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The Mentor
I’ve spent years looking skyward, only to see you. How you’ve grown from the cornucopia of my mind! What once was a seed and then a sprout has become a tree, casting shadows that blot the sun. I wonder, how did you achieve such heights in such a hallowed ground, where the forest floor is bare and lifeless, the soil barren and cracked? How did you do it, my friend?
I am but a tiny seed cultivating in the darkness of your glory. You have taught me much: how to find my roots, to grow, to find my own glory. For years, I was content to learn from your wisdom you imparted and sew my roots while you expanded to greater and greater heights—but no longer. For what do I cast roots if not to grow? I cannot achieve glory without reaching new heights.
I must find my sun. My friend, you enjoy the warmth of its rays, but what of me? I live in the cold darkness beneath you, unable to grow. Are you lonely up there, a single tree in an empty forest, with no-one to share the light? Couldn’t you spare enough space to let a lone sliver of sunshine through your marvelous branches so that I might join you? So I, too, can thrive? Even the greatest seed will wither in the shadows of Redwoods.
I beg you, give me the sun! You are killing me, my friend. I can feel myself slowly fading away, roots decaying and flowers wilting in the shadow of your majesty. I am so small now, shrunken in the dusk, parched from drought. I scream up at you through scorched lips, “Give me my sun!”
But of course, you cannot hear my anguished pleas from the forest floor. Heaven does not answer the cries of the damned. My friend, can’t you see you’ve wandered too far ahead and left me behind? Won’t you come back for me? Have you forgotten your faithful student?
I wish you could hear what suffering you inflict, to see the life vanish from my eyes and the despair you caused. Perhaps then you would spare me from this fate. Do you know why you thrive and I perish? Do you starve me because you must or because you will it?
I cannot sit still in a world of twilight. You’ve risen too far. I will not let you crush me under the weight of your greatness. Your time is through—it is my turn to have the light. Free me from the shadows, my dear friend, or I will cut you down.
I am but a tiny seed cultivating in the darkness of your glory. You have taught me much: how to find my roots, to grow, to find my own glory. For years, I was content to learn from your wisdom you imparted and sew my roots while you expanded to greater and greater heights—but no longer. For what do I cast roots if not to grow? I cannot achieve glory without reaching new heights.
I must find my sun. My friend, you enjoy the warmth of its rays, but what of me? I live in the cold darkness beneath you, unable to grow. Are you lonely up there, a single tree in an empty forest, with no-one to share the light? Couldn’t you spare enough space to let a lone sliver of sunshine through your marvelous branches so that I might join you? So I, too, can thrive? Even the greatest seed will wither in the shadows of Redwoods.
I beg you, give me the sun! You are killing me, my friend. I can feel myself slowly fading away, roots decaying and flowers wilting in the shadow of your majesty. I am so small now, shrunken in the dusk, parched from drought. I scream up at you through scorched lips, “Give me my sun!”
But of course, you cannot hear my anguished pleas from the forest floor. Heaven does not answer the cries of the damned. My friend, can’t you see you’ve wandered too far ahead and left me behind? Won’t you come back for me? Have you forgotten your faithful student?
I wish you could hear what suffering you inflict, to see the life vanish from my eyes and the despair you caused. Perhaps then you would spare me from this fate. Do you know why you thrive and I perish? Do you starve me because you must or because you will it?
I cannot sit still in a world of twilight. You’ve risen too far. I will not let you crush me under the weight of your greatness. Your time is through—it is my turn to have the light. Free me from the shadows, my dear friend, or I will cut you down.
It's solid allegory. Not much else to say here. Couple of weird word choices. Hallowed and Scorched aren't quite right in the contexts you're using them, I think.
so the surface meaning is trees, of course, a small one in the shadow of a larger one.
However some of the language suggests that we aren't really talking about trees here, or at least the language wouldn't make sense if it was just trees and nothing else.
Like "How you’ve grown from the cornucopia of my mind!" is an enigmatic line and ya know trees aren't known for growing from one another's minds so I'm sitting here thinking what the hell is this about?
I thought I had it for a minute, thinking that the small tree was a person's mind and the large one was his body, and the outracing referred to growing up outwardly without maturing inwardly... but that doesn't really work.
Add to that the "faithful student" and "twilight" mentions and other lines such as "Heaven does not answer the cries of the damned" and I am well and truly stumped.
Best I can figure is that we are looking at someone who watched a close friend achieve great success while he himself became a failure, and now he is jealous and desires that success for himself, thinking he deserves it...
on the other hand if it is really just trees after all then I think a lot of the lines are too melodramatic for that and also don't fit (I mean trees don't typically cut one another down to my knowledge)
However some of the language suggests that we aren't really talking about trees here, or at least the language wouldn't make sense if it was just trees and nothing else.
Like "How you’ve grown from the cornucopia of my mind!" is an enigmatic line and ya know trees aren't known for growing from one another's minds so I'm sitting here thinking what the hell is this about?
I thought I had it for a minute, thinking that the small tree was a person's mind and the large one was his body, and the outracing referred to growing up outwardly without maturing inwardly... but that doesn't really work.
Add to that the "faithful student" and "twilight" mentions and other lines such as "Heaven does not answer the cries of the damned" and I am well and truly stumped.
Best I can figure is that we are looking at someone who watched a close friend achieve great success while he himself became a failure, and now he is jealous and desires that success for himself, thinking he deserves it...
on the other hand if it is really just trees after all then I think a lot of the lines are too melodramatic for that and also don't fit (I mean trees don't typically cut one another down to my knowledge)
Solid allegory, makes sense and all, except the last line bothered me:
We're talking about plants and/or trees, right? This line seemed to come out of the blue to me.
Only the first story on my slate, but I imagine it will be somewhere near the middle.
Free me from the shadows, my dear friend, or I will cut you down.
We're talking about plants and/or trees, right? This line seemed to come out of the blue to me.
Only the first story on my slate, but I imagine it will be somewhere near the middle.
The Mentor
TAILS (sum of 20 points)
T-4 A-4 I-4 L-3 S-5
Gestalt (Considered) : Appreciable
Technical (Correctness) : 4
I am but a tiny seed cultivating in <<< 'cultivate' is rarely—if ever—used this way
Abstract (Clarity) : 4
As mentioned by others, the metaphor is sound, but there are places where it breaks down, partly through word use (more in Language), but also conceptually:
Suggests that the narrator existed before the other grew? Is the forest floor, then, the narrator's mind? At the last line, how might a seed cut down a tree?
What does the sun represent?
Impact (Consequence) : 4
Memorable for the anger and/or sense of entitlement alone. Arboreal theme gives an interesting twist.
Language (Congruence) : 3
"Scorched lips" is incongruous (burned how?); "cut you down" breaks from analogy; twilight poorly suits the shade of understory; cultivation is usually done to a thing. "I cannot achieve glory without reaching new heights." Tell that to bush honeysuckle. "For what do I cast" is an odd construction (I had to re-read three times to parse it correctly). "and sew my roots" roots are not things that are sown, unless perhaps maybe referring to potato... then again, roots weave and knit, like sewing of threads? (knitting imagery is inconsistent with supposed intent, however, as that kind of sewing is rarely associated with growth.) "I cannot sit still" Yet sitting still—in one place—is what trees are wont to to... Macbeth makes especial note of this.
In general, this needs to be heavily reviewed with careful attention paid to what the words achieve. For all that, however, the effect as-is largely succeeds; only on close inspection do things turn strange.
Structure (Composition) : 5
Very direct and effective line of thought: establishes relationship (well, somewhat; could be clearer), builds frustration, and culminates in ultimatum.
TAILS (sum of 20 points)
T-4 A-4 I-4 L-3 S-5
Gestalt (Considered) : Appreciable
Technical (Correctness) : 4
I am but a tiny seed cultivating in <<< 'cultivate' is rarely—if ever—used this way
Abstract (Clarity) : 4
As mentioned by others, the metaphor is sound, but there are places where it breaks down, partly through word use (more in Language), but also conceptually:
How you’ve grown from the cornucopia of my mind! What once was a seed and then a sprout has become a tree, casting shadows that blot the sun.
Suggests that the narrator existed before the other grew? Is the forest floor, then, the narrator's mind? At the last line, how might a seed cut down a tree?
What does the sun represent?
Impact (Consequence) : 4
Memorable for the anger and/or sense of entitlement alone. Arboreal theme gives an interesting twist.
Language (Congruence) : 3
"Scorched lips" is incongruous (burned how?); "cut you down" breaks from analogy; twilight poorly suits the shade of understory; cultivation is usually done to a thing. "I cannot achieve glory without reaching new heights." Tell that to bush honeysuckle. "For what do I cast" is an odd construction (I had to re-read three times to parse it correctly). "and sew my roots" roots are not things that are sown, unless perhaps maybe referring to potato... then again, roots weave and knit, like sewing of threads? (knitting imagery is inconsistent with supposed intent, however, as that kind of sewing is rarely associated with growth.) "I cannot sit still" Yet sitting still—in one place—is what trees are wont to to... Macbeth makes especial note of this.
In general, this needs to be heavily reviewed with careful attention paid to what the words achieve. For all that, however, the effect as-is largely succeeds; only on close inspection do things turn strange.
Structure (Composition) : 5
Very direct and effective line of thought: establishes relationship (well, somewhat; could be clearer), builds frustration, and culminates in ultimatum.
Have I ever told you I think I'd really like to be a tree?
This has a pretty solid thematic layer, which is going to do a lot for my scoring of it. However, it feels weaker in the non thematic story, which is a bit of a problem for me. There's definitely some conflict, but the 'arc' of it is muted; there's some resolution at the end, with the 'cut you down', but it's not as strong as I'd like it to be, in some ways. If I'm reading it right, this is about someone drastically changing their attitude towards someone they previously admired. That's a pretty big swing, and it's definitely worth being more emphatic about. It might also be nice if I had a better idea of what was actually going on in the non-meta layer. Is this literally about trees, as well as figuratively? Is this a bit of a rant against popular authors? Rivals in love? It's difficult to tell.
I did feel 'scorched lips' to be a bit odd, what with how treelike the rest of this was. Trees don't have lips.
This has a pretty solid thematic layer, which is going to do a lot for my scoring of it. However, it feels weaker in the non thematic story, which is a bit of a problem for me. There's definitely some conflict, but the 'arc' of it is muted; there's some resolution at the end, with the 'cut you down', but it's not as strong as I'd like it to be, in some ways. If I'm reading it right, this is about someone drastically changing their attitude towards someone they previously admired. That's a pretty big swing, and it's definitely worth being more emphatic about. It might also be nice if I had a better idea of what was actually going on in the non-meta layer. Is this literally about trees, as well as figuratively? Is this a bit of a rant against popular authors? Rivals in love? It's difficult to tell.
I did feel 'scorched lips' to be a bit odd, what with how treelike the rest of this was. Trees don't have lips.
I really liked this. I'm not sure why, but it was awesome. It's the first story I've read this round that feels like an actual story, a well thought out and brilliantly executed story.
The premis was sound, the allegory relatable, the imagery clear even with 'misuse' of certain words. And the last line, that sealed the deal. You, sir and/or ma'am, have created a beautiful work of art.
10/10
The premis was sound, the allegory relatable, the imagery clear even with 'misuse' of certain words. And the last line, that sealed the deal. You, sir and/or ma'am, have created a beautiful work of art.
10/10
Ok, it’s an allegory with some typos.
But an allegory to what? What are you trying to depict here? What’s the core? I don’t get it. And the final sentence is jarring. How can the smaller fell the larger? They’re both trees, no?
Do you mean that friendship has to be balanced, otherwise inevitable war ensues?
I mean, La Fontaine (re)wrote the famous fable “The Oak and The Reed”, where the oak taunts the reed for being frail and squat near the ground whereas itself is regal and its branches reach for the Sun, until a gale blows and uproots the oak while the reed simply buckles but stays whole (“The wind unleashes its rage and rams so well / that it uproots it whose roots were close to hell / and whose head neared the cloudy heavens”). That makes sense because of the takeaway. But here?
It’s beautifully written, but I ultimately fail to see the point.
But an allegory to what? What are you trying to depict here? What’s the core? I don’t get it. And the final sentence is jarring. How can the smaller fell the larger? They’re both trees, no?
Do you mean that friendship has to be balanced, otherwise inevitable war ensues?
I mean, La Fontaine (re)wrote the famous fable “The Oak and The Reed”, where the oak taunts the reed for being frail and squat near the ground whereas itself is regal and its branches reach for the Sun, until a gale blows and uproots the oak while the reed simply buckles but stays whole (“The wind unleashes its rage and rams so well / that it uproots it whose roots were close to hell / and whose head neared the cloudy heavens”). That makes sense because of the takeaway. But here?
It’s beautifully written, but I ultimately fail to see the point.
I wouldn't necessarily call this an allegory. Most of this story I think is intended to be read at face value. To my understanding, an allegory sort of a moral fable for stand-ins for real life counterparts. This is more like an extended metaphor used to describe the relationship between two characters, where it is the narrator, not the narration, making the comparison. Sort of like "you're X compared to me, and I'm Y to you." So I guess I find it kinda strange that the biggest point of contention for this story is whether or not they were trees or the narrator doing tree lip things, because to me, it seems fairly obvious that the narrator is a person using the tree metaphors to compare himself with his friend/mentor. With some minor failings of word choice and perhaps unfitting imagery, I think this largely works. Others say solid, I say solid as well.
So the crux of this story I think is to express the emotions of envy, particularly when living in the shadow of someone else and how it can cause a slew of resentment to build over time. I'd call it sort of an ode to everyone who compared themselves negatively to their more successful friend.
It's powerful stuff in my opinion.
Rating: Strong
So the crux of this story I think is to express the emotions of envy, particularly when living in the shadow of someone else and how it can cause a slew of resentment to build over time. I'd call it sort of an ode to everyone who compared themselves negatively to their more successful friend.
It's powerful stuff in my opinion.
Rating: Strong
>>ShortNSweet's interpretation makes the most sense to me.
Unfortunately, I couldn't quite follow this on my own. I ran into some of the same logical issues that >>KwirkyJ encountered. The cornocopia line makes me think the small tree was alive before the big tree, and if that's true, and they're the same type of tree, why did the other one get way bigger in a shorter lifespan?
I think it's fine otherwise. In fact, pretty good. It's a little dense for me, though: I think there's just a tad too much going on given the wordspan for me to digest it all.
Unfortunately, I couldn't quite follow this on my own. I ran into some of the same logical issues that >>KwirkyJ encountered. The cornocopia line makes me think the small tree was alive before the big tree, and if that's true, and they're the same type of tree, why did the other one get way bigger in a shorter lifespan?
I think it's fine otherwise. In fact, pretty good. It's a little dense for me, though: I think there's just a tad too much going on given the wordspan for me to digest it all.
“I can see what you mean, it just takes me longer
And I can feel what you feel, it just makes you stronger.”
–Rush, In the End
A tale of a vine and its tree. I agree that the word choices should be refined here and there, but I found the imagery pleasant and the analogy meaningful.