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Another poem. Another one. Another one.
Another one.
I'm going to try and hold back my intense bitterness, because I do think there's an actually decent story buried under all this... stuff. I like Thunderlane as a character, and especially after seeing what he's really like in that one episode of the show I knew I'd like him even more.
The story develops him well enough, and it shows us how he started off as competitive like Rainbow Dash and by the end became more laid back like Fluttershy.
But aside from Thunderlane being Our Guy, and some little details thrown in there, there's not much to chew on here without acknowledging the format in which this story is told.
I don't know why this is a poem. I don't know why this story was told in this way. The only reason I can think of is so that the author could cram a lot of events into a short amount of space, since narrative poems aren't usually as detailed and long-winded as prose ones, and you can cover a lot of ground that way.
But the format doesn't do the story itself any justice, or favors for that matter. I kept being distracted by how basic and even wonky at times the rhyme scheme is, and there are a lot of word choices that made me scratch my head.
Obviously writing a whole story, even a 750-word one, in this format requires a good deal of commitment and at least some knowledge of rhythm and rhyme schemes, but I don't think it paid off.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 5 on this.
Another one.
I'm going to try and hold back my intense bitterness, because I do think there's an actually decent story buried under all this... stuff. I like Thunderlane as a character, and especially after seeing what he's really like in that one episode of the show I knew I'd like him even more.
The story develops him well enough, and it shows us how he started off as competitive like Rainbow Dash and by the end became more laid back like Fluttershy.
But aside from Thunderlane being Our Guy, and some little details thrown in there, there's not much to chew on here without acknowledging the format in which this story is told.
I don't know why this is a poem. I don't know why this story was told in this way. The only reason I can think of is so that the author could cram a lot of events into a short amount of space, since narrative poems aren't usually as detailed and long-winded as prose ones, and you can cover a lot of ground that way.
But the format doesn't do the story itself any justice, or favors for that matter. I kept being distracted by how basic and even wonky at times the rhyme scheme is, and there are a lot of word choices that made me scratch my head.
Obviously writing a whole story, even a 750-word one, in this format requires a good deal of commitment and at least some knowledge of rhythm and rhyme schemes, but I don't think it paid off.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 5 on this.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Presumably because it plays to cultural stereotypes. MLP has a weird relationship with those. I laughed at that.
I laughed at a lot of this, in fact. Although, if the King is as fond of his guillotine as the story insists he is, one wonders why he didn't just order Griswielda to read his child's fortune, on penalty of off-with-her-headiness.
Minor gripe, sorry. No, I liked it a lot, thank you for writing.
(though I’m not sure how Griswielda’s turban could be considered offensive,)
Presumably because it plays to cultural stereotypes. MLP has a weird relationship with those. I laughed at that.
I laughed at a lot of this, in fact. Although, if the King is as fond of his guillotine as the story insists he is, one wonders why he didn't just order Griswielda to read his child's fortune, on penalty of off-with-her-headiness.
Minor gripe, sorry. No, I liked it a lot, thank you for writing.
I hate myself.
In other news, this is a comedy, and at first I thought it was going to be a crackfic, judging from those opening lines, but the story ended up playing itself straighter than I had expected.
The result is something absurd, but not absurd enough, and I kind of wished it just kept going in that direction and turned into an episode out of Alice in Wonderland. Or a Super Trampoline fic, I don't know.
The "retards" line made me laugh. Sue me. I tried to imagine Luna saying that line and it's just so ridiculous and out of character that it made me lol. Ya got that?
The part with Luna drinking potions was random, and seriously came from nowhere. I didn't even find it that funny, because I didn't know what was happening, and then the ending happened...
This is one of the most thoroughly confusing entries I've reviewed, which I guess deserves a medal that doesn't exist yet.
It is kind of a shitshow, though, an assessment which I think even or especially the author would agree with.
I'm feeling a light to decent 4 on this.
In other news, this is a comedy, and at first I thought it was going to be a crackfic, judging from those opening lines, but the story ended up playing itself straighter than I had expected.
The result is something absurd, but not absurd enough, and I kind of wished it just kept going in that direction and turned into an episode out of Alice in Wonderland. Or a Super Trampoline fic, I don't know.
The "retards" line made me laugh. Sue me. I tried to imagine Luna saying that line and it's just so ridiculous and out of character that it made me lol. Ya got that?
The part with Luna drinking potions was random, and seriously came from nowhere. I didn't even find it that funny, because I didn't know what was happening, and then the ending happened...
This is one of the most thoroughly confusing entries I've reviewed, which I guess deserves a medal that doesn't exist yet.
It is kind of a shitshow, though, an assessment which I think even or especially the author would agree with.
I'm feeling a light to decent 4 on this.
I don't know if this is meant to be a comedy or a drama, or a mix of both, but neither quite land for me.
As a comedy it didn't make me laugh, and while I got the impression that the narrator was being a little witty, the tone didn't fit what was being described, so it came off as jarring.
The drama part works a bit better, but the author did a very naughty thing and cheated so that the reader was not told about something that would have been very obvious to the characters until the reveal was tactically made.
This would've been fine, except for the fact that said twist was a burning car that would've been impossible to hide if this story was told in a visual medium.
Like I said, it feels like cheating, and misleading the reader in a way that doesn't quite pay off.
Also, there are some serious grammar issues, with commas often taking the place of where periods and semi-colons should be, and there are also a few typos I noticed, including one in the first paragraph which does not give the reader a good impression.
Other commenters have said this story is cute, and I guess it is, but I wasn't really feeling it.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 5 on this.
As a comedy it didn't make me laugh, and while I got the impression that the narrator was being a little witty, the tone didn't fit what was being described, so it came off as jarring.
The drama part works a bit better, but the author did a very naughty thing and cheated so that the reader was not told about something that would have been very obvious to the characters until the reveal was tactically made.
This would've been fine, except for the fact that said twist was a burning car that would've been impossible to hide if this story was told in a visual medium.
Like I said, it feels like cheating, and misleading the reader in a way that doesn't quite pay off.
Also, there are some serious grammar issues, with commas often taking the place of where periods and semi-colons should be, and there are also a few typos I noticed, including one in the first paragraph which does not give the reader a good impression.
Other commenters have said this story is cute, and I guess it is, but I wasn't really feeling it.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 5 on this.
This feels like one of those old timey fables. Lessons to be learned, and sacrifices to be made.
Since my headcannon is that Discord is just some manifestation of the primordial chaos predating existence, it takes quite a bit to throw that. Plus he’s a bit murdery for Discord. It is well written, though.
>>PaulAsaran
Agreed. Each chapter could begin with one of many keen observations:
Thus continues my descent into madness and friendship.
Everypony is this town is CRAZY!
Friendship is Madness.
It could be worse, my muzzle could be gushing blood.
I now know what it means to dance with Discord, in the pale moon light.
Agreed. Each chapter could begin with one of many keen observations:
Thus continues my descent into madness and friendship.
Everypony is this town is CRAZY!
Friendship is Madness.
It could be worse, my muzzle could be gushing blood.
I now know what it means to dance with Discord, in the pale moon light.
>>No_Raisin
(Okay I give up, I don't know what the TRAN thing means and it keeps piquing my curiosity. Would you be willing to tell?)
(Okay I give up, I don't know what the TRAN thing means and it keeps piquing my curiosity. Would you be willing to tell?)
>>No_Raisin
>>Trick_Question
There are some colleges like this. Especially prestigious ones.
I went to a college prep school, and knew plenty of students who wanted to go to their parents’ alma mater, or just something prestigious, and I heard (never from my own parents, thankfully) stuff like “Bs are for Bums” and other stuff insinuating parents would disown their kids for Cs and whatnot.
Still, no one can beat you up like yourself. I’d like to see this expanded.
>>Trick_Question
There are some colleges like this. Especially prestigious ones.
I went to a college prep school, and knew plenty of students who wanted to go to their parents’ alma mater, or just something prestigious, and I heard (never from my own parents, thankfully) stuff like “Bs are for Bums” and other stuff insinuating parents would disown their kids for Cs and whatnot.
Still, no one can beat you up like yourself. I’d like to see this expanded.
There's something strongly amiss with this entry.
I understand the intentions, which were good, but I feel like this is the wrong kind of story to tackle something like divorce. Even by the show's standards this feels very spoonfed and condescending towards kids in general, let alone the Cake twins, whose ignorance I have a very hard time believing.
There are too many questions raised from the get-go, like how any of this even came about, and why the twins are asking Pinkie why they have two birthdays if they know their parents are separated, both physically and in their relationship, already. Isn't the answer within the question here?
I understand that kids, especially very young ones, have a hard time grasping the idea of divorce, and the implications of which they would not be able to fully understand until years later, but the way Pinkie talked to the twins seemed really off, and lacking in a certain tenderness that she normally exhibits when she's not being totally silly.
Hell, Mr. Rogers handled the topic with more patience and maturity, and his audience was a bunch of kindergartners.
I feel like I'm being overly negative with this entry, and I suspect it will also be one of the most controversial ones once we get down to it, but as far as writing goes it's very solid. Above average, in fact.
But at the same time there's not much else I feel I can say about it.
I'm feeling a strong 5 to a light 6 on this.
I understand the intentions, which were good, but I feel like this is the wrong kind of story to tackle something like divorce. Even by the show's standards this feels very spoonfed and condescending towards kids in general, let alone the Cake twins, whose ignorance I have a very hard time believing.
There are too many questions raised from the get-go, like how any of this even came about, and why the twins are asking Pinkie why they have two birthdays if they know their parents are separated, both physically and in their relationship, already. Isn't the answer within the question here?
I understand that kids, especially very young ones, have a hard time grasping the idea of divorce, and the implications of which they would not be able to fully understand until years later, but the way Pinkie talked to the twins seemed really off, and lacking in a certain tenderness that she normally exhibits when she's not being totally silly.
Hell, Mr. Rogers handled the topic with more patience and maturity, and his audience was a bunch of kindergartners.
I feel like I'm being overly negative with this entry, and I suspect it will also be one of the most controversial ones once we get down to it, but as far as writing goes it's very solid. Above average, in fact.
But at the same time there's not much else I feel I can say about it.
I'm feeling a strong 5 to a light 6 on this.
Fighting injustice and being impervious to change makes for a rough combination. I feel like I know someone like this.
Also:
When people cease to listen to you, you know tragedy.
When you cease to listen to yourself, you know despair.
Also:
When people cease to listen to you, you know tragedy.
When you cease to listen to yourself, you know despair.
I might dial back on the severity here. Twilight's practically returning to Lesson Zero with this: 600 viewings? It's a little hard to swallow.
I also want a little more. This is a narrow character piece, but I'd prefer an arc of some sort. If Twilight isn't going to learn anything in this story, maybe Spike can.
I also want a little more. This is a narrow character piece, but I'd prefer an arc of some sort. If Twilight isn't going to learn anything in this story, maybe Spike can.
>>CoffeeMinion My scoring and ending emulates the Needle Drop's style of reviewing music. At the end of each video he would say "TRAN—" and then cut to a different place and say "—SITION." It's silly, but I got into the habit of doing it.
“This food is delicious!”
“It is! I wonder why it’s on these white sticks...”
“Those are the rib bones.”
“... this was an animal?”
Thank you, Masters of the Universe, for introducing me to the hilarious concept of food culture shock, that I might better appreciate this fic.
At least they didn’t try a dry-rub.
“It is! I wonder why it’s on these white sticks...”
“Those are the rib bones.”
“... this was an animal?”
Thank you, Masters of the Universe, for introducing me to the hilarious concept of food culture shock, that I might better appreciate this fic.
At least they didn’t try a dry-rub.
This is a case where the ending can sour one's opinion of the rest of the story.
Don't get me wrong, I like this entry quite a bit, but something really rubbed me the wrong way about Daring Do doing what she did to the doctor and herself by proxy. It says something about her character, but the narrative just stops dead in its tracks before what is being said has any room to breathe.
Not only that, but the joke at the very end, which I'm assuming the author put in as a way of distracting the reader from the very dark implications of what had just happened, only made the story's sudden death that much more anticlimactic.
It's a shame because otherwise I think this is very well-written, with even a few jokes that made me chuckle like the soul-sucked-out part, and I think the author captured Daring's voice remarkably well.
Unfortunately he/she also fumbled when it came time to make the touchdown.
Made all the worse by how well things were going up until that point.
I'm feeling a strong 7 to a light 8 on this.
Don't get me wrong, I like this entry quite a bit, but something really rubbed me the wrong way about Daring Do doing what she did to the doctor and herself by proxy. It says something about her character, but the narrative just stops dead in its tracks before what is being said has any room to breathe.
Not only that, but the joke at the very end, which I'm assuming the author put in as a way of distracting the reader from the very dark implications of what had just happened, only made the story's sudden death that much more anticlimactic.
It's a shame because otherwise I think this is very well-written, with even a few jokes that made me chuckle like the soul-sucked-out part, and I think the author captured Daring's voice remarkably well.
Unfortunately he/she also fumbled when it came time to make the touchdown.
Made all the worse by how well things were going up until that point.
I'm feeling a strong 7 to a light 8 on this.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I think yes... this is a world gone wrong.
The castle is missing, certain details are purposefully wrong. It has the ring of that episode of the twilight zone (har har If Twilight did this) where going back and changing something in the past wrecks the present, then the continuous going back and changing, changing, changing, until you realize that the only change that will restore everything is to remove yourself right before you left the first time.
I think yes... this is a world gone wrong.
The castle is missing, certain details are purposefully wrong. It has the ring of that episode of the twilight zone (har har If Twilight did this) where going back and changing something in the past wrecks the present, then the continuous going back and changing, changing, changing, until you realize that the only change that will restore everything is to remove yourself right before you left the first time.
On the one hand I feel like this is a pretty thorough character piece, considering the length, but on the other I get the feeling that there are contradictory elements at work here, regarding Twilight.
Let me explain.
Twilight is a neurotic, sometimes violently so, but the extent to which she has had these bouts of anxiety has lessened gradually since season 2, and nowadays she's somewhat well-adjusted.
I don't get that impression here.
This is basically Twilight circa season 2, except she's a princess, so at least the end of season 3. I'm not sure about the chronology of this entry, but I have to assume it takes place during season 4 or later since there's nothing indicating otherwise, and we know that Twilight has developed more as a character than the story is giving her credit for.
Spike, on the other hand, is pretty spot-on. There's a bit of snark in his voice, but ultimately he is very understanding of Twilight's plight and remains patient with her. Heck, the story could've almost been more about him instead of her.
Characterization is good on the whole, I would say, even though this is not the Twilight we are now familiar with.
The lesson at the end of it all is also good, even if the conflict is resolved too swiftly.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 7 on this.
Let me explain.
Twilight is a neurotic, sometimes violently so, but the extent to which she has had these bouts of anxiety has lessened gradually since season 2, and nowadays she's somewhat well-adjusted.
I don't get that impression here.
This is basically Twilight circa season 2, except she's a princess, so at least the end of season 3. I'm not sure about the chronology of this entry, but I have to assume it takes place during season 4 or later since there's nothing indicating otherwise, and we know that Twilight has developed more as a character than the story is giving her credit for.
Spike, on the other hand, is pretty spot-on. There's a bit of snark in his voice, but ultimately he is very understanding of Twilight's plight and remains patient with her. Heck, the story could've almost been more about him instead of her.
Characterization is good on the whole, I would say, even though this is not the Twilight we are now familiar with.
The lesson at the end of it all is also good, even if the conflict is resolved too swiftly.
I'm feeling a decent to strong 7 on this.
This entry touched me.
...in a weird place. But not necessarily the wrong place!
I'm not sure if this is the best comedy I've read for this contest, since it basically hinges on one joke and sticks to it in a rather single-minded way, but I will say it's more consistent than my favorite, if not quite as satisfying.
It gets pretty close, though. The relationship stuff between Cadance and Shining is pretty damn good; it's cute and a little sexual without going overboard in either direction. You can tell they love each other, and have been together for a long time now, but they're still two ponies who desperately one want to bang each other at some point.
Come to think of it, this is the only romantic pairing I've bought into so far, and it just so happens to also be canon.
As for the joke, which this entry relies on so heavily, it works well. It didn't make me laugh out loud, but it almost got there; it made me laugh internally, if that makes any sense.
The ending and dramatic (but actually comedic) irony leading up it were both delicious.
And also very saucy.
I'm feeling a strong 8 to a light 9 on this.
...in a weird place. But not necessarily the wrong place!
I'm not sure if this is the best comedy I've read for this contest, since it basically hinges on one joke and sticks to it in a rather single-minded way, but I will say it's more consistent than my favorite, if not quite as satisfying.
It gets pretty close, though. The relationship stuff between Cadance and Shining is pretty damn good; it's cute and a little sexual without going overboard in either direction. You can tell they love each other, and have been together for a long time now, but they're still two ponies who desperately one want to bang each other at some point.
Come to think of it, this is the only romantic pairing I've bought into so far, and it just so happens to also be canon.
As for the joke, which this entry relies on so heavily, it works well. It didn't make me laugh out loud, but it almost got there; it made me laugh internally, if that makes any sense.
The ending and dramatic (but actually comedic) irony leading up it were both delicious.
And also very saucy.
I'm feeling a strong 8 to a light 9 on this.
Genre: Disappointment
Thoughts: Much of the story is spent showing or talking about Sunburst's implosion through the lens of a really interesting dynamic between Cherry and Sunburst. It's all very well executed, right down to the bummer ending; no that's not intrinsically satisfying, but it makes me want to read and know more about their friendship/relationship, and about where Sunburst goes from here. Props for the feels and the hook here. I only wish there was more.
I'm not going to ding this for incompleteness. I'd argue that it's already pretty complete. Sunburst is a good guy who struggles to reconcile the stuff happening inside and outside of his head, and the missed connection with Cherry at the end is endemic of it. Maybe she could be a good friend and emotional support through a devastating time, but he can't see it; he can't stick around to open himself up to it. He can't even face the grades he knows are coming without a nudge.
Argh, I can relate to more of this than I wish I could.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: Much of the story is spent showing or talking about Sunburst's implosion through the lens of a really interesting dynamic between Cherry and Sunburst. It's all very well executed, right down to the bummer ending; no that's not intrinsically satisfying, but it makes me want to read and know more about their friendship/relationship, and about where Sunburst goes from here. Props for the feels and the hook here. I only wish there was more.
I'm not going to ding this for incompleteness. I'd argue that it's already pretty complete. Sunburst is a good guy who struggles to reconcile the stuff happening inside and outside of his head, and the missed connection with Cherry at the end is endemic of it. Maybe she could be a good friend and emotional support through a devastating time, but he can't see it; he can't stick around to open himself up to it. He can't even face the grades he knows are coming without a nudge.
Argh, I can relate to more of this than I wish I could.
Tier: Strong
>>Trick_Question
>>No_Raisin
>>Moosetasm
I thought of it as Sunset lying about what the minimum is. Because her personal minimum is an A, so she feels like it is a failure, a slap in the face to her hard work. This line from the first section is what led me to this:
>>No_Raisin
>>Moosetasm
I thought of it as Sunset lying about what the minimum is. Because her personal minimum is an A, so she feels like it is a failure, a slap in the face to her hard work. This line from the first section is what led me to this:
you were top of the class, Sunset. By some margin.
Well, I liked it. It does have some shaky spots, sure, but I liked it. And I'm not normally one for poetry.
That was fucked up, if you stop to think about it, but also very funny.
Funny in kind of an internal way, not so much external. I didn't laugh, but I really wanted to.
I like how you can read this story without any knowledge of the show and still appreciate it to a great degree, but knowing the show and how griffons usually behave certainly enhances the experience.
I love the title. It's like a perfect short story title in that it's concise but conveys more than one meaning. Great.
The prose is also pretty solid, although there are a few word choices that made me pause. I think I'm also lighter on this area because it's a comedy, and because there's not really any proofreading I would honestly recommend.
Griswielda is a fully formed character in the short time we spend with her, and she is both a scoundrel and also someone you kinda wanna see get away with everything, even though you know she probably won't.
I feel like the ending could've hit harder, but it was done competently, and I didn't feel cheated or anything.
I'm feeling a strong 8 to a very light 9 on this.
Funny in kind of an internal way, not so much external. I didn't laugh, but I really wanted to.
I like how you can read this story without any knowledge of the show and still appreciate it to a great degree, but knowing the show and how griffons usually behave certainly enhances the experience.
I love the title. It's like a perfect short story title in that it's concise but conveys more than one meaning. Great.
The prose is also pretty solid, although there are a few word choices that made me pause. I think I'm also lighter on this area because it's a comedy, and because there's not really any proofreading I would honestly recommend.
Griswielda is a fully formed character in the short time we spend with her, and she is both a scoundrel and also someone you kinda wanna see get away with everything, even though you know she probably won't.
I feel like the ending could've hit harder, but it was done competently, and I didn't feel cheated or anything.
I'm feeling a strong 8 to a very light 9 on this.
So... I guess I'm the only one that doesn't get the "Professor Feghoof" thing...
Anyway, this was way too relatable, and I loved it. Nice job, author.
Anyway, this was way too relatable, and I loved it. Nice job, author.
I think I saw the name Feghoof used in another story as an instructor in Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns in this same contest. Parallel thinking is parallel.
My last review for this roster of entries, and...
This one is good.
Not great, but it has some really good elements and plays with them in a satisfying way, at least for the most part.
I've been curious about alchemists in Equestria, and how they would have lived in a world where all three tribes already possess magic of some form. They're basically scientists here, which is funny because alchemy played a big part in the development of modern science, outdated as it is now.
I realized fairly early on what the twist was going to be, and who exactly they were creating. In hindsight I should have guessed from the very beginning, but I guess I was too caught up in the story.
At first I thought this was going to be a comedy, as there were some lines early on there were chuckle-worthy, but then the tone shifted to full-on grimdark and I justdon'tknowwhatwentwrong.jpg. To be honest I felt like the comedic bits worked better than the grimdark bits, but maybe that's because I read the former first.
I also find it hard to believe that Discord would be in this kind of murderous mood, even though I saw it coming anyway. Discord is a trickster, like Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream; he's not Barry the Chopper (lol), even if we're being flexible with his characterization and assume he's darker than the show makes him out to be.
On the whole though I quite enjoyed this entry, and there are certainly worse ways to go out with this contest.
I'm feeling a light to decent 8 on this.
And that's a wrap.
That's it.
Leave me alone, okay? I haven't eaten anything in three days and I'm hungry.
I need a vacation from my vacation.
This one is good.
Not great, but it has some really good elements and plays with them in a satisfying way, at least for the most part.
I've been curious about alchemists in Equestria, and how they would have lived in a world where all three tribes already possess magic of some form. They're basically scientists here, which is funny because alchemy played a big part in the development of modern science, outdated as it is now.
I realized fairly early on what the twist was going to be, and who exactly they were creating. In hindsight I should have guessed from the very beginning, but I guess I was too caught up in the story.
At first I thought this was going to be a comedy, as there were some lines early on there were chuckle-worthy, but then the tone shifted to full-on grimdark and I justdon'tknowwhatwentwrong.jpg. To be honest I felt like the comedic bits worked better than the grimdark bits, but maybe that's because I read the former first.
I also find it hard to believe that Discord would be in this kind of murderous mood, even though I saw it coming anyway. Discord is a trickster, like Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream; he's not Barry the Chopper (lol), even if we're being flexible with his characterization and assume he's darker than the show makes him out to be.
On the whole though I quite enjoyed this entry, and there are certainly worse ways to go out with this contest.
I'm feeling a light to decent 8 on this.
And that's a wrap.
That's it.
Leave me alone, okay? I haven't eaten anything in three days and I'm hungry.
I need a vacation from my vacation.
Wonderful fable, however, I get the feeling that something is missing. That the end was on the rushed side. Regardless, still top-tier work.
>>DumpsterDweller Quick response, because I keep forgetting to say this:
It's always been my experience that writeoff entries often subvert the obvious interpretations of prompts. I've only read one (1) entry so far, but I don't doubt that there's a pretty wide spectrum of stories.
It's always been my experience that writeoff entries often subvert the obvious interpretations of prompts. I've only read one (1) entry so far, but I don't doubt that there's a pretty wide spectrum of stories.
Man, there are some names active this round that I haven't seen in a while. I kinda regret being out at a cabin without internet or cellular reception all weekend. :(
Here I am again, back for more reviewing! Now let's go kick some literary butt!
This one really just plays one card, but it is an effective card, so I'll sport it that. The writing is excellent and the ironic clash between the content and the tone results in some subtle horror concerning how this company is so desensitized to its own cruelty. While it doesn't throw any major surprises my way, it at least progresses naturally and covers the major beats with flair. I'm going to rank it highly for such impeccable style.
I am, however, gonna have to interpret it as Alternate Universe. It's just so dark that I can't square it at all with the Equestria we know in the show.
My main criticism is that the company's so obviously evil that, halfway through, there's really no creepy ambiguity whatsoever which might give this some additional heft. It just becomes obviously wrong ponies continuing to be obviously wrong. There's no indication of humanity (equinity?) in this company, not even a subtle one, so it closes off any spine-tingling feeling that this could actually happen. Style goes a long way to compensating for this, but it doesn't go all the way, and I'm not surprised it lost a few people, judging from the comments.
Upper tier, for me. Possibly a strong contender, solely because this writer has flair.
This one really just plays one card, but it is an effective card, so I'll sport it that. The writing is excellent and the ironic clash between the content and the tone results in some subtle horror concerning how this company is so desensitized to its own cruelty. While it doesn't throw any major surprises my way, it at least progresses naturally and covers the major beats with flair. I'm going to rank it highly for such impeccable style.
I am, however, gonna have to interpret it as Alternate Universe. It's just so dark that I can't square it at all with the Equestria we know in the show.
My main criticism is that the company's so obviously evil that, halfway through, there's really no creepy ambiguity whatsoever which might give this some additional heft. It just becomes obviously wrong ponies continuing to be obviously wrong. There's no indication of humanity (equinity?) in this company, not even a subtle one, so it closes off any spine-tingling feeling that this could actually happen. Style goes a long way to compensating for this, but it doesn't go all the way, and I'm not surprised it lost a few people, judging from the comments.
Upper tier, for me. Possibly a strong contender, solely because this writer has flair.
I like the hyperbole in Commander Wind Shear. A drill sergeant nasty (see TVTropes for description, if you don't already know), merely in charge of the weather team? Sold! Raindrops making a stupidly hilarious error all over the poor picnicking family? Sold! And it's kind of funny how she keeps being distracted by the stallion. Maybe I'll buy that too...
But it fizzles out after a while, and the fun dies down with it. Who is this stallion? My imagination kept delaying it because I was waiting for the namedrop so I could picture his face, but it never came, and the text really didn't do anything interesting with him (he's basically a device to make Raindrops muck things up; I don't have a clue who he is as a character, which made me lukewarm towards his antics at best). And the fic doesn't so much end on a punchline as it just goes over and over these themes and then finally stop. The flair in the scenario and in the writing runs out about halfway through.
I'll call it a near-solid entry, not a solid one, because it did start very well and Wind Shear versus Raindrops is a lot of fun. I wish it had maintained that quality throughout, though. Maybe if anything actually developed, or if some new twist was introduced to keep it fresh later on, or at least we had any idea what she saw in that stallion, it would jump up a rank.
But it fizzles out after a while, and the fun dies down with it. Who is this stallion? My imagination kept delaying it because I was waiting for the namedrop so I could picture his face, but it never came, and the text really didn't do anything interesting with him (he's basically a device to make Raindrops muck things up; I don't have a clue who he is as a character, which made me lukewarm towards his antics at best). And the fic doesn't so much end on a punchline as it just goes over and over these themes and then finally stop. The flair in the scenario and in the writing runs out about halfway through.
I'll call it a near-solid entry, not a solid one, because it did start very well and Wind Shear versus Raindrops is a lot of fun. I wish it had maintained that quality throughout, though. Maybe if anything actually developed, or if some new twist was introduced to keep it fresh later on, or at least we had any idea what she saw in that stallion, it would jump up a rank.
What I must say is: the idea of converting the humans into ponies is a good one, and the relationship between Sci-Twi and Shimmer is believable. Otherwise, the most I can say about this fic is that it's fine. The characterization is fine. The comedy is fine. The development - if a bit slow, because I would've preferred to get to the punchline faster - is otherwise fine.
Fine is a problem here because, like the others say, there no sense of flavor. Not enough absurdity or character oddness, not enough clashes between people or any fuller capitalization on the comedic possibilities of the experiment. For me, the fic only fully comes alive when we realize what's going on, and I think you could have put in more about what happened next.
I realize this is vague and global, but that was my impression of the story. It didn't have the punch or distinctive quirks of other fics, so it feels sort of forgettable, and a fic about turning the humans into ponies should not be that. I'll call it mid-tier, but I hope at least this feedback gives you an idea of where to look if you want to spruce something like this up in future.
Fine is a problem here because, like the others say, there no sense of flavor. Not enough absurdity or character oddness, not enough clashes between people or any fuller capitalization on the comedic possibilities of the experiment. For me, the fic only fully comes alive when we realize what's going on, and I think you could have put in more about what happened next.
I realize this is vague and global, but that was my impression of the story. It didn't have the punch or distinctive quirks of other fics, so it feels sort of forgettable, and a fic about turning the humans into ponies should not be that. I'll call it mid-tier, but I hope at least this feedback gives you an idea of where to look if you want to spruce something like this up in future.
This starts out very telly from Twilight's perspective. I think it would be much better to begin with Twilight finding the school missing and omit the initial part entirely. Don't tell us how Twilight is, show us.
I don't get the ending at all.
I don't get the ending at all.
Holy crap, this is head-thumpingly good character writing. Vinyl isn't how I picture her, but hey, interpretation's fair game, and this manic madcap musician reasoning her way to alicornhood is something I can get. I'll say I was stoked, good sir, stoked by that part of the story. Left me with a grin on my face, so it did.
Octavia functions very well here too as the calm foil, nicely tolerant and even somewhat dismissive. You've done a good job with the characters here, and I will give you a high ranking just for that, because that sort of thing is my jam.
Where it falls down for me is in the ending. The story might actually have been improved by keeping to the one scene and having the discussion go on about the ridiculousness of Vinyl's scheme. Just rushing to "she's an alicorn now, and Octavia needs a drink" feels kind of weak for me. Although the moment between Octavia and Celestia is a good hook for a comedic comparison, it's just sort of there. I felt it was a twist for the sake of a twist, or at least could have been more smoothly integrated into the fic we got.
I'd say solid entry, if maybe a bit on the low side. Similar to the Daring Do one, you just change the ending and you're good to go, as far as I'm concerned.
Octavia functions very well here too as the calm foil, nicely tolerant and even somewhat dismissive. You've done a good job with the characters here, and I will give you a high ranking just for that, because that sort of thing is my jam.
Where it falls down for me is in the ending. The story might actually have been improved by keeping to the one scene and having the discussion go on about the ridiculousness of Vinyl's scheme. Just rushing to "she's an alicorn now, and Octavia needs a drink" feels kind of weak for me. Although the moment between Octavia and Celestia is a good hook for a comedic comparison, it's just sort of there. I felt it was a twist for the sake of a twist, or at least could have been more smoothly integrated into the fic we got.
I'd say solid entry, if maybe a bit on the low side. Similar to the Daring Do one, you just change the ending and you're good to go, as far as I'm concerned.
In all honesty, I'm not a fan of gross humour. And, Neighponese worldbuilding aside, that's all I seem to get out of this fic. It relies on me finding it funny that Celestia vomited on someone, and just typing that out, I feel wrong.
Scales and balances: I'll fully admit I might be missing something, like a subtle theme or good comedic construction. I don't not see the latter, if you get what I mean. It builds up to the moment of shame with craftsmanship. Certainly, the rest of the fic seems mostly smooth in the writing, and the note about the good-natured diplomacy over the disaster is at least a pleasant one in and of itself. But all I can think of after reading is that the whole thing is basically an excuse for some non-insightful gross humour, and if a fic has no thematic or worldbuilding substance strong enough to alleviate that, it's a problem for me.
If I don't rate this one low, I might abstain from it. I want to be helpful in this review, if nothing else, but I doubt I can add much more to what other commenters have already said. I'm sorry, amigo. :(
Scales and balances: I'll fully admit I might be missing something, like a subtle theme or good comedic construction. I don't not see the latter, if you get what I mean. It builds up to the moment of shame with craftsmanship. Certainly, the rest of the fic seems mostly smooth in the writing, and the note about the good-natured diplomacy over the disaster is at least a pleasant one in and of itself. But all I can think of after reading is that the whole thing is basically an excuse for some non-insightful gross humour, and if a fic has no thematic or worldbuilding substance strong enough to alleviate that, it's a problem for me.
If I don't rate this one low, I might abstain from it. I want to be helpful in this review, if nothing else, but I doubt I can add much more to what other commenters have already said. I'm sorry, amigo. :(
Alas, this is another "tee-hee" tale which just so happens to not be a genre I care for. I'll grant you the characterization is careful in balancing those elements that >>No_Raisin describes, and the joke does build up to the payoff appropriately. If I were to provide any technical advice, it might be to pick up the pace a bit and maybe make more room for the payoff's fallout (the eyes widening is a bit of a vague reaction for me to read), but maybe that's just me being clueless.
That said, I might as well fly my flag: I don't care about romance. So I sure don't care much for erotic humour. Don't get me wrong, I see why the joke with the hot sauce and the subtle hint of EqG meat-eating works. It's just I see it in the same way that, say, I see a bird enjoying a bird table full of seeds; I get the abstract reasoning for their species preference without in any way connecting emotionally with that preference.
The characterization is competently executed, but it's also much too nice and much too pleasant for me, like milk in place of spice. There's no flaw, no edge, no likeable off element for me to sling my hook onto and grin at. So without a quirky, distinctive character to root for or much worldbuilding beyond the joke, it just comes back to whether you like the romantic-comedic. Since I don't, I rapidly run out of any reason to come back for more.
Again, I'm trying to be constructive, and ultimately for something clearly not written for my tastes anyway. Ah well. Take it as you will. Apologies: I can't match the other reviewers, and this is ultimately a subjective thing. I suppose I'll have to abstain, or else this'll place low on my slate.
That said, I might as well fly my flag: I don't care about romance. So I sure don't care much for erotic humour. Don't get me wrong, I see why the joke with the hot sauce and the subtle hint of EqG meat-eating works. It's just I see it in the same way that, say, I see a bird enjoying a bird table full of seeds; I get the abstract reasoning for their species preference without in any way connecting emotionally with that preference.
The characterization is competently executed, but it's also much too nice and much too pleasant for me, like milk in place of spice. There's no flaw, no edge, no likeable off element for me to sling my hook onto and grin at. So without a quirky, distinctive character to root for or much worldbuilding beyond the joke, it just comes back to whether you like the romantic-comedic. Since I don't, I rapidly run out of any reason to come back for more.
Again, I'm trying to be constructive, and ultimately for something clearly not written for my tastes anyway. Ah well. Take it as you will. Apologies: I can't match the other reviewers, and this is ultimately a subjective thing. I suppose I'll have to abstain, or else this'll place low on my slate.
OK, first things first: is Chrome really Rainbow Dash, and Spark is Twilight Sparkle? The names seem to be clues, but that's gonna bug me all day.
I don't mind the sci-fi angle, and how the "space is big" bit leads to the realization that Chrome is doomed because the odds are so low anyone will pick them up. Having shoved that point out there, I'll reiterate what everyone else has said, in my own impeccable style. ;D
See, you clearly seem to know what's going on and how the technology works and where all this is happening. But the technical terms, so confidently placed in the story, don't come with automatic map references for the audience. We get lost. Just take the opening paragraphs, for a kick-off.
The second one I came the closest to understanding, because the spacewalk and looking down from the hull of the ship calls up some definite imagery I can cling to, so I can imagine Chrome walking on the ship with, I dunno, magneboots or something. The first one throws us "rapid trans-dimensional teleportation", which isn't too hard to parse, but then talks about a "system hop". Wait, is that the system used for teleporting people, or a star system which you actually travel or "hop" across? I've been taught to treat teleportation as practically instantaneous, so I struggle to imagine it taking weeks. But then if it's not related to teleporting, what is a system hop and why does it take weeks when there's rapid teleportation handy? Then you're jumping into a new image about looking out from a viewing platform into the vastness of space, but I'm still trying to make sense of the previous concepts, and I briefly wonder if a "viewing platform" is what you stand on to start teleporting across a system...
You get what I'm trying to convey? The fic throws all these loosely related items at us, but we're trying to piece them together all along to make sense of them, and when they don't obviously or instinctively or naturally fit together for a smooth comprehensive reading, it gets my goat. And then we get to things like the Cosmic Ray, and I flat-out spend a while imagining a big ray gun because you know something but haven't told me what the damn thing is yet.
The whole fic is like that. I like the final tragic moment of an engineer seeking solace in an AI's company, but for me it's too little too late. I don't want to be harsh on this fic, and I think you just need to slow down and help us grab the basics - risk treating us as dummies, so long as we can at least understand what's happening. Otherwise, I really want to like the elements I do understand, and I kind of do have a soft spot for sci-fi. It's just not fun to feel like you're having to play guessing games all too often.
Hopefully, you can dig up some useful gems of advice out of this mountain of verbiage. I'm not trying to do you down. I just want to convey my frustration for feedback purposes, ye ken?
I don't mind the sci-fi angle, and how the "space is big" bit leads to the realization that Chrome is doomed because the odds are so low anyone will pick them up. Having shoved that point out there, I'll reiterate what everyone else has said, in my own impeccable style. ;D
See, you clearly seem to know what's going on and how the technology works and where all this is happening. But the technical terms, so confidently placed in the story, don't come with automatic map references for the audience. We get lost. Just take the opening paragraphs, for a kick-off.
The second one I came the closest to understanding, because the spacewalk and looking down from the hull of the ship calls up some definite imagery I can cling to, so I can imagine Chrome walking on the ship with, I dunno, magneboots or something. The first one throws us "rapid trans-dimensional teleportation", which isn't too hard to parse, but then talks about a "system hop". Wait, is that the system used for teleporting people, or a star system which you actually travel or "hop" across? I've been taught to treat teleportation as practically instantaneous, so I struggle to imagine it taking weeks. But then if it's not related to teleporting, what is a system hop and why does it take weeks when there's rapid teleportation handy? Then you're jumping into a new image about looking out from a viewing platform into the vastness of space, but I'm still trying to make sense of the previous concepts, and I briefly wonder if a "viewing platform" is what you stand on to start teleporting across a system...
You get what I'm trying to convey? The fic throws all these loosely related items at us, but we're trying to piece them together all along to make sense of them, and when they don't obviously or instinctively or naturally fit together for a smooth comprehensive reading, it gets my goat. And then we get to things like the Cosmic Ray, and I flat-out spend a while imagining a big ray gun because you know something but haven't told me what the damn thing is yet.
The whole fic is like that. I like the final tragic moment of an engineer seeking solace in an AI's company, but for me it's too little too late. I don't want to be harsh on this fic, and I think you just need to slow down and help us grab the basics - risk treating us as dummies, so long as we can at least understand what's happening. Otherwise, I really want to like the elements I do understand, and I kind of do have a soft spot for sci-fi. It's just not fun to feel like you're having to play guessing games all too often.
Hopefully, you can dig up some useful gems of advice out of this mountain of verbiage. I'm not trying to do you down. I just want to convey my frustration for feedback purposes, ye ken?
Ow. Ow. Ow. I don't even know what to feel right now.
I think Miller Minus has some good points, but apart from that I have no suggestions.
I think Miller Minus has some good points, but apart from that I have no suggestions.
What >>Miller Minus said. I'll add that Twilight's non-surprise at Rarity's pegasussitude briefly misled me into thinking this was an Alternate Universe. If it's the result of a spell gone wrong, there ought to be some surprise there. Some comedic surprise, I grant you, but surprise nonetheless.
I think I'll also add a possibility here. Maybe in this, there's a hint as to how this could be improved? It at least could be something for you to think about.
So fair enough, there is a modicum of cleverness here. The reason for performing the spell makes sense, and the Apple pun is well-constructed. But the two don't gel for me, and as a result both are extremely undernourished in practice. The idea of the main characters switching roles on the one hand, and the computer-related wordplay on the other, are two elements that I don't think mix very well.
You see, the first part serves a show-friendly premise, which opens the door for exploration of the concept of switching... races, species, tribes, however you describe the distinctions. But the second part is basically an in-joke for computer peeps. Clever wordplay and references, sure, but then it'd probably be stronger if the whole fic just went for broke and was a series of increasingly ludicrous computer puns, a dazzling kaleidoscope of sheer verbal playfulness.
But here's the thing: They're functionally unrelated, whereas here you're making them relate, and I find it awkward to watch. The result is a premise that feels like you're rushing past the comedic potential or any kind of exploratory interest just to deliver a belaboured punchline that's tonally a 180. I mean, there's not even a hint about computers beforehand.
Perhaps dedicating the fic more wholeheartedly one way or the other, instead of making two underdeveloped concepts clash, would have served this better?
At least, that's my two cents. Up to you whether you want to pick them up or not; some people like this stuff, so it's probably just a matter of taste.
I think I'll also add a possibility here. Maybe in this, there's a hint as to how this could be improved? It at least could be something for you to think about.
So fair enough, there is a modicum of cleverness here. The reason for performing the spell makes sense, and the Apple pun is well-constructed. But the two don't gel for me, and as a result both are extremely undernourished in practice. The idea of the main characters switching roles on the one hand, and the computer-related wordplay on the other, are two elements that I don't think mix very well.
You see, the first part serves a show-friendly premise, which opens the door for exploration of the concept of switching... races, species, tribes, however you describe the distinctions. But the second part is basically an in-joke for computer peeps. Clever wordplay and references, sure, but then it'd probably be stronger if the whole fic just went for broke and was a series of increasingly ludicrous computer puns, a dazzling kaleidoscope of sheer verbal playfulness.
But here's the thing: They're functionally unrelated, whereas here you're making them relate, and I find it awkward to watch. The result is a premise that feels like you're rushing past the comedic potential or any kind of exploratory interest just to deliver a belaboured punchline that's tonally a 180. I mean, there's not even a hint about computers beforehand.
Perhaps dedicating the fic more wholeheartedly one way or the other, instead of making two underdeveloped concepts clash, would have served this better?
At least, that's my two cents. Up to you whether you want to pick them up or not; some people like this stuff, so it's probably just a matter of taste.
Without the poetry gimmick this wouldn't be much of a story. It's a retelling of events from the show from Chryssi's perspective, but there isn't enough new material to make it very original. It needs more content. However, this is about as long as a poem of this sort can get without becoming annoying, so I wouldn't suggest lengthening it; I'd try to revise it to remove and reframe all those parts the audience already knows about.
I don't get the feghoot. Clearly "rains" refers to "reigns" but I can't figure out the rest. Reigns over some black doors? When something rides the clouds?
I fear you're too clever for your own good.
The capital S in the first Sparglim is missing italics.
I fear you're too clever for your own good.
The capital S in the first Sparglim is missing italics.
That last "Where" should be "Were".
This is a nice slice of life. I'd have liked it better if Luna had interacted with Push more, however. It feels like Push just got put in her place and didn't learn anything from the experience.
This is a nice slice of life. I'd have liked it better if Luna had interacted with Push more, however. It feels like Push just got put in her place and didn't learn anything from the experience.
>>MLPmatthewl419
It was one of the entries for the prompts this time. I kinda wanted it to go through but then we would only have comedy stories this time around :/
It was also talked about in the discord. It means that you make a story all to set up a pun at the end, like A Little Shortcut did. Its a comedy thing and was very out of left field. Its fine if you didn't get it (I had to look it up lol) ;)
It was one of the entries for the prompts this time. I kinda wanted it to go through but then we would only have comedy stories this time around :/
It was also talked about in the discord. It means that you make a story all to set up a pun at the end, like A Little Shortcut did. Its a comedy thing and was very out of left field. Its fine if you didn't get it (I had to look it up lol) ;)
Oh gods, I don't know if I can review all of these. There's just so many, and I'm struggling to make my points without exploding into long reviews. It's very discouraging.
At the very least, I think I'll take a break for now. I'm mentally exhausted.
At the very least, I think I'll take a break for now. I'm mentally exhausted.
The word "grimacing" needs a comma preface.
The last line shifts to present tense for no obvious reason.
I'm concerned about Twilight drinking this much alcohol. You need to at least lampshade it by implying she can't kill herself with liquor because she's an alicorn or something. Celestia seems not to care in the slightest.
The last line shifts to present tense for no obvious reason.
I'm concerned about Twilight drinking this much alcohol. You need to at least lampshade it by implying she can't kill herself with liquor because she's an alicorn or something. Celestia seems not to care in the slightest.
This is nice. I thought it would feel overlong as a poem but there's enough of a story (and message!) in there to make it worth the trip.
You sometimes go off syllable count on the last line. A couple of examples:
Drop the "a", or else change it to "norm'ly".
Try "often" instead.
There are some other examples but you can proof them yourself.
You sometimes go off syllable count on the last line. A couple of examples:
He’d normally give a wider berth.
Drop the "a", or else change it to "norm'ly".
Whose presence usually passed him by.
Try "often" instead.
There are some other examples but you can proof them yourself.
This is cute, though I'm left more than a little concerned for Daring's physical health. If I were writing this I'd dial it back a notch. Her character isn't supposed to be on-the-edge-of-death feeble.
What does this have to do with ponies, exactly? I don't understand how this connects to the show at all. I'm also left wondering who these undeveloped characters are and why I should care about them.
Neither one of these characters sounds like Celestia or Luna.
I don't understand what happened at the end of the story.
I don't understand what happened at the end of the story.
This story needs to decide whether it's about Sunburst or about Cherry. Currently it starts with one and ends with the other.
Don't name the guy Feghoof. I thought the story was going to be a feghoot, and it literally made me wince.
Don't name the guy Feghoof. I thought the story was going to be a feghoot, and it literally made me wince.
>>BlueChameleonVI
Ya, don't burn out on 'em man. :/ It's fabulous having more people doing more reviews, not to mention all the submissions. But you gotta keep it fun.
Ya, don't burn out on 'em man. :/ It's fabulous having more people doing more reviews, not to mention all the submissions. But you gotta keep it fun.
I'm with >>No_Raisin on this: "funny, but not exactly good" is right where I fall with the story.
The thing is, this is a really obvious story. From the moment Starlight cuts Twi off, all the remaining beats are totally expected. Now, you can tell a story where the audience knows exactly what's going to happen, but you need some other hook; an attachment to the characters, say. But because this is character-destruction comedy, I don't have any investment in the characters. So all I'm left with is a few chuckles, which is... well, it's fine, and to be honest, this is probably going in the top half of my slate (I'm not very happy with the way my slate looks right now; there's one story that's clearly up at the top, two stories clearly at the bottom, and the nine currently in the middle are all stories I'd rate between a 4 and 6 on a 1-10 scale, yet one of them's getting second and one's getting tenth. Ack!), but it's just another insubstantial jokefic at the end of the day.
Which is fine! Write insubstantial jokefics, and don't let anyone tell you not to! I'm just explaining why I can't muster more than a "well, I guess it had some funny lines" by way of reaction.
The thing is, this is a really obvious story. From the moment Starlight cuts Twi off, all the remaining beats are totally expected. Now, you can tell a story where the audience knows exactly what's going to happen, but you need some other hook; an attachment to the characters, say. But because this is character-destruction comedy, I don't have any investment in the characters. So all I'm left with is a few chuckles, which is... well, it's fine, and to be honest, this is probably going in the top half of my slate (I'm not very happy with the way my slate looks right now; there's one story that's clearly up at the top, two stories clearly at the bottom, and the nine currently in the middle are all stories I'd rate between a 4 and 6 on a 1-10 scale, yet one of them's getting second and one's getting tenth. Ack!), but it's just another insubstantial jokefic at the end of the day.
Which is fine! Write insubstantial jokefics, and don't let anyone tell you not to! I'm just explaining why I can't muster more than a "well, I guess it had some funny lines" by way of reaction.
I liked that Spike's mood was explored primarily through his lack of physical sensation, rather than both being explicitly discussed. There's a very male-expectations-of-reserve poignancy that the emphasis on not feeling gives the whole story, and I would hate to lose that by trying to bring out more of the internal conflict (or rather, to bring it out directly, rather than holding to the metaphor of his sense of touch). A very solid entry.
The body-horror-humor is definitely on point. I managed to chuckle and cringe at the blobby bones bit, and as FOME said, the soul-loss bit was excellent as well. As a whole though, I have to agree with the others that the ending didn't sit well with me, but I think I had different reasons. Basically, since neither character seems to grow or learn anything from this experience, it makes the rest of the story feel like it didn't matter. While the whole memory stone thing is a neat call-back to Daring's initial doubts regarding safety/security, I personally think it ends up detracting from the experience as a whole.
I personally kind of bounced off of this one. I get that you're trying to tease a reveal, but I felt that the build-up was slow and without a strong hook. Grabbing your reader's attention early on is super important with minifics, because the reader knows in the back of his head that things are going to be wrapping up in one or two dozen paragraphs. So the fact that most of this fic by design spends its time dancing around a reveal felt kind of frustrating to me. I'd suggest threading in some interesting tidbits or more jokes into the main body of the story to keep the reader on the hook until the reveal.
I liked this very, very much. It feels fun and silly without ever becoming absurd, which made it easy to laugh along with the jokes. And the ending is just brilliant. It says a lot about Griswielda that she basks in her newly-gained material wealth even while she knows she's kinda screwed. Nice character development!
This is kind of cute, but too sad for me to get any comedy from it. You picked the most pathetic character possible and I just end up feeling bad for her at the end. :fluttershysad:
I like this, despite the dramatic irony. It has character. My only complaint is that it feels more like an intro into a longer piece than a self-contained story, because the ending is really only the beginning of the action the audience is being promised.
I don't think adding on the Fluttershy interaction at the end makes this story better. It makes it feel incomplete, rather. Rather than have this be a diary, I would tell this story like a normal story from Starlight's perspective. It has a beginning, a middle, and an end, with a strong arc and good characterization—there's no need to do it through a layer of diary. That takes away the audience's attention from what makes this piece good.
The story is well-told, but the ending is rather weak. Maybe more time could be spent creating a touching moment with Luna.
Somehow I completely missed the point that Spike has trouble physically feeling things on my first read-through. I admit that I can be a pretty dumb reader, but I just wanted to report that as another data point for you to consider.
When I actually understood what was going on, I found this to be a very creative take on Spike being different from ponies. Nice work with character selection!
One thing that I would like to point out, though, is that the handful of paragraphs in the middle that deal with the "backstory" felt weaker than the rest to me. The "flammable food allergies" thing feels too comedic, in that I can easily see it as a gag on the show. This doesn't mesh well with the more thoughtful tone that the rest of the story follows. I'd suggest maybe exploring a more understated reason for why Spike is making Rarity a new handkerchief. I personally think that making the backstory so much of a big deal hurts the focus on what Spike is going through right now.
When I actually understood what was going on, I found this to be a very creative take on Spike being different from ponies. Nice work with character selection!
One thing that I would like to point out, though, is that the handful of paragraphs in the middle that deal with the "backstory" felt weaker than the rest to me. The "flammable food allergies" thing feels too comedic, in that I can easily see it as a gag on the show. This doesn't mesh well with the more thoughtful tone that the rest of the story follows. I'd suggest maybe exploring a more understated reason for why Spike is making Rarity a new handkerchief. I personally think that making the backstory so much of a big deal hurts the focus on what Spike is going through right now.
This is a very well-assembled story that fits the minific format like a glove. The pacing is spot-on and the dialogue reads smoothly. But I'm afraid that as a comedy, things just didn't quite coalesce for me.
Dead honest, I felt like I've read this story before. That being said, I was around back when Epic Wub Time was the fandom's biblical text on Vinyl's characterization and when the post-S3 "everypony is now an alicorn" meme was at its strongest. So I acknowledge that I might have a different perspective than today's typical reader of pony words.
But just to give you my perspective, I had trouble with the jokes because they felt really familiar to me. Surprise is a big element of comedy, and I, personally, felt that I knew where and how this was going to end up. I'm sorry to have to drop such a dud of a review, but I do realize that this is almost entirely subjective so I'm going to take that into consideration while scoring this one.
Dead honest, I felt like I've read this story before. That being said, I was around back when Epic Wub Time was the fandom's biblical text on Vinyl's characterization and when the post-S3 "everypony is now an alicorn" meme was at its strongest. So I acknowledge that I might have a different perspective than today's typical reader of pony words.
But just to give you my perspective, I had trouble with the jokes because they felt really familiar to me. Surprise is a big element of comedy, and I, personally, felt that I knew where and how this was going to end up. I'm sorry to have to drop such a dud of a review, but I do realize that this is almost entirely subjective so I'm going to take that into consideration while scoring this one.
works better as a teaser trailer than a twist...
for a twist story, you need to build up an understanding in the audience's mind. this doesn't necessarily mean foreshadowing, or something fantastical (a slice of life setup can work fine) but it needs to focus on something. that's where this falls short; it's not focusing on any one thing, and each of the mini-scenes are rather typical of Ponyville. "everything's normal.... except NOT!" Notice how none of the characters even seem aware that Twilight or her castle are missing?
as an example (which would change this into a different story unfortunately), the main thing everyone's noticing here is the annoying narrator, guiding us like an invisible omniscient camera: "look here, look here, look over here." This could actually become an interesting setup for subversion, by having the weird narrator (or perhaps the one being addressed, or both) actually be a relevant character important to the events. or something like that.
for a twist story, you need to build up an understanding in the audience's mind. this doesn't necessarily mean foreshadowing, or something fantastical (a slice of life setup can work fine) but it needs to focus on something. that's where this falls short; it's not focusing on any one thing, and each of the mini-scenes are rather typical of Ponyville. "everything's normal.... except NOT!" Notice how none of the characters even seem aware that Twilight or her castle are missing?
as an example (which would change this into a different story unfortunately), the main thing everyone's noticing here is the annoying narrator, guiding us like an invisible omniscient camera: "look here, look here, look over here." This could actually become an interesting setup for subversion, by having the weird narrator (or perhaps the one being addressed, or both) actually be a relevant character important to the events. or something like that.
This is the first (and probably only) time I'm redoing a review for this contest, so that's cool.
At some point I realized this was just a recap of the Canterlot Wedding, but from Chrysalis's perspective, who for some reason is telling it through rhyme. I don't know if this is is supposed to be a reference to This Day Aria, it might be, but this is a poem and not a song (at least I think so) so the connection is kind of missing.
Chrysalis also sounds British at times, which is weird. Her characterization here would be believable, if not for the fact that season 6 happened and we know she's not as forgiving as she seemed to be here.
Chrysalis is not the kind of person (changeling) to admit when she's made an error.
I suppose we get some extra info about the dynamic between her and her hoard, whom she regarded here as minions, appropriate enough, but I feel like my suspension of disbelief with her characterization is being pushed a bit too far.
The rhyming, now this is hard for me to judge, because it's actually more complex than the other poem in this contest, and I do like how the last lines of every stanza rhyme with each other, but the flow of all this is also kind of wonky and fractured. Just when I think I'm flowing with how I read this poem there's a suddenly aborted rhyme that messes everything up.
This poem could have been simpler and more banal than it is, though, so I appreciate the effort, now that I've been able to get over my intense bias against poetry entries. Took me two days, but better late than never I guess.
I'm feeling a strong 5 to a light 6 on this.
At some point I realized this was just a recap of the Canterlot Wedding, but from Chrysalis's perspective, who for some reason is telling it through rhyme. I don't know if this is is supposed to be a reference to This Day Aria, it might be, but this is a poem and not a song (at least I think so) so the connection is kind of missing.
Chrysalis also sounds British at times, which is weird. Her characterization here would be believable, if not for the fact that season 6 happened and we know she's not as forgiving as she seemed to be here.
Chrysalis is not the kind of person (changeling) to admit when she's made an error.
I suppose we get some extra info about the dynamic between her and her hoard, whom she regarded here as minions, appropriate enough, but I feel like my suspension of disbelief with her characterization is being pushed a bit too far.
The rhyming, now this is hard for me to judge, because it's actually more complex than the other poem in this contest, and I do like how the last lines of every stanza rhyme with each other, but the flow of all this is also kind of wonky and fractured. Just when I think I'm flowing with how I read this poem there's a suddenly aborted rhyme that messes everything up.
This poem could have been simpler and more banal than it is, though, so I appreciate the effort, now that I've been able to get over my intense bias against poetry entries. Took me two days, but better late than never I guess.
I'm feeling a strong 5 to a light 6 on this.
I always feel a bit uncomfortable with critiquing poetry because I honest-to-crap can't write it myself. But my two cents would be to focus on your meter. Managing the beat/stresses is just as important as syllable count and rhyme scheme, and it can really make the difference between getting completely engrossed in a poem or finding a reason to be pulled out of one every few stanzas. And while you do maintain a strong iambic beat for most of the poem, several lines just didn't feel right to me, and knocked me out of the flow. A few examples:
I know that there is a degree of subjectivity, but I read the bold/underscored lines as stressed, which threw off the iambic beat that virtually every other line followed.
As for the plot itself, I thought it was solid and serviceable, and I especially enjoyed the final line. But I can't help but feel that other than this moment, it never really takes advantage of the fact that it's a poem. Poetry is all about playing with the tight rules and making clever things happen despite the predictable cadence of the words. Maybe Only, Only, Only You and Only, Only, Only Me have spoiled me, but Quiet Thunder did read somewhat plainly to me.
Again, take everything I've written with a big helping of salt because I'm the kind of person who'd basically never try my hand at poetry. In the end, I think I like what you're going for, but I had trouble enjoying the ride along the way.
At Flight Camp, Thunderlane’s disgrace:
But everyone knows I’m the best.
First Flight Camp, then the weather team:
I know that there is a degree of subjectivity, but I read the bold/underscored lines as stressed, which threw off the iambic beat that virtually every other line followed.
As for the plot itself, I thought it was solid and serviceable, and I especially enjoyed the final line. But I can't help but feel that other than this moment, it never really takes advantage of the fact that it's a poem. Poetry is all about playing with the tight rules and making clever things happen despite the predictable cadence of the words. Maybe Only, Only, Only You and Only, Only, Only Me have spoiled me, but Quiet Thunder did read somewhat plainly to me.
Again, take everything I've written with a big helping of salt because I'm the kind of person who'd basically never try my hand at poetry. In the end, I think I like what you're going for, but I had trouble enjoying the ride along the way.
I notice I'm the only one blanking out whole sections of my comments. In case anyone's wondering what the hell I'm doing: I'm trying to discourage passersby from reading my comments before coming to their own conclusions. I think it's more impartial that way. I could be nuts, though.
Back to business...
Count me among the throng totally unconvinced that this was Pinkie Pie speaking. I'll sport the ambitious topic and the careful way the twins' own concerns and fears were handled, but for me it fell down utterly the moment the Big Pink opened her mouth to deliver An Aesop.
I do think skirting around the actual cause of the divorce, or at least having it be "the love ran out", weakens the impact. Talking about this thing at all demands a careful but nevertheless strong candidness, and it feels too often like Pinkie - and by extension, since she's the author's mouthpiece, the author - is avoiding some necessary material, or hasn't made up their minds about it, or just flat-out can't bring themselves to do it. It has a certain "eat your cake and have it" feel, and I think for something like this, you should just eat the cake and swallow it down, or leave it alone altogether. Trying to do half and half (tackle the divorce issue and then handwave a lot of it) weakens the apparent honesty of the piece and raises the question of why you're tackling this in the first place. There's only so much that phrases like "adults are weird" or "it's complicated" can manage.
I'm really trying not to make any strong claims here, since it is a ballsy move to write about divorce, but I do think the execution at present is vague enough to suggest a certain half-heartedness. This isn't just an issue of sticking to your guns; the setup feels canonically unlikely, and I wanted to know how we got from the cheerfully married couple in the show to this proposed state of affairs. Leaving a gap here exacerbates the problem.
Myself, I had no problem with the lead-in for the tale. Kids ask inconvenient questions, poke around: I'm game for that. It seems a fair enough way to lead into the meat of the topic.
Back to business...
Count me among the throng totally unconvinced that this was Pinkie Pie speaking. I'll sport the ambitious topic and the careful way the twins' own concerns and fears were handled, but for me it fell down utterly the moment the Big Pink opened her mouth to deliver An Aesop.
I do think skirting around the actual cause of the divorce, or at least having it be "the love ran out", weakens the impact. Talking about this thing at all demands a careful but nevertheless strong candidness, and it feels too often like Pinkie - and by extension, since she's the author's mouthpiece, the author - is avoiding some necessary material, or hasn't made up their minds about it, or just flat-out can't bring themselves to do it. It has a certain "eat your cake and have it" feel, and I think for something like this, you should just eat the cake and swallow it down, or leave it alone altogether. Trying to do half and half (tackle the divorce issue and then handwave a lot of it) weakens the apparent honesty of the piece and raises the question of why you're tackling this in the first place. There's only so much that phrases like "adults are weird" or "it's complicated" can manage.
I'm really trying not to make any strong claims here, since it is a ballsy move to write about divorce, but I do think the execution at present is vague enough to suggest a certain half-heartedness. This isn't just an issue of sticking to your guns; the setup feels canonically unlikely, and I wanted to know how we got from the cheerfully married couple in the show to this proposed state of affairs. Leaving a gap here exacerbates the problem.
Myself, I had no problem with the lead-in for the tale. Kids ask inconvenient questions, poke around: I'm game for that. It seems a fair enough way to lead into the meat of the topic.
I'm really not sure about this one. For instance, the opening letter grabs my attention because it throws me for a loop, but it soon becomes clear it's there as simple bait.
Pet peeve moment: Maybe I'm biased by my dislike of seeing explicit alcohol and drunkenness in an Equestrian setting, but this OOC, OTT letter really soured my attitude towards the rest of the fic. If you're talking about dying alone, let alone blaming someone for it, even to lead in to another subject, you'd better have a hell of a lot more gravitas than this. Dating issues are not gravitas. Seeing "bucking" used unironically didn't help matters, either. There isn't even any real need for this fic to read like it's trying for a Teen rating. It's like listening to a kid swear; they think it makes them sound adult and edgy, but it's really just embarrassing to watch and annoying to put up with. Kids, for Pete's sake don't do this.
OK, rant over.
On to the actual subject matter: I do like this idea that Twilight struggles to date because of her status. I'm with >>Zaid Val'Roa on that one. The talk at times is at least nice and pleasant, and rushed ending aside, I came away feeling the better for it. For the actual subject matter, I emphasize, and not for that opening. Sorry, it really did put me off.
I do have concerns about Spike posting the letter without Twilight's permission. I'm sure there are better ways for him to drag Celestia in than to break Twilight's trust and violate her privacy like that. Not forgetting the opening still sours a lot of the fic for me. This wouldn't be that hard to fix for me; have Spike write his own letter expressing his concern and what's going on. It'd feel more honest and wouldn't come across as "clickbait-like" misleading of the reader. After all, we've only got 750 words at most. We want to know what to think as early as possible, and the current opening scrambles the signal.
I do like "the minotaur in the room". Unlike "bucking", it's clever, it works with canon, and my reading eye rolled right over it all comfortable-like.
On another note, I approve of the whole "give it time" moral; this sort of thing does require adaptation, after all. But >>No_Raisin has a point about it feeling like it wraps up a little too neatly. If I were writing this, I'd possibly make the ending more pensive; we know troubling times are still up ahead, because this isn't something you resolve overnight. Especially given the apparent strength of feeling on display, that should be a point of emphasis.
Overall, an interesting read that's a bit teeth-on-edge off in certain respects for me.
Pet peeve moment: Maybe I'm biased by my dislike of seeing explicit alcohol and drunkenness in an Equestrian setting, but this OOC, OTT letter really soured my attitude towards the rest of the fic. If you're talking about dying alone, let alone blaming someone for it, even to lead in to another subject, you'd better have a hell of a lot more gravitas than this. Dating issues are not gravitas. Seeing "bucking" used unironically didn't help matters, either. There isn't even any real need for this fic to read like it's trying for a Teen rating. It's like listening to a kid swear; they think it makes them sound adult and edgy, but it's really just embarrassing to watch and annoying to put up with. Kids, for Pete's sake don't do this.
OK, rant over.
On to the actual subject matter: I do like this idea that Twilight struggles to date because of her status. I'm with >>Zaid Val'Roa on that one. The talk at times is at least nice and pleasant, and rushed ending aside, I came away feeling the better for it. For the actual subject matter, I emphasize, and not for that opening. Sorry, it really did put me off.
I do have concerns about Spike posting the letter without Twilight's permission. I'm sure there are better ways for him to drag Celestia in than to break Twilight's trust and violate her privacy like that. Not forgetting the opening still sours a lot of the fic for me. This wouldn't be that hard to fix for me; have Spike write his own letter expressing his concern and what's going on. It'd feel more honest and wouldn't come across as "clickbait-like" misleading of the reader. After all, we've only got 750 words at most. We want to know what to think as early as possible, and the current opening scrambles the signal.
I do like "the minotaur in the room". Unlike "bucking", it's clever, it works with canon, and my reading eye rolled right over it all comfortable-like.
On another note, I approve of the whole "give it time" moral; this sort of thing does require adaptation, after all. But >>No_Raisin has a point about it feeling like it wraps up a little too neatly. If I were writing this, I'd possibly make the ending more pensive; we know troubling times are still up ahead, because this isn't something you resolve overnight. Especially given the apparent strength of feeling on display, that should be a point of emphasis.
Overall, an interesting read that's a bit teeth-on-edge off in certain respects for me.
My interpretation here is that Twilight has somehow magically inverted reality so that her castle is outside of it and reality is basically a snowglobe-like thing in her possession now, hence why the castle's missing within that reality. Though now >>Moosetasm and >>Trick_Question mention it, I might be more inclined post-reading-the-comments towards a more tragic "Twilight is trying to recreate her reality" interpretation.
As for the fic at large, the writing is commandingly confident and comprehensively competent. The narrator harrying us from place to place didn't wear out its welcome for me, since I assumed this was a deliberate technique; we the audience are gathering clues as we go along, and the narrator for some reason either hasn't noticed them or is trying, poorly, to cover them up. Unreliable narrators intrigue me, and I was happy enough to let things build up to the finale. The compelling imagery - showing us what we need to see while letting the images speak for themselves - is top-notch. Well played, author. Well played.
Where the vagueness weakens the fic, for me, is in the ending. Finally, we get our answer as to what the narrator is hiding. Except we... don't? Look, vagueness and letting-the-imagery-speak-for-itself are all very well, and maybe you were deliberately going for a multi-interpretation angle. It's just... anticlimactic. To such an extent that I originally interpreted it as the punchline to a joke. Hahaha, that old Twily, screwing up reality again, hahaha.
But then I went off to read another fic, and this one just vanished from my memory. The vagueness comes at a price, and the price is that, without anything solid to hold onto sooner or later, my interest fades and the memory goes with it.
I don't want to come across as harsh, as I see far more effort put into this than I've seen for many more solid fics. This is clearly an author who knows what they're doing. I just wish I knew what they were doing too, and that costs points, I'm afraid.
Hmm... depending on my mood, either a solid entry or a high middle tier. I admire the craftsmanship, but am having a hard time even grasping the material, let alone having any strong feelings for it otherwise.
As for the fic at large, the writing is commandingly confident and comprehensively competent. The narrator harrying us from place to place didn't wear out its welcome for me, since I assumed this was a deliberate technique; we the audience are gathering clues as we go along, and the narrator for some reason either hasn't noticed them or is trying, poorly, to cover them up. Unreliable narrators intrigue me, and I was happy enough to let things build up to the finale. The compelling imagery - showing us what we need to see while letting the images speak for themselves - is top-notch. Well played, author. Well played.
Where the vagueness weakens the fic, for me, is in the ending. Finally, we get our answer as to what the narrator is hiding. Except we... don't? Look, vagueness and letting-the-imagery-speak-for-itself are all very well, and maybe you were deliberately going for a multi-interpretation angle. It's just... anticlimactic. To such an extent that I originally interpreted it as the punchline to a joke. Hahaha, that old Twily, screwing up reality again, hahaha.
But then I went off to read another fic, and this one just vanished from my memory. The vagueness comes at a price, and the price is that, without anything solid to hold onto sooner or later, my interest fades and the memory goes with it.
I don't want to come across as harsh, as I see far more effort put into this than I've seen for many more solid fics. This is clearly an author who knows what they're doing. I just wish I knew what they were doing too, and that costs points, I'm afraid.
Hmm... depending on my mood, either a solid entry or a high middle tier. I admire the craftsmanship, but am having a hard time even grasping the material, let alone having any strong feelings for it otherwise.
>>CoffeeMinion
Fair enough. If it starts making my brow sweat, I'll pull the plug. Fun is, like, Pinkie Pie Nirvana, after all. You don't dare blaspheme at that temple, mac.
On the plus side, I've done 20 now, which is more than half. So long as I don't rush it, I suppose I can avoid burnout quite comfortably over the next few days. I do feel that everyone who took part deserves their dues, though. Or else I'm just a compulsive completionist. One or the other.
Fair enough. If it starts making my brow sweat, I'll pull the plug. Fun is, like, Pinkie Pie Nirvana, after all. You don't dare blaspheme at that temple, mac.
On the plus side, I've done 20 now, which is more than half. So long as I don't rush it, I suppose I can avoid burnout quite comfortably over the next few days. I do feel that everyone who took part deserves their dues, though. Or else I'm just a compulsive completionist. One or the other.
Post by
BlueChameleonVI
, deleted
Post by
BlueChameleonVI
, deleted
Yes, never do a pun on "Feghoot". Apart from the general panic it causes, the name strikes me as highly unlikely for a professor and took me out of the tale for a moment.
Another minor issue is that you use the phrase "this time" three times in the first three sentences. It's distracting. Variation is a virtue if you don't want to sound like a beginner trying to rehearse a learned bit of speech. It happens elsewhere too (hint: try looking for the word "just"). It's probably just oversight - heck, I've done stuff like this myself - but I need to point it out.
Nitpicks over. Now, getting to the meat of the story:
The first major scene feels like it's overexplaining things a tad. Each character is explaining things the other either doesn't know about or clearly needs reminding of, but I do think you could chop up a few overlong sentences to make them tidier. This is important, because your characters need a strong voice. Credit where it's due; Sunburst's anxieties and Cherry's heartfelt support are valid conflicts sold well. It's just that they're blank slates to me otherwise, so the scenario feels a little bland. What makes them stand out? What makes them them? For me, it's giving the characters quirks and styles of their own (think of the variety of behaviours shown by the Main Six ponies, by way of example, and how each one would approach this kind of drama) that makes a work shine. This is simply polished, and even then, not particularly expertly. But it's a decent start, so fair play.
The report in the second scene reads extremely inconsistently. You capture and mimic the language of academia well in some places (how the first main sentence starts), but then fumble a catch in others (no sentence in academia should end with "frankly, abysmal"; the individual words may be in the ballpark of high-falutin scholarly dialect, but the flippant way they're used here sure as sugar ain't). It's plenty crushing enough just as a dry academic "we regret to inform you"; piling on salt in the wound is counterproductive because it breaks that plausible language use and even comes across as comedically inept as a result.
The best bit is in the third scene, as Cherry's increasingly frantic attempts to find Sunburst draw out the less commendable side of her loyalty. At least, I'm assuming you meant to convey that she was blinded by her loyalty, and not that the story really agrees with her. This is especially because that report clearly established how compromised Sunburst's magical talents are, at least at present. Either way, I do like how this scene drew out that response from the patient wait to the moment of panic to the students' reactions (neat way to convey other POVs into this, by the way), all the way to her final breakdown. The previous sections were roughly polished and decent, but this was where the fic started to shine for me.
I suppose canonicity is an issue - where does Cherry fit into the whole Starlight-Sunburst backstory, and why does she just disappear? - but it's not a terrible issue. A bigger issue is that Cherry is too obviously a satellite character, seemingly only existing in relation to Sunburst, but with no mind of her own. That reduces her appeal as an OC to me. I know you're hindered by the word limit, but some suggestion that she has a life outside of supporting Sunburst would go a long way to making her a compelling character.
I'll grant this fic a mid-tier status, but that's a good effort in my book. I'd mostly recommend just adding some more polish. See if you can use the flavour and directorial cleverness of the last scene to bring out the shine in the other two.
Another minor issue is that you use the phrase "this time" three times in the first three sentences. It's distracting. Variation is a virtue if you don't want to sound like a beginner trying to rehearse a learned bit of speech. It happens elsewhere too (hint: try looking for the word "just"). It's probably just oversight - heck, I've done stuff like this myself - but I need to point it out.
Nitpicks over. Now, getting to the meat of the story:
The first major scene feels like it's overexplaining things a tad. Each character is explaining things the other either doesn't know about or clearly needs reminding of, but I do think you could chop up a few overlong sentences to make them tidier. This is important, because your characters need a strong voice. Credit where it's due; Sunburst's anxieties and Cherry's heartfelt support are valid conflicts sold well. It's just that they're blank slates to me otherwise, so the scenario feels a little bland. What makes them stand out? What makes them them? For me, it's giving the characters quirks and styles of their own (think of the variety of behaviours shown by the Main Six ponies, by way of example, and how each one would approach this kind of drama) that makes a work shine. This is simply polished, and even then, not particularly expertly. But it's a decent start, so fair play.
The report in the second scene reads extremely inconsistently. You capture and mimic the language of academia well in some places (how the first main sentence starts), but then fumble a catch in others (no sentence in academia should end with "frankly, abysmal"; the individual words may be in the ballpark of high-falutin scholarly dialect, but the flippant way they're used here sure as sugar ain't). It's plenty crushing enough just as a dry academic "we regret to inform you"; piling on salt in the wound is counterproductive because it breaks that plausible language use and even comes across as comedically inept as a result.
The best bit is in the third scene, as Cherry's increasingly frantic attempts to find Sunburst draw out the less commendable side of her loyalty. At least, I'm assuming you meant to convey that she was blinded by her loyalty, and not that the story really agrees with her. This is especially because that report clearly established how compromised Sunburst's magical talents are, at least at present. Either way, I do like how this scene drew out that response from the patient wait to the moment of panic to the students' reactions (neat way to convey other POVs into this, by the way), all the way to her final breakdown. The previous sections were roughly polished and decent, but this was where the fic started to shine for me.
I suppose canonicity is an issue - where does Cherry fit into the whole Starlight-Sunburst backstory, and why does she just disappear? - but it's not a terrible issue. A bigger issue is that Cherry is too obviously a satellite character, seemingly only existing in relation to Sunburst, but with no mind of her own. That reduces her appeal as an OC to me. I know you're hindered by the word limit, but some suggestion that she has a life outside of supporting Sunburst would go a long way to making her a compelling character.
I'll grant this fic a mid-tier status, but that's a good effort in my book. I'd mostly recommend just adding some more polish. See if you can use the flavour and directorial cleverness of the last scene to bring out the shine in the other two.
Regarding the resolution: Myself, I'm torn between >>Trick_Question's dissatisfaction and >>No_Raisin's point that it fits the content like a glove. It is entirely apt to the whole "eternal stalemate" scenario, but the lack of resolution does weaken it as a story. I suppose I must pitch my tent in-between these two camps.
That out of the way, I want to make a more fundamental point about pacing and plotting. With a creeping horror like this, the buildup has to be perfectly balanced. Too far one way, and we cotton on to the scenario ahead of time and you lose the element of surprise. Too far the other way, and we don't even realize we were supposed to be on guard until it feels like one genre abruptly morphs into another.
This fic errs towards the second for me. There's very little in the first eight paragraphs that suggested anything to me, other than slice-of-life sad romance in a possible alternate universe setting. (Fair's fair, I sort of glossed over the trilby reference to The Saddle Row Review, which didn't help, but maybe that subtlety is part of the problem). The "apartment" thing made me wonder if this was AU or if Pinkie had moved briefly, and I was prepared to wait for the story to explain it. Nothing here screamed "THIS IS OFF! THIS IS OFF! GET READY FOR HORROR!"
So I was getting nicely settled in for one genre, and therein lies the problem. Instead of seeing the demon peek over the horizon and make me grin and go "Horror! Good to see you, buddy! I look forward to seeing your big moment later!", I was minding my own business when I was suddenly wondering why the play had changed. Even then, it wasn't much; the ninth paragraph I thought was just a commentary on Pinkie's cheerful facade, the tenth introduced the odd voice that - frankly - could have been an imaginary friend or Pinkamena or something vaguely psychological, and the eleventh was where it finally clicked with the "real" talk. Even then, I initially wasn't sure until the next bit that this actually was horror and not just a commentary on how Pinkie's clones can't match the real thing. And even even then, actual horror in the scenario had to wait until the bitter point in the thirteenth paragraph.
Now, that leaves me in the company of tragic psychological horror for the remaining sixteen paragraphs. So that's very nearly half of the story where I had completely the wrong idea of what I was reading.
Part of me wants to applaud you for this. Buildup isn't easy to do. Also, I'm aware of that balancing act. And Hitchcock got away with that damn love story before any killer birds showed up. But it does mean that the horror, extrapolated from the backstory and delved into with little in the way of compromise, comes onto the stage a bit late for my liking.
I'm not asking for you to reveal the thing right at the start, but it is important to signal early on what genre we're in. A hint in the first two or three paragraphs, a wink to the audience, a sign that something fundamental is off "so you'd better be ready for it", would be welcome. You could even do it in a red herring sense, such as convincing us early on that Pinkie's worried about an external threat, or something stalking her, so long as the genre is clear.
I don't want to harp on it for too long, and it clearly worked for some people. However, the result is that what could have been an admittedly still-compelling horror drama now has a tinge of dissatisfaction for me.
Anyway, the horror is good. There's some fundamental wrongness that torments Clone-Pinkie and drives ponies away from her, and this is an excellent hook. The pool literally defying her desire for friendship and enticing her back adds another delicious level of cruel syrup to this devil's cake. In short, the tone is outstanding, bolstered by the good prose, and boy does it deliver.
It's just, you know, I wish I'd had more of it. It should have been delivered sooner, with a bit of a head's up. Solid entry, definitely. Not top-tier, I'm afraid. This entry is good quality, though, and I immensely enjoyed two-thirds of it (the first third was good, but not immensely so, is all).
That out of the way, I want to make a more fundamental point about pacing and plotting. With a creeping horror like this, the buildup has to be perfectly balanced. Too far one way, and we cotton on to the scenario ahead of time and you lose the element of surprise. Too far the other way, and we don't even realize we were supposed to be on guard until it feels like one genre abruptly morphs into another.
This fic errs towards the second for me. There's very little in the first eight paragraphs that suggested anything to me, other than slice-of-life sad romance in a possible alternate universe setting. (Fair's fair, I sort of glossed over the trilby reference to The Saddle Row Review, which didn't help, but maybe that subtlety is part of the problem). The "apartment" thing made me wonder if this was AU or if Pinkie had moved briefly, and I was prepared to wait for the story to explain it. Nothing here screamed "THIS IS OFF! THIS IS OFF! GET READY FOR HORROR!"
So I was getting nicely settled in for one genre, and therein lies the problem. Instead of seeing the demon peek over the horizon and make me grin and go "Horror! Good to see you, buddy! I look forward to seeing your big moment later!", I was minding my own business when I was suddenly wondering why the play had changed. Even then, it wasn't much; the ninth paragraph I thought was just a commentary on Pinkie's cheerful facade, the tenth introduced the odd voice that - frankly - could have been an imaginary friend or Pinkamena or something vaguely psychological, and the eleventh was where it finally clicked with the "real" talk. Even then, I initially wasn't sure until the next bit that this actually was horror and not just a commentary on how Pinkie's clones can't match the real thing. And even even then, actual horror in the scenario had to wait until the bitter point in the thirteenth paragraph.
Now, that leaves me in the company of tragic psychological horror for the remaining sixteen paragraphs. So that's very nearly half of the story where I had completely the wrong idea of what I was reading.
Part of me wants to applaud you for this. Buildup isn't easy to do. Also, I'm aware of that balancing act. And Hitchcock got away with that damn love story before any killer birds showed up. But it does mean that the horror, extrapolated from the backstory and delved into with little in the way of compromise, comes onto the stage a bit late for my liking.
I'm not asking for you to reveal the thing right at the start, but it is important to signal early on what genre we're in. A hint in the first two or three paragraphs, a wink to the audience, a sign that something fundamental is off "so you'd better be ready for it", would be welcome. You could even do it in a red herring sense, such as convincing us early on that Pinkie's worried about an external threat, or something stalking her, so long as the genre is clear.
I don't want to harp on it for too long, and it clearly worked for some people. However, the result is that what could have been an admittedly still-compelling horror drama now has a tinge of dissatisfaction for me.
Anyway, the horror is good. There's some fundamental wrongness that torments Clone-Pinkie and drives ponies away from her, and this is an excellent hook. The pool literally defying her desire for friendship and enticing her back adds another delicious level of cruel syrup to this devil's cake. In short, the tone is outstanding, bolstered by the good prose, and boy does it deliver.
It's just, you know, I wish I'd had more of it. It should have been delivered sooner, with a bit of a head's up. Solid entry, definitely. Not top-tier, I'm afraid. This entry is good quality, though, and I immensely enjoyed two-thirds of it (the first third was good, but not immensely so, is all).
All right, I'm scaling back my reviews. Making them as long as the fics themselves is almost certainly a bad idea.
As for this one, it is a bloody riot! I love this kind of absurd comedy, and the combination of creator and driving test is golden. While not a deep character by any means (the only real flavour she has is in the opening speech), the Pony is an easy one to root for because of how identifiable that "driving test" scenario is for me.
That said, everyone else is right: the chronology is weird. Millions and billions of years pass by, but she can have nights to sit in and watch the show? I guess there's a Narnian time-discrepancy thing going on here, but a definite confirmation would be nice.
The touches of cosmology and religion are what elevate this for me. It starts off with a subversion of a biblical quote, and I chuckled at the "inflation" gag. My favourite bit is the "Deism-Theism" distinction. It felt like the strongest and most fully original gag of the bunch, sort of a sly dig at religious disputes over the nature of God, and also a dig at obsessive shut-in computer geeks. Kudos, mate!
I'll sport the other commenters that there are confusing gags that went over my head (the economy one stands out as a really immersion-breaking example), but honestly a gag-fest like this is like enlightenment to me. Top stuff!
As for this one, it is a bloody riot! I love this kind of absurd comedy, and the combination of creator and driving test is golden. While not a deep character by any means (the only real flavour she has is in the opening speech), the Pony is an easy one to root for because of how identifiable that "driving test" scenario is for me.
That said, everyone else is right: the chronology is weird. Millions and billions of years pass by, but she can have nights to sit in and watch the show? I guess there's a Narnian time-discrepancy thing going on here, but a definite confirmation would be nice.
The touches of cosmology and religion are what elevate this for me. It starts off with a subversion of a biblical quote, and I chuckled at the "inflation" gag. My favourite bit is the "Deism-Theism" distinction. It felt like the strongest and most fully original gag of the bunch, sort of a sly dig at religious disputes over the nature of God, and also a dig at obsessive shut-in computer geeks. Kudos, mate!
I'll sport the other commenters that there are confusing gags that went over my head (the economy one stands out as a really immersion-breaking example), but honestly a gag-fest like this is like enlightenment to me. Top stuff!
I do think the ending somewhat spoils it, and I too suspect this should have been told in the third person. Part of the problem for me is that the ending almost undoes the insight of the previous section, giving the impression that the lovely character philosophy we've just read has taught Starlight nothing whatsoever. It's especially weird because the "uh oh here we go again" style of ending would fit a comedic piece, but this never remotely struck me as a comedy. Well, unless you count sniggering at Starlight's cluelessness and channeling of Twily at the start.
Nonetheless, I like Applejack's main moral here, but especially the way it opposes Starlight's more utilitarian outlook without, in any way, invalidating it. Both Applejack and Starlight come across as reasonable adults hashing out a point between them, thus avoiding many didactic pitfalls such as having one character be Obviously Wrong. Even if Starlight's the one doing all the learning here, at least it feels less like she's being pushed onto the Right Path(TM) and more like she's adding a new concept to her mental vocabulary. In summary, this fic is subtler than most of its ilk, and I applaud that.
Well, that and I like wise old Applejack, so there's an automatic appeal for me.
Top contender, despite fumbling with the ball in the ending. The core of the fic is solid.
Nonetheless, I like Applejack's main moral here, but especially the way it opposes Starlight's more utilitarian outlook without, in any way, invalidating it. Both Applejack and Starlight come across as reasonable adults hashing out a point between them, thus avoiding many didactic pitfalls such as having one character be Obviously Wrong. Even if Starlight's the one doing all the learning here, at least it feels less like she's being pushed onto the Right Path(TM) and more like she's adding a new concept to her mental vocabulary. In summary, this fic is subtler than most of its ilk, and I applaud that.
Well, that and I like wise old Applejack, so there's an automatic appeal for me.
Top contender, despite fumbling with the ball in the ending. The core of the fic is solid.
What I like: The bait-and-switch at the start gave me a chuckle. Talking about the nature of losing keys, having no trouble finding keys, then finding that the whole building has been lost (all right, "misplaced") is a good subversion. You also have an eye on how to move pieces so that your joke is ready for checkmate. Nice moves here, compadre.
What I don't like: I figured out what had happened at the end - the building's invisible - but you wrote it so obscurely that I had to go back and reread it to figure that out. Repeatedly. That is not a good sign, grasshopper.
"Indespectia or limpidalus" mean bugger all as clues; I googled and wikipedia'd both words, and the closest match I found was "limpidus", which meant, of all things, "clear, bright, limpid". "Indespectia" got me nowhere. When it comes time to explain the joke, at least make sure your clues aren't so faulty that even Internet research can't make sense of them.
In addition, there are tense slip-ups throughout, (honestly, just stick to the past tense and you're largely covered when it comes to storytelling), and devoting your fic to two major jokes - even if the lead-in to the second one actually is pretty decent - feels a bit weak, especially when the one successful joke is resolved within the first four of twenty six paragraphs.
I'll put this at the low end of middle-tier, as it has an idea of what it wants to do - lack of ambition aside, that's fair enough - but has little idea of how to deliver that final checkmate. I'd recommend clarifying the ending, tidying up the prose, and maybe, if you want to be more ambitious, including more and smaller jokes to tide us over while we build up to the big one.
What I don't like: I figured out what had happened at the end - the building's invisible - but you wrote it so obscurely that I had to go back and reread it to figure that out. Repeatedly. That is not a good sign, grasshopper.
"Indespectia or limpidalus" mean bugger all as clues; I googled and wikipedia'd both words, and the closest match I found was "limpidus", which meant, of all things, "clear, bright, limpid". "Indespectia" got me nowhere. When it comes time to explain the joke, at least make sure your clues aren't so faulty that even Internet research can't make sense of them.
In addition, there are tense slip-ups throughout, (honestly, just stick to the past tense and you're largely covered when it comes to storytelling), and devoting your fic to two major jokes - even if the lead-in to the second one actually is pretty decent - feels a bit weak, especially when the one successful joke is resolved within the first four of twenty six paragraphs.
I'll put this at the low end of middle-tier, as it has an idea of what it wants to do - lack of ambition aside, that's fair enough - but has little idea of how to deliver that final checkmate. I'd recommend clarifying the ending, tidying up the prose, and maybe, if you want to be more ambitious, including more and smaller jokes to tide us over while we build up to the big one.
Right, that brings me up to 27, leaving 12 to tackle. I think I'll come back later for them.
I love me a good Scratchtavia fic.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I agree, success or failure in a Vinyl Scratch endeavor are usually interchangeable in their impact on others.
Here are two scenarios to illustrate:
Scenario 1: Success, in which Vinyl becomes the Alicorn Princess of ‘Wub’:
Celestia needs to intervene, Tavi never sleeps again, and no eardrums survive.
Scenario 2: Failure, in which Vinyl causes an out-of-control ‘rock you like a hurricane’:
Celestia needs to intervene, Tavi never sleeps again, and no eardrums survive.
>>FanOfMostEverything
I agree, success or failure in a Vinyl Scratch endeavor are usually interchangeable in their impact on others.
Here are two scenarios to illustrate:
Scenario 1: Success, in which Vinyl becomes the Alicorn Princess of ‘Wub’:
Celestia needs to intervene, Tavi never sleeps again, and no eardrums survive.
Scenario 2: Failure, in which Vinyl causes an out-of-control ‘rock you like a hurricane’:
Celestia needs to intervene, Tavi never sleeps again, and no eardrums survive.
>>Chris
Ditto... though I don’t think it would work...
Cookie Crumbles: “Sorry, Rarity, Sweetie, but your father and I have decided to see other ponies”
Rarity: “This is. The. Worst. Possible. Thing!”
Twilight: “Don’t worry Rarity, we’ve got this!”
*Eyes open, revealing the cleaning light of the infinite horror*
Mane Six: “Friendship cannon... FIRE!”
*Explosions, etc*
Cookie Crumbles: “Wow... Hondo Flanks... I never knew how I felt about you until now.”
Hondo Flanks: “Me too!”
Both: “Now we’ll be... Friends Forever.”
*PERMA FRIENDZONE*
Ditto... though I don’t think it would work...
Cookie Crumbles: “Sorry, Rarity, Sweetie, but your father and I have decided to see other ponies”
Rarity: “This is. The. Worst. Possible. Thing!”
Twilight: “Don’t worry Rarity, we’ve got this!”
*Eyes open, revealing the cleaning light of the infinite horror*
Mane Six: “Friendship cannon... FIRE!”
*Explosions, etc*
Cookie Crumbles: “Wow... Hondo Flanks... I never knew how I felt about you until now.”
Hondo Flanks: “Me too!”
Both: “Now we’ll be... Friends Forever.”
*PERMA FRIENDZONE*
I’m not sure if this is anti-American, anti-Chinease, anti-Australian, or anti-Japanese, or what it is, really.
It has a lot of stereotypes, which can work for a crack-fic... The problem is I’m not sure if I’m reading a crack-fic. And for a crack-fic to work, the reader needs to know it’s a crack-fic.
I think it’s the tone. Everything is sharp, things said are harsh, matter-of-fact. I don’t feel the tongue-in-cheek early enough to diffuse the agitation I feel from the stereotyping. (I am not fond of cultural or racial stereotypes unless it is a parody of those, ie there needs to be a huge lampshade to let us know you’re not really racist)
If it is meant to be taken lightly, it needs to be more over-the-top sooner. If you’re flying the spaceship Donald Trump (I’m a US citizen and I apologize to the world) then that thing had better be burning thousand dollar bills for fuel, be painted red white and blue, have Hail to the Chief playing on continuous loop despite the vacuum of space, and be phallus and/or toupee shaped... Or you can use overly purple prose, though that can eat your word count.
But then... Then the ponies are evil at the end? I guess? Maybe overreacting? But still evil? I don’t know, the whole thing confused me.
If it’s a crack fic, too confusing.
If it’s not a crack-fic, shame on you.
It has a lot of stereotypes, which can work for a crack-fic... The problem is I’m not sure if I’m reading a crack-fic. And for a crack-fic to work, the reader needs to know it’s a crack-fic.
I think it’s the tone. Everything is sharp, things said are harsh, matter-of-fact. I don’t feel the tongue-in-cheek early enough to diffuse the agitation I feel from the stereotyping. (I am not fond of cultural or racial stereotypes unless it is a parody of those, ie there needs to be a huge lampshade to let us know you’re not really racist)
If it is meant to be taken lightly, it needs to be more over-the-top sooner. If you’re flying the spaceship Donald Trump (I’m a US citizen and I apologize to the world) then that thing had better be burning thousand dollar bills for fuel, be painted red white and blue, have Hail to the Chief playing on continuous loop despite the vacuum of space, and be phallus and/or toupee shaped... Or you can use overly purple prose, though that can eat your word count.
But then... Then the ponies are evil at the end? I guess? Maybe overreacting? But still evil? I don’t know, the whole thing confused me.
If it’s a crack fic, too confusing.
If it’s not a crack-fic, shame on you.
With so many folks:
Commenting this round, I find I don't have a lot to say that hasn't already been said. Still, having read not quite half the entries so far, this one's at the top of my list, and I find myself wondering if old-style film projectors can actually do a "freeze frame" without the heat of the lightbulb setting the film on fire. I mean, that's what happens at the end of the film Rainbow shows at the beginning of "Hurricane Fluttershy," isn't it?
So yeah: I got nothing but obscure technical questions to offer... :)
Mike
Commenting this round, I find I don't have a lot to say that hasn't already been said. Still, having read not quite half the entries so far, this one's at the top of my list, and I find myself wondering if old-style film projectors can actually do a "freeze frame" without the heat of the lightbulb setting the film on fire. I mean, that's what happens at the end of the film Rainbow shows at the beginning of "Hurricane Fluttershy," isn't it?
So yeah: I got nothing but obscure technical questions to offer... :)
Mike
I liked where it was going. I love the absurd, that space cabbage had potential, it coulda been a contender! Despite not having children yet, I have an (apparently) horrible “Dad” sense of humor. I love me some horrible puns.
But the feghoot... I watch a LOT of movies. I can identify a vast array of movie references from popular, cult, and horrible movies and I’ve read a lot of different genres of novels; I could not identify this reference. I even tried googling variations on it and came up with nothing. And since the point of the whole thing seemed to be the feghoot at the end...
Sorry, but it didn’t work.
But the feghoot... I watch a LOT of movies. I can identify a vast array of movie references from popular, cult, and horrible movies and I’ve read a lot of different genres of novels; I could not identify this reference. I even tried googling variations on it and came up with nothing. And since the point of the whole thing seemed to be the feghoot at the end...
Sorry, but it didn’t work.
This is a creepy dystopian cutie mark crusaders gone horribly wrong future. Well written, enough to raise my hackles.
>>FanOfMostEverything
The map will send them as soon as is expands to encompass 1984 Orwell drive.
>>FanOfMostEverything
The map will send them as soon as is expands to encompass 1984 Orwell drive.
Genre: Sparity
Thoughts: Put me in the camp that "got it" and found this poignant. I thought the Tasty Treat reference was a lot more fun and silly than the overall mood here, but it's a useful anchor back to canon-happy-pony-land when we're spending so much time inside Spike's not-happy, not-pony head.
I feel like this could be clearer, though; hence some of the other comments. I also thought it slightly funky that Rarity tells him to use her gift in his gift. Or maybe the moment is just a bit rushed and doesn't come across with all of the emotion that it seems to be pointing at.
Still really good overall. This might be my favorite story from this round so far.
Tier: Strong
Thoughts: Put me in the camp that "got it" and found this poignant. I thought the Tasty Treat reference was a lot more fun and silly than the overall mood here, but it's a useful anchor back to canon-happy-pony-land when we're spending so much time inside Spike's not-happy, not-pony head.
I feel like this could be clearer, though; hence some of the other comments. I also thought it slightly funky that Rarity tells him to use her gift in his gift. Or maybe the moment is just a bit rushed and doesn't come across with all of the emotion that it seems to be pointing at.
Still really good overall. This might be my favorite story from this round so far.
Tier: Strong
It was good, but there wasn’t enough story for it to feel like a full story. This would benefit greatly from expansion.
Genre: Poetry
Thoughts: I like this, this is nice. It's simple from a plot perspective, but the rhyme scheme makes it interesting. Yes, it's a bit of a retelling of an episode, but the thing at the end talking about why she's rhyming does set something new forward. Plus we get inside her head a bit, which isn't bad at all.
I feel like it's missing something, though. Unhelpfully, I'm not sure what it is. If I can think of it, I'll post back.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I like this, this is nice. It's simple from a plot perspective, but the rhyme scheme makes it interesting. Yes, it's a bit of a retelling of an episode, but the thing at the end talking about why she's rhyming does set something new forward. Plus we get inside her head a bit, which isn't bad at all.
I feel like it's missing something, though. Unhelpfully, I'm not sure what it is. If I can think of it, I'll post back.
Tier: Almost There
Genre: Drunken Alicorns
Thoughts: I think this is well-structured and it feels pretty complete within the word limit. I feel kinda awkward trying to judge this on the authenticity of the experience, though. My first thought was that this seems like an alarming amount of alcohol... and I have a hard time seeing past that. Maybe >>Trick_Question's suggestion about making Alicorn alcohol tolerance clear is a good idea.
But then I also haven't had this kind of conversation quite like this either, so I'm drawn back to the alcohol...
Hmm. Well, I guess I'm failing on objectivity here. I guess maybe the one kinda objective-ish thing I can say is that I feel like it's too subtle what the stallion's problem with Twilight is, so I kinda don't get that whole bit.
Sorry author, I'm pretty sure this story deserves a better review than I can give it. :-/
Tier: Abstain
Thoughts: I think this is well-structured and it feels pretty complete within the word limit. I feel kinda awkward trying to judge this on the authenticity of the experience, though. My first thought was that this seems like an alarming amount of alcohol... and I have a hard time seeing past that. Maybe >>Trick_Question's suggestion about making Alicorn alcohol tolerance clear is a good idea.
But then I also haven't had this kind of conversation quite like this either, so I'm drawn back to the alcohol...
Hmm. Well, I guess I'm failing on objectivity here. I guess maybe the one kinda objective-ish thing I can say is that I feel like it's too subtle what the stallion's problem with Twilight is, so I kinda don't get that whole bit.
Sorry author, I'm pretty sure this story deserves a better review than I can give it. :-/
Tier: Abstain