off, and Celestia was finally able to clean herself up slightly. Looking around, she looked to see who she shared her fate with.
The human soldiers were filtering out of the castle, some walking, some being carried, all smiling. The ‘dead’ were being led off in one line, the ‘survivors’ into another.
A soldier, an officer if she was reading his shoulder insignias right, was walking down the line of human ‘survivors’ with a clipboard. Every few soldiers, he would say ‘Casualty’ and the selected soldier would reach into their shirt-pocket, remove a small brown envelope, and then tear it open,reading a small card inside. The responses ranged from groans to excited giggles.
From the briefing earlier that day, Princess Celestia knew that they were opening their ‘casualty cards’, a preselected list of ailments and injuries for the medics to fawn over. After all, what good was a combat exercise if you only tested half your forces? There was more to winning a war than just fighting. Only by testing you army’s entire capabilities could you figure out where you stood on the totem pole.
The cards distributed, the orderly line of Americans broke apart as the soldiers started milling around the courtyard. Two of them in particular caught her attention, and she cocked her ear, listening in on their conversation.
“This is fucking bullshit. Complications from Pregnancy, yeah, cause that’s what I’ve got in my pants.”
“Well you do look like a bit of a pussy.”
There was muted laughter.
“Get fucked Mike, guess what I got?”
“What?”
“Hangnail, Return to Duty.”
“Chris you lucky bastard.”
“Y'know, I think I might get some tail tonight. I bet some of the locals would love to get frisky with a man in uniform.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Would I?”
“They’re little horses dude... I fucking dare you.”
“Well, we’ll see who’s laughing tonight.”
Celestia sidled up to the pair of soldiers, who froze in place when they noticed how close she was, and how likely it was that she’d picked up the less savory parts of their conversation.
“I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. You’re right, this wasn’t the right card for you at all. I’ll make sure that it gets to the proper place.”
Celestia pulled the pregnancy card from the soldier's grip, turned to walk away, but decided to pause instead.
“Also, if you’ve been having trouble getting any, I’m sure my assistant Raven can get you an invitation to dinner with me. I haven’t gotten to know any humans that well yet. Who knows, you might be a better diplomat than a soldier.” With that, Celestia gave a sultry wink and walked over to the officer who had been assigning ‘casualties’..
“I need to go on the truck out with your soldiers,” Celestia informed him, displaying her purloined card with a smile a mile wide. “Apparently, I’m pregnant. Who knew!”
With that, Celestia trotted over to the ‘casualty’ truck and climbed up and into the back.
There were two benches that ran the length of the truck, with a thick green tarp covering the sides and top of the cargo area. She moved over to one of the benches, and after the soldiers scooted down, sat down.
Her neighbor was a morose looking soldier, who, unlike the others, didn’t have a single painted on wound.
“What’s your card?” Celestia asked.
“It’s nothing,” the soldier muttered.
“It’s my first time doing anything like this exercise, so forgive my curiosity. I’d just like to know.”
The man’s face was now a beet red, shameful and embarrassed.
“Constipation,” he muttered in a quiet voice.
Their muted conversation had taken interest from the rest of the soldiers in the back of the truck.
“Hey Frisano, I didn’t hear ya, speak up!” the sergeant called from the front of the truck.
“CONSTIPATION SARGE!”
“Knocked out of the war by MRE cheese Private? That’s friendly fire! Might want to inform Ameriqual, I’m sure they’d love the feedback.”
“Well if it’s any consolation, I got ‘Complications from Pregnancy,’” Princess Celestia said, holding up her card in her magic. “Do I look very pregnant to you?”
The soldier sitting next to her, apparently ‘Frisano’, froze, his brain searching for an answer that wouldn’t get him written up for sexual harassment by his chain of command, or burnt to a crisp by a vengeful goddess.
“No ma'am,’ he ventured. “You’re a very beautiful... um... lady?”
Celestia smiled at the compliment. “The word you’re looking for is mare.”
The ice broken, questions came flooding in.
“Are your wings real?”
Yes.
“Can I touch them?”
No.
“How do you talk?”
I move my mouth and then the words come out.
What’s your favorite food?
A good currant cake, with roast almonds on top.
How do you get your hair to do that all the time?
*Deep sigh*
Have you ever hit your horn on a door?
Not that I can remember.
“What’s the biggest di--” --A hard, long glare from the Sergeant and the question was hastily retracted-- “Nevermind.”
As the truck lurched into gear and pulled out of the castle and onto the streets of Canterlot, Celestia was already annoyed from all the questions. By the time the truck pulled into the American camp, she was almost exhausted.
Professional fighting force my flank! She thought to herself. They’re worse than foals! At least foals get tired!
The truck came to a stop by the medical tent, the large red cross on a white background giving it away. The medics boarded the truck and got to work. The worst of the ‘wounded’ soldiers were carted off first, then the medics came back again and again until the truck had been cleared out. Only she was left, the anomaly.
A medic came over, and seeing that she was the only ‘patient’ left, let out a sigh. She didn’t blame him. Today’s bureaucratic machine had been setup to practice on humans. She was not a human. Therefore paperwork was going to be involved, and sadly for the medic, more paperwork than was strictly necessary.
“Alright, come over to the tent.”
“Happy to oblige,” Celestia replied, hopping daintily out of truck. The medic led her over to a wall-tent, where there were two chairs, and a small folding table waiting.
“Name? Last then first.”
“Celestia.”
“Card please.”
Celestia handed over her casualty card. The medic read it and snorted.
“Tell you what, it’s been a long day. We’re going to do this by the book.” Changing his tone to something more formal, the medic continued. “As I am not skilled in providing medical attention to the Equestrian pony named Celestia, I will defer to the judgement of the Equestrian representative, Princess Celestia.”
Celestia giggled.
“Princess Celestia, given the symptoms exhibited by the patient Celestia, what is your opinion?”
“Clean bill of health.”
“Well then, seeing as Celestia is healthy and wholesome, she no longer requires the medical services of the United States Army Medical Corps. As such, I release her to the authority of Princess Celestia.”
“How long has today been?” Celestia asked.
“Very. Mind if I ask why you rode over here in the back of a medical truck?”
“Well, really I just wanted a look around here. I was here the other day, but it was on a bit of a guided tour. What I really love to do is just get out and experience things, without all that politics getting in the way. “
“Well, the Rangers throw the best parties, and they’re off on the far west edge of camp. They've got the best beer too. If you can find me, I'll run you a saline IV. It's the best way to beat a hangover.”
With that the medic pushed his partially filled out paperwork off his folding-table and into a trash can, then picked up his pen and walked away, leaving Celestia to her own devices.
It was much later in the afternoon by the time Celestia had managed to work her way back to the castle, specifically to the captured ‘war-room’ that she’d spent most of the day hunched over a set of maps.
The room was in shambles, the walls marked with flecks of paint from the American gunfire, the tables and chairs flung every which way during the ‘last stand’. The floor itself could barely be seen, covered with so many loose papers. Despite the mountain of disarray, a small army of custodial staff were already fighting a new war: to get the castle’s dining room back in action for a formal dinner reception to be held that night, celebrating the culmination of the first Equestrian-American combined exercise.
Several of the cleaners were eyeing one of the tables, distaste evident on their muzzles. Princess Celestia walked over, and had to suppress a chuckle. The tabletop was covered with a single piece of graffiti, big block letters spelling out a single phrase: “Wagner Loves The Cock.”
One of the ponies made to start cleaning it off, but Princess Celestia stopped them. She knew the perfect place to display it: smack dab in the center of the corridor leading from Luna's tower. The perfect place to driver her dearest sister absolutely batty.
"No, don't clean it off," she said. "This is a commemorative of the first Equestrian-American wargames. It's a piece of history, and as such needs to be properly preserved. We’re going to have to mount it somewhere. Fortunately, I know just the place for it."
The portal backstory is an infodump. Even turning it into a genuine flashback would be an improvement. Overall the writing could stand to show more and tell less. Take a look at how San Palomino organically crafts its world.
I'm really not your target audience. I don't mix ponies with guns and war. Still the twist was an interesting one, as was how Celestia acted through the whole aftermath. It struck me as too casual and familiar, but then again that's pure opinion.
The last joke needs some revising; you're giving the punchline and then dragging on for another paragraph. Flip the last two paragraphs and then make any related revisions.
I'm really not your target audience. I don't mix ponies with guns and war. Still the twist was an interesting one, as was how Celestia acted through the whole aftermath. It struck me as too casual and familiar, but then again that's pure opinion.
The last joke needs some revising; you're giving the punchline and then dragging on for another paragraph. Flip the last two paragraphs and then make any related revisions.
I think GunsxPonies is a risky topic, because it's something people have Feelings about while also being completely unaddressed in the show, leaving it open to 'my headcannon is better than yours' style of arguments. And those... rarely go much of anywhere, it seems?
Anyways, I do think subverting your opening was a good call. And I appreciate that the story continues past that reveal, even if it doesn't seem to be doing much with the extra words.
In the end, I'm not sure what to make of it; it ends on a joke, but it doesn't really feel like a comedy. It deals with what could be very heavy topics, but doesn't seem to be making much of them, so it doesn't really feel like a drama. There's fighting and exploring, but I'm not sure it's an adventure.
I feel like I end up saying 'stories lack cohesion' a lot in my reviews, and I'm not sure if that's helpful. :/ But yeah, I think all I can say about this is I'm not really sure what it's trying to do, so I have a hard time drawing any strong conclusions about it. It's passably well written, pulls off some interesting narrative stunts (that bit with the dialogue in italics was different, and mostly worked) but it doesn't seem to have a bigger picture.
Anyways, I do think subverting your opening was a good call. And I appreciate that the story continues past that reveal, even if it doesn't seem to be doing much with the extra words.
In the end, I'm not sure what to make of it; it ends on a joke, but it doesn't really feel like a comedy. It deals with what could be very heavy topics, but doesn't seem to be making much of them, so it doesn't really feel like a drama. There's fighting and exploring, but I'm not sure it's an adventure.
I feel like I end up saying 'stories lack cohesion' a lot in my reviews, and I'm not sure if that's helpful. :/ But yeah, I think all I can say about this is I'm not really sure what it's trying to do, so I have a hard time drawing any strong conclusions about it. It's passably well written, pulls off some interesting narrative stunts (that bit with the dialogue in italics was different, and mostly worked) but it doesn't seem to have a bigger picture.
Celestia gave a sultry wink
What kind of wink?
Anyway. I don't have any particular interest in pony fanfiction involving war, guns, the military, or humans in general, but I still read through it all and my veredict is... It's okay. It's all I really have to say.
This feels almost as a middle chapter of a longer story about HumanxPony relations. Some of the Slice of Life segments were genuinely funny to read and the whole story has a nice vibe from the twist onwards. However, they do feel like a series of segments one after another, several glimpses into a day of military excercise.
It was entertaining, but I'm left wondering what's the overall purpose? What story are you trying to tell? Right now it only feels like the filler part of a story, the fluff between the actual plot.
So, not bad... But nothing to write home about either.
I think the twist pigeon-holed this story into glossing over a lot of interesting things that could have explored, namely how the negotiations went and how all the ponies of Equestria reacted.
I admit the twist was quite a shock, but mostly in a sense of relief that I wouldn't be reading any more about a messy war. I'm not the best at visualising things, and the entire war sequence left me quite dizzy.
The concluding banter between Celestia and the military men was much more comfortable. The way the soldiers talked seemed very on point and funny in a boisterous way. Notably, the exchange between Celestia and the medic gave me Catch-22 vibes.
I admit the twist was quite a shock, but mostly in a sense of relief that I wouldn't be reading any more about a messy war. I'm not the best at visualising things, and the entire war sequence left me quite dizzy.
The concluding banter between Celestia and the military men was much more comfortable. The way the soldiers talked seemed very on point and funny in a boisterous way. Notably, the exchange between Celestia and the medic gave me Catch-22 vibes.
I'm just gonna ask. Why is Celestia personally involving herself in war games instead of delegating the task to one of her subordinates? Why not Shining Armor, or Spitfire, or one of the other high-ranking members of whatever military body Equestria has in this universe?
Because while her interactions with the rank-and-file Americans are kinda fun, the story is asking me to stretch my suspension of disbelief to justify her presence there at all, and said suspension is already strained by the story's mere premise.
Nitpicks aside, this story's comic punches didn't really land with me. I agree that the final scene feels like a weak note to end on, but the only line that actually got me to laugh was the recycled bit from the show about her hair doing that fwooshy-shimmery thing.
Although I do agree with the Catch-22-yness of the bit with the medic.
>>Feris
Yeah, same, although for different reasons. I just found it really unpleasant to read about. It's similar to Starlight's and Spike's Romantic Dilemma in that it takes way too long to get to the joke and kinda loses me along the way.
Eh, but it's alright, I guess. 8/10.
Because while her interactions with the rank-and-file Americans are kinda fun, the story is asking me to stretch my suspension of disbelief to justify her presence there at all, and said suspension is already strained by the story's mere premise.
Nitpicks aside, this story's comic punches didn't really land with me. I agree that the final scene feels like a weak note to end on, but the only line that actually got me to laugh was the recycled bit from the show about her hair doing that fwooshy-shimmery thing.
Although I do agree with the Catch-22-yness of the bit with the medic.
>>Feris
I admit the twist was quite a shock, but mostly in a sense of relief that I wouldn't be reading any more about a messy war.
Yeah, same, although for different reasons. I just found it really unpleasant to read about. It's similar to Starlight's and Spike's Romantic Dilemma in that it takes way too long to get to the joke and kinda loses me along the way.
Eh, but it's alright, I guess. 8/10.
The writing here is very good, but there are some things that make the story seem awkward to me.
I found the beginning so unpalatable that I almost didn't get to the twist. Since the story doesn't revolve around the twist, withholding that information doesn't serve much of a purpose but to split the story in twain.
I find Celestia giving a sultry wink to a human soldier to be completely out of character. That's way too far, especially during a political event. It also doesn't match her slightly-cold exterior in the following scene.
The title doesn't match what you wrote about. Shouldn't you have provided that scene?
I don't understand why Princess Luna wasn't part of the exercise. That makes no sense.
The ending is non sequitur. I realize this is a character piece about Celestia, but I don't think that adds anything to her character, nor does it make much sense that Luna would tolerate it.
Either way, there is too much redundancy in the last two paragraphs, and you really need to foreshadow the strained relationship of the Sisters if you want to end the story with it.
I found the beginning so unpalatable that I almost didn't get to the twist. Since the story doesn't revolve around the twist, withholding that information doesn't serve much of a purpose but to split the story in twain.
I find Celestia giving a sultry wink to a human soldier to be completely out of character. That's way too far, especially during a political event. It also doesn't match her slightly-cold exterior in the following scene.
The title doesn't match what you wrote about. Shouldn't you have provided that scene?
I don't understand why Princess Luna wasn't part of the exercise. That makes no sense.
The ending is non sequitur. I realize this is a character piece about Celestia, but I don't think that adds anything to her character, nor does it make much sense that Luna would tolerate it.
Either way, there is too much redundancy in the last two paragraphs, and you really need to foreshadow the strained relationship of the Sisters if you want to end the story with it.
I'll add:
A couple little nitpicks that I don't think anyone else has mentioned 'cause the basic story here is pretty fun. First, Celestia knows that this is an exercise, so why does she think, "Was it possible that those friends she’d made over cocktails had orchestrated this attack?" With this being the first joint training game between two newly allied powers, I would've thought that the humans planning the thing would've been very careful to include Celestia in every step of the process. But then I've never been in the military so I don't know how it's done.
Also? All those dragonfire messages popping in and out at the beginning makes me think there must be dragons involved somewhere. Maybe just a line or two about that?
Mike
A couple little nitpicks that I don't think anyone else has mentioned 'cause the basic story here is pretty fun. First, Celestia knows that this is an exercise, so why does she think, "Was it possible that those friends she’d made over cocktails had orchestrated this attack?" With this being the first joint training game between two newly allied powers, I would've thought that the humans planning the thing would've been very careful to include Celestia in every step of the process. But then I've never been in the military so I don't know how it's done.
Also? All those dragonfire messages popping in and out at the beginning makes me think there must be dragons involved somewhere. Maybe just a line or two about that?
Mike
I was set to bottom-slate this because I really, really hate 'Humans and ponies inexplicably go to war and humans murder Equestria' stories, and thankfully this subverted it in time, but let me echo the others that you'll want to shorten the initial fakeout and get to the 'twist' faster.
Your core story here is really 'Celestia wants to let her mane down', and everything else seems backdrop - so that's where the bulk of the telling should be, but it's not there yet. Still, there's bits of laughter here - like the prank on Luna it ends with - to make me think there's hope for it to be strengthened with editing work.
Your core story here is really 'Celestia wants to let her mane down', and everything else seems backdrop - so that's where the bulk of the telling should be, but it's not there yet. Still, there's bits of laughter here - like the prank on Luna it ends with - to make me think there's hope for it to be strengthened with editing work.
Judging by comments, this one seems likely to wash out in preliminaries. (Having read all the stories, I scored it 35% myself.) So it's important for me to get this word of encouragement in while I still can, author:
I am actively hoping I can read the finished version of this story on FIMFiction.
You're getting a lot of critique about your choice of genre. I can't condemn readers for that — Writeoff scoring is necessarily (and explicitly) a subjective process; personal enjoyment of a story is a completely legitimate factor — but it's important to draw a distinction between "this story scored low because it sucks" and "this story scored low because people were bouncing off of it". That's one reason I really appreciate that the Writeoffs have such a strong tradition of reviewing along with rating. Getting reasons for readers' reactions helps you figure out which problems are actionable and which can be chalked up to audience mismatches.
That said, I did score this low myself, so clearly I do perceive problems in it. In order from smallest to biggest:
1) Celestia's outright propositioning of the crude soldier broke me out of the story hard.
(Her character otherwise was great. The conversations with the other individual soldiers/medics are gold.)
2) The comments about the lengthy stretch before the reveal are worth listening to. You have a story here that's a lot deeper and cooler than the generic Humanity Fuck Yeah warfic you're subverting. You're kind of falling afoul of Poe's Law, though; I forced myself through the early story for Writeoff judging purposes, and I can't tell you the relief I felt when I realized that this wasn't what it appeared to be. However, for a HFY Equestria-invasion fic, I still can't deny that that first scene is vivid and creative and strongly done.
3) Most importantly — and this, by itself, is what kept this story out of my top five — the story as submitted simply feels fragmentary. You have the awkward opening run-up, several smashingly awesome scenes, and then the story faceplants to a halt before you ever actually reach the titular bonding. That last mini-scene doesn't really work on its own and certainly doesn't work to wrap the story up. The overall effect feels more like exposition than plot.
I strongly suspect you had more great ideas that got cut for time, and I want to see them.
Tier: Needs Work
I am actively hoping I can read the finished version of this story on FIMFiction.
You're getting a lot of critique about your choice of genre. I can't condemn readers for that — Writeoff scoring is necessarily (and explicitly) a subjective process; personal enjoyment of a story is a completely legitimate factor — but it's important to draw a distinction between "this story scored low because it sucks" and "this story scored low because people were bouncing off of it". That's one reason I really appreciate that the Writeoffs have such a strong tradition of reviewing along with rating. Getting reasons for readers' reactions helps you figure out which problems are actionable and which can be chalked up to audience mismatches.
That said, I did score this low myself, so clearly I do perceive problems in it. In order from smallest to biggest:
1) Celestia's outright propositioning of the crude soldier broke me out of the story hard.
(Her character otherwise was great. The conversations with the other individual soldiers/medics are gold.)
2) The comments about the lengthy stretch before the reveal are worth listening to. You have a story here that's a lot deeper and cooler than the generic Humanity Fuck Yeah warfic you're subverting. You're kind of falling afoul of Poe's Law, though; I forced myself through the early story for Writeoff judging purposes, and I can't tell you the relief I felt when I realized that this wasn't what it appeared to be. However, for a HFY Equestria-invasion fic, I still can't deny that that first scene is vivid and creative and strongly done.
3) Most importantly — and this, by itself, is what kept this story out of my top five — the story as submitted simply feels fragmentary. You have the awkward opening run-up, several smashingly awesome scenes, and then the story faceplants to a halt before you ever actually reach the titular bonding. That last mini-scene doesn't really work on its own and certainly doesn't work to wrap the story up. The overall effect feels more like exposition than plot.
I strongly suspect you had more great ideas that got cut for time, and I want to see them.
Tier: Needs Work
