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Keep on Training
Opalescence hissed. She'd spent the last few hours on a train to Mt. Aris and it was really getting on her nerves.
She was a cat and, as such, she prefered her own paths. Sitting in a cardboard box most definitely wasn't her path, especially when Winona was around.
Winona was a dog and thus, in Opalescence's book a retard by definition. For starters, she still seemed to believe that they were going to Mt. Aris.
Meanwhile, Opal listened carefully to Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle. Thus, she knew that they were going to the Crystal Empire now. Before, the train apparently went to the moon, made a circle around Uranus, and fought pirate ships at the seven seas. In fact, Opal wasn't sure how they were still going; after all, they seemingly crashed a while ago when the luggage slipped out of Sweetie Belle's magic grasp and collapsed on Apple Bloom's head.
Nevertheless, they kept scaling tallest mountains, crossing endless tunnels, sometimes flying above the clouds, sometimes going under the sea, watching sirens chasing seaponies.
Opal was getting sick of that. Although the train didn't seem to really move, the happy babbling alone was enough to give her nausea. And the three fillies were babbling constantly.
Opal looked at Winona, who looked through the window of their train car, sticking her tongue out. The dog seemed not to care about anything. Whether it was the darkness of Griffon lands, the sands of Somnambula, or the endless void of outer space, Winona reacted to it with this speechless amazement, typical for all the dogs. She listened to Apple Bloom's every word, tilting her head and looking at the suitcase where the filly hid the treats.
The sun was almost setting. Opal heard Rarity's distant calling and sat in her train car, awaiting salvation. She wasn't quite sure how'd Rarity reach them across the layers of time and space piling on the top of each other since this fateful morning when the train took off from Sweet Apple Acres.
"Sweetie Belle! Time to go home!"
"But Rarity! It's still early!"
Opal's ears perked up when she heard her name. Rarity was just explaining her little sister that Opal needed to eat something. Finally, someone who understands me, Opal thought.
Soon, she found herself in the warm embrace of Rarity's magic. Sweetie, however, stayed; Opal looked at her and at the train -- in fact, just a few cardboard boxes.
However, as soon as she turned her gaze away, the train rode forward, heading towards another adventure.
She was a cat and, as such, she prefered her own paths. Sitting in a cardboard box most definitely wasn't her path, especially when Winona was around.
Winona was a dog and thus, in Opalescence's book a retard by definition. For starters, she still seemed to believe that they were going to Mt. Aris.
Meanwhile, Opal listened carefully to Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle. Thus, she knew that they were going to the Crystal Empire now. Before, the train apparently went to the moon, made a circle around Uranus, and fought pirate ships at the seven seas. In fact, Opal wasn't sure how they were still going; after all, they seemingly crashed a while ago when the luggage slipped out of Sweetie Belle's magic grasp and collapsed on Apple Bloom's head.
Nevertheless, they kept scaling tallest mountains, crossing endless tunnels, sometimes flying above the clouds, sometimes going under the sea, watching sirens chasing seaponies.
Opal was getting sick of that. Although the train didn't seem to really move, the happy babbling alone was enough to give her nausea. And the three fillies were babbling constantly.
Opal looked at Winona, who looked through the window of their train car, sticking her tongue out. The dog seemed not to care about anything. Whether it was the darkness of Griffon lands, the sands of Somnambula, or the endless void of outer space, Winona reacted to it with this speechless amazement, typical for all the dogs. She listened to Apple Bloom's every word, tilting her head and looking at the suitcase where the filly hid the treats.
The sun was almost setting. Opal heard Rarity's distant calling and sat in her train car, awaiting salvation. She wasn't quite sure how'd Rarity reach them across the layers of time and space piling on the top of each other since this fateful morning when the train took off from Sweet Apple Acres.
"Sweetie Belle! Time to go home!"
"But Rarity! It's still early!"
Opal's ears perked up when she heard her name. Rarity was just explaining her little sister that Opal needed to eat something. Finally, someone who understands me, Opal thought.
Soon, she found herself in the warm embrace of Rarity's magic. Sweetie, however, stayed; Opal looked at her and at the train -- in fact, just a few cardboard boxes.
However, as soon as she turned her gaze away, the train rode forward, heading towards another adventure.
Pics
Heh, that was... really good, mah dude. I'm sorry, but I don't really have much more to say. It was just cute.
This is cute. The style is very telly, however. Instead of saying "Opal listened to Apple Bloom", you should use Apple Bloom's dialogue. You can do this in a clever way and still keep the secret, or let details slowly slip loose until the reveal.
Really cute and fun in the most honest, child-like way possible. Just a couple kids dragging some animals along for a day of pretend with nothing but boxes an imagination. I totally dig it.
Only beef is that:
Pointing out so plainly that "why yes it's all made of cardboard and pretend, Watson" kind of sucks the fun out of things and doesn't do much of anything else that I can see.
Only beef is that:
Opal looked at her and at the train -- in fact, just a few cardboard boxes.
Pointing out so plainly that "why yes it's all made of cardboard and pretend, Watson" kind of sucks the fun out of things and doesn't do much of anything else that I can see.
Incredibly cute and charming; you play well with the animal's perspective here. I don't think it goes quite far enough, however. I get that you're going for "supercilious cattitude, despite not actually knowing anything for real," and for the most part that's captured well. But I feel as if Opal comes across as a little too worldly and knowledgeable, for someone who doesn't even realize that she's in a fake cardboard train.
Play with the cat's perspective. The reader's privileged to information that Opal is incapable of grasping. Take that further.
Play with the cat's perspective. The reader's privileged to information that Opal is incapable of grasping. Take that further.
>>MLPmatthewl419
>>Trick_Question
>>Rao
>>Posh
Fun fact: I started this fic with 18 minutes left on the clock and finished it two minutes before the deadline. I also typed it on my phone which made it slower, since I prefer to have a physical keyboard to write. Of course, it did better than the fic I spent most time on.
Also, making Opal a POV character was the first thing that came to my mind when I realised that I didn't want to just write a cute story, I wanted to put some spin on it. Obviously, I didn't have much time to develop the idea further, but I rolled with it anyway.
>>Trick_Question
>>Rao
>>Posh
Fun fact: I started this fic with 18 minutes left on the clock and finished it two minutes before the deadline. I also typed it on my phone which made it slower, since I prefer to have a physical keyboard to write. Of course, it did better than the fic I spent most time on.
Also, making Opal a POV character was the first thing that came to my mind when I realised that I didn't want to just write a cute story, I wanted to put some spin on it. Obviously, I didn't have much time to develop the idea further, but I rolled with it anyway.