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Faux Pas de Deux
–His fist slammed into my throat. I reeled back, choking, dropping the woewood staff, which hit the stone floor in a shower of black sparks.
Only five minutes, I’d been about to shout. My head was buzzing and I couldn’t recall the rest. Well, I was in it now; there was nothing to do but fight for it.
He dove for the staff and I grabbed it just in time, coughing blood. He seized it as well, shoving and wrenching, trying to wrest it from me. “Stand down,” I screeched through the pain. “You don’t understand–”
“What’s there to understand?” he shouted. “All I have to do is kill you and claim the staff, and I can escape from this abominable curse. Only one may cast free of the temporal loop, said the Judge of the Tribunal.”
I recovered my strength and pushed him back from me with a twisting move, breaking his grip on the staff and sending him flying into the corner to land on his rump. I hoped that it broke his pelvis, for all the good it would do.
“You idiot. They don’t want either of us to escape. We’ve caused them too many problems and they’re too ethically conflicted to simply kill us, so they did the worse thing and consigned us to this.” I gestured around us at the small stone chamber.
He got to his feet. “You’re lying to me. They’ve got to leave us a way out of here. Some small chance at redemption. It’s in the laws–”
“You are technically right, and they technically did. But for such as you and me, it’s a stalemate. The ritual of escape takes just under five minutes to cast. Do you think I’m going to just sit back and watch you cast that spell to leave without me, any more than you would?”
“How do you know this about the ritual?” He stopped sneering as he searched my expression.
“The staff imparts this knowledge to the last one who alone touched it. You’re not remembering this because the loop resets everything else. I suppose they wanted to be merciful.” I spat more blood on the floor. “Why is it that the merciful people always seem to devise the worst of hells?”
He smirked and shook his head. “Well, supposing what you say is true, I don’t see that it changes anything. It’s still you or me, and I obviously need the staff to cast the spell. Nothing personal…” He tensed, ready to spring.
I screeched through my bruised throat. “No! Will you just listen to me? It won’t help you now! The loop itself is–”
He lunged and struck out at me, and–
Only five minutes, I’d been about to shout. My head was buzzing and I couldn’t recall the rest. Well, I was in it now; there was nothing to do but fight for it.
He dove for the staff and I grabbed it just in time, coughing blood. He seized it as well, shoving and wrenching, trying to wrest it from me. “Stand down,” I screeched through the pain. “You don’t understand–”
“What’s there to understand?” he shouted. “All I have to do is kill you and claim the staff, and I can escape from this abominable curse. Only one may cast free of the temporal loop, said the Judge of the Tribunal.”
I recovered my strength and pushed him back from me with a twisting move, breaking his grip on the staff and sending him flying into the corner to land on his rump. I hoped that it broke his pelvis, for all the good it would do.
“You idiot. They don’t want either of us to escape. We’ve caused them too many problems and they’re too ethically conflicted to simply kill us, so they did the worse thing and consigned us to this.” I gestured around us at the small stone chamber.
He got to his feet. “You’re lying to me. They’ve got to leave us a way out of here. Some small chance at redemption. It’s in the laws–”
“You are technically right, and they technically did. But for such as you and me, it’s a stalemate. The ritual of escape takes just under five minutes to cast. Do you think I’m going to just sit back and watch you cast that spell to leave without me, any more than you would?”
“How do you know this about the ritual?” He stopped sneering as he searched my expression.
“The staff imparts this knowledge to the last one who alone touched it. You’re not remembering this because the loop resets everything else. I suppose they wanted to be merciful.” I spat more blood on the floor. “Why is it that the merciful people always seem to devise the worst of hells?”
He smirked and shook his head. “Well, supposing what you say is true, I don’t see that it changes anything. It’s still you or me, and I obviously need the staff to cast the spell. Nothing personal…” He tensed, ready to spring.
I screeched through my bruised throat. “No! Will you just listen to me? It won’t help you now! The loop itself is–”
He lunged and struck out at me, and–
Couldn't get into this one, unfortunately.
I had a bit of trouble orienting myself and figuring out what was going on. I get that it's a time loop. I just don't really know who these people are and why they're fighting.
I had a bit of trouble orienting myself and figuring out what was going on. I get that it's a time loop. I just don't really know who these people are and why they're fighting.
Needs a bit of editorial tightening. Some better word choice (e.g. not reusing screeching, probably not using it in general - it is a weird choice for an injured throat) and the like would go a long towards improving it.
The idea is cute, but the loop is strange, since it appears to start in a weird spot if this is some sort of imprisonment inflicted on them by a ruling body. Like, I seriously have no idea why the loop occurs in the middle of punching or what circumstances would lead it to be that point.
Aside from that, yeah, as Front says, aside from the structure, there's really nothing to get into here. We don't end up with any real idea of who the characters are aside from Bad People, apparently. While the core conflict between them is clear, I just don't really have a reason to care about it.
The idea is cute, but the loop is strange, since it appears to start in a weird spot if this is some sort of imprisonment inflicted on them by a ruling body. Like, I seriously have no idea why the loop occurs in the middle of punching or what circumstances would lead it to be that point.
Aside from that, yeah, as Front says, aside from the structure, there's really nothing to get into here. We don't end up with any real idea of who the characters are aside from Bad People, apparently. While the core conflict between them is clear, I just don't really have a reason to care about it.
Huh, I kinda like this idea. Sealing someone up with their worst enemy inside a time-loop would be a great way to have Sealed Evil in Can. I guess it hinges on one of two things - them reacting the same way every time (causality is actually fixed) or neither of them being able to kill the other and also cast the whole spell in under five minutes.
Still, I kinda wish I had a better idea of why these two were fighting. While the middle of the story does tell us enough about the situation to make the opening and closing sensible, it doesn't really give us much in the way of character background or motivation or what. And there's no real expectation that they'll escape; I had a pretty good idea where this was going once 'time loops' were mentioned, which cut some of the tension out of it. If it was less obviously a time-loop, and then it looked like one of them would make it out, but the loop swung in on a stinger... I think I'd find that more impressive. Well, that's got it's own pitfalls too, I guess, but yeah.
Clever, with tight prose, although there's not a whole lot more to this than the twist.
Still, I kinda wish I had a better idea of why these two were fighting. While the middle of the story does tell us enough about the situation to make the opening and closing sensible, it doesn't really give us much in the way of character background or motivation or what. And there's no real expectation that they'll escape; I had a pretty good idea where this was going once 'time loops' were mentioned, which cut some of the tension out of it. If it was less obviously a time-loop, and then it looked like one of them would make it out, but the loop swung in on a stinger... I think I'd find that more impressive. Well, that's got it's own pitfalls too, I guess, but yeah.
Clever, with tight prose, although there's not a whole lot more to this than the twist.
Bap! Coming out of retirement to give some more ShortNSweet reviews to those that need it (and maybe some that don't).
So this story is unfortunately lobbed in with No Choice and The Postman for being stories essentially using the same idea of a looping narrative. Of the three, this story probably is the weakest in execution and substance. While the other two have some intrigue to their loops, (No Choice in the emotions of the character and The Postman in the novelty of its spin on the idea), this one leans heavily on its identity as a loop story to engage the reader, and a lot of the text is devoted to deliver exposition for why the two characters have been put in this situation. In terms of crafting of the prose, the story is functional but not particularly artistic, and the dialogue is a bit on the nose. It is a story I would say has no huge issues in construction but does not attempt to achieve great heights either. In the context of this competition, I feel it is about the same.
Rating: Okay
So this story is unfortunately lobbed in with No Choice and The Postman for being stories essentially using the same idea of a looping narrative. Of the three, this story probably is the weakest in execution and substance. While the other two have some intrigue to their loops, (No Choice in the emotions of the character and The Postman in the novelty of its spin on the idea), this one leans heavily on its identity as a loop story to engage the reader, and a lot of the text is devoted to deliver exposition for why the two characters have been put in this situation. In terms of crafting of the prose, the story is functional but not particularly artistic, and the dialogue is a bit on the nose. It is a story I would say has no huge issues in construction but does not attempt to achieve great heights either. In the context of this competition, I feel it is about the same.
Rating: Okay
I already wrote a thing about time loops and dashes, and it very much applies to this story! You should probably read it before reading the rest of this: >>QuillScratch
Okay, now that's out of the way I want to talk a bit more about this story's specific time loop, because you have to remember that comment was all about whether or not the two halves of a loop should link up smoothly—and at the end of the day, that really does depend on whether or not the place that you break the story in is a continuous break. Cast a glance over at No Choice for a moment, if you haven't already. See how it has a clear break in its loop, but that spot isn't in the same place as the break between start and end of the story? For that kind of structure, I would absolutely recommend dropping the dashes, but for the kind of structure you've portrayed here I'm not so sure I should.
See, there are two ways to read your story: either the loop is completely continuous, and there are not intended to be any breaks or "jumps" from future to past from the perspective of the characters in the loop; or, like No Choice, there is definitely a spot in the loop where the participants can clearly notice a discontinuity—something they can point at and say "Then. That was when we jumped back in time." Your current punctuation suggests the latter, and it suggests that it is at the point of the dashes; if you want to imply the former, I'd thoroughly recommend dropping them for all the reasons listed above.
Anyway, that was an awful lot of discussion of your use of two pieces of punctuation, and I want to take a moment to focus on the rest of your writing. I really liked this piece—I thought it achieved everything a good minific should do, and it made me hungry to find out more about this world without feeling like it should itself be expanded. This is well-contained, and I like that! Some of your word choices feel a little strange, but it's certainly not enough to be jarring or to interrupt my immersion significantly. All in all, this is a very good entry.
But I still think you should cut the opening capital letter. You just shouldn't have one of those for no reason in the middle of a sentence.
Okay, now that's out of the way I want to talk a bit more about this story's specific time loop, because you have to remember that comment was all about whether or not the two halves of a loop should link up smoothly—and at the end of the day, that really does depend on whether or not the place that you break the story in is a continuous break. Cast a glance over at No Choice for a moment, if you haven't already. See how it has a clear break in its loop, but that spot isn't in the same place as the break between start and end of the story? For that kind of structure, I would absolutely recommend dropping the dashes, but for the kind of structure you've portrayed here I'm not so sure I should.
See, there are two ways to read your story: either the loop is completely continuous, and there are not intended to be any breaks or "jumps" from future to past from the perspective of the characters in the loop; or, like No Choice, there is definitely a spot in the loop where the participants can clearly notice a discontinuity—something they can point at and say "Then. That was when we jumped back in time." Your current punctuation suggests the latter, and it suggests that it is at the point of the dashes; if you want to imply the former, I'd thoroughly recommend dropping them for all the reasons listed above.
Anyway, that was an awful lot of discussion of your use of two pieces of punctuation, and I want to take a moment to focus on the rest of your writing. I really liked this piece—I thought it achieved everything a good minific should do, and it made me hungry to find out more about this world without feeling like it should itself be expanded. This is well-contained, and I like that! Some of your word choices feel a little strange, but it's certainly not enough to be jarring or to interrupt my immersion significantly. All in all, this is a very good entry.
But I still think you should cut the opening capital letter. You just shouldn't have one of those for no reason in the middle of a sentence.
Post by
Shadowed_Song
, deleted
The largest problem for me is that I'm not certain how this all works, given that the loop you illustrate is precisely matched, which means it's also completely predestined, so it isn't really a trap with an out at all. Even if somepony wanted to let the other go, there's no way they could. It's like a etching presented with the idea that it presents an ethical dilemma—but it isn't; it's just an etching.
I think the beginning dash and the mention of 'temporal loop' both steal some of the punch of the story, but it's still very inventive.
I'm left wondering too much about the people who were responsible for setting the loop. That feels unfinished to me.
I think the beginning dash and the mention of 'temporal loop' both steal some of the punch of the story, but it's still very inventive.
I'm left wondering too much about the people who were responsible for setting the loop. That feels unfinished to me.
I just realized another problem. This time loop is not five minutes long. We're talking two minutes, tops, and even that's a stretch.
Also, who's to say the Council wouldn't just reward the one who gives the staff away by letting them go instead? Seems like dropping the staff and letting the other guy have it is the best option.
Also, who's to say the Council wouldn't just reward the one who gives the staff away by letting them go instead? Seems like dropping the staff and letting the other guy have it is the best option.
I much agree with Trick. This doesn’t much looks like a time loop, because it seems everything gets done the same way at each iteration, making it rather a video played over and over indefinitely.
Also, you introduce fantasy elements, but those elements are pure eye candies since nowhere in your fiction does anyone get the chance of using them. Change the decor, make it current or futuristic, you end up with the same story. So yeah, a bit generic here.
— in all, a fairly well written story which failed to grasp my attention. I was hoping for some kind of explanation but, reaching the end of the story, I found none, so I was left with the feeling that it was, —
Also, you introduce fantasy elements, but those elements are pure eye candies since nowhere in your fiction does anyone get the chance of using them. Change the decor, make it current or futuristic, you end up with the same story. So yeah, a bit generic here.
— in all, a fairly well written story which failed to grasp my attention. I was hoping for some kind of explanation but, reaching the end of the story, I found none, so I was left with the feeling that it was, —
Deep driven in cold soil sleep the seeds,
Sunken deep within the worm-churned loam.
Each bears a cryptic list of future deeds
Encoded in a nucleaic tome.
They burst with questing tendrils–see, one speeds!
It makes this clot of earth its rooted home.
And sending skyward shoots amongst the weeds
However may its spirit come to roam?
With spreading leaves bejeweled with dewy beads
It opens wide, upon the sun it feeds!
It opens buds below celestial dome
and taunts the bees to build their honeycomb
With precious pollen, bait to suit their needs,
Its germens borne upon these bumbling steeds…
Well, this was the start of what I wanted to write, but I lost my inspiration after sonnet two, so I cast about for something else and created this thing. I might have done better by submitting the sonnets with some filler at the end, or had I not insisted on taking the prompt literally.
>>FrontSevens
>>AndrewRogue
>>Not_A_Hat
>>ShortNSweet
>>QuillScratch
>>Shadowed_Song
>>Trick_Question
>>Monokeras
I didn’t really try to flesh out the characters, partly because of minific constraints (I like Georg’s comment here) and partly because I was working on the right way to convey the loop, which I regarded as the main point of the story. I originally wanted the loop to be more complex but my tired brain didn’t find a way to make it work in time. I had to settle for trying to make the opening statement mean something else after you’d looped once around the story (that these two antagonists are screwed because one can’t defeat the other and still have time to cast the spell of escape before everything resets, and they will never altruistically cooperate).
I started with an SF setting, but settled for fantasy since SF has stricter constraints (that is, if you care about making a proper effort in the genre). I would have felt obliged to give at least a token science justification in an SF story, but with magic I only have to make it self consistent.
Should I proceed with this story, I think I will try to find a way by which they can both escape from this loop. That will involve building in some character and backstory, which should resolve some of the complaints. Showing iterations of the loop and growth of the characters despite the resets should prove more satisfying as a story.
Thanks for the praise and criticism!
Sunken deep within the worm-churned loam.
Each bears a cryptic list of future deeds
Encoded in a nucleaic tome.
They burst with questing tendrils–see, one speeds!
It makes this clot of earth its rooted home.
And sending skyward shoots amongst the weeds
However may its spirit come to roam?
With spreading leaves bejeweled with dewy beads
It opens wide, upon the sun it feeds!
It opens buds below celestial dome
and taunts the bees to build their honeycomb
With precious pollen, bait to suit their needs,
Its germens borne upon these bumbling steeds…
Well, this was the start of what I wanted to write, but I lost my inspiration after sonnet two, so I cast about for something else and created this thing. I might have done better by submitting the sonnets with some filler at the end, or had I not insisted on taking the prompt literally.
>>FrontSevens
>>AndrewRogue
>>Not_A_Hat
>>ShortNSweet
>>QuillScratch
>>Shadowed_Song
>>Trick_Question
>>Monokeras
I didn’t really try to flesh out the characters, partly because of minific constraints (I like Georg’s comment here) and partly because I was working on the right way to convey the loop, which I regarded as the main point of the story. I originally wanted the loop to be more complex but my tired brain didn’t find a way to make it work in time. I had to settle for trying to make the opening statement mean something else after you’d looped once around the story (that these two antagonists are screwed because one can’t defeat the other and still have time to cast the spell of escape before everything resets, and they will never altruistically cooperate).
I started with an SF setting, but settled for fantasy since SF has stricter constraints (that is, if you care about making a proper effort in the genre). I would have felt obliged to give at least a token science justification in an SF story, but with magic I only have to make it self consistent.
Should I proceed with this story, I think I will try to find a way by which they can both escape from this loop. That will involve building in some character and backstory, which should resolve some of the complaints. Showing iterations of the loop and growth of the characters despite the resets should prove more satisfying as a story.
Thanks for the praise and criticism!
>>Trick_Question
This is in fact a good way out of the loop, but I’d have to find a way for them to discover that, given that they both seem like nasty suspicious types.
>>Monokeras
…The recursive review!
Special props for...
Also, who’s to say the Council wouldn’t just reward the one who gives the staff away by letting them go instead? Seems like dropping the staff and letting the other guy have it is the best option.
This is in fact a good way out of the loop, but I’d have to find a way for them to discover that, given that they both seem like nasty suspicious types.
>>Monokeras
…The recursive review!
Special props for...