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Griswielda's Fortune
The King and Queen of Griffonia, along with their squad of twenty heavily armed royal guards, were never going to fit inside Griswielda's tent. It was out of the question. Even without their trumpets and swords and bulky armor and all the pouches that the guards seemed to carry... awkwardly... in their belts. Awkwardly, like they weren't normally there. Like they were there for this trip specifically...
...Very bumpy pouches. And were they jingling?
Griswielda swung her eagle arms in a circle and bowed, welcoming her guests inside. She grinned stupidly. "Your Majesties!" she managed, her bedazzled and somewhat offensive turban jangling quietly. "Whatever brings you here to my tent?"
King Gorderia scanned the fortune teller from her black head feathers to her blunted talons and back up again. He was probably visualizing her inside his guillotine, just to make sure she could fit. He snapped a talon. A single guard stepped forward, his pouch most certainly jingling. He unfurled a scroll.
"Are you Griswielda, the Magnificent, the Blindingly Accurate Augurist, the Seer of the Unknown, the—"
Griswielda waved a talon dismissively. "Yes, yes, I'm all of those. To what do I owe the pleasure?"
The guard stammered, but pretended he didn't. "His Royal Majesty King Gorderia, or 'Gord' among his friends, which you are not, wishes to have a fortune told."
Griswielda squinted. King Gorderia was decidedly not a griffon who wondered about his future. He owned the future. Quite officially, in fact: He had his attendant draft up a deed and everything. There was a parade.
"I don't understand," Griswielda answered smartly.
"It is not for me," the king clarified. Queen Gree smiled meekly and rubbed her stomach.
"A-ha... Congratulations," Griswielda said. "Am I to assume that your... expectation is what I'm to foretell?"
The royal couple nodded.
Feeling brave, Griswielda pushed. "Well, my rate..."
A pouch crashed to the floor and spilled gold outwards. Griswielda tingled all over. She grinned inwardly.
To have so much money that they didn't even think to just threaten her with capital punishment. It was splendid. She had a ranking system, where she sorted the most gullible to the least gullible types of griffons and gave fortunes accordingly. These two were in the top percentile for sure.
She threw her head back, her eyes rolling back into her head. She chanted improvised nonsense.
"O'Kasala Minthior...! O-ho! Your child will have a remarkable future. I see many great events in their royal life. I see a kingdom full of prosperous griffons, not a one of which failing to respect the new heir to the throne." The guillotine was public knowledge, so that last part was always true.
Gorderia and his wife clutched talons and looked at each other nauseatingly. Griswielda raised the claw that she had them wrapped around.
"But!"
The royals visibly clenched.
"Burfertur... Manial... I see many hardships!"
A gasp from one of the guards.
"...Hardships that will shape them into a better leader. Hardships that they must tackle on their own!" There was always room for some parenting advice in Griswielda's fortunes.
King Gorderia interrupted. "Why are you saying 'they'?"
"Beg pardon?"
"If you can see their future, surely you know the gender."
Griswielda frowned, but she made it look like she was concentrating. "Well, not every couple wants to know..."
The king and queen scooted forward. "We want to know," the king said.
Griswielda panicked. She stopped thinking of the baby's future and pondered her own. She saw two distinct paths before her. One of them led to fame, fortune, and unending respect. The other led to certain execution. But which was which?
"Hocus Pocus...It's a boy?" she hazarded. The royal couple raised opposite eyebrows. "Yes, yes... I see it now! It's a boy!"
"Hurrah!" the king shouted. The guards repeated his exclamation, shaking the whole tent with their cheer, and nearly bursting Griswielda's only working eardrum. She pretended she was receiving a vision as she covered said ear.
"My boy shall be a great king!" the current king celebrated. "He will explore the world, create new alliances, and conquer those stupid ponies!"
The queen rubbed her stomach expectantly, cooing. Griswielda cringed.
The guards abruptly yet ceremoniously dumped their pouches on the dirt and escorted the royal couple out of the tent. Griswielda waved them goodbye and closed the flap. Her dirty floor now shined with gold varnish. She collapsed into it and made a gold angel out of the coins.
"I'm going to die," she presumed.
...Very bumpy pouches. And were they jingling?
Griswielda swung her eagle arms in a circle and bowed, welcoming her guests inside. She grinned stupidly. "Your Majesties!" she managed, her bedazzled and somewhat offensive turban jangling quietly. "Whatever brings you here to my tent?"
King Gorderia scanned the fortune teller from her black head feathers to her blunted talons and back up again. He was probably visualizing her inside his guillotine, just to make sure she could fit. He snapped a talon. A single guard stepped forward, his pouch most certainly jingling. He unfurled a scroll.
"Are you Griswielda, the Magnificent, the Blindingly Accurate Augurist, the Seer of the Unknown, the—"
Griswielda waved a talon dismissively. "Yes, yes, I'm all of those. To what do I owe the pleasure?"
The guard stammered, but pretended he didn't. "His Royal Majesty King Gorderia, or 'Gord' among his friends, which you are not, wishes to have a fortune told."
Griswielda squinted. King Gorderia was decidedly not a griffon who wondered about his future. He owned the future. Quite officially, in fact: He had his attendant draft up a deed and everything. There was a parade.
"I don't understand," Griswielda answered smartly.
"It is not for me," the king clarified. Queen Gree smiled meekly and rubbed her stomach.
"A-ha... Congratulations," Griswielda said. "Am I to assume that your... expectation is what I'm to foretell?"
The royal couple nodded.
Feeling brave, Griswielda pushed. "Well, my rate..."
A pouch crashed to the floor and spilled gold outwards. Griswielda tingled all over. She grinned inwardly.
To have so much money that they didn't even think to just threaten her with capital punishment. It was splendid. She had a ranking system, where she sorted the most gullible to the least gullible types of griffons and gave fortunes accordingly. These two were in the top percentile for sure.
She threw her head back, her eyes rolling back into her head. She chanted improvised nonsense.
"O'Kasala Minthior...! O-ho! Your child will have a remarkable future. I see many great events in their royal life. I see a kingdom full of prosperous griffons, not a one of which failing to respect the new heir to the throne." The guillotine was public knowledge, so that last part was always true.
Gorderia and his wife clutched talons and looked at each other nauseatingly. Griswielda raised the claw that she had them wrapped around.
"But!"
The royals visibly clenched.
"Burfertur... Manial... I see many hardships!"
A gasp from one of the guards.
"...Hardships that will shape them into a better leader. Hardships that they must tackle on their own!" There was always room for some parenting advice in Griswielda's fortunes.
King Gorderia interrupted. "Why are you saying 'they'?"
"Beg pardon?"
"If you can see their future, surely you know the gender."
Griswielda frowned, but she made it look like she was concentrating. "Well, not every couple wants to know..."
The king and queen scooted forward. "We want to know," the king said.
Griswielda panicked. She stopped thinking of the baby's future and pondered her own. She saw two distinct paths before her. One of them led to fame, fortune, and unending respect. The other led to certain execution. But which was which?
"Hocus Pocus...It's a boy?" she hazarded. The royal couple raised opposite eyebrows. "Yes, yes... I see it now! It's a boy!"
"Hurrah!" the king shouted. The guards repeated his exclamation, shaking the whole tent with their cheer, and nearly bursting Griswielda's only working eardrum. She pretended she was receiving a vision as she covered said ear.
"My boy shall be a great king!" the current king celebrated. "He will explore the world, create new alliances, and conquer those stupid ponies!"
The queen rubbed her stomach expectantly, cooing. Griswielda cringed.
The guards abruptly yet ceremoniously dumped their pouches on the dirt and escorted the royal couple out of the tent. Griswielda waved them goodbye and closed the flap. Her dirty floor now shined with gold varnish. She collapsed into it and made a gold angel out of the coins.
"I'm going to die," she presumed.
Pics
Some excellent comedic moments (though I’m not sure how Griswielda’s turban could be considered offensive,) but the story stops rather than ends. Some of this is a function of the word limit, but it still feels like a punchline tacked on in lieu of a resolution. Still, what’s there is certainly fun.
"Hocus Pocus...It's a boy?"
I laughed.
Great story. I love her humor and judging by the prompt I assume the new queen will be having Griswielda’s head in her palace very soon...
Ahhh, sweet, sweet hedonism. I always wondered what everyone’s preoccupation was with treating money like weather. Dollar/coin angels, swimming in one’s own fortune, making it rain teh monies... it’s all very, very curious.
>>FanOfMostEverything
Presumably because it plays to cultural stereotypes. MLP has a weird relationship with those. I laughed at that.
I laughed at a lot of this, in fact. Although, if the King is as fond of his guillotine as the story insists he is, one wonders why he didn't just order Griswielda to read his child's fortune, on penalty of off-with-her-headiness.
Minor gripe, sorry. No, I liked it a lot, thank you for writing.
(though I’m not sure how Griswielda’s turban could be considered offensive,)
Presumably because it plays to cultural stereotypes. MLP has a weird relationship with those. I laughed at that.
I laughed at a lot of this, in fact. Although, if the King is as fond of his guillotine as the story insists he is, one wonders why he didn't just order Griswielda to read his child's fortune, on penalty of off-with-her-headiness.
Minor gripe, sorry. No, I liked it a lot, thank you for writing.
That was fucked up, if you stop to think about it, but also very funny.
Funny in kind of an internal way, not so much external. I didn't laugh, but I really wanted to.
I like how you can read this story without any knowledge of the show and still appreciate it to a great degree, but knowing the show and how griffons usually behave certainly enhances the experience.
I love the title. It's like a perfect short story title in that it's concise but conveys more than one meaning. Great.
The prose is also pretty solid, although there are a few word choices that made me pause. I think I'm also lighter on this area because it's a comedy, and because there's not really any proofreading I would honestly recommend.
Griswielda is a fully formed character in the short time we spend with her, and she is both a scoundrel and also someone you kinda wanna see get away with everything, even though you know she probably won't.
I feel like the ending could've hit harder, but it was done competently, and I didn't feel cheated or anything.
I'm feeling a strong 8 to a very light 9 on this.
Funny in kind of an internal way, not so much external. I didn't laugh, but I really wanted to.
I like how you can read this story without any knowledge of the show and still appreciate it to a great degree, but knowing the show and how griffons usually behave certainly enhances the experience.
I love the title. It's like a perfect short story title in that it's concise but conveys more than one meaning. Great.
The prose is also pretty solid, although there are a few word choices that made me pause. I think I'm also lighter on this area because it's a comedy, and because there's not really any proofreading I would honestly recommend.
Griswielda is a fully formed character in the short time we spend with her, and she is both a scoundrel and also someone you kinda wanna see get away with everything, even though you know she probably won't.
I feel like the ending could've hit harder, but it was done competently, and I didn't feel cheated or anything.
I'm feeling a strong 8 to a very light 9 on this.
I liked this very, very much. It feels fun and silly without ever becoming absurd, which made it easy to laugh along with the jokes. And the ending is just brilliant. It says a lot about Griswielda that she basks in her newly-gained material wealth even while she knows she's kinda screwed. Nice character development!
This is sheer joy, amigo. I'm struggling to think of ways to improve it.
Well, maybe the last line could do with another look. The actual speech is fine, but "she presumed" is a weak note to end on. Apart from "presumed" being a clumsy saidism that doesn't actually fit very well into the direct speech format, it simply isn't as breezy as the rest of the fic, which makes the tone wobbly when it should be firm. Elsewhere, some of the speech should start in a new paragraph rather than be buried in an existing one. But man, if that's the worst I can say about this, then it's on a good footing.
What I like about it is how much it reminds me of those British TV comedies where the protagonist is clearly a selfish jerk, but they have such flair, charm, or humour about them that you don't mind. It especially reminds me of Blackadder, where the eponymous character had to serve his own needs while avoiding the punishments of those fools higher up the hierarchy than him. Griswielda fits the mold neatly, being avaricious and deceptive while still having a pretty amusing and even pitiable personality (because, you know, the guillotine's hanging over her head).
I like the way this progresses, with both sides being polite yet disrespectful too. I'm thinking in particular of the way she dismisses the king's list of titles, and then he interrupts his own speech by reminding her - rather pettily - that she is no friend of his. It's these amusing little snipes, as well as the way she's fleecing them while they're putting her in danger, that makes this fic come alive. And the pacing is just right, comfortable to read without rushing its way to the good bits. I got a good idea of what this setting was like as a result.
Top contender. No hesitation.
Well, maybe the last line could do with another look. The actual speech is fine, but "she presumed" is a weak note to end on. Apart from "presumed" being a clumsy saidism that doesn't actually fit very well into the direct speech format, it simply isn't as breezy as the rest of the fic, which makes the tone wobbly when it should be firm. Elsewhere, some of the speech should start in a new paragraph rather than be buried in an existing one. But man, if that's the worst I can say about this, then it's on a good footing.
What I like about it is how much it reminds me of those British TV comedies where the protagonist is clearly a selfish jerk, but they have such flair, charm, or humour about them that you don't mind. It especially reminds me of Blackadder, where the eponymous character had to serve his own needs while avoiding the punishments of those fools higher up the hierarchy than him. Griswielda fits the mold neatly, being avaricious and deceptive while still having a pretty amusing and even pitiable personality (because, you know, the guillotine's hanging over her head).
I like the way this progresses, with both sides being polite yet disrespectful too. I'm thinking in particular of the way she dismisses the king's list of titles, and then he interrupts his own speech by reminding her - rather pettily - that she is no friend of his. It's these amusing little snipes, as well as the way she's fleecing them while they're putting her in danger, that makes this fic come alive. And the pacing is just right, comfortable to read without rushing its way to the good bits. I got a good idea of what this setting was like as a result.
Top contender. No hesitation.
Genre: (A) Hustle (Sweetheart)
Thoughts: Well dang, my slate just keeps getting heavier at the top. What a great problem to have!
Here we get a story that sits off to the side of MLP canon, but that doesn't do anything to preclude its compatibility with canon. It's funny, it fits perfectly in the word count, and it doesn't feel forced or rushed in any way. It's got a strong emotional range, as we see the protag fly between hubris, panic, resignation, and a bunch of other things. Overall it's just a joy to read.
10/10, possibly scooping the top spot on my slate.
Tier: Top Contender
Thoughts: Well dang, my slate just keeps getting heavier at the top. What a great problem to have!
Here we get a story that sits off to the side of MLP canon, but that doesn't do anything to preclude its compatibility with canon. It's funny, it fits perfectly in the word count, and it doesn't feel forced or rushed in any way. It's got a strong emotional range, as we see the protag fly between hubris, panic, resignation, and a bunch of other things. Overall it's just a joy to read.
10/10, possibly scooping the top spot on my slate.
Tier: Top Contender
King Gorderia was decidedly not a griffon who wondered about his future. He owned the future. Quite officially, in fact: He had his attendant draft up a deed and everything. There was a parade.
Thank you, author, for giving my coworkers the opportunity to stare at the crazy guy and wonder what's so funny.
>>FanOfMostEverything
>>Hap
>>Anon Y Mous
>>Moosetasm
>>Posh
>>No_Raisin
>>Trick_Question
>>Bachiavellian
>>BlueChameleonVI
>>CoffeeMinion
>>PaulAsaran
A few days before the writeoff started a coworker of mine was at his pregnant wife's ultrasound, and I texted him asking if he knew the gender yet. He politely informed me she was like a few weeks in and it takes at least three months before you can possibly know that.
"Oh yeah?" I thought. "Well what if you were psychic?"
This idea hit me so hard I got brainfreeze. And when I had just finished A– about an hour after I was supposed to be in bed, I thought... oh, what the hell?
I've also been reading a lot of Terry Pratchett lately and I decided that he shouldn't be having all the fun. His style (or my bastardization of it) was a great challenge.
Thanks for reading, everybody! And shoutout to Chris and Skywriter for their medals!
>>Hap
>>Anon Y Mous
>>Moosetasm
>>Posh
>>No_Raisin
>>Trick_Question
>>Bachiavellian
>>BlueChameleonVI
>>CoffeeMinion
>>PaulAsaran
A few days before the writeoff started a coworker of mine was at his pregnant wife's ultrasound, and I texted him asking if he knew the gender yet. He politely informed me she was like a few weeks in and it takes at least three months before you can possibly know that.
"Oh yeah?" I thought. "Well what if you were psychic?"
This idea hit me so hard I got brainfreeze. And when I had just finished A– about an hour after I was supposed to be in bed, I thought... oh, what the hell?
I've also been reading a lot of Terry Pratchett lately and I decided that he shouldn't be having all the fun. His style (or my bastardization of it) was a great challenge.
Thanks for reading, everybody! And shoutout to Chris and Skywriter for their medals!