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Of Time and Indie Game Design
"I'm telling you, this is stupid!" Gregory crossed his arms. In truth he was jealous. He should have come up with the idea. "There's no way anyone would play this. I'll have to spend weeks fixing the concept, not to mention balancing things out." Damn it, Sasha! Why did you have to be so good!
"Are you sure?" Sasha looked at him, puzzled. "I thought it was good. My sister said she enjoyed it..."
"You played it with your sister?!" Gregory slapped his face. "Are you crazy? What if she steals the idea?"
"She's my sister, Greg." Sasha narrowed her eyes. "She won't do that to me. Besides, who will she tell? It's not like she wants to get into the industry."
Gregory didn't say anything. He had spent years of his life trying to make it big, taking all sorts of game classes, getting in touch with the right people, finding a job at the right place. By all standards he was on the path to industry greatness. The only problem was that he had stopped having ideas. Working on a job from nine to nine left him little time and even less creativity to devote to his own projects. In contrast, Sasha had no professional experience whatsoever. Everything she knew she had learned by playing, as well as having a few mentoring sessions from Gregory. Despite that, she came up with the most brilliant ideas.
"Anyway, I still think you should change the name," Gregory grumbled, his eyes not leaving the prototype on the floor. "All this thing about time equating wounds, doesn't work."
"And why not?" Now it was Sasha's turn to cross her arms. "What's wrong with that?"
"Too abstract. Half your target audience will skip it because it'll make them feel stupid. The rest will claim it's too niche, give it a few mediocre reviews and bury it under tons of stupid articles on their blogs." Why can't you see? Originality never is a plus! "You keep thinking fluff and aesthetics, while you should be focusing on audience and mechanics."
"But time heals all wounds!" Sasha wouldn't give up. "You know that, I know that, everyone knows that!"
"You're still thinking top-down approach," Gregory grumbled. Why do the best ideas come to those with the least understanding? "And what's with the two types of wounds? Some get healed by skipping turns, others don't. Where's the logic in that?"
"Well, time can't heal all wounds." Sasha frowned. "Just look at you."
"Yeah, right." Gregory grabbed a pen and a sheet of paper. "Based on your stats the game is just—" he suddenly stopped. He had just realized what Sasha had said. "What do you mean?" He asked quietly, feeling a dull cold pain in his stomach.
"Err, you're probably right." Sasha looked away. "You've been doing this stuff for years. I've just read a few books. What do I know?" She tried to laugh it away, but it was too late. Gregory was looking at her expectantly. "It's really no big deal. I'll think of something else and—"
"What do you mean?" he repeated.
"Look, I didn't mean it. You've helped me a lot and I'm just being mean and..." She paused. By the looks of things stalling was only making matters worse. Gregory wanted an answer. "You used to enjoy new ideas once. Now you get more and more bitter with each year."
Gregory felt as if he had been turned inside out. His first reaction was to refuse to believe it. All those years he had gained knowledge, excellence, experience... not bitterness. He still enjoyed lots of stuff! He was probably just upset because Sasha had come up with the idea and not him. It happens. However, the more he thought about it, the less certain he was. What if she was right? What if time had made that particular wound worse?
"You were the inspiration for this, you know," Sasha said, starting to gather the game components. "I thought I'd be able to remind you of what you were. But if it isn't good enough..."
"It's..." Gregory felt the words stuck in his throat. "It's a great idea. But it will never sell," he added with a sad smile. "It's a gem and will never sell..."
"You're probably right." Sasha put the components away, then sat beside him. "But I don't care." She kissed him on the cheek. The prototype had served its purpose. Time would do the rest.
"Are you sure?" Sasha looked at him, puzzled. "I thought it was good. My sister said she enjoyed it..."
"You played it with your sister?!" Gregory slapped his face. "Are you crazy? What if she steals the idea?"
"She's my sister, Greg." Sasha narrowed her eyes. "She won't do that to me. Besides, who will she tell? It's not like she wants to get into the industry."
Gregory didn't say anything. He had spent years of his life trying to make it big, taking all sorts of game classes, getting in touch with the right people, finding a job at the right place. By all standards he was on the path to industry greatness. The only problem was that he had stopped having ideas. Working on a job from nine to nine left him little time and even less creativity to devote to his own projects. In contrast, Sasha had no professional experience whatsoever. Everything she knew she had learned by playing, as well as having a few mentoring sessions from Gregory. Despite that, she came up with the most brilliant ideas.
"Anyway, I still think you should change the name," Gregory grumbled, his eyes not leaving the prototype on the floor. "All this thing about time equating wounds, doesn't work."
"And why not?" Now it was Sasha's turn to cross her arms. "What's wrong with that?"
"Too abstract. Half your target audience will skip it because it'll make them feel stupid. The rest will claim it's too niche, give it a few mediocre reviews and bury it under tons of stupid articles on their blogs." Why can't you see? Originality never is a plus! "You keep thinking fluff and aesthetics, while you should be focusing on audience and mechanics."
"But time heals all wounds!" Sasha wouldn't give up. "You know that, I know that, everyone knows that!"
"You're still thinking top-down approach," Gregory grumbled. Why do the best ideas come to those with the least understanding? "And what's with the two types of wounds? Some get healed by skipping turns, others don't. Where's the logic in that?"
"Well, time can't heal all wounds." Sasha frowned. "Just look at you."
"Yeah, right." Gregory grabbed a pen and a sheet of paper. "Based on your stats the game is just—" he suddenly stopped. He had just realized what Sasha had said. "What do you mean?" He asked quietly, feeling a dull cold pain in his stomach.
"Err, you're probably right." Sasha looked away. "You've been doing this stuff for years. I've just read a few books. What do I know?" She tried to laugh it away, but it was too late. Gregory was looking at her expectantly. "It's really no big deal. I'll think of something else and—"
"What do you mean?" he repeated.
"Look, I didn't mean it. You've helped me a lot and I'm just being mean and..." She paused. By the looks of things stalling was only making matters worse. Gregory wanted an answer. "You used to enjoy new ideas once. Now you get more and more bitter with each year."
Gregory felt as if he had been turned inside out. His first reaction was to refuse to believe it. All those years he had gained knowledge, excellence, experience... not bitterness. He still enjoyed lots of stuff! He was probably just upset because Sasha had come up with the idea and not him. It happens. However, the more he thought about it, the less certain he was. What if she was right? What if time had made that particular wound worse?
"You were the inspiration for this, you know," Sasha said, starting to gather the game components. "I thought I'd be able to remind you of what you were. But if it isn't good enough..."
"It's..." Gregory felt the words stuck in his throat. "It's a great idea. But it will never sell," he added with a sad smile. "It's a gem and will never sell..."
"You're probably right." Sasha put the components away, then sat beside him. "But I don't care." She kissed him on the cheek. The prototype had served its purpose. Time would do the rest.
A solid read with a full story arc; I know how hard that is, now, having failed to get my own in on time >.>
Watch for redundancies; that is, telling the reader the same thing multiple times. For example:
- is followed at the end of the paragraph with:
- which tells us he is jealous a second time, and in a more show-y than tell-y way. So the first quote can be sliced.
A couple others:
Slicing these out will concentrate the emotion of your writing without losing any of its meaning. And you get extra wordcount to play with, besides.
Closely related to redundancies, watch for telling, where you just outright state what's going on. That big chunk of exposition about Greg's life, ("He had spent years of his life trying to make it big, taking all sorts of game classes... ") was a particular stone in the road; it would be better served as dialogue as part of their conversation, for example:
That exposition jarrs further down, too, because the way it's written suggests that it's what Gregory is thinking during the argument; therefore, it looks like Gregory knows that his problem is a lack of creativity, which makes his sudden am-I-actually-wrong moment at the end seem weird.
I wasn't much a fan of the kiss at the end; is that something a co-worker would do? If they're closer than that, it was never hinted before now; to me they were the picture-perfect model of strictly work-colleagues only.
TLDR: Your spelling is good and your grammar is solid. Slice down the redundancies and incorporate exposition into the scene, and you'll have a heavy-hitter in your hands.
Watch for redundancies; that is, telling the reader the same thing multiple times. For example:
In truth he was jealous. He should have come up with the idea.
- is followed at the end of the paragraph with:
Damn it, Sasha! Why did you have to be so good!
- which tells us he is jealous a second time, and in a more show-y than tell-y way. So the first quote can be sliced.
A couple others:
"Are you sure?" Sasha looked at him, puzzled.
"Based on your stats the game is just—" he suddenly stopped. He had just realized what Sasha had said.
Slicing these out will concentrate the emotion of your writing without losing any of its meaning. And you get extra wordcount to play with, besides.
Closely related to redundancies, watch for telling, where you just outright state what's going on. That big chunk of exposition about Greg's life, ("He had spent years of his life trying to make it big, taking all sorts of game classes... ") was a particular stone in the road; it would be better served as dialogue as part of their conversation, for example:
"Excuse me, but I didn't spend five years and thousands of pounds learning to code so some jumped-up lit student with a game addiction could tell me how to do my job!"
That exposition jarrs further down, too, because the way it's written suggests that it's what Gregory is thinking during the argument; therefore, it looks like Gregory knows that his problem is a lack of creativity, which makes his sudden am-I-actually-wrong moment at the end seem weird.
I wasn't much a fan of the kiss at the end; is that something a co-worker would do? If they're closer than that, it was never hinted before now; to me they were the picture-perfect model of strictly work-colleagues only.
TLDR: Your spelling is good and your grammar is solid. Slice down the redundancies and incorporate exposition into the scene, and you'll have a heavy-hitter in your hands.
[This story was read during our fic-reading event in the Discord chat (a recording of which will probably be available soon). This review will be a combination of my own thoughts on the story and what other people in the chat were saying about it.]
There was some discussion about some apparent contradiction in what Greg says about his experiences, and I think that his opinions of the game seem a bit contradictory at times. The kiss also seemed like it might have been a bit much, as we weren't sure if you were trying to imply some sort of present or future relationship between Greg and Sasha.
Still, it's a good story overall, and using indie game design of all things to tell it certainly makes it interesting.
There was some discussion about some apparent contradiction in what Greg says about his experiences, and I think that his opinions of the game seem a bit contradictory at times. The kiss also seemed like it might have been a bit much, as we weren't sure if you were trying to imply some sort of present or future relationship between Greg and Sasha.
Still, it's a good story overall, and using indie game design of all things to tell it certainly makes it interesting.
Of Time and Indie Game Design - A- — My first winner of the I Don’t Get It award (IDGI), and I’m fairly certain it’s just me, not the story. You have the main character, a burnout with experience, and a secondary character/romantic partner who is inexperienced but talented. Still, fairly interesting and well-presented, I just didn’t get it.
Interesting story and plausible characters. I can see how years in a certain industry can sap any enthusiasm if one had the wrong experiences.
The contradictions in Gregory's criticism area nice touch. The is grasping at excuses, and Sasha knows it. With relatively few sentence you let us know a lot about their past and their current relationship, which goes along way in depicting them as rounded characters wit a larger life than what we see here.
As for the negative criticism, I will echo MonarchDodora: too much is told plainly which makes it appear as if Gregory had a far better understanding of his problems and his world view as what he effectively had. This lessens the sudden epiphany at end and the general impact on the reader.
The contradictions in Gregory's criticism area nice touch. The is grasping at excuses, and Sasha knows it. With relatively few sentence you let us know a lot about their past and their current relationship, which goes along way in depicting them as rounded characters wit a larger life than what we see here.
As for the negative criticism, I will echo MonarchDodora: too much is told plainly which makes it appear as if Gregory had a far better understanding of his problems and his world view as what he effectively had. This lessens the sudden epiphany at end and the general impact on the reader.
It's once again a case of show, don't tell. I agree that by adopting the third person limited PoV and telling us what Gregory feels you spilled most of the beans, and that's a bummer.
The idea stems of the eternal conflict between the experienced but average craftsman versus the genius – it could be transposed to art, for example. The prompt feels a bit shoehorned. It looks like you had that idea and tried to twist it to make it fit, which comes across as slightly awkward.
But otherwise it's aptly written, the story flows nicely and is well laid out.
The idea stems of the eternal conflict between the experienced but average craftsman versus the genius – it could be transposed to art, for example. The prompt feels a bit shoehorned. It looks like you had that idea and tried to twist it to make it fit, which comes across as slightly awkward.
But otherwise it's aptly written, the story flows nicely and is well laid out.
This is a nice story. The way the character of Gregory unfolds is good, and his emotions actually progress over the course of the scene, which makes for a well-working structure.
I agree with >>MonarchDodora on that you could prune a bit, but that's not a major complaint from my side.
What I do want to criticize, however, is that the relationship between Sasha and Gregory is never introduced. In the beginning, I felt as if they were just collegues (and MonarchDodora mentioned this as well), but then it becomes obvious that they have some sort of closer relationship. Only in the very last paragraph she kisses him on the cheek, which the majority of readers will probably interpret as a romantical gesture (even though it's not unambiguous either). I think it should be made clear from the start how they stand towards each other.
Another thing that is not introduced is in what sort of place and situation the characters are. The scene is never set, resulting in a case of the infamous talking heads syndrome. It seems that Sasha is showing Gregory some prototype things that relate to her game idea, or at least I think that that's the case, but it really comes down to guessing.
I agree with >>MonarchDodora on that you could prune a bit, but that's not a major complaint from my side.
What I do want to criticize, however, is that the relationship between Sasha and Gregory is never introduced. In the beginning, I felt as if they were just collegues (and MonarchDodora mentioned this as well), but then it becomes obvious that they have some sort of closer relationship. Only in the very last paragraph she kisses him on the cheek, which the majority of readers will probably interpret as a romantical gesture (even though it's not unambiguous either). I think it should be made clear from the start how they stand towards each other.
Another thing that is not introduced is in what sort of place and situation the characters are. The scene is never set, resulting in a case of the infamous talking heads syndrome. It seems that Sasha is showing Gregory some prototype things that relate to her game idea, or at least I think that that's the case, but it really comes down to guessing.
Not really a review, just noting one thing I didn't see any reviewers mention:
Mind your perspective. Third-person omniscient is rare and somewhat distracting, and if you're in third-person limited, you're jumping from Sasha's perspective in the first paragraph to Gregory's in the second.
"Look, I didn't mean it. You've helped me a lot and I'm just being mean and..." She paused. By the looks of things stalling was only making matters worse. Gregory wanted an answer. "You used to enjoy new ideas once. Now you get more and more bitter with each year."
Gregory felt as if he had been turned inside out. His first reaction was to refuse to believe it. All those years he had gained knowledge, excellence, experience... not bitterness. He still enjoyed lots of stuff!
Mind your perspective. Third-person omniscient is rare and somewhat distracting, and if you're in third-person limited, you're jumping from Sasha's perspective in the first paragraph to Gregory's in the second.
>>MonarchDodora
>>The_Letter_J
>>georg
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>Monokeras
>>Trick_Question
>>Leo
>>horizon
Thanks for the review, all :) Hope you enjoyed.
And in case you're wondering, yes the two are in (the starting phase of) a relationship. They just chose different paths in life. :)
P.S. Trick for best reviewer :D
>>The_Letter_J
>>georg
>>Orbiting_kettle
>>Monokeras
>>Trick_Question
>>Leo
>>horizon
Thanks for the review, all :) Hope you enjoyed.
And in case you're wondering, yes the two are in (the starting phase of) a relationship. They just chose different paths in life. :)
P.S. Trick for best reviewer :D
>>LiseEclaire
This was one of the most interesting and creative fics in terms of the message within its setting. I liked it better than the one that medaled. :derpytongue2:
This was one of the most interesting and creative fics in terms of the message within its setting. I liked it better than the one that medaled. :derpytongue2: