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Khan
Khan lay belly up in the sunshine on a rock, a soft snore rumbling in his throat, his tail flicking idly back and forth. The yearling Bengal Tiger bore at least some of the fluff of adolescence, but Khan was still a two hundred kilo mass of muscle and teeth. He was one of the deadliest creatures of the modern era, at least when he could be bothered to wake up.
“What am I looking at?” Jane Summers exclaimed, watching through the bars of the enclosure. She was a slight woman, dressed in well worn khakis, a had a scowl etched on her face. In fairness, the scowl was in part to to the pile of meat that sat less than a dozen feet away, slowly beginning to stink as the San-Francisco sun blazed down. It was only in part, however.
“Eh, what are you going to do, throw rocks?” William observed, leaning his ponderous bulk on his spade. “Tigers sleep eighteen hours a day.”
Jane glared at him.
“What?”
“I’ve studied big cats for ten years,” she snapped. “I know how long they sleep.”
Willian gave a slow shrug. “Then what are you angry about? They’re lazy dicks.”
“They’re not lazy,” Jane corrected, drawing in air through her clenched teeth. “They are highly efficient killing machines with senses honed to a razor's edge. Conserving energy when not on the hunt by sleeping is just good evolutionary sense.”
Will shrugged again. “Seems lazy to me. Sure you don’t want me to throw a rock?”
“He should have already taken the meat!” Jane exclaimed, slamming a hand against the bars. “What the heck is wrong with this cat?”
“Too smart for his own good, this one. He knows ain’t no-one coming to take his dinner.”
“God damn it.” Jane pressed her fingers against her head. “Every year they get more and more like this. Every zoo is worse.”
William frowned. “More like what?”
“Urgh, this—” Jane waved a hand at the dozing tiger. “—Lazy, stupid, tame. I mean really, what’s the goddamn point of keeping a cat like Kahn behind bars these days?”
A silence descended between the pair as they stared at the tiger. Jane with such such intensity that it was remarkable the cat didn’t burst into flames, Willian with weary indifference. “Sells stuffed toys, I guess,” he observed at last.
“Yeah.” Jane’s face twisted into a bitter grimace. “And not a lot else. He’s supposed to be the future of the species you know? They’re going to have another go at trying to re-introduce them back into India. Look at him. He’s not a tiger.”
“Seems to have the stripes for it.”
Jane shot him a dirty look. “You know what I mean. Look at him, he’s damn near domesticated. He doesn’t know how to hunt, he doesn’t know how to attract a mate or stalk prey. He’s just a big dumb rug we feed every other day, and if we release him into the wild he’d be a literal rug on some billionaire's floor within the week.”
Groaning she pressed her forehead against the bars. Inside the enclosure Khan continued to slumber, oblivious. “Why do we even bother? I’ve been trying to save these cats for half my life and what have I got to show for it? A spreadsheet to stop them all from dying from inbreeding, a dozen apology letters from the people who let them go extinct and a couple hundred walking rugs that wouldn’t know a gazelle if it kicked them in the face.”
Willan put a hand on her shoulder. “Hey. Don’t beat yourself up so much. I’m sure I can find an old air-horn or something to wake old Khan up.”
She brushed him off. “Why bother?” she said, with a weary sigh. “What good am I going to do here even if he wakes up? He’s not the future, he’s not teaching cubs how to hunt or carving out a range. He’s a relic. A fat, lazy cat who won’t even wake up for dinner and do you know the worse part of it all? It’s all our fault. We killed the tigers.”
“We’ve still got a tiger,” William pointed out.
Jane stared for a long moment at the cat. “It’s not enough just to keep them in cages, there’s more to an animal than its DNA.” Shaking her head she turned on her heel and began to walk away as Khan slumbered on.
“What am I looking at?” Jane Summers exclaimed, watching through the bars of the enclosure. She was a slight woman, dressed in well worn khakis, a had a scowl etched on her face. In fairness, the scowl was in part to to the pile of meat that sat less than a dozen feet away, slowly beginning to stink as the San-Francisco sun blazed down. It was only in part, however.
“Eh, what are you going to do, throw rocks?” William observed, leaning his ponderous bulk on his spade. “Tigers sleep eighteen hours a day.”
Jane glared at him.
“What?”
“I’ve studied big cats for ten years,” she snapped. “I know how long they sleep.”
Willian gave a slow shrug. “Then what are you angry about? They’re lazy dicks.”
“They’re not lazy,” Jane corrected, drawing in air through her clenched teeth. “They are highly efficient killing machines with senses honed to a razor's edge. Conserving energy when not on the hunt by sleeping is just good evolutionary sense.”
Will shrugged again. “Seems lazy to me. Sure you don’t want me to throw a rock?”
“He should have already taken the meat!” Jane exclaimed, slamming a hand against the bars. “What the heck is wrong with this cat?”
“Too smart for his own good, this one. He knows ain’t no-one coming to take his dinner.”
“God damn it.” Jane pressed her fingers against her head. “Every year they get more and more like this. Every zoo is worse.”
William frowned. “More like what?”
“Urgh, this—” Jane waved a hand at the dozing tiger. “—Lazy, stupid, tame. I mean really, what’s the goddamn point of keeping a cat like Kahn behind bars these days?”
A silence descended between the pair as they stared at the tiger. Jane with such such intensity that it was remarkable the cat didn’t burst into flames, Willian with weary indifference. “Sells stuffed toys, I guess,” he observed at last.
“Yeah.” Jane’s face twisted into a bitter grimace. “And not a lot else. He’s supposed to be the future of the species you know? They’re going to have another go at trying to re-introduce them back into India. Look at him. He’s not a tiger.”
“Seems to have the stripes for it.”
Jane shot him a dirty look. “You know what I mean. Look at him, he’s damn near domesticated. He doesn’t know how to hunt, he doesn’t know how to attract a mate or stalk prey. He’s just a big dumb rug we feed every other day, and if we release him into the wild he’d be a literal rug on some billionaire's floor within the week.”
Groaning she pressed her forehead against the bars. Inside the enclosure Khan continued to slumber, oblivious. “Why do we even bother? I’ve been trying to save these cats for half my life and what have I got to show for it? A spreadsheet to stop them all from dying from inbreeding, a dozen apology letters from the people who let them go extinct and a couple hundred walking rugs that wouldn’t know a gazelle if it kicked them in the face.”
Willan put a hand on her shoulder. “Hey. Don’t beat yourself up so much. I’m sure I can find an old air-horn or something to wake old Khan up.”
She brushed him off. “Why bother?” she said, with a weary sigh. “What good am I going to do here even if he wakes up? He’s not the future, he’s not teaching cubs how to hunt or carving out a range. He’s a relic. A fat, lazy cat who won’t even wake up for dinner and do you know the worse part of it all? It’s all our fault. We killed the tigers.”
“We’ve still got a tiger,” William pointed out.
Jane stared for a long moment at the cat. “It’s not enough just to keep them in cages, there’s more to an animal than its DNA.” Shaking her head she turned on her heel and began to walk away as Khan slumbered on.
The story is telly with Jane as the author's mouth. It'd be nice if you could inject more show into it. Currently it's a speech disguised as a narrative between two characters, which is an easy way to format a minific but something short of a story with meat.
This was a highly confusing way to say, "there was something else bothering Jane".
It was only in part, however.
This was a highly confusing way to say, "there was something else bothering Jane".
The intro paragraph was good, but then Jane's first line threw me for a loop when I read it cold; I thought she was some tour guide or prissy, high-bred customer. I didn't get enough context to understand it until seven or eight lines later.
I can see >>Trick_Question's point, but the disguise was good enough that it didn't particularly bother me when I was reading it. More environment description would be nice. I'm not sure where they are that Willan would have a spade - most of the areas outside of the enclosures are usually paved, in my experience.
I'm a little surprised that a zoo employee would be so cavalier about throwing rocks at the exhibits, as well as Willan referring to him as 'old Khan' when he's a yearling.
Those were minor complaints, though. In general, I found the story interesting and coherent, and I can't help but wonder how much of it is actually true to life.
I can see >>Trick_Question's point, but the disguise was good enough that it didn't particularly bother me when I was reading it. More environment description would be nice. I'm not sure where they are that Willan would have a spade - most of the areas outside of the enclosures are usually paved, in my experience.
I'm a little surprised that a zoo employee would be so cavalier about throwing rocks at the exhibits, as well as Willan referring to him as 'old Khan' when he's a yearling.
Those were minor complaints, though. In general, I found the story interesting and coherent, and I can't help but wonder how much of it is actually true to life.
>>Trick_Question
This is definitely something to keep in mind - there is this slight feeling of being lectured. Personally I didn't have an issue with it though.
Setting up the two characters for a discussion to convey information is a simple yet effective. Their emotions are also portrayed well, Jane being frustrated and Willian trying to cheer her up. What I have a bit of a problem with is that Jane insists "they're not lazy" at first and then, a minute later, claims that Khan is lazy. I understand that she is complaining about his individual behavior as opposed to the general nature of tigers, but I think it is a little confusing.
The weakness of the story is the ending, which doesn't really come to a conclusion. It just drags on for the last 6-8 paragraphs, basically repeating the point that has already been made.
>>Ratlab
This is definitely something to keep in mind - there is this slight feeling of being lectured. Personally I didn't have an issue with it though.
Setting up the two characters for a discussion to convey information is a simple yet effective. Their emotions are also portrayed well, Jane being frustrated and Willian trying to cheer her up. What I have a bit of a problem with is that Jane insists "they're not lazy" at first and then, a minute later, claims that Khan is lazy. I understand that she is complaining about his individual behavior as opposed to the general nature of tigers, but I think it is a little confusing.
The weakness of the story is the ending, which doesn't really come to a conclusion. It just drags on for the last 6-8 paragraphs, basically repeating the point that has already been made.
>>Ratlab
I'm a little surprised that a zoo employee would be so cavalier about throwing rocks at the exhibits, as well as Willan referring to him as 'old Khan' when he's a yearling.I don't see this as a problem. From what I understand it's part of his character to be careless like that, and he is obviously concerned about Jane way more than about his job or the animals.
>>Leo
I know, and I'm sorry.
I have a tendency to advocate more strongly than is polite without realizing it.
I know, and I'm sorry.
I have a tendency to advocate more strongly than is polite without realizing it.
>>Trick_Question
Okay? Maybe I wasn't clear enough, but I was actually agreeing with you in that I got the slight feeling of being lectured by the story. Even though, like I said, it didn't bother me.
Okay? Maybe I wasn't clear enough, but I was actually agreeing with you in that I got the slight feeling of being lectured by the story. Even though, like I said, it didn't bother me.
>>Leo
Oh—I thought you meant my review was rude. I'm concerned I may have upset ponies due to the conversations about the tone of the criticism this time.
Oh—I thought you meant my review was rude. I'm concerned I may have upset ponies due to the conversations about the tone of the criticism this time.
He was one of the deadliest creatures of the modern era, at least when he could be bothered to wake up.
I can relate.
I don't really mind the lecturing here, but I think it would be better if you could turn it into more of a story. But that's minifics for you. I agree with >>Leo about the ending being the weakest part. You need something to happen there or some sort of conclusion. Perhaps this problem is a side effect of the story being more of a lecture. You certainly don't want to end a story with a character saying "So in conclusion..."
Edit: Oh, I forgot to mention, you misspelled William/Willian's name half of the time. That actually threw me off for a bit.