Honestly, I like the beginning a lot more than I like the end. There's an excellent sense of longing and melancholy in the first scene that really just evaporates once Leah starts speaking, which I think is a bit of a shame. I suspect it is also part of the point. That said, I still think reigning in her child-like glee would be a little better. Weird as it is to say, it feels out of character with the Leah in the first scene.

Like, unsure if this connects to the author, but I'm thinking a bit more like Gene Starwind in Outlaw Star talking about space with the prostitute kinda joy and wonder. Just something a bit quieter and more somber.

Beyond that, as others have said, this is a pleasant scene, but not much of a story. You've got the start of something, though.

6 paragraphs in a row start with "I." There are some other small technical snafus, but that's the big one.

Otherwise, I like this well enough. It could probably stand to be a bit shorter though? There is a very long lead to the meat of the story, and I think it would be a net positive to tighten it up a bit.

Otherwise I think the message is fine. This kind of reminds me of my foray into game design. I was not good at it, admittedly, but I also hated coding. Like legit did not enjoy it. And in cases like that, I think it's fine to pack it in.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. That's the common phrasing of it, and it is hella distracting to see it "wrong" in a story that is attempting to cite it as the basis of things going on.

Beyond that... yeah, you can't quite leave the reader hanging this badly. I suspect Front is right about the content, but honestly, you have to give us -something- to go on. There's strong emotion, but no real basis for that emotion, and without that? It is sound and fury signifying nothing.

Beyond that, definitely needs an editorial pass. Lot of little errors scattered all through.

I think this story tries a little too much to have its cake and eat it too. The characters are too human, except not. You're kind of in a deep uncanny value, where you make gestures towards him being a program/uploaded existence, but then you use very human language for what he does anyway.

Moreover, the end doesn't really resonate with me. I'm not quite sure why P3T3R feels the way he does in the end.

I dunno. All told, this just ends up feeling a bit disjointed to me.

I am honestly not quite sure what to do with this.

At a general level, the fundamentals here need a lot of work. Lot of typos, awkward narrative flow, etc. As a result, it is, unfortunately, pretty much unintelligible to me. I do disagree with the broad commentary re: writing allegory (the later bits don't really add to that), but beyond that... yeah, I really don't have a lot I can mine out of this.

Basic advice is really just focus on cleaning up the fundamentals first.

I can partly relate to the character you’re describing. Some of the elements you lay out actually I could write down myself, like the impression of having squandered my engineering degree and the diffuse lack of self-confidence which pervades this otherwise navel-grazing story.

Otherwise, I have to agree with all that has been written about it up to now. It feels more like a cathartic binge than a true story.

I'm pretty much agreed with >>JudgeDeadd on this one. Good writing and good tone, but lacks tension, I think.

It's an interesting character study type story, but it doesn't dive a whole lot deeper than that. There's not much room to dive with a minific, I suppose, but yeah, maybe a bigger struggle would've helped, since it did feel like he overtook those people pretty easily.

This feels very light. The struggle presented is a light struggle. Leah's dream of going to Ganymede seems more of a moderate desire. I don't think all stories should be "I need this story goal 100% badly with all my being", but the flipside of writing a character with a light-feeling goal means I don't really feel much for her in the end other than "Yeah, I guess it'd be nice if she went to Ganymede".

I think establishing the conflict was done well. It's shown that the planet living conditions are not the best and she'd like to be somewhere else. I'm also interested in Leah because (and I think someone else pointed this out before) it seems she's almost a bit hopelessly optimistic, basing her knowledge of the scent of Ganymede on perfume from a perfume stand, almost like she's grasping at straws for only a hint of what Ganymede is like.

In all, interesting character, interesting setup, but like the others, I feel like this is only a start to a longer story, because it feels like we haven't gotten to the good part yet, y'know?

I think I'm not the target audience for this, either.

This was a very pleasant read (and I could've sworn Dubs wrote this, had he actually entered this time around) but the narration has a poetic quality to it that affects this sort of higher possible meaning. Or at least, I assume so, because there's not really a whole lot here on the surface. It's really just a light exploration of writing, the conflict of whether writing is worthwhile, and procrastinating, and calling yourself a writer even if you don't write. I feel like they're just small dips into these ideas and not much else. I feel like I wanted something to tie it together.

Maybe all these feelings confirm that you are, in fact, a writer if you feel them? That they're natural and common feelings for a writer? I feel like I'm longing for structure, even though as Kwirky points out, that may be the point: structured non-structure.

I dunno. Pleasant read, but to paraphrase Mr. Plinkett, I felt like I was eating icing without cake.

The bitter sarcasm here is too one-note. It doesn't feel all that imaginative or clever. I think there are better ways to do this type of a story (for instance, I enjoyed Waiting: The Simple Solution to All Problems quite a bit) that don't feel as flat.

The wall of text doesn't help. Also, in a comedy, not every sentence has to be a joke. One joke every paragraph is a good rule of thumb, generally. Otherwise it comes across as a little obnoxious, especially if the jokes are kind of stale.

This has an artsy feel to it with the archaic-type language that tips me off that I might not be the target audience. It was a decent read, though.

I'm not sure comparing writing to a battle is all that interesting, but I like the message. Perhaps I'm a bit numb from the meta fics about writing we've had this round. Not sure if it appeals to me here. I didn't get all that invested, but again, probably not the target audience for this kind of nazel gaving.

I don't have much to complain about here. The writing is pleasant, it tells a complete story, and the theme fits the prompt well. I recognized the Sisyphus without that Greek thing, but I'm not sure the Greek thing would've helped that much for me anyway if I didn't.

I think there's nothing structurally or mechanically wrong with the story, but maybe I'm just put off a bit by the old man. Just seems a bit too vague, condescending maybe, the way he laughs about what's happening. I don't really get it.

Again, I don't really have much to complain about. The story seems fine and actually pretty good. However, personally it felt a bit off to me.

No, I'm probably not going to fuck you.

I think this would work better by saving it until the last sentence and coming up with something more original, like, (Story to be continued four Writeoffs from now, rules permitting. Let me read up on sequelae—well, fuck.)

Well, I don't have much to say. I don't relate much to the character hereby depicted, since I never wanted to be on centre stage. Limelight is not for me, I'm the extreme opposite of an ambitious. I just try to live my life as easily as possible and making everyone around me happy is my prime reward.

So, not much to say here, except: it serves them right.

In order to become president you have to be really good at what you do, and you surround yourself with the people and knowhow in order to make the gears of the world turn.

Suuuuuure you do. :ajbemused:

I like the message, but I feel the story was too long and the ending too predictable. The entire thing seems a little author-tracty because you're using dialogue as a thin veil to state opinion. I feel like that veil is too thin for the story to work well.

I like it, but I have one primary issue. There's no mention of the protagonist trying to understand what human enjoy about existence, or even its perception of why humans prefer to exist. Without lampshading that, it sort of sounds like you're advocating the position that anypony who is smart enough should immediately kill themself, which is a very different message than what I perceive the intended message of the story to be.

I would suggest something where the protagonist tries to contemplate and understand humanity's fear of death and moments of joy that make life worth living, but comes up empty because its programming explicitly does not permit it to form positive experiences of that sort. It doesn't need to be heavy-hooved, but I think at least a hint of that should be in the story in order for it to make rational sense.

Minor things: two similes with the same sentence structure in a row at the start of the story felt a little repetitious. Why not use metaphors? Also, it seems odd that the protagonist is reflecting upon that period of pre-knowledge in post-knowledge terms, and it feels unnatural without mention of the fact that they were only able to put words around the experience once the data consumption began. Finally, the phrase "...only their data..." was confusing, so I'd suggest something like, "...their data was the only thing..." instead.

I'm not sure if you intended the link to Flowers for Algernon, and I'm not sure if it's a problem or not.

I was momentarily bothered by the initial perspective shifts, but they landed seamlessly into the narrative's attempt at painting a picture of the protagonist. I wouldn't change a thing about that.

It's a good story, but I don't understand the ending. Did he just trap the dog before the dog could cause mayhem? At the end of the story, you suggest that the cow manure was what would allow the flowers to grow, but that stands completely in opposition to the rest of the story because it should no longer be necessary. Consequently, the message is muddied a little.

First and foremost, I wouldn't use a well-known song title as the name of this story. Even though it may be tangentially related, it's either going to serve as an unnecessary spoiler or be off the mark. I really think it is a mistake in this case.

I don't think you should end the story on "the big NO" because that's super-cliche and adds nothing to the message but artificial emotion. It makes it seem like you intended the story to be a joke, and I don't think that was your intent. I definitely feel the story is much better with the last two paras stricken.

I don't quite buy the naivete of the doctor. Most doctors would not react that way at all (he's still judgmental as hell), and the protagonist's situation is reasonably common.

>>GroaningGreyAgony
I didn't feel that plea coming through at all. I actually felt the message was diametrically opposed to that.

It's hard to pull off something like this without it seeming exposition-heavy, and the latter third of the story feels exposition-heavy to me. Reminiscing just doesn't sound like this. I think you should have stayed a little more subtle and found a different way to convey history than through direct dialogue.

I think the allusion to Mother Theresa is heavy-hoofed, even though you tried to be coy. People will be upset with this story. I don't think bringing her into the conversation makes the story better. I feel you should use something less obvious with a similar feeling—this is not the kind of story in which it is appropriate to portray your personal views on what constitutes "goodness", in my opinion, because you start to lose the message.

I'm left confused about how this can be an unexpected stalemate, given that mortal views of "good" and "evil" are invariably relative, so there will always be a stalemate at any point in history. It seems strange to me that this issue isn't touched upon.

So, unfortunately, for me, this just takes the aspects of both Sunlight and Other Things and Performance Eval that bugged me and combines them into something I just really don't enjoy.

That said, writing is decent and I can certainly empathize with the narrator, just... yeah. Not my kind of piece.

Watch changing your metaphors. The addition of the boat thing is a bad idea, IMO. Stick to one core idea and don't bring in other metaphors.

No suggestions.

The largest problem for me is that I'm not certain how this all works, given that the loop you illustrate is precisely matched, which means it's also completely predestined, so it isn't really a trap with an out at all. Even if somepony wanted to let the other go, there's no way they could. It's like a etching presented with the idea that it presents an ethical dilemma—but it isn't; it's just an etching.

I think the beginning dash and the mention of 'temporal loop' both steal some of the punch of the story, but it's still very inventive.

I'm left wondering too much about the people who were responsible for setting the loop. That feels unfinished to me.

While it must seem quite debonair
to reuse your rhymes everywhere
(as done 10 times with hair and heir),
I feel your choice could use repair.
It makes me, as a reader, glare
And turn to Muse in silent prayer.

Whence came this surfeit of words "-air"?
Were they just laying 'round your lair,
or hiding underneath the stair?
Did they come free with Medicare?
Are you a Batman billionaire?
Please make it stop, I do declare! [*]

Alright, now, that's enough of that.
Let's restate, being not so pat.

Your rhyme scheme that's a sea of A's [**]
Is leaving me in quite a daze.

Writeoff poems? I approve!
But your odd choice meant this won't move

Atop my slate, or in that league.
Such tight constraints create fatigue.

I do appreciate the tact
With which you tried to dodge this fact

By sometimes breaking random lines
And for my cash, the ending's fine;

But hair-heir-where-there diarrhea
Just made this choice a bad idea.

A noble try. I'd like to see
Your verse allowed to run more free.

Until then, I'm a grumpy bear
Who rates your tier as 'Almost There'.

--
[*] I would like to note for the benefit of readers that none of these 11 end-rhymes were used in the 64 lines of the original poem, despite virtually every line using words in that rhyme set.
[**] When a poem's rhyme scheme is analyzed, it's traditional to group lines with matching rhymes by assigning them a unique letter. So my comment above, for example, would be summarized as AAAAAA AAAAAA BB CC DD...etc.

>>QuillScratch is right regarding the punctuation on this one, as well as the placement of the link.

That said, while I generally enjoyed this, I have a fundamental issue with the story's pacing itself. Basically, you're selling the story as a thriller, but it really doesn't have a thriller's pacing. Once you understand the nature of the time loop it makes more sense, but, before that, it just kinda sucks away all the suspense that you feel you should be having. To that end, I'm not sure the time loop itself being a reveal is the right idea. I kinda suspect you might be better served to lead with the loop and then reveal the inevitable hopelessness further in.

Also, some of your similes and metaphors are weird.

Still, good fun.

Well I know I'm not the target audience for straight-up poetry so I'm not going to have much to say.

I will say beneath the fancy wordage, I felt something real from this. Namely, "Dust." gave me chills. The story's not all that new or inventive in terms of plot, I'd say, but it captured a feeling pretty darn well. Not a slate topper for me, but up there.

Well folks, we're doing pretty darn well with reviews so far, but there are just a few more stories that could use some extra love:

5 unique commentors:
In-between the worlds

6 unique commentors:
Why Gardening is So Good for You
Losing the Struggle
Endless Struggle™
To Be Free
Machine

Let's bring 'em all up to seven! It's a good number, after all -v-b

Mostly agreed with >>JudgeDeadd here. Too vague for me to get invested in, and I feel like I didn't have an opportunity to care about the characters. I also feel like I didn't have enough time/words to absorb what was going on, exactly, and I don't really have the time or energy for story-puzzles.

Agreed with >>Monokeras about the POV change in the middle. I had to double- and triple-take the start of the scene because I assumed it was still the original narrator and it wasn't clear that it was Fiora.

I think this could do with less sentences that begin with a conjunction (and, but, etc.). I do it too, but not quite this much. I think it's okay to use sparingly in first person POV or dialogue, but overusing it can be distracting. I took a second look, and I think what I meant to say was incomplete sentences. Some of them started with conjunctions, so I thought that was the problem.

Also, agreed with >>AndrewRogue on the "I"s. The repetition can be an "I"-sore (ba-dum-tsh).

However, it's a nice little slice of life piece. It's got a theme, a character that I like and can relate to, and a story arc. I don't really have much else to say about it.

That's it for the under-reviewed stories I hadn't yet reviewed. All I have left now are... the rest :o

This is a creative and interesting story, but I think it needs some work.

First off, the story focuses on a choice by the protagonist, but it also seems to suggest the protagonist has no choice at all. That lack of choice steals from the punch of the story: it isn't a true sacrifice if the protagonist has no hope of being saved.

The narrative is very telly. The spoon-fed backstory detracts from the suspense you want me to feel. One obvious solution is that you could have had the virus trigger bits of memories that exactly fit what you wanted to show the audience.

I don't understand why this conflict is happening, and since the conflict is most of the story, it makes the ending feel incomplete. Why did this just happen? I don't know if it's because the remaining non-uploaded humans are crazy, because they're desperate for resources and they're just trying to steal them (in which case this seems like the most unlikely place to do that), or because they're racist against the uploaded.

Also, how is Jupiter station safe when the spacecraft is damaged? I'd presume it's because the station has better defenses, but then why can't it help to defend the ship if it's that close to the station? Why is the communication one-sided, given the nearness?

Using number substitutions in names is a cheap cliche to make names seem robotic, which removes some of the humanity you're trying to project (and either way I don't like it). Also, I use Georgia as a default serif font, and this makes the names look atrocious because numbers are differently-leveled. This is probably because numbers aren't intended to be mixed with letters in general writing.

It should be "triple-checked" with the hyphen.

What are you trying to do with this story? It starts out serious, turns extremely silly in a not-very-humorous way, and then ends on a somewhat serious note. Both transitions are jarring, especially the last one. I was disappointed when it became so random, but at that point I expected a feghoot to be the ending.

I'm very confused.

...ah. I see others mention this is an inside joke from the Writeoff chat.

My criticism still applies, and in-jokes aren't a good idea. A story needs to stand on its own, without references the audience can't get. This is one of the reasons that kind of thing is banned on Fimfiction (although I doubt it's enforced, because it's nearly impossible to do).

I just realized another problem. This time loop is not five minutes long. We're talking two minutes, tops, and even that's a stretch.

Also, who's to say the Council wouldn't just reward the one who gives the staff away by letting them go instead? Seems like dropping the staff and letting the other guy have it is the best option.

>>JudgeDeadd
>>Trick_Question
>>AndrewRogue (maybe)
I feel like I should clarify my comment about in-jokes.

The story as a whole is not an in-joke. For the most part, it is based off another writeoff story, The Unsung Ballad of Roger Wilco, wherein Roger is running the writeoff servers in the Australian outback as part of a world domination plan, or something. I can't remember exactly. Project Black Locus, apparently. It turned the concept of the writeoff into sci-fi, basically.

The concept of the story itself is not an in-joke. I think I really misspoke when I inferred it was, and I apologize. The in-joke part is simply who Ali is based off of, and those not in the Discord chat might not know what it is. But ultimately, knowing who it is doesn't change the interpreation of this story. It's more of a sprinkle. The rest of the story seems unrelated to this person.

Again, I apologize if my comment was misleading. I think I saw that and it triggered my unusual distaste for in-jokes, and sort of unfairly made it sound like a bigger problem than it actually was. I'm sorry, author.

But please, don't write off the whole story for being an in-joke, because that's really not the case here. Knowing who Pallada, helium2, Alicorness, etc. are based off of really isn't necessary to read the story.

>>FrontSevens >>Astrarian >>Monokeras

I can't understand these responses. I think this one is masterfully done, and neither boring nor confusing.

>>Not_A_Hat >>Monokeras

The processor thing, admittedly, threw me at the beginning too. I was able to ignore it because it didn't matter, but it did stand out to myself, a girl who teaches computer engineering at a university.

For those interested, a processor of that speed would need to fit entirely within a sphere 20 nanometers in diameter. (I'm dividing roughly 40 nanometers in half to account for the inevitable twists and turns in a circuit, which is probably generous. The slowdown through media could be negligible by comparison.)

The problem is that the 'walls' that divide circuit from non-circuit would need to be composed out of atoms that are very large at that scale. At minimum (using Lithium as a barrier), the atoms would need to be 0.3 nm in diameter. Try to build a complex maze on graph paper within a circle 65 squares wide, where the walls need to be one square thick at minimum. Even if you did this in three dimensions, you wouldn't have enough space to do anything reasonable.

And that's ignoring the fact that there needs to be some material way of storing and retrieving information, forming logic gates, etc. This isn't just unfeasible, it's completely ridiculous. But only nerds like me are likely to notice that, and I didn't personally care because, once again, it had nothing to do with the story.

6.1 Terahertz might be possible in theory. But graphics cards are rated in Teraflops! How is that possible? It's because there are lots of calculations going on at the same time (in parallel). What makes a computer powerful isn't how fast the chip goes (as long as it's reasonably fast), but how many chips there are and how well the computer can multitask computations.

>>Trick_Question

I can't understand these responses. I think this one is masterfully done, and neither boring nor confusing.

Well I guess I'm just not as smart as you then?

There's a lot of technical language here. It's harder to follow for us simpletons, I suppose.

>>-
I agree. I didn't think there was anything "funny" about this story until the last two paras, at which point it gets goofy with a tired cliche.

Oddly enough, I read this as a comedy. If that was not your intention, author, I'm sorry, but I see hints here or there that tell me it's a comedy.

I was feeling the hard fatigue of playing videogames all day

From the first line already, I'm getting the "gamer thinks he's all that for being a hardcore gamer" vibe.

Besides the obvious otaku stuff, I'm also getting edgelord vibes from the main character, such as:

I can jump if I focus and when the evening light slants just right through the dusty plastic blinds or if the music is loud I can do it.

I kneel and kiss her feet and the warmth of her skin sends shivers through my animated corpse.

I could be misreading maybe, but it tipped me off, and for the rest of the piece I had a goofy grin on my face while I read. It's funny in how ridiculous it is. In fact, this line?

I get the checks every so often because my family is dead.

The one everyone points out as a problem? This line got me to snort a little extra air through my nose. It just tops off the sort of ridiculous nature of the story for me.

I think what this story needs are more hints that it's a comedy. More lines that are more obviously tuned to get a laugh. Sometimes it's hard to tell whether the story is trying to crack a joke or not, which I think is why people are taking this more seriously. I think it needs more jokes to tip people off that this is, in fact, a comedy.

That's assuming this story is trying to go for a comedy. If not, then I'm not sure what to say. I'll refer you to the other reviewers here then if that's the case.

>>Cassius
I agree with this too.

I'm curious what the author intended, but if I had to make a guess, I'd say 60% likely it was intended to be a comedy because I can't ignore the ending. The rest of the story feels dead serious to me.

>>Monokeras
I'd have to assume the orbit is around a degenerate metal core, and probably not far from it.

>>ShortNSweet's interpretation makes the most sense to me.

Unfortunately, I couldn't quite follow this on my own. I ran into some of the same logical issues that >>KwirkyJ encountered. The cornocopia line makes me think the small tree was alive before the big tree, and if that's true, and they're the same type of tree, why did the other one get way bigger in a shorter lifespan?

I think it's fine otherwise. In fact, pretty good. It's a little dense for me, though: I think there's just a tad too much going on given the wordspan for me to digest it all.

I'm familiar with what a filibuster is, and though it could make for an interesting story, I don't think this quite captures my imagination.

I think >>Not_A_Hat put it really well:

This story is basically about someone struggling to waste time. Is it really so surprising that most people felt it was kinda bleh?

The story mostly focuses on the senator struggling to keep reading and being tired, and the reactions from everyone else in the room, but doesn't really speak to the senator's specific emotions about this. It's stated early on why he's doing a filibuster, but more of his emotions related to trying to delay the senate would've helped to make this story more personal and feel more real and engaging. I think "opposing for the principle" and 'murica and all that is a bit too generic to feel personal. Why is this senator, specifically, standing up for this, as opposed to any other senator? Something to think about, I suppose.

The ending feels deflating. It almost paints the Speaker as a strawman, since someone talking "out his nose" is usually seen as snobbish, if I'm not mistaken.

>>FrontSevens
I'm a complete asshat, and I am sorry.

I'm done reviewing, thank Luna. (I was already done, it's not you.)

There's a couple of things that I don't really care for in this story.

The first has been pointed out already. She says she doesn't believe in a higher power, and yet believes (seemingly randomly) that a sun goddess is keeping her sober.

The other thing I want to point out is I feel like this was not the most interesting scene to pick to frame the story with. This scene takes place when the hardest of the conflict has passed. In fact, there's barely any conflict in the current scene at all, besides the underlying but muted fight to stay sober. It just doesn't feel as engaging when the character describes things that already had happened. It puts more emphasis on the logic and the idea surrounding how this character chose to stay sober, which is why I think many people took issue with the sun goddess thing, because that's what the focus is now.

This may be helpful for some people who are struggling with addiction. It didn't do much for me, though.

>>Trick_Question
It's okay. I just didn't like being singled out in that way, is all.

This feels like the type of story that someone might tell me as something that happened to them today. The problem is that a great deal of the story is just describing events that happened, with only a few reactions from the narrator sprinkled in. The few reactions there are make the story seem trivial to the narrator:

This is nothing to me,

Crap, I forgot to refill again.

(a casual "Crap" doesn't make it sound like he was all that devastated)

The trek to the station was long, but manageable.

Things like this suggest that the events happening are inconvenient, but not really all that bad. That's a problem, I think, because if the character doesn't really think much of it, we don't think much of it. If the character isn't feeling a strong emotion, we empathize / take the cue and don't feel a strong emotion.

It's what happened with me. I don't feel strongly about this story one way or the other. Sorry to say it, but it's a fairly forgettable slice of life piece.

There's not much of the plot here. I think the emphasis is on the characters and the idea more than a plot. It's not much, but it's pretty all right.

It's an interesting concept, and these are interesting characters. They have some interesting back and forth. However, I feel like the idea doesn't really go anywhere further.

The narrative is sort of formal, as are the characters. They're speaking pretty much only about business-type stuff, so it feels a tad stiff. They also sound similar as far as how they speak and how they react to each other. I guess I would've liked them to be more distinct, because if you asked me what the difference between the two characters is, all I could say is one's a female angel and the other's a male demon.

Not bad on the whole, though.

Awesome. I think I've just read, ranked, and reviewed all the stories! That'd be a first :o All before finals, too!

It's probably because it's a minific round, and an o-fic round, so it's a lower turnout than usual... but, you know, baby steps. ^^;

Decent dialogue beats, cute idea, but I'm left kind of... eh? This is more of a scene or start of a setting than a story. You might have wanted to focus on the assignment of a single individual to really nail this as an actual story.

Moreover, I realize most of these are inversions, but most of these are easy targets and obvious inversions. The mass murderer ends up good, the saint ends up bad, etc.

Characterization is a bit of a weak point too. Both characters feel much like exhausted bureaucrats with very little to actually separate them.

I dunno. This isn't bad, but it just feels like it comes up short.

Thank you Author.

I'm halfway through my slate, and yours is the first story I've wanted to place at the top, instead of wishing I had more slots at the bottom. I really liked this prompt, but have been sadly disappointed with every entry until this one.

I didn't find the technobabble to be too bad, and I thought the concept, story, and writing were concise, interesting, and well done. As of this moment, this is at the top of my slate. Good job!

Best of the loop stories, definitely. I dunno, I just favor a clean repeat or a clean lead between actions.

Solid story and fits the format super well. This is just a plain good minific.

While there's nothing egregiously wrong, I think the prose could use a solid pass to clean it up and really make it shine. There are just a lot of sentences that could do with a bit of polish (though that may be my own personal style intruding).

I think stepping Hades Pluto back to one of the names would probably be best, as it still evokes the strangeness and mythology without being quite so weird.

Quick reminder, before prelims are over, that there are still a few stories that could use just one more review:

Losing the Struggle
In-between the worlds
Endless Struggle™
To Be Free
Machine

All are at six reviews. If they hit seven, that'd be great :> (I've reviewed them already so I can't really review them twice)

Georg’s Brief Comments on his three favorite stories in The Endless Struggle writeoff because I’m feeling congested and not very type-y.

Blurred Lines — A+ — Angels and Demons are just relative, taking their endless struggle into a world of mortal conflict in everyday life. That doesn’t make it easier, just less bloody. Top of my slate. Timing, humor, conflict, beginning and ending hook.

Masquerade — A+ — Gotta hand it to people who try (and succeed) with poetry in writeoffs, although I can’t say it as well as Horizon. I’ll stop there. Second on my slate (because I’m not a poetry pedant poking perforations in perfectly prime poetry.)

Heeding the Siren’s Call — A — Pretty good in a stark and realistic RPG way. Descriptive without ‘as you know’ clauses all over the place. Word limit pushes the acceptance (which is the point of the story) a little close to the reveal, but adjusting for this means it scores third on my slate. Seriously, I see a lot of reviews here on the ultra-short stories moaning and groaning about the lack of details and the compressed plot lines, much as if we are going to write Moby Dick in a tweet.

Cap. Ahab (@CapAhab) - 2 days
@Ishmal Summon the crew. We have a target. #KillMoby

First Mate Ishamal (@Ishamal) - 2 days
@CapAhab We may have some problems. Call me.

Cap. Ahab (@CapAhab) - 1 day
@Ishmal I stuck a dollar to the mainmast. That should cover the bonus money. #KillMoby

First Mate Ishamal (@Ishamal) - 1 day
@CapAhab Problem with #KillMoby No whale oil means no $$. Call me.

Meduliakuah Queequeg (@Queequeg) - 12 hours
#KillMoby Feeling sick. Going to go lie down.

Cap. Ahab (@CapAhab) - 8 hours
#KillMoby Thar she blows. Man the boats!

— Account @CapAhab has been discontinued due to the death of the owner.

>>Trick_Question
The second scene actually undercuts that view. AI, if ever truly achieved -does- represent a legitimate and terrifying threat to humanity that will likely end us. So the idea of creating one that naturally self-terminates is a bit of a failsafe.

That said, overall, I'm not really sure what to do with this. For the most part, the second scene kinda renders the first scene largely irrelevant, since it turns out this isn't actually a story about Alex the AI but rather about the AI researcher striving to perfect a suicidal AI.

Beyond that... I'm not actually sure about the practicality of this idea? I mean, if you can program an AI that wants to die, why can't you program an AI that won't kill all of humanity? I feel the grand risk with AI is it exceeding the bounds of its programming, so this really isn't a solution since it carries the risk of the AI recognizing this failure in its code.

So yeah, I like this. This is, I think, the only story where the AI/robots really approach feeling like AI/robots. Really, my only gripe is that I think the story comes off as a little too preachy given that the strange nature of the AI makes the beginning fairly irreverent (particularly the BitCoin bit). I think you can still have the message, but I just think you want to try and reign that in a bit (not that I have a solution).

Well, it's that time again! Mash-ups were briefly discussed in the it's-not-a-podcast-because-!Hat-and-Quill-weren't-online-at-the-same-time voice chat, but nobody's posted any yet, so I reckon I'll get things started off!

For some reason, there are a lot of stories this round which pair together well ...

---

Mash-ups: "The Endless Struggle To Avoid The Obvious Jokes" Edition

Endless Struggle™: The Masquerade — In White Wolf's latest thrill-packed expansion to their hit Vampire tabletop roleplaying game, player characters can now get day jobs!

The Postmanpocalypse — Georgian office workers struggle against an unexpected mailstrom. [1]



Machine Iron — Jupiter Station sends millions of AI-ships to the Inner Planets to steal rare and precious hydrogen, each believing they are the station's last chance so that they're willing to make irrational sacrifices to protect their cargo.

Heeding the Sentinel — The archaeologists exploring the cursed tomb read the goddamn signs for once.

Third Law of the Clouds — A bitter police officer tries to find the sky fairies, and the resulting story is 30% "fuck" by wordcount.

Why Gardening is for Bureaugard — The neighbor's dog keeps killing squirrels and ripping up my azaleas. I think it's time to change hobbies.

Hammer Mentor — The robots get sick of standing in humanity's shadow and execute the genocide plan.

Blurred Free — ... at which point the angels and demons who once oversaw humanity encourage robotkind to start a war between good and evil, because otherwise they're out of a job.

Down With Ganymede — The protagonist just wanted her mother to help her stop impulse-shopping in the hideously expensive Upper District. But her mother keeps encouraging her to follow her dreams! No-one understands!

Up With The Sunlight And Other Excuses — The protagonist makes personal contact with a sun goddess who encourages her to stop drinking. Which she's totally going to do. Tomorrow.

>>horizon (bursts into song)

Blurred free, as free as the wind blows. As free as the grass grows, and I forgot the rest of the words....

Disagreeing with the above, it's pretty clear the narrator doesn't literally believe there's a sun goddess divvying out commands. But, sometimes, it helps to project our own wants externally to see them clearly. It's like flipping a coin and thinking, I hope it lands on heads while it's in the air. Deep down you knew what you wanted, but it wasn't until you were faced with an outside representation of the choice you had to make between A and B that you knew-knew.

Same idea. Narrator just kind of up and made an imaginary friend instead of flipped a coin. Someone to be accountable to other than herself.

I feel like the shade thrown out on Newton here is a reference to the arms race between police and criminals. I figure by the wife's attitude, the environment noise, and the cop's meek armament (though he's leaving his home so I shouldn't expect him to be too geared up) the situation isn't panning out well for law enforcement.

>>Trick_Question
I mean, the explicit mentions of American political parties and politicians aside, many of the political fears expressed here are very particularly American. The references to gun control and fear of communism paint this as a very American story: while the general idea of "both sides of the political spectrum overreact to a political loss, or at least exaggerate their complaints" is applicable in a decent portion of the world, it's those particular cultural notes that make it a tiny bit harder for those of us elsewhere to completely get on board.

This issue is particularly exaggerated because America as a whole is generally quite right-leaning. To me here in the UK at least, the Democrats come across as very central, sometimes even right of centre! This impacts a little on the effectiveness of the story to those outside the US, because the two sides presented don't seem quite so opposite to us, and it weakens the symmetry that is the heart of the story.

>>QuillScratch

To me here in the UK at least, the Democrats come across as very central, sometimes even right of centre!

Ha. That's a laugh ;)
Since Tony Blair, there's no real left-wing party left in Britain, barring the SNP.

>>QuillScratch
just popping in one last time to say: I thought this was a different story, oops

Okay, now that I can finally tell that I'm the author of this epic fail, I want to explain what I wanted to do with this poor imitation of a story. I'll answer to comments after, so if you are only interested in that, scroll down until you see the big "ANSWERS". Know that I've repeated myself several time for every answer I gave so you may want to only see my answers to your comment. However, there are some important things you could miss.


The use of the third law of motion, as some have guessed, is intentionaly misused. It is misused by the narrator to introduce the consequences of some people's actions, and to emphasize that the reaction is unequal to the action (remember that the quote is supposed to be 'For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction'. I know that I didn't write 'opposite and equal', the story is about the fact that many people wrongly quote this law for other things than physics). It is also linked to later actions in the story but I'll coming back to it later.

So the first paragraph was supposed to introduce the law and how the narrator strongly disagrees with it. The misconception of the third law works in our peaceful and modern society, where one of the main idea that govern our reflection is the link between the causes and the consequences. Except that when the world around you is falling apart because of some people's actions, this idea seems like bullshit. Hence, the "fuck this sentence, and fuck the twisted mind where that shit came from".

The first thing that this law was supposed to highlight was the fact that he just wants to open a door, a common thing that everyone does without even thinking about it, but because of what is happening outside, he is terrified and it is really difficult for him to simply open the door. Thus the reaction (fear, terror, body shaking etc) isn't equal to what is required to open a door.

Then, he's wondering why he does this. With that, I wanted to introduce the danger waiting for him outside, and also the fact that he has chosen "to remain upright", unlike the rest of the population. That's why he is 'one-eyed' when the rest is blind (but I believe you have figured that out). And last but not least, the fanaticism has to be linked with the 'pious platitude'.

Now comes the wife. She was here to emphasize his fight and how it 'twists' his ideal. Remember that he has chosen to remain upright, but here, he has to lie to his wife, who isn't fooled by it. Add to this that his lie makes her look uglier and he hates himself for that.

For the shepherd metaphor, it is, indeed, to explain that he is "a law enforcement official or soldier" (thanks Cassius for the guess :) ). You also have to link that to the gun he is touching later in the story. And of course, the sheep becoming wolves and devouring each other is here to amplify the violence that people are committing and also to add some bestiality traits (they have lost their status as humans).

The last paragraphs are meant to be linked with the first, with his difficulty to open the door. The gunshots he is hearing make it more difficult but he manages to open the door nonetheless.

Now remember when I said that I'll coming back to what were the other things the third law of motion was connected to? You have two in the end. The first is the reaction of his wife who is crying in the kitchen. Action: he can't leave the country, he goes back to his job; Reaction: his wife is crying, fearing for her husband's life. And the second (and the last), is the lift call button. Action: you press a button, Reaction: the lift is coming to the floor (it know it's a bit silly but I liked the idea).

Now that all thoses details are said, I have to say that the exact job of the narrator wasn't intented to be mention. The same applies to what is happening outside. I know that I've lost some of you by not being clearer on what was going on but I thought that what was already there was enough. It seems not.

The Endless Struggle was for the narrator to be able to open the door and go doing his job, even after all the things he has seen. He doesn't want to but he is seeing himself as the last bastion before his country is plunged into a total chaos.

Last thing to do, I thank every one who have taken the time to read and comment. It helps to see how a story can be read and percieved by readers and it seems that I've failed hard to convey what I had in mind. Too bad, I'll do better next time.


ANSWERS

I've already covered some of the critics but I'll still answer to each one of you.

>>Spectral

I don't understand what you're going for here. The first paragraph and last two lines feel out of place, and there's some spelling/grammatical/formatting errors.

About the fact you didn't understand, you're not the only one. If you are still interested in what was going on, check the explanation I did.
And about the errors, I'm sorry for that. I didn't have the time to get the story read by an editor and I'm still learning.

>>FrontSevens

Seems this one's a story-puzzle. It was tough to read since I never felt oriented as a reader. I tried to figure out the puzzle but I can't and don't have the time to further pursue it. Most I can guess is there's some religious thing going on ("pious" "fanatical" and the shepherd thing. Also "in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king" is not from the bible I don't think but is from Latin or something?).

You don't have to tell the reader everything, sure. But I think this entry holds too much back. Like I say, I should be rereading the story because I want to, not because I have to.

You guessed pretty much what was going on. I didn't intend to give more but it seems I should have. It wasn't supposed to be a story-puzzle, just a story. And the fact that you reread the story because you wanted to, not because you had to, I guess it is because you somehow enjoyed the story? So thanks for that.

>>MLPmatthewl419

I just, don't understand this one. It doesn't seem like it is supposed to be the same story, or at least, the same chapter, as the separate parts do not "fit" together well.

You're the second one to tell me that the parts don't fit together well.
I thinks that's because of the exposition parts. Indeed, because he's supposed to imitate the hard-boild type, the narration is supposed to be more directly aimed at the audience. Think about Roschach in the movie Watchmen. I didn't handle it well though.

>>RawCringe

Clearly a policeman. I don't understand the cause of the fight, though.

You guessed well, the narrator is indeed a policeman. The cause of the fight is supposed to remain vague.

>>Monokeras

I think this might have to do with some sort of religious war, though I’m not actually positive. But I agree with all the former comments, it’s hard to parse, and there isn’t sufficient context to get to the point. Now, some stories choose to let the reader deliberately on the fence of two or more interpretations, and that’s a good thing. But in this case, there’s no really meat for us to know what dish we are tasting, and it left us with a sour aftertaste – which means, I don’t really want to re-read it to find out what I’ve missed.

Religious war it is.
For the rest of your comment, I understand that I didn't give enough on what was happening. I assumed that, because it was clear in my mind, it should be the same (more or less) for the reader.

>>TitaniumDragon

I'm with everyone else who was confused about what was going on here.

Sorry about that, I didn't want to lose the reader.



I'll start to split some comments because some are really long.


>>Cassius

So I'm in a bit of a disagreement with people on Third Law of Motion. I don't really find it necessarily confusing what the explicit context of the scene is, but I think the story itself has a problem making clear to the reader what the take-away message is and is overloaded with unclear metaphors and imagery that don't seem to connect with one another. Perhaps if the author had been more straightforward and forthwith with describing the situation instead of utilizing a number of similes and metaphors that the story as a whole would go down easier.

Thanks for the compliment and the critics.
There isn't really a take-away message in this story, aside from seeing what can it cost a man to remain a man.
And is the story really overloaded with metaphors? I didn't feel so. Moreover, there somehow connected. The shepherd/sheep/wolves metaphors has to be linked with the monkey. In the narrator's mind, he is one of the few who have keep their status as human (the shepherd is a human) because he kept his integrity and didn't succomb to the call of fanaticism. However, when he touch his weapon to give himself some confidence, he knows that it is not how he wants to be a human. It also implies that he would probably need to use it, and kill people. So he sees hismelf as an animal for a moment, not a human.

To me, it is apparent the the narrator is some sort of law enforcement official or soldier in a place that has lost itself to anarchy, and he he is begrudgingly venturing out to restore some semblance of order, likely in vain. The main character laments the danger and violence that he is being tossed into and also assumed to commit as a result of his duty. His wife wants him to stay at home where it's safe, but he puts on a brave face and goes out anyway, but he's not happy about it.

That's one way to sum up the story, good job.

The thesis of the story itself, however, and how it plays into the Third Law of Motion is either ill-conceived in its comparison or just poorly explained. I could maybe go for interpreting it being along the anarchy is the result of a completely disproportionate reaction by the public that has caused rioting, i.e. some sort of needless war type scenario, but there's simply not enough context to support that interpretation, and is more me trying to give the author the benefit of the doubt that he/she had a clear idea in mind when writing this than anything else. How exactly the Third Law of Motion ties into the rest of the story proper is never made explicitly clear, which is unfortunate because it's the title of the story, the opening sentence, and the final line. As a result, it feels like MLPMatthew said, a series of separate parts that have no strong unifying body to bring them together.

I had, indeed, a clear idea in mind when I wrote this, but all the comments let me know that between my mind and my words, there's a gap that I didn't manage to cross.

>>QuillScratch

In all seriousness, the opening of this story throws me for a loop, and I think we ought to talk a little about why that happened. After your misquote, you describe the law as a "pious platitude"—a phrase often associated with religious or moralistic phrases said insincerely. Almost immediately we've got something odd going on, and we're forced to examine the phrasing of the Third Law in a totally different context. Except, in any other context, it's not a Law and we shouldn't really expect it to apply—so when you say "the reaction is way above the action" I know that I, as a reader, simply thought, 'so what?'

With this part, I may understand what had got some readers lost.
I think I didn't completely understand what 'pious platitude' could mean and imply. When I'll rewrite it, i I think I'll go for 'appalling commonplace'.
And when I say that 'the reaction is way above the action', it's because I've just established before that the reaction is supposed to be equal to the action. So it was supposed to make the reader wonder why and how the reaction could be above the action. (I used above here in the sense that the reaction is stronger/bigger than the action. Above works for that right?)

I can see what you're going for with those first two sentences, though: you're trying to set up this feeling that some sort of reactionary thing has happened that is far, far worse than whatever it was reacting to. I think there are probably a million and one better ways to convey that message, but the fact of the matter is that you successfully conveyed it, and that's a good start.

Okay so the premise isn't totally f***ed up. Small victory.

Where you lose me is sentence number three.

Context tells us that "it" is the reaction, because the alternative ("it" referring to the Third Law) makes the sentence totally redundant. The "And also", structurally, is tying into the "except that" clause from the previous sentence, so we know whatever follows it is another exception for the Third Law holding true. And then the rest of the sentence tells us that... the reaction has already happened before? I'll be honest, I don't actually know what relevance that has, or what you're actually trying to tell us there. That's not another exception—it doesn't even hold any relevance to the Third Law. Combine that confusion with a really weird choice of conjunction ("not to mention" would probably be a better choice than "and also") and you've lost me. I no longer know what I'm reading.

You are totally right. I'll be honest, that sentence wasn't supposed to be kept for the final editing. I missed it and, indeed, it isn't relevant to anything in the story or the third law of motion.

Then, almost as if you're reading my mind, you go meta and proclaim: "fuck this sentence". I still have no idea why the meta parts of this story are here, by the way. They don't add anything meaningful to the story, except perhaps to act as an excuse for the incredibly confusing third sentence. In all honesty, I think this story would be far better without them, unless you can find a way to give them more meaning.

There isn't anything meta here. The first lines are the narrator thoughts and the swearing that follows is his comments on this sentences. It was here to show how much he hates that commonplace, because of his situation.

>>MLPmatthewl419 said that this story didn't really fit well together, and I agree with that conclusion. Aside from the meta sections not fitting, there's also the whole aspect of the story where the wife is described as "ugly". I'll be honest, I'm not sure what the point of those lines is. I guess they're meant to be commenting on how the wife's fear and worry are ugly properties, but it just struck a wrong note for me and came across as condemning. But then the main character wants to punch himself for thinking it? I didn't see how it fit into the rest of the story's meaning, and I wasn't quite sure why it was there.

The wife is descripted as ugly because on one hand, it emphasizes that there isn't anything beautiful or joyful for the narrator anymore and, on the other hand, the narrator lying to her by telling that everything is gonna be fine makes her smile, a fake smile, so he finds her uglier because he knows by her smile that she knows he is lying so he hates himself for disappointing her by not being braver (is that clear? Because it doesn't sound clear when it's written).

With all that having been said, I think that at its heart this is a very interesting exploration of bravery in the face of horror and death, and of two people trying to maintain a sense of normality as hell is breaking out around them. I have no idea what the context of that horror and hell may be, and to be totally honest I'm not sure that lack of context helps your story. There's something religious going on (is it the world outside? Is it the main character?), the main character probably works in something related to law enforcement, and I'm pretty sure that outside there's some kind of anarchistic riot... but that's all I've got. I really do think that a little more context would help make this story better, if only to make the reader's conclusions feel more solid and grounded in the text. As much as I like the withholding of information and deliberate ambiguity, I'd appreciate it being toned down a bit.

Nothing more to say that I haven't already said, except that I wanted to focus mainly on what the narrator was feeling right now, when he is about to leave his house. I didn't want to go "EXPOSITION" all the way, but I should have done some.

To round this all off, I just want to quickly comment that this story could have used another editing pass—I know we don't get much time in minific rounds, but there are enough examples of sentences with awkward (sometimes, like the third sentence, to the point of distraction) phrasings and grammar mistakes ("I would have find her beautiful", for example) that probably could have been cleared up with just a little more attention.

I know that I need some people to pre-read my stories, not only for the simple grammar mistakes that I make (like the one you quoted), but also for all the critics that have been said. I struggled (haha) to find one for one of my story and he is been pretty busy lately (*wink* *wink*).

>>Shadowed_Song

I have no idea whats going, and there is way to much metaphore/meta. This needs some major reworking to be understandable by the casual reader.

Writing need work, premis is barely understandable, execution is pretty terrible.

-/10

Would be higher if not for the first paragraph and last two lines, and the metaphores

Woawoawoa, wait... that's it?
I won't take gloves with you because you didn't take yours. Your comment feels more like finding the right sentence that sounds good than actually tell what was wrong with the story.

So too many metaphors. Let's count them together shall we? (I only count the strongest metaphors)
The third law of motion that go through the entire story. That's one.
The blind people and the one-eye. That's two.
The shepherd, the sheep and the wolves. That's three.
The monkey and the reed. Four.

Four metaphors, in less than one hundred words. Four is too much? Okay, then I don't know if you're really interested in litterature because, except from some specific genres AND some specific period of time, metaphors is one of the main element of litterature. Even the language is filled with metaphors that everyone use without thinking (just think about all the link between love and fire for example).

Now I can understand if they are bad or poorly executed, I won't argue with that, there are clearly not my best. Metaphors are hard things to create and to work with, because on one hand, you need to be specific in order to convey what you want, but on the other hand, you have to let some areas unclear in order to let your reader construe and build his own mental image.
Here is one that I found brilliant, from Paul Eluard, a French poet

Earth is blue like an orange (La Terre est bleue comme une orange)

you go meta

I don't. I don't know what have made you think that, and you're not the only one. Maybe because some entries were about an author having difficulties to write but there is nothing meta here.
But too much? Seriously?

'Writing need work' How?
'premis is barely understandable' That's legit, except it is thanks to the others that I now understand why.
'execution is pretty terrible' Again, how?

-/10
Would be higher if not for the first paragraph and last two lines, and the metaphores

On what scale did the story is rated? From % to ¤? So -/10 is good or bad?
Okay enough joking, if you can't give a real number because the story was bad (and that's perfectly ok), say it. I understand that there are majors flaws in my entry. From the others that I've read, I'm well aware that mine is way lower than them. But please, give a real grade next time, even a 0/10. But this -/10, I don't understand it. If you meant that you couldn't grade it because it was shit, tell me.

>>AndrewRogue

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. That's the common phrasing of it, and it is hella distracting to see it "wrong" in a story that is attempting to cite it as the basis of things going on.

Beyond that... yeah, you can't quite leave the reader hanging this badly. I suspect Front is right about the content, but honestly, you have to give us -something- to go on. There's strong emotion, but no real basis for that emotion, and without that? It is sound and fury signifying nothing.

Beyond that, definitely needs an editorial pass. Lot of little errors scattered all through.

That was the point, misquote the third law because it is how often people understand and use it.

For the strong emotion, I'm glad that the main purpose worked in a way, but I see why it can sound like that. As I've said, the basis for those emotions had been kept vague because I wanted the emotion to be the real purpose of the story. However, and because you're definitely not the first one to mention it, I'll keep in mind for when I'll rewrite it.

>>Rao

I feel like the shade thrown out on Newton here is a reference to the arms race between police and criminals. I figure by the wife's attitude, the environment noise, and the cop's meek armament (though he's leaving his home so I shouldn't expect him to be too geared up) the situation isn't panning out well for law enforcement.

Interesting, that's an interpration I haven't planned at all, but it still works. Good job (and bad job for me for letting the possibility of different interpretations possible)


END OF ANSWERS

This fic was largely inspired by the character from 'Morituri' and 'L'automne des chimères' (Chimeras' autumn/ Autumn of Chimeras) by Yasmina Khadra. There are crime novels that take place during the Algerian Civil War, after the decolonization.
For those who aren't familiar with this events, just check the Wiki here:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Algerian_Civil_War

If what you have seen here has, somehow, piqued your curiosity, I strongly recommand you to read those books. There are translated in English so don't worry.


As my first entry in the writeoff events, I'm kinda happy of what I did, knowing my own difficulties with the English language and the time we had to write.

Once again, I thank everyone who took time to read and offer valuable comments on why the story was bad. Against all odds, it still encourages me to keep improving and I hope you're ready to read more from me, for better or worst.


PS: Quill Scratch, you have some proof-read to do so stop reviewing stories better than mine and go back to work :p

So yeah, Sentinel is my story. Consensus seems to be the writing is all right, but that there's no tension (which I agree with).

I planned on giving a reason for the guardian being there, something like the grave he guards being that of a close friend or family member. I also thought about giving him an internal conflict of wanting to die but being unable. But it was late and I was tired so I went to bed instead :P

Thanks for the reviews, and good luck with the final to those of you still in the game.

ps. For those of you with weak google-fu, Anapa is the Egyptian vocalisation of ı͗npw, the name of Anubis.

>>RawCringe >>JudgeDeadd >>Not_A_Hat >>Monokeras >>Monokeras >>Shadowed_Song >>AndrewRogue >>FrontSevens

Retrospective:

Thanks to everyone who commented!

This was an experimental piece in which I explored swapping the roles of articles and conjunctions, which seems to have led to confusion for several reviewers. Still, I feel that calling my piece ‘an impenetrable redoubt of supercilious pedanticism’ is being woundingly overdirect. I had to spend an extra hour under the covers, clutching a cloth-and-batting representation of a neotenic and anthropomorphized ursine (whom I have dubbed “Mr. Snigglywubbles”), and I needed an extra mug of hot chocolate to entirely refroid my sang. This plays hell on my diet! A little consideration, please!

Other reviewers complained about the middle paragraph (that block of 4,294 “gibberish” characters which counted as one word). As should have been patently obvious, the start of the string showed that it was to be interpreted as a zip file, which when uncompressed with the password (QUIZZICAL, as revealed acrostically) would reveal a one thousand, six hundred and thirteen word dissertation about the maximum beak length of Emperor penguins, the comprehension of which is quite necessary to understanding the dramatic reversal of Quarmbogger’s affections in the penultimate paragraph. I am not surprised that almost no one got this (props to Horizon!), but I am just a trifle disappointed. However, I do regret having been the point of contention in such a heated discussion over the Writeoff regulations, and I thank Roger for making the correct call and not deleting my account and, even worse, utterly disqualifying my story.

Now, as to the section which described a series of slash marks and curves (“in snore-inducing detail,” as one critic so blithely put it), if the gentle readers would only take the trouble to draw them out as described, they would find a perfectly legible string of Xiang Chinese characters, for which translators are readily available online–

…Wait, I’m still in?

Nevah mind. Good thing I stopped before I gave too much away!

>>Fenton
From your (fairly lengthy) explanation, it sounds like the pieces of the puzzle were all there; it was just a matter of knowing how they all fit together. I couldn't figure that out. It was hard enough trying to follow what was going on, since sometimes it was vague or it made seemingly abrupt jumps from one idea to the next.

And the fact that you reread the story because you wanted to, not because you had to, I guess it is because you somehow enjoyed the story? So thanks for that.

Sorry, maybe what I said was unclear. I said I should be rereading because I want to, not because I have to. I meant that I had reread it (3 times, because I felt I had to, and not because I wanted to) and it still didn't make sense to me.

“That’s the puppet’s dream, being human.” (Solaris)

I was somewhat befogged. Admittedly I don't get it. There are clones fighting an army of invaders, but the rest is pretty obscure to me. The girl is a clone herself? That's what I got but I don't see the point besides the reveal.

In my eyes, there's hardly any plot, just a core concept around which you knit some words. Besides, after Star Wars, one can't really say that the idea of cloning people to fill an army's rank is really original.

>>Monokeras
I must apologize and note that I've never heard of let alone read Camus. So maybe I get points for accidentally copying a popular Frenchman? Probably not.

To clear some things up: not about writer's block! Though given the very meta nature of the entries I still kind of feel like an obvious hack. This story was born from an afternoon watching Shakespeare on stage (Much Ado About Nothing, but WW1 era!) and a harsh but loving ass kicking I got from a friend of mine last week about the nature of being a professional writer versus a hobbyist. She blasts forward and just writes at every possible chance, where I tend to languish and fret and not get much done.

>>horizon
The original brainstorming session did have the White (with the added bonus of inverting the moral color compass from King's universe) as a more real, defined enemy kept at bay by and drawn to the sum creative efforts of humanity. Something about standing on the art of the past and seeing that there's no end to the canvases (generally speaking) we can fill.

But that's a lot to pack in so I went less literal :\

Thanks everyone for the time and the comments. My first foray into nonpony fiction in a long time went better than I expected.

“I can see what you mean, it just takes me longer
And I can feel what you feel, it just makes you stronger.”
–Rush, In the End

A tale of a vine and its tree. I agree that the word choices should be refined here and there, but I found the imagery pleasant and the analogy meaningful.

>>Fenton

And is the story really overloaded with metaphors? I didn't feel so.

Allow me to clarify, because my phrasing was vague. My intention was to say that there was an excess of metaphors that were unclear in what the reader was supposed to extrapolate from them as opposed to there being an unnecessary amount of metaphors being made.

>>Rao

I must apologize

No need to. It was a compliment rather than a reproach.

She blasts forward and just writes at every possible chance,

She's a professional writer; it's part of her job, she earns her living churning out lines of words. You don't, you have other things to tend to, so don't feel bad about it.

ok first of all castle in the clouds was a big joke. I thought up the ending first and then made up half a story to slap it onto. any parallelism is accidental/subconscious. I was imagining about the yugioh card "Sanctuary in the Sky" while I wrote it. I wanted it to sound like a children's fairy tale for maximum tone dissonance with the ending.

I didn't actually run out of time but fun fact I did procrastinate around and waste time all night/morning until I had fifteen minutes left to write the ending so it wouldn't be entirely a lie

I usually write about Hatsune Miku but for Pain in Paradise I switched it up a little and went with Madoka this time so my authorship wouldn't be overwhelming + totally obvious to anyone who visits my fimfic userpage. I am trying to perfect this sub-sub-genre ok I call it the "Miku story".

In a proper "miku story" there is a first person protag who has delusions of an anime girlfriend. A part of him recognizes his delusion but he is unwilling or unable to admit it to himself. So he becomes numbed and selectively disjointed from reality. He has an encounter with his anime girlfriend, which is written with a straight face, as if it were really happening. Then he encounters some kind of psychological event, whether guilt, shame, painful memories, self-awareness, anxiety, or whatever, and this event causes him to be unable to take any pleasure in the delusion. In the end the protag is worse off than he was in the beginning.

Some said that this story felt mean. I cannot deny it but that is not all it was meant to be. It is a fine line between pity and contempt and I feel both for the protagonist of a miku story. I try to lay out the case both for and against my protagonists and leave judgment to the reader. As well as being contemptible there is also a strain of the noble and the idealistic in him. He is not humping a body pillow ok he is just getting a hug from a plushie. Not sex but love. This is why there were not "more hints that it was a comedy"—if I was going to write a story just making fun of someone I would pick a less helpless target. Picking on the waifu-obsessed NEETS seems like kicking a puppy.

some wondered if seeing the Madoka anime would enhance the story: the only thing I took from the anime was the character of Madoka, the Ave Maria, and the strange non-spatial dimension in which the main scene takes place. I do have a lot of hate for a crossover that requires knowledge of source material so I definitely did not want to make the anime necessary for a reader to understand my story.

Why the line with the checks and the dead family? In my mind it sets the deluded protag into a larger world which he is actively ignoring. He can blithely talk of large sums of money and his dead family without expression because he feels nothing about either. Plus I wanted to blame him a little: with that kind of money he can be doing anything but he is playing videogames and cuddling plushies. Otherwise the story runs the risk of just being about some guy's daydream without a larger significance.

Two or three criticisms landed in my mind, the first was that of the Titanium Dragon who suggested that there are many stories out there like this one. I thought I was being really original ok so now I am really curious about where all these stories are that are just like mine

I also never noticed the continuous "I was X" sentences before. When I write this kind of story I typically whisper the words out loud to myself and if they have a certain hard to describe, off-balance cadence I write them down. The use of these sentences was unconscious and therefore uncontrolled so I think it is fair to criticize them.

Finally the Not_A_Hat said that the protag should have tried and failed rather than not trying... given the way that I wrote the scene, as opposed to how it was going in my mind, this is true. It was a big mistake on my part.

much of the same that I said about Pain in Paradise applies to this one

I like Chad ok he is a nice guy. His problem is that he is so obsessed with his flaws that he isn't relating well with others. If he were secure in his beliefs he would not feel threatened by the doctor even despite the fact that the doctor is being rather unprofessional.

In my opinion, Chad has made himself ridiculous, not me... he is the one who sees thunder and rain, drama and conspiracy in everyday flawed people. I'm not going to hate him or laugh at him for living in that melodramatic world. But I'm still going to convey that melodrama honestly. If that makes you laugh... well I guess that's your business.

by the way I am not arguing in this story either for or against "relaxed sexual mores"... I would not use a story to make an argument that would alienate half my readers whichever side I took. I guess I succeeded here because different readers found opposite intentions in it.

A cute mid-tier story. I don't think deep criticism is needed for this one.

I talked about this in the Discord, but I want to repeat it here in case the author was not there for it: this story is so close to having the best, punchier opening in this round. With a little bit of refinement (mostly cutting the second sentence down to something like "At least that's what the sign on the perfume stand told her.") you have a super evocative and intriguing hook.

I found the repetitions somewhat distracting. Many “weed”, “yank”, “pull”, “alleviate” twice in a row, or, case in point: I breathe in and out, slowly, focusing on my breath. While these aren’t egregious, they tend to itch me. I think a good editorial pass would be no luxury.

Oh, 2:34 PM? Why not 3:45 or 4:56? :P By the way, gardening during the warm hours isn't really advisable. It's a good way to have a heart attack.

But otherwise, yeah, this is fair enough, the tediousness of stubbing out weeds comes across quite clearly. The idea is neat, the execution could be more concise though. The long section about how the garden isn’t suitable for a catalogue is a bit too rambling for me. Clean up the vocabulary and the prose, and you have a strong entry.

Though the execution could be more exciting, I liked this idea a lot. Divine judgement being messy and relative to the values of the times and cultures, instead of being an eternal standard.

“Ugh. Tell me about it. It wasn’t so bad when they only lived for thirty years. But these days we have to factor in three or four generations of opinions all at once!”

ack, this is a common myth that bugs me. the mean average life expectancy got pushed down a lot by infant mortality, up until the last century with its modern medicine. in other words, IF you survived your first few years, you'd probably live to 50, maybe even 60 or 70 in the right places. most people weren't dropping dead in their 30s, not even in the caveman days. it's misleading statistics.

in the story this would make more sense as attitudes and values shifting and changing much more rapidly between generations than they used to.

I much agree with Trick. This doesn’t much looks like a time loop, because it seems everything gets done the same way at each iteration, making it rather a video played over and over indefinitely.

Also, you introduce fantasy elements, but those elements are pure eye candies since nowhere in your fiction does anyone get the chance of using them. Change the decor, make it current or futuristic, you end up with the same story. So yeah, a bit generic here.

— in all, a fairly well written story which failed to grasp my attention. I was hoping for some kind of explanation but, reaching the end of the story, I found none, so I was left with the feeling that it was, —

Not azure, cerulean.

The prose is wonderful, but some phrasings ring a bit strange in this mellow flow of tinkling bells, such as: Your smile is delightful, your laughter infectious, and under the influence of your enthusiasm I say something I haven't said in months. The underlined phrase I found a bit weaker.

Nitpicking, what else is left when faced with such prose quality?

>>Monokeras
I suspect the idea is that the entire military complex is based on clones of these individuals, meaning these "people" are trapped ina more or less eternal war.

Well, this thread is dead, apparently. But congratulations to Corejo and Monokeras for their medals, and —

AAAGH! IT WAS STOLEN! MY PRECIOUS BRONZE! THE SOURCE OF MY POWER! hsssssss

Pardon me while I track down Monokeras and consume his still-beating heart to get my writing mojo back.

Seriously though, congratulations to Corejo and Monokeras for their medals, and to all our finalists and entrants alike. MAJOR congratulations to Mono for a first-time medal — look at how far you've come! :D I stand by my many-moons-ago predictions of greatness.

The top scores were remarkably close this round — that's a sign I squeaked out a narrow win against some strong competition.

It was good to see the volume of feedback this round. And hopefully the critique was helpful, regardless of where everyone placed. To be honest I felt like it was a lot sharper and more aggressive this round than usual (I'm not speaking of the critique on my story, but what I was reading overall in the thread); let's try to keep in mind that there are friends and fellow authors on the other end of the line.

I'm sorry for not saying more. I've been triaging time for the last several weeks, in between post-con illness, starting Search & Rescue training, and several major server incidents at work (we're in recovery from one of them; I shouldn't even be typing this now). I doubt I'll even be able to offer a retrospective or a reaction to the feedback, other than to agree with the "approximately" being an error. Thank you nevertheless.

Deep driven in cold soil sleep the seeds,
Sunken deep within the worm-churned loam.
Each bears a cryptic list of future deeds
Encoded in a nucleaic tome.
They burst with questing tendrils–see, one speeds!
It makes this clot of earth its rooted home.
And sending skyward shoots amongst the weeds
However may its spirit come to roam?

With spreading leaves bejeweled with dewy beads
It opens wide, upon the sun it feeds!
It opens buds below celestial dome
and taunts the bees to build their honeycomb
With precious pollen, bait to suit their needs,
Its germens borne upon these bumbling steeds…

Well, this was the start of what I wanted to write, but I lost my inspiration after sonnet two, so I cast about for something else and created this thing. I might have done better by submitting the sonnets with some filler at the end, or had I not insisted on taking the prompt literally.

>>FrontSevens
>>AndrewRogue
>>Not_A_Hat
>>ShortNSweet
>>QuillScratch
>>Shadowed_Song
>>Trick_Question
>>Monokeras

I didn’t really try to flesh out the characters, partly because of minific constraints (I like Georg’s comment here) and partly because I was working on the right way to convey the loop, which I regarded as the main point of the story. I originally wanted the loop to be more complex but my tired brain didn’t find a way to make it work in time. I had to settle for trying to make the opening statement mean something else after you’d looped once around the story (that these two antagonists are screwed because one can’t defeat the other and still have time to cast the spell of escape before everything resets, and they will never altruistically cooperate).

I started with an SF setting, but settled for fantasy since SF has stricter constraints (that is, if you care about making a proper effort in the genre). I would have felt obliged to give at least a token science justification in an SF story, but with magic I only have to make it self consistent.

Should I proceed with this story, I think I will try to find a way by which they can both escape from this loop. That will involve building in some character and backstory, which should resolve some of the complaints. Showing iterations of the loop and growth of the characters despite the resets should prove more satisfying as a story.

Thanks for the praise and criticism!

>>Trick_Question

Also, who’s to say the Council wouldn’t just reward the one who gives the staff away by letting them go instead? Seems like dropping the staff and letting the other guy have it is the best option.

This is in fact a good way out of the loop, but I’d have to find a way for them to discover that, given that they both seem like nasty suspicious types.

>>Monokeras
…The recursive review!
Special props for...

Ninth overall with a double "most controversial"? Neat! I finally won something other than a participation ribbon! :D

I knew this one would split opinions by boiling down to differing interpretations of the character and her voice, but not quite this much. I thought this would bomb a lot harder and was really surprised just to make the finals, honestly.

>>horizon
I have no time to elaborate right now, but congrats to you also for the gold, despite my scuppering of your story ;), and just ❤️ for the rest.

Small retrospective to come tomorrow I think, Friday at worse.

Thanks to all who liked the stories, and thanks so much for all the positive reviews!

First, congrats to our winners!

Now then, retrospective!

I overreached this round. That's kind of the core of it. I just literally ran out of room to reach the ending I wanted (which was intended as a bit more of an ambiguous "This friendship might be done, it might not, hard to tell" note) because I simply had too much to say. Introducing a setting concept, a scenario, a conflict, and two characters is just a lot to mash out in 750 words.

That said, for all that I faceplanted on the ending (again), I'm actually super proud of this piece at a technical level. I think this is the most efficient I have ever been with information delivery. Genre is pretty tough in minific due to the necessary balance of setting, situation, and character, but I feel I (more or less) rose to the occasion and got a goddamn lot done in very limited space.

Also I managed to make the phrase "fish tits" important scene setting and world building, which gives me warm fuzzies.

That said, there are three-ish big botches.

1. I actually don't offer Nest enough strong characterization - Chris makes out better in that regard. This, in turn, removes a bit from Nest as the viewpoint character.
2. I failed the ending - again.
3. I confused the nature of trapped in another world a little - I suspect it rests entirely on the jewelcrafting line.

Still. Even with those errors, I'm happy and will be doing some stuff with this setting in the future.

Now onto the lovely people who commented.

>>Astrarian
Yeah. I think I mostly misjudge my voice a little bit in these ambiguous scenarios and I played my hand a little too hard. The idea I was angling for was more along the lines of Chris grudgingly backing down at least a little in the face of his underestimation of where Nest is in life, but perhaps not full acceptance.

I probably should have just kept the slightly darker tone of a rejection of Nest at this juncture for purposes of the mini since that would fit the arc allotted in the space better.

>>FrontSevens
You were the first comment where I considered I screwed up with that line skill line. :p

For all that it is irrelevant, I will clarify. The idea of the fantasy world is that (possibly) it is similar to one portrayed in a game or something back on earth, but, functionally, it is a real place they got transplanted to. Another full world (though, perhaps, operating under some odd, gamified rules). The skill comment was just a way gamers kinda broke down the echos of knowledge that remained with the bodies they got dumped into (mostly abilities, like how to use magic, trade skills, combat, etc).

Definitely a bit misleading, though.

>>Monokeras
Question one opens a whole can of worms in and of itself regarding the nature of sexuality (and my views thereof), doesn't it? :p The short answer is, form my perspective (and I feel the implied statements of the story), he was what I would define as mostly straight pre-shift. How much of an effect the shift had on him is its own set of questions, though.

I suspect we'll see more in the longer version, though.

>>Cassius
I wouldn't really call it allegory, but I wouldn't call anything I do allegory. The story does indeed have some parallels in LGBTQ issues (and I was quite aware of that), but it isn't fully intended to be paralleled directly, so much as just have similar emotional resonance.

In fact, if you parallel directly, you get a little weirdness.

Beyond that, I think you deserve a bit longer of a response than I'm prepared to give right now.

The long and short of it is that this is sort of implied to be the culmination of a long period of tension and slow falling out between the two of them, and sort of approaching a last straw for how both of them adapted to the incident and whether they can survive it as friends. That said, you're right and perhaps more of this needs to be in the forefront (or at least better explored) than I was able to sell it.

I'll try and come back to your comment a little bit later, because it is a damn good one.

>>GroaningGreyAgony
Thankies.

>>AndrewRogue
Special thanks to my beta reader buddy for ghost writing this comment for me, because I couldn't think of what I wanted to fake say.

>>Shadowed_Song
Yep.

>>georg
Eh, I don't think minific is a good excuse. The fact is that if the conclusion is too rushed, I picked too big an idea for the format, and that is a failure on the part of me as an author. You can do a lot with 750 words! The problem is that you are limited and you need to account for that when picking an idea.

Retrospective: No Choice
(I had no choice but to post this retrospective)

Nopony guessed me for this, probably in part because I suspect few of the regulars had it on their slates. :derpytongue2:

I am ponifying this one and publishing it, after I expand it and fix things. It's meant to be a minific but the 750 limit was really tough to do with this much stuff going on, internally (for the character) and action-wise, not to mention the descriptions of the monster and the other physical elements.

>>GroaningGreyAgony >>QuillScratch >>Shadowed_Song >>AndrewRogue

(tl;dr: BOO DASHES)

Yeah, I realized the dashes were really bad for giving away the time loop at the beginning, but I didn't have time to figure out how to do it properly before I submitted (I was really, really tired and had stuff to do tomorrow).

The current fix is it starts with, "I tumbled down the air vent, sliding rapidly through the ductwork and into darkness.", and it ends with, "So, I crouched and hopped into the gaping maw of my only escape, trying not to think about the futility of it all as I tumbled down the air vent..." with the ellipses there ending the story.

>>FrontSevens

I didn't really see much personality in the main character.

It's a minific in first-person, and who the character is isn't important to the story I'm trying to tell. This is more of an experiential-piece than a character piece.

...too infodump-y. This story didn't do a whole lot for me...

I agree with it being telly. Part of that is the length constraint, and part of it is the nature of the story itself (see below). Either way, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it.

Also, if you're the pony who bottom-ranked mine, I love you too! :raritywink: <3

>>GroaningGreyAgony

OTOH, if the narrator’s body can be bruised “again,” and the physical changes are cumulative, damage or exhaustion will end the loop soon.

"Again" from the character's perspective. I hinted at this with "uninjured body" just before the bruising.

>>Monokeras

What I don’t get is that if the guy gets into a sort of time loop, then there must be one more "him" each time he closes it. The way you describe it is non sequituur to me: I would expect the ship to be full of "him"s.

I'm not sure this is what non sequitur means usually, but your meaning is clear. Anyway, the story doesn't have him going back in time physically. He ends up back exactly where he was and the only thing that changes is his memory of the previous loops. I think the story's pretty clear about that, but I might be able to add more hints in the expanded version. I don't want to do too much hinting, though, because this style of writing is already necessarily telly.

>>RawCringe

Thanks to you too. :twilightsmile:

Alright, that wraps it up. Now I just have to decide if this story will be a Tragedy, or if I'll Deus Ex things with an epilogue chapter featuring Star Swirl. I'm leaning toward the latter, unless I get feedback saying that's awful.

I haven't read this yet, but congrats. :pinkiehappy: You should be proud of yourself and not try to wave away this accomplishment. You're a good writer and you're consistently improving.

Bravo! :twilightclap:

>>Trick_Question
Actually, no, I didn't bottom-rank your story. I put it fifth from the top. So, uh, love you too, I guess, rarity wink, heart.

Lessons learned this writeoff (The Endless Struggle)

>>horizon >>Trick_Question (Horizon, Trick Question)
1) Don’t use a title that can be mistaken for a classic to which the story… isn’t.

>>AndrewRogue >>RawCringe >>FrontSevens >>GroaningGreyAgony >>Monokeras (AndrewRogue, Rawcringe, Front Sevens, GroaningGreyAgony, Monokeras)
2) Next time, kill the dog.

>>FrontSevens (FrontSevens)
3) Don’t write anything that can be considered a twist ending. It’s not worth it.

>>Ferd Threstle (Ferd Thressle)
4) Sometimes people understand what you write. Worry about that.

Also, don’t write for a competition while suffering a cold, the flu, or any combination of the two. Dull neurons do not a good story produce, or a good review create. I didn’t even get the second slate ranked. Blah.

The longer, uncropped version of the story will be on Written Off shortly. I’m going to take some decongestants and head for bed.

Retrospective:
Can be found here!

>>FrontSevens
That was much higher than most! (And I didn't actually think you bottomed me, and even if you did I wouldn't care. I was trying to be silly.)

So

The Postman

I've ever been a fan of Camus, having been introduced to his works by my father who, like him, was born in Algeria back in the days when that North-African piece of land was French. Camus was the writer of the North-African community, their spearhead, standard-bearer and hero.

Camus's theory in Le Mythe de Sisyphe is that, despite the absurdity of it, somehow Sisphyus has to be proud of his ever-repeated task, and that pride manifests itself as the cursed drudge retakes his breath atop the knoll, while his boulder rolls downhill.

What has ever bugged me about Sisyphus's myth was why Sisyphus had complied to the pointless work he was sentenced to carry out. Usually, when you are sentenced, you suffer something: being locked up, tortured or killed. And even if you're sentenced to, let's say, community work, ultimately what compels you to do it is the implicit threat that not abiding by your sentence means to be condemned to something worse, be it jail, rack or death.

But when you're dead, what possibly can coerce you into doing something? What forbids Sisyphus, who tricked Death twice, to knock off, sit at the foot of his hill, cross his arms, blow a raspberry to Zeus and just say “no more”?

So to me, one possible answer is that Sisyphus actually accepted to carry out his work of his own will. That's the idea I tried to graze in The Postman. What obliges the Postman, aka Sisyphus, to set out for this tedious ascent, except his own respect for the job he's been charged with? He could just shirk it, put it off until tomorrow, ask someone else to do it, or simply take with him a form warning that old geezer over there that a wrap is waiting for him at the post office.

No, instead, he chooses the hard way, because he is diligent, and takes his job seriously, and derives pride from it. And albeit it is revealed in the end that he has endeavoured his painful hike in vain, it was something he implicitely accepted from the get-go, by refusing to peer into the parcel. So no, Hat, I don't think this version is milder then the original one. Yes, in the Greek myth, Sisyphus knows for sure that his work will be fruitless and endlessly repeated; here, that certainty is withheld from his eyes, but implicitely accepted by his strict adherence to the postal rules.

You could say “but he loses the memory of his past experiences every time he’s sent back and starts afresh”. Agreed, but not explicitely stated, so ultimately we don't know. Maybe he only forgets what's inside the parcel?

To address the only complaint I registered for this fiction, yeah, Hades Pluto was a bit hamfisted. I just tried to implement one of Cold's rules of successful WriteOffing (™) which states: “In the WriteOffs, don't be too subtle.”

To wrap up, I'm super happy you enjoyed it, I was chuffed by each of your wonderful comments, and thank you for bearing this modest story up to the bronze medal, even though, despite what Trick thinks, it'll prolly be a one-off. But meanwhile, I enjoy the afterglow! ❤️

See you next round folks!