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Equivalent Trade
Twilight sank to her hooves as she panted and wheezed for breath. The exhaustion had gotten to her.
“Walking this wasteland almost makes you wish for a nuclear winter.”
Twilight looked to the traveling mare who appeared in front of her. A bottle of water floated in front of her face.
“Thirsty?” the traveling mare quipped.
“No thanks, I bet you’re working for--” Twilight attempted to speak but coughed heavily from the roughness in her throat.
“Now now, don’t speak. The Great and Powerful Trixie is here to help!” The mare pulled back her cloak to reveal her true figure. She levitated the bottle to Twilight’s lips to help her drink.
“Trixie? What are you doing here out in the middle of nowhere?”
“Um, do you not see the wagon? Trixie's a merchant.”
Twilight eyed the wagon. It was pretty massive. How did she miss it?
A tidal wave came over Twilight’s head. Her head throbbed in pain as she scummed back to the earth.
“Oh, what’s this? Is Twilight Sparkle bowing to the Great and Powerful--”
“Trixie!”
“W-what?” Trixie stuttered.
“What did you put in there?”
Trixie gasped at the accusation. “How dare you think that the Great and Powerful Trixie would harm you, Twilight Sparkle.”
Twilight got up but immediately fell to the ground in a faint. Trixie rushed over to her and wiped the sand off from her face.
“If that’s not it, then what’s happening…?” Twilight murmured.
“You’re exhausted. Now come on, into the wagon you go.”
Inside, Trixie laid Twilight on her cot. The blue mare put her hoof on Twilight’s head to check her temperature.
“Well no wonder you fainted. You’re burning up! And to think, without me, you’d probably be dead out in the wasteland. You should be thanking me, Twilight Sparkle.”
Twilight, however, couldn’t relax. She was now in the wagon of someone who’d she consider a complete stranger. Unable to do anything put her extensively on her nerves. Any attack on her would easily be fatal given the correct intent.
The mare peered around the wagon, but her heart sank as she traced between one object to the next. Pony skulls, jars of eyes and teeth, and underneath it all was a cooler. Twilight couldn’t even imagine what was in there without getting nauseous.
She jolted up picturing the inside, however Trixie came and pushed her back down. “There is no way, Twilight Sparkle, Trixie will let you leave this wagon until you are well.”
Smacking an ice pack on the purple mare’s forehead and giving her a blanket, Trixie smiled. “There, better?”
“Trixie,” Twilight spoke up.
Trixie hummed, eagerly awaiting her praise. Her eyes fluttered.
“What exactly type of merchant are you again?”
Trixie jumped in excitement. “Why, an organ trader!”
Twilight’s pupils sank. With a spark and sputter, her teleport spell failed. Instead, she crawled back further into the cot.
Trixie giggled. “I love seeing the reaction on ponies face when they hear that. Don’t worry, I won’t eat you up. Even the Great and Powerful Trixie is a herbivore, you know.”
“Then what’s with all the pony bones and eyeballs around the place for?”
“Trixie is a trader, duh. She sells them. There are a lot of wounded or ill ponies out there, Twilight.”
Twilight stayed silent. That was the only thing she could do after hearing an obvious answer like that.
“But, Trixie does require some sort of payment for her services.” Trixie climbed on the cot that supported Twilight’s weight and planted her lips onto Twilight’s. Twilight felt her life force inside of her being drained away, escaping into the tongue that had slipped onto hers.
Twilight managed to push her off in her weakened state after what seemed like an eternity. “You’re a changeling?” she asked.
“Well, Trixie did lie a bit on the part where she said she wouldn’t eat you up,” Trixie admitted. “Oh, and don’t tell anypony else of Trixie’s secret. She wouldn’t want her business ruined from one neighsayer.”
“Why should I? For what reason do I have to trust you?”
“As long as you are a resident in Trixie’s wagon, she will do whatever it takes to ensure that you are feeling okay. That is, if you're willing to give in return. But since you're so weak, as if Trixie could let you get away with a fair choice..."
Trixie continued with a passionate kiss on Twilight's neck. Twilight felt it was appropriate to at least pretend to like it.
“Walking this wasteland almost makes you wish for a nuclear winter.”
Twilight looked to the traveling mare who appeared in front of her. A bottle of water floated in front of her face.
“Thirsty?” the traveling mare quipped.
“No thanks, I bet you’re working for--” Twilight attempted to speak but coughed heavily from the roughness in her throat.
“Now now, don’t speak. The Great and Powerful Trixie is here to help!” The mare pulled back her cloak to reveal her true figure. She levitated the bottle to Twilight’s lips to help her drink.
“Trixie? What are you doing here out in the middle of nowhere?”
“Um, do you not see the wagon? Trixie's a merchant.”
Twilight eyed the wagon. It was pretty massive. How did she miss it?
A tidal wave came over Twilight’s head. Her head throbbed in pain as she scummed back to the earth.
“Oh, what’s this? Is Twilight Sparkle bowing to the Great and Powerful--”
“Trixie!”
“W-what?” Trixie stuttered.
“What did you put in there?”
Trixie gasped at the accusation. “How dare you think that the Great and Powerful Trixie would harm you, Twilight Sparkle.”
Twilight got up but immediately fell to the ground in a faint. Trixie rushed over to her and wiped the sand off from her face.
“If that’s not it, then what’s happening…?” Twilight murmured.
“You’re exhausted. Now come on, into the wagon you go.”
Inside, Trixie laid Twilight on her cot. The blue mare put her hoof on Twilight’s head to check her temperature.
“Well no wonder you fainted. You’re burning up! And to think, without me, you’d probably be dead out in the wasteland. You should be thanking me, Twilight Sparkle.”
Twilight, however, couldn’t relax. She was now in the wagon of someone who’d she consider a complete stranger. Unable to do anything put her extensively on her nerves. Any attack on her would easily be fatal given the correct intent.
The mare peered around the wagon, but her heart sank as she traced between one object to the next. Pony skulls, jars of eyes and teeth, and underneath it all was a cooler. Twilight couldn’t even imagine what was in there without getting nauseous.
She jolted up picturing the inside, however Trixie came and pushed her back down. “There is no way, Twilight Sparkle, Trixie will let you leave this wagon until you are well.”
Smacking an ice pack on the purple mare’s forehead and giving her a blanket, Trixie smiled. “There, better?”
“Trixie,” Twilight spoke up.
Trixie hummed, eagerly awaiting her praise. Her eyes fluttered.
“What exactly type of merchant are you again?”
Trixie jumped in excitement. “Why, an organ trader!”
Twilight’s pupils sank. With a spark and sputter, her teleport spell failed. Instead, she crawled back further into the cot.
Trixie giggled. “I love seeing the reaction on ponies face when they hear that. Don’t worry, I won’t eat you up. Even the Great and Powerful Trixie is a herbivore, you know.”
“Then what’s with all the pony bones and eyeballs around the place for?”
“Trixie is a trader, duh. She sells them. There are a lot of wounded or ill ponies out there, Twilight.”
Twilight stayed silent. That was the only thing she could do after hearing an obvious answer like that.
“But, Trixie does require some sort of payment for her services.” Trixie climbed on the cot that supported Twilight’s weight and planted her lips onto Twilight’s. Twilight felt her life force inside of her being drained away, escaping into the tongue that had slipped onto hers.
Twilight managed to push her off in her weakened state after what seemed like an eternity. “You’re a changeling?” she asked.
“Well, Trixie did lie a bit on the part where she said she wouldn’t eat you up,” Trixie admitted. “Oh, and don’t tell anypony else of Trixie’s secret. She wouldn’t want her business ruined from one neighsayer.”
“Why should I? For what reason do I have to trust you?”
“As long as you are a resident in Trixie’s wagon, she will do whatever it takes to ensure that you are feeling okay. That is, if you're willing to give in return. But since you're so weak, as if Trixie could let you get away with a fair choice..."
Trixie continued with a passionate kiss on Twilight's neck. Twilight felt it was appropriate to at least pretend to like it.
Pics
I have conflicting feelings about this one. On the one hand, there's some genuinely interesting stuff here, and I was definitely drawn in by the mystery you build up around Trixie. But on the other hand, I did finish the story feeling somewhat unsatisfied.
I think the biggest issue for me, is that there isn't really any sort of emotional arc. While plot-driving things definitely do happen, both characters still end up with the same mindset and emotions as they did at the start of the story. I really think that the Trixie-related reveals should have changed Twilight's opinion or feelings about her, but they didn't really have any effect, either to disprove or to amplify how Twilight already felt about Trixie.
On a side note, that Fallout joke in the very beginning was a bit of a tonal mismatch for me. On my first read-though, I thought I was reading a comedy because of that line alone. The openings of minifics are really important, since the reader looks to them to immediately set the tone of a very short story, so be careful with what you put in the first few sentences.
I think the biggest issue for me, is that there isn't really any sort of emotional arc. While plot-driving things definitely do happen, both characters still end up with the same mindset and emotions as they did at the start of the story. I really think that the Trixie-related reveals should have changed Twilight's opinion or feelings about her, but they didn't really have any effect, either to disprove or to amplify how Twilight already felt about Trixie.
On a side note, that Fallout joke in the very beginning was a bit of a tonal mismatch for me. On my first read-though, I thought I was reading a comedy because of that line alone. The openings of minifics are really important, since the reader looks to them to immediately set the tone of a very short story, so be careful with what you put in the first few sentences.
Genre: ...Changeling roofie rape? Kinda? Like seriously, are we starting there.
*takes breath*
K. Let's do this. :rainbowdetermined:
Thoughts: Regrettably I have to give the concept here a resounding nope nope nope nope moped nope nope. But it's not just for the rapey Trixie-Changeling, though she's a good entry point into some actual criticism.
One of my recurring problems with writing super-short stories is that I try to cram in either too much plot, or too many mental leaps to ask of an audience, in the allotted space. It's like clockwork: every minific Writeoff my brain comes to me with several high-concept AU or action/adventure stories that cannot possibly work in 750 words, and I must resist the temptation to walk the path of past failures again. Even if you go for in media res, it still takes some space and time to get people into the setting and setup that you want them to buy. They'll probably have questions, and the problem with genres that don't rely as much on subtlety is that the audience isn't as primed to pick up on clues and inferences.
So tl;dr, your subject matter opens up a ton of AU and mental leap stuff that there's barely room to reveal, much less to sell. What exactly is the setting that Twilight is in, and why? Is this "our" Twilight or another? Check it out, a random trader appears... but it's Trixie... but she's drugging Twilight... and she's a pony-carver! And a Changeling! And there's non-con! But Twilight's kinda into it!
I need the story to lead me through these things. It's not that it couldn't (regardless of whether or not it'd be my thing if it did); it's that right now it doesn't. That coupled with my personal starting point on the subject matter makes for a rough ride.
Tier: Keep Developing
*takes breath*
K. Let's do this. :rainbowdetermined:
Thoughts: Regrettably I have to give the concept here a resounding nope nope nope nope moped nope nope. But it's not just for the rapey Trixie-Changeling, though she's a good entry point into some actual criticism.
One of my recurring problems with writing super-short stories is that I try to cram in either too much plot, or too many mental leaps to ask of an audience, in the allotted space. It's like clockwork: every minific Writeoff my brain comes to me with several high-concept AU or action/adventure stories that cannot possibly work in 750 words, and I must resist the temptation to walk the path of past failures again. Even if you go for in media res, it still takes some space and time to get people into the setting and setup that you want them to buy. They'll probably have questions, and the problem with genres that don't rely as much on subtlety is that the audience isn't as primed to pick up on clues and inferences.
So tl;dr, your subject matter opens up a ton of AU and mental leap stuff that there's barely room to reveal, much less to sell. What exactly is the setting that Twilight is in, and why? Is this "our" Twilight or another? Check it out, a random trader appears... but it's Trixie... but she's drugging Twilight... and she's a pony-carver! And a Changeling! And there's non-con! But Twilight's kinda into it!
I need the story to lead me through these things. It's not that it couldn't (regardless of whether or not it'd be my thing if it did); it's that right now it doesn't. That coupled with my personal starting point on the subject matter makes for a rough ride.
Tier: Keep Developing
Trixie jumped in excitement. “Why, an organ trader!”
Twilight’s pupils sank. With a spark and sputter, her teleport spell failed. Instead, she crawled back further into the cot.
Trixie giggled. “I love seeing the reaction on ponies face when they hear that. Don’t worry, I won’t eat you up. Even the Great and Powerful Trixie is a herbivore, you know.”
I was half-expecting something totally absurd here, like Trixie suddenly pulling a Hammond organ from a locker, but I guess such things only happen to Pinkie Pie. It generally feels like a couple of ideas combined into one and crammed into a minific, with less-than-great result.