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Tier: Helicopter Stage Parents who are actually gods so what are you going to do about it, really?
Fun sort of rewind of the tape back to the near start of Luna's inevitable downfall, with a big of big brother mystery put in. Unfortunately, we don't really get much more context or emotional hook than what we already know will happen, so the balloon is deflated somewhat. Good seeds, though.
Fun sort of rewind of the tape back to the near start of Luna's inevitable downfall, with a big of big brother mystery put in. Unfortunately, we don't really get much more context or emotional hook than what we already know will happen, so the balloon is deflated somewhat. Good seeds, though.
I'm lost here. This takes place in pony world, yeah? Then what's with Trixie denying that she uses magic? Isn't Trixie's whole thing that she's a great magician?
I mean:
Uh?
On first read, I thought this was implying that Mare just drank the water without asking permission, and that was quite funny.
I mean:
“A magician never reveals her secrets to anyone else!”
“Then it’s magic. Q.E.D.”
Uh?
“Then you dived into that glass of water, and I drank it, and you were gone, and then I spat it up, and you jumped out of it and landed next to me! Cos you really did it, didn’t you?”
On first read, I thought this was implying that Mare just drank the water without asking permission, and that was quite funny.
I think you need more whitespace between your second and third scenes (i.e. the break in the illusion). Or at the very least, a different sort of transition to indicate that we're not just taking a small jump in time and space like the previous transition.
A few awkward lines, like "Sympathy reflected in Mrs. Cake's eyes" and "she voiced in a deeper pitch out of one side of her mouth". But on the whole, this was good. Once Cup mentioned Gummy, you definitely had me hooked, wondering who it was that these two were talking about.
Getting back to this...
Genre: Limestone
Thoughts: I think >>Bachiavellian says it pretty well: this is a Writeoff-sized chunk of lime-flavored goodness that resolves a little too easily right now. I feel like there’s deliberateness in how the story tries to make use of both dialogue and action—and I think the latter is a key thing it’s banking on—in its attempts to set this up and justify it. But unfortunately I just don’t think it quite lands at this point.
That doesn’t make this bad, though. Again, I think I can see what the story is trying to do there. I get the feeling that we’re meant to accept that Limestone is willing to open up more once she gets Pinkie to shut up and get out of her face. TBH, I’m good with that interpretation, but I think less Limestone-centric readers could use more help to justify that leap. Help could come in the form of stretching that moment out with more words to help ease people into it; conversely, I think being more careful with Limestone’s word choice could go a long way. Like if Pinkie’s trying to get her to accept help, don’t have her literally say “I need help”— making it more oblique would let Limestone “save face,” which might (again) help people get there in a way that’d feel more natural.
A’ight, now I get bogged down in the details a bit because it’s Limestone and I loves me some Limestone. The bottom line is that I think it’s great seeing more of her, and I think the story itself here is otherwise pretty heartfelt and well-put-together.
Tier: Almost There
Genre: Limestone
Thoughts: I think >>Bachiavellian says it pretty well: this is a Writeoff-sized chunk of lime-flavored goodness that resolves a little too easily right now. I feel like there’s deliberateness in how the story tries to make use of both dialogue and action—and I think the latter is a key thing it’s banking on—in its attempts to set this up and justify it. But unfortunately I just don’t think it quite lands at this point.
That doesn’t make this bad, though. Again, I think I can see what the story is trying to do there. I get the feeling that we’re meant to accept that Limestone is willing to open up more once she gets Pinkie to shut up and get out of her face. TBH, I’m good with that interpretation, but I think less Limestone-centric readers could use more help to justify that leap. Help could come in the form of stretching that moment out with more words to help ease people into it; conversely, I think being more careful with Limestone’s word choice could go a long way. Like if Pinkie’s trying to get her to accept help, don’t have her literally say “I need help”— making it more oblique would let Limestone “save face,” which might (again) help people get there in a way that’d feel more natural.
A’ight, now I get bogged down in the details a bit because it’s Limestone and I loves me some Limestone. The bottom line is that I think it’s great seeing more of her, and I think the story itself here is otherwise pretty heartfelt and well-put-together.
Tier: Almost There
(Art) Genre: Sean Connery
(Art) Thoughts: My impressions, in rough order of having them: Wow, that Starlight is gorgeous. Why does Twilight have a huge battle scar or war paint? WHY ARE CHEESE CURDS STREAMING DOWN CHRYSALIS' FACE
Ultimately I think I like this, though. It's expressive as heck, even if I don't have a good sense of context. It's rendered well, and it gives us an absurd scenario. That's all I really want.
(Art Tier): Low High
(Art) Thoughts: My impressions, in rough order of having them: Wow, that Starlight is gorgeous. Why does Twilight have a huge battle scar or war paint? WHY ARE CHEESE CURDS STREAMING DOWN CHRYSALIS' FACE
Ultimately I think I like this, though. It's expressive as heck, even if I don't have a good sense of context. It's rendered well, and it gives us an absurd scenario. That's all I really want.
(Art Tier): Low High
(Art) Genre: Oroboro
(Art) Thoughts: This is pretty, and characterful, if a bit simple-feeling. I contrast this a bit with the one with the ponies facing away tearing up the letter; I don't think this quite conveys as strong of an underlying emotion. Not that it has to, though! I think this is quite good as a "prompt," as it leaves things open-ended enough to get several kinds of stories out of. I think some of the roughness limits it purely as a standalone art piece, though.
(Art Tier): Medium
(Art) Thoughts: This is pretty, and characterful, if a bit simple-feeling. I contrast this a bit with the one with the ponies facing away tearing up the letter; I don't think this quite conveys as strong of an underlying emotion. Not that it has to, though! I think this is quite good as a "prompt," as it leaves things open-ended enough to get several kinds of stories out of. I think some of the roughness limits it purely as a standalone art piece, though.
(Art Tier): Medium
(Art) Genre: Rum
(Art) Thoughts: This is fun, expressive, and simple in a good way.
(Art Tier): High
(Art) Thoughts: This is fun, expressive, and simple in a good way.
(Art Tier): High
>>Rao
From what i can tell the hair is recolored photos of hair stuck together ! I havent seen anyone really mention that just yet so I had to say something ! ( Theres a small section where the brown hair didnt get colored in, i didnt even really register that was what was going on at first glance until i had seen that )
The background is def a stock texture as well, possibly wet media brushes but more than likely stock image. Id call it 100% digital and partially photo manipulated !
( it kills me when people say 'especially for digital work', that was another big prompt for me to jump in here with a 'well actually' comment LOL )
From what i can tell the hair is recolored photos of hair stuck together ! I havent seen anyone really mention that just yet so I had to say something ! ( Theres a small section where the brown hair didnt get colored in, i didnt even really register that was what was going on at first glance until i had seen that )
The background is def a stock texture as well, possibly wet media brushes but more than likely stock image. Id call it 100% digital and partially photo manipulated !
( it kills me when people say 'especially for digital work', that was another big prompt for me to jump in here with a 'well actually' comment LOL )
(Art) Genre: Schematic
(Art) Thoughts: I'm rather partial to this one. To me, what sells this is the "WINGS" block right in the middle. That's plain funny.
I like all the various bits and bobs. Resistor-hooves are a gud idea. I kinda wish the eyes were different, though; right now they're sufficient to get the point across, but they skew a bit "creepy," if that makes sense.
(Art Tier): High Medium
(Art) Thoughts: I'm rather partial to this one. To me, what sells this is the "WINGS" block right in the middle. That's plain funny.
I like all the various bits and bobs. Resistor-hooves are a gud idea. I kinda wish the eyes were different, though; right now they're sufficient to get the point across, but they skew a bit "creepy," if that makes sense.
(Art Tier): High Medium
(Art) Genre: Dubs
(Art) Thoughts: If I had to sum this up in three words, I'd call it pretty, emotional, and expressive. I think it gets dinged a little for some smudging near Dash's butt. Otherwise though, this is good stuff.
(Art Tier): Low High
(Art) Thoughts: If I had to sum this up in three words, I'd call it pretty, emotional, and expressive. I think it gets dinged a little for some smudging near Dash's butt. Otherwise though, this is good stuff.
(Art Tier): Low High
(Art) Genre: _The Eyes_
(Art) Thoughts: I get a sense of something foreboding in this piece. I think the caption also points us toward a hint of something darker here. I can't put my finger on it, but I think it's effective at getting that across.
(Art Tier): Medium
(Art) Thoughts: I get a sense of something foreboding in this piece. I think the caption also points us toward a hint of something darker here. I can't put my finger on it, but I think it's effective at getting that across.
(Art Tier): Medium
>>teacorgi
Ah! I see the chunk of hair you're talking about now. Good catch. And, just for clarity, I say "for digital work" because that's the medium I use and I'm absolute tosh at getting anything resembling proper texturing. Anything that beats my low, internalized baseline is impressive to me and I geek out a little bit.
Ah! I see the chunk of hair you're talking about now. Good catch. And, just for clarity, I say "for digital work" because that's the medium I use and I'm absolute tosh at getting anything resembling proper texturing. Anything that beats my low, internalized baseline is impressive to me and I geek out a little bit.
(Art) Genre: War Never Changes
(Art) Thoughts: I'm partial to both Future Twilight and the S5 finale, and this is a fun (if simple) mashup of the two. I also see this got some stories, so boo to >>Moosetasm. :-p
There have been questions in the past about whether compositions consisting of previously existing art pieces should be allowed. I'm not sure if we ever fully answered that for ourselves. I think this offers a good example of the benefits that could come from allowing them, though. While this is ultimately not a complex piece, it's expressive and carries some potential. Plus, the Artist referenced their sources in the caption, so it's hard to complain on that level either.)
My one question/sticking point is, what's Twilight looking at on the ground? Looks a bit like a fossilized potato or some kind of... shall we say, "coprolite." IMO there would've been a great chance to give us more scene-setting and worldbuilding by giving us a specific and meaningful object for her to be lamenting. Or, if the coprolite wasn't meant to be a focus, then getting rid of it would've kept Twilight's focus on the world itself.
(Art Tier): High Medium
(Art) Thoughts: I'm partial to both Future Twilight and the S5 finale, and this is a fun (if simple) mashup of the two. I also see this got some stories, so boo to >>Moosetasm. :-p
There have been questions in the past about whether compositions consisting of previously existing art pieces should be allowed. I'm not sure if we ever fully answered that for ourselves. I think this offers a good example of the benefits that could come from allowing them, though. While this is ultimately not a complex piece, it's expressive and carries some potential. Plus, the Artist referenced their sources in the caption, so it's hard to complain on that level either.)
My one question/sticking point is, what's Twilight looking at on the ground? Looks a bit like a fossilized potato or some kind of... shall we say, "coprolite." IMO there would've been a great chance to give us more scene-setting and worldbuilding by giving us a specific and meaningful object for her to be lamenting. Or, if the coprolite wasn't meant to be a focus, then getting rid of it would've kept Twilight's focus on the world itself.
(Art Tier): High Medium
(Art) Genre: Big Fluffy Pon x2
(Art) Thoughts: Wow, I don't know where to start with this one. This is quite beautiful, though very distant from the show's style. Floof is to the max. It's not exactly what I look for in MLP art but I can recognize the mad skillz here.
This is where I wish I had art critic stuff I could talk about instead of gawking and ranking it #2 or something.
(Art Tier): Pretty Much Top
(Art) Thoughts: Wow, I don't know where to start with this one. This is quite beautiful, though very distant from the show's style. Floof is to the max. It's not exactly what I look for in MLP art but I can recognize the mad skillz here.
This is where I wish I had art critic stuff I could talk about instead of gawking and ranking it #2 or something.
(Art Tier): Pretty Much Top
(Art) Genre: The Stars Will Aid Her Outline
(Art) Thoughts: I lack the art thingie to offer a lot of detailed analysis here. But it's darn pretty! I'm guessing the Artist probably started with a single sketch, then traced it to make a copy of the lines and star positions, then just ran with it from there? It's a cool idea! It's well done, too.
Something something, art vote yes!
(Art Tier): High
(Art) Thoughts: I lack the art thingie to offer a lot of detailed analysis here. But it's darn pretty! I'm guessing the Artist probably started with a single sketch, then traced it to make a copy of the lines and star positions, then just ran with it from there? It's a cool idea! It's well done, too.
Something something, art vote yes!
(Art Tier): High
(Art) Genre: Bendy-Horn Moon
(Art) Thoughts: I think the combination of being heavily stylized, and using whatever medium it's in, make it a bit hard for me to get into this. Like others, I have many questions. I think >>Zaid Val'Roa suggests an answer that probably doesn't fit but is distractingly hilarious.
(Art Tier): Medium
(Art) Thoughts: I think the combination of being heavily stylized, and using whatever medium it's in, make it a bit hard for me to get into this. Like others, I have many questions. I think >>Zaid Val'Roa suggests an answer that probably doesn't fit but is distractingly hilarious.
(Art Tier): Medium
(Art) Genre: Pretty photo!
(Art) Thoughts: Not bad at all! Wherever the Artist lives must look pretty right now. I'm a bit surprised to see photography in an MLP art contest but I think this works.
(Art Tier): High
(Art) Thoughts: Not bad at all! Wherever the Artist lives must look pretty right now. I'm a bit surprised to see photography in an MLP art contest but I think this works.
(Art Tier): High
(Art) Genre: Literal book cover
(Art) Thoughts: Concept-wise, this is great. I feel like it's a bit rough and sketchy on execution, but then that's got as much to do with the medium as anything else. And hey, this got a bunch of stories! Kudos, Author.
(Art Tier): High Medium
(Art) Thoughts: Concept-wise, this is great. I feel like it's a bit rough and sketchy on execution, but then that's got as much to do with the medium as anything else. And hey, this got a bunch of stories! Kudos, Author.
(Art Tier): High Medium
(Art) Genre: Aristophanes
(Art) Thoughts: While very simple, I think this gets the job done. I can see the "stingray" and the caption helps. Good catch here!
(Art Tier): High Medium
(Art) Thoughts: While very simple, I think this gets the job done. I can see the "stingray" and the caption helps. Good catch here!
(Art Tier): High Medium
(Art) Genre: Andy Price
(Art) Thoughts: This looks borderline professional! Are you sure you didn't just swipe this from Andy Price's sketchbook, Artist? :-p (no seriously, j/k, not trying to sling drama here)
While some color would elevate this all the way to the top, I think this is pretty cute just as-is.
(Art Tier): High
(Art) Thoughts: This looks borderline professional! Are you sure you didn't just swipe this from Andy Price's sketchbook, Artist? :-p (no seriously, j/k, not trying to sling drama here)
While some color would elevate this all the way to the top, I think this is pretty cute just as-is.
(Art Tier): High
I appreciate you citing your source images in the caption, Artist. I, too, recognize the components of this piece, and I think they go pretty well together to tell, or at least suggest, a story.
I wonder if it would have been possible to desaturate Twilight a bit to better fit with the morose background, but as it stands this is still an evocative image.
I wonder if it would have been possible to desaturate Twilight a bit to better fit with the morose background, but as it stands this is still an evocative image.
(Art) Genre: Lamb
(Art) Thoughts: While I like the expression and pose (not to mention the reference to Thorax's cover ID), I have to ask why this looks more like a lamb than a pony. I can't quite get my brain around it.
Still, this gave us >>Skywriter's comment, so I think we're good here.
(Art Tier): Medium
(Art) Thoughts: While I like the expression and pose (not to mention the reference to Thorax's cover ID), I have to ask why this looks more like a lamb than a pony. I can't quite get my brain around it.
Still, this gave us >>Skywriter's comment, so I think we're good here.
(Art Tier): Medium
(Art) Genre: Witchay Woman
(Art) Thoughts: Whoaaaa yeaaaaaah. Dark and creepy and vivid and stuff. GET SOME.
Hey Artist. I hate to shill my own stuff here, but FYI this inspired a contest-winning Flashfic that I did over on FimFiction as well. So, good on ya for this.
(Art Tier): Vying for top.
(Art) Thoughts: Whoaaaa yeaaaaaah. Dark and creepy and vivid and stuff. GET SOME.
Hey Artist. I hate to shill my own stuff here, but FYI this inspired a contest-winning Flashfic that I did over on FimFiction as well. So, good on ya for this.
(Art Tier): Vying for top.
(Art) Genre: Yes
(Art) Thoughts: This is pretty! I don't get the connection to the prompt, but that's okay--you inspired some stories with this!
(Art Tier): Medium
(Art) Thoughts: This is pretty! I don't get the connection to the prompt, but that's okay--you inspired some stories with this!
(Art Tier): Medium
(Art) Genre: Waifu
(Art) Thoughts: Dang man, that's cute and well-done. Poor girl, trading her legs for a headband as Zaid says. But I think Whitbane has a point too.
(Art Tier): Fantastic
(Art) Thoughts: Dang man, that's cute and well-done. Poor girl, trading her legs for a headband as Zaid says. But I think Whitbane has a point too.
(Art Tier): Fantastic
Welp, I commented on all the art, whether the Artists wanted it or not. :-p
Now get out there and keep reviewing stories, party people!
Now get out there and keep reviewing stories, party people!
Trixie jumped in excitement. “Why, an organ trader!”
Twilight’s pupils sank. With a spark and sputter, her teleport spell failed. Instead, she crawled back further into the cot.
Trixie giggled. “I love seeing the reaction on ponies face when they hear that. Don’t worry, I won’t eat you up. Even the Great and Powerful Trixie is a herbivore, you know.”
I was half-expecting something totally absurd here, like Trixie suddenly pulling a Hammond organ from a locker, but I guess such things only happen to Pinkie Pie. It generally feels like a couple of ideas combined into one and crammed into a minific, with less-than-great result.
I'm not sure why Sunset wants to return to Equestria, and I think I need that information to buy the drama. She never wanted to return before, and now she's in love, so why should she return now? This is especially true given that she says "you get used to it". This is the only major issue I see.
This is cute. The style is very telly, however. Instead of saying "Opal listened to Apple Bloom", you should use Apple Bloom's dialogue. You can do this in a clever way and still keep the secret, or let details slowly slip loose until the reveal.
I don't think I'd mention Celestia's age at youth; you diverge a bit from canon anyway given that alicorns age very slowly, but not mentioning Celestia's initial age would help mute that concern.
Pinke gets a papercut from the preceding entry. Neat idea, cute and colorful, a bit rushed and sketchy. I’ll call it mid tier.
Baby tooth? It is rather pointy.
Neon colors should be toned down a bit in saturation but are not too inappropriate for a candyland like Equestria. Chubby li’l Celly is cute, and seeing her smile makes me smile. Mid-upper tier.
Neon colors should be toned down a bit in saturation but are not too inappropriate for a candyland like Equestria. Chubby li’l Celly is cute, and seeing her smile makes me smile. Mid-upper tier.
The kid's destructive path might be just a little overdone.
The big problem I have with this story is it doesn't make sense that Daring wouldn't reveal to her son that she's the author of the Daring Do series. Of course she might not tell him that she's Daring Do, but what does she have to gain from hiding her alter ego?
The big problem I have with this story is it doesn't make sense that Daring wouldn't reveal to her son that she's the author of the Daring Do series. Of course she might not tell him that she's Daring Do, but what does she have to gain from hiding her alter ego?
The Mask?
Nice job on the expressions and coloring. It looks a trifle flat for a pony face, which may be part of what’s behind the uncanny valley comments. Well done overall. Top tier.
Nice job on the expressions and coloring. It looks a trifle flat for a pony face, which may be part of what’s behind the uncanny valley comments. Well done overall. Top tier.
A bitttersweet image that allows multiple interpretations. The drawing might pop more if it were color corrected so that the paper in the background was the white point. Upper mid tier.
Stars and planets in the eyes! It’s a bit overwhelming. I don’t think this is Trixie, as the hair is dark and there’s no visible horn. Perhaps a fancolt of hers. But it’s enough I think to recognize an imaginative child with plenty of neat toys. Upper mid tier, for me.
My main critique for this one is emotions seem to turn on a dime. Sentences are alternately calm and excited, angry and happy. This is probably an artefact of the limited horsewordspace. You probably should have tried for fewer twists to ponies' emotional states given the space limitations.
Aside, I'm not sure what >>Haze was reading, because I can't see where Starlight "knew all along" who the secret admirer was. She seems to have the revelation with the line that begins "Sweet Celestia", after Trixie admits she didn't send the last gift to herself. Am I missing something?
Aside, I'm not sure what >>Haze was reading, because I can't see where Starlight "knew all along" who the secret admirer was. She seems to have the revelation with the line that begins "Sweet Celestia", after Trixie admits she didn't send the last gift to herself. Am I missing something?
Altered states. I hope something fun is going on down there. Background could have been less linear. Mid tier.
Meta-ing the Meta with Meta. At least there’s a pony in it. High brow, lower execution, which is excused by the clever mouseover. Upper-mid tier.
I think the telliness here is okay given the way this story is told. I like it. But I think it's still a little more confusing than it needs to be, primarily the middle portion. On a second read it makes perfect sense, but I'd challenge you to try to make it more obvious that A.K. is literally writing all the words you see in the middle on the whiteboard.
Part of what makes it hard is the italics. I don't see somepony switching styles to do the interjections. Maybe a bullet point for the A.K. parts or a dash to start them would be a better marker, because you want those to be confused so the reader is clued into the fact that they're reading something actually written down: both parts on the same board.
Part of what makes it hard is the italics. I don't see somepony switching styles to do the interjections. Maybe a bullet point for the A.K. parts or a dash to start them would be a better marker, because you want those to be confused so the reader is clued into the fact that they're reading something actually written down: both parts on the same board.
It's difficult to do third-pony omniscient. We're seeing into both Celestia's and Twilight's thoughts in the same paragraphs, which is awkward. I think it would be cleaner if we only get to see Twilight's thoughts in those two small sections that reveal them directly.
That's all I have to recommend.
That's all I have to recommend.
I don’t grok all the subtexts, but this is a fun cartoon. Trans-temporal Jeopardy? Chryssie’s expression sells it. Upper tier.
This story is very well-written, but I'd prefer to see it not rest on such a tired trope. It's a tale as old as dirt and it could just as easily have been written without ponies at all. The main character's flaws are way over the top, and I don't personally enjoy the traditional cliches of Heaven or Hell. I get no satisfaction from watching a cartoonish villain being punished forever, especially for actions long-past, no matter how much the exaggerations are trying to play to that instinct.
>>Trick_Question
Oh, and one more thing. GlimTrix is my OTP, so you at least have that going for you. :heart:
Oh, and one more thing. GlimTrix is my OTP, so you at least have that going for you. :heart:
Did you mean for the title to send shades of "Dracula" the reader's way? Because it does.
I have no suggestions.
I have no suggestions.
The story doesn't really have an arc, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to take away from it but despair. Is there a message here? I don't see anything but grimdark for grimdark's sake, and I don't really enjoy that. Nopony really changes or learns anything here (apart from despair), nor do I feel like any decisions are being made.
>>Trick_Question
Ohmigarsh, it does. Lemme check something...
...yep...
...this was already at the top of my slate, so I'm good.
Carry on. :-p
Ohmigarsh, it does. Lemme check something...
...yep...
...this was already at the top of my slate, so I'm good.
Carry on. :-p
Genreasdfasdfafdhsdgjfhjdffdsghf
Thoughts: Oh but this is pleasing absurdity. I laughed. I may have even spilled my salsa. I regret only that this wasn't on my slate, as I will not be able to give it the full Wolfsbane rating it deserves.
Bonus points for Moose and Dubs references. (sup lads)
Tier: NONE SHALL STAND BEFORE ALIGORE
Thoughts: Oh but this is pleasing absurdity. I laughed. I may have even spilled my salsa. I regret only that this wasn't on my slate, as I will not be able to give it the full Wolfsbane rating it deserves.
Bonus points for Moose and Dubs references. (sup lads)
Tier: NONE SHALL STAND BEFORE ALIGORE
I think Discord's voice is off. He should be much more formal in the way he speaks, he uses large words, and he composes what he says carefully... even in a situation like this.
The last paragraph is a bit too telly.
The last paragraph is a bit too telly.
I don't see much to fix here, though it might be nice if we had subtle clues this wasn't Gummy a little earlier on in the story than the halfway mark.
The defiant "they're not that old" statement w.r.t. Pinkie's parents resonated with me pretty hard. My mother has dementia and I've been forced to reckon with my parents' mortality for the first time recently. :pinkiesad:
The defiant "they're not that old" statement w.r.t. Pinkie's parents resonated with me pretty hard. My mother has dementia and I've been forced to reckon with my parents' mortality for the first time recently. :pinkiesad:
And another tally mark in the “May I Never Be Blessed with Children” column for today.
Seriously, though, I couldn’t shake this feeling of detached horror as I read this piece. Yes, some of the interactions between Daring Do and Ibis are cute, but the wanton, willful destruction the kid rains upon the house knocks me right out of the story.
Like, my parents would have flayed me alive for even talking back to them like this, let alone the broader context of extensive property damage. Stack that staggering burden of suspension of disbelief on top of Daring Do, of all ponies, being so limp-wristed (limp-pasterned?) about discipline, and I just can’t buy it.
Sorry, Writer, but I bounced off of this hard. I will say that you do an excellent job - perhaps too excellent a job - of portraying Ibis’ willfulness. I agree with the other comments that this feels a lot like it could have been a horror story, and wrenching the narrative towards familial feel-good vibes halfway through doesn’t really work, at least for me.
Seriously, though, I couldn’t shake this feeling of detached horror as I read this piece. Yes, some of the interactions between Daring Do and Ibis are cute, but the wanton, willful destruction the kid rains upon the house knocks me right out of the story.
"I was an octopus. Now I'm a painter." He shot her a glare before returning to his work. "Obviously."
Like, my parents would have flayed me alive for even talking back to them like this, let alone the broader context of extensive property damage. Stack that staggering burden of suspension of disbelief on top of Daring Do, of all ponies, being so limp-wristed (limp-pasterned?) about discipline, and I just can’t buy it.
Sorry, Writer, but I bounced off of this hard. I will say that you do an excellent job - perhaps too excellent a job - of portraying Ibis’ willfulness. I agree with the other comments that this feels a lot like it could have been a horror story, and wrenching the narrative towards familial feel-good vibes halfway through doesn’t really work, at least for me.
I'm not entirely sure that I buy what poison joke is doing to Cobalt here. Poison joke does something to play a joke on its victim, and here he's just heavily inebriated.
Also, Cheerilee's sudden reversal of attitude is a bit jarring. There's got to be a better way to slowly hint to the reader what is going on.
You could use some proofing, e.g. "dole" not "dull".
Also, Cheerilee's sudden reversal of attitude is a bit jarring. There's got to be a better way to slowly hint to the reader what is going on.
You could use some proofing, e.g. "dole" not "dull".
So… setting aside any extraneous context from previous rounds, this is a small fragment of a larger story.
After a strong start that links directly to the title, I’m left with so many questions. Why Pipsqueak? If there’s a specific reason, I have no idea what it is, and if it’s arbitrary, there’s no greater context for why Starlight is doing this in the first place. She seems to shift from a greater (if misguided and cruel) overarching purpose to pure, unadulterated malice as the story goes on, and the fact that it’s implied she’s drunk doesn’t help.
Also, what’s all this about Pipsqueak’s birthright? Am I to infer that Pipsqueak is Starlight’s long-estranged foal? Because, no. There’s not even a trace of that anywhere in canon, and you’ve done nothing, save Starlight’s drunken rambling, to imply otherwise. And why can’t she leave a mark? It implies that she’s going to cut him loose at some point, and that she still has to answer to somepony, but then Twilight Sparkle Herownself barges in and doesn’t even notice the small foal strapped to a torture rack - or is she just used to the sight by now? And bearing all this in mind, who is Starlight afraid of finding out?
I get that Starlight is being manipulative af, but is that why Twilight is completely blitzed? Is Twilight always blitzed? How is she getting away with that? Spike’s (presumably) dead, but what about the rest of the Mane Six? Alienated? Missing? How? Why? Starlight’s playing the long game to have Pipsqueak (presumably) turned into an inequine monster, but to what end? Petty vengeance?
What is the point, Writer?
This is an isolated interesting premise, but without context, that’s all this is - a what-if with no payoff.
After a strong start that links directly to the title, I’m left with so many questions. Why Pipsqueak? If there’s a specific reason, I have no idea what it is, and if it’s arbitrary, there’s no greater context for why Starlight is doing this in the first place. She seems to shift from a greater (if misguided and cruel) overarching purpose to pure, unadulterated malice as the story goes on, and the fact that it’s implied she’s drunk doesn’t help.
Also, what’s all this about Pipsqueak’s birthright? Am I to infer that Pipsqueak is Starlight’s long-estranged foal? Because, no. There’s not even a trace of that anywhere in canon, and you’ve done nothing, save Starlight’s drunken rambling, to imply otherwise. And why can’t she leave a mark? It implies that she’s going to cut him loose at some point, and that she still has to answer to somepony, but then Twilight Sparkle Herownself barges in and doesn’t even notice the small foal strapped to a torture rack - or is she just used to the sight by now? And bearing all this in mind, who is Starlight afraid of finding out?
I get that Starlight is being manipulative af, but is that why Twilight is completely blitzed? Is Twilight always blitzed? How is she getting away with that? Spike’s (presumably) dead, but what about the rest of the Mane Six? Alienated? Missing? How? Why? Starlight’s playing the long game to have Pipsqueak (presumably) turned into an inequine monster, but to what end? Petty vengeance?
What is the point, Writer?
This is an isolated interesting premise, but without context, that’s all this is - a what-if with no payoff.
There’s a lot of character and cuteness in these figures. Very well done, Artist. Upper tier.
Loose proportions add interest and life to well known characters Color is well done, though Celestia looks a tad greyish in comparison to Twilight’s eye. Overall, a top tier job.
This story is really ambitious, but I can't help but think that it might have bit off a bit more than it can chew.
You're trying to tell a very big story, here, and I'll be honest that I don't think it fits in the wordcount. It definitely helps that you've adopted this fairytale-like tone that moves along quickly, but it does come at the expense of the strength of these characters. They do feel too simplistic to me. The director comes off to me as so oafish and evil that I really couldn't get mad at his mistreatment of Twinkleshine, and Twinkleshine herself unfortunately does feel like a damsel in distress in a way that I thought went against the central theme of the story.
My final takeaway is that while there is a complete emotional arc and well-expressed themes that compliment it, the story as a whole just felt rushed to me, which made it hard for it to emotionally resonate.
You're trying to tell a very big story, here, and I'll be honest that I don't think it fits in the wordcount. It definitely helps that you've adopted this fairytale-like tone that moves along quickly, but it does come at the expense of the strength of these characters. They do feel too simplistic to me. The director comes off to me as so oafish and evil that I really couldn't get mad at his mistreatment of Twinkleshine, and Twinkleshine herself unfortunately does feel like a damsel in distress in a way that I thought went against the central theme of the story.
My final takeaway is that while there is a complete emotional arc and well-expressed themes that compliment it, the story as a whole just felt rushed to me, which made it hard for it to emotionally resonate.
I’m not canon-savvy enough to grok this, so I won’t cry “Bah!”. This is a preliminary sketch and finishing it would have helped ewe to ram it through a little better. Low-mid tier.
This drawing is a bit rough, but well composed. The red sun / moon is especially dramatic. I don’t get much expression from the characters. I’ll place this as a mid tier piece.
A cute, fuzzy, huggable sketch.Would sacrifice other leg to Moby Dick in a heartbeat. Upper mid tier.
Something tells me the artist owns a black cat. Creepy, dark and moody. Upper tier.
There are scanning apps available for smart phones. On Android, I use Google’s Photoscan app. I like the iconizing, but it could have been more crisply executed. Mid tier.
A pretty picture. Except insofar as rainbows are a pretense, not much connection to the prompt.
gunna’
First, a quick grammar nitpick: apostrophes are used to indicate omitted letters. The apostrophe in "don't" replaces an o ("do not"). The trailing apostrophe in "doin”" replaces a g ("doing"). When you elide "you" to "ya" or "going to" to "gunna", you're using phonetic pronunciation to represent accent/dialect. There's no letter for an apostrophe to replace. I mean, unless you're implying that the actual phrase is "gunnaing to". ;-p
Anyway: This strikes a whimsical, absurd tone with a lot of potential, and the dialogue is pretty snappy and clever. Good job on realizing your vision there! However, when you're going full-blown absurd, I think it's important to be careful with the details so that the things which do ground the story make as much sense as possible. The more squarely the serious parts add up, the brighter the contrast with the craziness which gives you your humor.
For example, take the overall structure. The first scene is framed as a narrated flashback by the second scene. The second scene is framed as a hallucination by the ending, which means we have a sort of picture-in-picture Inception effect. We have three beats recontextualizing what we've read so far: the first scene break, where we learn the first scene is a story; the second scene break, where we learn the whole thing is a hallucination; and then a giant, mushy one in the middle, as the second scene devolves from a confrontation with authority into … some sort of weird sexual fantasy, I guess?
The conceit of the second scene is that the first is narrated to Cheerilee. But if I were Cheerilee, I would have had some questions long before "So you smashed his hoof?" … like asking what the hay he meant by "This joint used to be free of crime until I came along." Besides, they do know about the hoof-smashing, since they had to take Snails to the hospital.
A lot of the dialogue is nonsensical, even given the hallucinatory standards of the piece:
“I don’t believe you’re bein’ truthful with me right now."
This is in response to Snails' "Uh." Snails hasn't told him anything to be untruthful about!
"I don’t know exactly what you put him through, but whatever it was, it was no excuse."
His actions were no excuse for … what? His actions?
This could also use some surface polish (the sudden shift in verb tense; a number of errors like "dull out discipline" instead of "dole out discipline"), but I would focus on the larger issues in your own editing, because outside editors can help much more easily with polish.
Tier: Keep Developing
I definitely like what you're going for here, with the low-key conflict that hints at greater emotional stakes.
What I think is really hampering this story is how slow the start is. For a very big chunk of your story (about 400-500 words), there's not all that much going on, except for introducing the premise. While it's great that you introduce the pony ears quickly and effectively from the get-go, what immediately follows is meandering. And while I get that this is part of the low-stakes mood you're trying to set, I couldn't help but feel that the story really needed to go somewhere, especially since we're dealing with a minific. Consequentially, the convo with Sunset feels very bare-bones, because you've only got 150 words left to play with.
I'm pretty certain that there is a way to get this story to comfortably fit in 750 words, but it would probably mean doing a bit of pruning in the first bits. Or doing something more drastic, like nyxing the convo with Sunset altogether. The idea here definitely feels good and well within the scope of a minific, but I think you might need to get there more efficiently.
What I think is really hampering this story is how slow the start is. For a very big chunk of your story (about 400-500 words), there's not all that much going on, except for introducing the premise. While it's great that you introduce the pony ears quickly and effectively from the get-go, what immediately follows is meandering. And while I get that this is part of the low-stakes mood you're trying to set, I couldn't help but feel that the story really needed to go somewhere, especially since we're dealing with a minific. Consequentially, the convo with Sunset feels very bare-bones, because you've only got 150 words left to play with.
I'm pretty certain that there is a way to get this story to comfortably fit in 750 words, but it would probably mean doing a bit of pruning in the first bits. Or doing something more drastic, like nyxing the convo with Sunset altogether. The idea here definitely feels good and well within the scope of a minific, but I think you might need to get there more efficiently.
Genre: Cover-Up
Thoughts: All right, let me just open with a spoiler: I'm going to KD-tier this. But I have a lot of respect for what you're trying to do here, Author, and you deserve props for aiming high. The genre of a character being held against what would be their will if they yet retained it, and slowly gaining a sense of things being wrong with their surroundings, is HARD TO WRITE WELL. And I say that from the experience of having written something like this before in a past minific round.
Right now this succeeds at conveying the requisite sense of wrongness and a bit of the horror of the character remaining trapped. But I feel like it's missing a couple of key things that hold it back a lot.
First of all, who is this character? Right now it sounds like it might be an OC. Now OCs are fine if they have a good introduction, interesting characterization, et cetera. But by the nature of this kind of story, the focal character tends to be robbed of such things. That's where it's important to either work some of that in despite the difficulty, or to simply make them be a canon character. Which dovetails with my second point:
Right now there isn't a great sense of the stakes involved here. Yeah, it's bad if a character is being mind controlled and held against their will; but what does it mean to the world? What are the visceral ripple effects of having them be under this kind of control? Who's benefiting, and how? All sorts of questions, any of which could've helped inject some more resonant conflict here.
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: All right, let me just open with a spoiler: I'm going to KD-tier this. But I have a lot of respect for what you're trying to do here, Author, and you deserve props for aiming high. The genre of a character being held against what would be their will if they yet retained it, and slowly gaining a sense of things being wrong with their surroundings, is HARD TO WRITE WELL. And I say that from the experience of having written something like this before in a past minific round.
Right now this succeeds at conveying the requisite sense of wrongness and a bit of the horror of the character remaining trapped. But I feel like it's missing a couple of key things that hold it back a lot.
First of all, who is this character? Right now it sounds like it might be an OC. Now OCs are fine if they have a good introduction, interesting characterization, et cetera. But by the nature of this kind of story, the focal character tends to be robbed of such things. That's where it's important to either work some of that in despite the difficulty, or to simply make them be a canon character. Which dovetails with my second point:
Right now there isn't a great sense of the stakes involved here. Yeah, it's bad if a character is being mind controlled and held against their will; but what does it mean to the world? What are the visceral ripple effects of having them be under this kind of control? Who's benefiting, and how? All sorts of questions, any of which could've helped inject some more resonant conflict here.
Tier: Keep Developing
This could easily be an illustration for a children's book, Artist. Pro-tier line work and coloring. My only real quibble is that Pip's lip being cleft like that skews his features more towards rodent, rather than pony.
Still! I'm very impressed with this piece. I have a sneaking suspicion you've made money doing this kind of art. If not, you easily could!
Still! I'm very impressed with this piece. I have a sneaking suspicion you've made money doing this kind of art. If not, you easily could!
>>Roseluck
Heh, it was a complete accident because I was so rushed against the deadline. This black ink is waterproof, but apparently it wasn't 100% dry when I started coloring. But I'll take it as a happy accident.
The smudging of black ink in some areas almost seems intentional too. It's only happening around her eyes and the cutie mark. Almost like she was crying?
Heh, it was a complete accident because I was so rushed against the deadline. This black ink is waterproof, but apparently it wasn't 100% dry when I started coloring. But I'll take it as a happy accident.
Retros in the Sky
Bottom 4? Ha, that's better than it could've done. :-p
I'm consistently amazed with how much artistic talent is out there in the Internet age. I seem to remember art skillz still being relatively rare back when I was a kid. I certainly never made them a focus. But now it's just EVERYWHERE.
Including here! Let's be honest, I knew this was probably destined not to do too well. But as I was standing in line for a concert during the art period, I looked up and saw some really interesting-looking clouds, so I took a picture. Showed 'em to my wife and asked if she saw the creatures in it that I did. I took her yes as an indication that there might indeed be something to this.
Honestly, I was just hoping this would inspire a fic with sky monsters of some kind. I'm immensely pleased that it did that a couple of times. ^^ Plus >>Zaid Val'Roa's song is gold.
Thanks also >>MLPmatthewl419, >>Moosetasm, >>Fenton, and>>GroaningGreyAgony!
23th?
...
Okay...
I would have probably not see the Stingray if you hadn't mentionned it, but still, the frame is good, the light is nice and revelance to the prompt is correct.
But 23th?
...
Okay...
I would have probably not see the Stingray if you hadn't mentionned it, but still, the frame is good, the light is nice and revelance to the prompt is correct.
But 23th?
>>Kritten
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Actually, at first I planned to blur the background till it was no longer recognisable, just a mass of blue with occasional flower sticking out.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Actually, at first I planned to blur the background till it was no longer recognisable, just a mass of blue with occasional flower sticking out.
I wasn't sold on this being much of a story until the ending. I like it but I have a couple of points to make.
First off, even I wouldn't go quite this technical, and I wrote Broken Symmetry for buck's sake. I don't think every paragraph should include the words "KL Divergence" or the story should get as technical as it does with probability and communication theory. I'd try to play it to a non-academic audience and use analogy more than direct definitions.
Second, the ending is good, but it's too short. We're left with a faceless enemy we know almost nothing about, and I think I need a little more here to understand what the danger really is and why I should care. Also, why are the earth ponies more in danger? Is it because they're less imaginative? Is it because they can't see the danger as clearly and the danger is psychological rather than physical? I'm really not sure, and this is the whole point of the story so it needs to be clearer for me.
First off, even I wouldn't go quite this technical, and I wrote Broken Symmetry for buck's sake. I don't think every paragraph should include the words "KL Divergence" or the story should get as technical as it does with probability and communication theory. I'd try to play it to a non-academic audience and use analogy more than direct definitions.
Second, the ending is good, but it's too short. We're left with a faceless enemy we know almost nothing about, and I think I need a little more here to understand what the danger really is and why I should care. Also, why are the earth ponies more in danger? Is it because they're less imaginative? Is it because they can't see the danger as clearly and the danger is psychological rather than physical? I'm really not sure, and this is the whole point of the story so it needs to be clearer for me.
>>Moosetasm, >>horizon, >>MLPmatthewl419, >>Zaid Val'Roa, >>CoffeeMinion
Nellie Takes Her Bow
This is inspired by the eponymous ELO song, which I also quoted in the caption; a sad song about an actress who “plays / someone else’s life upon the stage.” I originally wanted to show the full stage, with a personage representing the song’s narrator in the audience, but nothing turned out as I planned and I wound up scrawling this at 3 AM before the deadline. It’s not what I wanted it to be, but here it is, much like Nellie’s life in the song.
I was striving for a semi-realistic style with shading, but wound up drawing it haphazardly on standard pony forms, which helps lead to that uncanny valley feeling. The mark patch and horn did turn out the way I wanted them, and I’m fairly happy with her expression, on the face of it. The posture is based on actual bowing horses.
Technical note: this is a pencil sketch with the contrast adjusted on the scan to darken the lines. It resembles penwork, but no pen was used.
Thanks to everyone for your comments!
Nellie Takes Her Bow
This is inspired by the eponymous ELO song, which I also quoted in the caption; a sad song about an actress who “plays / someone else’s life upon the stage.” I originally wanted to show the full stage, with a personage representing the song’s narrator in the audience, but nothing turned out as I planned and I wound up scrawling this at 3 AM before the deadline. It’s not what I wanted it to be, but here it is, much like Nellie’s life in the song.
I was striving for a semi-realistic style with shading, but wound up drawing it haphazardly on standard pony forms, which helps lead to that uncanny valley feeling. The mark patch and horn did turn out the way I wanted them, and I’m fairly happy with her expression, on the face of it. The posture is based on actual bowing horses.
Technical note: this is a pencil sketch with the contrast adjusted on the scan to darken the lines. It resembles penwork, but no pen was used.
Thanks to everyone for your comments!
>>Zaid Val'Roa, >>Moosetasm, >>CoffeeMinion
First Rise
This was the first idea I sketched out and the one that I spent the most time on. For the most part, this one was a pleasant task of playing with gradient meshes in Illustrator and drawing Bezier curves over a scan of my draft sketch. A computer crash caused me to lose an hour’s work just as I thought I was done; in retrospect, it was much improved for having to redo it. Celestia’s ‘fang’ was supposed to be a baby tooth; I should have squared it off.
Thank you for your comments!
First Rise
This was the first idea I sketched out and the one that I spent the most time on. For the most part, this one was a pleasant task of playing with gradient meshes in Illustrator and drawing Bezier curves over a scan of my draft sketch. A computer crash caused me to lose an hour’s work just as I thought I was done; in retrospect, it was much improved for having to redo it. Celestia’s ‘fang’ was supposed to be a baby tooth; I should have squared it off.
Thank you for your comments!
So first up, thanks a buncho for the comments.
>>Moosetasm
Yeah, the title visibility was an annoying thing. On my scrap piece of test paper, it looked perfectly fine, but once on my actual art piece? Lol nope.
>>QuillScratch
I'm glad you liked it :) The style isn't a reference to anything at all, though I can say I was thinking of Novel-Idea whilst laying it out.
>>CoffeeMinion
Yeah, while I do really prefer this medium, colored pencil, it does tend to look a little sketchy.
It doesn't help that I had to take the picture with my phone. Oddly enough, the border I had there was measured to exactly 1/2 cm from the edge of the page, and then I used a ruler to draw a straight line... the warped look is due to said phone pic. I took around 20 of those, and this was somehow the best. In terms of time, it took about 3-4 hours of total work spread across 3 days, so yeah, it is a little rough.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Previous comment there.
>>Moosetasm
Yeah, the title visibility was an annoying thing. On my scrap piece of test paper, it looked perfectly fine, but once on my actual art piece? Lol nope.
>>QuillScratch
I'm glad you liked it :) The style isn't a reference to anything at all, though I can say I was thinking of Novel-Idea whilst laying it out.
>>CoffeeMinion
Yeah, while I do really prefer this medium, colored pencil, it does tend to look a little sketchy.
It doesn't help that I had to take the picture with my phone. Oddly enough, the border I had there was measured to exactly 1/2 cm from the edge of the page, and then I used a ruler to draw a straight line... the warped look is due to said phone pic. I took around 20 of those, and this was somehow the best. In terms of time, it took about 3-4 hours of total work spread across 3 days, so yeah, it is a little rough.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Previous comment there.
Sometimes:
There's just no reasoning with architecture...
The only thing I could suggest would be to keep the whole story in Derpy's POV and expand the middle part a bit: she goes to spend the night with a specific friend next door--Carrot Top, isn't it usually?--and all that evening while they're doing the sorts of things ponies do in houses, she can feel the keep watching and getting grouchier and grouchier. Then the next morning, she can go over to pick up her newspaper from in front of the keep, and the rest of the story can continue from there. Very fun!
Mike
There's just no reasoning with architecture...
The only thing I could suggest would be to keep the whole story in Derpy's POV and expand the middle part a bit: she goes to spend the night with a specific friend next door--Carrot Top, isn't it usually?--and all that evening while they're doing the sorts of things ponies do in houses, she can feel the keep watching and getting grouchier and grouchier. Then the next morning, she can go over to pick up her newspaper from in front of the keep, and the rest of the story can continue from there. Very fun!
Mike
No Turning Back
No particular retrospective, but some thoughts in the wake of art judging.
I'm neither surprised nor hurt by the low ranking. I think the overall trend in art judging has been (quite justifiably) to rank based on perceived effort as well as outcome; sketchier, rougher pieces tend to end up lower while polished, finished pieces get voted up. The amount of effort that goes into a photoshop job isn't always trivial (and in fact this took me about an hour and a half to make, most of which was struggling against my available tools), but it's definitely less work (and less skill) than what went into many of the lovely hand-drawn pieces this round, so I think this was about an appropriate finish.
Honestly, I met my goals for the piece. I wanted to spur some ideas for authors and widen the range of submissions, and I did both. :)
I'm amused that virtually everyone guessed me for the photos; I guess the Writeoffs' very first photographic submission left an impression. I probably won't enter any more of them, though, what with having locked everyone's expectations in so hard.
... Probably.
>>Moosetasm >>CoffeeMinion >>Icenrose >>GroaningGreyAgony
Thanks for speaking up!
I considered that. I settled on the original saturation because it draws the eye in, though I could see it working both ways.
That's an unfortunate coincidence I didn't really notice until too late. She's supposed to just be drooping her head due to exhaustion. If I could do this over again I'd paint over the little rock thing so she's just "looking" at bare dirt.
In my mind, the idea was something something mumble future twilight pretending everything was ok so past her would react differently. Honestly it ended up more of a "here's something not as it should be; have some latitude writing to the prompt with it" approach. Again, main goal was just to spur some ideas.
Congrats to teacorgi, Roseluck, and Anon Y Mous for their medals!
No particular retrospective, but some thoughts in the wake of art judging.
I'm neither surprised nor hurt by the low ranking. I think the overall trend in art judging has been (quite justifiably) to rank based on perceived effort as well as outcome; sketchier, rougher pieces tend to end up lower while polished, finished pieces get voted up. The amount of effort that goes into a photoshop job isn't always trivial (and in fact this took me about an hour and a half to make, most of which was struggling against my available tools), but it's definitely less work (and less skill) than what went into many of the lovely hand-drawn pieces this round, so I think this was about an appropriate finish.
Honestly, I met my goals for the piece. I wanted to spur some ideas for authors and widen the range of submissions, and I did both. :)
I'm amused that virtually everyone guessed me for the photos; I guess the Writeoffs' very first photographic submission left an impression. I probably won't enter any more of them, though, what with having locked everyone's expectations in so hard.
... Probably.
>>Moosetasm >>CoffeeMinion >>Icenrose >>GroaningGreyAgony
Thanks for speaking up!
I wonder if it would have been possible to desaturate Twilight a bit to better fit with the morose background
I considered that. I settled on the original saturation because it draws the eye in, though I could see it working both ways.
what's Twilight looking at on the ground?
That's an unfortunate coincidence I didn't really notice until too late. She's supposed to just be drooping her head due to exhaustion. If I could do this over again I'd paint over the little rock thing so she's just "looking" at bare dirt.
> prompt relevance
In my mind, the idea was something something mumble future twilight pretending everything was ok so past her would react differently. Honestly it ended up more of a "here's something not as it should be; have some latitude writing to the prompt with it" approach. Again, main goal was just to spur some ideas.
Congrats to teacorgi, Roseluck, and Anon Y Mous for their medals!
After reading everything and wasting a lot of hours, maybe it's time to review. I heard it can help.
So, since a lot has already been covered by >>horizon, I'll simply give my two cents on this part
Why would Twilight turn evil? (It's what is implied here, right?)
Luna became NM because no friendship. Since Twi has lot of friends, is the Princess of Friendship and so on, I don't see how this could be 'an extremely legitimate potential problem', like horizon said.
As for the rest, you have something quite good, even though I found myself wondering at the end if it wasn't all part from the play (but since Tirek is mentionned, meh)
So, since a lot has already been covered by >>horizon, I'll simply give my two cents on this part
Or... if I—turned.
Why would Twilight turn evil? (It's what is implied here, right?)
Luna became NM because no friendship. Since Twi has lot of friends, is the Princess of Friendship and so on, I don't see how this could be 'an extremely legitimate potential problem', like horizon said.
As for the rest, you have something quite good, even though I found myself wondering at the end if it wasn't all part from the play (but since Tirek is mentionned, meh)
Congrats to teacorgi, Roseluck, and Anon Y Mous on their well-deserved medals, as well as everyone else who contributed art this round! This was an impressive turnout, for both the number of art pieces as well as the stories they inspired.
So! Bit of a backstory on this piece. I realized the day art submissions went live that I was going to be camping on Saturday, so it was unlikely I would be able to submit a story this time around. I was dismayed by this, because the prompt “Keep Pretending” just screams relationship trouble to me, which is the kind of story I enjoy reading and writing. So, on a whim, I decided to try to draw an idea for story I would have wanted to write.
The thing is, the last time I sat down with the intent to draw something was for an art class I took back in sixth grade, which was over twenty years ago. I also only had the time to actually draw this the night before I left for that camping trip, in the middle of trying to pack for it. That’s the reason why Twilight has four iterations for her chin - I was originally just sketching in charcoal to see how it looked, then realized I didn’t have time to do it over again if I still wanted to color it. The thought of doing a light pencil sketch first didn’t occur to me until after I’d already finished, as silly as that sounds.
Bearing all this in mind, I’m quite pleased at how this piece turned out. To be honest, I was kinda floored by the fact that Twilight and Sunset looked recognizably human by the time I was done. ^^ And I am immensely pleased with the stories that it inspired! It’s such a neat feeling, reading other Writers’ interpretation of my art. I realize this is probably old hat for the art veterans in our merry band of brigands, but gosh, this was fun!
Much love to >>Moosetasm, >>QuillScratch, >>CoffeeMinion, and >>GroaningGreyAgony for your feedback! It was encouraging to receive such positivity and constructive criticism on something I didn't think I was capable of a week ago. ^^
Right, back to reading stories on my slate. Best of luck, everyone!
So! Bit of a backstory on this piece. I realized the day art submissions went live that I was going to be camping on Saturday, so it was unlikely I would be able to submit a story this time around. I was dismayed by this, because the prompt “Keep Pretending” just screams relationship trouble to me, which is the kind of story I enjoy reading and writing. So, on a whim, I decided to try to draw an idea for story I would have wanted to write.
The thing is, the last time I sat down with the intent to draw something was for an art class I took back in sixth grade, which was over twenty years ago. I also only had the time to actually draw this the night before I left for that camping trip, in the middle of trying to pack for it. That’s the reason why Twilight has four iterations for her chin - I was originally just sketching in charcoal to see how it looked, then realized I didn’t have time to do it over again if I still wanted to color it. The thought of doing a light pencil sketch first didn’t occur to me until after I’d already finished, as silly as that sounds.
Bearing all this in mind, I’m quite pleased at how this piece turned out. To be honest, I was kinda floored by the fact that Twilight and Sunset looked recognizably human by the time I was done. ^^ And I am immensely pleased with the stories that it inspired! It’s such a neat feeling, reading other Writers’ interpretation of my art. I realize this is probably old hat for the art veterans in our merry band of brigands, but gosh, this was fun!
Much love to >>Moosetasm, >>QuillScratch, >>CoffeeMinion, and >>GroaningGreyAgony for your feedback! It was encouraging to receive such positivity and constructive criticism on something I didn't think I was capable of a week ago. ^^
Right, back to reading stories on my slate. Best of luck, everyone!
Only one review? Let's try to add some relevant points (I said 'try')
For the format, this does pretty good. The two parts set for a nice pace and a good contrast between dialog and inner thoughts. What you do with your premise sounds coherent with what we've seen from our favorite blue pegasus.
However, I can't buy the premise of this story. RD being a fraud all along? And not admitting it? While still being the Element of Loyalty? Not really believeable to me.
So yeah, despite some solid foundations, there is still one too weak for me.
For the format, this does pretty good. The two parts set for a nice pace and a good contrast between dialog and inner thoughts. What you do with your premise sounds coherent with what we've seen from our favorite blue pegasus.
However, I can't buy the premise of this story. RD being a fraud all along? And not admitting it? While still being the Element of Loyalty? Not really believeable to me.
So yeah, despite some solid foundations, there is still one too weak for me.
tanks full of water full of sharks full of bloodlust
This is a great line —
Yet no lessons about chains, ropes, sacks, chests, […] , and whirring knife things that’d kill her as soon as someone looked at her
— sunk in a swamp of lesser hilarity.
I think I agree with >>Haze that the story as a whole feels like it lingers on the same note overlong. I'd also gnaw at the ending for a while in editing; I don't think it's quite snappy enough for a punchline.
In summary, amusingly absurd, but could stand to either be slimmed significantly down (which would sharpen the humor of what's here) or else escalated even further (which would give it more momentum).
Tier: Almost There
>>CoffeeMinion
(sigh) Yeah … that.
So … um. Apparently this is built around a central joke of "lol political correctness run amok". You do you, author. The idea that "being sensitive to the ways in which existing language and power structures hurt minorities = a bad thing" isn't winning you any points with me, but I'm trying to set that aside for purposes of evaluation and voting. I do agree with >>Miller Minus's assessment of why it feels awkwardly horseshoe-horned into an Equestrian setting, though, and I do think that that setting-bending is a legitimate reason to ding the story. (I guess I could see some sort of "zebras are equines with dark stripes painted on" racism in-setting, but neither canon nor story establishes that as a background fact of the setting, and you'd lose a lot of momentum trying to "as you know, bob" it in. And there's even less justification for whatever is going on with the donkeys==Jews thing at the end, nor even a hint of what she has to 'tone down' given that she wrote an apparently positive portrayal.)
More importantly … there's no actual conflict here. Daring mentions early in the story that "I told you I don't care what marketing says, I want the pyramids to be the focus here" … and then after a scuffle about the title of the book, the solution is to not change a single word of the text, and change the title to put the pyramids more prominently in focus. Daring being talked into increasing sensitivity is actually a win-win-win situation! So basically we're treated to a bunch of dialogue of an author griping about political correctness that's got no point beyond venting her complaints about a thing that works out for her anyway.
So to me this comes across as basically pure author tracting. I do have to credit it for sounding like an authentic conversation, but I'm afraid that's not enough to carry it against its self-imposed headwinds.
I'll repeat what I noted in an earlier review, however: thank you for contributing! The Writeoffs are a good place to see what works and what doesn't, and while this doesn't hit the mark for me, it's good to see people pushing themselves and confronting unusual narrative styles and subjects, whether or not the experiment works.
Tier: Misaimed
Thoughts: Hoo boy. What does one even say here without getting into sensitive territory?
(sigh) Yeah … that.
So … um. Apparently this is built around a central joke of "lol political correctness run amok". You do you, author. The idea that "being sensitive to the ways in which existing language and power structures hurt minorities = a bad thing" isn't winning you any points with me, but I'm trying to set that aside for purposes of evaluation and voting. I do agree with >>Miller Minus's assessment of why it feels awkwardly horseshoe-horned into an Equestrian setting, though, and I do think that that setting-bending is a legitimate reason to ding the story. (I guess I could see some sort of "zebras are equines with dark stripes painted on" racism in-setting, but neither canon nor story establishes that as a background fact of the setting, and you'd lose a lot of momentum trying to "as you know, bob" it in. And there's even less justification for whatever is going on with the donkeys==Jews thing at the end, nor even a hint of what she has to 'tone down' given that she wrote an apparently positive portrayal.)
More importantly … there's no actual conflict here. Daring mentions early in the story that "I told you I don't care what marketing says, I want the pyramids to be the focus here" … and then after a scuffle about the title of the book, the solution is to not change a single word of the text, and change the title to put the pyramids more prominently in focus. Daring being talked into increasing sensitivity is actually a win-win-win situation! So basically we're treated to a bunch of dialogue of an author griping about political correctness that's got no point beyond venting her complaints about a thing that works out for her anyway.
So to me this comes across as basically pure author tracting. I do have to credit it for sounding like an authentic conversation, but I'm afraid that's not enough to carry it against its self-imposed headwinds.
I'll repeat what I noted in an earlier review, however: thank you for contributing! The Writeoffs are a good place to see what works and what doesn't, and while this doesn't hit the mark for me, it's good to see people pushing themselves and confronting unusual narrative styles and subjects, whether or not the experiment works.
Tier: Misaimed
I like the idea here, Writer. The journalist feels like he’s leading Rainbow towards the way he’d like the story to go in a realistic manner, and I like how you’ve captured RD’s voice pretty well in the first section of this story.
As the second part goes on, though, it feels like her voicing drifts out of character a bit. It’s also odd that we hear none of RD’s internal monologue until the last four paragraphs, where suddenly it becomes nothing but. Also, it’s fine to end on a down note, but self-absorbed self-pity feels unsatisfying as a final line.
Still, Rainbow Dash suffering the fallout from a doping scandal, as told through an interview, is an interesting premise. Tweak that second part so it feels more cohesive with the first, and I think this could be a neat little story. Best of luck, Writer!
As the second part goes on, though, it feels like her voicing drifts out of character a bit. It’s also odd that we hear none of RD’s internal monologue until the last four paragraphs, where suddenly it becomes nothing but. Also, it’s fine to end on a down note, but self-absorbed self-pity feels unsatisfying as a final line.
Still, Rainbow Dash suffering the fallout from a doping scandal, as told through an interview, is an interesting premise. Tweak that second part so it feels more cohesive with the first, and I think this could be a neat little story. Best of luck, Writer!