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A Colt Thirsty for Blood, Violence and Money
Ponyville Elementary. This joint used to be free of crime until I came along. I’m the top dog of this school. If somepony wants something, they come to me. It took me a while to build this empire, but now that I have it, there’s nothing that I’m gunna’ do to waste it.
Right now there’s a certain pony that’s supposed to be meeting up with me. Problem is, he’s late, and I hate those who're late.
“Hey there, Cobalt! You got those hoofball cards you said you were going to trade me?” Snails calls out.
“Be quiet, will ya’? You trying to blow my cover or something?”
Snails apologized. I eyed him for a minute. “First, why don’t you tell me why you were late?”
“Well, uh, I was kinda doing something.” Snails eyes darted away. I knew something was up.
I pressed further. “Yeah, like what?”
“Uh….”
“I don’t believe you’re bein’ truthful with me right now. Talk, or else.”
His pupils shrank. I knew that face, it was the look of a coward. He was gunna’ run, I knew it.
“Uh, I gotta go!” he ran. I told ya’ so.
“No you aint!” I jumped on his back and tackled him to the ground before he made it far. “First, you’re gunna’ tell me what you were doin’ else this hoof here is gunna’ get smashed!”
“So you smashed his hoof?!” Cheerilee was getting loud hearing my story. I would to, as it was pretty impressive.
“You gotta’ teach these colts a lesson, Cheerilee. You know that. That’s how you dull out discipline.”
“Discipline? That was assault! You smashed a colt’s hoof over some hoofball cards! You can get expelled over that!”
“Tomato, tomato. The only thing that matters in the end is that Snails knows what gunna’ come to him next time he crosses my bad side.”
There was a knock at the door. Cheerilee sang her “Come in!”, which prompted Princess Twilight Sparkle to come walking in.
“Miss Cheerilee, I’ll have you know that Snails made it safely to the hospital and that so far we haven't found anything serious.”
“Oh thank Celestia,” Cheerilee sighed with relief.
“And you,” Twilight faced me. “I don’t know exactly what you put him through, but whatever it was, it was no excuse.”
“Ayy, Princess. You’re looking beautiful today. Did you lose some weight? Your ass is looking fine.”
The princess jerked her head back in disgust. “What did you just say to me?”
“What? You heard me. I’m thinking about inviting you to dinner under the moonlit sky. You up?”
Twilight turned to the teacher of the room. “Cheerilee, are you listening to what this colt is saying to me?”
“Sorry, Twilight. Even I can’t get him under control. He’s been acting like that ever since he got in here.”
I snapped at her. “Hey, don’t ignore me. I asked you a question.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t date colts.”
“Colt? Who you callin’ a colt? Twilight, I’m a full blown stallion. Enough to meet all of your needs.” I stared deeply into Twilight’s eyes as she peevishly shied away from advances. She was blushing. I knew I had the magic in me.
“I need to leave.” Twilight parted from me and went for the door. She turned back to Cheerilee. “You need to get him under control.”
With one last wanting stare toward me, I motioned my hoof guns to her. She blushed and turned. Oh yeah, I was getting some of that later tonight.
“Anyways, Cheerilee, I’d love to stay longer, but I’ve gotta go. My other mares are calling for me.”
Cheerilee ran to the door in protest. “B-but what am I going to tell the upper ponies? I don’t want you to leave my side!”
“Just keep pretending and keep bullshitting like you always do. That’s why you’ll stay my number one, Cheer Cheer. Because you’re always there for me.”
Cheerilee fainted from the praise. On the ground she sang. “Anything for you, Cobalt.”
I smirked and walked out of the classroom.
Snails walked on the path trying to find the meeting area Cobalt told him about earlier. He had desperately wanted those hoofball cards Cobalt was willing to trade to him. In a hidden clearing, Snails found Cobalt Shield. On the floor, drooling out of his mouth, and next to a pile of powdered poison joke, Cobalt spasmed while muttering about how much he wanted Princess Twilight’s ass.
“Uh, Cobalt? You okay?”
Right now there’s a certain pony that’s supposed to be meeting up with me. Problem is, he’s late, and I hate those who're late.
“Hey there, Cobalt! You got those hoofball cards you said you were going to trade me?” Snails calls out.
“Be quiet, will ya’? You trying to blow my cover or something?”
Snails apologized. I eyed him for a minute. “First, why don’t you tell me why you were late?”
“Well, uh, I was kinda doing something.” Snails eyes darted away. I knew something was up.
I pressed further. “Yeah, like what?”
“Uh….”
“I don’t believe you’re bein’ truthful with me right now. Talk, or else.”
His pupils shrank. I knew that face, it was the look of a coward. He was gunna’ run, I knew it.
“Uh, I gotta go!” he ran. I told ya’ so.
“No you aint!” I jumped on his back and tackled him to the ground before he made it far. “First, you’re gunna’ tell me what you were doin’ else this hoof here is gunna’ get smashed!”
“So you smashed his hoof?!” Cheerilee was getting loud hearing my story. I would to, as it was pretty impressive.
“You gotta’ teach these colts a lesson, Cheerilee. You know that. That’s how you dull out discipline.”
“Discipline? That was assault! You smashed a colt’s hoof over some hoofball cards! You can get expelled over that!”
“Tomato, tomato. The only thing that matters in the end is that Snails knows what gunna’ come to him next time he crosses my bad side.”
There was a knock at the door. Cheerilee sang her “Come in!”, which prompted Princess Twilight Sparkle to come walking in.
“Miss Cheerilee, I’ll have you know that Snails made it safely to the hospital and that so far we haven't found anything serious.”
“Oh thank Celestia,” Cheerilee sighed with relief.
“And you,” Twilight faced me. “I don’t know exactly what you put him through, but whatever it was, it was no excuse.”
“Ayy, Princess. You’re looking beautiful today. Did you lose some weight? Your ass is looking fine.”
The princess jerked her head back in disgust. “What did you just say to me?”
“What? You heard me. I’m thinking about inviting you to dinner under the moonlit sky. You up?”
Twilight turned to the teacher of the room. “Cheerilee, are you listening to what this colt is saying to me?”
“Sorry, Twilight. Even I can’t get him under control. He’s been acting like that ever since he got in here.”
I snapped at her. “Hey, don’t ignore me. I asked you a question.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t date colts.”
“Colt? Who you callin’ a colt? Twilight, I’m a full blown stallion. Enough to meet all of your needs.” I stared deeply into Twilight’s eyes as she peevishly shied away from advances. She was blushing. I knew I had the magic in me.
“I need to leave.” Twilight parted from me and went for the door. She turned back to Cheerilee. “You need to get him under control.”
With one last wanting stare toward me, I motioned my hoof guns to her. She blushed and turned. Oh yeah, I was getting some of that later tonight.
“Anyways, Cheerilee, I’d love to stay longer, but I’ve gotta go. My other mares are calling for me.”
Cheerilee ran to the door in protest. “B-but what am I going to tell the upper ponies? I don’t want you to leave my side!”
“Just keep pretending and keep bullshitting like you always do. That’s why you’ll stay my number one, Cheer Cheer. Because you’re always there for me.”
Cheerilee fainted from the praise. On the ground she sang. “Anything for you, Cobalt.”
I smirked and walked out of the classroom.
Snails walked on the path trying to find the meeting area Cobalt told him about earlier. He had desperately wanted those hoofball cards Cobalt was willing to trade to him. In a hidden clearing, Snails found Cobalt Shield. On the floor, drooling out of his mouth, and next to a pile of powdered poison joke, Cobalt spasmed while muttering about how much he wanted Princess Twilight’s ass.
“Uh, Cobalt? You okay?”
Pics
Odd, could've sworn I commented on this earlier.
I really liked how you started with a humorously serious character, and then moved on to absurdity with how the other characters reacted to him.
The ending was a good resolution with how it tied the story back to reality.
Hope he doesn't get sunburned too badly.
I really liked how you started with a humorously serious character, and then moved on to absurdity with how the other characters reacted to him.
The ending was a good resolution with how it tied the story back to reality.
Hope he doesn't get sunburned too badly.
I think you need more whitespace between your second and third scenes (i.e. the break in the illusion). Or at the very least, a different sort of transition to indicate that we're not just taking a small jump in time and space like the previous transition.
I'm not entirely sure that I buy what poison joke is doing to Cobalt here. Poison joke does something to play a joke on its victim, and here he's just heavily inebriated.
Also, Cheerilee's sudden reversal of attitude is a bit jarring. There's got to be a better way to slowly hint to the reader what is going on.
You could use some proofing, e.g. "dole" not "dull".
Also, Cheerilee's sudden reversal of attitude is a bit jarring. There's got to be a better way to slowly hint to the reader what is going on.
You could use some proofing, e.g. "dole" not "dull".
gunna’
First, a quick grammar nitpick: apostrophes are used to indicate omitted letters. The apostrophe in "don't" replaces an o ("do not"). The trailing apostrophe in "doin”" replaces a g ("doing"). When you elide "you" to "ya" or "going to" to "gunna", you're using phonetic pronunciation to represent accent/dialect. There's no letter for an apostrophe to replace. I mean, unless you're implying that the actual phrase is "gunnaing to". ;-p
Anyway: This strikes a whimsical, absurd tone with a lot of potential, and the dialogue is pretty snappy and clever. Good job on realizing your vision there! However, when you're going full-blown absurd, I think it's important to be careful with the details so that the things which do ground the story make as much sense as possible. The more squarely the serious parts add up, the brighter the contrast with the craziness which gives you your humor.
For example, take the overall structure. The first scene is framed as a narrated flashback by the second scene. The second scene is framed as a hallucination by the ending, which means we have a sort of picture-in-picture Inception effect. We have three beats recontextualizing what we've read so far: the first scene break, where we learn the first scene is a story; the second scene break, where we learn the whole thing is a hallucination; and then a giant, mushy one in the middle, as the second scene devolves from a confrontation with authority into … some sort of weird sexual fantasy, I guess?
The conceit of the second scene is that the first is narrated to Cheerilee. But if I were Cheerilee, I would have had some questions long before "So you smashed his hoof?" … like asking what the hay he meant by "This joint used to be free of crime until I came along." Besides, they do know about the hoof-smashing, since they had to take Snails to the hospital.
A lot of the dialogue is nonsensical, even given the hallucinatory standards of the piece:
“I don’t believe you’re bein’ truthful with me right now."
This is in response to Snails' "Uh." Snails hasn't told him anything to be untruthful about!
"I don’t know exactly what you put him through, but whatever it was, it was no excuse."
His actions were no excuse for … what? His actions?
This could also use some surface polish (the sudden shift in verb tense; a number of errors like "dull out discipline" instead of "dole out discipline"), but I would focus on the larger issues in your own editing, because outside editors can help much more easily with polish.
Tier: Keep Developing