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>>RogerDodger
Also, is there a way to set an option so that there are fewer than 100 posts per page? It's very difficult to locate where I left off reading with this many comments appearing in a row, in particular when I'm trying to avoid reading comments on stories I haven't read. 40 or 50 would be much preferred.
Ooh, idea! Maybe have something that spoilers comments from stories you haven't voted or commented on? That would make it MUCH easier to read the comments (although the original issue still would remain, for me).
Also, is there a way to set an option so that there are fewer than 100 posts per page? It's very difficult to locate where I left off reading with this many comments appearing in a row, in particular when I'm trying to avoid reading comments on stories I haven't read. 40 or 50 would be much preferred.
Ooh, idea! Maybe have something that spoilers comments from stories you haven't voted or commented on? That would make it MUCH easier to read the comments (although the original issue still would remain, for me).
>>Trick_Question Although Roger is, of course, able to change his mind, last time this came up (when discussing changing 'general' to 'original') he replied here with:
Enforcement of genre (in non-trivial cases) will be done as it is in FiM contests: by voters. This is simply clarifying the expectations to voters and participants.
>>Trick_Question
I very much like this idea of having an option to auto-spoiler posts for any fics you haven't read.
I very much like this idea of having an option to auto-spoiler posts for any fics you haven't read.
>>Leo
>>Trick_Question
>>Trick_Question
>>Not_A_Hat
As Hat noted, enforcement of genre is done by voters. Don't abstain. Just rate it as you would anything else.
If the story is too dependent on its context, then rate it accordingly, i.e., there should be no expectation from the author that you know anything about, e.g., Overwatch's narrative, characters, etc.
>>Trick_Question
>>Trick_Question
>>Not_A_Hat
As Hat noted, enforcement of genre is done by voters. Don't abstain. Just rate it as you would anything else.
If the story is too dependent on its context, then rate it accordingly, i.e., there should be no expectation from the author that you know anything about, e.g., Overwatch's narrative, characters, etc.
>>TheCyanRecluse
After a century of mother nature poking them they are a lot of things, but as far as I recall safe is not one of them.
I know slightly more (which is still not very much) about WWII ordnance. They still dig them up over here, and the experts have a nice book with models and data-sheets where it says if something cane be defused and dismantled (preferable if you want to limit damage) or if you have to blow it up in a controlled way.
Explosives are like people, the older they become the grumpier they are. And even if they lose explosive power, when you dig one up in a town even a little bit explosive is still too much.
After a century of mother nature poking them they are a lot of things, but as far as I recall safe is not one of them.
I know slightly more (which is still not very much) about WWII ordnance. They still dig them up over here, and the experts have a nice book with models and data-sheets where it says if something cane be defused and dismantled (preferable if you want to limit damage) or if you have to blow it up in a controlled way.
Explosives are like people, the older they become the grumpier they are. And even if they lose explosive power, when you dig one up in a town even a little bit explosive is still too much.
Nice spin of the classical tale of an immortal loving mortals and interweaving her history with that of a family.
I liked that most of the story was told through implications, it matched quite well the narrative framework you used.
I am aware of the tyranny of the word count, but a couple of sentence that hinted a bit more about the relationship of the narrator with the lover on whose grave she speaks would have been nice.
All in all well written with enough subtlety to be wistful and not at all obnoxious (a risk in this kind of stories). It didn't blow me away but it was a pleasant read.
I liked that most of the story was told through implications, it matched quite well the narrative framework you used.
I am aware of the tyranny of the word count, but a couple of sentence that hinted a bit more about the relationship of the narrator with the lover on whose grave she speaks would have been nice.
All in all well written with enough subtlety to be wistful and not at all obnoxious (a risk in this kind of stories). It didn't blow me away but it was a pleasant read.
From a technical point of view it was well written (as far as I can judge) and the tone and the voices matched the characters.
As a story it was a bit too much on the nose for my tastes. While I can see people talk like that, and while I'm sure such scenes happen in real life, I would have preferred a subtler approach. As it is now it leaves me nothing beside the feelings derived from me sympathising with the characters (which means that you wrote them as human beings and not as robots, which is a good thing).
Not a bad story, but also not a memorable or an ambitious one. Sorry.
As a story it was a bit too much on the nose for my tastes. While I can see people talk like that, and while I'm sure such scenes happen in real life, I would have preferred a subtler approach. As it is now it leaves me nothing beside the feelings derived from me sympathising with the characters (which means that you wrote them as human beings and not as robots, which is a good thing).
Not a bad story, but also not a memorable or an ambitious one. Sorry.
>>The_Letter_J
>>Leo
Sorry guys just noticed these >.<
That's a good point about the other medics not realizing seven victims had already received specialized aid. And you might be right leo, maybe they just didn't notice/figured it was obviously done by one of their own. It's hard to say. It might just be an oversight by the author, too. Personally, I'm stumped.
I didn't like the very end either, though I'm mostly sure why the author did it. I think it was a final attempt to show us the medic is inordinary. We already knew this though when the narrator speaks to the other doctors about the experience. And plus it kinda whiplashed me, coming out of nowhere and suddenly throwing these elements from one context into another.
>>Leo
Sorry guys just noticed these >.<
That's a good point about the other medics not realizing seven victims had already received specialized aid. And you might be right leo, maybe they just didn't notice/figured it was obviously done by one of their own. It's hard to say. It might just be an oversight by the author, too. Personally, I'm stumped.
I didn't like the very end either, though I'm mostly sure why the author did it. I think it was a final attempt to show us the medic is inordinary. We already knew this though when the narrator speaks to the other doctors about the experience. And plus it kinda whiplashed me, coming out of nowhere and suddenly throwing these elements from one context into another.
This story is difficult to gauge.
On the one side, the technobabble is partly wrong. Caesium atomic clocks do not work that way, but by locking an auxiliary clock on the dip caused by atomic resonance. That's what we call a PLL in radio.
On the other hand, I don't know what you want to prove with this pamphlet. Militaries have always made errors since time began and it's not going to change, no matter how technological we become. And those errors have always led to innocent victims. It might be more shocking to an American reader, given that America has never been shelled, but I can assure you that over here in Europe, families having lost at least one member in a bombardment is not an exception, but rather the rule.
And I'm unsure about the end. Subtext here is two-faced: either you mean “don't do anything because you will always make collaterals victims on which the beast feasts” or “rather than sending killer birds while safely seated somewhere in a remote centre, take a gun and go there”. In either case, it's not great.
On the one side, the technobabble is partly wrong. Caesium atomic clocks do not work that way, but by locking an auxiliary clock on the dip caused by atomic resonance. That's what we call a PLL in radio.
On the other hand, I don't know what you want to prove with this pamphlet. Militaries have always made errors since time began and it's not going to change, no matter how technological we become. And those errors have always led to innocent victims. It might be more shocking to an American reader, given that America has never been shelled, but I can assure you that over here in Europe, families having lost at least one member in a bombardment is not an exception, but rather the rule.
And I'm unsure about the end. Subtext here is two-faced: either you mean “don't do anything because you will always make collaterals victims on which the beast feasts” or “rather than sending killer birds while safely seated somewhere in a remote centre, take a gun and go there”. In either case, it's not great.
Post by
Not_A_Hat
, deleted
Readings!
They have been chopped up by story. I've tried to include the relevant discussion, and cut out the irrelevant silence and banter.
A tremendous thank-you to the compassionate and friendly Murmurpunk for supplying the recording; I didn't plan to record, but due to her kindness, these are available for your enjoyment!
She had to leave early, though, so the last story - Some Food Court Takeout - is not here.
I apologize to the author. Next time, I'll have to look into recording these myself.
EDIT: I have since taken these down. If you'd like a copy, please msg me.
All the edited recordings should be in the Reading Archive zip for people who plan to download and listen elsewhere. Otherwise, you should be able to stream right from the folder.
If there are problems with this, let me know, and I'll attempt to rectify them.
The recordings are labeled in the order we did them, and the name of the reader is in the filename.
Well, that was certainly a thing.
Nicely written, this. Weird and creepy and mildly depressing. I'm not entirely sure how it connects to the prompt, though, unless it's the whole my-life-is-crappy-and-it's-not-getting-better thing. I was somewhat deflated, also, that nothing really happened in the end. The box talks occasionally, then it doesn't, and life just goes on fading. (Is the metaphor that he's the box? I mean, he says a box in the end, and he's also empty and convinced he can't do much about anything.)
Still, as a light and haunting piece, I liked it.
Nicely written, this. Weird and creepy and mildly depressing. I'm not entirely sure how it connects to the prompt, though, unless it's the whole my-life-is-crappy-and-it's-not-getting-better thing. I was somewhat deflated, also, that nothing really happened in the end. The box talks occasionally, then it doesn't, and life just goes on fading. (Is the metaphor that he's the box? I mean, he says a box in the end, and he's also empty and convinced he can't do much about anything.)
Still, as a light and haunting piece, I liked it.
You've got an intruiging world here, author, but I'm not sure 750 words is really enough room to do it justice. These minific rounds are incredibly constrained; the wordcount and time limit is barely enough to sketch the briefest of stories, and so what scene-building you can do is really limited to familiar ideas that don't need a lot of words to explain. For this - with its Hours, and demon-hunters, and time magic and alternate dimensions and this guy Midnight who apparently commands an army of chronological minions desperate to be freed from their bonds - you really need the freedom of the 8,000-word short story rounds to let it thrive.
The scene itself was pretty cool. I felt it could have ended better at the point where he died - your last paragraph is a surge of exposition which, as I said, hasn't the room it needs to really get its concepts across, but the main scene, even if there's a lot we don't know about, was still a good piece of drama. Slicing that last bit would strengthen the previous scene and give you the extra wordcount space to reinforce it even more.
Spelling's good, grammar's solid bar a couple minor bits ('lied' should be 'lay'; 'ended-up' doesn't need a hyphen, 'Twenty four' does). Watch out for changing tenses; mostly you're in past tense, but you sometimes shift to present.
TLDR: I read a book by a Hollywood director once where he talked about his job rejecting or accepting scripts sent in by wannabe movie-writers. He recalls how he rejected thousands of scripts that were perfectly constructed but just boring, because there's nothing you can do about a boring idea. He never once threw out something with construction problems that was interesting, though, because they can always be made to shine.
Your problem here is a construction problem: the wordcount is too small for your idea. This is intruiging, and given free reign with a bigger wordcount, this could really blossom.
(Also: I was totes expecting a gears-and-clockwork creature too, narrator)
The scene itself was pretty cool. I felt it could have ended better at the point where he died - your last paragraph is a surge of exposition which, as I said, hasn't the room it needs to really get its concepts across, but the main scene, even if there's a lot we don't know about, was still a good piece of drama. Slicing that last bit would strengthen the previous scene and give you the extra wordcount space to reinforce it even more.
Spelling's good, grammar's solid bar a couple minor bits ('lied' should be 'lay'; 'ended-up' doesn't need a hyphen, 'Twenty four' does). Watch out for changing tenses; mostly you're in past tense, but you sometimes shift to present.
TLDR: I read a book by a Hollywood director once where he talked about his job rejecting or accepting scripts sent in by wannabe movie-writers. He recalls how he rejected thousands of scripts that were perfectly constructed but just boring, because there's nothing you can do about a boring idea. He never once threw out something with construction problems that was interesting, though, because they can always be made to shine.
Your problem here is a construction problem: the wordcount is too small for your idea. This is intruiging, and given free reign with a bigger wordcount, this could really blossom.
(Also: I was totes expecting a gears-and-clockwork creature too, narrator)
A few rough edges, like "Cathy’s hand suddenly felt weak and useless, her hand slowly loosening its grip" or "Jacob usually got up in ten minutes."
The revelation is certainly unexpected, and Cathy's everyday pondering about her son in the beginnign sets the reader up for an emotional impact, so from a technical standpoint this is well-done. Only thing that could be improved in that respect is foreshadowing that something is wrong.
However, where the story falls apart for me is believability. I agree with Trick_Question here. I'm not a psychologist, but I'm fairly sure that this is not how denial or traumata works.
The revelation is certainly unexpected, and Cathy's everyday pondering about her son in the beginnign sets the reader up for an emotional impact, so from a technical standpoint this is well-done. Only thing that could be improved in that respect is foreshadowing that something is wrong.
However, where the story falls apart for me is believability. I agree with Trick_Question here. I'm not a psychologist, but I'm fairly sure that this is not how denial or traumata works.
Inconveniently, I don't have a lot of knowledge about this subject. I have to wonder whether this is really a struggle that veterans (or people in general) go through.
What I can say is that the story works on the technical side. The reader can see how a respectful relationship develops, up to the turning point. The characterizations are also well-done, and I'm particularly impressed by the character voices.
What I can say is that the story works on the technical side. The reader can see how a respectful relationship develops, up to the turning point. The characterizations are also well-done, and I'm particularly impressed by the character voices.
Yeah, I'm not sure I got this story. I didn't understand it on the first read through at all and on the second I'm leaning towards calling it a story on Schizophrenia, but told from the inside. It seems a very sad story overall but I don't understand the significance of the box to the MC and so I feel I've missed half the story by the end.
Don't have much else to say, this one bounced me.
Don't have much else to say, this one bounced me.
I'm not sure whether I want to call this a "story," as it does not fit the common definitions I know - there is no incidents or events that are being narrated here, no plot. Anyway, the text is either over-the-top sarcastic, or the author has some serious unresolved issues. I will just assume (and do hope) that the former is true.
A sales-pitch-style approach like this is controversial. I would expect readers to either think it's super witty and funny or hate it, and while it wouldn't be fair to say that it's a bad text just because I belong to the latter group, well, I do. Objectively I would say that I think it's too sarcastic, but even that is probably controversial.
The only thing I like personally is the line "So don't wait!" because it really is nice self-irony. Other than that it's just not my cup of tea.
A sales-pitch-style approach like this is controversial. I would expect readers to either think it's super witty and funny or hate it, and while it wouldn't be fair to say that it's a bad text just because I belong to the latter group, well, I do. Objectively I would say that I think it's too sarcastic, but even that is probably controversial.
The only thing I like personally is the line "So don't wait!" because it really is nice self-irony. Other than that it's just not my cup of tea.
This is all around a very good story. I have no major complaints about it. I'm not really sure how time can heal grey hairs, since you just have more showing up over time. Unless the time is basically making the hair younger, I suppose. But it's basically magic, so it doesn't really matter how it works, I guess.
>>Trick_Question
I thought that the idea was that when you're sad, having other people smile at you will cheer you up more than forcing yourself to smile will.
>>Trick_Question
Currently the ending lacks meaning because it isn't clear why the girl needs smiles if she could make them herself.
I thought that the idea was that when you're sad, having other people smile at you will cheer you up more than forcing yourself to smile will.
This story needs a healthy dose of commas. But other than grammatical issues, it's mostly okay.
I don't really get why the doctor kicked the narrator out for no reason, especially since it's clear that he wouldn't have needed to prescribe the narrator opiates anyway. Are we supposed to infer that the narrator is also homeless, so the doctor was just stereotyping or something?
And I'm not sure that giving the wounded man to the (good) doctor is really that much of a way to thank him either, but whatever.
Just fix up all the grammar and this story will be perfectly acceptable.
I don't really get why the doctor kicked the narrator out for no reason, especially since it's clear that he wouldn't have needed to prescribe the narrator opiates anyway. Are we supposed to infer that the narrator is also homeless, so the doctor was just stereotyping or something?
And I'm not sure that giving the wounded man to the (good) doctor is really that much of a way to thank him either, but whatever.
Just fix up all the grammar and this story will be perfectly acceptable.
I'm with >>FrontSevens on this one. The writing is very good, but the format is confusing. The P.S. that showed up in one of the messages suggests that they're letters, emails, or something along those lines. But I can't make any sense of the numbers.
As for the plot, like Front said, it seems to be someone longing for their ex after a breakup. But that's about all I'm getting from it.
P.S. I actually ended up paying attention to American Idol this year, so the reference to La'Porsha amused me.
As for the plot, like Front said, it seems to be someone longing for their ex after a breakup. But that's about all I'm getting from it.
P.S. I actually ended up paying attention to American Idol this year, so the reference to La'Porsha amused me.
Building the story on a pun feels like a weak premise to me. The reader doesn't get any context for the implied conflict with Sarah or the relationship of the main characters, which could otherwise be an interesting aspect, so stripping away the pun really leaves this bare any meaning.
At least it was a funny one (the first one that is, the second is just silly). I chuckled briefly. However, that's the entirety of my reaction.
At least it was a funny one (the first one that is, the second is just silly). I chuckled briefly. However, that's the entirety of my reaction.
I don't have much to add to what has been said before. The first two vignettes could be what the wounded guy dreams about while unconscious. Maybe. Or these are three different levels of an adventure game, and the PoV is one virtual character. I don't know.
In any case, ending on a cliffhanger wasn't the best idea I think. Unless you plan to write a sequel. But, as it is right now, the end is rather unsatisfactory. Have the guy killed or have him reach the lip of a friendly trench, but don't leave him in the middle of a no man's land.
In any case, ending on a cliffhanger wasn't the best idea I think. Unless you plan to write a sequel. But, as it is right now, the end is rather unsatisfactory. Have the guy killed or have him reach the lip of a friendly trench, but don't leave him in the middle of a no man's land.
I don't get this one either. The writing seems good to me, but even the best writing in the world can fall apart when the meaning is entirely lost.
I'm not sure what this is supposed to be an allegory for either, though Front and Trick's guesses don't feel right to me. I got caught up on the tree being described as "cosmic," so my best guess is that the branch was supposed to be an intergalactic civilization of some sort. But I'm not really sure how that fits in with the allegory, so I'm probably way off.
I'm not sure what this is supposed to be an allegory for either, though Front and Trick's guesses don't feel right to me. I got caught up on the tree being described as "cosmic," so my best guess is that the branch was supposed to be an intergalactic civilization of some sort. But I'm not really sure how that fits in with the allegory, so I'm probably way off.
There are tense shifts and I'm not sure if they are intentional or inadvertent, as well as 'laying' instead of 'lying' twice.
But okay.
I don't know what you try to convey with the parenthetical numbers. That remains a mystery, unless it's a hint at some software I'm not used to.
The metaphors are not particularly impressive, but they are not overwrought neither, so they adequately convey what a teenager or a guy in his early twenties could pull off. I say that because the guy seems to teach and at the same time still live at his parents'.
Otherwise well it's a classical story of a guy being dumped by – we don't know if it's a guy or a girl, by the way. Probably the former. A black guy, trumpet player Which is where the prompt kicks in.
Fairly written, but not really outstanding.
But okay.
I don't know what you try to convey with the parenthetical numbers. That remains a mystery, unless it's a hint at some software I'm not used to.
The metaphors are not particularly impressive, but they are not overwrought neither, so they adequately convey what a teenager or a guy in his early twenties could pull off. I say that because the guy seems to teach and at the same time still live at his parents'.
Otherwise well it's a classical story of a guy being dumped by – we don't know if it's a guy or a girl, by the way. Probably the former. A black guy, trumpet player Which is where the prompt kicks in.
Fairly written, but not really outstanding.
I really enjoyed this, particularly the prose. It flows like a babbling brook, and never felt overdone, even though in some places it ought to have. Lines like:
really worked for me (though I can see them having an opposite effect on others). As far as I'm concerned, though, it was great. A story is more than prose though, and what we got I also liked. The war descriptions felt real to me (excepting a few minor bits), and the idea of an aged soldier sitting at his old battlefield endlessly phasing in and out of flashbacks was poignant for me.
There's really nothing I feel personally needs changing. It's paced very well too. Nicely done. ^.^
Thoughts turned from fading to the shadows to catching sight of them, propagating stealthily from the shimmering wisps of dreams at the edges of heavy-lidded eyes.
really worked for me (though I can see them having an opposite effect on others). As far as I'm concerned, though, it was great. A story is more than prose though, and what we got I also liked. The war descriptions felt real to me (excepting a few minor bits), and the idea of an aged soldier sitting at his old battlefield endlessly phasing in and out of flashbacks was poignant for me.
There's really nothing I feel personally needs changing. It's paced very well too. Nicely done. ^.^
There is a core for a potentially interesting story here and the hinted at conflict touches on themes that are relatable. Unfortunately the presentation isn't strong enough to deliver on those premises.
There is at least an open contradiction [spoiler (]the part about the landline)[\spoiler] and the lack of subtlety in delivering the background of the conflict makes the reader feel manipulated, to which most people react badly.
Expanding the story and having an editor should solve most of the problems, but as it stands now it didn't work for me.
There is at least an open contradiction [spoiler (]the part about the landline)[\spoiler] and the lack of subtlety in delivering the background of the conflict makes the reader feel manipulated, to which most people react badly.
Expanding the story and having an editor should solve most of the problems, but as it stands now it didn't work for me.
Take an enjoyable, if not particularly memorable, fantasy novel, cut out everything between the second chapter and the last chapter, cut that down to 750 words, and you've basically got this story.
What I'm saying is that the idea you have isn't bad, but I also think that it can't really be told in 750 words.
Specifically, the two big problems I have with this story are the dream and the conclusion.
There's nothing wrong with the hero in these sorts of stories changing their mind and deciding that he wants, needs, and is able to be king after all. In fact, that's almost always what happens. But even when there is one specific turning point that leads to that decision, it's still a product of a lot of growth and character development, and that one point is usually something big. But in this story, he just has a dream that somehow convinces him to change his mind about everything. That does not make for a very interesting character arc.
And then there's the conclusion. If that last paragraph had said something like "When he returned to his home, the shouts of 'Tomas the Lame' were cheers," then it might be okay. But instead you have it set the next day, which makes everyone else's change in attitude come much to quickly too.
This was a nice attempt, author, but 750 words just isn't enough to tell the story that this needs to be.
What I'm saying is that the idea you have isn't bad, but I also think that it can't really be told in 750 words.
Specifically, the two big problems I have with this story are the dream and the conclusion.
There's nothing wrong with the hero in these sorts of stories changing their mind and deciding that he wants, needs, and is able to be king after all. In fact, that's almost always what happens. But even when there is one specific turning point that leads to that decision, it's still a product of a lot of growth and character development, and that one point is usually something big. But in this story, he just has a dream that somehow convinces him to change his mind about everything. That does not make for a very interesting character arc.
And then there's the conclusion. If that last paragraph had said something like "When he returned to his home, the shouts of 'Tomas the Lame' were cheers," then it might be okay. But instead you have it set the next day, which makes everyone else's change in attitude come much to quickly too.
This was a nice attempt, author, but 750 words just isn't enough to tell the story that this needs to be.
Hmmm, I read it a second time and I still feel I missed something. It is a point in favour of the story the I feel too dumb to get it and not that it is written badly.
What I gather from the text is a break-up, and from the feeling I get (no real clue to point to here) it wasn't because of cheating or some other obvious reason, but because something more subtle happened.
I'm not really sure what to make of it. The writing seemed alright and the narrator felt alive, but there is something missing here, something that will give me context beyond the longing for a lost love.
What I gather from the text is a break-up, and from the feeling I get (no real clue to point to here) it wasn't because of cheating or some other obvious reason, but because something more subtle happened.
I'm not really sure what to make of it. The writing seemed alright and the narrator felt alive, but there is something missing here, something that will give me context beyond the longing for a lost love.
I really like this for its prose, and what its trying to accomplish, though I don't feel it quite succeeds. You have a great use of imagery and metaphor, and the colorful language flows easily. Lines like "the croon of your trumpet" have stuck with me after reading (I read this yesterday). Because of this the narrator feels like they have a definite personality. There's dimension to them, when often in first person stories there isn't any (it's not always easy to do).
The narrator is, I think, a woman, and her lover is either a man or woman--I can't tell which. Perhaps that was intentional. Also, I am mostly sure it's the same narrator throughout. This is important, because just like not being able to take a deep breath, the emotion is prevented from fully developing for me.
Creating a clear context is integral to evoking emotion. If you can't understand what's going on, how do you know what to feel, right? Subtlety is good, but not if it muddles important details too much. So, in this instance, I don't know at what stage in the relationship most of the texts occur. They could easily be before breakup or afterwards. This colors them very differently. Before breakup, they're loving and flirty and romantic; after breakup, they're obsessive and reveal a deep hurt and inability to move on or let go. But see, I don't know which it is.
Also, because we only see one side of the conversation, it feels, well, very one sided. There's clearly another person implicated in the conversation, but they are silent, and so it comes across as one person doing all the talking. It adds to the obsessive appearance of the narrator. Now you might very well have intended this to illicit sadness by alluding to the fact the narrator is reaching out but is ignored. Like someone knocking endlessly on a door that will never be opened, we feel bad for them.
However, the time skips prevent this from happening for me. We jump forward and backward in time, instead of moving farther and farther into the future, which I think would more clearly convey the narrator is being ignored. Coupled with not knowing whether most texts are pre or post-breakup, I don't know whether this was a text that was likely ignored by the partner or not.
Does this make sense? I don't mean to ramble. I really did enjoy this story. I would suggest clarifying what stage in the relationship each texts occurs in--that's most important. Adding some information as to why the breakup occurred would also really help. As is, I don't know whether it's the narrators fault, or they simply have a misplaced sense of guilt in an attempt to regain the relationship.
So overall really great prose, and some not-difficult-to-fix structure and plotting issues.
>>The_Letter_J
Each passage is a text message (it says this at the end of the first one), and so the numbers represent which text in the conversation it is, and so act like a time stamp. ^.^
The narrator is, I think, a woman, and her lover is either a man or woman--I can't tell which. Perhaps that was intentional. Also, I am mostly sure it's the same narrator throughout. This is important, because just like not being able to take a deep breath, the emotion is prevented from fully developing for me.
Creating a clear context is integral to evoking emotion. If you can't understand what's going on, how do you know what to feel, right? Subtlety is good, but not if it muddles important details too much. So, in this instance, I don't know at what stage in the relationship most of the texts occur. They could easily be before breakup or afterwards. This colors them very differently. Before breakup, they're loving and flirty and romantic; after breakup, they're obsessive and reveal a deep hurt and inability to move on or let go. But see, I don't know which it is.
Also, because we only see one side of the conversation, it feels, well, very one sided. There's clearly another person implicated in the conversation, but they are silent, and so it comes across as one person doing all the talking. It adds to the obsessive appearance of the narrator. Now you might very well have intended this to illicit sadness by alluding to the fact the narrator is reaching out but is ignored. Like someone knocking endlessly on a door that will never be opened, we feel bad for them.
However, the time skips prevent this from happening for me. We jump forward and backward in time, instead of moving farther and farther into the future, which I think would more clearly convey the narrator is being ignored. Coupled with not knowing whether most texts are pre or post-breakup, I don't know whether this was a text that was likely ignored by the partner or not.
Does this make sense? I don't mean to ramble. I really did enjoy this story. I would suggest clarifying what stage in the relationship each texts occurs in--that's most important. Adding some information as to why the breakup occurred would also really help. As is, I don't know whether it's the narrators fault, or they simply have a misplaced sense of guilt in an attempt to regain the relationship.
So overall really great prose, and some not-difficult-to-fix structure and plotting issues.
>>The_Letter_J
Each passage is a text message (it says this at the end of the first one), and so the numbers represent which text in the conversation it is, and so act like a time stamp. ^.^
I really like the imagery in this one, though I reckon that's down to personal taste. I don't know whether it's supposed to be an allegory, but I don't care. I like pieces of writing that leave me free to make my own interpretation, which this does.
This does mean that I agree with some of the previous reviewers in saying that it's only the bare bones of a story. For me, it's more of a stepping stone towards new ideas of my own. And as I said before, I really like that sort of thing.
This does mean that I agree with some of the previous reviewers in saying that it's only the bare bones of a story. For me, it's more of a stepping stone towards new ideas of my own. And as I said before, I really like that sort of thing.
>>axis_of_rotation
I was interpreting "text" as "a piece of writing," because these are definitely not text message. Maybe they're supposed to be, but they look nothing like real text messages. First of all, I have never seen a phone number texts like that. Second, almost all of these are way too long to fit into individual texts. But okay, maybe these use a system I'm not familiar with and/or some liberties were taken in the compilation of these texts.
But the bigger issue is that I don't think anyone texts like this. I'm one of those weird people who uses full, grammatically correct sentences while texting, but texting entire paragraphs and multiple paragraphs just seems excessive. There are even em dashes! How many people even know how to type an em dash on their phone?
So I have a hard time believing that these are text messages, or at least realistic text messages. 406 and 480 are the only ones that look even remotely like texts to me. So if that's what they are supposed to be, then I think the author made a mistake.
I agree that the numbers do most likely convey some sort of order to these messages, but that just makes me wonder why they're all scrambled up like this. I'm not much of a fan of nonlinear storytelling in general, so I am a bit biased, but I don't see what scrambling the order up adds to the story.
I was interpreting "text" as "a piece of writing," because these are definitely not text message. Maybe they're supposed to be, but they look nothing like real text messages. First of all, I have never seen a phone number texts like that. Second, almost all of these are way too long to fit into individual texts. But okay, maybe these use a system I'm not familiar with and/or some liberties were taken in the compilation of these texts.
But the bigger issue is that I don't think anyone texts like this. I'm one of those weird people who uses full, grammatically correct sentences while texting, but texting entire paragraphs and multiple paragraphs just seems excessive. There are even em dashes! How many people even know how to type an em dash on their phone?
So I have a hard time believing that these are text messages, or at least realistic text messages. 406 and 480 are the only ones that look even remotely like texts to me. So if that's what they are supposed to be, then I think the author made a mistake.
I agree that the numbers do most likely convey some sort of order to these messages, but that just makes me wonder why they're all scrambled up like this. I'm not much of a fan of nonlinear storytelling in general, so I am a bit biased, but I don't see what scrambling the order up adds to the story.
This story was entirely too unambiguous in his images. The labelling of each element in the vision felt more like the analysis of a text than a story itself, and so quenched my involvement in the narration.
While there is a thing like too much subtlety, here we have the opposite.
To be clear, I don't want to sound too negative and this can evolve into a worthwhile story, but as it is now it pulled me out of the narration at each open explanation of what should have been symbolic and emotionally charged images. If you cut back on the labelling and if you expand the framework that allows us to connect the symbols to the grounded and, sadly, all too realistic situation that spawned them then you can have something truly touching.
Currently it didn't work for me, sorry.
While there is a thing like too much subtlety, here we have the opposite.
To be clear, I don't want to sound too negative and this can evolve into a worthwhile story, but as it is now it pulled me out of the narration at each open explanation of what should have been symbolic and emotionally charged images. If you cut back on the labelling and if you expand the framework that allows us to connect the symbols to the grounded and, sadly, all too realistic situation that spawned them then you can have something truly touching.
Currently it didn't work for me, sorry.
>>Leo
I would propose that there is a plot to this one. Because what you hypothesize here:
is what I would argue is the correct interpretation (for the fictional author, not for the actual author of the story).
It's implied by most of the titles of each section. The first two are general, and then the next one is oddly specific, hinting that it's not part of a normal sales pitch. The incidents and events that the narrator lists to prove his points are incidents and events that have happened, and have happened to him. This gets more apparent as the events get more oddly specific from there, with this line as a prime example:
This would suggest that he actually did all of the things he listed. It's not a traditional way to tell plot, certainly, but it's clever in showing his anger and frustration at his current situation. And my point is that there is most certainly a plot, the way I interpret this.
I would propose that there is a plot to this one. Because what you hypothesize here:
the author has some serious unresolved issues
is what I would argue is the correct interpretation (for the fictional author, not for the actual author of the story).
It's implied by most of the titles of each section. The first two are general, and then the next one is oddly specific, hinting that it's not part of a normal sales pitch. The incidents and events that the narrator lists to prove his points are incidents and events that have happened, and have happened to him. This gets more apparent as the events get more oddly specific from there, with this line as a prime example:
Now part of you may be screaming to go down the street corner and yell at that slut in front of both your kids and create a big scene for the entire neighborhood to see, but that’s not what this book is about, so you definitely won’t do that. I’m just saying it would be very understandable if you did that sort of thing.
This would suggest that he actually did all of the things he listed. It's not a traditional way to tell plot, certainly, but it's clever in showing his anger and frustration at his current situation. And my point is that there is most certainly a plot, the way I interpret this.
I appreciate the fast pacing in the action shown through some of the narration, as touched on below. I'm a sucker for 3rd person limited and I think you did a good job with that. However, the subject matter feels cliched, like I've seen it before, and this story didn't do much particularly interesting with the concept.
On to technical things. Off the bat, I'm a little biased against prompt drops, because in my mind, it lacks an element of creativity. So for me, -1/4 point for the prompt as the title, and -1/8 point for very nearly dropping the prompt at the end. I think the prompt was implied here pretty well without the blatant drops.
I see comma splices, but I'm more forgiving of it when it's in first person POV. Some add to the story and show the fast pacing of the events happening [My breaths were heavy and labored, my legs felt like jelly, another building exploded in artillery fire.] and some don't [The crawl was agony, physical and emotional pain threatened to overwhelm me, somehow I kept crawling forward.] (and the reason is that if you want to show something is agonizing or slow, then a comma splice won't help because that would speed up the reading of that sentence. I'd replace the "me," with "me.", and maybe even "agony," with "agony." too).
There's also an issue of show vs. tell, where I'd argue some phrases are too tell-y, like [My mind was filled with shock and numbness] and [physical and emotional pain threatened to overwhelm me]. If the point was for me to more vividly feel the emotions he's feeling, then it doesn't help if you're telling me those feelings straight-up instead of showing me those feelings. It'd be more intimate and immediate, and better show the raw, fast-paced emotion the narrator is going through. Even something little, like instead of [telling myself they were still alive despite knowing they were all dead], you could have [They're still alive, I thought, lying to myself], which isn't a great example but eliminates that unnecessary and distancing phrase "telling myself".
So overall, a good try, but it didn't quite hit the mark for me.
On to technical things. Off the bat, I'm a little biased against prompt drops, because in my mind, it lacks an element of creativity. So for me, -1/4 point for the prompt as the title, and -1/8 point for very nearly dropping the prompt at the end. I think the prompt was implied here pretty well without the blatant drops.
I see comma splices, but I'm more forgiving of it when it's in first person POV. Some add to the story and show the fast pacing of the events happening [My breaths were heavy and labored, my legs felt like jelly, another building exploded in artillery fire.] and some don't [The crawl was agony, physical and emotional pain threatened to overwhelm me, somehow I kept crawling forward.] (and the reason is that if you want to show something is agonizing or slow, then a comma splice won't help because that would speed up the reading of that sentence. I'd replace the "me," with "me.", and maybe even "agony," with "agony." too).
There's also an issue of show vs. tell, where I'd argue some phrases are too tell-y, like [My mind was filled with shock and numbness] and [physical and emotional pain threatened to overwhelm me]. If the point was for me to more vividly feel the emotions he's feeling, then it doesn't help if you're telling me those feelings straight-up instead of showing me those feelings. It'd be more intimate and immediate, and better show the raw, fast-paced emotion the narrator is going through. Even something little, like instead of [telling myself they were still alive despite knowing they were all dead], you could have [They're still alive, I thought, lying to myself], which isn't a great example but eliminates that unnecessary and distancing phrase "telling myself".
So overall, a good try, but it didn't quite hit the mark for me.
The writing's good, but I'm having trouble sinking my teeth into this one.
So if I'm correct, this is someone who is running away from his life. He got in a car accident that was his fault and feels guilty for it. But if that's true, why does he say someone "stepped into my shoes without even waiting for them to cool"? Was this a witness protection program or something? Some Breaking Bad type dealio?
He says "maybe this time I can be carried away from my past", so I'm not sure if he means he's had more than one accident, or if this new driver will carry him away, when the previous drivers couldn't? Which doesn't make sense on a functional level, because a car is a car is a car...
I'm speculating because I don't know quite understand what's happening and what the narrator's feeling. I think I'm taking issue with the sort of mysteriousness of the narrator, paired with the lack of clarity on what's going on. It doesn't help that the driver is general, and I'm not really getting a vivid picture of the driver or his car's interior, which perhaps that's the point, not to focus on the driver and focus on the passenger, but when the passenger's tale and thoughts are blurry, then I have trouble focusing period.
Maybe. I dunno. Point is, I wasn't quite engaged with this one, but I felt like it's close to a point where I would be engaged with it.
So if I'm correct, this is someone who is running away from his life. He got in a car accident that was his fault and feels guilty for it. But if that's true, why does he say someone "stepped into my shoes without even waiting for them to cool"? Was this a witness protection program or something? Some Breaking Bad type dealio?
He says "maybe this time I can be carried away from my past", so I'm not sure if he means he's had more than one accident, or if this new driver will carry him away, when the previous drivers couldn't? Which doesn't make sense on a functional level, because a car is a car is a car...
I'm speculating because I don't know quite understand what's happening and what the narrator's feeling. I think I'm taking issue with the sort of mysteriousness of the narrator, paired with the lack of clarity on what's going on. It doesn't help that the driver is general, and I'm not really getting a vivid picture of the driver or his car's interior, which perhaps that's the point, not to focus on the driver and focus on the passenger, but when the passenger's tale and thoughts are blurry, then I have trouble focusing period.
Maybe. I dunno. Point is, I wasn't quite engaged with this one, but I felt like it's close to a point where I would be engaged with it.
This story was skillfully written and felt true to the fairytale style. The descriptions were clear and the pacing was good. The body of the arc was sound, but I had some trouble with the beginning and end.
On the beginning, I'm not really sure what the trigger was for the Prince's troubles. While it's true that some fairy tales are like this, I think it would be more satisfying if there was some (often self-inflicted) seed to the trouble. As-is, it seems like he starts having bad luck, and then gets screwed over by the stars.
On the end, the one piece that causes me the single largest amount of confusion was the last sentence of the middle section. I really don't see how it ties in. Who forgot his efforts? Is he supposed to be the bard? Does this have any connection to having a wife and/or daughter? I'm afraid I didn't see how this connects the pieces of the story together
Overall, this felt classic and well executed, but while the body was entertaining, the end wasn't quite able to bring it all together.
On the beginning, I'm not really sure what the trigger was for the Prince's troubles. While it's true that some fairy tales are like this, I think it would be more satisfying if there was some (often self-inflicted) seed to the trouble. As-is, it seems like he starts having bad luck, and then gets screwed over by the stars.
On the end, the one piece that causes me the single largest amount of confusion was the last sentence of the middle section. I really don't see how it ties in. Who forgot his efforts? Is he supposed to be the bard? Does this have any connection to having a wife and/or daughter? I'm afraid I didn't see how this connects the pieces of the story together
Overall, this felt classic and well executed, but while the body was entertaining, the end wasn't quite able to bring it all together.
I think this story was good but hurt by the word count.
At the end, I felt like her moment was supposed to be triumphant or clever, but I feel like the rest was too short to build up to that moment, and so the end felt like it came and went at a fast clip. I don't fully understand the stakes (though I do in my head, I don't quite have a feel for them), I don't understand the game they were playing (other than it's something you bet on and Jeremia won), and I don't know what the significance of beating Jeremia and leaving that note are. I think you did a good job, though, of revealing the backstory as you did.
I feel like the writing skill is definitely there and the sense of pacing is there, but it might have a better impact if it was longer. A better impact on me, at least. Perhaps someone else thinks this is just the right length. I dunno. Just my opinion.
--
Side note, now every story has at least one review at this point! Woot :>
At the end, I felt like her moment was supposed to be triumphant or clever, but I feel like the rest was too short to build up to that moment, and so the end felt like it came and went at a fast clip. I don't fully understand the stakes (though I do in my head, I don't quite have a feel for them), I don't understand the game they were playing (other than it's something you bet on and Jeremia won), and I don't know what the significance of beating Jeremia and leaving that note are. I think you did a good job, though, of revealing the backstory as you did.
I feel like the writing skill is definitely there and the sense of pacing is there, but it might have a better impact if it was longer. A better impact on me, at least. Perhaps someone else thinks this is just the right length. I dunno. Just my opinion.
--
Side note, now every story has at least one review at this point! Woot :>
This may not have been an incredibly deep musing about human nature or a touching story, but it made my day. The fact that the story was all dialogue helped a lot in my opinion. That the characters are chickens, and that they are aware (or at least one of them is) of their "place" in the grand scheme of things, really sells the whole concept. Add to this that tone and delivery were spot on and I don't have much to say about it aside from great job.
>>Trick_Question
This is definitely something to keep in mind - there is this slight feeling of being lectured. Personally I didn't have an issue with it though.
Setting up the two characters for a discussion to convey information is a simple yet effective. Their emotions are also portrayed well, Jane being frustrated and Willian trying to cheer her up. What I have a bit of a problem with is that Jane insists "they're not lazy" at first and then, a minute later, claims that Khan is lazy. I understand that she is complaining about his individual behavior as opposed to the general nature of tigers, but I think it is a little confusing.
The weakness of the story is the ending, which doesn't really come to a conclusion. It just drags on for the last 6-8 paragraphs, basically repeating the point that has already been made.
>>Ratlab
This is definitely something to keep in mind - there is this slight feeling of being lectured. Personally I didn't have an issue with it though.
Setting up the two characters for a discussion to convey information is a simple yet effective. Their emotions are also portrayed well, Jane being frustrated and Willian trying to cheer her up. What I have a bit of a problem with is that Jane insists "they're not lazy" at first and then, a minute later, claims that Khan is lazy. I understand that she is complaining about his individual behavior as opposed to the general nature of tigers, but I think it is a little confusing.
The weakness of the story is the ending, which doesn't really come to a conclusion. It just drags on for the last 6-8 paragraphs, basically repeating the point that has already been made.
>>Ratlab
I'm a little surprised that a zoo employee would be so cavalier about throwing rocks at the exhibits, as well as Willan referring to him as 'old Khan' when he's a yearling.I don't see this as a problem. From what I understand it's part of his character to be careless like that, and he is obviously concerned about Jane way more than about his job or the animals.
Solid fic, the voice seems authentic. A few mechanical issues that others have noted, but given the nature of the fic, it's hard to tell how much of it is intentional or not.
No real flaws to mention that the others haven't already covered.
The plot is simple but weighty, and the ending hits hard. Depressing, but a very direct interpretation of the prompt.
No real flaws to mention that the others haven't already covered.
The plot is simple but weighty, and the ending hits hard. Depressing, but a very direct interpretation of the prompt.
>>Leo
I know, and I'm sorry.
I have a tendency to advocate more strongly than is polite without realizing it.
I know, and I'm sorry.
I have a tendency to advocate more strongly than is polite without realizing it.
This story might be too subtle for its own good. I think >>Orbiting_kettle's interpretation is probably correct, but I don't think I would have been able to figure it out on my own. But even after reading Kettle's explanation, a lot of the story is still confusing to me when I read it again.
Aside from the problems that >>Leo pointed out, the writing is pretty good, and I think you had a good idea in mind, but the story didn't quite live up to it.
And as a final note/reminder, you might want to take a look at the Writeoff style guide. This isn't something I'm going to dock you for, but it was a bit distracting to have this story formatted differently from all the other stories, and you don't want to ruin your anonymity in the future by formatting your stories differently. (Going against the style guide occasionally for artistic reasons (like "One Day I Shall See a Bird" seems to have done) is perfectly fine, but that doesn't appear to have been your intent here.)
Aside from the problems that >>Leo pointed out, the writing is pretty good, and I think you had a good idea in mind, but the story didn't quite live up to it.
And as a final note/reminder, you might want to take a look at the Writeoff style guide. This isn't something I'm going to dock you for, but it was a bit distracting to have this story formatted differently from all the other stories, and you don't want to ruin your anonymity in the future by formatting your stories differently. (Going against the style guide occasionally for artistic reasons (like "One Day I Shall See a Bird" seems to have done) is perfectly fine, but that doesn't appear to have been your intent here.)
A solid piece that does what it set out to do. Perhaps not quite to my taste, but there's nothing you can do about that.
Like the other commenters, I agree with >>axis_of_rotation. I'm not sure if it was because of the lines axis brought up or just because I've come to expect apparently happy stories to never remain as such (especially with a prompt like this), but I guessed that Leigh would die several paragraphs before it happened.
You should definitely be happy with how this story turned out, author. I would not be surprised to see this in the finals.
Like the other commenters, I agree with >>axis_of_rotation. I'm not sure if it was because of the lines axis brought up or just because I've come to expect apparently happy stories to never remain as such (especially with a prompt like this), but I guessed that Leigh would die several paragraphs before it happened.
You should definitely be happy with how this story turned out, author. I would not be surprised to see this in the finals.
This story really doesn't work for me.
There's nothing wrong with combining a story and a logical argument. In fact, I rather like that you did. But the problem with doing so is that if the argument doesn't work, the entire story falls apart. And I think that's what happened here. Every time you laid down a premise, my reaction was basically, to use your own words, "no, that's stupid." So when you then start drawing conclusions from the premises, I am very disinclined to take them seriously. So basically, most of the story basically ended up as meaningless ramblings to me.
There is something to what >>MrNumbers said about the story being told by an unreliable narrator. But in my opinion, that doesn't really help much. Perhaps if we knew a bit about the narrator, we could learn more about them through this argument they present. But without any context, this story tells us nothing.
There's nothing wrong with combining a story and a logical argument. In fact, I rather like that you did. But the problem with doing so is that if the argument doesn't work, the entire story falls apart. And I think that's what happened here. Every time you laid down a premise, my reaction was basically, to use your own words, "no, that's stupid." So when you then start drawing conclusions from the premises, I am very disinclined to take them seriously. So basically, most of the story basically ended up as meaningless ramblings to me.
There is something to what >>MrNumbers said about the story being told by an unreliable narrator. But in my opinion, that doesn't really help much. Perhaps if we knew a bit about the narrator, we could learn more about them through this argument they present. But without any context, this story tells us nothing.
Should Death refuse those gifts? She doesn’t have a right to them, so the answer to this is definitely “yes”.
...Isn't not having the right to something the very definition of a gift?
Anyways, this has some interesting ideas. However, I feel it would be much stronger if it had been told as dialogue or description, instead of straight summary. You may gain space by summarizing everything, but it brings in its own problems: it naturally creates a lot of distance between your audience from your characters, and that's hard to overcome.
Not a bad story overall. Too bad >>Monokeras had to come in and spoil your fun with that pesky thing called reality. ;P
Perhaps you should have set this way back ancient times when soldiers would pour salt onto fields of their enemies to make sure that nothing would ever grow there.
I do think that the ending was weaker than the rest of the story, though I did enjoy the bit about time only healing the wounds of the survivors.
Perhaps you should have set this way back ancient times when soldiers would pour salt onto fields of their enemies to make sure that nothing would ever grow there.
I do think that the ending was weaker than the rest of the story, though I did enjoy the bit about time only healing the wounds of the survivors.
Mmm... I'm trying to locate some sort of 'arc' or struggle in this story, and I'm having a bit of a tough time.
In principal, I like the way you're trying to slipstream stuff into the narrative, the sort of retroactive reveal you have going here, but I'm not actually sure it adds much to the story besides confusion. It feels like... dab of interesting plot thing, aside about random description, dab of interesting plot thing, random aside...
Also, I think you could cut that whole first paragraph and it wouldn't change the story at all.
I guess the 'arc' is a straight descent into misery? I dunno. The character knows they'll die in the beginning, and at the end, they do. The backstory/description doesn't change that, it simply shows how it happened. I don't feel much from that, possibly because I'm having a hard time caring about your character actually dying, since it was already confirmed. More words might fix that, by giving me more reasons to care about the character and actually feel the tragedy, or perhaps a re-focus of the story in order to introduce some actual struggle.
In principal, I like the way you're trying to slipstream stuff into the narrative, the sort of retroactive reveal you have going here, but I'm not actually sure it adds much to the story besides confusion. It feels like... dab of interesting plot thing, aside about random description, dab of interesting plot thing, random aside...
Also, I think you could cut that whole first paragraph and it wouldn't change the story at all.
I guess the 'arc' is a straight descent into misery? I dunno. The character knows they'll die in the beginning, and at the end, they do. The backstory/description doesn't change that, it simply shows how it happened. I don't feel much from that, possibly because I'm having a hard time caring about your character actually dying, since it was already confirmed. More words might fix that, by giving me more reasons to care about the character and actually feel the tragedy, or perhaps a re-focus of the story in order to introduce some actual struggle.
>>Monokeras
Interesting to know. I wouldn't have the history knowledge to point these things out, however I was going to comment on the dialogue. It's not that it feels particularly stilted - maybe a little, but I'm sure you'd get away with it perfectly in a conversation over the lunchtable. But it's just not what you would expect WW1 soliders to talk like.
The whole situation of living in the trenches is not reflected at all in the atmosphere of this story. Basically, you lie in a hole of cold, wet dirt, surrounded by our dead friends, as you listen carefully for the very particular sound of an approaching granade so that you could brace yourself and maybe not die. Add to that the smell of urine and feces, the rats, the hunger and spreading disease. It's a grim and ugly place to be in.
The approach the author takes on the prompt I actually find interesting, but the execution doesn't hold up.
>>TheCyanRecluse
>>Orbiting_kettle
To jump in on the discussion, I have to second Orbiting_kettle. So, I grew up in Essen, alright, one of the places where they still occasionally dig up WW2 bombs on construction sites, right in the middle of the city. And, sure, if they didn't go off when they were supposed to there's a chance they won't now - or they might blow up in your face at so much as moving them, possibly killing hundreds of people around you. That's not really a risk you're happy to take.
As Orbiting_kettle has already mentioned, the fuse also become more sensitive as they corrode, and sometimes, when it's too badly damaged, the bomb even has to be controlledly detonated on site.
Interesting to know. I wouldn't have the history knowledge to point these things out, however I was going to comment on the dialogue. It's not that it feels particularly stilted - maybe a little, but I'm sure you'd get away with it perfectly in a conversation over the lunchtable. But it's just not what you would expect WW1 soliders to talk like.
The whole situation of living in the trenches is not reflected at all in the atmosphere of this story. Basically, you lie in a hole of cold, wet dirt, surrounded by our dead friends, as you listen carefully for the very particular sound of an approaching granade so that you could brace yourself and maybe not die. Add to that the smell of urine and feces, the rats, the hunger and spreading disease. It's a grim and ugly place to be in.
The approach the author takes on the prompt I actually find interesting, but the execution doesn't hold up.
>>TheCyanRecluse
>>Orbiting_kettle
To jump in on the discussion, I have to second Orbiting_kettle. So, I grew up in Essen, alright, one of the places where they still occasionally dig up WW2 bombs on construction sites, right in the middle of the city. And, sure, if they didn't go off when they were supposed to there's a chance they won't now - or they might blow up in your face at so much as moving them, possibly killing hundreds of people around you. That's not really a risk you're happy to take.
As Orbiting_kettle has already mentioned, the fuse also become more sensitive as they corrode, and sometimes, when it's too badly damaged, the bomb even has to be controlledly detonated on site.
This story is fitted within it's word-count very well.
This metaphor:
For some reason, I thought the cake was for Sam at first?
Sam's disapproval added an interesting dissonance at the end that worked quite well, I thought.
Mmm... well, although a mother's grief is always going to be touching, I feel like this could have hit harder, though I'm not exactly sure how. Limited by wordspace as you are, it's difficult to simply talk about Billum more. I'd probably have gone for some recursion, but... eh, I dunno.
This metaphor:
between the batter and the bone.was very odd to me, and left me wondering if there were bones in the cake or something. (My one friend calls pizza crust 'bones'.)
For some reason, I thought the cake was for Sam at first?
Sam's disapproval added an interesting dissonance at the end that worked quite well, I thought.
Mmm... well, although a mother's grief is always going to be touching, I feel like this could have hit harder, though I'm not exactly sure how. Limited by wordspace as you are, it's difficult to simply talk about Billum more. I'd probably have gone for some recursion, but... eh, I dunno.
...hmmm. If I hadn't glimpsed Kettle's post about it being an immortal, I honestly don't know what I'd have thought of this story.
That first paragraph especially was hard to grasp. Something about the comma-laden construction of the second line had me re-reading it three or four times to grasp which parts were important.
The inclusion of Flanders fields in the end was an interesting choice; that's a powerful poem, and even by association I felt it added something to the story. I don't know if what I got from it was exactly what you were intending, though... I'm half-expecting your mysterious narrator to start up some sort of vendetta now. :P
If this is, in fact, intended to be the chronicle of an immortal dealing with a family-line, I think your biggest weakness (and one reason I wouldn't have necessarily guessed that myself) is a lack of strong familial identifiers; I think you might have been better off injecting clear genealogical words like 'father, grandfather, son, daughter' as much as possible, in order to give a clear sense of when things were happening, and how each character related to the others. The focus on the nebulous 'you' makes some of this hard to puzzle out from context, and is a big part of why I'm not sure I would have guessed at this being an immortals story... although the 'ten years building' might have tipped me that direction anyways.
Interesting overall, but with a somewhat inscrutable narrative.
That first paragraph especially was hard to grasp. Something about the comma-laden construction of the second line had me re-reading it three or four times to grasp which parts were important.
The inclusion of Flanders fields in the end was an interesting choice; that's a powerful poem, and even by association I felt it added something to the story. I don't know if what I got from it was exactly what you were intending, though... I'm half-expecting your mysterious narrator to start up some sort of vendetta now. :P
If this is, in fact, intended to be the chronicle of an immortal dealing with a family-line, I think your biggest weakness (and one reason I wouldn't have necessarily guessed that myself) is a lack of strong familial identifiers; I think you might have been better off injecting clear genealogical words like 'father, grandfather, son, daughter' as much as possible, in order to give a clear sense of when things were happening, and how each character related to the others. The focus on the nebulous 'you' makes some of this hard to puzzle out from context, and is a big part of why I'm not sure I would have guessed at this being an immortals story... although the 'ten years building' might have tipped me that direction anyways.
Interesting overall, but with a somewhat inscrutable narrative.
This story could use a dose of commas.
Aside from prose/editing problems, (I know the pain of the time crunch) I found this engaging and interesting for the most part. The banter was clever, and the arc was smooth. The ending was odd and a bit weak, to my eye, with that non-sequitur smash cut. It would be easy to dismiss that as an artifact of the word-limit, but... unfortunately, I can only judge the stories as they're written.
Overall, nice work.
Oh, one prosaic nitpick:
This feels, to me, like a piece of narrative smashed into a piece of reflection or abstract thought. I think, with this sort of thing, putting the third sentence in italics to set it off as a thought would read better, or changing it from something indefinite ('those never ended') to something more definite ('these never end') would read better.
Aside from prose/editing problems, (I know the pain of the time crunch) I found this engaging and interesting for the most part. The banter was clever, and the arc was smooth. The ending was odd and a bit weak, to my eye, with that non-sequitur smash cut. It would be easy to dismiss that as an artifact of the word-limit, but... unfortunately, I can only judge the stories as they're written.
Overall, nice work.
Oh, one prosaic nitpick:
I followed him through the barn being careful to avoid Betsy. George opened a large trapdoor and walked down a set of stairs. Wonderful, underground lab, those never ended with us sitting in a pub with a a pint of beer and a steak.
This feels, to me, like a piece of narrative smashed into a piece of reflection or abstract thought. I think, with this sort of thing, putting the third sentence in italics to set it off as a thought would read better, or changing it from something indefinite ('those never ended') to something more definite ('these never end') would read better.
I can't help but feel like this medic is actually supposed to be a personification of Time itself, which has somehow decided to start righting the wrongs in the world.
The 'survived/will survive' thing seems like a pretty clear indication, along with the Paris/Japan thing, that some sort of shenanigans are going down. Not to mention the robes; that hints at something more than 'secret time travel society'; it hints at mystery and tradition, somehow.
I dunno. I like it for the most part, though.
And man, I don't know if this character has good luck, to be saved by this time-traveler twice, or if he's got bad luck, to be caught in two disasters like that in his lifetime. :/
Overall, though, I'd say the biggest weakness in this story is a lack of theme. It's got a hint of mystery to it, but that's about all; no real message or meaning or mood otherwise, as far as I can see.
Mostly well-written and somewhat intriguing, but not very compelling.
The 'survived/will survive' thing seems like a pretty clear indication, along with the Paris/Japan thing, that some sort of shenanigans are going down. Not to mention the robes; that hints at something more than 'secret time travel society'; it hints at mystery and tradition, somehow.
I dunno. I like it for the most part, though.
And man, I don't know if this character has good luck, to be saved by this time-traveler twice, or if he's got bad luck, to be caught in two disasters like that in his lifetime. :/
Overall, though, I'd say the biggest weakness in this story is a lack of theme. It's got a hint of mystery to it, but that's about all; no real message or meaning or mood otherwise, as far as I can see.
Mostly well-written and somewhat intriguing, but not very compelling.
I felt like I was fighting fluff in this one, trying to cut past all the asides and cruft to get down to what you were actually saying.
In the end, I did get an inkling of a core to this story, but... I felt it was weakened drastically by the disjointed trivia about their friends and medical history.
What's the chance of a narrative weakening if you continuously break the flow?
Pretty high, it turns out.
...alright, perhaps that's a bit harsh. Sorry. Perhaps there's a reason you're putting all of that in, and I'm simply failing to grasp it. In that case, perhaps a better reader than me will pick up on it.
I mean, was that maybe what you were going for? A meta-metaphor of some sort? I'd be impressed if you were, but unfortunately, I can't give much credence to something I'm not seeing clearly in the text.
In the end, my best guess at a message is something like: bones strengthen with breakage, hearts weaken. And I do appreciate being able to see that much, but... eh, I dunno. A lot of this feels like style-over-substance, which I have a hard time appreciating.
I have mixed feelings about this one.
In the end, I did get an inkling of a core to this story, but... I felt it was weakened drastically by the disjointed trivia about their friends and medical history.
What's the chance of a narrative weakening if you continuously break the flow?
Pretty high, it turns out.
...alright, perhaps that's a bit harsh. Sorry. Perhaps there's a reason you're putting all of that in, and I'm simply failing to grasp it. In that case, perhaps a better reader than me will pick up on it.
I mean, was that maybe what you were going for? A meta-metaphor of some sort? I'd be impressed if you were, but unfortunately, I can't give much credence to something I'm not seeing clearly in the text.
In the end, my best guess at a message is something like: bones strengthen with breakage, hearts weaken. And I do appreciate being able to see that much, but... eh, I dunno. A lot of this feels like style-over-substance, which I have a hard time appreciating.
I have mixed feelings about this one.
Felsching’s office on Monday to bring his daughter in for another checkup on her asthma. Felsching would make sure he had a piece of his birthday cake saved just for the occasion.
Pronoun confusion is confusing. >.<
I feel like most of the issues here have already been covered in preceding reviews. I'll just add that your last paragraph seems rather... over-the-top in it's attempt to distill horror. You're relying overmuch on modifiers, which don't actually strengthen narrative, but weaken it. Things like 'thickly ringing' and 'pouring wreck', along with 'fresh ocular void' add clunk to a paragraph that should snarl. Try for stronger verbs as you can, and attempt to cut the modifiers; sometimes less is more.
What a wicked web we weave when we seek to deceive
I heard this as: "What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."
...sorry, moving on.
...mmmm...
Another story without much real arc to it.
Not only that, it's really hard to even begin grasping at the character here. The story seems very caught up in describing their circumstances and actions, but we really don't know much about them, except that they did some bad things, and they're being punished for it.
It all seems built up for that last line. And... I mean... it's not a bad line, but I don't think it's nearly enough to justify the weight of words assigned to it, even with the meager wordcount we're allotted. I'd have liked to see something more ambitious, I think, even if it was executed less well.
Mmm... I'm going to have to echo the others here.
I think, if you'd told the narrative in almost exactly the same way, but without the names included, this would have been much stronger. I understand, 'love your readers but don't trust them'; however, I think you're directly revealing things that would be better kept as inferences. The more softly something is revealed, the stronger it will hit, and finding that balance is difficult.
Still, as it is, this is a complete story and I do like what it's saying, so I'll give it good points for that. However, I feel that you're using an axe here when you want scissors.
I think, if you'd told the narrative in almost exactly the same way, but without the names included, this would have been much stronger. I understand, 'love your readers but don't trust them'; however, I think you're directly revealing things that would be better kept as inferences. The more softly something is revealed, the stronger it will hit, and finding that balance is difficult.
Still, as it is, this is a complete story and I do like what it's saying, so I'll give it good points for that. However, I feel that you're using an axe here when you want scissors.
You can only help those who let you.
I feel like Dave's reactions at the beginning were a bit over-the-top; is he really that green? Why? Some signals on that would be nice.
Otherwise, this was well done; deft prose, for the most part, with intelligent meaning and excellent pacing.
Good work, but... a stronger hook would improve this immensely, and 'mushy mesh' threw me for a moment. All in all, I'd say your biggest weakness is your opening.
I feel like Dave's reactions at the beginning were a bit over-the-top; is he really that green? Why? Some signals on that would be nice.
Otherwise, this was well done; deft prose, for the most part, with intelligent meaning and excellent pacing.
Good work, but... a stronger hook would improve this immensely, and 'mushy mesh' threw me for a moment. All in all, I'd say your biggest weakness is your opening.
Hmm, interesting...
This doesn't really fit the 'fairytale' mold for me, in many ways; a little too shades-of-grey. However, the way it plays with those trappings is interesting in it's own manner.
On the one hand, stories as treasure and storytellers as hidden nobility strokes my ego. :) The descriptions were also powerful for me; I like that mythic flair, and you've pretty much nailed it.
On the other hand, there's one part of your myth-weaving that tripped me up, namely the nondescript 'treasure'. What is this? Why do the fairies want it? Would I want it, if I saw it? And this story seemed to really want a moral or message, especially with the fairy-tale trappings. However, I didn't really see one.
Don't surrender eternity for simple treasures?
Don't trust the stars?
Storytelling trades our time away for nothing?
Grandpas are liars?
I just don't know. And I think that's a problem for me here.
This doesn't really fit the 'fairytale' mold for me, in many ways; a little too shades-of-grey. However, the way it plays with those trappings is interesting in it's own manner.
On the one hand, stories as treasure and storytellers as hidden nobility strokes my ego. :) The descriptions were also powerful for me; I like that mythic flair, and you've pretty much nailed it.
On the other hand, there's one part of your myth-weaving that tripped me up, namely the nondescript 'treasure'. What is this? Why do the fairies want it? Would I want it, if I saw it? And this story seemed to really want a moral or message, especially with the fairy-tale trappings. However, I didn't really see one.
Don't surrender eternity for simple treasures?
Don't trust the stars?
Storytelling trades our time away for nothing?
Grandpas are liars?
I just don't know. And I think that's a problem for me here.
Man, I dunno...
I definitely felt some empathy for your character here.
However... and I hesitate to comment on this, because I don't really know how all this works, but I'd like to put down my feelings... is there really that strong a stigma against people who are wounded like that? As far as people with prosthetics go, I can only work from my own feelings, which would mostly be pity, and perhaps a bit of nervousness in how to relate to them. And even that I'm a bit uneasy with; I think a lot of people don't need or even want my pity, but that's... hard to judge. I dunno. I'd definitely have some respect for a guy who went through something like that and made it out alive. Are Dave or the other interviewers really stupid enough to not see that if this guy can charm them, and make it through the entire interview without drawing attention to the prosthetic, that it's probably not going to cause issues anyway?
More than that, if Chris realizes this is going to be a problem - and I feel like he should, from his suggested experience with the matter - does he really just shake the man's hand like that? Beat him to the punch and offer your left. Give him a salute and just leave. Show him earlier, so it doesn't drop at the end like that, and reverse everything. Sure, it would be an uphill battle, but that's better than if the guy thinks you're trying to deceive him.
Anyways, I liked this for what it was, but I couldn't help but feel that something's off about that ending. And that might be my personal misunderstanding, but... it's what I've got to go on.
Oh... and I've been told there's no such thing as a 'former marine'. :P
I definitely felt some empathy for your character here.
However... and I hesitate to comment on this, because I don't really know how all this works, but I'd like to put down my feelings... is there really that strong a stigma against people who are wounded like that? As far as people with prosthetics go, I can only work from my own feelings, which would mostly be pity, and perhaps a bit of nervousness in how to relate to them. And even that I'm a bit uneasy with; I think a lot of people don't need or even want my pity, but that's... hard to judge. I dunno. I'd definitely have some respect for a guy who went through something like that and made it out alive. Are Dave or the other interviewers really stupid enough to not see that if this guy can charm them, and make it through the entire interview without drawing attention to the prosthetic, that it's probably not going to cause issues anyway?
More than that, if Chris realizes this is going to be a problem - and I feel like he should, from his suggested experience with the matter - does he really just shake the man's hand like that? Beat him to the punch and offer your left. Give him a salute and just leave. Show him earlier, so it doesn't drop at the end like that, and reverse everything. Sure, it would be an uphill battle, but that's better than if the guy thinks you're trying to deceive him.
Anyways, I liked this for what it was, but I couldn't help but feel that something's off about that ending. And that might be my personal misunderstanding, but... it's what I've got to go on.
Oh... and I've been told there's no such thing as a 'former marine'. :P
Eh...
I feel like most of the actual 'story' falls in the last third, which is a bit of a problem. Action does, to some extent, help hold interest, but I don't feel like you're doing anything much with the fights and action story-wise... and that's a bit of a problem for me.
This is definitely an interesting interpretation of the prompt, and time-wars are always fun. Some of the phrases you turned were excellent: "they'd been there since tomorrow" and "I read it in next year's report" were especially nice. However, there's also a lot of confusion and mental load that goes along with that, which makes things a bit hard to follow.
Still, this is ambitious, and I appreciate that.
Overall, I feel like this was a good idea, but the execution and word-limits cripple it too heavily for it to show real effect.
I feel like most of the actual 'story' falls in the last third, which is a bit of a problem. Action does, to some extent, help hold interest, but I don't feel like you're doing anything much with the fights and action story-wise... and that's a bit of a problem for me.
This is definitely an interesting interpretation of the prompt, and time-wars are always fun. Some of the phrases you turned were excellent: "they'd been there since tomorrow" and "I read it in next year's report" were especially nice. However, there's also a lot of confusion and mental load that goes along with that, which makes things a bit hard to follow.
Still, this is ambitious, and I appreciate that.
Overall, I feel like this was a good idea, but the execution and word-limits cripple it too heavily for it to show real effect.
This... is definitely reaching far.
However, the weight of emotion it tries to conjure can't quite be supported by the framework you've arranged under it. Things swing a bit too far, a bit too fast. Instead of just giving mood whiplash, however, I'd say this straight-out broke my suspension of disbelief. This woman spends her time reminiscing, but can't even remember this tragic event? I don't think it really works like that.
Still, this was an excellent effort, and some solid craftsmanship in many ways. You may have over-extended yourself, but I appreciate that more than the reverse.
However, the weight of emotion it tries to conjure can't quite be supported by the framework you've arranged under it. Things swing a bit too far, a bit too fast. Instead of just giving mood whiplash, however, I'd say this straight-out broke my suspension of disbelief. This woman spends her time reminiscing, but can't even remember this tragic event? I don't think it really works like that.
Still, this was an excellent effort, and some solid craftsmanship in many ways. You may have over-extended yourself, but I appreciate that more than the reverse.
Georg’s first Round Micro Reviews for Time Heals Most Wounds: Scores are letter grades for Plot, Technical Work, and Characterization, with an E for stories I find particularly Enjoyable. I have them ranked by how I like them, not necessarily how perfect they are on the score. (and posted all at once, from top to bottom so they line up on the chat. (checks) Holy cats, I’ve got 16 on my voting list. Better get started. And grabbed an extra.
Six Candles - A+ — Smooth transitions, vivid descriptions, although the kid’s first name was a little jarring, and the use of ‘bone’ in a cake description likewise. Also, two inches of frosting? Hopefully, the kid wasn’t a diabetic. Excellent twist in the ending. Top tier +
The Red Forest - A- — Awfully purple first sentence. Not too bad, and it does set up the scene, but purple. I did spot the Chernobyl reference, although the language level of this story puts it up above what I normally feel comfortable reading, and I kept expecting a motorcycle to drive by. I’m waffling between a lower vote because of a lack of ‘there’ in the story and a higher vote because of the detail, but I’ll lean to the high end on this one.
Sgt. Ripper - A — Very descriptive, but hard to follow without multiple read-throughs. Time travel stories are a bear to write, twice a bear in the short story contest, and three times when they involve space travel. Enjoyed. Top tier.
A Beautiful Morning - A — For, starters, fewer, commas, please. Other than that, fairly high quality, with a few things I feel like poking. In the second section, there is a little more passive voice than expected, his cane seems to have vanished, and wouldn’t he be writing with a brush, not a quill? Also top tier.
Broken, But Not Gone - A — Lost Cities style alien world story. Nice, but not quite up to the original’s quality. Still, pretty darned good.
Birds of a Feather - A — 100% dialogue, done very well and did not chicken out to a cliche ending. I’m shell-shocked at the fowl humor in this golden egg of a story. Grade A.
Some Food Court Take Out - A- — A little confusing to read through, but a second pass made it make more sense. The scene is still a little ambiguous, but the action and the results are the focus, so that’s ok. This is a much better way to handle combat scenes than some others I’ve seen in this writeoff, but the added complexity of precognition and the mini-mall somewhat damp the action. Nice spike at the end.
Of Time and Indie Game Design - A- — My first winner of the I Don’t Get It award (IDGI), and I’m fairly certain it’s just me, not the story. You have the main character, a burnout with experience, and a secondary character/romantic partner who is inexperienced but talented. Still, fairly interesting and well-presented, I just didn’t get it.
Driving the Last Spike - B+ — Really well described, but leaves the reader clawing a little for air over what is being described. Yeah, yeah, I know. Show, don’t tell. Still, what?
When Time Doesn’t Help - B+ — I like the tagline: Time heals most wounds, for everything else, there’s (censored). Still, it’s fairly simple and repetitive throughout, with a fairly good hook, and a nice punchline.
Time Heals Most Wounds - B — One of the problems with writing combat scenes… well, two of them, is the tendency for an author to try to include *everything* in the text, which slows down the action to a slog, and also to draw back in third-person mode because of it, which puts the reader further away from the action. This story is a good example of the problem. Try rewriting it with a few moments of peace before the first artillery shell came slamming in so you can set the scene before you start blowing it to pieces.
Win The Game - B — Bad case of passive voice in here, which is worse because of such an active scene. Also very telly. Still, it captures the scene well and frames the action, giving a goal and a mental thread to follow through the story.
Long Distance Call - B- — First impression is ‘Chunky’ as in it does not really flow from sentence to sentence. It really fails to grab emotional heartstrings because of the clumsy approach, but there is a spark in here.
It Does Heal Burns Though - C — Horribly chunky, with distracting grammar errors. Another I Didn’t Get It award winner.
I liked the layers of different genres used to tell the story, I think it decouples the experience of the characters from a very specific point in history and give it a certain timeless quality.
It has still some problems. The descriptions need an a bit of an edit to make them more consistent, and the third scene feels underdeveloped respectively to the rest of the story.
A bit more clarity if we are hearing a story being told or if we are living through the delirious memories of one of the brothers shaped by the words of the other would be nice. It doesn't need to be really explicit, a hint in direction of one of this possibilities (or one that points at a third one I haven't considered) would do a lot to improve the story in my opinion.
Still, I liked it and rated it relatively high on my slate.
It has still some problems. The descriptions need an a bit of an edit to make them more consistent, and the third scene feels underdeveloped respectively to the rest of the story.
A bit more clarity if we are hearing a story being told or if we are living through the delirious memories of one of the brothers shaped by the words of the other would be nice. It doesn't need to be really explicit, a hint in direction of one of this possibilities (or one that points at a third one I haven't considered) would do a lot to improve the story in my opinion.
Still, I liked it and rated it relatively high on my slate.
I've found a story I like enough to comment on, but I can only echo the previous reviews. I think this was very well done, and a great twist.
I agree with J in that you should have used William instead of Billiam. Other than that, I feel like this is a top contender.
I agree with J in that you should have used William instead of Billiam. Other than that, I feel like this is a top contender.
Overall not a bad story, though I honestly found the dialogue a little forced/contrived. The reason for that being that the soldiers seemed for the most part to be having a calm, almost unaffected discussion, almost as if they were exploring abstract knowledge rather than sitting in the middle of a fresh and brutal killing field. This would have been a very good opportunity for more showing than telling. Cutting back some probably unneeded dialog might help to overcome the word limit, in that regard.
I don't think it's fair to say that the soldiers making assumptions about the future of the land is incorrect. This story is dealing with our past as their present – they're in a unique position to believe that the land has been utterly destroyed, even if one was to remove the inevitable pessimism a hardened soldier would likely have by that point in the war. They wouldn't be thinking of actual methods to heal the land of toxins and dig up unexploded ordinance. Just staying alive would have been enough, I'd think.
Speaking of which, just to add to that discussion: like Leo said, they're still digging up unexploded German WWII bombs in London after all of this time (a 250kg bomb in London was found and disposed of just last year). Not only might they be inherently more unstable, but as the war progressed, the Germans actually started booby-trapping the fuses to set the bombs off first by slight civilian or bomb disposal contact, and later specifically to kill the bomb disposal engineers. If you're interested, Danger:UXB is an excellent British TV series that follows some Royal Engineers in WWII London, who's job it is to disarm unexploded bombs. It's on DVD, but it also seems to be on Youtube.
I don't think it's fair to say that the soldiers making assumptions about the future of the land is incorrect. This story is dealing with our past as their present – they're in a unique position to believe that the land has been utterly destroyed, even if one was to remove the inevitable pessimism a hardened soldier would likely have by that point in the war. They wouldn't be thinking of actual methods to heal the land of toxins and dig up unexploded ordinance. Just staying alive would have been enough, I'd think.
Speaking of which, just to add to that discussion: like Leo said, they're still digging up unexploded German WWII bombs in London after all of this time (a 250kg bomb in London was found and disposed of just last year). Not only might they be inherently more unstable, but as the war progressed, the Germans actually started booby-trapping the fuses to set the bombs off first by slight civilian or bomb disposal contact, and later specifically to kill the bomb disposal engineers. If you're interested, Danger:UXB is an excellent British TV series that follows some Royal Engineers in WWII London, who's job it is to disarm unexploded bombs. It's on DVD, but it also seems to be on Youtube.
Some English clunkiness throughout: for me to consider her as also a child—as not an adult. is a good example.
Also: There were very few rumors about it at first […] The rumors began after her child was born. is a bit jarring. Either there were, or they weren't but the way you write it is like you shilly-shally.
So mmm… The boy's a robot? Is that another take on *Rosemary's baby*? Left me wondering. As it is, it poses more questions than it solves, so it feels a bit shallow.
Also: There were very few rumors about it at first […] The rumors began after her child was born. is a bit jarring. Either there were, or they weren't but the way you write it is like you shilly-shally.
So mmm… The boy's a robot? Is that another take on *Rosemary's baby*? Left me wondering. As it is, it poses more questions than it solves, so it feels a bit shallow.
Ok I won't nitpick grammar and English, as it was already done.
So that guy delved into necromancy to bring her first and only love back to life, that's what you mean I guess. It's cleverly hidden, and the academic writing is not badly imitated, but it hardly lends itself to telling a story.
So I'm of two minds here. The idea of the disquisition was nice, but at the same time it comes across as very dry.
So that guy delved into necromancy to bring her first and only love back to life, that's what you mean I guess. It's cleverly hidden, and the academic writing is not badly imitated, but it hardly lends itself to telling a story.
So I'm of two minds here. The idea of the disquisition was nice, but at the same time it comes across as very dry.
I'm going to have to agree with the other reviews posted.
Lemme address the first concern: I don't think this counts as a story- don't get me wrong, this is written persuasively and gets the reader to think (That is very good). This comes across as an academic paper- not a short story. As listed above, the piece comes across as very bland and dry. This 'story' lacks an identity or personality, as any short story has.
Not to mention I was a bit confused until the other reviewers shed some light on the subject (so call me ignorant). But, as in any writing, your goal is to get the reader to think- not to confuse- but have individual inferences. I deem it safe to say that confusing a veteran like FrontSevens is grounds for questioning.
TL;DR: Fairly good as a 'persuasive essay', not really a short 'story' though.
Lemme address the first concern: I don't think this counts as a story- don't get me wrong, this is written persuasively and gets the reader to think (That is very good). This comes across as an academic paper- not a short story. As listed above, the piece comes across as very bland and dry. This 'story' lacks an identity or personality, as any short story has.
Not to mention I was a bit confused until the other reviewers shed some light on the subject (so call me ignorant). But, as in any writing, your goal is to get the reader to think- not to confuse- but have individual inferences. I deem it safe to say that confusing a veteran like FrontSevens is grounds for questioning.
TL;DR: Fairly good as a 'persuasive essay', not really a short 'story' though.
>>Trick_Question
Okay? Maybe I wasn't clear enough, but I was actually agreeing with you in that I got the slight feeling of being lectured by the story. Even though, like I said, it didn't bother me.
Okay? Maybe I wasn't clear enough, but I was actually agreeing with you in that I got the slight feeling of being lectured by the story. Even though, like I said, it didn't bother me.
>>Leo
Oh—I thought you meant my review was rude. I'm concerned I may have upset ponies due to the conversations about the tone of the criticism this time.
Oh—I thought you meant my review was rude. I'm concerned I may have upset ponies due to the conversations about the tone of the criticism this time.
Really good prelude and a way to hint at Matias' 'super strength'. You add a bit of imagery and a personality to each and every character. Besides... I always do love a kid beating a bully to a pulp... nice touch.
But, what I have to address is how you leave the ending in reckless abandonment. Like >>MonarchDodora said, your flow is shattered by the fact that you straightaway dispose the subtle hints and go for the kill. By doing that, you give the story a little bit a black eye. there is so many questions unanswered by the last three lines. (Maybe excluding the truck, and having Matias scoff and toddle away, as if nothing had happened)... but then again, What do I know?
Final Concern- (Maybe I'm blind and can see it), but how does this story fit for the prompt "Time Heals Most Wounds"? Maybe it's the passing of time in the village, with the Matias being the scourge of the village brought on by time? That's my best guess.
Anyways, good story... easy to follow.
But, what I have to address is how you leave the ending in reckless abandonment. Like >>MonarchDodora said, your flow is shattered by the fact that you straightaway dispose the subtle hints and go for the kill. By doing that, you give the story a little bit a black eye. there is so many questions unanswered by the last three lines. (Maybe excluding the truck, and having Matias scoff and toddle away, as if nothing had happened)... but then again, What do I know?
Final Concern- (Maybe I'm blind and can see it), but how does this story fit for the prompt "Time Heals Most Wounds"? Maybe it's the passing of time in the village, with the Matias being the scourge of the village brought on by time? That's my best guess.
Anyways, good story... easy to follow.
>>Ratlab
It didn't even strike me that it's in present tense, so that's probably a good sign. In any case it's solid YA style, and I would actually disagree with PinoyPony on the dialogue, I think it's fitting.
My biggest issue with the story is that five characters are introduced within the 750 words. For instance, I could not remember at the end which one was Jake and which one was Brian, and neither could I recall the names of Kestrel or Karen from the top of my head (those are too similar anyway). The problem was not the author doing a poor job in distinguishing between them concept-wise, not at all, it was just too much all at once. I think the story might work better for such a short format if there was just one of the narrator's friends in the scene instead of all three.
>>Aragon
You see, I'm all for being nice to one another, but when I'm going to criticize a story I won't hold back with anything that comes to mind, both positive and negative. And that's exactly how I want my stories to be treated. I haven't seen reviews so far that I perceived as too harsh (I wouldn't like a tradition of bashing either, if that is the development you're concerned about), and I certainly hope that my reviews are not, but let's also not forget that this is not a school talent show. The content on here has been put out for the explicit reason of being criticized and evaluated in a competitive environment. I will try to keep your words in mind, but I can't sugarcoat everything I say, so I don't really know what to do other than just carry on.
I'm not a fan of present tense, but I'll try to ignore it.
It didn't even strike me that it's in present tense, so that's probably a good sign. In any case it's solid YA style, and I would actually disagree with PinoyPony on the dialogue, I think it's fitting.
My biggest issue with the story is that five characters are introduced within the 750 words. For instance, I could not remember at the end which one was Jake and which one was Brian, and neither could I recall the names of Kestrel or Karen from the top of my head (those are too similar anyway). The problem was not the author doing a poor job in distinguishing between them concept-wise, not at all, it was just too much all at once. I think the story might work better for such a short format if there was just one of the narrator's friends in the scene instead of all three.
>>Aragon
You see, I'm all for being nice to one another, but when I'm going to criticize a story I won't hold back with anything that comes to mind, both positive and negative. And that's exactly how I want my stories to be treated. I haven't seen reviews so far that I perceived as too harsh (I wouldn't like a tradition of bashing either, if that is the development you're concerned about), and I certainly hope that my reviews are not, but let's also not forget that this is not a school talent show. The content on here has been put out for the explicit reason of being criticized and evaluated in a competitive environment. I will try to keep your words in mind, but I can't sugarcoat everything I say, so I don't really know what to do other than just carry on.
I'm having mixed feelings about this one.
For one, by reading the first paragraph, I knew that this was something of a sarcastic nature. Sarcasm is not in my taste, but I set my bias aside for it. I will address the voice of the story no further.
Mainly, the message the story is trying to convey (At least what I got) is that waiting for the problem to fix itself is not an option. Very true, but does has some holes. I'm getting on my soapbox here, but I know that waiting doesn't work, along with the rest of the reviewers... The truth for all of us is that you don't get good at writing by waiting for it, you have to sit down and get to work.
...While the opposite is true- waiting in patience for something to come usually is the way to go- such as a package in the mail, or the famous "Stanford Marshmallow" experiment demonstrates.
Sorry, I'm ranting and overthinking things... for the most part, I'm caught between Leo's and FrontSeven's views, if that helps clear up any confusion on why I have mixed feelings
In conclusion, not a bad read, but not one of my favorites either.
For one, by reading the first paragraph, I knew that this was something of a sarcastic nature. Sarcasm is not in my taste, but I set my bias aside for it. I will address the voice of the story no further.
Mainly, the message the story is trying to convey (At least what I got) is that waiting for the problem to fix itself is not an option. Very true, but does has some holes. I'm getting on my soapbox here, but I know that waiting doesn't work, along with the rest of the reviewers... The truth for all of us is that you don't get good at writing by waiting for it, you have to sit down and get to work.
...While the opposite is true- waiting in patience for something to come usually is the way to go- such as a package in the mail, or the famous "Stanford Marshmallow" experiment demonstrates.
Sorry, I'm ranting and overthinking things... for the most part, I'm caught between Leo's and FrontSeven's views, if that helps clear up any confusion on why I have mixed feelings
In conclusion, not a bad read, but not one of my favorites either.
Interesting story and plausible characters. I can see how years in a certain industry can sap any enthusiasm if one had the wrong experiences.
The contradictions in Gregory's criticism area nice touch. The is grasping at excuses, and Sasha knows it. With relatively few sentence you let us know a lot about their past and their current relationship, which goes along way in depicting them as rounded characters wit a larger life than what we see here.
As for the negative criticism, I will echo MonarchDodora: too much is told plainly which makes it appear as if Gregory had a far better understanding of his problems and his world view as what he effectively had. This lessens the sudden epiphany at end and the general impact on the reader.
The contradictions in Gregory's criticism area nice touch. The is grasping at excuses, and Sasha knows it. With relatively few sentence you let us know a lot about their past and their current relationship, which goes along way in depicting them as rounded characters wit a larger life than what we see here.
As for the negative criticism, I will echo MonarchDodora: too much is told plainly which makes it appear as if Gregory had a far better understanding of his problems and his world view as what he effectively had. This lessens the sudden epiphany at end and the general impact on the reader.
>>PinoyPony
Lol, first of all, I wouldn’t consider myself the smartest person that frequents these writeoffs. I do appreciate the complement, but I’ve never taken to story-puzzles (as I believe this one is). If I’m confused by something, sometimes it’s not a problem for anyone else, so it’s not grounds for questioning, I don’t think. But thanks. :P However, the fact that I’m not the only one confused is grounds for questioning.
Second, I’d like to revisit this one because I feel that I sounded too harsh in my initial review. I was just frustrated from being confused. I will now go back and reread and try to figure out what’s happening as far as I can tell (I should note, this was difficult for me to do) in an effort to try to figure out what my issue was specifically with this story:
Paragraph 1: There’s an old document that a now-dead author wrote.
Paragraph 2: The document is mostly written in some unknown language(s).
Paragraph 3: Okay, so there are details about the author, some things that he’s done and that he was dark and possibly insane (though he believes he's not insane and he has demon powers or something), all of which I’d argue is backstory as opposed to plot.
Paragraph 4: He was in love with Emily, and I guess there were two Emilys.
Last part: The only legible part of the document is “For Emily”.
First, I think it’s important to note that the fact that I’m doing this is a sign that my immersion was definitely broken. In general, any time a reader has to reread something (a sentence, a paragraph, the whole story) hurts the flow of the story, and often their immersion, as was the case with me personally. To name another example, anytime a reader has to look up a word (for instance, grimoire and immolation, which I didn’t know off the top of my head and couldn’t imply from context) hurts the flow of the story.
Second, as I noted above, this is more backstory than plot. Even then, paragraphs 1, 2, and 4 were simple things to note but buried enough under elaborate / dry / technical verbiage that they needlessly (imo) confused the information.
Is it out of bounds to write in a realistic technical, academic voice? No, I don’t think so. If you’re trying to emulate a dry textbook, for whatever artistic reason, cool. I can't think of a specific example where it works, but I don’t doubt that in a certain application and in a certain execution, it contributes to a story in some meaningful way.
However, it’s hard for me to get invested in something that’s labour-intensive just to read. Maybe if it was worded a slightly different way, or if more story was involved and less technicalities like whether or not the author’s language had any “elemental similarities to Nordic runes[2], the Cyrillic alphabet, and period English-German alphabets”, then perhaps I wouldn’t have had an issue with it. And hey, maybe I’m just not the target audience here. But if I could make a suggestion, it’d be that whatever your intention was with this story, it’s important to write with your audience in mind. I don’t imagine all of the readers here are academic scholars. I know I’m not.
Lol, first of all, I wouldn’t consider myself the smartest person that frequents these writeoffs. I do appreciate the complement, but I’ve never taken to story-puzzles (as I believe this one is). If I’m confused by something, sometimes it’s not a problem for anyone else, so it’s not grounds for questioning, I don’t think. But thanks. :P However, the fact that I’m not the only one confused is grounds for questioning.
Second, I’d like to revisit this one because I feel that I sounded too harsh in my initial review. I was just frustrated from being confused. I will now go back and reread and try to figure out what’s happening as far as I can tell (I should note, this was difficult for me to do) in an effort to try to figure out what my issue was specifically with this story:
Paragraph 1: There’s an old document that a now-dead author wrote.
Paragraph 2: The document is mostly written in some unknown language(s).
Paragraph 3: Okay, so there are details about the author, some things that he’s done and that he was dark and possibly insane (though he believes he's not insane and he has demon powers or something), all of which I’d argue is backstory as opposed to plot.
Paragraph 4: He was in love with Emily, and I guess there were two Emilys.
Last part: The only legible part of the document is “For Emily”.
First, I think it’s important to note that the fact that I’m doing this is a sign that my immersion was definitely broken. In general, any time a reader has to reread something (a sentence, a paragraph, the whole story) hurts the flow of the story, and often their immersion, as was the case with me personally. To name another example, anytime a reader has to look up a word (for instance, grimoire and immolation, which I didn’t know off the top of my head and couldn’t imply from context) hurts the flow of the story.
Second, as I noted above, this is more backstory than plot. Even then, paragraphs 1, 2, and 4 were simple things to note but buried enough under elaborate / dry / technical verbiage that they needlessly (imo) confused the information.
Is it out of bounds to write in a realistic technical, academic voice? No, I don’t think so. If you’re trying to emulate a dry textbook, for whatever artistic reason, cool. I can't think of a specific example where it works, but I don’t doubt that in a certain application and in a certain execution, it contributes to a story in some meaningful way.
However, it’s hard for me to get invested in something that’s labour-intensive just to read. Maybe if it was worded a slightly different way, or if more story was involved and less technicalities like whether or not the author’s language had any “elemental similarities to Nordic runes[2], the Cyrillic alphabet, and period English-German alphabets”, then perhaps I wouldn’t have had an issue with it. And hey, maybe I’m just not the target audience here. But if I could make a suggestion, it’d be that whatever your intention was with this story, it’s important to write with your audience in mind. I don’t imagine all of the readers here are academic scholars. I know I’m not.
Amazing...
Though the story doesn't describe characters or any of the development of them, it does use the scene to paint the picture of Conflict, or more likely, a conflict from long ago. This is simply a work of art.
To be honest, I didn't catch that the scene was Chernobyl until the above reviewers mentioned it.
I did, however, catch the hints of the five-legged cicada and Celtic lettering as dissonant and out of place. That adds a little more taste to the story. Who cares if this story ventures into "purple" territory or not?
Whoever wrote this, they've earned my respect and a place in the top of my vote.
Though the story doesn't describe characters or any of the development of them, it does use the scene to paint the picture of Conflict, or more likely, a conflict from long ago. This is simply a work of art.
To be honest, I didn't catch that the scene was Chernobyl until the above reviewers mentioned it.
I did, however, catch the hints of the five-legged cicada and Celtic lettering as dissonant and out of place. That adds a little more taste to the story. Who cares if this story ventures into "purple" territory or not?
Whoever wrote this, they've earned my respect and a place in the top of my vote.
Pleasantly Surprising.
Evidently Silly in nature, yet having a deep thought hidden- these types are rare, usually you can't get 'funny' and 'meaningful' together in one story, but let this be an anomaly.
...It does get the reader's mind thinking, even though some of it may seem like nonsense, each has a place in the story, no matter how weird or odd. Well done.
Definitely a good read.
Evidently Silly in nature, yet having a deep thought hidden- these types are rare, usually you can't get 'funny' and 'meaningful' together in one story, but let this be an anomaly.
...It does get the reader's mind thinking, even though some of it may seem like nonsense, each has a place in the story, no matter how weird or odd. Well done.
Definitely a good read.
While the premise and the storyline are not my cup of tea... the story amazed me.
Well, I'm sorta biased... I had a similar experience, only with balloons... so call me crazy, but the balloons had a certain meaning behind them, as did this tiny box. Eventually they ran out of helium, and I had to say goodbye, but that's besides the point at hand.
What I'm saying is that any of us, have to find a little meaning, whether we like it or not. Life isn't about passing through, but some people unfortunately take that path. What this story demonstrated is that we need something to hang onto, like a picture of family, or in this case, a box.
A well played card, 'Twas a good read.
Well, I'm sorta biased... I had a similar experience, only with balloons... so call me crazy, but the balloons had a certain meaning behind them, as did this tiny box. Eventually they ran out of helium, and I had to say goodbye, but that's besides the point at hand.
What I'm saying is that any of us, have to find a little meaning, whether we like it or not. Life isn't about passing through, but some people unfortunately take that path. What this story demonstrated is that we need something to hang onto, like a picture of family, or in this case, a box.
A well played card, 'Twas a good read.
You paint an interesting world here, Writer. I like how you use abstraction and one-line references to prompt the reader to fill in the blanks with their own imagination, leading the story to feel more robust than it actually is. This is a good thing, especially considering the constraints of the competition. I particularly like how you handled The Game, spending only a handful of sentences on the generalities and none of the specifics - all that matters to the story is the wager, and that Jeremia won, which keeps the story focused.
Mechanically, there are a few things that can be shifted around to make the narrative a bit clearer. The first few lines of the story leave some ambiguity as to who the narrator is unimpressed by; you may want to shift the sentences regarding the newcomer together, and move up the narrator's disdain, so that it's clear that Jeremia is the target. Also, at the end of the story, if the two lines above the line break are supposed to be the note referenced immediately below the line break, then the note should be below the line break as well. You may want to consider italicizing the text of the note, or putting it in quotes, to further differentiate it from the rest of the story.
A quick note on attribution - the story starts with the phrase "Jeremia's flaming skull cackled". At first I thought the skull was a separate object in the possession of a person named Jeremia; it's only later on when Jeremia dispels the illusion that I realized he had been pulling a Ghost Rider up to that point. Consider rearranging the sentence so that it reads more like "Jeremia cackled, flames licking at his skull, as he...".
All told, Writer, this is a good premise for a story. This was a strong start to my slate.
Mechanically, there are a few things that can be shifted around to make the narrative a bit clearer. The first few lines of the story leave some ambiguity as to who the narrator is unimpressed by; you may want to shift the sentences regarding the newcomer together, and move up the narrator's disdain, so that it's clear that Jeremia is the target. Also, at the end of the story, if the two lines above the line break are supposed to be the note referenced immediately below the line break, then the note should be below the line break as well. You may want to consider italicizing the text of the note, or putting it in quotes, to further differentiate it from the rest of the story.
A quick note on attribution - the story starts with the phrase "Jeremia's flaming skull cackled". At first I thought the skull was a separate object in the possession of a person named Jeremia; it's only later on when Jeremia dispels the illusion that I realized he had been pulling a Ghost Rider up to that point. Consider rearranging the sentence so that it reads more like "Jeremia cackled, flames licking at his skull, as he...".
All told, Writer, this is a good premise for a story. This was a strong start to my slate.